Wow, my blogging activity is a little lack luster these days, isn’t it? In part, it’s simply that I haven’t had the time or energy to actually write something that accurately reflects the current state of life these days. Not really sure I do today either, but I ought to at least give it a try, huh?

The last few weeks have been a challenge on the relationship(s) front. In the matters of the heart, the Universe has surely been sending me some very strong and clear signals about loving, letting go and attachments. Loving in that I can see how love changes its shape and form through the duration of any given relationship, but it still remains if it was there to begin with. Letting go in the sense of letting go of the history that no longer serves me well and releasing its pains and resentments to the Universe. Attachments in general, but specificailly attachments to outcomes. The latter of which I seem to struggle with on the regular. I get so caught up in what I see the outcomes becoming that I forget to enjoy getting there in the first place OR that it may not even go down that way to begin with. In fact, it’s most likely NOT going to go down the way in which one predicts, so why get stuck to it at all? Silly, SILLY rabbit.

This is also a reoccurring theme at work. I was notified today that my position will likely take a pretty drastic turn in the coming months and I will be doing considerabley less development and being required to pay my attention more to configuration management. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. I like development and I feel I am consistently put on the back burner when it comes to new development for the company. Sure, I can manage all the legacy apps with my eyes half shut, no coffee and on 4 hours of sleep should I need to. But NEW development, that’s what I was really hoping for this year and now I’m going to be doing even less than I already do? Hmmmmmm, I don’t know about all that. Of course, the reality is that what I “want” and what I “need” are often two different things (why is that?) and I may not have much choice but to look at this transition as an “opportunity.” An opportunity to further my skill set in other area’s, there is a demand for “Configuration Managers” out there in the world and it would be a rather large transition in responsibility as well, so perhaps I should be flattered that my boss is considering me for the these tasks. Maybe. That or she just doesn’t have any other developers who consistently have gaps in their schedules b/c I am the ONLY one not doing .Net development on the new in house apps. I feel a small roar of discontent brewing over this new development, that’s probably obvious. To me it may represent a time to make choices and changes and I get anxious just thinking about that, so I should do what is best for now and that is, let’s just ride the wave and see what happens until reason is given to make decisions.

Love and life, it all kinda works the same doesn’t it?

I’m also starving and want to eat everything today, so that a surefire sign of hormone induced agony approaching. BOO FRIGGEN HISS.

We should start a “This is what I do when the Hormone Monster visits ME” website. As long as it says I can eat chocolate, potato chips and cheese all I want I’ll be the moderate AND no one will get hurt *wink*

The move of our office was a success over all. I’m eating blueberries in my new cube space, trying to decide if I really can wait until tomorrow to eat another cup. Berries and I, we go way back. Good stuff. Anywho, I am generally pretty happy about the new space and more than happy with the performance of our 24/7 team and the movers for expediting the entire experience and making it an almost seamless one for most of the staff. I know management is also thrilled that there was minimal down time and we were back up and running, being productive and moving forward with deadlines and planning right on time. Good job guys!

The new office is sunny and bright, with new cube walls and desks and furniture. The amount of natural light is probably the best thing that could have happened for all of us. The old office was a bit dreary and there were days when the gray cube walls, artificial lighting and obnoxiousness of that environment as a whole was a notable factor in the downward spiral of that particular day. The new space has many new features that I think we can all appreciate: bathrooms/kitchen separate from the common area, an actual break room with reasonably priced drinks and snacks (hey, we are a development shop, sometimes we ALL need sugar and salt to get through the day) and the machines actually give you what you selected and there is no lack of parking. The building itself is modern, only about 10 years old and is secure and has an on site utility staff – awesome.

Many things to be thrilled about! The only obvious downfall for all of us (except management of course LOL) is that we are all totally exposed to one another. It is a much more open environment and the cube walls are only half the size we are used to. In a nutshell, zero privacy. Not that you get much to begin with in ANY cube environment, but this is definitely much less than we are used to. In the old cube maze, the cubes had full walls and many of the staff were against walls and had a considerable amount of privacy. I, of course, did not…I sat RIGHT in the main thoroughfair for the development team and while I learned to ignore it, it took me a solid 6 months to get there. So, while I may be used to being this exposed, most of my team-mates are not and there is audible moaning and groaning. It is this developers opinion that the new environment might be a bit more condusive to actual team work, well…with the exception that the only other female developer on the team and I are completely separated from the guys. Was hard NOT to notice that little factoid, but hey, whatever. We have jobs, we are respected members of the team and now we have a 3 female member, a technical writer and that’s nice. It also helps, that the main boss lady, is a pretty inspiring woman…it helps.

So, some things to adjust to….sitting so close to members of other teams, hearing them talk, eat, etc…oh and I really don’t like the water. Ew. I might have to get one of those water pitchers with the filter for work b/c all the water here is tap water and while it’s nice to have a water machine and an ice maker, it’s no good when the water is THORNTON water. Yick. I suppose complaining about this makes me a total princess, I mean cripes, there are people in Haiti right now with no clean water…I should shut up.

Oh oh and another AWESOME MOST FANTASTIC AMAZING thing? No vent over my desk. No black stuff spewing out on me when the air turns on. No sneezing and hacking. The office is the perfect temp in my opinion, it’s good stuff.

I have a lovely sun beam on my desk as we speak….helllooooo sun beam. *pet pet*

Personal life swims along. There is some drama in the Sean field, but when isn’t there? He already filed his taxes and guess what? He claimed Max. Of COURSE he did, right? Don’t know why I was so shocked. Luckily, I fumed a bit and emotionally spanked myself for not thinking of this when Max went out to WY in the first place and then I let myself off the hook. The situation at the time was tense at best, I didn’t have my wits about me so whatever. It’ll all be dealt with in time. I’m far to happy to let that man have power over me any more. The only fears I have are related to Max, if any fallout from my responses to Sean’s behaviors will affect the boy. I sure hope not, but on the flip side, I can’t control that either. Max made his choice. I am making mine. What else can we do?

My birthday was really wonderful. Much celebration and good wishes from loved ones, I still have an entire table full of “loot” on display and I plan to keep it there for a bit longer. All those glittery cards and trinkets from those out in the world who think of me make me feel really warm and loved. Someday, I’ll get better about giving that love back.

I’m off for now, Bailey needs a walk. She’s getting fat as was pointed out by my vet friend the other night to which I responded, “She’s not FAT, she’s happy and we walk regularly so thbhghgghttt” so I have to keep up on that so I don’t feel guilty about my dog getting chubby. Can I help that our favorite thing to do together is take short walks together, eat snacks, play on the couch and snuggle on lazy Sunday mornings?

Love to you all
S

PS: Dream Fairy…you really have outdone yourself as of late. I dreamed last night that my Aunty MB had this long flowing white hair and I was spending the weekend at her house, but I’d forgotten to get someone to watch my cats in my absence and Bailey kept telling me “Momma, don’t worry…they’ll be fine…now let’s go swimming with the whales!”

Good times.

Dave N Sarah:



Bailey Boo Boo:

Babies

Babies

Rose is far more efficient at sending out pictures of Clark than I ever was with Max. Although, I would like to point out that the technology available to do so today wasn’t really around when Max was that age, or at the very least, I was far less accessible and affordable. But I won’t hold that against her 

This Clark thing gets me thinking a lot about biology and how babies do this weird thing to me. My baby makin’ days are long over, unless by some miracle of the Universe (because it really would take one at this point and I would have to hope that the powers that be might be extra kind at this stage in the game), I am 100% sure I won’t be having any more babies, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely do not. I like other people’s babies just fine, especially when I can give them back.

Now that THAT is clarified, these images of Clark spark strong biological stirrings to be closer to him and his momma. I simply cannot deny that it’s real and it happens every time I see his little soft baby face and Rose smiling like a shiny new momma right next time. The pics I have of him on my fridge remind me that I have a sister and a nephew out there and she’s the only sister I’ve got and who knows, there might be more nephews/nieces, but man…this thing feels really big to me sometimes.

So I ponder the basics like, “Well it’s not that far to Texas from CO“ and “Theoretically I could drive there over long weekends.“ and “I have to hurry, he’s going to be all grown up before I see him!” because you know that’s how it works right? Babies? They grow up over night. If you don’t catch them while they are cute and wrinkly and soft and smell good, they grow up into teenagers who are still cute, but don’t always smell so good and are definitely NOT soft or wrinkly. The clock is a’tickin’ me thinks!

This doesn’t happen with everyone’s babies. I have several friends with brand spanking new babies and I like to hold them and look at them watch them do their little baby thing, but I’m not longing to hold them or hear all the details about childbirth and what it’s like for the new momma to have an infant. Nope, that only happens when I think of Rose and Clark. I mean, all the sudden I want to knit him a blanket and buy him baby clothes and when I see baby stuff in the store I’m oohing and ahhing.

Kristen and I talked about this at length recently as her brother and his wife were pregnant (lost the baby sadly) but we were all very excited and she mentioned she was having similar reaction. So, I don’t think I’m like completely crazy or needy or anything for feeling this way. I am just not sure how to manage it. Because we aren’t close (in all ways, physically tangible or otherwise) and the truth is that it might seem a bit odd to her if I was suddenly trying to be all up in her business after all this time. Thing is, I don’t care any more. That’s the crazy part. Something about this baby makes me want to be there, in her life, in his life, to hear the details and be there when the challenges strike. It feels like a calling of sorts.

Maybe I have aspirations of being a rockin’ Aunty like mine are, because goodness knows I have about the best examples on the planet on how to “Aunty” someone. Perhaps now that I AM someone’s Aunt, I can look at the amazing role MY Aunts have played in my life and want to strive to be that for someone else. Maybe not now nessisarly, but some day.

I keep thinking of how cool it is to know a child from the time they are infants until they are grown. Case in point, Kristen’s daughter Bethany. That little girl has grown into a lovely young woman, her birthday is next week (17 gasp) and I feel honored to know her and to have such history with her. After all, I literally did change her diapers, feed her baby food, burp her and let her puke all over me. I’ve seen her cry, laugh, grow, test all of us (she’s an Aquariaus just like me, same day and everything…she comes by it honestly) and now she is a sweet, beautiful young woman and I can look at her and still see what she was like as a child. We all practically lived together, while the kids were between 6 and 11 or so and Max and Bethany are bonded. We do family things together, birthday parties, holidays, etc every year. Bethany calls me when she needs computer help or wants me to help her with her computer lab homework. I cannot predict what the future holds for any of us, but I cannot fathom a reason why I wouldn’t at least be privy to what’s going on B’s life via Kristen over the years. I like that. I’m growing up and seeing the children I’ve loved grow up too.

Maybe all these reasons are why I want to be closer to Rose and Clark. Now, how to go about seeing what I can do about it? Finances could prove problematic (traveling is SOOOO expensive) but I can’t let that be a deterrent. We’ll see, it’ll come to me I’m sure. Always does.

Work/Life

Work

I definitely should talk about work a little. It’s been a steady flow of activity since right around Thanksgiving. Not only have we been inundated with bug fixes (it’s part of the cycle as any software developer knows) because we had a large revision go live to our core application in October, but my supervisor and our senior developer are bouncing around trying to accommodate a new client/project via phone conference, travel and online communications., This is incredible for business (this cold be out biggest client in the history of the company) but it’s also something the entire team will be included on once the requirements are written and finalized. We are also hiring up to 9 contract people to assist in development which is scheduled to start February 1 and last through the duration of this year and probably well into 2011 as I’m sure there will be at least 2 or 3 iterations of the application as a whole. Big, big, exciting news. The draw back you might ask? Well, for one, my supervisor has more than is reasonable on her plate, so she’s working really long hours and it can be rather difficult to actually talk to directly because she’s always in meetings, on the phone or totally engrossed in whatever she’s doing. She handles it like a pro, and I as always, I’m fascinated by her abilities. Some people are just born leaders, it’s really true. Secondly, they are trying to hire these contractors and that’s always a bowl of cherries. Hiring people STINKS because it’s always a gamble. All too often, we end up with contractors who are not qualified for the project or are overqualified and want to make a bajillion dollars (which doesn’t happen here btw, it runs like a non profit in the sense that you don’t make as much cash but there are other benefits and the contractors often don’t see those benefits b/c they aren’t full time employee’s) so even in this economy where people are really struggling for work, we seem to not end up with a properly qualified candidate with reasonable pay expectations. Thus, it’s not really anyone’s favorite thing around here, to hire people. I think that’s why most of the developers here stay a long long time, you are either a good fit, or you aren’t.

On top of that, we are moving office spaces at the end of the month which comes with its own challenges. The reward is the new office space itself. It’s lovely, modern (building is only 10 years old) and much more secure than our current building. We recently had a series of auto smash n grabs these past few months, in the middle of the day, very bold. Not only were what someone might deem valuable like an GPS system or an iPod, but one women lost her purse with all her kids pictures in it. Not cool man, not cool at all. On a side note, I’ve had several friends have their cars broken into lately, times are tough out there. Sad 

The new office totally kicks serious ass and we are all excited. For my own personal reasons, I’m REALLY hoping the new office will help w/ my ongoing illnesses. My current office is very poorly ventilated, I often come to work with black stuff all over my desk and when the heat or air comes on, I cough and sneeze and feel like totally crap for at least the next hour. I’ve complained, they know about it. No one does anything. Whatever.

Obviously, the aforementioned factors have added some environmental tension to the office I think, but for the most part, it’s all being managed well by both senior level staff, but also by our group. I have days here where I’d like to just walk out and go work at a pet store for minimum wage, but they are rare indeed and when I do an inventory of why I love my job, management and my co-workers rank high on the list.

Also, recently had a review. It was ok, not stellar like I’d hoped. There were some criticisms, but in after thought, I can see that this is to be expected. I’m officially one of “them” now and my supervisor expects great things out of me, and she expects them promptly. She’s not going to settle for anything less, so the message was clear. The work is good, but we need you to churn it out a little quicker Sarah Banarah. OKAY OKAY. Fine. However, she did save face by saying in my review that she expected turn around time on issues to increase exponentially as I become more familiar with the applications (other than the core one which I’ve been working on most of this year), database standards and development procedures. Which, again in after thought, I realized that she’s right. I haven’t been a part of the team as long as everyone else here; the learning curve has been high this past year. In any event, now I know what is expected. No real raises this year, I mean, I won’t sneeze at the one I did get, but none of us got any real pay increases. Which we all expected. The truth of the matter is, in this economy, we are all just happy to have jobs to come to every day and direct deposit pay checks. I’ll take it, thank you very much.

Life

I’d like to say that I’ve had profound revelations and am on the journey to 100% clean living and spiritual enlightenment. But I’m not and I can’t. From October to January 1st, I gained 10 lbs. I know partly, this was due to my mother being in the house (she FRIES everything in oil and drinks beer like there’s not going to be more at the store, hard for me to ignore that) and couple that with the seemingly endless amount of food and booze that are associated with the holidays and voila, I managed to pack on another 10 lbs. I forgot to loose the LAST 10 lbs I gained, so this is doubly frustrating. These past few weeks, I’m trying to get back on track or at the very least, not scarfing down like there’s no tomorrow like I had been these past few months. I’m not putting a ton of pressure on myself, just trying to get realistic about loosing some weight in a healthy manner without restricting myself from the things I like to eat/drink. At least not 100%. Moderation is good, total restriction…bad. Very bad, make Sarah go bam bam!

The plan is to purchase a moderately priced treadmill and my hope is that between having something at home to exercise on regularly that doesn’t require much more than getting on it for half an hour a day and wearing what I feel comfortable in, in the privacy of my own home, along with cutting down the caloric intake, should make a difference in the next few months. We’ll see if I can actually fund a treadmill, it’s a pricy endeavor and no longer having any credit can really cause a girl to realize the value of what kind of money she actually has. Right now, I’m still catching up from Xmas and what seems like a never ending cycle of car repair bills. One thing I really dislike about the gym is…wait, a few things I really dislike about the gym: a) Everyone is stick skinny and I feel like a giant butterball turkey fruit b) At home, I can walk/jog on the treadmill in the same shorts I used to paint in last summer and no one is going to care or give me the stink eye and finally…c) I can listen to/watch/do whatever I want (whenever I want) while walking/jogging. Without distractions or obnoxious lights, etc..etc…etc…so, that’s the goal on that front.

Emotionally, I’m doing quite well. At least, in terms of where I’ve been in the past 6 months. Partly, this is me coming to terms with the reality of the situation with Max, part of this is me giving into forgiveness and compassion, part of it is my fantastic base of wonderful people’s in my life and part of this probably has something to do with Dave. He is a good man. He’s always there when I need him, no matter what, without question. He is loving, kind, works hard and our relationship is just…easy. We rarely argue, there just isn’t the kind of resistances I’ve experienced in past. He also spoils me rotten (did I mention the ring I got for the holidays and how he cooks for me whenever I don’t feel like cooking and does the dishes after too? Whoa) and it’s really hard not to like that. He just does things, I don’t even have to ask. He’s also very cuddly and everyone knows I’m a total cuddle monster, so that works out nicely. There must be a downside right? Yes, there always is…a) I, Sarah of the animals, can honeslty 100% without a doubt state publically state that I dislike his dog very very very much. No need to go into detail here, but this animal..well, I know it’s not just me. No one likes this dog and it really hurts me that I feel so strongly about it b/c I have never ever experienced such a situation. The dog is just…unbearable. So, this has caused some issue, but we are working through it. Dave knows what he’s got on his hands, I’m not the first person in his life to put their foot down about the poor doggy. I feel kind of bad for the doggy, he’s just a mess…but it’s Dave’s dog and they are uber bonded and. Which I can completely understand. BAILEY BOO BOO! I LOVE YOU – shout out for my AWESOME dog. Which she is btw, really…her bday is in February. There will be doggy cakes and hats. I’ll post pics 

The other issue is that Dave is extremely introverted and private where as we all know that I am not at all like that, socially anyway. I walk into a room and talk to everyone, meanwhile, he’s smiling and nodding and it takes him a while to warm up enough to actually speak. Lucky for me, my best friend of 20+ years is also an extreme introvert and I am pretty comfortable with it when it comes to our personal relationship…but the challenge comes when we are social with other people. I’m always so concerned he’s not having fun or that he’ll be uncomfortable some how. Which, he never really is, it’s all me being anxious about nothing. Plus, I’m learning that I don’t have to be in the spotlight all the time. I don’t intend to, but I realize that my personality is naturally boisterous and loud and enjoys engaging with anyone and everyone, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respectful of the fact that others aren’t built the same way. See, I AM learning how to be a grown up 

I’m still hoping to get out to visit the Rose Bud, but I am nervous about actually getting out of the state this year for a vacation. I want to see Paula and go to Yellowstone as well, so it’s sort of dizzying to think about making it all happen. I’m not a patient woman when it comes to these things. I want what I want, when I want it and that is usually right friggen NOW. I’m getting there. Or at the very least, get realer about who I am.

Off for now chickee’s….guess I should do some work.

Loves to you all
S

Finally, time to blog....

As predicted, this past month or so is a complete blur. Between Max’s visit, the holidays, work and some health issues Dave has been having, life feels a little more like a speeding train then the ambling, but focused railway car I’m attempting to emulate. I suppose I should start with Max because I know all will want an update on the subject and I can quite honestly say that I’ve not processed the visit yet. I do that, I sort of put the idea of “Max” in the back of my mind and try not to dwell on it too deeply because let’s face it, it’s a painful subject at times and living in that headspace can become debilitating for me. For some time now, I’ve been rolling with the punches and doing my best to continue to move onward and upward. But of course, having Max here for a week certainly made the reality of our separation a real one and while I do find myself missing him at times, frankly, a week long visit is probably just about the perfect amount right now. There is still a fair amount of tension between us and I think it’s going to take time and space to heal for both of us. We hurt each other, that’s the bottom line and based on how tightly joined we’ve been for his entire life; I knew the invedible separation of our respective lives would be a trying one on us both. I can also see now, that a lot of this WAS about his dad. Needing that connection, seeing dad as a way out of his responsibilities he had here with me and the expectations I had for his behavior. I can see a lot now that I could not that then and some of it is still pretty painful. Some of it makes more sense too.

So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.

Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.

There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.

There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.

In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.

Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.

Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.

There Will Be An Update

….coming soon…..

I just don’t have the energy today, I’m pretty burned out from the holidays and a touch of the crud.

Today is my father’s birthday though and I feel I should acknowledge that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how time and space can heal many many things, if you let it.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Daddy, sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I love you.

shew

It’s been a literal whirl of activity in the past month or so and I finally feel more able to breathe a bit, thank goodness!

Work has been incredibly demanding as of late and I dare say, it’s not been my favorite activity recently, but I surely cannot complain. As someone recently pointed out to me, the economy has everyone on edge and we are all having to work harder to prove our worth and justify the expense of our salaries. Mostly, I feel lucky to have a job, even if I am not always happy here. All positions have their ups and downs, mine just happens to be in a “down” period at the moment. My team is getting a lot of heat about turn around time on development and accuracy of code. It’s an ongoing issue, and not specific to just one developer (i.e..me b/c I take my work performance very personally) so as we all know, the extra good gooey stuff rolls down hill and it’s definitely been rolling into my lap these past few months. I just try to roll with it and take the good with the bad. My supervisor is amazing for the most part, I like the work I do and my co-workers are pretty cool. We are getting ready to move buildings, just across the highway from where we are now and I am looking forward to that. No more black crap spewing out all over my from the vents over my desk and new cube walls too! Plus, the building is beautifully done and considerably more modern then our current location. Moving will be hectic, as moves generally are, but I know we are all looking forward to getting it over with and acclimating to our new building.

Max will be here on the 19th for about a two week visit to Colorado. He’ll be with me until the 28th and then off to his Grandparents for the remainder of his visit. I am bouncing out of my skin with excitement, as well as some apprehension and anxiousness. It’s been five months since we last saw one another and that’s long enough for me to sense changes in us both. It’s not like I will forget how to wear my mommy crown when we are in one another’s presence. The boy has been part of me since the day he was conceived and you don’t spend 17 years being someone’s mother just to have that dissipate in a period of five months. I just wonder how the dynamic will change. How has he changed? How have I changed? In many ways, I find this whole concept of having him a few times a year and playing Disney Land Momma pretty enticing. The truth is that I feel much less pressure. Almost like I can let my guard down and enjoy him for a change because let’s face it, I can be that mom that worries and hovers and clucks when he’s in the house, under my roof and my responsibility. But, since that is no longer the case and I’m not the one responsible for meeting with his teachers and making sure he’s doing his homework and worrying about where he is and who he’s with and reminding him to pick up his room and do his laundry and blah blah blah blah (which in the grand scheme of it all, is relatively unimportant I know can now actually see that in reality and not just in theory) I do feel a load lightened a bit. Plus, I think he’s really grown. Sometimes I sense that being with Sean is what had to happen to help the boy child grow into a man child and find some sense of independence, not just from me, but from the grips of the “evil adults” who have surrounded him his whole life. We are such bastards. Only wanting the best for him and laying down boundaries. How dare we !?!?!? *giggle*

The really cool thing? The really really cool thing is that I know Max is a wicked interesting and beautiful person in there. Behind all that teenage acne and hormones and acting out. I’ve always known it and I adore him, regardless. Space, time and change can be a grand healer of many wounds. It’s something I learn time and time again, but am never surprised by. I’ll have much to report on this subject I am sure after his visit. One never knows how something will pan out, but I surely am looking forward t seeing him.

Many holiday events already passed and to come have kept me fat and happy this season. Not only is the food decadent, the wine flows, friends hug and laugh, life feels good. January is going to be a bitch, getting back to eating like a normal person again. So much holiday goodness to be had all year!

I expect New Year’s Eve to be quiet. Just Dave and I, dinner, maybe a movie. I like this Dave fella. He makes me happy and treats me wonderfully. He’s a good poo poo for sure. More to report on that as the situation progresses.

Rose responded with open arms to my visit idea. I am thrilled. Hoping to make that happen around the 1st of April 2010. Finances could prove troublesome because traveling is pricey no matter how you slice it, luckily though….Dallas tickets are totally reasonable and it only takes about an hour to get there. All I know is that seeing my nephew and sister feels important. Family is family and I find myself more inclined to put energy into building that relationship then in years past. She’s a mommy now, there’s a new baby in the family, hello!

I’m also hoping to take a trip to Yellowstone this coming year. It’s a total win/win vacation. Location = driveable, accommodations = camping fee’s/gear, pets = allowed, beautiful wilderness = check!

I’ll have to think about what my goals are for 2010. Going back to school feels high on my radar screen, even if it’s just one class a semester. There’s really no excuse not to in light of Max’s absence from my daily life. I know I’d like to loose some weight, exercise more….but I say that every year. Actually loosing weight is a pretty serious endeavor, especially at first. It takes a real shift in life style, especially after all these years of eating, drinking too much and not enough exercise. I feel more ready though, that’s for sure.

Ok, I should get some work done. Off for now my lovelies, love to you all.

The stunning Gaia, aptly gaurding the Thanksgiving gourds :)

News

The most recent news is that my mom has moved back up to her house. For now. I am not convinced that it is permanent; I suspect my home will be a haven for her when life feels intolerable. I’m ok with that as long as it does not become a pattern for any length of time because the transition periods between her staying with me and then leaving again are difficult. It also brings up a lot of weird abandonment stuff, which kind of pisses me off. Damn, that stuff is a pain in the ass.

Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.

The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.

The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.

Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.

That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.

Sigh.

That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.

I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)

Monday Update

Mary has received some very good news from the cancer center and I can’t go into to much detail, but the bottom line is that her chances are very very high, considering the type of cancer she has. She will get to be an “old” woman after all This was probably the best news I’ve heard in a while. Let’s all vibe out the good ju ju in her direction because it never hurts to have people rooting for you.

I should have my car back tomorrow. I am not going to discuss the cost involved with this repair. I’m not even going to put energy into that facet of it. I AM going to put energy into the various people in my life without whom I would probably struggle more than is nessisary and spend double what this bill is estimated to be. I appreciate them more than they ever seem to know.

Paula is going to be here in a few days. I feel like there is a little springy firecracker in my belly, just waiting to go off. I can’t wait.

I miss my girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with my mom and Max being gone and what not that I really have no time (or money, like every any more which I can’t figure out why) to see my friends.

Max is not coming for Thanksgiving. I suspected as much and again, I am choosing not to put much energy into the negative thoughts I feel washing over me regarding this subject. It IS disappointing, but I have to accept that life is changing and my delusions of control are crumbling. I have to be patient, work through it and realize that Princess Sarah does not always get what she wants, in spite of all her wishing and hoping. It’s just life and all in all, I really should not be wasting a second complaining.

Sean is suing me for child support and so far, seems he will win. Let’s briefly consider that I make probably double of what Sean does and therefore he will receive considerabley more than I EVER did from him, not to mention the fact that I raised Max on my own with help from no one for 14 years, but apparently that does not matter to the courts. I could be a bitch and tie this up in litigation for a while, but I can’t see me doing that. I’m just not built that way. I’m considering the karmic implications of this and have yet to fully understand what it could be other than to simply accept it and move on, knowing that I’m doing the “right” thing in the eyes of the law, which is suspect to me to begin with, but hey…whatever.

My cousin Krista had her baby on Saturday. Her name is Sophie and she’s the cutest little darling ever. Sophie is the first girl since Max to be born in that generation. Including Max, there were 7 boys before her. The generation before them was all girls. Just like on my dad’s side of the family. Genetics is fascinating stuff, isn’t it? DNA quandaries aside, this baby girl is a precious little monkey, just like her mommy was at that age. Babies are SO cool.

Matty is on the mend. I am grateful for that and I am eager to see what path his adventure sends him down next. It’s always an interesting one, that’s for sure.

My mom is fairing well. Everything in life with her is on hold and last minute in nature. Obviously this affects me directly to some degree and I’m doing my best to manage it, so far, so good. It is taking up a great deal of my time and emotional/physical energy, no question there…but all in all, I am quite impressed with us as a whole.

I am so looking forward to a weekend of good food, my nearest and dearest (who I am lucky enough to share it with anyway) and a little R&R. 4 day weekends are always something to look forward to.

That is all…oh wait, did I mention that my dog is the sweetest, most adorable little puppy that ever was? She is and I am thankful for her EVERY single day. I also got some fantastic pictures of Gaia chilling around my Harvest decorations, which are quite stunning in contrast because of her blue/black shades and the colors/shapes of the gourds. She is a stunning animal, truly.

Love to you all!

Rough week. Problems with Baby Jetta again. Not sure how much it’s going to cost to have it repaired or when that will happen. I love my car, it’s one of my favorite material things I’ve ever owned. The cost of ownership is excessive at times it seems, but such is life I suppose. It’s just the timing is always shit, of course. But when is a good time to drop a few hundred bucks? One could easily argue it wouldn’t be right before the holidays. Nice.

Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.

Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.

It's OK for me to not be a bubble puss!

Ok, I get it. Others are used to me being this kind if happy, breezy person and by nature, this IS where my personality sits most of the time. But even I have days where I just don’t feel like interacting and want to be left alone and I don’t think this is cause for alarm. This doesn’t nessisarily make me moody or depressed, sometimes I just need to decompress and need the space to do so. I don’t see what the big deal is? I too, am allowed to have days where I’m not the picture of a shiny disposition and that’s OK, it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. In fact, when you turn it around on you, it exhausts me even more because then I feel the need to soothe and make it “ok” for you.

This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.

I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.

That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.

Sigh.

Vent over. That is all.

pics of the nephew!

"Ohana" means family and family means no one gets left behind....

We watched “Lilo & Stitch” this weekend because a) It makes me laugh hysterically. I’m talking the full on, can’t help myself laughter that sometimes annoys people because it’s so high pitched and b) I insisted my mother see it immediately.

A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.

This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.

I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?

Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.

So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.

Bunch of questions

http://thingstobehappyabout.com

• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.

• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.

• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.

• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.

• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.

• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.

• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.

• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*

• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.

• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.

• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again

*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.

• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.

• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!

• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.

Halloween 2009

Settling Dust

Now that the dust is settling a little and I am able to think a bit more clearly I am seeing many positive and rewarding opportunities as these next few months play out. As follows:

1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.

2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.

3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.

4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.

5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?

6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.

7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.

8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.

Can’t…stop….eating….peanut butter m n m’s! rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

much to report, limited time.....

The party was great, until my crazy family took it to another level and the bumble bee turned into a killer bee and had to kick some ass. I’m so over it. That said, shout out to Mandy and Matt Fox for showing up with my new best friends Eric and Nick (smooch), Tammy & Thomas, Kristen & Bethany, Justin & Colleen & cutie little Evan and Paula for assisting with a bomb enchilada recipe that left not a crumb of leftovers for the next day. And a mighty mighty thanks to Dave for cleaning up the next day, I am rather impressed and pleased. He may have contributed somewhat to the assery of the night before, but at least the guy knows when to apologize and how to make it up to a girl.

An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.

Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S