please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious
papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar
please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance
papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee I've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you
papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar
please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Crossroads
Life deals you a hand from time to time that leaves one so wide open with choices it
can be both exhilarating and daunting to select one. At present day, I feel
faced with the decision about how (or why) to further my career and how it
pertains to my current private life. The way I see it, my choices are:
1) Continue with my existing career path
Study on my own, take some formal classes leading toward certification or
degree studies.
Pro’s: I can stay with my present employer, paycheck pays the bills, learn
on the job, tuition imbursements, PTO and medical.
Con’s: I am not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of my life,
it feels unstable and unpredictable, a fair amount of studying outside of work
is going to be required to get me up to speed on the .Net platforms (which I’ve
gotten jacked around in this area for a while now) and I’m not sure how
happy I am over all/am dreading going to work lately. Considerably less time
with loved ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just
getting used to having.
2) Pursue formal degree in existing genre, possibly graphic art or
more web design oriented
Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.
Pro’s: It is a good marriage between two fields I adore and excel at,
art and technology. Will remain valid and in demand. I believe I would be
happier over the long term in this field rather then structural programming and
data end.
Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting
myself into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting over (to a
degree) as a graphic artist or designer, I would take a pay cut, at least
initially. Considerably less time with loved ones, including fur babies and
time for myself, which I am just getting used to having.
3) Pursue something completely out of the techie realm
Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.
Pro’s: It would challenge me outside of the technical side of life for
which I have spent the past 15 years and my adult life embroiled in, most
likely philanthropic in nature. Possibly looking at an environmental studies
or advocacy (animal, children, women?) program. Maybe English Lit or History.
Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting myself
into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting completely over at 35
years old in an industry unfamiliar to me. Considerably less time with loved
ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just getting used to
having.
4) A combination of the above?
Get a less demanding job, preferrabley part time, go back to school part
time, take 1 – 2 classes per semester and spend the rest of my time with
my family and fur babies and MYSELF.
Pro’s: To me, this would be the ideal I think and would consist of a
combination of the above. Far less challenging work environment, forward
movement in pursuing education goals, plenty of time for myself, Dave, the
doggies, etc. I have far less responsibilities as a whole, wouldn’t it
be a lot of fun to spend some time getting to enjoy that a little?
Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be taking a pay cut, getting myself into some degree
of debt with the whole student loan thing AND there is the whole question of just
how vulnerable I am willing to make myself. One could also consider this a
step backward professionally, albeit it temporary, it would take me a few years
to actually pull together a degree like this.
Much much to think about, no? You might be wondering what is causing this? There
are two driving forces. One, I am really on the fence about my current work
situation and the more I find myself absolutely dreading going to work each day
the more I think to myself “Hrrrm, is life not for living and experimenting?
I’d really rather not be miserable every day for an eternity in the cube
infested shiny box that is my work day.” The second is that to a certain
extent, I have an option I’ve never had before. I am no longer
responsible for anyone else but myself. *GASP*
Yes, this is just NOW becoming a reality. And this, in and of itself, presents
a freedom that I’ve never been able to factor into my decisions before so
it’s a lot exciting (and anxiety provoking) to think about.
Feedback is valued and welcome as always
xo
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Proof that the Universe is listening…..
Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of losing someone that meant the world to me from her battle with breast cancer. She was 30 years old when she passed. Even though I only knew her on Earth a few short years, she impacted my life (and everyone around her I know for a fact) indefinitely and I now know her presence in my life set into motion a chain of events that have been teaching me ever since the day I met her.
When she first passed, for about the first year I was very confused and saddened by the entire experience. I spent months in a haze, questioning and agonizing over what felt like yet another loss. Such is the self-absorbed 20-something, so much so that it became somewhat personal and I found myself in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and growth to help guide me through the pain and frustration, because I went from misery to total outrage over the subject for some time to come. Plus, Carin had shared many new experiences with me, drumming circles and sweats and cleansing rituals which I took and ran with and became hungry for any and all things new in the spiritual realm. So I think I kept with that forward motion and used my new found tools to help give me some measure of understanding, or at the very least, soothe the worried soul.
I’ll never forget this, in an effort to comfort me, someone said “God only takes the most beautiful flowers for his own garden.” and I can honestly remember looking at that person with nothing but contempt in my eyes. I know my eyes must’ve been like daggers because that person literally backed away from me as I stiffened against her very well intended hug. At the time, it all seemed cruel and heartless, that “God” would take one of the most brilliantly beautiful people from this Earth away in such a harsh manner. Carin was this gorgeous, loving, generous, warm, compassionate and outragelously kind person. There are so few of this breed in the world (or so I thought) how could “God” do that to her? To us? TO ME! That bastard! Blasphemous I know, but please remember I really was but a child, at the tender age of 23-ish and my mind was still closed to the idea of “God” as I understand him now or that this term could mean so much more than a Christian deity.
Since, I have come to terms with loss of life as part of the cycle and the Universe’s divinity. My relationship with God has blossomed. My memories and thoughts of Carin are wrapped in light and joy. I smile when I think of her every day and even when the pain of missing her comes, I still smile because I know this physical life is temporary and I’ll see her again and if not, she brought so much to this lifetime for me that I feel my spirit will forever be bonded with hers.
As proof that the Universe is listening, I heard a song this morning that I haven’t heard in years. I rarely listen to this station and this morning I just so happened upon it and it brought so many memories flooding back. Memories of all the pain and young angst I experienced during those years after Carin’s passing. Even though this song is very sad and dark, it was where I was at the time and I’ll never forget what it meant to me then. It allowed the tears to come, the external physical manifestation of my heart breaking. The music made it ok for me somehow to weep openly and loudly and I am still, to this day, grateful for it.
Enjoy.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-1295329267/the_offspring_gone_away_official_music_video/
The Offspring, Gone Away
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can’t deal it’s so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away
When she first passed, for about the first year I was very confused and saddened by the entire experience. I spent months in a haze, questioning and agonizing over what felt like yet another loss. Such is the self-absorbed 20-something, so much so that it became somewhat personal and I found myself in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and growth to help guide me through the pain and frustration, because I went from misery to total outrage over the subject for some time to come. Plus, Carin had shared many new experiences with me, drumming circles and sweats and cleansing rituals which I took and ran with and became hungry for any and all things new in the spiritual realm. So I think I kept with that forward motion and used my new found tools to help give me some measure of understanding, or at the very least, soothe the worried soul.
I’ll never forget this, in an effort to comfort me, someone said “God only takes the most beautiful flowers for his own garden.” and I can honestly remember looking at that person with nothing but contempt in my eyes. I know my eyes must’ve been like daggers because that person literally backed away from me as I stiffened against her very well intended hug. At the time, it all seemed cruel and heartless, that “God” would take one of the most brilliantly beautiful people from this Earth away in such a harsh manner. Carin was this gorgeous, loving, generous, warm, compassionate and outragelously kind person. There are so few of this breed in the world (or so I thought) how could “God” do that to her? To us? TO ME! That bastard! Blasphemous I know, but please remember I really was but a child, at the tender age of 23-ish and my mind was still closed to the idea of “God” as I understand him now or that this term could mean so much more than a Christian deity.
Since, I have come to terms with loss of life as part of the cycle and the Universe’s divinity. My relationship with God has blossomed. My memories and thoughts of Carin are wrapped in light and joy. I smile when I think of her every day and even when the pain of missing her comes, I still smile because I know this physical life is temporary and I’ll see her again and if not, she brought so much to this lifetime for me that I feel my spirit will forever be bonded with hers.
As proof that the Universe is listening, I heard a song this morning that I haven’t heard in years. I rarely listen to this station and this morning I just so happened upon it and it brought so many memories flooding back. Memories of all the pain and young angst I experienced during those years after Carin’s passing. Even though this song is very sad and dark, it was where I was at the time and I’ll never forget what it meant to me then. It allowed the tears to come, the external physical manifestation of my heart breaking. The music made it ok for me somehow to weep openly and loudly and I am still, to this day, grateful for it.
Enjoy.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-1295329267/the_offspring_gone_away_official_music_video/
The Offspring, Gone Away
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can’t deal it’s so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Sweet Sweet Carin
I miss you and am thinking of you today. Not just today, every day. I know it was eons ago, but I remember that day well. How you waited for me. The thunderstorms. How I kept blasting the music in my car on the way home to numb the voices in my head and heart. Now, when I think of you I only think of purple and picnic tables and ferrets and freckles. I remember your smile and how you smell and how you hugged me every time like it might be the last time we ever saw each other. I hug everyone I love like that now too. I hope you are not disappointed in me, I hope you know I am just learning and growing like everyone else. I hope someday I’ll see you again and we can laugh at all this silliness, until then I know I love you girl and I will always, always hold you close to my heart.
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