Springtime Meets GreenMan

Should our nimble internal Crone become increasingly nervous?
Of outrighlty bold behavior of being deceitful and frivolous
No concern with lives of the Veiled or a First Born
Not an anxiety or fear seems to exist of immaterial scorn

And what of the divine spirit of all life?
Being crushed and extinguished with strife
It overwhelms and spills out in dismal streaks
Tears of grief flowing down our mother Gaia's cheeks

Perhaps it is the in between time of our communal travel?
The medium in which time and perceived realities unravel
Wrought with hostilities and intangible ambiguity
Lacking common respect or any notion of responsibility

And yet so clearly an opportunity for renewal and growth
A sacred cycle of demise and creation primed to spout forth
Like Springtime meets the GreenMan and balance is restored
Free to cultivate hope and sprout into flights unexplored

Love Out To The D-Man

The first time I met Dane was at The Deadbeat Club. Big surprise there, eh? I remember it *pretty* clearly, I was out on a girls night with a few friends of mine. Drinking, having way too much fun for my britches when to my surprise as I was heading to the Little Girls Room, there appears a much beloved Randall Turner who I'd not seen for too many moons at that point. I was so happy to see Randall, he gave me a big bear hug and insisted that I meet his friend Dane. When I saw Dane, first thing I thought was that he was mighty damn tall and *gasp* look at that beautiful hair! Dane bought a round of shots (I liked him already!) and actually danced with me. I was pleased to have met a man that could actually dance well ;-) Dane and Randall came back over to my place with the rest of the girls and we partied until wee hours of the morning...and then I didn't see him for quite some time after that.

Randall and I kept in better touch after that night and he inevitable said 'You MUST meet my friends Crystal & Peck!' Crys and I met and became instant friends, but did not get real close for a few months...there were many difficult events occurring in both of our lives, but mostly in hers and I felt it necessary to be 'there' but give her lots of space and flexibility. And then....we were able to spend more time together and after a time there appeared sweet Dane again and I was thrilled, because I thought of him as a sweet heart, based on my first impressions.

The rest is history as they say, yes! Many a fuzzy night spent out at the clubs, drinking and dancing. Walden, Halloweens (dude!), Thanksgivings, Bdays...allot of memories. Can you believe it's been something like 4 years now? Wowsers!

And in all of if, Dane has continued to stand tall ;-) And I don't just mean physically. My respect for Dane is far reaching, I find him to be a gentle and kind man...I love the way he loves one of my favorite girls ever. In my own selfish times of need, Dane has been a warm, consoling and trusted shoulder to cry on. And when I have shed the tears, he has always put his arms around me and comforted me in anyway he could. No matter whether he agreed or not...he has always been there if I needed him, in spite of any frustration he may have had with me or whatever the pending situation in which my tears may have resulted from. I know that if I call on him, he would be there.

I am not the only one either, I've seen him go to bat for more than just this female. He is protective of his 'girls' for certain. The closest I've ever seen him come to violence has only been as a result in coming to the defense of one of us crazy girls, even if we were out of line ;-)

And of course, we cannot forget the times he has spent with my son. Max adores Dane, truly...and I think Dane can understand Max in a way that I've not always known how. Luckily, Dane has given me some insights on being raised by a single mother and I have found them beneficial. Frankly, I've found that some of THE most wonderful men I've known have been raised by single mother's. I hate to make that sort of broad sweeping statement, but it is true from what I can see.

I can keep spouting out about how wonderful D is, but anyone who knows him aready knows that and he bottom line for me is that while Dane and I have certainly encountered trials in our friendship, I feel that we have a loving bond between us that has remained in spite (or perhaps becuase of?) of our differences and I am grateful for that. I know he will missed, not only by Max and I...but everyone in Colorado.

Best of luck to you D, I am so proud of you and I know you are going to do so great! We'll see ya sometime soon and remember you are loved as you are out there exploring the world:)

I am Yetti Hear Me Roar!

I've decided to make a list of words that make me giggle....in honor of Paula, I will start with Yetti!

Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti!

Somebody's Gettin' On My Nerves...

Now somebody's gettin' on my nerves, and I'm wrecked to get crazy
It never fails to amaze me
How people never miss a possip and just believe the gossip
Instead of finding out the truth of what's up
It's got my nostrils flairin'
I'd be a fool if I believe half of the dumb shit I be hearing....

----Forget that you're a lady, and give 'em what they deserve

Salt & Peppa
Very Necessary

****************************************************************

Last night C and I were recovering from a long and difficult day for both of us. Just kicking back, organizing music files, drinking some wine just hanging out, no harm, no foul.

The phone rings at 10:30 pm. Oh crap, that is usually NOT a good thing. It's my landlady, someone called to complain about the 'noise'. Excuse me? The NOISE?

I've lived at my apartment for 6 full years now and have never had a complaint, ever, not even once. I've had people over at all hours of the night, music bumpin' and having fun...but have never been disrespectful or had anything too crazy going on. WTF? My landlady even said 'Sarah, I've never had a problem with you.' And I told her I didn't know what was going on and of course apologized becuase it is crappy that she's got to deal with this sort of thing at all.

Argh, grr and all that. I am pissed. I then got all onery and C had to calm me down, I knew EXACTLY who had called her and I was going to go let them have it, that is such crap. You don't need to act like an ass and go and call my landlady. Why not simply knock on the door and ask me to turn the music down? Or leave it alone until the next day and leave me a note or come talk to me then? I can understand if you ask someone repeatedly and still have a problem, THEN you might call the landlady...but I've never even talked to these people. Some f*cking nerve, oooooohhhh, I'm still pissed. I was a little buzzed last night, so it's a good thing C was there to keep me in line, otherwise I'm might've done something to escalate the situation. I was all yelling through my closet at them, what a dork I am!

*blush*

Anyway, I understand their frustrations about the music. It may have been a little loud, but just suck it up and have some class why don't ya? How hard is it to go to your neighbor and say 'Howdy neighbor, can I getchya to turn that down a notch?' or 'Hey, I noticed your bass is thumping my headboard, maybe you could turn it down?' or even 'I'm trying to sleep, now be a good little neighbor and turn that shit down!' any of that would've been better then them bringing my landlady into it.

And let's not EVEN start on all the crap I've put up w/ while living there. We've had some real charachters in that place, but I've never complained about something as silly as the music being up too loud, I've never complained at all. It wasn't even that late! I can understand at 2 AM, sure...but it was like 10 PM....not that late and it wasn't THAT loud! Jeesh, the two guys that lived there before had all sorts of parties and people in and out and who knows what else going on over there, but never had a problem with them, they were good kids and they respected Max and I, in fact I always got the feeling that they were kinda trying to keep an eye on us.

I dunno, maybe I'm trying to justify my actions, but I still think they over reacted and I'm pretty irritated.

Had a bad day...

MJ left this morning for Outdoor Lab. For those of you who don't know, this is a rite of passage for Colorado Sixth Graders. He will be at the Mount Evans wilderness lab until Friday afternoon, with 90 of his closest friends learning survival skills, Colorado history, wildlife education, photography, archery...all sorts of wholesome goodness.

The children are separated into several bunk houses, by gender (thank goodness, raging hormones and all!) with a teen team leader and one teacher per bunk. That's 1 adult, 1/2 an adult and 20 something 11/12/13 years old running about. These teachers are braver souls than I, that's for sure.

He will be exhausted each night when he falls into his bunk, they run these kids ragged which I'm sure is mostly so they stay in line and sleep at night while they are up there. I attended Outdoor Lab in my Sixth Grade Year. I will never forget it, it was an excellent experience and one I am sure Max will revel in for years to come. In reflection, it was very much a 'turning point' for me personally. Going from a young girl to onset of being a young women, a time without my mother and no family members to parent me. A time to be with friends and feel like I was kind of 'on my own.'

I am sad today because of this. I am happy for my son, but my heart feels heavy. Probably because of my memories of Outdoor Lab and how it was indeed a pivotal event for me in my own young life. He is growing so quickly. It feels too fast. I feel like I am loosing him already and all in one blink of an eye. I think of all the things I could've done better and how I still have days where I bark at him for no reason or seem to have unrealistic expectations or am just plain impatient.

This reminds me that I do not have much time left with him as a child He certainly is no longer a little boy and much more the beginning stages of a man. I must use this time wisely, for both of us. I must remember each moment will not occur again, that his sweet face will grow more broad and will require a razor at some point. His trusting and loving eyes will be filled with angst and questions that I cannot answer for him, that only he can answer for himself. That there are some things I cannot protect him from, no matter how I wish that weren't so.

*sigh*

It does not help this this morning started out a little off color and I did not handle it very well. I wanted so badly to send him on his way in a very calm and loving manner and boom - you mix a misplaced set of keys, a long and exhausting weekend, running late and trying to get all his stuff in the car and make sure it's all there before he goes and you've got a slightly frazzled mother and a very anxious 12 year old boy. Poor little guy. I'm sorry, Max for what it's worth.

Then we get to the school and there are children milling around with excitement and getting ready to go and I'm waiting there with him to put him on the bus. I've forgotten that I am not longer the 'cool' Mom and not really allowed to be affectionate with him in public (i.e....his peer group) and wanted to give him a kiss and a hug and he pretty much resisted that idea. When I did go to hug him goodbye, he instantly stiffened up and seemed like he couldn't wait to get away from me. I felt a little put off and hurt, I know it's silly, he's a kid, they act like this. But he's going to be gone for a week and with the morning we'd had, I wanted to hug and kiss him until the moment he got on the bus.

So, I am feeling a little down today I guess. I've managed to upset, irritate, hurt or in some way screw up my interactions this morning with my most beloved men. I'm not perfect, I'm sorry, I'm just not.

The good news is that I finally got a project wrapped up at work, my first big one...finally OK'd by my supervisor. That's good right?

What The Hell Is Wrong With People?

I'm sorry, I have to rant for just one second. If I hear one more account of white, middle aged, right wing conservative MEN stepping all over legislation designed to empower WOMEN with something as simple as choice, I am going to loose it.

Case in point, Bill Owen's veto of House Bill 1042 which from what I understand is/was designed to mandate that ALL hospitals, even faith based owned & operated, to offer information and referral on how a women can access emergency contraception, specifically after a rape.

If a women is in the emergency room, completely traumatized, suffering the humiliation of a rape exam...what is so f*cking wrong with informing her of her options? That she may have the ability to prevent a pregnancy resulting from her rape?

A rape that will no doubt haunt her on some level for the remainder of her physical life (and I wonder if it leaves an imprint on your spirit in some manner and what that means after our physical body has died, but that's another topic) and that will no doubt have changed the very core of who she is...this guy is making the decision FOR HER....to deny her access to information that could be critical?

What the hell is wrong with people?

That Is A Really Good Point...

My GramE (Grandmother on Dad's side in my beloved Pacific Northwest) called me Sunday while it was blizzarding here in Colorado. I laughed when she said 'Well, honey, I saw the weather and this means you are probably at home and I just had to give it a shot.' She likes to tease me about how busy I am and how she has to hunt me down sometimes.

It was a wonderful vocal visit and I felt my normal rosy glow after talking with her, what a kind and beautiful soul. I've never known anyone like her before and know that I never will.

We were discussing this and that and catching up and she asked about my new job. I said, 'I'm adjusting to life NOT being so crazy every day that I want to pull my hair out. ' That's a pretty sad answer I guess, we do get used to insanity don't we?

I am so used to people screaming at me every day and dealing with crisis that now that I am not surrounded by that madness, I find myself kind of looking around me and blinking big *blink* *blinks*...like, wow...is this real?

It's almost to good to be true. Great job, wonderful kid, I am loved and nurtured beyond belief...food, water, half a brain in my head, place to sleep...what a deal!

Then my GramE said, 'Honey, remember...this too shall pass' and I thought wow, that is a really good point. Understand that this women has got to be one of THE least negative individuals I know, so it wasn't as if she was attempting to bring me down or in any way poo poo on my parade. She was simply pointing out a very realistic and true reality of human life.

There are great peaks and valleys in each of our lives. We face periods of grief and pain and difficulty and equally ones of great joy, pleasure and ease. At every turn, presented with opportunities AND challenges and we have the choice to embrace each with enthusiasm and strength or stumble through and reach levels of detrimental stress.

Each moment passes by us quicker than the one before and regardless of the content of that moment, it is up to live it to it's fullest potential, because this too...shall pass.

Wise words from a wise women, I love you GramE.

Big fat squishy tears...

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
~ Kahlil Gibran-The Prophet

Using a phrase like "I will miss you" doesn't do my emotions justice because they range from pure and total joy for you both and huge drippy selfish tears that keep burning my eyes. But the fact remains that I WILL miss you both, terribly. We have been through allot, have we not? Ranging from some pretty rough times to some of the most carefree and warm moments of my life time.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me and my son. Thank you for every night we fell down laughing our asses off or sat on the front step in deep discussion. Thank you for bringing Chance into my life, he has brightened it considerably. Thank you for every time you took care of me and allowed me to act like a silly teenager, let me...let loose and know that I was safe. Thank you for going many miles out of your way to come to my home and hang out. Thank you for your words and ever open arms. Thank you for listening. Thank you for dancing with me. Thank you for being in our lives.

I wish you both the best of luck and do not forget the blonde ones will be out to visit, you couldn't have chose a better location!!!!!!

Another Day...

Another day in which I am blessed with the graces of you
Another day in which I tremble with experiences anew

Many days before dismissed, only the ones I do not miss
Many days before but a simple annoyance compared to this

Tomorrow not so much the focus as it may seem
Tomorrow not so much the light from where I might beam

It is in this moment where this dawn may exist
It is in this moment where it is lucid and I cannot resist

If it were just one more second we are fortunate and love we emit
If it were just one more second, I wouldn't hesitate one single bit