I must have been a extra-good Mango this year! WHOA

How spoiled I was this year! Oh my goodness, you'd think I won a Nobel Peace prize or something!

My Grandparents in WA sent the always most appreciated cashola gift, cuz I am perpetually without cash (though that is getting better) and they always help so much, bless their hearts.

My Aunty MB sent me some glorious homemade candles that smell absolutely sinful, a very interesting looking book that C recognized immediately and thought I would enjoy it tremendously. AND...in a small, neatly wrapped little package....a precious goddess candle that I put in my pocket and kept with me the whole day after I opened it.

My Aunt Marcy sent me a lovely handmade scarf, very soft and made with love, of course! Oh yeas.....and fudge of course! Delish!

Mary-Momma spoiled me rotten as usual with all sorts of comforting things. Soft purple pajama's that make me feel like a princess, fuzzy white slippers, lotions and potions...a new book that looks uber interesting and this really cool pen. Once Chance gets out of my 'office' space and gets into his own, I'm going to have room to make that desk MINE and the pen...will be there...and not touched by anyone cuz it's really neat and it's MINE. I don't like to share sometimes;( Sorry everyone. Oh oh and some very generous gift certificates to go buy myself some more updated clothing and finally, some other new unmentionables that I've needed FOREVER!

Gayle & Jeff gave me these two cute hoodies, one is blue and very soft and has butterflies and neat spritey things all over it...and the other is DKNY...which is always cooooozy! Smelly good candle, I love it...that goes in our room, my side of the bed (wink) and some fun flavored oils to use in the kitchen. And Jeff's mom sent over a lovely Christmas bouquet with roses and other pretty things. Aw, so sweet.

Chance spoiled me terribly. Guess what he got for me? He's getting me a membership to our local rec center, with 3 visits with a personal trainer! AND AND AND.....he's going to have someone come clean the house for us once a week for a while to help me get on top of things....but mostly, so I can not worry as much about what needs to be done around the house....and work on MYSELF! What a guy:) Course, it ultimately benefits him as well cuz a healthy Mango is a happy Mango...not to mention a hotter Mango:) C also got me some fun items for my car, a beautiful (and very gothy, my fav!) necklace and earrings, and a Tibetan style candle holder...with very scrumptious earthy type candles. He did very good this year and I am proud of him for all the effort he made.

Good job C!

Max wasn't able to go shopping due to the snow...oh yes, the snow. Pretty much jacked up all of our plans and sort of made the whole thing chaotic. I have a zillion phone calls/emails to return to family and friends...sorry to my GramE & Aunty MB, Crystal and RoseBud...and Sandy...and so on. I'll catch up. I'm pretty behind at work b/c of the snow so this week promises to be hectic. I'll do the best I can.

Oh yes and Maxter...well the kid made out like a bandit...I'll post pictures of his glee:)

Am not one to support the commercialism and insane consumerism that goes on during the Holidays...but I will say this, it is fun to be thought of and for the people in my life to be so giving to me and my family. We are truly blessed!

Peace.

It's A Blizzard!

In case any of you are wondering, it's freaking snowing in mass quantities here. I've seen storms like this before here, but this one is pretty nasty. We have about a foot, maybe 14-15 inches since 8 AM this morning and they are saying another foot. The entire city is pretty much shut down, work is already cancelled tomorrow (except I was 'lucky' enough to get a laptop, so I still have to work from home, ah well...makes brownie points with the boss/client) and Max/Chance are also definately off tomorrow.

So, Max gets an extended Holiday break because he was scheduled off on Friday anyway...so as you can imagine, he's pretty friggin happy!

Chance made me a lovely meal, so delicious...he's such a good cook! I got some work done today, but not as much as I'd like.

So, we ar well stocked - warm, safe and with power at the moment. Time to hunker in and hope our luck holds out on the power!

Love you all!

PS: Aunty...I am glad you went to the doc, take care.
PPS: GramE, got your email...will write more soon.
PPPS: MG, we are making peanut butter cookies tonight with free range eggs and organic milk, so I'm feeling better about eating sweets.

Peace
s

Today...I eat chocolate...

Why? Because I like chocolate. It's very tasty and like all things (I am finally learning) it is even better in moderation. A little bit here and there goes a long way, no?

I am particularly fond of 3 Musketeer bars...the are 1/3 less fattening than REGULAR candy bars (ha, like it matters...once your chowing down on a candy bar....the calories are a moot point over all) and is made with a dark chocolatey coating and some sort of fluffy center. I probably don't want to know what that stuff is in the middle. It's probably made out of kitten whiskers or something awful I would never knowingly condone.

The amount of food, products and processes in our culture that are reliant in a destructive way upon the Earth and it's life forms is staggering. I can't read any more PETA, I can't even read the labels of food because I find all descriptions of things that sound strangely chemical or tortuously like another name for kitten whiskers.

Why can't I just have some chocolate with no strangeness in it? I don't want to spend $ on things that are going to contribute to the destructiveness, I just want a piece of damn chocolate. MINUS THE KITTEN WHISKERS please! Minus any animal byproduct...PLEASE!

I am not comfortable with being a carnivore, at all...I hate that it will get snuck in on me in the most random places. Sure, if you buy a candy bar...it's probably got MILK or EGGS or some other dairy product....thus PUS MILK....but, there are chocolates out there that use soy and I can deal with that, if you can find them. argh.

My frustration is....I am only one person, I cannot be held accountable for all the woes and mysteries of the world...even though my other personality would tell you I definitely AM accountable for everything I do that in any way impacts the Earth or another life form. Of course I am. And sometimes, when I am feeling impulsive...that sort of sucks b/c it makes me question my chocolate, glare at all that chocolatey goodness and wonder who it's mother was. MOOOOOO.

~ sigh ~


When did chocolate become my enemy? When did we become the Earth's enemy? :(

There's my rant for the day.....

Snapplefish

Because my poor Aunty has been down with the flu bug and she's always asking for more pics, I thought I'd get some of what we have up on SnapFish.com to help her feel better.

Hope you are feeling better Aunty, Look...I'm a good little sh*t :)

http://www1.snapfish.com/photolibrary/t_=13695325

I love you all, peace...
S

PS: I will post more of Mj as they become available, he's kinda hard to pin down.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Don't think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tails straight out and having your tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years ---- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than some kids........ they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

It's 12/12/2006 And....

• Cynthia McKinney has submitted a bill to impeach President Bush!
  
  


• The House & Senate will have a whole new set of cast members in a matter of weeks.
  
  
• My Mary will be off her feet for a while, so I want to be available to her as much as possible. I'm not sure what to make them for dinner, maybe something Mexicanish.
  
  
• Chance's Mom will be in town on Friday, 12/15/2006 and we have lots of plans to spend time with her.
  
  
• Max will be out of school for almost 3 full weeks on 12/22/2006.
  
  
• I am off work 12/22/2006 - 12/25/2006 (maybe 26th if I can swing it.)
  
  
• Chance and I are both freaking swamped at work
  
  
• Chance is done with school this Friday, 12/15/2006 (Pulling A's we are certain!)
  
  
• Kasha is settling into her routine nicely, though I think we have to work more with Max about patience when walking the wee pee pee dog.
  
  
• Gaia and Pumpkin are slower to adjust, but they are trying. Gaia just waits for Kasha to walk by so she can bat at her in that cute ways that cats do and Pumpkin spends ALOT of time being verbal about her discomfort with the situation. But, it's getting better.
  
  
• Peck will be here from 12/17/2006 - 12/27/2006 and I am hoping desperately to get her to my house for a bit, I want to hug the preggers belly.
  
  
• I haven't talked to one of my best friends in months and we both have too much going on (Sorry Crys)
  
  
• I had a very eventful weekend this past weekend in which I met a major milestone, one I hope to continue and can only bring good things into my life.
  
  
• My Aunt Marcy sent me some scrumptious treats, I sent the fudge with Max to school b/c I can eat WAY to much fudge in one sitting.
  
  
• My Aunty Marty Beth sent me a package of unkown wonders as I always wait until Christmas to open my gifts, I love getting packages from my family. They are soo good to me.
  
  
• I, however, am terrible at sending cards or anything for that matter through the mail. BAD BAD BAD Sarah.
  
  
• I miss my family. Osmosis should allow for more frequent visits, right?
  
  
• Max dropped band and is now in drama club, hrm....shy boys in drama? Well, we'll see I suppose. Long story, bad teacher/student repoire. I am not happy about the transition, but I see Max's point. His new band teacher is a total goober.
  
  
• Kristen's Mom is almost done with radiation, finally. I will be so happy when she's done with all this and life can get back to normal.
  
  
• I am dreaming in the most lucid and vivid manner, it's quite alarming in some ways. I wake up and think I am somewhere else, and then there's Chance and Kasha and my favorite flannel sheets, and life is good. My body and mind are dueling out some demons I suspect.
  
  
• I have way to much house work to do, I still haven't gotten my holiday decorations up AND my basement is still a disaster. But, things are coming with time.
  
  
• Solstice & Yule are also rapidly approaching (thank Goddess I have that night off!) and I have some idea's on how to share it with Max.
  
  
• Doh, I have to go. If you haven't heard from me, I am sorry. I love you all so very much and you are always in my thoughts.
  
  Peace.
  
  PS: I am thinking of a number between 20 and 1228.

Kasha Of The Spaz

Yet more pics of the spaz dog....

If Anyone Is Interested...

I have a 14 year old know it all, arrogant and arbitrarily defiant teen age boy up for loan. Any hard labor...painting, cleaning, window washing, car washing, dog walking, lawn mowing or heavy lifting...he's yer man! If you enjoy unsolicited smart-aleck remarks, selective hearing and/or behavior that very similarly reflect Tourettes Syndrome, have I got a treat for you!

Come one, come all....I'm loaning him out cheap, only $5/hour. Well below the minimum wage. Actually, if you are interested, I am open to paying YOU to put his butt to work so I can have 2 hours of silence. You can't keep him though. He has a loving family and home, it's just that occasionally you see, he really just needs a good kick in the ass from someone that isn't me!

~ ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR ~

Mom needs a time out. Smoking again seems appealing. Breathe. Breathe.

And if anyone is planning on giving me the whole 'this is normal teenager' behavior talk, that's great, thank you...I do appreciate it...but it doesn't make me want to duct tape him to his bed any less. I'm trying t have a sense of humor, don't take my threats of physical punishment serious...I haven't laid a hand on that kid for disciplinary purposes since he was like 7 or 8 when I had to physically pick him up in the middle of a fit and put him in his bedroom on a time out and I left him there to throw his fit. Which was met with the WORST fit ever, and then by the WORST look a kid could ever give a Mom - like I had mortally wounded him (more like his feelings/pride I'm sure) for life and was the truest definition of abominable mother. He screamed and screamed at me for being a 'mean Mom' for a good 20 minutes and then I caved and went to cuddle him because he was crying himself hoarse. My attempts to physically control him only left him feeling more vulnerable and terrified, what choice did I have? Even big tough guys who have to be physically removed from the scene need their mommies right?

Freaking kid. I hope he remembers that when he's older.

Trust me, wringing his little neck has crossed my mind once or twice. But I breathe and think of why I practice a non-violent approach to all living things. Luckily, he wasn't raised in my family where spankings were the norm until you got bigger than your Mom and then it no longer worked as well.

Breathe.

Ok, now I am going to home where I will be the perfect picture of patience and use all my good mommying skills I have learned. And NOT duct tape him to the bed.

Wish me luck. And him too, he might need it.

And Kasha Makes 7

One 14 year old boy named Mad Max
One 30 something year old boy, (er...I mean man) name CMan
One 2 year old Gaia cat
One 17 year old Pumpkin cat
One 2 year old teddy bear hamster named Mr. Wiggles
One 1 year old Jack Russell Terrier named Kasha

I'm forgetting something. Oh! I know. Me. Hee hee, the sweetest fruit on the tree. Mango! I have no age, only increasing value and grace.

Chance won the race as to who would get their dog of choice first. But, I got to name her....BUYA!

Meet Kasha, our newest bestest puppy that ever was.....(better pics to come)




Let's see, things you should know about Kasha

She's a spaz.

She is a little over one year old.

She sleeps more than any dog I've ever seen. I personally think she acts more like an assertive cat. Hm, like Gaia kinda.

She thinks the cats are squeaky toys, but is
learning that they have claws.

She is extremely intelligent.

She has a ton of energy. She's a spaz.

She has one ear that flops over and one that stands straight up, she always looks like she's asking you a question.

She sleeps burrowed deeply under the bed covers, draped over my leg or
butt and she makes little snoring noises.

She believes she is a fearsome huntress and will let any dog who comes close know this.

She doesn't like the snow (It's snowing today.)

She's a total spaz, really.

She loves loves LOVES the bath tub. We found this out in a most
interesting fashion which ultimately ended up with me soaked and her needing a
nap after all that excitement.

She has to be wherever you are all times.

She likes to bark at her reflection in the plate glass window.

She likes to bark, I think she's talking to us.

She likes to be put up on the bed at night, even though she can jump perfectly fine. I sense a little princess syndrome.

She jumps a lot. She jumps more than a lot.

She's quite taken by Chances charms, like most females tend to be.

She lets you know when she needs out and it's imperative that you act on
this immediately.

She doesn't let her squeaky newspaper toy out of her vision for long.

She loves to snuggle me, I can tell she knows where the
warmest person in the house is.

So that was our excitement this weekend. I'd had big plans to call my family, email and write everyone and even get Christmas cards out. But to no avail. I ended up with a dog instead:)

What a great gift.

11/15/2006 Wednesday Wonders

The crispness of fall air fills my lungs and sunset this morning was vibrant and welcoming to my day.

Max gave me a kiss and a hug and went to tutoring yesterday afternoon with no arguments.

Chance got an A on his Mid-Term (woop woop, goooo Chance!)

I had vegetable eggrolls for breakfeast and they were delicious. I can eat whatever I want for breakfeast because I am a big girl now.

The past two days have been very productive in a positive way at work and home. I can see the outcomes of my focus and efforts. The outcomes are bountiful and warm.

I've worked out two days in a row and it feels fantastic. The image of my body and health are clearer, I know I can achieve my goals with patience and self-acceptance.

The vitamins, extra water, less over eating and better over all diet has increased my energy and fostered a more balanced emotional state. There are donuts and other gooey sugary things in the kitchen at work right now, I am in no way interested in eating any of them as I know doing so will not foster progress in my goals.

My work situation is less overwhelming and I have come to realize that here too, I have control of the outcomes. That my work is important and that my attitude is just as important in making the outcomes positive for my clients as well as myself.

Thanksgiving weekend is coming soon and I'm very excited about a long weekend to share with Max and Chance.

I give love and am loved.

We are going to look at a puppy on Saturday. We will also have Baby Evan on Saturday night so his Daddy can celebrate his 30-something Birthday. Which is a soooprize, so don't tell anyone. Baby Evan is alot of fun.....


My glasses came in, I can see. Everything is so clear. Now considering Lasik. I treasure my sight and am greatful for it.

My government can bring forthe change, I voted...we all voted. We brought forth opportunity as a unified source. The power of movement is extraordinary.

My breathe is concious and deep. My spirit is llifted, my mind alert, heart open.

Nameste

What Are Your Traditions?

The traditional American holiday known as Thanksgiving is soon approaching and Chance and I are planning a wonderful weekend full of ritual, blessings and warmth for the long weekend. My goal for this year is to further encourage the sense of unity with Max and establish traditions and memories, somehow, it feels more important to me than in years past. Maybe because Max seems to be growing up so fast, like time past has been wasted some how? Perhaps because our home now feels like a home, our lives are becoming more vibrant with our efforts and though my temperament has been funky these past few weeks, just taking the first, proactive steps to create and nurture a more focused, positive and healthy "me" lifts my spirits tremendously.

*Note: My first task is getting organized and creating a schedule. This may seem silly, but when your mind and life feel like chaos, it's time to take over the reins and get it on paper. I am a creature of habit I suppose, perhaps a little more routine would do me some good? I suspect it would also benefit the others in my home as I've noticed that if I am not on target, neither are they? Coincidence? Not hardly, it is only proof that I represent some level of balance to the menfolk, even if they resist it.

Moving on, this year I have planned to cook a healthy meal and bake some pies with Max (his favorite activity) and begin decorating our home and planning for the celebration of Winter Solstice. My hope is for the long weekend to be productive in a fun way, but equally relaxing and enjoyable. I'm looking forward to some relaxing time with friends and family, but mostly, focusing on Max and Chance.

There is so much for which to give thanks, so many blessings, so many ways in which we all can find love and comfort in our Earth and one another. What are you holiday traditions? How do you celebrate this time with your friends? Your family? What are your traditions?

On The Negative....

Chance commented to me this weekend that my attitude (and blogg posts) have been a bit negative as of late. I certainly didn't deny it, how can I? As someone who leans towards pursuing the positive aspects of all factions of our collective experiences, even I find myself in moments of dispair and fret.

Happily, our political climate has shifted and now faces the demanding, but at least now possible, challenge of change. Clearly this is something to be enthusiastic, if not totally hopeful about.

Yet, this morning, I came across this while surfing the net....


http://projects.washingtonpost.com/fallen/



The thousands of faces, most under 25 years of age, I can't find the words. Think of a similar project documenting faces of each Iraqi murdered in this war? There are numerous that detail the incidents and estimated deaths (http://www.iraqbodycount.org/database/) but the exact details, the faces, the mothers and children...

It's difficult to not feel dispairity over the massive loss of life. It's difficult to gather my thoughts, to fully comprehend the numbers, the lives, the impact this war will have on all of us over the long term.

The issues I am facing with Max's dad are pretty difficult and stressfull. It's nothing new to the countless other single mothers who have fought to manage this situation and I shall too, fight the fight to keep my child safe and mentally/emotionally sound through what may turn out to be rather ugly. Absentee fathers is an epidemic in our culture, in many. But no matter where you live, it's not being dealt with. These men are not being held accountable, and their lack of accountability is enraging generations of children. Affecting their self esteem, their self worth and pushing so many into poverty and with substandard opportunities. I cannot deny that I am angry with this man, any mother would be. Max deserves more. All of our children deserve more and not just from the fathers that mothers that aren't there to support and love them, but from our community and support systems across the board.

My stress level regarding a few different issues have hit the ceiling recently and my body has taken extreme measure to inform me that it is time to get the stress under control, else face the consequences.

With that in mind, I am having to make some changes. One of them being more of a focus on my own mental/physical/spiritual health. It's a beautiful idea in concept, but implimenting this plan of mine will take some effort, an effort worth it all eventually.

I suppose we'll see, but this past week has taught me some thing very vaulable and that is that I can give my love to those around me wholeheartedly, but becoming consumed by every emotion of every day is too much for anyone and at the end of the day, I must take care of me in order to care for the people and this life that I cherish.

How do you manage your stress? When negative, less than peaceful thoughts enter your mind?

Where Were You?

Where were you when he was circumcised
and I was totally hysterical and was asked to leave the room?

Where were you those nights when I'd rock him to sleep
and we'd gaze into each other's eyes like nothing else existed?

Where were you when he had colic
and screamed until we both almost went mad?

Where were you when he took a tentative first step
and babbled sounds resembling the word 'ball' and then 'Momma'?

Where were you when he was toddling
and climbing up, around, under every thing?

Where were you the first day I had to leave him at child care
and we both bawled for the entire day?

Where were you when he pointed at every thing
and said "Dat Momma, what dat?"

Where were you when we sledding in Bailey
and we stayed until everything was numb, but had to go just 'one more time?'

Where were you when he banged his head on that rocking chair
and needed stitches and couldn't sit still so he got an extra one?

Where were you when he was learning to use the potty
and using Cheerios for aim-practice was the funniest thing he'd ever heard of

Where were you when it was finals week my last semester and I had the flu
and he wanted one more glass of water, one more animal cracker, one more bed time story?

Where were you when it was HIS turn to read ME bed time stories
and I every page said cat, ball, moo, green and moon?

Where were you when he had a temperature of 104'
and I had to take him to the hospital in the middle of the night on the bus?

Where were you when he got his first bike
and took to it like he was born on it?

Where were you when he stuck a bead up his nose
and had to be rushed to the hospital, yet again?

Where were you on his first day of Kindergarten
and his picture ended up in the paper because of a special program his school was doing?

Where were you when the Columbine shootings occurred
and I had to show ID and be ID'd as his mother just to hold him close to me?

Where were you when on Sunday afternoons when we Candy Land
and Hi Ho Cheerio for hours, and then took naps?

Where were you when he was officially diagnosed with the kidney disease
and I cried for days and days and felt I had failed him somehow

Where were you when he would proudly display his finger paintings
and yarn work from 1st Grade?

Where were you when we put up our first Christmas tree together
and he had every ornament neatly organized on the floor, waiting with anticipation

Where were you when we both had terrible strep throat
and I couldn't take care of him, let alone myself...we both went to the hospital that day

Where were you all those nights that he had ear aches, colds and belly aches
and I had to send him to school anyway because I couldn't miss work?

Where were you when his first fish died
and we had to have a funeral in the toilet?

Where were you when after his first fish died, he started asking questions
about death and what happens to you and God?

Where were you during all those soccer games, baseball games, band concerts,
and karate tournaments?

Where were you when he kicked the winning goal, made a home run,
got 2nd place for his forms at tournament?

Where were you when he got in a fight at school
and I had to come explain to him that violence is not the answer?

Where were you when he was a shy 4th grader
and refused to actually sing, but could lip synch quite well?

Where were you when he asked were babies come from
and when I gave him the condensed version, which was immediately met with more questions?

Where were you when I was unemployed, had to have surgery, witnessed 2 friends loose their children, had to go back on food stamps,
and almost lost everything we'd work so hard for and I almost lost it on him?

Where were you when he started practicing his saxophone,
and everyone was convinced he'd be a musical genius, especially me?

Where were you when he graduated elementary school
and went to his first dance to celebrate?

Where were you when summers were full of swimming, hiking, put put golf
and all the other great stuff he gets to do at camp?

Where were you when he started 7th grade
and it felt like he'd suddenly grown and changed so much?

Where were you when his voice started cracking
and his face would turn bright red?

Where were you for all the doctors appointments, immunizations
and dentist appointments?

Where were you when he ran away from home to come find you
and I'd never been so utterly terrified in my entire life?

Where were you when he bought our first house
and he was so happy to have such a big room?

Where were you when he saw a homeless man on the street eating out of a garbage can
and it moved him to tears?

Where were you all those nights he is absolutely hilarious
and makes me laugh until my stomach hurts?

Where were you when his first crush was obvious
and he asked if he could use the phone to call her?

Where were you the first time I took him to see live music
and he looked completely shocked at what he saw there?

Where were you for the first time of anything
and the look on his face, the experiences we shared?

Where were you all those years, with all the love this child has
and he gives it so willingly, so freely?

Where were you as he learned about compassion and kindness
and integrity and honesty?

Where were you when he gave so much more to the world
and the world has given up on him in so many ways?

Where were you when the first shimmering lights of himself were being breaking the surface
and such a luminescent brilliance shown through?

Where were you when he....
Where were you when...
Where were you?

It's a long list, where were you? It's just a brush on the surface, where were you?
I would have been perfectly satisfied if I never knew....if you had never came back here.
He has a different perspective, he has different needs, he has that right.

These are the words he might bring to you at some later date, wondering where were you?
Where were you all this time that you couldn't find the time for me as your son? I'm your son!
Where were you?

He knows you cannot blame me, you cannot claim that I'd kept him from you.
He knows that, soundly...in his heart and it pains me greatly for him to know that.
I would gladly let his anger rage toward me ten fold than for him to draw painful conclusions about your absence.
Watching my child suffer because of your selfishness is heartbreaking.
If ever I had a reason to be angry with someone, this is it.
But I cannot be, I have to maintain composure and rationality.

I am not bitter or hateful toward you, I've forgiven you long ago for the stitches, the bruises, the vile words, the disrespect.
I am not resentful or spiteful toward you, I've forgiven you long ago for something no one can change.
I am not remorseful for the divine life that came out of that tragedy. Ever.
Though admittedly, I'd rather eat nails then speak to you or see your face.
I do not hate you, I do not live with hate inside me. It is poison.
I do not have to respect you though. I cannot. Until proven otherwise, I just cannot.
You have inflicted your own brand of abuse on something I cherish more than life itself.
The love a child, the love of my child.
I cannot respect that. I cannot respect anyone who would do that, not just you.

He is good, in that fundamental way in which children are.
He has not yet lost all of his innocence, something I am working hard to help him maintain as long as possible
He knows something about loss, how unfair things are...he knows that bad things can happen.
But some of that is still very mythical, possible yes...but not to him.
The world will bring reality to him soon enough, he's already experienced some strong doses as we all do.
Until that time, in which he braves out...it is my job to protect him.
And let me assure you that I will to the best of my ability.
You may not like it, he may not like it....but it must be done.
Anything else would be neglectful.

I will not be unfair to him, again, he has this right and it's nothing to do with me.
My only role in this scenario is to protect and care for him, and honor his needs by assisting his search for conclusion, resolution...something.
From you. That's all he wants, isn't it sad?
Just some...thing? His expectations of you are so low, that he'd take anything.
He doesn't care that you've displayed not an iota of support of any kind.
He doesn't care that you've never showed up for a single thing, nothing...
Because to him, you are nothing....YOU in the sense of the tangible you.
To him, you are an idolization, a fantasy, a dream....a man made of imagination and need.
Whether he is disappointed remains to be scene, not something I care to predict.

Let it be known that I will support my son wholeheartedly in knowing you,
But you should very carefully consider moving past your ego, your selfishness,
and any residual illusions you may have about a relationship between you and I.
Even if I were not living with the man I intend to marry, the man who holds more compassion and love in his pinky finger than 10 men, 10 x his size...
Even if he didn't love me and Max with great abundance....
Even if I was in the deepest depths of loneliness and need....
Even the very thought of any kind of relationship with you that doesn't involve my son is completely unfathomable. Incomprehensible. Impossible.
Fills me with disgust. Please never ever ever speak of it again, ever. Do not even allow the thought to enter your mind.
Forgiveness is a work in progress, I hope you can respect that and not cross those boundaries again.
You would do well to focus your energies, this great love you claim to have within you on your son.
Perhaps, with time...you may be able to repair some of this damage you have done unto him.
And if you think you have not inflicted damage unto him, you are sadly mistaken. Sadly.

You may see me as cruel, harsh, uncooperative or controlling.
You may not understand my decisions, behaviors or perspectives.
You can know that my years of devotion have had everything to do with loving him
and nothing to do with harming you.
You can trust that my intentions are good, that I am capable of approaching
situation with as much neutrality as is possible, because Max needs that from me.
The outcomes may not be comfortable for me, but I have accepted that I have little choice
but to support this child in this journey. Wherever it may lead.

I send this out to the Divine. The light of the Divine surrounds us all.
I trust this light to cast away shadows and bring anew rebirth and healing.

Blessed Be

All Hail Don Gato (The Cat)

This is a quick shot out to the Universe to keep a watchfull eye on the sweet Don Gato and his momma (Mrs. K) tonight. He's having a tough night, was diagnosed with lyphoma (sp?) and for kitties this means immediate chemo (Mom can't put him through it, don't blame her) that has a fairly low success rate or fairly rapid decline in health.
***********************************************
Much love to ya Don, dude you soooo rock! I hope this finds you comfortable, with visions of warm sun beaming through the window with your name on it, catnip and your spot on the couch with your Momma.

And Momma, I'm sorry baby girl...So many cannot fathom the pain people like you and B, S and myself...what we feel when we are faced with the suffering or loss of our furry families. They aren't just pets to us, they ARE our best friends, our confidents, our soul mates. There have been times when my kitties HAVE truly been the only beings in the world who I thought could truly hear me, allow my love, I even wanted to connect to at all in the first place....we just love each other because we do. Lie lazily in the sun, reading a book together...a blessed Sunday afternnon that you wouldn't change for a thing in the world. There's no judgement, no needless waste of energy, no ego's getting in the way, just love and affection. Wet noses and happy tails. Like Don and Gaia, with their own 'tudes, full of feline fiestiness, too funny! It's hard for me to understand how one CANNOT see the value in all that? It's so simple and kind... and just good, like in the most fundamental way. Like babies and lillies and skies bluer than seems possible. They embody love and life. And for what? I sometimes feel I give so little for the endless devotion, the countless hours of knee time...the purrs? And yet, we would do anything for them, right?

I know you feel the same, I guess I don't need to question with you the value of those four legged sillies circling our feet in the bathroom or burrowing under the covers in the chilly winter nights. You could probably articulate it all in a much more gracious way then myself, I guess I just wanted you to know that I don't know exactly what you are going through tonight with Don, but that I can empathize and the two of you are most definately in my thoughts..

I am very sad, for you both. Remember how much he loves you too dear heart! But, I guess...I dunno, I think cats live in their own universe. Their senses contain more than merely avoiding a stubbed paw in the dark or when earthquakes are about to occurr, I think they see things, know things...are things we don't fully know yet. Or accept even maybe? I don't know, it's different for everyone. I just know that Don is probably sad too, but knows it's not the forever kind of sad. If that makes any sense?

I hope your tears will be cleansing, I hope Don will be comfortable tonight and always.

Blessed be sweetnesses.

When Clients Just Can't Behave

I love my job, I mean I love where I work. What I do. Who I work with, I enjoy the challenges, the flexibility of this company. I enjoy working, I enjoy giving 110%. I could be here a while, this company has a large group of long timers, 5 or more years. It seems you either stay here long term, or you don't.

However, these clients are giving me an ulcer. The constant complaining, bitching about things that are out of my control, the seemingly endless demands. Something for nothing, NOW! The worst part? They don't want to pay for any of it. Do they expect me to work for free? If I could work for free, I'd be working with puppies or kids or teaching people how to use their computers. I wouldn't be working for free AND taking their abuse.

My poor boss, gets sucked into the middle of this crap on a regular basis. Like she's got time to babysit a bunch of whiney babies. If I don't have the time to hold their hands, how can she? One would think this some how implies that I am not doing an adequate job of managing my clients, but this is not the case. It's a history with them, constantly complaining about everything...I guess in the hopes that they'll get something for free?

Bad clients! BAD BAD BAD. Go to your room. Sit in the corner until you can behave yourself.

That is all, and don't come out until you can be GOOD!

14 Year Old Male Wisdom

~ Mom's rockin' out to 'Just Lay Here' by SnowPatrol on the way home last night from 3 hours worth of errands ~

Max: "Mom, if you are a singer or you marry a singer or a singer is in your family, do you HAVE to listen to their music....being sung by the singer."

~ giggle, Max's vocabulary and grammar skills are still in development ~

Mom: "You don't HAVE to listen to any kind of music. You have the option and right to listen to any kind of music you want, knowing someone who sings in a band doesn't obligate you to listen to their music."

Max: "Ok, well then would you be EXPECTED to?"

~ Mom laughs ~

Mom: "Ah, isn't that the confusing part? The difference between the expectations others have of you and what you think you are supposed to do or the expectations you have for yourself?"

~ Max laughs ~

Max: "Yes it is! It's very frustrating. "

Mom: "What prompted this question?" (I'm still trying to compose myself because this is one of those rare moments in life when Max genuinely is interested in what I have to say and asking a serious question, but the humor here must be obvious?)

Max: "I don't know, I've just always wondered what I am supposed to do if I ever marry a rock star. What if I don't like her music?"

Mom: "If you don't like it, you don't like it...you are allowed to have opinions about everything Max. You have that freedom, to think what you want, to feel how you want, to listen to whatever kind of music it is that you like."

Max: "What if she gets mad at me for not liking it."

Mom: "I would think then that it's her choice to be angry and that maybe you might want to let her know it's not personal, just not the type of music you like."

Max: "Yeah....." (Interesting thought provoking silence ensues...)

~ a few moments pass ~

Max: "I bet I will probably like her music and the way she sings, why would I marry someone if I didn't like their music?"

~ giggle ~

Mom: "You are probably right Max, I guess it just depends on what is important to you. If music is important to you, then it's something you might have in common with her. Chance and I talk about music a lot, it is pretty important to both of us and though we don't always agree on everything, there are some artists that we both appreciate very deeply and it's even more enjoyable to listen to it together."

Max: "As long as she likes Bob Marley, we'll be fine I'm sure. Mom, why does Bob Marley smoke so much pot?"

~ oh boy ~

Mom: "Yeah ole Bob sure did like the weed. I think he believed, like a lot of people do, that marijuana is a gift from the Earth and should be appreciated by all Mother Earth's gifts. I think he was a good man, very loving and kind...and has a zillion kids to prove it! He was a busy guy."

~ Max laughs ~

Max: "Did you know it's not actually illegal to have in Colorado as long as you aren't going to sell it? Up to an ounce of weed."

~ My son just said weed. ~

Mom: "How did you know that?"

Max: "We talked about it today in my American History class."

Mom: "Really?" (Wondering why we never talked about the possession laws when I was a kid?)

Max: "Have you ever smoked pot?"

Mom: "Yes, when I was younger. I don't any more though, it's just not for me."

Max: "What did it feel like?"

Mom: "For me, it made me hungry and sleepy and giggly sometimes. I think it's different for everyone, I know some people find it to be a good experience."

Max: "What if my wife smokes pot and I don't want to?"

~ what? OK what is going on here? ~

Mom: "Max, has someone offered you pot?"

Max: "Nah, not yet. I know kids that smoke it though...I don't hang out with them."

Mom: "Just curious then?"

Max: "Kind of, I don't understand what the big deal is."

Mom: "Me either, I don't know why it's not fully legalized and we are farming hemp for paper and clothing and possibly alternative fuel resources."

Max: "But you don't smoke pot I thought?"

Mom: "You don't have to participate in something to see the validity of it's cause."

Max: "HUH?"

Mom: "I don't have to smoke weed to see that the legalization of marijuana could be beneficial for a number of different reasons. Besides, there a lot of people who smoke it already, I think our government is in denial about The Weed."

~ Max laughs ~

~ Long pause, we arrive at the house, get out of the car ~

Max: "Mom?"

Mom: "Yep?"

Max: "I think it's ok that I like Bob Marley and he smokes pot."

Mom: "Um yeah, I gave you your first Bob Marley CD for Christmas, remember?"

Max: "And I also think it's ok if I don't smoke pot and I like Bob Marley. People think that if you like Bob Marley that you smoke weed."

Mom: "Yeah well, sometimes people can't help but judge things they don't know or understand. It's not your fault, just listen to whatever you like."

Max: "I'm really tired."

Mom: "I know, go take a shower and get in bed, I'll be up in a minute to say good night."

~ deep breathe ~

************************************************************************
Proof that Max is growing up in a complicated world? Yes. Was I quite ready for The Weed conversation just yet? Um no, not quite. But I was proud of myself for not freaking and turning into Momzilla. Panicking. Now the question is, is in he fact already smoking The Weed and if so, when, where and with whom? I really don't think so, if anyone would know what it looks like when your kid comes home stoned...it would be me. See, there are some benefits to having a crazy childhood. sigh.

I'm pretty sure that at the moment, my baby is still pretty pure. I don't think he's been drinking or smoking anything at all, not cigarettes or anything else for that matter. I think he's probably been exploring The Females, but to what extent I don't know. Probably not too much yet, he's very shy in that regard.

Some might be shocked that we are already having this talk at 14, don't be. It's the reality and again, if anyone knows that...it's me.

Aside from the initial trauma of this conversation, I can now reflect on how proud of Max I am and can be. Look at him, how thoughtfully and carefully he thinks about things. Don't ask me how words like "wife" and "marry" have crawled into his daily conversation at 14, but it does more often than this. I think Max wants a big family, I think he fantasizes about it being there when he's a grown man, maybe to compensate for what he feels he doesn't have now. That's fair, it's not his fault he doesn't have a sibling or a huge immediate family like a lot of his friends. He knows he's loved and all I can do now is help support and nurture the sense of family that exists within us and to let him know that from across the miles, he is loved by many. Besides, he's trying on the archetype. Playing with the idea, that he might some day be a husband, a father. It wouldn't surprise me if Max ends up with 5 kids, even if he vehemently denies it now. Let's hope he doesn't do that in the next 10 years or so, this isn't the first 'adult' like conversation Max and I have had about things like drugs or sex. Max is a good looking guy, he's going to get attention, he already does. I am in no way ready to be Grandma at 35, or even earlier, thank you very much.

~ ponders locking Max in the closet for the next 5 years at least ~

So today, I am having a "I handled the Mom thing well" moment. I didn't panic, I didn't even flinch. I was right on my game. Wish I could that every day! Some day I suppose, even the best of us are still but pups in training yes?

Peace out homies.

George Bush uses 'The Google'

It's quite possible that George W. Bush is in fact an alien or lizard man as we'd all quietly suspected. Speaking English seems increasingly difficult.....

What Does Your Heart Speak?

When you meet, what does your heart speak?

Are his eyes kind and searching yours?
Do they wash over you like hungry, selfish eagerness?
Does he remind you of someone, perhaps from a dream?
Maybe a heavenly, maybe perilous?

Were his first words to you thoughtful, curious?
Courteous? Interested? Interesting?
What of last night or at first days light?
Do those words still charm you? Woo you? Interest you?

Are his hands gentle, slow, patient?
Would another man pay if he touched you this way?
Can he forgive your insecurities, fears, your inadequacies?
Are you suffering for them and his too?

Is the door held for you, are you treated like a lady?
Not because you demand it, because you are worth it?
Is the door left closed, your needs neglected to meet his own?
Demands, requests, desires go unnoticed?

Do you see your path together, bright, meaningful, calmly meandering?
Too forced, too faked, too far gone?
Did you whisper his name and know it was perfect?
Did he says yours and know it was perfect, for now?

How you long to hear his voice, fill yourself with his smile, breathe him in?
How he must feel the same?
Surely he too must?
How you feel needy for something once endearing, now vulnerable, frightened, alone.
Surely he too does?

Did lazy Sunday mornings remind you of safety, something good, right?
Something you wanted and needed closer to you?
Can you forgive those Sundays now if they've gone forever?
Can you forgive the heart? For it's fickle ways and tendencies to dwadle?

When you meet, what does your heart speak?
***********************************************************************************************************
I wrote this with many people I love, and a few I don't in mind.
The woman we all are that search, hunger, thrive from love and passion.
The men who love us, who give to us, who make efforts to see our smile.
The men who don't, cannot, who still lost in their own cowardice.

I wrote this for all of us who see our partners as valuable, worthy, comfortable...and how easy it can be to loose it.
I wrote this for all the times I've wanted something so badly from someone and then I realized wanting it, simply did not make it so.

I wrote this for all the tears I've blinked back because of love, the good and the bad. I am still learning that even the best of people can still hurt you in the worst ways.

I wrote this for all moments I've acted like a complete jack ass because I didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give the man I love everything he needs and deserves from me.

I wrote this for all moments he acted like a complete jack ass because he didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give me everything I need and deserve from him.

I wrote this to remember, forgive, maybe you forget, maybe you don't. But you do your best to move past it and love each other any way.

Happy Halloweeeeeeenieeeeee

Happy Halloween Gang!

I work with a bunch of freaks who insist on celebrating Halloween the ENTIRE month of October (my kind of freaks) and today is the crescendo of this month long celebration!

HALLOWEEN!

This year, it was "Pirates Of The Caribbean, The Black Pearl." I currently have a mast, sails and 'water' surroudning my cube. My row of cubes is serving as the ship. We have a VERY convincing Captain Jack Sparrow (B is a cutie anyway, so you add the Johnny Depp-ish-ness and he's looking pretty piratey) and a whole crew of skally wags!

And moi? Well, all sea-fairing vessels must have a wench and that be me, aye! I'm the Dirty Wench, responsible for keeping these mangy scoundrels in check and on balance! How might I do that? Tis easy as two seagulls mating on the mast! By ensuring each n' every one of these stanky fools is nice n' drunk. B'Sides, these little devils loosen their pockets when they loosen their lips to drink the Devils drink. Tips AHoy! YAR!

More to come....

Baby Daddy Drama

Sunday, October 29th 2006.

Max has an incoming call on his cell phone, the area code is 307. I knew it was his Dad, but I didn't stop Max from answering the phone.

Max: Hello
Sean: Hi Max (I could hear his voice clearly), what are you doing?
Max: Hi Dad, how are you? I'm hanging out with my Mom.
Sean: Can I talk to her?
Max: Yeah, here she is....

Hands phone to me inquisitively. Eyebrows raised, Max was clearly sensing my immediate rise in blood pressure. This is the first time Sean and I have spoken in probably about 7 years.

Sarah: Hello
Sean: Hi Sarah, jeez you still sound like a little girl
~ cringe ~ Just the sound of his voice makes me nauseas....
Sarah: Ha, well, I'm not.
Sean: Oh I know, I know. I hear you are doing well. Bought a new house, have a nice fancy car, doing well for yourself. That's good, that's good.
Sarah: Yes, we are doing well thank you. How are you? (exchanging formal pleasantries, hoping to get this over with ASAP)
Sean: Oh I'm fine, you know I own 2 houses out here in Wyoming. You should come see them sometime. Hey, what I want to know is how you are doing this all, I mean...knowing you.
~ Is it possible to dislike someone this much? ~
Sarah: Are you calling about the child support and visitation issues regarding Max?
Sean: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Sarah: That's really none of your business Sean.
Sean: Oh ok, I won't ask again. I was just wondering, you know..I'm doing really well for myself here in Wyoming, I have a lot of money.
Sarah: Sean, let's talk about child support then.
Sean: You know your little schemes, in California (I was on Medicaid and food stamps while pregnant with his child, go figure?) well that ended up costing me about $6k in damages. Who's going to pay me back for that?
Sarah: I was on Medicaid because I was pregnant with your child and Max and I were both on Medicaid after that b/c you could not provide health care. I was also on Food Stamps because you could not afford to feed us.
Sean: Oh I know, I know...this is all ancient history to you because you never did care about me or us.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: How could you have done that to us Sarah? We were doing so well in California. I loved you and Max. And then you left me, took Max and left me to start your own life with out me.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: Sarah, you know that last time I came to see you? I came to see you because I love you, I didn't even care about seeing Max.
~ Yes, he actually said that ~
Sarah: Sean, I'm sorry that you are hung up on things from the past but all that matters between you and I is Max. I would like to establish a visitation agreement and set up a child support order.
~ Silence On Sean's Part ~
Sarah: I have a great attorney who can help us with this, did you get our letters?
Sean: So all you want is money? You just want me to start writing you blank checks?
Sarah: No, I'd like to set up a child support arrangement, a monthly amount used to support Max. He needs clothing, school supplies, do you want to know how much his health insurance costs each month?
Sean: You want me to pay for health insurance too?
Sarah: No Sean, listen...didn't you get the letters? It was all detailed?
Sean: I got one from your attorney, but no others.
Sarah: That's strange, because I sent them to you twice to the same exact address as where my attorney sent his letter.
Sean: What if I send you $100 bucks, will that get you off my back?
Sarah: Sean, are you serious?
Sean: Why don't you and Max come to Wyoming and we'll have dinner, I'd be happy to spend money on Max AND you. Whatever you want, I have plenty. I need a woman to spend it on.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Are you there?
Sarah: Are you willing to set up a child support agreement and/or visitation?
Sean: Well if you are expecting me to drive to Denver every week, I just can't do that. I have a life here you know, I have bills too. You think MY bills are free?
Sarah: Sean, you owe a lot of child support, we can work with my attorney to get this set up to so it works well for everyone involved but you have to start contributing to the upbringing of your child.
~ I am NOT calm by the way here, my voice is beginning to raise ~
Sean: Sarah, I have resources you know. I mean, I have friends who will help me if you make this legal.
~ Hm, this sounds like a possible threat to me? ~
Sarah: Are you suggesting that you are NOT somehow responsible for helping to support Max?
Sean: I've paid over 20k for Max, remember in California? When you weren't working?
Sarah: You mean when I was having our baby? And stayed home with him b/c child care was completely unaffordable?
Sean: It'll be a cold day in hell Sarah before you ever see a dime from me. You left me! It's your problem.
Sarah: So your not willing to work me directly on this then? I'd really like to come to an agreement if possible, it'll be a lot simpler on all of us.
Sean: I can send you a $100 if you want, will that help?
~ Sarah laughs ~
Sean: I'll tell you what, I'll start sending money every month if it goes directly to Max and he can spend it how ever he wants.
Sarah: No f*cking way Sean, that's completely ridiculous. I'll be happy to give some of that money to Max for spending, but what you aren't hearing is that he needs clothes, FOOD...you know, SUPPORT.
Sean: What do you want from me?
Sarah: I WANT you to pay child support every month, on time, the same amount. I want you to get on board with being a part of Max's life because it's what he wants, are you willing to work me?
Sean: I can't believe you wouldn't let Max come see me last time I was in Colorado.
~ This is a very long story, but has to do with Sean's side of the family trying to sneak behind my back to make it all happen and not a single person coming to me with the request to get them together, pretty shady business ~
Sarah: I didn't keep him from seeing you, no one ever approached me or asked me if Max could come.
Sean: So your going to punish Max?
Sarah: I didn't punish Max (now I'm yelling now) no one asked me. I HAVE sole custody of Max, you have to ASK if you want to see him.
Sean: You won't be able to control him forever Sarah, he's a man. Eventually, he'll figure out that he doesn't need you and he'll be out of there.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Actually, in about a year he's going to figure it out and if he comes here, he's welcome and you might never know where he is.
~ This guy hasn't changed a bit ~
Sarah: Sean, you don't know what your talking about.
Sean: What about my parents? Your keeping Max from them now too?
Sarah: That is not the case, there is a lot going on here that you have no clue about.
Sean: What about the birthday money I sent? My parents were supposed to give it to Max.
Sarah: He hasn't seen it. This has to stop going through your parents, it's time for this to be between us. We are adults.
~ Calmer now, but heart thumping ~
Sean: See, that's the poison apple Sarah. I gave up my whole life in California to come here to be closer to Max, to you. Don't you see that? And you've done nothing but fight me.
Sarah: That's not true, up until this past year I've allowed all the visits to Wyoming with your parents. I stopped it when it started getting out of hand and I've learned quite a few very interesting things since about what goes on during these visits, or what doesn't, meaning I have general concerns about his safety and care when he's with them.
Sean: So your going to try and control everything? He's not going to listen to you, he doesn't even need you any more. Eventually, he'll figure that out and I won't have a problem letting him know it either if I get to see him.
Sarah: You don't know what the hell your talking about Sean.
Sean: I'm not giving you a cent Sarah, nothing..your getting nothing from me. I refuse to just sign my life over after all I've already done.
~ Yeah, can you believe that? ~
Sarah: Ok, this conversation is going nowhere. I'm going to have my attorney get in touch with you to see if an arrangement is possible.

I can't even remember what he said after that cuz I was so angry I just hung up on him. I didn't handle this conversation very well, I wish I'd been stronger, calmer, more mature. But hearing his voice brought up so much for me, so much pain from the past and now, he's threatening me in that underhanded, subtle, manipulative way that he does. Not an ounce of respect for the woman who had his baby and has since worked so hard to make a life for that child, almost completely by myself. I've had help, I won't lie...Mary & Howard, my Dad's family has helped a lot through the years to, but on the day to day...I've done this by myself. Max and I have made a very good life together. Max was just as a big a part of making it happen as me, because he is patient and loving and good.

My biggest fear? That he will some relay this message to Max, send him the message that I am not to be respected. That woman are not to be respected. Max has the foundation, I've done a good job of helping to build that for him. Of instilling kindness, warmth and compassion for all life within him, though I know it already existed within him long before he was born unto this Earth.

My baby will be strong, I know. I will have to be too. It's all just so painful and the fear is very very real, I cannot protect Max from this man at the end of the line. I have legal custody of Max, sole custody which bottom line means what I say goes and I will pull that card where needed. The reality is, however, that ultimately...Max has every right in the world to at least have the opportunity to know his Dad. Albeit awful timing with the teenager thing and all and yes, there is a small, selfish part of me that is terrified that Sean will somehow 'turn' Max on me. But it's a chance I have to take, I have no choice. It wouldn't be right to deny Max his father.

Feelings about Max are clearly at the forefront, after all isn't that what all this fighting is for? At least from my end it is, Sean clearly still has a bruised ego about the whole situation. And, he's got some f*cking nerve the way he talked to me...like he's done a damn thing for us in all this time? Like I OWE HIM something? Like he can still push me around? Like even if I wasn't with Chance, whom I utterly adore and value beyond belief, that I would ever....ever....in a zillion years....EVER even consider being a part of Sean's life in any other way than how it involves Max. ~ shudder ~ My personal disgust for Sean is only surpassed by my love for Max and what it is that HE is owed in this situation. And how in the bloody hell can Sean even in some way, in ANY way act like it's not his responsibility to help support Max? WTF?????

Unbelievable.

Thank the good sweet Goddess that Chance was there to comfort me last night, I was shaking and crying and the tears would not stop...and I couldn't sleep at all. Thank you Chance, I love you and appreciate your support more than you know. I know things have been tough with you in school and all, but you know I'm down for my boo:)

And poor Max...in all of this, all he see's is his Mom walking up the stairs talking to his long lost father and come down later obviously shaken. We talked about it, as much as I could really...I told him that his Dad and I still have a lot of detail to work out, but that we are working on it the best we can and I'll keep him updated. That seems to be enough for him, for now.

Freaking hell.