Our Deepest Fear...

Our Deepest Fear...



Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.



Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.



It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.



We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?



Actually, who are you not to be?



You are a child of God.



Your playing small doesn't serve the world.



There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.



We were all born to manifest the glory of God within us.



It's not just some of us; it's in everyone.



And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give

other people permission to do the same.



As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically

liberates others. -Marianne Williamson

Back In The Saddle....or, getting there....

Random thoughts....

Probably like alot of us, 911 is a forefront thought in my mind. It really is such a sad day, no matter what you believe or what your thoughts are...it's hard not to feel the emotion of that event. The media rhetoric this year is like, unbelievable. I don't even know what to think about it, we watched some of "The Path to 911" on ABC tonight. It was so horrible, we had to turn it off. I'm not sure what we were thinking, I knew it would enrage Chance....(um DUH)...but I didn't realize how much it would upset me until I started watching some of it. We are not idiots, that program...was insulting. Literally, like I thought to myself....does the media corporation really think that people aren't going to see through this? Some of it is blatant propaganda, not to mention the poor quality of how the movie was presented. It's like a cheesy soap opera, or some twisted version thereof. Preying on the emotional toll of massive loss of life. I'm not sure what else to say, except I know one thing for sure and that is when my son is a grown man he probably won't remember much about what life was like here before 911. Before our government turned into what it has become. And I will have to explain it to him some how, how things like mass murder and war change a culture, and how it ever got to this point? I don't know the answer to that.

I know it's a hard day for a lot of us for different reasons, so it's not something I need to speak on elaborately or in much more detail. Because it means something different to all of us.

Onward....I received a lovely email from my Aunty MB that sparked in me much warmth. It's really amazing how that works, some people are pretty pschyically intuned and know exactly the right words to say or information to send at exactly the right time. It's generally from my girls that I get these little messages of love and comfort from afar, perhaps our feminine intuition in all it's lovely glory!?!?!?

So for me, today...even though I'm somber about the historical meaning of this day...I am quite happy about my desktop at home. I'm going to get the link for the specs in case any of my nerd friends (Dane!) want to take a gander, but I'm pretty dang happy with the outcome. Financed this puppy for as cheap as I never ever THOUGHT computers would be back in the day, and here it is all these years later and a brand new shiny shiny desktop w/ all the RAM, SDRAM, Memory, hard disk space, dvd/cd burners, fire wires and USB ports OH MY. The list is long and I was able to customize this puppy for development work, so I'm set up! Now, I just need some contract work? Helllooooooo, clients...I just need one of you, you know like a 50 - 75 hour project with a nice long development time frame? Here clients, heeeeeeeere clients!

Ok, and finally....since I didn't want to blow it I didn't post it on my blogg, but we had a surprise party for Mj for his 14th bday this past weekend (September 9th 2006 was the party, Mj's bday on the 10th) and it was a hit. The look on his face when we opened that door and he realized what was going on....like priceless. I should get a damn credit card for it (terrible tv joke in case you dont know) it's so good.

Will post more detail on this little tidbit soon, but it's damn good fodder for his next few teen years.....I mean there were sombrero's and moraca's! Good times:)

Already?

Max is turning the big 14 on Sunday. It's really too much sometimes, to think of how quickly this life we've created is passing us both by. When he was a baby, I used to daydream about what he'd look like as a young man. I would wonder if that beautiful platinum blonde hair would stay with him through his life and what his laugh would sound like when he grew up. I would do the math to determine our respective ages and milestones. The realization that he would be 14 the year I turned 30 was astonishing, but I really never lingered on this detail because then, it seemed so far away. 30 seemed like an eternity and 14 was almost unimaginable when here he was, just learning to climb at the park and had more then 10 words in his vocabulary.

And now, here it is. It's real. He's closer to being a man than a child and it shows.

Wednesday night we were cooking dinner together and talking (Note: This is usually when we really get into the meat of life together, especially if we are alone because when we are alone he becomes Max again and the bravado subsides) about his day. The way he stood next to me, came up and kissed my cheek and stood beside me, chattering on and munching carrots while I cooked dinner....it was a startling glimpse of him as a man and me as an older woman. It seemed the sort of scenario you'd see any child and Mom in, but this was like...well, I saw him as a man and me still as his Mom when he becomes a man. It was almost physic in nature and while those who know me may think I'd normally be overwhelmed by this, it was extremely soothing and warm and some how affirming that maybe, just maybe this kid is going to be ok.

Then I say to myself....Of course he's going to be "OK"....right?

14 was an extremely traumatic year for me, that summer is when it all happened and my life was changed forever. Again. After that summer, I went into a tail spin downward that I never recovered from. I'm not sure anyone could "recover" from what happened that year. You may overcome, you may heal, but you never forget. The next summer, when I was 15...I met Max's Dad and the rest is history. Those years may have been a pivotal turning point in forming the spirit within me and I never question their validity as I believe those experiences are ultimately what brought Max and I together. But when the memories bubble up, especially of the 2 years or so between my 14th birthday and when Max was born, I feel frozen inside. I become emotionally paralyzed and something that ranges from painful vulnerability to pure rage spews forth. But it's getting better with time, I think.

How this is relevant now? To this topic of this once toddling little powerhouse of energy and big huge lovely blue eyes and a hug that would melt the heart of any ice queen? It's relevant for the following reasons....

Max's life is wide open, he could go in any direction and has a great deal of potential. Like all children (excuse me, young adults), he is but in the first lines of his own book.

14 was a year that markedly changed my entire life. I have some pretty tense fears for Max because of this I think. I KNOW how bad things can get. Of course I don't want that for him. No mother does.

However, it has come to my attention that because my teen years were so extreme, that I am hypersensitive to a potentially similar outcome for Max and I am constantly evaluating our situation in the hopes of helping him to avoid the potential pitfalls of youth that can effect ones entire life.

I cannot punish, judge or crucify him for something he hasn't even done simply because I am terrified that he might end up on the wrong road. Granted, he's made some dumbass maneuvers already...but he's got a fighting chance to have a stellar life, and I must nurture and support that rather than worrying about the "could be's" because my worrying doesn't do anything except plant the seed of negativity and leave it out in the Universe to fester and grow into a potential reality. Think positive right?

Not to mention the fact that Max doesn't need to inherit my dysfunction. It's not his fault I had such a rough time as a kid and he doesn't need to be parented like in some tyrannical fashion to avoid it the same pitfalls that I made.

This isn't about me, this is about him. This is his time to shine, to play football and kiss girls and go to dances and get a drivers license. And hopefully, build some memories along the way that warm his heart as an adult.

And in the mean time, it's my job to consider my own experiences, continue to heal and grow and give this kid every fair shot he's got at life. And that includes sharing what I've learned with him, not living in fear that he'll repeat this cycle. Life will throw him enough challenges, right now he doesn't need to carry the burden of mine. If nothing else, I can teach him how to cope and grow through those challenges.

And really, the best part of all of this is that Max makes it all so easy. In those moments where he does plant a kiss on my cheek for some random reason I'm not aware of, or still does the whole "Mom watch me!" thing, or works hard to study for a test because he just knows he has too....and even when he's being an uber shit and makes me want to pull my hair out, I am so proud of the Man-Child he has quickly become, I'm proud of his heart, his love, his kindness and his boyness. I love that he loves to make people laugh. I love that I get to be part of all of this.

Happy Birthday Max. May 14 bring you muddy days at the bike jumps, crushes on girls, many a soccer goal made, school dances, music that moves you, 8th grade that doesn't suck for you and hopefully, you'll learn a few things about yourself in the midst of all the chaos that is being a teenager.

I love you and some day, you'll know that more than you can right now.

Daughters

I'm having one of those days in my life where I'm really missing my Dad. I have these days sometimes, I'm not sure what sparks the emotion but on these days I find my eyes filled with tears and my heart heavy with grief. I think there are those who can't understand this, because I was so young when he passed....I didn't really know him. These same people still hold a great deal of resentment toward him, resentment I no longer choose to allow into my own spirit and heart. But there are still others who I know can understand and can allow me to grieve and feel the loss, without questioning it or having judgment of me for it.

It's tricky stuff, the loving someone who is gone from your life....someone maybe you don't how to feel about, but someone you WANT to love. Someone you wish could still love you back, someone you wish you could know or understand.

I think alot of this is imaginary for me, it's very easy for me to create this fantasy character in my mind of who and what my father was, or what might have become. But regardless of any potential conceptual idea's I have of this man, I do know that he loved me. I can hear it and see it in the eyes of my Grandmother, and so I except that as the truth of his legacy for me.

This song, written by John Mayer, "Daughters"...I've posted it here before. But I think it's a very powerful song and it certainly speaks to my heart when I'm allowing myself to feel the pain of this loss and acknowledge it, instead of pushing it into a place that does not surface. I think for me, this song represents the beauty of the daughter/father bond and the relevance.

Enjoy.

*************************************************
John Mayer - "Daughters"

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE

>>>These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paull, a former
>>>Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes:
>>>"The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars.
>>>I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger.
>>>If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good."
>>>
>>>
>>>*AT LEAST IN VIETNAM, BUSH HAD AN EXIT STRATEGY
>>>
>>>*BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM
>>>
>>>*IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT
>>>
>>>*POVERTY, HEALTHCARE & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES
>>>
>>>*OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT
>>>
>>>*BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT
>>>
>>>*RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME
>>>
>>>*GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)
>>>
>>>*BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR
>>>
>>>*PRO AMERICA, ANTI BUSH
>>>
>>>*WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT
>>>
>>>*FEEL SAFER NOW?
>>>
>>>*I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED
>>>HIS COUNTRY
>>>
>>>*JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST - THAT IS A LIBERAL
>>>
>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE
>>>
>>>*IS IT 2008 YET?
>>>
>>>*DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson
>>>
>>>*DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!
>>>
>>>*ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE; THINK FOR YOURSELF
>>>
>>>*VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT
>>>
>>>*HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL
>>>
>>>*STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE
>>>
>>>*GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM
>>>
>>>*KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY
>>>
>>>*DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?
>>>
>>>*ASPIRING CANADIAN
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION
>>>
>>>*DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM
>>>
>>>*STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE
>>>
>>>*HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>>>
>>>*HONOR OUR TROOPS - DEMAND THE TRUTH
>>>
>>>*REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?
>>>
>>>*FACT: BUSH OIL
>>>1999 - $19 BARREL
>>>2006 - $70 BARREL
>>>
>>>*THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE
>>>STAKE
>>>
>>>*I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT
>>>
>>>*SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - IMPEACH BUSH
>>>
>>>*HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?
>>>

Not Terrible....but a bummer.

I have to type this quickly as I have been moved out of the safety of the more remote location of my former cube to this...PLACE that I am now. It's a long story and I choose not to complain about it cuz I do have to work here, but we are hiring new developers and they wanted all the C## developers on one side, the testers in one spot and the SQL programmers in another. That leaves me, the lowly classic ASP developer to fend for herself and deal with wherever they stick me...and of course, they stuck me in the WORST spot imaginable. Highest amount of traffic, noise and the light over my cube is so dim I feel like it's raining outside all day b/c I have no natural light.

I'm not very happy about this. I voiced my opinions, to no avail. Got shut down before the words even got out of my mouth.

Not to mention the bigger picture implications about my position, it's safe to assume at this point that it may eventually be squeezed out. I doubt I'd get laid off, they'd just roll me over into a .Net developer...which would rock, no doubt...but I am fast learning that this company doesn't communicate so well with it's employee's until the very last minute.

Over the weekend, my home desktop took a digger. It's a goner pretty much, not sure if it's even recoverable. I'm still not ready to talk about this. All I can do now is hope we can at least get some of the files backed up, I don't know...hard to say.

What this does mean, is that my internet resources are pretty much down to the bare basics, please do not be offended if you do not hear much from me until I get the home thing figured out....which I am not sure how we will get another box set up at home any time soon, we'll see.

I intend to practice much ritual until I am, again, in the favors of the Technology Goddesses.

A Small, But Crucial Stepping Stone

3 years and countless efforts by conservatives to deny women their reproductive rights, finally "The Morning After Pill" has been approved by the FDA and is now legally and OTC option to prevent pregnancy.

The Morning After Pill

I know that I, like many women's activist organizations out there, am NOT pleased that this option has been limited to only women over the age of 18.

Women under 18 get raped too.

America also has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the "Western World." HELLO PEOPLE....why are some so eager to deny teenagers the right to avoid a life that statically can be a lonely uphill struggle for the parents and the child? Max and I are potentially a success story in this scenario, so many are not. Teen pregnancy has long been this countries dirty little secret and there is very little support for teen parents that has the potential to empower them, so much of the resources out there often condemn these children who are having children to a life time of dependency on the government, their families, drugs, alcohol....what have you, the current cycle does NOT work, so why not empower these kids NOW, while they have a choice...before they become parents?

Not to mention the blatant misconception by some that if you instruct a teen to be abstinent, they will do it. HELLO AGAIN PEOPLE....being sexual is a very normal part of human development and it starts earlier than our culture seems to want to acknowledge. Teaching them to respect themselves and their potential partners and to be safe and protect themselves seems a more tangible approach.

The idea of controlling pregnancy has been around long before the birth control pill, condoms, IUD or any of the other commonly used birth control measures of today even existed. I just think how women avoided pregnancy was a bit more secret, a secret that I think women kept to themselves. We now live in a time where we know people are having sex and sex not only has the potential to create life, but it can now kill you. We have NO choice but to protect ourselves and our bodies!

In spite of my frustrations over the age requirements to access this birth control option, I am extremely hopeful for the women who can. It feels like another small victory towards women ultimately having the right to choose for ourselves and protect our bodies.

I think the next challenge in this issue will be how available access truly is to "Plan B." I predict a slew of pharmacies and health care providers refusing to carry or sell the product. Protests for those who do. I also don't think that now that this option is legal, that their will not be forces actively working to demonize it.

Until then, for those of you who lobbied for FDA approval on this issue...congratulations - this work will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

To All My Butt Cheeks!

Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap separates them once in a while, but in the end, they always come
back together!

Send this to all the butt cheeks you know!

Finding The Time

The ever demanding events of school and soccer have returned, finding time to write in my blogg could prove difficult. I've not had a chance to even account for our vacation or the current going on's at home.

The short answer: Vacation was extremely restful and this rest was sorely needed. I did not a damn thing. Slept, ate, drank some wine and took Max to 6 Flags. Good times. Though it took me almost a week to clean up after that week, when Mom doesn't do dishes or clean for a week...it's um....noticeable.

Max starts school tomorrow and turns 14 on September 10, 2006. I certainly consider him a full blown teenager at this point, his moods can be trying and the occasional bouts of sweetness that accidentally pour forth endearing. He still loves his Momma and knows he has a good life, even if he's oh so totally tortured at the moment.

C also starts school in October. I am so completely ecstatic for him. The opportunities for growth from this experience are endless. My only complaint is that I fear he's going to burn out a little. We won't be seeing much of each for several months at a time, from about October through late December and then it will all start again in January 2007 until March or April I think. We will have to master the art of stealing quite moments with one another when we can. This complaint aside, I support him 100% and know that when life brings opportunities, you must jump on them. I am so proud of him for jumping. He is a good man and I love him.

My work, oh man. Where would I start? It's hard to know, but what I DO know is that the demanding schedule of these past 6 months will continue until at least the end of the year. In a recent conference call, my main client has ominously promised "to keep me as busy as ever" until mid December. My project may also switch supervisors/project managers mid process...I'm not even sure how to consider THAT little detail into the next several months. I also like how no one mentioned this to me, I found out through the job announcement that the new Project Manager would be managing me and my projects. PDC is notorious for it's poor direct communication, unless of course you are on the "A List" of employees...ie...Senior Developers, Lead SQL Developers....I am but a lowly developer. Ah well, as long as the new PM doesn't come in trying to micro-manage me to death, I think all will be fine.

I suspect the fall brings for me a tricky balancing act. I will be sporting my invisible Super Mango cape, brewing up some sort of energy concoction to keep me refreshed and ready for anything - AND definitely have to be on top of my game. No slippage allowed. After all, it takes quite a woman to maintain a health work/life balance, provide excellent services to my clients, manage a household (whether others see it that way or not), a 14 year old in junior high, a 30 something in college who works full time and maintain some level of sanity.

Oh, did I mention I might take on a contract client too? Gotta generate funds for Crys & Dane's wedding dontchya know!

Yep, I'm the shiznit!

Go Mango, yer so good...Go Mango!

PS: So, if you see me...looking tired, a little anxious and babbling to myself, don't worry...it's just a side effect of Fall Madness.

PPS: Sam got a new apartment and is moving in this weekend, YAY Sam! Can't wait to see the new pad yo!

Hi Kids

~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~

~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~

~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~

I am so crazy at work after get back from vacation and probably will be for a while....just a quick hello, a wave and a kiss to let you all know that I am still functional and out and about.....

A special shout out to my Aunty MB who is currently traveling India and I know must be really engaged in the experience, I am thinking of you every day Aunty...arms wide open, trying to absorb some of that amazing experience from afar...I can't wait to hear every single detail. Imagine, Buddha's every where. And the sacred people of that land, wow...when I think of it I am overcome. I love you and please be safe.

Will write more soon.... buncha huggaz until next time ;-P

To Say That I Am Ready...Is An Understatement!

I am officially on vacation in 1.27 work days. I'm ready.

Hello....over here....I'm ready!

It's been years since I had a whole week off, years. I can't wait. To hang out with my men, sleep in, eat to much and play XBox Monopoly. We have some plans, but couldn't really afford the things we wanted to do...but my work doesn't know that...shhhhh....I am officially "unavailable"

hee hee

No pager. Which always has a dead battery in it anyways.

No email. I will resist the temptation to check it from home, which might not be too hard since our cable internet is down at home (blink)

No phone. Blessed silence. I will steal this opportunity with great pleasure.

No clients. I love my clients, but I need a break. They are making me crazy at the moment.

So, if I appear to have dissappeared of the face of the Earth...don't worry, I'm just being reclusive in my humble abode, happily honoring my life (and sanity) with gratitude. And wine. Cheers!

Holy Head Cold Batman

I am staring down this monitor with a very fuzzy head, enormous pressure on my sinuses and strange achiness all over my body. All forms of mental clarity have escaped me and I have only one, repetitive and inviting thought.....sleep. sleep. sleep.

Life is really great and I'm working diligently to keep that in mind as I try to get through this day without dozing off.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nose is starting to drip.

Scratchy throat is turning to achy throat.

In general, I feel like ca-ca. poo poo. ick. yuck.

I fear, it might be a head cold.

The sort that will feel like my head is in a vice, that burns my sinuses and dries my throat. I will wander abut the days in a congested haze, attempting at all costs to avoid the dreaded pseudoephedrine laden decongestants only to submit just so I can breathe and open my eyes all the way. And then I'll be even MORE whacked out because whatever it is that is in those heavy duty decongestant makes me feel like a child of the 60's having a flashback. Which if I HAD been a child of the 60's, I would be grateful for the experience, but since I am NOT, it's just uncomfortable.

I will make Chance insane through the night as I toss and turn, blow my nose and try really hard just to rest long enough to feel like I actually got some sleep instead of cursing the damn head cold for betraying me of my much beloved sleep.

Sidenote: It has been brought to my attention that I have not shared with many people the years in which I suffered fairly severe insomnia. Due to stress and an over active mind most likely. I suppose I never spoke of it much with others because it was something I'd suffered with for years and was mostly a normal part of my life. It got interesting during the more stressful periods of my life (the loss of loved ones, being unemployed, Max being sick, surgery) I envied those that could fall asleep in an instant, almost on command, in any location. Chance can do this. It still irritates me. However, I also haven't slept as good as I have in the past year that Chance and I have been living together - so I can forgive him for having the one super-power I wish I had. But my bottom line is that I sleep good now and for those of you who've ever experienced long periods with very little sleep, it is a blessing that I cannot describe in words.

~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~
~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~

yuck.

Okay then, well....now that I've thoroughly complained and whined and whimpered about something so simple as a common head cold, I'm going to go home and snuggle up in my bed and do a little napping, a little reading and make Chance take care of me when he gets home. That's what this is really all about you know...just making sure that Chance knows JUST how sick I really am so he can come home and take good care of his Mango. wink. wink.

Oh Glorious Day!

Today is a good day (Fav Ice Cube song EVER) even though the ever present drama-demon threatens, I am able to cast it aside without even flinching, nary a thought. Away ye demon, off with you now...buh bye!

I look at this life that I have, this amazing child, I mean he's just incredible. This man whom can see so deeply within me and still loves me so strongly somehow in spite of my oddities and pain. This home I never thought would really happen in a million years. A job where I feel I might settle for a few years and that would be ok, not just ok...it would be pretty good.

For as long as it all lasts, I vow to consciously live within gratitude.

What a strange life this is, how the transition from one level to another can occur within a millisecond. So many of those shifts are unforeseen, but some...like this moment which I find myself more and more each day, these are the shifts that I tentatively may look around and say "I did this. I made this happen." Not because I have some special key or because I have been favored by the Gods, but partly because I've worked so hard. So hard. Struggled. Cried so many big drippy tears that my face seemed permanently streaked for several years. Spent infinite hours considering myself, my family, this universe, love...life, breathing, breathe. Found great strength within myself when there wasn't a single soul in the world who wanted anything to do with the life I was trying to create at that time. Looking externally for so much and realizing that it was all within me, even if it meant I had to suck it up, wipe away the tears and tough it out through the times that WERE really hard; by M.Y.S.E.L.F! I really DID work hard. I gave it 100% and broke my neck and then bruised the hell out of every molecule of my body doing it.

I did it. I achieved. I climbed one more step.

This is not to say that I did not experience enormous influence and guidance or acquire a great many lesson from numerous sources along the way. Max as an influence is quite obvious I am sure, but his very existence breathes life into me and the World. Mary & Howard have been unwavering in their support. The love of Kristen and her family has been crucial, Carin taught me so much I did not know. Could not know. My Aunty MB and my beloved GramE & Grandpa John...their unique lives have encouraged me to be strong and unconditional and open with my love. The talks over the table on Teller, where Crys and I learned we were uniquely different but share the same thought process. And even the friendships that were never destined to be long term in nature or ended poorly, were powerful learning tools about letting go, saying goodbye and forgiveness. And now, Chance. And his Mom. They have brought so much to our lives. So so much.

So, no, I didn't do it alone. But I have worked hard. Damn hard. So damn hard. I am proud of that.

It is only now that I can look at the life around me and have some tangible result of my efforts. As the insanity of previous years winds down, I am anxious about what the future may bring, what experiences life may bestow unto me each day. I sense renewal, a new experience blossoms.

Though I have great pain and fear for our collective World at the moment, I have to trust that Love and Humanity will ultimately reign. We all have to, I believe it is all we have and the more we unite in a positive direction, the more the World may begin to heal and know it as Truth. It's hard not to feel overcome by all the strangeness of this moment in time, but even for all the wars and fighting and rage and intolerance that sometimes fills my view every where I turn, I trust the Love will overcome. Because I can see IT more clearly in my view than the darkness that attempts to pick at IT.

This all may seem very random, but in short, I am just happy. Happy to be alive and live this life. I have fears, they exist...that this all might crumble at any moment, but I can no longer take any stock in that sort of thinking as it's not served me well in the past. I'm just ready. Ready to move on. To grow, to heal, to live, to love.

And perhaps, the reason for all of this? I rolled over this morning to find this on my night stand:

Max had left it for me, it made my whole day. Maybe those Hippies had something after all?

Ya think?

Learning To Fly

I'm in training this week for SQL development, so far a good class. On lunch break now.

Weekend was good, worked on Saturday, had a great talk with my cousin and spent Saturday evening with numerous groups of friends. I've really missed B & his gals, it was nice to have a few moments of one on one with each of them, however fleeting it may be. Matt's lady friend is pretty great and I enjoyed getting to know more about her, I like the way he smiles at her. Great weekend over all:)

Congrats to Miss Crystal on the engagement, wow...freaking cool girl! It's going to be a blast and I'm so happy that Dane was able to make the experience memorable, I told him in IM the other day that you deserve the Princess Treatment and most certainly got it. I'm proud of Dane and incredibley happy for you! YAY:)

Life is good and we are managing to keep it quieter these days, mostly. This coming weekend should be very quiet, it's a weekend for just the 3 of us and I'm looking forward to it very much. This week is going to be sort of odd, so I won't be online much...but off for now.

Much love and toodles.
Peace
Mango Love Nugget

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

We'll miss you Roger (Syd) Barrett (Co-Founder Pink Floyd)

Reports do not indicate when and/or the exact cause of death, but I am saddened by the news as it is painful for a Rock Legend to fall. I believe his influence in music is wide-reaching and I am certain his former band-mates are mourning this loss tremendously. However, it is also widely known that Syd was a pretty tortured and pained individual, perhaps now he can rest and be at ease.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond!
"Come on you raver, you seer of visions, "
"come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

Put On A Happy Face

How does that song go?

"Gray skies are gonna clear up,"
"Put on a happy face;"
"Brush off the clouds and cheer up,"
"Put on a happy face."
Bye Bye Birdie

I've never heard that song all the way through and am sure I've only heard it in movies and the like, but I'm taking it's advice today....

It's been raining in Colorado for several days, but the heat is returning and I am so grateful for the rain we had over the weekend. We needed it so badly and it was nice and cozy, a good way to spend the few short days we are given each week to spend with our families and loved ones. The weekend....it was pretty great, I could use many many more like it. It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that we didn't have something filling it up the entire time. There weren't people at our house all weekend, there weren't excessive chores to be done, nobody had to work and my Little Man came home from the Grandparents in a fairly light and happy mood, for which I am truly greatful.

We met with C's family for Sunday lunch as his Grandfather was in town, what a treat to meet him! Though I was telling Max that Gayle & Chance must get their eyes from Gayle's Mom cuz Robert's (Gayle's Dad) are a brilliant and playful blue. Robert also just turned 70 this year which is like shocking when you meet him, whatever he's done his whole life to be in such great spirits and health, he could probably sell it in a bottle. Chance and I were discussing our hopes that we might be so lucky to have look so great in 40 years! We both agreed that laying of the Mexican food and beer would be a good start ;-)

It was also very sweet of Gayle to treat us all to such a great lunch, we are so broke and a good meal out was desperately needed. We will miss her so much, I worry that C isn't really showing his true feelings about them moving to California. I am heartbroken for one and I know Max is pretty sad too, but we keep rationalizing that California isn't that far away really, if we had to drive it or something it's doable.

I am looking forward to another, somewhat quiet weekend ahead. I hate to wish my life away by speeding through the weeks and longing for the weekends, but I think I am at that point in life where I'm just a bit fried on the whole work thing. I know, I know...I'd better suck it up. I've got what...another 35+ years of working ahead of me. sigh. ok, that's depressing. I love what I do, I love where I work...I just wish I had a bit more free time to be at home with my family. Even if just for a while, Max is growing so fast and I love my home but never have enough time in it.

I am finding myself absolutely exhausted a lot of the time, it's making it hard to get up and do anything but drag my butt to work and maybe get home and do some laundry and cook dinner. It's starting to concern me a bit, when I mentioned it to my doctor his instant response was that I was likely depressed and need Xanax, here Sarah, let me write you a prescription and dope you up like the other 2/3rds of America. No thanks, I am looking into another physician. If I am depressed, I don't want to fix it with a pill...I want to figure out why and get healthy, but mostly I think I am just worn down and often feel like I have very little, if any help because I do have a great deal of responsibility and most of it is not the kind that one can get help with. Except the guys can do things like put the toaster away when they are done with it or wipe up their crumbs or (gasp) actually put their dishes in the dishwasher. But otherwise, it's mostly stuff I have to do anyway. It's just life right?

Suck it up and put on a happy face. That's my motto for the day. It sounds a little bitter doesn't it? Doh...ah well, I don't mean to be. I, like most other working Mom's I know, just want a break...maybe a long term one that doesn't involve living my life in my car and working for a company that may appreciate me to some degree, but I am easily replaceable and therefore a drone. Like on a beach somewhere, sipping fruity drinks and looking absolutely fabulous doing so (cuz I magically lost 30 lbs) with Chance and watching Max frolic in the water.

sigh.

Calgon, take me away!

Not much new....

Here's a pic of Max sneaking up on me while I am cleaning the bathroom, he scared the crap out of me actually, enough to make me laugh pretty hard and then scold him for scaring his Momma Bear......

Not the most flattering, but hey...I'm a working Mom with 2 males that keep me pretty busy and a whole lot going on my crazy head...it's hard to be Goddess Like externally at all times:)

Anyway, not much new to report...life is good, albeit I feel the world has officially gone insane and I am just along for the ride. It's hard too feel positive some days when our bullying has finally caused others to play with their own nuclear toys so openly, there are hunger strikes and I have days where I feel this general sense of dread about the going on's of the world....but a girl's gotta keep her wits about her I suppose, otherwise I'd be brooding a whole lot more than I currently am.

We are off to see "An Inconvenient Truth" this evening and I am eagerly awaiting the return of my not-so-wee Big Man...though I anticipate their will be much attitude upon his return home. Moms' and their sucky rules - jeez! I'm such a horrid woman, really...ask anyone.

Gotta run, looking forward to getting home for a bit of time before CMan gets in and we get ready for another long weekend.

Smoochies Boochies Babies!

Long Weekends.....

....Are never quite long enough are they?

Friday night we wrapped up house cleaning and rested up for Saturday evenings concert. Saturday we were up finishing up some re-organizing we'd started Friday night and ended up working a good portion of the day before we got ready for the show. The house feels more and more like home every day, it's a good place to be:)

Saturday's show was great, The String Cheese Incident is by far one of the best jam bands I've ever seen. What a great vibe, great show and great people.....see my amateur camera phone photo's below:

And of course Chance with the much earned beer in hand while tailgating in the parking lot:


I'm not really sure what to say about the rest of the weekend, we mostly just spent it hanging out with friends. I'm not sure I got the time I was hoping to have with Chance, I was pretty disappointed actually that it didn't worked out as I'd hoped. Hopefully next time we can communicate better about such things. One thing I know for sure is that just as much as communication, forgiveness is a pretty pivotal piece in loving and committing to someone.

I did, however, experience a moment I NEVER thought I'd witness in a million years....


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a bigger event in our house than one might think! While watching movies in my room yesterday afternoon, Pumpkin Cat kept nosing around but not perching in her normal spot by me on the bed because Gaia Cat was snoozing away lazily on the end of the bed and Pumpkin Cat still finds Gaia Cat rather annoying. Pumpkin mewed and purred and did everything to convince me that Gaia Cat should be kicked off the coveted bed spot and Pumpkin could then promptly take over, no fuss, no muss. I think Pumpkin needs to get over it. Gaia didn't even care about Pumpkin trying to get on the bed and was in a Cat Coma (that must be a good place to be because her eyes roll back in her head) and it's always Pumpkin cussing Gaia over some self-declared sense of seniority. So I didn't budge, but did try to coax Pumpkin up on the bed with me in the hopes that these two could finally stand one in another in such close proximity.

Much to my surprise, the coaxing was a success and after a lot of circling and Pumpkin eyeing Gaia carefully out of the corner of her eye while she kneaded my leg and the blanket into a comfortable spot for her sweet old bones, Pumpkin FINALLY laid down and joined Gaia cat in blissful Kitty Nap heaven. sigh.

The fact that I was able to get up and take a picture is even more shocking, neither of them even flinched when I moved off the bed to photograph them there. Has peace finally found our felines at last? Me thinks so:)

Max is still with the Grandparents until Saturday, I miss him terribley and he acts annoyed when I call. Sounds about right I guess for an almost 14-year old.

Ok, back to work...I'm definately not on top of my game this morning and have so much to do, I suppose I'd better get it together and get some work done.

Much love all, hope your long weekend was a good one!

Yes Indoodly Deedy......

I am sharing these quotes with you today....

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."
--Goethe
Because Max's unwavering ability to dream big that bubbles brightly from his youth and obvious kindness inspires me, he inspires me every single day we share together....

Don't fight a problem, solve it!
--Millard Fuller
Founder of Habitat for Humanity International
Because Chance firmly subscribes to this principle and feverently encourages me to do the same when I am whining.....

If things are not going well with you, begin your
effort at correcting the situation by carefully
examining the service you are rendering, and
especially the spirit in which you are rendering it.
--Roger Babson
Because my behaviors may cause others question, but my spiritual journey is very much centered on the growth of my spirit and how it is rendered to the Universe and those whom inhabit it, which includes every bruise, bump and trip up along the way....

The reason a dog has got so many friends is
because its tail waggles and not its tongue.
-Anonymous
Because gossip and spreading people's business is far more dangerous than one might think.....

Busy Bee's

Not much time to write, hopefully tomorrow or very soon I will have time to post my most recent train of thought....

much love all
~ Mango