Sarah's 2010 Year In Review

Shew, is this time again already? Every year the Holidays sneak up on me faster and faster and I find myself each year being less and less surprised by this. It really is true that life seems to pass you by in a flash (or is that we just start paying more attention to the quality of moments as we age?) and time seems to move a little quicker every day, week, month and year that goes by.

For me, it has been a year of transitions, challenges, rewards and much needed and appreciated relief. Max has been in Casper well over a year now and I can tell you, it’s taken me this long to acclimate. I have to say though, in retrospect, I believe it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. I miss him every day, I fret over his future, I wonder if he’s eating enough and taking good care of himself. I guess that is never going to go away? That said, the relationship that is blossoming between us is more than I could have ever hoped for. He seems to have gained significant insights within the past 16 months (as have I), as I suppose getting out into the world and on your own can do to a person. Max has experienced a lot more “real life” in the past year and I can tell it’s aged him in all the good ways. He has his own apartment, vehicle and job to maintain on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish he’d had a little more of being a “kid” to enjoy. How I’d hoped he would have more of a traditional high school/college experience. We all want that for our own kids, to hope that they have more opportunities and less life stress. I am learning quickly that a person’s future can hold many forms. Formal education is not for everyone. Though, deep down I’d be thrilled if Max returned to education sooner rather than later, I am learning to trust him and that his path is his own and what he needs from me is for me to be in his corner. And I am. He makes it easy. He’s doing well for himself and while I would have liked things to not be quite so “real” for him at the tender age of 18, I see him trudging his way through it and learning and coping well and making pretty good decisions over all. What the future holds for him I am not entirely sure, he’s a young man trying different things to see what works for him. I can’t fault him for trying on all his different “selves” – it is part of the process, but I surely do appreciate how much closer we seem to have gotten as a result of the changes and a little distance. I am thrilled that I am the first person he calls if he has a question about some random thing or just needs me to listen. He’s clear that he can call on me if he needs something, that I may not be able to fix it, but that I am there no matter what. And when he’s “home” with mom, he hugs me like he means it and I get all the juicy details about day to day life. It’s good stuff. What else can a momma bear ask for?




In baby news, babies have been in abundance this year! My sister Rose, had her first son and made me the proud Aunty of little Clark William McKinney on Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 11:18 a.m. weighing 6 lbs, 9 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He is like the COOLEST most awesomely blond haired little toe head yet (of course besides Max) and am really impressed by what great parents Rose and Michael are to their wee tot. My dear friend Becky had her youngest just a few short weeks ago in mid December and he’s an absolute doll. I love her whole family and am so pleased to have her back in Colorado! My best friend Kirsten’s family brought home their first baby in 17+ years the week of Thanksgiving 2010, little Lily. So sweet, looks just like her daddy. I love all these babies, they are so warm and snuggly and a very gentle reminder of the beauty of youth and life.

I bought a new car in the spring of 2010. As many of you know, I am fan of the automobile and am enjoying my new Subaru to the utmost. Wish it would SNOW in the Denver Area so I could enjoy it, dammit! Next, a new sound system will be installed as I plan on driving this Subie for a while and momma needs her beats!

Another new addition to the family this year was Bella, a faun female pug. As many of you may remember, Bailey (black female pug) came home with me in March 2009. Bella came home in late June 2010 at almost exactly 2 months old. She is now closing in on 8 months old and she is a HANDFULL! It is, as they say, like having a toddler in the house X 2. Bailey is uber maternal with Bella and teaches, nurtures and snuggles (and occasionally disciplines) Bella. Bella is fiercely curious about all things, especially about whatever I am doing and the cats. Bella is convinced that Gaia isn’t really allowed to live in the same house and “tattles” on her to me all the time. Pumpkin is still alive and kicking (really, real talk!) and Gaia(THE most enchanting black witchy cat ever) watches all the madness from her perch, taking it in and disapproving where necessary. If my house sounds like fur ball chaos, it is. It’s great. My niece Bethany (Kristen’s daughter and approximately Max’s age) has also been spending more time with me and helping me with the dogs. She’s an angel, I absolutely adore her.



I know that my work has partly been responsible for whisking the year by at break neck speed. I have acquired many new duties, responsibilities and skills this year and it’s been incredibly rewarding and challenging alike. There have also been some big changes internally as well that have caused all of us to acclimate to a new way of doing things and doing our best to keep up with the changes in a positive and focused manner. We do it though, I am constantly in awe of my team-mates, how dedicated and talented they all are. It is an honor to work with such a great group of individuals. The coming year is looking similar, we are rewriting some of our core applications and the entire team will be dedicated to that in early 2011. I’m really hoping to be able to focus on getting more shiny new programming skills under my belt, but we’ll see, those “other duties as assigned” in my job description seem to have infinite definitions, possibilities and demands.

We had many good friends move out of state this year which while I am sad to have seen them go, I feel joy in knowing that they are all experiencing new opportunities along the way. I wish you all the best and hope to see you soon!

Dave started a new job in August. It is going well, as well as his industry can support at the moment anyway, but he is seriously considering changing career paths at 30-achem-something, which I support 100%. He’s a hard working, wonderful person who is pretty good to me. I feel very lucky.

I lost a dear friend in September to cancer. He fought bravely for many years and it was a bit more sudden then anyone could have anticipated. He is dearly missed.

After about 2 years deliberation, the tonsils finally came out in October 2010. Admittedly, I was very nervous about the surgery. I’d heard some pretty awful things but really, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience all things considered. The surgery itself went great – no anesthesia hiccups (thank you medical staff at Lutheran Hospital!) and my recovery, while long, exceeded my expectations. Dave and Kristen did their best to take care of me and I was kept entertained while not sleeping by reading, Facebook, gaming, etc….3 weeks at home before I could return to work, about 8 weeks total before the area was healed and not noticeably annoying. Since, I have not had a single bout of strep throat, ear infection, sinus infection or illness more annoying that a very mild cold that lasted all of the 3 days. This is how *normal* people feel? Amazing. I should have done it years ago. I am just so thankful that I have an employer who was supportive of the time off needed to have the surgery and recover. What a blessing!

All in all, that pretty much sums up the big stuff for this year. I am blessed, loved and love life. I have learned and lived so very much this year, connected and reconnected with many wonderful souls along the way and had many great adventures that I can’t help but feel absolute gratitude. There are always ups and downs in any period of time, but with age I am learning how to cope with loss and stress more effectively each day. Even the aging part is growing on me, though the more predominant laugh lines and crows feet? Those are taking some getting used to!

Next year, I am looking forward to some time off that doesn’t involve me laid up in bed recovering from something and hopefully, I’ll be seeing more friends and family as a result and continuing to build on those relationships which make me feel so incredibly fortunate. Max is planning another visit in July, or we may go out there, I’m not sure yet. We talk so regularly that even though he’s far away, it doesn’t feel that way most days. I’ll still snatch up any opportunity I get to mom him though and enjoy all his uniqueness. No plans to move or anything major in the coming year, keeping it simple is the plan and I’m A-ok with that!

Please see the attached photo’s for your pleasure and yes, I am that person. I humiliate my animals by dressing them up :) Also, I apologize for the lack of “Dave” pics, he is realllllly not into having his picture taken!

Wishing you all the best in 2011!

Love & hugs all,
Sarah

Turkey Day Recap

Wednesday
Excused from work early, went home and baked and prepped for Thanksgiving. Bowled with D on the Wii, getting better every day. Some day, I will win.

Thursday
Up at 7 AM with the dogs and started cooking/cleaning immediately. Lots of coffee. Dinner by 1 PM, was way to much food for two people and two puggies. Puggies indulged (see below) happily, Gaia and Pumpkin just licked the gravy off their turkey. Didn’t even eat the turkey! Cats…such food snobs. Cleaned up the kitchen (sort of) and Dave and I basically slept the rest of the day, we had an extremely busy week, both in preparation for the holiday and at work. I heard from Pam via text, she wants to “talk soon?” I don’t have a response for that whole issue at the moment. I’m not ready, I don’t think. I didn’t call anyone on the holiday. I don’t feel guilty for some reason. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable with being ok with people not liking me all the time for not living up to their standards or what I’m “supposed” to do. There are STILL leftovers in the fridge and we are going on almost a week later. It will be the last time I cook an actual turkey tho, so gross. All that skin and bones and tendons and stuff. I’m just not cut out to be a carnivore, even though it was delicious and I thanked it a number of times while Dave stared at me like I was fresh out of the loony bin.

Friday
Woke up early, continued cleaning up the volumes of dishes from the previous day’s festivities. Played with the dogs and dinked around for about an hour before heading up the mountain to see Max. Was a beautiful morning in town, but the clouds were looming once I got up the mountain a bit. It was spitting snow and wind once I got to Idaho Springs and I anxiously awaited Max’s arrival at our pre-determined spot. He was there rather promptly, got out of the car looking like natural born snow border, clad in all the gear, complete with hat. AND A GOATEE! He’s got fuzz on his face, what the heck! It’s adorable, I loves it, but it took me back a bit. We went to a lovely café for brunch, I had the vegetarian eggs benedict, he had French toast and sausage. We chatted over tea and Coca Cola, did a lot of catching up. Much of which I’m still processing, most profoundly though seem to be his insights on the previous few years and his behavior and my behavior and how we landed to where we are today. He mentioned that he was sorry that he’d been such an “ass” to me, that he really was acting like a jerk and doing his best to make me feel like crap so he’d get what he wanted. He admitted that living in WY wasn’t at all what he expected and that getting to know his dad has been a good experience, but again, not at all what he expected. He said, and I quote “Now I know why you guys aren’t together. There’s no possible way you two could put up with each other.” We both laughed at that and for maybe the first time in a long time, I saw it like that instead of having mixed feelings about the man that is my baby’s daddy. I also got a serious glimpse into Max’s young psyche, has he been wondering all this time why we aren’t together? I honestly hadn’t really thought of that, I guess perhaps I just assumed it was obvious. But not to someone who doesn’t know Sean and Max, didn’t really know Sean until probably the last 18 months or so and living with someone is a whole different set of rules. Which was a natural segue in the conversation about living with his room-mate and what that’s like and he’s curious about Dave and I. He went on to tell me how much he likes Dave. That he feels more comfortable at east knowing Dave is there with me, he said “I know he’d know what to do if anything happened.” I don’t know what that means, except that man-child is clearly protective of his momma bear, even from afar. I hope not to much tho, I realllly don’t want him to have the same crappy baggage I do. Some other kind of baggage, fine, so be it and I’m sure it will be. We talked for a few hours, did some window shopping at all the quaint little mountain shops. He bought Kristen a Christmas ornament and kept trying to buy me this little doo dad or that. At which I smiled a great deal, it’s very clear he’s trying to assert his independence AND wants to prove he’s doing “ok.” I think he wants me to be proud of him. And I am. Totally, he’s really coming into himself and while I know I’m not getting the whole story, I think he’s doing pretty ok for himself. I probed about school, not to much tho, we all know how private kids can be when they get out on their own. He gets a little prickly when I bring it up, so I tread that water carefully. He says he’ll think about it. I told him I just wanted him to at least get his GED and think about Vocational Training of some kind when (?) he returns to CO, which he assures me is by about age 21. The kid has been in his own apartment about one month now. He may find that he wants more then Capser has to offer him before the next 3 years come to pass. There’s very little available to him now out there, he admits it. Ultimately, I know he’ll find his way and this may not include formal education. I always tell him “You got the best of me and your dad, you are smart and capable. You are street savvy and can read a book, those are two things that will never fail you in life.” He laughs, but he knows I’m right. He gave me the most awesome hug goodbye, good solid manly squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I tried not to cry, he reminded me he’d be down at Christmas time for a whole week. That made me smile. I left the visit feeling like my baby boy is out in the world, finding himself, but knows where his momma’s heart is and that it’s always open to him. What else could I ask for? Spent the rest of Friday cleaning house and kicking Dave’s but at Wii golf. He then, kicked my butt at ping pong and baseball. My arms are still sore, he admits I gave him a good run for his money at the ping pong.

Saturday
Slept as late as possible, which is like 7:30 AM at the most. By this point, I’m pretty tired. Got the puggies nice and worn out, showered and headed out the door to meet Rosebud and Clark William at DIA. Dave wakes up as I’m walking out, smooches and goes out to smoke in his boxers. I’m thinking, man you are dedicated to that stuff! I don’t say anything, he knows I want him to quit. I know nagging him won’t change a thing and really, who am I to say a word? I smoked for a solid 15 years before I quit and still sneak an occasional clove smoke here and there when the occasion calls for it. Drive to DIA, not much traffic, I’m thinking right on. Find a parking spot right in front, another RIGHT ON. I was expecting total chaos due to the holiday and don’t get me wrong, the airport was busier then normal. However, as I later told Rose, it’s designed to keep people moving in all it’s enormity and modern transportation-oriented design. So people are hustling and bustling all around me, I grab some water and a snack and settle in patiently near the train exit. I’m nervous to see Rose, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe because it had been so long, maybe because I didn’t know how she’ll react to me or what if there was nothing to talk about? Those little insecure voices are SO annoying. The second she walked up with little Clark strapped to her, my eyes welled up and one of those big wet drippy tears came running down on both sides. We hugged, I apologized for the tears she looked at me and said “Oh your fine”, kind of waiving it off and smiling a little and we were off on our way. We were able to spend about an hour and a half together. I don’t know why wouldn’t have anything to talk about, we haven’t seen each other in ages. So much has happened, so much to get caught up on and plus, the little monkey really is very entertaining. No lack of interest there! Rose has grown up so much. Motherhood becomes her, she’s warm and loving and honest about what being a mom means for her. Clark is easily the most mellow baby at age 1 I’ve ever met. He just takes it all in, watches and gauges the situation and dives right in. It only took him about 10 minutes to warm up to me, which I thought given the circumstances was pretty flattering. Imagine, sitting in a busy air port on a holiday weekend meeting this big tall lady you’ve never met who just keeps trying to hug and kiss you! The horror! Clark was all over it though, we walked around and had lunch. We played and talked and he gave me some good hugs. Clark shared his rice with me and has quite the appetite. It must run in the Conlee blood. As Rose and I sat there talking, about being a mom and work and life, I had this epiphany that it was only because of a small twist of fate that we didn’t end being in the same house together, growing up as sisters on the day to day. She seems familiar to me. I feel inherently comfortable and an ease communicating with her, like she really does understand me. I think she feels the same with me too. I see mannerisms and physical features that I recognize. Later, I think to myself that neither of us grew up with a sister and she’s approximately the same difference in age with her brothers as I am with her. I try not linger on the thought, but there is this strange connection I feel to her that I don’t totally understand and I can’t tell if it’s because we are blood related in a significant way or our circumstances, though very different, are also very similar. It’s hard not knowing your father, it’s hard knowing you have a sibling out in the world that circumstances did not allow you to know until recently and it’s work to be a mom and women and wife and all those things that we both have been. Feminine unification perhaps? In any event, the visit left me pondering much and there were a lot of tears in parting from her and Clark. A longing overcame me to be a part of their lives, in a regular way. To know Clark as he ages and get to know my sister. She’s very warm and loving, I sense a similar ongoing balance and battle with the logical and emotional selves, there are many things I was able to gleem from that one interaction that has stuck with me and I think the biggest, most profound one was that my fears about us not being able to get along or have a quality relationship because of the very different ways in which were raised are not fair to either of us. It wasn’t her fault, or mine, that this is how it is and there’s no reason to taint the waters with things that are in the past and not really relevant to us. I mean what can we do about it anyway? Not a whole lot, so let’s put it in the past and move forward.

Sunday
Slept and cleaned up the house a bit more, but mostly slept. The holidays wear me out! Shew!

That said, here we are more than a week since the big event and I’m pooped out still! Not just from that but also from the various activities since, getting decorations in order, having friends over for meals, etc. I’m hoping to keep this weekend low key as I’m a bit fried already. I also jacked my back up doing yard work this weekend. My body is now going to start screaming at me to get the “rest” of me in shape now that my tonsils are no excuse? Danget.

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