I'm pretty worked up these past few days. To others it might sound counterproductive, but angry rageful violent music helps me transcend this energy into something more positive. Because I can release it safely, that's the beuaty of music. For some of us, it serves as such a poweful outlet it can change an entire situation around so one can think more clearly. NIN, Tool, Blue October are perfect for such situations for moi. The angry situations I mean. The frustrated-hateful-I-want-to-thrash-around-and-scream-my-head-off in-the-car ones.
There really isn't any new reason for the place I'm at emotionally. Filing for bankruptcy is pretty stressfull. Max is a teenage boy who can only see me as the tyrant who wants to control him and is constantly in his business about school (How dare I CARE about him!) and I've managed to blow out my knee pretty badly via an injury that would've never occurred 30 lbs ago. The blues are also perservering, which makes me want to scream. Sometimes I despise those raging chemicals in my body. Don't they have better things to do then put me in a funk? Why can't they work on shaping me into a glowing, svelt beuaty? I feel more like a cranky old witch, complete with wart on my nose and crooked little teeth. The better to eat you with my dear.
Yargh.
Oh well, I should learn to follow my own advice to others who are panicking. Last time I spoke to Pam, I told her "At least you know it will change. Something will eventually change and with changes comes the opportunity for progress and growth."
Sounds better than it feels right now.
Yargh MATEY!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Holy Exhaustion Batman!
Why I come into work on Monday's dragging ass like I do, I'll never know. The only real reason I have is that my weekends are not as restful as they probably should be, but such is life.
Friday night I played catch up with Crystal, which was not only desperately needed but also greatly appreciated. Crystal's stories of Egypt and her experiences are awe inspiring and I look forward to hearing more in detail as she is able to document and/or verbalize with me. I know that this trip was important for her and I do hope that she has gained further insight and healing from this journey.
I also spoke at length with my Aunty MB about our coming trip to WA in June, which was a good start to what will probably end up being a trip to remember considering the amount of people we plan to see and the events planned thus far are considerable. I can't wait to see everyone and be near the water, just thinking of it soothes me.
Max had soccer Saturday and I had to work a good portion of the day. Boo on the work, Hoorah on the soccer game:) Max is a splendid goalie, I am so proud!
Bryan S is in town getting his condo ready for renters. I think his decision to rent rather than sell was an incredibly wise one at this juncture in his situation, besides the housing market sucks for sellers and he has put a lot of work into that place and I suspect he may want to hold onto it in case he comes back to Denver some day. It's the perfect place for a single person or a young couple, so beautiful and peaceful and loads of character. Good stuff. However, a fair amount of work was needed to get it in order for the renters, enter "Good Friends Who Work For Beer & Pizza" :) Sandy and Tony were also there as well as Bryan's buddies from school Ryan and Kevin. Max and I were there early to get the kitchen in order and get windows washed before the boys painted. Then we moved on to the bathroom and yard work. It was a good day, albeit a totally exhausting one.
How much I miss Bryan can't really be described in words. He is a good friend to me and when he hugs me I know that he loves me too. Like all relationships, the bond we share is a unique one. We process information and emotions similarly, we share a certain Type A, slightly anal and controlling temperament that we are both constantly trying to manage for the sanity of the world around us as we tend to torture those in our lives with our intensity. We can go months without seeing one another but are instantly on point within the first few moments of our visits, like we are still working beside each other day to day at CORRA all those years ago or having drinks at the Thin Man on a Friday night. He is kind of a male version of Crystal to me in some ways, if that's possible LOL :) We both have been knocked around pretty good this past year, it was almost exactly a year ago this weekend that I saw him before he left for DC and he & Kim had announced their divorce, which rocked all of us pretty deeply. Funny how much you associate two people together when that's all you know of them. It's still kind of strange to think of them as separate, not together...no more. This scenario, between them has taught me loads and loads about how to be a friend to both parties and how to try and be compassionate in the process. Naturally you may feel strongly in one direction or another, though I really didn't in this situation, I just felt a lot of sadness for them both.
A side note, I have to bring this one thing up which in retrospect totally floored me yesterday when it kind of popped into my head as I was scrubbing out the oven.....When I told Chance that B & K were divorcing, Chance seemed almost...I don't know, EXCITED about the idea because he seemed to just naturally assume that someone had cheated. Even though I several times "DOOD, Bryan DID NOT cheat on her!" but he kept bringing it up and I remember thinking, what is his deal with this? Hrm....guilty conscience? If it's possible that Chance does in fact have that little voice in him that tells him he's done wrong, then maybe. Either that or he wanted to feel justified that if someone so honorable as Bryan (b/c Chance KNOWS how I feel about Bryan) could cheat on someone so beautiful and incredible as Kim (whom is an equally good friend to me) then surely Chance can't be that much of a bastard in cheating on me, right? Ha, that theory would work out fine if cheating had even been remotely close to the cause of their divorce. But of course, it was not b/c these are two people who kind enough to one another to not do something so horrendous, even in their parting they have been exceptionally kind to one another, which I know has taken some effort on both parts to do so.
Sorry, little distraction there.....anywhoozle, the day was a success and all things considered, I see a much happier and healthier man now then I did a year ago and he commented that I look a bit shinier then I've sounded on the phone and this made me happy, someone notices. That's good:) The most exciting news is that B will be visiting Colorado once per quarter for the next 2 years, which means I will have a fair amount of opportunity to see him and hear about his adventures in DC and the non profit world and talk about love and how complicated it can be, but also how rewarding it is and Max and what it's like to be me and what it's like to be him. I look forward to that. I also look forward to seeing those silly boys again. Ryan makes me laugh like a hyena and has probably the sweetest and kindest eyes I've ever seen on a man. Kevin talks in golfing and bartender terms at all times, he reminds me faintly of what my grandfather might've been like at 34. Sandy and I see each other regularly luckily, but when we all get together there tends to be a lot of beer drinking and debate about the vicious cycle of homelessness or the election or can America really go "Green" and generally how relieved we all are that GWB is on his way out regardless of who wins.
I'm tired from yesterday, but it was a good day. And the house looks great. We met the couple that is moving in, they are cute. Young, hipsters. Perfect.
This week is average on the scale of activity, my main goal socially is to get a walk in with Mary and possibly meet up with Rhy & Margaret for the art walk on Sante Fe Friday night. Thursday night Max and I have volunteer duty for "Dining Out For Life," details can be found here: http://www.projectangelheart.org/ Saturday is soccer. I'm already looking forward to Sunday for rest!
Tonight I will rest to I think, I'm beat!
Work is going ok, life is mostly ok. I'm hanging in there.
Xo all, more to come as it becomes available.
S
Friday night I played catch up with Crystal, which was not only desperately needed but also greatly appreciated. Crystal's stories of Egypt and her experiences are awe inspiring and I look forward to hearing more in detail as she is able to document and/or verbalize with me. I know that this trip was important for her and I do hope that she has gained further insight and healing from this journey.
I also spoke at length with my Aunty MB about our coming trip to WA in June, which was a good start to what will probably end up being a trip to remember considering the amount of people we plan to see and the events planned thus far are considerable. I can't wait to see everyone and be near the water, just thinking of it soothes me.
Max had soccer Saturday and I had to work a good portion of the day. Boo on the work, Hoorah on the soccer game:) Max is a splendid goalie, I am so proud!
Bryan S is in town getting his condo ready for renters. I think his decision to rent rather than sell was an incredibly wise one at this juncture in his situation, besides the housing market sucks for sellers and he has put a lot of work into that place and I suspect he may want to hold onto it in case he comes back to Denver some day. It's the perfect place for a single person or a young couple, so beautiful and peaceful and loads of character. Good stuff. However, a fair amount of work was needed to get it in order for the renters, enter "Good Friends Who Work For Beer & Pizza" :) Sandy and Tony were also there as well as Bryan's buddies from school Ryan and Kevin. Max and I were there early to get the kitchen in order and get windows washed before the boys painted. Then we moved on to the bathroom and yard work. It was a good day, albeit a totally exhausting one.
How much I miss Bryan can't really be described in words. He is a good friend to me and when he hugs me I know that he loves me too. Like all relationships, the bond we share is a unique one. We process information and emotions similarly, we share a certain Type A, slightly anal and controlling temperament that we are both constantly trying to manage for the sanity of the world around us as we tend to torture those in our lives with our intensity. We can go months without seeing one another but are instantly on point within the first few moments of our visits, like we are still working beside each other day to day at CORRA all those years ago or having drinks at the Thin Man on a Friday night. He is kind of a male version of Crystal to me in some ways, if that's possible LOL :) We both have been knocked around pretty good this past year, it was almost exactly a year ago this weekend that I saw him before he left for DC and he & Kim had announced their divorce, which rocked all of us pretty deeply. Funny how much you associate two people together when that's all you know of them. It's still kind of strange to think of them as separate, not together...no more. This scenario, between them has taught me loads and loads about how to be a friend to both parties and how to try and be compassionate in the process. Naturally you may feel strongly in one direction or another, though I really didn't in this situation, I just felt a lot of sadness for them both.
A side note, I have to bring this one thing up which in retrospect totally floored me yesterday when it kind of popped into my head as I was scrubbing out the oven.....When I told Chance that B & K were divorcing, Chance seemed almost...I don't know, EXCITED about the idea because he seemed to just naturally assume that someone had cheated. Even though I several times "DOOD, Bryan DID NOT cheat on her!" but he kept bringing it up and I remember thinking, what is his deal with this? Hrm....guilty conscience? If it's possible that Chance does in fact have that little voice in him that tells him he's done wrong, then maybe. Either that or he wanted to feel justified that if someone so honorable as Bryan (b/c Chance KNOWS how I feel about Bryan) could cheat on someone so beautiful and incredible as Kim (whom is an equally good friend to me) then surely Chance can't be that much of a bastard in cheating on me, right? Ha, that theory would work out fine if cheating had even been remotely close to the cause of their divorce. But of course, it was not b/c these are two people who kind enough to one another to not do something so horrendous, even in their parting they have been exceptionally kind to one another, which I know has taken some effort on both parts to do so.
Sorry, little distraction there.....anywhoozle, the day was a success and all things considered, I see a much happier and healthier man now then I did a year ago and he commented that I look a bit shinier then I've sounded on the phone and this made me happy, someone notices. That's good:) The most exciting news is that B will be visiting Colorado once per quarter for the next 2 years, which means I will have a fair amount of opportunity to see him and hear about his adventures in DC and the non profit world and talk about love and how complicated it can be, but also how rewarding it is and Max and what it's like to be me and what it's like to be him. I look forward to that. I also look forward to seeing those silly boys again. Ryan makes me laugh like a hyena and has probably the sweetest and kindest eyes I've ever seen on a man. Kevin talks in golfing and bartender terms at all times, he reminds me faintly of what my grandfather might've been like at 34. Sandy and I see each other regularly luckily, but when we all get together there tends to be a lot of beer drinking and debate about the vicious cycle of homelessness or the election or can America really go "Green" and generally how relieved we all are that GWB is on his way out regardless of who wins.
I'm tired from yesterday, but it was a good day. And the house looks great. We met the couple that is moving in, they are cute. Young, hipsters. Perfect.
This week is average on the scale of activity, my main goal socially is to get a walk in with Mary and possibly meet up with Rhy & Margaret for the art walk on Sante Fe Friday night. Thursday night Max and I have volunteer duty for "Dining Out For Life," details can be found here: http://www.projectangelheart.org/ Saturday is soccer. I'm already looking forward to Sunday for rest!
Tonight I will rest to I think, I'm beat!
Work is going ok, life is mostly ok. I'm hanging in there.
Xo all, more to come as it becomes available.
S
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Could Do It All By Mah-Self
I had a mega "Imma rockin' cool chick" moment today.
My radio mysteriously decided to just die out on me, about a week ago. Those of you who know me, know that I listen to music in the car almost every time I'm in it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my stereo. Jetta's come with a cranking stock stereo, it's truly a perk of owning this car. All I need to do is replace a blown out speaker in the rear drivers side door and it will sound great! Good as new at it's increasing age (the baby Jetta will officially be 5 years old in about 7 months) creeps up on me, I can't ask for more.
So this has been a bit traumatic for me. Anxiety, my daily routine has been all jacked up and I mostly feel like I might go crazy if I have to sit in total silence to and from work each day for another straight work week. It also caused me all this silly worry about how I would get it fixed and not at all wanting to take it to a service station (cuz where I live, if you have breasts, they tend to rip you off and talk to you like you are a five year old, but I digress) and deal with all that hassle over something I suspected couldn't be THAT hard right?
Well, lucky for me in this case, I was right. I did a little research on the interwebs and after reading about 6 articles on the subject, I found out that this is just a weird quark VW Jetta's have (particularly my year) and what to do to fix it. I popped open that dreaded fuse box, cast the magic spell described in these articles (which consists of removing the fuse that powers the radio and another fuse, waiting 10 seconds and plugging them both in at the same time, something about resetting something or other blah blah whatever) and voila......my stereo is back in action! YAYYYYYYY STEREO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FRUIT!
Tonight, it will be YAYYYYYYY BEER as I am proud of myself over this little victory.
This might seem silly to some of you. Particularly because I am capable of doing things like changing out hardware in my computer, hanging dry cement screws (another YAY Me moment, cuz it' kind of a pain in the ass, I can tell you!) and have even managed to learn some things about minor plumbing repair. Go freaking figure!
But to me, it's another "I'm a big girl and don't need anyone to help me!" moment.
Now, if I could only figure out how to change my own oil and not freak out every time I start up the lawn mower (it's loud and smells and theres MEGA amounts of gas right next to a spark plug, that just doesn't seem safe to me somehow) we'd be in business!
My radio mysteriously decided to just die out on me, about a week ago. Those of you who know me, know that I listen to music in the car almost every time I'm in it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my stereo. Jetta's come with a cranking stock stereo, it's truly a perk of owning this car. All I need to do is replace a blown out speaker in the rear drivers side door and it will sound great! Good as new at it's increasing age (the baby Jetta will officially be 5 years old in about 7 months) creeps up on me, I can't ask for more.
So this has been a bit traumatic for me. Anxiety, my daily routine has been all jacked up and I mostly feel like I might go crazy if I have to sit in total silence to and from work each day for another straight work week. It also caused me all this silly worry about how I would get it fixed and not at all wanting to take it to a service station (cuz where I live, if you have breasts, they tend to rip you off and talk to you like you are a five year old, but I digress) and deal with all that hassle over something I suspected couldn't be THAT hard right?
Well, lucky for me in this case, I was right. I did a little research on the interwebs and after reading about 6 articles on the subject, I found out that this is just a weird quark VW Jetta's have (particularly my year) and what to do to fix it. I popped open that dreaded fuse box, cast the magic spell described in these articles (which consists of removing the fuse that powers the radio and another fuse, waiting 10 seconds and plugging them both in at the same time, something about resetting something or other blah blah whatever) and voila......my stereo is back in action! YAYYYYYYY STEREO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FRUIT!
Tonight, it will be YAYYYYYYY BEER as I am proud of myself over this little victory.
This might seem silly to some of you. Particularly because I am capable of doing things like changing out hardware in my computer, hanging dry cement screws (another YAY Me moment, cuz it' kind of a pain in the ass, I can tell you!) and have even managed to learn some things about minor plumbing repair. Go freaking figure!
But to me, it's another "I'm a big girl and don't need anyone to help me!" moment.
Now, if I could only figure out how to change my own oil and not freak out every time I start up the lawn mower (it's loud and smells and theres MEGA amounts of gas right next to a spark plug, that just doesn't seem safe to me somehow) we'd be in business!
Floating through a Friday.....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm
and my results in case you are dying to know what colors say about me....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/color.php?c0=2&c1=4&c2=3&c3=1&c4=5&c5=7&c6=0&c7=6
:)
and my results in case you are dying to know what colors say about me....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/color.php?c0=2&c1=4&c2=3&c3=1&c4=5&c5=7&c6=0&c7=6
:)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
We All Scream For Ice Cream!
Each month, my office has cake to celebrate the birthdays of our employee's who have birthdays that month. The type of cake varies from month to month, sometimes it's just plain chocolate or maybe carrot cake (yum) and sometimes it's the raspberry white cake which I like because I *heart* berries. Either way, no one in my office is shy about helping themselves and it always disappears in less than an hour.
However, in the warmer months of spring and summer we know there is a treat coming. We have all been conditioned to become these neurotic deranged little sugar fiends because we know it's going to be the season of "Ice Cream" cake soon. Buyaaaaah buddy! Today was our first official ice cream cake of the season and after one small piece, I already feel like a 5 year old who just downed a 6 pack of Mountain Dew in 3.5 seconds flat. Sugar is indeed a powerful, mood altering drug, no wonder people get addicted to it. It's cheap, legal and easily accessible. I have been significantly reducing my sugar intake and from this small piece of (freaking DELICIOUS) ice cream cake, I am bouncing off the damn walls and feel a huge burst of energy. Which, will inevitably be followed by the sugar crash of 2008 and I'll be dragging ass later after work when I've got a million and one things to do. And what would the solution be to that crash? MORE SUGAR! That's right, but I won't. I'll be good. I'll drink a lot of water and eat my veggies before I go and hopefully that will balance me out for the afternoon.
Let's see....what's new in the land of Sarah & Honey. Well, I got a new cell phone b/c my other one got water logged (oops) and pretty much fried the battery. By the grace of the universe, I had LITERALLY just come up for my 2 year offer (Verizon offers you significant discounts on a new phone every 2 years if you sign up w/ them again, which works out well for moi as I like their service) on 04/12/2008. HA, gotta love it. I graciously thanked the powers that be for keeping an eye on little me since I'm broke (always) and a new phone could've been painful right now. I still had to pay, only $40. Not bad.
Max is playing Goalie for his soccer team now full time. I'm so proud of him. He's taking it pretty seriously. I wish he'd take school as seriously. He'll be lucky to pass his Freshmen year with a 2.0 GPA. I suppose in time he'll figure it out.
We are getting excited about our trip to WA in the summer. Still unsure of how the Frontier bankruptcy may or may not affect our travel plans, I'm keeping a close on eye on it but as far as I can tell, they are honoring tickets at least through the end of this year. Now that Crystal is home from Egypt, we can start nailing down the details so I can do the same with GramE & Grandpa, my cousins Kai & Kenari and my ever wonderful Aunty MB. Less than 2 months people! WOOT WOOT!
My mood has been off lately. I always forget that I experience something like seasonal depression until it actually happens and I'm in the midst of it. It's far less worse in the spring, the fall is when it's really noticeable. Still, I try to understand how my body can chemically react to such a beautiful experience as spring. Spring is literally the ultimate rebirth, it is absolutely my favorite time of the year. The breezes wafting through my bedroom at night, the smells in the early morning, flowbers blooming and the world SHOULD seem a little brighter because it IS a little brighter. But for whatever reason, I always have to go through the initial funk before I can actually enjoy it all. I keep thinking, some day all these hormones won't affect me as much. Some day, I won't be so easily affected by my bodies chemistry and it's seemingly insatiable desire to complicate everything when NOTHING is really that complicated. I try to be thankful that it's not worse, because I know it certainly could be.
And on that note, I'll sign off as I'm going to wrap up my work day, go home and plant the rest of my flowers. Clean up a bit and get ready for a bbq at Kim & Nick's for the evening! I can't wait;)
Xo all
S
However, in the warmer months of spring and summer we know there is a treat coming. We have all been conditioned to become these neurotic deranged little sugar fiends because we know it's going to be the season of "Ice Cream" cake soon. Buyaaaaah buddy! Today was our first official ice cream cake of the season and after one small piece, I already feel like a 5 year old who just downed a 6 pack of Mountain Dew in 3.5 seconds flat. Sugar is indeed a powerful, mood altering drug, no wonder people get addicted to it. It's cheap, legal and easily accessible. I have been significantly reducing my sugar intake and from this small piece of (freaking DELICIOUS) ice cream cake, I am bouncing off the damn walls and feel a huge burst of energy. Which, will inevitably be followed by the sugar crash of 2008 and I'll be dragging ass later after work when I've got a million and one things to do. And what would the solution be to that crash? MORE SUGAR! That's right, but I won't. I'll be good. I'll drink a lot of water and eat my veggies before I go and hopefully that will balance me out for the afternoon.
Let's see....what's new in the land of Sarah & Honey. Well, I got a new cell phone b/c my other one got water logged (oops) and pretty much fried the battery. By the grace of the universe, I had LITERALLY just come up for my 2 year offer (Verizon offers you significant discounts on a new phone every 2 years if you sign up w/ them again, which works out well for moi as I like their service) on 04/12/2008. HA, gotta love it. I graciously thanked the powers that be for keeping an eye on little me since I'm broke (always) and a new phone could've been painful right now. I still had to pay, only $40. Not bad.
Max is playing Goalie for his soccer team now full time. I'm so proud of him. He's taking it pretty seriously. I wish he'd take school as seriously. He'll be lucky to pass his Freshmen year with a 2.0 GPA. I suppose in time he'll figure it out.
We are getting excited about our trip to WA in the summer. Still unsure of how the Frontier bankruptcy may or may not affect our travel plans, I'm keeping a close on eye on it but as far as I can tell, they are honoring tickets at least through the end of this year. Now that Crystal is home from Egypt, we can start nailing down the details so I can do the same with GramE & Grandpa, my cousins Kai & Kenari and my ever wonderful Aunty MB. Less than 2 months people! WOOT WOOT!
My mood has been off lately. I always forget that I experience something like seasonal depression until it actually happens and I'm in the midst of it. It's far less worse in the spring, the fall is when it's really noticeable. Still, I try to understand how my body can chemically react to such a beautiful experience as spring. Spring is literally the ultimate rebirth, it is absolutely my favorite time of the year. The breezes wafting through my bedroom at night, the smells in the early morning, flowbers blooming and the world SHOULD seem a little brighter because it IS a little brighter. But for whatever reason, I always have to go through the initial funk before I can actually enjoy it all. I keep thinking, some day all these hormones won't affect me as much. Some day, I won't be so easily affected by my bodies chemistry and it's seemingly insatiable desire to complicate everything when NOTHING is really that complicated. I try to be thankful that it's not worse, because I know it certainly could be.
And on that note, I'll sign off as I'm going to wrap up my work day, go home and plant the rest of my flowers. Clean up a bit and get ready for a bbq at Kim & Nick's for the evening! I can't wait;)
Xo all
S
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Better Day
It's a better day.
I took a walk, wrapped my head around further steps for chasing my bliss and realized some painful, but necessary, choices I must make in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be that happily content girl I long to see in the mirror. Perhaps I am just naturally tortured and angsty, perhaps I have not yet dealt with that which makes my heart ache so and she is under neath it all? Maybe I am just destined to repeat and repeat until I get a clue, because that seems to be the only way that I learn.
I sometimes envision a giant baby animated blue Buddha, watching me from afar. His little cherub face smiling and sort of "tsking" me. "Silly girl! Why must you persistently fight this when you already know the way?" Though, I'm sure he'd have something much wiser and more profound to say and I highly doubt he'd shaking his finger at me, but it makes me giggle.
I've been thinking long and hard about love. About how I want to love this life and myself and give to the world. I am perpetually confused by how easy it is to become so distracted and lost, and yet so enraptured and bound to the very concepts I wish to live by each day.
Sometimes it's too much to think about and still function. It wouldn't be hard to get lost in this place of constant wonderment, searching and learning. Except....life likes to slap me in the face though so I don't stray far into the clouds.
We watched "Juno" this weekend which made me cry and laugh equally hard. It's a sweet movie, it's a love story actually more than anything. I can tell you that it was an excellent movie to watch with my 15 year old. It prompted a plethora of questions from Max about getting pregnant and what it's like to be pregnant, which I was grateful for. He's ASKING the good questions. FINALLY, some real questions. I also wondered if it made him wonder about what things were like for me when I was pregnant with him. Abortion and adoption are both openly discussed in this movie and I wonder what he thought of that. If he can even put it all together, how complicated it all can be and the position I was in when I became unexpedtly pregnant. Hopefully, he'll know that he's here, with me and that's all that matters. Not the meandering mind of a 15 year old pregnant girl.
This week promises to be a repeat of these past few. Spring is a time of change, which my temperament naturally resists but my mind embraces. It is beautiful outside, so much to do before the summer gets here!
I took a walk, wrapped my head around further steps for chasing my bliss and realized some painful, but necessary, choices I must make in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be that happily content girl I long to see in the mirror. Perhaps I am just naturally tortured and angsty, perhaps I have not yet dealt with that which makes my heart ache so and she is under neath it all? Maybe I am just destined to repeat and repeat until I get a clue, because that seems to be the only way that I learn.
I sometimes envision a giant baby animated blue Buddha, watching me from afar. His little cherub face smiling and sort of "tsking" me. "Silly girl! Why must you persistently fight this when you already know the way?" Though, I'm sure he'd have something much wiser and more profound to say and I highly doubt he'd shaking his finger at me, but it makes me giggle.
I've been thinking long and hard about love. About how I want to love this life and myself and give to the world. I am perpetually confused by how easy it is to become so distracted and lost, and yet so enraptured and bound to the very concepts I wish to live by each day.
Sometimes it's too much to think about and still function. It wouldn't be hard to get lost in this place of constant wonderment, searching and learning. Except....life likes to slap me in the face though so I don't stray far into the clouds.
We watched "Juno" this weekend which made me cry and laugh equally hard. It's a sweet movie, it's a love story actually more than anything. I can tell you that it was an excellent movie to watch with my 15 year old. It prompted a plethora of questions from Max about getting pregnant and what it's like to be pregnant, which I was grateful for. He's ASKING the good questions. FINALLY, some real questions. I also wondered if it made him wonder about what things were like for me when I was pregnant with him. Abortion and adoption are both openly discussed in this movie and I wonder what he thought of that. If he can even put it all together, how complicated it all can be and the position I was in when I became unexpedtly pregnant. Hopefully, he'll know that he's here, with me and that's all that matters. Not the meandering mind of a 15 year old pregnant girl.
This week promises to be a repeat of these past few. Spring is a time of change, which my temperament naturally resists but my mind embraces. It is beautiful outside, so much to do before the summer gets here!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Crabby Butt
I'm in a foul mood today, I had all these big plans around the house and just ended up renting some movies and bought some Light Brie and stawberries and am setting up shop for a quiet day at home.
Max is pissy with me as he threw attitude at me and this isn't the best day for him to throw his hormones around and I kind of just let him have it. He's allowed to be Mr. Grumpy Pants and walk around the house morosely, but surely Momma Bear is not.
I'm a little peeved with someone right now and I have no idea how to approach the subject, but I've felt something brewing for some time now and I need to talk with this particular party and try to be heard, otherwise I predict conflict. Sadly, I know this person has NO idea how I am feeling and I'm not even sure would care all that much. It's hard to say, I don't really feel I know them any more.
I am just grumpy I guess. It's not based on any one thing other than that I'm probably a little tired and feel dissappiontment, but in order to feel dissapointment one must have expectations of others and having expectations is often dangerous.
Sigh.
On a sweeter note, my day lilly's are coming up like gangbusters. I have more flowbers to plant, but have yet to get motivated to do so. I had planned on that this morning, woke up bright and early on a Sunday and everything to get to it and realized in the shower that I'm far more sunburned then I'd realized from Max's soccer game yesterday. In fact, all exposed skin from those 4 hours in the sun are a deep to deeper shade of red depending on the location (forhead, upper arms and shoulders are toasted) and I feel like a giant dumbass for forgetting sunscreen. HELLO! It's Colorado and this is Ms. White As A Ghost Sarah, DURGGGGH!
Maybe that's why I'm so grumpy? Do I really need a reason? Aren't I just allowed sometimes to be feel this way and that can be ok, right? I don't HAVE to be happy happy joy joy all the time. Definately not today. I feel bad for Max, he'll probably stear clear of me all day:)
Max is pissy with me as he threw attitude at me and this isn't the best day for him to throw his hormones around and I kind of just let him have it. He's allowed to be Mr. Grumpy Pants and walk around the house morosely, but surely Momma Bear is not.
I'm a little peeved with someone right now and I have no idea how to approach the subject, but I've felt something brewing for some time now and I need to talk with this particular party and try to be heard, otherwise I predict conflict. Sadly, I know this person has NO idea how I am feeling and I'm not even sure would care all that much. It's hard to say, I don't really feel I know them any more.
I am just grumpy I guess. It's not based on any one thing other than that I'm probably a little tired and feel dissappiontment, but in order to feel dissapointment one must have expectations of others and having expectations is often dangerous.
Sigh.
On a sweeter note, my day lilly's are coming up like gangbusters. I have more flowbers to plant, but have yet to get motivated to do so. I had planned on that this morning, woke up bright and early on a Sunday and everything to get to it and realized in the shower that I'm far more sunburned then I'd realized from Max's soccer game yesterday. In fact, all exposed skin from those 4 hours in the sun are a deep to deeper shade of red depending on the location (forhead, upper arms and shoulders are toasted) and I feel like a giant dumbass for forgetting sunscreen. HELLO! It's Colorado and this is Ms. White As A Ghost Sarah, DURGGGGH!
Maybe that's why I'm so grumpy? Do I really need a reason? Aren't I just allowed sometimes to be feel this way and that can be ok, right? I don't HAVE to be happy happy joy joy all the time. Definately not today. I feel bad for Max, he'll probably stear clear of me all day:)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Quicker Than A Ray Of Light!
I like to pretend this song was written just for me:)
Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one
Happy Friday To You My Lovlies!
Love to you all
Xo,
S
PS: in 4 months people! Let's get ready to rummmmmbbbbbbble!
http://www.denverconvention2008.com/
Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one
Happy Friday To You My Lovlies!
Love to you all
Xo,
S
PS: in 4 months people! Let's get ready to rummmmmbbbbbbble!
http://www.denverconvention2008.com/
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I Miss That Girl, But Don't Really Know Who She Is
There was a time in my life, pretty much during the entirety of my twenties when I took a great deal of pride in how I looked. I do not believe it was out of vanity, I believe it was that then I enjoyed it. My nails were always polished. My entire body was smooth, soft and smelled yummy. I'd spend hours getting ready to go out and surely a far cry more than my 15 minutes in the morning now to get ready for work. I wore cute clothes and shopped thrift stores relentless to find things that fit my style and were affordable for a working, single mom. I worked out 5 - 6 days a week and ate pretty much perfectly at least that many days a week. I was down to a size 9/10 jeans and wore a size 8 dress. I was still chunky, but a healthy chunky for me. My tummy was pretty flat, my legs were long and firm and I remember looking forward to summer so I could wear shorts and skirts rather than fearing it like the plague. I loved shoes, chunky shoes and heels and my favorites were boots. Boots of all kinds. Long sleek black leather knee highs. Hiking boots. Ankle high boots. I look back at the girl I was then I think of how much I miss her. Unfortunately, I of course did not appreciate her back then. I was always striving to loose another 5 lbs or get the perfect arch in my eyebrow. I was never satisfied then with her and now I'd cry a million tears to be her again. Sort of.
The bottom line has become that I am a changed women. My mind, spirit and body have suffered tremendous travesties in these past years. On some levels, my self esteem is so far gone down the toilet that I've lost any and all interest in taking the time to or make the effort to even feel pretty again, let alone look it. Much of it is my weight. Some of it is that I simply don't want the attention. Let me just say that during those years as a long legged pixie cherub, the majority of attention I received was unwanted and unsolicited. I never realized it then, but I was a pretty sexual being. Most of it truly was unintentional, but my body is naturally buxom and when you are built like that and have long blonde hair to boot....you get attention. I didn't like it a lot of the time and then when I did start to like it, I sought it from sources that were not healthy for me. Men who would spill lies from their mouths and were just self destructive enough at the for me to fall for them. Women who would insult me and talk about me behind my back and I would let them, because I didn't really think I was worth much more either.
But the attention piece isn't all of it, I am just plain fat and out of shape and I'm so tired of it. Maybe I wouldn't want to be the 24 year old vixen again and have all of her insecurities and experiences to go through again. But I wouldn't mind being closer to a size 10 again, hell a good solid size 12 would make me happy at this point. I wouldn't mind feeling pretty and sexy again and young! I'm aging myself every day it feels like just being in this body. This isn't my body, this isn't my ass and this belly is definitely not my belly. It's some strangers who took me over for a while and let herself throw caution to the wind in every way and it didn't work out so now it's time to find that girl again with some will power, a sense of self, and how she loved to work out and eat salad every day. I know that now I'd know how to manage any weird attention I might get because I have grown significantly from those days when I let people treat me like shit because I didn't know I deserved any better. Sure, now I might dress a little different (I still love boots though, I just love them...actually my shoe style will always remain funky on some level, I love blue toe nail polish and chunky sandals, what can I say?) or wear my hair differently. I may adopt a more sophisticated 30 something look rather than a 20 something club hopping party girl. And most definitely I wouldn't want to be 20 something again, go through all that heartache and pain again? HELLO NO! I've already been there and done that. But that's not really what this is about, I don't need to prattle on about the 1001 ways I've matured and gained knowledge from 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 years because that is readily apparent I'd say. More so, I just miss a part of someone that I once was, not all of her, just a part. I miss caring about how I look, I miss feeling desirable and interesting and pretty and fun. I miss thinking of myself as "fairly fit." I miss blue toe nail polish and working out for hours and feeling the lean ness of my body during upward and down ward dog during a good yoga session. I've never been able to jog (bad for the kidneys) but I once could hike for 3 or more hours at a time. In Colorado, this is no small feat. I would kick box 3 times a week, walk at least 1 - 2 miles per day and do yoga the other 2 - 3 days a week. I did sit ups and girly push ups and lots and lots of leg/butt/hip toning. My ankles didn't ache. My knees weren't sore from being so heavy. My belly didn't protrude like some alien growing from within it. I once wore cute skirts and teeny little tank tops in the summer and jeans and sweaters in the winter. I spent 2 years devoutly learning and reading the teachings of Taoism and Buddhism. I meditated, I strived for my spirituality. I couldn't wait to get another tattoo on my body somewhere because I enjoyed the process and my body in it. Sure, during this time I agonized and ached and spent many moons in total angst over love and memories from my childhood and trying to understand the world and how I fit into it. I cried and thought I might die some days from the confusion and pain of what I saw around me. I saw horrible things happen to good people, I lost jobs and money and made it all back and lost it again. I was sick and well and sick again. I still go through all of these things regularly, but with age and time and experience these things all appear differently to me. I experience them differently. Yes, I still ache and when I think of how I literally thought I might not make it through another day last summer...sigh. I've felt pain I didn't even know could exist and am certainly wiser in some senses obviously. But I am a colder woman, I feel it. A little darker, more cynical, less innocent. Surely I wasn't an innocent then, perhaps that's the wrong word. Maybe idealistic is a better choice. Naive? Ignorance is bliss no? I loved freely, gave of myself openly and certainly never thought of the people around me as cruel or heartless or manipulative. As I've said repeatedly before, some died in me. Something important, something I miss. And as I type this I realize that my external body, my external self won't reflect any kind of inner peace or harmony or balance until it is actually achieved. Which is a life long journey for all of us, I believe. I certainly wasn't these things when I was a size 10, but I surely faked it well didn't I? I don't want to fake it any more. I want to feel true freedom and joy in my spirit. I do more and more every day. I feel more alive and brighter, I find solace and peace is small things each day. Birds in the park when I walk, an afternoon with a good friend. My home feels more like my home every day and my family feels closer with each bump and trip and fall. Certainly I've begun the process of eviction of that which is not healthy for me or my family.
The real question I have I think is more....how do I find myself again? I do I become this new version of myself? A Sarah TODAY that is interesting and grounded and pretty and loving and open and giving? A Sarah today that is living life happily and not abusing her body or her psyche? I don't even know where to start some days...though I'm certain it has something to do with sparkly blue toe nail polish.
The bottom line has become that I am a changed women. My mind, spirit and body have suffered tremendous travesties in these past years. On some levels, my self esteem is so far gone down the toilet that I've lost any and all interest in taking the time to or make the effort to even feel pretty again, let alone look it. Much of it is my weight. Some of it is that I simply don't want the attention. Let me just say that during those years as a long legged pixie cherub, the majority of attention I received was unwanted and unsolicited. I never realized it then, but I was a pretty sexual being. Most of it truly was unintentional, but my body is naturally buxom and when you are built like that and have long blonde hair to boot....you get attention. I didn't like it a lot of the time and then when I did start to like it, I sought it from sources that were not healthy for me. Men who would spill lies from their mouths and were just self destructive enough at the for me to fall for them. Women who would insult me and talk about me behind my back and I would let them, because I didn't really think I was worth much more either.
But the attention piece isn't all of it, I am just plain fat and out of shape and I'm so tired of it. Maybe I wouldn't want to be the 24 year old vixen again and have all of her insecurities and experiences to go through again. But I wouldn't mind being closer to a size 10 again, hell a good solid size 12 would make me happy at this point. I wouldn't mind feeling pretty and sexy again and young! I'm aging myself every day it feels like just being in this body. This isn't my body, this isn't my ass and this belly is definitely not my belly. It's some strangers who took me over for a while and let herself throw caution to the wind in every way and it didn't work out so now it's time to find that girl again with some will power, a sense of self, and how she loved to work out and eat salad every day. I know that now I'd know how to manage any weird attention I might get because I have grown significantly from those days when I let people treat me like shit because I didn't know I deserved any better. Sure, now I might dress a little different (I still love boots though, I just love them...actually my shoe style will always remain funky on some level, I love blue toe nail polish and chunky sandals, what can I say?) or wear my hair differently. I may adopt a more sophisticated 30 something look rather than a 20 something club hopping party girl. And most definitely I wouldn't want to be 20 something again, go through all that heartache and pain again? HELLO NO! I've already been there and done that. But that's not really what this is about, I don't need to prattle on about the 1001 ways I've matured and gained knowledge from 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 years because that is readily apparent I'd say. More so, I just miss a part of someone that I once was, not all of her, just a part. I miss caring about how I look, I miss feeling desirable and interesting and pretty and fun. I miss thinking of myself as "fairly fit." I miss blue toe nail polish and working out for hours and feeling the lean ness of my body during upward and down ward dog during a good yoga session. I've never been able to jog (bad for the kidneys) but I once could hike for 3 or more hours at a time. In Colorado, this is no small feat. I would kick box 3 times a week, walk at least 1 - 2 miles per day and do yoga the other 2 - 3 days a week. I did sit ups and girly push ups and lots and lots of leg/butt/hip toning. My ankles didn't ache. My knees weren't sore from being so heavy. My belly didn't protrude like some alien growing from within it. I once wore cute skirts and teeny little tank tops in the summer and jeans and sweaters in the winter. I spent 2 years devoutly learning and reading the teachings of Taoism and Buddhism. I meditated, I strived for my spirituality. I couldn't wait to get another tattoo on my body somewhere because I enjoyed the process and my body in it. Sure, during this time I agonized and ached and spent many moons in total angst over love and memories from my childhood and trying to understand the world and how I fit into it. I cried and thought I might die some days from the confusion and pain of what I saw around me. I saw horrible things happen to good people, I lost jobs and money and made it all back and lost it again. I was sick and well and sick again. I still go through all of these things regularly, but with age and time and experience these things all appear differently to me. I experience them differently. Yes, I still ache and when I think of how I literally thought I might not make it through another day last summer...sigh. I've felt pain I didn't even know could exist and am certainly wiser in some senses obviously. But I am a colder woman, I feel it. A little darker, more cynical, less innocent. Surely I wasn't an innocent then, perhaps that's the wrong word. Maybe idealistic is a better choice. Naive? Ignorance is bliss no? I loved freely, gave of myself openly and certainly never thought of the people around me as cruel or heartless or manipulative. As I've said repeatedly before, some died in me. Something important, something I miss. And as I type this I realize that my external body, my external self won't reflect any kind of inner peace or harmony or balance until it is actually achieved. Which is a life long journey for all of us, I believe. I certainly wasn't these things when I was a size 10, but I surely faked it well didn't I? I don't want to fake it any more. I want to feel true freedom and joy in my spirit. I do more and more every day. I feel more alive and brighter, I find solace and peace is small things each day. Birds in the park when I walk, an afternoon with a good friend. My home feels more like my home every day and my family feels closer with each bump and trip and fall. Certainly I've begun the process of eviction of that which is not healthy for me or my family.
The real question I have I think is more....how do I find myself again? I do I become this new version of myself? A Sarah TODAY that is interesting and grounded and pretty and loving and open and giving? A Sarah today that is living life happily and not abusing her body or her psyche? I don't even know where to start some days...though I'm certain it has something to do with sparkly blue toe nail polish.
Monday, April 14, 2008
BLECH
I got food posioning last night, will blogg more soon.
On another fun note, my Day Lillies are HAPPY HAPPY
Xo til next time
S
On another fun note, my Day Lillies are HAPPY HAPPY
Xo til next time
S
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
RANT RANT RANT!
These past two weeks, I am basically at my wits end with Max. I am so frustated with him today and yesterday and the day before. This time it's a school issue, grades. How hard is it to pull a C? To turn in a 100 point homework assignment. I've SEEN his homework assignments, it's not like this is brain surgery for freshmens. We all know Max is capable, we all know he can do the work. Yet, none of this is reflected by his actions in school. Seriously. Arghhhhhh!!!!!
All the excuses and attitude and BS I get from him about school has just about pushed me over the edge. I don't know what else to do short of literally going to class with him and showing him how to take notes and listen, forcing this kid to pay attention and holding his hand through the day. If nothing else, it might totally humiliate him which I don't wish to do but nothing I do or his teachers do or anyone else does seems to have any impression on him.
These are the days when I feel hopelessly anxious about his future and depressed about my ability to parent this kid properly. There comes a time when love and doing your best simply isn't enough and lately, I've been feeling totally helpless when it comes to him. I don't know how to motivate him, half the time my attempts to communicate with him about school are basically futile b/c he knows EVERYTHING and I'm just the stupid mom and some days I just get sick of dealing with it!
I feel like I'm failing him and he's going to have to learn everything the hard way. It's the last thing I've wanted for him. As it stands, I am concerned about him actually finish high school. This year has been beyond hard. It's been like a loosing battle with him on all things school related, except soccer of course. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth with him to even have a basic conversation about school because he thinks it's none of my business. He actually tells me that!
I really miss the Max that he was not that long ago. He's officially turned into one of THEM and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little overwhelmed by all of it. I love this kid so much and I feel like things are just going to hell in a handbasked, FAST. I don't know what to do.
One thing I know I have to do is rant about it on my own time so I can be calm with him. That's a good start.
All the excuses and attitude and BS I get from him about school has just about pushed me over the edge. I don't know what else to do short of literally going to class with him and showing him how to take notes and listen, forcing this kid to pay attention and holding his hand through the day. If nothing else, it might totally humiliate him which I don't wish to do but nothing I do or his teachers do or anyone else does seems to have any impression on him.
These are the days when I feel hopelessly anxious about his future and depressed about my ability to parent this kid properly. There comes a time when love and doing your best simply isn't enough and lately, I've been feeling totally helpless when it comes to him. I don't know how to motivate him, half the time my attempts to communicate with him about school are basically futile b/c he knows EVERYTHING and I'm just the stupid mom and some days I just get sick of dealing with it!
I feel like I'm failing him and he's going to have to learn everything the hard way. It's the last thing I've wanted for him. As it stands, I am concerned about him actually finish high school. This year has been beyond hard. It's been like a loosing battle with him on all things school related, except soccer of course. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth with him to even have a basic conversation about school because he thinks it's none of my business. He actually tells me that!
I really miss the Max that he was not that long ago. He's officially turned into one of THEM and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little overwhelmed by all of it. I love this kid so much and I feel like things are just going to hell in a handbasked, FAST. I don't know what to do.
One thing I know I have to do is rant about it on my own time so I can be calm with him. That's a good start.
Monday, April 07, 2008
ohhhhhh, durh!
The current atmosphere in my home is ripe with "Why do you need to know where I am EVERY second of the day" and "You don't get to decide who I hang out with!" or "Why does there always need to be a parent around if I am at someone's house?" etc....etc... and of course the classic "You just don't understand me!"
oh jeez. It finally happened. For real this time. Something internally tickles me that perhaps this is just the beginning of another phase with Max. sigh. It's always interesting and challenging, I'll give him that.
As it turns out there is a girl in the picture and from the sounds of the voicemails, emails and text messages....they are deeply and madly in love. I'm talking that insane kind of love that only hormones and 15 year old bodies can produce. yuck. I feel bad for the kid, he's not going to know what hit him.
This explains a lot actually. The obvious need to pull away from me. The insistence on total privacy. The snotty behavior and acting like I'm a total embarrassment to his very existence.
Yessss, it's allll making a lot more sense. DUH Mom, jeez.
However, I do have the unfortunate duty of informing him this evening that his phone will be confiscated after the hours of 8 PM until 6 AM Sunday - Fridays. You see, these days kids who are madly in love and think they can outsmart their parents stay up until 3 AM on a school night texting their hormone fueled confessions of love and angst about their sucky parents to one another. It's all so romantic isn't it? Swoon. Yeah, well not so romantic that Mom doesn't get to come in with a hard core does of reality.
Because you see dear Max, you can't just take a nap during math class to catch up on the sleep you lost while telling your girlfriend how much you adore her and think she's really hot. Of course, really, who needs math anyway? You certainly won't because you'll be digging ditches at this rate. Yet, as I am someone who ALSO adores you a great deal, I will take the lead and do the motherly thing and ground your ass from your phone at night so the natural repercussions of your actions will be made clear.
You can argue that I am annoying and controlling and difficult to communicate with. You can throw a tantrum and stomp around and try to punish me by not speaking to me. You can claim invasion of privacy, that I simply don't want you to have a social life and that because I don't have a love interest, I have NO possible way of relating to what you are going through.
I know, I know. It's all really unfair. You are right about that. Except, I'm your mom and while I do respect your right to privacy as much as possible if you think I'm not going to find out about what your up to at 3 AM on a Sunday night, you are sadly mistaken. You see, while you kids these days have all the benefits of technological advances that no generation before you has had, you must also understand that these communication advantages you have leave a trail. And your sucky mom (and this is the really unfortunate part for you my dear boy) has a fairly high working knowledge of such things as texts and emails and MySpace pages. I know, it's shocking AND as you've mentioned previous times annoying. I hear ya, I seem to remember thinking all adults were extremely irritating as well there for a while. Sorry though kiddo, the bummer thing about life in general is that if you blow it one too many times, you often don't get second changes. And then don't get to have things like text messages with your girlfriend whenever you feel like it and the freedom to spend the night with friends. I will always respect you, I love you and care about you. But because I'm your mom, I have to be the one to draw the line. I really have no choice and I'm sure you'll do your best to punish me and be nasty for the next few days, but now that I know there is a girl in the picture, it all makes alot more sense. It really doesn't need to be this hard, I'm not asking you to give me the full details of your dates (ew) or content of your phone conversations. Flirt away my dear boy, have fun! But you do have to stay awake during math class and you really don't need to be on the phone at 3 AM bragging to Kayley about how you don't' have to listen to your mom and you can do whatever you like.
Oh and lying to me. That's another no no that will get your freedom pass revoked. You are clearly old enough to begin dating, you are also old enough to be doing this with your friends without supervision to some extent. Except, when you lie to me about where you are and who you are with.....how do you expect me NOT to be all up in your business? Mmmmm, silly boy. If you think I won't find out...I'm sad to inform you that I usually will. Another really unfortunate thing for you Max is that I am wise to what your up to. Not all of it, but definitely a good portion of it. Because you see it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager myself and I was a wiley one in my own way. Yes, you need to explore and test and try and find out how much you can get away with. I expect a certain amount of that because it's your job right now to begin the journey of finding out who you are without me. That's cool and I totally support it. But again, if you blow it really bad.....well I have to be the mom then and I know you don't always like that, but tough tookies kid. One thing I learned for some from previous experience is that people who love you actually do put down boundaries, they say No and let you know that your behavior isn't cool. if I didn't care....you'd be out doing whatever you like at hours of the night with whomever you want. I know you know kids like this and it all sounds pretty appealing right now, but again....I care about what happens to you, a lot. I care that you don't think school is as important as "hooking up" with your girlfriend and I care that you think that you can blow of your school work like this and still play soccer. I care about your body and that your not getting enough sleep, which was apparent by the fact that getting you out of bed this morning was at least 10 x harder then normal and you were late for school even with me cracking the whip to get your butt moving. And I care when your snippy and nasty too me because guess what, not only is not cool to be mean to your mom, I know you don't know this right now....but I'm setting the precedence for how you'll treat women the rest of your life right now and mostly, you are fantastic......but this crap of lying and sneaking around and being disrespectful and nasty, it ain't gonna fly with me and I'd be appalled if you grew up to treat the women in your life the same way.
But above and beyond all this Maxter, I love ya and I think life doesn't have to be this hard. But it's mostly up to you and all I can do is keep letting you know that your loved and at the same time, I have to allow the natural repercussions of your actions to occurr as well. Negative or positive. For which you may blame me and take it out on me because you are pissed off that your not getting what you want, but that's ok, you'll get over that too.
Hang in there, you will make it through the next week with no texting at 3 am. I promise!
oh jeez. It finally happened. For real this time. Something internally tickles me that perhaps this is just the beginning of another phase with Max. sigh. It's always interesting and challenging, I'll give him that.
As it turns out there is a girl in the picture and from the sounds of the voicemails, emails and text messages....they are deeply and madly in love. I'm talking that insane kind of love that only hormones and 15 year old bodies can produce. yuck. I feel bad for the kid, he's not going to know what hit him.
This explains a lot actually. The obvious need to pull away from me. The insistence on total privacy. The snotty behavior and acting like I'm a total embarrassment to his very existence.
Yessss, it's allll making a lot more sense. DUH Mom, jeez.
However, I do have the unfortunate duty of informing him this evening that his phone will be confiscated after the hours of 8 PM until 6 AM Sunday - Fridays. You see, these days kids who are madly in love and think they can outsmart their parents stay up until 3 AM on a school night texting their hormone fueled confessions of love and angst about their sucky parents to one another. It's all so romantic isn't it? Swoon. Yeah, well not so romantic that Mom doesn't get to come in with a hard core does of reality.
Because you see dear Max, you can't just take a nap during math class to catch up on the sleep you lost while telling your girlfriend how much you adore her and think she's really hot. Of course, really, who needs math anyway? You certainly won't because you'll be digging ditches at this rate. Yet, as I am someone who ALSO adores you a great deal, I will take the lead and do the motherly thing and ground your ass from your phone at night so the natural repercussions of your actions will be made clear.
You can argue that I am annoying and controlling and difficult to communicate with. You can throw a tantrum and stomp around and try to punish me by not speaking to me. You can claim invasion of privacy, that I simply don't want you to have a social life and that because I don't have a love interest, I have NO possible way of relating to what you are going through.
I know, I know. It's all really unfair. You are right about that. Except, I'm your mom and while I do respect your right to privacy as much as possible if you think I'm not going to find out about what your up to at 3 AM on a Sunday night, you are sadly mistaken. You see, while you kids these days have all the benefits of technological advances that no generation before you has had, you must also understand that these communication advantages you have leave a trail. And your sucky mom (and this is the really unfortunate part for you my dear boy) has a fairly high working knowledge of such things as texts and emails and MySpace pages. I know, it's shocking AND as you've mentioned previous times annoying. I hear ya, I seem to remember thinking all adults were extremely irritating as well there for a while. Sorry though kiddo, the bummer thing about life in general is that if you blow it one too many times, you often don't get second changes. And then don't get to have things like text messages with your girlfriend whenever you feel like it and the freedom to spend the night with friends. I will always respect you, I love you and care about you. But because I'm your mom, I have to be the one to draw the line. I really have no choice and I'm sure you'll do your best to punish me and be nasty for the next few days, but now that I know there is a girl in the picture, it all makes alot more sense. It really doesn't need to be this hard, I'm not asking you to give me the full details of your dates (ew) or content of your phone conversations. Flirt away my dear boy, have fun! But you do have to stay awake during math class and you really don't need to be on the phone at 3 AM bragging to Kayley about how you don't' have to listen to your mom and you can do whatever you like.
Oh and lying to me. That's another no no that will get your freedom pass revoked. You are clearly old enough to begin dating, you are also old enough to be doing this with your friends without supervision to some extent. Except, when you lie to me about where you are and who you are with.....how do you expect me NOT to be all up in your business? Mmmmm, silly boy. If you think I won't find out...I'm sad to inform you that I usually will. Another really unfortunate thing for you Max is that I am wise to what your up to. Not all of it, but definitely a good portion of it. Because you see it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager myself and I was a wiley one in my own way. Yes, you need to explore and test and try and find out how much you can get away with. I expect a certain amount of that because it's your job right now to begin the journey of finding out who you are without me. That's cool and I totally support it. But again, if you blow it really bad.....well I have to be the mom then and I know you don't always like that, but tough tookies kid. One thing I learned for some from previous experience is that people who love you actually do put down boundaries, they say No and let you know that your behavior isn't cool. if I didn't care....you'd be out doing whatever you like at hours of the night with whomever you want. I know you know kids like this and it all sounds pretty appealing right now, but again....I care about what happens to you, a lot. I care that you don't think school is as important as "hooking up" with your girlfriend and I care that you think that you can blow of your school work like this and still play soccer. I care about your body and that your not getting enough sleep, which was apparent by the fact that getting you out of bed this morning was at least 10 x harder then normal and you were late for school even with me cracking the whip to get your butt moving. And I care when your snippy and nasty too me because guess what, not only is not cool to be mean to your mom, I know you don't know this right now....but I'm setting the precedence for how you'll treat women the rest of your life right now and mostly, you are fantastic......but this crap of lying and sneaking around and being disrespectful and nasty, it ain't gonna fly with me and I'd be appalled if you grew up to treat the women in your life the same way.
But above and beyond all this Maxter, I love ya and I think life doesn't have to be this hard. But it's mostly up to you and all I can do is keep letting you know that your loved and at the same time, I have to allow the natural repercussions of your actions to occurr as well. Negative or positive. For which you may blame me and take it out on me because you are pissed off that your not getting what you want, but that's ok, you'll get over that too.
Hang in there, you will make it through the next week with no texting at 3 am. I promise!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
It’s just been that kind of weekend……
Some days I feel like Max hates me. I heard once that your not doing it right if your teenagers don’t dislike you at least some of the time. If that’s true, it doesn’t feel very good I can tell you that.
He spent the night at a friends, I got him some new bike parts and service done on it so he could ride it around this beautiful spring weekend. He comes home from his friends this morning in a terrible mood and has been holed up in his room the entire day, basically refusing to come down and when I do talk to him he’s obviously upset about something. I’ve left him alone most of the day, we all have those days I know I have them, that’s for sure.
Finally I asked him to come down for some dinner and he begrudgingly agreed. After much probing from my end he blurts out “I JUST DON”T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!”
He must’ve been going for shock value. He got it.
I asked him if it was specifically ME that he didn’t want to be around or did something happen at his friends or what the heck was going on. He has been acting very strangely all day and I shared with him that I feel really concerned about his behavior.
“I just don’t want to be around you. Your annoying me today.”
I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. A lot. More so because of the delivery, something is obviously wrong and his being nasty isn’t going to resolve it and I’ve barely seen him so we feel disconnected. And honestly, in this moment I’m more than a little angry at him. I spend all this money getting his bike fixed for him so he could get out and ride this weekend, agree to allow him over to his friend’s for the night even though I’ve barely seen him in the last week because I’ve been working so much and Friday night he was in bed by 10 or so and out the door by 10 AM on his bike and he’s still stomping around here like some Maxenstien.
And this texting thing has already gotten out of control. He’s ridiculous with it, he’s on it every waking moment and it’s hard to keep track of who’s he talking to or what they are talking about. Not all of his business is my business, but most of it is. It’s my job to know what he’s doing, where he’s going and who he’s spending time with. Something about all this texting makes me really nervous. I may have that turned off, he just got it turned off again and it’s already a problem it seems like. In fact, he seems to think it can be a way of communicating with me rather than actually speaking to me. I’m not in that, not with my own son.
But all kids text like mad these days, I realize that. Hell, my friends and I do it pretty regularly. Maybe mom is having that moment of feeling really out of control and not sure what to do about any of it.
Besides, my feelings are really hurt right now. So I should probably just relax, go give him a kiss and hug before bed and hope the crust washes of him tomorrow morning in the shower. Some days it just feels like I can’t reach this kid and he’s doing his best to put up a wall between us because he views me as the arbitrarily controlling adult and doesn’t think he should have to listen to anything I say, even though generally always does. Sometimes with a lot of attitude, but usually he listens pretty well.
Sigh.
He spent the night at a friends, I got him some new bike parts and service done on it so he could ride it around this beautiful spring weekend. He comes home from his friends this morning in a terrible mood and has been holed up in his room the entire day, basically refusing to come down and when I do talk to him he’s obviously upset about something. I’ve left him alone most of the day, we all have those days I know I have them, that’s for sure.
Finally I asked him to come down for some dinner and he begrudgingly agreed. After much probing from my end he blurts out “I JUST DON”T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!”
He must’ve been going for shock value. He got it.
I asked him if it was specifically ME that he didn’t want to be around or did something happen at his friends or what the heck was going on. He has been acting very strangely all day and I shared with him that I feel really concerned about his behavior.
“I just don’t want to be around you. Your annoying me today.”
I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. A lot. More so because of the delivery, something is obviously wrong and his being nasty isn’t going to resolve it and I’ve barely seen him so we feel disconnected. And honestly, in this moment I’m more than a little angry at him. I spend all this money getting his bike fixed for him so he could get out and ride this weekend, agree to allow him over to his friend’s for the night even though I’ve barely seen him in the last week because I’ve been working so much and Friday night he was in bed by 10 or so and out the door by 10 AM on his bike and he’s still stomping around here like some Maxenstien.
And this texting thing has already gotten out of control. He’s ridiculous with it, he’s on it every waking moment and it’s hard to keep track of who’s he talking to or what they are talking about. Not all of his business is my business, but most of it is. It’s my job to know what he’s doing, where he’s going and who he’s spending time with. Something about all this texting makes me really nervous. I may have that turned off, he just got it turned off again and it’s already a problem it seems like. In fact, he seems to think it can be a way of communicating with me rather than actually speaking to me. I’m not in that, not with my own son.
But all kids text like mad these days, I realize that. Hell, my friends and I do it pretty regularly. Maybe mom is having that moment of feeling really out of control and not sure what to do about any of it.
Besides, my feelings are really hurt right now. So I should probably just relax, go give him a kiss and hug before bed and hope the crust washes of him tomorrow morning in the shower. Some days it just feels like I can’t reach this kid and he’s doing his best to put up a wall between us because he views me as the arbitrarily controlling adult and doesn’t think he should have to listen to anything I say, even though generally always does. Sometimes with a lot of attitude, but usually he listens pretty well.
Sigh.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I've not forgotten anyone....
I have a long letter drafted to my Aunt Marcy and GramE, am visiting Mary tomorrow for a walk and Sandy and I are going to free day at the Denver Art Museum Saturday morning. I am secretly seeing Matt under the guise of needing his help (LOL, j/k, but sometimes it's the only way anyone has time) and I've got a dinner date with Rhy & Margaret next Friday and another with Kim & Nick the following Saturday. In between all of this I am working dilligently to secure this part time job that I want really really REALLLLLLLY badly. More on that if it pans out. Work has got me turning in circles and Max's soccer season is in full swing. Taxes and FINALLY filing for bankruptcy this month. I hope, I keep thinking to myself that you know who should at least have to ante up for THAT since it's his doing in general, but I only think that way when I want to torture myself. We'll see, every time I get ready to do it something comes up. I know I need to call my Aunty MB and my cousins to firm up plans for my WA trip. I have a drs appt today to get the stupid antibotics I need to clear up this sinus/ear infection as a result of the last crud, I've been putting it off since Monday b/c I'm slammed at work. I've been sleeping like a baby lately and eating well, except I did last night discover that actual peanut butter out of the jar and dark chocolate Hershey's go togther better than any premanufactured candy. Sigh. What's a girl to do? I have a problem, what can I say :) Oh and a friend who I've not seen in a while will be in Colorado on business next week and we have dinner arrangements. That should be fun too. I wonder how he'd feel about Hershey's chocolate and peanut butter out of the jar for dinner....?
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
Thursday, March 27, 2008
You don't like cheese? HUH?
Turns out Gaia doesn't care for cheese. Weird huh? I figured ALL cats like dairy products, but not Gaia. uh huh. Not acceptable, too chewy? Not her favorite cat food? Yeah, unless it's actual milk....no can do. Not for Gaia. Good to know.
In other news, went to the doc today cuz my fever hit 102.3 today and I decided Hey.....when do you call a spade a spade? I finally caved after a good 3 days of feeling pretty bad, but pretending it wasn't there. Doc did this AWFUL swabby thing in my nose. Ever had a strep culture? It's like that, except opposite direction, right up your nose. Like instead of tickling your tonsels, it tickles your brain stem. Freaking gross and strange, like something out of The Matrix. This test is to determine if one have the flu, well guess what kids? I sure as heck do. Nice huh? It's a milder strain of the earlier strain of flu's that have gone around this year, but seems I caught the crud from an unsuspecting fellow traveler on the plane or in the air port.
As it also turns out (sorry guys) poor Jeff (of Paula and Jeff fame) also has a flu of some kind. My suspicion is that I brought it to them cuz I was feeling realllly bad Sunday, but sucking it up and enjoying the Easter Egg hunt and pretending I just had a mild hangover rather than feeling like a slight case of death warmed over. I probably brought it with me from Denver or someone on a connecting flight, cuz there are many...someone gave it to some one who gave it to some one else.
Paula accused me of licking her tissues while she was sleeping. I told her I licked her eyeball while she was sleeping instead(like a geicko you know?) and she thought that was reallllly gross. I think it would be cool. I've always wanted an extra apendage like a tail, or wings or a really long lizard tongue. There are many things u could do with all those things that would really get a reaction out of others.
Anyway, I've been home today and most of yesterday and I suspect tomorrow which sucks cuz it means I'll be working ALL weekend until I finish up my issues. On a really positive note, Max comes home tomorrow:)
YAYYYYY! Missed him, the house has been almost a little too quiet and it does make me think long and hard about what I'll be doing when he's grown up and I have much more time to myself cuz a) Kids in and of themselves require a lot of attention/energy/devotion b) Kids make messes, thus more house cleaning c) Kids dirty up clothes, thus more laundry and d) Kids eat more, thus more cooking/dishes oh and in Max's case we have an e) Soccer practice/games...which consume approximately 7 - 10 hours of my free time each week depending on the location of games and my "free time" is a sort of a funny way of putting "time I don't spent at working, cooking, cleaning, eating, sleeping, shopping or otherwise doing household things" which isn't much.....but I have been walking at the park while he's at practice.
This entire week I spent $40 on food for myself, did about 2 hours of house work and maybe 1 hour of laundry. That's it. Wow.
Ok, I'm off to bed now. There's something creepy dripping down my throat, which hurts like the dickens from coughing, last I took my temp it was 101 and I was waiting to my NyQuil and the strangest thing? My back and neck hurt, like ACHE....ick. NyQuil, take me away...................
In other news, went to the doc today cuz my fever hit 102.3 today and I decided Hey.....when do you call a spade a spade? I finally caved after a good 3 days of feeling pretty bad, but pretending it wasn't there. Doc did this AWFUL swabby thing in my nose. Ever had a strep culture? It's like that, except opposite direction, right up your nose. Like instead of tickling your tonsels, it tickles your brain stem. Freaking gross and strange, like something out of The Matrix. This test is to determine if one have the flu, well guess what kids? I sure as heck do. Nice huh? It's a milder strain of the earlier strain of flu's that have gone around this year, but seems I caught the crud from an unsuspecting fellow traveler on the plane or in the air port.
As it also turns out (sorry guys) poor Jeff (of Paula and Jeff fame) also has a flu of some kind. My suspicion is that I brought it to them cuz I was feeling realllly bad Sunday, but sucking it up and enjoying the Easter Egg hunt and pretending I just had a mild hangover rather than feeling like a slight case of death warmed over. I probably brought it with me from Denver or someone on a connecting flight, cuz there are many...someone gave it to some one who gave it to some one else.
Paula accused me of licking her tissues while she was sleeping. I told her I licked her eyeball while she was sleeping instead(like a geicko you know?) and she thought that was reallllly gross. I think it would be cool. I've always wanted an extra apendage like a tail, or wings or a really long lizard tongue. There are many things u could do with all those things that would really get a reaction out of others.
Anyway, I've been home today and most of yesterday and I suspect tomorrow which sucks cuz it means I'll be working ALL weekend until I finish up my issues. On a really positive note, Max comes home tomorrow:)
YAYYYYY! Missed him, the house has been almost a little too quiet and it does make me think long and hard about what I'll be doing when he's grown up and I have much more time to myself cuz a) Kids in and of themselves require a lot of attention/energy/devotion b) Kids make messes, thus more house cleaning c) Kids dirty up clothes, thus more laundry and d) Kids eat more, thus more cooking/dishes oh and in Max's case we have an e) Soccer practice/games...which consume approximately 7 - 10 hours of my free time each week depending on the location of games and my "free time" is a sort of a funny way of putting "time I don't spent at working, cooking, cleaning, eating, sleeping, shopping or otherwise doing household things" which isn't much.....but I have been walking at the park while he's at practice.
This entire week I spent $40 on food for myself, did about 2 hours of house work and maybe 1 hour of laundry. That's it. Wow.
Ok, I'm off to bed now. There's something creepy dripping down my throat, which hurts like the dickens from coughing, last I took my temp it was 101 and I was waiting to my NyQuil and the strangest thing? My back and neck hurt, like ACHE....ick. NyQuil, take me away...................
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tibet Protests
Please take a moment to visit the following site.
Various parties are attempting to censor the details associated with the protest deaths and beatings in Tibet, hoping to avoid negative publicity aimed toward the Chinese governemnt, as well as the 2008 Olympics scheduled to be held in China.
100's of peaceful protestors have been murdered and the injuries are far wider, including several monks who have been burned and/or beaten.
There are links to video as well as additional articles at the top of the page, I would encourage you to take a moment to visit those as well.
http://wikileaks.org/leak/tibet-protest-photos/index.html
Various parties are attempting to censor the details associated with the protest deaths and beatings in Tibet, hoping to avoid negative publicity aimed toward the Chinese governemnt, as well as the 2008 Olympics scheduled to be held in China.
100's of peaceful protestors have been murdered and the injuries are far wider, including several monks who have been burned and/or beaten.
There are links to video as well as additional articles at the top of the page, I would encourage you to take a moment to visit those as well.
http://wikileaks.org/leak/tibet-protest-photos/index.html
Spring Break!
Friday:
Up bright and early, snuggled and kissed Max goodbye, got the cats settled and was at the airport parking garage by 6:30. Hitched a ride on the shuttle from the airport, waddled through security with the rest of the herd and was on my plane by 7:55 and taxing to the tarmac for flight. My flight was less than 45 minutes total, smooth sailing all the way. Exited the plane and made my toward the Albuquerque Sunport terminal to find a beautifully blond and bubbly Miss Paula waiting for me.
We did a little shopping at World Market (my favorite) and Sams for the weekend. Tea's, beer, food. Supplies! And then headed back to Paula's to settle in for the weekend and grill up some yumalicious food!
I was greeted by 5 furbabies. All with their own unique personalities and varying degree's of kitteh krazy. Steiney is the old lady of the group, sweet as pie and ultra affectionate. I'd say the crone of the group, watching out, keeping an eye on things. Tia is the princess, quite beautiful with a big ole puffy tail that compliments her personality well. Spot (LOL, he's so FUNNY!) is essentially a male version of Gaia with white spots all over him. A bit of a tom cat, big and very vocal and really isn't going to take any crap from anyone. Harry is their most recent addition, a feral kitten that was found stuck to their screen door last summer. And Neil, awwww Neil....hims so sweet. He is basically a big cat stuck in a house cat sized body. He's HUGE, big ole paws like a lion. In fact, he moves and looks a lot like a lion in general. I enjoyed all of them throughout the weekend.
Of course, this was also my first real 'getting to know Jeff' experience. I found him to be pleasant, caring of Paula's needs and he and I got on well with one another. As it turns out, Miss Paula ended up becoming quite ill and took a nap Friday afternoon. During that, Jeff and I spent a few hours talking and in that time I learned that he and I have some interesting things in common. Primarily technology and crazy mothers :)
After Paula's nap, it was decided that she would need to get to the doctor as she was wheezing and gasping and freaking Jeff and I out. Paula has both asthma AND intense seasonal allergies. In late February, she came down with a nasty flu/cold thing while on travel in DC for work and hasn't ever really recovered. So, off to urgent care. We were in and out in less than an hour, with antibiotics and cough syrup with hydrocodone. Yessh, that stuff works good!
After urgent care, Paula stuck it out and we grilled and ate yum yum food and watched some Lost and everyone was tired after that.
Saturday:
Let me first say that Friday evening, around 3 AM I was visited by some kind of energy in the house. It freaked me out a little bit at first and I cannot describe it without sounding like a crazy person, but I know it was there and it knew I was there. Later, I realized it was just curious about me. Let me also say that this isn't the first time I've experienced this while on visit to New Mexico. In fact, I spent 2 weeks there several years ago and had similar experiences at an area we camped in and a small bed and breakfast we slept in only one night because THAT was a little freakish and Max with me. I believe this land is sacred and it has been defiled through the years in various ways. I always feel a sense of both sadness and proud strength during my visits to NM. More on this later but, I am affected highly by these energies of the area and while my intuition of these matters is typically strong, in this case on Friday night, I think any one would've noticed the presence. I spoke with P about the next day and she wasn't surprised at all, that there's all kinds of things going on in her home. Which I should say, is charming and epic on some level. It is filled with all kind of interesting things and I enjoyed perusing the house each day I was there, noticing things I hadn't the day before. It is a fairly older building, in the heart of down town and definitely unique in it's structure. I suspect alot of people have been in and out of that building from the time it was built, there is alot of speculation on what it was before it was residential. It does appear to be an cafe of some kind or a bread and breakfast perhaps.
Anyway(s - ha P!) Saturday morning, I woke up after having slept pretty well and we had brie for breakfast with fruit (oh yeah baby!) and I played playstation for a bit with P while she rested in the AM. Poor thing, she was still feeling really bad on Saturday but she bucked up and really made us all proud. We went to old town and spent a few hours perusing and oooohing and ahhhhing. I have to say, tourist as it may be, it is a fun way to spend an afternoon. For those of you who don't know, it's a mall of sorts I guess. My favorite part are the local artists (most native American) selling their wares on the blankets. P and I scored big time with the sweetest butterfly silver pieces you've ever seen and with the appropriate stones for both of us. I spend a lot of time admiring it, today I keep thinking about how cute it looks on my chubby little fingers:)
Jeff came to meet us and we sat and had ice cream and listened to the local music, gorgeous day. I kept looking to the sky and thinking it felt good to be somewhere different than my standard romp, how much perspective one gains from travel.
After old town, we headed home for a nap. Paula and I were both kind of tired after shopping LOL. After naps, everyone got moving for P's bday dinner. We went to pizza at Mario's, YUMMMMM! Way yum. There, we were met by several members of Paula's crew, including Alley, who I feel a lot of genuine warmth from. I enjoyed her a great deal. After dinner, we headed home and Jeff and I spent the remainder of the evening drinking wine and playing Playstation. I am newly addicted to this Star Wars game, I will have to have it for certain. I remember abruptly being VERY tired and falling asleep on the couch. Then I woke up and it was morning.
Sunday:
We had a light breakfast and I had a light hangover from the wine and bourbon shot I did. I've never had bourbon of this nature and as a general rule I don't drink whiskey, but my arm was relentlessly twisted (ha!!!! yeah.....as it always is to try new things LOL) and as it turns out, I enjoyed it. Paula and Jeff don't drink cheap booze, that helps. I felt better after breakfast and we began to prepare for Alley's son Riley to come for an Easter egg hunt. Actually, I played Star Wars and drank tea and Paula did most of the work. The mother in her came whizzing out in about 2 seconds flat, I could tell she wasn't having ANY fun with getting the whole thing set up:) It was probably the happiest I saw her all weekend and I can see why. Riley, is undeniably one of the cutest kids I've seen in while. 5 year old little bundle of compassion and intelligence. What a doll and his momma gives to that kid her all, we might just make it after all if there are more Riley's in the world. I enjoyed the Easter egg hunt a lot, he warmed right up to me and we spent the remainder of the day munching, playing with Easter things and visiting.
Then I was at the airport, on the plane and home! I came home to well cared for cats in my absence and was in bed and passed out by 9 last night. One tired girl!
Now that the detail of the trip is accounted for, some random reflections:
- This is my first time really spending any in person, one on one time with Paula. Contrary to the picture painted to me of her by others in the past, she is quite an endearing, compassionate and kind person. I already knew this obviously as we've become close this past year in particular, but spending time with her in person gave me the ability to firm up my own insights and affections for her. It is true that she is an awful lot of woman in a little teeny tiny body, with a little teeny tiny voice and big huge brown eyes that are pretty intense. It is true that she is direct, honest and I see careful with what she shares with others. It is true that like all of us, she is growing and changing and evolving regularly. You can't fault a person for any of these things. Besides, you'll find all of the women I am close with to be strong, highly intelligent and capable. We all get labeled bitches for that once in a while at least ;)
- I enjoyed getting to know Jeff more, he's alright. Loves Paula, can't go wrong there. He was extremely kind and complimentary to me the entire time I was there. He earned some brownie points too with a few things that I know men are supposed to do, but not something I see a lot. Like being considerate of their woman's needs and helping her out. Oh and Manly Things. Jeff has at least 10 high ranking Manly Traits to be appreciated LOL.
- Immediately, when I got off the plane I noticed the amount of diversity in Albuquerque. You don't see Native American's in Colorado and you don't see Hispanic/Native American babies. It made me very sad, that this beautiful culture has been holed up in a few scattered states where white people come to gamble and be waited on by the people who originally inhabited this land. I can't really put my head around it all, but I know that I can sense the cavernous divide between white people and brown people, it's hard not to notice and it's hard not to feel shame for what history has dictated.
- Albuquerque is sprawled out and probably populated in it's entirety by approximately 500,000 people. The Denver Metro area (which not only includes Denver, but west to the foothills, the south to the tech center approximately, the east ending at the Aurora city limit b/c Aurora is it's county now and to the north to roughly Thornton) is 2.5 million. 2.5 MILLION people is astronomical in proportion to where I spent the weekend, this was also hard not to notice. Rush hour in Albuquerque felt like standard I70 traffic to me and the lack of people milling around, except in the old town mall area, was also noticeable. It made me realize that I really do live in a pretty big city, it's a metropolis now. It wasn't when I was growing up and maybe that's why it's taken me this long to realize it because I still see Golden as Golden, not a suburb of Denver. But the truth is, that the population has exploded here so much in the past 15 years that the clear delineation of suburbs no longer exists. Everything is just build on top of each other. This realization was a surreal one for me.
- And finally, Paula commented on something that almost brought me to sobbing tears. It's not something I need to repeat because it is between her and I, but it's something I've thought long and hard about. The reality of my transformation this past year was made quite clear to me, that I have changed. It made me a little sad to see that others had noticed, that I'd become someone different than I was. I realize that this is an inevitable aspect of life and I embrace that, but this is the kind of difference you notice when someone has been beaten down and sand kicked in their face. I realize that my psyche has suffered, my body has been terrorized and I've come out of it on the other side stronger and most definitely wiser, but I realize that it still doesn't show on the outside. Externally, I am not who I feel like internally. Not in how I look, speak, carry myself or otherwise engage with others. Why this is, I'm not sure....but the cautious side of me tends to win. I am slowly becoming a girl I recognize, slowly. But it's taking time and I have changed, there's no denying that. And a disservice has been done unto me, how I am dealing with that, I am not entirely sure. One day at a time, I guess?
The trip was enjoyable and peaceful. Paula and Jeff were both generous and extremely hospitable, I felt very comfortable with them and being in their home and we are already coming up with "reasons" LOL for me to come again! Particularly, the hot air balloon festival! COOL!
More To Come Soon....
I will blogg on my most enjoyable trip to Albequrque to see Miss Sweet P as soon as possible, however I came to work to find that I've been given a rather large project this week which promises to keep me both busy AND challenged. WOOT WOOT!
In short, the trip was relaxing, enjoyable, comfortable and loving. Paula and Jeff were extremely generous and hospitable AND I made 5 new furbaby friends; Harry, Niel, Stieney; Spot and Tia. My flights to and fro were short and sweet (unbelievely short!) all was well at home. Couldn't have asked for a smoother long weekend! I came home with a renewed sense of warmth and love, a pretty new piece of silver on mah finger and all kinds of fun smells for Gaia and Pumpkin to explore. Gaia nosed me rather aggressively for a good hour last night. Silley kittehs!
More to come soon!
Xo,
S
In short, the trip was relaxing, enjoyable, comfortable and loving. Paula and Jeff were extremely generous and hospitable AND I made 5 new furbaby friends; Harry, Niel, Stieney; Spot and Tia. My flights to and fro were short and sweet (unbelievely short!) all was well at home. Couldn't have asked for a smoother long weekend! I came home with a renewed sense of warmth and love, a pretty new piece of silver on mah finger and all kinds of fun smells for Gaia and Pumpkin to explore. Gaia nosed me rather aggressively for a good hour last night. Silley kittehs!
More to come soon!
Xo,
S
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Groove IS In The Heart
1) One Birthday Girl
Check
2) Travel arrangments to Albequrque
Check
3) Booty shaking, body rocking song to blast off a long weekend:
CHECK!
Check
2) Travel arrangments to Albequrque
Check
3) Booty shaking, body rocking song to blast off a long weekend:
CHECK!
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