Sorry for the lack of blogging/communications lately. Work has been challenging/demanding, I am processing the passing of a long time friend with whom I had a complicated, but loving and interesting relationship and trying to adjust to the life that life has given to me. more soon, promise….also, pics to come of the Wonder Twins, Bella is 5 months today :)

Alanis Morissette - Princes Familiar

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee I've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

The Crossroads

Life deals you a hand from time to time that leaves one so wide open with choices it
can be both exhilarating and daunting to select one. At present day, I feel
faced with the decision about how (or why) to further my career and how it
pertains to my current private life. The way I see it, my choices are:

1) Continue with my existing career path

Study on my own, take some formal classes leading toward certification or
degree studies.

Pro’s: I can stay with my present employer, paycheck pays the bills, learn
on the job, tuition imbursements, PTO and medical.

Con’s: I am not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of my life,
it feels unstable and unpredictable, a fair amount of studying outside of work
is going to be required to get me up to speed on the .Net platforms (which I’ve
gotten jacked around in this area for a while now) and I’m not sure how
happy I am over all/am dreading going to work lately. Considerably less time
with loved ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just
getting used to having.

2) Pursue formal degree in existing genre, possibly graphic art or
more web design oriented

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It is a good marriage between two fields I adore and excel at,
art and technology. Will remain valid and in demand. I believe I would be
happier over the long term in this field rather then structural programming and
data end.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting
myself into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting over (to a
degree) as a graphic artist or designer, I would take a pay cut, at least
initially. Considerably less time with loved ones, including fur babies and
time for myself, which I am just getting used to having.

3) Pursue something completely out of the techie realm

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It would challenge me outside of the technical side of life for
which I have spent the past 15 years and my adult life embroiled in, most
likely philanthropic in nature. Possibly looking at an environmental studies
or advocacy (animal, children, women?) program. Maybe English Lit or History.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting myself
into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting completely over at 35
years old in an industry unfamiliar to me. Considerably less time with loved
ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just getting used to
having.


4) A combination of the above?

Get a less demanding job, preferrabley part time, go back to school part
time, take 1 – 2 classes per semester and spend the rest of my time with
my family and fur babies and MYSELF.

Pro’s: To me, this would be the ideal I think and would consist of a
combination of the above. Far less challenging work environment, forward
movement in pursuing education goals, plenty of time for myself, Dave, the
doggies, etc. I have far less responsibilities as a whole, wouldn’t it
be a lot of fun to spend some time getting to enjoy that a little?

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be taking a pay cut, getting myself into some degree
of debt with the whole student loan thing AND there is the whole question of just
how vulnerable I am willing to make myself. One could also consider this a
step backward professionally, albeit it temporary, it would take me a few years
to actually pull together a degree like this.


Much much to think about, no? You might be wondering what is causing this? There
are two driving forces. One, I am really on the fence about my current work
situation and the more I find myself absolutely dreading going to work each day
the more I think to myself “Hrrrm, is life not for living and experimenting?
I’d really rather not be miserable every day for an eternity in the cube
infested shiny box that is my work day.” The second is that to a certain
extent, I have an option I’ve never had before. I am no longer
responsible for anyone else but myself. *GASP*

Yes, this is just NOW becoming a reality. And this, in and of itself, presents
a freedom that I’ve never been able to factor into my decisions before so
it’s a lot exciting (and anxiety provoking) to think about.

Feedback is valued and welcome as always

xo

Proof that the Universe is listening…..

Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of losing someone that meant the world to me from her battle with breast cancer. She was 30 years old when she passed. Even though I only knew her on Earth a few short years, she impacted my life (and everyone around her I know for a fact) indefinitely and I now know her presence in my life set into motion a chain of events that have been teaching me ever since the day I met her.

When she first passed, for about the first year I was very confused and saddened by the entire experience. I spent months in a haze, questioning and agonizing over what felt like yet another loss. Such is the self-absorbed 20-something, so much so that it became somewhat personal and I found myself in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and growth to help guide me through the pain and frustration, because I went from misery to total outrage over the subject for some time to come. Plus, Carin had shared many new experiences with me, drumming circles and sweats and cleansing rituals which I took and ran with and became hungry for any and all things new in the spiritual realm. So I think I kept with that forward motion and used my new found tools to help give me some measure of understanding, or at the very least, soothe the worried soul.

I’ll never forget this, in an effort to comfort me, someone said “God only takes the most beautiful flowers for his own garden.” and I can honestly remember looking at that person with nothing but contempt in my eyes. I know my eyes must’ve been like daggers because that person literally backed away from me as I stiffened against her very well intended hug. At the time, it all seemed cruel and heartless, that “God” would take one of the most brilliantly beautiful people from this Earth away in such a harsh manner. Carin was this gorgeous, loving, generous, warm, compassionate and outragelously kind person. There are so few of this breed in the world (or so I thought) how could “God” do that to her? To us? TO ME! That bastard! Blasphemous I know, but please remember I really was but a child, at the tender age of 23-ish and my mind was still closed to the idea of “God” as I understand him now or that this term could mean so much more than a Christian deity.

Since, I have come to terms with loss of life as part of the cycle and the Universe’s divinity. My relationship with God has blossomed. My memories and thoughts of Carin are wrapped in light and joy. I smile when I think of her every day and even when the pain of missing her comes, I still smile because I know this physical life is temporary and I’ll see her again and if not, she brought so much to this lifetime for me that I feel my spirit will forever be bonded with hers.

As proof that the Universe is listening, I heard a song this morning that I haven’t heard in years. I rarely listen to this station and this morning I just so happened upon it and it brought so many memories flooding back. Memories of all the pain and young angst I experienced during those years after Carin’s passing. Even though this song is very sad and dark, it was where I was at the time and I’ll never forget what it meant to me then. It allowed the tears to come, the external physical manifestation of my heart breaking. The music made it ok for me somehow to weep openly and loudly and I am still, to this day, grateful for it.

Enjoy.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-1295329267/the_offspring_gone_away_official_music_video/

The Offspring, Gone Away

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can’t deal it’s so unfair


And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away


Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would


And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away

Sweet Sweet Carin

I miss you and am thinking of you today. Not just today, every day. I know it was eons ago, but I remember that day well. How you waited for me. The thunderstorms. How I kept blasting the music in my car on the way home to numb the voices in my head and heart. Now, when I think of you I only think of purple and picnic tables and ferrets and freckles. I remember your smile and how you smell and how you hugged me every time like it might be the last time we ever saw each other. I hug everyone I love like that now too. I hope you are not disappointed in me, I hope you know I am just learning and growing like everyone else. I hope someday I’ll see you again and we can laugh at all this silliness, until then I know I love you girl and I will always, always hold you close to my heart.

Sigh…what is a mother to do? He is clearly ill equipped for the ways of the world, he can’t even figure out how to send a money order. I know I need to be patient and tolerant but is it messed up that part of me feels like saying “Hey, you made this choice bit man, you deal with the details.” I can’t do that I know, I just need to listen and apply suggestions gently, rinse and repeat. It’s just hard, he seems SO young still. I know it’s not fair to base his situation on my own but it makes me really nervous that he’s out in the world, supposedly more on his “own” and he doesn’t seem to have the first clue about how to even cash his paycheck. This worries me. I feel it really leaves him open to being taken advantage of. By his dad for one.

It’s really hard to watch your baby learn things the hard way when you have so much information that could save them the grief and only a handful of it they are actually going to listen to. It’s just like sending him off to kindergarten for the first time, except..you know, real adult grown up kindergarten now. The bullies in this class aren’t exactly harmless, teachers can be false in their message or intent and crushes can result in babies.

Let’s all say a prayer for the boy, life can be cruel but I do trust he’ll figure out the basics soon enough.

Funkalicious

I’m in a funky haze these past few weeks. It’s partly my own doing and partly outside influences out of my control. Work has me on edge. I’m concerned about the future and well being of my son. My mother and I aren’t speaking and as much as I’d like to just wash my hands of her and the whole situation, she is my mother and sometimes I feel sentiment about that. It is only natural. Dave and are trying a “dry run” on the home-front and so far it’s ok, but that is yet another change to acclimate to. The fur babies are wonderful but demanding these past few weeks with all the big changes. I spend a lot of time cleaning up puke, pee and poo lately. The house never feels clean and there are pincer bugs everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE despite our best efforts to get them under control. Yik.

These are all real things…yes. However, in and of themselves or even collectively do not a crisis make. Surely we can identify what constitutes actual cause for crisis mode and drama management? It’s not as if I don’t have a fairly accurate historical check list to compare to.

Regardless, I find myself in full on funk mode for about two weeks now. This was after such a wonderful beginning to the summer and what has been a seemingly mild year in the personal soap opera department, for which I am truly thankful.

But I know this: In everyone’s life doth some funk fall.

At least now I can pretty clearly pinpoint my patterns and for whatever reason, the mid and later summer months tend to be big triggers or at the very least, I can look back in time and see a very clear cycle. I even looked back at my blogs of the past several years and sure enough, you will see a pretty large spike in the “oh woe is me” entries from roughly July – September and then again, around the holidays between late November into early January.

So luckily instead of getting all up in arms over the subject, I am now often able to achieve the “ah ha” moment within a week or so of the funkiness and get a handle on it rather then letting it become it’s own raging monster that creates more crisis and drama to be managed. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way when the stuff gets in motion, it’s nuts how it can take me over and all I can say is that I am really appreciative of whatever it is (experience, maturity, education?) that has helped me to identify and try to heal the symptoms before full on disease sets in.

While I am congratulating myself for more self-awareness and growth in this arena, I can’t help but look back and wonder what really is the root cause here? A sort of physiological chicken and the egg theory for myself.

The situations/experiences (environmental or “nurture” in the child care realm) or the biological/chemical (nature)?

Environmental:
The situations and experience from the past (some of which I don’t remember but I instinctively know SOMETHING is there) that cause these great emotional up-heavels a few times per year no matter the current status of my life, that feel a lot like an emotional muscle memory type of thing.

Nature:
Chemical, emotional, biological factors that are cycling along with what has been labeled a number of things throughout my life time but never really have been determined to be one thing or another. Borderline bi-polar? Sure! Clinically depressed? Why not! Chemical imbalance of some unknown region in the brain? Well, duh!

Meaning, it’s certainly no coincidence that during these times of the year I am feeling the funk regardless of what’s going on my life AND it is often during the summer and holiday months there have historically been truly traumatic or consisted of facing extremely challenging life experiences, typically associated with a great deal of loss. Obviously the trauma’s from a younger age were out of my control, but looking back as far back as my early teen years I can clearly see the pattern, some of which I can now see I was responsible for, even if inadvertently so.

Whichever came first, it is something I am getting better at managing over time but it’s during these times when I am clearly “in cycle” that I want to do the work to avoid creating drama’s or feeding potential ones and simply acknowledge it is what it is…emotional, hormonal, chemical, biological. However annoying it might be (feels a little like my body is pushing back on me, which pisses me off because if you can’t trust yourself who CAN you trust *kidding*).

I also know when it is more the physiological stuff is because I become inexplicably apathetic bored, uninspired and generally devoid of any real energy or excitement for life. This once caused me to spiral into a full on depression which would result in self-medication, wreck-less behaviors and being so blue I could barely function.

Right now, real life stuff is occurring all around me but it’s nothing like what the past few years have been like or the traumas from my teen and early childhood years. There is no survival mode at the moment, things are OK. I am safe and loved and the people I love are safe and loved.

Today, as of right now, I am managing it considerably better than I have in past years and this feels like a minor victory, albeit a slightly tiresome one. Some days, when I’m in this place, I wish and wish upon stars that I was one of those “always together” types of women. Perfect hair and body, always on point, capable, brilliant and not burdened with the betrayals of my past or my own body. Even if it is all bullshit and that woman doesn’t really exist, I still want to be her some times.

Then I think about that a bit more carefully and remind myself that I am exactly who I am supposed to be, right now, right here. That thought makes it more tolerable. That and knowing I am with good company on the “awesomely neurotic women” front :

Work Moods

Feeling uber moody about work today.

The meeting with my new supervisor was less than encouraging. Not because of her, I think she’s going to be a good fit as a whole. More so because I had hoped using that meeting as an opportunity to get some of my questions answered gave me the answers I didn’t want to hear.

Let me state, once again for the record that I wasn’t offered this position. I was not asked if I wanted to change career directions completely. It was presented to me more as a “this is what the team needs right now and you are a good fit so this is what you’ll be doing” type of situation and I chose to look at as a step forward, because regardless of title or pay or any of that, I am and have learned a great deal and have realized some strengths I did not know existed within little ole me.

Back to the meeting with R, from what I gather, she was completely unaware of this. Apparently, she was under the impression that “development was not my passion anyway” and that I had applied for the new position. When I mentioned that my title (and associated pay scale) still hadn’t formally changed (which was my way of asking WTF, it’s been almost 6 months) and a job description for this new position hasn’t been identified, I received the standard non-committal manager response: “let’s give it a few more months and make decisions then.”

Nice. De ja vue all over again.

I also asked how my work will be measured this year because my 2009 employee evaluation has goals and a job description on it for 2010 that was for my “developer” skin, not my “build/configuration manager” self and since we have no job description to base my performance on for this year, what will be used as a measuring tool? She said “We’ll evaluate you from this point on” meaning since her start date. Which is not only completely unfair, but doesn’t even make any sense? Does this imply that all of my hard work from the past 6 months, which included a major issue tracking software configuration/migration, a new wiki config/migration and learning how to manage the builds don’t matter? That is complete bullshit. I have to believe that can’t be true, that these things MUST be taken into consideration because they are HUGE for our department. And not once, not even once did I complain about the long hours or the constant bitching and moaning from all staff (trust me, these new apps are not kitten like when it comes to configuration, talking to other applications and not at all intuitive when it comes to end user product) and having to chase down the project managers on a regular basis to get them to follow up with what they say they are going to do so we can get a damn build put together. Or having to train, remind, and generally babysit most of the staff with regards to this process over and over and over again.

I sure as hell am not getting paid like a manager, why should I have to behave like one?

Sorry…..that was childish. I am feeling childish today, like I want to throw a tantrum.

Not to mention I was told that development would be completely taken off my plate?

Huh? WHAT?

*chirp chirp*

I expected this to some degree, but completely 100%? Excuse me? Does anyone give a flying EFF about what I think or how I might feel about the last 10 years of my career being completely null and void at this point because I’ve been taken SO far out of the development loop by this transition in my position that if I wanted to return to development, I would have to go back to school and hello, if you don’t use it, you loose it. Programming is very much like that, you forget syntax and formulas and standards. This is a big deal to me, even if my company could give a crap.

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR

That said, let me allow my more diplomatic, team player side take over for a minute and put the selfish, impatient child on the back burner for a minute…..

1) This position needed to be filled for the sake of the team and I do work with a solid group of people, so when you are called on, you step up to the plate. I am not the first or last to take one for the team in this group.

2) I am gaining valuable experience and in theory, I am being groomed to be a manager in some capacity.

3) These things take time. Of course the company wants to see how it all fits because such a change in my title will be reflected in my paycheck as clearly the increase in responsibility is significant. Let’s not forget, this is Corporate America people, what matters first and foremost is their bottom line and they have to be cautious.

4) Doing development on top of my current job duties would be not only distracting but I’m not sure how realistic it is to expect this position to turn over issues in a timely manner. As it stands, this position is very demanding.

5) The training and all that, it’s part of the deal and there are worse things then being the knowledge bank for a specific aspect of your team’s process. I am replaceable yes, but they would be hard-pressed to fill the position as quickly as it would need to be in order to continue functioning normally.

6) I am good at this. It is a fact. My technical background that has spanned 15 years or so now gives me the background I need to do this job well. I am attentive to detail. I play well with others. I am a task master that is comfortable chasing people down to get what I need from them to do my job, which in turn keeps everyone involved accountable. I can see the big picture and am becoming very adept at managing the micro to the macro and back again in relation to how this company operates and what the needs of its customers are. I am loyal, I work hard and I care about the quality of my work and my team-members. Blah blah blah.

I think the question now is how do I navigate this effectively? Right now, I am totally pissed off. Pissed off at the company for putting me in this position. Pissed of that my new manager and I have to stumble through this together. The uncertainty makes me crazy. The feeling like there is no acknowledgement of any kind, one way or the other. I have days where I know I should probably be updating my resume and looking and others where I feel like I’d be a fool to leave the company over something that is probably resolveable. I just don’t know how to go about resolving it.

First, I probably need to identify what the real issue is here. I can’t just go to my superiors and say “Hey, I feel like I am being totally jacked around here, wtf!”

I’ll think on that for a while. Suggestions, are more than welcome.

Bailey & Bella

A few things I can tell you about Bella:

- She was born on May 12th 2010.
- She is a faun "Chug" mix puppy with the same parents as Bailey.
- As of her 10th week, she weight 5.5 lbs, she weighed about 1 lb at birth.
- Bella & Bailey are approximately 15 months apart in age.
- I think Bella will end up being a bigger dog then Bailey, she is already growing very fast and has much bigger paws then Bailey did at this age.
- Her appetite is ravenous and she will climb over hell and high-water for a nibble of anything. Yes, she’s being fed enough and no, she does not have worms.
- Bella is proof that pugs are born moochers. We’ve considered renaming her “Minnie the Moocher” – The fridge opens, they are both there. If I am cooking they are patiently waiting for anything and everything that might fall in the process. If we are eating anything out of a bowl, it is fair game and you’d better watch out if they are on the couch next to you. This goes for anything that MIGHT be food as well, when I am washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, dusting, brushing my teeth… all of these things are apparently cause for begging. Makes sense to me.
- Bella is also proof that pugs are about the most curious dogs I’ve ever known. They want to know where I am, what I am doing and how long it will be before I be feeding/playing/snuggling them.
- She doesn’t like it when I leave the room. Period. She follows me everywhere and hates being left in her crate alone. I have considered leaving them in Bailey’s big girl “house” while I am gone to help soothe Bella since they sleep in there together at night, but I am firm on the crate training individually thing. They need some sense of independence and separation and frankly, Bailey needs a break from the constant demands of her little sister.
- Bella does not quite know what to think about the cats. She tilts her head in wonderment and awe. Meanwhile, Pumpkin absolutely hates her (and everyone else except me, so it’s not personal) and Gaia glares and disapproves silently from her perch.
- She is friendly, loves everyone, but has a bit of trepidation about strangers and new comers. She loves Dave, her tail wags so hard when she gives him kisses it’s kind of pathetic. I think she’s a big ole suck up personally.
- She likes to play with squeaky toys (with no fluff, very dangerous for pugs, especially puppies) sticks, chewy bones, carrots, my flip flops, my fingers, my nose, my hair and Dave’s sunglasses.
- Bella is not scared of loud noises like thunderstorms or firecrackers but if the cat meows, Dave is on the phone or if I say something to her in my “Pug Voice”, she stops in her tracks and tilts her head for a better listen.
- Potty training is slow go, but we are getting there. What I want to know is how much can that little body poo and pee in a day? I mean really, it’s like a constant flow.
- Bella trots like a show dog. Very happy bounce in that one’s step at all times.

I’m sure more will present itself in time, for now though I will move onto the interactions amongst the two critters:

- Bella follows Bailey every where.
- Bailey follows me every where and has since day one.
- If Bailey is out of range for any reason at all, she’s immediately on the scene if Gaia gets to close to the puppy.
- Bailey is unexpectedly maternal and nurturing. I am not surprised because she is kind and sweet, but she really has taken a shine to this little Bella and wants to be sure she’s got her eye on the little one at all times. For example, Bella was trying desperately to retrieve a toy from her crate through the side of the crate, via the bars that separate the door and crate liner. Bella gave this a few tries and began whining because she couldn’t reach it, Bailey watching her the whole time. After several minutes of this nonsense, Bailey calmly went into the crate (through the door, DUH PUPPY HELLO!) picked up the toy with her teeth, walked out of the crate and dropped it in front of Bella, looked at the toy, looked at Bella and barked. I was SHOCKED, not only because I was like holy crap Bailey is SMART but also b/c it was obviously a “hey, this is how you do it” or “awww baby, I will take care of you” - so I’ve been watching for more of this behavior and let me tell you, it is heavily engrained in their interaction. Bailey momming Bella and Bella watching everything Bailey does for guidance and cues on how to behave.
- I’ve also noticed a more protective stance from Bailey when it comes to other dog SOUNDS, not actually meeting other dogs because they both do great with other dogs after the appropriate amount of sniffing and sizing each other up. However, if there are disembodied dog sounds or a dog on the TV, Bailey flips her top. Example: If we are watching a movie with dogs on it, barking or what have you, she stands in front of Bella, poofs up in her “I’m going to kick your ass” posture (which is not at all the threatening, poor thing) and does this gruff sounding RRRRRFRFFFFFFFF RRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Same goes for dogs walking by the house that may bark or pant to loudly.
- They lay exactly the same. They tilt their heads exactly the same time at the same sounds. Their tails curl and uncurl depending on their emotions and energy levels and almost in synchronicity depending on what’s happening. They both hate the water and there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, they won’t do for food or lots of praise from momma. Praise works great, but they are always looking for the food while I’m praising 
- Amongst other things, Bailey uses her rear end as a means of enforcement. If Bella is on her last nerve, Bailey will sit on her. If they are on the couch and she’s had enough puppy for one day, she pushes Bella off the couch with her rear end. If Bella is horning in on Bailey’s love time with Mom, rear-end in the face. Thus the reason they can’t sleep in the bed yet, I have visions of puppies being pushed off the bed in the middle of the night. Once Bella is big enough to use the puppy stairs, we’ll be alright but until then, I think it is in everyone’s best interest if I make sure no one is “accidentally” booted off the bed/couch. How’s that for passive aggressive.

I think the most important thing I can say about my baby girls is that I’m in love with them and adding Bella to our family has had exactly the outcomes I’d hoped for. Bailey is more stimulated, getting more exercise and seems to be taking this job very seriously and Bella is soft and awesome as puppies generally are. As for me, I get nothing but joy from the whole experience (sans the excessive poo wiping) and I make sure to get time with both of them together and individually. I will say, I do miss my lazy quiet naps with Bailey cuddled up on me. I do feel a little disconnected from her, but it will come through in time I am sure of it.

More pics soon to come.

XO

Baby Boys Turn Into Big Boys

Max left Saturday July 3rd. It wasn’t as traumatic sending him off this time around, admittedly a tear was shed and his absence is notable but it all feels ok. I learned from this visit that Max is searching and developing into the man he’s going to be and I like him a whole more than I did this time last year. His company is much more appreciated when he is not acting out against every thing I do and though there were a few insults hurled, I learned they are only used in case of emergency, when he feels on the defense (a gift from dad no doubt) and cornered. Which naturally, any 17 year old becomes when he receives unsolicited comments/thoughts/suggestions from a mother he no longer believes has any kind of influence over him. Silly child, doesn’t he know how a mother’s love endures the passage of time and distance alike? So does all the dysfunction, but hey no one said motherhood was designed for perfection, even if society demands something that cannot exist in one singular human being.

I also learned that Max believes he is now an adult and on his own and is making decisions accordingly. He’s not going to return to high school for his senior year. Apparently he’s got a job waiting for him in WY with a company truck and making a decent wage for that kind of work even by CO standards and WY pays crap so I’m not 100% sure I am buying this story. He has grand plans of saving money to move into his own place by the end of summer and much of what I heard was him still defending his choices (even though I’ve long since stopped asking him too) and trying to get it across to me how much better everything is for him there. Sometimes it feels like a dig, sometimes I KNOW it is a dig at me with some of the things he says and I nod and listen and ask questions in the appropriate spots because the reality is here people, the boy is going to be 18 in about 2 months and after that, not much can be done in the eyes of the law. So pleading with him to finish his senior year or even letting him know the obvious (that I am not exactly pleased with his choice, but I’m not surprised either) isn’t going to do anyone any good and would mostly serve to irritate us both. I am not helpless in the situation and I know that, but I also believe it is best to give him space and time to figure this out. I let him know I don’t totally understand his choice to drop out of school and begin working right away without at least getting his GED and starting some kind of vocational training. He then went right into how he’s planning on coming to CO and going to Red Rocks for big diesel and getting an apartment here and so on and so forth. So it really depends on the time of day you talk to him and how much sleep he got the night before because he’s so scatter brained about the whole thing he doesn’t know WHAT he’s doing, he just knows what he wants (a running vehicle, his own cash, his own place, etc..) and he see’s a way to achieve that in the short term. Youth is SO wasted on the young.

There may have been a time when I would be up in arms over this decision and gotten pretty heated in these discussions with him but it’s amazing what kind of perspective a mom might gain from some time apart from her offspring. Enough to fully realize that he is a person full of his own thoughts and dreams and hopes and aspirations, even in all of its short sightedness. For now anyway, he’ll figure it all out eventually and the biggest, most important piece for me is that I find myself not worried about him. Of course I worry that he’s not getting his kidney’s checked regularly or going to the dentist or who knows what exactly he’s consuming on a regular basis (more on that in a minute) but I can see it, he’s going to be ok and I know my nagging him or giving him the disapproving lecture about his future and all that crap that adults do to kids isn’t going to change a thing. He’s struggling to mature and learn who he is.

I see him, for the first time ever, as someone completely separate from me. It’s clear he also feels this way about me as I don’t feel nearly as harshly judged by him either. We almost seem to mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors toward each other in the respect department and I tell you, it is liberation of spirit and years of pent up energy. Sadly, it took us being separated so violently for this to be discovered so clearly, but here it is now and I’m going to embrace it for what it is now and let the rest go.

Apart from a few nights and lunches together, I saw very little of him but enough to know that he’s doing ok in this new skin and life of his. And so am I.

He is still a bit of a man boy though, I mean he still needs me to buy him board shorts and shoes for cripes sake, but Mom’s….they are good for SOME things right J

I also had the opportunity to meet several of his friends whom I find to be a pretty fine group of youngsters. Ranging in age from 17 – 21, they are all interesting and communicative and testing the waters in their own lives and I enjoyed them allowing me a small glimpse into their lives.

That said, the boy came home hungover more than once and is open about smoking cigarettes and pot. The pot, I could care less about. Who hasn’t hit the ganja at least a few times in their life time? The cigarettes I could do without and I took the hangovers as opportunity to discuss with him the addiction issues on both sides of his family (did my best not to lecture him) and shared with him my own experiences in this area as well as the food stuff (it’s all related) which he’s no dummy, he already knew all this and I think it was a really good conversation. He was very receptive to the discussion and I felt some sense of relief in knowing that the dialogue is open between us as I suspect he’s going to keep experimenting and I want their to be an openness between us on the subject so I can keep an eye on him in that regard. I have a keen sense and enough experience to know if he’s taking things to far.

Physically he’s definitely all “dood” now. Hairy and sweaty and big vein arms and hands. He’s also extremely tan because he’s taken to his father’s propensity for avoiding wearing a shirt whenever possible. The hair is also ultra blonde from all the sun exposure. I always told him he’s a California boy to the core and he would giggle, but now he tells everyone the same thing which makes me laugh.

And to answer everyone’s questions, yes…he asked to stay with me should he move back to Colorado. It would be a short term thing, though I am realistic about what “short term” means. He is not I don’t think, but I think it’s good for him to know that he needs to be on task and focused. I flat out told him that I will be happy to help him while he’s in school, but I’m not sure what my “help” looks like otherwise. I reassured him that obviously, if he’s in a dire situation I’m going to help him out and he’s always got a place to stay and a hot meal at my house, but I did kinda draw the line otherwise. I think he needs to know I am here for him always, but I’m not going to coddle him through all of this either. What a funny balance that is going to be! We’ll see, I believe in my heart he and I will work through all of this quite well. I have a lot of faith and hope in the boy, he’s done me proud and while I’m not 100% cool with some of his choices, I am 100% PROUD of who he is.

More soon about the pupps!
LOVE YOU ALL
S

Finally, some pics!

New Glasses

I SEE THE LIGHT :)

How do the weeks pass me by so quickly these days? I can’t quite figure it out but here I am, ditching work for a minute to write and catch my breath. I’m working way too much. Or is my job working ME too much? These new responsibilities are keeping me up at night less and less though, so that is a plus. I’m looking forward to a week off, that’s for certain. I intend to be selfish with it. Playing with the puppy, taking Max to movies I want to see (Toy Story 3 just came out – HOOORAH!) eating cheese and hanging out with my mom and the boyfriend. Simple bliss is the best bliss in my opinion. Next year, maybe I’ll go on a big vacation. Right now, homebound works just fine for me. As long as I am allowed to indulge in my selfishness, which I am so it works out great.

Max is a strange hybrid of man/boy that I don’t totally recognize. I’d say he leans more toward the man side, but occasionally boy pops out and surprises you. Example: He discuss openly many adult-ish decisions he’s considering with me, including possibley dropping out of high school and getting his GED so that he may persue working and/or some kind of vocational training yet he still eats peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Any mature adult would know that you should always at least use a spoon, jeesh.

Another example? Last night he didn’t get home until almost midnight and this morning he called to ask me if he should cook the pizza on the top or medium shelf in the oven.

At this rate, it’s a wonder any of us grow up and can actually cook for ourselves. I swear I taught this child how to cook. Well, I tried anyway.

It’s quite interesting, this new animal. I like it. It’s not like any other relationship. He talks to me now. About real things, about things going on his life and how he feels about things. That’s an unexpected result from 6 months of separation. He’s also obviously much more independent, but it’s more than that…capable? I think that’s it, he’s able to get himself around and make decisions without consulting me (managing a frozen pizza excluded) and he doesn’t really ask for much of anything. Oh and he seems to have a much more real-world perspective on the actual value of a dollar. He’s helpful and respectful and other then him putting his disgusting sweaty man feet on me the other, not a snarky incident has occurred. It was tense at first, he seemed very withdrawn. He has opened up considerabley this week, that’s a good sign.

I am enjoying the time with him, even if it never feels like enough. If I had known work was going to explode in such a demanding way, I may have rescheduled his visit. This is life though and you deal and take what you can get and love it every minute.

The boyfriend has another job possibility. We’ll see how/if that pans out. I’d like to see him be somewhere a bit more positive and less like jail. Work is not jail people, let’s just clarify that please. Wait a second…how many hours did I work last week? Hrm….

The car is lovely. It still smells new inside and doesn’t all feel like mine yet. It’s a pretty drastic change from my sportier car days. Would have been nice to have when Max was in soccer, it holds so much stuff. The gas mileage isn’t stellar, the AWD is though and since I do live where it snows and roads can be dangerous I feel l made a very good choice. Plus, it’s adorable.

Mom is plugging through life. I’m proud of her. This is all very challenging for her I am sure. Funny how having Max here has made me realize that I need to say “no” about some things and she doesn’t like it alll. At first. Then she gets over it and we move on. ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows my friends.

That’s it for now, pics soon…I got a new lappy waiting for me at home. Lots of hard drive space for pictures. I’m so good :)

Promises promises.....

My apologies to the friends and fam, I know I promised you all pics and a recap of Max's visit thus far. What a slacker I am :)

Work is proving challenging during Max's visit (of course) and I am working way to many hours while he is here, but it must be done. Let's just saying I'm working hard for the money...so hard for it honey!

Not to mention lots of prep for the big bbq this weekend, which should result in LOTS of pics and then I'll be on vacation the last week of June/1st of July so I should have some time then to get into the meat of life and life with Max (however brief it may be) AND we'll have new puppykins around that time so I'm sure life is going to speed up long before it slows down again.

Anyway, things are going swimmingly...Max is way to grown up for 17. But it's all good, just another change we all must adapt to, no? The people we love growing and aging I mean.

More to come, promise..thanks to all for your patience.

XO
S

Bailey Boo Boo

Per MANY requests, I am finally posting some recent pics of Bailey....

PS: New Puppy comes home June 25th, met her the other day...she's just...well she's just painfully cute, it's just wrong really that these things exist in the world, you know? It's like how am I supposed to take things seriously with THAT floating about? Seriously>

PPS: Selling Baby Jetta, bought a new car that I absolutely ADORE...it's like um, well...it's a little bit like being a spoiled brat AND it helps me get my credit back on track. What a good poo poo I am.

Bailey & The Shirt's

Setting:
Warm spring evening, walking Bailey in the local park. Lots of children, lots of other dogs, beautiful tulips blooming everywhere’s.

Players:
Bailey
Bailey’s Lead/Harness
Mom
Red Shirt – adorable chubby dark eyed boy of approximately 8 years of age on pink girl’s bicycle with purple ribbons
Blue Shirt – adorable thin blond boy of approximately 10 years of age on red manly bicycle 3x times to small for his frame (clearly the leader)

Scene 1:
Bailey: Happily trying to walk herself by tugging on her own lead, snorting, sniffing and otherwise being the curious little Chug that she is.

Mom: Enjoying the bright red tulips on the park, listening to the children laughing and playing, gently guiding the wee dog around the park.

Red Shirt: Following Blue Shirt as he circles cement sidewalk that encloses playground equipment/sand pit.

Blue Shirt: Yelling at Red Shirt to hurry it up or they’ll miss the ice cream man.

Scene 2:
Blue Shirt: Spots Bailey and stops dead in his tracks with a look of total shock, mouth open, eyes wide.

Red Shirt: Almost crashes into Blue Shirt and cusses in Spanish.

Bailey: Spots squirrel in tree and Pomeranian across the street and is having difficulty determining which is of more interest.

Mom: Watching the Shirt’s watch Bailey with growing humor.

Scene 3:
Blue Shirt: Says something to Red Shirt.

Red Shirt: Shakes his head and they both eye Bailey.

Bailey & Mom: Stop at a tree so Bailey can assess the damage from previous puppies, Mom watching the Shirt’s, wondering what they are up to.

Blue Shirt: Sprints toward Bailey & Mom.

Red Shirt: Pedals rapidly in tow.

Scene 4:
Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Come to a screeching halt less than a foot away from Mom & Bailey, breathless.

Mom: Tightens Bailey’s lead and is on guard (children and large dogs usually have the best of intentions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t explicitly dangerous to small trusting wiggling bodies.)

Bailey: Finally notices the shirts and looks up to acknowledge that they are there, but is still actively sniffing.

Red Shirt: Timidly asks “What is that?”

Blue Shirt: Less timid “YEAH, what the heck IS that thing?”

Scene 5:
Mom: Laughs and laughs.

Bailey: Sniffs and sniffs.

Blue Shirt: “Is that a HUGE guinea pig?”

Red Shirt: “That’s a guinea pig, I can tell cuz I have one at home.”

Mom: “Actually, it’s a dog, her name is Bailey and she’s a Pug/ Chihuahua mix.”

Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Looking dubious “Can I pet it?”

Mom: Gives the lead a little slack and says “Sure, she’s very nice and loves everyone. Just please be gentle, she’s very small.”

Bailey: Lunges toward the Shirt’s and starts whimpering, shaking her little pig tail and jumping up in absolute glee.

The Shirts: Takes off running, screaming, one of them says “That was the biggest guinea pig I have ever seen, oh my god! Did you see its teeth?”

Mom: Giggling madly, walks Bailey home and reminds her of what audacious little creatures young boys are and that there are far worse things to be mistaken for then a guinea pig.

True story, swear!

guess what guess what guess what guess what?

The puppy gods have shined upon me!

Bailey is getting a sister. Her momma had another litter on Wednesday with the same poppie, there are 2 fawn females and 3 black (2 female, 1 male) and I have requested a fawn female. Apparently, I’m at the top of the list so I have a good chance of getting this little girl and even though they aren’t litter mates, Bailey will soon be joined by her very own sister approximately one year after I got the little Bailey Boo Boo’s.

For those of you who don’t what the fawn coloring is, here is a sample, on the right:


You’ll notice the little black one on the left? That’s how Bailey was as a puppers, can we IMAGINE how cute our new little puppasarous is going to be?

I am giddy with excitement. The cuteness truly is almost unbearable.

She won’t be able to come live with us until she is weaned, about 8 - 10 weeks so we are looking at late June or early July. Luckily, Bailey’s momma’s momma cuts my hair, so I’ll get to see our new puggie in about 3 weeks  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

More to come as details unfold.

Self-preservation or selfish-ness?

Self-preservation or selfish-ness?

What is the difference between an act of self-preservation and an act of pure selfish-ness? I suppose I should probably know the difference in some innate way, it should be obvious, no?

For me, however, the lines are often blurred because I sometimes struggle with understanding the how’s and why’s of doing what is right and what is right for me. I am equally confused as to why so often, these two things don’t always seem to mesh as well I’d like.

A good example of this is my time and energy. I am so fortunate to have such a lovely base of loving friends, family and colleagues who wish to include me so actively in their lives. I appreciate them all dearly and I do my very best to attend important functions and spend time with each and every one of them individually as often as is possible. There have been times, that I simply cannot commit to much more than I feel I can handle in a given time period. I sometimes find myself so over-scheduled that I end up canceling last minute due to an illness, work demands, familial situations or I just can’t do it all and be present all of the time. These are the times I loose sight of being able to nurture myself and my own needs, which runs me down.

On the flip side, when I don’t commit to social events and one-on-one time with folks, I get this sense that I am not engaging adequately in my relationships with each of these individual groups respectively, which then turns into this sense of inadequacy and that I will suddenly not be liked for doing what I feel is right for me in that moment, and that is very frustrating for me.

I’ve had a few situations in which I know have disappointed folks and have even lost friends as a result of my not being able to give them what they seem to need from me in return. Perhaps I am too selfish with myself and my time these days?

I have taken some time to really reflect on this and a large part of me feels really resentful towards those who have hassled me for not committing or canceling and partly, this causes me to want to withdraw or commit to much activity, because let’s face it, time is a precious commodity and I feel as if I am struggling simply to identify where my time is best being spent and when I am overly committed, it totally squeezes the life out of me and overwhelms me. I also see area’s in which I can improve in this area, perhaps simply by just admitting to myself and others what I have the time and energy for and being ok with that and accepting their reactions for what they are and letting the chips fall where they may.

This may seem valid, but I can tell you that there have been times when I’ve not committed or gone b/c I simply didn’t want to. Is that ok? Is it really? Does this make me some kind of flake because sometimes, I’d just rather be doing what I want to be doing? Somehow, I’ve just never really thought I was that important in the lives of others that they would be pissed off if I didn’t come out this one night or because I’m not going to spend my Saturday at their 2nd cousin’s Saturday morning baby shower? I am always there for the important events, if someone needs me to help them move, I show up. If someone is in the hospital or just broke up with their partner or their dog died or are having problems with their kids or are having an art exhibition or if they simply say, “Sarah, I need you right now.” I’m there. If nothing else, I am old reliable when it comes to the big stuff and I don’t do it because I want something in return, I do it because it’s the right thing to do. That’s what a solid person is to me, the one’s who are there for you when the shit hits the fan and show up on time most of the time even when it’s not hitting the fan.

Energy wise as well, I find myself feeling a little reclusive. There was a time in my life where I had all the energy in the world to engage with individuals on whatever level might be needed and I have always been highly adaptable in that regard. As I get older, maybe I’m just not as resilliant? I don’t know, but I find myself really not having the energy sometimes to do deal with the demands of a certain parental figure or someone I may barely know but seems to suddenly be latching on for dear life. I just feel totally sucked dry sometimes and I can’t help but feel that this isn’t a healthy interaction with another person. I know it’s not because I have relationships that are so seamless, simple and loving at the same time that I never feel taxed by them. Even the ones in which I have occasional conflict or it’s not always perfect or we bicker like children, we all hurt each other sometimes and make mistakes, but I do know now that this is a part of loving someone sometimes.

I also get it that some of this is the natural growing pains associated with experience and personal growth. Our social needs evolve and change as we evolve and change and what I am finding is that the relationships I find most rewarding are the most flexible and with like minded individuals. I know I am not always an easy person to love, I can be handful at times (my boyfriend can attest to that) and I can be an unintentionally intense and needy person. On the flip side, I also know I have much to offer the people in my life that I clique with and grow with through the years.

I’m kind off track with all of that but it is related because I often find myself feeling guilty when I don’t put the needs of others before my own and then resentful when my own needs fall by the wayside because I’m out taking care of someone else.

Some of what has changed for me with Max being with his dad is that I am trying to refocus my life and look at what my future goals are and can be. My work has become increasingly demanding and though resistant at first, I now find myself happily plugging along and embracing my new career options. This could be a good fit for me, but I won’t know unless I give it my all and sometimes that means working a lot of hours and as a result, by the time my weekends come along, I’m spent and all I want to do is work on my yard and in my garden, bbq w/ my boyfriend and play with my dog. I don’t want to have company, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to feel like I have to do something after I just spent 50 hours working that week if I don’t’ feel like it. This is when I feel selfish, right here. Like I deserve to just do what I want after working all week and damned whomever can’t appreciate that.

I love a night out with my girls from time to time, I enjoy having folks over for dinner now and then and I have days where being in downtown Boulder, absorbing all the life around me is my idea of a great afternoon. But sometimes, I just need it to be on my terms and I guess I’m not always sure how to graciously let folks know that I am just not that social butterfly I once was and I am pretty content for the most part, just being at home, in my environment, nurturing myself and those closest to me.

All I know is that at the end of the day, most of the relationships I have and have had for many years are still the most solid for me and don’t feel overly demanding and I guess those are the ones I’d like to put energy into when I have it. I enjoy meeting new people and if it clicks, right on…but for the most part, I’m pretty settled into my new life at the moment I am loving it and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to nurture that?

The one exception is that every so complicated situation with ma dukes. Especially right now, she really needs me but I find myself feeling REALLY tired sometimes by it all. Resentful almost. I don’t’ know how to manage all of that really, I’m figuring it out as time passes but it’s a good example of my having a difficult time being able to distinguish the difference between selfish-ness and self-preservation. Does it make me a horrible person that sometimes I just don’t care and want to do what I want to do regardless? Maybe, mostly I think it’s me trying to determine healthy boundaries.

I can pinpoint areas in the past where I’ve been totally selfish, my relationship with Max is proof of that in some ways. I’ve let too many people come into my life and totally steal the life right out of me when I should’ve been focusing that life on those who needed it most from me. Perhaps that is another factor here, not wanting to make that mistake again and the fact is, I’m still healing and recovering in some manner from some pretty tough stuff. Much of my energy goes into that healing and I don’t feel guilty about that, not today anyway :)

Not sure if I’ve answered my own question here, lots of random meanderings here I suppose, but I know it’s something on my mind a lot recently and like all things, I’m probably going to be working to balance this issue for the rest of my life.

All for now. peace to you my loved ones.

Super quick….

Work is going good, I decided to view it as an opportunity rather then a challenge. What else can I do? Resistance is futile. Since this decision, getting up and going to work doesn’t feel so hard. It’s a good thing I received the divine attitude shift because I was recently put on yet another large project and predict some serious hours. These things pay off in time, yes?

A contract job fell into my lap out of nowhere, catch is it’s due April 26th which means I’m going to be adding a lot to an already full plate, but hey the extra cash never hurts. Especially considering the fact that Sean claimed Max on his taxes for 2009 and totally screwed me, didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, just did which is his standard method of “communication.” I am filing an extension and am unsure of how to proceed, I have every legal right to claim Max and I can prove that he lived w/ me the majority of the year, but I have to define how much drama is worth the big bucks I’m going to have to pay back if I don’t claim Max. It’s total BS, I am in no hurry for Max to grow up but the day that boy turns 18 will be a celebration for a number of reasons, I can tell you that.

Speaking of the man child, he sounds good, is trying to get school wrapped for the year I think. Only another 6 weeks or so for them, so the heat is on with finals and all I’m sure. I sure hope he passes them ok, I’d hate to see his senior year be harder then is nessisary. We talk pretty regularly, he sounds good, I keep things light as mothers do with teenage boys in this situation. He sent me a recent picture….see below:





In other news, yard work is coming up hot and heavy and the back yard is still a challenge. It’s just MASSIVE and really needs a lot of work in order for it to match the vision in my mind. Which also costs bucks, it doesn’t seem like a lot at first, but I’ve learned from these adventures before that those trips to Home Depot and Youngs Market add up dang quick over the course of a few months. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen w/ the back yard, it needs serious attention and funds of which I don’t have much of at the moment. However, my herb garden sprouts are already going crazy, I’m going to have much herb this spring  ha, that sounds funny…medical marijuana is legal in Colorado now though, it’s about damn time if you ask me. My flower bed is already producing forget-me-nots and some strange orange flower I’m not quite familiar. The wild flower mix I choose had about 24 different varieties of flowers and I expect this year I’ll some that didn’t come up last year, it’s like a little surprise every few days, something new poking through.

Ok, back to work….the CFO is here today and I ought to avoid getting busted writing in my blog.

Xo to you all!
S

Weekly Update

Hmm hmm, let’s see where to begin. I’ll skip the 5+ days I spent with what I now suspect to be the flu b/c it involves a lot of unplesasantness and besides, it is behind me now so who cares? Let’s just say this: I lost 5 lbs, Dave and I bonded over the great almighty porcelean god and questions about whether it was food poisoning aside, I will never eat at a certain salad buffet chain again. Blech.

Spring is most definitely in the air in Colorado. After a few mentionable snow storms in March, April promises to be a glorious example of the beauty that is the cyciclical rebirth of Spring. We could, in theory, still get a ton of snow in April…it’s been known to happen. I remember one in particular, on my mom’s birthday about 5 years ago that snowed us all in (literally) for about 3 days. So it does happen. It is, however, unlikely and even if we do get any snow it will be welcomed (by me at least) because not only does it help to keep this arid climate a bit moister, but it also melts within 24 to 48 hours of the storm b/c it’s rarely cold enough to stick around for long.

Side rant: I don’t understand people who moved to Colorado or choose to live here that bitch about the snow. Its Colorado people, it SNOWS here. Every year, at least 4-5 months out of the year, on average 65+ inces and it is critical to our eco-system. We are already being swallowed by the dessert slowly but surely, if I were these people, I wouldn’t be in to big a hurry to see the snow come to an end. Not to mention the ski dollars that flood our state. Besides, in between the snow it’s typically very mild and I’m sorry, but the occasional inconvenience is totally worth how absolutely wonderous a snow storm is. I’d challenge these people to live in Wisconsin for a winter. Get over it whiners! Suck it up.

Anyway…yes Spring is officially here and it always brings with it such a notable shift in mood it’s hard to ignore. Maybe it’s the playing in my garden (I already have a slew of determined wildflowers poking there ways out of the soil) or it being sunnier later at night so I have more time to walk Bailey or the sitting on the back patio with Dave, sipping wine and bbq-ing food (that’s on the docket for this weekend) or the warmer weather allowing the windows to be open and airing out the house. Mostly, I think it’s the growing stuff. I am all sorts of green-thumbed orientated these days (perhaps it has a little something to do with Farmville, which I am thoroughly hooked on thanks to Paula and my mother) and have all kinds of idea’s about what to grow and there actual for-sight to begin planting seeds now. I am working on an herb garden in 2 containers and will most likely do a few upside down tomato/strawberry plants and if I get real ambitious, I might try to a container full of peppers. The other big project is getting grass to grow consistentily in the back yard. My back yard is enormous, it needs a lot of love but right now I just want to get the grass growing and the lilac bushes in a manageable state. I need some more basic gardening tools, specificially a good pair of clippers, something with an extendable handle will be in order for the lilacs, they are enormous. I have most everything else, though I would like one of those little foam things you kneel on, my knee’s get wrecked after a few hours of kneeling. I also need new gloves, mine from last year are absolutely worthless at this point, there’s a huge hole in the thumb so dirt gets in anyway…what’s the point? Other than of course the fact they have little lady bugs on them and they are adorable. Oh that’s another thing, we have to spray for the wiggy wiggy bugs ASAP. My house was practically infested with ear-wigs (pincerbugs) and of ALL the bugs in the world…this just so happens to be the kind I have a serious aversion to. I won’t be dealing with them in droves again this year, it’s not an option. Neither is the spider problem…that has to be addressed as well, and soon. It was 78 degrees out today, perfect weather for those little buggers and their larvae. Luckily, I got over my whole “oh they are living things and we shouldn’t ever kill a living thing” issue from last Spring. After spending a summer with those little wiggy wiggy bastards literally swarming my kitchen and the suspected brown recluse bite, it’s every man for himself. I highly doubt there is a lack of pincer bugs in the world, based on what I saw last year so I have no qualms whatsoever. As for the spiders, well…I do kinda feel bad about those guys b/c they are really a functional aspect of any good home, they eat all kinds of bugs and it all works out nicely. But when the spider is a real bad ass like a brown recluse or a black widow, it’s time to act. Sorry fella’s (or in the black widow’s case, ladies) but I’d rather avoid an ER visit or a poisoned pet or worse….god, there are a zillion children in my neighborhood and both of my immediate neighbors have very young children, I’d better do my part in protecting them and myself. And Bailey!

Spring and all of its perks really are on the forefront of my mind these days. At work, in between the fires, I daydream about playing in the dirt and helping things to grow. The moist cool soil in between my fingers, the sound of the kids playing on the play ground, Bailey “helping” and watching it all slowly poke up out of the dirt and grow into something colorful and bright and vivid and pleasurable to the many senses. Purrrrr.

I day dream a lot at work lately I’ve found. Maybe it’s b/c Nancy announced last week that she’ll no longer be managing my team and she’ll soon be replaced by someone who is to be her “clone” – which is a totally ridiculous idea. That anyone could fill her shoes, but whatever….it’s a good business move and technically, it’s a promotion for her and it’s not like she’ll be that far away and blah blah blah…all that political correctness aside, I think it sucks big bug butt! I feel totally abandoned, I am having a lot of anxiety about what this means for the team and I know I’m not the only one that is so fiercely loyal to Nancy that it’s difficult to even fathom being managed by someone and then I had the MOTHER of all “this sucks” epiphanies…what if the new manager is a man. Oh dear GOD. It’s very likely, she’s the only female manager out of the 10 or so at our location and she kicks ass at it, but there aren’t that many Nancy’s just laying around you know. Crap. Then I soothed myself by considering that Nancy will be a key factor in the hiring process and she’ll take care of us, she’ll make sure our needs are met b/c on top of having all of her wicked skills and experience, this person will have to embody a certain vibe to manage this motley crew of misfits. No doubt, it takes a “special” kind of manager to look after a group like us. I promised Nancy I would be nice, and I will. Scouts honor. Doesn’t’ mean I have to like it. Hurumph!

I also find myself lately having a really sour puss over the fact that I have all this new responsilibity and yet no one seems to really acknowledge that I’m doing development still AND all the build management, nor has anyone made mention of the fact that everyone now treats me like a manager but here it is, a month later and not a single word about whether my position will change officially OR if I will be compensated accordingly. This week in particular is rough b/c my co-worker R, whom I often work with closely on development projects because basically I back filled her position when they promoted her (5 years ago on March 14th) and I am slowly but surely working up to the same level she’s at in terms of development, is on vacation so I’m getting all of her development issues on top of my work which is fine except there have been 2 production hot fixes to manage in 2 days AND a boat load of issue management tasks to complete, not to mention I’m trying to get this data converted into the new issue management software but am bumping heads BIG time with our 24/7 guys about getting the correct plugins installed with I am totally capable of doing, but process says they are supposed to do it but they are dragging their feet on it big time so I feel a little stuck in the water and damn annoyed by it.

Shew.

That’s when I retreat internally and fantasize about my garden and bbq’s and playing with my puppy and watching the sun go down with the man while sipping wine….Calgon, take me away.

Max news? Not much, we don’t talk much about anything of substance. We talk, in the technical way, a few times a week…but mostly it’s just about this or that or not much of anything and I’ll take it. Makes sense, everyone is settled into their routines and kind of moving on with our lives. Funny how that happens huh? Either I am getting better at managing changes or it’s just what humans do, we go on. Plus, it be stupid of me not to enjoy this time…I feel a little like a kid just graduating high school or something. I want to play and travel and not be responsible for much of anything, I want to try new things and cook and dance and eat and be with the people I love but have time alone too. And I’m doing it. Some days, like last week, I was feeling a lot of resentment toward work and responsibilities, b/c I have this little squeaky wheel of a voice that says “Max is gone, you should do whatever you damn well want!” which if it were up to me, it would mean taking about a year off of being home with my puppy and playing in my garden and taking cooking and dance classes, focusing on my yoga and my body and sleeping. Resting. A lot. just ME ME ME ME….but guess what kids? Life doesn’t work that way. So, I just scowl at my job on those days and get through it and go home and spend my free time doing those things I mentioned and that feels just about perfect. It took me a while, but I’ve finally opened up to the fact that I am adult, for the first time ever, without a kid, happily involved with a great guy, with a decent job that affords me some small luxuries (like seeds and soil and dance classes) so why not just enjoy what you have and mold your life into what you want it to be and still go to work every day, like everyone else….(cuz I don’t want to be like everybody else?) and be happy with it. I’ll get there, some day. Who knows, maybe I should be carefull what I wish for.

Back to the grind cats and kittens, duty calls. More soon, love to you all.