Max's Graduation

What a wonderful event, so proud of the man child.  He hated every minute of it and claimed only to do it for me, but even I saw him swell with pride when he walked.  He did it, could we be any prouder of the boy?  I think I am still in shock, this seems to represent something, a milestone in his growth?  Or mine?  I'm not sure.  Regardless, he's most def growing into the most amazing human being and I'm so very impressed and proud.  I'd love him no matter what, but knowing that he stuck it out, even on the days it felt like torture, makes me smile.

He did it!

So very proud of the boy, he’s officially graduated from HS.  Let the festivities and congratulations begin!

It was a bit bumpy getting things rolling after the Wyoming stint, but he’s done it.  AND he has a J.O.B.  Proof positive that mom worries really do nothing for the ultimate outcome, all is well and will be well.  Things have to move at their own pace, which is not dictated by mommy wants and desires – but by child’s ability to navigate through his own life and learn about his own path, one wobbly step at a time.  Insert toddler analogy here.

I read something the other day about a parent’s job being teaching your children HOW to think, not WHAT to think.  If this came with the parenthood manual, all of our children would turn out totally well adjusted and capable, right?  Doubtful, but it’s a start.

Good job Max, you make my heart swell with love and my soul smile.   I know that whatever you choose to do with your energies will be full of experiences instrumental in your growth and I’ll be there, near or far, in your heart.

The Wild Things Survive

Maurice Sendak passed away, many tearful eyes today I am certain of that.  So many memories of reading “Where The Wild Things Are” to MY Max and listening to him giggle with delight and want to read it over and over and over.  I always threatened to send him to bed with no dinner as a joke, to which he would reply “Mommmm!  I’m not afraid of the monsters!”

I also recall "Higglety Pigglety Pop!" from my own childhood with enough clarity that I recall similar giggles of delight when reading it.

Let the wild rumpus begin!

You will be missed kind sir, thank you for revolutionizing children’s literature and bringing many giggles and delight to generations past and to come!

She’s Back, Yes She’s Back

Woof!  It’s been MORE than a year since my last post and how life can change in the span of one year.  I’ve been feeling inspired to write recently, to jump back on the horse, but have wavered.  Unsure of why, I began reading through some of my old posts and wowzers – I think there’s just SO much history here that it’s difficult to know what to let go, where to start anew and what’s the purpose of this for me personally?  One post that really drew my attention was my 2011 goals and dare I say – I somehow managed to accomplish many of them, unintentionally through lifestyle choices that I think naturally progress into many of the area’s I was so desperately looking to fill up and heal, but was struggling (quite desperately I might add) to achieve.

In order to jump up on this horse and ride, it makes the most sense to attempt a brief recap of this past year.   Partly, because there have been a number of milestones that have occurred that have landed me where I am today.  Let’s see how “brief” I can actually make it:

Me and my shadow
I am compelled to begin with a little back story.   I won’t go into all the disgusting details, but I made the  choice to completely exclude alcohol from my life in June 2011.  I took the steps necessary to change my life, sought help where I needed it and I have not had a drop to drink since.  I will celebrate my one year on 06/13/2012 and I have to say, it truly is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  It was a challenge at first, it takes time to cleanse and learn a new way to live.  Now, I can’t imagine living any other way.  I take a moment each day to acknowledge my accomplishment, feel good about the work I am doing and remain in gratitude to my higher power, which I believe, has saved my life.  No matter how you slice it, I have the “family disease” and it would be very easy to head down that path without some intervention, even though I know better, my biology was/is stronger than any logic.  I needed the tools to retrain my brain, heart and spirit. 

As a result, life over all has improved dramatically.  My energy, my relationships, clarity in mind and spirit, overall the improvement is so monumental I really can’t describe it any other way but to say it is like a rebirth.  I still struggle with the anxiety and depression.  Now though, I am able to actually let the anti-anxiety meds help me out the way they are intended to and overall, it is much more manageable than it ever was.  Every day I stay conscious of doing the right thing for me is a day I will live and grow, instead of dying and decaying slowly.

I’m still horribly addicted to caffeine, nicotine and food.    *shrug*  One thing at a time.

Over all, my health has also improved.   The tooth fairy did rain some hell down upon me a few months ago that forced me into action.  Not an ideal scenario – but I take that day by day and am thankful to have health insurance that actually covers my needs, and NOT be in pain every day, suffering.   Kidneys are in much better shape over all of course (OF COURSE RIGHT?) and in general, I get sick a lot less and when I do, it’s more like a cold and typically doesn’t turn into an sinus/ear infection.  Thank goodness for yanking  those tonsil, eh?  Well, that’s part of the equation anyway.

The Family
Max has been home for a while now and we’ve had some spurts and sputters along the way, but he’s gaining momentum in recent months.   He’s almost done with HS and is working part time doing landscaping, he seems to love it.  I’m very, VERY proud of the boy.  He’s got a good heart, I am confident he’ll continue to find his way through this thing we call life.  I do know this, I wouldn’t be 19 again if you gave me ten million dollars. 

The puggies are most definitely a source of light in my life and everyone they touch.   How sweet and comical they are, with their own unique personalities and quirks.  Bailey is a sweet, ultra intellectual, human loving pug.  Bella is still somewhat of a puppy, still a bit on the wild side. Her personality is still evolving, she is SO goofy, always wants to play and loves to get love – but squirms and wiggles relentlessly.  Food is always on their minds and is a primary motivator.

Sadly, however, Bella requires a fairly significant surgery as she has a liver shunt.   It’s pretty serious and her life span will be drastically reduced without it.  The surgery is insanely expensive, but that’s the thing about fur kids.  They ARE your kids, come hell or highwater – you do what has to be done.  So, we have a savings account just for little Bella’s surgery – slowly building and building.  Right now, we are managing with medication and diet until we have enough for the surgery.  I’m hoping by the end of the year. 

We no longer have any cats, Gaia left us about 6 months after Pumpkin passed away.   I am still hurting about the loss of Gaia as she simply up and disappeared.  I believe she went off to die and I am sad I was not with her.  I am not ready for any more cats right now, the time will present itself when it is right.

Dave and I are still together, we’ve had ups and downs like all couples I suppose.  He hasn’t been working as much as he’d like and things have been tough with that.  I do not have a prediction for where we might be in a year from now, but for today, we are working through it.

Relationships with my BFF’s have been a lifesaver this past year!  As always, they have remained steadfastly by my side through thick and thin and truly, I cannot imagine my life without any of them.  As we all age together, we only grow closer and smarter about how we love each other.  It is a joyous experience to grow together, especially since they ARE my family. 

I sure miss my WA family and am always aching to get out that way.  I did make it out in April 2011 and am hoping to make it out this coming September.  Time will tell, I’m determined to make it happen.  I desperately wish to see Rose and Clark, it’s always just behind the scenes in my travel plans.

Also, I have begun communicating more and more with my cousins, aunts, uncles and Grandfolks out in the South and Midwest.   It is sometimes complicated, but I do my very best to stay neutral when communicating with them b/c my main goal is to have a relationship with them and who they are and not have it be clouded by drama that is not their our “ours” collectively.

My Uncle Randy passed away in June 2011 (this had something to do with my before mentioned life style choices, more on that another time) and I pray for my Grandma every day.  She remains awesome as ever, but changed.   Obviously, it was very hard on the family as a whole so I think a lot of us took a step back and analyzed our own situations.

Re-Location
We moved, YET AGAIN, just a few short months ago.   We resisted and resisted because as everyone knows, moving is UBER stressful, expensive and uprooting.  Plus, I’ve done a fair amount of it in recent years and I’m about over it. 

It was a necessary evil, however.   We had simply outgrown the old house and it was falling apart.  Environment is everything.  I needed more light.  I needed the house to be more modern and spacious.  I needed my own bathroom.  Sharing a bathroom with 2 boys was NOT working out. 

We moved in the last week of January, 2012 thankfully, the weather held for us.   It’s large, affordable for the area (rent is INSANELY high in the Denver area, good lord!) and has a lot of yard space and fenced back yard for the puglets.  So far, I don’t hate the neighbors and it’s at the end of a cul de sac, so it’s very remote feeling and quiet. 

There was some drama experienced during the first month though, namely plumbing related and it did add an extra level of stress to the situation.   It was resolved fairly quickly by the landlord (who is a very nice lady btw) and life is good in the new house.  I am hopeful that some roots can be put down here, for a while anyway.

I’m taking my toys and going home!
I was looking over my posts from 2010/2011 and my unhappiness at my previous employer is quite evident.     I surely was making no secret of my discontent and there came a point where I said no more.  It was as clear as day and I have no regrets.  I gave that company 7 years of my life, 5 of them were very good and I did my best to stick it out until the end – but I am not going down with the ship thank you very much.  My mental health is not worth it.

I was recruited by another company and made that transition in February 2012.   One week after we moved into our new house.  As you can see, I’m an all or nothing type of girl.  My dental woes also occurred in February/March.  2012 first quarter has been a handful, but I survived.

Love the new position; it is very close to home.   4.6 miles to be exact.  I feel I have finally found the marriage of community based work and desired income to meet my needs/desires and so far, I’m loving the environment.  My only real complaint is there are days I do not have enough to do and other days where I’m slammed.  I also feel underutilized in some areas.  I’d like to see a little more balance there.  I believe that over time, there is a great deal of growth potential here, and I am going to see where it takes me. 

I do miss my former co-workers, specifically R.  She and I were two peas in a pod and worked together fabulously.  We had something very special there, we were more like a small family then anything.  That is something that will take me time to adjust to.  I do not anticipate I will form any strong bonds in the new environment, but am working hard to remain open to it.

Now what?
Living the dream is on the docket.   I have great days and not so great days, but every day – I’m happy to be alive and living isn’t quite so painful.  I’m on the other side of my 30’s now and while I have moments of craving the excitement and adventure of my youth, I am slowly settling into something more balanced and less intense/chaotic then was once the norm for me.  That, in and of itself, is a huge journey.  If you only knew how challenging it is for me to be still, silent, satiated.

I am exploring my hobbies more and more, love the knitting so far.  Would like to look at crocheting/painting and still dream of picking up an instrument.  Even at my age, surely it must be possible to learn a whole new language, yes? 

I do know, I will pick back up the writing.  Sometimes, it’s ok to put something down long enough to get your bearings.  Trust you me, I had some SERIOUS bearings to get in alignment. 

What I will use my blog for, I do not know, but I do miss it and know it’s something that needs to be part of my daily life. 

Happy Monday
XO

Distraction

Distraction

It’s a rainy, cool Monday morning in Denver Colorado and I’m distracted beyond distraction. The rain, the migraine that keeps threatening me, the man child, the Pumpkin head…aw, so much to think about on a busy Monday morning. I’m looking to the heavens for a little direction and focus, cuz so far it’s just not on the menu this morning.

Max is home again and that feels solid and lovely. He continues to grow into such a fine human being, I’m very proud. He’s too thin and I can tell he’s not been getting enough rest, but otherwise, he seems pretty well over all and ready to embark on the next phase in his life. The drive itself to Casper and back went off without a hitch (save some fog and icy roads on the way up) and with a little help from Max’s friends we were able to manage all of this things in both of our cars without any trouble at all. Seeing Max’s dad is always awkward, Max’s friends commented on the tension between us. That’s too bad, but really, I don’t hold any need to make friends with this person. Our child is a legal adult, sans babies or marriage or medical issues…I doubt I’ll have to interact much with this person in the future and that’s ok with me. I try not to judge the relationship they seem to have forged. I do feel a little protective of Max in this regard as I fear perhaps his father views him more as a party buddy then his child as I am all to familiar with this approach to parenting– it’s not quite what I’d had in mind for them, but hey…that’s between them and I am choosing to keep my mouth shut and remain grateful for the fact that Max seems to have found what he was looking for by going out there in the first place. Max has the whole world in front of him now and I’m so very proud of him – we’ll see how the future unfolds!

Losing Pumpkin this weekend is clearly on the heart and mind. I am at peace with her passing in the sense that this is how life is supposed to be - long and filled with lots of love, experiences and warmth– her actual passing was very peaceful. It was quiet, I held her close to me as she went. She was not in any pain, I made sure of that. I had some left over pain meds from a previous procedure and I knew in my heart she was on her way out and I saw no reason not to give this to her if it made her more comfortable, it may have even speeded up the process a little, I’m not sure. I feel a little strange about it, but I know if I’d taken her to the 24hr emergency care clinic, they would have done the same thing. There was no saving her and I am not sure I would have even if there was. That little girl lived a long life, far more then the 9 she was originally given and she’s not been herself for about a week now so I think I instinctually knew it was coming. I had hoped it wouldn’t be the first thing Max encountered upon his return home, but I have come to learn that males simply aren’t not the emotional creatures that we are. His attachment to Pumpkin hasn’t been significant and I don’t feel he will equate his homecoming with her death. I’m sure he’ll remember that she passed and my tears, but I think he’s so focused on his own journey that it’s something of a relief just to have the trip be over with and life moving forward. Pumpkins passing is a bit of a relief to be perfectly blunt, I have been praying I would not have to make the decision to euthanize her, I simply have not been able to do it with her up until this point and really, it all went so smoothly, I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome given the emotion involved with the situation. I have opted to bury her up in the mountains; she loved the out doors as a younger cat. I am grateful that I could be with her in her first moments of life and during her last in leaving this world. She was definitely a character as cats go, ornery and demanding and vocal. It’s no wonder we were so bonded.

Dave has been such a wonderful support system in recent weeks. I find myself becoming more and more attached to him. He sure is a sturdy rock whenever I need him. I may just let myself fall in love with him after all.

Pray for me my friends, I now live with TWO men and I can assure you, much patience on my end will be required. Time for myself is going to be in the cards regularly. The puggies and I, we’ll be going on lots of walks I suspect. Which is good given Bailey’s little weight problem *shh don’t talk about it, she’s sensitive*

Love to you all
S

"Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self" - Pink

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

Tentative Seattle/Anacortes Itinerary

I’ve received time off and have confirmed fur baby care in my absence from 04/21/2011 – 04/23/2011. The following is my tentative schedule, barring scheduling conflicts with others and confirmation that I can stay w/ MB on Friday :)

Thursday, April 21st 2011
1) Arrive at SeaTac mid morning, pick up car
2) Lunch with HG in Seattle
3) Pikes Place Market or time w/ GramE & Grandpa (whatever works for them)
4) Head to Bellingham to chill with Kai and friends for afternoon/evening

Friday, April 22nd 2011
1) Breakfast in Bellingham
2) Time w/ GramE & Grandpa (Lunch?)
3) Deception Pass
4) Dinner/evening w/ MB

Saturday, April 23rd 2011
1) Breakfast/early brunch w/ GramE & Grandpa
2) Back to Seattle to fly home

I’m so excited! I can’t wait to see everyone!

XO

Progress.

I am making some progress on my 2011 goals list. I am in motion on getting things organized at home, which feels great. It appeals to my desire for order, plus it really does make life run a lot smoother when you know where everything is and it’s easily accessible. Plus, doing an inventory on the amount of clutter, clothes/shoes that don’t fit, etc…well that was slightly depressing (I miss some of those clothes and shoes) but gratifying nonetheless to see them in the “donate” pile. Now, it’s just a matter of two more closets and organizing the storage and voila, my home will be that much less overwhelming on the daily and much more manageable in terms of housework. There’s something about knowing that the closets are organized and clothes that don’t fit me any more or lamps that are no longer my taste are simply out of the equation.

I am seriously reconsidering joining Weight Watchers. It’s true I want to lose weight and focus on a healthier life style, but I’m not going to punish myself into submission to do so. This does not contribute to emotional health and well being, been there done that. I might have LOOKED awesome, but I didn’t FEEL awesome. No, this time I’d like to do all of this with a little less self-abuse and over restricting and focus on a macro level relationship with food, including portion control and breaking up with my sugar daddy (literally) for good. As much as I’d rather try and do this on my own, I can’t quite seem to get my ass in gear on the subject and have been going all out since the holidays and the pounds are creeping back on from my tonsil weight loss. Weight Watchers might be just the thing to get me back on track, without turning into one of those crazy people that counts every calorie and has a conniption when even one work out was missed…oh wait, that was me…7 years ago. Amazing how life circumstances change ones priorities. Anyway, along with this consideration also includes the fact that I find the whole group support piece incredible rewarding and weekly meetings for weigh-ins etc…keeps me much more accountable. I’m on the look out for a WW buddy, it would be nice if I could find someone who would commit to going to meetings with me and then working out after. Kristen and I did this together in 1998 and both lost a lot of weight and kept each other really on target. She’s not in that mindset at the moment and I respect that and I doubt I’d be able to replicate that situation with anyone (K is my bff after all, I mean, you can’t just become WW with anyone and have it work out THAT perfectly) but I’m thinking I’ll post around on the various sites and see if I can find someone who wants to commit to 3 months of WW meetings and a walk or something afterwards with me. I will start on FB, that’s probably my best chance of finding someone I already know AND local to boot. The thing about WW is that man, if you follow the program, you do find yourself losing weight AND sort of retraining your brain in the process. It’s really pretty amazing. I’m sure my doc(s) would be thrilled if I took off 30 or 40 lbs this year, as would I! I might even get a gold star 

In other news, I’m having this really amazing experience recently with my dogs. I’ve been reading up on pet massage and learning basic technique and details about how massage benefits our fur babies. In the process of applying some of these techniques and experimenting with lengths of time and what not with Bailey (who is more mature and bonded to me, therefore more willing) and Bella (when the wiggles have escaped her puppy body long enough for her attention to be focused on anything but chewing, eating and playing with toys) that they are incredibly receptive and responsive to the experience. In doing so, I find that engaging in this physical interaction with my dogs that I get into this zone, where I can literally feel the energy being exchanged between us. It’s sort of hypnotic, almost like meditation. I find the very activity, in and of itself, soothes and calms me just as much (if not more) as I hope it is doing for them. My favorite and theirs too I think, is the massaging of their ears, head, neck and upper body since I learned that pugs (and lots of dogs built similarly) tend to carry their weight in their front paws, legs and joints and therefore, a lot of their tension and energy also lives there. They really lean into it and give me lots of gratifying responses and I get this real sense of expression from them, like “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, thank you momma!” Which I suppose appeals to the mommy in me. I used to give Max little massages after his baths as an infant and toddler with lavender oil and he would sleep….well, like babies do. Perfectly. I’ve also noticed that the puggies sleep really well after I give them there little puggy massages, with lots of happy dreams from the sounds of it. This may all sound very strange to someone on the outside, but the act of connecting with another being so lovingly and innocently really brings a lot of joy to my spirit and the intoxication of it all is not something I’ve experienced before. It’s like God connected us so that we could mirror the organic love that naturally exists in the other. They really are these kind of salt of the Earth type of creatures. Sometimes I truly believe that these animals come into our lives to remind of us how simple and available love is to us in its most pure form, if we just accept it. Maybe that’s partly why man is so bonded to their pets. It may have started out as a protective thing (dogs) or involved acts of worship or suspicion (cats) but the business of having pets in our daily lives has definitely blossomed, I think, into perhaps a sense of reconnecting to ourselves. Bella and Bailey are full of all this unbridled love and comic relief, they are so innocent, intuitive, sensitive, have no real fears. They kind of remind me perhaps of how I should love and be.

I should note that Bella is leery of Gaia, but I wouldn’t call it fear so much as lesson learned. Gaia has claws and is not afraid to use them. She is the mistress of her domain and will tolerate Bella’s tomfoolery to an extent, but testing those kitty waters could land you with a sore nose and the total humiliation of knowing that a cat just kicked your butt.

I won’t even get started on the cats. There’s no disputing the cats role in my home. They are the surveyors of all the land and royalty of the house. Gaia watches all goings on and judges accordingly. Gaia will insist you play with her when she feels like it and that you leave her alone unless she instigates interaction. Pumpkin demands and demands and demands…loudly. She’s old, she’s got that right as far as I’m concerned. Regardless, food must be present at all times (even if they aren’t hungry) and water can only be drank from the tap. That’s just the lay of the land with those two. I’ll sure miss Pumpkin when she’s gone. She slightly resembles an matted, orange striped dinosaur at the moment. We all know what happened to the dinosaurs.

More soon my friends, home awaits. Love to you all.

35

Who knew I’d even make it this far? The specters from my teens would probably tell you it’s really only by accident that I survived at all, the manic moods of my 20’s would tell you that it’s a miracle I’ve learned to sing songs that don’t involve the long blue pining away hopelessly after unobtainable loves and grieving morosely about all I didn’t have or know as a child, and my early 30’s would tell you that it was just around that I started to feel a bit more like someone I could relate to when I looked into the mirror, even though I was a goddamned mess in those early years. I might have been a mess and screwed my (and my son’s) life up righteously, but I was doing so authentically at least because one is quite raw in the throws of a mid-life crisis. Which I finally realized is exactly how you learn about who you really are, which is sometimes a frightening experience.

Here I am though, somewhat worse for wear. My health isn’t in the greatest condition (more abnormal tests, this time “women” related. Gawwh, that’s the LAST time I get an annual physical - KIDDING) and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s my own doing. Not intentionally of course, but lifestyle and the stress of recent years have taken their toll and now it’s time to pay the bill. Let’s cross our fingers and hope it can all be managed, with minimal discomfort at least.

That bothersome physical stuff aside, what I wonder is what do the next 5 years of life have in store for me before another big birthday – the big 40? Let’s make it a good stretch shall we? I’ve learned not to plan for anything and expect everything and to try and not be disappointed OR cocky about a given circumstance because life always has a sooprize in store for you, and you probably won’t see it coming. Even if you try to control everything, it’s still waiting around the corner. So why try? It’s exhausting. It might just be more exciting to roll with it on it’s own terms anyway and remain content and grateful, ever think of that? I have, but old habits die hard. I’m getting there.

I have some things I’d like to experience. Reconcilliation with Pam would be nice. I’m not going to undercut or go to great lengths to sacrifice myself in the process of attempting to do so either. I am open and willing, in time. I’d really like to do a little traveling and see more of my family and friends who live out of state. Lose some weight. Spend as much time as with Max as possible. Maybe I'll get married and run off to some other country? HA, that would be nice. The other country part *giggle*! Get the health back on track (which in spite of recent events, I feel is possible) and maybe, if I am really lucky, find my next calling in life? I don’t feel lost so much right now as I feel the winds are hinting at redirection, which they do from time to time.

We’ll see I suppose, something in me feels excited for another phase in my life. I can tell you I don’t feel 35 at all. Somehow, I doubt I will feel 40 or 45 or 50 when/if I get there either because we are all children in side. Let’s hope huh?

CHEERS TO ANOTHER YEAR!

Nobody Panic

It’s my fault, so nobody panic. Actually, it’s no one’s fault really, it’s more that I just haven’t been able to focus on it until now. Or, that it hasn’t become such an issue until now? Last year it was the tonsils. This year, it’s going to be the kidneys me thinks. Sometimes me thinks I’m mental and a total hypocondriach, it’s hard to dissect. There are considerable health issues that require attention within my own little microcosm of genetics and as much as I’d like to say it ain’t so, it is and as much as I’d like to pretend it ain’t happening, it is. So, here’s the detail, in short and as I understand it.

My recent physical indicates an increase in kidney function, high for even someone with Alports Syndrome. My most recent renal ultra-sound shows that the size and shape of my left kidney has change since the last time I had one (like 10 years ago, not such a big surprise) but it’s also something that is monitored for Alports. It is nothing to get freaked out about right now, my kidneys are still functioning, we aren’t talking dialysis or anything (yet) but it is somewhat cause for alarm because it’s a significant jump since last year and, it is common for the disease to begin progressing around my age. Though, 85% of the time, the progression is in men. Women generally only present 10-15% of the time with anything other than high protein and blood in the urine for the duration of their lifetime. I, however, do have the high blood pressure, cholestoleral, visual and hearing issues in addition to the higher kidney function levels, so…it’s possible I am part of that 10-15% of women who have Alports who may actually experience significant progression. What does this mean? It means my kidneys may gradually (or quickly) stop working, which will require dialysis and eventually transplant. It’s really that simple. The problem is, there is no real way to stop the progression once it is in motion. They can manage my blood pressure and some other things which will help, but the main way to stop it is to lose weight and take uber uber good care of myself. Dammit, I knew these extra lbs were really going to be a problem at some point. Frack.

So, there will be more monitoring, lab work and ultra sounds and office visits where I’ll be lectured about losing weight, getting active and watching my water, caffeine, alcohol and sugar intake. From here on, all we can do it monitor and hope for the best. Sigh…I guess I can do my part too. Though, it is irritating as ALL get out because there’s no real proof that watching all these things carefully and losing a bunch of weight is going to have any real affect at all. It’s sort of one of those “it is what it is” things, but on the flip side, I hardly have any reason not to right? I’m just cranky b/c it means I have to change up my routines a little – poo on that, I’m a creature of habits and rituals my friends and all of my “vices” are included in them, so tghghgbhtttttttttt! Is it terrible that I’m more cranky about the idea of having to give up my Friday night cocktails, coffee and sugar than I am about the thought of what it might do to my health if I do not? What a tangled web we weave indeed.

In the mean time, I also developed a kidney stone (related to the excess proteins) and let me tell you my friends, that is not something I wish to experience again. Promptly followed by a migraine (from the stress and exhaustion of the previous 2 days I’m sure) so I was off work for 2 days. Big big fun. I’d like to note here that for the “average” person, if you wish to avoid kidney stones…drink your water! NO COMPLAINING, just do it. I would rank passing a kidney stone up there with child birth and broken legs, and it was teeny tiny one so…yeah, just drink your water.

The past week of pondering all the implications and resulting discomfort from this new information has been stressful, but I’m managing. I cannot control it and I’m not doing myself any favors by agonizing over it. Of course, you must remember I’ve been dealing with this possibility since I was a young girl and we don’t really know what it means yet, just that we need to start keeping a closer eye on things and as I know more, I’ll let you know more. The first few days my mind did spin out of control, going directly to the most negative possible outcome and panicking and then, panicking about Max because this really causes me to consider him and how this disease will more than likely affect him as well before he’s 40. Again, there is little I can do but share with him the situation. I have offered to pay for him to see a kidney doctor in Casper, he just ignores me. *rolls eyes* STUPID MOMS! What do they know? Friggen kid. It’s like talking to turtle who thinks his shell is totally invincible. For a time, it surely is sturdy and strong, but given the proper circumstances, even a tough turtle shell can become vulnerable. Often, through no fault of the turtle’s at all and no matter what the turtle thinks in his little turtle brain, if he’s not keeping an eye on how strong his shell is, it could suddenly just fail on him and his little wiggly underbody will be totally exposed and vulnerable and needing a lot of support to stay safe. Friggen turtles.

More soon my lovely readers, and you are…lovely I mean. No worries, just prayer and love us like you always have and always do. How blessed are we?

Grumpapatamous

I am a giant grumpapatamous….hear me RAWR. Soooo skerrry, I know. I am utterly terrifying, just ask my minions (puggies.)

No really, I am a raging crab-ass at the moment. I basically feel as if I am in prison for my 8+ hours each day and it’s wearing a little thin. The environment now resembles a police state, everything is monitored and everyone is being scrutinized in detail. In return, some of us are behaving like rebellious arbitrarily defiant teenagers because we aren’t used to being treated like kindergartners. It makes me sad to think that this is the state of corporate America these days and that, I am now one of “them.” It never felt that way here before, just in the past 8 months or so. This is how it is though, that’s the reality. Fakey, fake fake FAKE! I feel no one can be trusted (except one individual) and all relationships are strained, the team has disintegrated into a free for all, every man for himself type of mentality and the irony is that we are all working harder then every and under more and more pressure every day, yet it often feels as if we are spinning in circles and end up being our own worst enemies.

I am reading a valuable book suggested by my oh so wise in the literature department (and other departments as well obviously) about working with your manager’s management style. I hope it helps. Mostly right now, it’s just fun to read on my iPad. Which, besides my puggies and basically every other thing outside of my 7 AM – 4 PM, makes me extremely happy!

On that note, we are celebrating D’s bday this weekend with his sister and some friends. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping my mood perks up, I am super low on energy as well. I am also acknowledging that perhaps some of my disdain is also the “coming down” period after all the excitement that comes from the holidays. Life is back to “normal” – ho hum – hum drum. Jeez, what a whiner I am!

One thing I know for sure is that I’d better find a way to manage this situation with a smile on my face and learn to leave it at work, or else I’m going to end up acting out or doing or saying something I regret later. I’m far too mature and professional to do something hasty, besides, I like being able to pay the bills you know. Still, it does seem I must find a different method because the current isn’t working.

RAWR.

It’s complicated!

I have a friend who is in the midst of a custody/visitation dispute that is all too familiar to this gal. It is, almost identical in nature to that of my own with my son and his biological father. It’s so similar in fact, that I can’t help but feel that this person and I are in each other’s lives to support one another through these types of things for a reason.

He’s been such a support to me in regards to my own baby daddy drama and given me great insights on the thought process of a teen age boy of a single mom as his mom was a single mother of 3 children for the duration of his childhood - brave woman! I honestly am not sure where I’d be now emotionally on the subject with out his valuable and most appreciated support.

Now, here we are, 15 months later, facing what I suspected all along would come along some day as it is the natural progression in these situations. Boy wants more interaction with father, father wants more interaction with boy, and mother is hesitant and controlling. Sound familiar? Scarily so. Mother and father in this scenario had a terribly ugly divorce, on all levels, including financially. Everyone got screwed in the situation and of course, everyone involved feels wronged in some fundamentally deep way.

It is ironic that I can now empathize with both the father and the mother in this situation. She says and does all the same things I did, motivated by protecting her bear cub. I gather that she’s grown considerably since the divorce (as 10+ years will do to a person) and only wants what is best for the kiddo. My friend constantly questions her motives (naturally, as they don’t even know each other any more) and is most certainly on the defensive. Meanwhile, boy child is in limbo while mom and dad hash it out. Good times for everyone involved. Blech.

Thankfully, I also know that my friend is a wonderfully solid and loving person. He isn’t the person she knew 10 years ago either. Certainly more stable and experienced and most definitely more disconnected from the situation between the two of them and more focused on his relationship with his son. He’s been doing his best to keep the communication open, but I know it’s been met with a lot of resistance until now. Because now, man child wants to get to know his papa more and mom is left with no choice but to give the situation a chance and see where it goes from there. All the while trying to manager her own fears. How I know difficult this is, it’s some of the most challenging situations I think life can throw at us.

This situation isn’t exactly as it was in my own in the sense that there aren’t safety issues involved here, there was never any abuse or 10 years or more at a time with zero contact and/or no child support agreements. But I can see that it doesn’t make the pain or sensitive nature of the situation any less intense. There is so much history here; so much residual hurt that it is clear that everyone involved is on edge regarding the subject.

I wish I could wave my magic wand and instill the knowledge in all parties involved that some how, it is very likely that everything will work out ok in the long run, but not without a certain degree of growing pains and agony so get ready because it’s not easy at all, but SOOOO worth it! Kids need to know where they come from, whether you agree with how things are or not, it is what it is and denying them that gets nobody anywhere. Not anywhere good anyway.

Wish him (us) luck.

2011 Goals!

I am reluctant to label this post in any way as a New Year’s Resolutions, though I suppose that’s what it most closely resembles. It is true that the New Year marks a period of reflection and retrospective insight. But for me, I’m not sure that it is any more or any less than say Max’s birthday (BIG one for me) or my own birthday or any random Sunday morning while I’m brewing my coffee for the morning, watching the squirrels in my backyard ravenously searching the yard for some glimmer of a snack that wasn’t there the night before.

I do know, however, that these are items I’ve been procrastinating for some reason or another for some time now and I feel more able and energized to address them and why not use the New Year as starting point? It’s a perfectly legitimate excuse in my book and perhaps, a fine motivator as well?

1) Organize My Life
This may seem utterly monotonous (and it is for me, I can’t even tell you) but it is absolutely necessary. Partly due to the fact that I will be officially cohabitating with another adult in less than 30 days, partly due to the fact that my living space feels a little like a tornado hit it at one point and was sort of haphazardly thrown back together and partly because I’ve just been lazy about such things and it makes my Type A cringe.

a) Sort and determine what items can be set aside for yard sale in July 2011. This includes cleaning out all closets, dressers, drawers., boxes in storage….etc and clearing out the stuff that isn’t being used! Just get rid of it!
b) Establish a solid filing system (shoving everything in a drawer DOES NOT COUNT!)
c) Work on getting into a routine that incorporates my goals for healthy cooking, exercise, hobbies, fun AND downtime.
d) Get the 1,000’s of physical photographs I have of Max, friends, family, my dad, etc….in digital form.
e) Get the 1,000’s of digital images (in addition to d above) cataloged and published.
f) Get all cd’s migrated to digital copy and cataloged.
g) Get all digital music cataloged.
h) Get all address and contact information in one central location.
i) Back up all data and files regularly to external hard drive.


2) Health & Healing
This goes without saying I suppose, but I know I have to stay conscious about these aspects of the many types of health (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental) or it falls by the wayside as I am easily distracted. This includes, but is not limited to:

a) Enjoyable physical activity 3- 5 times per week (this does not include cleaning the house!) this needs to include the puggies at least a few times a week as well, they really need exercise!
b) Dental care is a priority this year (I haven’t been able to afford it and it’s becoming increasingly necessary)
c) Focus on healthy food choices and portion control, but I refuse to diet any longer. Dieting is not living. I have a much healthier relationship with food when I’m not obsessed with every calorie, fat gram and carb that I’m putting in my mouth. When I am less obsessed, I don’t punish myself for “messing up” and feel driven to binge. I like ice cream and I’m going to eat it sometimes. I like cheese and chocolate and peanut butter, I’m going to eat it sometimes too. I like sushi and every kind of vegetable and fruit that exists and I will eat that as much as is possibly available to me. I’m tired of trying to trick my brain into thinking it’s full on foods that don’t satiate but are deemed “healthy” by the dieting community. My goal is to return to eating in the most organic sense of the word, eat when I’m hungry and eat the foods that are the best suited for my needs, which include treats now and again.
d) Staying conscious indulgences and over-indulgences (sugars, alcohol, caffeine, the occasional cigar, etc….)
e) Continuing to focus on herbal assistance regarding mood and mental health, as well as daily multivitamin and probably should begin incorporating a calcium supplement since I’m going to be 35 soon and that’s when bone loss supposedly begins.
f) Incorporate regular meditation and deep breathing exercises.
g) Incorporate time with nature regularly.
h) Remain grateful and conscious.
i) Get Puggies/Kittehs to vet regularly (Bailey needs her teeth cleaned ASAP)
j) Pamper myself from time to time (pedicures, manicures, getting my hair did, new shoes/clothes, etc…)
k) Continue to focus on immune system improvements.

3) Hobbies
a) I really love to write, it is my passion and I must embrace it. Find a creative writing class!
b) Blog & Journaling.
c) Dance class: Belly, Zumba, African Beats.
d) Possibly something crafty, like knitting or crocheting.

4) Communications and Travel
a) Maintain better communications with friends and family from afar.
b) At least one visit out of state to see family.

5) Work Related
a) C# class (online or physical) & books
b) ASP.Net class (online or physical) & books
c) Software development best practices and guidelines research/documentation
d) Continue to build on SQL skills
e) Vacation one week in July, November, December 2011!

6) Financial
a) Save money each pay check.
b) Make larger payments on car/credit cards to pay off sooner.
c) Set aside funds for a bit of pampering from time to time.



This feels like a good start. I am going to book mark this entry and reference (and edit) as needed when I need a good reminder of what my priorities for myself are. I tend to get lost in what everyone else needs from me. Balancing giving and loving with remaining conscious of what my own needs and goals are going to be a priority for me this year. I’m looking forward to it!

Happy New Year!

Sarah's 2010 Year In Review

Shew, is this time again already? Every year the Holidays sneak up on me faster and faster and I find myself each year being less and less surprised by this. It really is true that life seems to pass you by in a flash (or is that we just start paying more attention to the quality of moments as we age?) and time seems to move a little quicker every day, week, month and year that goes by.

For me, it has been a year of transitions, challenges, rewards and much needed and appreciated relief. Max has been in Casper well over a year now and I can tell you, it’s taken me this long to acclimate. I have to say though, in retrospect, I believe it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. I miss him every day, I fret over his future, I wonder if he’s eating enough and taking good care of himself. I guess that is never going to go away? That said, the relationship that is blossoming between us is more than I could have ever hoped for. He seems to have gained significant insights within the past 16 months (as have I), as I suppose getting out into the world and on your own can do to a person. Max has experienced a lot more “real life” in the past year and I can tell it’s aged him in all the good ways. He has his own apartment, vehicle and job to maintain on a regular basis. Sometimes I wish he’d had a little more of being a “kid” to enjoy. How I’d hoped he would have more of a traditional high school/college experience. We all want that for our own kids, to hope that they have more opportunities and less life stress. I am learning quickly that a person’s future can hold many forms. Formal education is not for everyone. Though, deep down I’d be thrilled if Max returned to education sooner rather than later, I am learning to trust him and that his path is his own and what he needs from me is for me to be in his corner. And I am. He makes it easy. He’s doing well for himself and while I would have liked things to not be quite so “real” for him at the tender age of 18, I see him trudging his way through it and learning and coping well and making pretty good decisions over all. What the future holds for him I am not entirely sure, he’s a young man trying different things to see what works for him. I can’t fault him for trying on all his different “selves” – it is part of the process, but I surely do appreciate how much closer we seem to have gotten as a result of the changes and a little distance. I am thrilled that I am the first person he calls if he has a question about some random thing or just needs me to listen. He’s clear that he can call on me if he needs something, that I may not be able to fix it, but that I am there no matter what. And when he’s “home” with mom, he hugs me like he means it and I get all the juicy details about day to day life. It’s good stuff. What else can a momma bear ask for?




In baby news, babies have been in abundance this year! My sister Rose, had her first son and made me the proud Aunty of little Clark William McKinney on Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 11:18 a.m. weighing 6 lbs, 9 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He is like the COOLEST most awesomely blond haired little toe head yet (of course besides Max) and am really impressed by what great parents Rose and Michael are to their wee tot. My dear friend Becky had her youngest just a few short weeks ago in mid December and he’s an absolute doll. I love her whole family and am so pleased to have her back in Colorado! My best friend Kirsten’s family brought home their first baby in 17+ years the week of Thanksgiving 2010, little Lily. So sweet, looks just like her daddy. I love all these babies, they are so warm and snuggly and a very gentle reminder of the beauty of youth and life.

I bought a new car in the spring of 2010. As many of you know, I am fan of the automobile and am enjoying my new Subaru to the utmost. Wish it would SNOW in the Denver Area so I could enjoy it, dammit! Next, a new sound system will be installed as I plan on driving this Subie for a while and momma needs her beats!

Another new addition to the family this year was Bella, a faun female pug. As many of you may remember, Bailey (black female pug) came home with me in March 2009. Bella came home in late June 2010 at almost exactly 2 months old. She is now closing in on 8 months old and she is a HANDFULL! It is, as they say, like having a toddler in the house X 2. Bailey is uber maternal with Bella and teaches, nurtures and snuggles (and occasionally disciplines) Bella. Bella is fiercely curious about all things, especially about whatever I am doing and the cats. Bella is convinced that Gaia isn’t really allowed to live in the same house and “tattles” on her to me all the time. Pumpkin is still alive and kicking (really, real talk!) and Gaia(THE most enchanting black witchy cat ever) watches all the madness from her perch, taking it in and disapproving where necessary. If my house sounds like fur ball chaos, it is. It’s great. My niece Bethany (Kristen’s daughter and approximately Max’s age) has also been spending more time with me and helping me with the dogs. She’s an angel, I absolutely adore her.



I know that my work has partly been responsible for whisking the year by at break neck speed. I have acquired many new duties, responsibilities and skills this year and it’s been incredibly rewarding and challenging alike. There have also been some big changes internally as well that have caused all of us to acclimate to a new way of doing things and doing our best to keep up with the changes in a positive and focused manner. We do it though, I am constantly in awe of my team-mates, how dedicated and talented they all are. It is an honor to work with such a great group of individuals. The coming year is looking similar, we are rewriting some of our core applications and the entire team will be dedicated to that in early 2011. I’m really hoping to be able to focus on getting more shiny new programming skills under my belt, but we’ll see, those “other duties as assigned” in my job description seem to have infinite definitions, possibilities and demands.

We had many good friends move out of state this year which while I am sad to have seen them go, I feel joy in knowing that they are all experiencing new opportunities along the way. I wish you all the best and hope to see you soon!

Dave started a new job in August. It is going well, as well as his industry can support at the moment anyway, but he is seriously considering changing career paths at 30-achem-something, which I support 100%. He’s a hard working, wonderful person who is pretty good to me. I feel very lucky.

I lost a dear friend in September to cancer. He fought bravely for many years and it was a bit more sudden then anyone could have anticipated. He is dearly missed.

After about 2 years deliberation, the tonsils finally came out in October 2010. Admittedly, I was very nervous about the surgery. I’d heard some pretty awful things but really, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience all things considered. The surgery itself went great – no anesthesia hiccups (thank you medical staff at Lutheran Hospital!) and my recovery, while long, exceeded my expectations. Dave and Kristen did their best to take care of me and I was kept entertained while not sleeping by reading, Facebook, gaming, etc….3 weeks at home before I could return to work, about 8 weeks total before the area was healed and not noticeably annoying. Since, I have not had a single bout of strep throat, ear infection, sinus infection or illness more annoying that a very mild cold that lasted all of the 3 days. This is how *normal* people feel? Amazing. I should have done it years ago. I am just so thankful that I have an employer who was supportive of the time off needed to have the surgery and recover. What a blessing!

All in all, that pretty much sums up the big stuff for this year. I am blessed, loved and love life. I have learned and lived so very much this year, connected and reconnected with many wonderful souls along the way and had many great adventures that I can’t help but feel absolute gratitude. There are always ups and downs in any period of time, but with age I am learning how to cope with loss and stress more effectively each day. Even the aging part is growing on me, though the more predominant laugh lines and crows feet? Those are taking some getting used to!

Next year, I am looking forward to some time off that doesn’t involve me laid up in bed recovering from something and hopefully, I’ll be seeing more friends and family as a result and continuing to build on those relationships which make me feel so incredibly fortunate. Max is planning another visit in July, or we may go out there, I’m not sure yet. We talk so regularly that even though he’s far away, it doesn’t feel that way most days. I’ll still snatch up any opportunity I get to mom him though and enjoy all his uniqueness. No plans to move or anything major in the coming year, keeping it simple is the plan and I’m A-ok with that!

Please see the attached photo’s for your pleasure and yes, I am that person. I humiliate my animals by dressing them up :) Also, I apologize for the lack of “Dave” pics, he is realllllly not into having his picture taken!

Wishing you all the best in 2011!

Love & hugs all,
Sarah

Turkey Day Recap

Wednesday
Excused from work early, went home and baked and prepped for Thanksgiving. Bowled with D on the Wii, getting better every day. Some day, I will win.

Thursday
Up at 7 AM with the dogs and started cooking/cleaning immediately. Lots of coffee. Dinner by 1 PM, was way to much food for two people and two puggies. Puggies indulged (see below) happily, Gaia and Pumpkin just licked the gravy off their turkey. Didn’t even eat the turkey! Cats…such food snobs. Cleaned up the kitchen (sort of) and Dave and I basically slept the rest of the day, we had an extremely busy week, both in preparation for the holiday and at work. I heard from Pam via text, she wants to “talk soon?” I don’t have a response for that whole issue at the moment. I’m not ready, I don’t think. I didn’t call anyone on the holiday. I don’t feel guilty for some reason. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable with being ok with people not liking me all the time for not living up to their standards or what I’m “supposed” to do. There are STILL leftovers in the fridge and we are going on almost a week later. It will be the last time I cook an actual turkey tho, so gross. All that skin and bones and tendons and stuff. I’m just not cut out to be a carnivore, even though it was delicious and I thanked it a number of times while Dave stared at me like I was fresh out of the loony bin.

Friday
Woke up early, continued cleaning up the volumes of dishes from the previous day’s festivities. Played with the dogs and dinked around for about an hour before heading up the mountain to see Max. Was a beautiful morning in town, but the clouds were looming once I got up the mountain a bit. It was spitting snow and wind once I got to Idaho Springs and I anxiously awaited Max’s arrival at our pre-determined spot. He was there rather promptly, got out of the car looking like natural born snow border, clad in all the gear, complete with hat. AND A GOATEE! He’s got fuzz on his face, what the heck! It’s adorable, I loves it, but it took me back a bit. We went to a lovely café for brunch, I had the vegetarian eggs benedict, he had French toast and sausage. We chatted over tea and Coca Cola, did a lot of catching up. Much of which I’m still processing, most profoundly though seem to be his insights on the previous few years and his behavior and my behavior and how we landed to where we are today. He mentioned that he was sorry that he’d been such an “ass” to me, that he really was acting like a jerk and doing his best to make me feel like crap so he’d get what he wanted. He admitted that living in WY wasn’t at all what he expected and that getting to know his dad has been a good experience, but again, not at all what he expected. He said, and I quote “Now I know why you guys aren’t together. There’s no possible way you two could put up with each other.” We both laughed at that and for maybe the first time in a long time, I saw it like that instead of having mixed feelings about the man that is my baby’s daddy. I also got a serious glimpse into Max’s young psyche, has he been wondering all this time why we aren’t together? I honestly hadn’t really thought of that, I guess perhaps I just assumed it was obvious. But not to someone who doesn’t know Sean and Max, didn’t really know Sean until probably the last 18 months or so and living with someone is a whole different set of rules. Which was a natural segue in the conversation about living with his room-mate and what that’s like and he’s curious about Dave and I. He went on to tell me how much he likes Dave. That he feels more comfortable at east knowing Dave is there with me, he said “I know he’d know what to do if anything happened.” I don’t know what that means, except that man-child is clearly protective of his momma bear, even from afar. I hope not to much tho, I realllly don’t want him to have the same crappy baggage I do. Some other kind of baggage, fine, so be it and I’m sure it will be. We talked for a few hours, did some window shopping at all the quaint little mountain shops. He bought Kristen a Christmas ornament and kept trying to buy me this little doo dad or that. At which I smiled a great deal, it’s very clear he’s trying to assert his independence AND wants to prove he’s doing “ok.” I think he wants me to be proud of him. And I am. Totally, he’s really coming into himself and while I know I’m not getting the whole story, I think he’s doing pretty ok for himself. I probed about school, not to much tho, we all know how private kids can be when they get out on their own. He gets a little prickly when I bring it up, so I tread that water carefully. He says he’ll think about it. I told him I just wanted him to at least get his GED and think about Vocational Training of some kind when (?) he returns to CO, which he assures me is by about age 21. The kid has been in his own apartment about one month now. He may find that he wants more then Capser has to offer him before the next 3 years come to pass. There’s very little available to him now out there, he admits it. Ultimately, I know he’ll find his way and this may not include formal education. I always tell him “You got the best of me and your dad, you are smart and capable. You are street savvy and can read a book, those are two things that will never fail you in life.” He laughs, but he knows I’m right. He gave me the most awesome hug goodbye, good solid manly squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I tried not to cry, he reminded me he’d be down at Christmas time for a whole week. That made me smile. I left the visit feeling like my baby boy is out in the world, finding himself, but knows where his momma’s heart is and that it’s always open to him. What else could I ask for? Spent the rest of Friday cleaning house and kicking Dave’s but at Wii golf. He then, kicked my butt at ping pong and baseball. My arms are still sore, he admits I gave him a good run for his money at the ping pong.

Saturday
Slept as late as possible, which is like 7:30 AM at the most. By this point, I’m pretty tired. Got the puggies nice and worn out, showered and headed out the door to meet Rosebud and Clark William at DIA. Dave wakes up as I’m walking out, smooches and goes out to smoke in his boxers. I’m thinking, man you are dedicated to that stuff! I don’t say anything, he knows I want him to quit. I know nagging him won’t change a thing and really, who am I to say a word? I smoked for a solid 15 years before I quit and still sneak an occasional clove smoke here and there when the occasion calls for it. Drive to DIA, not much traffic, I’m thinking right on. Find a parking spot right in front, another RIGHT ON. I was expecting total chaos due to the holiday and don’t get me wrong, the airport was busier then normal. However, as I later told Rose, it’s designed to keep people moving in all it’s enormity and modern transportation-oriented design. So people are hustling and bustling all around me, I grab some water and a snack and settle in patiently near the train exit. I’m nervous to see Rose, I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe because it had been so long, maybe because I didn’t know how she’ll react to me or what if there was nothing to talk about? Those little insecure voices are SO annoying. The second she walked up with little Clark strapped to her, my eyes welled up and one of those big wet drippy tears came running down on both sides. We hugged, I apologized for the tears she looked at me and said “Oh your fine”, kind of waiving it off and smiling a little and we were off on our way. We were able to spend about an hour and a half together. I don’t know why wouldn’t have anything to talk about, we haven’t seen each other in ages. So much has happened, so much to get caught up on and plus, the little monkey really is very entertaining. No lack of interest there! Rose has grown up so much. Motherhood becomes her, she’s warm and loving and honest about what being a mom means for her. Clark is easily the most mellow baby at age 1 I’ve ever met. He just takes it all in, watches and gauges the situation and dives right in. It only took him about 10 minutes to warm up to me, which I thought given the circumstances was pretty flattering. Imagine, sitting in a busy air port on a holiday weekend meeting this big tall lady you’ve never met who just keeps trying to hug and kiss you! The horror! Clark was all over it though, we walked around and had lunch. We played and talked and he gave me some good hugs. Clark shared his rice with me and has quite the appetite. It must run in the Conlee blood. As Rose and I sat there talking, about being a mom and work and life, I had this epiphany that it was only because of a small twist of fate that we didn’t end being in the same house together, growing up as sisters on the day to day. She seems familiar to me. I feel inherently comfortable and an ease communicating with her, like she really does understand me. I think she feels the same with me too. I see mannerisms and physical features that I recognize. Later, I think to myself that neither of us grew up with a sister and she’s approximately the same difference in age with her brothers as I am with her. I try not linger on the thought, but there is this strange connection I feel to her that I don’t totally understand and I can’t tell if it’s because we are blood related in a significant way or our circumstances, though very different, are also very similar. It’s hard not knowing your father, it’s hard knowing you have a sibling out in the world that circumstances did not allow you to know until recently and it’s work to be a mom and women and wife and all those things that we both have been. Feminine unification perhaps? In any event, the visit left me pondering much and there were a lot of tears in parting from her and Clark. A longing overcame me to be a part of their lives, in a regular way. To know Clark as he ages and get to know my sister. She’s very warm and loving, I sense a similar ongoing balance and battle with the logical and emotional selves, there are many things I was able to gleem from that one interaction that has stuck with me and I think the biggest, most profound one was that my fears about us not being able to get along or have a quality relationship because of the very different ways in which were raised are not fair to either of us. It wasn’t her fault, or mine, that this is how it is and there’s no reason to taint the waters with things that are in the past and not really relevant to us. I mean what can we do about it anyway? Not a whole lot, so let’s put it in the past and move forward.

Sunday
Slept and cleaned up the house a bit more, but mostly slept. The holidays wear me out! Shew!

That said, here we are more than a week since the big event and I’m pooped out still! Not just from that but also from the various activities since, getting decorations in order, having friends over for meals, etc. I’m hoping to keep this weekend low key as I’m a bit fried already. I also jacked my back up doing yard work this weekend. My body is now going to start screaming at me to get the “rest” of me in shape now that my tonsils are no excuse? Danget.

*********************PICS TO FOLLOW SHORTLY*********************

Internal workings…..

Internal workings…..

Somewhere along the line, in my youth or since, I’ve learned to hold myself accountable for everyone else’s happiness, sadness, general state of well being, safety and experiences except my own. Drama with the momma? Drama with the man child? My partner or friend isn’t the absolute picture of sunshine while interacting with me? A coworker smarts off at another coworker? The dogs aren’t getting along? Bella keeps peeing on my favorite towel? The cat pukes up the new food I bought her? These must all be signs somehow that I have failed the person(s) or relationship in question. Surely, it must be right? After all, I’m the epitome of sunshiny happiness, the all-knowing momma bear and would NEVER puke up a free meal! That’s just rude! I’m the absolute perfect model martyr. Right down to my sad droopy tears and restless nights agonizing over such things.

~ GAG ~

Good grief, not only is this totally exhausting and somewhat pathetic (perhaps I ought to get to focusing on my OWN life and stop worrying about everyone else’s so much?) it is totally unnecessary! The world surely isn’t doing me the same favor by agonizing over such things and some how relieving me of these anxieties. I’m the only one responsible for these things for myself (as a very wise Aunty recently pointed out) so it’s on me to treat myself kindly and with respect and take care of myself. Why then, is it or has it become some how, my responsibility to do so for everyone else?

My inner child is literally crying to be free of what feels like a life time of babysitting everyone else’s feelings and needs and wanting someone to babysit me for a minute. Uhm, inner child…hello, that would be YOU little girl. You have to babysit yourself because no one else is going to. Which isn’t totally true, evident by the number of loving souls so willing to nurture all aspects of me, even the totally goofy immature and not so always-loveable ones. It’s much to fun to play the martyr tho, jeez.

The mother in me wants to keep giving unselfishly with not ever a consideration for my own energy and well being because that’s what “good” mothers do. (more gagging)

My inner assertive realist says LET IT GO! Not your problem, everyone lives their own life and you are not responsible or accountable for their behavior, actions, outcomes or personal needs. AND you can’t fix it either.

There’s also a pretty squeaky wheel in there somewhere that just feels generally whiney about the whole damn state of affairs and gets all panicky along with the bats in the belfry…it goes something like this:

“You aren’t going to be loved, appreciated or respected if you aren’t constantly giving of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You aren’t loveable or desirable unless you are giving something of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You just aren’t enough, all by yourself without some kind of gift to offer others, you just aren’t enough.”

Some other inner working wants to remain compassionate and loving and not lose myself to the plight of the selfish little screaming child inside that is throwing tantrums because it’s not been or being heard or the self-loathing voice that always whispers that what I have to offer the world in and of myself, isn’t enough. I don’t want to become bitter or off putting or isolating or lose my belief in the power of love.

Man, I wish my voices would all start playing nicely together. They are seriously giving me a headache. Until then, I AM using my big girl voice and putting the boundary down about putting any energy into perfectly grown adults whose job it is to take care of them-selves (and always has been) and not mine. That much, at least I can do.