I SEE THE LIGHT :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
How do the weeks pass me by so quickly these days? I can’t quite figure it out but here I am, ditching work for a minute to write and catch my breath. I’m working way too much. Or is my job working ME too much? These new responsibilities are keeping me up at night less and less though, so that is a plus. I’m looking forward to a week off, that’s for certain. I intend to be selfish with it. Playing with the puppy, taking Max to movies I want to see (Toy Story 3 just came out – HOOORAH!) eating cheese and hanging out with my mom and the boyfriend. Simple bliss is the best bliss in my opinion. Next year, maybe I’ll go on a big vacation. Right now, homebound works just fine for me. As long as I am allowed to indulge in my selfishness, which I am so it works out great.
Max is a strange hybrid of man/boy that I don’t totally recognize. I’d say he leans more toward the man side, but occasionally boy pops out and surprises you. Example: He discuss openly many adult-ish decisions he’s considering with me, including possibley dropping out of high school and getting his GED so that he may persue working and/or some kind of vocational training yet he still eats peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Any mature adult would know that you should always at least use a spoon, jeesh.
Another example? Last night he didn’t get home until almost midnight and this morning he called to ask me if he should cook the pizza on the top or medium shelf in the oven.
At this rate, it’s a wonder any of us grow up and can actually cook for ourselves. I swear I taught this child how to cook. Well, I tried anyway.
It’s quite interesting, this new animal. I like it. It’s not like any other relationship. He talks to me now. About real things, about things going on his life and how he feels about things. That’s an unexpected result from 6 months of separation. He’s also obviously much more independent, but it’s more than that…capable? I think that’s it, he’s able to get himself around and make decisions without consulting me (managing a frozen pizza excluded) and he doesn’t really ask for much of anything. Oh and he seems to have a much more real-world perspective on the actual value of a dollar. He’s helpful and respectful and other then him putting his disgusting sweaty man feet on me the other, not a snarky incident has occurred. It was tense at first, he seemed very withdrawn. He has opened up considerabley this week, that’s a good sign.
I am enjoying the time with him, even if it never feels like enough. If I had known work was going to explode in such a demanding way, I may have rescheduled his visit. This is life though and you deal and take what you can get and love it every minute.
The boyfriend has another job possibility. We’ll see how/if that pans out. I’d like to see him be somewhere a bit more positive and less like jail. Work is not jail people, let’s just clarify that please. Wait a second…how many hours did I work last week? Hrm….
The car is lovely. It still smells new inside and doesn’t all feel like mine yet. It’s a pretty drastic change from my sportier car days. Would have been nice to have when Max was in soccer, it holds so much stuff. The gas mileage isn’t stellar, the AWD is though and since I do live where it snows and roads can be dangerous I feel l made a very good choice. Plus, it’s adorable.
Mom is plugging through life. I’m proud of her. This is all very challenging for her I am sure. Funny how having Max here has made me realize that I need to say “no” about some things and she doesn’t like it alll. At first. Then she gets over it and we move on. ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows my friends.
That’s it for now, pics soon…I got a new lappy waiting for me at home. Lots of hard drive space for pictures. I’m so good :)
Max is a strange hybrid of man/boy that I don’t totally recognize. I’d say he leans more toward the man side, but occasionally boy pops out and surprises you. Example: He discuss openly many adult-ish decisions he’s considering with me, including possibley dropping out of high school and getting his GED so that he may persue working and/or some kind of vocational training yet he still eats peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Any mature adult would know that you should always at least use a spoon, jeesh.
Another example? Last night he didn’t get home until almost midnight and this morning he called to ask me if he should cook the pizza on the top or medium shelf in the oven.
At this rate, it’s a wonder any of us grow up and can actually cook for ourselves. I swear I taught this child how to cook. Well, I tried anyway.
It’s quite interesting, this new animal. I like it. It’s not like any other relationship. He talks to me now. About real things, about things going on his life and how he feels about things. That’s an unexpected result from 6 months of separation. He’s also obviously much more independent, but it’s more than that…capable? I think that’s it, he’s able to get himself around and make decisions without consulting me (managing a frozen pizza excluded) and he doesn’t really ask for much of anything. Oh and he seems to have a much more real-world perspective on the actual value of a dollar. He’s helpful and respectful and other then him putting his disgusting sweaty man feet on me the other, not a snarky incident has occurred. It was tense at first, he seemed very withdrawn. He has opened up considerabley this week, that’s a good sign.
I am enjoying the time with him, even if it never feels like enough. If I had known work was going to explode in such a demanding way, I may have rescheduled his visit. This is life though and you deal and take what you can get and love it every minute.
The boyfriend has another job possibility. We’ll see how/if that pans out. I’d like to see him be somewhere a bit more positive and less like jail. Work is not jail people, let’s just clarify that please. Wait a second…how many hours did I work last week? Hrm….
The car is lovely. It still smells new inside and doesn’t all feel like mine yet. It’s a pretty drastic change from my sportier car days. Would have been nice to have when Max was in soccer, it holds so much stuff. The gas mileage isn’t stellar, the AWD is though and since I do live where it snows and roads can be dangerous I feel l made a very good choice. Plus, it’s adorable.
Mom is plugging through life. I’m proud of her. This is all very challenging for her I am sure. Funny how having Max here has made me realize that I need to say “no” about some things and she doesn’t like it alll. At first. Then she gets over it and we move on. ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows my friends.
That’s it for now, pics soon…I got a new lappy waiting for me at home. Lots of hard drive space for pictures. I’m so good :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Promises promises.....
My apologies to the friends and fam, I know I promised you all pics and a recap of Max's visit thus far. What a slacker I am :)
Work is proving challenging during Max's visit (of course) and I am working way to many hours while he is here, but it must be done. Let's just saying I'm working hard for the money...so hard for it honey!
Not to mention lots of prep for the big bbq this weekend, which should result in LOTS of pics and then I'll be on vacation the last week of June/1st of July so I should have some time then to get into the meat of life and life with Max (however brief it may be) AND we'll have new puppykins around that time so I'm sure life is going to speed up long before it slows down again.
Anyway, things are going swimmingly...Max is way to grown up for 17. But it's all good, just another change we all must adapt to, no? The people we love growing and aging I mean.
More to come, promise..thanks to all for your patience.
XO
S
Work is proving challenging during Max's visit (of course) and I am working way to many hours while he is here, but it must be done. Let's just saying I'm working hard for the money...so hard for it honey!
Not to mention lots of prep for the big bbq this weekend, which should result in LOTS of pics and then I'll be on vacation the last week of June/1st of July so I should have some time then to get into the meat of life and life with Max (however brief it may be) AND we'll have new puppykins around that time so I'm sure life is going to speed up long before it slows down again.
Anyway, things are going swimmingly...Max is way to grown up for 17. But it's all good, just another change we all must adapt to, no? The people we love growing and aging I mean.
More to come, promise..thanks to all for your patience.
XO
S
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Bailey Boo Boo
Per MANY requests, I am finally posting some recent pics of Bailey....
PS: New Puppy comes home June 25th, met her the other day...she's just...well she's just painfully cute, it's just wrong really that these things exist in the world, you know? It's like how am I supposed to take things seriously with THAT floating about? Seriously>
PPS: Selling Baby Jetta, bought a new car that I absolutely ADORE...it's like um, well...it's a little bit like being a spoiled brat AND it helps me get my credit back on track. What a good poo poo I am.
PS: New Puppy comes home June 25th, met her the other day...she's just...well she's just painfully cute, it's just wrong really that these things exist in the world, you know? It's like how am I supposed to take things seriously with THAT floating about? Seriously>
PPS: Selling Baby Jetta, bought a new car that I absolutely ADORE...it's like um, well...it's a little bit like being a spoiled brat AND it helps me get my credit back on track. What a good poo poo I am.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Bailey & The Shirt's
Setting:
Warm spring evening, walking Bailey in the local park. Lots of children, lots of other dogs, beautiful tulips blooming everywhere’s.
Players:
Bailey
Bailey’s Lead/Harness
Mom
Red Shirt – adorable chubby dark eyed boy of approximately 8 years of age on pink girl’s bicycle with purple ribbons
Blue Shirt – adorable thin blond boy of approximately 10 years of age on red manly bicycle 3x times to small for his frame (clearly the leader)
Scene 1:
Bailey: Happily trying to walk herself by tugging on her own lead, snorting, sniffing and otherwise being the curious little Chug that she is.
Mom: Enjoying the bright red tulips on the park, listening to the children laughing and playing, gently guiding the wee dog around the park.
Red Shirt: Following Blue Shirt as he circles cement sidewalk that encloses playground equipment/sand pit.
Blue Shirt: Yelling at Red Shirt to hurry it up or they’ll miss the ice cream man.
Scene 2:
Blue Shirt: Spots Bailey and stops dead in his tracks with a look of total shock, mouth open, eyes wide.
Red Shirt: Almost crashes into Blue Shirt and cusses in Spanish.
Bailey: Spots squirrel in tree and Pomeranian across the street and is having difficulty determining which is of more interest.
Mom: Watching the Shirt’s watch Bailey with growing humor.
Scene 3:
Blue Shirt: Says something to Red Shirt.
Red Shirt: Shakes his head and they both eye Bailey.
Bailey & Mom: Stop at a tree so Bailey can assess the damage from previous puppies, Mom watching the Shirt’s, wondering what they are up to.
Blue Shirt: Sprints toward Bailey & Mom.
Red Shirt: Pedals rapidly in tow.
Scene 4:
Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Come to a screeching halt less than a foot away from Mom & Bailey, breathless.
Mom: Tightens Bailey’s lead and is on guard (children and large dogs usually have the best of intentions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t explicitly dangerous to small trusting wiggling bodies.)
Bailey: Finally notices the shirts and looks up to acknowledge that they are there, but is still actively sniffing.
Red Shirt: Timidly asks “What is that?”
Blue Shirt: Less timid “YEAH, what the heck IS that thing?”
Scene 5:
Mom: Laughs and laughs.
Bailey: Sniffs and sniffs.
Blue Shirt: “Is that a HUGE guinea pig?”
Red Shirt: “That’s a guinea pig, I can tell cuz I have one at home.”
Mom: “Actually, it’s a dog, her name is Bailey and she’s a Pug/ Chihuahua mix.”
Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Looking dubious “Can I pet it?”
Mom: Gives the lead a little slack and says “Sure, she’s very nice and loves everyone. Just please be gentle, she’s very small.”
Bailey: Lunges toward the Shirt’s and starts whimpering, shaking her little pig tail and jumping up in absolute glee.
The Shirts: Takes off running, screaming, one of them says “That was the biggest guinea pig I have ever seen, oh my god! Did you see its teeth?”
Mom: Giggling madly, walks Bailey home and reminds her of what audacious little creatures young boys are and that there are far worse things to be mistaken for then a guinea pig.
True story, swear!
Warm spring evening, walking Bailey in the local park. Lots of children, lots of other dogs, beautiful tulips blooming everywhere’s.
Players:
Bailey
Bailey’s Lead/Harness
Mom
Red Shirt – adorable chubby dark eyed boy of approximately 8 years of age on pink girl’s bicycle with purple ribbons
Blue Shirt – adorable thin blond boy of approximately 10 years of age on red manly bicycle 3x times to small for his frame (clearly the leader)
Scene 1:
Bailey: Happily trying to walk herself by tugging on her own lead, snorting, sniffing and otherwise being the curious little Chug that she is.
Mom: Enjoying the bright red tulips on the park, listening to the children laughing and playing, gently guiding the wee dog around the park.
Red Shirt: Following Blue Shirt as he circles cement sidewalk that encloses playground equipment/sand pit.
Blue Shirt: Yelling at Red Shirt to hurry it up or they’ll miss the ice cream man.
Scene 2:
Blue Shirt: Spots Bailey and stops dead in his tracks with a look of total shock, mouth open, eyes wide.
Red Shirt: Almost crashes into Blue Shirt and cusses in Spanish.
Bailey: Spots squirrel in tree and Pomeranian across the street and is having difficulty determining which is of more interest.
Mom: Watching the Shirt’s watch Bailey with growing humor.
Scene 3:
Blue Shirt: Says something to Red Shirt.
Red Shirt: Shakes his head and they both eye Bailey.
Bailey & Mom: Stop at a tree so Bailey can assess the damage from previous puppies, Mom watching the Shirt’s, wondering what they are up to.
Blue Shirt: Sprints toward Bailey & Mom.
Red Shirt: Pedals rapidly in tow.
Scene 4:
Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Come to a screeching halt less than a foot away from Mom & Bailey, breathless.
Mom: Tightens Bailey’s lead and is on guard (children and large dogs usually have the best of intentions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t explicitly dangerous to small trusting wiggling bodies.)
Bailey: Finally notices the shirts and looks up to acknowledge that they are there, but is still actively sniffing.
Red Shirt: Timidly asks “What is that?”
Blue Shirt: Less timid “YEAH, what the heck IS that thing?”
Scene 5:
Mom: Laughs and laughs.
Bailey: Sniffs and sniffs.
Blue Shirt: “Is that a HUGE guinea pig?”
Red Shirt: “That’s a guinea pig, I can tell cuz I have one at home.”
Mom: “Actually, it’s a dog, her name is Bailey and she’s a Pug/ Chihuahua mix.”
Blue Shirt & Red Shirt: Looking dubious “Can I pet it?”
Mom: Gives the lead a little slack and says “Sure, she’s very nice and loves everyone. Just please be gentle, she’s very small.”
Bailey: Lunges toward the Shirt’s and starts whimpering, shaking her little pig tail and jumping up in absolute glee.
The Shirts: Takes off running, screaming, one of them says “That was the biggest guinea pig I have ever seen, oh my god! Did you see its teeth?”
Mom: Giggling madly, walks Bailey home and reminds her of what audacious little creatures young boys are and that there are far worse things to be mistaken for then a guinea pig.
True story, swear!
Friday, April 23, 2010
guess what guess what guess what guess what?
The puppy gods have shined upon me!
Bailey is getting a sister. Her momma had another litter on Wednesday with the same poppie, there are 2 fawn females and 3 black (2 female, 1 male) and I have requested a fawn female. Apparently, I’m at the top of the list so I have a good chance of getting this little girl and even though they aren’t litter mates, Bailey will soon be joined by her very own sister approximately one year after I got the little Bailey Boo Boo’s.
For those of you who don’t what the fawn coloring is, here is a sample, on the right:
You’ll notice the little black one on the left? That’s how Bailey was as a puppers, can we IMAGINE how cute our new little puppasarous is going to be?
I am giddy with excitement. The cuteness truly is almost unbearable.
She won’t be able to come live with us until she is weaned, about 8 - 10 weeks so we are looking at late June or early July. Luckily, Bailey’s momma’s momma cuts my hair, so I’ll get to see our new puggie in about 3 weeks YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
More to come as details unfold.
Bailey is getting a sister. Her momma had another litter on Wednesday with the same poppie, there are 2 fawn females and 3 black (2 female, 1 male) and I have requested a fawn female. Apparently, I’m at the top of the list so I have a good chance of getting this little girl and even though they aren’t litter mates, Bailey will soon be joined by her very own sister approximately one year after I got the little Bailey Boo Boo’s.
For those of you who don’t what the fawn coloring is, here is a sample, on the right:
You’ll notice the little black one on the left? That’s how Bailey was as a puppers, can we IMAGINE how cute our new little puppasarous is going to be?
I am giddy with excitement. The cuteness truly is almost unbearable.
She won’t be able to come live with us until she is weaned, about 8 - 10 weeks so we are looking at late June or early July. Luckily, Bailey’s momma’s momma cuts my hair, so I’ll get to see our new puggie in about 3 weeks YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
More to come as details unfold.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Self-preservation or selfish-ness?
Self-preservation or selfish-ness?
What is the difference between an act of self-preservation and an act of pure selfish-ness? I suppose I should probably know the difference in some innate way, it should be obvious, no?
For me, however, the lines are often blurred because I sometimes struggle with understanding the how’s and why’s of doing what is right and what is right for me. I am equally confused as to why so often, these two things don’t always seem to mesh as well I’d like.
A good example of this is my time and energy. I am so fortunate to have such a lovely base of loving friends, family and colleagues who wish to include me so actively in their lives. I appreciate them all dearly and I do my very best to attend important functions and spend time with each and every one of them individually as often as is possible. There have been times, that I simply cannot commit to much more than I feel I can handle in a given time period. I sometimes find myself so over-scheduled that I end up canceling last minute due to an illness, work demands, familial situations or I just can’t do it all and be present all of the time. These are the times I loose sight of being able to nurture myself and my own needs, which runs me down.
On the flip side, when I don’t commit to social events and one-on-one time with folks, I get this sense that I am not engaging adequately in my relationships with each of these individual groups respectively, which then turns into this sense of inadequacy and that I will suddenly not be liked for doing what I feel is right for me in that moment, and that is very frustrating for me.
I’ve had a few situations in which I know have disappointed folks and have even lost friends as a result of my not being able to give them what they seem to need from me in return. Perhaps I am too selfish with myself and my time these days?
I have taken some time to really reflect on this and a large part of me feels really resentful towards those who have hassled me for not committing or canceling and partly, this causes me to want to withdraw or commit to much activity, because let’s face it, time is a precious commodity and I feel as if I am struggling simply to identify where my time is best being spent and when I am overly committed, it totally squeezes the life out of me and overwhelms me. I also see area’s in which I can improve in this area, perhaps simply by just admitting to myself and others what I have the time and energy for and being ok with that and accepting their reactions for what they are and letting the chips fall where they may.
This may seem valid, but I can tell you that there have been times when I’ve not committed or gone b/c I simply didn’t want to. Is that ok? Is it really? Does this make me some kind of flake because sometimes, I’d just rather be doing what I want to be doing? Somehow, I’ve just never really thought I was that important in the lives of others that they would be pissed off if I didn’t come out this one night or because I’m not going to spend my Saturday at their 2nd cousin’s Saturday morning baby shower? I am always there for the important events, if someone needs me to help them move, I show up. If someone is in the hospital or just broke up with their partner or their dog died or are having problems with their kids or are having an art exhibition or if they simply say, “Sarah, I need you right now.” I’m there. If nothing else, I am old reliable when it comes to the big stuff and I don’t do it because I want something in return, I do it because it’s the right thing to do. That’s what a solid person is to me, the one’s who are there for you when the shit hits the fan and show up on time most of the time even when it’s not hitting the fan.
Energy wise as well, I find myself feeling a little reclusive. There was a time in my life where I had all the energy in the world to engage with individuals on whatever level might be needed and I have always been highly adaptable in that regard. As I get older, maybe I’m just not as resilliant? I don’t know, but I find myself really not having the energy sometimes to do deal with the demands of a certain parental figure or someone I may barely know but seems to suddenly be latching on for dear life. I just feel totally sucked dry sometimes and I can’t help but feel that this isn’t a healthy interaction with another person. I know it’s not because I have relationships that are so seamless, simple and loving at the same time that I never feel taxed by them. Even the ones in which I have occasional conflict or it’s not always perfect or we bicker like children, we all hurt each other sometimes and make mistakes, but I do know now that this is a part of loving someone sometimes.
I also get it that some of this is the natural growing pains associated with experience and personal growth. Our social needs evolve and change as we evolve and change and what I am finding is that the relationships I find most rewarding are the most flexible and with like minded individuals. I know I am not always an easy person to love, I can be handful at times (my boyfriend can attest to that) and I can be an unintentionally intense and needy person. On the flip side, I also know I have much to offer the people in my life that I clique with and grow with through the years.
I’m kind off track with all of that but it is related because I often find myself feeling guilty when I don’t put the needs of others before my own and then resentful when my own needs fall by the wayside because I’m out taking care of someone else.
Some of what has changed for me with Max being with his dad is that I am trying to refocus my life and look at what my future goals are and can be. My work has become increasingly demanding and though resistant at first, I now find myself happily plugging along and embracing my new career options. This could be a good fit for me, but I won’t know unless I give it my all and sometimes that means working a lot of hours and as a result, by the time my weekends come along, I’m spent and all I want to do is work on my yard and in my garden, bbq w/ my boyfriend and play with my dog. I don’t want to have company, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to feel like I have to do something after I just spent 50 hours working that week if I don’t’ feel like it. This is when I feel selfish, right here. Like I deserve to just do what I want after working all week and damned whomever can’t appreciate that.
I love a night out with my girls from time to time, I enjoy having folks over for dinner now and then and I have days where being in downtown Boulder, absorbing all the life around me is my idea of a great afternoon. But sometimes, I just need it to be on my terms and I guess I’m not always sure how to graciously let folks know that I am just not that social butterfly I once was and I am pretty content for the most part, just being at home, in my environment, nurturing myself and those closest to me.
All I know is that at the end of the day, most of the relationships I have and have had for many years are still the most solid for me and don’t feel overly demanding and I guess those are the ones I’d like to put energy into when I have it. I enjoy meeting new people and if it clicks, right on…but for the most part, I’m pretty settled into my new life at the moment I am loving it and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to nurture that?
The one exception is that every so complicated situation with ma dukes. Especially right now, she really needs me but I find myself feeling REALLY tired sometimes by it all. Resentful almost. I don’t’ know how to manage all of that really, I’m figuring it out as time passes but it’s a good example of my having a difficult time being able to distinguish the difference between selfish-ness and self-preservation. Does it make me a horrible person that sometimes I just don’t care and want to do what I want to do regardless? Maybe, mostly I think it’s me trying to determine healthy boundaries.
I can pinpoint areas in the past where I’ve been totally selfish, my relationship with Max is proof of that in some ways. I’ve let too many people come into my life and totally steal the life right out of me when I should’ve been focusing that life on those who needed it most from me. Perhaps that is another factor here, not wanting to make that mistake again and the fact is, I’m still healing and recovering in some manner from some pretty tough stuff. Much of my energy goes into that healing and I don’t feel guilty about that, not today anyway :)
Not sure if I’ve answered my own question here, lots of random meanderings here I suppose, but I know it’s something on my mind a lot recently and like all things, I’m probably going to be working to balance this issue for the rest of my life.
All for now. peace to you my loved ones.
What is the difference between an act of self-preservation and an act of pure selfish-ness? I suppose I should probably know the difference in some innate way, it should be obvious, no?
For me, however, the lines are often blurred because I sometimes struggle with understanding the how’s and why’s of doing what is right and what is right for me. I am equally confused as to why so often, these two things don’t always seem to mesh as well I’d like.
A good example of this is my time and energy. I am so fortunate to have such a lovely base of loving friends, family and colleagues who wish to include me so actively in their lives. I appreciate them all dearly and I do my very best to attend important functions and spend time with each and every one of them individually as often as is possible. There have been times, that I simply cannot commit to much more than I feel I can handle in a given time period. I sometimes find myself so over-scheduled that I end up canceling last minute due to an illness, work demands, familial situations or I just can’t do it all and be present all of the time. These are the times I loose sight of being able to nurture myself and my own needs, which runs me down.
On the flip side, when I don’t commit to social events and one-on-one time with folks, I get this sense that I am not engaging adequately in my relationships with each of these individual groups respectively, which then turns into this sense of inadequacy and that I will suddenly not be liked for doing what I feel is right for me in that moment, and that is very frustrating for me.
I’ve had a few situations in which I know have disappointed folks and have even lost friends as a result of my not being able to give them what they seem to need from me in return. Perhaps I am too selfish with myself and my time these days?
I have taken some time to really reflect on this and a large part of me feels really resentful towards those who have hassled me for not committing or canceling and partly, this causes me to want to withdraw or commit to much activity, because let’s face it, time is a precious commodity and I feel as if I am struggling simply to identify where my time is best being spent and when I am overly committed, it totally squeezes the life out of me and overwhelms me. I also see area’s in which I can improve in this area, perhaps simply by just admitting to myself and others what I have the time and energy for and being ok with that and accepting their reactions for what they are and letting the chips fall where they may.
This may seem valid, but I can tell you that there have been times when I’ve not committed or gone b/c I simply didn’t want to. Is that ok? Is it really? Does this make me some kind of flake because sometimes, I’d just rather be doing what I want to be doing? Somehow, I’ve just never really thought I was that important in the lives of others that they would be pissed off if I didn’t come out this one night or because I’m not going to spend my Saturday at their 2nd cousin’s Saturday morning baby shower? I am always there for the important events, if someone needs me to help them move, I show up. If someone is in the hospital or just broke up with their partner or their dog died or are having problems with their kids or are having an art exhibition or if they simply say, “Sarah, I need you right now.” I’m there. If nothing else, I am old reliable when it comes to the big stuff and I don’t do it because I want something in return, I do it because it’s the right thing to do. That’s what a solid person is to me, the one’s who are there for you when the shit hits the fan and show up on time most of the time even when it’s not hitting the fan.
Energy wise as well, I find myself feeling a little reclusive. There was a time in my life where I had all the energy in the world to engage with individuals on whatever level might be needed and I have always been highly adaptable in that regard. As I get older, maybe I’m just not as resilliant? I don’t know, but I find myself really not having the energy sometimes to do deal with the demands of a certain parental figure or someone I may barely know but seems to suddenly be latching on for dear life. I just feel totally sucked dry sometimes and I can’t help but feel that this isn’t a healthy interaction with another person. I know it’s not because I have relationships that are so seamless, simple and loving at the same time that I never feel taxed by them. Even the ones in which I have occasional conflict or it’s not always perfect or we bicker like children, we all hurt each other sometimes and make mistakes, but I do know now that this is a part of loving someone sometimes.
I also get it that some of this is the natural growing pains associated with experience and personal growth. Our social needs evolve and change as we evolve and change and what I am finding is that the relationships I find most rewarding are the most flexible and with like minded individuals. I know I am not always an easy person to love, I can be handful at times (my boyfriend can attest to that) and I can be an unintentionally intense and needy person. On the flip side, I also know I have much to offer the people in my life that I clique with and grow with through the years.
I’m kind off track with all of that but it is related because I often find myself feeling guilty when I don’t put the needs of others before my own and then resentful when my own needs fall by the wayside because I’m out taking care of someone else.
Some of what has changed for me with Max being with his dad is that I am trying to refocus my life and look at what my future goals are and can be. My work has become increasingly demanding and though resistant at first, I now find myself happily plugging along and embracing my new career options. This could be a good fit for me, but I won’t know unless I give it my all and sometimes that means working a lot of hours and as a result, by the time my weekends come along, I’m spent and all I want to do is work on my yard and in my garden, bbq w/ my boyfriend and play with my dog. I don’t want to have company, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to feel like I have to do something after I just spent 50 hours working that week if I don’t’ feel like it. This is when I feel selfish, right here. Like I deserve to just do what I want after working all week and damned whomever can’t appreciate that.
I love a night out with my girls from time to time, I enjoy having folks over for dinner now and then and I have days where being in downtown Boulder, absorbing all the life around me is my idea of a great afternoon. But sometimes, I just need it to be on my terms and I guess I’m not always sure how to graciously let folks know that I am just not that social butterfly I once was and I am pretty content for the most part, just being at home, in my environment, nurturing myself and those closest to me.
All I know is that at the end of the day, most of the relationships I have and have had for many years are still the most solid for me and don’t feel overly demanding and I guess those are the ones I’d like to put energy into when I have it. I enjoy meeting new people and if it clicks, right on…but for the most part, I’m pretty settled into my new life at the moment I am loving it and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to nurture that?
The one exception is that every so complicated situation with ma dukes. Especially right now, she really needs me but I find myself feeling REALLY tired sometimes by it all. Resentful almost. I don’t’ know how to manage all of that really, I’m figuring it out as time passes but it’s a good example of my having a difficult time being able to distinguish the difference between selfish-ness and self-preservation. Does it make me a horrible person that sometimes I just don’t care and want to do what I want to do regardless? Maybe, mostly I think it’s me trying to determine healthy boundaries.
I can pinpoint areas in the past where I’ve been totally selfish, my relationship with Max is proof of that in some ways. I’ve let too many people come into my life and totally steal the life right out of me when I should’ve been focusing that life on those who needed it most from me. Perhaps that is another factor here, not wanting to make that mistake again and the fact is, I’m still healing and recovering in some manner from some pretty tough stuff. Much of my energy goes into that healing and I don’t feel guilty about that, not today anyway :)
Not sure if I’ve answered my own question here, lots of random meanderings here I suppose, but I know it’s something on my mind a lot recently and like all things, I’m probably going to be working to balance this issue for the rest of my life.
All for now. peace to you my loved ones.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Super quick….
Work is going good, I decided to view it as an opportunity rather then a challenge. What else can I do? Resistance is futile. Since this decision, getting up and going to work doesn’t feel so hard. It’s a good thing I received the divine attitude shift because I was recently put on yet another large project and predict some serious hours. These things pay off in time, yes?
A contract job fell into my lap out of nowhere, catch is it’s due April 26th which means I’m going to be adding a lot to an already full plate, but hey the extra cash never hurts. Especially considering the fact that Sean claimed Max on his taxes for 2009 and totally screwed me, didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, just did which is his standard method of “communication.” I am filing an extension and am unsure of how to proceed, I have every legal right to claim Max and I can prove that he lived w/ me the majority of the year, but I have to define how much drama is worth the big bucks I’m going to have to pay back if I don’t claim Max. It’s total BS, I am in no hurry for Max to grow up but the day that boy turns 18 will be a celebration for a number of reasons, I can tell you that.
Speaking of the man child, he sounds good, is trying to get school wrapped for the year I think. Only another 6 weeks or so for them, so the heat is on with finals and all I’m sure. I sure hope he passes them ok, I’d hate to see his senior year be harder then is nessisary. We talk pretty regularly, he sounds good, I keep things light as mothers do with teenage boys in this situation. He sent me a recent picture….see below:
In other news, yard work is coming up hot and heavy and the back yard is still a challenge. It’s just MASSIVE and really needs a lot of work in order for it to match the vision in my mind. Which also costs bucks, it doesn’t seem like a lot at first, but I’ve learned from these adventures before that those trips to Home Depot and Youngs Market add up dang quick over the course of a few months. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen w/ the back yard, it needs serious attention and funds of which I don’t have much of at the moment. However, my herb garden sprouts are already going crazy, I’m going to have much herb this spring ha, that sounds funny…medical marijuana is legal in Colorado now though, it’s about damn time if you ask me. My flower bed is already producing forget-me-nots and some strange orange flower I’m not quite familiar. The wild flower mix I choose had about 24 different varieties of flowers and I expect this year I’ll some that didn’t come up last year, it’s like a little surprise every few days, something new poking through.
Ok, back to work….the CFO is here today and I ought to avoid getting busted writing in my blog.
Xo to you all!
S
A contract job fell into my lap out of nowhere, catch is it’s due April 26th which means I’m going to be adding a lot to an already full plate, but hey the extra cash never hurts. Especially considering the fact that Sean claimed Max on his taxes for 2009 and totally screwed me, didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, just did which is his standard method of “communication.” I am filing an extension and am unsure of how to proceed, I have every legal right to claim Max and I can prove that he lived w/ me the majority of the year, but I have to define how much drama is worth the big bucks I’m going to have to pay back if I don’t claim Max. It’s total BS, I am in no hurry for Max to grow up but the day that boy turns 18 will be a celebration for a number of reasons, I can tell you that.
Speaking of the man child, he sounds good, is trying to get school wrapped for the year I think. Only another 6 weeks or so for them, so the heat is on with finals and all I’m sure. I sure hope he passes them ok, I’d hate to see his senior year be harder then is nessisary. We talk pretty regularly, he sounds good, I keep things light as mothers do with teenage boys in this situation. He sent me a recent picture….see below:
In other news, yard work is coming up hot and heavy and the back yard is still a challenge. It’s just MASSIVE and really needs a lot of work in order for it to match the vision in my mind. Which also costs bucks, it doesn’t seem like a lot at first, but I’ve learned from these adventures before that those trips to Home Depot and Youngs Market add up dang quick over the course of a few months. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen w/ the back yard, it needs serious attention and funds of which I don’t have much of at the moment. However, my herb garden sprouts are already going crazy, I’m going to have much herb this spring ha, that sounds funny…medical marijuana is legal in Colorado now though, it’s about damn time if you ask me. My flower bed is already producing forget-me-nots and some strange orange flower I’m not quite familiar. The wild flower mix I choose had about 24 different varieties of flowers and I expect this year I’ll some that didn’t come up last year, it’s like a little surprise every few days, something new poking through.
Ok, back to work….the CFO is here today and I ought to avoid getting busted writing in my blog.
Xo to you all!
S
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Weekly Update
Hmm hmm, let’s see where to begin. I’ll skip the 5+ days I spent with what I now suspect to be the flu b/c it involves a lot of unplesasantness and besides, it is behind me now so who cares? Let’s just say this: I lost 5 lbs, Dave and I bonded over the great almighty porcelean god and questions about whether it was food poisoning aside, I will never eat at a certain salad buffet chain again. Blech.
Spring is most definitely in the air in Colorado. After a few mentionable snow storms in March, April promises to be a glorious example of the beauty that is the cyciclical rebirth of Spring. We could, in theory, still get a ton of snow in April…it’s been known to happen. I remember one in particular, on my mom’s birthday about 5 years ago that snowed us all in (literally) for about 3 days. So it does happen. It is, however, unlikely and even if we do get any snow it will be welcomed (by me at least) because not only does it help to keep this arid climate a bit moister, but it also melts within 24 to 48 hours of the storm b/c it’s rarely cold enough to stick around for long.
Side rant: I don’t understand people who moved to Colorado or choose to live here that bitch about the snow. Its Colorado people, it SNOWS here. Every year, at least 4-5 months out of the year, on average 65+ inces and it is critical to our eco-system. We are already being swallowed by the dessert slowly but surely, if I were these people, I wouldn’t be in to big a hurry to see the snow come to an end. Not to mention the ski dollars that flood our state. Besides, in between the snow it’s typically very mild and I’m sorry, but the occasional inconvenience is totally worth how absolutely wonderous a snow storm is. I’d challenge these people to live in Wisconsin for a winter. Get over it whiners! Suck it up.
Anyway…yes Spring is officially here and it always brings with it such a notable shift in mood it’s hard to ignore. Maybe it’s the playing in my garden (I already have a slew of determined wildflowers poking there ways out of the soil) or it being sunnier later at night so I have more time to walk Bailey or the sitting on the back patio with Dave, sipping wine and bbq-ing food (that’s on the docket for this weekend) or the warmer weather allowing the windows to be open and airing out the house. Mostly, I think it’s the growing stuff. I am all sorts of green-thumbed orientated these days (perhaps it has a little something to do with Farmville, which I am thoroughly hooked on thanks to Paula and my mother) and have all kinds of idea’s about what to grow and there actual for-sight to begin planting seeds now. I am working on an herb garden in 2 containers and will most likely do a few upside down tomato/strawberry plants and if I get real ambitious, I might try to a container full of peppers. The other big project is getting grass to grow consistentily in the back yard. My back yard is enormous, it needs a lot of love but right now I just want to get the grass growing and the lilac bushes in a manageable state. I need some more basic gardening tools, specificially a good pair of clippers, something with an extendable handle will be in order for the lilacs, they are enormous. I have most everything else, though I would like one of those little foam things you kneel on, my knee’s get wrecked after a few hours of kneeling. I also need new gloves, mine from last year are absolutely worthless at this point, there’s a huge hole in the thumb so dirt gets in anyway…what’s the point? Other than of course the fact they have little lady bugs on them and they are adorable. Oh that’s another thing, we have to spray for the wiggy wiggy bugs ASAP. My house was practically infested with ear-wigs (pincerbugs) and of ALL the bugs in the world…this just so happens to be the kind I have a serious aversion to. I won’t be dealing with them in droves again this year, it’s not an option. Neither is the spider problem…that has to be addressed as well, and soon. It was 78 degrees out today, perfect weather for those little buggers and their larvae. Luckily, I got over my whole “oh they are living things and we shouldn’t ever kill a living thing” issue from last Spring. After spending a summer with those little wiggy wiggy bastards literally swarming my kitchen and the suspected brown recluse bite, it’s every man for himself. I highly doubt there is a lack of pincer bugs in the world, based on what I saw last year so I have no qualms whatsoever. As for the spiders, well…I do kinda feel bad about those guys b/c they are really a functional aspect of any good home, they eat all kinds of bugs and it all works out nicely. But when the spider is a real bad ass like a brown recluse or a black widow, it’s time to act. Sorry fella’s (or in the black widow’s case, ladies) but I’d rather avoid an ER visit or a poisoned pet or worse….god, there are a zillion children in my neighborhood and both of my immediate neighbors have very young children, I’d better do my part in protecting them and myself. And Bailey!
Spring and all of its perks really are on the forefront of my mind these days. At work, in between the fires, I daydream about playing in the dirt and helping things to grow. The moist cool soil in between my fingers, the sound of the kids playing on the play ground, Bailey “helping” and watching it all slowly poke up out of the dirt and grow into something colorful and bright and vivid and pleasurable to the many senses. Purrrrr.
I day dream a lot at work lately I’ve found. Maybe it’s b/c Nancy announced last week that she’ll no longer be managing my team and she’ll soon be replaced by someone who is to be her “clone” – which is a totally ridiculous idea. That anyone could fill her shoes, but whatever….it’s a good business move and technically, it’s a promotion for her and it’s not like she’ll be that far away and blah blah blah…all that political correctness aside, I think it sucks big bug butt! I feel totally abandoned, I am having a lot of anxiety about what this means for the team and I know I’m not the only one that is so fiercely loyal to Nancy that it’s difficult to even fathom being managed by someone and then I had the MOTHER of all “this sucks” epiphanies…what if the new manager is a man. Oh dear GOD. It’s very likely, she’s the only female manager out of the 10 or so at our location and she kicks ass at it, but there aren’t that many Nancy’s just laying around you know. Crap. Then I soothed myself by considering that Nancy will be a key factor in the hiring process and she’ll take care of us, she’ll make sure our needs are met b/c on top of having all of her wicked skills and experience, this person will have to embody a certain vibe to manage this motley crew of misfits. No doubt, it takes a “special” kind of manager to look after a group like us. I promised Nancy I would be nice, and I will. Scouts honor. Doesn’t’ mean I have to like it. Hurumph!
I also find myself lately having a really sour puss over the fact that I have all this new responsilibity and yet no one seems to really acknowledge that I’m doing development still AND all the build management, nor has anyone made mention of the fact that everyone now treats me like a manager but here it is, a month later and not a single word about whether my position will change officially OR if I will be compensated accordingly. This week in particular is rough b/c my co-worker R, whom I often work with closely on development projects because basically I back filled her position when they promoted her (5 years ago on March 14th) and I am slowly but surely working up to the same level she’s at in terms of development, is on vacation so I’m getting all of her development issues on top of my work which is fine except there have been 2 production hot fixes to manage in 2 days AND a boat load of issue management tasks to complete, not to mention I’m trying to get this data converted into the new issue management software but am bumping heads BIG time with our 24/7 guys about getting the correct plugins installed with I am totally capable of doing, but process says they are supposed to do it but they are dragging their feet on it big time so I feel a little stuck in the water and damn annoyed by it.
Shew.
That’s when I retreat internally and fantasize about my garden and bbq’s and playing with my puppy and watching the sun go down with the man while sipping wine….Calgon, take me away.
Max news? Not much, we don’t talk much about anything of substance. We talk, in the technical way, a few times a week…but mostly it’s just about this or that or not much of anything and I’ll take it. Makes sense, everyone is settled into their routines and kind of moving on with our lives. Funny how that happens huh? Either I am getting better at managing changes or it’s just what humans do, we go on. Plus, it be stupid of me not to enjoy this time…I feel a little like a kid just graduating high school or something. I want to play and travel and not be responsible for much of anything, I want to try new things and cook and dance and eat and be with the people I love but have time alone too. And I’m doing it. Some days, like last week, I was feeling a lot of resentment toward work and responsibilities, b/c I have this little squeaky wheel of a voice that says “Max is gone, you should do whatever you damn well want!” which if it were up to me, it would mean taking about a year off of being home with my puppy and playing in my garden and taking cooking and dance classes, focusing on my yoga and my body and sleeping. Resting. A lot. just ME ME ME ME….but guess what kids? Life doesn’t work that way. So, I just scowl at my job on those days and get through it and go home and spend my free time doing those things I mentioned and that feels just about perfect. It took me a while, but I’ve finally opened up to the fact that I am adult, for the first time ever, without a kid, happily involved with a great guy, with a decent job that affords me some small luxuries (like seeds and soil and dance classes) so why not just enjoy what you have and mold your life into what you want it to be and still go to work every day, like everyone else….(cuz I don’t want to be like everybody else?) and be happy with it. I’ll get there, some day. Who knows, maybe I should be carefull what I wish for.
Back to the grind cats and kittens, duty calls. More soon, love to you all.
Hmm hmm, let’s see where to begin. I’ll skip the 5+ days I spent with what I now suspect to be the flu b/c it involves a lot of unplesasantness and besides, it is behind me now so who cares? Let’s just say this: I lost 5 lbs, Dave and I bonded over the great almighty porcelean god and questions about whether it was food poisoning aside, I will never eat at a certain salad buffet chain again. Blech.
Spring is most definitely in the air in Colorado. After a few mentionable snow storms in March, April promises to be a glorious example of the beauty that is the cyciclical rebirth of Spring. We could, in theory, still get a ton of snow in April…it’s been known to happen. I remember one in particular, on my mom’s birthday about 5 years ago that snowed us all in (literally) for about 3 days. So it does happen. It is, however, unlikely and even if we do get any snow it will be welcomed (by me at least) because not only does it help to keep this arid climate a bit moister, but it also melts within 24 to 48 hours of the storm b/c it’s rarely cold enough to stick around for long.
Side rant: I don’t understand people who moved to Colorado or choose to live here that bitch about the snow. Its Colorado people, it SNOWS here. Every year, at least 4-5 months out of the year, on average 65+ inces and it is critical to our eco-system. We are already being swallowed by the dessert slowly but surely, if I were these people, I wouldn’t be in to big a hurry to see the snow come to an end. Not to mention the ski dollars that flood our state. Besides, in between the snow it’s typically very mild and I’m sorry, but the occasional inconvenience is totally worth how absolutely wonderous a snow storm is. I’d challenge these people to live in Wisconsin for a winter. Get over it whiners! Suck it up.
Anyway…yes Spring is officially here and it always brings with it such a notable shift in mood it’s hard to ignore. Maybe it’s the playing in my garden (I already have a slew of determined wildflowers poking there ways out of the soil) or it being sunnier later at night so I have more time to walk Bailey or the sitting on the back patio with Dave, sipping wine and bbq-ing food (that’s on the docket for this weekend) or the warmer weather allowing the windows to be open and airing out the house. Mostly, I think it’s the growing stuff. I am all sorts of green-thumbed orientated these days (perhaps it has a little something to do with Farmville, which I am thoroughly hooked on thanks to Paula and my mother) and have all kinds of idea’s about what to grow and there actual for-sight to begin planting seeds now. I am working on an herb garden in 2 containers and will most likely do a few upside down tomato/strawberry plants and if I get real ambitious, I might try to a container full of peppers. The other big project is getting grass to grow consistentily in the back yard. My back yard is enormous, it needs a lot of love but right now I just want to get the grass growing and the lilac bushes in a manageable state. I need some more basic gardening tools, specificially a good pair of clippers, something with an extendable handle will be in order for the lilacs, they are enormous. I have most everything else, though I would like one of those little foam things you kneel on, my knee’s get wrecked after a few hours of kneeling. I also need new gloves, mine from last year are absolutely worthless at this point, there’s a huge hole in the thumb so dirt gets in anyway…what’s the point? Other than of course the fact they have little lady bugs on them and they are adorable. Oh that’s another thing, we have to spray for the wiggy wiggy bugs ASAP. My house was practically infested with ear-wigs (pincerbugs) and of ALL the bugs in the world…this just so happens to be the kind I have a serious aversion to. I won’t be dealing with them in droves again this year, it’s not an option. Neither is the spider problem…that has to be addressed as well, and soon. It was 78 degrees out today, perfect weather for those little buggers and their larvae. Luckily, I got over my whole “oh they are living things and we shouldn’t ever kill a living thing” issue from last Spring. After spending a summer with those little wiggy wiggy bastards literally swarming my kitchen and the suspected brown recluse bite, it’s every man for himself. I highly doubt there is a lack of pincer bugs in the world, based on what I saw last year so I have no qualms whatsoever. As for the spiders, well…I do kinda feel bad about those guys b/c they are really a functional aspect of any good home, they eat all kinds of bugs and it all works out nicely. But when the spider is a real bad ass like a brown recluse or a black widow, it’s time to act. Sorry fella’s (or in the black widow’s case, ladies) but I’d rather avoid an ER visit or a poisoned pet or worse….god, there are a zillion children in my neighborhood and both of my immediate neighbors have very young children, I’d better do my part in protecting them and myself. And Bailey!
Spring and all of its perks really are on the forefront of my mind these days. At work, in between the fires, I daydream about playing in the dirt and helping things to grow. The moist cool soil in between my fingers, the sound of the kids playing on the play ground, Bailey “helping” and watching it all slowly poke up out of the dirt and grow into something colorful and bright and vivid and pleasurable to the many senses. Purrrrr.
I day dream a lot at work lately I’ve found. Maybe it’s b/c Nancy announced last week that she’ll no longer be managing my team and she’ll soon be replaced by someone who is to be her “clone” – which is a totally ridiculous idea. That anyone could fill her shoes, but whatever….it’s a good business move and technically, it’s a promotion for her and it’s not like she’ll be that far away and blah blah blah…all that political correctness aside, I think it sucks big bug butt! I feel totally abandoned, I am having a lot of anxiety about what this means for the team and I know I’m not the only one that is so fiercely loyal to Nancy that it’s difficult to even fathom being managed by someone and then I had the MOTHER of all “this sucks” epiphanies…what if the new manager is a man. Oh dear GOD. It’s very likely, she’s the only female manager out of the 10 or so at our location and she kicks ass at it, but there aren’t that many Nancy’s just laying around you know. Crap. Then I soothed myself by considering that Nancy will be a key factor in the hiring process and she’ll take care of us, she’ll make sure our needs are met b/c on top of having all of her wicked skills and experience, this person will have to embody a certain vibe to manage this motley crew of misfits. No doubt, it takes a “special” kind of manager to look after a group like us. I promised Nancy I would be nice, and I will. Scouts honor. Doesn’t’ mean I have to like it. Hurumph!
I also find myself lately having a really sour puss over the fact that I have all this new responsilibity and yet no one seems to really acknowledge that I’m doing development still AND all the build management, nor has anyone made mention of the fact that everyone now treats me like a manager but here it is, a month later and not a single word about whether my position will change officially OR if I will be compensated accordingly. This week in particular is rough b/c my co-worker R, whom I often work with closely on development projects because basically I back filled her position when they promoted her (5 years ago on March 14th) and I am slowly but surely working up to the same level she’s at in terms of development, is on vacation so I’m getting all of her development issues on top of my work which is fine except there have been 2 production hot fixes to manage in 2 days AND a boat load of issue management tasks to complete, not to mention I’m trying to get this data converted into the new issue management software but am bumping heads BIG time with our 24/7 guys about getting the correct plugins installed with I am totally capable of doing, but process says they are supposed to do it but they are dragging their feet on it big time so I feel a little stuck in the water and damn annoyed by it.
Shew.
That’s when I retreat internally and fantasize about my garden and bbq’s and playing with my puppy and watching the sun go down with the man while sipping wine….Calgon, take me away.
Max news? Not much, we don’t talk much about anything of substance. We talk, in the technical way, a few times a week…but mostly it’s just about this or that or not much of anything and I’ll take it. Makes sense, everyone is settled into their routines and kind of moving on with our lives. Funny how that happens huh? Either I am getting better at managing changes or it’s just what humans do, we go on. Plus, it be stupid of me not to enjoy this time…I feel a little like a kid just graduating high school or something. I want to play and travel and not be responsible for much of anything, I want to try new things and cook and dance and eat and be with the people I love but have time alone too. And I’m doing it. Some days, like last week, I was feeling a lot of resentment toward work and responsibilities, b/c I have this little squeaky wheel of a voice that says “Max is gone, you should do whatever you damn well want!” which if it were up to me, it would mean taking about a year off of being home with my puppy and playing in my garden and taking cooking and dance classes, focusing on my yoga and my body and sleeping. Resting. A lot. just ME ME ME ME….but guess what kids? Life doesn’t work that way. So, I just scowl at my job on those days and get through it and go home and spend my free time doing those things I mentioned and that feels just about perfect. It took me a while, but I’ve finally opened up to the fact that I am adult, for the first time ever, without a kid, happily involved with a great guy, with a decent job that affords me some small luxuries (like seeds and soil and dance classes) so why not just enjoy what you have and mold your life into what you want it to be and still go to work every day, like everyone else….(cuz I don’t want to be like everybody else?) and be happy with it. I’ll get there, some day. Who knows, maybe I should be carefull what I wish for.
Back to the grind cats and kittens, duty calls. More soon, love to you all.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
the eensy weensy spider
I crawled up the spout last week and the rain came and crashed me down, but this week I’m attempting the spout again, not nearly as blindly or terrified as last time. Regardless, the past few weeks have reminded me that I am an emotional eater and when: emotional eating + hormones = ravenous, insatiable Sarah. Luckily, I am more on track these past few days so I am feeling better today, but man I must’ve put down more than a grown man last week. Speaking of grown men and eating, Dave can eat. I tell you, he eats like Max and he’s got 20 years on the kid. It must SUCK to have that metabolism. *glare* Sometimes I find myself jealously sneaking glances at him as he eats whatever and whenever, wondering what that must be like. On the bad days, the days when I want to scarf down a jar of peanut butter using a chocolate bar as the spoon…well those are the days I remember that this body was designed to be curvy and voluptuous and that I have a different body for a reason and I can indulge the beauty of woman hood and that’s a good thing. So what if it means I can’t eat like that, I’m not supposed to. I don’t have a physical job; I don’t need all those calories to sustain myself. Besides, I’d like to see HIM pop a baby out of his bod, that’s something I could (in theory) do that he could never do. Well, maybe a food baby maybe..haha. I am also trying to figure out a way to let him know my concerns about WHAT he eats, namely soda. He consumes gallons of soda a week. I keep trying to tell him that just b/c he’s a big tall guy with the metabolism of a 17 year old boy, that doesn’t mean he’s healthy and soda is SO SO SO nasty. It’s just wrong and he has to give that habit up ASAP. As a former soda addict, I KNOW how hard it is to give stuff up, but it must be done. It’s so detrimental to your body, just icky and wrong. He listens and nods and smiles and then shows up with a gallon sized jug of Pepsi from the convenient store. I could just shake him.
Back to topic, last weeks production build wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked, but it wasn’t really anything I could control. The project managers did a piss poor job of making sure their issues were ready to be moved to production and just waved their hands at me when I tried to verify with them what projects files should be moved to production and I now see why my boss didn’t baby sit the process. She was trying to show these guys that they need to do a better job of approving what issues go to production. I was reassured many times it wasn’t my *fault* which I didn’t feel it was anyway, but hey…we all like reassurance right? Especially when stumbling your way through a high learning curve. So, I’m feeling pretty good about things, though I have days that I’m a little more overwhelmed than others.
In Bailey news, we had our first electronic causality last night. A power supply cord for my laptop. My WORK laptop. The same laptop that they just replaced that same external battery pack oh about….3 months ago. Guess who gets to buy a new one for work. YAY Bailey, awesome. In her defense, it was my stupid fault for leaving it on the floor. Though in MY defense she’s never really chewed on power cords so I had no reason to suspect her. That’s the awesome thing about puppies and baby’s; they sure know how to keep interesting!
Mom is settling into her new apartment well, it’s a cute place. Very manageable for her physically, financially, etc…it’s a good fit. She had St. Paddy’s day feast at my house Fri night and then Dave and I went over there on Sunday and hung pictures and brought her the bed I gave her. I made up the bed for her and had all her pictures and knick knacks hung up in no time flat. In a fleeting moment of vulnerability, she admitted to me that she now sees how I’ve been playing the mother all these years and I saw some teary eyes. Wow. Perhaps this time to herself will shed some light on a lot of underlying things. She is leaning on me obviously, because she needs me right now and that’s ok, I expected it, but I will say that she’s been pleasantly surprising in her respecting of my own space and boundaries as well. Good on her.
Well, this little spider has to get a move on. I have a kazillion chores to do at home and I have to take Bailey on a walk, it’s just TO beautiful not to today. She’ll love it! Till next time, xo.
Back to topic, last weeks production build wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked, but it wasn’t really anything I could control. The project managers did a piss poor job of making sure their issues were ready to be moved to production and just waved their hands at me when I tried to verify with them what projects files should be moved to production and I now see why my boss didn’t baby sit the process. She was trying to show these guys that they need to do a better job of approving what issues go to production. I was reassured many times it wasn’t my *fault* which I didn’t feel it was anyway, but hey…we all like reassurance right? Especially when stumbling your way through a high learning curve. So, I’m feeling pretty good about things, though I have days that I’m a little more overwhelmed than others.
In Bailey news, we had our first electronic causality last night. A power supply cord for my laptop. My WORK laptop. The same laptop that they just replaced that same external battery pack oh about….3 months ago. Guess who gets to buy a new one for work. YAY Bailey, awesome. In her defense, it was my stupid fault for leaving it on the floor. Though in MY defense she’s never really chewed on power cords so I had no reason to suspect her. That’s the awesome thing about puppies and baby’s; they sure know how to keep interesting!
Mom is settling into her new apartment well, it’s a cute place. Very manageable for her physically, financially, etc…it’s a good fit. She had St. Paddy’s day feast at my house Fri night and then Dave and I went over there on Sunday and hung pictures and brought her the bed I gave her. I made up the bed for her and had all her pictures and knick knacks hung up in no time flat. In a fleeting moment of vulnerability, she admitted to me that she now sees how I’ve been playing the mother all these years and I saw some teary eyes. Wow. Perhaps this time to herself will shed some light on a lot of underlying things. She is leaning on me obviously, because she needs me right now and that’s ok, I expected it, but I will say that she’s been pleasantly surprising in her respecting of my own space and boundaries as well. Good on her.
Well, this little spider has to get a move on. I have a kazillion chores to do at home and I have to take Bailey on a walk, it’s just TO beautiful not to today. She’ll love it! Till next time, xo.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Courage To Love
So, I have this puppy right? Her name is Bailey, she’s probably the sweetest most adorable creature to ever walk the face of the Earth. She is kind and loving and innocent like a child. She does not care if I showered that day, if I am having a bad hair day, if I am moody, if I am tired, whether I have baggage or shame, whether my imperfections are showing that day. She does not care about my past, my future or whether I am successful. She does not see me as a “bad“ anything….friend, daughter, sister, lover, mother or employee.
She does not judge me about anything, unless of course I have to scold her for some reason, then I have committed a horrible atrocity against animal kind and this is made evident by the droopy ears and downward facing eyes as her head rest on her paws. Because you see, the worst thing I can do is tell her “no” and even, she gets over it pretty quickly. In no time flat she’s licking, wiggling her tail, ready to play and be held again.
All she sees in me is someone to love and someone who loves her in return. It’s that simple to her. She is not haunted by past emotional disappointments, she does not know that humans can be lost and hurt each other both intentionally and unintentionally, she does not feel despair about the state of our world.
She simply lives for the moment. Completely and totally. Sometimes the moment might include noms of some kind, a new squeaky toy, a kitty to chase and play with or a new canine friend to sniff butts with. It’s not that hard for her, there’s no fear in her love for anything or anyone. She just dives right in with totally unbridled abandon, ears a’flopping and tail a wagging. It’s unconditional.
I protect this virtue in her like it’s the Hope Diamond because to me, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Her world is limited to me, our cats and a select few humans and 4 legged creatures alike. Selfish? Maybe, but why even risk soiling such a lovely thing as she?
I think to myself, Max must’ve been this way at some point. I was young and inexperienced, I don’t really remember seeing this in him, though I’m sure it existed, because I see it in all children of a certain. I didn’t yet possess the ability to appreciate the moments with him when he was a small child, though if I squeeze my eyes real tight and click my heels together, I can vaguely remember moments of unabashed mother/son bonding that was all about his innocence and unconditional love and mine too. It is true that I see Bailey as my baby, especially since my human baby is off in the world, experiencing life without me. Somehow, Bailey has given me insights into life in general and something about her makes me think of my son an awful lot. Don’t tell him though, he may not appreciate being in the same league as a “dog” – but even he would agree, Bailey is much more than a “dog.” The fact that everyone who meets her instantly falls in love (even a tried and true dog disliker-er LOL) is a testament to how special she is.
I could wax on for hours about her and how amazing I think she is, because that much is plainly obvious. But my message is this:
We could all learn a lot from the likes of Bailey. About how to love without fear, how to live in the moment, how to forgive quickly and be ready to play at a moments notice. And…never to underestimate the irresistible charm of a soft, sweet, googely eyed friend for they are unfettered by your idiot behavior, all they want to do is love you.
Now if only I had the courage to love the way she does. And, in that same note, love HER the same way she loves me because I have brief flashes of panic and fear. My little feelers get triggered in a big way and I feel scared, really truly scared. Not because she does not deserve all the love in the world, but because I am afraid my heart will break if something happens to her and the tears well just thinking about it, so I don’t and I push the thoughts out of my mind and trust the Universe that whatever happens, it will all be ok.
She does not judge me about anything, unless of course I have to scold her for some reason, then I have committed a horrible atrocity against animal kind and this is made evident by the droopy ears and downward facing eyes as her head rest on her paws. Because you see, the worst thing I can do is tell her “no” and even, she gets over it pretty quickly. In no time flat she’s licking, wiggling her tail, ready to play and be held again.
All she sees in me is someone to love and someone who loves her in return. It’s that simple to her. She is not haunted by past emotional disappointments, she does not know that humans can be lost and hurt each other both intentionally and unintentionally, she does not feel despair about the state of our world.
She simply lives for the moment. Completely and totally. Sometimes the moment might include noms of some kind, a new squeaky toy, a kitty to chase and play with or a new canine friend to sniff butts with. It’s not that hard for her, there’s no fear in her love for anything or anyone. She just dives right in with totally unbridled abandon, ears a’flopping and tail a wagging. It’s unconditional.
I protect this virtue in her like it’s the Hope Diamond because to me, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Her world is limited to me, our cats and a select few humans and 4 legged creatures alike. Selfish? Maybe, but why even risk soiling such a lovely thing as she?
I think to myself, Max must’ve been this way at some point. I was young and inexperienced, I don’t really remember seeing this in him, though I’m sure it existed, because I see it in all children of a certain. I didn’t yet possess the ability to appreciate the moments with him when he was a small child, though if I squeeze my eyes real tight and click my heels together, I can vaguely remember moments of unabashed mother/son bonding that was all about his innocence and unconditional love and mine too. It is true that I see Bailey as my baby, especially since my human baby is off in the world, experiencing life without me. Somehow, Bailey has given me insights into life in general and something about her makes me think of my son an awful lot. Don’t tell him though, he may not appreciate being in the same league as a “dog” – but even he would agree, Bailey is much more than a “dog.” The fact that everyone who meets her instantly falls in love (even a tried and true dog disliker-er LOL) is a testament to how special she is.
I could wax on for hours about her and how amazing I think she is, because that much is plainly obvious. But my message is this:
We could all learn a lot from the likes of Bailey. About how to love without fear, how to live in the moment, how to forgive quickly and be ready to play at a moments notice. And…never to underestimate the irresistible charm of a soft, sweet, googely eyed friend for they are unfettered by your idiot behavior, all they want to do is love you.
Now if only I had the courage to love the way she does. And, in that same note, love HER the same way she loves me because I have brief flashes of panic and fear. My little feelers get triggered in a big way and I feel scared, really truly scared. Not because she does not deserve all the love in the world, but because I am afraid my heart will break if something happens to her and the tears well just thinking about it, so I don’t and I push the thoughts out of my mind and trust the Universe that whatever happens, it will all be ok.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Hmmm, time for an updated I suppose eh? Well, I’ll do my best….
Max:
We talk regularly. He seems ok, but I never really know what’s going on which I guess is part of the deal when the baby bird leaves the nest? He is a young man getting to the age where he’s not going to be telling the momma bear all that much to begin with so you KNOW there’s something of interest going on out there that he’s not sharing. Not to mention, I have strong reason to suspect (based on recent conversations) that there isn’t a whole lot of supervision if any at all. In recent weeks he has divulged that he’s gotten a traffic violation that will reap a hefty fine, which he doesn’t have a job to pay for, that he’s failing 3 classes and that he’s spending most nights at his cousin Robin’s house rather than at his dad’s house to which he proudly proclaims “We haven’t done anything TOO stupid yet mom, don’t worry. Robin is 21, he knows what he’s doing”. To which my internal mother voice is screaming “What the hell does that mean, NO ONE knows what they are doing at 21? And is having someone who is legal to purchase alchohol a GOOD thing AND this is where you are spending your time regularly and that’s a GOOD thing?” But I keep her voice quiet, because it’s a dance you know. This whole mothering from afar, it’s definitely an exercise in self control. It’s concerning stuff I know, and while I fear he’s heading toward a downward spiral with out anyone really being there to hold him accountable, I am not loosing hope. That wouldn’t be very motherly now would it? Besides, I believe in him. Plus, if he does fall down? Well, sometimes that’s how it goes when you are a youngster striking out on his own without a lot of supervision. I do worry from time to time that he might do something that might land him in trouble that only he can get himself out of, because no one wants to see that for him. Except, that I’ve had to accept that this is the potential reality and it just might be how he has to learn. I’ll still love him no matter what, he’ll still have a home life with me (even if he can’t live with me if that makes sense) and I would leave him at the mercy of the world without at least someone to talk to and love him the best that I can. Let’s all cross our fingers.
Work:
Wow, work is really…uh complicated at the moment I guess. I am acclimating to my duties and finding that I enjoy them because I’m good at them and I know what I’m doing. I am pretty capable of managing data and files and systems quite well, people? Not so much, but I am learning about how my new duties (as assigned depending on the day LOL) require me to interact with the project managers and ITC’s. So far, I haven’t really blown anything up, and that’s a good sign. Our first production build is tomorrow and I’ve done all that has been requested of me successfully without looking like a fool and really having very little questions because as a developer, I know the applications and code intimately so I have a good idea of what needs to happen .
The data conversion from our previous issue management software is going to be a dog. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m certain that if you fail to learn the lessons of this life, there is a special nerd hell in which you must perform data conversions from out dated systems and structures to shiny new systems and structures and they don’t talk to each nicely at all, so you sit in cube hell and sweat and agonize over mapping the data to the new system forever and it never really quite works out without some kind of manual data manipulations and those data manipulations never really quite work out as expected either so sometimes, but not always, you have to start all over again. Side note: Bill Gates will be there, micro managing and hovering, laughing his fool head off and telling us how we just need to upgrade this and patch that and no, we aren’t allowed to customize unless it’s to MS standard (which changes constantly and no one ever truly knows who is the official authority on this standard) and he’ll have big scary clown shoes on and enormous glasses that make his eyes bug out. Yes, that is my idea of hell.
I am also having some strong internal whisperings about whether this is what I really want and am I comfortable with being pulled out so suddenly of the development realm. I am also a little…well, I feel a little pissed off that I wasn’t really approached about whether this was something I even wanted to take on or would I be interested or anything else in any kind of formal way. It kind of feels like it’s just being dumped on me and here I’ll have massive quantities of responsibility and will be privy to meetings, information and access to everything and anything that only project managers do. In theory, I am now a manager of some kind. Except, so far, still no one has taken me aside and indicated what any of this really means for me in terms of my position in the organization. Which begs so many questions about my future there, like is this going to be my full time position? Is this a promotion? Does anyone care that I was hired to be a developer and suddenly I’m thrown into something much higher level in terms of accountability and responsibility and I’m still making a Jr. Level Developers salary? Obviously, it would be wise to determine whether I am indeed a good fit for this type of responsibility before giving me a raise which I am willing to put the hours in, but part of me wants to know that if this is a raise, I’m not going to STILL be making less money than everyone on the team. Don’t ask me how I know this, I’m not supposed to tell. Anyway, did anyone even think to ask what I might think or how I feel about this? I feel left with many questions, a constantly full queue of work (which I like that part a lot, especially since I’m so good at it, it feels very productive) and this sort of unstable unknown limbo.
That said, I am finding myself really enjoying the work so far and thinking a lot about whether or not this is the path to go down. Clearly, it’s not something I would just walk away from without giving it a solid shot not to mention, my supervisor and most of the project managers are extremely capable and I trust my supervisor a lot. If she feels I’m capable of this, it must mean that I also feel I owe her, I can tell she’s overwhelmed and needs me to do this, she asked me directly. Maybe I’ll get this stuff set up and I’ll do development part of the time, though this stuff could easily be a full time job from what I’m seeing. We’ll see, sometimes once you get the procedures down it frees up your time for other things and all of our marketing sites are my responsibility so I’m going to have to assume that this will still come to me, but they aren’t very complicated at all. Obviously, the conundrum here is clear, but my heart says to just keep plugging along and prepare myself for playing on a different team soon.
Dave:
Big man has also had some recent new career developments. A supervisory position at CDOT has opened up that he’s a) been waiting on for 2 years, b) is more than adequately qualified for and he’s worked with this team before and c) one of his former employees now works there and has offered to recommend him, which as anyone knows, having an “in” is always a leg up. This position would literally double his salary (at the minimum salary listed in the position, which he’d make for the first year and then they’d give him a fairly substantial raise according to this person he knows that works there) and it’s a state job, the benefits kick some serious ass to say the least.
How this has involved me is that he needed to update his non existent resume covering the last 20 years of his employment history and could easily say we spent a solid 12 hours doing so over the course of a week. It was a good lesson for us in how we work together and we learned that when I know what I am doing (i.e…wordsmithing, resume writing, application processing) that he needs to give me the information I need and stand back and let me do my job and interject only when nessisary. And strangley, vice versa….he’s SO good at things that I can’t even wrap my head around like measuring things and putting things together and math.
I sure hope this happens for him. It would make a pretty big difference in his life, this is the kind of job you keep until you retire, I’d like to see him have that.
As for our relationship? Well, it rocks mostly. We’ve had a few ups and downs, mostly having to do with boundaries (big surprise right?) but we seem to work through it well. I really like how well we communicate and he spoils the crap out of me whenever he can. How can a girl NOT like that? He’s a solid mans man type of guy and I find myself enjoying it just fine. I might be a feminist to the very end, but I still like my man to take out the garbage and help me put stuff together and treat me like a princess from time to time. And I’m not ashamed to say it Plus, it’s pretty cool to trust him enough that I feel ok about letting him do/’be these things for me. We worked the dog thing out to btw, that was a small victory I felt. He respected my boundaries around the issue and I gave a little on how often he could be at my house (i.e…on the weekends) I’ll post more pics as time allows.
My Mom:
She moved into her own apartment. She’s filling for divorce. I’m incredibley proud of her. It’s been exhausting and I expect I will have to have to put down some boundaries (ha, there’s that word again) with her while she acclimates to living on her own and in town, but so far, it’s going well. I’m really happy for her. I know this must be SO hard, but she’s really managing well. Now, if I could just stop worrying about her health so much. That would be nice.
More soon, love to you all.
Xo
S
Max:
We talk regularly. He seems ok, but I never really know what’s going on which I guess is part of the deal when the baby bird leaves the nest? He is a young man getting to the age where he’s not going to be telling the momma bear all that much to begin with so you KNOW there’s something of interest going on out there that he’s not sharing. Not to mention, I have strong reason to suspect (based on recent conversations) that there isn’t a whole lot of supervision if any at all. In recent weeks he has divulged that he’s gotten a traffic violation that will reap a hefty fine, which he doesn’t have a job to pay for, that he’s failing 3 classes and that he’s spending most nights at his cousin Robin’s house rather than at his dad’s house to which he proudly proclaims “We haven’t done anything TOO stupid yet mom, don’t worry. Robin is 21, he knows what he’s doing”. To which my internal mother voice is screaming “What the hell does that mean, NO ONE knows what they are doing at 21? And is having someone who is legal to purchase alchohol a GOOD thing AND this is where you are spending your time regularly and that’s a GOOD thing?” But I keep her voice quiet, because it’s a dance you know. This whole mothering from afar, it’s definitely an exercise in self control. It’s concerning stuff I know, and while I fear he’s heading toward a downward spiral with out anyone really being there to hold him accountable, I am not loosing hope. That wouldn’t be very motherly now would it? Besides, I believe in him. Plus, if he does fall down? Well, sometimes that’s how it goes when you are a youngster striking out on his own without a lot of supervision. I do worry from time to time that he might do something that might land him in trouble that only he can get himself out of, because no one wants to see that for him. Except, that I’ve had to accept that this is the potential reality and it just might be how he has to learn. I’ll still love him no matter what, he’ll still have a home life with me (even if he can’t live with me if that makes sense) and I would leave him at the mercy of the world without at least someone to talk to and love him the best that I can. Let’s all cross our fingers.
Work:
Wow, work is really…uh complicated at the moment I guess. I am acclimating to my duties and finding that I enjoy them because I’m good at them and I know what I’m doing. I am pretty capable of managing data and files and systems quite well, people? Not so much, but I am learning about how my new duties (as assigned depending on the day LOL) require me to interact with the project managers and ITC’s. So far, I haven’t really blown anything up, and that’s a good sign. Our first production build is tomorrow and I’ve done all that has been requested of me successfully without looking like a fool and really having very little questions because as a developer, I know the applications and code intimately so I have a good idea of what needs to happen .
The data conversion from our previous issue management software is going to be a dog. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m certain that if you fail to learn the lessons of this life, there is a special nerd hell in which you must perform data conversions from out dated systems and structures to shiny new systems and structures and they don’t talk to each nicely at all, so you sit in cube hell and sweat and agonize over mapping the data to the new system forever and it never really quite works out without some kind of manual data manipulations and those data manipulations never really quite work out as expected either so sometimes, but not always, you have to start all over again. Side note: Bill Gates will be there, micro managing and hovering, laughing his fool head off and telling us how we just need to upgrade this and patch that and no, we aren’t allowed to customize unless it’s to MS standard (which changes constantly and no one ever truly knows who is the official authority on this standard) and he’ll have big scary clown shoes on and enormous glasses that make his eyes bug out. Yes, that is my idea of hell.
I am also having some strong internal whisperings about whether this is what I really want and am I comfortable with being pulled out so suddenly of the development realm. I am also a little…well, I feel a little pissed off that I wasn’t really approached about whether this was something I even wanted to take on or would I be interested or anything else in any kind of formal way. It kind of feels like it’s just being dumped on me and here I’ll have massive quantities of responsibility and will be privy to meetings, information and access to everything and anything that only project managers do. In theory, I am now a manager of some kind. Except, so far, still no one has taken me aside and indicated what any of this really means for me in terms of my position in the organization. Which begs so many questions about my future there, like is this going to be my full time position? Is this a promotion? Does anyone care that I was hired to be a developer and suddenly I’m thrown into something much higher level in terms of accountability and responsibility and I’m still making a Jr. Level Developers salary? Obviously, it would be wise to determine whether I am indeed a good fit for this type of responsibility before giving me a raise which I am willing to put the hours in, but part of me wants to know that if this is a raise, I’m not going to STILL be making less money than everyone on the team. Don’t ask me how I know this, I’m not supposed to tell. Anyway, did anyone even think to ask what I might think or how I feel about this? I feel left with many questions, a constantly full queue of work (which I like that part a lot, especially since I’m so good at it, it feels very productive) and this sort of unstable unknown limbo.
That said, I am finding myself really enjoying the work so far and thinking a lot about whether or not this is the path to go down. Clearly, it’s not something I would just walk away from without giving it a solid shot not to mention, my supervisor and most of the project managers are extremely capable and I trust my supervisor a lot. If she feels I’m capable of this, it must mean that I also feel I owe her, I can tell she’s overwhelmed and needs me to do this, she asked me directly. Maybe I’ll get this stuff set up and I’ll do development part of the time, though this stuff could easily be a full time job from what I’m seeing. We’ll see, sometimes once you get the procedures down it frees up your time for other things and all of our marketing sites are my responsibility so I’m going to have to assume that this will still come to me, but they aren’t very complicated at all. Obviously, the conundrum here is clear, but my heart says to just keep plugging along and prepare myself for playing on a different team soon.
Dave:
Big man has also had some recent new career developments. A supervisory position at CDOT has opened up that he’s a) been waiting on for 2 years, b) is more than adequately qualified for and he’s worked with this team before and c) one of his former employees now works there and has offered to recommend him, which as anyone knows, having an “in” is always a leg up. This position would literally double his salary (at the minimum salary listed in the position, which he’d make for the first year and then they’d give him a fairly substantial raise according to this person he knows that works there) and it’s a state job, the benefits kick some serious ass to say the least.
How this has involved me is that he needed to update his non existent resume covering the last 20 years of his employment history and could easily say we spent a solid 12 hours doing so over the course of a week. It was a good lesson for us in how we work together and we learned that when I know what I am doing (i.e…wordsmithing, resume writing, application processing) that he needs to give me the information I need and stand back and let me do my job and interject only when nessisary. And strangley, vice versa….he’s SO good at things that I can’t even wrap my head around like measuring things and putting things together and math.
I sure hope this happens for him. It would make a pretty big difference in his life, this is the kind of job you keep until you retire, I’d like to see him have that.
As for our relationship? Well, it rocks mostly. We’ve had a few ups and downs, mostly having to do with boundaries (big surprise right?) but we seem to work through it well. I really like how well we communicate and he spoils the crap out of me whenever he can. How can a girl NOT like that? He’s a solid mans man type of guy and I find myself enjoying it just fine. I might be a feminist to the very end, but I still like my man to take out the garbage and help me put stuff together and treat me like a princess from time to time. And I’m not ashamed to say it Plus, it’s pretty cool to trust him enough that I feel ok about letting him do/’be these things for me. We worked the dog thing out to btw, that was a small victory I felt. He respected my boundaries around the issue and I gave a little on how often he could be at my house (i.e…on the weekends) I’ll post more pics as time allows.
My Mom:
She moved into her own apartment. She’s filling for divorce. I’m incredibley proud of her. It’s been exhausting and I expect I will have to have to put down some boundaries (ha, there’s that word again) with her while she acclimates to living on her own and in town, but so far, it’s going well. I’m really happy for her. I know this must be SO hard, but she’s really managing well. Now, if I could just stop worrying about her health so much. That would be nice.
More soon, love to you all.
Xo
S
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wow, my blogging activity is a little lack luster these days, isn’t it? In part, it’s simply that I haven’t had the time or energy to actually write something that accurately reflects the current state of life these days. Not really sure I do today either, but I ought to at least give it a try, huh?
The last few weeks have been a challenge on the relationship(s) front. In the matters of the heart, the Universe has surely been sending me some very strong and clear signals about loving, letting go and attachments. Loving in that I can see how love changes its shape and form through the duration of any given relationship, but it still remains if it was there to begin with. Letting go in the sense of letting go of the history that no longer serves me well and releasing its pains and resentments to the Universe. Attachments in general, but specificailly attachments to outcomes. The latter of which I seem to struggle with on the regular. I get so caught up in what I see the outcomes becoming that I forget to enjoy getting there in the first place OR that it may not even go down that way to begin with. In fact, it’s most likely NOT going to go down the way in which one predicts, so why get stuck to it at all? Silly, SILLY rabbit.
This is also a reoccurring theme at work. I was notified today that my position will likely take a pretty drastic turn in the coming months and I will be doing considerabley less development and being required to pay my attention more to configuration management. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. I like development and I feel I am consistently put on the back burner when it comes to new development for the company. Sure, I can manage all the legacy apps with my eyes half shut, no coffee and on 4 hours of sleep should I need to. But NEW development, that’s what I was really hoping for this year and now I’m going to be doing even less than I already do? Hmmmmmm, I don’t know about all that. Of course, the reality is that what I “want” and what I “need” are often two different things (why is that?) and I may not have much choice but to look at this transition as an “opportunity.” An opportunity to further my skill set in other area’s, there is a demand for “Configuration Managers” out there in the world and it would be a rather large transition in responsibility as well, so perhaps I should be flattered that my boss is considering me for the these tasks. Maybe. That or she just doesn’t have any other developers who consistently have gaps in their schedules b/c I am the ONLY one not doing .Net development on the new in house apps. I feel a small roar of discontent brewing over this new development, that’s probably obvious. To me it may represent a time to make choices and changes and I get anxious just thinking about that, so I should do what is best for now and that is, let’s just ride the wave and see what happens until reason is given to make decisions.
Love and life, it all kinda works the same doesn’t it?
I’m also starving and want to eat everything today, so that a surefire sign of hormone induced agony approaching. BOO FRIGGEN HISS.
We should start a “This is what I do when the Hormone Monster visits ME” website. As long as it says I can eat chocolate, potato chips and cheese all I want I’ll be the moderate AND no one will get hurt *wink*
The last few weeks have been a challenge on the relationship(s) front. In the matters of the heart, the Universe has surely been sending me some very strong and clear signals about loving, letting go and attachments. Loving in that I can see how love changes its shape and form through the duration of any given relationship, but it still remains if it was there to begin with. Letting go in the sense of letting go of the history that no longer serves me well and releasing its pains and resentments to the Universe. Attachments in general, but specificailly attachments to outcomes. The latter of which I seem to struggle with on the regular. I get so caught up in what I see the outcomes becoming that I forget to enjoy getting there in the first place OR that it may not even go down that way to begin with. In fact, it’s most likely NOT going to go down the way in which one predicts, so why get stuck to it at all? Silly, SILLY rabbit.
This is also a reoccurring theme at work. I was notified today that my position will likely take a pretty drastic turn in the coming months and I will be doing considerabley less development and being required to pay my attention more to configuration management. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. I like development and I feel I am consistently put on the back burner when it comes to new development for the company. Sure, I can manage all the legacy apps with my eyes half shut, no coffee and on 4 hours of sleep should I need to. But NEW development, that’s what I was really hoping for this year and now I’m going to be doing even less than I already do? Hmmmmmm, I don’t know about all that. Of course, the reality is that what I “want” and what I “need” are often two different things (why is that?) and I may not have much choice but to look at this transition as an “opportunity.” An opportunity to further my skill set in other area’s, there is a demand for “Configuration Managers” out there in the world and it would be a rather large transition in responsibility as well, so perhaps I should be flattered that my boss is considering me for the these tasks. Maybe. That or she just doesn’t have any other developers who consistently have gaps in their schedules b/c I am the ONLY one not doing .Net development on the new in house apps. I feel a small roar of discontent brewing over this new development, that’s probably obvious. To me it may represent a time to make choices and changes and I get anxious just thinking about that, so I should do what is best for now and that is, let’s just ride the wave and see what happens until reason is given to make decisions.
Love and life, it all kinda works the same doesn’t it?
I’m also starving and want to eat everything today, so that a surefire sign of hormone induced agony approaching. BOO FRIGGEN HISS.
We should start a “This is what I do when the Hormone Monster visits ME” website. As long as it says I can eat chocolate, potato chips and cheese all I want I’ll be the moderate AND no one will get hurt *wink*
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
The move of our office was a success over all. I’m eating blueberries in my new cube space, trying to decide if I really can wait until tomorrow to eat another cup. Berries and I, we go way back. Good stuff. Anywho, I am generally pretty happy about the new space and more than happy with the performance of our 24/7 team and the movers for expediting the entire experience and making it an almost seamless one for most of the staff. I know management is also thrilled that there was minimal down time and we were back up and running, being productive and moving forward with deadlines and planning right on time. Good job guys!
The new office is sunny and bright, with new cube walls and desks and furniture. The amount of natural light is probably the best thing that could have happened for all of us. The old office was a bit dreary and there were days when the gray cube walls, artificial lighting and obnoxiousness of that environment as a whole was a notable factor in the downward spiral of that particular day. The new space has many new features that I think we can all appreciate: bathrooms/kitchen separate from the common area, an actual break room with reasonably priced drinks and snacks (hey, we are a development shop, sometimes we ALL need sugar and salt to get through the day) and the machines actually give you what you selected and there is no lack of parking. The building itself is modern, only about 10 years old and is secure and has an on site utility staff – awesome.
Many things to be thrilled about! The only obvious downfall for all of us (except management of course LOL) is that we are all totally exposed to one another. It is a much more open environment and the cube walls are only half the size we are used to. In a nutshell, zero privacy. Not that you get much to begin with in ANY cube environment, but this is definitely much less than we are used to. In the old cube maze, the cubes had full walls and many of the staff were against walls and had a considerable amount of privacy. I, of course, did not…I sat RIGHT in the main thoroughfair for the development team and while I learned to ignore it, it took me a solid 6 months to get there. So, while I may be used to being this exposed, most of my team-mates are not and there is audible moaning and groaning. It is this developers opinion that the new environment might be a bit more condusive to actual team work, well…with the exception that the only other female developer on the team and I are completely separated from the guys. Was hard NOT to notice that little factoid, but hey, whatever. We have jobs, we are respected members of the team and now we have a 3 female member, a technical writer and that’s nice. It also helps, that the main boss lady, is a pretty inspiring woman…it helps.
So, some things to adjust to….sitting so close to members of other teams, hearing them talk, eat, etc…oh and I really don’t like the water. Ew. I might have to get one of those water pitchers with the filter for work b/c all the water here is tap water and while it’s nice to have a water machine and an ice maker, it’s no good when the water is THORNTON water. Yick. I suppose complaining about this makes me a total princess, I mean cripes, there are people in Haiti right now with no clean water…I should shut up.
Oh oh and another AWESOME MOST FANTASTIC AMAZING thing? No vent over my desk. No black stuff spewing out on me when the air turns on. No sneezing and hacking. The office is the perfect temp in my opinion, it’s good stuff.
I have a lovely sun beam on my desk as we speak….helllooooo sun beam. *pet pet*
Personal life swims along. There is some drama in the Sean field, but when isn’t there? He already filed his taxes and guess what? He claimed Max. Of COURSE he did, right? Don’t know why I was so shocked. Luckily, I fumed a bit and emotionally spanked myself for not thinking of this when Max went out to WY in the first place and then I let myself off the hook. The situation at the time was tense at best, I didn’t have my wits about me so whatever. It’ll all be dealt with in time. I’m far to happy to let that man have power over me any more. The only fears I have are related to Max, if any fallout from my responses to Sean’s behaviors will affect the boy. I sure hope not, but on the flip side, I can’t control that either. Max made his choice. I am making mine. What else can we do?
My birthday was really wonderful. Much celebration and good wishes from loved ones, I still have an entire table full of “loot” on display and I plan to keep it there for a bit longer. All those glittery cards and trinkets from those out in the world who think of me make me feel really warm and loved. Someday, I’ll get better about giving that love back.
I’m off for now, Bailey needs a walk. She’s getting fat as was pointed out by my vet friend the other night to which I responded, “She’s not FAT, she’s happy and we walk regularly so thbhghgghttt” so I have to keep up on that so I don’t feel guilty about my dog getting chubby. Can I help that our favorite thing to do together is take short walks together, eat snacks, play on the couch and snuggle on lazy Sunday mornings?
Love to you all
S
PS: Dream Fairy…you really have outdone yourself as of late. I dreamed last night that my Aunty MB had this long flowing white hair and I was spending the weekend at her house, but I’d forgotten to get someone to watch my cats in my absence and Bailey kept telling me “Momma, don’t worry…they’ll be fine…now let’s go swimming with the whales!”
Good times.
The new office is sunny and bright, with new cube walls and desks and furniture. The amount of natural light is probably the best thing that could have happened for all of us. The old office was a bit dreary and there were days when the gray cube walls, artificial lighting and obnoxiousness of that environment as a whole was a notable factor in the downward spiral of that particular day. The new space has many new features that I think we can all appreciate: bathrooms/kitchen separate from the common area, an actual break room with reasonably priced drinks and snacks (hey, we are a development shop, sometimes we ALL need sugar and salt to get through the day) and the machines actually give you what you selected and there is no lack of parking. The building itself is modern, only about 10 years old and is secure and has an on site utility staff – awesome.
Many things to be thrilled about! The only obvious downfall for all of us (except management of course LOL) is that we are all totally exposed to one another. It is a much more open environment and the cube walls are only half the size we are used to. In a nutshell, zero privacy. Not that you get much to begin with in ANY cube environment, but this is definitely much less than we are used to. In the old cube maze, the cubes had full walls and many of the staff were against walls and had a considerable amount of privacy. I, of course, did not…I sat RIGHT in the main thoroughfair for the development team and while I learned to ignore it, it took me a solid 6 months to get there. So, while I may be used to being this exposed, most of my team-mates are not and there is audible moaning and groaning. It is this developers opinion that the new environment might be a bit more condusive to actual team work, well…with the exception that the only other female developer on the team and I are completely separated from the guys. Was hard NOT to notice that little factoid, but hey, whatever. We have jobs, we are respected members of the team and now we have a 3 female member, a technical writer and that’s nice. It also helps, that the main boss lady, is a pretty inspiring woman…it helps.
So, some things to adjust to….sitting so close to members of other teams, hearing them talk, eat, etc…oh and I really don’t like the water. Ew. I might have to get one of those water pitchers with the filter for work b/c all the water here is tap water and while it’s nice to have a water machine and an ice maker, it’s no good when the water is THORNTON water. Yick. I suppose complaining about this makes me a total princess, I mean cripes, there are people in Haiti right now with no clean water…I should shut up.
Oh oh and another AWESOME MOST FANTASTIC AMAZING thing? No vent over my desk. No black stuff spewing out on me when the air turns on. No sneezing and hacking. The office is the perfect temp in my opinion, it’s good stuff.
I have a lovely sun beam on my desk as we speak….helllooooo sun beam. *pet pet*
Personal life swims along. There is some drama in the Sean field, but when isn’t there? He already filed his taxes and guess what? He claimed Max. Of COURSE he did, right? Don’t know why I was so shocked. Luckily, I fumed a bit and emotionally spanked myself for not thinking of this when Max went out to WY in the first place and then I let myself off the hook. The situation at the time was tense at best, I didn’t have my wits about me so whatever. It’ll all be dealt with in time. I’m far to happy to let that man have power over me any more. The only fears I have are related to Max, if any fallout from my responses to Sean’s behaviors will affect the boy. I sure hope not, but on the flip side, I can’t control that either. Max made his choice. I am making mine. What else can we do?
My birthday was really wonderful. Much celebration and good wishes from loved ones, I still have an entire table full of “loot” on display and I plan to keep it there for a bit longer. All those glittery cards and trinkets from those out in the world who think of me make me feel really warm and loved. Someday, I’ll get better about giving that love back.
I’m off for now, Bailey needs a walk. She’s getting fat as was pointed out by my vet friend the other night to which I responded, “She’s not FAT, she’s happy and we walk regularly so thbhghgghttt” so I have to keep up on that so I don’t feel guilty about my dog getting chubby. Can I help that our favorite thing to do together is take short walks together, eat snacks, play on the couch and snuggle on lazy Sunday mornings?
Love to you all
S
PS: Dream Fairy…you really have outdone yourself as of late. I dreamed last night that my Aunty MB had this long flowing white hair and I was spending the weekend at her house, but I’d forgotten to get someone to watch my cats in my absence and Bailey kept telling me “Momma, don’t worry…they’ll be fine…now let’s go swimming with the whales!”
Good times.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Babies
Babies
Rose is far more efficient at sending out pictures of Clark than I ever was with Max. Although, I would like to point out that the technology available to do so today wasn’t really around when Max was that age, or at the very least, I was far less accessible and affordable. But I won’t hold that against her
This Clark thing gets me thinking a lot about biology and how babies do this weird thing to me. My baby makin’ days are long over, unless by some miracle of the Universe (because it really would take one at this point and I would have to hope that the powers that be might be extra kind at this stage in the game), I am 100% sure I won’t be having any more babies, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely do not. I like other people’s babies just fine, especially when I can give them back.
Now that THAT is clarified, these images of Clark spark strong biological stirrings to be closer to him and his momma. I simply cannot deny that it’s real and it happens every time I see his little soft baby face and Rose smiling like a shiny new momma right next time. The pics I have of him on my fridge remind me that I have a sister and a nephew out there and she’s the only sister I’ve got and who knows, there might be more nephews/nieces, but man…this thing feels really big to me sometimes.
So I ponder the basics like, “Well it’s not that far to Texas from CO“ and “Theoretically I could drive there over long weekends.“ and “I have to hurry, he’s going to be all grown up before I see him!” because you know that’s how it works right? Babies? They grow up over night. If you don’t catch them while they are cute and wrinkly and soft and smell good, they grow up into teenagers who are still cute, but don’t always smell so good and are definitely NOT soft or wrinkly. The clock is a’tickin’ me thinks!
This doesn’t happen with everyone’s babies. I have several friends with brand spanking new babies and I like to hold them and look at them watch them do their little baby thing, but I’m not longing to hold them or hear all the details about childbirth and what it’s like for the new momma to have an infant. Nope, that only happens when I think of Rose and Clark. I mean, all the sudden I want to knit him a blanket and buy him baby clothes and when I see baby stuff in the store I’m oohing and ahhing.
Kristen and I talked about this at length recently as her brother and his wife were pregnant (lost the baby sadly) but we were all very excited and she mentioned she was having similar reaction. So, I don’t think I’m like completely crazy or needy or anything for feeling this way. I am just not sure how to manage it. Because we aren’t close (in all ways, physically tangible or otherwise) and the truth is that it might seem a bit odd to her if I was suddenly trying to be all up in her business after all this time. Thing is, I don’t care any more. That’s the crazy part. Something about this baby makes me want to be there, in her life, in his life, to hear the details and be there when the challenges strike. It feels like a calling of sorts.
Maybe I have aspirations of being a rockin’ Aunty like mine are, because goodness knows I have about the best examples on the planet on how to “Aunty” someone. Perhaps now that I AM someone’s Aunt, I can look at the amazing role MY Aunts have played in my life and want to strive to be that for someone else. Maybe not now nessisarly, but some day.
I keep thinking of how cool it is to know a child from the time they are infants until they are grown. Case in point, Kristen’s daughter Bethany. That little girl has grown into a lovely young woman, her birthday is next week (17 gasp) and I feel honored to know her and to have such history with her. After all, I literally did change her diapers, feed her baby food, burp her and let her puke all over me. I’ve seen her cry, laugh, grow, test all of us (she’s an Aquariaus just like me, same day and everything…she comes by it honestly) and now she is a sweet, beautiful young woman and I can look at her and still see what she was like as a child. We all practically lived together, while the kids were between 6 and 11 or so and Max and Bethany are bonded. We do family things together, birthday parties, holidays, etc every year. Bethany calls me when she needs computer help or wants me to help her with her computer lab homework. I cannot predict what the future holds for any of us, but I cannot fathom a reason why I wouldn’t at least be privy to what’s going on B’s life via Kristen over the years. I like that. I’m growing up and seeing the children I’ve loved grow up too.
Maybe all these reasons are why I want to be closer to Rose and Clark. Now, how to go about seeing what I can do about it? Finances could prove problematic (traveling is SOOOO expensive) but I can’t let that be a deterrent. We’ll see, it’ll come to me I’m sure. Always does.
Rose is far more efficient at sending out pictures of Clark than I ever was with Max. Although, I would like to point out that the technology available to do so today wasn’t really around when Max was that age, or at the very least, I was far less accessible and affordable. But I won’t hold that against her
This Clark thing gets me thinking a lot about biology and how babies do this weird thing to me. My baby makin’ days are long over, unless by some miracle of the Universe (because it really would take one at this point and I would have to hope that the powers that be might be extra kind at this stage in the game), I am 100% sure I won’t be having any more babies, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely do not. I like other people’s babies just fine, especially when I can give them back.
Now that THAT is clarified, these images of Clark spark strong biological stirrings to be closer to him and his momma. I simply cannot deny that it’s real and it happens every time I see his little soft baby face and Rose smiling like a shiny new momma right next time. The pics I have of him on my fridge remind me that I have a sister and a nephew out there and she’s the only sister I’ve got and who knows, there might be more nephews/nieces, but man…this thing feels really big to me sometimes.
So I ponder the basics like, “Well it’s not that far to Texas from CO“ and “Theoretically I could drive there over long weekends.“ and “I have to hurry, he’s going to be all grown up before I see him!” because you know that’s how it works right? Babies? They grow up over night. If you don’t catch them while they are cute and wrinkly and soft and smell good, they grow up into teenagers who are still cute, but don’t always smell so good and are definitely NOT soft or wrinkly. The clock is a’tickin’ me thinks!
This doesn’t happen with everyone’s babies. I have several friends with brand spanking new babies and I like to hold them and look at them watch them do their little baby thing, but I’m not longing to hold them or hear all the details about childbirth and what it’s like for the new momma to have an infant. Nope, that only happens when I think of Rose and Clark. I mean, all the sudden I want to knit him a blanket and buy him baby clothes and when I see baby stuff in the store I’m oohing and ahhing.
Kristen and I talked about this at length recently as her brother and his wife were pregnant (lost the baby sadly) but we were all very excited and she mentioned she was having similar reaction. So, I don’t think I’m like completely crazy or needy or anything for feeling this way. I am just not sure how to manage it. Because we aren’t close (in all ways, physically tangible or otherwise) and the truth is that it might seem a bit odd to her if I was suddenly trying to be all up in her business after all this time. Thing is, I don’t care any more. That’s the crazy part. Something about this baby makes me want to be there, in her life, in his life, to hear the details and be there when the challenges strike. It feels like a calling of sorts.
Maybe I have aspirations of being a rockin’ Aunty like mine are, because goodness knows I have about the best examples on the planet on how to “Aunty” someone. Perhaps now that I AM someone’s Aunt, I can look at the amazing role MY Aunts have played in my life and want to strive to be that for someone else. Maybe not now nessisarly, but some day.
I keep thinking of how cool it is to know a child from the time they are infants until they are grown. Case in point, Kristen’s daughter Bethany. That little girl has grown into a lovely young woman, her birthday is next week (17 gasp) and I feel honored to know her and to have such history with her. After all, I literally did change her diapers, feed her baby food, burp her and let her puke all over me. I’ve seen her cry, laugh, grow, test all of us (she’s an Aquariaus just like me, same day and everything…she comes by it honestly) and now she is a sweet, beautiful young woman and I can look at her and still see what she was like as a child. We all practically lived together, while the kids were between 6 and 11 or so and Max and Bethany are bonded. We do family things together, birthday parties, holidays, etc every year. Bethany calls me when she needs computer help or wants me to help her with her computer lab homework. I cannot predict what the future holds for any of us, but I cannot fathom a reason why I wouldn’t at least be privy to what’s going on B’s life via Kristen over the years. I like that. I’m growing up and seeing the children I’ve loved grow up too.
Maybe all these reasons are why I want to be closer to Rose and Clark. Now, how to go about seeing what I can do about it? Finances could prove problematic (traveling is SOOOO expensive) but I can’t let that be a deterrent. We’ll see, it’ll come to me I’m sure. Always does.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Work/Life
Work
I definitely should talk about work a little. It’s been a steady flow of activity since right around Thanksgiving. Not only have we been inundated with bug fixes (it’s part of the cycle as any software developer knows) because we had a large revision go live to our core application in October, but my supervisor and our senior developer are bouncing around trying to accommodate a new client/project via phone conference, travel and online communications., This is incredible for business (this cold be out biggest client in the history of the company) but it’s also something the entire team will be included on once the requirements are written and finalized. We are also hiring up to 9 contract people to assist in development which is scheduled to start February 1 and last through the duration of this year and probably well into 2011 as I’m sure there will be at least 2 or 3 iterations of the application as a whole. Big, big, exciting news. The draw back you might ask? Well, for one, my supervisor has more than is reasonable on her plate, so she’s working really long hours and it can be rather difficult to actually talk to directly because she’s always in meetings, on the phone or totally engrossed in whatever she’s doing. She handles it like a pro, and I as always, I’m fascinated by her abilities. Some people are just born leaders, it’s really true. Secondly, they are trying to hire these contractors and that’s always a bowl of cherries. Hiring people STINKS because it’s always a gamble. All too often, we end up with contractors who are not qualified for the project or are overqualified and want to make a bajillion dollars (which doesn’t happen here btw, it runs like a non profit in the sense that you don’t make as much cash but there are other benefits and the contractors often don’t see those benefits b/c they aren’t full time employee’s) so even in this economy where people are really struggling for work, we seem to not end up with a properly qualified candidate with reasonable pay expectations. Thus, it’s not really anyone’s favorite thing around here, to hire people. I think that’s why most of the developers here stay a long long time, you are either a good fit, or you aren’t.
On top of that, we are moving office spaces at the end of the month which comes with its own challenges. The reward is the new office space itself. It’s lovely, modern (building is only 10 years old) and much more secure than our current building. We recently had a series of auto smash n grabs these past few months, in the middle of the day, very bold. Not only were what someone might deem valuable like an GPS system or an iPod, but one women lost her purse with all her kids pictures in it. Not cool man, not cool at all. On a side note, I’ve had several friends have their cars broken into lately, times are tough out there. Sad
The new office totally kicks serious ass and we are all excited. For my own personal reasons, I’m REALLY hoping the new office will help w/ my ongoing illnesses. My current office is very poorly ventilated, I often come to work with black stuff all over my desk and when the heat or air comes on, I cough and sneeze and feel like totally crap for at least the next hour. I’ve complained, they know about it. No one does anything. Whatever.
Obviously, the aforementioned factors have added some environmental tension to the office I think, but for the most part, it’s all being managed well by both senior level staff, but also by our group. I have days here where I’d like to just walk out and go work at a pet store for minimum wage, but they are rare indeed and when I do an inventory of why I love my job, management and my co-workers rank high on the list.
Also, recently had a review. It was ok, not stellar like I’d hoped. There were some criticisms, but in after thought, I can see that this is to be expected. I’m officially one of “them” now and my supervisor expects great things out of me, and she expects them promptly. She’s not going to settle for anything less, so the message was clear. The work is good, but we need you to churn it out a little quicker Sarah Banarah. OKAY OKAY. Fine. However, she did save face by saying in my review that she expected turn around time on issues to increase exponentially as I become more familiar with the applications (other than the core one which I’ve been working on most of this year), database standards and development procedures. Which, again in after thought, I realized that she’s right. I haven’t been a part of the team as long as everyone else here; the learning curve has been high this past year. In any event, now I know what is expected. No real raises this year, I mean, I won’t sneeze at the one I did get, but none of us got any real pay increases. Which we all expected. The truth of the matter is, in this economy, we are all just happy to have jobs to come to every day and direct deposit pay checks. I’ll take it, thank you very much.
Life
I’d like to say that I’ve had profound revelations and am on the journey to 100% clean living and spiritual enlightenment. But I’m not and I can’t. From October to January 1st, I gained 10 lbs. I know partly, this was due to my mother being in the house (she FRIES everything in oil and drinks beer like there’s not going to be more at the store, hard for me to ignore that) and couple that with the seemingly endless amount of food and booze that are associated with the holidays and voila, I managed to pack on another 10 lbs. I forgot to loose the LAST 10 lbs I gained, so this is doubly frustrating. These past few weeks, I’m trying to get back on track or at the very least, not scarfing down like there’s no tomorrow like I had been these past few months. I’m not putting a ton of pressure on myself, just trying to get realistic about loosing some weight in a healthy manner without restricting myself from the things I like to eat/drink. At least not 100%. Moderation is good, total restriction…bad. Very bad, make Sarah go bam bam!
The plan is to purchase a moderately priced treadmill and my hope is that between having something at home to exercise on regularly that doesn’t require much more than getting on it for half an hour a day and wearing what I feel comfortable in, in the privacy of my own home, along with cutting down the caloric intake, should make a difference in the next few months. We’ll see if I can actually fund a treadmill, it’s a pricy endeavor and no longer having any credit can really cause a girl to realize the value of what kind of money she actually has. Right now, I’m still catching up from Xmas and what seems like a never ending cycle of car repair bills. One thing I really dislike about the gym is…wait, a few things I really dislike about the gym: a) Everyone is stick skinny and I feel like a giant butterball turkey fruit b) At home, I can walk/jog on the treadmill in the same shorts I used to paint in last summer and no one is going to care or give me the stink eye and finally…c) I can listen to/watch/do whatever I want (whenever I want) while walking/jogging. Without distractions or obnoxious lights, etc..etc…etc…so, that’s the goal on that front.
Emotionally, I’m doing quite well. At least, in terms of where I’ve been in the past 6 months. Partly, this is me coming to terms with the reality of the situation with Max, part of this is me giving into forgiveness and compassion, part of it is my fantastic base of wonderful people’s in my life and part of this probably has something to do with Dave. He is a good man. He’s always there when I need him, no matter what, without question. He is loving, kind, works hard and our relationship is just…easy. We rarely argue, there just isn’t the kind of resistances I’ve experienced in past. He also spoils me rotten (did I mention the ring I got for the holidays and how he cooks for me whenever I don’t feel like cooking and does the dishes after too? Whoa) and it’s really hard not to like that. He just does things, I don’t even have to ask. He’s also very cuddly and everyone knows I’m a total cuddle monster, so that works out nicely. There must be a downside right? Yes, there always is…a) I, Sarah of the animals, can honeslty 100% without a doubt state publically state that I dislike his dog very very very much. No need to go into detail here, but this animal..well, I know it’s not just me. No one likes this dog and it really hurts me that I feel so strongly about it b/c I have never ever experienced such a situation. The dog is just…unbearable. So, this has caused some issue, but we are working through it. Dave knows what he’s got on his hands, I’m not the first person in his life to put their foot down about the poor doggy. I feel kind of bad for the doggy, he’s just a mess…but it’s Dave’s dog and they are uber bonded and. Which I can completely understand. BAILEY BOO BOO! I LOVE YOU – shout out for my AWESOME dog. Which she is btw, really…her bday is in February. There will be doggy cakes and hats. I’ll post pics
The other issue is that Dave is extremely introverted and private where as we all know that I am not at all like that, socially anyway. I walk into a room and talk to everyone, meanwhile, he’s smiling and nodding and it takes him a while to warm up enough to actually speak. Lucky for me, my best friend of 20+ years is also an extreme introvert and I am pretty comfortable with it when it comes to our personal relationship…but the challenge comes when we are social with other people. I’m always so concerned he’s not having fun or that he’ll be uncomfortable some how. Which, he never really is, it’s all me being anxious about nothing. Plus, I’m learning that I don’t have to be in the spotlight all the time. I don’t intend to, but I realize that my personality is naturally boisterous and loud and enjoys engaging with anyone and everyone, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respectful of the fact that others aren’t built the same way. See, I AM learning how to be a grown up
I’m still hoping to get out to visit the Rose Bud, but I am nervous about actually getting out of the state this year for a vacation. I want to see Paula and go to Yellowstone as well, so it’s sort of dizzying to think about making it all happen. I’m not a patient woman when it comes to these things. I want what I want, when I want it and that is usually right friggen NOW. I’m getting there. Or at the very least, get realer about who I am.
Off for now chickee’s….guess I should do some work.
Loves to you all
S
I definitely should talk about work a little. It’s been a steady flow of activity since right around Thanksgiving. Not only have we been inundated with bug fixes (it’s part of the cycle as any software developer knows) because we had a large revision go live to our core application in October, but my supervisor and our senior developer are bouncing around trying to accommodate a new client/project via phone conference, travel and online communications., This is incredible for business (this cold be out biggest client in the history of the company) but it’s also something the entire team will be included on once the requirements are written and finalized. We are also hiring up to 9 contract people to assist in development which is scheduled to start February 1 and last through the duration of this year and probably well into 2011 as I’m sure there will be at least 2 or 3 iterations of the application as a whole. Big, big, exciting news. The draw back you might ask? Well, for one, my supervisor has more than is reasonable on her plate, so she’s working really long hours and it can be rather difficult to actually talk to directly because she’s always in meetings, on the phone or totally engrossed in whatever she’s doing. She handles it like a pro, and I as always, I’m fascinated by her abilities. Some people are just born leaders, it’s really true. Secondly, they are trying to hire these contractors and that’s always a bowl of cherries. Hiring people STINKS because it’s always a gamble. All too often, we end up with contractors who are not qualified for the project or are overqualified and want to make a bajillion dollars (which doesn’t happen here btw, it runs like a non profit in the sense that you don’t make as much cash but there are other benefits and the contractors often don’t see those benefits b/c they aren’t full time employee’s) so even in this economy where people are really struggling for work, we seem to not end up with a properly qualified candidate with reasonable pay expectations. Thus, it’s not really anyone’s favorite thing around here, to hire people. I think that’s why most of the developers here stay a long long time, you are either a good fit, or you aren’t.
On top of that, we are moving office spaces at the end of the month which comes with its own challenges. The reward is the new office space itself. It’s lovely, modern (building is only 10 years old) and much more secure than our current building. We recently had a series of auto smash n grabs these past few months, in the middle of the day, very bold. Not only were what someone might deem valuable like an GPS system or an iPod, but one women lost her purse with all her kids pictures in it. Not cool man, not cool at all. On a side note, I’ve had several friends have their cars broken into lately, times are tough out there. Sad
The new office totally kicks serious ass and we are all excited. For my own personal reasons, I’m REALLY hoping the new office will help w/ my ongoing illnesses. My current office is very poorly ventilated, I often come to work with black stuff all over my desk and when the heat or air comes on, I cough and sneeze and feel like totally crap for at least the next hour. I’ve complained, they know about it. No one does anything. Whatever.
Obviously, the aforementioned factors have added some environmental tension to the office I think, but for the most part, it’s all being managed well by both senior level staff, but also by our group. I have days here where I’d like to just walk out and go work at a pet store for minimum wage, but they are rare indeed and when I do an inventory of why I love my job, management and my co-workers rank high on the list.
Also, recently had a review. It was ok, not stellar like I’d hoped. There were some criticisms, but in after thought, I can see that this is to be expected. I’m officially one of “them” now and my supervisor expects great things out of me, and she expects them promptly. She’s not going to settle for anything less, so the message was clear. The work is good, but we need you to churn it out a little quicker Sarah Banarah. OKAY OKAY. Fine. However, she did save face by saying in my review that she expected turn around time on issues to increase exponentially as I become more familiar with the applications (other than the core one which I’ve been working on most of this year), database standards and development procedures. Which, again in after thought, I realized that she’s right. I haven’t been a part of the team as long as everyone else here; the learning curve has been high this past year. In any event, now I know what is expected. No real raises this year, I mean, I won’t sneeze at the one I did get, but none of us got any real pay increases. Which we all expected. The truth of the matter is, in this economy, we are all just happy to have jobs to come to every day and direct deposit pay checks. I’ll take it, thank you very much.
Life
I’d like to say that I’ve had profound revelations and am on the journey to 100% clean living and spiritual enlightenment. But I’m not and I can’t. From October to January 1st, I gained 10 lbs. I know partly, this was due to my mother being in the house (she FRIES everything in oil and drinks beer like there’s not going to be more at the store, hard for me to ignore that) and couple that with the seemingly endless amount of food and booze that are associated with the holidays and voila, I managed to pack on another 10 lbs. I forgot to loose the LAST 10 lbs I gained, so this is doubly frustrating. These past few weeks, I’m trying to get back on track or at the very least, not scarfing down like there’s no tomorrow like I had been these past few months. I’m not putting a ton of pressure on myself, just trying to get realistic about loosing some weight in a healthy manner without restricting myself from the things I like to eat/drink. At least not 100%. Moderation is good, total restriction…bad. Very bad, make Sarah go bam bam!
The plan is to purchase a moderately priced treadmill and my hope is that between having something at home to exercise on regularly that doesn’t require much more than getting on it for half an hour a day and wearing what I feel comfortable in, in the privacy of my own home, along with cutting down the caloric intake, should make a difference in the next few months. We’ll see if I can actually fund a treadmill, it’s a pricy endeavor and no longer having any credit can really cause a girl to realize the value of what kind of money she actually has. Right now, I’m still catching up from Xmas and what seems like a never ending cycle of car repair bills. One thing I really dislike about the gym is…wait, a few things I really dislike about the gym: a) Everyone is stick skinny and I feel like a giant butterball turkey fruit b) At home, I can walk/jog on the treadmill in the same shorts I used to paint in last summer and no one is going to care or give me the stink eye and finally…c) I can listen to/watch/do whatever I want (whenever I want) while walking/jogging. Without distractions or obnoxious lights, etc..etc…etc…so, that’s the goal on that front.
Emotionally, I’m doing quite well. At least, in terms of where I’ve been in the past 6 months. Partly, this is me coming to terms with the reality of the situation with Max, part of this is me giving into forgiveness and compassion, part of it is my fantastic base of wonderful people’s in my life and part of this probably has something to do with Dave. He is a good man. He’s always there when I need him, no matter what, without question. He is loving, kind, works hard and our relationship is just…easy. We rarely argue, there just isn’t the kind of resistances I’ve experienced in past. He also spoils me rotten (did I mention the ring I got for the holidays and how he cooks for me whenever I don’t feel like cooking and does the dishes after too? Whoa) and it’s really hard not to like that. He just does things, I don’t even have to ask. He’s also very cuddly and everyone knows I’m a total cuddle monster, so that works out nicely. There must be a downside right? Yes, there always is…a) I, Sarah of the animals, can honeslty 100% without a doubt state publically state that I dislike his dog very very very much. No need to go into detail here, but this animal..well, I know it’s not just me. No one likes this dog and it really hurts me that I feel so strongly about it b/c I have never ever experienced such a situation. The dog is just…unbearable. So, this has caused some issue, but we are working through it. Dave knows what he’s got on his hands, I’m not the first person in his life to put their foot down about the poor doggy. I feel kind of bad for the doggy, he’s just a mess…but it’s Dave’s dog and they are uber bonded and. Which I can completely understand. BAILEY BOO BOO! I LOVE YOU – shout out for my AWESOME dog. Which she is btw, really…her bday is in February. There will be doggy cakes and hats. I’ll post pics
The other issue is that Dave is extremely introverted and private where as we all know that I am not at all like that, socially anyway. I walk into a room and talk to everyone, meanwhile, he’s smiling and nodding and it takes him a while to warm up enough to actually speak. Lucky for me, my best friend of 20+ years is also an extreme introvert and I am pretty comfortable with it when it comes to our personal relationship…but the challenge comes when we are social with other people. I’m always so concerned he’s not having fun or that he’ll be uncomfortable some how. Which, he never really is, it’s all me being anxious about nothing. Plus, I’m learning that I don’t have to be in the spotlight all the time. I don’t intend to, but I realize that my personality is naturally boisterous and loud and enjoys engaging with anyone and everyone, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respectful of the fact that others aren’t built the same way. See, I AM learning how to be a grown up
I’m still hoping to get out to visit the Rose Bud, but I am nervous about actually getting out of the state this year for a vacation. I want to see Paula and go to Yellowstone as well, so it’s sort of dizzying to think about making it all happen. I’m not a patient woman when it comes to these things. I want what I want, when I want it and that is usually right friggen NOW. I’m getting there. Or at the very least, get realer about who I am.
Off for now chickee’s….guess I should do some work.
Loves to you all
S
Monday, January 18, 2010
Finally, time to blog....
As predicted, this past month or so is a complete blur. Between Max’s visit, the holidays, work and some health issues Dave has been having, life feels a little more like a speeding train then the ambling, but focused railway car I’m attempting to emulate. I suppose I should start with Max because I know all will want an update on the subject and I can quite honestly say that I’ve not processed the visit yet. I do that, I sort of put the idea of “Max” in the back of my mind and try not to dwell on it too deeply because let’s face it, it’s a painful subject at times and living in that headspace can become debilitating for me. For some time now, I’ve been rolling with the punches and doing my best to continue to move onward and upward. But of course, having Max here for a week certainly made the reality of our separation a real one and while I do find myself missing him at times, frankly, a week long visit is probably just about the perfect amount right now. There is still a fair amount of tension between us and I think it’s going to take time and space to heal for both of us. We hurt each other, that’s the bottom line and based on how tightly joined we’ve been for his entire life; I knew the invedible separation of our respective lives would be a trying one on us both. I can also see now, that a lot of this WAS about his dad. Needing that connection, seeing dad as a way out of his responsibilities he had here with me and the expectations I had for his behavior. I can see a lot now that I could not that then and some of it is still pretty painful. Some of it makes more sense too.
So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.
Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.
There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.
There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.
In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.
Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.
Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.
So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.
Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.
There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.
There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.
In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.
Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.
Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
There Will Be An Update
….coming soon…..
I just don’t have the energy today, I’m pretty burned out from the holidays and a touch of the crud.
Today is my father’s birthday though and I feel I should acknowledge that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how time and space can heal many many things, if you let it.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Daddy, sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I love you.
I just don’t have the energy today, I’m pretty burned out from the holidays and a touch of the crud.
Today is my father’s birthday though and I feel I should acknowledge that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how time and space can heal many many things, if you let it.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Daddy, sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I love you.
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