In The Place Again....

I'm in the place again, it's that sort of sad and restless piece of me that pops up every now and again. It's actually quite painful and I prefer to avoid it, though I know it's part of the way I function when I am feeling a touch stressed, even if it's "ok" stress.

Maybe it's because the tree's are dying, shedding their baggage and engaging in the natural life cycle. It's very beautiful in a way, but seeing them all barren and dark every day casts this gloom in my heart for them. Changing of the seasons always does have that effect on me, I don't think it's the change, I think it's witnessing the struggle and rebirth of The Earth in the process that hurts.

Maybe it's because my relationship with Max is so erratic that I sometimes wonder if we are going to make it through the next several years with some level of sanity in tact AND still liking one another. I feel like the interactions are more negative than not.

Maybe it's because I feel both of the males in my life whom I completely adore have been somewhat distant and generally lacking affection or genuine communications for longer than seems comfortable or acceptable to me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do without being chastised for it. I don't always know.

Maybe it's because my job feels overwhelming. I've been working longer hours than usual and I'm sort of at a loss on how to work with this one particular client who seems so negative and unproductive. This client is basically the reason I am here and I have to find a way to make it work if I wish to stay at this job and still enjoy the experience. The company/supervisors are fantastic, this one client is far from it. Not to mention that I sometimes feel as if I don't always know exactly what I am doing. I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and if I need to do anything about it, or just sit on it and see what happens.

Maybe it's because I am struggling some demons that are more enjoyable to indulge in than fight against. Namely food and wine. My weight is making me nervous, I don't feel right in this body and this body isn't so happy with me these days either from the looks of it. I wasn't that long ago that I was thinner and felt good in my external existence, now it feels foreign and awkward. I also know how much work and diligence it takes to get back to my comfort zone, which I am doing something about and that feels great. But I like food too much to ignore that it's more than a problem. The wine issue doesn't make me as nervous over the long term, but it's certainly something to be addressed. I am prone to addiction, it's not fair, but it's the fact. I don't drink every day, but the pattern of drinking too much when I do drink is what concerns me. So I'm fighting the crutches that have been built up over decades.

The house thing is exciting, but I don't find myself with much energy or time to do much about it.

In general, I can't find any real reason to feel overly bothered about any of these things...it's just the way it is right now and all I can do is plug through it. But the sadness is real and I do hope it passes soon, I am not fond of feeling uncentered and without focus, I need to find it again without beating myself up in the process. I also know me and this does pass, usually fairly quickly and I have to embrace it or it's pretty awful.

Seems its time to "Let The Bad Air Out."