Paging Mr. Dumbass!

Ok, I am a dumbass.

I sprained my ankle during the move. I can hardly put pressure on it and it's swelling. Again. At least it's the left one, if it was the right one that I all but completely mangled last year, I'd be screwed.

What my ankle does not know is how much work is left to be done.

I ignored it, but it didn't go away.

I tried to reason with it, it does not wish to be rational.

I begged, pleaded and even tried to bribe it to behave. No dice.

I can't wait to tell C about this, he's going to love me and I'm going to owe him big after THIS move. Jeesh.

Bad ankle.

Bubbly Little Butterflies

I just ate a ginormous vegetarian breakfast burrito with the most delicious veggie green chilie I've ever tasted. I am now ready for a nap and it's only 10:30 am Colorado time at this very moment.

We are all completely exhausted in general. The move went well though not as organized as I'd hoped. My Type A personality is sighing and fidgeting in every room with all the things that are yet to be done, but being in my new home feels like a rebirth. It's so bright and shiny and warm feeling. The very environment is affirming the decision. It is such a blessing. As we explore each room and play with the ideas of where pictures should be hung and pieces of art displayed, we are finding it feels even better and better as we spend the time doing so. It is a joyous process, however, moving any time in the foreseeable future is not on my agenda. Moving is really unpleasant, I'll pass for a while me thinks.

Maximus seems quite happy, he's been very bouncy and happy. The cats also seem enchanted, specifically with the downstairs. So many places to become invisible and peer out at us ridiculous humans. Gaia Cat has found a new home on our black office chair, which then becomes an office chair with a pair of gleaming green eyes. Chance literally sat on her yesterday because he didn't see her sitting in it. That was damn funny, they both got quite a surprise out of that one:) Pumpkin Kitty is just having a blast in general. Her arthritis seems to be getting to her with all those stairs, but I am hoping it will keep her spunky and happy for the rest of her years.

Speaking of stairs, I may not need to buy a treadmill after all. Running up and down all those stairs will probably do the trick. My ankles are letting me know that I did indeed hurt them very badly just about a year ago, I'd forgotten. Silly me. I also managed to stub my toe the day of the move, it still looks abnormal and strangely bluish. I now have Smurf Toe and Meatball Ankle.

All in all, the weekend was a success and I am just we are sleeping in our now home. No matter how disheveled it may seem, it does feel like home already. Side note: We were 30 minutes late for the closing on Thursday night, Chance and I almost strangled each other from the stress....but the closing itself went smoothly and quickly.

After the closing, we promptly drove to the house to thank it. Thank it for sharing with us. Kristen had been watching Max for me (achem, closings are really boring...just an FYI) and they all came to meet us at the house. We then went to Mary & Howard's for a wonderful wonderful meal and evening. How I adore them, they are so good to us. So kind. Mary and I have bonded tremendously this past year, I feel very close to her and her whole family. They are my family.

Friday, Justin lit a fire under my ass and informed me we were moving Friday instead of Saturday. I said ok and then stubbed my toe and felt like blaming it on Justin for making me rush around but then was happy that he got me moving cuz then we could sleep in our house on Friday. Friday was spent moving out of the yucky house and into the yummy house. Colleen had baby Evan with her all day and I was so happy to see him and have him in our new home, I adore that kid and can't wait to have him over night again. He's one of the happiest babies I've EVER seen! Rhi brought Miss Paula over for a quick visit and we chatted and went to Target, kitty litter is important when you have cats in a new house. Nice to see Paula, she is whole entire entity unto herself...like a new life form completely. A plant or lady bug, with a little stinger of course:) I also love how happy Rhi always seems when she's around Paula. A happy Rhi is good in my book. I then fell asleep after having to rush back to the Teller house to turn off a drippy washer faucet that threatened to flood the house. Dang!

I slept awful, mostly cuz we didn't have any blinds or window coverings up yet. I felt a little exposed. Chance and Max slept in late and I got up and got moving. I took a very long bath in my new tub. The caulking needs to be redone in some spots and bleached, there is a small bubble of mold growing. A few actually. Mold in Colorado is strange, I am still shocked it can grow here with the zero humidity levels most of the year. The rest of the day is was filled with people in and out all day, Mom & Jim came down to see it...Justin & Colleen came over again and Matt came to help finish what was left after a very long night for him, bless his heart. He's quite the reliable friend, I was so proud of him even though he looked pretty wrecked and very tired. He worked very hard.

Saturday night I had a fantastic chat with Aunty MB, I love her voice. It's got it's own character, like it's alive outside of her self. I miss her tremendously and in our usual fashion I babbled on and on about my life before I finally asked what was new for her. I am terrible with that, I just get excited and sort of "Blah" everything right away, ah well...that's just how I tick. Aunty sounds great, but Lil Tory sadly did not sound quite on top of his game. I got an email from her this morning that was profoundly moving, I really don't have the words as the email not only demonstrates her deep love for this sweet Lil Farm cat, but her ability to convey thought and emotion through written word. My heart hurt and rejoiced at the same time in reading of this love, it's a deeply curious thing...love, how we love each and our furry little buddies and all the that grow and give around us. Bravo to Aunty MB in capturing this love and setting it free. Thank you for sharing it with me, Tory is definitely the King of your heart and mine to in that he brought so much to your life. Bless him.

After I got off the phone with Aunty, we settled in and relaxed. Wrapped some soooprize gifts for Max, he was under the impression there was not Christmas this year. He was wrong, yay!

"Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" He found the Christmas Tree we put up and his gifts and spent an awful lot of time eyeballing them before finally coming to wake me, I was proud...he was rather patient. We got up and had a wonderful morning, it was a wonderful day in general. We didn't do much, I really couldn't cuz my ankles were swollen and my Smurf Toe was acting up...so I decided to leave the unpacking alone. We just chilled and watched movies and played games and Max played with his new toys, he's still a little guy in lots of ways even though he acts like a really big guy in most ways:) I love him, he is a dear.

Oh..and Matt did NOT ruin Christmas for the record.

Monday was not as productive as it could've been, I was actually quite irritated with everyone and really just wanted to go back to bed but there was much to be done. I did some work and then settled in for some golf. There was definitely some unneeded drama between Matt, Chance, Rhi and I. That won't be happening again. I think there were just too many cranky bodies needing some space, that said...everyone should probably apologize and move on.

Chance and I have decided to keep New Years ultra low key this year and spend it at home just he and I. We need some time together in our new house together, I am looking forward to it. We are going to make Sushi and drink Saki and hold hands and be in love. :) Yay.

Max is with his Grandparents until 01/02/2006. sigh. That is a very long time for Momma Bear to be away from her cub, but my little cub is pushing for more space and I am left with little choice. He's pushing in LOTS of directions...mostly just mine:) That's ok, we are finding our groove.

Well kids, I should be off. I have relatively little work to do, but should try to stay somewhat focused today. It's so quiet in here today, there is literally only about half the staff here...it's really nutty! Also, just an FYI to all...I don't have Comcast.Net access at home until Friday, so I am only checking email from work for now.

Love you all so so so much, peace.

Dear Friends & Family...

Dear Friends & Family...

Our lives are totally crazy right now, for reasons many of you know and some most of you don't right now...please do not take my lack of communication personal. I love you all and please send your positive vibes and prayers our way right now...we really need them.

Happy Holidays and I hope this finds you all well. More to come soon.....

I've Had It

I need to vent for a moment.

I am a little angry today and since I am supposed to be working on alleviating my anxiety more and stressing less, I will take this opportunity to blow off a little steam.

a) If you say your going to do something, do it.
If you do not, I don't not forgive this easily. To me, if you renege on a plan or task you've obligated yourself to and then blow it off, distrust begins to form in my mind. What's worse is if you obligate yourself to something and then leave me stuck with it; again and again and then act all confused when I call you out on it.

b) Double Standards
I work a full time job, I am a mother and I am a fairly sensitive person. I can not do and will not do everything. I am sorry if I have let some people in my life down. If you have suddenly realized that I am human and not some image of perfect, ever-nurturing, ever-tolerant individual and you are disappointed, tough ta ta's. Oh yes, and please don't assume that since I am a female it is my responsibility to act proper or chaste simply because it makes you more comfortable. What you see is what you get.

c) Accountability
I can not tolerate those who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own behaviors, actions, opinions, etc. Do not blame or point your finger at me if you screwed up and especially do not expect me to bail you out or attempt to manipulate me to emotionally rationalize your own behavior. I'm tired of the guilt trips, I'm tired of the mental abuse and I'm damn tired of your chilly attitude. Don't expect more from me then you are willing to put forth yourself.

d) Kindness
Never ever mistake my kindness for weakness.

e) Gentleness
Those with gentle and tolerant character catch my eye, open my heart and perk my ears to listen carefully. Negativity, sarcasm, cruelty and apathy disgust me; and though I have love in my heart for all things, it does not mean I have to subject myself to that behavior and I have the right to walk away and remove myself form it. If this offends you, that is your choice.

I feel a little better, I am definitely looking forward to a good work out this afternoon though. breath and activity do wonders.

Peace all, hope your having a great day.

It finally happened....

Much to my dismay, it has finally happened.

I have officially "blossomed" into the round, semi-gelatinous tree fruit that is my namesake.

Main Entry: man·go
Pronunciation: 'ma[ng]-(")gO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mangoes also mangos
Etymology: Portuguese manga, probably from Malayalam mAnna
1 : a tropical fruit commonly with a firm yellowish red skin, hard central stone, and juicy aromatic pulp; also : an evergreen tree (Mangifera indica) of the cashew family that bears mangoes

Thanks Chance, I hope you are happy ;-)

I just consumed a gigantic bag of Moose Munch. 8 oz. of dark chocolate, almondy crunch-n-munch goodness. Before that I ate a round chocolate ball filled with gooey gummy peanut butter.

For lunch I ate a bowl of very healthy, low sodium vegetable soup and quickly added about 3 good pinches of salt and pepper to it. Sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it? Chance would KILL me if he knew I had a secret stash of salt in my drawer at work.

For breakfast I ate a bowl of very healthy oatmeal with and then promptly drank 4 cups off coffee with cocoa in it. OMG....CHOCOLATE in my COFFEE! That's right kids, I stirred chocolate into my coffee cuz cream and sugar just wasn't cutting it this morning.

I am developing cube butt and my middle has grown exponentially in the past several months. FYI, the Moose Munch is now gurgling around in my tummy and my tummy is pretty happy about it. Thank you Moose Munch, I am so glad you are not really a Moose.

I am round. It is cold outside and I am packing on the blubber, I expect to go into hibernation at any moment. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Or...wait, what do Bears say? ROOOOARRRRRRRRR! ~ Waddles Back To Hibernation Cave ~

I like salt, caffeine, sugar, cheese, peanut butter, wine and the occasional cigarette. I like all the things that are bad for me. I like all the things that are good for me too, I like almost all food and drink and know I am blessed to NOT be a "selective" eater...cuz there are so many delicious things to consume it's almost maddening to think of. What I don't really like is that my metabolism is noticeably pokey these days and I, unfortunately, have not been blessed with the ability to eat whatever I want and look simply dashing doing so.

THEN I've got the "I'm stressed so I'll start grazing" munchies. I'm a little tense these days, admittedly. Who wouldn't be? I'm buying a house, slammed at work, have "sort-of" quite smoking, I have a 13 year old who loves to torment me and a 33 year old who apparently also takes great joy in giving me a damn hard time AND it's the freaking Holidays. Don't even talk to me about money. What I want to know is, why then can't I be one of those people who gets THINNER when stressed? You know what I mean? Well not me, no maam. I just get hungrier and do tend to work out more, but that does NOTHING when you eat a whole bag of Moose Munch and a freaking peanut butter ball for your snack at your sedentary job where you sit for 8 - 10 hours a day. Nope, that is NOT conducive to a sleek and cellulite free body, nope nope nope.

Danget, where's that Moose Munch?

So, I'm done with that whole rant. I mostly just wanted everyone to know that I am a big round jiggly and giggly fruit now. Don't be alarmed when you see me. You'll be able to spot me by the long blonde hair atop my gigantic Mango head, supported by my huge Pear shaped body.

My primary concern at this point is that I may spontaneously combust into a large pitcher of Mango Juice which will make a huge mess in my cube or car.

Whoooaaaa Nelly!

Um...it's like Windy and stuff:)

For any of you living in the Denver area you know what I am referring one of the blustery days I've ever witnessed in Colorado. It's a little unsettling, not too mention totally and completely freezing. But it is part of winter here, at least some of the time and I've always thought of the Wind as Mother Earth's way of very blatantly providing us with information of some sort or another. A warning, a sign, a sweet caress on a warm day. Wind is powerful and gentle all at the same time, no matter the intensity I always listen.

That said, I managed to avoid 2 boxes and 1 plastic garbage can (yes, GARBAGE can) on the way to work. One box almost slammed right into me from the other side of the highway on the way in, doubt it would've done damage to The Baby Jetta, but it startled me nonetheless. The garbage can was bouncing all around my exit off I25 to work and seemed to be mocking me more than anything, I'd steer away from it and it seemed to go the same way, steer the other direction. It was following me, I'm sure of it.! The highway was a challenge and I am thankful I made it without serious incident.

I am wrapping up the final pieces of documentation required in order to process my loan agreement with the lender. The inspection piece is completed and the sellers have agreed to the terms and conditions of items they must fix and/or address before we move in. The appraisal will be scheduled for next week and things are moving quickly, but smoothly. Every day we work through this process is another day in which I am reminded of how blessed and loved we are. Everyone has been so amazing, I am overwhelmed and overcome and grateful all at the same time. I think I may just need to pack the magnitude of this generosity in the depths of my heart for right now as trying to absorb it on top of going through the actual process of buying a home is probably a little much for anyone.

The weekend was a joyous one, tho exhausting to be frank. I had little baby Evan for the night on Friday and most of the day on Saturday. He's so sweet and I do enjoy him tremendously, so that was nice. I enjoy his little baby giggles and smiles and coo's and warmth, he provides an escape that is unlike any other.

We then went bowling and I mopped the floor with Chance and Max. I'm a good bowler and yes I am gloating, but it's cuz it's the ONLY thing I am at par with the guys on, otherwise, they kick my butt at EVERYTHING. Good thing I'm not pouty about it, but I will take my 15 minutes in the spotlight when needed:) After bowling we invited the gang over for dinner and some video games and what not.

I did need some girl time with Rhi and I am happy she could oblige. It's amazing how just verbalizing a thought or working through an emotion with another person can put things in perspective, I am glad she could listen as it helped me sort out some things I already knew the answers to but needed to just spit out in words. Also got to talk with Crystal which was such a treat, I miss her so and I enjoy hearing her voice. I miss our talks. Crys was at the fun store, we shared a few silly jokes and it was time for us to part temporarily. The remainder of the evening was fairly quiet and as always, I enjoyed my time with Matt and Rhi tremendously. I am also pleased to be getting to know Sam on a more personal level, I've always found him interesting and am happy to be learning more about his experiences and who he is.

Unfortunately, I did pay for staying up too late with the "kids", I am learning very quickly that my body doesn't bounce back like it used to from little sleep and it takes me days to recover when my routine is broken. Ah well, like everything else I am still finding the balance.

Sunday afternoon I spent some time with Max, talking about the new house and just snuggling him. He's pretty excited and I know he's going to love the new place, he's a great kid albeit an ornery one on occasion, but over I couldn't ask for more.

Last night C and I planned to have some quiet time to ourselves, but that did not pan out as I was soooo tired I fell asleep on his arm and that was that. mmmm, sleep good. So tonight, we will have quiet time after we clean up the house and make sure Max has everything ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow night is his first band concert, I'm excited;)

I should get to work. The townhouse is definitely consuming a lot of my resources, so I am having to make up time at work where I can. This means missed lunches and nose to the grindstone when I am not picking up a fax from my realtor or on the phone with my lender....talk about juggling, I should be good at this.

FYI: I'm telling everyone not to take it personal if I am not in touch or you've not heard from me much, especially given the time of year. It's not personal and I love you all. Oh and by the way, 2.5 weeks and counting till we move....whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!

Oatmeal With A Fork? Ok, that'll work...

Yes boys and girls, it's that time again where I am attempting to eat oatmeal with a fork at work as I have no spoon today and our company is much to cheap to supply any sort of plasticware for our breakfeast and/or lunchtime pleasure. But I don't mind, becuase so far it's going well. It's the bottom of the bowl where the fork situation gets tricky. I also don't mind that my company is cheap about such things, they take pretty good care of us over all.

Next.

After a rather annoying moody day yesterday, I am feeling tip top today and ready to get going. I am pretty excited about the inspection today, mostly becuz it gives me an opportunity to ooooh and ahhhhh and MY (yes, MY! okay...I guess it's Max and Chances too) new digs. I can't wait to grin and smile and start taking measurements for the window coverings and really hope that there's nothing terribley wrong during the inspection.

Work of course is very busy, one thing I know for sure about life is that just becuase something life altering is going on in your immediate world, the rest of the world does not cease to stop moving. Danget. And here all this time I thought it was all about me ;-P

In other news, the 15 year old Orange Noise Monster now wakes me up at 5:30 each morning with her insessant mewing and sitting on my head. I have not decided if this is a positive thing or not, I am not an early riser generally but I am trying to make my mornings more usefull...perhaps Punky is here to help with that.

And finally....as if it was a big surprise that Alito was uber conservative and definately tips the scales (as if they needed tipping) in the Supreme Court...there it is quite clear that his stance on abortion and womens productive health will continue to complicate the issue and Planned Parenthood attorneys will certainly not be unemployed anytime soon. What bugs me is how sneaky he is about it, at least stand your ground if your going to have an option!

A Mood....

In a mood today, some funk trying me on for size today I guess.

It feels like I am in that place where I have so much to communicate but no one to communicate it to. That probably sounds strange when one considers the amount of love and warmth that is in my life, but mostly I guess I just feel like the issues at hand are issues I must process internally for the time being. This is still a new aspiration of mine, processing internally I mean. I am such an obviously extroverted person and I tend to just dump my thoughts on others without thinking them through. Generally it is just understood by most in my life that this is naturally how I function...but it doesn't mean I don't wish I were a little less likely to blurt something out in an excited blast of information and rather let it ease out like a grown up and less like that pig-tailed little girl I used to be but still find myself acting like a lot of the time.

I am the bounciest Tigger that ever was, I am sure of it.

Still, it's a lonely sort of place right now. I am not quite sure how to describe it and there is a pang of guilt in my heart for feeling so lonely when I have so much positivity ciricling around me and I can clearly see it in everything.

sigh.

Someday I will better understand my little fluctuations, maybe. For now, I just ride the bumpy little waves until it passes and try not to take life too seriously.

On a side note, we are doing the house inspection tomorrow. I am looking forward to that very much, it will be when all of our "investors" will also be present and able to review the property. I feel so thankful for the generousity of others, I'm still panicking about money...but it's a manageable panic.

More later, cheers.

Where To Begin....

Ah were to begin? It was nothing less than an eventful Holiday for numerous reasons...let's recap shall we;

Wednesday Evening:
Met with the Realtor (also known as Mother Theresa incarnate) to review paper work and sign the offer contract. Signed my life away on the dotted line after feeling like I didn't understand a single word she just said but did a lot of nodding and smiling and really hoping my subconscious was absorbing all of the detail because mostly I was daydreaming about our new townhouse. My stomach has been in knots since.

Thursday:
Awoke to Realtor phoning me to let me know that the Agent did not accept our initial offer and they refuse to budge on the price, they want full listing price and will only pay a percent of our closings costs. C and I looked at each other annoyed, but agreed to the terms as it does seem fair and I'm not loosing my house over such a silly detail.

I am in a terribly foul mood for some reason Thursday morning and walk around barking orders at the boys and feeling extremely irritable. At one point I began to cry at Chance over something really silly and he hugged me and told me to calm down and everything would be fine. He was right. I think it was house-stress.

We went to C's mom's for dinner, which was lovely and I felt very warm and comfortable. Mom and I were not able to make Thanksgiving happen together this year...conflicting schedules and priorities, I'm not sure she was terribly broke up about it, I don't think either of us were. Just doesn't always work out, tho it felt strange to spend the 1st Thanksgiving without her since our California days. Bless Gayle's heart for treating us to a wonderful meal and welcoming environment.

Then my whole day was made when Gayle (C's mom) said I could call on her Vonage line for free anywhere except Alaska and Hawaii and I jumped on that opportunity immediately. I haven't heard my GramE's voice in quite some time, it meant the world to me. Aunty MB sounded pleased, as did Kenari. Grandpa's voice is always a comfort to me, our history is a unique one. As I grow older I am more able to appreciate all they did for me as a child and I miss them so very much, they very clearly define the picture of kindness and truly unconditional love. Speaking with them was really the highlight of my whole weekend!

We went home in a food coma and promptly fell asleep with big smiles and warm hearts.

Friday:
Woke up very early and not quite ready to face the day yet, met up with Realtor to sign new contract and C joined me for a long walk around Sloans Lake after Gayle reviewed the contract. She's really been so supportive, there is no way we could do this without her or Mary and Howard, financially or otherwise. What a blessing they are to us.

Friday afternoon played Tiger Woods Golf with Max and got ready to head over to Rhi's for the evening. I very desperately needed to get out of that house, I get cabin fever something fierce when I am cooped up to long with no release. I "released" Friday evening by getting pretty damn tipsy with my buds. Rhi and I had girl fun and spent hours talking and giggling and she was pretty intent on dropping her phone over the balcony, Matt made us a fire (yay Matty!) Sam provided us with much entertainment as we threw his laundry all over the house and Chance and I caught smiles from each other after a very hectic and stressful few days. Huge score occurred when I found Rhi on the phone with Crystal in Seattle and we gabbed for a good hour I think, I miss her so much. It was great to hear her voice. Much fun was had by all, my friends are the greatest I totally adore them all.

Saturday:
Woke up after virtually no sleep and head over to pick up Max from Justin & Colleens and to watch the wee little one for a few hours for Mom & Dad. Evan is so cute, we had a blast. He kept trying to eat my hand and managed to puke on Aunty Sarah for the 3 time in as many visits, he gets quite a kick out of it I think. I don't mind, I've been waiting for Baby Evan for a while now, he can hurl on me to his little hearts content. I'm sure it won't be the last time:)

Took Max home and ate pizza and popcorn all day long and watched Taken (it's a Steven Spielburg series we are watching on DVD) I fell asleep at about 8:30 I think...I was a done deal.

Sunday:
Woke up bright and early and ready to enjoy my last day of a great weekend. Picked up the house, and conned Chance into doing some window shopping for furniture/light fixtures/etc..etc...it was a blast. We discovered two things: a) C and I have almost identical taste in decor and b) Window coverings, light fixtures and much of the other small things we looked at are far more affordable then we thought. Tho I'm sure it adds up quickly, but it gives us hope that we will slowly but surely be able to mold our home into what we envision.

In the afternoon we played yet more Golf and I was the one getting conned into this shoot 'em up game that was pretty fun once I got the hang of it, C took great pleasure and taking me out and Max promptly took him out...ah the ways of males, it's an interesting dynamic. I don't try to understand it, I just giggle and watch.

I then got a surprise phone call from Kristen and we gabbed about the house and her family and life, I miss her too. She's always got my back.

C and I then retired in front of the TV for a Rob Zombie horror flick called the Devils Rejects, I am a huge horror movie fan. I like old, new, classic B, whatever...I'll watch it. I don't get scared, well sometimes...Chance likes to yell or grab me right at those pivotal moments in the movies...but usually it's just a strange fascination of mine. This movie is not his best, the first one was MUCH better. There are definitely some moments that are disturbing, but mostly it's totally anti-climatic. I do love Zombie though, he's got a style all his own and you know when you reading or listening or watching something Zombie Inspired.

Chance and I then went to sleep and getting up wasn't to bad today, but I could've easily done with some more time off. I want to work on house stuff more:)

There's so much to be done, I expect the next month of my life to be insane. We are scheduled to close December 22nd 2005, this means we will be in our new house for the Holidays. I am so so so SO blessed, it's amazing. I am finding myself completely overwhelmed at my good fortune.

Love to you all - happy happy day!

Survey Says....HOLY CRAP!

Oh the many reasons to give thanks....the past 4 days have consisted of:

a) Meet with new realtor
b) Review several really awful properties
c) Stumble onto townhome of our dream within our price range that literally appeared out of no where
d) Meet with realtor again
e) Scramble to figure out financing, money down, earnest, who's paying what (insert Real Estate jargon here)
f) 24 hours of anxious waiting for financing approval
g) Getting ready to go into contract negotiations

It's been insane, let me tell you. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened, it's a little overwhelming but mostly so completely exciting it's hard to contain myself. Here's the deal on the townhouse:

a) 1694 sq. feet (C and I are arguing over how much it really has including the lawn and patio?)
b) Brand new everything...appliances (literally, the tags are still on them) paint, carpeting, countertops
c) 2 huge master bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1 half bath
d) 3 levels - top level = bedrooms/full bath, middle level = living room kitchen, bottom level = partially finished basement/laundry/storage
e) Within Max's school district so he can finally ride the school bus to and fro
f) Residential neighborhood so we don't feel like we are living in an apartment complex
g) It's basically row housing, people on either side but the walls are cement on one side and thick on the other so we shouldn't hear much
h) Bathroom tile is very nice and updated
i) Very spacious feel/tall ceilings and open rooms
i) It's basically ready to move in

So now the real fun starts...I'm in shock but this feels right and we are running with it. Everyone is pretty damn excited and I can't believe how helpful Mary & Howard have been and Chance's Mom...there is NO way we could do this without them. It's amazing how loved we are, I can't even believe it. It's time like this when the people in your life go to bat for you that it's hard to find the words, you know?

I've been fighting off the tears for days, this place will make the world of difference for us....it's pretty amazing. I truly have everything I could want, it's totally overwhelming.

Wish us luck all:)

Peace!

FYI....

Just an FYI to notify that I have not, in fact, fallen off the face of the earth; which I am very happy to report;)

I am however, knee deep in the reality of daily life that has some how become increasingly demanding in the past 2 weeks.

It has something to do with:

- 4 Month Old Babies (yay)
- Kitty Cats (yay)
- Cranky Clients (Let's not start)
- Non-Compliant Code & Versioning Issues (I didn't do it!)
- Purchasing A Home With Virtually No Money (YEEEHAW, What A Ride!)
- 13 Year Old Boys (The only person who smiles at me every day!)
- 33 Year Old Boys (The only person who hugs me every day!)
- Grocery Shopping (Funds that could be applied elsewhere)
- House Cleaning (boooo!)
- Attempting To Avoid Hatred For Mad Cowboys! (yeah, you know the one)
- Laundry Piles That Don't Dissapate On Their Own (crappie!)
- Birthday Parties (Cheers)
- Long Term Planning (Mentally Draining)
- Holidays!!! (Already? Whaaa?)

Etc...etc...eteceteraaaaaa.

Not a complaint, only a long list of project and people that require both attention and support and there is only so much Blonde Bouncy Goodness to go around. I've thought of investing in one of those gadgets that Wily. E. Coyote from Looney Toons had...something that would allow me to do several things at once with various tools and clamps and such...but they always blew up in his face, so that can't be healthy.

Perhaps I will simply have to take a moment to breath very deeply and know that I am in demand, I am loved and the freaking laundry is always going to be there so simply willing it to dissappear is unlikely and wasting my energy. I could've already put it all away by now, with how many times I've glared at that pile. CRAP!

Peace all...I'm off to pick up my 14 year old cat with no teeth and a gigantic attitude problem. Wish me luck.

Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....

Random Thoughts For Wednesdays....

Max is bathing in cologne these day, I just so happen to know the source. Her name is Kayle and she is currently the apple of Max's big blue eyes. He is not open about it and I do not pester him, but I have "sources." It helps to have a gossipy niece in his Math class:)

It smelled like Burger King when I came in the office today. I deplore fast food. It is so completely disgusting and though admittedly it is convenient and even I stoop to that point when I am being lazy or chosing to ignore what I am consuming, I don't think I would be entirely bothered if I never had to smell that horrible greasy fried odor again. blech.

In other and more pleasant news, I have had some extremely rewarding and positive realizations about my work situation which only days ago felt damp and quite bleak. The nature of this biz is to problem solve, put out fires and play the game with client. I've also allowed my last position and the individual who supervised me to follow me into this situation, even more than I had originally thought. Couple all of this with a good healthy dose of one very onery client and you've got my current position. Which, when you consider how I am being supervised and the sort of organization this is, is far from intolerable. In fact, when I look around me...I am not the only one being whined at by their clients, I am not the only who has made a mistake and I am in a unique position here, which is clear to all and I am supported tremendously. I lost perspective along the way and became embedded in the negative, sometimes it takes a kick in the rear to realize that. This does not change my direction regarding non-profit work and what that means over all, but it I feel more hopeful about the immediate situation and am finding there is still much for me to find here.

CMan and I have been having some very intense conversation and debates as of late. From all sides of the spectrum and topics, we've certainley been airing our thoughts, drawing boundaries and testing the limits. It is enlightening for me personally and though these communications can result in intense emotions and feelings from the sweetest of kisses to the largest of tears, I sense only a stregthening in our bond, which is beautiful and unique.

Politically the world seems ablaze with scandal and uprisings and issues we must consider in our futures together. However painful and uncomfortable the change, it is nessisary in order to evolve and I believe that is what our world culture is doing at this very moment, evolving right before our eyes.

Off to work, tally ho yo...hope this finds all well and loved.

Some Thing To Hope For

I had a powerful rant built up in my head this morning; boy was someone going to get it. Dirty clothes, the habits of others and feeling unappreciated in the endless amount of work that never just does itself. Not really wanting to go to work at all, trying to find any viable reason to stay home and do something productive around my house because my work is lacking in that very thing at this moment, positive productivity.

But I managed to avoid blowing up at the Sleeping One in our bed and get Max to school without being directly cranky. Dropped Little Man off, turned on Amy Goodman (Democracy Now!) and began listening to the recordings of various speakers honoring Ms. Rosa Parks during her services on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005.

The sounds of these voices and what they had to say was immediately moving and full of strength, far more powerful that any selfish and pouty little rant I could've put out to the universe about how unappreciated I am and how hard MY life is. I was instantly humbled. We all should be.

I've always subscribed to the idea that no one person's life experiences are any less or more substantial or meaningful than their neighbor's. This goes for leaders, public figures, artists, etc. We are all great in some way, we all have purpose and we all fulfill a life path designed for us and our interconnectivity with one another, spiritually or otherwise.

However, when I consider a woman like Rosa Parks or a leader like Mahatma Gandhi, I question this ideal I've held stead-fastly to all these years is tested. Only because how can one not admire and applaud the actions of individuals such as these? Possibly see them as a greater being then ones own self?

We know Rosa Parks wasn't the only individual to stand up and strike thought in the minds of others about civil injustice, but she was the first BLACK WOMAN to go public with it, in 1955. In the South.

We know Gandhi wasn't the first teaching a non-violent philosophy and unity in ourselves and within one another, this is traditional Buddhist practice.

When you process the very physiology behind what these people inhabit within their existence, you find flesh. Just as you and I are. Fallible and imperfect.

But when you process the action, I think that is where the answer lies. These invidious were not dynamic because they are or were any more or less "important" than you are, they did not have the answers to all the questions or a knowledge that we don't all inherently contain.

They were great because they were passionate. Because they inspired others. Because they gave a damn. Because they represented an ideal, a gift, something to strive for. Something to hope for.

Because they embraced and followed their path, openly, patiently and fearlessly. They were great because they did some thing to create change and forward thought.

They remind me that I am hardly suffering. That my energies may be best directed in healthier directions, directions that matter to the greater good, the greater love. They remind me that taking great risk is part of what creates the change. They remind me to be strong and say NO when it isn't right. Live with enthusiasm, to walk each day with integrity and give of myself openly. Mostly, they remind me to love generously and kindly.

I will always believe that not one of us is any less or more significant than the other, all life should be respected. I can though, certainly take into account the knowledge that it's what you do with it that resonates, not only for others but for your own spirit.

The next question is, what am I doing with "it" ?

"Issues"

It's been a stressful few weeks, probably the most stressful of this past year. Primarily due to the issues I am having at work and how unstable work situations sort of pre-empt life decisions. And as C keeps pointing out to me, when I am unhappy at work I bring it home and it does inadvertently effect everyone. I'm not very good at covering up things that might be bothering.

In reflection, the issues with the one "problem" client have been building for a little over 2 months, but have hit it's peak within this past week or so.

It's a long, detailed story full of jargon and information that won't make sense unless you work here. But the long and short of it is that my relationship with this particular client has grown increasingly tense, errors have been made on both sides and since this application is 5 plus years old and has not received anything but band-aids in that time period, we are not only facing communications conflicts but fighting the very technology needed to keep this project running. I think there are 3 fundamental reasons why the relationship has grown increasingly sour:

1) They've never been happy with my transition into the project from the get go. I've constantly been compared to the very talented young lady who had this position before me (who also worked on it 4 full years and knew every detail in and out.) I am not bitter about it, but I think they are. As soon as she was no longer my immediate mentor, the direct comparisons began and I was faced with "R never did it like that." or "R always knew what I meant when I said xyz, why do you need an explanation?" This is normal, but normally it ceases at some point. It still has not, 7 months later.

2) The companies perspective on how to manage this project changed right as I came aboard and I was instructed to manage it more like other projects developed here. The client doesn't like it that way, it takes more time and effort in thinking requests through. I have to go through the proper procedures to have changes made to the interface and data structure, I make the changes or new development and the Admin's post them. It's a process, one they are so complete foreign to that my enforcing this process gives the appearance of incompetence and being purposefully contrary, when before a request was made..it just got done, it didn't have to be approved or submitted to Issue Manager or in the hands of the proper channels to be uploaded by the appropriate Admin staff.

3) Errors have been made, on both sides. I openly admit to mine, which have been minimal with the exception of 1 which was easily addressed and I held myself completely accountable for. They blatantly ask me to cover up theirs to THEIR client (it's confusing) and to my supervisors. I do not. I do not agree with their work ethic. If their appears to be a problem of any kind, I am instantly on trial and am forced to account for every step, every detail and method behind the process. I've spent more time explaining the detail than doing the work.

I am fed up with the client. Thing is, my supervisor is the best I've had in years. It's a great company to work for and I have no problems with any other clients. Unfortunately, this particular client is the main reason I was hired as they basically required a full time baby-sitter, even if they don't want to pay for it and cry when charged for work performed. Equally unfortunate is the fact that in the past 3 days a major boo boo has been uncovered and no one really has an answer as to the cause, including me. I have researched it past the point of reason, I cannot find a concrete reason for this error, which is not good as it's going to cost someone some money. I don't *think* this is my fault but it's sort of one of those things that points to me no matter how you look at it and it's one of those boo boos that someone will have to be held accountable for. Probably me. Which I could hang with if I knew for certain I SHOULD be, but we just can't figure it out.

So that said, I have been thinking a lot and will probably start looking for another job even if I don't get canned. I love working here, that's the hard part. My boss rocks. But I don't want to face this client every day any more, I've sort of had it and don't really know if the relationship is salvageable at this point, at least not to the point of it being pleasant and I've already been down the path of working with Toxic Negativity, I want no part of it.

However, I will wait and see how things turn out over the coming days, I should have more info soon. I've submitted my research findings and now it is up to management to make decisions with what they have, which isn't much. The client is using very threatening language, but I'm not so sure we care all that much. Apparently this client has been problematic before and we've thought of dropping THEM in the past, so we'll see.

In other news, my former Boss Momma and forever Mentor Gail T. Wilson has won her race in the LEWIS-PALMER SD 38 DIRECTOR DIST 3 ! Go Gail! This means she'll be working directly in the School District in her county, spreading the word and kicking ass all along the way. I hold mad respect for this woman, she is on my list of Top 5 list of direct female influences in my life (along with my Grandmothers, a certain Aunty and Carin) and I can't think of anyone better to be in office. I am so glad retirement is providing her the opportunity to move forward and she will wow them, wouldn't surprise me if this isn't the first position she's elected into!

As some of you may know, yesterday was a big day for us locally regarding elections, some pretty important stuff finally happened here like:

Denver Initiative 100 - Legalization Of Marijuana ( up to 1 oz.)
It's about freaking time people. I don't smoke the wacky tobaccky myself but the idea that someone would go to jail for indulging is absurd. Hemp has many valuable resources in of itself, clothing, paper, medicinal qualities etc., I could go on for pages on this one, but my happiness over this has more to do with the idea that it is a start to a bigger process in motion and that is the opening of minds about the possibilities and potentials of many things that have been vilified by our culture in the past. Took long enough cripes.

Ref C past, D did not (just barely) Ref C will provide $3.7 million in tax refunds to help ease recession on civilians, state and local spending using tax dollars.

Ref D was to allow the state to borrow a few million from the federal government for state funded road work, schools and local firefighters and police pensions. We needed that one, danget. That's why there were a Team, ah well...something is better than nothing I suppose.

The main bummer is that WalMart managed to win out in Westiminster. A local group didn't want WallyWorld in it's neighborhood, especially not one of those new huge clinical feeling ones. Feels like being in a warehouse for housing consumers, it's gross. Walmart contributed $150K to the motion, the grassroots campaign had $25k, you do the math. Jerks.

Over all though, very good things are happening here politically and I'm excited about that for sure.

The Day After....

I choose to confront the client at work with an email who I've been having difficulties with lately, I tried to call her but she never returns my calls so I dropped her an email. I'd rather have a verbal communication at least, but since she's in PA and I'm in CO, a face to face discussion won't be happening any time soon. I doubt she'll respond, but I am more clear headed because no matter what, I can then always know that I did the right thing in my heart. I think I have this thing about really being open to progress and forgiveness in my relationships with all people and often will tickle the issue or serve as the very medium to reinforce that progress or forgiveness or whatever it may be in order to move forward. But I must always know that I, myself, acted in the most ethical and responsible way with those relationships, even if the other parties involved makes different choices. So we'll see what her reaction is, if nothing else I hope that my attempts to break the proverbial ice will somehow reach her, even if she chooses to be unresponsive.

C and I had a very long talk last night, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. He knows how to soothe me better than anyone, literally. Primarily I believe because we are kindred spirits with like thought processes, plus he is such a gentle and patient soul. He keeps me in balance and checks his pride at the door when I'm in a panic. Which I was yesterday, I felt lower than I've felt in some time, no fun. I love you C :)

Max is a gruesome little..achem...BIG ghoul/zombie thingy for Halloween. He's having a good time with it and I think he sort of feels like he's getting away with something by being such a dark and demented character, I'll let him keep thinking that and maybe even let him "scare" me a few times, that'd probably do the trick:) C helped him do it up real nice, which I was grateful for b/c in all honesty, that costume is pretty gross. Mostly it just smells really weird, C said cuz "It's from China" the whole importing thing, but it really has a foul smell, even Max noticed. It's definitely the plastic/rubber material that makes up all of Max's "wounds" and other yucky details..but still....Smellllly Costume!

Miss Sassy Sandy is in the hospital I'm sad to report, it's a very long story and not one I'm sure she wants me spreading public ally, but it's I know it's all very traumatic for her and after such a big summer, it must feel very overwhelming. My kick ass boss lady said I could leave early to go visit her today, so I'll be getting off early to go spend some time with Miss Sassy whom is loved wholeheartedly but such a huge number of people, I hope she knows she's not alone in any of this.

Max's cousin will be with us for the weekend, so I'll be surrounded by boys from all directions. Lucky me. :) The plan is to hit some haunted houses and other funny teen-ager type stuff, it's mostly just my job to take them there and pay for it and then get out of the way, but if Max wants me involved, I'll go. Gotta grab any opportunities I have to hang out with him. He's irritated that I am wearing his shirts, he seems to think it's completely inappropriate for me to wear his clothes, I like some of them and just laugh at him...he's lucky he doesn't have a sister!!!

They aren't indicting Rove today, darnit. He most certainly will skate out of this cleaner than a "civilian" in his situation, but the message has been sent and is very clear. Sh*t is hitting the fan finally and those responsible will be held accountable, it's about freaking time. I'll be very curious about these proceedings.

Back to work for me, busy Friday and a busy weekend....but today it feels brighter and healthier and more like home than yesterday.

In The Place Again....

I'm in the place again, it's that sort of sad and restless piece of me that pops up every now and again. It's actually quite painful and I prefer to avoid it, though I know it's part of the way I function when I am feeling a touch stressed, even if it's "ok" stress.

Maybe it's because the tree's are dying, shedding their baggage and engaging in the natural life cycle. It's very beautiful in a way, but seeing them all barren and dark every day casts this gloom in my heart for them. Changing of the seasons always does have that effect on me, I don't think it's the change, I think it's witnessing the struggle and rebirth of The Earth in the process that hurts.

Maybe it's because my relationship with Max is so erratic that I sometimes wonder if we are going to make it through the next several years with some level of sanity in tact AND still liking one another. I feel like the interactions are more negative than not.

Maybe it's because I feel both of the males in my life whom I completely adore have been somewhat distant and generally lacking affection or genuine communications for longer than seems comfortable or acceptable to me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do without being chastised for it. I don't always know.

Maybe it's because my job feels overwhelming. I've been working longer hours than usual and I'm sort of at a loss on how to work with this one particular client who seems so negative and unproductive. This client is basically the reason I am here and I have to find a way to make it work if I wish to stay at this job and still enjoy the experience. The company/supervisors are fantastic, this one client is far from it. Not to mention that I sometimes feel as if I don't always know exactly what I am doing. I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and if I need to do anything about it, or just sit on it and see what happens.

Maybe it's because I am struggling some demons that are more enjoyable to indulge in than fight against. Namely food and wine. My weight is making me nervous, I don't feel right in this body and this body isn't so happy with me these days either from the looks of it. I wasn't that long ago that I was thinner and felt good in my external existence, now it feels foreign and awkward. I also know how much work and diligence it takes to get back to my comfort zone, which I am doing something about and that feels great. But I like food too much to ignore that it's more than a problem. The wine issue doesn't make me as nervous over the long term, but it's certainly something to be addressed. I am prone to addiction, it's not fair, but it's the fact. I don't drink every day, but the pattern of drinking too much when I do drink is what concerns me. So I'm fighting the crutches that have been built up over decades.

The house thing is exciting, but I don't find myself with much energy or time to do much about it.

In general, I can't find any real reason to feel overly bothered about any of these things...it's just the way it is right now and all I can do is plug through it. But the sadness is real and I do hope it passes soon, I am not fond of feeling uncentered and without focus, I need to find it again without beating myself up in the process. I also know me and this does pass, usually fairly quickly and I have to embrace it or it's pretty awful.

Seems its time to "Let The Bad Air Out."

One Heart

I am only one person.

If this is not a tangible concept for you, gently put your hand over my heart;
Feel that it is life, admire it's rhythm.

Appreciate the brilliant design in human architecture that brings my physical form to existence;
To grow and to be in this life time.

A blessed opportunity in which I encounter many experiences, unusual, exceptional and true;
One of which is to love and give to you.

As it may be, it is only one heart that pumps blood through only one set of lungs and limbs;
Big big spirit, big big love, one semi-gelatinous body.

Open as it may be, it is only one heart of tens of billions of pulsing others;
It only has so many resources, so many beats available at any one time.

It is pulled in the direction of all things and ever carries the weight of worry;
Tears flow for me easily, I ache with the pain of others.

Full and engorged, pushing substances through the seat of my emotion;
It is the safest place within me, I trust it to guide and direct the motion.

Elegant and unmatched, filled with unquestionable veracity and the occasional hint of blue;
Complicated and maybe a little crazy, it is what I have to offer to you.

Mine is yours and you know this, but carefully consider that I am only one person and that is all that I can be;
I now turn to you first, when my strength falters and am facing fears, I need you to be the one to go to bat for me.

Put A Lid On It.....

I drive approximately 30 miles round trip each day, not a terrible commute by any means. However, I do happen to travel one of the worst highways in my state, the dreaded I25 Corridor. Luckily, I drive North on 25 which is a much better experience then South to the Tech Center, which coincidentally, I did for several years when I worked at CORRA. So all things considered, I certainly cannot complain as when it comes to commuting, I've got it pretty easy compared to a lot of my fellow Denver Metro Area inhabitants who drive from Boulder to the Tech Center or from Confier to Denver, etc...etc....none of which I'd willingly sign up for.

Unfortunately though, I do have a gripe and that is the seemingly exceedingly recklessness and impatience that seems to accompany my drive each day. Primarily from other sources, though I find myself wanting to flip the bird on occasion and there is most definitely a barrage of choice words that flow out of my mouth when my blood starts to boil. I'm just sort of in shock with how completely careless and unruly the individuals I have to share the road with seem to be, and it just sort of gets worse and worse.

If I don't move quickly enough off the starting line when the light turns green, there is impatient and overly-eager honking. Ruthlessly cutting off of other drivers by some blockhead who is certain his schedule is more important than yours. Tail-gating in snowy weather by the ever infamous SUV who's driver seems convinced that 4-wheel drive can and will allow a vehicle to drive at a high velocity of speed in terrible conditions without any risk; inevitably ending up in the ditch. The irritable soccer Mom with 3 screaming children and a head-ache doing 45 on the highway, on drive pavement who flips YOU the bird when you pass her. The person who has to STOP completely to turn into a shopping mall entry or on a side street.

It's pretty astonishing and on most days, I manage to not feel panicky or even react to this sort of thing. It's like taxes and dishes, it's a pain in my ass but a part of life that must be dealt with. But this whole honking at the stop light thing has to stop, it's really....really...REALLLY freaking obnoxious, really people. REALLY! I am not talking like honking cuz I'm not paying attention, I'm talking honking because I am not the first off the line and some woman behind me is in such a freaking hurry that those 2 extra seconds are going to make the world of difference in her day.

We are all busy people, but starting a road rage incident or worse; dying because you are trying to make it to your 7:30 AM Tuesday Staff Meeting or your kid's soccer game or to the airport or whatever hardly seems worth the anxiety and stress. Slow it down kids. We'll all get there when we get there and your impatience and dangerous behavior isn't going to speed it up any. Really, I'd just like to GET where I'm going and not be harassed or endangered along the way.

And please, for Pete's Sake, the next time you feel like honking at someone at a stop light, put a lid on it. The life you save may be your own. gr.

Meanwhile, at the Alley Cat.....

Life is good, the weekend was most certainly a reflection of that for many of us I think. Chance and I got quite a lot done around the house, all which were things that sorely needed paying attention to and at some point you just have to buckle down and get to work. "Working" on the weekends isn't exactly my idea of rest and relaxation, but it does provide a sense of accomplishment and progress, so I'll take it.

Friday night I was so tired I could hardly stay awake, we had planned to run errands and prepare for the weekends events but I was all but completely useless. So, Mom and I did some catching up while C ran errands and I also made some money in Tiger Woods Golf, that game and I are definitely having a torrid affair. I passed out on the couch and woke up whining at C, he put me to bed and I slept better than I had in days.

Saturday morning was bright and early to face the tasks ahead. I spent the entire morning cleaning out, organizing and getting Max's room in order. For those of you that don't have children, this is something you must do occasionally depending on your level of tolerance for total chaos. Also, as the age increases the less window of opportunity you have for mucking through the items that can find their way into boxes for good will or, in the garbage because I'm learning that pre-teens and teenagers keep EVERYTHING, scraps of paper and Max's favorite...rocks. His room is home to a plethora of rocks and minerals and all the accompanying dirty goodness that goes along with them. I let go of the dirt factor on this one a long time ago, otherwise I'd be crazy. 4 hours, 2 garbage bags and 2 boxes later the room cleaning expedition was a success.

C was out running errands all morning and eating breakfast without me while I was starving to death (thanks C! ergh!) and found a way cool little corner desk for our room. He began putting that together and I went shopping, which I've forgotten how much a new t-shirt or lip gloss can really make my day on occasion, I'll have to indulge a bit more often in that I think. Spoke with Lil' Rhi Saturday while I was out and about, did some catching up and agreed to touch base later about possibly getting together after our existing plans for the evening. Which I'll get to in one moment....after the shopping, came home to find my Man sitting in a huge pile of screws and bolts and desk stuff....he had a good start on it but had a ways to go, just looking at it over whelmed me, glad it wasn't my job! I pulled him away from that and we showered and prepared for the evenings festivities.

Saturday evening was all about Ms. Sassy Sand Nagler. Brief recap, this woman spent the entire summer attending, planning and/or being heavily involved in some manner or another in a total of 6 or 8 weddings, I don't recall the exact number. Every time I saw her the list of things she'd been up to since the last time I saw her seemed to have tripled in size and I am not sure how she maintained sanity, but kindness and generosity just are in her nature and giving of herself is something she does with a grace and ease you don't come across too often. I any event, clearly she is a self-less and exceptionally giving individual and a surprise party was organized in her honor. As anticipated, the event was a blast. Exceptional evening spent with exceptional individuals, all of which I find fascinating and all of which I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Sandy's face was so completely adorable when she "got" it that we were all there for her and I know the evening was moving for her, which was the point. Several toasts, some tears and many more laughs later Miss Sandy was on her way home to sleep well and know that she is loved and appreciated by many.

Unfortunately, CMan maybe had too good of a time and had to lay down, which means he was a done deal. We had made plans to meet up with Matt later and somehow it all just sort of worked out that Matt would come pick me up, C would sleep it off at Bryan & Kim's and we would go meet up with Rhi & Sam, which is always a blast. So so happy to see sweet Lil' Rhi, I do enjoy hanging with her very much. So we acted silly and had good times, went over to Karl & Bridgett'es who just got engaged and they are too adorable and clearly very much in love, I hope to spend time with them again. I also particularly enjoy Sam, particularly enjoying HARASSING him:) Wonderful evening!

Sunday, Max came home from the Grandparents and we did a lot of snuggling and horse playing, CMan finished up the desk project (which looks so great, I'm so proud *grin*) and I managed to get in a little phone time with Crystal. I miss her, she's growing very quickly and she seems different to me already. In a very positive way. It's pretty obvious that this move to Seattle is an excellent experience in numerous ways. I'm happy her and D are running around being a couple alone in their house, I think it's pretty important stuff. I sense a calmness about them both these days and that's good for all of us! Plus, it sounds like they both are truly comfortable with Rhi's decisions and that all is well, this also shows tremendous maturity and love for all involved, good job guys:)

We had turkey for dinner on Sunday. All of it was good except the turkey, I really need to learn that I don't eat it for a reason...blech, it was like...Turkey...Loaf....all formed and wierd, it's not supposed to BE like that. But I did like the coleslaw and ate all of that. Matt hung around with us most of the day, napping and watching silly television.

Weekends like this remind you that there is a balance and it is achievable, hard work and accomplishments and good times to be had with the people you love. So I am happy today and worn out from the weekend, but ready to start a new week. I have everything I could want, Max, tremendous love and support, surrounded by amazing friends, good job...buying a house, it's all good stuff. Yay!

My only concern this very moment is that Max has this really obnoxious cough and it sounds very chesty, so I'm hoping he's doing ok at school today. I can't really give him medicine before school cuz it sort of zones him out and he has a hard enough time without adding to it, so we'll see how he is later. I noticed last night that Max's voice is really beginning to sound different, he sounds older, loosing his sweet little dude voice and developing a sweet big dude voice. I love him and want to squeeze him right now, I'd better get back to work so the day goes faster and I can get home to him sooner.

Decisions and Choices

In this past year, I have been presented with a colorful variety of palatable options and decisions to make regarding those options. As if I wasn't already aware of the fact that my ability to make confident and firm decisions is somewhat cloudy to begin with, I am being confronted with the stark reality that I have tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety wrapped up in the very process of choosing and moving with that choice.

If I make a poor decision, what are the outcomes? Will I have failed? Will others be disappointed in my decisions? Am I still loveable, worthy, capable? Will I end up starting over once again? Will my heart be broken? What about Max, how do my decisions impact this child? How will my actions affect (ruin?) him.

The mentality is clear and when I put it on paper it's even more discouraging to hear that this is what runs through my mind when I am faced with life transition. The reason is clear, life has been hard for me in the past. I've failed and others have failed me. I've had little reason to put my trust in most people which hardly allows me to learn to trust myself. I've started over numerous times and have seen the effects on children (myself?) when their families make poor decisions. I came back from so much of it and made a life for MJ and I, a career and a considerable amount of well-being in my heart. However, it seems I sort of slowed the pace of action in that process and became paralyzed by fears.

Sometimes it takes being faced with such enormous possibility, unconditional love and support to truly realize the depths of where ones heart and state of mind exists. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and I've been fighting it. I've not made a decision to do it, I've just been waiting for it to happen to ME...not for ME to happen to it. And not only have I been waiting, I've been waiting in fear. Lingering, anticipating the worst. That is a very unpleasant place to be and I am moving on, thank you.

I have the choice to impact this experience in a positive light or a negative darkness.
I choose the light.

I have the option to nurture my child and give him positive direction.
I choose to be this child's Mother.

I can love Chance with every ounce of my heart and live every moment to it's end or I can continue to disrespect and distrust him and bind the experience with hurtful behaviors.
I choose to love this man and allow him to love me.

I can continue to think that others will not accept, appreciate or acknowledge my inner being and devalidate her in the process.
I choose to allow Sarah to be who Sarah is and stop living for others.

I could keep taking the easier, more comfortable route and bide my time in my career and where I live and what I am doing in my daily life or pursue more, live it, be it.
I choose to LIVE.

I am putting a stop to the madness.

It is going to take effort and working through the release of many years of built up anxiety and pain, I've gotten lazy.
I will probably always be the sort of person that can only build true intimacy and trust with others with time.
I will probably fall into the fear comfort zone when I feel panicky, it's safe after all...if I don't do anything, nothing can happen to me. But, I am ready to "do" something.
I will probably have moments when I feel discouraged and moments when I feel empowered.
I will succeed and I will fail and I'm not always going to make the best decisions, but I will at least be making them.
Taking a freaking chance on MY LIFE, the only I have in this particular time period so I'm going after what I want and who I want to be.
Trying, moving forward. Giving it a shot.

Peace.