35

Who knew I’d even make it this far? The specters from my teens would probably tell you it’s really only by accident that I survived at all, the manic moods of my 20’s would tell you that it’s a miracle I’ve learned to sing songs that don’t involve the long blue pining away hopelessly after unobtainable loves and grieving morosely about all I didn’t have or know as a child, and my early 30’s would tell you that it was just around that I started to feel a bit more like someone I could relate to when I looked into the mirror, even though I was a goddamned mess in those early years. I might have been a mess and screwed my (and my son’s) life up righteously, but I was doing so authentically at least because one is quite raw in the throws of a mid-life crisis. Which I finally realized is exactly how you learn about who you really are, which is sometimes a frightening experience.

Here I am though, somewhat worse for wear. My health isn’t in the greatest condition (more abnormal tests, this time “women” related. Gawwh, that’s the LAST time I get an annual physical - KIDDING) and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s my own doing. Not intentionally of course, but lifestyle and the stress of recent years have taken their toll and now it’s time to pay the bill. Let’s cross our fingers and hope it can all be managed, with minimal discomfort at least.

That bothersome physical stuff aside, what I wonder is what do the next 5 years of life have in store for me before another big birthday – the big 40? Let’s make it a good stretch shall we? I’ve learned not to plan for anything and expect everything and to try and not be disappointed OR cocky about a given circumstance because life always has a sooprize in store for you, and you probably won’t see it coming. Even if you try to control everything, it’s still waiting around the corner. So why try? It’s exhausting. It might just be more exciting to roll with it on it’s own terms anyway and remain content and grateful, ever think of that? I have, but old habits die hard. I’m getting there.

I have some things I’d like to experience. Reconcilliation with Pam would be nice. I’m not going to undercut or go to great lengths to sacrifice myself in the process of attempting to do so either. I am open and willing, in time. I’d really like to do a little traveling and see more of my family and friends who live out of state. Lose some weight. Spend as much time as with Max as possible. Maybe I'll get married and run off to some other country? HA, that would be nice. The other country part *giggle*! Get the health back on track (which in spite of recent events, I feel is possible) and maybe, if I am really lucky, find my next calling in life? I don’t feel lost so much right now as I feel the winds are hinting at redirection, which they do from time to time.

We’ll see I suppose, something in me feels excited for another phase in my life. I can tell you I don’t feel 35 at all. Somehow, I doubt I will feel 40 or 45 or 50 when/if I get there either because we are all children in side. Let’s hope huh?

CHEERS TO ANOTHER YEAR!

Nobody Panic

It’s my fault, so nobody panic. Actually, it’s no one’s fault really, it’s more that I just haven’t been able to focus on it until now. Or, that it hasn’t become such an issue until now? Last year it was the tonsils. This year, it’s going to be the kidneys me thinks. Sometimes me thinks I’m mental and a total hypocondriach, it’s hard to dissect. There are considerable health issues that require attention within my own little microcosm of genetics and as much as I’d like to say it ain’t so, it is and as much as I’d like to pretend it ain’t happening, it is. So, here’s the detail, in short and as I understand it.

My recent physical indicates an increase in kidney function, high for even someone with Alports Syndrome. My most recent renal ultra-sound shows that the size and shape of my left kidney has change since the last time I had one (like 10 years ago, not such a big surprise) but it’s also something that is monitored for Alports. It is nothing to get freaked out about right now, my kidneys are still functioning, we aren’t talking dialysis or anything (yet) but it is somewhat cause for alarm because it’s a significant jump since last year and, it is common for the disease to begin progressing around my age. Though, 85% of the time, the progression is in men. Women generally only present 10-15% of the time with anything other than high protein and blood in the urine for the duration of their lifetime. I, however, do have the high blood pressure, cholestoleral, visual and hearing issues in addition to the higher kidney function levels, so…it’s possible I am part of that 10-15% of women who have Alports who may actually experience significant progression. What does this mean? It means my kidneys may gradually (or quickly) stop working, which will require dialysis and eventually transplant. It’s really that simple. The problem is, there is no real way to stop the progression once it is in motion. They can manage my blood pressure and some other things which will help, but the main way to stop it is to lose weight and take uber uber good care of myself. Dammit, I knew these extra lbs were really going to be a problem at some point. Frack.

So, there will be more monitoring, lab work and ultra sounds and office visits where I’ll be lectured about losing weight, getting active and watching my water, caffeine, alcohol and sugar intake. From here on, all we can do it monitor and hope for the best. Sigh…I guess I can do my part too. Though, it is irritating as ALL get out because there’s no real proof that watching all these things carefully and losing a bunch of weight is going to have any real affect at all. It’s sort of one of those “it is what it is” things, but on the flip side, I hardly have any reason not to right? I’m just cranky b/c it means I have to change up my routines a little – poo on that, I’m a creature of habits and rituals my friends and all of my “vices” are included in them, so tghghgbhtttttttttt! Is it terrible that I’m more cranky about the idea of having to give up my Friday night cocktails, coffee and sugar than I am about the thought of what it might do to my health if I do not? What a tangled web we weave indeed.

In the mean time, I also developed a kidney stone (related to the excess proteins) and let me tell you my friends, that is not something I wish to experience again. Promptly followed by a migraine (from the stress and exhaustion of the previous 2 days I’m sure) so I was off work for 2 days. Big big fun. I’d like to note here that for the “average” person, if you wish to avoid kidney stones…drink your water! NO COMPLAINING, just do it. I would rank passing a kidney stone up there with child birth and broken legs, and it was teeny tiny one so…yeah, just drink your water.

The past week of pondering all the implications and resulting discomfort from this new information has been stressful, but I’m managing. I cannot control it and I’m not doing myself any favors by agonizing over it. Of course, you must remember I’ve been dealing with this possibility since I was a young girl and we don’t really know what it means yet, just that we need to start keeping a closer eye on things and as I know more, I’ll let you know more. The first few days my mind did spin out of control, going directly to the most negative possible outcome and panicking and then, panicking about Max because this really causes me to consider him and how this disease will more than likely affect him as well before he’s 40. Again, there is little I can do but share with him the situation. I have offered to pay for him to see a kidney doctor in Casper, he just ignores me. *rolls eyes* STUPID MOMS! What do they know? Friggen kid. It’s like talking to turtle who thinks his shell is totally invincible. For a time, it surely is sturdy and strong, but given the proper circumstances, even a tough turtle shell can become vulnerable. Often, through no fault of the turtle’s at all and no matter what the turtle thinks in his little turtle brain, if he’s not keeping an eye on how strong his shell is, it could suddenly just fail on him and his little wiggly underbody will be totally exposed and vulnerable and needing a lot of support to stay safe. Friggen turtles.

More soon my lovely readers, and you are…lovely I mean. No worries, just prayer and love us like you always have and always do. How blessed are we?

Grumpapatamous

I am a giant grumpapatamous….hear me RAWR. Soooo skerrry, I know. I am utterly terrifying, just ask my minions (puggies.)

No really, I am a raging crab-ass at the moment. I basically feel as if I am in prison for my 8+ hours each day and it’s wearing a little thin. The environment now resembles a police state, everything is monitored and everyone is being scrutinized in detail. In return, some of us are behaving like rebellious arbitrarily defiant teenagers because we aren’t used to being treated like kindergartners. It makes me sad to think that this is the state of corporate America these days and that, I am now one of “them.” It never felt that way here before, just in the past 8 months or so. This is how it is though, that’s the reality. Fakey, fake fake FAKE! I feel no one can be trusted (except one individual) and all relationships are strained, the team has disintegrated into a free for all, every man for himself type of mentality and the irony is that we are all working harder then every and under more and more pressure every day, yet it often feels as if we are spinning in circles and end up being our own worst enemies.

I am reading a valuable book suggested by my oh so wise in the literature department (and other departments as well obviously) about working with your manager’s management style. I hope it helps. Mostly right now, it’s just fun to read on my iPad. Which, besides my puggies and basically every other thing outside of my 7 AM – 4 PM, makes me extremely happy!

On that note, we are celebrating D’s bday this weekend with his sister and some friends. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping my mood perks up, I am super low on energy as well. I am also acknowledging that perhaps some of my disdain is also the “coming down” period after all the excitement that comes from the holidays. Life is back to “normal” – ho hum – hum drum. Jeez, what a whiner I am!

One thing I know for sure is that I’d better find a way to manage this situation with a smile on my face and learn to leave it at work, or else I’m going to end up acting out or doing or saying something I regret later. I’m far too mature and professional to do something hasty, besides, I like being able to pay the bills you know. Still, it does seem I must find a different method because the current isn’t working.

RAWR.

It’s complicated!

I have a friend who is in the midst of a custody/visitation dispute that is all too familiar to this gal. It is, almost identical in nature to that of my own with my son and his biological father. It’s so similar in fact, that I can’t help but feel that this person and I are in each other’s lives to support one another through these types of things for a reason.

He’s been such a support to me in regards to my own baby daddy drama and given me great insights on the thought process of a teen age boy of a single mom as his mom was a single mother of 3 children for the duration of his childhood - brave woman! I honestly am not sure where I’d be now emotionally on the subject with out his valuable and most appreciated support.

Now, here we are, 15 months later, facing what I suspected all along would come along some day as it is the natural progression in these situations. Boy wants more interaction with father, father wants more interaction with boy, and mother is hesitant and controlling. Sound familiar? Scarily so. Mother and father in this scenario had a terribly ugly divorce, on all levels, including financially. Everyone got screwed in the situation and of course, everyone involved feels wronged in some fundamentally deep way.

It is ironic that I can now empathize with both the father and the mother in this situation. She says and does all the same things I did, motivated by protecting her bear cub. I gather that she’s grown considerably since the divorce (as 10+ years will do to a person) and only wants what is best for the kiddo. My friend constantly questions her motives (naturally, as they don’t even know each other any more) and is most certainly on the defensive. Meanwhile, boy child is in limbo while mom and dad hash it out. Good times for everyone involved. Blech.

Thankfully, I also know that my friend is a wonderfully solid and loving person. He isn’t the person she knew 10 years ago either. Certainly more stable and experienced and most definitely more disconnected from the situation between the two of them and more focused on his relationship with his son. He’s been doing his best to keep the communication open, but I know it’s been met with a lot of resistance until now. Because now, man child wants to get to know his papa more and mom is left with no choice but to give the situation a chance and see where it goes from there. All the while trying to manager her own fears. How I know difficult this is, it’s some of the most challenging situations I think life can throw at us.

This situation isn’t exactly as it was in my own in the sense that there aren’t safety issues involved here, there was never any abuse or 10 years or more at a time with zero contact and/or no child support agreements. But I can see that it doesn’t make the pain or sensitive nature of the situation any less intense. There is so much history here; so much residual hurt that it is clear that everyone involved is on edge regarding the subject.

I wish I could wave my magic wand and instill the knowledge in all parties involved that some how, it is very likely that everything will work out ok in the long run, but not without a certain degree of growing pains and agony so get ready because it’s not easy at all, but SOOOO worth it! Kids need to know where they come from, whether you agree with how things are or not, it is what it is and denying them that gets nobody anywhere. Not anywhere good anyway.

Wish him (us) luck.

2011 Goals!

I am reluctant to label this post in any way as a New Year’s Resolutions, though I suppose that’s what it most closely resembles. It is true that the New Year marks a period of reflection and retrospective insight. But for me, I’m not sure that it is any more or any less than say Max’s birthday (BIG one for me) or my own birthday or any random Sunday morning while I’m brewing my coffee for the morning, watching the squirrels in my backyard ravenously searching the yard for some glimmer of a snack that wasn’t there the night before.

I do know, however, that these are items I’ve been procrastinating for some reason or another for some time now and I feel more able and energized to address them and why not use the New Year as starting point? It’s a perfectly legitimate excuse in my book and perhaps, a fine motivator as well?

1) Organize My Life
This may seem utterly monotonous (and it is for me, I can’t even tell you) but it is absolutely necessary. Partly due to the fact that I will be officially cohabitating with another adult in less than 30 days, partly due to the fact that my living space feels a little like a tornado hit it at one point and was sort of haphazardly thrown back together and partly because I’ve just been lazy about such things and it makes my Type A cringe.

a) Sort and determine what items can be set aside for yard sale in July 2011. This includes cleaning out all closets, dressers, drawers., boxes in storage….etc and clearing out the stuff that isn’t being used! Just get rid of it!
b) Establish a solid filing system (shoving everything in a drawer DOES NOT COUNT!)
c) Work on getting into a routine that incorporates my goals for healthy cooking, exercise, hobbies, fun AND downtime.
d) Get the 1,000’s of physical photographs I have of Max, friends, family, my dad, etc….in digital form.
e) Get the 1,000’s of digital images (in addition to d above) cataloged and published.
f) Get all cd’s migrated to digital copy and cataloged.
g) Get all digital music cataloged.
h) Get all address and contact information in one central location.
i) Back up all data and files regularly to external hard drive.


2) Health & Healing
This goes without saying I suppose, but I know I have to stay conscious about these aspects of the many types of health (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental) or it falls by the wayside as I am easily distracted. This includes, but is not limited to:

a) Enjoyable physical activity 3- 5 times per week (this does not include cleaning the house!) this needs to include the puggies at least a few times a week as well, they really need exercise!
b) Dental care is a priority this year (I haven’t been able to afford it and it’s becoming increasingly necessary)
c) Focus on healthy food choices and portion control, but I refuse to diet any longer. Dieting is not living. I have a much healthier relationship with food when I’m not obsessed with every calorie, fat gram and carb that I’m putting in my mouth. When I am less obsessed, I don’t punish myself for “messing up” and feel driven to binge. I like ice cream and I’m going to eat it sometimes. I like cheese and chocolate and peanut butter, I’m going to eat it sometimes too. I like sushi and every kind of vegetable and fruit that exists and I will eat that as much as is possibly available to me. I’m tired of trying to trick my brain into thinking it’s full on foods that don’t satiate but are deemed “healthy” by the dieting community. My goal is to return to eating in the most organic sense of the word, eat when I’m hungry and eat the foods that are the best suited for my needs, which include treats now and again.
d) Staying conscious indulgences and over-indulgences (sugars, alcohol, caffeine, the occasional cigar, etc….)
e) Continuing to focus on herbal assistance regarding mood and mental health, as well as daily multivitamin and probably should begin incorporating a calcium supplement since I’m going to be 35 soon and that’s when bone loss supposedly begins.
f) Incorporate regular meditation and deep breathing exercises.
g) Incorporate time with nature regularly.
h) Remain grateful and conscious.
i) Get Puggies/Kittehs to vet regularly (Bailey needs her teeth cleaned ASAP)
j) Pamper myself from time to time (pedicures, manicures, getting my hair did, new shoes/clothes, etc…)
k) Continue to focus on immune system improvements.

3) Hobbies
a) I really love to write, it is my passion and I must embrace it. Find a creative writing class!
b) Blog & Journaling.
c) Dance class: Belly, Zumba, African Beats.
d) Possibly something crafty, like knitting or crocheting.

4) Communications and Travel
a) Maintain better communications with friends and family from afar.
b) At least one visit out of state to see family.

5) Work Related
a) C# class (online or physical) & books
b) ASP.Net class (online or physical) & books
c) Software development best practices and guidelines research/documentation
d) Continue to build on SQL skills
e) Vacation one week in July, November, December 2011!

6) Financial
a) Save money each pay check.
b) Make larger payments on car/credit cards to pay off sooner.
c) Set aside funds for a bit of pampering from time to time.



This feels like a good start. I am going to book mark this entry and reference (and edit) as needed when I need a good reminder of what my priorities for myself are. I tend to get lost in what everyone else needs from me. Balancing giving and loving with remaining conscious of what my own needs and goals are going to be a priority for me this year. I’m looking forward to it!

Happy New Year!

Sarah's 2010 Year In Review

Shew, is this time again already? Every year the Holidays sneak up on me faster and faster and I find myself each year being less and less surprised by this. It really is true that life seems to pass you by in a flash (or is that we just start paying more attention to the quality of moments as we age?) and time seems to move a little quicker every day, week, month and year that goes by.

For me, it has been a year of transitions, challenges, rewards and much needed and appreciated relief. Max has been in Casper well over a year now and I can tell you, it’s taken me this long to acclimate. I have to say though, in retrospect, I believe it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. I miss him every day, I fret over his future, I wonder if he’s eating enough and taking good care of himself. I guess that is never going to go away? That said, the relationship that is blossoming between us is more than I could have ever hoped for. He seems to have gained significant insights within the past 16 months (as have I), as I suppose getting out into the world and on your own can do to a person. Max has experienced a lot more “real life” in the past year and I can tell it’s aged him in all the good ways. He has his own apartment, vehicle and job to maintain on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish he’d had a little more of being a “kid” to enjoy. How I’d hoped he would have more of a traditional high school/college experience. We all want that for our own kids, to hope that they have more opportunities and less life stress. I am learning quickly that a person’s future can hold many forms. Formal education is not for everyone. Though, deep down I’d be thrilled if Max returned to education sooner rather than later, I am learning to trust him and that his path is his own and what he needs from me is for me to be in his corner. And I am. He makes it easy. He’s doing well for himself and while I would have liked things to not be quite so “real” for him at the tender age of 18, I see him trudging his way through it and learning and coping well and making pretty good decisions over all. What the future holds for him I am not entirely sure, he’s a young man trying different things to see what works for him. I can’t fault him for trying on all his different “selves” – it is part of the process, but I surely do appreciate how much closer we seem to have gotten as a result of the changes and a little distance. I am thrilled that I am the first person he calls if he has a question about some random thing or just needs me to listen. He’s clear that he can call on me if he needs something, that I may not be able to fix it, but that I am there no matter what. And when he’s “home” with mom, he hugs me like he means it and I get all the juicy details about day to day life. It’s good stuff. What else can a momma bear ask for?




In baby news, babies have been in abundance this year! My sister Rose, had her first son and made me the proud Aunty of little Clark William McKinney on Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 11:18 a.m. weighing 6 lbs, 9 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He is like the COOLEST most awesomely blond haired little toe head yet (of course besides Max) and am really impressed by what great parents Rose and Michael are to their wee tot. My dear friend Becky had her youngest just a few short weeks ago in mid December and he’s an absolute doll. I love her whole family and am so pleased to have her back in Colorado! My best friend Kirsten’s family brought home their first baby in 17+ years the week of Thanksgiving 2010, little Lily. So sweet, looks just like her daddy. I love all these babies, they are so warm and snuggly and a very gentle reminder of the beauty of youth and life.

I bought a new car in the spring of 2010. As many of you know, I am fan of the automobile and am enjoying my new Subaru to the utmost. Wish it would SNOW in the Denver Area so I could enjoy it, dammit! Next, a new sound system will be installed as I plan on driving this Subie for a while and momma needs her beats!

Another new addition to the family this year was Bella, a faun female pug. As many of you may remember, Bailey (black female pug) came home with me in March 2009. Bella came home in late June 2010 at almost exactly 2 months old. She is now closing in on 8 months old and she is a HANDFULL! It is, as they say, like having a toddler in the house X 2. Bailey is uber maternal with Bella and teaches, nurtures and snuggles (and occasionally disciplines) Bella. Bella is fiercely curious about all things, especially about whatever I am doing and the cats. Bella is convinced that Gaia isn’t really allowed to live in the same house and “tattles” on her to me all the time. Pumpkin is still alive and kicking (really, real talk!) and Gaia(THE most enchanting black witchy cat ever) watches all the madness from her perch, taking it in and disapproving where necessary. If my house sounds like fur ball chaos, it is. It’s great. My niece Bethany (Kristen’s daughter and approximately Max’s age) has also been spending more time with me and helping me with the dogs. She’s an angel, I absolutely adore her.



I know that my work has partly been responsible for whisking the year by at break neck speed. I have acquired many new duties, responsibilities and skills this year and it’s been incredibly rewarding and challenging alike. There have also been some big changes internally as well that have caused all of us to acclimate to a new way of doing things and doing our best to keep up with the changes in a positive and focused manner. We do it though, I am constantly in awe of my team-mates, how dedicated and talented they all are. It is an honor to work with such a great group of individuals. The coming year is looking similar, we are rewriting some of our core applications and the entire team will be dedicated to that in early 2011. I’m really hoping to be able to focus on getting more shiny new programming skills under my belt, but we’ll see, those “other duties as assigned” in my job description seem to have infinite definitions, possibilities and demands.

We had many good friends move out of state this year which while I am sad to have seen them go, I feel joy in knowing that they are all experiencing new opportunities along the way. I wish you all the best and hope to see you soon!

Dave started a new job in August. It is going well, as well as his industry can support at the moment anyway, but he is seriously considering changing career paths at 30-achem-something, which I support 100%. He’s a hard working, wonderful person who is pretty good to me. I feel very lucky.

I lost a dear friend in September to cancer. He fought bravely for many years and it was a bit more sudden then anyone could have anticipated. He is dearly missed.

After about 2 years deliberation, the tonsils finally came out in October 2010. Admittedly, I was very nervous about the surgery. I’d heard some pretty awful things but really, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience all things considered. The surgery itself went great – no anesthesia hiccups (thank you medical staff at Lutheran Hospital!) and my recovery, while long, exceeded my expectations. Dave and Kristen did their best to take care of me and I was kept entertained while not sleeping by reading, Facebook, gaming, etc….3 weeks at home before I could return to work, about 8 weeks total before the area was healed and not noticeably annoying. Since, I have not had a single bout of strep throat, ear infection, sinus infection or illness more annoying that a very mild cold that lasted all of the 3 days. This is how *normal* people feel? Amazing. I should have done it years ago. I am just so thankful that I have an employer who was supportive of the time off needed to have the surgery and recover. What a blessing!

All in all, that pretty much sums up the big stuff for this year. I am blessed, loved and love life. I have learned and lived so very much this year, connected and reconnected with many wonderful souls along the way and had many great adventures that I can’t help but feel absolute gratitude. There are always ups and downs in any period of time, but with age I am learning how to cope with loss and stress more effectively each day. Even the aging part is growing on me, though the more predominant laugh lines and crows feet? Those are taking some getting used to!

Next year, I am looking forward to some time off that doesn’t involve me laid up in bed recovering from something and hopefully, I’ll be seeing more friends and family as a result and continuing to build on those relationships which make me feel so incredibly fortunate. Max is planning another visit in July, or we may go out there, I’m not sure yet. We talk so regularly that even though he’s far away, it doesn’t feel that way most days. I’ll still snatch up any opportunity I get to mom him though and enjoy all his uniqueness. No plans to move or anything major in the coming year, keeping it simple is the plan and I’m A-ok with that!

Please see the attached photo’s for your pleasure and yes, I am that person. I humiliate my animals by dressing them up :) Also, I apologize for the lack of “Dave” pics, he is realllllly not into having his picture taken!

Wishing you all the best in 2011!

Love & hugs all,
Sarah

Turkey Day Recap

Wednesday
Excused from work early, went home and baked and prepped for Thanksgiving. Bowled with D on the Wii, getting better every day. Some day, I will win.

Thursday
Up at 7 AM with the dogs and started cooking/cleaning immediately. Lots of coffee. Dinner by 1 PM, was way to much food for two people and two puggies. Puggies indulged (see below) happily, Gaia and Pumpkin just licked the gravy off their turkey. Didn’t even eat the turkey! Cats…such food snobs. Cleaned up the kitchen (sort of) and Dave and I basically slept the rest of the day, we had an extremely busy week, both in preparation for the holiday and at work. I heard from Pam via text, she wants to “talk soon?” I don’t have a response for that whole issue at the moment. I’m not ready, I don’t think. I didn’t call anyone on the holiday. I don’t feel guilty for some reason. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable with being ok with people not liking me all the time for not living up to their standards or what I’m “supposed” to do. There are STILL leftovers in the fridge and we are going on almost a week later. It will be the last time I cook an actual turkey tho, so gross. All that skin and bones and tendons and stuff. I’m just not cut out to be a carnivore, even though it was delicious and I thanked it a number of times while Dave stared at me like I was fresh out of the loony bin.

Friday
Woke up early, continued cleaning up the volumes of dishes from the previous day’s festivities. Played with the dogs and dinked around for about an hour before heading up the mountain to see Max. Was a beautiful morning in town, but the clouds were looming once I got up the mountain a bit. It was spitting snow and wind once I got to Idaho Springs and I anxiously awaited Max’s arrival at our pre-determined spot. He was there rather promptly, got out of the car looking like natural born snow border, clad in all the gear, complete with hat. AND A GOATEE! He’s got fuzz on his face, what the heck! It’s adorable, I loves it, but it took me back a bit. We went to a lovely café for brunch, I had the vegetarian eggs benedict, he had French toast and sausage. We chatted over tea and Coca Cola, did a lot of catching up. Much of which I’m still processing, most profoundly though seem to be his insights on the previous few years and his behavior and my behavior and how we landed to where we are today. He mentioned that he was sorry that he’d been such an “ass” to me, that he really was acting like a jerk and doing his best to make me feel like crap so he’d get what he wanted. He admitted that living in WY wasn’t at all what he expected and that getting to know his dad has been a good experience, but again, not at all what he expected. He said, and I quote “Now I know why you guys aren’t together. There’s no possible way you two could put up with each other.” We both laughed at that and for maybe the first time in a long time, I saw it like that instead of having mixed feelings about the man that is my baby’s daddy. I also got a serious glimpse into Max’s young psyche, has he been wondering all this time why we aren’t together? I honestly hadn’t really thought of that, I guess perhaps I just assumed it was obvious. But not to someone who doesn’t know Sean and Max, didn’t really know Sean until probably the last 18 months or so and living with someone is a whole different set of rules. Which was a natural segue in the conversation about living with his room-mate and what that’s like and he’s curious about Dave and I. He went on to tell me how much he likes Dave. That he feels more comfortable at east knowing Dave is there with me, he said “I know he’d know what to do if anything happened.” I don’t know what that means, except that man-child is clearly protective of his momma bear, even from afar. I hope not to much tho, I realllly don’t want him to have the same crappy baggage I do. Some other kind of baggage, fine, so be it and I’m sure it will be. We talked for a few hours, did some window shopping at all the quaint little mountain shops. He bought Kristen a Christmas ornament and kept trying to buy me this little doo dad or that. At which I smiled a great deal, it’s very clear he’s trying to assert his independence AND wants to prove he’s doing “ok.” I think he wants me to be proud of him. And I am. Totally, he’s really coming into himself and while I know I’m not getting the whole story, I think he’s doing pretty ok for himself. I probed about school, not to much tho, we all know how private kids can be when they get out on their own. He gets a little prickly when I bring it up, so I tread that water carefully. He says he’ll think about it. I told him I just wanted him to at least get his GED and think about Vocational Training of some kind when (?) he returns to CO, which he assures me is by about age 21. The kid has been in his own apartment about one month now. He may find that he wants more then Capser has to offer him before the next 3 years come to pass. There’s very little available to him now out there, he admits it. Ultimately, I know he’ll find his way and this may not include formal education. I always tell him “You got the best of me and your dad, you are smart and capable. You are street savvy and can read a book, those are two things that will never fail you in life.” He laughs, but he knows I’m right. He gave me the most awesome hug goodbye, good solid manly squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I tried not to cry, he reminded me he’d be down at Christmas time for a whole week. That made me smile. I left the visit feeling like my baby boy is out in the world, finding himself, but knows where his momma’s heart is and that it’s always open to him. What else could I ask for? Spent the rest of Friday cleaning house and kicking Dave’s but at Wii golf. He then, kicked my butt at ping pong and baseball. My arms are still sore, he admits I gave him a good run for his money at the ping pong.

Saturday
Slept as late as possible, which is like 7:30 AM at the most. By this point, I’m pretty tired. Got the puggies nice and worn out, showered and headed out the door to meet Rosebud and Clark William at DIA. Dave wakes up as I’m walking out, smooches and goes out to smoke in his boxers. I’m thinking, man you are dedicated to that stuff! I don’t say anything, he knows I want him to quit. I know nagging him won’t change a thing and really, who am I to say a word? I smoked for a solid 15 years before I quit and still sneak an occasional clove smoke here and there when the occasion calls for it. Drive to DIA, not much traffic, I’m thinking right on. Find a parking spot right in front, another RIGHT ON. I was expecting total chaos due to the holiday and don’t get me wrong, the airport was busier then normal. However, as I later told Rose, it’s designed to keep people moving in all it’s enormity and modern transportation-oriented design. So people are hustling and bustling all around me, I grab some water and a snack and settle in patiently near the train exit. I’m nervous to see Rose, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe because it had been so long, maybe because I didn’t know how she’ll react to me or what if there was nothing to talk about? Those little insecure voices are SO annoying. The second she walked up with little Clark strapped to her, my eyes welled up and one of those big wet drippy tears came running down on both sides. We hugged, I apologized for the tears she looked at me and said “Oh your fine”, kind of waiving it off and smiling a little and we were off on our way. We were able to spend about an hour and a half together. I don’t know why wouldn’t have anything to talk about, we haven’t seen each other in ages. So much has happened, so much to get caught up on and plus, the little monkey really is very entertaining. No lack of interest there! Rose has grown up so much. Motherhood becomes her, she’s warm and loving and honest about what being a mom means for her. Clark is easily the most mellow baby at age 1 I’ve ever met. He just takes it all in, watches and gauges the situation and dives right in. It only took him about 10 minutes to warm up to me, which I thought given the circumstances was pretty flattering. Imagine, sitting in a busy air port on a holiday weekend meeting this big tall lady you’ve never met who just keeps trying to hug and kiss you! The horror! Clark was all over it though, we walked around and had lunch. We played and talked and he gave me some good hugs. Clark shared his rice with me and has quite the appetite. It must run in the Conlee blood. As Rose and I sat there talking, about being a mom and work and life, I had this epiphany that it was only because of a small twist of fate that we didn’t end being in the same house together, growing up as sisters on the day to day. She seems familiar to me. I feel inherently comfortable and an ease communicating with her, like she really does understand me. I think she feels the same with me too. I see mannerisms and physical features that I recognize. Later, I think to myself that neither of us grew up with a sister and she’s approximately the same difference in age with her brothers as I am with her. I try not linger on the thought, but there is this strange connection I feel to her that I don’t totally understand and I can’t tell if it’s because we are blood related in a significant way or our circumstances, though very different, are also very similar. It’s hard not knowing your father, it’s hard knowing you have a sibling out in the world that circumstances did not allow you to know until recently and it’s work to be a mom and women and wife and all those things that we both have been. Feminine unification perhaps? In any event, the visit left me pondering much and there were a lot of tears in parting from her and Clark. A longing overcame me to be a part of their lives, in a regular way. To know Clark as he ages and get to know my sister. She’s very warm and loving, I sense a similar ongoing balance and battle with the logical and emotional selves, there are many things I was able to gleem from that one interaction that has stuck with me and I think the biggest, most profound one was that my fears about us not being able to get along or have a quality relationship because of the very different ways in which were raised are not fair to either of us. It wasn’t her fault, or mine, that this is how it is and there’s no reason to taint the waters with things that are in the past and not really relevant to us. I mean what can we do about it anyway? Not a whole lot, so let’s put it in the past and move forward.

Sunday
Slept and cleaned up the house a bit more, but mostly slept. The holidays wear me out! Shew!

That said, here we are more than a week since the big event and I’m pooped out still! Not just from that but also from the various activities since, getting decorations in order, having friends over for meals, etc. I’m hoping to keep this weekend low key as I’m a bit fried already. I also jacked my back up doing yard work this weekend. My body is now going to start screaming at me to get the “rest” of me in shape now that my tonsils are no excuse? Danget.

*********************PICS TO FOLLOW SHORTLY*********************

Internal workings…..

Internal workings…..

Somewhere along the line, in my youth or since, I’ve learned to hold myself accountable for everyone else’s happiness, sadness, general state of well being, safety and experiences except my own. Drama with the momma? Drama with the man child? My partner or friend isn’t the absolute picture of sunshine while interacting with me? A coworker smarts off at another coworker? The dogs aren’t getting along? Bella keeps peeing on my favorite towel? The cat pukes up the new food I bought her? These must all be signs somehow that I have failed the person(s) or relationship in question. Surely, it must be right? After all, I’m the epitome of sunshiny happiness, the all-knowing momma bear and would NEVER puke up a free meal! That’s just rude! I’m the absolute perfect model martyr. Right down to my sad droopy tears and restless nights agonizing over such things.

~ GAG ~

Good grief, not only is this totally exhausting and somewhat pathetic (perhaps I ought to get to focusing on my OWN life and stop worrying about everyone else’s so much?) it is totally unnecessary! The world surely isn’t doing me the same favor by agonizing over such things and some how relieving me of these anxieties. I’m the only one responsible for these things for myself (as a very wise Aunty recently pointed out) so it’s on me to treat myself kindly and with respect and take care of myself. Why then, is it or has it become some how, my responsibility to do so for everyone else?

My inner child is literally crying to be free of what feels like a life time of babysitting everyone else’s feelings and needs and wanting someone to babysit me for a minute. Uhm, inner child…hello, that would be YOU little girl. You have to babysit yourself because no one else is going to. Which isn’t totally true, evident by the number of loving souls so willing to nurture all aspects of me, even the totally goofy immature and not so always-loveable ones. It’s much to fun to play the martyr tho, jeez.

The mother in me wants to keep giving unselfishly with not ever a consideration for my own energy and well being because that’s what “good” mothers do. (more gagging)

My inner assertive realist says LET IT GO! Not your problem, everyone lives their own life and you are not responsible or accountable for their behavior, actions, outcomes or personal needs. AND you can’t fix it either.

There’s also a pretty squeaky wheel in there somewhere that just feels generally whiney about the whole damn state of affairs and gets all panicky along with the bats in the belfry…it goes something like this:

“You aren’t going to be loved, appreciated or respected if you aren’t constantly giving of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You aren’t loveable or desirable unless you are giving something of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You just aren’t enough, all by yourself without some kind of gift to offer others, you just aren’t enough.”

Some other inner working wants to remain compassionate and loving and not lose myself to the plight of the selfish little screaming child inside that is throwing tantrums because it’s not been or being heard or the self-loathing voice that always whispers that what I have to offer the world in and of myself, isn’t enough. I don’t want to become bitter or off putting or isolating or lose my belief in the power of love.

Man, I wish my voices would all start playing nicely together. They are seriously giving me a headache. Until then, I AM using my big girl voice and putting the boundary down about putting any energy into perfectly grown adults whose job it is to take care of them-selves (and always has been) and not mine. That much, at least I can do.

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

Ouch.

The man child and I have been trying to figure out the holidays visit schedule for about a month now. It’s like now that he’s on his own (in his eyes) he doesn’t have any obligations to spend time with family for Turkey Turkey Day or the Christmas Holiday. Correction, me. His dad and his dad’s side of the family are getting plenty of time with him. Which, I know is partly because a) He lives less than a mile from his dad and b) His dad, naturally, comes to Colorado to see his parents and Max comes along to see them. I’m basically left with working around what they are doing even though I offered to buy him a bus ticket out here or give him gas money or, come to see him if he didn’t feel he was able to get here.

Yesterday, M texted me and said “Good news, looks like we are coming to CO for Thanksgiving after all and I’ll have a few hours on Friday to go to lunch or something.”

My immediate response is total glee at the thought of spending some time with him. Then I think, “Wait a minute, just a few days ago he said he couldn’t come out at all?” But I ignored that and just let myself be happy about getting to spend a little time with him.

As we start discussing our plans, he seemed excited about seeing if we could find a way for him to spend one of the 3 nights he’ll be in Colorado at my place so he could see the dogs and we could all do a Thanksgiving together. I offered to drive him the 2 hour round trip Friday afternoon and Saturday morning back and forth to his Grandparents and ensuring he was able to get back up the mountain in time for him and his dad to head back to WY. He said he’d talk to his dad and see what was up, but he didn’t see a problem with that.

Lots of planning goes into all this and we leave it at that, with my coming to pick him up Friday noon and bringing him back early Saturday morning.

Five hours later it’s a totally different story. I get all this himming and hawwwing about how I need to share and he needs to spend time with his Grandparents and his dad for Thanksgiving because he spent his entire summer with me (4 weeks, most of which he spent with his friends) *blink* Huh? I’m not “sharing”? Excuse me. First of all, I’m his MOTHER. Secondly, he’s living with his dad over a year now and has seen his grandparents a number of times in between. Thirdly, I’m HIS MOTHER! Hello.

Then it hits me. And prepare yourselves because this is some real sad woe-is-me crap about to happen: He doesn’t really want to spend any time with me. In his eyes, he’s doing me a favor by conceding to a lunch date because no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. It’s lunch. That’s it, that’s all you get. Be happy with that.

I was crushed and spent the rest of the evening fighting back the tears and feeling very depressed. I couldn’t figure out a) Why it was hurting me so bad, after all, at least he wants to see me, right? I should be happy he’s at least there, right? and b) I figure that at least some of this is his fathers influence, that much is apparent.

So what, I’m left to just deal with it I suppose. That’s the way it is now and I should be happy for the table scraps I am given? This, somehow, doesn’t feel at all ok to me. In general, I feel totally disrespected. It’s funny, because it’s not just with M. It’s at work, in many of my relationships. I just don’t feel taken seriously or all that respected as a person.

On the M front though, I can’t decide what is sparking all this deep hurt over this subject. I think I feel totally rejected on some level, as if my role as mother just isn’t all that important to anyone in the situation. Then it hits me that perhaps that is what this is really about, mother role affirmation. I am taking it pretty personally too, some might argue that it would be hard NOT to. Other’s would argue that he’s a teenage boy who is not only conflicted but most likely being pulled in numerous directions and it is my job, my responsibility to handle all of this with compassion and remember that yes, it hurts, but he’s growing up and trying to figure a lot of stuff out. This often leaves moms and dads in the lurch. I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It sort of feels like we are going backward after a year plus of working toward a relationship that is healing and full of love.

I’m trying to dig through all this pain and rejection I’m feeling and figure out the best way to handle it. Most likely, it’s just to be the solid and suck it up butter cup. Damn it hurts like hell though.

In other and really exciting news, I may have the opportunity to hook up with Rose, Micheal and Clark William during a layover they’ll have in Denver on Saturday, November 27th. We are still working out the details, I haven’t heard anything back but I’m hoping it can happen. This opportunity reminds me that life throws you a bone every now and then and jumping on it without questioning it and feeling deflated because it’s not how the situation might have panned out according to your own personal desires.

Work is plugging along and I’m feeling more hopeful regarding a healthy progression. In spite of the fact that we’ve had a developer already resign and another I suspect, will be doing so relatively soon, it does feel like an opportunity of sorts. For all involved, the folks leaving and the folks remaining, to find a healthy balance. I believe some humbling is occurring in the upper ranks, which will bode well with those of us who catch all the crap that runs down the hill. There’s definitely a more appreciative and respectful attitude in daily interactions and while I’m still very concerned about some thing’s, I do sense that perhaps this recent turn of events will set the tone for the future. If nothing else, it’s been made clear that my work is valued. Cross those fingers for a raise!

D and I are doing well. Though, I’ve been pretty moody these past few days. I had an experience recently that triggered some of the PTSD stuff I’ve been working through for a while and that can throw me into a funk pretty easily. It must be very confusing for anyone who’s been in my general vincinity when this occurs. I don’t want to be touched or talked to or anything. I just want to be alone, I simply don’t have the energy to interact or explain what I’m feeling and I don’t want to take it out any one else, it’s not their fault these things happened to me and I’m still trying to deal. That could also be why I’m so sensitive to the stuff with Mj. I’m already a bit unbalanced at the moment, so anything is going to feel like the end of the world.

D handles it all well though, he’s so tolerant and understanding and gives me a wide berth and comes to me when I need him.

Off for now. There’s much to be done. I am cooking for Turkey Day, I’m sure I’ll go crazy and make a huge meal that D and I won’t be able to eat all of. In between now and then I’ve got a lot to do to prepare and some very good friends of mine are moving across country next Monday. This weekend will be taken up with all of that, goodbye parties and helping them pack the truck. I’ll miss them, they’ve been good to Max and I. However, I’ve learned to accept that this is life. You have moments where you are close close close to someone and then they can be gone, in a flash, out living their own lives. It’s important to remain grateful for what little time life affords us with those we connect.

Love you all!
XO
S

It was an ah ha moment alright…

Last Thursday, on the way to work, I came to the stark realization that 35 is the age that both my mother became a grandmother and approximately the same age my mother made her parents a grandparents. I have reason to believe that Max will break this cycle, he’s far to engulfed in striking the path to independence and is, therefore, totally into having “his” time at the moment.

A brief mommy interlude here: I have some fears that the boy is directly avoiding young women since living with his dad and that now, his relationship skills are going to be twice as jacked up as a result. I didn’t exactly lay down a good foundation for what a quality intimate adult relationship looks like and I still don’t know what I’m doing, so he didn’t get much help from me there. Way to go ma! His father, on the other hand, is just as detrimental in that he has the attitude that “women are not worth the trouble” so of course this mom is a bit on the concerned side about Max’s perception of women and what that looks like in his potential relationships. I don’t doubt that the boy respects women, I know that he does. I mean, how could he not? He’s been surrounded by a solid crew of really responsible, independent kick-ass women for 17 years. Kristen and I have been breaking the walls down about what moms (let alone single moms) are SUPPOSED to be doing since he or Bethany can remember. But, I do sense that he’s very conflicted (or not at all aware of the source, but it’s still writhing around in there just waiting to be discovered) and not showing any interest in girls as a result. He seems perfectly content to hang out with a bunch of dudes playing Xbox and riding BMX bikes all the time and sigh, drinking beer I’m thinking. This strikes me as slightly odd for 18, but I don’t know? Is it? I long ago pondered the possibility that he might be gay or just totally asexual and have no desires, which I assured him a number of times that this would be totally welcomed and accepted in my home if that were the case and he ought not fear such discussions with ole mom, to which he replied something like “Mom, please don’t talk to me about this right now..or ever.” Apparently, it’s still much to awkward an age to discuss sex with mom. Fair enough. However, based on some intercepted text messages and various articles moms aren’t supposed to discover, I am pretty sure he’s at least physically attracted to girls, but who knows. His hormones are still aligning themselves and I am convinced that guys don’t fully mature until after 40 anyway, so he’s got a ways to go and nothing would surprise me along the way.

now…back to the program…….

I do believe that Max is going to have the skills to avoid an unintentional pregnancy and can see the value in doing so from the 50 foot view, hopefully for at least 10 – 15 years. So, I’m not totally panicking about this as the predetermined destiny him before he grows out of the years starting with 1 OR for my 35 year old self, but the thought did spark some red hot feelings and emotions I’m not quite sure how to manage. Clearly, it is ones of mortality and sense of self. I keep thinking to myself “I am not sure I really know who the heck I am or how I feel about things and it’s a well documented fact that I’ve got all kinds of unresolved stuff that’s had to take a back seat to being a mother and other demanding relationships, so now what?’

I certainly haven’t been doing much in the way of soul searching in the past year that Max has been out of the house either. I suppose I’ve been grieving in a way, and adjusting to the newness of this phase in my life. In some ways, I also feel there has been some crisis management as a result of all this change, because that is how I roll. Change occurs, I manage, I recover, I come back to life and it’s amazing how long it can take me to adjust to change. It’s also amazing how when the time is right, it all comes bubbling up to the surface and cries out “Ok, you are doing ok and safe, now let’s deal with BLAH and BLAH and don’t forget BLAH!”

I am sensing a possible mid-life crisis approaching. Kristen keeps telling me to wait till at least 40 to start going all whack-job on her. I keep telling her that if I could ensure that I’d live until the beautiful age of 80 then I’d be happy to but there are no guarantees so I don’t really intend on putting it off if it wants to rear its annoyingly inconvenient head before then. I’ve put off enough things in my life to know that ignoring it won’t make it go away.

Life has a way of reminding you every so often in really really big ways that you don’t always get a second chance. In not so obvious ways on the daily, I can’t help but feel that it screams to me to have fun where I can and live and experiment and try everything at least once and rebel rebel rebel. But I have chosen not to act on a lot of those impulse because I’ve been trying to behave in at least partly a responsible way in terms of mothering the man boy and here I am now, feeling kind of conditioned to live life a certain way and frankly, feeling a little resentful. I sometimes feel like I am only now fully realizing the full gravity of what it means to be a mother at such a young age because now that I can see it from the other side, I’m saying “whoa! No shit Sherlock, this has been hard and I’m freaking tired and worn out at 34!”

I realize there are no rules. I can change my direction at any time I so chose it. Sadly, experience has taught me to fear change and unknown. Besides, what would people THINK *GASP*

Of course, this also forces the issues of various relationships in my life. D, of course, being one of them. I often wonder if it’s fair to to be involved with me at the moment because I rebel against the idea of being responsible to anyone else right now pretty hard core OR, I just try to control everything which is TONS o fun for all of us. Sometimes, I feel so selfish for just doing the things I want to do and I resent that a little. I am not totally sure I want to have to think about someone else’s feelings and needs all the time. I’m not totally sure I want to have to answer to anyone else or worry about whether or not my actions or behavior are going to affect them. I’m freaking worn out man, I’ve been giving all of myself to everyone else for a long, long time without giving myself a whole lot of time to take care of myself. I’m drained of the undying affection and devotion I’ve lavished upon lovers, family and friends.

Then other times, he feels like a solid, grounding source. He’s sane. He is very balancing to my wild child. Sometimes too sane. Sometimes I wish he’d cry about something or laugh hysterically over nothing. He’s always so…so…mellow.,

This is all big stuff that has to be worked out I know. Because the reality is, whether I want it or not, here it is and it was partly my doing. The situation with D is a real one. I do love him, in that way that feels like a good, solid, safe choice. “Is that ok, is that enough?” my brain asks. My heart loves the love and feeling safe with him and being able to trust him and a good portion of the time feeling like we are a good match, lord knows I haven’t had a whole lot of that with men in my life. But every now and then, the wild child in me longs for constant excitement! Passion! Some days, we already feel like a married couple of 20 years and I’m not there yet. Do I want that eventually? Of course, I do. Maybe even with D. But right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an established married couple after a year + of dating. And no, I don’t equate marriage with monontony, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit more woo-ing and fun times together that don’t involve routine already.

This is why I wonder if it’s really fair for him. I doubt that highly. He’s already lived a life full of playing, living for himself and doing as he pleases, when he pleases. He’s ready to settle a little, I think he sees me as a good source for that. I can see that, my wild child is tempered by the most annoyingly responsible and Type A adult you’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean I want to be treated that way every day.

Course, I couldn’t imagine my life without him any more. He’s pretty rooted in there these days and the more I talk these things over with him, the more I am relieved to find that he seems pretty aware of where I’m at and seems to understand well and, even better, wants to see how he can help to give me both the space and freedom I need (and am sort of demanding right now) while still helping to grow our relationship. Which, I have to say, I appreciate that tremendously and gives me hope that there can in fact, be a healthy sense of self within a relationship without loosing sight of either.

Certainly there must be simple answers to life big questions? Perhaps I should consult a magic 8 ball or the cootie catchers of my youth?

Who knows? Until then, work beckons and life never stops being interesting.

PS: I am having pics done of Bella, Bailey & Myself. Yes, I am “THAT” person. Nice huh? Now, what to dress us in?

Well, I’ve managed to make it through three whole days of work. All of which have been exhausting and much more demanding then expected! I finally realized last night - after my second night in a row where I came home and literally passed out for an hour on the bed with the dogs sniffing and barking at my feet – that I’m going to have to take it real easy for a while. It’s only been 3 weeks and the doc told me I’m going to feel kinda tired, run down and with all the strange soreness/dryness that I’m definitely experiencing until about 6 weeks post op. Really? Damn. Let’s pray this is the last of these types of things for a while, shall we?

The good news, is that my employers have gone to great lengths to give me this week to ease back into the day to day demands of my job, which after performing my self-appraisal yesterday, I realized I do a helluva lot around here and I was told that my absence was noticed. Which made me feel pretty good. I’m curious about how my annual review will go with R, it’s been a tense relationship off and on as you all know and it’s gotten better in some ways and not so much in others, but we are all hanging in there and I think we are making progress. In any event, I am looking for a raise of some substance this year and a title and job description revision. I will be curious if my employers believe that I am worthy of such things, I have a feeling they will meet me somewhere in the middle of “You Rawk” and “Good Job”. Cross your fingers!

Max and I have been in touch quite a lot since he moved into his apartment. He called me Monday when he received his package and we talked for solid hour about real stuff and he’s been texting me regularly since. I also wrote him a letter saying something along the following, in a half joking way:
1) Don’t drink and drive.
2) Stay away from the hard stuff.
3) Always use a condom.
4) Try to wait till you are least 25 to make me a grandma, preferably 30 would be a more suitable age in my very humble opinion.
6) Don’t forget that I’m always in your corner, I might not be able to “fix” whatever is going on, but I’m always here if you need me and love and respect you no matter what life throws at us.
7) Remember who that awesome guy is that I always knew you’d grow up to be!

He promised he’d adhere to 1 – 3, couldn’t guarantee the rest. Darn, I was hoping for a sealed and certified contract.

He went on to inform me of how hard work is and what a jerk his boss is for not giving him time off to let the gas guy in so he could turn it on so they were without gas for a few days, thus no hot water, heat or warm food! Oh the perils of responsibility! Apparently, the package of warm things arrived just in time then I told him. “Ha Mom, that’s hysterical!” We both got a good giggle out of that.

He’s supposed to come for Thanksgiving, I sure hope so. I miss that boy. His hugs are the best, how ever brief they may be, they are the most coveted. Because they are brief, perhaps? Hmmm, this seems very chicken or the egg-ish?

In other news, the “dry run” with Dave has gone over well on some days and kind of annoying on others. We are now faced with the reality of actually moving in February, so of course the whole thing is becoming more real. As much as I despise moving, I am going to regardless of whether he and I co-habitate or not. My current home is really run down and while it has many charming aspects to it, it really needs a lot of work and my renters aren’t willing to do the work I would want to stay in the place for another year. Namely, the back yard needs to be landscaped and they need to seriously invest in a proper fumigation b/c the ear wig situation is rather unpleasant and I’m not going to go through all that again next July – October (this year it’s November the little stragglers are still here and there.)

So, it does pose the question of whether we should move in together for reals and of course, I will cover thine own ass as we’ve learned that lesson a few times now, so it’s engrained in there pretty good by now, one would hope anyway.

Doh, time to head home to the puggies.

More soon
Love you all

Adventures of Tonsil Girl: Fin

Sorry (you know who you are *giggle*) for not blogging in a while, over a week now I guess. Mostly it's been because I've been feeling decent enough to be doing things that allow me to get off the couch for a few hours at a time. Cleaned house, cooked a bunch of food (most of which I cannnot eat), walked the doggeh's, read some books and Facebook-ed. Facebooked? Is this like...a verb now? Jeesh, my generation is interested isn't it?

All in all, I'd say this experience was almost exactly what I expected and I am thankfull it has gone off without a hitch. There were bad days, but there were not so bad days to. It was really pretty tolerable overall. My follow up appointment went stellarly, Dr. Tonsils says everything is healing up normally and to expect some discomfort for some time on the left side because apparently that tonsil was deeply rooted into the tonsil bed and badly infected. He said they were some of the worst he's seen and that I can probably expect to be feeling about 100x better in the coming weeks and months as I heal up. YAY ME!

A few noteable lingering effects:

- Food. It's all to salty, sweet, spicy, crunchy, scratchy, dry, hot or cold. My taste buds haven't full recovered, not sure what's up with that, but apparently this is normal. I can tell you that it hasn't done wonders for my apetite. I've lost about 10 lbs and at this rate, may continue to lose or maybe at least not gain it back because food just isn't all that appealing, which honestly, is a bit of a drag.

- Energy. Some, not as much as I'd like. I have days where I'm totally beat still, and others where I have enough to be productive. I'm anxious about getting back to work, but not looking forward to the bulky inbox I am anticipating. I've gotten pretty lazy in the last few weeks, I'm sure it'll take me a few to get back on the bus and my sleep schedule is 7 different kinds of jacked up, so that should make for an interesting first week back at work.

- My voice. I am still sounding pretty froggy and I found myself singing in the car and I sound FUNKEH and it still requires a certain amount of effort. Dave says he can't quit nail it, but something about the tone and pitch seems to have changed. I am unsure as to whether this is permanent or not, I forgot to ask Dr. Tonsils and it does make sense that I sound different. Besides the obvious, I sometime find myself kind of babying my throat.

Other than this, there is no pain, it's just kind of annoying some times and perpetually feels dry. I drink so much water, or that's the other thing....my tap water suddenly takes extremely unpleasant. Like chlorine and something else gross, nothing like drinking a little swimming pool water to liven up the day huh? So, it's been bottled water and Gatorade, which I've suddenly taken quite a liking to and could become a very expensive habit.

This weekend we have Halloween festivities to attend, parties and I'm hoping to go to the King Tut exhibit at the musuem. We'll see how much energy I end up with.

FYI: Bella is wagging her tail in her sleep, little paws a twitching and "hrph roo roo hrph" - this tail wag is known as the "Happy Tail" in our house as Bella and Bailey do it exactly the same and it's beyond affirming to see that little tail curl up when I come home or when we are playing.

On the subject of Pugs, I received THE most charming book from my most wonderfully charming GramE. "Letters to a Young Pug" - I instantly sat down and read it and laughed and laughed. I just love it, it captures much of the Pug attitude and the pictures are great and of course, there is some wisdom to be received as a result.

Max and I spoke last night for some time, he's moved into his new place already! I sent him a huge box full of towels and blankets and what nots, cost me a small fortune in shipping but since I cannot be close to him physically, I must give to him what I can from afar. I miss him so much, sometimes it's painful. The seperation of child from mother is not something I've yet been able to describe in words or even clearly piece together in thought. His room-mate sounds nice, but all the bills are in Max's name (whoa huh?) and he's all Mister Big Stuff now, responsible and capable. He told me last night how much it sucks to have all these bills and I shared with him my thoughts on the perception of freedoms we have of adults when we are young, but it comes as a hefty surprise when we realize that those perceived freedoms come with a cost. Responsibilities are exhuasting for some of us, not so much for others, it's all in how you look at AND how much you take on. I.e...why you won't see me buying a house, getting married or taking on another fur baby any time soon. I'm on the "Keep It Simple Stupid" plan. Maximus, I suspect, will be learning all that in due time but I can tell that for now, he's on his own path with much gusto and I can also tell that he misses his momma to.

I will miss the puggies next week when I go back to work. A lot. We've spent a ton of time snuggling on the couch, long naps and movies. I am worried that they will miss me and be lonely. I see me driving home at lunch time for a while until everyone reacclimates.

I am thinking of going back to therapy, I need some help navigating some of the feelings I'm having about my relatinoship or...lack thereof, with the parental unit. Sometimes I get really angry, sometimes I feel nothing but forgiveness and empathy. All the time, I wish things weren't so complicated and I, for one, am putting a stop to my role in that complexity. There are a lot of people in my life who seem to love me just the way that I am and want to engage in a relationship with me that is consistently free of drama. Of course, this makes me sad, but I can honestly say that I feel a sense of freedom in letting go as well.

Kristen and Dave took mighty good care of me through all this. I am grateful for them and am learning a lot about loving someone who isn't perfect, but may just be perfect for me. Kristen is perfect though, she's the bestest friend a girl could ever have :D

Well, Dave should be home soon. I'm trying to muster up the energy to do something this evening, but right now...it's looking like another night on the couch :D Which is fine by me. I have to get out this weekend though and enjoy this gorgeous fall we are having. Plus, I can't wait to see my friends. I've been grounded for weeks and that's pretty hard for this Snuggle Bug, which btw...is what I'm going to be for a Halloween :D

Love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 10

Minor set back today it seems. I'm ok, but a little frustrated. Seems like every time I eat anything of substance, it sets me back a day. Last night, it was again...noodles. I boiled those suckers in broth for ever, chopped them up uber tiny and while I was eating them, it seemed ok and they were SOOO good. But, sure enough...about an hour later, here comes the pain. So, I wait for the pain meds to kick in and attempt a popsicle. Popsicle turns out to be the worse mistake of all, I think it ripped of part of the scab on the right side and I was practically on the floor in pain.

So, no eating agian last night or maybe today either. I'm feeling a little impatient now, it's day 10, was hoping to start eating soon.

Oh well, suck it up butter cup as the saying goes anyway :)

This weekend should be quiet, no big fun for me that's for sure. Dave may go to WY Saturday night for a friends Halloween party which would probably be good for him so he's not all stuck up in this house with me. He seems shocked, that it's taking this long to recover. I knew it would take forever, the docs warned me and I've been trying to remain as patient as possible, so perhaps my external appearance seems a bit more calm then expected, don't know. I was prepared for this amount of total suckage, and with me, prepeartion goes a long way. Though, the popsicle incident - complete with tears and gagging - I think made it clear that I'm not a big ole faker.

I've gotten nothing achieved today except a whole lot of sleeping and watching indie movies on Netflix on the Wii, which are always thought provoking and often sad, but still good soul food.

Tomorrow Bella and Bailey have a follow up booster shot and then I need to get Bailey's teeth cleaning scheduled, not sure when we'll be able to swing that. She'll need to be sedated. I brush their teeth, but I'm not sure how good I job I do b/c mostly they just chew on the toothbrush:D

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 9

I feel better today, considerabley better! Now, I know what you are all thinking. "That's great Sarah, but don't get ahead of yourself!" I know, I know. I'm heading my internal voice that is saying the same thing along with "Sarah, remember what happened LAST time you felt "better" and you wayyy over did it and payed for it for at least 2 days?" Yes, that voice is loud and powerful and I learned that lesson already.

So that said, I am keeping it low key today in spite of wanting to do a whole lot more than I already have, which is:

- Emptied the dishwasher.
- Made the bed.
- 2 loads of laundry.
- A trip to the gas station so me and my car could get out for a bit.

Actually, looking at that listis making that little voice tired so I'd probably better stop while I'm ahead.

The awesome news is that today, not only am I not in constant pain (only when I swallow and the ears are really stinging when I do that, ouch) but I am lengthening the time between meds doses. Still no appetite, no voice (unless you count Kermit The Frog voice) and since swallowing is still a chore, it does take effort. Oh and my ears are very sensetive to loud noises right now. But I tell you, this is the best I've felt in a while, even pre-surgery. Perhaps I have a glimpse of how I'm going to feel after this is all said and done? I'm pretty excited about that, I tell you! I keep thinking things like:

- Will I have more physical energy since I am not constantly fighting some kind of crud?
- Will I have more emotional energy since I am not constantly fighting some kind of crud and have more physical energy and therefore may feel like being a whole lot more active?
- Will I take this opportunity for what it is? An big shinning neon sign pointing to making some changes? Mostly about health, which as all know, is related to mental health.

I am excited!

Wish me luck, looks like I'm at the start of an upswing :)

WOOT

XO

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 8

Shew, rough night last night. Serious ear/jaw pain, couldn't get comfortable. Only made it about 4 hours before I sat straight up in bed choking on I don't know what. Supposedly, this is the time when the scabs are supposed to start sloughing and I do feel some strange stuff back there, but I can't really tell what's what. I can't get my mouth open wide enough to actually see what's going on and I'm not sure I really want to anyway. In any event, the night was rough (also, puggies decided they'd potty in the bed! HELLLLLO, bad poo poo's!) and I ended up on the couch with laundry running at 3:30 AM and poor Dave, no rest for the wicked in this house.

After sleeping most of the morning and choking down enough Slim Fast that I could take another dose of meds, I am feeling pretty ok now. Course it's not quarter to 3 in the afternoon and I've done absolutely NOTHING today. Thank god I have this time off from work, there's no way I could be working during all this. Even on the days when the pain is pretty tollerable, there is just no way I'd have the physical stamina and/or voice to handle a full day of work. I may end up being off a little longer than I really need to be, but I figure a few extra days of recovery time isn't the worst thing in the world.

Supposedly the scabs should start coming off some time in the next few days, which some report as the worst of all of it and others report as mostly just gross. Guess we'll see. I don't see me getting much in the way of actual food down until that happens, anything that isn't super liquidy rubs and makes it feel like my throat is going to split in half and I'm scared one of those little scabbies will come of before it's time and land me in the ER with the bleeding and all, so I'll just stick with what's working for now. Popsicles for dinner, it's seriously not the worst thing in the world :)

In other, more pleasant news, Maxter is moving into his first rental on November 1st. I'm so excited for him, I just can't believe how within a year, that kiddo has managed to march off down his own path in a blaze of glory. I keep telling him that we've got a ton of things for him if he can get to Colorado, furniture, desks, tvs, etc....mostly, I'm hoping it will be a way to bribe him to come visit so I can squeeze him, but I really do want to help him get set up in his first place. He says he's coming for Turkey Day, I sure hope so! If not, we'll go up there to have Christmas at his new place, if he's ready that it is.

I miss Max so very much and every now and then, the voices try to point fingers at myself and tell me that it's my fault he's not here with me, close to home. Mostly though, this all feels pretty ok and I believe Max and I will continue to grow in our relationship. I couldn't ask for anything more really, we talk regularly and I see someone who's experimenting and trying on different things. He's at a very exciting time in his life, I am very happy that I have the opportunity to be involved, even if from afar. It may be different then what I envisioned, but life never really turns out exactly how we expect now does it?

More soon, if I am lucky tomorrow will be a better day and I'll have more motivation/energy to manage some oneline picture maintenance.

Love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 7

Compared to yesterday, today is a lot more manageable. Thanks to Dave's suggestion, I have learned that if I extend the period of time between pain meds to every 5 - 6 hours and take half a dose in the middle, it seems to even everything out pretty well and I don't end up on the tail end of my dosage in total agony. We started this last night and it's helped tremendously and I sort of feel like I'm taking less that way over all. My plan is to start weaning by the end of the week as healing progresses.

It is a rainy, cool Fall day in Denver and I am happily snuggled up with the puggies, a very warm blanky and my lappy. I've got a nice pumpkin spice candle burning and a silly day time TV program running in the background.

I haven't had any actual food since the noodle debacle on Saturday night, so I'm going to attempt some very mushy potato's to night or maybe some over-cooked mac n cheese. I am not really hungry, but I am having cravings. Mostly regarding taste and textures. Crunchy, spicy, cheesey, salty and vegetables. OMG, I haven't had salad in over a week and I'm going crazy for it! Also no fruit and I've become a daily fruit person in recent months (NOM) so I'm missing my apples, oranges, pears and berries to, big time. If nothing else, I know I'm going to come out of this appreciating the beautiful gift that is food and that it ought to be savored, not abused.

Keeping today very low key. I've not slept all that much and am pretty low on energy. I learned my lesson from Saturday night, overdoing it has serious consequences and they aren't worth it. Not even a little. Plus, I'd really like to be able to report to my doctor on my follow up visit on the 26th that I took uber good care of myself. I really don't need any heads shaking in dissapointment. Obviously, I want to be back on my feet as soon as possible, but I know rushing this is pointless.

On that note, I'm going to take a nappy with my puggies with the warm blanky.

loves and hugs
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 6

There is a lot of what is known as "referred" pain today to my ears and jaw area. It is kind of like this sharp, stabbing pain that comes and goes

I am able to sleep about 2 - 4 hour at a time, but that is about it at the moment. Last night was rough, today feels kinda the same. Swallowing is extremely painful, the pain in my ears resembles that of severe ear infections and I still cannot open my mouth all that much due to jaw pain.

I believe the fierceness of symptoms today are partly my own fault in having way over done it yesterday. I thought I felt decent enough to go to the store and at the time, I was. But after the store and getting home, I think, is when I ended up doing way to much. I gave the dogs a bath, cleaned up the kitchen and made soba noodles. Which I then attempted to eat, because I am reaching the stage where I'm beginning to feel moments of real solid hunger, and they were way to thick and firm for me to even consider. I don't know what I was thinking, but they tasted so yummy and my stomach went wild and I got about half a bowl down before it really started to hurt and I could feel my throat rebelling madly, so I gave up and tried on a bowl of mashed potato's and went to pour gravy and spilled it everywhere. I then had a bit of a mini meltdown, much like a toddler and breathed deeply and tried again only to then have poured so much gravy on the potato's that they weren't edible. It seemed like food was just not in the stars last night. Frustrating. Though, in retelling the story, mildly humorous.

I'm paying for it today, regardless. That'll put me in my place now won't it!?!?!

So enough whining, it's a bad day but we expected these didn't we? Let me tell you what I'm learning from this experience:

a) Every word requires a great deal of effort and has consequences, so it's important to choose them wisely.
b) Sometimes, it's just better to stick with the safe choice (like pudding.)
c) Pain does not discriminate and we are all battling pain of some kind. I think a plaque should be placed in public places so that it can perhaps us all to be a bit more patient with one another.
e) Vulnerability makes control freaks even freakier. Yeah, who woulda thunk but turns out, it's true. Dammit.

More soon, the other side of the couch beckons.

XO
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 5

Feeling about the same as I did this time yesterday, which if that is any indicator, I'll have a rough afternoon and make a rebound by late evening. Slept a solid 5 hours with no interuptions last night, that feels like quite the acheivement so I am pleased about that.

I managed runny mashed potato's and mushroom gravy last night for dinner, which tasted beautiful and while I only got half of it down or so, it felt great to get something in my belly. Dave happily munched on chips, queso and salsa while I gave him the stink eye the whole time and I've never seen him laugh so hard. I'm glad I can ammuse him :)

Didn't make it to Target yesterday, am hoping to go this afternoon when Dave is off work. He's working a ton of hours at the new job, I'm glad he's happy there. It's time repelenish the stocks and get out of the house for a bit, I'm getting a wee bit weepy. Last night I cried becuase my face is all puffy and I can't open my mouth very wide and when I do speak, my voice sounds foreign and distored. I had horrifying visions of my karoke career having been ended all to abruptly, though the doc assures me it's nothing like that and my voice will return to normal, albeit a bit less "husky" which is fine with me. My speaking voice has always been a bit rough around the edges, slighly leaning on the prepubscent boy side. Here's hoping it changes for the better, perhaps that rock star dream of mine can come true at age 34?

Pam texted me last night asking to come pick up her all weather tires. She should be here this afternoon sometime to pick them up. Nothing like a little awkward familial interaction to aid in the healing process eh? We haven't been on speaking terms for months, she didn't know about my surgery and when I let her know I am on bed rest and cannot talk due to surgery, there was no response. Just a "please leave my tires where I can get to them" type of thing and that was it. I am not at all surprised, but it still stung a little considering the state I'm in. So, there was another mini melt down and Dave listened kindly as he always does and that was it, it is what it is. So, her tires and a few other odds and ends are sitting in the carport and she can pick them up whenever I suppose. I truly don't have the wherewithall at the moment to really be objective about the situation, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. Whatever the outcomes are, in the end of all it, I know we will find our own understanding and peace in the situation.

Sigh.

That said, I am off to paint my toes and try to get motivated enough to get out of the house in a few hours. I should probably attempt some pudding or something too before actually going out in public so I don't pass out or something.

Much love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 4

Today is a far improvement since yesterday, my gawd I hope not to have another day like that again. If I do, those are the days that I very literally can't do much of anything except get through the day and wait out the pain.

But since today isn't one of those days and I can swallow ok and am not experiencing was is known as "referred pain" as badly, I plan to:

a) Really focus even more on the fluids. I am beyond thirsty, even though I'm drinking a fair amount of fluids, I just can't seem to get enough. It might be the creepy taste/texture of my mouth, it's like I can't get enough to wash it down/out.

b) Clean house a touch. It's in remarkabley good shape and no one panic, I'm only going to dust and fold some laundry, that kind of thing. No heavy lifting or strenous excercise.

c) We are going to try and get to the grociery store after Dave gets off work. The puggies need food, we need TP that kind of thing. Plus, I kinda feel ready to get out of the house for a bit. I also really need to think of something else I can try to eat, maybe starting working on some noodles or something b/c the pudding thing, while delicious, is getting old.

d) REST, I still feel like I could sleep for a week.

In other news, there are bills to be paid and emails to be answered. Still waiting on the books I ordered over a week ago, sigh...some good ones in there too danget! Hurry up USP. Guess I should be checking on all the "admin" stuff I need to be doing.

Everyone, please wish me luck in that this day continues to be a "good" day b/c I know there's going to be good and bad ones in the coming weeks. Yesterday reminded me of that very much so I'm going to take the ones where I can do more than sit on the couch and ache and run with it. It also helped me to remember that those crappy parts will pass, they always do don't they?

XO
S