The Difference Between 23 and 33

Reflective birthdays are probably the most productive I’ve decided. Admittedly, I was disappointed that I spent 3 nights and 2 days very literally in bed; sneezing, hacking, gagging and otherwise engaging in battle with the Snot Monster. I was also none to pleased to cancel my various long standing birthday plans with my girls because let’s face it kids, my girlz are my rock, without them I’d surely have gone completely insane by now. So, I allowed myself a few moments pout and got over it. Clearly, other plans were in store for me so I just went with it and I will say this; I slept like a baby (with medicinal assistance) all three nights for the first time in weeks. I also feel, in spite of how I may sound to my co-workers, considerably better and more rested on a Monday then I have in so long I can’t even remember. Max spent a good portion of the weekend at a friends, playing video games and when he came home he was tired and slept most of the time. Between his absence and my forced bed rest, I had some time to ponder 33 and what it means to me and so I will share that with you now in no particular order. Don’t expect anything terribly profound here people, this blog is based purely on a few scattered notes I made amid naps, sneezing attacks and hazy head spaces.

The Difference between 23 and 33

1. Obviously, the relationship between Max and his momma has changed dramatically. We’ve surely suffered through some tough times together, and had plenty of incredibly positive ones as well. I would say the main difference is one that can only come from age, both from me as a person/mother and him as a young child becoming a young man. Our communication is much more direct. I’ve lightened up considerably and find that we laugh more then I ever thought possible. He’s becoming who he is and I enjoy him more and more every day. On the days when I want to strangle him and I am covered in cloud of worry and doubts, I am more able to take a step back and see how far we’ve come and know that we’ve accomplished something as a family. I can look back at 10 years ago and see how completely inexperienced I was as a woman and as a parent. I can see that I truly did not realize the full depth of what it meant to be a mother, the importance of my impact on him. I know that might sound like a cop out, but I really truly did not “get it” until fairly recently just how critical I am to this kiddo. Again, one can know something logically, but not fully grasp it until it hits them in some grand manner. These past 2 years or so have definitely done that with Max and my main hope now is that it’s not to late and if nothing else, being a mother has been the most defining experience for me thus far. That’s not something I would have said in my early 20’s, I was determined to be more then “just” a mother. Silly woman, didn’t you realize then what an incredible honor it is to be someone’s mother? Cripes. I could just slap me.

2. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have cared how sick I was and went on with my plans anyway. I would have taken a ton of meds, went out and shared my germs with everyone, most likely drinking way too much and staying out way too late and ending up with bronchitis or something ten times worse then a simple cold. Because at that time in my life, nothing was going to get in the way of a rare opportunity to go out and party because those opportunities were far and few between. Now, I can safely say that I’ve had more then my fair share of fun and know that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll have fun again, so one weekend of plans in the grand scheme of things surely isn’t worth getting my panties to bunched up about. I’ve still been known to go out and party like a rock star though, so I’ve not kicked the bucket yet on that front.

3. There is a song by Alanis Morrisette entitled “Unsent.” It chronicles what I can only assume are her own reflections on past relationships with boys. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/unsent.html
It is painfully familiar to me. Each verse is like a chapter from my own book of my very complex love life in my 20’s. In retrospect, I can see that I hurt people, I was selfish, I agonized, I cried and languished. I ached for loves that were clearly not in my best interest and pushed away men that were good to me for men who could never appreciate me and would only end up breaking my heart. I was impatient, careless and truly relentless in my pursuit for a love that would some how complete me. I was searching for something I would never find in someone else and however unintentional hurtful my actions were, I caused a great deal of grief for more then just me during that time period. Finally, after years of unsatisfying love affairs, I began a journey of self-induced celibacy so I could get my head right and begin a journey of understand and healing, which I cut short only to get involved with this extremely charismatic man and found myself in an even more complex and painful relationship from 28 – 31.

Now, I cannot claim that I have the answers to all my years of searching or feign a stronger understanding of romantic love, but I know a few more things then I did a few years ago and undoubtedly, much more then I did 10 years ago. I know that I have to do what’s right for me and my family first and it’s ok to take my time. I know that you can have an intense chemistry with someone and it doesn’t mean you are meant to fall madly in love OR that you should jump into bed together. I know that my choices and actions have a farther reach then seem immediately apparent in any given situation. I know that lust can be a powerful and confusing experience, but that it does fade and often you are left with nothing else if you act on it prematurely. I know that sex serves an important purpose in romantic love and should not be used in any other fashion then to bond physically with your partner and strengthen intimacy and that anyone who plays those kind of games with me isn’t someone I want to share my body with. I know that how I trust people has changed and that I feel it’s important to be forthcoming and genuine about where you are in your life rather then risk hurt feelings later on because you just couldn’t help yourself. I know that I need to share a spiritual understanding with the man that I share my life with and it’s not just in the theoretical sense, I’m talking in the core-day-to-day stuff. I know that I cannot shrink myself to fit his needs or his idea’s of who I should be because I will burst out of it eventually, even if I wanted to stifle who I am at this point in my life, I simply cannot. I know that I have so much work to do on myself and that I will continue to grow and I need someone in my life who can grow with me and not be intimidated by that. I know that I have a lot of love to give and that not everyone can or will be able to receive it. I know I still have a lot of learning to do and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I am damaged beyond recognition because of the choices I’ve made. I know I could go on (and probably will) go on forever when it comes to this subject, but that I am making progress.

4. When I was 23, my mother and I were still barely speaking to one another. If we did speak, there was the chance that war would erupt at any moment. She said and did some very hurtful and manipulative things. I conceded to her every whim, kept my true feelings at bay and constantly gave her permission to rationalize her behavior. I also started realizing then that she had made life style choices I very strongly disagreed with at the time. I was judgmental and unsympathetic to the fact that she was a human being. I would not put down my own defenses long enough to see that she was really struggling and that she needed a little compassion and not just for me to agree with her. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her, which did neither of us any good.

Today, we are speaking regularly. She had an opportunity to mother me and take care of me this past summer with my leg injury and she did it. Not begrudgingly, she gladly did it and it helped us to begin the process of reuniting us as mother and daughter rather then adversaries. Our relationship will always be complicated, there’s just so much history there that we haven’t worked through and that’s something we are both working on respectively in our own lives. But I have forgiven her for many things and can now see her as a human being. She has started treating me much more like a daughter then her best friend and that has helped to change the dynamic of our communication. I feel positive about our continued growth and expect the bumps to come and go, but it’s a step in the right direction.

5. I weigh a solid 50 + lbs more then I did when I was 23. 2/3rds of that was gained in the last 3 years. It bothers me; I dislike very much being so chunky. I also look significantly older. My hair is short now and I wear glasses full time. Both things I never said I’d do.

6. My tastes in general have ‘matured.’ I listened to such a variety of music genre’s that attempting to classify what “type” of music I listen to now versus then would be unfair to the artists. I just know that I can see what appears to me to be a steady progression in depth. This goes for just about everything when I think of it. Food, make up, how I dress, what I read, what I write, what movies I watch, what art I enjoy. I’ve definitely found the light in my day to day rather then wallowing in darkness, which is so easier and much more fun to pretend you are a tortured artist then actually to be one.

7. Career wise I am more confident and find myself in a position I never even had the reach to dream for at 23. I just wanted to make enough money to get off the system and I did. After that, I sort of floundered for a while and now I’ve landed somewhere that both challenges and rewards me on all levels.

8. I didn’t realize how truly capable I am. I never gave myself enough credit and I took my youth for granted.

9. My friendships and whom I choose to spend time with have changed dramatically. My core group and my family have always been there though, no matter what and its taken time for me to learn how important that is and how not to screw up those relationships.

10. Rather then avoiding being alone at all costs, I have become protective of my solitude and more interested in quality interaction when I do have them with others.

11. I take things less personally.

12. I believe that the world is beautiful and that life is worth living, even on the shitty days.

13. I find myself more confident in general and less dependant on others for emotional support.

14. It is in everyone’s best interest to do the right thing and we all know what the right thing is when faced with a situation. It may not be the easiest or most immediately gratifying route, but down the line, it will make things so much simpler.

15. I no longer believe myself to be invincible and can see that this life does not last forever, so do your best not to blow it while you can.

To name a few *wink**wink**wink*