Decisions and Choices

In this past year, I have been presented with a colorful variety of palatable options and decisions to make regarding those options. As if I wasn't already aware of the fact that my ability to make confident and firm decisions is somewhat cloudy to begin with, I am being confronted with the stark reality that I have tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety wrapped up in the very process of choosing and moving with that choice.

If I make a poor decision, what are the outcomes? Will I have failed? Will others be disappointed in my decisions? Am I still loveable, worthy, capable? Will I end up starting over once again? Will my heart be broken? What about Max, how do my decisions impact this child? How will my actions affect (ruin?) him.

The mentality is clear and when I put it on paper it's even more discouraging to hear that this is what runs through my mind when I am faced with life transition. The reason is clear, life has been hard for me in the past. I've failed and others have failed me. I've had little reason to put my trust in most people which hardly allows me to learn to trust myself. I've started over numerous times and have seen the effects on children (myself?) when their families make poor decisions. I came back from so much of it and made a life for MJ and I, a career and a considerable amount of well-being in my heart. However, it seems I sort of slowed the pace of action in that process and became paralyzed by fears.

Sometimes it takes being faced with such enormous possibility, unconditional love and support to truly realize the depths of where ones heart and state of mind exists. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and I've been fighting it. I've not made a decision to do it, I've just been waiting for it to happen to ME...not for ME to happen to it. And not only have I been waiting, I've been waiting in fear. Lingering, anticipating the worst. That is a very unpleasant place to be and I am moving on, thank you.

I have the choice to impact this experience in a positive light or a negative darkness.
I choose the light.

I have the option to nurture my child and give him positive direction.
I choose to be this child's Mother.

I can love Chance with every ounce of my heart and live every moment to it's end or I can continue to disrespect and distrust him and bind the experience with hurtful behaviors.
I choose to love this man and allow him to love me.

I can continue to think that others will not accept, appreciate or acknowledge my inner being and devalidate her in the process.
I choose to allow Sarah to be who Sarah is and stop living for others.

I could keep taking the easier, more comfortable route and bide my time in my career and where I live and what I am doing in my daily life or pursue more, live it, be it.
I choose to LIVE.

I am putting a stop to the madness.

It is going to take effort and working through the release of many years of built up anxiety and pain, I've gotten lazy.
I will probably always be the sort of person that can only build true intimacy and trust with others with time.
I will probably fall into the fear comfort zone when I feel panicky, it's safe after all...if I don't do anything, nothing can happen to me. But, I am ready to "do" something.
I will probably have moments when I feel discouraged and moments when I feel empowered.
I will succeed and I will fail and I'm not always going to make the best decisions, but I will at least be making them.
Taking a freaking chance on MY LIFE, the only I have in this particular time period so I'm going after what I want and who I want to be.
Trying, moving forward. Giving it a shot.

Peace.