The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 7

Compared to yesterday, today is a lot more manageable. Thanks to Dave's suggestion, I have learned that if I extend the period of time between pain meds to every 5 - 6 hours and take half a dose in the middle, it seems to even everything out pretty well and I don't end up on the tail end of my dosage in total agony. We started this last night and it's helped tremendously and I sort of feel like I'm taking less that way over all. My plan is to start weaning by the end of the week as healing progresses.

It is a rainy, cool Fall day in Denver and I am happily snuggled up with the puggies, a very warm blanky and my lappy. I've got a nice pumpkin spice candle burning and a silly day time TV program running in the background.

I haven't had any actual food since the noodle debacle on Saturday night, so I'm going to attempt some very mushy potato's to night or maybe some over-cooked mac n cheese. I am not really hungry, but I am having cravings. Mostly regarding taste and textures. Crunchy, spicy, cheesey, salty and vegetables. OMG, I haven't had salad in over a week and I'm going crazy for it! Also no fruit and I've become a daily fruit person in recent months (NOM) so I'm missing my apples, oranges, pears and berries to, big time. If nothing else, I know I'm going to come out of this appreciating the beautiful gift that is food and that it ought to be savored, not abused.

Keeping today very low key. I've not slept all that much and am pretty low on energy. I learned my lesson from Saturday night, overdoing it has serious consequences and they aren't worth it. Not even a little. Plus, I'd really like to be able to report to my doctor on my follow up visit on the 26th that I took uber good care of myself. I really don't need any heads shaking in dissapointment. Obviously, I want to be back on my feet as soon as possible, but I know rushing this is pointless.

On that note, I'm going to take a nappy with my puggies with the warm blanky.

loves and hugs
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 6

There is a lot of what is known as "referred" pain today to my ears and jaw area. It is kind of like this sharp, stabbing pain that comes and goes

I am able to sleep about 2 - 4 hour at a time, but that is about it at the moment. Last night was rough, today feels kinda the same. Swallowing is extremely painful, the pain in my ears resembles that of severe ear infections and I still cannot open my mouth all that much due to jaw pain.

I believe the fierceness of symptoms today are partly my own fault in having way over done it yesterday. I thought I felt decent enough to go to the store and at the time, I was. But after the store and getting home, I think, is when I ended up doing way to much. I gave the dogs a bath, cleaned up the kitchen and made soba noodles. Which I then attempted to eat, because I am reaching the stage where I'm beginning to feel moments of real solid hunger, and they were way to thick and firm for me to even consider. I don't know what I was thinking, but they tasted so yummy and my stomach went wild and I got about half a bowl down before it really started to hurt and I could feel my throat rebelling madly, so I gave up and tried on a bowl of mashed potato's and went to pour gravy and spilled it everywhere. I then had a bit of a mini meltdown, much like a toddler and breathed deeply and tried again only to then have poured so much gravy on the potato's that they weren't edible. It seemed like food was just not in the stars last night. Frustrating. Though, in retelling the story, mildly humorous.

I'm paying for it today, regardless. That'll put me in my place now won't it!?!?!

So enough whining, it's a bad day but we expected these didn't we? Let me tell you what I'm learning from this experience:

a) Every word requires a great deal of effort and has consequences, so it's important to choose them wisely.
b) Sometimes, it's just better to stick with the safe choice (like pudding.)
c) Pain does not discriminate and we are all battling pain of some kind. I think a plaque should be placed in public places so that it can perhaps us all to be a bit more patient with one another.
e) Vulnerability makes control freaks even freakier. Yeah, who woulda thunk but turns out, it's true. Dammit.

More soon, the other side of the couch beckons.

XO
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 5

Feeling about the same as I did this time yesterday, which if that is any indicator, I'll have a rough afternoon and make a rebound by late evening. Slept a solid 5 hours with no interuptions last night, that feels like quite the acheivement so I am pleased about that.

I managed runny mashed potato's and mushroom gravy last night for dinner, which tasted beautiful and while I only got half of it down or so, it felt great to get something in my belly. Dave happily munched on chips, queso and salsa while I gave him the stink eye the whole time and I've never seen him laugh so hard. I'm glad I can ammuse him :)

Didn't make it to Target yesterday, am hoping to go this afternoon when Dave is off work. He's working a ton of hours at the new job, I'm glad he's happy there. It's time repelenish the stocks and get out of the house for a bit, I'm getting a wee bit weepy. Last night I cried becuase my face is all puffy and I can't open my mouth very wide and when I do speak, my voice sounds foreign and distored. I had horrifying visions of my karoke career having been ended all to abruptly, though the doc assures me it's nothing like that and my voice will return to normal, albeit a bit less "husky" which is fine with me. My speaking voice has always been a bit rough around the edges, slighly leaning on the prepubscent boy side. Here's hoping it changes for the better, perhaps that rock star dream of mine can come true at age 34?

Pam texted me last night asking to come pick up her all weather tires. She should be here this afternoon sometime to pick them up. Nothing like a little awkward familial interaction to aid in the healing process eh? We haven't been on speaking terms for months, she didn't know about my surgery and when I let her know I am on bed rest and cannot talk due to surgery, there was no response. Just a "please leave my tires where I can get to them" type of thing and that was it. I am not at all surprised, but it still stung a little considering the state I'm in. So, there was another mini melt down and Dave listened kindly as he always does and that was it, it is what it is. So, her tires and a few other odds and ends are sitting in the carport and she can pick them up whenever I suppose. I truly don't have the wherewithall at the moment to really be objective about the situation, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. Whatever the outcomes are, in the end of all it, I know we will find our own understanding and peace in the situation.

Sigh.

That said, I am off to paint my toes and try to get motivated enough to get out of the house in a few hours. I should probably attempt some pudding or something too before actually going out in public so I don't pass out or something.

Much love to you all
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 4

Today is a far improvement since yesterday, my gawd I hope not to have another day like that again. If I do, those are the days that I very literally can't do much of anything except get through the day and wait out the pain.

But since today isn't one of those days and I can swallow ok and am not experiencing was is known as "referred pain" as badly, I plan to:

a) Really focus even more on the fluids. I am beyond thirsty, even though I'm drinking a fair amount of fluids, I just can't seem to get enough. It might be the creepy taste/texture of my mouth, it's like I can't get enough to wash it down/out.

b) Clean house a touch. It's in remarkabley good shape and no one panic, I'm only going to dust and fold some laundry, that kind of thing. No heavy lifting or strenous excercise.

c) We are going to try and get to the grociery store after Dave gets off work. The puggies need food, we need TP that kind of thing. Plus, I kinda feel ready to get out of the house for a bit. I also really need to think of something else I can try to eat, maybe starting working on some noodles or something b/c the pudding thing, while delicious, is getting old.

d) REST, I still feel like I could sleep for a week.

In other news, there are bills to be paid and emails to be answered. Still waiting on the books I ordered over a week ago, sigh...some good ones in there too danget! Hurry up USP. Guess I should be checking on all the "admin" stuff I need to be doing.

Everyone, please wish me luck in that this day continues to be a "good" day b/c I know there's going to be good and bad ones in the coming weeks. Yesterday reminded me of that very much so I'm going to take the ones where I can do more than sit on the couch and ache and run with it. It also helped me to remember that those crappy parts will pass, they always do don't they?

XO
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 3

It seems today my body has just realized it's been Through something a bit out of the norm and is rebelling. I finally got some sleep, about 5 - 6 hours last night and woke up in the most horrible pain. Most likely because this was adequate time for my throat to dry out and my meds to lapse. I was SO tired though, I needed the sleep. Sleep seems to present a catch 22 situation however. On the one hand, you sleep which is GLORIOUS. On the other, you wake up miserable. I won't be able to let that happen again this early in the game, it's taken me close to 4 hours to get half-way comfortable again and now, I get it.

My throat, ears and sinus area have grown their own heartbeats and are all happily drumming away in there in time with my actual heartbeat. Where I could barely speak earlier, I can't at all now without extreme effort and it is definitely a strain to do so when I do have to. My neck is swollen, circa Jabba The Hut and I can't open my mouth wide enough to get anything more then a sip of Gatorade, water or Slim Fast in.

On the flip side, the puggie brigade is keeping me company and I did manage to get a bit more sleep after I got a bit more situated.

Dave bought me new humidifier yesterday that is definitely doing its magic, he was reluctant to leave me this morning, what a sweet sweet man.

Work sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers, the vase will definitely find itself in the game again. It's a gorgeous blue and very heavy, I'll find something awesome to put into it in the future.

So, I guess here we go then eh? I am in good spirits as I anticipated this (I was a bit unprepared for the pain this morning though, it was easily an 8 on the pain scale for about an hour and that's no good!) and am doing my best to enjoy the whole concept of bed rest. Mostly, the snuggling of fur babies aspect of all of it.

Bella's rash has subsided due to much needed Benadryl and Kristen's coming to the rescue with hyrocortisone spray. She's wearing a little blue Colorado bear shirt I'd gotten for Clark William and wanted to be able to hand deliver, but was not able to achieve that goal:( Regardless, it's serving a wonderful purpose now by keeping her squeeeashy little face out of the spray so it can do it's business and moisture/anti-itch her little rash.

Bailey is thrilled to have me home, because she knows that means she has access to the couch all day and her favorite blanket. We are all going to get smpoiled by this experience I suspect.

Dave is working a long day today so I am pretty on my own and it's meds time. I read somewhere that this surgery has been done for thousands of years, doing it without pain meds seems horribly cruel. I think I'd rather just be knocked unconscious then have to deal with this morning again. YUCK.

More soon, love loves to all you wonderful people!
S

The Adventures Of Tonsil Girl: Day 1 & 2

If it's any indicator, I am at 4 AM with only about 2 hours of sleep but mostly, it's not horrible. Partly my lack of sleep is due to Bella's sudden rash onset, she's a mess and was gnawing and chewing all night and I have to sleep in THE most uncomfortable position possible to keep my head elevated so I just gave up, finally got out of my nest on the couch, got online and am drinking some Gatorade. Besides, time for my meds anyway and if I've learned anything in the last 18 hours, letting those lapse is a very bad thing.

So, I thought I'd blog since a) It's been forever and I miss it and b) I'm a weirdo and like to chronicle physical issues and ailments for later reflection to see what I am learning from them. I have a strong curiosity about the medical/biological field for all living things and have always figured I wouldn't make a very good doctor or vet because I think I would love the theory of helping to ease suffering and maybe help to heal along the way, but I am not sure I am strong enough to manage what actually goes into making that happen. The empathetic in me is almost overly so at times and it would hardly be appropriate for me to be crying while delivering the news that someones daughter has leukemia or that someones beloved fur baby doesn't have much longer. However, the nurses yesterday honestly made me seriously rethink some of that. I think I could manage helping people prep for surgery and helping them to feel comfortable post-op. It's a lot of documentation, pain monitoring, that kind of thing. I think I might actually be really good at that because I wouldn't have to like pull people's/animals organs out or give them bad news about a disease they may have, I can just be there to be there. Because we all need someone in those moments of need and these people do this for a living. Isn't that amazing? To me, nurses sadly fall into "the unsung hero" category of our community. I admire them so deeply and have very capable and kind ones and a few that might want to consider if they've chosen the right profession for them. But the nurses I had yesterday, every single one was so incredible I was emotional about it. I am sure the several nurses and anaesthetic techs I worked with yesterday got tired of me telling them how "nice" they all were and how much I appreciate them with that shit eating grin that only heavy anaesthetic and muscle relaxers can bring. I love you MAN :)

Ok, so on to the details of yesterdays surgery:

6:00 AM - 7:15 AM
Showering, getting goggies fed, played with and settled. Laundry, dishes, shaking the man to get his butt in gear.

7:15 - 7:30 AM
Driving in the rainiest coldest weather this fall yet (and it's DEFINITELY Fall in Colorado, where does the time go?) and listening to my boyfriend being his normally crusty self before his morning Pepsi and cigarette. He's like a whole different person after he's had his fix, kinda scary. Course, I remember those days and won't lie, I remember the very satisfying coffee sip and cigarette exhale first on the way to work in the mornings. ahhhh, if only those damn things weren't proven to kill you, HELLO! That's another story all together.

7:30 AM - 8:00 AM
Administrative admission: Confirming contact info, insurance etc, including an advance directives waver which I was prepared for in theory (b/c they make you do that everywhere these days) but not so much in practice. All I could think of was that I didn't want any heroic measures being taken in the event of zero brain activity and who would I want my puggies and kitties to go to (which was easy, Kristen or she would be responsible for finding them the best homes possible and strangely enough, the idea of being separated from my puggies got me more upset than anything involved in that whole document, hmmmm perhaps I'm a bit to co dependant on them?) It got me to thinking that this might be something I ought to put a bit more energy into at some point along the way. I had a living will for Max's care and what not, but he's 18 now and otherwise, I don't know what else I'd list? I know I want to be cremated and ashes spread in the Pacific Northwest San Juan Islands. I have a lot of pictures of Max I would want dispersed evenly amongst family I suppose and of course care of my fur babies and I guess it's a good idea to think about the financial stuff, I wouldn't want anyone inheriting any of my debt. I will ponder that all a bit more after I am healed.

8:00 AM - 10:30 AM
Pre-op prep/intake: Weight/height all that good stuff. BTW: First awesome nurse experience occurred here. She was sure to ask Dave to go into the waiting room while they were weighing me and all that, she said "Honey, there are some things they just don't need to know." which made me laugh the nervous giggle (b/c I was nervous after all) and then we did a urine test to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Dave and I both laughed nervously about that one, that wouldn't be the most ideal setting to find something like that out, no?

So more questions about when I last ate, had water, etc...I think I answered that question at least 6 or 7 times yesterday. Makes sense, but I'm like PEOPLE, I'm freaking starving and thirsty here, I really don't want to be reminded of that every 5 minutes. But, I know it's just their job and ultimately, it's in my best interest. Anesthesia is serious business now isn't it?

They got my line in without a hitch, shocking! My veins crawl, they see that needle coming and they go running in the opposite direction. She got it on the first poke, barely even felt it it! The nurse and I discovered she knew my mom's side of the family from back in Wisconsin (Grandma's maiden last name was Buam) and we chatted and then she recognized Dave and they chatted for a while. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Dave worked in the ER and OR at Lutheran Medical Center for 10 years. He knows wayyyyy more than is safe for the average person to know about medical procedures without a license. The stories he has, oh ew. Seriously, the things people do to themselves. Anyway, he got a kick out of how so many medical staff he worked with while he was there 10 years ago, and before that for 10 years, are still there. While we waited for close to 2 hours before the show finally got on the road, we had a long philosophical discussion about why it does seem that medical professionals stay within the industry for a life time. He also did his best to make laugh while trying to manage his Pepsi/smoke break urges.

Then boom, there's the anesthesia-ologist - whom I had consult with last week and trusted him immediately b/c he was very concerned about my last experience and assured me no one would become semi-conscious during a procedure on his watch. He asked if I wanted a sedative before we got rolling because it was going to be a while yet and he knew I was anxious/nervous. I said "Yes please sir, may I have another?" to which everyone laughed and within about 2 minutes Dave was sent off and another very awesome nurse with cutest pink scrubs on (scrubs have come a long way! Some of them even look like faux-professional attire.) to deliver my "happy juice" and then another smiling friendly face wheeled me into the OR. By then it was getting blurry and I was totally relaxed, all withing about 1 minute of the happy juice injection, so I can only assume it was Valium. I vaguely remember them beginning to strap me down (with MORE warm blankets, those people rawk!) and I don't the whole counting back from 10 or anything.

10:30 - 11:15 AM
Time travel 45 minutes (which I of course didn't realize when I was coming out of it all, seemed like about 1 second) and there was ANOTHER awesome smiling face in my face named Steph, saying "Sarah honey, how are you doing?" and she was wiping my tears away diligently and smiling warmly. I don't know why, but going "under" causes a pretty serious emotional reaction in me when I am being brought out of it. When I had my wisdom teeth out at 19, I apparently told the oral surgeon my entire life story and she kept hugging me after and telling me "Oh honey, you've had a hard life." FACEPALM! How embarrassing! God only knows what I told awesome smiley post-op lady yesterday, but she just kept wiping them without a word about it, asking me what my pain was and feeding me ice chips with a touch of cranberry juice. You have NO idea how good that tasted in that moment. It was like heaven. The whole section between my adams apple up to about my nostrils was (and still is) on fire. So after I was responding to satisfaction, they doped me up with some morphine when she took a peek in my mouth and saw that I wasn't in fact lying and was in a lot of pain and I spent the next 30 minutes or so trying to come out of all of it. I really just wanted to get up and go home, but my blood pressure was still really low, so they had to keep an eye on me for a while longer. Dave was allowed in shortly after the morphine and started giggling at me, b/c I couldn't talk and I looked about as stoned as a person can be I suppose. I don't remember this but he later told me I was rambling on about a "fahaamaatastical dreammmz I was havingggsss" :D

Finally, they unhooked all the monitors and my line and Dave helped me dress in my street clothes which consist of gray sweats, my fav tennies and a very old and tattered Care Bears tshirt and my Seattle hoodie, it was Seattle weather! I was getting cold by this time, no more warmy blankets in post up. I guess they want you to be a bit more alert. Still super wobbly so Dave put my shoes on and everything and they plopped in a wheelchair while we waited for my Ear, Nose, Throat surgeon to the post-op consult and instruct Dave on my care.

Doc said those tonsils were in badddd shape and I should've had them out years ago. He said once this is over, I'm going to probably feel about 100% better on a regular basis, I'll still get sick like everyone else from time to time but there will be no more strep or tonsillitis and only the very rare sinus infection if any. Apparently the left tonsil was completely rotted out (can you say ew?) and the right one was about half way there. The right one I think is the adenoid, even though they are both referred to as the "tonsils." He jokingly tells me that I'll never forget his name after this, that the surgery is the easy part and it is CRITICAL from this point on that I stay 100% focused on hydration, rest and pain management, because they are interdependent on one another in this case. Bleeding is also a serious danger, happens to about 20% post op and usually b/c they are not properly hydrated, but could also be a clotting issue. So far, no blod THANK GOD, but he said there will be some and what to look for if I need to go to the ER, b/c you can lose a lot I guess in a relatively short period of time. He explained how everything will scab (again, double ew) and how it's best not to spit them out and let the body absorb them if possible. *GAG* So, it's basically sleep when you can, but head must stay elevated (I am a belly sleeper, I can't remember when I last slept on my back, I suspect eventually I won't care) and take those drugs every 4 hours and sip at least 4 - 6 oz water/juice/Gatorade etc...every hour. No ice cream, but he said I could have a little on the bad days if it helped me to feel better. I have a ton of oral numbing meds, suspension pain meds and pill form pain meds for the "bad days" which according to him start around day 3 or 4 when the scabs start to build up. There's a lot of blood and what not traveling to the area so it's going to be very swollen and painful and swallowing is going to be harder (is that possible?) than it is today. This period will last 5 - 7 days, then another phase occurs where scar tissue begins to form and the ears, neck, throat and nasal cavities are going to be very sore and painful as well. It's amazing how much these little guys affect. Here all these years I just thought it was stress and me being a wuss about being sick all the time, though this time last year we'd had the same convo at my primary care physician and the ENT I saw at that time said it was a "last resort only" because recovery gets harder exponentially based on age. I'm only 34 but apparently this is ANCIENT in tonsillectomy years. I was seriously cautioned against looking my mouth, he and Dave laughed hysterically (yes, Dave knows this guy too LOL) when the doc said this and I thought "What's so funny?" and then it occurred to me that I should probably follow this doctors advice on that b/c based on how it feels, I bet it looks horrid. Plus, getting my open wide enough at this point to do so seems impossible.

So, we have a laundry list of do's and don'ts. I don't feel horrible today, but it's not great either obviously. I am learning to drink down as much fluid about 30 minutes after I take my pain meds and then sip the rest of the time in between dosages. I also found that coating one side of a popsicle with the oral numbing solution works like a charm in getting everything coated properly. The main draw back of course is that this stuff tastes WRETCHED! Not even the sweetness of the popsicle hides it, but the combination of cold and the numbing solution seems to have a really positive affect so I'm using that in between pain meds as well and dealing with the nasty taste. Plus, popsicles count as fluids! So far, I've had 1 cup of pudding (yum, except I am not a fan of the binding material used in pudding, it's animal based and in a pretty bad way, but Im thanking them and trying not to think about it to much), several popsicles, 2 Slim Fasts which have become surprisingly nutritiousness in comparison to the old days. Much lower in sugar and higher in proteins, so I feel full-er when I drink them. They taste pretty good, I like the Royal Chocolate and Strawberry. Plus a few of those a day is giving me a good chunk of my vitamins and minerals and TONS of the healing powers of protein's. And let me tell you about the wonder that is Gatorade. My fridge looks like an add for Gatorade. It's affordable, highly hydrating and intended for use in just this situation or the hard core athlete (which at a time, Max was so I am pretty familiar with how to use it in conjunction with standard waters and juices to maintain proper hydration.) Now they have Gatorade G2, it all on sale right now b/c it's a new product, it's only 20 cals a serving and much less sweet tasting then it's predassessor which is a good thing, historically, Gatorade has always been way to sugary for me. Thank goodness this product just came out b/c it's been a life savor. What I am trying to do is mix 50/50 with actual water when I do the big drink after my pain meds, but mostly in between the pain meds getting just straight water down is really hard for some reason. So I'm not getting as much actual water as I'd like, but I'm trying. I need to find some kind of juice (nothing acidic, OW) and maybe water that down a bit. I was thinking white grape, grape, what else? I'm drawing a total blank on juices that aren't citrus based at the moment.

I can say that so far, this experience hasn't been horrible. The anticipation was though. I ended up going on the occasional med for panic attacks because I was getting pretty worked up, not sleeping, etc. It's scary stuff man, but now that the surgery is over and things are in motion, I feel surprisingly excited. Like I'm really ready to live a life where I'm not sick all the time, I honestly can't even imagine!

I also know this is going to get worse before it gets better, I can feel it sort of settling in today. My tongue aches and swallowing is becoming increasingly more difficult. My ears hurt and I am absolutely exhausted, I'm hoping to catch some naps today after I get Bella all squared away. I think she's having an allergy attack or something, so poor Dave is off to the store again once he wakes up for Benadryl, which if nothing else will get her more comfortable for the day and maybe then we can all catch a few zzzz's. Dave has been pretty great, though I'm not going to lie, the guys caretaker skills are surprisingly cool considering all those years in the ER. Or perhaps b/c of it? I don't know, I'm not complaining of course, I'm so thrilled to have him helping me so much. He's helpful and certainly does all the obligatory things one expects and appreciates in this situation, but I guess I am sort of surprised? Sometimes I think he gets anxious when I am not well. He's experienced a lot of loss in his lifetime, it may be residual stuff from that which is not at all surprising. Or, perhaps he's just a guy who's been a bachelor for a really long time and needs to be taught how to take care of me and I know I can be pretty demanding and dramatic at times, but I have gotten to a point in my life where I've stopped apologizing for being who I am. I yam what I yam:)

More soon as energy permits. I have many emails to respond to from all of you that I am hoping to be able to do so during this time.

Much love to you all

S

Sorry for the lack of blogging/communications lately. Work has been challenging/demanding, I am processing the passing of a long time friend with whom I had a complicated, but loving and interesting relationship and trying to adjust to the life that life has given to me. more soon, promise….also, pics to come of the Wonder Twins, Bella is 5 months today :)

Alanis Morissette - Princes Familiar

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
please be the jerk of my knee I've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

The Crossroads

Life deals you a hand from time to time that leaves one so wide open with choices it
can be both exhilarating and daunting to select one. At present day, I feel
faced with the decision about how (or why) to further my career and how it
pertains to my current private life. The way I see it, my choices are:

1) Continue with my existing career path

Study on my own, take some formal classes leading toward certification or
degree studies.

Pro’s: I can stay with my present employer, paycheck pays the bills, learn
on the job, tuition imbursements, PTO and medical.

Con’s: I am not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of my life,
it feels unstable and unpredictable, a fair amount of studying outside of work
is going to be required to get me up to speed on the .Net platforms (which I’ve
gotten jacked around in this area for a while now) and I’m not sure how
happy I am over all/am dreading going to work lately. Considerably less time
with loved ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just
getting used to having.

2) Pursue formal degree in existing genre, possibly graphic art or
more web design oriented

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It is a good marriage between two fields I adore and excel at,
art and technology. Will remain valid and in demand. I believe I would be
happier over the long term in this field rather then structural programming and
data end.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting
myself into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting over (to a
degree) as a graphic artist or designer, I would take a pay cut, at least
initially. Considerably less time with loved ones, including fur babies and
time for myself, which I am just getting used to having.

3) Pursue something completely out of the techie realm

Get a less demanding job, preferably part time, go back to school full time.

Pro’s: It would challenge me outside of the technical side of life for
which I have spent the past 15 years and my adult life embroiled in, most
likely philanthropic in nature. Possibly looking at an environmental studies
or advocacy (animal, children, women?) program. Maybe English Lit or History.

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be risking a lot and putting myself
into debt with student loans. I’d also be starting completely over at 35
years old in an industry unfamiliar to me. Considerably less time with loved
ones, including fur babies and time for myself, which I am just getting used to
having.


4) A combination of the above?

Get a less demanding job, preferrabley part time, go back to school part
time, take 1 – 2 classes per semester and spend the rest of my time with
my family and fur babies and MYSELF.

Pro’s: To me, this would be the ideal I think and would consist of a
combination of the above. Far less challenging work environment, forward
movement in pursuing education goals, plenty of time for myself, Dave, the
doggies, etc. I have far less responsibilities as a whole, wouldn’t it
be a lot of fun to spend some time getting to enjoy that a little?

Con’s: Cash flow and fear. I’d be taking a pay cut, getting myself into some degree
of debt with the whole student loan thing AND there is the whole question of just
how vulnerable I am willing to make myself. One could also consider this a
step backward professionally, albeit it temporary, it would take me a few years
to actually pull together a degree like this.


Much much to think about, no? You might be wondering what is causing this? There
are two driving forces. One, I am really on the fence about my current work
situation and the more I find myself absolutely dreading going to work each day
the more I think to myself “Hrrrm, is life not for living and experimenting?
I’d really rather not be miserable every day for an eternity in the cube
infested shiny box that is my work day.” The second is that to a certain
extent, I have an option I’ve never had before. I am no longer
responsible for anyone else but myself. *GASP*

Yes, this is just NOW becoming a reality. And this, in and of itself, presents
a freedom that I’ve never been able to factor into my decisions before so
it’s a lot exciting (and anxiety provoking) to think about.

Feedback is valued and welcome as always

xo

Proof that the Universe is listening…..

Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of losing someone that meant the world to me from her battle with breast cancer. She was 30 years old when she passed. Even though I only knew her on Earth a few short years, she impacted my life (and everyone around her I know for a fact) indefinitely and I now know her presence in my life set into motion a chain of events that have been teaching me ever since the day I met her.

When she first passed, for about the first year I was very confused and saddened by the entire experience. I spent months in a haze, questioning and agonizing over what felt like yet another loss. Such is the self-absorbed 20-something, so much so that it became somewhat personal and I found myself in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and growth to help guide me through the pain and frustration, because I went from misery to total outrage over the subject for some time to come. Plus, Carin had shared many new experiences with me, drumming circles and sweats and cleansing rituals which I took and ran with and became hungry for any and all things new in the spiritual realm. So I think I kept with that forward motion and used my new found tools to help give me some measure of understanding, or at the very least, soothe the worried soul.

I’ll never forget this, in an effort to comfort me, someone said “God only takes the most beautiful flowers for his own garden.” and I can honestly remember looking at that person with nothing but contempt in my eyes. I know my eyes must’ve been like daggers because that person literally backed away from me as I stiffened against her very well intended hug. At the time, it all seemed cruel and heartless, that “God” would take one of the most brilliantly beautiful people from this Earth away in such a harsh manner. Carin was this gorgeous, loving, generous, warm, compassionate and outragelously kind person. There are so few of this breed in the world (or so I thought) how could “God” do that to her? To us? TO ME! That bastard! Blasphemous I know, but please remember I really was but a child, at the tender age of 23-ish and my mind was still closed to the idea of “God” as I understand him now or that this term could mean so much more than a Christian deity.

Since, I have come to terms with loss of life as part of the cycle and the Universe’s divinity. My relationship with God has blossomed. My memories and thoughts of Carin are wrapped in light and joy. I smile when I think of her every day and even when the pain of missing her comes, I still smile because I know this physical life is temporary and I’ll see her again and if not, she brought so much to this lifetime for me that I feel my spirit will forever be bonded with hers.

As proof that the Universe is listening, I heard a song this morning that I haven’t heard in years. I rarely listen to this station and this morning I just so happened upon it and it brought so many memories flooding back. Memories of all the pain and young angst I experienced during those years after Carin’s passing. Even though this song is very sad and dark, it was where I was at the time and I’ll never forget what it meant to me then. It allowed the tears to come, the external physical manifestation of my heart breaking. The music made it ok for me somehow to weep openly and loudly and I am still, to this day, grateful for it.

Enjoy.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-1295329267/the_offspring_gone_away_official_music_video/

The Offspring, Gone Away

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can’t deal it’s so unfair


And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away


Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would


And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away

Sweet Sweet Carin

I miss you and am thinking of you today. Not just today, every day. I know it was eons ago, but I remember that day well. How you waited for me. The thunderstorms. How I kept blasting the music in my car on the way home to numb the voices in my head and heart. Now, when I think of you I only think of purple and picnic tables and ferrets and freckles. I remember your smile and how you smell and how you hugged me every time like it might be the last time we ever saw each other. I hug everyone I love like that now too. I hope you are not disappointed in me, I hope you know I am just learning and growing like everyone else. I hope someday I’ll see you again and we can laugh at all this silliness, until then I know I love you girl and I will always, always hold you close to my heart.

Sigh…what is a mother to do? He is clearly ill equipped for the ways of the world, he can’t even figure out how to send a money order. I know I need to be patient and tolerant but is it messed up that part of me feels like saying “Hey, you made this choice bit man, you deal with the details.” I can’t do that I know, I just need to listen and apply suggestions gently, rinse and repeat. It’s just hard, he seems SO young still. I know it’s not fair to base his situation on my own but it makes me really nervous that he’s out in the world, supposedly more on his “own” and he doesn’t seem to have the first clue about how to even cash his paycheck. This worries me. I feel it really leaves him open to being taken advantage of. By his dad for one.

It’s really hard to watch your baby learn things the hard way when you have so much information that could save them the grief and only a handful of it they are actually going to listen to. It’s just like sending him off to kindergarten for the first time, except..you know, real adult grown up kindergarten now. The bullies in this class aren’t exactly harmless, teachers can be false in their message or intent and crushes can result in babies.

Let’s all say a prayer for the boy, life can be cruel but I do trust he’ll figure out the basics soon enough.

Funkalicious

I’m in a funky haze these past few weeks. It’s partly my own doing and partly outside influences out of my control. Work has me on edge. I’m concerned about the future and well being of my son. My mother and I aren’t speaking and as much as I’d like to just wash my hands of her and the whole situation, she is my mother and sometimes I feel sentiment about that. It is only natural. Dave and are trying a “dry run” on the home-front and so far it’s ok, but that is yet another change to acclimate to. The fur babies are wonderful but demanding these past few weeks with all the big changes. I spend a lot of time cleaning up puke, pee and poo lately. The house never feels clean and there are pincer bugs everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE despite our best efforts to get them under control. Yik.

These are all real things…yes. However, in and of themselves or even collectively do not a crisis make. Surely we can identify what constitutes actual cause for crisis mode and drama management? It’s not as if I don’t have a fairly accurate historical check list to compare to.

Regardless, I find myself in full on funk mode for about two weeks now. This was after such a wonderful beginning to the summer and what has been a seemingly mild year in the personal soap opera department, for which I am truly thankful.

But I know this: In everyone’s life doth some funk fall.

At least now I can pretty clearly pinpoint my patterns and for whatever reason, the mid and later summer months tend to be big triggers or at the very least, I can look back in time and see a very clear cycle. I even looked back at my blogs of the past several years and sure enough, you will see a pretty large spike in the “oh woe is me” entries from roughly July – September and then again, around the holidays between late November into early January.

So luckily instead of getting all up in arms over the subject, I am now often able to achieve the “ah ha” moment within a week or so of the funkiness and get a handle on it rather then letting it become it’s own raging monster that creates more crisis and drama to be managed. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way when the stuff gets in motion, it’s nuts how it can take me over and all I can say is that I am really appreciative of whatever it is (experience, maturity, education?) that has helped me to identify and try to heal the symptoms before full on disease sets in.

While I am congratulating myself for more self-awareness and growth in this arena, I can’t help but look back and wonder what really is the root cause here? A sort of physiological chicken and the egg theory for myself.

The situations/experiences (environmental or “nurture” in the child care realm) or the biological/chemical (nature)?

Environmental:
The situations and experience from the past (some of which I don’t remember but I instinctively know SOMETHING is there) that cause these great emotional up-heavels a few times per year no matter the current status of my life, that feel a lot like an emotional muscle memory type of thing.

Nature:
Chemical, emotional, biological factors that are cycling along with what has been labeled a number of things throughout my life time but never really have been determined to be one thing or another. Borderline bi-polar? Sure! Clinically depressed? Why not! Chemical imbalance of some unknown region in the brain? Well, duh!

Meaning, it’s certainly no coincidence that during these times of the year I am feeling the funk regardless of what’s going on my life AND it is often during the summer and holiday months there have historically been truly traumatic or consisted of facing extremely challenging life experiences, typically associated with a great deal of loss. Obviously the trauma’s from a younger age were out of my control, but looking back as far back as my early teen years I can clearly see the pattern, some of which I can now see I was responsible for, even if inadvertently so.

Whichever came first, it is something I am getting better at managing over time but it’s during these times when I am clearly “in cycle” that I want to do the work to avoid creating drama’s or feeding potential ones and simply acknowledge it is what it is…emotional, hormonal, chemical, biological. However annoying it might be (feels a little like my body is pushing back on me, which pisses me off because if you can’t trust yourself who CAN you trust *kidding*).

I also know when it is more the physiological stuff is because I become inexplicably apathetic bored, uninspired and generally devoid of any real energy or excitement for life. This once caused me to spiral into a full on depression which would result in self-medication, wreck-less behaviors and being so blue I could barely function.

Right now, real life stuff is occurring all around me but it’s nothing like what the past few years have been like or the traumas from my teen and early childhood years. There is no survival mode at the moment, things are OK. I am safe and loved and the people I love are safe and loved.

Today, as of right now, I am managing it considerably better than I have in past years and this feels like a minor victory, albeit a slightly tiresome one. Some days, when I’m in this place, I wish and wish upon stars that I was one of those “always together” types of women. Perfect hair and body, always on point, capable, brilliant and not burdened with the betrayals of my past or my own body. Even if it is all bullshit and that woman doesn’t really exist, I still want to be her some times.

Then I think about that a bit more carefully and remind myself that I am exactly who I am supposed to be, right now, right here. That thought makes it more tolerable. That and knowing I am with good company on the “awesomely neurotic women” front :

Work Moods

Feeling uber moody about work today.

The meeting with my new supervisor was less than encouraging. Not because of her, I think she’s going to be a good fit as a whole. More so because I had hoped using that meeting as an opportunity to get some of my questions answered gave me the answers I didn’t want to hear.

Let me state, once again for the record that I wasn’t offered this position. I was not asked if I wanted to change career directions completely. It was presented to me more as a “this is what the team needs right now and you are a good fit so this is what you’ll be doing” type of situation and I chose to look at as a step forward, because regardless of title or pay or any of that, I am and have learned a great deal and have realized some strengths I did not know existed within little ole me.

Back to the meeting with R, from what I gather, she was completely unaware of this. Apparently, she was under the impression that “development was not my passion anyway” and that I had applied for the new position. When I mentioned that my title (and associated pay scale) still hadn’t formally changed (which was my way of asking WTF, it’s been almost 6 months) and a job description for this new position hasn’t been identified, I received the standard non-committal manager response: “let’s give it a few more months and make decisions then.”

Nice. De ja vue all over again.

I also asked how my work will be measured this year because my 2009 employee evaluation has goals and a job description on it for 2010 that was for my “developer” skin, not my “build/configuration manager” self and since we have no job description to base my performance on for this year, what will be used as a measuring tool? She said “We’ll evaluate you from this point on” meaning since her start date. Which is not only completely unfair, but doesn’t even make any sense? Does this imply that all of my hard work from the past 6 months, which included a major issue tracking software configuration/migration, a new wiki config/migration and learning how to manage the builds don’t matter? That is complete bullshit. I have to believe that can’t be true, that these things MUST be taken into consideration because they are HUGE for our department. And not once, not even once did I complain about the long hours or the constant bitching and moaning from all staff (trust me, these new apps are not kitten like when it comes to configuration, talking to other applications and not at all intuitive when it comes to end user product) and having to chase down the project managers on a regular basis to get them to follow up with what they say they are going to do so we can get a damn build put together. Or having to train, remind, and generally babysit most of the staff with regards to this process over and over and over again.

I sure as hell am not getting paid like a manager, why should I have to behave like one?

Sorry…..that was childish. I am feeling childish today, like I want to throw a tantrum.

Not to mention I was told that development would be completely taken off my plate?

Huh? WHAT?

*chirp chirp*

I expected this to some degree, but completely 100%? Excuse me? Does anyone give a flying EFF about what I think or how I might feel about the last 10 years of my career being completely null and void at this point because I’ve been taken SO far out of the development loop by this transition in my position that if I wanted to return to development, I would have to go back to school and hello, if you don’t use it, you loose it. Programming is very much like that, you forget syntax and formulas and standards. This is a big deal to me, even if my company could give a crap.

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR

That said, let me allow my more diplomatic, team player side take over for a minute and put the selfish, impatient child on the back burner for a minute…..

1) This position needed to be filled for the sake of the team and I do work with a solid group of people, so when you are called on, you step up to the plate. I am not the first or last to take one for the team in this group.

2) I am gaining valuable experience and in theory, I am being groomed to be a manager in some capacity.

3) These things take time. Of course the company wants to see how it all fits because such a change in my title will be reflected in my paycheck as clearly the increase in responsibility is significant. Let’s not forget, this is Corporate America people, what matters first and foremost is their bottom line and they have to be cautious.

4) Doing development on top of my current job duties would be not only distracting but I’m not sure how realistic it is to expect this position to turn over issues in a timely manner. As it stands, this position is very demanding.

5) The training and all that, it’s part of the deal and there are worse things then being the knowledge bank for a specific aspect of your team’s process. I am replaceable yes, but they would be hard-pressed to fill the position as quickly as it would need to be in order to continue functioning normally.

6) I am good at this. It is a fact. My technical background that has spanned 15 years or so now gives me the background I need to do this job well. I am attentive to detail. I play well with others. I am a task master that is comfortable chasing people down to get what I need from them to do my job, which in turn keeps everyone involved accountable. I can see the big picture and am becoming very adept at managing the micro to the macro and back again in relation to how this company operates and what the needs of its customers are. I am loyal, I work hard and I care about the quality of my work and my team-members. Blah blah blah.

I think the question now is how do I navigate this effectively? Right now, I am totally pissed off. Pissed off at the company for putting me in this position. Pissed of that my new manager and I have to stumble through this together. The uncertainty makes me crazy. The feeling like there is no acknowledgement of any kind, one way or the other. I have days where I know I should probably be updating my resume and looking and others where I feel like I’d be a fool to leave the company over something that is probably resolveable. I just don’t know how to go about resolving it.

First, I probably need to identify what the real issue is here. I can’t just go to my superiors and say “Hey, I feel like I am being totally jacked around here, wtf!”

I’ll think on that for a while. Suggestions, are more than welcome.

Bailey & Bella

A few things I can tell you about Bella:

- She was born on May 12th 2010.
- She is a faun "Chug" mix puppy with the same parents as Bailey.
- As of her 10th week, she weight 5.5 lbs, she weighed about 1 lb at birth.
- Bella & Bailey are approximately 15 months apart in age.
- I think Bella will end up being a bigger dog then Bailey, she is already growing very fast and has much bigger paws then Bailey did at this age.
- Her appetite is ravenous and she will climb over hell and high-water for a nibble of anything. Yes, she’s being fed enough and no, she does not have worms.
- Bella is proof that pugs are born moochers. We’ve considered renaming her “Minnie the Moocher” – The fridge opens, they are both there. If I am cooking they are patiently waiting for anything and everything that might fall in the process. If we are eating anything out of a bowl, it is fair game and you’d better watch out if they are on the couch next to you. This goes for anything that MIGHT be food as well, when I am washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, dusting, brushing my teeth… all of these things are apparently cause for begging. Makes sense to me.
- Bella is also proof that pugs are about the most curious dogs I’ve ever known. They want to know where I am, what I am doing and how long it will be before I be feeding/playing/snuggling them.
- She doesn’t like it when I leave the room. Period. She follows me everywhere and hates being left in her crate alone. I have considered leaving them in Bailey’s big girl “house” while I am gone to help soothe Bella since they sleep in there together at night, but I am firm on the crate training individually thing. They need some sense of independence and separation and frankly, Bailey needs a break from the constant demands of her little sister.
- Bella does not quite know what to think about the cats. She tilts her head in wonderment and awe. Meanwhile, Pumpkin absolutely hates her (and everyone else except me, so it’s not personal) and Gaia glares and disapproves silently from her perch.
- She is friendly, loves everyone, but has a bit of trepidation about strangers and new comers. She loves Dave, her tail wags so hard when she gives him kisses it’s kind of pathetic. I think she’s a big ole suck up personally.
- She likes to play with squeaky toys (with no fluff, very dangerous for pugs, especially puppies) sticks, chewy bones, carrots, my flip flops, my fingers, my nose, my hair and Dave’s sunglasses.
- Bella is not scared of loud noises like thunderstorms or firecrackers but if the cat meows, Dave is on the phone or if I say something to her in my “Pug Voice”, she stops in her tracks and tilts her head for a better listen.
- Potty training is slow go, but we are getting there. What I want to know is how much can that little body poo and pee in a day? I mean really, it’s like a constant flow.
- Bella trots like a show dog. Very happy bounce in that one’s step at all times.

I’m sure more will present itself in time, for now though I will move onto the interactions amongst the two critters:

- Bella follows Bailey every where.
- Bailey follows me every where and has since day one.
- If Bailey is out of range for any reason at all, she’s immediately on the scene if Gaia gets to close to the puppy.
- Bailey is unexpectedly maternal and nurturing. I am not surprised because she is kind and sweet, but she really has taken a shine to this little Bella and wants to be sure she’s got her eye on the little one at all times. For example, Bella was trying desperately to retrieve a toy from her crate through the side of the crate, via the bars that separate the door and crate liner. Bella gave this a few tries and began whining because she couldn’t reach it, Bailey watching her the whole time. After several minutes of this nonsense, Bailey calmly went into the crate (through the door, DUH PUPPY HELLO!) picked up the toy with her teeth, walked out of the crate and dropped it in front of Bella, looked at the toy, looked at Bella and barked. I was SHOCKED, not only because I was like holy crap Bailey is SMART but also b/c it was obviously a “hey, this is how you do it” or “awww baby, I will take care of you” - so I’ve been watching for more of this behavior and let me tell you, it is heavily engrained in their interaction. Bailey momming Bella and Bella watching everything Bailey does for guidance and cues on how to behave.
- I’ve also noticed a more protective stance from Bailey when it comes to other dog SOUNDS, not actually meeting other dogs because they both do great with other dogs after the appropriate amount of sniffing and sizing each other up. However, if there are disembodied dog sounds or a dog on the TV, Bailey flips her top. Example: If we are watching a movie with dogs on it, barking or what have you, she stands in front of Bella, poofs up in her “I’m going to kick your ass” posture (which is not at all the threatening, poor thing) and does this gruff sounding RRRRRFRFFFFFFFF RRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Same goes for dogs walking by the house that may bark or pant to loudly.
- They lay exactly the same. They tilt their heads exactly the same time at the same sounds. Their tails curl and uncurl depending on their emotions and energy levels and almost in synchronicity depending on what’s happening. They both hate the water and there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, they won’t do for food or lots of praise from momma. Praise works great, but they are always looking for the food while I’m praising 
- Amongst other things, Bailey uses her rear end as a means of enforcement. If Bella is on her last nerve, Bailey will sit on her. If they are on the couch and she’s had enough puppy for one day, she pushes Bella off the couch with her rear end. If Bella is horning in on Bailey’s love time with Mom, rear-end in the face. Thus the reason they can’t sleep in the bed yet, I have visions of puppies being pushed off the bed in the middle of the night. Once Bella is big enough to use the puppy stairs, we’ll be alright but until then, I think it is in everyone’s best interest if I make sure no one is “accidentally” booted off the bed/couch. How’s that for passive aggressive.

I think the most important thing I can say about my baby girls is that I’m in love with them and adding Bella to our family has had exactly the outcomes I’d hoped for. Bailey is more stimulated, getting more exercise and seems to be taking this job very seriously and Bella is soft and awesome as puppies generally are. As for me, I get nothing but joy from the whole experience (sans the excessive poo wiping) and I make sure to get time with both of them together and individually. I will say, I do miss my lazy quiet naps with Bailey cuddled up on me. I do feel a little disconnected from her, but it will come through in time I am sure of it.

More pics soon to come.

XO

Baby Boys Turn Into Big Boys

Max left Saturday July 3rd. It wasn’t as traumatic sending him off this time around, admittedly a tear was shed and his absence is notable but it all feels ok. I learned from this visit that Max is searching and developing into the man he’s going to be and I like him a whole more than I did this time last year. His company is much more appreciated when he is not acting out against every thing I do and though there were a few insults hurled, I learned they are only used in case of emergency, when he feels on the defense (a gift from dad no doubt) and cornered. Which naturally, any 17 year old becomes when he receives unsolicited comments/thoughts/suggestions from a mother he no longer believes has any kind of influence over him. Silly child, doesn’t he know how a mother’s love endures the passage of time and distance alike? So does all the dysfunction, but hey no one said motherhood was designed for perfection, even if society demands something that cannot exist in one singular human being.

I also learned that Max believes he is now an adult and on his own and is making decisions accordingly. He’s not going to return to high school for his senior year. Apparently he’s got a job waiting for him in WY with a company truck and making a decent wage for that kind of work even by CO standards and WY pays crap so I’m not 100% sure I am buying this story. He has grand plans of saving money to move into his own place by the end of summer and much of what I heard was him still defending his choices (even though I’ve long since stopped asking him too) and trying to get it across to me how much better everything is for him there. Sometimes it feels like a dig, sometimes I KNOW it is a dig at me with some of the things he says and I nod and listen and ask questions in the appropriate spots because the reality is here people, the boy is going to be 18 in about 2 months and after that, not much can be done in the eyes of the law. So pleading with him to finish his senior year or even letting him know the obvious (that I am not exactly pleased with his choice, but I’m not surprised either) isn’t going to do anyone any good and would mostly serve to irritate us both. I am not helpless in the situation and I know that, but I also believe it is best to give him space and time to figure this out. I let him know I don’t totally understand his choice to drop out of school and begin working right away without at least getting his GED and starting some kind of vocational training. He then went right into how he’s planning on coming to CO and going to Red Rocks for big diesel and getting an apartment here and so on and so forth. So it really depends on the time of day you talk to him and how much sleep he got the night before because he’s so scatter brained about the whole thing he doesn’t know WHAT he’s doing, he just knows what he wants (a running vehicle, his own cash, his own place, etc..) and he see’s a way to achieve that in the short term. Youth is SO wasted on the young.

There may have been a time when I would be up in arms over this decision and gotten pretty heated in these discussions with him but it’s amazing what kind of perspective a mom might gain from some time apart from her offspring. Enough to fully realize that he is a person full of his own thoughts and dreams and hopes and aspirations, even in all of its short sightedness. For now anyway, he’ll figure it all out eventually and the biggest, most important piece for me is that I find myself not worried about him. Of course I worry that he’s not getting his kidney’s checked regularly or going to the dentist or who knows what exactly he’s consuming on a regular basis (more on that in a minute) but I can see it, he’s going to be ok and I know my nagging him or giving him the disapproving lecture about his future and all that crap that adults do to kids isn’t going to change a thing. He’s struggling to mature and learn who he is.

I see him, for the first time ever, as someone completely separate from me. It’s clear he also feels this way about me as I don’t feel nearly as harshly judged by him either. We almost seem to mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors toward each other in the respect department and I tell you, it is liberation of spirit and years of pent up energy. Sadly, it took us being separated so violently for this to be discovered so clearly, but here it is now and I’m going to embrace it for what it is now and let the rest go.

Apart from a few nights and lunches together, I saw very little of him but enough to know that he’s doing ok in this new skin and life of his. And so am I.

He is still a bit of a man boy though, I mean he still needs me to buy him board shorts and shoes for cripes sake, but Mom’s….they are good for SOME things right J

I also had the opportunity to meet several of his friends whom I find to be a pretty fine group of youngsters. Ranging in age from 17 – 21, they are all interesting and communicative and testing the waters in their own lives and I enjoyed them allowing me a small glimpse into their lives.

That said, the boy came home hungover more than once and is open about smoking cigarettes and pot. The pot, I could care less about. Who hasn’t hit the ganja at least a few times in their life time? The cigarettes I could do without and I took the hangovers as opportunity to discuss with him the addiction issues on both sides of his family (did my best not to lecture him) and shared with him my own experiences in this area as well as the food stuff (it’s all related) which he’s no dummy, he already knew all this and I think it was a really good conversation. He was very receptive to the discussion and I felt some sense of relief in knowing that the dialogue is open between us as I suspect he’s going to keep experimenting and I want their to be an openness between us on the subject so I can keep an eye on him in that regard. I have a keen sense and enough experience to know if he’s taking things to far.

Physically he’s definitely all “dood” now. Hairy and sweaty and big vein arms and hands. He’s also extremely tan because he’s taken to his father’s propensity for avoiding wearing a shirt whenever possible. The hair is also ultra blonde from all the sun exposure. I always told him he’s a California boy to the core and he would giggle, but now he tells everyone the same thing which makes me laugh.

And to answer everyone’s questions, yes…he asked to stay with me should he move back to Colorado. It would be a short term thing, though I am realistic about what “short term” means. He is not I don’t think, but I think it’s good for him to know that he needs to be on task and focused. I flat out told him that I will be happy to help him while he’s in school, but I’m not sure what my “help” looks like otherwise. I reassured him that obviously, if he’s in a dire situation I’m going to help him out and he’s always got a place to stay and a hot meal at my house, but I did kinda draw the line otherwise. I think he needs to know I am here for him always, but I’m not going to coddle him through all of this either. What a funny balance that is going to be! We’ll see, I believe in my heart he and I will work through all of this quite well. I have a lot of faith and hope in the boy, he’s done me proud and while I’m not 100% cool with some of his choices, I am 100% PROUD of who he is.

More soon about the pupps!
LOVE YOU ALL
S

Finally, some pics!

New Glasses

I SEE THE LIGHT :)

How do the weeks pass me by so quickly these days? I can’t quite figure it out but here I am, ditching work for a minute to write and catch my breath. I’m working way too much. Or is my job working ME too much? These new responsibilities are keeping me up at night less and less though, so that is a plus. I’m looking forward to a week off, that’s for certain. I intend to be selfish with it. Playing with the puppy, taking Max to movies I want to see (Toy Story 3 just came out – HOOORAH!) eating cheese and hanging out with my mom and the boyfriend. Simple bliss is the best bliss in my opinion. Next year, maybe I’ll go on a big vacation. Right now, homebound works just fine for me. As long as I am allowed to indulge in my selfishness, which I am so it works out great.

Max is a strange hybrid of man/boy that I don’t totally recognize. I’d say he leans more toward the man side, but occasionally boy pops out and surprises you. Example: He discuss openly many adult-ish decisions he’s considering with me, including possibley dropping out of high school and getting his GED so that he may persue working and/or some kind of vocational training yet he still eats peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Any mature adult would know that you should always at least use a spoon, jeesh.

Another example? Last night he didn’t get home until almost midnight and this morning he called to ask me if he should cook the pizza on the top or medium shelf in the oven.

At this rate, it’s a wonder any of us grow up and can actually cook for ourselves. I swear I taught this child how to cook. Well, I tried anyway.

It’s quite interesting, this new animal. I like it. It’s not like any other relationship. He talks to me now. About real things, about things going on his life and how he feels about things. That’s an unexpected result from 6 months of separation. He’s also obviously much more independent, but it’s more than that…capable? I think that’s it, he’s able to get himself around and make decisions without consulting me (managing a frozen pizza excluded) and he doesn’t really ask for much of anything. Oh and he seems to have a much more real-world perspective on the actual value of a dollar. He’s helpful and respectful and other then him putting his disgusting sweaty man feet on me the other, not a snarky incident has occurred. It was tense at first, he seemed very withdrawn. He has opened up considerabley this week, that’s a good sign.

I am enjoying the time with him, even if it never feels like enough. If I had known work was going to explode in such a demanding way, I may have rescheduled his visit. This is life though and you deal and take what you can get and love it every minute.

The boyfriend has another job possibility. We’ll see how/if that pans out. I’d like to see him be somewhere a bit more positive and less like jail. Work is not jail people, let’s just clarify that please. Wait a second…how many hours did I work last week? Hrm….

The car is lovely. It still smells new inside and doesn’t all feel like mine yet. It’s a pretty drastic change from my sportier car days. Would have been nice to have when Max was in soccer, it holds so much stuff. The gas mileage isn’t stellar, the AWD is though and since I do live where it snows and roads can be dangerous I feel l made a very good choice. Plus, it’s adorable.

Mom is plugging through life. I’m proud of her. This is all very challenging for her I am sure. Funny how having Max here has made me realize that I need to say “no” about some things and she doesn’t like it alll. At first. Then she gets over it and we move on. ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows my friends.

That’s it for now, pics soon…I got a new lappy waiting for me at home. Lots of hard drive space for pictures. I’m so good :)

Promises promises.....

My apologies to the friends and fam, I know I promised you all pics and a recap of Max's visit thus far. What a slacker I am :)

Work is proving challenging during Max's visit (of course) and I am working way to many hours while he is here, but it must be done. Let's just saying I'm working hard for the money...so hard for it honey!

Not to mention lots of prep for the big bbq this weekend, which should result in LOTS of pics and then I'll be on vacation the last week of June/1st of July so I should have some time then to get into the meat of life and life with Max (however brief it may be) AND we'll have new puppykins around that time so I'm sure life is going to speed up long before it slows down again.

Anyway, things are going swimmingly...Max is way to grown up for 17. But it's all good, just another change we all must adapt to, no? The people we love growing and aging I mean.

More to come, promise..thanks to all for your patience.

XO
S