Springtime Meets GreenMan

Should our nimble internal Crone become increasingly nervous?
Of outrighlty bold behavior of being deceitful and frivolous
No concern with lives of the Veiled or a First Born
Not an anxiety or fear seems to exist of immaterial scorn

And what of the divine spirit of all life?
Being crushed and extinguished with strife
It overwhelms and spills out in dismal streaks
Tears of grief flowing down our mother Gaia's cheeks

Perhaps it is the in between time of our communal travel?
The medium in which time and perceived realities unravel
Wrought with hostilities and intangible ambiguity
Lacking common respect or any notion of responsibility

And yet so clearly an opportunity for renewal and growth
A sacred cycle of demise and creation primed to spout forth
Like Springtime meets the GreenMan and balance is restored
Free to cultivate hope and sprout into flights unexplored

Love Out To The D-Man

The first time I met Dane was at The Deadbeat Club. Big surprise there, eh? I remember it *pretty* clearly, I was out on a girls night with a few friends of mine. Drinking, having way too much fun for my britches when to my surprise as I was heading to the Little Girls Room, there appears a much beloved Randall Turner who I'd not seen for too many moons at that point. I was so happy to see Randall, he gave me a big bear hug and insisted that I meet his friend Dane. When I saw Dane, first thing I thought was that he was mighty damn tall and *gasp* look at that beautiful hair! Dane bought a round of shots (I liked him already!) and actually danced with me. I was pleased to have met a man that could actually dance well ;-) Dane and Randall came back over to my place with the rest of the girls and we partied until wee hours of the morning...and then I didn't see him for quite some time after that.

Randall and I kept in better touch after that night and he inevitable said 'You MUST meet my friends Crystal & Peck!' Crys and I met and became instant friends, but did not get real close for a few months...there were many difficult events occurring in both of our lives, but mostly in hers and I felt it necessary to be 'there' but give her lots of space and flexibility. And then....we were able to spend more time together and after a time there appeared sweet Dane again and I was thrilled, because I thought of him as a sweet heart, based on my first impressions.

The rest is history as they say, yes! Many a fuzzy night spent out at the clubs, drinking and dancing. Walden, Halloweens (dude!), Thanksgivings, Bdays...allot of memories. Can you believe it's been something like 4 years now? Wowsers!

And in all of if, Dane has continued to stand tall ;-) And I don't just mean physically. My respect for Dane is far reaching, I find him to be a gentle and kind man...I love the way he loves one of my favorite girls ever. In my own selfish times of need, Dane has been a warm, consoling and trusted shoulder to cry on. And when I have shed the tears, he has always put his arms around me and comforted me in anyway he could. No matter whether he agreed or not...he has always been there if I needed him, in spite of any frustration he may have had with me or whatever the pending situation in which my tears may have resulted from. I know that if I call on him, he would be there.

I am not the only one either, I've seen him go to bat for more than just this female. He is protective of his 'girls' for certain. The closest I've ever seen him come to violence has only been as a result in coming to the defense of one of us crazy girls, even if we were out of line ;-)

And of course, we cannot forget the times he has spent with my son. Max adores Dane, truly...and I think Dane can understand Max in a way that I've not always known how. Luckily, Dane has given me some insights on being raised by a single mother and I have found them beneficial. Frankly, I've found that some of THE most wonderful men I've known have been raised by single mother's. I hate to make that sort of broad sweeping statement, but it is true from what I can see.

I can keep spouting out about how wonderful D is, but anyone who knows him aready knows that and he bottom line for me is that while Dane and I have certainly encountered trials in our friendship, I feel that we have a loving bond between us that has remained in spite (or perhaps becuase of?) of our differences and I am grateful for that. I know he will missed, not only by Max and I...but everyone in Colorado.

Best of luck to you D, I am so proud of you and I know you are going to do so great! We'll see ya sometime soon and remember you are loved as you are out there exploring the world:)

I am Yetti Hear Me Roar!

I've decided to make a list of words that make me giggle....in honor of Paula, I will start with Yetti!

Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti! Yetti!

Somebody's Gettin' On My Nerves...

Now somebody's gettin' on my nerves, and I'm wrecked to get crazy
It never fails to amaze me
How people never miss a possip and just believe the gossip
Instead of finding out the truth of what's up
It's got my nostrils flairin'
I'd be a fool if I believe half of the dumb shit I be hearing....

----Forget that you're a lady, and give 'em what they deserve

Salt & Peppa
Very Necessary

****************************************************************

Last night C and I were recovering from a long and difficult day for both of us. Just kicking back, organizing music files, drinking some wine just hanging out, no harm, no foul.

The phone rings at 10:30 pm. Oh crap, that is usually NOT a good thing. It's my landlady, someone called to complain about the 'noise'. Excuse me? The NOISE?

I've lived at my apartment for 6 full years now and have never had a complaint, ever, not even once. I've had people over at all hours of the night, music bumpin' and having fun...but have never been disrespectful or had anything too crazy going on. WTF? My landlady even said 'Sarah, I've never had a problem with you.' And I told her I didn't know what was going on and of course apologized becuase it is crappy that she's got to deal with this sort of thing at all.

Argh, grr and all that. I am pissed. I then got all onery and C had to calm me down, I knew EXACTLY who had called her and I was going to go let them have it, that is such crap. You don't need to act like an ass and go and call my landlady. Why not simply knock on the door and ask me to turn the music down? Or leave it alone until the next day and leave me a note or come talk to me then? I can understand if you ask someone repeatedly and still have a problem, THEN you might call the landlady...but I've never even talked to these people. Some f*cking nerve, oooooohhhh, I'm still pissed. I was a little buzzed last night, so it's a good thing C was there to keep me in line, otherwise I'm might've done something to escalate the situation. I was all yelling through my closet at them, what a dork I am!

*blush*

Anyway, I understand their frustrations about the music. It may have been a little loud, but just suck it up and have some class why don't ya? How hard is it to go to your neighbor and say 'Howdy neighbor, can I getchya to turn that down a notch?' or 'Hey, I noticed your bass is thumping my headboard, maybe you could turn it down?' or even 'I'm trying to sleep, now be a good little neighbor and turn that shit down!' any of that would've been better then them bringing my landlady into it.

And let's not EVEN start on all the crap I've put up w/ while living there. We've had some real charachters in that place, but I've never complained about something as silly as the music being up too loud, I've never complained at all. It wasn't even that late! I can understand at 2 AM, sure...but it was like 10 PM....not that late and it wasn't THAT loud! Jeesh, the two guys that lived there before had all sorts of parties and people in and out and who knows what else going on over there, but never had a problem with them, they were good kids and they respected Max and I, in fact I always got the feeling that they were kinda trying to keep an eye on us.

I dunno, maybe I'm trying to justify my actions, but I still think they over reacted and I'm pretty irritated.

Had a bad day...

MJ left this morning for Outdoor Lab. For those of you who don't know, this is a rite of passage for Colorado Sixth Graders. He will be at the Mount Evans wilderness lab until Friday afternoon, with 90 of his closest friends learning survival skills, Colorado history, wildlife education, photography, archery...all sorts of wholesome goodness.

The children are separated into several bunk houses, by gender (thank goodness, raging hormones and all!) with a teen team leader and one teacher per bunk. That's 1 adult, 1/2 an adult and 20 something 11/12/13 years old running about. These teachers are braver souls than I, that's for sure.

He will be exhausted each night when he falls into his bunk, they run these kids ragged which I'm sure is mostly so they stay in line and sleep at night while they are up there. I attended Outdoor Lab in my Sixth Grade Year. I will never forget it, it was an excellent experience and one I am sure Max will revel in for years to come. In reflection, it was very much a 'turning point' for me personally. Going from a young girl to onset of being a young women, a time without my mother and no family members to parent me. A time to be with friends and feel like I was kind of 'on my own.'

I am sad today because of this. I am happy for my son, but my heart feels heavy. Probably because of my memories of Outdoor Lab and how it was indeed a pivotal event for me in my own young life. He is growing so quickly. It feels too fast. I feel like I am loosing him already and all in one blink of an eye. I think of all the things I could've done better and how I still have days where I bark at him for no reason or seem to have unrealistic expectations or am just plain impatient.

This reminds me that I do not have much time left with him as a child He certainly is no longer a little boy and much more the beginning stages of a man. I must use this time wisely, for both of us. I must remember each moment will not occur again, that his sweet face will grow more broad and will require a razor at some point. His trusting and loving eyes will be filled with angst and questions that I cannot answer for him, that only he can answer for himself. That there are some things I cannot protect him from, no matter how I wish that weren't so.

*sigh*

It does not help this this morning started out a little off color and I did not handle it very well. I wanted so badly to send him on his way in a very calm and loving manner and boom - you mix a misplaced set of keys, a long and exhausting weekend, running late and trying to get all his stuff in the car and make sure it's all there before he goes and you've got a slightly frazzled mother and a very anxious 12 year old boy. Poor little guy. I'm sorry, Max for what it's worth.

Then we get to the school and there are children milling around with excitement and getting ready to go and I'm waiting there with him to put him on the bus. I've forgotten that I am not longer the 'cool' Mom and not really allowed to be affectionate with him in public (i.e....his peer group) and wanted to give him a kiss and a hug and he pretty much resisted that idea. When I did go to hug him goodbye, he instantly stiffened up and seemed like he couldn't wait to get away from me. I felt a little put off and hurt, I know it's silly, he's a kid, they act like this. But he's going to be gone for a week and with the morning we'd had, I wanted to hug and kiss him until the moment he got on the bus.

So, I am feeling a little down today I guess. I've managed to upset, irritate, hurt or in some way screw up my interactions this morning with my most beloved men. I'm not perfect, I'm sorry, I'm just not.

The good news is that I finally got a project wrapped up at work, my first big one...finally OK'd by my supervisor. That's good right?

What The Hell Is Wrong With People?

I'm sorry, I have to rant for just one second. If I hear one more account of white, middle aged, right wing conservative MEN stepping all over legislation designed to empower WOMEN with something as simple as choice, I am going to loose it.

Case in point, Bill Owen's veto of House Bill 1042 which from what I understand is/was designed to mandate that ALL hospitals, even faith based owned & operated, to offer information and referral on how a women can access emergency contraception, specifically after a rape.

If a women is in the emergency room, completely traumatized, suffering the humiliation of a rape exam...what is so f*cking wrong with informing her of her options? That she may have the ability to prevent a pregnancy resulting from her rape?

A rape that will no doubt haunt her on some level for the remainder of her physical life (and I wonder if it leaves an imprint on your spirit in some manner and what that means after our physical body has died, but that's another topic) and that will no doubt have changed the very core of who she is...this guy is making the decision FOR HER....to deny her access to information that could be critical?

What the hell is wrong with people?

That Is A Really Good Point...

My GramE (Grandmother on Dad's side in my beloved Pacific Northwest) called me Sunday while it was blizzarding here in Colorado. I laughed when she said 'Well, honey, I saw the weather and this means you are probably at home and I just had to give it a shot.' She likes to tease me about how busy I am and how she has to hunt me down sometimes.

It was a wonderful vocal visit and I felt my normal rosy glow after talking with her, what a kind and beautiful soul. I've never known anyone like her before and know that I never will.

We were discussing this and that and catching up and she asked about my new job. I said, 'I'm adjusting to life NOT being so crazy every day that I want to pull my hair out. ' That's a pretty sad answer I guess, we do get used to insanity don't we?

I am so used to people screaming at me every day and dealing with crisis that now that I am not surrounded by that madness, I find myself kind of looking around me and blinking big *blink* *blinks*...like, wow...is this real?

It's almost to good to be true. Great job, wonderful kid, I am loved and nurtured beyond belief...food, water, half a brain in my head, place to sleep...what a deal!

Then my GramE said, 'Honey, remember...this too shall pass' and I thought wow, that is a really good point. Understand that this women has got to be one of THE least negative individuals I know, so it wasn't as if she was attempting to bring me down or in any way poo poo on my parade. She was simply pointing out a very realistic and true reality of human life.

There are great peaks and valleys in each of our lives. We face periods of grief and pain and difficulty and equally ones of great joy, pleasure and ease. At every turn, presented with opportunities AND challenges and we have the choice to embrace each with enthusiasm and strength or stumble through and reach levels of detrimental stress.

Each moment passes by us quicker than the one before and regardless of the content of that moment, it is up to live it to it's fullest potential, because this too...shall pass.

Wise words from a wise women, I love you GramE.

Big fat squishy tears...

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
~ Kahlil Gibran-The Prophet

Using a phrase like "I will miss you" doesn't do my emotions justice because they range from pure and total joy for you both and huge drippy selfish tears that keep burning my eyes. But the fact remains that I WILL miss you both, terribly. We have been through allot, have we not? Ranging from some pretty rough times to some of the most carefree and warm moments of my life time.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me and my son. Thank you for every night we fell down laughing our asses off or sat on the front step in deep discussion. Thank you for bringing Chance into my life, he has brightened it considerably. Thank you for every time you took care of me and allowed me to act like a silly teenager, let me...let loose and know that I was safe. Thank you for going many miles out of your way to come to my home and hang out. Thank you for your words and ever open arms. Thank you for listening. Thank you for dancing with me. Thank you for being in our lives.

I wish you both the best of luck and do not forget the blonde ones will be out to visit, you couldn't have chose a better location!!!!!!

Another Day...

Another day in which I am blessed with the graces of you
Another day in which I tremble with experiences anew

Many days before dismissed, only the ones I do not miss
Many days before but a simple annoyance compared to this

Tomorrow not so much the focus as it may seem
Tomorrow not so much the light from where I might beam

It is in this moment where this dawn may exist
It is in this moment where it is lucid and I cannot resist

If it were just one more second we are fortunate and love we emit
If it were just one more second, I wouldn't hesitate one single bit

Tuesday Is Tuesday

1) I am, it seems, on the sh*t list of the oh so venerated Goddess of Technology today.
I am s sorry dear one for any way in which I may have offended thee, I repent, I repent!

2) Would you rather do the right thing for the wrong reason - or - the wrong thing for the right reason?
My first reaction was "wrong thing, right reason" as in the end justify the means...and then I realized that one could argue basically the same logic for "right reason, wrong thing" and THEN it occurred to me that this one of those hypothetical questions designed to travel in loops and thus...an ethical/moral/logical nightmare..(logical fallacy if you CM)

3) Working in that hell-hole was like being in the most horribly abusive relationship and I've escaped, once again. YAY ME!
Every day I wake up and don't have to go to TNT Sales feels like a rebirth. Every day that I don't feel opressed, unappreciated, abused and disrespected my heart swells larger and eyes gleam brighter. My big toothy smile has made an appearance more in the past 2.5 weeks than it has in years, life feels better and the LACK of stress from 40 hours a week has allowed me to reiterate the positivity in my life in all directions.

4) If the people in my life get any more wonderful, I might burst into a million bubbles.
I don't know where they came from or why exactly they are here, but good gracious am I a lucky damn women.

5) Rumble young man, rumble.
What might happen if the world focused a mere percentage of it's collective energy on creating global change? What might happened if we started with ourselves first? What do I do with "it"? How do "I" start today?

As If...

As if I didn't already have an inordinate amount of rage and frustration with the man that was somehow re-elected as the president of our country and uses words like evil-doer (ok Batman) and strategery (sigh), I am once again disgusted at the behavior of an individual who clearly holds no conscience or even one ounce of integrity.

How DARE he use the Schiavo case as a diversion, a freaking DIVERSION from the realities of our current political environment. How DARE he purposefully stick his damn nose in the business of this poor family who have already been through enough? Publically! AND THEN...endorses legislation that he's not done much more than blink his big blank eyes at in the past, all just so he can jump on the "Save Terri" band-wagon and toot toot his greedy, conservative, ridiculously wealthy, selfish, republican horn?

How could Mr. Schiavo possibly fight the President of the United States for cripes sake, I mean the guy doesn't even have a chance and even worse you've got a primarily Republican House which would dare not disagree with such a man as George W. Bush. What does this mean? If this can happen now; the man responsible for running this country can step directly into the life of one family and force the government to make decisions for said family, what's next? I'm sorry but this makes me nervous. What about all this Baseball crap? Or the justification of theft from our Social Security system to supplement the 150 Billion dollars we've spent already to hunt down Bin Laden and find WMD???

I've heard this statistic several times now, 63% of all the people who voted for GWB during this last election actually THOUGHT we found WMD in Iraq? Seriously, I'm not joking. I hate throwing out statistics cuz most of them seem fishy to me, but either way...this number concerns me. Truly. Because if it IS true, then no one is paying attention!!! NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION! Many things have unnerved me about our current political world and I've been angry and outraged just like everyone else...but this is totally ridiculous. Tears burn my eyes, it is so blatantly obvious what is going on, I mean BLATANT and your certainly not going to turn on NBC tonight and hear about it. It just doesn't feel right, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

And another day passes where Mr. Schiavo is being forced to continue to relive the same fight over and over and over while GW uses this to his own personal advantage and all the while that women's dignity is being compromised by others.

A new low, even for GWB.

Release The Beast

Heart beating too hard
Blood boiling too hot
Stomach tied too tight
Chest fighting just to breathe
Body begging to release this beast

Cold roar of a tempers flaring and fists flailing
Arduous rage of ridicule and self-appointed righteousness
Stinging bite of bold disrespect and disregard
Offensive odor of assumptions and judgments
Spirit screaming to release this beast

Those who bruised my skin and attempted to crush my power
Those that stole my virtue without an ounce of remorse
Those barking unrealistic demands and labeled me difficult
Those with condescending comments about my choices
Those whom claimed friendship only to gossip behind my back

Shame on you
I choose to release this beast

Because my bruises have healed and I am empowered
Because my worth is not founded on what others took
Because my loved ones welcome the challenge of my enthusiasm
Because my choices are my choices and I have not sinned
Because my love for others is not hindered by pettiness

Less my shame
I choose to release this beast

Butt-crack....

Amazing how one comment can really get your contemplative juices flowing.

A simple and rather humorous (but damn honest) comment about my rear end has got my mind spinning with the concept of how we perceive each other. How do the events, actions, comments, interactions, etc...form our perceptions of one another? Is ones first impression bound to follow one throughout the duration of an interaction or relationship? Are things like a blemish or 5 O'Clock shadow or shrill laughter or some other sort of physical dynamic THAT imperative in how we judge (eek - there's that word again) one another?

I shudder at the thought that my butt-crack will be the only thing that stands out about me to this person. That some cartoon-like imagery will arise in his mind when he thinks about a certain cheeky-smiling women with clearly more going on than some ass-cleavage. No matter how lovely said ass might be...adorned by my favorite Butterfly and what not...I guess I just always thought this was not the sort of thing one might comment on in reference to how one might "remember" another person...or "think" of another.

I do not take this sort of thing personal, often when individuals make gestures of this sort...the intent is not negative or even conscious and usually has more to do with something within themselves rather than the person they may projecting said comment on. It is more of an example to me, we run into this sort of thing every day after all, constant messages about others perceptions of us...what we should be maybe more than what we are? When in all reality, who we are already are constantly morphing and that very process of morphing is gorgeous. I think it is also that I am taken back about how much this simple little comment has prompted my own internal thoughts about human interactions, judgments, perceptions, etc. AND...maybe I am a little unnerved that apparently, we still haven't moved past the point of thinking of others in such ridiculous physical terms.

Is there not beauty in all of us? Is it THAT hard to focus on the eclectic, positive and wonderful gifts each of us has to offer each other? I mean how hard is that? And if we MUST be so focused (ugh) on the CONCEPT of external beauty....well what is the harm in accepting everyone's unique beauty in that sense as well? Does it hurt anyone?Sigh.

One mans plumbers butt is another mans beautiful ass cleavage if you ask me.

Fill In The ________________

Fill In The_________
• I am not: As afraid as I once was.
• I hurt: Because I simply do not understand.
• I love: The gift that is this life.
• I hate: I have strong dislike but feel the concept of true hate is completely and totally destructive.
• I fear: Much less than I once did.
• I hope: Much more than I once did.
• I hear: The voices of our elders.
• I crave: The Ocean & Sunlight.
• I regret: MJ's younger years.
• I cry: Easily and often.
• I care: Sometimes until it is painful.
• I always: Try to embrace a Universal Perspective.
• I long to: Do, give, be...more.
• I feel alone: All of the time and none of the time.
• I listen: To the songs of our hearts.
• I hide: When I am needy, confused, frustrated or overwhelmed.
• I drive: Because it is pretty damn fun.
• I sing: Constantly.
• I dance: As much as possible, I like to wiggle:)
• I write: Every day.
• I breathe: Conscious breathe.
• I play: In every possible way, feverishly.
• I miss: Carin, my father, my innocence.
• I feel: Everything.
• I know: That I am constantly growing.
• I say: I love you.
• I search: For further understanding, knowledge and information.
• I learn: Every single moment.
• I succeed: When I am supported, nurtured and empowered.
• I fail: When I feel suppressed, oppressed, forced.
• I dream: Intensely.
• I sleep: In strange patterns.
• I wonder: At everything.
• I want: To learn more.
• I worry: About our children, our Earth, our lack of tolerance.
• I have: Everything I could possibly need.
• I give: Freely of myself.
• I fight: For that which I feel strongly about.
• I wait: For a reason to be silly, I usually don't wait too long.
• I need: More patience and forgiveness for myself.
• I am: A strong, worthy, beautiful, intuitive, loving, generous, dynamic female.
• I think: Integrity is an amazing force.
• I can't help the fact that: I have made mistakes in the past that have affected others.
• I stay: As grounded as possible.
• I find: That I am constantly reminded of how fortunate I am.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes....Turn & Face The Stranger

David Bowie. Guy is a genius and I'm not sure he's revered as much as he ought to be. What an amazing man, unwavering in his experimentation, openly ambiguous in his sexuality, testing societal standards of his time to n'th degree, growing and evolving right before our eyes, married a beautiful African-American female and created lovely little children with her, continuously challenging the concept of "traditional" art at age 55 (or something) and is still damn sexy if you ask me. An exceptional example of the growth and development of the human heart and mind.

His song "Changes" hums along in my mind often. More so at times like these in my own personal life. It is so prevalent, so obvious, so lovely. Every single one of us forever surrounded by change, a constant source of immaculate evolution and a constant in our births and re-births.

Instinctually we must all sense the changes as enormous shifts occur in ourselves, our loved ones and associates, our respective environments. Ethereally, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, culturally and all the ways in which we are personally touched since we can recall a singular conscious thought. Some more attuned and proactive in such shifts, some comfortabley accepting, embracing and riding the waves; and still others fighting the current in desperate need to master things that are so out of our immediate concept of "control."

I am totally mesmorized as I witness how each individual in my life fashions his or her own "change." Indeed, how I happen to manage my own. I am utterly overcome by the passion, emotion and dilligence in which each one of our unique personalities maintain, embrace or force The Change.

A child's personal and physical growth.
The earth's message and visible dynamic.
A lovers gaze, lost or found.
The newness of day to day opportunities.
A move to lands unfamiliar.
The gift of life in it's truest form.
A marriage, a union, a foundation built.
The formations of tragedy and resistance.
A clairvoyent word, a movement, a thought in the direction of progression.
The unfamiliarity of adversity and challenge.
A touch, a smell, a sound, awakening of physical senses.
The ache of broken hearts and bodies.
A stirring in spirit, in mind, in resilliance.
The inertia of The Change.

Fair Mother

How you must mourn in all that you see
Weary in ancient wisdoms
Acheful in acknowledgements
Tearful in tired tyrannies

Possibley innocent and then led astray
His body succumbed to desperate disarray
This man's mind forcefully faltering
Her son's soul wildly wallowing

Land wholly and bitterly lost
Climates altered, no matter the cost
Not one single notion of guilt
Our blue sea's and celestial silt

Elected officials of powers that deceive
Insolent and unwilling to perceive
Callous in horrible, evident intent
Inbred and predisposed to dissent

How you must rejoice in all that you conceive
Sanctity in savory spirit
Power in peaceful pleasure
Love in light you illuminate

Calling the cleansing of cyclical rhythm
Like that of your beautiful goddess children
Incandescent lunar motion
Purely elating it's emotion

Invoking expressions of some lone tree
Singing out and belonging to all that is free
Depthful oceans and eminent mountains
Thespian roles in massive fountains

Prompting love to find one another
Reminding us to identify with our brother
Giving and receiving a genuine touch
Your lenient whisper reminds us of such

Balance is the breath that insights us to dream
Of Mother Earth's ability to tolerate and believe
In all of our wrong doings and collective choices
She is supporting us in our amazingly strong voices

It is unbarable for me, mother to mother, to accept
How it is we can be so dark and bereft
Of the immaculate surroundings in our every step

For she is not impatient or inhuman in our progression
Only diligently overseeing the essence of our succession
And with this selfless favor we cannot overlook
The very honor we must bestow to all that which is written in her book

Monday Morning Mellay

It seems like forever since I last blogged, I've missed it tremendously.

It's inventory time here in TNT-Land, and for anyone who has ever experienced the hell that is inventory, I know you will sympathize. We've also been expected to do twice the work with half the people as last year AND in half the time as years past, so needless to say there are some cranky and totally fried out folks walking about. Everyone has that crusty zombie look on their face.

I enjoy the physical part very much, doing something different than sitting on my rear all day is a nice break from the motonony. Coming home and my body knowing a day of hard physical labor is very satisfying and I've slept excetionally well this past week, which is wonderful. I LOVE sleeping like that, it is so rejuvinating. I'm awed by those who can simply will themselves into that sort of sleep, in almost any situation. If I could have super-powers, being able to fall asleep soundly at any given point and in any environment would be one of them. Can you imagine the power nap potential there? Sign me up brother!

I am slightly burned out and frustrated (as usual) with my "superiors." Ha - that's what they think. If there was any doubt before in my mind at all, I am now quite certain that my boss/bosses are completely soul-less, selfish, greedy, back-stabbing, sexist pigs. They never cease to amaze me with their ability to be manipulative jerks, to everyone, their own wives! I plan to include this description in my resignation letter. I truly worry about what might happen to them becuase karma is a freaking b*tch, how can they not see this? I mean, you CAN'T be this nasty and awful to others without some sort of repercussion, at some point - right?

Ok, I'm done with that subject. I'm tired of hearing myself cry about it as I am certain everyone is in my life is tired of hearing me cry about it. Plus, I've learned ALOT about working with "difficult" personalities...if I can work here, I can work almost anywhere!

Weekend was pretty good, other than the having to work Saturday part. But it is ok, I can use the over time. Had Sushi and Sake (huge portions!) and later got a flat tire Saturday night. Thank goodness C was with me, as pathetic as it is I do not know how to change a tire. I felt like an idiot and I was all silly and upset over it. He handled the situation (and my drama) beautifully and all was well. After the tire incident, we were ready for some chill time and the rest of the weekend was spent with much warmth and enjoyable quiet time - I am still feeling warm today:-P

Much more to write, but I must be off to work. Data entry city.

Guilt & Inadequacies...yup

I'm not sure I even know why
Why I've been given this gift
So much I cannot understand
Even more for which I do not feel deserving

Made mistakes and erred often
Taken when I should've given
Wronged when I should've righted
Cried when I should've laughed
Raged when I should've loved

I should be more.
A better mother, women, spirit, friend,
daughter, sister, grand-daughter, neice,
lover, partner, giver, receiver, activist,
optimist, realist, macro thinker,
micro thinker, child of peace, student of earth.

I should be more spiritual.
Gain more knowledge, consume less, more indepandant, less vulnerable.
Minimal emotion, more logic.
Pick a side of the fence instead of the forever gray area?
Care for my body, heart, mind, soul.
Embrace more magic and state of mind.

Not strong, smart, or honest enough.
More integrity, naive little child.
Drug addict, poverty stricken welfare recipeint.
Not pretty enough, thin enough, nurturing enough.
Lazy days and no energy.
Not living my passion in my job, in life education.
I'm not living up to my potential.

These voices argue with guilt and thoughts of inadequacies.
They tell me I've done wrong.
That I owe them, I've gone astray.
I should be more of this and less of that.
I am simply not enough.

I've forced some of this unto myself, it's true.
My own worst enemy. Harsher on my own heart than any other.
What a cliche. I know why I do it. Now tell me why you do it.
Even more, some outsiders have tried to force this unto me.
They see that I am, but an open book.
Where every symbol of my self-development and growth and identity,
Become topic for gossipy discussion and attempts at manipulation.
Comical that I now scoff at this sort of attempt and judgements.

Not because I am not open to growth or the wisdom of others or myself.
Not becuase I do not see the value of accepting all perspectives.
Allowing the patience, space, tolerance and love I wish for us all.
Not because I do not appreciate all that I have been given, in flesh and in vital force.
No, it is not because I am NOT open.

It is becuase, through experience I have come to find a place.
A place in which I've found self-worth.
Fine line between self-worth and ego. Careful now.
Bigger difference between self-worth and arrogance. Ugh, none of want to think we are arrogant?
Huge difference between self-worth and becoming condescending of others in that conciousness.
I pray the Universe gently whispers to me should I cross the line.

So easy to fall victim, to ourselves and society.
To succomb to guilt and inadequacies.
You should be more to me and I more to you.
And if you are not, I will guilt you into submission.
And if I am not enough for me, I will analyze until I am more.
More. More pain. Less forgiveness. More torture.

I'm not sure I even know why.
It is that I've found this blessed place.
Where, in spite of my human fault, I am perfect.
Perfect in every way, in where I should be.
Just as you are. Just as we all are.
At this very moment. In simplicity. In infinity.
Within omnipresence and magnanimous design.
Designed by a bigger "big" than us, you OR me.
And I know that we will love and be loved.
Why is this so hard to see?

Dire Reflections

What of that man on the street
Broken down as he deflects our frown
Hard miles under his feet
Ever the jester of this no name town
Hollowed darkness in his eyes
Wild and untamed
Glossed over with tears and lies
Benumbed and unclaimed

Casually glancing in his direction
An uncomfortable moment
Breeding forever the misconception
Our rejection so fluent
A small part of us hopes he will just go away
Our ignorance of this is pursuant
Casting off yet another unwanted stray
As we ignore him the filthy truant

Hardships of a stomachs growling
Remember the pain of too much hunger
Attacking winds harsh and howling
Mental state broken asunder
Memories of wounds that would not heal
Justify the need to plunder
Shame in forced hands that will surely steal
To stay sheltered and fed in the gutter down under

We ignore the disgrace he must suffer
As we harden our hearts to reality
Relieved for once a sociological buffer
As we perpetuate the unfeeling brutality
Not even a thought for the worry of his mother
Who was absent of her inherited morality
Or ever the ache within the heart of his brother
Ever revealing the sacred finality

Surely, he must hold some accountability
Recognizing his faults and past deviant dealings
Identifying the need for the illusion of stability
But it matters not when it comes to his feelings
To never know the comfort of love unconditional
And to pay too much a night for a room with a ceiling
For a solution we consider traditional

And some how still with the dollars upon dollars
That we pour unto the wars
Of egotistical martyrs
We find no solution to our uncaring plan
There are no obvious answers
For the quandaries of this man
That he may starve and die
In this system we apply
In the excessively diseased wealth of his very own land

None of us truly know how to respond
Some realize his existence and are compelled into action
But others just laugh and move right along
Some find comfort in complacency and give but a fraction
They blame his appearance and the broken down box near the wall
Where he suffers at night from apathetic inaction
Never thinking for once that he could very well be
In places too dark where frightened he crawls
With his unshaven face and his earned felony...

...The simple yet harsh reflection of us all

Going At It Again...

A little background....
I wrote this during a time of great suffering and equally great healing. I realize it is a bit harsh and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I actually have a rought draft of it recorded somewhere, I worked on this song with a friend of mine for over a year, but it never quite got "there." Maybe it wasn't supposed to?

I lost my father when I was very young, he died 2 days after my 8th birthday and my mother told me about it the day after my birthday party. My step-mother (ugh) blamed my mother and me for his death, there was huge drama in the family over this as you can imagine. I was not allowed to attend his funeral. His passing was not spoken of often in my family, it is an element I feel overshadowed much of my young life. I felt guilted into silence and introversion regarding this topic.

I do not blame my mother, she had way too much to deal with as it was in regards to her relationship with him, not to mention trying to raise a pretty mixed up little girl on her own. Though I will not lie, I went through a period of enormous anger with her becuz of this very issue. But with time and a lot of painful discussion, I have learned more about the situation and hold nothing but respect for her, even on the days when I am still angry. I thank her for her honesty and attribute much of who I am today to her refusal to be unconventional in raising me.

At the point when I wrote this, I was mourning. Not only becuase I felt the loss of not having a father in my life growing up, but the memories I have of my biological father are exceptionally painful and life altering. His impact on me is forever a part of me, but I choose not to allow it to be a negative. Though it took me some time to work all of that out. Unfortunately, he was an abusive and dark individual, he was sick and very willingly inflicted his sickness unto others. I am still mourning in some ways, when I see my girlfriends with their fathers - to be loved by someone THAT unconditionally! When I think of my sons relationship with his father, when I witness so much in our culture around parenthood I do not understand, when I worry about our children. The cycle IS still being propegated and it saddens me tremendously. But, in spite of all of this...I have love and forgiveness for the man that is my father and truly hope that he has found peace wherever his soul has landed. I worry about it, wondering if his karma from this life may have caught up with him in some other life. I truly hope not. I hope that it is understood that he is not tied to us in a negative way, the our hearts hold love for him. I pray the Universe is forgiving and nurturing him through his own period of healing.

There you go again, your sorry
Moving me carelessly through your emotions
Always with such disregard, “Don’t worry baby girl, you’ll get there in time”
Until then shelved for another convenient day
Maybe then you would allow me to know who you are

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

There I go again, I’m sorry
Speaking out of my turn and walking out of my line
I guess I should’ve remembered my place
How could I even possibly defy you,
Your own cryptic design?
Didn’t I already know the eager consequence?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Here we are again, don’t apologize
Please just don’t do it again
I can’t bare another moment of rage
I wonder at your loyalty
Declarations of fact and relentless doubting
That I could be valid or contain a single wisdom
Action negates your insistent speeches
How to medicate these injuries?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Stop wondering if I’ll ever be saved
Stop worrying about me when I just couldn’t behave
Stop willing me to allow your diagnosis
Come on now you bastard, I’m begging you to give me some space

I’ve got no reasons to wonder why, you never even gave me the chance to say goodbye