I choose to confront the client at work with an email who I've been having difficulties with lately, I tried to call her but she never returns my calls so I dropped her an email. I'd rather have a verbal communication at least, but since she's in PA and I'm in CO, a face to face discussion won't be happening any time soon. I doubt she'll respond, but I am more clear headed because no matter what, I can then always know that I did the right thing in my heart. I think I have this thing about really being open to progress and forgiveness in my relationships with all people and often will tickle the issue or serve as the very medium to reinforce that progress or forgiveness or whatever it may be in order to move forward. But I must always know that I, myself, acted in the most ethical and responsible way with those relationships, even if the other parties involved makes different choices. So we'll see what her reaction is, if nothing else I hope that my attempts to break the proverbial ice will somehow reach her, even if she chooses to be unresponsive.
C and I had a very long talk last night, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. He knows how to soothe me better than anyone, literally. Primarily I believe because we are kindred spirits with like thought processes, plus he is such a gentle and patient soul. He keeps me in balance and checks his pride at the door when I'm in a panic. Which I was yesterday, I felt lower than I've felt in some time, no fun. I love you C :)
Max is a gruesome little..achem...BIG ghoul/zombie thingy for Halloween. He's having a good time with it and I think he sort of feels like he's getting away with something by being such a dark and demented character, I'll let him keep thinking that and maybe even let him "scare" me a few times, that'd probably do the trick:) C helped him do it up real nice, which I was grateful for b/c in all honesty, that costume is pretty gross. Mostly it just smells really weird, C said cuz "It's from China" the whole importing thing, but it really has a foul smell, even Max noticed. It's definitely the plastic/rubber material that makes up all of Max's "wounds" and other yucky details..but still....Smellllly Costume!
Miss Sassy Sandy is in the hospital I'm sad to report, it's a very long story and not one I'm sure she wants me spreading public ally, but it's I know it's all very traumatic for her and after such a big summer, it must feel very overwhelming. My kick ass boss lady said I could leave early to go visit her today, so I'll be getting off early to go spend some time with Miss Sassy whom is loved wholeheartedly but such a huge number of people, I hope she knows she's not alone in any of this.
Max's cousin will be with us for the weekend, so I'll be surrounded by boys from all directions. Lucky me. :) The plan is to hit some haunted houses and other funny teen-ager type stuff, it's mostly just my job to take them there and pay for it and then get out of the way, but if Max wants me involved, I'll go. Gotta grab any opportunities I have to hang out with him. He's irritated that I am wearing his shirts, he seems to think it's completely inappropriate for me to wear his clothes, I like some of them and just laugh at him...he's lucky he doesn't have a sister!!!
They aren't indicting Rove today, darnit. He most certainly will skate out of this cleaner than a "civilian" in his situation, but the message has been sent and is very clear. Sh*t is hitting the fan finally and those responsible will be held accountable, it's about freaking time. I'll be very curious about these proceedings.
Back to work for me, busy Friday and a busy weekend....but today it feels brighter and healthier and more like home than yesterday.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
In The Place Again....
I'm in the place again, it's that sort of sad and restless piece of me that pops up every now and again. It's actually quite painful and I prefer to avoid it, though I know it's part of the way I function when I am feeling a touch stressed, even if it's "ok" stress.
Maybe it's because the tree's are dying, shedding their baggage and engaging in the natural life cycle. It's very beautiful in a way, but seeing them all barren and dark every day casts this gloom in my heart for them. Changing of the seasons always does have that effect on me, I don't think it's the change, I think it's witnessing the struggle and rebirth of The Earth in the process that hurts.
Maybe it's because my relationship with Max is so erratic that I sometimes wonder if we are going to make it through the next several years with some level of sanity in tact AND still liking one another. I feel like the interactions are more negative than not.
Maybe it's because I feel both of the males in my life whom I completely adore have been somewhat distant and generally lacking affection or genuine communications for longer than seems comfortable or acceptable to me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do without being chastised for it. I don't always know.
Maybe it's because my job feels overwhelming. I've been working longer hours than usual and I'm sort of at a loss on how to work with this one particular client who seems so negative and unproductive. This client is basically the reason I am here and I have to find a way to make it work if I wish to stay at this job and still enjoy the experience. The company/supervisors are fantastic, this one client is far from it. Not to mention that I sometimes feel as if I don't always know exactly what I am doing. I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and if I need to do anything about it, or just sit on it and see what happens.
Maybe it's because I am struggling some demons that are more enjoyable to indulge in than fight against. Namely food and wine. My weight is making me nervous, I don't feel right in this body and this body isn't so happy with me these days either from the looks of it. I wasn't that long ago that I was thinner and felt good in my external existence, now it feels foreign and awkward. I also know how much work and diligence it takes to get back to my comfort zone, which I am doing something about and that feels great. But I like food too much to ignore that it's more than a problem. The wine issue doesn't make me as nervous over the long term, but it's certainly something to be addressed. I am prone to addiction, it's not fair, but it's the fact. I don't drink every day, but the pattern of drinking too much when I do drink is what concerns me. So I'm fighting the crutches that have been built up over decades.
The house thing is exciting, but I don't find myself with much energy or time to do much about it.
In general, I can't find any real reason to feel overly bothered about any of these things...it's just the way it is right now and all I can do is plug through it. But the sadness is real and I do hope it passes soon, I am not fond of feeling uncentered and without focus, I need to find it again without beating myself up in the process. I also know me and this does pass, usually fairly quickly and I have to embrace it or it's pretty awful.
Seems its time to "Let The Bad Air Out."
Maybe it's because the tree's are dying, shedding their baggage and engaging in the natural life cycle. It's very beautiful in a way, but seeing them all barren and dark every day casts this gloom in my heart for them. Changing of the seasons always does have that effect on me, I don't think it's the change, I think it's witnessing the struggle and rebirth of The Earth in the process that hurts.
Maybe it's because my relationship with Max is so erratic that I sometimes wonder if we are going to make it through the next several years with some level of sanity in tact AND still liking one another. I feel like the interactions are more negative than not.
Maybe it's because I feel both of the males in my life whom I completely adore have been somewhat distant and generally lacking affection or genuine communications for longer than seems comfortable or acceptable to me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do without being chastised for it. I don't always know.
Maybe it's because my job feels overwhelming. I've been working longer hours than usual and I'm sort of at a loss on how to work with this one particular client who seems so negative and unproductive. This client is basically the reason I am here and I have to find a way to make it work if I wish to stay at this job and still enjoy the experience. The company/supervisors are fantastic, this one client is far from it. Not to mention that I sometimes feel as if I don't always know exactly what I am doing. I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and if I need to do anything about it, or just sit on it and see what happens.
Maybe it's because I am struggling some demons that are more enjoyable to indulge in than fight against. Namely food and wine. My weight is making me nervous, I don't feel right in this body and this body isn't so happy with me these days either from the looks of it. I wasn't that long ago that I was thinner and felt good in my external existence, now it feels foreign and awkward. I also know how much work and diligence it takes to get back to my comfort zone, which I am doing something about and that feels great. But I like food too much to ignore that it's more than a problem. The wine issue doesn't make me as nervous over the long term, but it's certainly something to be addressed. I am prone to addiction, it's not fair, but it's the fact. I don't drink every day, but the pattern of drinking too much when I do drink is what concerns me. So I'm fighting the crutches that have been built up over decades.
The house thing is exciting, but I don't find myself with much energy or time to do much about it.
In general, I can't find any real reason to feel overly bothered about any of these things...it's just the way it is right now and all I can do is plug through it. But the sadness is real and I do hope it passes soon, I am not fond of feeling uncentered and without focus, I need to find it again without beating myself up in the process. I also know me and this does pass, usually fairly quickly and I have to embrace it or it's pretty awful.
Seems its time to "Let The Bad Air Out."
Monday, October 24, 2005
One Heart
I am only one person.
If this is not a tangible concept for you, gently put your hand over my heart;
Feel that it is life, admire it's rhythm.
Appreciate the brilliant design in human architecture that brings my physical form to existence;
To grow and to be in this life time.
A blessed opportunity in which I encounter many experiences, unusual, exceptional and true;
One of which is to love and give to you.
As it may be, it is only one heart that pumps blood through only one set of lungs and limbs;
Big big spirit, big big love, one semi-gelatinous body.
Open as it may be, it is only one heart of tens of billions of pulsing others;
It only has so many resources, so many beats available at any one time.
It is pulled in the direction of all things and ever carries the weight of worry;
Tears flow for me easily, I ache with the pain of others.
Full and engorged, pushing substances through the seat of my emotion;
It is the safest place within me, I trust it to guide and direct the motion.
Elegant and unmatched, filled with unquestionable veracity and the occasional hint of blue;
Complicated and maybe a little crazy, it is what I have to offer to you.
Mine is yours and you know this, but carefully consider that I am only one person and that is all that I can be;
I now turn to you first, when my strength falters and am facing fears, I need you to be the one to go to bat for me.
If this is not a tangible concept for you, gently put your hand over my heart;
Feel that it is life, admire it's rhythm.
Appreciate the brilliant design in human architecture that brings my physical form to existence;
To grow and to be in this life time.
A blessed opportunity in which I encounter many experiences, unusual, exceptional and true;
One of which is to love and give to you.
As it may be, it is only one heart that pumps blood through only one set of lungs and limbs;
Big big spirit, big big love, one semi-gelatinous body.
Open as it may be, it is only one heart of tens of billions of pulsing others;
It only has so many resources, so many beats available at any one time.
It is pulled in the direction of all things and ever carries the weight of worry;
Tears flow for me easily, I ache with the pain of others.
Full and engorged, pushing substances through the seat of my emotion;
It is the safest place within me, I trust it to guide and direct the motion.
Elegant and unmatched, filled with unquestionable veracity and the occasional hint of blue;
Complicated and maybe a little crazy, it is what I have to offer to you.
Mine is yours and you know this, but carefully consider that I am only one person and that is all that I can be;
I now turn to you first, when my strength falters and am facing fears, I need you to be the one to go to bat for me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Put A Lid On It.....
I drive approximately 30 miles round trip each day, not a terrible commute by any means. However, I do happen to travel one of the worst highways in my state, the dreaded I25 Corridor. Luckily, I drive North on 25 which is a much better experience then South to the Tech Center, which coincidentally, I did for several years when I worked at CORRA. So all things considered, I certainly cannot complain as when it comes to commuting, I've got it pretty easy compared to a lot of my fellow Denver Metro Area inhabitants who drive from Boulder to the Tech Center or from Confier to Denver, etc...etc....none of which I'd willingly sign up for.
Unfortunately though, I do have a gripe and that is the seemingly exceedingly recklessness and impatience that seems to accompany my drive each day. Primarily from other sources, though I find myself wanting to flip the bird on occasion and there is most definitely a barrage of choice words that flow out of my mouth when my blood starts to boil. I'm just sort of in shock with how completely careless and unruly the individuals I have to share the road with seem to be, and it just sort of gets worse and worse.
If I don't move quickly enough off the starting line when the light turns green, there is impatient and overly-eager honking. Ruthlessly cutting off of other drivers by some blockhead who is certain his schedule is more important than yours. Tail-gating in snowy weather by the ever infamous SUV who's driver seems convinced that 4-wheel drive can and will allow a vehicle to drive at a high velocity of speed in terrible conditions without any risk; inevitably ending up in the ditch. The irritable soccer Mom with 3 screaming children and a head-ache doing 45 on the highway, on drive pavement who flips YOU the bird when you pass her. The person who has to STOP completely to turn into a shopping mall entry or on a side street.
It's pretty astonishing and on most days, I manage to not feel panicky or even react to this sort of thing. It's like taxes and dishes, it's a pain in my ass but a part of life that must be dealt with. But this whole honking at the stop light thing has to stop, it's really....really...REALLLY freaking obnoxious, really people. REALLY! I am not talking like honking cuz I'm not paying attention, I'm talking honking because I am not the first off the line and some woman behind me is in such a freaking hurry that those 2 extra seconds are going to make the world of difference in her day.
We are all busy people, but starting a road rage incident or worse; dying because you are trying to make it to your 7:30 AM Tuesday Staff Meeting or your kid's soccer game or to the airport or whatever hardly seems worth the anxiety and stress. Slow it down kids. We'll all get there when we get there and your impatience and dangerous behavior isn't going to speed it up any. Really, I'd just like to GET where I'm going and not be harassed or endangered along the way.
And please, for Pete's Sake, the next time you feel like honking at someone at a stop light, put a lid on it. The life you save may be your own. gr.
Unfortunately though, I do have a gripe and that is the seemingly exceedingly recklessness and impatience that seems to accompany my drive each day. Primarily from other sources, though I find myself wanting to flip the bird on occasion and there is most definitely a barrage of choice words that flow out of my mouth when my blood starts to boil. I'm just sort of in shock with how completely careless and unruly the individuals I have to share the road with seem to be, and it just sort of gets worse and worse.
If I don't move quickly enough off the starting line when the light turns green, there is impatient and overly-eager honking. Ruthlessly cutting off of other drivers by some blockhead who is certain his schedule is more important than yours. Tail-gating in snowy weather by the ever infamous SUV who's driver seems convinced that 4-wheel drive can and will allow a vehicle to drive at a high velocity of speed in terrible conditions without any risk; inevitably ending up in the ditch. The irritable soccer Mom with 3 screaming children and a head-ache doing 45 on the highway, on drive pavement who flips YOU the bird when you pass her. The person who has to STOP completely to turn into a shopping mall entry or on a side street.
It's pretty astonishing and on most days, I manage to not feel panicky or even react to this sort of thing. It's like taxes and dishes, it's a pain in my ass but a part of life that must be dealt with. But this whole honking at the stop light thing has to stop, it's really....really...REALLLY freaking obnoxious, really people. REALLY! I am not talking like honking cuz I'm not paying attention, I'm talking honking because I am not the first off the line and some woman behind me is in such a freaking hurry that those 2 extra seconds are going to make the world of difference in her day.
We are all busy people, but starting a road rage incident or worse; dying because you are trying to make it to your 7:30 AM Tuesday Staff Meeting or your kid's soccer game or to the airport or whatever hardly seems worth the anxiety and stress. Slow it down kids. We'll all get there when we get there and your impatience and dangerous behavior isn't going to speed it up any. Really, I'd just like to GET where I'm going and not be harassed or endangered along the way.
And please, for Pete's Sake, the next time you feel like honking at someone at a stop light, put a lid on it. The life you save may be your own. gr.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Meanwhile, at the Alley Cat.....
Life is good, the weekend was most certainly a reflection of that for many of us I think. Chance and I got quite a lot done around the house, all which were things that sorely needed paying attention to and at some point you just have to buckle down and get to work. "Working" on the weekends isn't exactly my idea of rest and relaxation, but it does provide a sense of accomplishment and progress, so I'll take it.
Friday night I was so tired I could hardly stay awake, we had planned to run errands and prepare for the weekends events but I was all but completely useless. So, Mom and I did some catching up while C ran errands and I also made some money in Tiger Woods Golf, that game and I are definitely having a torrid affair. I passed out on the couch and woke up whining at C, he put me to bed and I slept better than I had in days.
Saturday morning was bright and early to face the tasks ahead. I spent the entire morning cleaning out, organizing and getting Max's room in order. For those of you that don't have children, this is something you must do occasionally depending on your level of tolerance for total chaos. Also, as the age increases the less window of opportunity you have for mucking through the items that can find their way into boxes for good will or, in the garbage because I'm learning that pre-teens and teenagers keep EVERYTHING, scraps of paper and Max's favorite...rocks. His room is home to a plethora of rocks and minerals and all the accompanying dirty goodness that goes along with them. I let go of the dirt factor on this one a long time ago, otherwise I'd be crazy. 4 hours, 2 garbage bags and 2 boxes later the room cleaning expedition was a success.
C was out running errands all morning and eating breakfast without me while I was starving to death (thanks C! ergh!) and found a way cool little corner desk for our room. He began putting that together and I went shopping, which I've forgotten how much a new t-shirt or lip gloss can really make my day on occasion, I'll have to indulge a bit more often in that I think. Spoke with Lil' Rhi Saturday while I was out and about, did some catching up and agreed to touch base later about possibly getting together after our existing plans for the evening. Which I'll get to in one moment....after the shopping, came home to find my Man sitting in a huge pile of screws and bolts and desk stuff....he had a good start on it but had a ways to go, just looking at it over whelmed me, glad it wasn't my job! I pulled him away from that and we showered and prepared for the evenings festivities.
Saturday evening was all about Ms. Sassy Sand Nagler. Brief recap, this woman spent the entire summer attending, planning and/or being heavily involved in some manner or another in a total of 6 or 8 weddings, I don't recall the exact number. Every time I saw her the list of things she'd been up to since the last time I saw her seemed to have tripled in size and I am not sure how she maintained sanity, but kindness and generosity just are in her nature and giving of herself is something she does with a grace and ease you don't come across too often. I any event, clearly she is a self-less and exceptionally giving individual and a surprise party was organized in her honor. As anticipated, the event was a blast. Exceptional evening spent with exceptional individuals, all of which I find fascinating and all of which I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Sandy's face was so completely adorable when she "got" it that we were all there for her and I know the evening was moving for her, which was the point. Several toasts, some tears and many more laughs later Miss Sandy was on her way home to sleep well and know that she is loved and appreciated by many.
Unfortunately, CMan maybe had too good of a time and had to lay down, which means he was a done deal. We had made plans to meet up with Matt later and somehow it all just sort of worked out that Matt would come pick me up, C would sleep it off at Bryan & Kim's and we would go meet up with Rhi & Sam, which is always a blast. So so happy to see sweet Lil' Rhi, I do enjoy hanging with her very much. So we acted silly and had good times, went over to Karl & Bridgett'es who just got engaged and they are too adorable and clearly very much in love, I hope to spend time with them again. I also particularly enjoy Sam, particularly enjoying HARASSING him:) Wonderful evening!
Sunday, Max came home from the Grandparents and we did a lot of snuggling and horse playing, CMan finished up the desk project (which looks so great, I'm so proud *grin*) and I managed to get in a little phone time with Crystal. I miss her, she's growing very quickly and she seems different to me already. In a very positive way. It's pretty obvious that this move to Seattle is an excellent experience in numerous ways. I'm happy her and D are running around being a couple alone in their house, I think it's pretty important stuff. I sense a calmness about them both these days and that's good for all of us! Plus, it sounds like they both are truly comfortable with Rhi's decisions and that all is well, this also shows tremendous maturity and love for all involved, good job guys:)
We had turkey for dinner on Sunday. All of it was good except the turkey, I really need to learn that I don't eat it for a reason...blech, it was like...Turkey...Loaf....all formed and wierd, it's not supposed to BE like that. But I did like the coleslaw and ate all of that. Matt hung around with us most of the day, napping and watching silly television.
Weekends like this remind you that there is a balance and it is achievable, hard work and accomplishments and good times to be had with the people you love. So I am happy today and worn out from the weekend, but ready to start a new week. I have everything I could want, Max, tremendous love and support, surrounded by amazing friends, good job...buying a house, it's all good stuff. Yay!
My only concern this very moment is that Max has this really obnoxious cough and it sounds very chesty, so I'm hoping he's doing ok at school today. I can't really give him medicine before school cuz it sort of zones him out and he has a hard enough time without adding to it, so we'll see how he is later. I noticed last night that Max's voice is really beginning to sound different, he sounds older, loosing his sweet little dude voice and developing a sweet big dude voice. I love him and want to squeeze him right now, I'd better get back to work so the day goes faster and I can get home to him sooner.
Friday night I was so tired I could hardly stay awake, we had planned to run errands and prepare for the weekends events but I was all but completely useless. So, Mom and I did some catching up while C ran errands and I also made some money in Tiger Woods Golf, that game and I are definitely having a torrid affair. I passed out on the couch and woke up whining at C, he put me to bed and I slept better than I had in days.
Saturday morning was bright and early to face the tasks ahead. I spent the entire morning cleaning out, organizing and getting Max's room in order. For those of you that don't have children, this is something you must do occasionally depending on your level of tolerance for total chaos. Also, as the age increases the less window of opportunity you have for mucking through the items that can find their way into boxes for good will or, in the garbage because I'm learning that pre-teens and teenagers keep EVERYTHING, scraps of paper and Max's favorite...rocks. His room is home to a plethora of rocks and minerals and all the accompanying dirty goodness that goes along with them. I let go of the dirt factor on this one a long time ago, otherwise I'd be crazy. 4 hours, 2 garbage bags and 2 boxes later the room cleaning expedition was a success.
C was out running errands all morning and eating breakfast without me while I was starving to death (thanks C! ergh!) and found a way cool little corner desk for our room. He began putting that together and I went shopping, which I've forgotten how much a new t-shirt or lip gloss can really make my day on occasion, I'll have to indulge a bit more often in that I think. Spoke with Lil' Rhi Saturday while I was out and about, did some catching up and agreed to touch base later about possibly getting together after our existing plans for the evening. Which I'll get to in one moment....after the shopping, came home to find my Man sitting in a huge pile of screws and bolts and desk stuff....he had a good start on it but had a ways to go, just looking at it over whelmed me, glad it wasn't my job! I pulled him away from that and we showered and prepared for the evenings festivities.
Saturday evening was all about Ms. Sassy Sand Nagler. Brief recap, this woman spent the entire summer attending, planning and/or being heavily involved in some manner or another in a total of 6 or 8 weddings, I don't recall the exact number. Every time I saw her the list of things she'd been up to since the last time I saw her seemed to have tripled in size and I am not sure how she maintained sanity, but kindness and generosity just are in her nature and giving of herself is something she does with a grace and ease you don't come across too often. I any event, clearly she is a self-less and exceptionally giving individual and a surprise party was organized in her honor. As anticipated, the event was a blast. Exceptional evening spent with exceptional individuals, all of which I find fascinating and all of which I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Sandy's face was so completely adorable when she "got" it that we were all there for her and I know the evening was moving for her, which was the point. Several toasts, some tears and many more laughs later Miss Sandy was on her way home to sleep well and know that she is loved and appreciated by many.
Unfortunately, CMan maybe had too good of a time and had to lay down, which means he was a done deal. We had made plans to meet up with Matt later and somehow it all just sort of worked out that Matt would come pick me up, C would sleep it off at Bryan & Kim's and we would go meet up with Rhi & Sam, which is always a blast. So so happy to see sweet Lil' Rhi, I do enjoy hanging with her very much. So we acted silly and had good times, went over to Karl & Bridgett'es who just got engaged and they are too adorable and clearly very much in love, I hope to spend time with them again. I also particularly enjoy Sam, particularly enjoying HARASSING him:) Wonderful evening!
Sunday, Max came home from the Grandparents and we did a lot of snuggling and horse playing, CMan finished up the desk project (which looks so great, I'm so proud *grin*) and I managed to get in a little phone time with Crystal. I miss her, she's growing very quickly and she seems different to me already. In a very positive way. It's pretty obvious that this move to Seattle is an excellent experience in numerous ways. I'm happy her and D are running around being a couple alone in their house, I think it's pretty important stuff. I sense a calmness about them both these days and that's good for all of us! Plus, it sounds like they both are truly comfortable with Rhi's decisions and that all is well, this also shows tremendous maturity and love for all involved, good job guys:)
We had turkey for dinner on Sunday. All of it was good except the turkey, I really need to learn that I don't eat it for a reason...blech, it was like...Turkey...Loaf....all formed and wierd, it's not supposed to BE like that. But I did like the coleslaw and ate all of that. Matt hung around with us most of the day, napping and watching silly television.
Weekends like this remind you that there is a balance and it is achievable, hard work and accomplishments and good times to be had with the people you love. So I am happy today and worn out from the weekend, but ready to start a new week. I have everything I could want, Max, tremendous love and support, surrounded by amazing friends, good job...buying a house, it's all good stuff. Yay!
My only concern this very moment is that Max has this really obnoxious cough and it sounds very chesty, so I'm hoping he's doing ok at school today. I can't really give him medicine before school cuz it sort of zones him out and he has a hard enough time without adding to it, so we'll see how he is later. I noticed last night that Max's voice is really beginning to sound different, he sounds older, loosing his sweet little dude voice and developing a sweet big dude voice. I love him and want to squeeze him right now, I'd better get back to work so the day goes faster and I can get home to him sooner.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Decisions and Choices
In this past year, I have been presented with a colorful variety of palatable options and decisions to make regarding those options. As if I wasn't already aware of the fact that my ability to make confident and firm decisions is somewhat cloudy to begin with, I am being confronted with the stark reality that I have tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety wrapped up in the very process of choosing and moving with that choice.
If I make a poor decision, what are the outcomes? Will I have failed? Will others be disappointed in my decisions? Am I still loveable, worthy, capable? Will I end up starting over once again? Will my heart be broken? What about Max, how do my decisions impact this child? How will my actions affect (ruin?) him.
The mentality is clear and when I put it on paper it's even more discouraging to hear that this is what runs through my mind when I am faced with life transition. The reason is clear, life has been hard for me in the past. I've failed and others have failed me. I've had little reason to put my trust in most people which hardly allows me to learn to trust myself. I've started over numerous times and have seen the effects on children (myself?) when their families make poor decisions. I came back from so much of it and made a life for MJ and I, a career and a considerable amount of well-being in my heart. However, it seems I sort of slowed the pace of action in that process and became paralyzed by fears.
Sometimes it takes being faced with such enormous possibility, unconditional love and support to truly realize the depths of where ones heart and state of mind exists. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and I've been fighting it. I've not made a decision to do it, I've just been waiting for it to happen to ME...not for ME to happen to it. And not only have I been waiting, I've been waiting in fear. Lingering, anticipating the worst. That is a very unpleasant place to be and I am moving on, thank you.
I have the choice to impact this experience in a positive light or a negative darkness.
I choose the light.
I have the option to nurture my child and give him positive direction.
I choose to be this child's Mother.
I can love Chance with every ounce of my heart and live every moment to it's end or I can continue to disrespect and distrust him and bind the experience with hurtful behaviors.
I choose to love this man and allow him to love me.
I can continue to think that others will not accept, appreciate or acknowledge my inner being and devalidate her in the process.
I choose to allow Sarah to be who Sarah is and stop living for others.
I could keep taking the easier, more comfortable route and bide my time in my career and where I live and what I am doing in my daily life or pursue more, live it, be it.
I choose to LIVE.
I am putting a stop to the madness.
It is going to take effort and working through the release of many years of built up anxiety and pain, I've gotten lazy.
I will probably always be the sort of person that can only build true intimacy and trust with others with time.
I will probably fall into the fear comfort zone when I feel panicky, it's safe after all...if I don't do anything, nothing can happen to me. But, I am ready to "do" something.
I will probably have moments when I feel discouraged and moments when I feel empowered.
I will succeed and I will fail and I'm not always going to make the best decisions, but I will at least be making them.
Taking a freaking chance on MY LIFE, the only I have in this particular time period so I'm going after what I want and who I want to be.
Trying, moving forward. Giving it a shot.
Peace.
If I make a poor decision, what are the outcomes? Will I have failed? Will others be disappointed in my decisions? Am I still loveable, worthy, capable? Will I end up starting over once again? Will my heart be broken? What about Max, how do my decisions impact this child? How will my actions affect (ruin?) him.
The mentality is clear and when I put it on paper it's even more discouraging to hear that this is what runs through my mind when I am faced with life transition. The reason is clear, life has been hard for me in the past. I've failed and others have failed me. I've had little reason to put my trust in most people which hardly allows me to learn to trust myself. I've started over numerous times and have seen the effects on children (myself?) when their families make poor decisions. I came back from so much of it and made a life for MJ and I, a career and a considerable amount of well-being in my heart. However, it seems I sort of slowed the pace of action in that process and became paralyzed by fears.
Sometimes it takes being faced with such enormous possibility, unconditional love and support to truly realize the depths of where ones heart and state of mind exists. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and I've been fighting it. I've not made a decision to do it, I've just been waiting for it to happen to ME...not for ME to happen to it. And not only have I been waiting, I've been waiting in fear. Lingering, anticipating the worst. That is a very unpleasant place to be and I am moving on, thank you.
I have the choice to impact this experience in a positive light or a negative darkness.
I choose the light.
I have the option to nurture my child and give him positive direction.
I choose to be this child's Mother.
I can love Chance with every ounce of my heart and live every moment to it's end or I can continue to disrespect and distrust him and bind the experience with hurtful behaviors.
I choose to love this man and allow him to love me.
I can continue to think that others will not accept, appreciate or acknowledge my inner being and devalidate her in the process.
I choose to allow Sarah to be who Sarah is and stop living for others.
I could keep taking the easier, more comfortable route and bide my time in my career and where I live and what I am doing in my daily life or pursue more, live it, be it.
I choose to LIVE.
I am putting a stop to the madness.
It is going to take effort and working through the release of many years of built up anxiety and pain, I've gotten lazy.
I will probably always be the sort of person that can only build true intimacy and trust with others with time.
I will probably fall into the fear comfort zone when I feel panicky, it's safe after all...if I don't do anything, nothing can happen to me. But, I am ready to "do" something.
I will probably have moments when I feel discouraged and moments when I feel empowered.
I will succeed and I will fail and I'm not always going to make the best decisions, but I will at least be making them.
Taking a freaking chance on MY LIFE, the only I have in this particular time period so I'm going after what I want and who I want to be.
Trying, moving forward. Giving it a shot.
Peace.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Monday Moowahahaha
Let's see, random thoughts for Monday....
Woke up to the first snow of this season today, it was very thick and heavy and wet. It's the sort that breaks tender tree limbs still not frozen enough from the summer months to withstand the weight of first snows. So the tree's are drooping. Which isn't so bad, they don't appear to be suffering too much. Also, included in early winter months just for your driving pleasure are those folks who don't really know how to drive to begin with, who some how are capable of being even worse drivers than one might have possible imagined. I don't mean to be condescending, but maybe it would be wise for all states with heavy or consistent snow fall to mandate driving in winter weather classes? I'd take it, can't hurt...but what these folks need to understand that stupid ass driving is just as much a hazard as driving in crappy ass conditions...you have to think with your melon, not your fear meter.
I still love the first snow though, it reminds me of comforting days to come.
3.2 beer gives me a strange buzz, it's easily slept off and I feel absolutely zero effect from it the next day. However, it makes my stomach really foamy and I don't do well with stomach foam. Yuck. Ah well, with the new weight loss efforts alcohol is better left alone as it is.
Talked with the Mortgage Broker Howard referred me to, yippee...the ball is rolling, I'm a little anxious about the whole thing but am so so so SO happy to be moving forward with it. Responsibility really blows sometimes, but more often than not it is rewarding.
C and I had a great weekend and Max is bouncy and happy again for now, so I'll take it.
As it seems to be the norm lately, world news is disheartening. I think our planet is revolting, I don't blame Her. I sense a mutiny afoot. Not to mention that I read 3 corroborated stories last week that George W. Bush claims he talks to God, directly. And that God sends messages to him, directly. I guess it sort of irritates me that he's setting himself up as some prophetic voice......which often leads to martyrdom. I dunno, that just sort of freaks me out.
I should be off, lot to do still this afternoon and I am procrastinating an issue that requires much more mental focus than I've had in days. Time to bust out the Ginseng people!
Woke up to the first snow of this season today, it was very thick and heavy and wet. It's the sort that breaks tender tree limbs still not frozen enough from the summer months to withstand the weight of first snows. So the tree's are drooping. Which isn't so bad, they don't appear to be suffering too much. Also, included in early winter months just for your driving pleasure are those folks who don't really know how to drive to begin with, who some how are capable of being even worse drivers than one might have possible imagined. I don't mean to be condescending, but maybe it would be wise for all states with heavy or consistent snow fall to mandate driving in winter weather classes? I'd take it, can't hurt...but what these folks need to understand that stupid ass driving is just as much a hazard as driving in crappy ass conditions...you have to think with your melon, not your fear meter.
I still love the first snow though, it reminds me of comforting days to come.
3.2 beer gives me a strange buzz, it's easily slept off and I feel absolutely zero effect from it the next day. However, it makes my stomach really foamy and I don't do well with stomach foam. Yuck. Ah well, with the new weight loss efforts alcohol is better left alone as it is.
Talked with the Mortgage Broker Howard referred me to, yippee...the ball is rolling, I'm a little anxious about the whole thing but am so so so SO happy to be moving forward with it. Responsibility really blows sometimes, but more often than not it is rewarding.
C and I had a great weekend and Max is bouncy and happy again for now, so I'll take it.
As it seems to be the norm lately, world news is disheartening. I think our planet is revolting, I don't blame Her. I sense a mutiny afoot. Not to mention that I read 3 corroborated stories last week that George W. Bush claims he talks to God, directly. And that God sends messages to him, directly. I guess it sort of irritates me that he's setting himself up as some prophetic voice......which often leads to martyrdom. I dunno, that just sort of freaks me out.
I should be off, lot to do still this afternoon and I am procrastinating an issue that requires much more mental focus than I've had in days. Time to bust out the Ginseng people!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
There Are Moments
There are moments when I know I am completely alone
There are moments when I know we are all on our own
There are moments when you have simply gone to far
There are moments when you are difficult and peculiar
There are moments when I cannot tolerate one more act of greed
There are moments when I cannot bare even one more harmful deed
There are moments when nothing seems right or makes sense
There are moments when the future feels dark and dense
There are moments when the world is harsh and hopeless
There are moments when the world mourns and I am helpless
There are moments when the tears burn me deeper than I've ever known
There are moments when the rage builds higher than I've ever shown
There are moments when I do not want to fight another day
There are moments when I wish for some other peaceful way
Then there are moments when no matter the cost, it is left to me to be strong
Then there are moments when no matter the hurt, it is where my love does belong
There are moments when I know we are all on our own
There are moments when you have simply gone to far
There are moments when you are difficult and peculiar
There are moments when I cannot tolerate one more act of greed
There are moments when I cannot bare even one more harmful deed
There are moments when nothing seems right or makes sense
There are moments when the future feels dark and dense
There are moments when the world is harsh and hopeless
There are moments when the world mourns and I am helpless
There are moments when the tears burn me deeper than I've ever known
There are moments when the rage builds higher than I've ever shown
There are moments when I do not want to fight another day
There are moments when I wish for some other peaceful way
Then there are moments when no matter the cost, it is left to me to be strong
Then there are moments when no matter the hurt, it is where my love does belong
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