Exposure

I am feeling exceptionally exposed and vulnerable this morning. This is not to say that I don't walk around already knowing I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I emit complete transparency. Crying easily, laughing boisterously and reacting with honest, raw emotion is really the only way I know how to exist. I am not shy about this nor do I make any attempt to conceal this aspect of my spirit. An open book indeed.

This is a very different sort of exposure, this is about the intricate details of my neurosis and shame. I hadn't realized I had so much shame left, I thought I'd escaped that trap. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case.

Sharing my life and every aspect of my daily existence with this man whom I adore, love and respect beyond what I thought was possible to share with another person has brought this issue to the surface in a frightening way. He see's me in the starkest, ugliest light; completely naked and at my crudest. He see's my hair stringy and hanging in my face when I cannot look him in the eye, my own eyes filled with tears that might drown the world. He bares witness to the true depths of my injuries and I find myself filled with absolute shame and embarrassment.

The shame I feel is not because of my history or due to the mistreatment from others, I refuse anyone else the satisfaction of shaming me. I am past playing the victim. It is a personal shame that is based on my own inabilities to persevere through some of that pain and my high expectations of myself to reach almost total perfection within the emotional realm. To stand tall against the past and those who took from me and cultivate this being that exists outside of those experiences. The embarrassment comes from that struggle and this sense that this struggle is on display to those closest to me. Not to mention how that struggle impacts those experiencing daily life with me in those moments when I don't have it together so well, which is more than I'd like to admit.

It is a little uncomfortable to feel my underbelly exposed so completely. To know that someone else is present at my very best and worst and wondering what he must be thinking of me. What of this women who is always pulled in one direction or another, not a whole lot of balance. Purely extreme in every sense of that word? I would confuse the hell out of me. It's got to be pretty difficult some days.

My concern for his opinion is not out of need for his approval or because I fear this man's actions or that I distrust him. Quite the opposite, it is more because I wish only to give so completely to him as he does to me and sometimes I feel I am simply not able and he see's that. That bothers me. It does not feel fair or even. Every time I fall apart over something I thought I'd healed from long ago, he's the lucky guy that gets to hold my hand and wipe the tears. I'm not sure I'd call that luck by any means.

It has also occurred to me that it is quite possible that I am experiencing true emotional intimacy with someone for the very first time in my life and that maybe I am not quite as insane as I think I am, only moving through the phases of allowing another individual total access to my authentic self. Obviously I'm talking outside of the parent/child bond, that's a very different sort of emotional attachment. In my adult life I have been surrounded by warm and wonderful individuals for the most part and I feel very genuine in my interactions with most of them, but the reality is that I have been primarily on my own and while I've often consulted with others for support when I've needed it, in reflection it is quite possible I've relied mostly on myself to nurture my emotional, spiritual and intellectual self. Exposing the very depths of all of those 'selves' to another person is new to me to some degree, at least to this level. And very often, I am completely overcome at how he some how continues to extend his love for me without any question or judgments. He IS always there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and only fosters compassion and tolerance in our relationship.

We are learning from each other, there's no question about that.

I told him last night after an episode 'Someday I might be normal.'

He just laughed at me, gave me a squeeze and told me he loved me.

Someday I might be normal *giggles* yeah. ok. What fun is it to be normal anyway?

Shiny Disco Dancing Fruit-Balls

Yeeehaw, what a weekend!!!! Wowzers, I think we are feeling very warm and fuzzy after such a great release!!!!

Friday night was quiet, went with CMan to dinner at what used to be a restaurant I was fond of...La Fonda, no longer I am sad to report. Food and service was decent at best, I always try to frequent local, family owned restaurants if possible. They can be quite declivous and unique experiences and had up until now thought this to be a fun local spot to hit now and then. We were a little disappointed but didn't let that ruin our night, we were tired and ready to chill. Watched some comedy and I was more than ready for bed. Woke up to find CMan had passed out on the couch. I've been giving him a hard time about it all weekend, I miss him when he's not in bed with me and wake up feeling like something is wrong...yes, I AM strange, just the way I ams man!

Saturday was running around, buying kitty thingys and a new vacuum cleaner....it's nice to have on that works, we've not had a good one around for a few years now. Now those straggler hairballs cannot escape me HA HA!!!!!

CMan went to a function during the day and I spent the afternoon in the bathtub drinking wine and relaxing. I needed it very badly, very badly. I am learning a lot about putting boundaries down with the people I love, I am remembering that sometimes I really do have to put myself first and that's ok, the world is not going to fall apart and my loved ones are not going to instantly hate my guts cuz I said...'This is what I need for me, just for right now.' Anyway, the bath, quiet house and wine was wonderful!

After relaxing and what nots, CMan was home. Pimp Daddy Matt made his way over, informed me we had an extra ticket, I coerced my friend Jessica into joining us (twisted her arm really really hard...ha, yeah right!) we rounded up, collected ourselves and were all off to Rave On The Rocks. It's officially been declared that this event will forever be (as long as it's legal) a annual experience for all of us.

It was a total blast! All these excellent wild thumping beats - beautiful people every where - excellent vibe and plenty of available alcohol for the weekend/out partying lush in me. Jessica and I danced and talked, the boys played with glow sticks and got nice and drunk. Matt enjoyed all the eye candy...Ok, I'm sure CMan did to, but he kept his hands to himself, even when being fondled by an obviously completely intoxicated little enchantress...her intentions were good I think, she was just giving him a show. It was actually quite funny, she was just LOVING HIM UP and he had his hands out and kept looking at me like 'I'm not touching her!' I just laughed at them both, as if he has to prove that he's faithful??? LOL. Please! Ok ok, so the gesture is totally appreciated and I was like 'Awwww, that's my baby!'

There was totally insanity all around us, even with the obvious and obligatory undercover coppers lurking about, but it was all relatively contained and safe. Maybe there should be more opportunities like that for kids to get together and party and dance their assess off in a beautiful outdoor setting???? We stayed until 1 am, our ride had to get home. We went home, chatted about the night and hit they hay. Sunday we recouped. I will admit to a hefty hang over and not enough sleep, we all slept all day, watched movies and ate veggie pizza.

Sometimes a little crazy club kid fun is all one needs to refocus, reenergize and release. If I were a doctor, I'd likely prescribe it to my patients. Thanks to CMan for being him, as always I am ever amazed at who you are. Good Call Mr. Matt *smooch* Big thanks to Jessica for keeping herself relatively under control and driving, someone had to be the voice of reason. Hey and thanks to me for letting my hair down and getting my groovy groove on!

Max will be home this Friday. He's up at his Grandma's for their summer week thiny. I really miss him, more on all that later.

Sticky Situations...

Max and I left his father when I was 18; Max was about 20 months old. Though Sean was several years older than me, at the time he was pretty immature. So was I. We were both very young to have a child and he wasn't ready to be a father or a partner. There was no love between us (if there ever really was) only this very abusive and dysfunctional existence, to say the least. Leaving him was the only option and I have never questioned my decision.

Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.

Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.

Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.

My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.

Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.

All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.

I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.

That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.

I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.

08/15/2005 Weekend Reflections

I ended up having a wonderful weekend, in spite of my reluctance about not having any 'down' time so to speak. I hardly feel I can justify a complaint about not having enough time with the boys, at home or to myself when I consider the life events of those all around me. A large majority of my immediate circle are probably running on empty at this point as it is and most of them are just getting started! Course, I certainly have my own very welcome life changes to contend with, but I'm finding it less challenging and more rewarding as my control freak nature subsides and take the time to be introspective about behaviors, ideals and ego's in the process. A time of great change for us all.

Friday night we went to C's mom, had pizza, wine and ping pong. I really adore her, she's so sweet and nurturing. Very much the maternal unit. We all adore her, she's enjoyable to spend time with. She will play with Max more than any adult I know (except C when it comes to the whole video game aspect of 'play') and seems to genuinely enjoy him. C and I have this theory, when one gets older they have more capacity to truly appreciate children thus reminding us (primarily me) to also reflect on that appreciate and consider it's power in terms of the Little Man.

Saturday we all got up early and were quite productive. Spent the day shopping mostly, but for fun stuff. Bought two Vegetarian cook books for sooooper low prices, we were all happy about that. Max got some new comic books, I got a new fun stuff or me (clothes/jewelry/candles) and we all spent too much money but had lots of fun. Our refrigerator is now packed with lots of green, red, yellow wholesome goodness. I love it! C is an amazing cook, I've never met a dude that could cook so well. I'd like to blame him for the extra lbs., but can't really do so honestly, though it IS part of it. We eat A LOT of food, but it is all very healthy and I love the fact that C will explore a Vegetarian life style, another check on the 'Why I Love C' list.

Saturday night was Crys's going away party. C hung out with Little Man and drove me to and fro the festivities in order to avoid a ticket and I cut it loose with the girls. There was bowling, drinks, hanging out in the infamous 'Highlands Ranch Geeerageee' and time with Crys & Rhi that was sorely needed by all of us. As we were all sitting at dinner, I looked around and realized there were 3 things I would miss most as Crystal & Dane embark on their new lives together, Crystal, Dane and the diverse elements included in our fun together. I will not miss the guys in that group who have become increasingly creepy and uncomfortable to even be around, I guess my tolerance for certain sorts of behavior isn't quite as readily available as it once was. Not out of judgment, more out of a general respect for myself and those around me and my own choices. I look forward to a new dawning in the lives of my much beloved friends, our sweet Rhi is also considering a gigantic move I know she's holding off on any final decisions and moving forward with such things until Crys and Dane are safely in WA. I applaud her unselfish behavior in being available to Crys for any assistance she may need as the days go by.

Hats off to our sweet Sam who kindly and patiently cared for us silly girls as he always does, I sense a very real and genuine friendship between him, Rhi and Crys. I like it, friendships like that are empowering and affirming, however brief or brilliant they may be.

Sunday morning C came to my rescue and took me home to a wonderful meal, some snugglies and I spent the majority of the day on the couch with him and the Little Man. I am a spoiled rotten little brat and I am loving every minute of it. I'm not sure what drives him to be so gentle, patient, kind and loving toward me but he does so without question or hesitation. Not to just me either, all those in his life. His family, myself and my child, his dear friends....some day I will find a way to articulate my thoughts more effectively, until then I just say 'Thank You' alot and try to love him the best that I can, which sometimes is conveyed in strange and probably irritating ways, but he accepts my quirkiness too, so I am learning not to apologize for being a freak cuz some people love the Freak That Is Me:)

Hi, My Name Is Sarah & I Am A Sushi Addict....

I can't stop eating Sushi, some one might have to intervene. My spending on this little habit has increased significantly. I feel such enormous satisfaction when I pop a Californa or Dragon roll in my mouth I almost burst. It's a rush. I yearn for the sting of wasabi and salty brown goodness of soy sauce. It is my secret addiction and I cannot stop. I crave this food like a drug, I think about it a lot and feel guilty when I sneak around to buy it at lunch. I cannot afford it, but I keep doing it. I can't stop. Please help. I just ate my last Californa Roll for today and am already thinking about it again.

Help.

DING DING...Crystal Wins!!!

1) I believe that Unicorns are quite real and not merely the legends of myth.
True. I love them, they are gorgeous and I believe all 'mythical' animals are based on actual creature, of this earth or not, I don't know?

2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
True. Until my student advisor talked me out of it, ah well, it all worked out just fine.

3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
True. Everyone knows that, ha ha ha. Well not everyone, but all my girls

4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
True. But they got cut off. *sniff*

5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
False! I love animals and bats are kind of cute, but they freak me out. Irrational fear.

6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
True. I am the Mole Queen or Queen Mole, however you want to look at it:)

7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
True. Definately.

8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
True. Front man for Radiohead, I had a 'moment' with him you know????

9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
False! My first car was actaully a '79 Mazda GLC Hatchback running on 3 cyclinders thank you very much!

10) I love the ocean and all things related.
True. Of course, I am a squishy fishy water bear-er kind of momma!

11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.
True. I always wonder if one can label themselves as 'open minded' though, can you really declare yourself as something like that? I dunno, not really up to me I don't think, too many variables. We ALL think we are open minded, right?

8 Truths and 2 Lies About You

8 Truths and 2 Lies About You (let your readers guess which are the lies)

1) I believe that Unicorns are quite real and not merely the legends of myth.
2) I originally started out going to school to become a graphic artist.
3) I have a butterfly on my butt.
4) I once started growing dreadlocks.
5) I absolutely adore those sweet little creatures known as bats.
6) I've got a large rather ominous mole in my lower left back area.
7) I believe in past lives and souls and think that I am a old soul.
8) I fantasize about a skinny white boy from the UK named Thom Yorke.
9) My first car was an '84 VW Rabbit.
10) I love the ocean and all things related.
11) I am open minded but strong in personal opinion and passions.

Bathrooms are strange places. I never really thought about it until recently, I mean we go in there to do some pretty private stuff and a lot of the time there are other people in there with us. I guess we've just kind of learned to accept it, we live with billions of other people, we do not have the luxary of using The Little Girls room all alone any more, ever...at all. Period. Hrm?

Max used to follow me into the bathroom almost on cue when he was very small, he seemed curious about what I was doing in there and as most of you know...I have a pretty open door policy in my house...most doors stay open, most of the time. This became uncomfortable as he got older obviously, we both needed more privacy and it just occurrs naturally between boys and their Mom's. Plus, I've learned that budding young men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas. But it's not a big deal to me at all, if I really have to 'go' I'm gonna go and if he's with me in that situation, than so be it.

Same with C, I have no qualms about tinkling if he's shaving or something. Though, again...I've learned that most men don't really want to know about things like periods and shaving the legs and other umentionable areas ;-) *ggigle* I LOVE to mess with them, LOVE it! Silly boys, get grossed out pretty easily really. *ha*

I've used the bathroom a billion times with Crystal, Peck, Rhi and Kristen and Sandy and Kim and all my girls, even in some pretty nasty places. Once I had to stand in front of Kristen with a blanket on the side of the road. She wasn't holding it any more and we were on a long ass road trip in the middle of the night. Woops. Or the Ladies Room at The Deadbeat, yum...that's one of my favorites. Or The Church! HA HA, yuck...you have to be marginally intoxicated to go in there in the first place, if given a choice, I'd rather pee outside than in bathroom at the Deadbeat, but mostly we just go in there to socialize, check make up/hair and admire each others outfits or gossip. Sometimes it's a safety thing too...creepy guy alert, maybe your partying it up in a part of town that's known for being a little dingy...no biggy, common sense. It's true men, there's a reason why we go to the bathroom together, not to hard to figure out, ya know? :)

So, what's my point? Well, I mean really, when it boils down to it...I'm just not a very shy person over all. About some things yes, but not so much for the most part.

So, what's my next point? Well, if you are in a public restroom....say with someone you work with, and you don't know them very well at all and they are TALKING to you, through the stall...while your trying to pee and think about how to adequately and completely test the piece of code you just wrote so you can move onto the next task...it just seems a strange moment to have casual conversation to me.

If Crystal shouts 'Hey Sarah, I need some TP over here' or even something more personal...sure, I'll talk to her happily. If Max is calling for me through the house, I'll answer him...no big deal at all. If C needs to shave and there's only one bathroom, you do what you have to do, not a worry.

But this whole bathroom ettiquette at my work is really foreign to me. Where's the respect for personal space? Random Women A is going to holler at me through the bathroom stall or at me while she's on the toliet while I am trying to exit the restroom? I don't know you, what makes you think you can talk to me THROUGH the stall while I'm in disposed even if I didn't approach you with conversation? This is my private moment, why am I now responisble for upholding the standard social graces in the bathroom that are better suited for the lunch room or water cooler? Isn't it bad enough that I have to share this toliet with 20 other women?

Running around half naked (or completely in some cases) in front of very close friends and family seems very natural to me, using the bathroom with my girls...nah, whatever...next....BUT this thing at work is just totally off kilter to me. I think it boils down to this whole issue of respect and personal space/business. I've also noticed myself becoming increasingly irritable if someone is invading my physical space, say in the grocery store or something along those lines....

Maybes the living/working/breathing/driving/existing in close proximaty to thousands of people is getting to me? Maybe the cube walls and I are having issues? Maybe social standards have changed and I wasn't notified. Maybe I need a plant and a fish in my cube?

Maybe I'm just being too sensative? Maybe there's something wrong with me???? Nah, I'm pretty sure that no matter how ya slice it....yelling at a stranger through the bathroom stall door isn't really appropriate!

Calling all cube dwellers....

If you, like me, are a cube dweller...it is imperative that you take a moment to review this site:

http://www.cubefigures.com/home.html

Celibrate Solstice

Ancient Celts : Druids, the priestly/professional/diplomatic corps in Celtic countries, celebrated Alban Heruin ("Light of the Shore"). It was midway between the spring Equinox (Alban Eiler; "Light of the Earth") and the fall Equinox (Alban Elfed; "Light of the Water"). "This midsummer festival celebrates the apex of Light, sometimes symbolized in the crowning of the Oak King, God of the waxing year. At his crowning, the Oak King falls to his darker aspect, the Holly King, God of the waning year..." 13 The days following Alban Heruin form the waning part of the year because the days become shorter.

Anient China: Their summer solstice ceremony celebrated the earth, the feminine, and the yin forces. It complemented the winter solstice which celebrated the heavens, masculinity and yang forces.

Ancient Gaul: The Midsummer celebration was called Feast of Epona, named after a mare goddess who personified fertility, sovereignty and agriculture. She was portrayed as a woman riding a mare.

Ancient Germanic, Slav and Celtic tribes in Europe: Ancient Pagans celebrated Midsummer with bonfires. ''It was the night of fire festivals and of love magic, of love oracles and divination. It had to do with lovers and predictions, when pairs of lovers would jump through the luck-bringing flames...'' It was believed that the crops would grow as high as the couples were able to jump. Through the fire's power, ''...maidens would find out about their future husband, and spirits and demons were banished.'' Another function of bonfires was to generate sympathetic magic: giving a boost to the sun's energy so that it would remain potent throughout the rest of the growing season and guarantee a plentiful harvest.
Ancient Rome: The festival of Vestalia lasted from JUN-7 to JUN-15. It was held in honor of the Roman Goddess of the hearth, Vesta. Married women were able to enter the shrine of Vesta during the festival. At other times of the year, only the vestal virgins were permitted inside.

Ancient Sweden: A Midsummer tree was set up and decorated in each town. The villagers danced around it. Women and girls would customarily bathe in the local river. This was a magical ritual, intended to bring rain for the crops

Christian countries: After the conversion of Europe to Christianity, the feast day of St. John the Baptist was set as JUN-24. It "is one of the oldest feasts, if not the oldest feast, introduced into both the Greek and Latin liturgies to honour a saint." 16 Curiously, the feast is held on the alleged date of his birth. Other Christian saints' days are observed on the anniversary of their death. The Catholic Encyclopedia explains that St. John was "filled with the Holy Ghost even from his mother's womb...[thus his] birth...should be signalized as a day of triumph." 16 His feast day is offset a few days after the summer solstice, just as Christmas is fixed a few days after the winter solstice. 1 "Just as John was the forerunner to Jesus, midsummer forecasts the eventual arrival of" the winter solstice circa DEC-21.

Neopaganism: This is a group of religions which are attempted re-constructions of ancient Pagan religions. Of these, Wicca is the most common; it is loosely based partly on ancient Celtic beliefs and practices. Wiccans recognize eight seasonal days of celebration. Four are minor sabbats and occur at the two solstices and the two equinoxes. The other are major sabbats which happen approximately halfway between an equinox and solstice. The summer solstice sabbat is often called Midsummer or Litha. Wiccans may celebrate the sabbat on the evening before, at sunrise on the morning of the solstice, or at the exact time of the astronomical event. "Midsummer is the time when the sun reaches the peak of its power, the earth is green and holds the promise of a bountiful harvest. The Mother Goddess is viewed as heavily pregnant, and the God is at the apex of his manhood and is honored in his guise as the supreme sun."

Prehistoric Europe: Many remains of ancient stone structures can be found throughout Europe. Some date back many millennia BCE. Many appear to have religious/astronomical purposes; others are burial tombs. These structures were built before writing was developed. One can only speculate on the significance of the summer solstice to the builders. Perhaps the most famous of these structures is Stonehenge, a megalith monument on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire. It was built in three stages, between circa 3000 and 1500 BCE. "The circular bank and ditch, double circle of 'bluestones' (spotted dolerite), and circle of sarsen stones (some with white lintels), are concentric, and the main axis is aligned on the midsummer sunrise--an orientation that was probably for ritual rather than scientific purposes.4 Four "station stones" within the monument form a rectangle whose shorter side also points in the direction of the midsummer sunrise.

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Fear is a great motivator but Love is the best reason to act.
Ellen Conlee, June 20th, 2005

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Celebrate Gaia, drink from the waters and breath conscious breathe. Acknowledge your surroundings and focus your affections for one moment to the Great Mother, for she gives so much to us without a question.

Let this day mark the change in seasons and the encourage us to reflect on the changes within ourselves.

Blessed Be Brothers & Sisters ;-)
peace & love
slc

Weekend Wonders.....

a) If someone is cooking dinner in a large, bubbling pot and asks if you'd like a taste, blow on it a little before moving forward as to avoid a scalded tongue and throat.

b) More than 2 males in one room, by default, becomes a 'Pack.' This is dangerous if you are the only female, a little tired and marginally ill feeling. Be prepared for relentless ribbing, but otherwise enjoyable.

c) Again, by default, males seem to have a difficult time with the concept of putting things back in there respective 'place.' This is known as leaving a 'trail'...around the entire, freaking house. In conjunction, there also seems to be some confusion about what keeping the house 'tidy, neat or clean' really means. This is possibley due to the lack of attention span, propegated by hundreds of hours playing video games?

d) No matter how wonderful some one is, your best friend, your spouse, your child or perhaps a co-worker; some times you just cannot take even one more smart ass comment or the butt of their jokes and you have to let them know this gently, becuase it doesn't matter how rotten or irritating their 'jokes' might be if you let them have it after weeks of aggrivation, your going to get a blank stare accompanied with a 'Jeez, don't take it so personal.' huh? wha? ok, moving on.

e) Witnessing a first time mother with her child is an experience totally and completely filled with warmth and love, I am overcome thinking of it.

f) C really does respect and consider my choice to limit meat in my diet, yay C, you are so good!

g) It is very easy to get dehydrated in Colorado, it's like a sauna in our house right now. Maybe I will loose some weight?

h) Some days it's harder to get up and go to work than others, sometimes the idea of having to work forever seems overwhelming. I really could've slept all day. I think I'm getting a cold or something? Sometimes I feel like whining.

i) My son is really growing quickly, it often catches me off guard and am wondering how long it will be until he towers over me. Shortly I'm thinking. Oh yeah and I have to get the 'Paintball Party' plans started for his 13th Bday. He's pretty excited, I hope he doesn't come home again with 10,000 bruises covering his body from the paintballs, this upsets me greatly.

j) I really love my life right now, it's pretty amazing stuff. Thanks to Max for being a great little dude and to C for just being himself and being a wonderful part of our lives;-)

k) I painted my toes yesterday with Carin's nail polish, it made me happy to use it. Maybe I should more, I never want to use it cuz I don't want to 'waste' it, she's probably laughing at me about that.

l) People who are not family or close friends or even compatible roomates were not meant to live with only 3" walls seperating your existance, our neighbors officially hate us now. I'm really glad we are trying to move, they bug me. Kudos to C for handling them with grace and style, I wanted to cuss at them again.

m) Back to work, woo hoo.

Mer-creatures

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.

What Mythological Creature are you?

I wrote this for you in quiet sleep last night

I wrote this for you in quiet sleep last night
Wrote about how we met once before, in dreams of light

You had piercing blue eyes and skin the palest shade possible
Darling little giggles gurgling out of your mouth in gooey bubbles
Bestest baby bear ever and treasured moments we shared
You reach for me and rest your head over my heart

I wrote this for you in quiet sleep last night
Wrote about how we met once before, in dreams of light

A dark haired man with striking features, present and close to my side
Tranquil but animated, warm with expressions of how all would be fine
Someone of substance, and a will all your own, you were lucid and intense
You gave me a kiss and sat with me on the steps in comfortable silence

I wrote this for you in quiet sleep last night
Wrote about how we met once before, in dreams of light

I'm not sure exactly what you are, but you are almost always there
Pulsing and fluttering, colorless and formless, alien to others, familiar to me
Maybe some celestial angel fish, perhaps a tangible shape of my spirit or consciousness
It does not matter, you are everlasting and always welcome here

Since 4 PM Yesterday

Key:

MJLM = The sweetest, most thoughtful, gifted and just all around wonderful little man I've ever known
CSO = Typically very thoughtful, considerate, loving and kind Significant Other
JCat = Gato De Negro - Long Hair, Adult Female Known As Jessie
GCat = Gato De Negro - Short, Juvenile Female Known As Gaia

The following is an account of the events since I left my office in Thornton Colorado at approximately 4 PM Wednesday, May 11, 2005 until now, 8:15 AM, May 12, 2005:

• Drove home, encountered ridiculous traffic jam that nixed out the hour I allot myself to work out. Let the insanity begin.
  
  
• Made/ate dinner in a hurry as our attendance was requested at a Choir performance of one of our dear friends children.
  
  
• Rushing out the door it is clear that GCat has gone into heat within a matter of hours and is now behaving in that very primal ways in which our furry little buddies act when their bodies indicate it is time to procreate. Sigh.
  
  
• Drive to Choir performance, which coincidentally was at a beautiful Church downtown. However, Church's stir up a range of peculiar memories and thoughts and I'm feeling squeamish. Not to mention the pews are uncomfortable and we are all practically sitting on top of each other and MJLM & CSO are looking tired, slightly crusty and a little impatient, though they handled themselves swimmingly. I kept eyeballing them and smiling with pride at what good people they are for giving up their evening to honor someone else's hard work. The singing really was quite well done, teenagers these days...jeez!
  
  
• It is late and time to rush home to get MJML in the shower and into bed. Some lunatic women cuts me off and almost causes an accident. My son is in the car. She came really (REALLY) close, too close. I feel a moment of rage and envision chasing her down and beating her ass in the middle of the highway. CSO laughs at me as I slam on the accelerator and I act like a bratty child, but the moment passes and I return to my normal fairly well adjusted non-violent self. I still wanted to track her down and beat her ass though, my SON is in the car. argh. *breathes deep*
  
  
• Get home, attempt to get everyone settled for the night. MJ comes out of the shower with the GCat in tow talking about something, CSO is trying to describe and demonstrate the exciting things he is doing at work which I am interested in but I have to figure out MJML's soccer schedule for Fall, soon. All talking to me at once, all demanding my attention and my attention is clearly devoted to reading the soccer schedule for just...5 minutes, please. I do a fairly good job of redirecting everyone, but felt like I had let everyone down in the process because NO ONE got my attention that moment, except the soccer schedule.
  
  
• I am promptly fired from managing our Netflix account. This scene is quite humorous, though I bet CSO would beg to differ. The look on his face told me that he did not find it nearly as humorous as I did.
  
  
• Sit down for half an hour of a documentary and I fall asleep on the couch, wake up and munch some angel hair pasta and shrimp and nudge CSO to bed.
  
  
• Wake up late (again) CSO comes to greet me and it is nice, I like that. However, JCat has yacked all sorts of hairball goodness all over our computer chair. Adored by many, now with hairball juice saturating the seat. CSO is not happy. I am not happy. BAD MR. KITTY!
  
  
• Choice words are spoken, I have to get ready for work. Walk pass GCat, prancing about...ass up in the air, looking uncomfortable and confused. Again, sigh.
  
  
• After my shower, CSO meets me in the closet and gives me a warm hug and kiss as he is preparing to leave. JCat is flaunting about the bedroom seemingly proud of her hairball antics and I decide to put her out and let her hairball OUTSIDE. I am half naked, a small towel wrapped around me, semi wet from the shower and rather skittish cat in one hand while the other is being used to hold up the towel. Wet half naked human, skittish old very furry and Princess like cat. You do the math.
  
  
• As I go to put her out the door, CSO is holding the door open....JCat is feeling flighty at the very sight of the door and starts to squirm...my towel is falling. Water is dripping from my hair or something and I as I go to set her down JCat starts to wiggle like crazy and the entire incident turns into a fiasco. JCat basically jumped out of my hand, did a flippy thing and landed in a slightly compromising position. I shut the door quickly. All is silent for a moment.
  
  
• CSO looks at me like I am the ugliest, most degenerate person he's ever laid eyes on. CSO says to me, unpleasantly...'You didn't have to THROW her out the door. Damn' shaking his head and tsking me. I stomp off, last time I checked I am not some animal abuser and I feel offended by the comment. My heart belongs more with the creatures of this earth that are considered animals then human beings. I LOVE JCat, I didn't THROW her our the door, it all went down in one of those weird slow motion things....but now, I am a big meanie and yell from the bedroom 'Don't tell me how take care of my own cat.' Hisss. Hissssssssssssss.
  
  
• CSO leaves. Door shuts, no goodbye, no nothing. Just silence. GCat in the hall slithering around in some hormonal snake dance. *GAWD* I feel like screaming.
  
  
• Dress the rest of the way, go to do hair and make up and hear the onslaught of a cat fight ensuing from the kitchen. WTF? I JUST put that cat out! I come rushing to the kitchen, MJ standing there looking totally confused. 'What did you do?' I am almost yelling now, loudly....MJ says 'JCat was mewing and mewing so I let her in.' The two crabby cats are sitting their spitting and growling at each other and I feel just as crabby at this point. 'MJ! I just put JCat out. She has to be outside, she is hairballing everywhere!' MJ looks at me like I'm crazy and goes stomping off into his room to dress for school. I am now the most horrible mother in the world, an animal abuser and have been fired from my Netflix duties. Damn I suck!
  
  
• I finish preparing for work, Max walks out of his room dressed and clean and looking adorable and gives me a big hug. Silently starts to sweep up the kitty litter that spilled by accident when CSO cleaned the kitty poo poo box this morning and I feel like crying. MJ never stops loving me, no matter if I act crazy or loving or all the in betweens...he just keeps giving sweetly and generously, I have to be better at giving back. Sometimes I wonder how he landed in my lap, sometimes I think he deserves a lot more. I am the luckiest momma, that's for sure.
  
  
• I am walking out the door, trying to grab my lunch and figure out what I am missing in all the rush and chaos of the morning. MJLM smiles, hugs me again and wishes me a good day all the while trying to help me with me things. I think of the words CSO said in the closet "Think of all the good things in the world, all you have to look forward to." as his eyes glimmer at me genuinely and kisses me before the craziness of the morning began. I feel like crying again, because even though MJLM is growing exponentially and seems to change in some monumental way by the second AND CSO thinks I like to traumatize JCat just for fun AND money is tight, there is too much to do and not enough time and I didn't get to work out last night and I don't always know how to handle everything very well AND I am so freaking emotional sometimes and cry about EVERYTHING.....AND.....AND.....AND......
  
  
• Challenges always exist, but life is only as complex and difficult as you make it. All of us experience trying and difficult moments, but when life hands us beauty and softness, however fleeting, you have to experience that too. You have to allow it to exist and be for what it is. Just as much as the hardships, the quite gentle times teach us valuable lessons, lessons about breathe and warmth and things that make us squishy inside. Perspective.
  
  
• I am in a place in life I've never experienced before. I am loved, capable of great love and feel exceptionally positive and open to the possibilities of each new day. My mind and skills are moving in an exceptional direction. I am growing into the new phases of life and letting go of the old, just as much MJLM and CSO are...just as much as JCat and GCat. And all of us, in every moment...experiencing shifts and changes that help form and shape us into the beautiful spirits we become and already are. It doesn't always have to be hard, there doesn't always need to be a drama. Sometimes everything really is ok, even if the boys give me dirty looks and I'm not perfect and the weight of the world hurts my heart or had a bad day at work or GCat is squirming around like some freak. It really IS ok. Really.
  
  
• Poor GCat ;-(
  
  

Boooooooooooooooo!

Been kinda grumpy
Feelin' fat & dumpy

Hormones wildly flyin'
Tears I'm tired of cryin'

Definitely won't be singing the Thong Song
It's also wise to avoid looking at me wrong

While each month I am grateful
No matter how annoying or painful

And I don't think it's an excuse
To take it out on others or be a recluse

But still, the strange cravings persist and so does the need to blow of steam
Somebody please, just give me some freakin' peanut butter chocolate fudge ice cream!

Springtime Meets GreenMan

Should our nimble internal Crone become increasingly nervous?
Of outrighlty bold behavior of being deceitful and frivolous
No concern with lives of the Veiled or a First Born
Not an anxiety or fear seems to exist of immaterial scorn

And what of the divine spirit of all life?
Being crushed and extinguished with strife
It overwhelms and spills out in dismal streaks
Tears of grief flowing down our mother Gaia's cheeks

Perhaps it is the in between time of our communal travel?
The medium in which time and perceived realities unravel
Wrought with hostilities and intangible ambiguity
Lacking common respect or any notion of responsibility

And yet so clearly an opportunity for renewal and growth
A sacred cycle of demise and creation primed to spout forth
Like Springtime meets the GreenMan and balance is restored
Free to cultivate hope and sprout into flights unexplored

Love Out To The D-Man

The first time I met Dane was at The Deadbeat Club. Big surprise there, eh? I remember it *pretty* clearly, I was out on a girls night with a few friends of mine. Drinking, having way too much fun for my britches when to my surprise as I was heading to the Little Girls Room, there appears a much beloved Randall Turner who I'd not seen for too many moons at that point. I was so happy to see Randall, he gave me a big bear hug and insisted that I meet his friend Dane. When I saw Dane, first thing I thought was that he was mighty damn tall and *gasp* look at that beautiful hair! Dane bought a round of shots (I liked him already!) and actually danced with me. I was pleased to have met a man that could actually dance well ;-) Dane and Randall came back over to my place with the rest of the girls and we partied until wee hours of the morning...and then I didn't see him for quite some time after that.

Randall and I kept in better touch after that night and he inevitable said 'You MUST meet my friends Crystal & Peck!' Crys and I met and became instant friends, but did not get real close for a few months...there were many difficult events occurring in both of our lives, but mostly in hers and I felt it necessary to be 'there' but give her lots of space and flexibility. And then....we were able to spend more time together and after a time there appeared sweet Dane again and I was thrilled, because I thought of him as a sweet heart, based on my first impressions.

The rest is history as they say, yes! Many a fuzzy night spent out at the clubs, drinking and dancing. Walden, Halloweens (dude!), Thanksgivings, Bdays...allot of memories. Can you believe it's been something like 4 years now? Wowsers!

And in all of if, Dane has continued to stand tall ;-) And I don't just mean physically. My respect for Dane is far reaching, I find him to be a gentle and kind man...I love the way he loves one of my favorite girls ever. In my own selfish times of need, Dane has been a warm, consoling and trusted shoulder to cry on. And when I have shed the tears, he has always put his arms around me and comforted me in anyway he could. No matter whether he agreed or not...he has always been there if I needed him, in spite of any frustration he may have had with me or whatever the pending situation in which my tears may have resulted from. I know that if I call on him, he would be there.

I am not the only one either, I've seen him go to bat for more than just this female. He is protective of his 'girls' for certain. The closest I've ever seen him come to violence has only been as a result in coming to the defense of one of us crazy girls, even if we were out of line ;-)

And of course, we cannot forget the times he has spent with my son. Max adores Dane, truly...and I think Dane can understand Max in a way that I've not always known how. Luckily, Dane has given me some insights on being raised by a single mother and I have found them beneficial. Frankly, I've found that some of THE most wonderful men I've known have been raised by single mother's. I hate to make that sort of broad sweeping statement, but it is true from what I can see.

I can keep spouting out about how wonderful D is, but anyone who knows him aready knows that and he bottom line for me is that while Dane and I have certainly encountered trials in our friendship, I feel that we have a loving bond between us that has remained in spite (or perhaps becuase of?) of our differences and I am grateful for that. I know he will missed, not only by Max and I...but everyone in Colorado.

Best of luck to you D, I am so proud of you and I know you are going to do so great! We'll see ya sometime soon and remember you are loved as you are out there exploring the world:)

I am Yetti Hear Me Roar!

I've decided to make a list of words that make me giggle....in honor of Paula, I will start with Yetti!

Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti!

Somebody's Gettin' On My Nerves...

Now somebody's gettin' on my nerves, and I'm wrecked to get crazy
It never fails to amaze me
How people never miss a possip and just believe the gossip
Instead of finding out the truth of what's up
It's got my nostrils flairin'
I'd be a fool if I believe half of the dumb shit I be hearing....

----Forget that you're a lady, and give 'em what they deserve

Salt & Peppa
Very Necessary

****************************************************************

Last night C and I were recovering from a long and difficult day for both of us. Just kicking back, organizing music files, drinking some wine just hanging out, no harm, no foul.

The phone rings at 10:30 pm. Oh crap, that is usually NOT a good thing. It's my landlady, someone called to complain about the 'noise'. Excuse me? The NOISE?

I've lived at my apartment for 6 full years now and have never had a complaint, ever, not even once. I've had people over at all hours of the night, music bumpin' and having fun...but have never been disrespectful or had anything too crazy going on. WTF? My landlady even said 'Sarah, I've never had a problem with you.' And I told her I didn't know what was going on and of course apologized becuase it is crappy that she's got to deal with this sort of thing at all.

Argh, grr and all that. I am pissed. I then got all onery and C had to calm me down, I knew EXACTLY who had called her and I was going to go let them have it, that is such crap. You don't need to act like an ass and go and call my landlady. Why not simply knock on the door and ask me to turn the music down? Or leave it alone until the next day and leave me a note or come talk to me then? I can understand if you ask someone repeatedly and still have a problem, THEN you might call the landlady...but I've never even talked to these people. Some f*cking nerve, oooooohhhh, I'm still pissed. I was a little buzzed last night, so it's a good thing C was there to keep me in line, otherwise I'm might've done something to escalate the situation. I was all yelling through my closet at them, what a dork I am!

*blush*

Anyway, I understand their frustrations about the music. It may have been a little loud, but just suck it up and have some class why don't ya? How hard is it to go to your neighbor and say 'Howdy neighbor, can I getchya to turn that down a notch?' or 'Hey, I noticed your bass is thumping my headboard, maybe you could turn it down?' or even 'I'm trying to sleep, now be a good little neighbor and turn that shit down!' any of that would've been better then them bringing my landlady into it.

And let's not EVEN start on all the crap I've put up w/ while living there. We've had some real charachters in that place, but I've never complained about something as silly as the music being up too loud, I've never complained at all. It wasn't even that late! I can understand at 2 AM, sure...but it was like 10 PM....not that late and it wasn't THAT loud! Jeesh, the two guys that lived there before had all sorts of parties and people in and out and who knows what else going on over there, but never had a problem with them, they were good kids and they respected Max and I, in fact I always got the feeling that they were kinda trying to keep an eye on us.

I dunno, maybe I'm trying to justify my actions, but I still think they over reacted and I'm pretty irritated.

Had a bad day...

MJ left this morning for Outdoor Lab. For those of you who don't know, this is a rite of passage for Colorado Sixth Graders. He will be at the Mount Evans wilderness lab until Friday afternoon, with 90 of his closest friends learning survival skills, Colorado history, wildlife education, photography, archery...all sorts of wholesome goodness.

The children are separated into several bunk houses, by gender (thank goodness, raging hormones and all!) with a teen team leader and one teacher per bunk. That's 1 adult, 1/2 an adult and 20 something 11/12/13 years old running about. These teachers are braver souls than I, that's for sure.

He will be exhausted each night when he falls into his bunk, they run these kids ragged which I'm sure is mostly so they stay in line and sleep at night while they are up there. I attended Outdoor Lab in my Sixth Grade Year. I will never forget it, it was an excellent experience and one I am sure Max will revel in for years to come. In reflection, it was very much a 'turning point' for me personally. Going from a young girl to onset of being a young women, a time without my mother and no family members to parent me. A time to be with friends and feel like I was kind of 'on my own.'

I am sad today because of this. I am happy for my son, but my heart feels heavy. Probably because of my memories of Outdoor Lab and how it was indeed a pivotal event for me in my own young life. He is growing so quickly. It feels too fast. I feel like I am loosing him already and all in one blink of an eye. I think of all the things I could've done better and how I still have days where I bark at him for no reason or seem to have unrealistic expectations or am just plain impatient.

This reminds me that I do not have much time left with him as a child He certainly is no longer a little boy and much more the beginning stages of a man. I must use this time wisely, for both of us. I must remember each moment will not occur again, that his sweet face will grow more broad and will require a razor at some point. His trusting and loving eyes will be filled with angst and questions that I cannot answer for him, that only he can answer for himself. That there are some things I cannot protect him from, no matter how I wish that weren't so.

*sigh*

It does not help this this morning started out a little off color and I did not handle it very well. I wanted so badly to send him on his way in a very calm and loving manner and boom - you mix a misplaced set of keys, a long and exhausting weekend, running late and trying to get all his stuff in the car and make sure it's all there before he goes and you've got a slightly frazzled mother and a very anxious 12 year old boy. Poor little guy. I'm sorry, Max for what it's worth.

Then we get to the school and there are children milling around with excitement and getting ready to go and I'm waiting there with him to put him on the bus. I've forgotten that I am not longer the 'cool' Mom and not really allowed to be affectionate with him in public (i.e....his peer group) and wanted to give him a kiss and a hug and he pretty much resisted that idea. When I did go to hug him goodbye, he instantly stiffened up and seemed like he couldn't wait to get away from me. I felt a little put off and hurt, I know it's silly, he's a kid, they act like this. But he's going to be gone for a week and with the morning we'd had, I wanted to hug and kiss him until the moment he got on the bus.

So, I am feeling a little down today I guess. I've managed to upset, irritate, hurt or in some way screw up my interactions this morning with my most beloved men. I'm not perfect, I'm sorry, I'm just not.

The good news is that I finally got a project wrapped up at work, my first big one...finally OK'd by my supervisor. That's good right?