A Quick Update

Started the big shake down this week, so far so good. I feel incredible. I have tons of energy, I don’t know why I didn’t start this a long long time ago. But I’m doing it now and that’s what matters. Already lost a few lbs, I won’t start bouncing around until that first 20 comes off tho I have a non-food/non-booze present for myself at that mid way mark….I’ve already picked out the jewelry and everything and I’ll just go to wear Max got his ears pierced, that guy did a great job.

Crystal’s visit was lovely. She and D were on the go for most of it so we only got together twice, but I realize I have to share so I don’t get pouty about such things. Dancing and bogeying the night away was just what the doctor ordered for this fruit. It’s nice to have D in Denver, all the more enticing for Crystal visit, how did we get so lucky here in CO is what I want to know? I miss her and Peck so much, friends like that just don’t come along all that often.

Max leave’s for WY June 6th, he’ll be out there through August 1st with a week long break in between at home for 4th of July. I have mixed emotions about sending him off, but I sense it’s going to be ok. More on that when I have more time.

I’ve signed up for a yoga class 2 nights a week for the duration of June and belly dancing classes for most of July and into August. Tammy plans to participate in the belly dancing with me, which should be fun b/c she is like master-sowing woman so she and I have plans to make costumes together. I cannot afford much more then that right now, I had to put the guitar project on the side until I can fund it properly. June and July have booked up pretty quickly already. I am taking full advantage of this time for myself which will include lots of physical activity, time with loved ones, time with nature and plenty of down time. If my energy level holds up as it is currently, things should go swimmingly….

Gardening is coming along; the back yard is still in maintenance mode. I’m not sure pumpkins will have enough time to seed if we don’t get it done this weekend and this is my last weekend w/ Max so I don’t know, we’ll see….I’d really like some for the fall though. Gardening of this magnitude does cost money, we need a weed whacker and loppers and clippers…..all in due time. We enjoy the back yard plenty. Front yard looks great, my seeds are starting to sprout, next Spring should be absolutely gorgeous in my window boxes…this year, we’ll see. Now that I have an idea of how the sun hits everything and where the shade is, I’ll be on top of it next spring.

I’m still searching for the perfect show to go to, haven’t found one yet….Modest Mouse is high on the list, as is Ween. Mile High Music Fest would be the ideal, I mean that would freaking rock, maybe I’ll find tickets under a rock somewhere, maybe the back yard while digging those big ole suckers up?

Still talking to doggeh case worker, it’s slow go, but it’s in motion. I expect my attention may be else where for a while, so it might have to wait till Fall. The really cool thing about life is that there is SO much fun stuff to be doing and trouble to get into that I just can’t help myself, I have to taste a little bit of all of it 

Happy Friday chickens, I love you!

Haven't forgotten about you dear Blogg

Life is busier then normal, wonderfully busy, but still not much room for blogging at the moment....more to come soon. xo my lovlies!

Memorial Day Shenanigans

Well, the weekend is upon us and I have so much fun stuff planned I can barely sit still. On the agenda:

Friday Night – Mall & Movie Night
I’m not a big consumer; in fact I mostly despise shopping of all kinds. However, every now and then I get a bug in my butt and like to spend the afternoon perusing stores with Max, eating mall junk food and we usually wind it up at the movie theatre. I have no desire to see much of anything out right now, but Mj is sold on the new Terminator and being that I’ve got 2, maybe 3 weekends left with the man child before he leaves for the summer, I can probably concede to a little futuristic robot war horror for a few hours in the name of hanging out with the kiddo.

Saturday
I have to work in the morning, big project trying to go live in 2 weeks, but getting requirements from the project manager on this project (not Nancy of course) is proving difficult. I could’ve written better requirements in 3rd grade, let’s just put it that way. He doesn’t take anything seriously, everything is half assed and he thinks everything is “easy” as in “Well, how hard can it be to just…x, y & z?” uh, yeah ok buddy….that’s why the average developer in my office is 34 years old and has an average of 10 years experience already. And that’s each pal, EACH of us have been doing this for 10 years already…AT LEAST that, most more like 15. So yeah….I have to do a little hand holding this weekend so I can actually do my job next week. Did I mention this guy gets on my nerves?

Saturday Night
Crystal, Dane, Peck, Randall, Melanie and friends….need I say more?

Sunday
I suspect there will be a recovery period, no one is DDing, everyone is either cabbing or light-railing the night before…this means debauchery. I’m so excited, I expect to do some groove thang shaking my bad self 

Sunday Night
Dave & Busters with the whole crew and Max. That should be fun.

Monday
Rest and hang w/ the boy….he’ll be gone soon, I want as much time w/ him as possible.

Bring it on! Woo hoot!

Tuesday Ramblings....

1. My male friends who are married keep telling me how great their wives are, how lucky they are to have such a wonderful wife. Also, based on what I’ve seen, wives appear to do many of the same chores and other domestic duties I do in a day…so I’ve decided I am going to get me one of those wife thingy’s. I’m wondering where to go about hiring/purchasing one? Do they have some that

2. Food is not friend or foe, just food? Wow…that’s a concept huh? We’ll see, week one starts Tuesday, Mary 26th 2008. GO SARAH BANARAH!

3. My son has been a teenager for almost 5 solid years now. The drastic mood swings and ability to turn for sweet to sour without notice STILL catches me off guard at times.

4. I feel a sense of relief that Crystal ended up riding w/ Dane out to CO. I know it was all very last minute in nature, but I know that drive can be long on your own and I know that those two need that time considering the amount of time Dane is going to be in CO. I am looking forward to my time with Crystal while she’s in town and promise to post lots of pics. I am also looking forward to hanging out with Dane over the weekend when he’s not riding or working or WOWing.

5. Life feels really good right now, things are still uncertain with Max for the summer, but other then that. It’s all good baby.

Here's A Thought

If it is true that when we die and go to the “Other Side” we are no longer flesh baring beings and only exist in the spirit form, this would mean that things like food and sex and the smell of incense burning or how music can change an entire day around or the embrace of my child or the sound of rain are no longer relevant? Or AS relevant? That the very glory of evolving into this higher being will supersede all of this fleshy fun?

I’m certain you must retain the memory of these events that bring such earthly pleasures our way. I have to believe that these things must be part of the benefit of being human and living life in the first place, like ice cream for listening to our hearts and trying to fulfill whatever path we are meant to fulfill. But why I would strive and struggle and pray that I might become a loving, forgiving, whole omniscient being after having experienced all these lifetimes full of really cool experiences only to end up on the other end with no peanut butter causes me some distress. Sorry, I am just getting used to enjoying myself and there’s a chance it’s only for a limited time? Really? How the heck does that work? That makes me want to become really greedy with all the earthly enjoyments I can stuff into one life time thank you very much.

My only hope is that if I ever make it there in the first place I won’t be nearly this shallow about such a gift as evolving into a higher being and becoming one with the Universe. I really wouldn’t want to disappoint whomever is waiting there for me on the other side or miss it entirely just because I am a total glutton for all things pleasurable. Sigh.

Baby's First Piercings :)

I hate it when that happens...

I’ve recently been inserting foot into mouth far too often. For example, today I made an insensitive comment to a friend that if I’d taken the 2 extra seconds to actually consider the situation, could have been completely avoided. Somehow, the route between brain and mouth has been bypassed. Either I’ve become that person who doesn’t care what she says no matter the cost to others or I am just not patient enough to take the time to analyze a situation before commenting on it. Either way, this does not satisfy me. I’d much prefer to be a kinder, gentler type of Sarah who friends and family and loved ones can turn to without fear of being lambasted by my word vomit.

Chalk it up to experience or yet another phase in learning about interacting and communicating with others, but I’m definitely on the road to silencing that voice in my head that isn’t always as considerate of others as it could be.

A Brief Vent

Cuz I’m in the mood to cuss a little, not because life is horrible but because there are some things you just have to get off your chest:

Pet Peeve Of The Day:
People who talk on their cell phones while using a public restroom. I don’t need to hear the intimate details of your fight last night with your boyfriend while you are doing your business. I cannot avoid the conversation because of the close vicinity of the stalls. I doubt the other caller wants to hear me flushing the toilet either. There is not a single reason why cell phone usage is required in the bathroom unless calling 911 for some reason, probably because someone stuck that cell phone in unmentionable places and you need help removing it. No matter how you slice it, cell phone usage in public bathrooms is just rude and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Worry Of The Day:
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how self centered and self indulgent I’ve been. I’ve been giving myself permission to be that way for far to long, I am rather disgusted with myself for spending these past few years completely wrapped up in how I feel about everything and not doing anything about it. It’s kind of pathetic in retrospect and while I will forgive myself, move on and try to do better next time….I am worried about how to break the habit while staying attentive to what my heart tells me is right for me. How do I stay present within myself and still love outwardly? I tend to get very lost in others and I will give of myself until there’s nothing left. I can’t do that any more. Balance is always the challenge for me no matter the subject and I am worried that will go to far to the extreme again and end up wondering how I got myself in such a mess with someone. I’m also afraid of being overly guarded as well. It’s been 2 years and I’ve still not got the energy to entertain the idea of really giving much of myself to anyone, other then my existing relationships and even some of those I find exhausting at times. I’m worried I’ve become jaded beyond repair.

Puzzle Of The Day
Why do some people think it is ok for them to treat other people poorly or disrespectfully? What makes them so special that they can scream at some poor clerk for doing her job or they can march around barking orders at their friends or kick their dogs or steal someone’s parking spot? Where do these people get the cajones to act like that? Didn’t their momma’s teach them any better and why does society tolerate it? We all have bad days and get snippy with others, but come one people, have we all lost our manners or what? If we can’t be civil to one another, how does the next generation know how to treat each other? I can’t help but feel like common courtesy and respect extends itself much farther then simply being polite to my neighbor or not going ballistic when someone cuts me off in traffic.

Rally and Rejoice!

My horoscope was spot on today:

http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/daily-extended/20090512/;_ylt=An36C2t2UQQ5J7jO4RiruqqNb6U5

My motivation and inspiration meter is through the roof (and hopefully the energy to do it all will follow) and I’ve begun making plans for the summer and dare I say, I am a little excited to have a few months to myself. That may seem selfish, but guess what? I don’t really care if it seems that way or not. Everything in my life is pointing toward this being “ok” for the summer. It feels right and why should I fight that because of fear? To let go of my hang ups about Max and his Dad and let it flow, within reason of course. Max seems aware that this will be a summer only situation and then he’ll spend holidays and what not with the Raver’s, but during the school year he will remain at home with me. To me this seems like a fair middle ground to the scenario, though I still haven’t talked to Sean about the details so who knows what resistances I will meet when that happens.

Speaking of, Sean just couldn’t resist calling on Mother’s Day. Haven’t heard from the guy in 2 weeks and he calls on Mother’s Day? How passive aggressive is that. Jerk weed.

In any event, I’m feeling pretty optimistic today and am choosing to capitalize on it rather then question it. In the coming months, I have the following plans being set into motion as we speak:

- Diet Program
I need help to loose these pounds. I need some kind of structured system and accountability. I’ve been trying for months on my own and am getting no where, except I’m not gaining so that’s good. It’s a substantial investment, but one I feel is necessary at this time and the opportunity is presenting itself so I’m jumping on it. I have no ridiculous visions of me being a size 8 or even a 10 again. But a solid, firm size 12 would suit me just fine and is totally realistic.

- Exercise Regime
I have been getting out and walking at least 3 times per week as it is, not as long as I’d like but minimum half an hour. My plan is to up that 30 minutes each morning on the treadmill at the rec center Mon – Sat and whatever else I can fit in otherwise for the first 2 – 3 weeks. After that I am hoping to up it to morning treadmill time plus 3 afternoons of yoga, palates or other more intensive exercise that will help tone, strengthen and help my flexibility/balance. One thing about being so chunky is that my balance is way way off, it has been really ever since I sprained my ankles the first time all those years ago, but now I have very little balance at all which is frustrating. I’d like to feel a bit less clumsy and a little more physically capable.

- Doggeh
I’ve become working with a ‘case worker’ of sorts at Table Mountain Animal Center, which is our local animal shelter. It’s pretty cool, you essentially give her all your specs and she begins working with you to find a good fit. My hope is that we will find a good match within the first 2 weeks of June before Max leaves for WY, thus giving Max the change for input and then giving me plenty of time with said doggeh through the summer months to bond and work with and taking training courses at PetSmart (all free, isn’t that cool?)

- Guitar Lessons
I’m still saving up for my beginner’s guitar and have found lessons, but it’s going to be at least another month before I can afford both. There is some question about whether I should just focus on doggeh first and then pick up the guitar piece or if I want to begin belly dance classes. I guess I’m flailing a bit on the “hobby” front still; I need to focus some really meditative thought on that and proceed accordingly.

Obviously reading and gardening and spending time with friends and family is always high on my priority lists, but these things are my goals for the next 2 months starting June 1 2009. My flower garden in the front is coming along nicely; I am still amazed at how rich and healthy this soil is. Clearly someone was on the same path as me at this residence before. It’s crazy, in some spots you pick up a handful of soil and worms just spill out of it, good stuff. Max is going to help me get some more weeding done before he leaves so that I’ll have a fairly fresh canvas to work within the back; it’s like a jungle back there at the moment. That spring snow we got kicked the ass of our feared impending drought this year; let’s hope it stays that way!

Miss Crystal will be here in about a week. I cannot wait to see her fabulous self. I know Max is looking forward to it as well, he keeps joking about all the giggling and conspiring that will be going on, I tell him to get used to it, that’s what girls do. Until she gets here I have a dinner date with Miss Sassy Sandy Pants, gardening planned for the weekend and a zillion other chores to complete between now and next week, but it’s all good stuff. I love being focused and productive, I thrive on it and live for it. I wish I could express to you all how much moving has cleared my mind and heart, every day I am grateful and every day I feel I owe the Universe the work I promised it when I asked for what I wanted when we moved. I got it, we’ve settled and life is good. Now the work begins and it’s the best kind of work :)

see more Lol Celebs

Sigh....no laptop, no functional development environment, no real work to speak of until Nancy is out of these meetings for the next 3 days. Big changes, hurry up and wait. HURRY UP AND WAIT PEOPLE!

Outside of work life is busy as ever, not much was accomplished around the house this weekend due to Max and I feeling so under the weather. We did start weeding in the back though and much to our pleasure, we found a yard loaded with lots of healthy dirt with all kinds of worms to prove it. Specifically where I'm planning to plant the pumpkins/squash, I'm thinking they are really going to thrive there and I am eager to get a'planting. I've decided to load up on annuals/perennials in the front area and call it good. No reason to make it complicated.

The office still is in no shape for visitors, but I am chipping away at it. I am one of those people that gets really overwhelmed by the sight of a big job, aesthetically I mean. The visual of all those boxes to be sorted through, pictures to be hung and paperwork to file promptly causes me to find something else that needs to be done as soon as is human possible, like get on the computer and play Qwery on Pogo.com. But the office is slowly but surely becoming more like an office/guest room and less like a storage space.

Otherwise, the house feels pretty put together. Well, my closet/dresser is still pretty randomly sorted. No real organization there. Max's room actually looks great, he's done a lot to make it comfortable there. Speaking of Max, he's being awfully agreeable and pleasant. I'm enjoying it tremendously, but can't help but ask "Why? What the hell happened?" I've thought of asking him directly, it's all very strange. I really hope I am wrong and there isn't something suspicious about the whole situation.

Tonight I have plans to walk with Tammy and catch up, cook up some dinner and organize the rest of my books. Darrell is supposed to be down this weekend, we'll see if it happens. He's been planning it for a few weeks now, but that's happened before and something always comes up at the last minute that changes plans. Great guy, but our lives are just so not compatible and I'm really proud of both of us for seeing it for what it is and not making any hard feelings out of it. If he does make it down though, we'll have a great time and he'll go back up the mountain for an undetermined amount of time and that's fine with everyone involved. Sometimes maturing about relationships comes in the strangest forms, I swear.

I'm looking forward to Crystal's visit, only a few more weeks and it will be here! I can't believe I'm actually going to see Peck & Amy also, too crazy. I miss those girls!

Well, back to "work" for today. I really prefer my queue to be full, thank you. Otherwise, all I can think about is what I could be doing besides sitting a cube waiting for them to put me to work.

The Highs & Woes Of The Technie Industry

My desktop has been attacked by something with malicious intent. Must be all that “adult content” and Facebook-ing I do. Whatever. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done the networking/strictly IT side of things so I have dig way deep back in the little folds of my brain to remember the steps involved with properly detecting whatever it is that is causing my desktop to act like a squirrel on a vente double shot espresso from Starbucks. Sigh. It’s scanning right now which essentially eats up all of my resources until it’s done, thus allowing me to do little or nothing on the Internet, in Office 2003 OR use a single one of my development apps because those are the most resource intensive of the bunch (Visual Studio 2008 in particular) so I thought, hmmmmm, when in doubt, blog.

I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately. What is the purpose of it really? My intentions oscilate between it being about my own random meadorings, not really intened for any specific audience and wanting to use it as a means to keep folks posted on the somewhat mediocre life I’ve created with the occasional hiccups that produce both pleasures and pain, which in a sense seems a little narcasistic now that I am thinking on the subject. I’m undecided as to whether I need to change up the format and focus just on something specific, something USEFULL to the Internet world or if I am content to keep on posting, blathering on about whatever. I surely don’t expect that anyone is reading it, but when something blows up, I am reminded that it is being read and I should take that into consideration.

Things on the Max-front are interesting. He’s been ill for a few days and nothing brings out the “I want my mommy” – ies like having a head full of phlegm and a sore throat. So I did my duty as a mother and cared for him all weekend, meanwhile nursing my own bout of the ickness. Luckily we are both feeling much better today, no harm, no foul. I can’t quite figure him out, but something changed again around Wednesday or Thursday. He started being “nice” again, almost overly so. I am suspicious, suffice to say I don’t trust the boy at the moment. My mind wanders in all kinds of ugly places so it’s hard for me to know what’s really going on with him. Is he trying to trick me into thinking things are on the up and up, but secretly there is plotting going on behind my back? Yesterday we ran some quick errands and hung out most of the day together and I tell you, I enjoyed every moment of it. He has such a great sense of humor and can be like the sweetest guy on the planet. I figure hey, I’ll suck up this time with him where I can, it is fleeting after all. Something tells me this child is going to break someone’s heart in his life time and who’s heart to men always break first? There mother’s of course. Then, one would hope their mothers get to reap what’s been sown for the last 18 or 21 years, but we’ll see.

Work is quiet again, I keep having this fear that I’m going to come into work one of these days and get laid off. I’m trying desperately not to let that idea linger to long as to avoid it being cooked up as a reality (I’m a bit superstitious like that) because I’d really like to believe my job is stable so I can continue working on stabilizing the rest of my life, which is coming along nicely over all. But the fear hasn’t quite left me yet, it flares up and then the fear fire is put out by more code for me to write or trouble shoot, my inclusion in all things development team related and things all around being seemingly normal. For example, our department received a gold award from a global conference for delivery providers last month. It’s fairly prestigious and our department of 8 little developers and one kick ass supervisor (Ok, I GUESS the 24/7 IT admin staff had something to do with it….I mean SOMEONE has to make sure those servers are consistently operational and the database’s are being managed properly - they rock seriously) has some how managed to play with the big dogs in terms of application development to manage media delivery. So it’s nothing to sneeze at, we are even having a bbq thrown in our honor on Wednesday and I know the whole staff appreciates those types of events on occasion. Good for morale and all that. We are also getting ready to sign contract with a group that will pour a fair amount of cash into our department to merge our applications with their existing delivery media software. We are looking at potentially doubling our staff to make that transition happen so that gives you an idea of the kind of money we are talking about. Not sure where we are going to fit everyone, we are already crammed in here like sardines as it is, but I trust management to make it comfortable. They’ve never let me down yet. However, my bottom line is that I am insecure about my skill set at this point. Any new developers they hire are going to be experienced developers, I will continue to be low man on the development totem pole until I don’t know when, it really just takes time and experience and I wonder sometimes if my employer can have the patience to allow for that time to pass and experience to be gained. The reality is that they need a certain type of developer and I’m just not there yet. On the other hand, I believe that Nancy does value me and PDC isn’t the type of company to just throw someone away after 4 years, though I have seen it happen in one particular case. So I do feel like my ass is on the line and all I can do is get my butt to work every day, work hard and try to let them know I’m up to any task they have for me. It is stressfull tho, I can’t quite totally quiet the voices in my head telling me I’m on my way out and to get ready for it. That’s just how I’m built, to always be on guard for potential crisis. It wears me out some times.

Doh…back to work, my laptop is toast. It will have to be rebuilt and until then I will be sitting in the only empty cube in the office, setting up THAT environment for the next 2 days until my laptop comes back and then I’ll be setting THAT environment back up so I can actually get some work done. Poo. Not my happiest Monday, not the worst either tho I suppose :)

Zombie Dreams & The Swine Flu

I had horrid zombie dreams last night. A friend mentioned SHE had zombie dreams Tuesday night so maybe the seed was planted there or I’ve just seen too many zombie movies and this whole Swine Flu thing is creeping into my head as a potential source for zombie attack. I actually rather enjoy zombie movies (my favs are: 28 Days Later & the Resident Evil series because Mila Jovovich kicks some series zombie ass) because they are of the few horror variety that actually scare me, so sadly I do it to myself. And last night in my dreams I wasn’t even afraid of the zombies all that much, even though they were horrendous and chasing me everywhere. I was more panicked about finding and protecting Max from zombie bites…..wait, maybe the zombies are Sean in my dreams? Cripes, I can’t analyze myself. That’s what therapy is for.

So yeah, that was my dream sequence last night and I’m not feeling 100% at the moment, so I slept like 9 hours and I dream really deeply when I sleep that much and they tend to be very vivid. This morning all I could think about was the Swine Flu pandemic freak out. If someone traveled to the future from 1949 were to watch the news in this country on any given day, they’d run screaming for the nearest bomb shelter and never come out. It’s really a sad state of affairs, it really seems impossible to get any information in this country without someone’s spin on it, which I guess is human nature AND there’s that whole “freedom of speech” thing we are so proud of. Why must it be taken so far tho? When this type of thing occurs then the media becomes positively titillated with delight on yet another subject which can be used to pollinate the masses with drama. I swear you can see those people salivating on the television screen and I don’t even watch network TV news, I can’t imagine how that must look. All I can do is give Alternet.org a big high five and try to avoid the mass hysteria being propagated about things like the Swine Flu and the Craigslist Killer.

Please don’t misunderstand my concern about these issues. Of course I care that people have died and there is no doubt there should be notification to the public about the potential dangers of the current world health situation, without question the public has the right to this information. However, there truly are just as many other terrifying virus critters like the common staph infection that is leaping from hospitals to the main stream and infecting children on soccer fields with MSSA or the obvious and that is that 10s of thousands of people die from the common flu virus in this country every year. And I have yet to see that on a news report even once, except for when a basketball star contracted the virus from the locker room and had to have surgery to save his life.

Obviously, the news organizations could spend say 5 minutes reporting on the major issues facing the human culture at any given moment and be on 24/7 and they would never, ever run out of topics of severity.

What I wonder is who deems it “news” or “breaking news”? Where does it trickle down from? And why, instead of creating panic or giving the impression that the end times are near, aren’t the news organizations held accountable for their reporting styles and methods? Wouldn’t it make more sense to AVOID freaking people out as the end result? We all know FoxNews is about the most biased crap on cable television, but isn’t it obvious that a lot of other places in which one might gather the news from is also biased? There must be some where that provides simply the facts and allows its viewers/readers to make their own decisions?

Sigh. I realize this is probably a loosing battle. I know all is not lost and I have hope always, but sometimes I get a little worn down from the constant barrage of information. I feel like I try to avoid it, but it just worms its way in because even if I don’t watch it, everyone is talking about it. And if people are afraid, then so be it. Talk about it, work out how you are feeling and then take the appropriate measures to protect yourselves. Avoid spreading viruses AND panic. I cannot believe that the public has to be reminded to wash their hands regularly and take standard precaution when in public area’s about human cross contamination, but maybe that’s all that early childhood education first aid and CPR course material resonating in my head. I feel tremendous empathy and sadness for those who are suffering at the moment because of this virus. I hope it can be contained and that no more casualties will occur as a result. Hopefully all this hand washing advice will have some kind of positive result, I guess what I would hope is that people don’t start to panic until there’s a good reason too. There are already scam artists out there trying to scam people out of vaccination money! What the hell is wrong with people?

I guess I am a little cranky at the moment because my throat is sore, I have a headache and the constant drone and jokes surrounding the Swine Flu are making me want to crawl back into bad, even if it does mean zombie dreams again.

Thank You's

I need to express my gratitude publically to all of you who have been so supportive of me on the Max situation. Thank you for listening to me cry, whine, fume and rage. Thank you for letting me feel what I need to feel and giving me the space to vent it all out. Thank you for offering up your inputs, it is always valuable. Please remember, I really don’t have anyone to bounce this parenting stuff off of and while part of me knows I’m going to try and manage the situation to the best of my ability and do what I think is right, the other part of me does need a little back up once in a while. I think it’s only natural, I’m not really sure any of us knows what we are doing when it comes to parenting. All we can do is look at ourselves and what history has taught us and takes those lessons and move forward.

I don’t know what the next steps are with Max just yet, but I am confident he and I will come through this ok on the other side of it all. In the meantime, my goal is to stay sane, focused and strong. No doubt that focus will be tested, I get distracted easily in life, but I always get through it. Max and I are family, Sean is his family too whether I like it or not and families trudge through the hard stuff, whether it’s uncomfortable, unfair or seems unachievable. It doesn’t have to be perfect or “my” way, but I believe a meeting of the minds is possible and I’ll keep trying until we find it or I am left with no choice.

Ha, I will have to formulate a mantra somehow encompassing all of this when Max is giving me the evil eye or I’m listening to Sean’s venomous, placating voice on the phone.

The Happiness Project

Great site!

http://www.happiness-project.com/

Tuesday

Today is a little brighter then yesterday on some levels. Max and I had a fairly civil conversation last night resulted in lightening the situation a little. I feel pretty confident with the current course of action on the Max-front and even though I still couldn’t predict how this situation will pan out, what I do know is that everything will be ok in the long run. The current plan of action is this:

a) I have contacted a family therapist and I have an appointment scheduled with her for Thursday. I will meet with her alone and lay out the situation, baggage and all. Max and I will then meet with until he goes to Wyoming after school is out. I will continue to work with this family therapist while Max is in Wyoming and upon his return we will begin therapy together again.

b) I have yet to contact Sean or his parents. I am still too worked up about their role in the situation to feel confident that I can have a conversation with them yet that won’t result in something negative. I have to be strong, firm and able to let their comments slide past me. I’m not quite there yet. But when I DO speak with them, my plan is to inform them (again) that communicating through Max is unacceptable and puts him in the middle. I intend to let Sean know that I feel if he plans to be a part of Max’s life on this level, he needs to start acting like an adult an acknowledge that we are BOTH the parents and that it is entirely inappropriate for him to undermine me. I do not do it to him and he should return the favor. Things like Max’s driver’s license and school are things we both have to be involved in. I am sure he will try to pacify me and my words will not matter, but I have to be heard.

c) Max will go to Wyoming for the summer probably sometime in the 2nd week of June. He will return the first week of August to register for school.

d) Sean will be responsible for Max’s summer school, including all financial cost involved. I will save any child support from the 2 summer months in a savings account to be used for school registration fees, supplies and clothes.

e) Max will return to CO for the school year and spend Christmas/Spring Break with his dad.

This is what I’m putting on the table. I have already spoken with Max about this and he is not happy about it obviously, I think he thinks something might change between now and the end of the summer, but I also sense that he doesn’t want to give up his life in CO either. I think he isn’t always happy with my choices (which is fair), thinks I’m too harsh on him about school and is trying to run away from his responsibilities. In essence, I think the kid is really fighting growing up and the grass looks pretty green on the other side of the fence. I am not sure how it’s going to go down but I do think it’s a good start. I know some of the people in my life don’t agree with me or think I am trying to control the situation and that I should just let him go live with his Dad and let that be that. I’m not saying that won’t happen, I am not saying I might not get to the point with him where I’m “done” but to me I still have to try and make the best effort I can to do what I think is right for Max because the fact is that I have been raising him his entire life and maybe I’m not a perfect mother, but I’ve stuck through it for him no matter what. Until there is no other choice, I feel like I at least have to try.

Now, if I could just restrain myself from reacting to his crummy attitude on the day to day we might get through this without further insult to injury. That’s sort of the hard part, how do we live together during this period of transition? No matter the outcomes, this IS a time of transition and that fact cannot be denied so I have to learn how to manage the situation for the next 6 weeks or so without driving either one of us batty. My natural tendency is to want to fix everything right away, but experience has finally taught me that this isn’t always the way.

I also spoke with Max more in detail regarding the sex text messages stuff. I didn’t berate the guy for being 16 and sexual, it’s pretty normal. I just took the time to talk with him about respect for women and to remind him that all young ladies have a daddy or a brother or an uncle or SOMEONE who will educate him on how to talk to their daughter/sister/niece/friend etc….should something like this ever come to their attention and I don’t know ANYONE that wants stare down a very pissed off daddy. I also explained to him the definition of harassment and to pay close attention to the many recent stories on the news about “sexting” and legal charges being brought about because of the more over the top stuff. I was really trying not to shame him. I think he felt a certain amount of that on his own. I also took it as an opportunity to have another safe sex discussion, for which he essentially ignored me but I reminded him that he’s got what he needs to protect himself and his future, don’t forget that.

So who knows what the coming weeks will bring. I’ve fully prepared myself for a lot of tension, attitude, conflict with Sean’s family and the fact that Max might not be home when I get off work one of these days. I know I can’t play the patsy with this kid either. I have a career, one that is beginning to really bloom and it’s pretty essential that my personal life no longer impact my day to day job. I also can’t spend my daily allotted emotional energy pining away over the whole situation. I think what I have to do here is focus on not being married to one specific outcome and be prepared for anything. That should be pretty simple with my one and only child right? Ha.

Is breathing a little more evenly, sometimes we all need the space to "freak out" about something so that we can come to terms with the situation in our own time and mind space. Luckily for me, I am surrounded by so many different types of people that I get input from ALL spectrums of the rainbow. I *heart* the rainbow!

Ok, turns out I do have a second to blog after all. The one issue I had today was already completed quite some time ago by another process so we are waiting on the big stuff to come in this week, then it should be good times at work.

Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.

Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.

Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.

He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.

Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.

Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.

First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.

As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.

Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.

At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.

On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.

Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.

Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.

I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.

A little hectic....

I am not ignoring anyone, I know I have emails/voicemails/texts to respond to. Max is pulling the "I want to go live with my dad" thing again and I won't even tell you what this snooping mother found on his phone and on his MySpace page. I am pretty shocked, no one wants to see that kind of filth coming ouf of the mouthes of babes....but it is what it is. Anywa, no time to really update...I will when I can. Love you to all and please send your prayers and good juju my way as things with Max are tense (again) and I've sort of had it with what feels like some game playing an manipulation on Max's end to get what he wants and punish me at the same time. good times.

sigh.

love to you all
s