Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of losing someone that meant the world to me from her battle with breast cancer. She was 30 years old when she passed. Even though I only knew her on Earth a few short years, she impacted my life (and everyone around her I know for a fact) indefinitely and I now know her presence in my life set into motion a chain of events that have been teaching me ever since the day I met her.
When she first passed, for about the first year I was very confused and saddened by the entire experience. I spent months in a haze, questioning and agonizing over what felt like yet another loss. Such is the self-absorbed 20-something, so much so that it became somewhat personal and I found myself in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and growth to help guide me through the pain and frustration, because I went from misery to total outrage over the subject for some time to come. Plus, Carin had shared many new experiences with me, drumming circles and sweats and cleansing rituals which I took and ran with and became hungry for any and all things new in the spiritual realm. So I think I kept with that forward motion and used my new found tools to help give me some measure of understanding, or at the very least, soothe the worried soul.
I’ll never forget this, in an effort to comfort me, someone said “God only takes the most beautiful flowers for his own garden.” and I can honestly remember looking at that person with nothing but contempt in my eyes. I know my eyes must’ve been like daggers because that person literally backed away from me as I stiffened against her very well intended hug. At the time, it all seemed cruel and heartless, that “God” would take one of the most brilliantly beautiful people from this Earth away in such a harsh manner. Carin was this gorgeous, loving, generous, warm, compassionate and outragelously kind person. There are so few of this breed in the world (or so I thought) how could “God” do that to her? To us? TO ME! That bastard! Blasphemous I know, but please remember I really was but a child, at the tender age of 23-ish and my mind was still closed to the idea of “God” as I understand him now or that this term could mean so much more than a Christian deity.
Since, I have come to terms with loss of life as part of the cycle and the Universe’s divinity. My relationship with God has blossomed. My memories and thoughts of Carin are wrapped in light and joy. I smile when I think of her every day and even when the pain of missing her comes, I still smile because I know this physical life is temporary and I’ll see her again and if not, she brought so much to this lifetime for me that I feel my spirit will forever be bonded with hers.
As proof that the Universe is listening, I heard a song this morning that I haven’t heard in years. I rarely listen to this station and this morning I just so happened upon it and it brought so many memories flooding back. Memories of all the pain and young angst I experienced during those years after Carin’s passing. Even though this song is very sad and dark, it was where I was at the time and I’ll never forget what it meant to me then. It allowed the tears to come, the external physical manifestation of my heart breaking. The music made it ok for me somehow to weep openly and loudly and I am still, to this day, grateful for it.
Enjoy.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-1295329267/the_offspring_gone_away_official_music_video/
The Offspring, Gone Away
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can’t deal it’s so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away
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