MJ left this morning for Outdoor Lab. For those of you who don't know, this is a rite of passage for Colorado Sixth Graders. He will be at the Mount Evans wilderness lab until Friday afternoon, with 90 of his closest friends learning survival skills, Colorado history, wildlife education, photography, archery...all sorts of wholesome goodness.
The children are separated into several bunk houses, by gender (thank goodness, raging hormones and all!) with a teen team leader and one teacher per bunk. That's 1 adult, 1/2 an adult and 20 something 11/12/13 years old running about. These teachers are braver souls than I, that's for sure.
He will be exhausted each night when he falls into his bunk, they run these kids ragged which I'm sure is mostly so they stay in line and sleep at night while they are up there. I attended Outdoor Lab in my Sixth Grade Year. I will never forget it, it was an excellent experience and one I am sure Max will revel in for years to come. In reflection, it was very much a 'turning point' for me personally. Going from a young girl to onset of being a young women, a time without my mother and no family members to parent me. A time to be with friends and feel like I was kind of 'on my own.'
I am sad today because of this. I am happy for my son, but my heart feels heavy. Probably because of my memories of Outdoor Lab and how it was indeed a pivotal event for me in my own young life. He is growing so quickly. It feels too fast. I feel like I am loosing him already and all in one blink of an eye. I think of all the things I could've done better and how I still have days where I bark at him for no reason or seem to have unrealistic expectations or am just plain impatient.
This reminds me that I do not have much time left with him as a child He certainly is no longer a little boy and much more the beginning stages of a man. I must use this time wisely, for both of us. I must remember each moment will not occur again, that his sweet face will grow more broad and will require a razor at some point. His trusting and loving eyes will be filled with angst and questions that I cannot answer for him, that only he can answer for himself. That there are some things I cannot protect him from, no matter how I wish that weren't so.
*sigh*
It does not help this this morning started out a little off color and I did not handle it very well. I wanted so badly to send him on his way in a very calm and loving manner and boom - you mix a misplaced set of keys, a long and exhausting weekend, running late and trying to get all his stuff in the car and make sure it's all there before he goes and you've got a slightly frazzled mother and a very anxious 12 year old boy. Poor little guy. I'm sorry, Max for what it's worth.
Then we get to the school and there are children milling around with excitement and getting ready to go and I'm waiting there with him to put him on the bus. I've forgotten that I am not longer the 'cool' Mom and not really allowed to be affectionate with him in public (i.e....his peer group) and wanted to give him a kiss and a hug and he pretty much resisted that idea. When I did go to hug him goodbye, he instantly stiffened up and seemed like he couldn't wait to get away from me. I felt a little put off and hurt, I know it's silly, he's a kid, they act like this. But he's going to be gone for a week and with the morning we'd had, I wanted to hug and kiss him until the moment he got on the bus.
So, I am feeling a little down today I guess. I've managed to upset, irritate, hurt or in some way screw up my interactions this morning with my most beloved men. I'm not perfect, I'm sorry, I'm just not.
The good news is that I finally got a project wrapped up at work, my first big one...finally OK'd by my supervisor. That's good right?
1 comment:
Most definately, what you say is very much where my heart is. I love the idea of him growing and evolving into the person he's going to be, it is absolutely thrilling.
I think for me it's more of feeling I could have done/could be doing better and that hurts me more than the idea that he's growing up so quickly. Although that part is hard too, like you said....he's my baby right?
*sigh*
Our relationship is changing, we are both growing in different ways and quickly it seems. I am one of those people that takes time to adjust sometimes, I'll get there...however begrudgingly ;-)
Thanks P, I always enjoy your perspective.
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