When Things Click

Do you ever have that experience, where you might be discussing something with someone and you have this moment where something possibly profound clicks in your mind? Like all the mysteries surrounding quantum physics could be solved in an instant, like your close to something bigger than you've ever know before. On the edge of a breakthrough or some remarkable consensus to all your life long burning questions. I experience this regularly when I am communicating with certain humans, reading books, listening to music or being with the water. It's sort of an overwhelming sensation for me sometimes, primarily because I generally don't expect. Perhaps I should learn to acknowledge that my entire being sometimes goes into hyperactivity mode.

Over these past few days I've been programming in a language I haven't used for a while, I've been having the "clicking" experience a lot. More than a lot, I seem in a constant state "click."

For example, I was discussing with my Aunty MB (a notable click-inducer) about how boys take up so much space, in all ways. Teenage boys and young men, they have this energy that is wickedly delicious about them. They can also be so completely consuming it can engulf you in ways you never imagined. I was joking with her about Max and how some days I feel like he fills up the entire house by himself and I am squished into the corner by his enormity and then I realized, she had a ton of teenager brothers. Really, far more than any young girl should have to endure! And we had a good laugh about it and later I thought about Mary and how she too had several brothers, many many. And my Aunty Marcy of course, but she was the teenager so maybe all that testosterone was less inhibiting? I don't know. And my mother, she had 4 younger brothers. The click was being surrounded by men in your youth as a young woman must be a powerful shaping tool, because all the women I know who had more than 2 brothers in their lives have a unique quality about them. Strong outer shells, soft inner perhaps? I'm not sure, I can't really put a label on what that unique quality is because it's different for each of them, but I couldn't help but feel this pull that I might be onto something there. Men and how they shape us as women.

It then occurred to me that every single male relationship I've known for the past x amount of time, has changed drastically in the past year. Max, has grown so much. He's like a whole new person whom I am ever attempting to keep up with and just try to enjoy what I have with him. Bryan moved to DC in May and our contact is minimal, but sweet. I miss him some days more than I can stand, just a nice B hug would be good. I always appreciated his kind directness and unwavering faith that I was such a great chick. Justin and I are not really able to be in connect with one another right now and I am not sure if that will change, but I think it's healthy thing for both of us. For me, I know that's for certain. Dane has been gone forever, but he and I got closer over the summer and he was pretty supportive b/c he loves me, but also because his strong dislike for Chance was far to tempting a motivator to ignore. Now he's working like a mad man again and really, never has much time. Matt is starting a completely new phase in his own life and relationships with friends are always affected during that transition, it's only natural. Really, Howard has been the only mainstay on this level in my life this year, bless his heart. And my grandfathers are pretty great also of course! Consistency, not something I've ever felt with men. Ever.

My realization that these relationships have changed was slow in coming I think (again, I've been pretty damn self absorbed) and I had a moment of pure sadness for what feels like the loss of the men I've always held dear to my heart, as my own brothers of sorts I suppose. There was a time in my life when Bryan and I had dinner regularly, Justin and I talked at least 3 or 4 times a week and Dane would threaten to beat up any creep that might be eyeballing me inappropriately at the club. :)

My eyes got a little moist, I miss them sometimes. I really do. After my eyes dried out and my logical mind came back on board, it occurred to me that this is what happens in families. Kids grown up, get their own lives and drift apart. Certainly all the while I'd absorbed myself with Chance, these men in my life were probably wondering about me as well, though I doubt on such a sentimental level, but caring nonetheless. There may be something to this, cosmically. It seems no coincidence that this would all happen within a fairly short period of time and then I sort of got it. I haven't been able to emotionally engage a single one of them on any kind of real level for a very, very, very long time. That's also what happens in relationships, if your ability to connect dissipates for what ever reason, then the relationships gets sick and eventually, dies. With some, I haven't been able to simply for the fact that it's to painful. For others, it's because there is discord in the friendship and the timing was impeccable I suppose, but the flames had been fanning for sometime for something to blow up. And it did.

What I've been asking myself is if, how and why these relationships are important to me. I question why it takes far less effort in my friendships with men, I generally feel quite comfortable with them on that initial level. But not at all in my romantic relationships. It's all a puzzle really.

Then my entire perspective shifted to the bottom where while I've become mostly estranged from my long time male buddies, the relationships with the women in my life have strengthened ten fold this year. Perhaps it is the undying loyalty and nurturing support, or maybe I'm just incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such a fluid circle of feminine love, strength and empowerment. I am regularly acknowledge on that feminine plain by grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, best friends, cousins and daughters. All these vibrant, capable, intellectual and independent woman whom I've formed powerful bonds with since my own childhood. Half of them aren't even related to me. The other half carries a great physical distance between us, but they sort of connect me to the outer world that I sometimes escapes me and clues me into the bigger picture when I need that grounding. I can literally form a vision in my mind of these women, in a great circle and this great power love that comes from it.

This part of the clicking got pretty detailed, more than I can go into in one sitting. The summation of this experience for me is that maybe I am at a point in my life where I am reconnecting with that feminine aspect of who I am, and nurturing these relationships as they've been meant to be nurtured, but have been neglected for some time? I remember another time in my life, like this. Those were the days of Carin and drumming circles and sweats and things that made me laugh and smile a lot, and cry too, but in good ways. Those were times when I felt more connected with the Universe and God and The Divine Feminine than I could even absorb on an intellectual level, it just was what it was and it wasn't until later that I was able to full recognize it's impact on me. Maybe now I am more experienced and (as much as one silly tree fruit can be) can gauge more accurately the intricate inner workings of what my life experiences have taught me and where I am now and where, it is a good possibility that I might be going.

So many great questions in life, and so many interesting answers and possibilities.

Told you I was clicking away, like some insane dolphin trying to absorb it's new surroundings!