It’s been a literal whirl of activity in the past month or so and I finally feel more able to breathe a bit, thank goodness!
Work has been incredibly demanding as of late and I dare say, it’s not been my favorite activity recently, but I surely cannot complain. As someone recently pointed out to me, the economy has everyone on edge and we are all having to work harder to prove our worth and justify the expense of our salaries. Mostly, I feel lucky to have a job, even if I am not always happy here. All positions have their ups and downs, mine just happens to be in a “down” period at the moment. My team is getting a lot of heat about turn around time on development and accuracy of code. It’s an ongoing issue, and not specific to just one developer (i.e..me b/c I take my work performance very personally) so as we all know, the extra good gooey stuff rolls down hill and it’s definitely been rolling into my lap these past few months. I just try to roll with it and take the good with the bad. My supervisor is amazing for the most part, I like the work I do and my co-workers are pretty cool. We are getting ready to move buildings, just across the highway from where we are now and I am looking forward to that. No more black crap spewing out all over my from the vents over my desk and new cube walls too! Plus, the building is beautifully done and considerably more modern then our current location. Moving will be hectic, as moves generally are, but I know we are all looking forward to getting it over with and acclimating to our new building.
Max will be here on the 19th for about a two week visit to Colorado. He’ll be with me until the 28th and then off to his Grandparents for the remainder of his visit. I am bouncing out of my skin with excitement, as well as some apprehension and anxiousness. It’s been five months since we last saw one another and that’s long enough for me to sense changes in us both. It’s not like I will forget how to wear my mommy crown when we are in one another’s presence. The boy has been part of me since the day he was conceived and you don’t spend 17 years being someone’s mother just to have that dissipate in a period of five months. I just wonder how the dynamic will change. How has he changed? How have I changed? In many ways, I find this whole concept of having him a few times a year and playing Disney Land Momma pretty enticing. The truth is that I feel much less pressure. Almost like I can let my guard down and enjoy him for a change because let’s face it, I can be that mom that worries and hovers and clucks when he’s in the house, under my roof and my responsibility. But, since that is no longer the case and I’m not the one responsible for meeting with his teachers and making sure he’s doing his homework and worrying about where he is and who he’s with and reminding him to pick up his room and do his laundry and blah blah blah blah (which in the grand scheme of it all, is relatively unimportant I know can now actually see that in reality and not just in theory) I do feel a load lightened a bit. Plus, I think he’s really grown. Sometimes I sense that being with Sean is what had to happen to help the boy child grow into a man child and find some sense of independence, not just from me, but from the grips of the “evil adults” who have surrounded him his whole life. We are such bastards. Only wanting the best for him and laying down boundaries. How dare we !?!?!? *giggle*
The really cool thing? The really really cool thing is that I know Max is a wicked interesting and beautiful person in there. Behind all that teenage acne and hormones and acting out. I’ve always known it and I adore him, regardless. Space, time and change can be a grand healer of many wounds. It’s something I learn time and time again, but am never surprised by. I’ll have much to report on this subject I am sure after his visit. One never knows how something will pan out, but I surely am looking forward t seeing him.
Many holiday events already passed and to come have kept me fat and happy this season. Not only is the food decadent, the wine flows, friends hug and laugh, life feels good. January is going to be a bitch, getting back to eating like a normal person again. So much holiday goodness to be had all year!
I expect New Year’s Eve to be quiet. Just Dave and I, dinner, maybe a movie. I like this Dave fella. He makes me happy and treats me wonderfully. He’s a good poo poo for sure. More to report on that as the situation progresses.
Rose responded with open arms to my visit idea. I am thrilled. Hoping to make that happen around the 1st of April 2010. Finances could prove troublesome because traveling is pricey no matter how you slice it, luckily though….Dallas tickets are totally reasonable and it only takes about an hour to get there. All I know is that seeing my nephew and sister feels important. Family is family and I find myself more inclined to put energy into building that relationship then in years past. She’s a mommy now, there’s a new baby in the family, hello!
I’m also hoping to take a trip to Yellowstone this coming year. It’s a total win/win vacation. Location = driveable, accommodations = camping fee’s/gear, pets = allowed, beautiful wilderness = check!
I’ll have to think about what my goals are for 2010. Going back to school feels high on my radar screen, even if it’s just one class a semester. There’s really no excuse not to in light of Max’s absence from my daily life. I know I’d like to loose some weight, exercise more….but I say that every year. Actually loosing weight is a pretty serious endeavor, especially at first. It takes a real shift in life style, especially after all these years of eating, drinking too much and not enough exercise. I feel more ready though, that’s for sure.
Ok, I should get some work done. Off for now my lovelies, love to you all.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
News
The most recent news is that my mom has moved back up to her house. For now. I am not convinced that it is permanent; I suspect my home will be a haven for her when life feels intolerable. I’m ok with that as long as it does not become a pattern for any length of time because the transition periods between her staying with me and then leaving again are difficult. It also brings up a lot of weird abandonment stuff, which kind of pisses me off. Damn, that stuff is a pain in the ass.
Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.
The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.
The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.
Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.
That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.
Sigh.
That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.
I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)
Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.
The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.
The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.
Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.
That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.
Sigh.
That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.
I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday Update
Mary has received some very good news from the cancer center and I can’t go into to much detail, but the bottom line is that her chances are very very high, considering the type of cancer she has. She will get to be an “old” woman after all This was probably the best news I’ve heard in a while. Let’s all vibe out the good ju ju in her direction because it never hurts to have people rooting for you.
I should have my car back tomorrow. I am not going to discuss the cost involved with this repair. I’m not even going to put energy into that facet of it. I AM going to put energy into the various people in my life without whom I would probably struggle more than is nessisary and spend double what this bill is estimated to be. I appreciate them more than they ever seem to know.
Paula is going to be here in a few days. I feel like there is a little springy firecracker in my belly, just waiting to go off. I can’t wait.
I miss my girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with my mom and Max being gone and what not that I really have no time (or money, like every any more which I can’t figure out why) to see my friends.
Max is not coming for Thanksgiving. I suspected as much and again, I am choosing not to put much energy into the negative thoughts I feel washing over me regarding this subject. It IS disappointing, but I have to accept that life is changing and my delusions of control are crumbling. I have to be patient, work through it and realize that Princess Sarah does not always get what she wants, in spite of all her wishing and hoping. It’s just life and all in all, I really should not be wasting a second complaining.
Sean is suing me for child support and so far, seems he will win. Let’s briefly consider that I make probably double of what Sean does and therefore he will receive considerabley more than I EVER did from him, not to mention the fact that I raised Max on my own with help from no one for 14 years, but apparently that does not matter to the courts. I could be a bitch and tie this up in litigation for a while, but I can’t see me doing that. I’m just not built that way. I’m considering the karmic implications of this and have yet to fully understand what it could be other than to simply accept it and move on, knowing that I’m doing the “right” thing in the eyes of the law, which is suspect to me to begin with, but hey…whatever.
My cousin Krista had her baby on Saturday. Her name is Sophie and she’s the cutest little darling ever. Sophie is the first girl since Max to be born in that generation. Including Max, there were 7 boys before her. The generation before them was all girls. Just like on my dad’s side of the family. Genetics is fascinating stuff, isn’t it? DNA quandaries aside, this baby girl is a precious little monkey, just like her mommy was at that age. Babies are SO cool.
Matty is on the mend. I am grateful for that and I am eager to see what path his adventure sends him down next. It’s always an interesting one, that’s for sure.
My mom is fairing well. Everything in life with her is on hold and last minute in nature. Obviously this affects me directly to some degree and I’m doing my best to manage it, so far, so good. It is taking up a great deal of my time and emotional/physical energy, no question there…but all in all, I am quite impressed with us as a whole.
I am so looking forward to a weekend of good food, my nearest and dearest (who I am lucky enough to share it with anyway) and a little R&R. 4 day weekends are always something to look forward to.
That is all…oh wait, did I mention that my dog is the sweetest, most adorable little puppy that ever was? She is and I am thankful for her EVERY single day. I also got some fantastic pictures of Gaia chilling around my Harvest decorations, which are quite stunning in contrast because of her blue/black shades and the colors/shapes of the gourds. She is a stunning animal, truly.
Love to you all!
I should have my car back tomorrow. I am not going to discuss the cost involved with this repair. I’m not even going to put energy into that facet of it. I AM going to put energy into the various people in my life without whom I would probably struggle more than is nessisary and spend double what this bill is estimated to be. I appreciate them more than they ever seem to know.
Paula is going to be here in a few days. I feel like there is a little springy firecracker in my belly, just waiting to go off. I can’t wait.
I miss my girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with my mom and Max being gone and what not that I really have no time (or money, like every any more which I can’t figure out why) to see my friends.
Max is not coming for Thanksgiving. I suspected as much and again, I am choosing not to put much energy into the negative thoughts I feel washing over me regarding this subject. It IS disappointing, but I have to accept that life is changing and my delusions of control are crumbling. I have to be patient, work through it and realize that Princess Sarah does not always get what she wants, in spite of all her wishing and hoping. It’s just life and all in all, I really should not be wasting a second complaining.
Sean is suing me for child support and so far, seems he will win. Let’s briefly consider that I make probably double of what Sean does and therefore he will receive considerabley more than I EVER did from him, not to mention the fact that I raised Max on my own with help from no one for 14 years, but apparently that does not matter to the courts. I could be a bitch and tie this up in litigation for a while, but I can’t see me doing that. I’m just not built that way. I’m considering the karmic implications of this and have yet to fully understand what it could be other than to simply accept it and move on, knowing that I’m doing the “right” thing in the eyes of the law, which is suspect to me to begin with, but hey…whatever.
My cousin Krista had her baby on Saturday. Her name is Sophie and she’s the cutest little darling ever. Sophie is the first girl since Max to be born in that generation. Including Max, there were 7 boys before her. The generation before them was all girls. Just like on my dad’s side of the family. Genetics is fascinating stuff, isn’t it? DNA quandaries aside, this baby girl is a precious little monkey, just like her mommy was at that age. Babies are SO cool.
Matty is on the mend. I am grateful for that and I am eager to see what path his adventure sends him down next. It’s always an interesting one, that’s for sure.
My mom is fairing well. Everything in life with her is on hold and last minute in nature. Obviously this affects me directly to some degree and I’m doing my best to manage it, so far, so good. It is taking up a great deal of my time and emotional/physical energy, no question there…but all in all, I am quite impressed with us as a whole.
I am so looking forward to a weekend of good food, my nearest and dearest (who I am lucky enough to share it with anyway) and a little R&R. 4 day weekends are always something to look forward to.
That is all…oh wait, did I mention that my dog is the sweetest, most adorable little puppy that ever was? She is and I am thankful for her EVERY single day. I also got some fantastic pictures of Gaia chilling around my Harvest decorations, which are quite stunning in contrast because of her blue/black shades and the colors/shapes of the gourds. She is a stunning animal, truly.
Love to you all!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Rough week. Problems with Baby Jetta again. Not sure how much it’s going to cost to have it repaired or when that will happen. I love my car, it’s one of my favorite material things I’ve ever owned. The cost of ownership is excessive at times it seems, but such is life I suppose. It’s just the timing is always shit, of course. But when is a good time to drop a few hundred bucks? One could easily argue it wouldn’t be right before the holidays. Nice.
Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.
Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.
Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.
Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's OK for me to not be a bubble puss!
Ok, I get it. Others are used to me being this kind if happy, breezy person and by nature, this IS where my personality sits most of the time. But even I have days where I just don’t feel like interacting and want to be left alone and I don’t think this is cause for alarm. This doesn’t nessisarily make me moody or depressed, sometimes I just need to decompress and need the space to do so. I don’t see what the big deal is? I too, am allowed to have days where I’m not the picture of a shiny disposition and that’s OK, it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. In fact, when you turn it around on you, it exhausts me even more because then I feel the need to soothe and make it “ok” for you.
This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.
I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.
That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.
Sigh.
Vent over. That is all.
This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.
I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.
That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.
Sigh.
Vent over. That is all.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
"Ohana" means family and family means no one gets left behind....
We watched “Lilo & Stitch” this weekend because a) It makes me laugh hysterically. I’m talking the full on, can’t help myself laughter that sometimes annoys people because it’s so high pitched and b) I insisted my mother see it immediately.
A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.
This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.
I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?
Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.
So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.
A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.
This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.
I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?
Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.
So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.
Bunch of questions
http://thingstobehappyabout.com
• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.
• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.
• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.
• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.
• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.
• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.
• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.
• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*
• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.
• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.
• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.
• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.
• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!
• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.
• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.
• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.
• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.
• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.
• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.
• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.
• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.
• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*
• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.
• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.
• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.
• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.
• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!
• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Settling Dust
Now that the dust is settling a little and I am able to think a bit more clearly I am seeing many positive and rewarding opportunities as these next few months play out. As follows:
1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.
2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.
3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.
4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.
5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?
6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.
7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.
8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.
1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.
2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.
3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.
4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.
5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?
6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.
7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.
8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
much to report, limited time.....
The party was great, until my crazy family took it to another level and the bumble bee turned into a killer bee and had to kick some ass. I’m so over it. That said, shout out to Mandy and Matt Fox for showing up with my new best friends Eric and Nick (smooch), Tammy & Thomas, Kristen & Bethany, Justin & Colleen & cutie little Evan and Paula for assisting with a bomb enchilada recipe that left not a crumb of leftovers for the next day. And a mighty mighty thanks to Dave for cleaning up the next day, I am rather impressed and pleased. He may have contributed somewhat to the assery of the night before, but at least the guy knows when to apologize and how to make it up to a girl.
An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.
Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S
An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.
Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S
Monday, October 26, 2009
An Update
Weekend:
Went to visit Mary. Will not recap that in as to respect her privacy. It is always lovely to see her, Daniel popped in for a bit. He’s grown so much. What a man he’s become. I remember when he was 7 years old and acting as the ring bearer for their wedding. Sigh.
Friday night Colleen and Dave came over, drank some wine, watched “Office Space”. Laughed, giggled and then there was a knock at the door. Will not recap this in detail either because it’s pretty disturbing, but a cat was hit by a car and it went under my neighbor’s car to die. I pulled him out because everyone else was too much of a wuss to touch him, which I later regretted because I cannot get the image out of my mind. Obvious internal damage, so I started crying and Dave and the neighbor guy scooped him up and put him in a bag for animal control. Blah.
Saturday we went pumpkin shopping and rented a bunch of movies complete with candy and popcorn. My pumpkin turned out like ass, Dave’s looks awesome. Guys are better at using knives I’ve learned.
Sunday, slept in and watched movies. The new season of Dexter rocks.
This week looks a bit on the nutty side, Halloweenie is Saturday and there is much preparation to be done! Both at home and at work. Cleaning, shopping (I’m cooking up a feast!) and more decorating. Should be fun. Pics will be posted of that for sure!
Went to visit Mary. Will not recap that in as to respect her privacy. It is always lovely to see her, Daniel popped in for a bit. He’s grown so much. What a man he’s become. I remember when he was 7 years old and acting as the ring bearer for their wedding. Sigh.
Friday night Colleen and Dave came over, drank some wine, watched “Office Space”. Laughed, giggled and then there was a knock at the door. Will not recap this in detail either because it’s pretty disturbing, but a cat was hit by a car and it went under my neighbor’s car to die. I pulled him out because everyone else was too much of a wuss to touch him, which I later regretted because I cannot get the image out of my mind. Obvious internal damage, so I started crying and Dave and the neighbor guy scooped him up and put him in a bag for animal control. Blah.
Saturday we went pumpkin shopping and rented a bunch of movies complete with candy and popcorn. My pumpkin turned out like ass, Dave’s looks awesome. Guys are better at using knives I’ve learned.
Sunday, slept in and watched movies. The new season of Dexter rocks.
This week looks a bit on the nutty side, Halloweenie is Saturday and there is much preparation to be done! Both at home and at work. Cleaning, shopping (I’m cooking up a feast!) and more decorating. Should be fun. Pics will be posted of that for sure!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
BOO!
This is one of those days I dread at work. Production Build days DOOODELY DOOOOOOOOO! Skerry. Everyone runs around with their jaws clenched and forced smiles and you can just see the buildings blowing up and smoke rising all around you as you walk through the office. This energy not only affects the admin folks, it gets everyone’s panties up in a wad and I, for one, think everyone not impacted by this should get the day off. Everyone gets snippy with each other because someone was snippy to them. It’s like a red hot set of dominos, tumbling down the hill and burning everyone in its path.
I am personally cheesed because SOMEONE (you know who you are fun natzi’s) blocked Facebook and now the firewall hates me. Is ok Firewall, I don’t really like you all that much either. I know you don’t care that I spend most of my waking hours in this office toiling away for the benefit of phone books everywhere and you aren’t concerned that things like Facebook and LOLCats might be my only source of happiness in between the before mentioned toiling. I know you think that anything having to do with Paganism is truly to terrifying or subversive for me to be reading and therefore you must protect me and my employer. Surely they don’t want some witchy woman looking up spells to cast on her general manager during her lunch hour because everyone knows that’s what we do, us crazzzzy pagan researchers….we walk around flippantly casting spells and worshipping Satan and sacrificing small children and bunnies. Kittens and puppies too. Oh yes, believe it! Clearly, a horrifying force is at work if I am looking up the exact dates of the solstice and moon phases. It is quite obvious I am up to no good at all and must be stopped.
Boogedy boogedy boo!
See, the flaming dominos fell my way and I erupted. It’s a nasty thing I tell you, all that negative energy floating around the office. I feel like we could all spontaneously combust at any moment.
Luckily, I plan to defuse all that raging fire by going home and fluffing up my nest a little and playing with the smooshy faced one. I see….hot tea and puppies in my future. A clean house, incense and perhaps…OH JUST MAYBE….I’ll start coloring my bumble bee’s :)
I am personally cheesed because SOMEONE (you know who you are fun natzi’s) blocked Facebook and now the firewall hates me. Is ok Firewall, I don’t really like you all that much either. I know you don’t care that I spend most of my waking hours in this office toiling away for the benefit of phone books everywhere and you aren’t concerned that things like Facebook and LOLCats might be my only source of happiness in between the before mentioned toiling. I know you think that anything having to do with Paganism is truly to terrifying or subversive for me to be reading and therefore you must protect me and my employer. Surely they don’t want some witchy woman looking up spells to cast on her general manager during her lunch hour because everyone knows that’s what we do, us crazzzzy pagan researchers….we walk around flippantly casting spells and worshipping Satan and sacrificing small children and bunnies. Kittens and puppies too. Oh yes, believe it! Clearly, a horrifying force is at work if I am looking up the exact dates of the solstice and moon phases. It is quite obvious I am up to no good at all and must be stopped.
Boogedy boogedy boo!
See, the flaming dominos fell my way and I erupted. It’s a nasty thing I tell you, all that negative energy floating around the office. I feel like we could all spontaneously combust at any moment.
Luckily, I plan to defuse all that raging fire by going home and fluffing up my nest a little and playing with the smooshy faced one. I see….hot tea and puppies in my future. A clean house, incense and perhaps…OH JUST MAYBE….I’ll start coloring my bumble bee’s :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I’m in high spirits today, even though J & C are moving to Utah for certain. I’m ok with it, but I will miss them. J and I have been friends for 20+ years in spite of our vast differences. It seems like a minor miracle actually because we really get on each other’s nerves and C and I went through several rough patches through the years also. Regardless, I will miss them and that baby. Evan is 4 now, unbelievable. I remember changing his little butt and rocking him to sleep many a night. I remember him trying to pull Sandy’s huge hoop earrings out of her ears and her realizing then and there that she would need to give those earrings up should she decide to have children. I also have a lot of fond memories with Max, J, C, and the whole crew. There for a while, we were thick as thieves. Ah, the people we love that come and go in our lives. The experience of learning how to love and release them is a challenging one, but one I’m getting better at navigating.
There are bats, pumpkins, ghosts and Frankenstein’s all over my house. I love Halloween. It appeals to that little girl in me that likes to play dress up and be silly. There will be bumble bee’s a buzzing, that’s for sure. Bailey looks ridiculously adorable in her bee suit, it’s almost unbearable. Mom and Jim might come down for Halloween with their dogs. Sillyness will ensue if that’s the case, Bailey loves everyone. Especially other dogs.
In other Bailey news, she was 8 months yesterday and I fear we are facing the terrible adolescents soon. Didn’t I just get one of those OUT of my house dammit? She’s starting some new behaviors, namely the whining and thinking it’s cool to chase the cats all over the house and throw her bones at them. She’s also become very verbal as of late, which I enjoy very much. She’s a pretty active talker and I spend a lot of time giggling over her little sounds. I’ve been close to animals my whole life, but this little girl is special and I am bonded to her in such a way that I can’t even stand the idea of being away from her very long. Luckily, she’s very mobile and easy to tote around with me. She doesn’t care for the car much I’ve noticed. Unless she’s sitting on my lap with her head out the window, causing a hazard for us and everyone else on the road. Nice.
The best news of the day tho is that Matty’s tests have come back negative for cancer. I don’t have the words other then to say that I love him and I am grateful for his recovery.
This news got me pondering the very significance of life and how each and every one of us is experiencing some kind of seemingly trauamatic situation at any given moment, but things like cancer and tsunamis’ can come along at any time and give us cause for consideration if we are lucky enough to make it in the first place. I dare say it got me out of my own head for a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the many blessings in my life, which in turn, brought me back to life. I need to remember these things when I’m wallowing.
Love to you all
Xo
S
There are bats, pumpkins, ghosts and Frankenstein’s all over my house. I love Halloween. It appeals to that little girl in me that likes to play dress up and be silly. There will be bumble bee’s a buzzing, that’s for sure. Bailey looks ridiculously adorable in her bee suit, it’s almost unbearable. Mom and Jim might come down for Halloween with their dogs. Sillyness will ensue if that’s the case, Bailey loves everyone. Especially other dogs.
In other Bailey news, she was 8 months yesterday and I fear we are facing the terrible adolescents soon. Didn’t I just get one of those OUT of my house dammit? She’s starting some new behaviors, namely the whining and thinking it’s cool to chase the cats all over the house and throw her bones at them. She’s also become very verbal as of late, which I enjoy very much. She’s a pretty active talker and I spend a lot of time giggling over her little sounds. I’ve been close to animals my whole life, but this little girl is special and I am bonded to her in such a way that I can’t even stand the idea of being away from her very long. Luckily, she’s very mobile and easy to tote around with me. She doesn’t care for the car much I’ve noticed. Unless she’s sitting on my lap with her head out the window, causing a hazard for us and everyone else on the road. Nice.
The best news of the day tho is that Matty’s tests have come back negative for cancer. I don’t have the words other then to say that I love him and I am grateful for his recovery.
This news got me pondering the very significance of life and how each and every one of us is experiencing some kind of seemingly trauamatic situation at any given moment, but things like cancer and tsunamis’ can come along at any time and give us cause for consideration if we are lucky enough to make it in the first place. I dare say it got me out of my own head for a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the many blessings in my life, which in turn, brought me back to life. I need to remember these things when I’m wallowing.
Love to you all
Xo
S
Monday, October 19, 2009
Happy To Report....
I’m happy to report that today is a much better day and that’s saying something for a Monday morning! I had a lovely, productive weekend full of playing with leaves (achoo, achoo, cough, cough), decorating for Halloween, watching scary movies that gave me nightmares (went to see “Paranormal Activity”) and eating lots of green chili and cheese. Yeah buddy. More to report as time allows, for now, see the following of Bailey from Saturday….my beloved little mogwai:
Thursday, October 15, 2009
How I Am...
I hadn’t realized folks were actually reading my blog again, so I guess I’d better consider that when it’s not been updated in a while
Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.
The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:
I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.
I am depressed.
I am exhausted.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.
I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.
I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.
Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.
I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.
My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.
I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.
Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.
So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.
The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.
My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.
The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.
Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.
The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:
I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.
I am depressed.
I am exhausted.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.
I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.
I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.
Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.
I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.
My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.
I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.
Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.
So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.
The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.
My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.
The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Apathy
A notable lack of passion about much of anything today. Some laughter though. I sneezed at my desk and pistachio went everywhere. Then I was laughing and sneezing and cleaning pistachio bits and snot off my monitor. That was pretty funny. The dog peed in the house this morning (winter weather brings a new set of challenges with potty training) and I felt myself going through the range of motions…oh no, what if this becomes a problem? Why would she do that after she was just outside? Freaking dog, now I have to wash my comforter again….grrrrrr.
Otherwise, I’m just sort of like meh…whatevs. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s freezing and rainy and supposed to snow tonight. I’m really tired today too, not a lot of sleep last night. Dreams keep coming in waves. They all seem to involve Max on trains, air plane crashes, being lost in New York City or driving off a cliff. They can be pretty startling, last night I woke up after the lost in NYC dream. The buildings are huge, you can’t see any sky and they are all very looming. I don’t envision NYC like this at all, in fact, it’s somewhere I’d like to visit one day. But, in my dreams…it’s a scary place for some reason.
Anyway, back to work. Blah, don’t even care about that today. I’d rather be at home, under the covers with the pee pee dog.
Otherwise, I’m just sort of like meh…whatevs. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s freezing and rainy and supposed to snow tonight. I’m really tired today too, not a lot of sleep last night. Dreams keep coming in waves. They all seem to involve Max on trains, air plane crashes, being lost in New York City or driving off a cliff. They can be pretty startling, last night I woke up after the lost in NYC dream. The buildings are huge, you can’t see any sky and they are all very looming. I don’t envision NYC like this at all, in fact, it’s somewhere I’d like to visit one day. But, in my dreams…it’s a scary place for some reason.
Anyway, back to work. Blah, don’t even care about that today. I’d rather be at home, under the covers with the pee pee dog.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Really?
Please don’t come to work if you are sick. If you have a fever, you shouldn’t be here. If someone in your family has the flu, you are supposed to stay home. That’s what everyone is saying. Please cut those of us with no PTO time left a friggen break.
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