Already?

Max is turning the big 14 on Sunday. It's really too much sometimes, to think of how quickly this life we've created is passing us both by. When he was a baby, I used to daydream about what he'd look like as a young man. I would wonder if that beautiful platinum blonde hair would stay with him through his life and what his laugh would sound like when he grew up. I would do the math to determine our respective ages and milestones. The realization that he would be 14 the year I turned 30 was astonishing, but I really never lingered on this detail because then, it seemed so far away. 30 seemed like an eternity and 14 was almost unimaginable when here he was, just learning to climb at the park and had more then 10 words in his vocabulary.

And now, here it is. It's real. He's closer to being a man than a child and it shows.

Wednesday night we were cooking dinner together and talking (Note: This is usually when we really get into the meat of life together, especially if we are alone because when we are alone he becomes Max again and the bravado subsides) about his day. The way he stood next to me, came up and kissed my cheek and stood beside me, chattering on and munching carrots while I cooked dinner....it was a startling glimpse of him as a man and me as an older woman. It seemed the sort of scenario you'd see any child and Mom in, but this was like...well, I saw him as a man and me still as his Mom when he becomes a man. It was almost physic in nature and while those who know me may think I'd normally be overwhelmed by this, it was extremely soothing and warm and some how affirming that maybe, just maybe this kid is going to be ok.

Then I say to myself....Of course he's going to be "OK"....right?

14 was an extremely traumatic year for me, that summer is when it all happened and my life was changed forever. Again. After that summer, I went into a tail spin downward that I never recovered from. I'm not sure anyone could "recover" from what happened that year. You may overcome, you may heal, but you never forget. The next summer, when I was 15...I met Max's Dad and the rest is history. Those years may have been a pivotal turning point in forming the spirit within me and I never question their validity as I believe those experiences are ultimately what brought Max and I together. But when the memories bubble up, especially of the 2 years or so between my 14th birthday and when Max was born, I feel frozen inside. I become emotionally paralyzed and something that ranges from painful vulnerability to pure rage spews forth. But it's getting better with time, I think.

How this is relevant now? To this topic of this once toddling little powerhouse of energy and big huge lovely blue eyes and a hug that would melt the heart of any ice queen? It's relevant for the following reasons....

Max's life is wide open, he could go in any direction and has a great deal of potential. Like all children (excuse me, young adults), he is but in the first lines of his own book.

14 was a year that markedly changed my entire life. I have some pretty tense fears for Max because of this I think. I KNOW how bad things can get. Of course I don't want that for him. No mother does.

However, it has come to my attention that because my teen years were so extreme, that I am hypersensitive to a potentially similar outcome for Max and I am constantly evaluating our situation in the hopes of helping him to avoid the potential pitfalls of youth that can effect ones entire life.

I cannot punish, judge or crucify him for something he hasn't even done simply because I am terrified that he might end up on the wrong road. Granted, he's made some dumbass maneuvers already...but he's got a fighting chance to have a stellar life, and I must nurture and support that rather than worrying about the "could be's" because my worrying doesn't do anything except plant the seed of negativity and leave it out in the Universe to fester and grow into a potential reality. Think positive right?

Not to mention the fact that Max doesn't need to inherit my dysfunction. It's not his fault I had such a rough time as a kid and he doesn't need to be parented like in some tyrannical fashion to avoid it the same pitfalls that I made.

This isn't about me, this is about him. This is his time to shine, to play football and kiss girls and go to dances and get a drivers license. And hopefully, build some memories along the way that warm his heart as an adult.

And in the mean time, it's my job to consider my own experiences, continue to heal and grow and give this kid every fair shot he's got at life. And that includes sharing what I've learned with him, not living in fear that he'll repeat this cycle. Life will throw him enough challenges, right now he doesn't need to carry the burden of mine. If nothing else, I can teach him how to cope and grow through those challenges.

And really, the best part of all of this is that Max makes it all so easy. In those moments where he does plant a kiss on my cheek for some random reason I'm not aware of, or still does the whole "Mom watch me!" thing, or works hard to study for a test because he just knows he has too....and even when he's being an uber shit and makes me want to pull my hair out, I am so proud of the Man-Child he has quickly become, I'm proud of his heart, his love, his kindness and his boyness. I love that he loves to make people laugh. I love that I get to be part of all of this.

Happy Birthday Max. May 14 bring you muddy days at the bike jumps, crushes on girls, many a soccer goal made, school dances, music that moves you, 8th grade that doesn't suck for you and hopefully, you'll learn a few things about yourself in the midst of all the chaos that is being a teenager.

I love you and some day, you'll know that more than you can right now.