Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I'm Home!
A quick note cuz I'm slammed at work, but I'm home from Wisconsin. Great trip, glad to be home though. I missed Chance and my Kittens tremendously, wonderful to see his warm and loving smile and snuggle the sweet black fur of my babies! Gotta run for now, peace out g's ;-P
Monday, August 22, 2005
Um, Mom...we're still moving...
Yes and at Warp Speed Lil' Captain.
The Little Man started Junior High today. I am anxious and a little nervous, but equally excited for him and eager for this to be a positive educational experience. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He's been bouncing around the house all weekend, seemingly calm and collected about the whole thing but I know he's feeling a little antsy at least. I think the new cell phone, clothes he picked out and hair cut pushed the confidence factor up a bit, that's always a bonus.
He seemed so small getting out of the car with that huge back pack full of books and loose leaf paper and 24 #2 pencils. I keep thinking of lockers and PE, and how many more kids there seems to be and the work load. I am a touch worried about the demands of his class schedule and am hoping it will be managable for him, I remember being overwhelemed by Junior High in those first few days, but it doesn't take long to acclimate. I wish to ease that sense of being overwhelmed, clearly identify the expectations in terms of performance and give him the appropriate freedoms to enjoy the onset of young adulthood.
The Little Man is an exceptional child, he continues to shock and astound me with his natural sense of compassion and humor. As he ages I expect he will turn more inward and move through the motions of self-exploration that occurr during the teen years, I hope that in that process he will maintain his warm heart and sensetive mind and find his own balance in how he will approach life.
My heart sheds tears in reflection of the years that have past and cannot be recaptured, when he would jump into my lap and still loved to snuggle. The time we spent gazing at one antoher when he was born and his first trip to the park where he could crawl on the grass and then tried to eat it. The years in which we spent many hours bonding, reading together and walking through the wilderness. The moments when I needed him just as much as he needed me and the comfort we provided one another during the hard times, even if he didn't know they were 'hard' times. I hope not. I am allowed to have a selfish moment and let the tears flow for the memories, I am a mother and mothers feel for their children in a manner that a word like 'love' cannot truly capture.
My heart rejoices as I bear witness to his metamorphasis. His mind is keen and open, his spirit is curious and wild, his body healthy and strong, his heart full of empathy and determination. He seems to change almost daily, bigger feet and squeaky voices. Much like a baby learning to crawl and then walk, he is growing into his physical self and experimenting and testing it as he catches up with his own body. He eats and sleeps more and more. He is becoming a Little Man at lightening speed, it's really quite amazing. He makes me laugh alot, I think he enjoys making others laugh. I think he likes to be helpful and busy with his hands. Quite outstanding.
I cannot know what is it come for the Little Man, but we are fortunate in the discovery of his personal experience together.
I am very quickly learning to be happy and content in hanging out on the sidelines until he needs me and letting him play the field. As nature would dictate I suppose, I am learning to breathe and trust in his ability. It requires a lot of silent worry and biting of the tongue. This is the Mother's Mantra I suppose.
Best of luck on your first day of Junior High Maxter and don't worry, everyone else there is new to. You'll find your classes ok. Don't fret, just run and be free and take the opportunity to learn while you are young and your mind absorbs everything. Stay safe and be patient with others. I love you Little Man, you are a blessing and I got your back always, no matter what.
The Little Man started Junior High today. I am anxious and a little nervous, but equally excited for him and eager for this to be a positive educational experience. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He's been bouncing around the house all weekend, seemingly calm and collected about the whole thing but I know he's feeling a little antsy at least. I think the new cell phone, clothes he picked out and hair cut pushed the confidence factor up a bit, that's always a bonus.
He seemed so small getting out of the car with that huge back pack full of books and loose leaf paper and 24 #2 pencils. I keep thinking of lockers and PE, and how many more kids there seems to be and the work load. I am a touch worried about the demands of his class schedule and am hoping it will be managable for him, I remember being overwhelemed by Junior High in those first few days, but it doesn't take long to acclimate. I wish to ease that sense of being overwhelmed, clearly identify the expectations in terms of performance and give him the appropriate freedoms to enjoy the onset of young adulthood.
The Little Man is an exceptional child, he continues to shock and astound me with his natural sense of compassion and humor. As he ages I expect he will turn more inward and move through the motions of self-exploration that occurr during the teen years, I hope that in that process he will maintain his warm heart and sensetive mind and find his own balance in how he will approach life.
My heart sheds tears in reflection of the years that have past and cannot be recaptured, when he would jump into my lap and still loved to snuggle. The time we spent gazing at one antoher when he was born and his first trip to the park where he could crawl on the grass and then tried to eat it. The years in which we spent many hours bonding, reading together and walking through the wilderness. The moments when I needed him just as much as he needed me and the comfort we provided one another during the hard times, even if he didn't know they were 'hard' times. I hope not. I am allowed to have a selfish moment and let the tears flow for the memories, I am a mother and mothers feel for their children in a manner that a word like 'love' cannot truly capture.
My heart rejoices as I bear witness to his metamorphasis. His mind is keen and open, his spirit is curious and wild, his body healthy and strong, his heart full of empathy and determination. He seems to change almost daily, bigger feet and squeaky voices. Much like a baby learning to crawl and then walk, he is growing into his physical self and experimenting and testing it as he catches up with his own body. He eats and sleeps more and more. He is becoming a Little Man at lightening speed, it's really quite amazing. He makes me laugh alot, I think he enjoys making others laugh. I think he likes to be helpful and busy with his hands. Quite outstanding.
I cannot know what is it come for the Little Man, but we are fortunate in the discovery of his personal experience together.
I am very quickly learning to be happy and content in hanging out on the sidelines until he needs me and letting him play the field. As nature would dictate I suppose, I am learning to breathe and trust in his ability. It requires a lot of silent worry and biting of the tongue. This is the Mother's Mantra I suppose.
Best of luck on your first day of Junior High Maxter and don't worry, everyone else there is new to. You'll find your classes ok. Don't fret, just run and be free and take the opportunity to learn while you are young and your mind absorbs everything. Stay safe and be patient with others. I love you Little Man, you are a blessing and I got your back always, no matter what.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
What I Learned This Week
What I learned This Week
· There really is no excuse for being impatient and/or short with others just because you are having a particularly foul moment. Sincere apologies and a very real effort to avoid reactionary behaviors is the only option. Being hurtful, disrespectful or sarcastic is not a behavior I wish to propagate.
· Genuine interactions with everyone in ones life goes a long way. A simple and real “Thank You” or “I Understand” may be all it takes to make another persons day, in turn, I have found that an authentic compliment or warm hug from another is all it takes to make my own.
· Reminiscing on your experiences and what you’ve learned from those who have profoundly touched your life and making time when you can for those who have influenced you and that you love is important, it speaks volumes. It says to that person, “I value you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for your presence in my life.” We all need to know that about our relationships with others at least some of the time.
· You don’t have to be 100% present in the lives of others to share in their experiences and to let them know that they live in your heart with every moment.
· An image of a woman who has become a dear friend to me sleeping with her newborn son brings such complete warmth and love to my spirit that I am overcome. The beauty of that moment captured portrays the very gift of the journey they are about to embark upon together, not only as Mother and Son, but also as a bonded unit in the face of the world.
· While mundane and excruciatingly boring and obnoxious some days, domestic chores are a necessary element in daily life. I am slow to accept that the dishes must be done every day, that the laundry will pile up and require washing again once again and that tidiness is a fundamental aspect of organization that must exist in order to function. This is not only a minor irritation, it so completely boggles me that I must submit my energy and time to this ridiculousness when I’d much rather be writing in my blogg or journal or playing outside. The feminist voice in my head screams at the idea that no matter how far the concept of what women personify in our very existence, it falls on us to create a home and maintain a household, even when working a full time job. Then I look at the opportunities I have, the love and color of my environment and realize that much of it is what I create and that if I wish for it be, I must make it so. I really have no room to whine or complain, life has been good to me and when I consider what it is that I give out to the Universe and the grandness of what it gives to me, I hardly feel I can get snippy about scrubbing the bath tub or picking up socks. Not to mention it is a gentle lesson in humbleness, I certainly am above no other and what makes me so special that I should not be subject to such things? Nothing. I could be working in a Brothel of the Red Light District of Calcutta, or forced into submission because I was born into culture that says it is so. This is not to say that I do not respect other cultures and belief systems, it is not for me to judge, only to reflect on and know that when I wake up in the morning, my life is not a struggle to simply exist or feed my child. So I will continue perform these duties with love in my heart and a smile on my face.
· Formal education does not begin in Kindergarten or end upon the completion of a University degree. It is a life long process and requires ongoing effort. If I am to further my career and excel in who I am, it is my responsibility to pursue additional skills and information out side of my existing knowledge base. Formal education is not the basis of who I am, nor do I praise it as being the be all-end all to an educated mind, I do not choose it because it is expected of me or because it is a trophy of ones achievements. But it is a tool and it is something I have the opportunity to explore. I must do so, much as I see others in my immediate surroundings do so. I am proud of them and eager to see the fruits of their labors as the years pass.
· Engaging a soon to be 13 year old boy in every argument, power struggle or clash of wills that presents itself in any given day is hardly something worth expending one’s energy on. Nor is it healthy for either one of us. Besides, I will not “win”, it’s not about winning. My stubbornness does not need to supercede his need to grow. He has to know what it is to succeed and make his own choices out side of me and my opinion. He has to know WHO he is out side of me. I cannot control his growth, experiences, nature or choices. I can only guide and be there when he thrives and when he falls down. I must trust in who he is and who I am and know that his own voyage is only beginning and I cannot protect him from it or inflict my irrational fears on him. This is a hard lesson, I want so badly to protect him and know that he is safe. I feel selfish in it. That selfishness is not going to propagate his success, only push him into a very unhealthy cycle. Walking outside of my own selfish need for this child is my only option as an individual and as his mother.
· The individuals in my life are so totally outstanding in there very being that I often marvel at their ability to just be who they are. I love them all with such fever that I can hardly express it with words. We are all so fortunate, in our encounters with one another.
· Worry about much of anything is completely useless. Holding anxiety internally does not change something that may or may not be. I have the ability to change some things, but not all things. Even if I could, what would I do with it and would I want to? That is doubtful. Really. It is not how the cycle is intended to work. If I truly believe that you create your own existence, I must live this in my thought and heart songs without making attempts to control the minutia. I have made remarkable strides in doing so, but am still fighting a beast that was born before I was. The negativity that is anxiety and worry is not something I choose.
· Somewhere along the line the idea that I am unworthy, that others are peering down their noses at me and that I am a lesser being wormed it’s way into my thought process. I could easily name the sources and lay all sorts of blame, but know that ultimately, it is my choice to perceive myself in this manner. This, in itself, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have let go and healed through of much of the rage and pain that once existed in my spirit, but it I know my ability to envision myself, as a lovable, capable and unique individual is not something that comes naturally. Again, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gaining this does not come from external realms; no matter how much I am loved, nurtured and cared for the change begins with me. It is a change I strive for.
· When my body speaks to me, I must listen. This is not rocket science. If my tummy tells me I am full, I no longer need to eat. If my internal clocks says I am tired, it is time to sleep. If my ankles cry out to be stretched and back aches from sitting in cube-hell all day long, perhaps some Yoga is in order. If my mind speaks of solitude and nurturing of my spirit, I cannot feel guilty for doing so or wonder if others in my life will abandon me or feel anger toward me for caring for myself. If my soul begs for nutriment, I must willingly yield to that need. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking instant gratification of mental, spiritual and physical well being. It cannot be gained from food, or sex, or alcohol or drugs or because I read a book. It is a combination of internal dialogue and thought, openly giving and receiving love, practicing the teachings of my belief systems, physical exploration of my body and nature and supplying myself the nutritional foundation to do partake in all of these activities. It’s so easy to identify the fundamentals here, but much more difficult to practice.
· Stereotypes are ugly, ugly notions. For every label we put on one another, one is being forced unto us and this pattern of judgment upon one another is so completely horrible and hostile to me. From a sociological aspect, stereotypes exist to identify how we participate in society and what each of our perceived “roles” are. These identified “roles” are also designed to not only group us into classes of some sort BUT also segregate us from one another in the process. Be it as it may, I am a firm believer in many Sociological ideologies and principals in many ways as it addresses the world society at large on a macro level and this is critical in the very fact that we cohabitate with millions of people and the science of this is fascinating. Not to mention the spiritual implications of macro level thought and how it pertains to all of us in its process. We are all but busy bee’s in the grander hive. Many see this as cold and or callous. I don’t think so. It is reality. At least to me. But the practice of purely Sociological thought does not account for individuality, unique thought or the sacred entities that exist within each and every one of us. I am shocked at how quickly I see people cast a stereotype unto one another. Fat, skinny. Ugly, gorgeous. Intelligent, stupid. Silly, elegant. Promiscuous, chaste. Black, brown, yellow, white. Wealthy, middle class, poor white trash, redneck. Straight, bi-sexual, fag, dyke. Social drinker, alcoholic. Casual drug user, drug addict. Homeless. Republican, Democrat, Libertain, Green Party. Horrifying or not, our culture openly and willingly jokes about these labels and for whatever reason, take great satisfaction and pleasure in calling each other names. But we all identify with this game playing because stereotypes call to all of us, whether we engage in it willingly or not. It is forced upon us. A word is taken and applied it to an aspect of our personality, physical being, lifestyle choices or even worse, some aspect of who and/or what we were born to be and then mocked quaintly to the rest of the world. What do we do about it? If we even care enough to notice? I know to many this may sound overly idealistic or impossible or even impractical, but I can’t help but feel that much of the hate and frustrations built into a burning fire in our culture would subside to some degree if we all took a second look at one another and moved past the images created and fed to us from external sources. It starts with us. It is up to us to remember the uniqueness and value of all and not give into the stereotypes.
I guess I didn’t learn this all on one week, but this is my week in a nutshell.
· There really is no excuse for being impatient and/or short with others just because you are having a particularly foul moment. Sincere apologies and a very real effort to avoid reactionary behaviors is the only option. Being hurtful, disrespectful or sarcastic is not a behavior I wish to propagate.
· Genuine interactions with everyone in ones life goes a long way. A simple and real “Thank You” or “I Understand” may be all it takes to make another persons day, in turn, I have found that an authentic compliment or warm hug from another is all it takes to make my own.
· Reminiscing on your experiences and what you’ve learned from those who have profoundly touched your life and making time when you can for those who have influenced you and that you love is important, it speaks volumes. It says to that person, “I value you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for your presence in my life.” We all need to know that about our relationships with others at least some of the time.
· You don’t have to be 100% present in the lives of others to share in their experiences and to let them know that they live in your heart with every moment.
· An image of a woman who has become a dear friend to me sleeping with her newborn son brings such complete warmth and love to my spirit that I am overcome. The beauty of that moment captured portrays the very gift of the journey they are about to embark upon together, not only as Mother and Son, but also as a bonded unit in the face of the world.
· While mundane and excruciatingly boring and obnoxious some days, domestic chores are a necessary element in daily life. I am slow to accept that the dishes must be done every day, that the laundry will pile up and require washing again once again and that tidiness is a fundamental aspect of organization that must exist in order to function. This is not only a minor irritation, it so completely boggles me that I must submit my energy and time to this ridiculousness when I’d much rather be writing in my blogg or journal or playing outside. The feminist voice in my head screams at the idea that no matter how far the concept of what women personify in our very existence, it falls on us to create a home and maintain a household, even when working a full time job. Then I look at the opportunities I have, the love and color of my environment and realize that much of it is what I create and that if I wish for it be, I must make it so. I really have no room to whine or complain, life has been good to me and when I consider what it is that I give out to the Universe and the grandness of what it gives to me, I hardly feel I can get snippy about scrubbing the bath tub or picking up socks. Not to mention it is a gentle lesson in humbleness, I certainly am above no other and what makes me so special that I should not be subject to such things? Nothing. I could be working in a Brothel of the Red Light District of Calcutta, or forced into submission because I was born into culture that says it is so. This is not to say that I do not respect other cultures and belief systems, it is not for me to judge, only to reflect on and know that when I wake up in the morning, my life is not a struggle to simply exist or feed my child. So I will continue perform these duties with love in my heart and a smile on my face.
· Formal education does not begin in Kindergarten or end upon the completion of a University degree. It is a life long process and requires ongoing effort. If I am to further my career and excel in who I am, it is my responsibility to pursue additional skills and information out side of my existing knowledge base. Formal education is not the basis of who I am, nor do I praise it as being the be all-end all to an educated mind, I do not choose it because it is expected of me or because it is a trophy of ones achievements. But it is a tool and it is something I have the opportunity to explore. I must do so, much as I see others in my immediate surroundings do so. I am proud of them and eager to see the fruits of their labors as the years pass.
· Engaging a soon to be 13 year old boy in every argument, power struggle or clash of wills that presents itself in any given day is hardly something worth expending one’s energy on. Nor is it healthy for either one of us. Besides, I will not “win”, it’s not about winning. My stubbornness does not need to supercede his need to grow. He has to know what it is to succeed and make his own choices out side of me and my opinion. He has to know WHO he is out side of me. I cannot control his growth, experiences, nature or choices. I can only guide and be there when he thrives and when he falls down. I must trust in who he is and who I am and know that his own voyage is only beginning and I cannot protect him from it or inflict my irrational fears on him. This is a hard lesson, I want so badly to protect him and know that he is safe. I feel selfish in it. That selfishness is not going to propagate his success, only push him into a very unhealthy cycle. Walking outside of my own selfish need for this child is my only option as an individual and as his mother.
· The individuals in my life are so totally outstanding in there very being that I often marvel at their ability to just be who they are. I love them all with such fever that I can hardly express it with words. We are all so fortunate, in our encounters with one another.
· Worry about much of anything is completely useless. Holding anxiety internally does not change something that may or may not be. I have the ability to change some things, but not all things. Even if I could, what would I do with it and would I want to? That is doubtful. Really. It is not how the cycle is intended to work. If I truly believe that you create your own existence, I must live this in my thought and heart songs without making attempts to control the minutia. I have made remarkable strides in doing so, but am still fighting a beast that was born before I was. The negativity that is anxiety and worry is not something I choose.
· Somewhere along the line the idea that I am unworthy, that others are peering down their noses at me and that I am a lesser being wormed it’s way into my thought process. I could easily name the sources and lay all sorts of blame, but know that ultimately, it is my choice to perceive myself in this manner. This, in itself, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have let go and healed through of much of the rage and pain that once existed in my spirit, but it I know my ability to envision myself, as a lovable, capable and unique individual is not something that comes naturally. Again, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gaining this does not come from external realms; no matter how much I am loved, nurtured and cared for the change begins with me. It is a change I strive for.
· When my body speaks to me, I must listen. This is not rocket science. If my tummy tells me I am full, I no longer need to eat. If my internal clocks says I am tired, it is time to sleep. If my ankles cry out to be stretched and back aches from sitting in cube-hell all day long, perhaps some Yoga is in order. If my mind speaks of solitude and nurturing of my spirit, I cannot feel guilty for doing so or wonder if others in my life will abandon me or feel anger toward me for caring for myself. If my soul begs for nutriment, I must willingly yield to that need. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking instant gratification of mental, spiritual and physical well being. It cannot be gained from food, or sex, or alcohol or drugs or because I read a book. It is a combination of internal dialogue and thought, openly giving and receiving love, practicing the teachings of my belief systems, physical exploration of my body and nature and supplying myself the nutritional foundation to do partake in all of these activities. It’s so easy to identify the fundamentals here, but much more difficult to practice.
· Stereotypes are ugly, ugly notions. For every label we put on one another, one is being forced unto us and this pattern of judgment upon one another is so completely horrible and hostile to me. From a sociological aspect, stereotypes exist to identify how we participate in society and what each of our perceived “roles” are. These identified “roles” are also designed to not only group us into classes of some sort BUT also segregate us from one another in the process. Be it as it may, I am a firm believer in many Sociological ideologies and principals in many ways as it addresses the world society at large on a macro level and this is critical in the very fact that we cohabitate with millions of people and the science of this is fascinating. Not to mention the spiritual implications of macro level thought and how it pertains to all of us in its process. We are all but busy bee’s in the grander hive. Many see this as cold and or callous. I don’t think so. It is reality. At least to me. But the practice of purely Sociological thought does not account for individuality, unique thought or the sacred entities that exist within each and every one of us. I am shocked at how quickly I see people cast a stereotype unto one another. Fat, skinny. Ugly, gorgeous. Intelligent, stupid. Silly, elegant. Promiscuous, chaste. Black, brown, yellow, white. Wealthy, middle class, poor white trash, redneck. Straight, bi-sexual, fag, dyke. Social drinker, alcoholic. Casual drug user, drug addict. Homeless. Republican, Democrat, Libertain, Green Party. Horrifying or not, our culture openly and willingly jokes about these labels and for whatever reason, take great satisfaction and pleasure in calling each other names. But we all identify with this game playing because stereotypes call to all of us, whether we engage in it willingly or not. It is forced upon us. A word is taken and applied it to an aspect of our personality, physical being, lifestyle choices or even worse, some aspect of who and/or what we were born to be and then mocked quaintly to the rest of the world. What do we do about it? If we even care enough to notice? I know to many this may sound overly idealistic or impossible or even impractical, but I can’t help but feel that much of the hate and frustrations built into a burning fire in our culture would subside to some degree if we all took a second look at one another and moved past the images created and fed to us from external sources. It starts with us. It is up to us to remember the uniqueness and value of all and not give into the stereotypes.
I guess I didn’t learn this all on one week, but this is my week in a nutshell.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Star Dust
Yes, boys and girls the wondrous day has arrived and little baby Evan Cain Mundt was born at 1:55 PM, Saturday, August 6th 2005 to Justin & Colleen Mundt, proud parents of the a most precious little pink bundle of sweetness.
Here's a little detail:
Momma was due August 5th. Momma went into labor about 10ish Friday night (August 5th) and went to the hospital about 3 AM Saturday morning (August 6th) after her water broke on the potty, for any of you WHO don't realize the truly magnificent aspect of this little detail, just take heart in knowing that this is a miracle and a very lucky one at that. I am sure she doesn't want me sharing this with the world, but I couldn't help it. Pretty lucky for her and Dad! Anyway, Momma and Poppa made their way to the hospital (which is gorgeous BTW and totally state of the art) and she went into hard labor about 11:30 and the little dude was right on time at 1:55 PM! It sounds like Colleen did great and had a bit of a hard time during part of the delivery, but over all did wonderfully. I am not surprised, she is a steadfast one if I say so myself, ornery as hell but damit if she doesn't put it down when necessary. This child is going be VERY clear about where his boundaries are;)
I went to the hospital about 4PM, imagine...holding a 2 hour old infant! Astonishing. Certainly, I've held my share of infants (Max was defiantly the pinkest and cutest with his big ole blue eyes staring me down) but each and every time I get one of those little souls in my arms I am completely shocked at how EVERY SINGLE time I see a brand new baby I am overcome by the experience. The tiny little everything, the eyes registering the light and detail, the squeals and squeaks, the warmth of their little swaddled bodies, the very newness of their existence. It's so overwhelming, it's like you have the answer to every quandary and conundrum in your very hands and it comes from the body of The Goddess Mother. 'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.' I don't remember who said it, but it was a quote used during a Planetarium show we attended a few months ago. Breathing in this new little life form reminded me of that quote, he is made of the same stuff as I am and that you are, we all have the answers within us and we all come from the same place, made of the same stuff. I saw The Goddess Creator that was Colleen in that moment, I saw her often very stern and determined face soften considerably and the brightness of her eyes in holding her baby. Mother and child, bonding, staring at one another, learning every intricate detail of one another. I saw Love and how it moved me, Love in it's most complete and purest form.
As always, the birth of a new baby also brings my experiences with Little Man to the surface. That in spite of great adversity, this child came to be and we flourished. Maybe I will pull together the entire story some day, it would likely be a painful but rewarding endeavor, but there is one detail that stands out to me when I think of my child's birth. I became very ill after having Max, within hours I had a temperature exceeding 103 and was basically delirious from pain and medications. It turned out to be a Staph infection. I remember the hospital staff taking Max to clean him up after I had a moment with him, then a very fuzzy flash forward to trying to see him in the nursery and the nurse escorting me back to my room because I was in no condition to stand. I remember being very upset, I wanted to see him so badly. The nurse said she'd bring him to our room. Flash forward to the next morning, I woke up and was in such pain, my body felt like it has been split open and everything in my middle section felt like it was on fire. My body knew that something was missing and some thing about that was very unnerving. I was laying on the hospital bed, IV's and fluids pumping through me. I was laying on my side, something like a fetal position and I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to these two enormous brilliant blue eyes just gazing at me, we stared at each other for a very long time. It seemed like hours, it may have been. I don't know. Neither of us moved or motioned, just stared. I believe in that moment Max and I had some sort of telepathic experience, even if only in a very core manner. The intensity of that experience and his sweet sweet eyes are very strong memories, ones that are so completely engrained my mind, carthedic in nature. I had no idea at all, what this child would bring to my life. Not a clue, in any way could I even begin to comprehend.
And then I think of the challenges this new Momma and Poppa are facing. I am so proud of both of them and my heart swells with adoration as they face the challenges and embracing the gift. Parenting is confusing stuff, it has moments that are so trying it's a wonder people continue to populate and submit themselves to that insanity, but it's all the other moments when you see the Universe in your child's eyes and are completely soothed by their laughter and want nothing but to dry the tears and comfort their sadness. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder at all. The financial struggles, the moments of utter frustration, the days when you want to pull your hair out, it is all very real, but I have a faith in these two and their abilities to love this child. Kids that are loved grow up to give love and succeed, they have a head start, Justin & Colleen are giving him that head start just by being the wonderful people that they are. All children deserve this 'head start', I wish there were more I could do to see that each and every one of them have it.
And I think of Colleen and wonder what shifts will occur in her spirit as this child grows and her inner Momma Bear grows as well. Motherhood has a way of changing a girl, I am always fascinated by the transition, however subtle. I suspect Justin's colors will also transform and change with this experience, I believe they will be fantastic parents. I think of me and wonder if I will be sane after Max's teen years. I think I don't want to think about it right now:)
And I think of how all Women are The Goddess Creator, physical birth does not define this. Our wombs and warm hearts make us Mothers. Our spirits and ability to nurture and give make us Mothers. Our gorgeous bodies, designed to not only give and sustain life, but equally designed to give and sustain great pleasure and knowledge, this makes us Mothers. And Creators. And Goddesses.
'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.'
Here's a little detail:
Momma was due August 5th. Momma went into labor about 10ish Friday night (August 5th) and went to the hospital about 3 AM Saturday morning (August 6th) after her water broke on the potty, for any of you WHO don't realize the truly magnificent aspect of this little detail, just take heart in knowing that this is a miracle and a very lucky one at that. I am sure she doesn't want me sharing this with the world, but I couldn't help it. Pretty lucky for her and Dad! Anyway, Momma and Poppa made their way to the hospital (which is gorgeous BTW and totally state of the art) and she went into hard labor about 11:30 and the little dude was right on time at 1:55 PM! It sounds like Colleen did great and had a bit of a hard time during part of the delivery, but over all did wonderfully. I am not surprised, she is a steadfast one if I say so myself, ornery as hell but damit if she doesn't put it down when necessary. This child is going be VERY clear about where his boundaries are;)
I went to the hospital about 4PM, imagine...holding a 2 hour old infant! Astonishing. Certainly, I've held my share of infants (Max was defiantly the pinkest and cutest with his big ole blue eyes staring me down) but each and every time I get one of those little souls in my arms I am completely shocked at how EVERY SINGLE time I see a brand new baby I am overcome by the experience. The tiny little everything, the eyes registering the light and detail, the squeals and squeaks, the warmth of their little swaddled bodies, the very newness of their existence. It's so overwhelming, it's like you have the answer to every quandary and conundrum in your very hands and it comes from the body of The Goddess Mother. 'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.' I don't remember who said it, but it was a quote used during a Planetarium show we attended a few months ago. Breathing in this new little life form reminded me of that quote, he is made of the same stuff as I am and that you are, we all have the answers within us and we all come from the same place, made of the same stuff. I saw The Goddess Creator that was Colleen in that moment, I saw her often very stern and determined face soften considerably and the brightness of her eyes in holding her baby. Mother and child, bonding, staring at one another, learning every intricate detail of one another. I saw Love and how it moved me, Love in it's most complete and purest form.
As always, the birth of a new baby also brings my experiences with Little Man to the surface. That in spite of great adversity, this child came to be and we flourished. Maybe I will pull together the entire story some day, it would likely be a painful but rewarding endeavor, but there is one detail that stands out to me when I think of my child's birth. I became very ill after having Max, within hours I had a temperature exceeding 103 and was basically delirious from pain and medications. It turned out to be a Staph infection. I remember the hospital staff taking Max to clean him up after I had a moment with him, then a very fuzzy flash forward to trying to see him in the nursery and the nurse escorting me back to my room because I was in no condition to stand. I remember being very upset, I wanted to see him so badly. The nurse said she'd bring him to our room. Flash forward to the next morning, I woke up and was in such pain, my body felt like it has been split open and everything in my middle section felt like it was on fire. My body knew that something was missing and some thing about that was very unnerving. I was laying on the hospital bed, IV's and fluids pumping through me. I was laying on my side, something like a fetal position and I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to these two enormous brilliant blue eyes just gazing at me, we stared at each other for a very long time. It seemed like hours, it may have been. I don't know. Neither of us moved or motioned, just stared. I believe in that moment Max and I had some sort of telepathic experience, even if only in a very core manner. The intensity of that experience and his sweet sweet eyes are very strong memories, ones that are so completely engrained my mind, carthedic in nature. I had no idea at all, what this child would bring to my life. Not a clue, in any way could I even begin to comprehend.
And then I think of the challenges this new Momma and Poppa are facing. I am so proud of both of them and my heart swells with adoration as they face the challenges and embracing the gift. Parenting is confusing stuff, it has moments that are so trying it's a wonder people continue to populate and submit themselves to that insanity, but it's all the other moments when you see the Universe in your child's eyes and are completely soothed by their laughter and want nothing but to dry the tears and comfort their sadness. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder at all. The financial struggles, the moments of utter frustration, the days when you want to pull your hair out, it is all very real, but I have a faith in these two and their abilities to love this child. Kids that are loved grow up to give love and succeed, they have a head start, Justin & Colleen are giving him that head start just by being the wonderful people that they are. All children deserve this 'head start', I wish there were more I could do to see that each and every one of them have it.
And I think of Colleen and wonder what shifts will occur in her spirit as this child grows and her inner Momma Bear grows as well. Motherhood has a way of changing a girl, I am always fascinated by the transition, however subtle. I suspect Justin's colors will also transform and change with this experience, I believe they will be fantastic parents. I think of me and wonder if I will be sane after Max's teen years. I think I don't want to think about it right now:)
And I think of how all Women are The Goddess Creator, physical birth does not define this. Our wombs and warm hearts make us Mothers. Our spirits and ability to nurture and give make us Mothers. Our gorgeous bodies, designed to not only give and sustain life, but equally designed to give and sustain great pleasure and knowledge, this makes us Mothers. And Creators. And Goddesses.
'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.'
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Rainy Day Random Reflections
It's a generally quiet week here at PDC, some minor work here and there but relatively calm with little to do. I cannot complain, I do not mind really, besides it's given me ample opportunity to blogg a little more then usual I just love blabbering.
I've managed to hurt my wrists, I think I slept on them strangely last night. I didn't sleep well last night, kept hearing bumps, thumps and other unidentified sounds. I've always thought my house might have spirits with unfinished business here, but I am not sure it had anything to do with that. In other bedtime news, The Buffalo I normally snuggle was replaced by The Momma Leopard & Her Cub, but she is a little bulky and awkward so The Buffalo will remain my favorite cuddle toy for sleep. I like to cuddle CMan too, but he is not very pliable and has bones, you can clearly see the challenges there.
It's rainy today, I love it. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest would be a good place for me after all, I really enjoy weather of all kinds. I always wondered if the cloudy rain would get to me if I were to head up North, but I'm not so sure. I would miss the snow though, if I moved away from Colorado. I like the 'snow-vibe.' I like being cozied up in bed and wake up to the snow and then go back to sleep or choose to put my pajama's and slippers on and waddle over to the couch and then watching the snow from there and then going back to bed and being warm and watching the snow from there too...I would miss that. I also like the way it looks against the street lamps as it falls a night, I have many memories of being outside in the snow at night, sometimes just a few flakes, other times a straight out blizzard. I would miss that a lot.
This is a strange odor in the office right now, I'm not sure I am very comfortable with it and am thinking of pursuing the source but am nervous about the whole 'You smelt it, you dealt it' aspect of walking around the office sniffing and asking 'What is that smell?'
I do hope work doesn't all dump on me right before I am to leave for Wisconsin the end of this month? I am a little nervous about visiting my family in that direction, it's been a very long time and I've changed tremendously. My Grandparents won't even know what to think as they have a knowledge of me the rest of my family does not, I am certainly no longer a little innocent lass, though I play one very well should I choose to *wink* Anyhow, if memory serves I am facing some large differences politically and in food choices, but otherwise we all like beer and to laugh a lot, a Universal Common Ground. Works for me. Can't wait to show the Little Man off, I am quite proud of what a wonderful spirit he is, I think they will all agree.
Even thought it has been a quiet week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday morning and hang out with Little Man all weekend. CMan and I are thinking of taking him to the drive in this weekend. I think he'd dig the whole idea, maybe we'll make a picnic out of it?
I keep reading all this hype on the internet about Al Quaida's supposed 'threats' to America & London......fear is a powerful weapon, especially in the hands of a huge super power with millions of tax payers. I wonder what this will all look like 20 years from now, what Max will remember and what changes in culture will be attributed to this time period in history, mostly I think it will just be embarrassing for all of us.
Getting ready to head out for the day, go hang out with Little Man for the afternoon.
Peace.
"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."
~Lula
*Wild At Heart.
I've managed to hurt my wrists, I think I slept on them strangely last night. I didn't sleep well last night, kept hearing bumps, thumps and other unidentified sounds. I've always thought my house might have spirits with unfinished business here, but I am not sure it had anything to do with that. In other bedtime news, The Buffalo I normally snuggle was replaced by The Momma Leopard & Her Cub, but she is a little bulky and awkward so The Buffalo will remain my favorite cuddle toy for sleep. I like to cuddle CMan too, but he is not very pliable and has bones, you can clearly see the challenges there.
It's rainy today, I love it. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest would be a good place for me after all, I really enjoy weather of all kinds. I always wondered if the cloudy rain would get to me if I were to head up North, but I'm not so sure. I would miss the snow though, if I moved away from Colorado. I like the 'snow-vibe.' I like being cozied up in bed and wake up to the snow and then go back to sleep or choose to put my pajama's and slippers on and waddle over to the couch and then watching the snow from there and then going back to bed and being warm and watching the snow from there too...I would miss that. I also like the way it looks against the street lamps as it falls a night, I have many memories of being outside in the snow at night, sometimes just a few flakes, other times a straight out blizzard. I would miss that a lot.
This is a strange odor in the office right now, I'm not sure I am very comfortable with it and am thinking of pursuing the source but am nervous about the whole 'You smelt it, you dealt it' aspect of walking around the office sniffing and asking 'What is that smell?'
I do hope work doesn't all dump on me right before I am to leave for Wisconsin the end of this month? I am a little nervous about visiting my family in that direction, it's been a very long time and I've changed tremendously. My Grandparents won't even know what to think as they have a knowledge of me the rest of my family does not, I am certainly no longer a little innocent lass, though I play one very well should I choose to *wink* Anyhow, if memory serves I am facing some large differences politically and in food choices, but otherwise we all like beer and to laugh a lot, a Universal Common Ground. Works for me. Can't wait to show the Little Man off, I am quite proud of what a wonderful spirit he is, I think they will all agree.
Even thought it has been a quiet week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday morning and hang out with Little Man all weekend. CMan and I are thinking of taking him to the drive in this weekend. I think he'd dig the whole idea, maybe we'll make a picnic out of it?
I keep reading all this hype on the internet about Al Quaida's supposed 'threats' to America & London......fear is a powerful weapon, especially in the hands of a huge super power with millions of tax payers. I wonder what this will all look like 20 years from now, what Max will remember and what changes in culture will be attributed to this time period in history, mostly I think it will just be embarrassing for all of us.
Getting ready to head out for the day, go hang out with Little Man for the afternoon.
Peace.
"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."
~Lula
*Wild At Heart.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Becuase It Is The Right Thing....For Me...It's Not About You.
Let me just state the obvious: My life style, method of thought, decisions and choices are all based on what is right for me and embody the very essence of my (MY!) belief system.
I do not pass judgment unto others who do not hold the same beliefs as I do, I welcome the unique perspective of others. I do not expect you to agree, concede, accept, participate, adapt or even consider my perspective and choices; I do not seek your validation. If your position differs from my own, I do not require justifications from you. If my very presence some how brings forth thoughts and/or feelings of guilt for your own decisions and/or life style, I do not need a lengthy explanation as to why you make the decisions that you do. It's really ok. Really.
I am not personally offended by you or your way of life, why are you by mine?
I hardly understand why it is my responsibility to defend MY choices to you if they make YOU uncomfortable. I have not made the decisions I've made to be difficult, embarrass, harass or some how guilt you in to my belief system. I love you. All.
This is my life path and I am walking it as gracefully and thoughtfully as is possible for me. I know what is written on my heart and I follow it to the best of my ability. I do not always succeed, sometimes I switch gears and explore other options but I know I am but a little babe in these great big woods and exploring them just as everyone else does.
If my behaviors, actions, ideals, interests, aura, if I as a human being in some way come across as self-righteous to you, I apologize, it is not my intention. But I will not feel guilt or allow you to chastise me for your lack of tolerance and understanding for my choices.
If I choose to refrain from eating flesh, it is because I disagree with the senseless torture, mutilation and murder of millions of animals and the utter lack of respect for our fellow souls NOT because I think you are some barbarian or condemn you for doing so.
If I choose to refrain from participating in any specific organized religion, it is because I disagree with the methods, ideologies and brainwashing mind control that I see...not because I am disrespecting your freedom to practice any religion you choose or casting a judgment on your belief in Allah, Jesus Christ, Gaia, Green Man Or Your Pet Hampster.
If I choose to refrain from spanking my child, it is not because I think you are a 'bad' parent if that is your method of discipline.
If I choose to party till the wee hours of the morning, engage in 'premarital' sex and run naked through the sprinklers at 3:00 AM, it does NOT mean I think you are a 'party-pooper', 'stuck-up' or a 'tight-ass.'
I do not make these choices out of self-important prideful ego or with motives to quantify my existence, I make my life choices as I move through these motions the best that I can based on what my spirit and heart speak. I do not walk about with a microphone and an amp preaching and touting my thoughts and beliefs to others, it exists within me, if you ask, I will answer. If you find my answer unacceptable or concerned of what others might think of you by associating with me, then YOU have the choice to disagree and kindly be on your way. I will not stop you and I will not hold it in my heart as I would hope you would not in yours.
Nameste
I do not pass judgment unto others who do not hold the same beliefs as I do, I welcome the unique perspective of others. I do not expect you to agree, concede, accept, participate, adapt or even consider my perspective and choices; I do not seek your validation. If your position differs from my own, I do not require justifications from you. If my very presence some how brings forth thoughts and/or feelings of guilt for your own decisions and/or life style, I do not need a lengthy explanation as to why you make the decisions that you do. It's really ok. Really.
I am not personally offended by you or your way of life, why are you by mine?
I hardly understand why it is my responsibility to defend MY choices to you if they make YOU uncomfortable. I have not made the decisions I've made to be difficult, embarrass, harass or some how guilt you in to my belief system. I love you. All.
This is my life path and I am walking it as gracefully and thoughtfully as is possible for me. I know what is written on my heart and I follow it to the best of my ability. I do not always succeed, sometimes I switch gears and explore other options but I know I am but a little babe in these great big woods and exploring them just as everyone else does.
If my behaviors, actions, ideals, interests, aura, if I as a human being in some way come across as self-righteous to you, I apologize, it is not my intention. But I will not feel guilt or allow you to chastise me for your lack of tolerance and understanding for my choices.
If I choose to refrain from eating flesh, it is because I disagree with the senseless torture, mutilation and murder of millions of animals and the utter lack of respect for our fellow souls NOT because I think you are some barbarian or condemn you for doing so.
If I choose to refrain from participating in any specific organized religion, it is because I disagree with the methods, ideologies and brainwashing mind control that I see...not because I am disrespecting your freedom to practice any religion you choose or casting a judgment on your belief in Allah, Jesus Christ, Gaia, Green Man Or Your Pet Hampster.
If I choose to refrain from spanking my child, it is not because I think you are a 'bad' parent if that is your method of discipline.
If I choose to party till the wee hours of the morning, engage in 'premarital' sex and run naked through the sprinklers at 3:00 AM, it does NOT mean I think you are a 'party-pooper', 'stuck-up' or a 'tight-ass.'
I do not make these choices out of self-important prideful ego or with motives to quantify my existence, I make my life choices as I move through these motions the best that I can based on what my spirit and heart speak. I do not walk about with a microphone and an amp preaching and touting my thoughts and beliefs to others, it exists within me, if you ask, I will answer. If you find my answer unacceptable or concerned of what others might think of you by associating with me, then YOU have the choice to disagree and kindly be on your way. I will not stop you and I will not hold it in my heart as I would hope you would not in yours.
Nameste
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Spork Part Deux
I am a Class A Dumbass this morning. Max was scheduled for summer camp today, I completely screwed up the next two weeks in my mind's schedule. He's going this week and next week but was supposed to go M, T, W & F THIS week and M, W, F NEXT week....damit, what a waste of money and now he's at all bored n' stuff. Obviously things need to slow down a little, I can't keep things straight. Time to make use of my Unicorn Calendar again me thinks. Slooooow it down sister!
I am getting conflicting reports on my Grandmother, I talked to Mom last night and she said everything seemed fine. The first email from my Grandfather this morning said the same and then the second indicated she had a fever, was feeling very run down and they were looking at more tests. That says infection to me, I don't know for sure, but that's what my gut says and that makes me nervous. Thanks to all of your good wishes, all of that positive energy and thought in her direction is definitely all we can do right now. I will keep you posted as we move forward.
Had a wonderful evening with CMan last night, we do so good. I'm not sure how or why I do it, but sometimes I forget how compatible and loving we are with one another and rarely tend to stay upset with each other at all and neither of us hold grudges (I'm too lazy to hold a grudge? Rhi???? LOL!) We are taking this weekend as an opportunity for a VERY quiet weekend at home and have decided this weekend has to be about us and chilling at the house. I am already looking forward to it. Besides, Little Man is starting school sooner than he thinks, he's gonna need some down time too. Sigh, is it Friday yet????
Work is a little hectic today, one of the managers at our main client is pregnant for the first time and they've had all sorts of upheaval...she's a sweetheart, but one of those folks who doesn't handle any kind of stress so well. So EVERYTHING is a big deal and EVERYDAY the sky is falling....she's chasing her tail and I'm just doing my best to get her what she needs all the while refusing to allow myself to get consumed by her insanity. I am doing pretty good at it, after working at a place like TNT for 2 years, a girl develops pretty thick skin to such things.
Oh yes and a trivia question.....I made it up all by myself, hee hee:)
What movie musical has several scenes in which the key players and performers are consuming Absinth in great volume and the Absinth itself plays a crucial role within the over all plot?
I am getting conflicting reports on my Grandmother, I talked to Mom last night and she said everything seemed fine. The first email from my Grandfather this morning said the same and then the second indicated she had a fever, was feeling very run down and they were looking at more tests. That says infection to me, I don't know for sure, but that's what my gut says and that makes me nervous. Thanks to all of your good wishes, all of that positive energy and thought in her direction is definitely all we can do right now. I will keep you posted as we move forward.
Had a wonderful evening with CMan last night, we do so good. I'm not sure how or why I do it, but sometimes I forget how compatible and loving we are with one another and rarely tend to stay upset with each other at all and neither of us hold grudges (I'm too lazy to hold a grudge? Rhi???? LOL!) We are taking this weekend as an opportunity for a VERY quiet weekend at home and have decided this weekend has to be about us and chilling at the house. I am already looking forward to it. Besides, Little Man is starting school sooner than he thinks, he's gonna need some down time too. Sigh, is it Friday yet????
Work is a little hectic today, one of the managers at our main client is pregnant for the first time and they've had all sorts of upheaval...she's a sweetheart, but one of those folks who doesn't handle any kind of stress so well. So EVERYTHING is a big deal and EVERYDAY the sky is falling....she's chasing her tail and I'm just doing my best to get her what she needs all the while refusing to allow myself to get consumed by her insanity. I am doing pretty good at it, after working at a place like TNT for 2 years, a girl develops pretty thick skin to such things.
Oh yes and a trivia question.....I made it up all by myself, hee hee:)
What movie musical has several scenes in which the key players and performers are consuming Absinth in great volume and the Absinth itself plays a crucial role within the over all plot?
Monday, August 01, 2005
Oatmeal With A Fork?
Sans Friday evening with my girls, which was a blast, this has not been the best of weekends. Actually, mostly just Sunday was upsetting and frustrating. Because I got absolutely nothing done on Saturday, I spent my Sunday morning working. Doing dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping and trying to get some level of organization back. Our house is small, one little thing out of place makes the whole house look like a disaster. This made me grumpy, I wanted to sleep. I wanted to lay in bed with CMan and snuggle. No dice.
My Grandma Barbie (Mom's Mom) is in the hospital. Has had surgery to implant a pace maker and her body is rejecting it. She spent a full year getting off of the Morphine she's been taking for chronic, debilitating arthritis which she's suffered from since her early 20's and they pumped her full of it again yesterday after the surgery. I could just strangle that doctor, what an insensitive jerk. She didn't even have the option to protest and was not given an option otherwise. He has no idea what she has been through in terms of withdrawal with this drug, everyone knows how addictive it. She is not doing well, they had to reinsert her chest tube twice (cringe) as they are trying to open up the air waves to her lungs. The pacemaker is squishing her lungs basically and since her body is rejecting it as well, her lungs need all the air they can get. I really don't know how to feel right now, neither does my Mom. What do we do? The idea of my Grandfather having to go through this on his own (no immediate family there) and the image of my Grandmother laying in that hospital bed alone is unbearable. They live in Tennessee, Mom and I already talked about going if the need arises. My job will understand, I have to be there for them if necessary. All we can do now is wait and that's the worst.
CMan and I had an ugly fight last night. I am hurt and frustrated. Besides my child, he is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and when we are hurtful to one another it resonates to the very core of my being. I said mean things, so did he. He was grumpy all day yesterday and I know he is upset about something. But he is choosing not to share with me, this hurts me, though he keeps insisting it has nothing to do with me. Maybe not, but it still hurts that I am being excluded from whatever it is that's going on internally, yet feeling all of the impact externally. I understand the need for space and gladly give it to him as we are both very independent individuals and need a lot of personal space, but this isn't about space.....sigh....I love him, he'd better know that and not be sitting at work fuming, which he probably is. He is upset about our fight, he is probably as sad as I am about it.
I am sad today. And now I am eating oatmeal with a fork cuz I don't have a spoon. Where's a spork when you need one? Can I get a spork over here????
The good news is that Max is home and I am so grateful to see his sweet smile and get some of that warm 12 year old kid hug love:) He is such an outstand person, he truly is. The other good news is that two of my girls are about to mommies for the first time, I am thrilled. I can't wait for these babies...both are due this week, so expect to hear more details on that. I cannot wait to have those little ones in my arms.
Spork?
My Grandma Barbie (Mom's Mom) is in the hospital. Has had surgery to implant a pace maker and her body is rejecting it. She spent a full year getting off of the Morphine she's been taking for chronic, debilitating arthritis which she's suffered from since her early 20's and they pumped her full of it again yesterday after the surgery. I could just strangle that doctor, what an insensitive jerk. She didn't even have the option to protest and was not given an option otherwise. He has no idea what she has been through in terms of withdrawal with this drug, everyone knows how addictive it. She is not doing well, they had to reinsert her chest tube twice (cringe) as they are trying to open up the air waves to her lungs. The pacemaker is squishing her lungs basically and since her body is rejecting it as well, her lungs need all the air they can get. I really don't know how to feel right now, neither does my Mom. What do we do? The idea of my Grandfather having to go through this on his own (no immediate family there) and the image of my Grandmother laying in that hospital bed alone is unbearable. They live in Tennessee, Mom and I already talked about going if the need arises. My job will understand, I have to be there for them if necessary. All we can do now is wait and that's the worst.
CMan and I had an ugly fight last night. I am hurt and frustrated. Besides my child, he is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and when we are hurtful to one another it resonates to the very core of my being. I said mean things, so did he. He was grumpy all day yesterday and I know he is upset about something. But he is choosing not to share with me, this hurts me, though he keeps insisting it has nothing to do with me. Maybe not, but it still hurts that I am being excluded from whatever it is that's going on internally, yet feeling all of the impact externally. I understand the need for space and gladly give it to him as we are both very independent individuals and need a lot of personal space, but this isn't about space.....sigh....I love him, he'd better know that and not be sitting at work fuming, which he probably is. He is upset about our fight, he is probably as sad as I am about it.
I am sad today. And now I am eating oatmeal with a fork cuz I don't have a spoon. Where's a spork when you need one? Can I get a spork over here????
The good news is that Max is home and I am so grateful to see his sweet smile and get some of that warm 12 year old kid hug love:) He is such an outstand person, he truly is. The other good news is that two of my girls are about to mommies for the first time, I am thrilled. I can't wait for these babies...both are due this week, so expect to hear more details on that. I cannot wait to have those little ones in my arms.
Spork?
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Exposure
I am feeling exceptionally exposed and vulnerable this morning. This is not to say that I don't walk around already knowing I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I emit complete transparency. Crying easily, laughing boisterously and reacting with honest, raw emotion is really the only way I know how to exist. I am not shy about this nor do I make any attempt to conceal this aspect of my spirit. An open book indeed.
This is a very different sort of exposure, this is about the intricate details of my neurosis and shame. I hadn't realized I had so much shame left, I thought I'd escaped that trap. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case.
Sharing my life and every aspect of my daily existence with this man whom I adore, love and respect beyond what I thought was possible to share with another person has brought this issue to the surface in a frightening way. He see's me in the starkest, ugliest light; completely naked and at my crudest. He see's my hair stringy and hanging in my face when I cannot look him in the eye, my own eyes filled with tears that might drown the world. He bares witness to the true depths of my injuries and I find myself filled with absolute shame and embarrassment.
The shame I feel is not because of my history or due to the mistreatment from others, I refuse anyone else the satisfaction of shaming me. I am past playing the victim. It is a personal shame that is based on my own inabilities to persevere through some of that pain and my high expectations of myself to reach almost total perfection within the emotional realm. To stand tall against the past and those who took from me and cultivate this being that exists outside of those experiences. The embarrassment comes from that struggle and this sense that this struggle is on display to those closest to me. Not to mention how that struggle impacts those experiencing daily life with me in those moments when I don't have it together so well, which is more than I'd like to admit.
It is a little uncomfortable to feel my underbelly exposed so completely. To know that someone else is present at my very best and worst and wondering what he must be thinking of me. What of this women who is always pulled in one direction or another, not a whole lot of balance. Purely extreme in every sense of that word? I would confuse the hell out of me. It's got to be pretty difficult some days.
My concern for his opinion is not out of need for his approval or because I fear this man's actions or that I distrust him. Quite the opposite, it is more because I wish only to give so completely to him as he does to me and sometimes I feel I am simply not able and he see's that. That bothers me. It does not feel fair or even. Every time I fall apart over something I thought I'd healed from long ago, he's the lucky guy that gets to hold my hand and wipe the tears. I'm not sure I'd call that luck by any means.
It has also occurred to me that it is quite possible that I am experiencing true emotional intimacy with someone for the very first time in my life and that maybe I am not quite as insane as I think I am, only moving through the phases of allowing another individual total access to my authentic self. Obviously I'm talking outside of the parent/child bond, that's a very different sort of emotional attachment. In my adult life I have been surrounded by warm and wonderful individuals for the most part and I feel very genuine in my interactions with most of them, but the reality is that I have been primarily on my own and while I've often consulted with others for support when I've needed it, in reflection it is quite possible I've relied mostly on myself to nurture my emotional, spiritual and intellectual self. Exposing the very depths of all of those 'selves' to another person is new to me to some degree, at least to this level. And very often, I am completely overcome at how he some how continues to extend his love for me without any question or judgments. He IS always there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and only fosters compassion and tolerance in our relationship.
We are learning from each other, there's no question about that.
I told him last night after an episode 'Someday I might be normal.'
He just laughed at me, gave me a squeeze and told me he loved me.
Someday I might be normal *giggles* yeah. ok. What fun is it to be normal anyway?
This is a very different sort of exposure, this is about the intricate details of my neurosis and shame. I hadn't realized I had so much shame left, I thought I'd escaped that trap. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case.
Sharing my life and every aspect of my daily existence with this man whom I adore, love and respect beyond what I thought was possible to share with another person has brought this issue to the surface in a frightening way. He see's me in the starkest, ugliest light; completely naked and at my crudest. He see's my hair stringy and hanging in my face when I cannot look him in the eye, my own eyes filled with tears that might drown the world. He bares witness to the true depths of my injuries and I find myself filled with absolute shame and embarrassment.
The shame I feel is not because of my history or due to the mistreatment from others, I refuse anyone else the satisfaction of shaming me. I am past playing the victim. It is a personal shame that is based on my own inabilities to persevere through some of that pain and my high expectations of myself to reach almost total perfection within the emotional realm. To stand tall against the past and those who took from me and cultivate this being that exists outside of those experiences. The embarrassment comes from that struggle and this sense that this struggle is on display to those closest to me. Not to mention how that struggle impacts those experiencing daily life with me in those moments when I don't have it together so well, which is more than I'd like to admit.
It is a little uncomfortable to feel my underbelly exposed so completely. To know that someone else is present at my very best and worst and wondering what he must be thinking of me. What of this women who is always pulled in one direction or another, not a whole lot of balance. Purely extreme in every sense of that word? I would confuse the hell out of me. It's got to be pretty difficult some days.
My concern for his opinion is not out of need for his approval or because I fear this man's actions or that I distrust him. Quite the opposite, it is more because I wish only to give so completely to him as he does to me and sometimes I feel I am simply not able and he see's that. That bothers me. It does not feel fair or even. Every time I fall apart over something I thought I'd healed from long ago, he's the lucky guy that gets to hold my hand and wipe the tears. I'm not sure I'd call that luck by any means.
It has also occurred to me that it is quite possible that I am experiencing true emotional intimacy with someone for the very first time in my life and that maybe I am not quite as insane as I think I am, only moving through the phases of allowing another individual total access to my authentic self. Obviously I'm talking outside of the parent/child bond, that's a very different sort of emotional attachment. In my adult life I have been surrounded by warm and wonderful individuals for the most part and I feel very genuine in my interactions with most of them, but the reality is that I have been primarily on my own and while I've often consulted with others for support when I've needed it, in reflection it is quite possible I've relied mostly on myself to nurture my emotional, spiritual and intellectual self. Exposing the very depths of all of those 'selves' to another person is new to me to some degree, at least to this level. And very often, I am completely overcome at how he some how continues to extend his love for me without any question or judgments. He IS always there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and only fosters compassion and tolerance in our relationship.
We are learning from each other, there's no question about that.
I told him last night after an episode 'Someday I might be normal.'
He just laughed at me, gave me a squeeze and told me he loved me.
Someday I might be normal *giggles* yeah. ok. What fun is it to be normal anyway?
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Shiny Disco Dancing Fruit-Balls
Yeeehaw, what a weekend!!!! Wowzers, I think we are feeling very warm and fuzzy after such a great release!!!!
Friday night was quiet, went with CMan to dinner at what used to be a restaurant I was fond of...La Fonda, no longer I am sad to report. Food and service was decent at best, I always try to frequent local, family owned restaurants if possible. They can be quite declivous and unique experiences and had up until now thought this to be a fun local spot to hit now and then. We were a little disappointed but didn't let that ruin our night, we were tired and ready to chill. Watched some comedy and I was more than ready for bed. Woke up to find CMan had passed out on the couch. I've been giving him a hard time about it all weekend, I miss him when he's not in bed with me and wake up feeling like something is wrong...yes, I AM strange, just the way I ams man!
Saturday was running around, buying kitty thingys and a new vacuum cleaner....it's nice to have on that works, we've not had a good one around for a few years now. Now those straggler hairballs cannot escape me HA HA!!!!!
CMan went to a function during the day and I spent the afternoon in the bathtub drinking wine and relaxing. I needed it very badly, very badly. I am learning a lot about putting boundaries down with the people I love, I am remembering that sometimes I really do have to put myself first and that's ok, the world is not going to fall apart and my loved ones are not going to instantly hate my guts cuz I said...'This is what I need for me, just for right now.' Anyway, the bath, quiet house and wine was wonderful!
After relaxing and what nots, CMan was home. Pimp Daddy Matt made his way over, informed me we had an extra ticket, I coerced my friend Jessica into joining us (twisted her arm really really hard...ha, yeah right!) we rounded up, collected ourselves and were all off to Rave On The Rocks. It's officially been declared that this event will forever be (as long as it's legal) a annual experience for all of us.
It was a total blast! All these excellent wild thumping beats - beautiful people every where - excellent vibe and plenty of available alcohol for the weekend/out partying lush in me. Jessica and I danced and talked, the boys played with glow sticks and got nice and drunk. Matt enjoyed all the eye candy...Ok, I'm sure CMan did to, but he kept his hands to himself, even when being fondled by an obviously completely intoxicated little enchantress...her intentions were good I think, she was just giving him a show. It was actually quite funny, she was just LOVING HIM UP and he had his hands out and kept looking at me like 'I'm not touching her!' I just laughed at them both, as if he has to prove that he's faithful??? LOL. Please! Ok ok, so the gesture is totally appreciated and I was like 'Awwww, that's my baby!'
There was totally insanity all around us, even with the obvious and obligatory undercover coppers lurking about, but it was all relatively contained and safe. Maybe there should be more opportunities like that for kids to get together and party and dance their assess off in a beautiful outdoor setting???? We stayed until 1 am, our ride had to get home. We went home, chatted about the night and hit they hay. Sunday we recouped. I will admit to a hefty hang over and not enough sleep, we all slept all day, watched movies and ate veggie pizza.
Sometimes a little crazy club kid fun is all one needs to refocus, reenergize and release. If I were a doctor, I'd likely prescribe it to my patients. Thanks to CMan for being him, as always I am ever amazed at who you are. Good Call Mr. Matt *smooch* Big thanks to Jessica for keeping herself relatively under control and driving, someone had to be the voice of reason. Hey and thanks to me for letting my hair down and getting my groovy groove on!
Max will be home this Friday. He's up at his Grandma's for their summer week thiny. I really miss him, more on all that later.
Friday night was quiet, went with CMan to dinner at what used to be a restaurant I was fond of...La Fonda, no longer I am sad to report. Food and service was decent at best, I always try to frequent local, family owned restaurants if possible. They can be quite declivous and unique experiences and had up until now thought this to be a fun local spot to hit now and then. We were a little disappointed but didn't let that ruin our night, we were tired and ready to chill. Watched some comedy and I was more than ready for bed. Woke up to find CMan had passed out on the couch. I've been giving him a hard time about it all weekend, I miss him when he's not in bed with me and wake up feeling like something is wrong...yes, I AM strange, just the way I ams man!
Saturday was running around, buying kitty thingys and a new vacuum cleaner....it's nice to have on that works, we've not had a good one around for a few years now. Now those straggler hairballs cannot escape me HA HA!!!!!
CMan went to a function during the day and I spent the afternoon in the bathtub drinking wine and relaxing. I needed it very badly, very badly. I am learning a lot about putting boundaries down with the people I love, I am remembering that sometimes I really do have to put myself first and that's ok, the world is not going to fall apart and my loved ones are not going to instantly hate my guts cuz I said...'This is what I need for me, just for right now.' Anyway, the bath, quiet house and wine was wonderful!
After relaxing and what nots, CMan was home. Pimp Daddy Matt made his way over, informed me we had an extra ticket, I coerced my friend Jessica into joining us (twisted her arm really really hard...ha, yeah right!) we rounded up, collected ourselves and were all off to Rave On The Rocks. It's officially been declared that this event will forever be (as long as it's legal) a annual experience for all of us.
It was a total blast! All these excellent wild thumping beats - beautiful people every where - excellent vibe and plenty of available alcohol for the weekend/out partying lush in me. Jessica and I danced and talked, the boys played with glow sticks and got nice and drunk. Matt enjoyed all the eye candy...Ok, I'm sure CMan did to, but he kept his hands to himself, even when being fondled by an obviously completely intoxicated little enchantress...her intentions were good I think, she was just giving him a show. It was actually quite funny, she was just LOVING HIM UP and he had his hands out and kept looking at me like 'I'm not touching her!' I just laughed at them both, as if he has to prove that he's faithful??? LOL. Please! Ok ok, so the gesture is totally appreciated and I was like 'Awwww, that's my baby!'
There was totally insanity all around us, even with the obvious and obligatory undercover coppers lurking about, but it was all relatively contained and safe. Maybe there should be more opportunities like that for kids to get together and party and dance their assess off in a beautiful outdoor setting???? We stayed until 1 am, our ride had to get home. We went home, chatted about the night and hit they hay. Sunday we recouped. I will admit to a hefty hang over and not enough sleep, we all slept all day, watched movies and ate veggie pizza.
Sometimes a little crazy club kid fun is all one needs to refocus, reenergize and release. If I were a doctor, I'd likely prescribe it to my patients. Thanks to CMan for being him, as always I am ever amazed at who you are. Good Call Mr. Matt *smooch* Big thanks to Jessica for keeping herself relatively under control and driving, someone had to be the voice of reason. Hey and thanks to me for letting my hair down and getting my groovy groove on!
Max will be home this Friday. He's up at his Grandma's for their summer week thiny. I really miss him, more on all that later.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Sticky Situations...
Max and I left his father when I was 18; Max was about 20 months old. Though Sean was several years older than me, at the time he was pretty immature. So was I. We were both very young to have a child and he wasn't ready to be a father or a partner. There was no love between us (if there ever really was) only this very abusive and dysfunctional existence, to say the least. Leaving him was the only option and I have never questioned my decision.
Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.
Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.
Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.
My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.
Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.
All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.
I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.
That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.
I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.
Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.
Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.
Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.
My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.
Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.
All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.
I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.
That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.
I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
08/15/2005 Weekend Reflections
I ended up having a wonderful weekend, in spite of my reluctance about not having any 'down' time so to speak. I hardly feel I can justify a complaint about not having enough time with the boys, at home or to myself when I consider the life events of those all around me. A large majority of my immediate circle are probably running on empty at this point as it is and most of them are just getting started! Course, I certainly have my own very welcome life changes to contend with, but I'm finding it less challenging and more rewarding as my control freak nature subsides and take the time to be introspective about behaviors, ideals and ego's in the process. A time of great change for us all.
Friday night we went to C's mom, had pizza, wine and ping pong. I really adore her, she's so sweet and nurturing. Very much the maternal unit. We all adore her, she's enjoyable to spend time with. She will play with Max more than any adult I know (except C when it comes to the whole video game aspect of 'play') and seems to genuinely enjoy him. C and I have this theory, when one gets older they have more capacity to truly appreciate children thus reminding us (primarily me) to also reflect on that appreciate and consider it's power in terms of the Little Man.
Saturday we all got up early and were quite productive. Spent the day shopping mostly, but for fun stuff. Bought two Vegetarian cook books for sooooper low prices, we were all happy about that. Max got some new comic books, I got a new fun stuff or me (clothes/jewelry/candles) and we all spent too much money but had lots of fun. Our refrigerator is now packed with lots of green, red, yellow wholesome goodness. I love it! C is an amazing cook, I've never met a dude that could cook so well. I'd like to blame him for the extra lbs., but can't really do so honestly, though it IS part of it. We eat A LOT of food, but it is all very healthy and I love the fact that C will explore a Vegetarian life style, another check on the 'Why I Love C' list.
Saturday night was Crys's going away party. C hung out with Little Man and drove me to and fro the festivities in order to avoid a ticket and I cut it loose with the girls. There was bowling, drinks, hanging out in the infamous 'Highlands Ranch Geeerageee' and time with Crys & Rhi that was sorely needed by all of us. As we were all sitting at dinner, I looked around and realized there were 3 things I would miss most as Crystal & Dane embark on their new lives together, Crystal, Dane and the diverse elements included in our fun together. I will not miss the guys in that group who have become increasingly creepy and uncomfortable to even be around, I guess my tolerance for certain sorts of behavior isn't quite as readily available as it once was. Not out of judgment, more out of a general respect for myself and those around me and my own choices. I look forward to a new dawning in the lives of my much beloved friends, our sweet Rhi is also considering a gigantic move I know she's holding off on any final decisions and moving forward with such things until Crys and Dane are safely in WA. I applaud her unselfish behavior in being available to Crys for any assistance she may need as the days go by.
Hats off to our sweet Sam who kindly and patiently cared for us silly girls as he always does, I sense a very real and genuine friendship between him, Rhi and Crys. I like it, friendships like that are empowering and affirming, however brief or brilliant they may be.
Sunday morning C came to my rescue and took me home to a wonderful meal, some snugglies and I spent the majority of the day on the couch with him and the Little Man. I am a spoiled rotten little brat and I am loving every minute of it. I'm not sure what drives him to be so gentle, patient, kind and loving toward me but he does so without question or hesitation. Not to just me either, all those in his life. His family, myself and my child, his dear friends....some day I will find a way to articulate my thoughts more effectively, until then I just say 'Thank You' alot and try to love him the best that I can, which sometimes is conveyed in strange and probably irritating ways, but he accepts my quirkiness too, so I am learning not to apologize for being a freak cuz some people love the Freak That Is Me:)
Friday night we went to C's mom, had pizza, wine and ping pong. I really adore her, she's so sweet and nurturing. Very much the maternal unit. We all adore her, she's enjoyable to spend time with. She will play with Max more than any adult I know (except C when it comes to the whole video game aspect of 'play') and seems to genuinely enjoy him. C and I have this theory, when one gets older they have more capacity to truly appreciate children thus reminding us (primarily me) to also reflect on that appreciate and consider it's power in terms of the Little Man.
Saturday we all got up early and were quite productive. Spent the day shopping mostly, but for fun stuff. Bought two Vegetarian cook books for sooooper low prices, we were all happy about that. Max got some new comic books, I got a new fun stuff or me (clothes/jewelry/candles) and we all spent too much money but had lots of fun. Our refrigerator is now packed with lots of green, red, yellow wholesome goodness. I love it! C is an amazing cook, I've never met a dude that could cook so well. I'd like to blame him for the extra lbs., but can't really do so honestly, though it IS part of it. We eat A LOT of food, but it is all very healthy and I love the fact that C will explore a Vegetarian life style, another check on the 'Why I Love C' list.
Saturday night was Crys's going away party. C hung out with Little Man and drove me to and fro the festivities in order to avoid a ticket and I cut it loose with the girls. There was bowling, drinks, hanging out in the infamous 'Highlands Ranch Geeerageee' and time with Crys & Rhi that was sorely needed by all of us. As we were all sitting at dinner, I looked around and realized there were 3 things I would miss most as Crystal & Dane embark on their new lives together, Crystal, Dane and the diverse elements included in our fun together. I will not miss the guys in that group who have become increasingly creepy and uncomfortable to even be around, I guess my tolerance for certain sorts of behavior isn't quite as readily available as it once was. Not out of judgment, more out of a general respect for myself and those around me and my own choices. I look forward to a new dawning in the lives of my much beloved friends, our sweet Rhi is also considering a gigantic move I know she's holding off on any final decisions and moving forward with such things until Crys and Dane are safely in WA. I applaud her unselfish behavior in being available to Crys for any assistance she may need as the days go by.
Hats off to our sweet Sam who kindly and patiently cared for us silly girls as he always does, I sense a very real and genuine friendship between him, Rhi and Crys. I like it, friendships like that are empowering and affirming, however brief or brilliant they may be.
Sunday morning C came to my rescue and took me home to a wonderful meal, some snugglies and I spent the majority of the day on the couch with him and the Little Man. I am a spoiled rotten little brat and I am loving every minute of it. I'm not sure what drives him to be so gentle, patient, kind and loving toward me but he does so without question or hesitation. Not to just me either, all those in his life. His family, myself and my child, his dear friends....some day I will find a way to articulate my thoughts more effectively, until then I just say 'Thank You' alot and try to love him the best that I can, which sometimes is conveyed in strange and probably irritating ways, but he accepts my quirkiness too, so I am learning not to apologize for being a freak cuz some people love the Freak That Is Me:)
Friday, July 08, 2005
Hi, My Name Is Sarah & I Am A Sushi Addict....
I can't stop eating Sushi, some one might have to intervene. My spending on this little habit has increased significantly. I feel such enormous satisfaction when I pop a Californa or Dragon roll in my mouth I almost burst. It's a rush. I yearn for the sting of wasabi and salty brown goodness of soy sauce. It is my secret addiction and I cannot stop. I crave this food like a drug, I think about it a lot and feel guilty when I sneak around to buy it at lunch. I cannot afford it, but I keep doing it. I can't stop. Please help. I just ate my last Californa Roll for today and am already thinking about it again.
Help.
Help.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
DING DING...Crystal Wins!!!
1) I believe that Unicorns are quite real and not merely the legends of myth.
True. I love them, they are gorgeous and I believe all 'mythical' animals are based on actual creature, of this earth or not, I don't know?
2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
True. Until my student advisor talked me out of it, ah well, it all worked out just fine.
3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
True. Everyone knows that, ha ha ha. Well not everyone, but all my girls
4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
True. But they got cut off. *sniff*
5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
False! I love animals and bats are kind of cute, but they freak me out. Irrational fear.
6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
True. I am the Mole Queen or Queen Mole, however you want to look at it:)
7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
True. Definately.
8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
True. Front man for Radiohead, I had a 'moment' with him you know????
9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
False! My first car was actaully a '79 Mazda GLC Hatchback running on 3 cyclinders thank you very much!
10) I love the ocean and all things related.
True. Of course, I am a squishy fishy water bear-er kind of momma!
11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.
True. I always wonder if one can label themselves as 'open minded' though, can you really declare yourself as something like that? I dunno, not really up to me I don't think, too many variables. We ALL think we are open minded, right?
True. I love them, they are gorgeous and I believe all 'mythical' animals are based on actual creature, of this earth or not, I don't know?
2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
True. Until my student advisor talked me out of it, ah well, it all worked out just fine.
3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
True. Everyone knows that, ha ha ha. Well not everyone, but all my girls
4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
True. But they got cut off. *sniff*
5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
False! I love animals and bats are kind of cute, but they freak me out. Irrational fear.
6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
True. I am the Mole Queen or Queen Mole, however you want to look at it:)
7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
True. Definately.
8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
True. Front man for Radiohead, I had a 'moment' with him you know????
9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
False! My first car was actaully a '79 Mazda GLC Hatchback running on 3 cyclinders thank you very much!
10) I love the ocean and all things related.
True. Of course, I am a squishy fishy water bear-er kind of momma!
11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.
True. I always wonder if one can label themselves as 'open minded' though, can you really declare yourself as something like that? I dunno, not really up to me I don't think, too many variables. We ALL think we are open minded, right?
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
8 Truths and 2 Lies About You
8 Truths and 2 Lies About You (let your readers guess which are the lies)
1) I believe that Unicorns are quite real and not merely the legends of myth.
2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
10) I love the ocean and all things related.
11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.
1) I believe that Unicorns are quite real and not merely the legends of myth.
2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
10) I love the ocean and all things related.
11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.
Bathrooms are strange places. I never really thought about it until recently, I mean we go in there to do some pretty private stuff and a lot of the time there are other people in there with us. I guess we've just kind of learned to accept it, we live with billions of other people, we do not have the luxary of using The Little Girls room all alone any more, ever...at all. Period. Hrm?
Max used to follow me into the bathroom almost on cue when he was very small, he seemed curious about what I was doing in there and as most of you know...I have a pretty open door policy in my house...most doors stay open, most of the time. This became uncomfortable as he got older obviously, we both needed more privacy and it just occurrs naturally between boys and their Mom's. Plus, I've learned that budding young men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas. But it's not a big deal to me at all, if I really have to 'go' I'm gonna go and if he's with me in that situation, than so be it.
Same with C, I have no qualms about tinkling if he's shaving or something. Though, again...I've learned that most men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas ;-) *ggigle* I LOVE to mess with them, LOVE it! Silly boys, get grossed out pretty easily really. *ha*
I've used the bathroom a billion times with Crystal, Peck, Rhi and Kristen and Sandy and Kim and all my girls, even in some pretty nasty places. Once I had to stand in front of Kristen with a blanket on the side of the road. She wasn't holding it any more and we were on a long ass road trip in the middle of the night. Woops. Or the Ladies Room at The Deadbeat, yum...that's one of my favorites. Or The Church! HA HA, yuck...you have to be marginally intoxicated to go in there in the first place, if given a choice, I'd rather pee outside than in bathroom at the Deadbeat, but mostly we just go in there to socialize, check make up/hair and admire each others outfits or gossip. Sometimes it's a safety thing too...creepy guy alert, maybe your partying it up in a part of town that's known for being a little dingy...no biggy, common sense. It's true men, there's a reason why we go to the bathroom together, not to hard to figure out, ya know? :)
So, what's my point? Well, I mean really, when it boils down to it...I'm just not a very shy person over all. About some things yes, but not so much for the most part.
So, what's my next point? Well, if you are in a public restroom....say with someone you work with, and you don't know them very well at all and they are TALKING to you, through the stall...while your trying to pee and think about how to adequately and completely test the piece of code you just wrote so you can move onto the next task...it just seems a strange moment to have casual conversation to me.
If Crystal shouts 'Hey Sarah, I need some TP over here' or even something more personal...sure, I'll talk to her happily. If Max is calling for me through the house, I'll answer him...no big deal at all. If C needs to shave and there's only one bathroom, you do what you have to do, not a worry.
But this whole bathroom ettiquette at my work is really foreign to me. Where's the respect for personal space? Random Women A is going to holler at me through the bathroom stall or at me while she's on the toliet while I am trying to exit the restroom? I don't know you, what makes you think you can talk to me THROUGH the stall while I'm in disposed even if I didn't approach you with conversation? This is my private moment, why am I now responisble for upholding the standard social graces in the bathroom that are better suited for the lunch room or water cooler? Isn't it bad enough that I have to share this toliet with 20 other women?
Running around half naked (or completely in some cases) in front of very close friends and family seems very natural to me, using the bathroom with my girls...nah, whatever...next....BUT this thing at work is just totally off kilter to me. I think it boils down to this whole issue of respect and personal space/business. I've also noticed myself becoming increasingly irritable if someone is invading my physical space, say in the grocery store or something along those lines....
Maybes the living/working/breathing/driving/existing in close proximaty to thousands of people is getting to me? Maybe the cube walls and I are having issues? Maybe social standards have changed and I wasn't notified. Maybe I need a plant and a fish in my cube?
Maybe I'm just being too sensative? Maybe there's something wrong with me???? Nah, I'm pretty sure that no matter how ya slice it....yelling at a stranger through the bathroom stall door isn't really appropriate!
Max used to follow me into the bathroom almost on cue when he was very small, he seemed curious about what I was doing in there and as most of you know...I have a pretty open door policy in my house...most doors stay open, most of the time. This became uncomfortable as he got older obviously, we both needed more privacy and it just occurrs naturally between boys and their Mom's. Plus, I've learned that budding young men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas. But it's not a big deal to me at all, if I really have to 'go' I'm gonna go and if he's with me in that situation, than so be it.
Same with C, I have no qualms about tinkling if he's shaving or something. Though, again...I've learned that most men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas ;-) *ggigle* I LOVE to mess with them, LOVE it! Silly boys, get grossed out pretty easily really. *ha*
I've used the bathroom a billion times with Crystal, Peck, Rhi and Kristen and Sandy and Kim and all my girls, even in some pretty nasty places. Once I had to stand in front of Kristen with a blanket on the side of the road. She wasn't holding it any more and we were on a long ass road trip in the middle of the night. Woops. Or the Ladies Room at The Deadbeat, yum...that's one of my favorites. Or The Church! HA HA, yuck...you have to be marginally intoxicated to go in there in the first place, if given a choice, I'd rather pee outside than in bathroom at the Deadbeat, but mostly we just go in there to socialize, check make up/hair and admire each others outfits or gossip. Sometimes it's a safety thing too...creepy guy alert, maybe your partying it up in a part of town that's known for being a little dingy...no biggy, common sense. It's true men, there's a reason why we go to the bathroom together, not to hard to figure out, ya know? :)
So, what's my point? Well, I mean really, when it boils down to it...I'm just not a very shy person over all. About some things yes, but not so much for the most part.
So, what's my next point? Well, if you are in a public restroom....say with someone you work with, and you don't know them very well at all and they are TALKING to you, through the stall...while your trying to pee and think about how to adequately and completely test the piece of code you just wrote so you can move onto the next task...it just seems a strange moment to have casual conversation to me.
If Crystal shouts 'Hey Sarah, I need some TP over here' or even something more personal...sure, I'll talk to her happily. If Max is calling for me through the house, I'll answer him...no big deal at all. If C needs to shave and there's only one bathroom, you do what you have to do, not a worry.
But this whole bathroom ettiquette at my work is really foreign to me. Where's the respect for personal space? Random Women A is going to holler at me through the bathroom stall or at me while she's on the toliet while I am trying to exit the restroom? I don't know you, what makes you think you can talk to me THROUGH the stall while I'm in disposed even if I didn't approach you with conversation? This is my private moment, why am I now responisble for upholding the standard social graces in the bathroom that are better suited for the lunch room or water cooler? Isn't it bad enough that I have to share this toliet with 20 other women?
Running around half naked (or completely in some cases) in front of very close friends and family seems very natural to me, using the bathroom with my girls...nah, whatever...next....BUT this thing at work is just totally off kilter to me. I think it boils down to this whole issue of respect and personal space/business. I've also noticed myself becoming increasingly irritable if someone is invading my physical space, say in the grocery store or something along those lines....
Maybes the living/working/breathing/driving/existing in close proximaty to thousands of people is getting to me? Maybe the cube walls and I are having issues? Maybe social standards have changed and I wasn't notified. Maybe I need a plant and a fish in my cube?
Maybe I'm just being too sensative? Maybe there's something wrong with me???? Nah, I'm pretty sure that no matter how ya slice it....yelling at a stranger through the bathroom stall door isn't really appropriate!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Calling all cube dwellers....
If you, like me, are a cube dweller...it is imperative that you take a moment to review this site:
http://www.cubefigures.com/home.html
http://www.cubefigures.com/home.html
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Celibrate Solstice
Ancient Celts : Druids, the priestly/professional/diplomatic corps in Celtic countries, celebrated Alban Heruin ("Light of the Shore"). It was midway between the spring Equinox (Alban Eiler; "Light of the Earth") and the fall Equinox (Alban Elfed; "Light of the Water"). "This midsummer festival celebrates the apex of Light, sometimes symbolized in the crowning of the Oak King, God of the waxing year. At his crowning, the Oak King falls to his darker aspect, the Holly King, God of the waning year..." 13 The days following Alban Heruin form the waning part of the year because the days become shorter.
Anient China: Their summer solstice ceremony celebrated the earth, the feminine, and the yin forces. It complemented the winter solstice which celebrated the heavens, masculinity and yang forces.
Ancient Gaul: The Midsummer celebration was called Feast of Epona, named after a mare goddess who personified fertility, sovereignty and agriculture. She was portrayed as a woman riding a mare.
Ancient Germanic, Slav and Celtic tribes in Europe: Ancient Pagans celebrated Midsummer with bonfires. ''It was the night of fire festivals and of love magic, of love oracles and divination. It had to do with lovers and predictions, when pairs of lovers would jump through the luck-bringing flames...'' It was believed that the crops would grow as high as the couples were able to jump. Through the fire's power, ''...maidens would find out about their future husband, and spirits and demons were banished.'' Another function of bonfires was to generate sympathetic magic: giving a boost to the sun's energy so that it would remain potent throughout the rest of the growing season and guarantee a plentiful harvest.
Ancient Rome: The festival of Vestalia lasted from JUN-7 to JUN-15. It was held in honor of the Roman Goddess of the hearth, Vesta. Married women were able to enter the shrine of Vesta during the festival. At other times of the year, only the vestal virgins were permitted inside.
Ancient Sweden: A Midsummer tree was set up and decorated in each town. The villagers danced around it. Women and girls would customarily bathe in the local river. This was a magical ritual, intended to bring rain for the crops
Christian countries: After the conversion of Europe to Christianity, the feast day of St. John the Baptist was set as JUN-24. It "is one of the oldest feasts, if not the oldest feast, introduced into both the Greek and Latin liturgies to honour a saint." 16 Curiously, the feast is held on the alleged date of his birth. Other Christian saints' days are observed on the anniversary of their death. The Catholic Encyclopedia explains that St. John was "filled with the Holy Ghost even from his mother's womb...[thus his] birth...should be signalized as a day of triumph." 16 His feast day is offset a few days after the summer solstice, just as Christmas is fixed a few days after the winter solstice. 1 "Just as John was the forerunner to Jesus, midsummer forecasts the eventual arrival of" the winter solstice circa DEC-21.
Neopaganism: This is a group of religions which are attempted re-constructions of ancient Pagan religions. Of these, Wicca is the most common; it is loosely based partly on ancient Celtic beliefs and practices. Wiccans recognize eight seasonal days of celebration. Four are minor sabbats and occur at the two solstices and the two equinoxes. The other are major sabbats which happen approximately halfway between an equinox and solstice. The summer solstice sabbat is often called Midsummer or Litha. Wiccans may celebrate the sabbat on the evening before, at sunrise on the morning of the solstice, or at the exact time of the astronomical event. "Midsummer is the time when the sun reaches the peak of its power, the earth is green and holds the promise of a bountiful harvest. The Mother Goddess is viewed as heavily pregnant, and the God is at the apex of his manhood and is honored in his guise as the supreme sun."
Prehistoric Europe: Many remains of ancient stone structures can be found throughout Europe. Some date back many millennia BCE. Many appear to have religious/astronomical purposes; others are burial tombs. These structures were built before writing was developed. One can only speculate on the significance of the summer solstice to the builders. Perhaps the most famous of these structures is Stonehenge, a megalith monument on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire. It was built in three stages, between circa 3000 and 1500 BCE. "The circular bank and ditch, double circle of 'bluestones' (spotted dolerite), and circle of sarsen stones (some with white lintels), are concentric, and the main axis is aligned on the midsummer sunrise--an orientation that was probably for ritual rather than scientific purposes.4 Four "station stones" within the monument form a rectangle whose shorter side also points in the direction of the midsummer sunrise.
*******************************************************************
Fear is a great motivator but Love is the best reason to act.
Ellen Conlee, June 20th, 2005
*******************************************************************
Celebrate Gaia, drink from the waters and breath conscious breathe. Acknowledge your surroundings and focus your affections for one moment to the Great Mother, for she gives so much to us without a question.
Let this day mark the change in seasons and the encourage us to reflect on the changes within ourselves.
Blessed Be Brothers & Sisters ;-)
peace & love
slc
Anient China: Their summer solstice ceremony celebrated the earth, the feminine, and the yin forces. It complemented the winter solstice which celebrated the heavens, masculinity and yang forces.
Ancient Gaul: The Midsummer celebration was called Feast of Epona, named after a mare goddess who personified fertility, sovereignty and agriculture. She was portrayed as a woman riding a mare.
Ancient Germanic, Slav and Celtic tribes in Europe: Ancient Pagans celebrated Midsummer with bonfires. ''It was the night of fire festivals and of love magic, of love oracles and divination. It had to do with lovers and predictions, when pairs of lovers would jump through the luck-bringing flames...'' It was believed that the crops would grow as high as the couples were able to jump. Through the fire's power, ''...maidens would find out about their future husband, and spirits and demons were banished.'' Another function of bonfires was to generate sympathetic magic: giving a boost to the sun's energy so that it would remain potent throughout the rest of the growing season and guarantee a plentiful harvest.
Ancient Rome: The festival of Vestalia lasted from JUN-7 to JUN-15. It was held in honor of the Roman Goddess of the hearth, Vesta. Married women were able to enter the shrine of Vesta during the festival. At other times of the year, only the vestal virgins were permitted inside.
Ancient Sweden: A Midsummer tree was set up and decorated in each town. The villagers danced around it. Women and girls would customarily bathe in the local river. This was a magical ritual, intended to bring rain for the crops
Christian countries: After the conversion of Europe to Christianity, the feast day of St. John the Baptist was set as JUN-24. It "is one of the oldest feasts, if not the oldest feast, introduced into both the Greek and Latin liturgies to honour a saint." 16 Curiously, the feast is held on the alleged date of his birth. Other Christian saints' days are observed on the anniversary of their death. The Catholic Encyclopedia explains that St. John was "filled with the Holy Ghost even from his mother's womb...[thus his] birth...should be signalized as a day of triumph." 16 His feast day is offset a few days after the summer solstice, just as Christmas is fixed a few days after the winter solstice. 1 "Just as John was the forerunner to Jesus, midsummer forecasts the eventual arrival of" the winter solstice circa DEC-21.
Neopaganism: This is a group of religions which are attempted re-constructions of ancient Pagan religions. Of these, Wicca is the most common; it is loosely based partly on ancient Celtic beliefs and practices. Wiccans recognize eight seasonal days of celebration. Four are minor sabbats and occur at the two solstices and the two equinoxes. The other are major sabbats which happen approximately halfway between an equinox and solstice. The summer solstice sabbat is often called Midsummer or Litha. Wiccans may celebrate the sabbat on the evening before, at sunrise on the morning of the solstice, or at the exact time of the astronomical event. "Midsummer is the time when the sun reaches the peak of its power, the earth is green and holds the promise of a bountiful harvest. The Mother Goddess is viewed as heavily pregnant, and the God is at the apex of his manhood and is honored in his guise as the supreme sun."
Prehistoric Europe: Many remains of ancient stone structures can be found throughout Europe. Some date back many millennia BCE. Many appear to have religious/astronomical purposes; others are burial tombs. These structures were built before writing was developed. One can only speculate on the significance of the summer solstice to the builders. Perhaps the most famous of these structures is Stonehenge, a megalith monument on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire. It was built in three stages, between circa 3000 and 1500 BCE. "The circular bank and ditch, double circle of 'bluestones' (spotted dolerite), and circle of sarsen stones (some with white lintels), are concentric, and the main axis is aligned on the midsummer sunrise--an orientation that was probably for ritual rather than scientific purposes.4 Four "station stones" within the monument form a rectangle whose shorter side also points in the direction of the midsummer sunrise.
*******************************************************************
Fear is a great motivator but Love is the best reason to act.
Ellen Conlee, June 20th, 2005
*******************************************************************
Celebrate Gaia, drink from the waters and breath conscious breathe. Acknowledge your surroundings and focus your affections for one moment to the Great Mother, for she gives so much to us without a question.
Let this day mark the change in seasons and the encourage us to reflect on the changes within ourselves.
Blessed Be Brothers & Sisters ;-)
peace & love
slc
Monday, June 20, 2005
Weekend Wonders.....
a) If someone is cooking dinner in a large, bubbling pot and asks if you'd like a taste, blow on it a little before moving forward as to avoid a scalded tongue and throat.
b) More than 2 males in one room, by default, becomes a 'Pack.' This is dangerous if you are the only female, a little tired and marginally ill feeling. Be prepared for relentless ribbing, but otherwise enjoyable.
c) Again, by default, males seem to have a difficult time with the concept of putting things back in there respective 'place.' This is known as leaving a 'trail'...around the entire, freaking house. In conjunction, there also seems to be some confusion about what keeping the house 'tidy, neat or clean' really means. This is possibley due to the lack of attention span, propegated by hundreds of hours playing video games?
d) No matter how wonderful some one is, your best friend, your spouse, your child or perhaps a co-worker; some times you just cannot take even one more smart ass comment or the butt of their jokes and you have to let them know this gently, becuase it doesn't matter how rotten or irritating their 'jokes' might be if you let them have it after weeks of aggrivation, your going to get a blank stare accompanied with a 'Jeez, don't take it so personal.' huh? wha? ok, moving on.
e) Witnessing a first time mother with her child is an experience totally and completely filled with warmth and love, I am overcome thinking of it.
f) C really does respect and consider my choice to limit meat in my diet, yay C, you are so good!
g) It is very easy to get dehydrated in Colorado, it's like a sauna in our house right now. Maybe I will loose some weight?
h) Some days it's harder to get up and go to work than others, sometimes the idea of having to work forever seems overwhelming. I really could've slept all day. I think I'm getting a cold or something? Sometimes I feel like whining.
i) My son is really growing quickly, it often catches me off guard and am wondering how long it will be until he towers over me. Shortly I'm thinking. Oh yeah and I have to get the 'Paintball Party' plans started for his 13th Bday. He's pretty excited, I hope he doesn't come home again with 10,000 bruises covering his body from the paintballs, this upsets me greatly.
j) I really love my life right now, it's pretty amazing stuff. Thanks to Max for being a great little dude and to C for just being himself and being a wonderful part of our lives;-)
k) I painted my toes yesterday with Carin's nail polish, it made me happy to use it. Maybe I should more, I never want to use it cuz I don't want to 'waste' it, she's probably laughing at me about that.
l) People who are not family or close friends or even compatible roomates were not meant to live with only 3" walls seperating your existance, our neighbors officially hate us now. I'm really glad we are trying to move, they bug me. Kudos to C for handling them with grace and style, I wanted to cuss at them again.
m) Back to work, woo hoo.
b) More than 2 males in one room, by default, becomes a 'Pack.' This is dangerous if you are the only female, a little tired and marginally ill feeling. Be prepared for relentless ribbing, but otherwise enjoyable.
c) Again, by default, males seem to have a difficult time with the concept of putting things back in there respective 'place.' This is known as leaving a 'trail'...around the entire, freaking house. In conjunction, there also seems to be some confusion about what keeping the house 'tidy, neat or clean' really means. This is possibley due to the lack of attention span, propegated by hundreds of hours playing video games?
d) No matter how wonderful some one is, your best friend, your spouse, your child or perhaps a co-worker; some times you just cannot take even one more smart ass comment or the butt of their jokes and you have to let them know this gently, becuase it doesn't matter how rotten or irritating their 'jokes' might be if you let them have it after weeks of aggrivation, your going to get a blank stare accompanied with a 'Jeez, don't take it so personal.' huh? wha? ok, moving on.
e) Witnessing a first time mother with her child is an experience totally and completely filled with warmth and love, I am overcome thinking of it.
f) C really does respect and consider my choice to limit meat in my diet, yay C, you are so good!
g) It is very easy to get dehydrated in Colorado, it's like a sauna in our house right now. Maybe I will loose some weight?
h) Some days it's harder to get up and go to work than others, sometimes the idea of having to work forever seems overwhelming. I really could've slept all day. I think I'm getting a cold or something? Sometimes I feel like whining.
i) My son is really growing quickly, it often catches me off guard and am wondering how long it will be until he towers over me. Shortly I'm thinking. Oh yeah and I have to get the 'Paintball Party' plans started for his 13th Bday. He's pretty excited, I hope he doesn't come home again with 10,000 bruises covering his body from the paintballs, this upsets me greatly.
j) I really love my life right now, it's pretty amazing stuff. Thanks to Max for being a great little dude and to C for just being himself and being a wonderful part of our lives;-)
k) I painted my toes yesterday with Carin's nail polish, it made me happy to use it. Maybe I should more, I never want to use it cuz I don't want to 'waste' it, she's probably laughing at me about that.
l) People who are not family or close friends or even compatible roomates were not meant to live with only 3" walls seperating your existance, our neighbors officially hate us now. I'm really glad we are trying to move, they bug me. Kudos to C for handling them with grace and style, I wanted to cuss at them again.
m) Back to work, woo hoo.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Mer-creatures
| You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid. |
What Mythological Creature are you?
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