My desktop has been attacked by something with malicious intent. Must be all that “adult content” and Facebook-ing I do. Whatever. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done the networking/strictly IT side of things so I have dig way deep back in the little folds of my brain to remember the steps involved with properly detecting whatever it is that is causing my desktop to act like a squirrel on a vente double shot espresso from Starbucks. Sigh. It’s scanning right now which essentially eats up all of my resources until it’s done, thus allowing me to do little or nothing on the Internet, in Office 2003 OR use a single one of my development apps because those are the most resource intensive of the bunch (Visual Studio 2008 in particular) so I thought, hmmmmm, when in doubt, blog.
I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately. What is the purpose of it really? My intentions oscilate between it being about my own random meadorings, not really intened for any specific audience and wanting to use it as a means to keep folks posted on the somewhat mediocre life I’ve created with the occasional hiccups that produce both pleasures and pain, which in a sense seems a little narcasistic now that I am thinking on the subject. I’m undecided as to whether I need to change up the format and focus just on something specific, something USEFULL to the Internet world or if I am content to keep on posting, blathering on about whatever. I surely don’t expect that anyone is reading it, but when something blows up, I am reminded that it is being read and I should take that into consideration.
Things on the Max-front are interesting. He’s been ill for a few days and nothing brings out the “I want my mommy” – ies like having a head full of phlegm and a sore throat. So I did my duty as a mother and cared for him all weekend, meanwhile nursing my own bout of the ickness. Luckily we are both feeling much better today, no harm, no foul. I can’t quite figure him out, but something changed again around Wednesday or Thursday. He started being “nice” again, almost overly so. I am suspicious, suffice to say I don’t trust the boy at the moment. My mind wanders in all kinds of ugly places so it’s hard for me to know what’s really going on with him. Is he trying to trick me into thinking things are on the up and up, but secretly there is plotting going on behind my back? Yesterday we ran some quick errands and hung out most of the day together and I tell you, I enjoyed every moment of it. He has such a great sense of humor and can be like the sweetest guy on the planet. I figure hey, I’ll suck up this time with him where I can, it is fleeting after all. Something tells me this child is going to break someone’s heart in his life time and who’s heart to men always break first? There mother’s of course. Then, one would hope their mothers get to reap what’s been sown for the last 18 or 21 years, but we’ll see.
Work is quiet again, I keep having this fear that I’m going to come into work one of these days and get laid off. I’m trying desperately not to let that idea linger to long as to avoid it being cooked up as a reality (I’m a bit superstitious like that) because I’d really like to believe my job is stable so I can continue working on stabilizing the rest of my life, which is coming along nicely over all. But the fear hasn’t quite left me yet, it flares up and then the fear fire is put out by more code for me to write or trouble shoot, my inclusion in all things development team related and things all around being seemingly normal. For example, our department received a gold award from a global conference for delivery providers last month. It’s fairly prestigious and our department of 8 little developers and one kick ass supervisor (Ok, I GUESS the 24/7 IT admin staff had something to do with it….I mean SOMEONE has to make sure those servers are consistently operational and the database’s are being managed properly - they rock seriously) has some how managed to play with the big dogs in terms of application development to manage media delivery. So it’s nothing to sneeze at, we are even having a bbq thrown in our honor on Wednesday and I know the whole staff appreciates those types of events on occasion. Good for morale and all that. We are also getting ready to sign contract with a group that will pour a fair amount of cash into our department to merge our applications with their existing delivery media software. We are looking at potentially doubling our staff to make that transition happen so that gives you an idea of the kind of money we are talking about. Not sure where we are going to fit everyone, we are already crammed in here like sardines as it is, but I trust management to make it comfortable. They’ve never let me down yet. However, my bottom line is that I am insecure about my skill set at this point. Any new developers they hire are going to be experienced developers, I will continue to be low man on the development totem pole until I don’t know when, it really just takes time and experience and I wonder sometimes if my employer can have the patience to allow for that time to pass and experience to be gained. The reality is that they need a certain type of developer and I’m just not there yet. On the other hand, I believe that Nancy does value me and PDC isn’t the type of company to just throw someone away after 4 years, though I have seen it happen in one particular case. So I do feel like my ass is on the line and all I can do is get my butt to work every day, work hard and try to let them know I’m up to any task they have for me. It is stressfull tho, I can’t quite totally quiet the voices in my head telling me I’m on my way out and to get ready for it. That’s just how I’m built, to always be on guard for potential crisis. It wears me out some times.
Doh…back to work, my laptop is toast. It will have to be rebuilt and until then I will be sitting in the only empty cube in the office, setting up THAT environment for the next 2 days until my laptop comes back and then I’ll be setting THAT environment back up so I can actually get some work done. Poo. Not my happiest Monday, not the worst either tho I suppose :)
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