Blessed Be The Free Spirit

To all the free spirits I've crossed a path or two with:-)

Blessed be is the free spirit who comes to visit me
I have known one or maybe it’s twenty-three
I can hardly count them now, as they must flock out to their sea
One should never confine a creature ever longing to be free

They come in all forms of celestial shapes and intensities
A conglomerate of configurations and immensities

Sometimes they are untouched and completely anew
Sometimes they are soiled and utterly askew
Regardless, their wisdoms lead them through

Their path cannot become artificial or all that easy to read
- Cold and lonely, often I watch them bleed
- My heart aches by which I can see
- You shant deny them their staunch complexity

- Brimming with perception and boundless conception
- Touching others without ill intention
- My heart rejoices by which I can see
- You shant deny them their inherent glee

Such a curious kind indeed, barely capable of every day formalities
It can be painful and exhausting to endure such basic pleasantries
There must be more substance to this counterfeit suburban hell?
Where is the authenticity and magical spell?

I cannot answer for what they are sent here to master
Cannot be found in pavement and plaster
Cannot be construed from tangible hereafter
Cannot be broken down even within unabashed laughter

So with this evidence I travel along side
Kindred souls who I know can hear my cries
A unified reaction to all that is lost
Battling regimented chaos at any cost

Whether thoughtfully withdrawn or carefully exposed
I hesitate to put a label unto an entity so naturally composed
Only admire in wonderment as she lights up the night
Or at his ability to thrive in his transient flight

I do not claim I can understand what they are
But they some how know exactly what I am - even from afar
For this I am selflessly loyal and grateful
Blessed be is the free spirit that touches my soul

Let Us Not...

Let us not belittle each other or make fickle attacks
Let us not us forget kindness, forgiveness or gentle tact

Let us not condone the intolerance and judgements that cast shadows on all of our karmas
Let us not participate in the idle, vain and ever consuming dramas

Let us not overlook the lessons of our wisest teachings
Let us not take for granted the power of giving and reaching

Let us not come undone in the face of adversities
Let us not become our own worst adversaries

Let us not hide what we were, what we are, what we will be
Let us not apologize for conciousness and what we clearly see

Let us not recant our beliefs in order to easily acclimate
Let us not stop the fight and efforts to devalidate

Let us not waste the gifts we've been given
Let us not attempt to forever conceal all that's been kept hidden

Let us not choose the path of ignorance and compliance
Let us not give into simple defiance

Let us not force control on another from above
Let us not misunderstand the very force that is love

How This Child

How This Child…

He frustrates me, oh this child can frustrate me so
His will is growing and this is good
But his will is what tests me, even though I know that it should

Some days I cannot take it all in and still feel sane
Most days I am grateful that he is not part of the mundane

In a glimmering glance, I see him working hard to take a real and true stance
Against that which he does not agree or cannot justify in his logical dance
I know I must support this even though it makes me tremble and woe
Cuz in the long run, he must unequivocally know
That fighting the good fight and arguing the status quo
Are all just a part of his natural ebb and flow

He never grows tired of searching for answers
I sometimes grow weary but never take him for granted

His teachers do not accept
What a gift they hold in their hands
Though they often are awed by at how much he naturally understands
They simply cannot find it in themselves to believe
That a child this age, has in his gaze
The ability to stun and amaze

The glow of his eyes, when he happens upon a surprise
The kind us silly adults only seem to compromise
The grin on his face, when he stares off into a space
Like he already gets something we seem to have misplaced

Every move this child makes resembles an experiment
One of resolve and stealthy temperament
Since his birth, he has challenged our mathematical equation
Struggling and wandering through revocation
An unknown to you and I perhaps
But to him, it is basic and free
This is something he has taught me to see

A freedom in simplicity and the obvious
Even on the days when I find his energy obnoxious

How I wish I could help him perceive
Just how much he means to me
And not just to me in fact
The truth is that he’s got the world at his back
He has the ability to make such an enormous impact

With tears in my eyes, I know he is becoming a man
That with his age comes fewer less hours between mother and young lad
Though I mourn this loss with great sadness
I know the light in his heart his heart is delightful and wild
And I must embrace this even in the face of my own shear madness
He has so much to offer, this lovely ingenious child

Getting There....

A few days ago, I noticed I have a very clear and defined wrinkle on the corner of my eye. This isn't like a laugh line, with a laugh like mine it's hard NOT to have laugh lines. No, this is definitely a wrinkle that came with age, pure and simple. Vain as it may be, I keep examining it and laughing at myself over it. At first, I was kind of irritated at it. Like, how dare you show up on my face already...I'm only 28. Jeesh. And then I laughed even harder at myself for being irritated with it in the first place, when did I get so hung up on physical flaws? I thought I let go of that external bullshit a long time ago? Silly girl.

I know now that my initial reaction to this external notification of my age took me by surprise because I have yet to even begin to feel like an "adult" = "a grown up" = "mature"...let alone have it written all over my face. I still color in coloring books, how can I have a wrinkle?

Then I had this fabulous conversation with a truly exceptional individual on the topic of "experience" and how intrinsic knowledge comes with experience and experiencing life takes physical time. This also included biological experience and how mothers and fathers and their mother and fathers pass down their "experiences" to us in some manner or another, good or bad, we have thousands of years of evolution written on our hearts and minds and we in turn pass it on. Verbally, physically, mentally, socially...conscious or not - every day we are all sharing a knowledge with each other of our own direct experiences and the experiences past down to us from others.

After some thought, the wrinkle became a sign, a badge of honor. It is a sign of change, it is my physical body attempting to catch up with my mental/emotional/spiritual one. I don't feel like an "adult" or "mature" because no doubt there is an infinite amount of information and experience available and non of us are really "grown" - we are all but infants in that context. How can I feel all growed-up when that is an impossibility in one life time?

So me and my wrinkle are going to go color and smile and share secret giggles. Neener neener boo boo ;-P

I Went To Safeway Today

I went to Safeway today with my son. We needed something for dinner and I needed to fill a prescription.

We went to the mini-instore Starbucks cuz I needed a caffiene fix and he is extremely fond of the many pastries available at such an establishment. We were waiting for my iced chai (decided an iced tea sounded bettter) and there was a plate of samples. It was chocolate almond biscotti. He wanted to try it, I told him to go ahead knowing it would not be what he expected. Knowing he would think it was a brownie, sweet and palatable. Biscotti is not soft I said. It is hard becuz it is meant for dipping in coffee. It is a food that has purpose, more than just the taste. This food has texture and an experience. He laughed and took it anyway, telling me he was to young to drink coffee. Silly Mom. I knew he was going to be surprised. And he was. Turns out he liked it, after some deliberation that it was indeed worth eating and asked if the girl working the counter if he could have another.

I laughed at this, his politeness over such a thing. Thank you, can I have one more? At his interest in trying new things. At his expression while crunching down. Watching him eyeball this huge plate full of crunchy delight. My comments were not meant to sway his decision, but more to simply explain. As mothers often do I suppose. I thought about this later and wonder if I comment too much?

As we were walking away, I saw an older couple approaching the sample plate. I don't mean "older" in the 75 year old sense. Holding hands, carefully walking each other down each aisle, discussing which cat food to buy and making all of us go "awww."

I'm thinking they were probably 40, 45. Somewhere in there. The women ate a piece of the biscotti and asked her man if he would like a piece? That it was good, had he ever tried it? She was smiling, she was happy to offer it to him and seemingly eager for him to receive. He hesitated and then agreed to try it and then they were both smiling. They kissed and giggled. Stood there smiling only at each other. Like they had just shared something fantastic and no one around them knew it. Something new. Something secret. Then I hurried Max away and felt I'd been watching too long.

We were walking home and I wondered about the couple. What must an average day be like for them? Do they discuss the mundane details of their lives? Does it bore them, is this discussion part of their ritual while making dinner? Hearing each other, but not really listening while stirring rigatone and chopping salad? Is their relationship one of mere convention versus a true desire, a desire to be together? A desire for love, love for each other? Do they discuss their beliefs, their passions, their inspirations? Do they agree? Do they agree to disagree? Are their disagreements honest and productive or angry and eager to prove? Do they still find excitement in one another? I figure they must after something so simple as biscotti seemed to insight something between the two of them, something they clearly shared within each other; eyes gleaming while the business occurrs around them.

Is their sex life still fullfilling after so long? I can only assume they've been together for some time due to the depth of comfort between them. Is there learning in each other, his body, her body, their physical body together? Do they still hunger for one another? When their skin touches, is it intense and tingley and truly longing for more? Is their apetite for each other insatiable or functional and marginally satisfying? Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Do they anticipate each other each day when they drive home from their 9 - 5's? Is there an urgency in the need to share, to share their experiences? Is there fear? Fear in honesty? Is there a white elephant in their living room? Something that's long since past, but real nontheless? No doubt they've exchanged hurtful words and horrendous arguement. Have they damaged each other?

Do they really understand each other or is it a knowledge that came with time, the in's and out's of every day existance, out of shear habit?

I thought of all of this, just wondering. Wondering at how sincere those smiles were. It might've been but a glimpse into their world together or maybe they were just having a good day, or maybe I took much too much out of 30 seconds in the life of this couple. Or maybe I'm just a twisted romantic with little concept of reality and more one of fantasy and fiction. Either way, I was glad. I was glad, becuase whatever it was brought warmth and wonder to my heart and isn't that what love is all about? For any of us? Warmth and wonder.

And then Max and I came home and played Jeapordy on XBox and ate Pad Thai I bought at the store. He didn't like the Pad Thai so much.

Just My List

1) I am a single mother of an oustanding, amazing, intuitive little man.
2) I loved being pregnant with Max, my feelings for him are undescribable in words.
3) I worry about my son a lot, I worry about me a lot.
4) My son phsycially looks a lot like me, there is no question he is my child, though as he ages his father's features become more prevalent.
5) The hardest part of being a single mother for me is feeling alone in the process, like I don't have anyone to bounce the day to day stuff off of. Some days I feel very alone in life.
6) There are also days when I get overwhelmed with the volume of things that have to be done and I sometimes wish I had someone to share the load with.
7) I think I am a good mother, but wish I were more patient.
8) I am 28 now, I had Max when I was 16.
9) I feel myself getting older, it scares me a little..
10) Sometimes I am resistant to "behaving" like an adult.
11) I am a voluptous, naturally blonde haired women with green eyes.
12) My physical self image is somewhat disorted and I have suffered with eating disorders of some sort since my early teens.
13) I wish I was more athletic.
14) I love to be outside, hiking, camping, doing anything physical outside of my home and get depressed if I don't get to do it as much as I'd like.
15) I live in Colorado and feel it is my home, but am insanely drawn toward the Pacific Northwestern States.
16) I am inately connected to the ocean and water.
17) I have an irrational fear of bats.
18) I love animals of every variety, even bats.
19) I want to go bungee jumping, sky diving and river rafting.
20) I am in IT, but have always wanted to become a Marine Biologist in my dream world ;-)
21) If it were up to me, I'd put my 40+ hours in at a non-profit, I can think of nowhere I'd rather spend my work hours.
22) My most influential professional women are Gail Wilson, Carin Carper, Oprah Winfrey & Gwen Stefani.
23) Carin Carper was and is one of the most beuatiful women I've ever known, we lost her to breast cancer 5 years ago and not a day goes by I don't think about her.
24) Her soul is beautiful and kind and true and I've never known anyone quite like her. I miss her.
25) I've lost a lot of people in my life and have seen alot of people loose their loved ones.
26) There is nothing worse than that kind of loss, it is not something I understand.
27) My father died when I had just barely turned 8.
28) I still mourne not having a father growing up and even now as an adult women.
29) My mother and I have had a difficult relationship, but it is growing in a healthy one that I am greatly appreciative of.
30) I am fascinated by the human condition.
31) I think I am special, but not any more or less special than anyone else.
32) Some people have labled me a complex individual, but I don't see that, I am just me.
33) I love music and am profoundly connected to musical elements in my soul.
34) I don't like country all that much though I respect it for what it is.
35) I have sung off and on for years and sang back up vocals briefly in a band.
36) I am a writer, specifically poetry and lyrics.
37) I wish to learn an instrument so I can write my own songs and not rely on others for the sounds I can hear in my mind when I am writing lyrics.
38) I am intuitively creative, but do not always know where to put that energy.
39) I also like painting and photography.
40) Radiohead is my favorite band.
41) I saw Radiohead live, front and center at Red Rocks in 2003 and it was an experience I know will follow me through the years.
42) My experiences with music will live in my memory forever.
43) I do not feel that alot of other people truly understand me.
44) I have an outstanding support group and feel a lot of love from all of them.
45) The women closest to me share common personality traits amongs them: Exceptional Strength, Strong Sense Of Self, Independance, Intellegence, Intuitiveness and Tolerance.
46) I often feel the most vulnerable and weak of all of them, but draw a great deal of inspiration and strength from each of them for different reasons.
47) I love being a women, in spite of the constant struggle and double standards I see in our culture.
48) My closest girlfriends are Kristen, Crystal & Mary. Colleen is also on that list, even though she drives me crazy sometimes:)
49) These are my safest friendships, they are my sisters and fellow soldiers in life.
50) My mother has been my greatest teacher and I love her unconditionally.
51) My grandmothers & aunts are also important to me.
52) I have a biological sister, we are not close and did not even talk until 2 years ago.
53) I wonder a lot if our relationship will develop.
54) Equally, the men closest to me share common traits: Sensitivity, Intuitiviness, Intelligence, Kindness; Love, Fascination & Respect For Us As Women.
55) I cannot spend time with men who are arrogant, women hating, abusive in any way, biogts, liars, conceded, jealous, insecure or intolerant. I will never waste my time on men that meet any of these criteria again.
56) I love men and they also irritate the shit out of me, I sometimes struggle greatly in my romantic relationships with men.
57) I wonder if I am capable of the kind of love I desire with a man.
58) My grandfathers, step-father, Bryan, Dane & Justin are my most trusted male relationships.
59) I understand them and they understand me, whatever the context of our relationship.
60) Unfortunately, like the majority of women in my life I have been sexually violated.
61) I went through years of rage and acting out becuase of this, but am blessed to have come to a place of healing.
62) I am quite curious about "Love" between men & women, it's such an interesting dynamic.
63) I'm not sure if I've ever really been in love, at least not the love I've envisioned in my heart.
64) Next topic.
65) I am a fairly political individual and have strong, but open political beliefs.
66) I am kind and honest, sometimes to a fault.
67) I can be "bad" and scandelous and sometimes I like it.
68) I think we all can be, we all have darkness inside of us.
69) I have great internal struggles and overthink things a lot.
70) I am smarter than the average bear, but sometimes have little or no common sense about everyday things.
71) I want to be a better listener to my friends.
72) I think individuals who are accutley aware of their surroundings, with higher than average intelligence can be quite tortured.
73) I've also found folks who are intensley creative can be quite eccentric.
74) I am drawn to these sorts of entities.
75) I lived in San Francisco for 3 years and it taught me a lot and I met such a diverse group of people there that I am forever changed from the experience.
76) I have struggled off and on with my drinking and partying.
77) I smoke cigarettes.
78) I can party like a frat boy and dance all night.
79) I like to push my body and mind to it's limits.
80) I also like to test sociatal standards and ethics.
81) I am a highly sexual women, but do not believe I am promiscous.
82) I have an issue with authority but often feel I need guidance.
83) I love to drive fast and want to learn to drive a motorcylce and quad.
84) I think I am more screwed up than some people think and less than others seem to think I am.
85) I do not believe in God the way that any one else in my life does and I have huge issues with organized religion.
86) I've always admired others ability to have faith, it is simply something I do not understand and wish that I could.
87) I do consider myself a highly spiritual individual, but cannot put a name on it.
88) I have explored many religions and find the most connection with Eastern based philosphies.
89) I am highly logical, but equally an emotionally driven thinker.
90) I believe in karma.
91) I will forever be searching.
92) I love living life for everything it has to offer and luckily have cared a lot less about what people think about me through the years.
93) I think people spend too much time worrying about what others think of them.
94) I am open to getting married some day, but am not sure I ever will.
95) Sometimes I think I have no idea what I think and am a walking study in contradiction.
96) I have learned how to put down boundaries with others in my life, this was not easy.
97) I have learned to laugh at myself and think humor (like love) is part of what makes it all work.
98) I believe most people are truly good in their hearts.
99) I love make up, clothes and to play dress up and to feel sexy. Thus my love for Halloween!
100) Isn't it sad I could punch out 100 random thoughts and could go on for 100 more! Oh yeah...I can be very long winded!