Holy Head Cold Batman

I am staring down this monitor with a very fuzzy head, enormous pressure on my sinuses and strange achiness all over my body. All forms of mental clarity have escaped me and I have only one, repetitive and inviting thought.....sleep. sleep. sleep.

Life is really great and I'm working diligently to keep that in mind as I try to get through this day without dozing off.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nose is starting to drip.

Scratchy throat is turning to achy throat.

In general, I feel like ca-ca. poo poo. ick. yuck.

I fear, it might be a head cold.

The sort that will feel like my head is in a vice, that burns my sinuses and dries my throat. I will wander abut the days in a congested haze, attempting at all costs to avoid the dreaded pseudoephedrine laden decongestants only to submit just so I can breathe and open my eyes all the way. And then I'll be even MORE whacked out because whatever it is that is in those heavy duty decongestant makes me feel like a child of the 60's having a flashback. Which if I HAD been a child of the 60's, I would be grateful for the experience, but since I am NOT, it's just uncomfortable.

I will make Chance insane through the night as I toss and turn, blow my nose and try really hard just to rest long enough to feel like I actually got some sleep instead of cursing the damn head cold for betraying me of my much beloved sleep.

Sidenote: It has been brought to my attention that I have not shared with many people the years in which I suffered fairly severe insomnia. Due to stress and an over active mind most likely. I suppose I never spoke of it much with others because it was something I'd suffered with for years and was mostly a normal part of my life. It got interesting during the more stressful periods of my life (the loss of loved ones, being unemployed, Max being sick, surgery) I envied those that could fall asleep in an instant, almost on command, in any location. Chance can do this. It still irritates me. However, I also haven't slept as good as I have in the past year that Chance and I have been living together - so I can forgive him for having the one super-power I wish I had. But my bottom line is that I sleep good now and for those of you who've ever experienced long periods with very little sleep, it is a blessing that I cannot describe in words.

~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~
~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~

yuck.

Okay then, well....now that I've thoroughly complained and whined and whimpered about something so simple as a common head cold, I'm going to go home and snuggle up in my bed and do a little napping, a little reading and make Chance take care of me when he gets home. That's what this is really all about you know...just making sure that Chance knows JUST how sick I really am so he can come home and take good care of his Mango. wink. wink.

Oh Glorious Day!

Today is a good day (Fav Ice Cube song EVER) even though the ever present drama-demon threatens, I am able to cast it aside without even flinching, nary a thought. Away ye demon, off with you now...buh bye!

I look at this life that I have, this amazing child, I mean he's just incredible. This man whom can see so deeply within me and still loves me so strongly somehow in spite of my oddities and pain. This home I never thought would really happen in a million years. A job where I feel I might settle for a few years and that would be ok, not just ok...it would be pretty good.

For as long as it all lasts, I vow to consciously live within gratitude.

What a strange life this is, how the transition from one level to another can occur within a millisecond. So many of those shifts are unforeseen, but some...like this moment which I find myself more and more each day, these are the shifts that I tentatively may look around and say "I did this. I made this happen." Not because I have some special key or because I have been favored by the Gods, but partly because I've worked so hard. So hard. Struggled. Cried so many big drippy tears that my face seemed permanently streaked for several years. Spent infinite hours considering myself, my family, this universe, love...life, breathing, breathe. Found great strength within myself when there wasn't a single soul in the world who wanted anything to do with the life I was trying to create at that time. Looking externally for so much and realizing that it was all within me, even if it meant I had to suck it up, wipe away the tears and tough it out through the times that WERE really hard; by M.Y.S.E.L.F! I really DID work hard. I gave it 100% and broke my neck and then bruised the hell out of every molecule of my body doing it.

I did it. I achieved. I climbed one more step.

This is not to say that I did not experience enormous influence and guidance or acquire a great many lesson from numerous sources along the way. Max as an influence is quite obvious I am sure, but his very existence breathes life into me and the World. Mary & Howard have been unwavering in their support. The love of Kristen and her family has been crucial, Carin taught me so much I did not know. Could not know. My Aunty MB and my beloved GramE & Grandpa John...their unique lives have encouraged me to be strong and unconditional and open with my love. The talks over the table on Teller, where Crys and I learned we were uniquely different but share the same thought process. And even the friendships that were never destined to be long term in nature or ended poorly, were powerful learning tools about letting go, saying goodbye and forgiveness. And now, Chance. And his Mom. They have brought so much to our lives. So so much.

So, no, I didn't do it alone. But I have worked hard. Damn hard. So damn hard. I am proud of that.

It is only now that I can look at the life around me and have some tangible result of my efforts. As the insanity of previous years winds down, I am anxious about what the future may bring, what experiences life may bestow unto me each day. I sense renewal, a new experience blossoms.

Though I have great pain and fear for our collective World at the moment, I have to trust that Love and Humanity will ultimately reign. We all have to, I believe it is all we have and the more we unite in a positive direction, the more the World may begin to heal and know it as Truth. It's hard not to feel overcome by all the strangeness of this moment in time, but even for all the wars and fighting and rage and intolerance that sometimes fills my view every where I turn, I trust the Love will overcome. Because I can see IT more clearly in my view than the darkness that attempts to pick at IT.

This all may seem very random, but in short, I am just happy. Happy to be alive and live this life. I have fears, they exist...that this all might crumble at any moment, but I can no longer take any stock in that sort of thinking as it's not served me well in the past. I'm just ready. Ready to move on. To grow, to heal, to live, to love.

And perhaps, the reason for all of this? I rolled over this morning to find this on my night stand:

Max had left it for me, it made my whole day. Maybe those Hippies had something after all?

Ya think?

Learning To Fly

I'm in training this week for SQL development, so far a good class. On lunch break now.

Weekend was good, worked on Saturday, had a great talk with my cousin and spent Saturday evening with numerous groups of friends. I've really missed B & his gals, it was nice to have a few moments of one on one with each of them, however fleeting it may be. Matt's lady friend is pretty great and I enjoyed getting to know more about her, I like the way he smiles at her. Great weekend over all:)

Congrats to Miss Crystal on the engagement, wow...freaking cool girl! It's going to be a blast and I'm so happy that Dane was able to make the experience memorable, I told him in IM the other day that you deserve the Princess Treatment and most certainly got it. I'm proud of Dane and incredibley happy for you! YAY:)

Life is good and we are managing to keep it quieter these days, mostly. This coming weekend should be very quiet, it's a weekend for just the 3 of us and I'm looking forward to it very much. This week is going to be sort of odd, so I won't be online much...but off for now.

Much love and toodles.
Peace
Mango Love Nugget

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

We'll miss you Roger (Syd) Barrett (Co-Founder Pink Floyd)

Reports do not indicate when and/or the exact cause of death, but I am saddened by the news as it is painful for a Rock Legend to fall. I believe his influence in music is wide-reaching and I am certain his former band-mates are mourning this loss tremendously. However, it is also widely known that Syd was a pretty tortured and pained individual, perhaps now he can rest and be at ease.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond!
"Come on you raver, you seer of visions, "
"come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

Put On A Happy Face

How does that song go?

"Gray skies are gonna clear up,"
"Put on a happy face;"
"Brush off the clouds and cheer up,"
"Put on a happy face."
Bye Bye Birdie

I've never heard that song all the way through and am sure I've only heard it in movies and the like, but I'm taking it's advice today....

It's been raining in Colorado for several days, but the heat is returning and I am so grateful for the rain we had over the weekend. We needed it so badly and it was nice and cozy, a good way to spend the few short days we are given each week to spend with our families and loved ones. The weekend....it was pretty great, I could use many many more like it. It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that we didn't have something filling it up the entire time. There weren't people at our house all weekend, there weren't excessive chores to be done, nobody had to work and my Little Man came home from the Grandparents in a fairly light and happy mood, for which I am truly greatful.

We met with C's family for Sunday lunch as his Grandfather was in town, what a treat to meet him! Though I was telling Max that Gayle & Chance must get their eyes from Gayle's Mom cuz Robert's (Gayle's Dad) are a brilliant and playful blue. Robert also just turned 70 this year which is like shocking when you meet him, whatever he's done his whole life to be in such great spirits and health, he could probably sell it in a bottle. Chance and I were discussing our hopes that we might be so lucky to have look so great in 40 years! We both agreed that laying of the Mexican food and beer would be a good start ;-)

It was also very sweet of Gayle to treat us all to such a great lunch, we are so broke and a good meal out was desperately needed. We will miss her so much, I worry that C isn't really showing his true feelings about them moving to California. I am heartbroken for one and I know Max is pretty sad too, but we keep rationalizing that California isn't that far away really, if we had to drive it or something it's doable.

I am looking forward to another, somewhat quiet weekend ahead. I hate to wish my life away by speeding through the weeks and longing for the weekends, but I think I am at that point in life where I'm just a bit fried on the whole work thing. I know, I know...I'd better suck it up. I've got what...another 35+ years of working ahead of me. sigh. ok, that's depressing. I love what I do, I love where I work...I just wish I had a bit more free time to be at home with my family. Even if just for a while, Max is growing so fast and I love my home but never have enough time in it.

I am finding myself absolutely exhausted a lot of the time, it's making it hard to get up and do anything but drag my butt to work and maybe get home and do some laundry and cook dinner. It's starting to concern me a bit, when I mentioned it to my doctor his instant response was that I was likely depressed and need Xanax, here Sarah, let me write you a prescription and dope you up like the other 2/3rds of America. No thanks, I am looking into another physician. If I am depressed, I don't want to fix it with a pill...I want to figure out why and get healthy, but mostly I think I am just worn down and often feel like I have very little, if any help because I do have a great deal of responsibility and most of it is not the kind that one can get help with. Except the guys can do things like put the toaster away when they are done with it or wipe up their crumbs or (gasp) actually put their dishes in the dishwasher. But otherwise, it's mostly stuff I have to do anyway. It's just life right?

Suck it up and put on a happy face. That's my motto for the day. It sounds a little bitter doesn't it? Doh...ah well, I don't mean to be. I, like most other working Mom's I know, just want a break...maybe a long term one that doesn't involve living my life in my car and working for a company that may appreciate me to some degree, but I am easily replaceable and therefore a drone. Like on a beach somewhere, sipping fruity drinks and looking absolutely fabulous doing so (cuz I magically lost 30 lbs) with Chance and watching Max frolic in the water.

sigh.

Calgon, take me away!

Not much new....

Here's a pic of Max sneaking up on me while I am cleaning the bathroom, he scared the crap out of me actually, enough to make me laugh pretty hard and then scold him for scaring his Momma Bear......

Not the most flattering, but hey...I'm a working Mom with 2 males that keep me pretty busy and a whole lot going on my crazy head...it's hard to be Goddess Like externally at all times:)

Anyway, not much new to report...life is good, albeit I feel the world has officially gone insane and I am just along for the ride. It's hard too feel positive some days when our bullying has finally caused others to play with their own nuclear toys so openly, there are hunger strikes and I have days where I feel this general sense of dread about the going on's of the world....but a girl's gotta keep her wits about her I suppose, otherwise I'd be brooding a whole lot more than I currently am.

We are off to see "An Inconvenient Truth" this evening and I am eagerly awaiting the return of my not-so-wee Big Man...though I anticipate their will be much attitude upon his return home. Moms' and their sucky rules - jeez! I'm such a horrid woman, really...ask anyone.

Gotta run, looking forward to getting home for a bit of time before CMan gets in and we get ready for another long weekend.

Smoochies Boochies Babies!

Long Weekends.....

....Are never quite long enough are they?

Friday night we wrapped up house cleaning and rested up for Saturday evenings concert. Saturday we were up finishing up some re-organizing we'd started Friday night and ended up working a good portion of the day before we got ready for the show. The house feels more and more like home every day, it's a good place to be:)

Saturday's show was great, The String Cheese Incident is by far one of the best jam bands I've ever seen. What a great vibe, great show and great people.....see my amateur camera phone photo's below:

And of course Chance with the much earned beer in hand while tailgating in the parking lot:


I'm not really sure what to say about the rest of the weekend, we mostly just spent it hanging out with friends. I'm not sure I got the time I was hoping to have with Chance, I was pretty disappointed actually that it didn't worked out as I'd hoped. Hopefully next time we can communicate better about such things. One thing I know for sure is that just as much as communication, forgiveness is a pretty pivotal piece in loving and committing to someone.

I did, however, experience a moment I NEVER thought I'd witness in a million years....


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a bigger event in our house than one might think! While watching movies in my room yesterday afternoon, Pumpkin Cat kept nosing around but not perching in her normal spot by me on the bed because Gaia Cat was snoozing away lazily on the end of the bed and Pumpkin Cat still finds Gaia Cat rather annoying. Pumpkin mewed and purred and did everything to convince me that Gaia Cat should be kicked off the coveted bed spot and Pumpkin could then promptly take over, no fuss, no muss. I think Pumpkin needs to get over it. Gaia didn't even care about Pumpkin trying to get on the bed and was in a Cat Coma (that must be a good place to be because her eyes roll back in her head) and it's always Pumpkin cussing Gaia over some self-declared sense of seniority. So I didn't budge, but did try to coax Pumpkin up on the bed with me in the hopes that these two could finally stand one in another in such close proximity.

Much to my surprise, the coaxing was a success and after a lot of circling and Pumpkin eyeing Gaia carefully out of the corner of her eye while she kneaded my leg and the blanket into a comfortable spot for her sweet old bones, Pumpkin FINALLY laid down and joined Gaia cat in blissful Kitty Nap heaven. sigh.

The fact that I was able to get up and take a picture is even more shocking, neither of them even flinched when I moved off the bed to photograph them there. Has peace finally found our felines at last? Me thinks so:)

Max is still with the Grandparents until Saturday, I miss him terribley and he acts annoyed when I call. Sounds about right I guess for an almost 14-year old.

Ok, back to work...I'm definately not on top of my game this morning and have so much to do, I suppose I'd better get it together and get some work done.

Much love all, hope your long weekend was a good one!