Pain

Another round of dental drama, appointment today 4:30 PM.  Same tooth, re-infected, golf ball forming on my face.  We’ll see what they say this afternoon, but I have a hunch that I’m going to lose it.  Which at this point, I am ok with.  It’s been 3 solid months of discomfort, office visits and expenses and way to  many antibiotics and pain medication.  I’m about over it, but need to remain objective about the next potential outcomes rather than let my pain dictate the outcome.  All I know is that most, if not all, of the options (except extraction) are quite pricey and mean yet more pain.

Pain is a funny thing.  I used to be so terrified of it.  Now, I guess I am less so.  Age and experience I suppose, has taught me that the fear of the pain is typically worse than the actual pain itself.  I really don’t need another thing pressing my anxiety buttons, so I’ll just deal with it when it comes rather than getting all worked up over it.  I’ve also found that medical related pain is often managed very effectively by caregivers.  They do not wish to see you in pain, so that helps a lot.  Just knowing that helps tremendously.  Even if I stay away from the pain medication or take it in very small doses, at least I know it’s there and people care. 

I am having more anxiety about missing work due to further appointments, not to mention the number of events coming in the coming weeks.  I cannot afford any real “down” time in the coming weeks, so hopefully my dentist will get that and work with me on times.  We’ll see what he says, I’m not convinced that I even like him all that much.  He has this sort of holier than thou attitude, like I’m a nuisance to him.  Once I get all this fixed, I’ll be looking for another dentist.  Unfortunately, I am stuck where I am due to insurance for the remainder of this treatment.  After that, I am free to go elsewhere and will probably do so.

Now, I just need to get through the day on ibuprofen alone and pray they can get this resolved sooner rather than later.

Happy Tuesday Friends, let’s do this!

BUYAAAAH

XO

Max's Graduation

What a wonderful event, so proud of the man child.  He hated every minute of it and claimed only to do it for me, but even I saw him swell with pride when he walked.  He did it, could we be any prouder of the boy?  I think I am still in shock, this seems to represent something, a milestone in his growth?  Or mine?  I'm not sure.  Regardless, he's most def growing into the most amazing human being and I'm so very impressed and proud.  I'd love him no matter what, but knowing that he stuck it out, even on the days it felt like torture, makes me smile.

He did it!

So very proud of the boy, he’s officially graduated from HS.  Let the festivities and congratulations begin!

It was a bit bumpy getting things rolling after the Wyoming stint, but he’s done it.  AND he has a J.O.B.  Proof positive that mom worries really do nothing for the ultimate outcome, all is well and will be well.  Things have to move at their own pace, which is not dictated by mommy wants and desires – but by child’s ability to navigate through his own life and learn about his own path, one wobbly step at a time.  Insert toddler analogy here.

I read something the other day about a parent’s job being teaching your children HOW to think, not WHAT to think.  If this came with the parenthood manual, all of our children would turn out totally well adjusted and capable, right?  Doubtful, but it’s a start.

Good job Max, you make my heart swell with love and my soul smile.   I know that whatever you choose to do with your energies will be full of experiences instrumental in your growth and I’ll be there, near or far, in your heart.

The Wild Things Survive

Maurice Sendak passed away, many tearful eyes today I am certain of that.  So many memories of reading “Where The Wild Things Are” to MY Max and listening to him giggle with delight and want to read it over and over and over.  I always threatened to send him to bed with no dinner as a joke, to which he would reply “Mommmm!  I’m not afraid of the monsters!”

I also recall "Higglety Pigglety Pop!" from my own childhood with enough clarity that I recall similar giggles of delight when reading it.

Let the wild rumpus begin!

You will be missed kind sir, thank you for revolutionizing children’s literature and bringing many giggles and delight to generations past and to come!

She’s Back, Yes She’s Back

Woof!  It’s been MORE than a year since my last post and how life can change in the span of one year.  I’ve been feeling inspired to write recently, to jump back on the horse, but have wavered.  Unsure of why, I began reading through some of my old posts and wowzers – I think there’s just SO much history here that it’s difficult to know what to let go, where to start anew and what’s the purpose of this for me personally?  One post that really drew my attention was my 2011 goals and dare I say – I somehow managed to accomplish many of them, unintentionally through lifestyle choices that I think naturally progress into many of the area’s I was so desperately looking to fill up and heal, but was struggling (quite desperately I might add) to achieve.

In order to jump up on this horse and ride, it makes the most sense to attempt a brief recap of this past year.   Partly, because there have been a number of milestones that have occurred that have landed me where I am today.  Let’s see how “brief” I can actually make it:

Me and my shadow
I am compelled to begin with a little back story.   I won’t go into all the disgusting details, but I made the  choice to completely exclude alcohol from my life in June 2011.  I took the steps necessary to change my life, sought help where I needed it and I have not had a drop to drink since.  I will celebrate my one year on 06/13/2012 and I have to say, it truly is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  It was a challenge at first, it takes time to cleanse and learn a new way to live.  Now, I can’t imagine living any other way.  I take a moment each day to acknowledge my accomplishment, feel good about the work I am doing and remain in gratitude to my higher power, which I believe, has saved my life.  No matter how you slice it, I have the “family disease” and it would be very easy to head down that path without some intervention, even though I know better, my biology was/is stronger than any logic.  I needed the tools to retrain my brain, heart and spirit. 

As a result, life over all has improved dramatically.  My energy, my relationships, clarity in mind and spirit, overall the improvement is so monumental I really can’t describe it any other way but to say it is like a rebirth.  I still struggle with the anxiety and depression.  Now though, I am able to actually let the anti-anxiety meds help me out the way they are intended to and overall, it is much more manageable than it ever was.  Every day I stay conscious of doing the right thing for me is a day I will live and grow, instead of dying and decaying slowly.

I’m still horribly addicted to caffeine, nicotine and food.    *shrug*  One thing at a time.

Over all, my health has also improved.   The tooth fairy did rain some hell down upon me a few months ago that forced me into action.  Not an ideal scenario – but I take that day by day and am thankful to have health insurance that actually covers my needs, and NOT be in pain every day, suffering.   Kidneys are in much better shape over all of course (OF COURSE RIGHT?) and in general, I get sick a lot less and when I do, it’s more like a cold and typically doesn’t turn into an sinus/ear infection.  Thank goodness for yanking  those tonsil, eh?  Well, that’s part of the equation anyway.

The Family
Max has been home for a while now and we’ve had some spurts and sputters along the way, but he’s gaining momentum in recent months.   He’s almost done with HS and is working part time doing landscaping, he seems to love it.  I’m very, VERY proud of the boy.  He’s got a good heart, I am confident he’ll continue to find his way through this thing we call life.  I do know this, I wouldn’t be 19 again if you gave me ten million dollars. 

The puggies are most definitely a source of light in my life and everyone they touch.   How sweet and comical they are, with their own unique personalities and quirks.  Bailey is a sweet, ultra intellectual, human loving pug.  Bella is still somewhat of a puppy, still a bit on the wild side. Her personality is still evolving, she is SO goofy, always wants to play and loves to get love – but squirms and wiggles relentlessly.  Food is always on their minds and is a primary motivator.

Sadly, however, Bella requires a fairly significant surgery as she has a liver shunt.   It’s pretty serious and her life span will be drastically reduced without it.  The surgery is insanely expensive, but that’s the thing about fur kids.  They ARE your kids, come hell or highwater – you do what has to be done.  So, we have a savings account just for little Bella’s surgery – slowly building and building.  Right now, we are managing with medication and diet until we have enough for the surgery.  I’m hoping by the end of the year. 

We no longer have any cats, Gaia left us about 6 months after Pumpkin passed away.   I am still hurting about the loss of Gaia as she simply up and disappeared.  I believe she went off to die and I am sad I was not with her.  I am not ready for any more cats right now, the time will present itself when it is right.

Dave and I are still together, we’ve had ups and downs like all couples I suppose.  He hasn’t been working as much as he’d like and things have been tough with that.  I do not have a prediction for where we might be in a year from now, but for today, we are working through it.

Relationships with my BFF’s have been a lifesaver this past year!  As always, they have remained steadfastly by my side through thick and thin and truly, I cannot imagine my life without any of them.  As we all age together, we only grow closer and smarter about how we love each other.  It is a joyous experience to grow together, especially since they ARE my family. 

I sure miss my WA family and am always aching to get out that way.  I did make it out in April 2011 and am hoping to make it out this coming September.  Time will tell, I’m determined to make it happen.  I desperately wish to see Rose and Clark, it’s always just behind the scenes in my travel plans.

Also, I have begun communicating more and more with my cousins, aunts, uncles and Grandfolks out in the South and Midwest.   It is sometimes complicated, but I do my very best to stay neutral when communicating with them b/c my main goal is to have a relationship with them and who they are and not have it be clouded by drama that is not their our “ours” collectively.

My Uncle Randy passed away in June 2011 (this had something to do with my before mentioned life style choices, more on that another time) and I pray for my Grandma every day.  She remains awesome as ever, but changed.   Obviously, it was very hard on the family as a whole so I think a lot of us took a step back and analyzed our own situations.

Re-Location
We moved, YET AGAIN, just a few short months ago.   We resisted and resisted because as everyone knows, moving is UBER stressful, expensive and uprooting.  Plus, I’ve done a fair amount of it in recent years and I’m about over it. 

It was a necessary evil, however.   We had simply outgrown the old house and it was falling apart.  Environment is everything.  I needed more light.  I needed the house to be more modern and spacious.  I needed my own bathroom.  Sharing a bathroom with 2 boys was NOT working out. 

We moved in the last week of January, 2012 thankfully, the weather held for us.   It’s large, affordable for the area (rent is INSANELY high in the Denver area, good lord!) and has a lot of yard space and fenced back yard for the puglets.  So far, I don’t hate the neighbors and it’s at the end of a cul de sac, so it’s very remote feeling and quiet. 

There was some drama experienced during the first month though, namely plumbing related and it did add an extra level of stress to the situation.   It was resolved fairly quickly by the landlord (who is a very nice lady btw) and life is good in the new house.  I am hopeful that some roots can be put down here, for a while anyway.

I’m taking my toys and going home!
I was looking over my posts from 2010/2011 and my unhappiness at my previous employer is quite evident.     I surely was making no secret of my discontent and there came a point where I said no more.  It was as clear as day and I have no regrets.  I gave that company 7 years of my life, 5 of them were very good and I did my best to stick it out until the end – but I am not going down with the ship thank you very much.  My mental health is not worth it.

I was recruited by another company and made that transition in February 2012.   One week after we moved into our new house.  As you can see, I’m an all or nothing type of girl.  My dental woes also occurred in February/March.  2012 first quarter has been a handful, but I survived.

Love the new position; it is very close to home.   4.6 miles to be exact.  I feel I have finally found the marriage of community based work and desired income to meet my needs/desires and so far, I’m loving the environment.  My only real complaint is there are days I do not have enough to do and other days where I’m slammed.  I also feel underutilized in some areas.  I’d like to see a little more balance there.  I believe that over time, there is a great deal of growth potential here, and I am going to see where it takes me. 

I do miss my former co-workers, specifically R.  She and I were two peas in a pod and worked together fabulously.  We had something very special there, we were more like a small family then anything.  That is something that will take me time to adjust to.  I do not anticipate I will form any strong bonds in the new environment, but am working hard to remain open to it.

Now what?
Living the dream is on the docket.   I have great days and not so great days, but every day – I’m happy to be alive and living isn’t quite so painful.  I’m on the other side of my 30’s now and while I have moments of craving the excitement and adventure of my youth, I am slowly settling into something more balanced and less intense/chaotic then was once the norm for me.  That, in and of itself, is a huge journey.  If you only knew how challenging it is for me to be still, silent, satiated.

I am exploring my hobbies more and more, love the knitting so far.  Would like to look at crocheting/painting and still dream of picking up an instrument.  Even at my age, surely it must be possible to learn a whole new language, yes? 

I do know, I will pick back up the writing.  Sometimes, it’s ok to put something down long enough to get your bearings.  Trust you me, I had some SERIOUS bearings to get in alignment. 

What I will use my blog for, I do not know, but I do miss it and know it’s something that needs to be part of my daily life. 

Happy Monday
XO