A Few Random Thoughts While My Report Queue Job Executes

• For the first time EVER, I have highlighted my hair. Sure I’ve played with reds and maroons and even black (oh those angsty teen years, weren’t THEY fun?) but I’ve never actually added blonde highlights to my already naturally blonde hair. Why you might ask? Because as I’ve aged, my hair has become more dishwater then blonde and finally my vanity stepped in said “Sarah, you are far too young to be looking so haggard! You can do something about it you know?” So, after careful research I found a product that would highlight my existing highlights and supposedly give my lovely locks and all over gorgeous shine. And guess what kids? It worked and now my hair is the same sun kissed color I remember from my 20’s. Now, if I could only get the rest of me to appear as youthful, I’d be quite please. Next is the weight and I’m considering a new piece of body art to signify my next transition.

• Realizing that I rarely spend money on creature comforts, I purchased a very cozy white cotton hospital blankie to go under my comforter because I find myself colder at night then I’d like to be. Very unpleasant side affect to a quickly deteriorating heating system. Whoever moves in there after me will definitely have to have that looked at. I also purchased a cool mist humidifier for my room. I am in heaven in my bed, it’s like my sanctuary and I’ve decided to make it as such from here on out. I’ve also decided to stop denying myself such things as warmth and feeling pretty for whatever reason it is that I do that to myself. Perhaps I feel I have to punish myself right now because no one else is. THAT’s something to take with me to the therapist’s office.

• Speaking of, I’m “interviewing” at the moment. I’m sure I’ll find the right match; I wish I didn’t have to pay a co-pay every time. After all, you have to kiss a few couches before you find the perfect one in which to be analyzed on.

• We are very eager to move. Don’t expect much communication from me in the coming weeks. For those of you who don’t know, moving makes me an insane person. I get worked up, really worked up about everything being out of place. My OCD kicks into high gear and I end up feeling like a basket case during the entire experience. At least, that’s how the last move went. Maybe this won’t be like that, surely it can’t be. I’m not facing the same situation, which included well intentioned friends who pretty much planted themselves at my house for 5 days straight and frankly gave me no room to manage the whole thing, a broken toe oh and Chance. Who could forget. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten (or quite forgiven yet) but we are almost there. Clearly the move represents transition on many levels. Kristen thought I might not be sick as often, let’s hope she’s right. Maybe I can begin shedding skins that are weighing me down like you wouldn’t believe.

• Max has been wonderful recently. As I said to Mary, let’s not jinx it. But we are in a good place at the moment, he’s working hard at school (with a certain amount of hand holding from mom, but whatever, you do what you have to do with your children) and he has a friend that is a girl, though they aren’t actually dating yet, but they like each other and “hang out.” Swoon. Young love, it really can be sweet can’t it and not screw up your whole life because you ran off with a guy 6 years your senior with long hair and a car and could buy beer and wanted to get you out of your abusive home life. Oh wait….that’s not Max. Duhhh Sarah, don’t forget girl…he’s NOT YOU. Get over yourself sister.

• Facebook has become so much more a joy then MySpace ever was for me. I fear it’s headed down the MySpace path but what I’m realizing is that like in “real” life, who you spend time interacting with makes all the difference.

• I have exciting news about a dear friend but I’m not sure if I can “out” the news yet. I’ll leave that up to her.

• Crystal is rocking the CPA as we all knew she would. And loosing weight and looking like the hot mommasita we all know she always has been and always will be. I might get to see her soon depending on what Memorial Day brings. I keep thinking of how weird it is that every time I hug her after not having seen her for a long time, I almost knock her over with and then inhale deeply because I always like her smell. Is that weird stalker behavior or what? It seems a little strange to me, but she’s never been like “Ok freak, that’s enough!” so I guess I’ll just let that be what it is and move on.

• Matty and I had a lovely visit Friday night. Gawd I miss him, it’s hard not to miss someone you practically spent every weekend with for several years. We’ve both grown so much and I’d say we are closer then ever and we’ve decided that it will be my job to get us to Mexico and his job to sit on the beach and drink a lot. He’s already got his passport ready, yayyy Matty. Almost there bro, hang in there.

• Richard is working on my car again this weekend. It needs a new power steeling line installed. All together now “PAIN IN THE ASS” for him. Poor guy, he’s so patient and understanding. How lucky am I? It’s a pricey job, shitty timing but I can’t help but still feel a sense of gratitude because with Richard I would be so much more stressed about it. And I wouldn’t know Richard without Randall and I wouldn’t know Randall without Carin. It is fascinating how one amazing person in a life time can affect you forever. I thanked Randall for that the other night. For introducing me to Crystal, who also changed my life. I’m like shocked out how truly cool Richard is, like he’s just one of those people. Like Randall. Randall keeps telling me “See, there are GOOD guys out there. Just hold out ok?” I think he’s trying to make a point, seeing that we’ve both been put though the love wringer recently. Sigh, another day. Anyway, thank the good sweet gods for Richard. I can’t help but feel such joy for the simple fact that I can rely on him. Relying on a man? Whoa, not to be entered into lightly no matter what the context of the relationship.

• Doh gotta go. Jobs done. I’m out, I’ve gotta go to the store, do some light house cleaning and make my kid do his homework. Peace out ya’ll, love you!

Sheryl Crow "Detours"

http://www.last.fm/music/Sheryl+Crow/Detours/Detours

We Got The House!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go in on Monday to sign the lease, pay the deposit and pick up the keys. We can start moving on March 1st (which is a Sunday) but she said we could start on Feb 28th if we want (it needs to be Sarah-cleaned for sure before we can move in. We will have well into March to move, but I'd like to make it happen and be out of our current place by March 15th at the latest. I will miss the 47th street condo, I'm sad it didn't pan out as expected...but I won't lie, there is a part of me that is really ready to move on and be done with this part of my life. I will feel a tug about all that we are leaving behind, but a fresh start is something I can't help but look forward to.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

More details to come :)

OMG OMG OMG

This is the house we are looking at tomorrow @ 4:30:

http://denver.craigslist.org/apa/1028016135.html

It friggin' rocks! I can't believe how incredibley cheap it is, they had it up there for $1200 a month ago, they must want to rent it. I already talked with the management company and my credit score qualifies. If everything goes smoothly tomorrow and our application is approved, we'd start moving in March 1st 2009.

OMG OMG OMG

Keep your fingers crossed!

:)

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was pretty stellar over all, busy, but definitely feeling good come this Monday morning. Though, I always do wonder how my weekends seem to escape me so easily. It’s not fair, they are never long enough and I never feel rested enough. Guess that comes with the territory when you are a weekend warrior 

Friday Night:
Cleaned house, took the Baby Jetta to Richard’s. That guy is so friggin cool, so is his daughter and girlfriend. Randall met up with us and gave Max and I a ride home. We dropped Max off and went out for a few hours, shenanigans did ensue and Randall went home while I did karaoke and got a ride home from the DJ whom is quite sweet and adorable and I appreciate his kindness in getting me home safely.

Saturday:
Slept in, did some laundry, was fairly lazy. Max and I watched some movies and did a little neighborhood house hunting.

Sunday:
Picked up the Baby Jetta, she’s happy now. She needs a new power steering pump, which is going to hurt the wallet a little but Richard is the shiznit and is going to make it not hurt to badly. Proceeded to drive around Wheat Ridge/Arvada looking for a suitable rental. We found at least 4 places I am interested in calling, 2 of them are houses, 2 are duplexes. All very nice and cute. A friend of mine who also recently filed for bankruptcy just moved and had NO problems finding someone who will rent to her AND she’s got 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 kids. This gives me so much hope! While out and driving around, this happened:



The Baby Jetta is officially over the 80K mile mark. Wow. Time flies and the mileage on my car some how seems indicative of the mileage on me! In the past 4.5 years that I’ve had that car….SO very much happened. A life time of activity it seems. 4 years, man that’s crazy. And here I am, a little wiser, a lot older and feeling the wear and tear of my life…but still hanging in there. Just like the Baby Jetta. HORRAYYYY US

This week looks relatively quiet, compared to last in which I had something going on every night after work. Shew.

Love to you all, more soon.
Xo
S

Babies & Bumpkins

Max and I spent Wednesday evening with the ever lovely Kim and her boys. Yet another reschedule from my birthday weekend, I was eager to get over there and see how much that baby has changed in the month since he was born. Guess what? He’s still a baby, he still poos and coos and needs constant attention and has two parents who are handling it all pretty amazingly. Yay baby, month 1 was a success as we all knew it would be.

Nick and Max made tempeh taco’s for dinner (really good, so easy and I needn’t even discuss the nutritional value of such a meal) while Kim and I took baby Quinn for a walk at Cheesman park. Like a dumbass, I wore the wrong shoes and now have two very red and angry blisters on my heels, but it was worth it. Had to break those shoes in eventually. During our walk, Kim filled me in on what it’s like to be the mother of an infant; how they are fairing as a couple; How Dylan, Gus & Amigo (2 year old black schnauzer, 3 year old lab collie mix, 3.5 year old orange/cream long haired feline) are adapting to the new critter in the house and finally, how she’s healing up from the c-section. Poor thing, think leeeetle teeny tiny momma and big big baby head – voila c-section to go.

After our walk, we sat down and did dinner family style with baby Quinn being passed around and man handled by all during the meal. When Max was asked if HE wanted to hold the baby he said “Ha, no way! Toooo little for me!” FYI, Max has a seemingly prevalent fear amongst males that he might drop the baby or be to rough and hurt it some how. I explained to him that babies are really resilient and he’ll squeal if you are doing anything wrong (no pressure there huh?) and that I highly doubted Max would ever hurt a single living thing. Na huh, not happening. No dice. We had a wonderful meal and as we sat and visited after dinner dishes were done and dessert was on it’s way out (OMG Pete’s butter crunch ice cream? HELLO!) I felt so warm in the presence of this family, truly and honor to be included.

First, I need to say how striking it is that these two really seem to have this whole infant thing under control. As is to be expected, they are a little frazzled as they learn how to make the baby happy because we all know if baby isn’t happy, NO ONE is happy. So that’s always the first order of business of course. But besides that, they just seem very matter of fact like this is the baby and this is what he needs and we’ve got it covered. They are total naturals at this. No one seems overwhelmed or stressed or freaked. Just really tired.

Second, how they interact with Quinn is a true testament to their partnership. They have that weird unspoken telepathy thing I’ve seen with other couples (achem you know who you are) and do seem to be capable of working in total tandem with one another without much effort at all. How does that happen I wonder because other then with my girlfriends, I’ve yet to have that experience with a male. It’s fascinating to watch.

Finally, there is one more kid in the world who is wanted and going to be loved and nurtured every day of his life as such. Which also means there is one less kid in the world going hungry or being mistreated. It moves me to tears to see a child born into such love and passion and goodness. Quinn is really lucky and so are the Kim & Nick because they’ve got a brilliant start to a beautiful and happy life together.

On a more personal note, I will admit to being brought back to a time when I was the mother of a newborn baby and I felt a tinge of something (not sure exactly what) as I watched Nick actually parent his son. It might’ve been something like a retroactive jealousy? Or sadness? Or even maybe even a little pride. Max’s father did nothing to help when his son was born. In fact, Sean made things harder. Besides the obvious things anyone who knows me or has read this blog long enough knows that little bit of information, I don’t think Sean ever even once changed a diaper, got up with Max in the middle of the night, fed him, burped him or bathed him. No wonder I was so overwhelmed. I always just thought I was a horrible mother or that maybe I had no business having a baby in the first place. I always say “there’s a reason it takes two people to make a baby” but I am not sure I ever really listened to myself and acknowledged what that has meant for Max and I. It’s crazy how time and experience and watching others live their lives can really give your perspective on your own.

Happy Birthday Miss Crystal!

Happiest of Birthday's to my favorite hug-ee, Mrs. Crystal Joy Ewers-Huish! I love you darlin', may this year fill your spirit to the brim with love, happiness and prosperity. You so rock, thank you for being born and sharing your life with me :)

Noon Time Park Adventures

It’s 60-something degree’s out and sunny today, not a cloud in the sky; certainly occasion to scoot over to the park for lunch hour. So glad that I did, because without having done so I would’ve missed the following:

1. Toddlers toddling the playground equipment
2. Babies giggling in swings
3. Momma’s pushing strollers with sleeping infants while getting some much needed exercise and “me time”
4. A giant Great Dane walking a giant man
5. Random black and white long haired calico cat who trotted with me a few steps each time I circled her near her hood
6. 2 women at least in their 60’s, walking 2 matching Pomeranians with stern and serious looks
7. 4 gaggles of geese
8. 2 sets of children trying to feed 4 gaggles of geese
9. 1 solitary and somewhat shadowy figure in the partially frozen over pond
10. And 2, yes 2 Snow Geese!

The laughter and delight of children inherently colors my mood yellow. Watching women pushing strollers in their jogging suits and on roller blades reminded me of a time when I did such things with my own baby in his own stroller. The dog walkers were full of a particular kind of hilarity today and the cat that kept trotting with me, surely to keep an eye on me as I passed, was so adorable I tried to reach out to her, but she wasn’t having it. She was clearly guarding something and was friendly enough, but didn’t want me to near so I just nodded to her on my 2nd and 3rd time around.

The geese, which seem to have over-run Colorado parks and recreational area’s this winter, tickle my giggle bone. They seem so gangly and awkward on land, like teenage boys, yet unbelievably graceful in water and air. Beautiful animals, I’d really like to touch the big plump ones but I had an unfortunate goose experience at age 5 or 6 and while I am not necessarily afraid of them, I do know that many of them are not to be trusted and I don’t go out of my way to interact with them, I’m perfectly content just to watch and listen. I do take a special glee in my presence being just enough to herd those little rascals off the sidewalk as I walk by, waddle waddle honk honk. Clearly, the various groups of children attempting to feed the geese also took a great deal off glee in herding the geese around the park because there was a lot of squealing, by the kids AND the geese. Shenanigans in its truest form.

The 2 Snow Geese aren’t something I’ve seen in Colorado before. I seem to remember them from Wisconsin as a child, but never here. Obviously a couple, they strode around like celebrities and the other geese seemed fascinated by them. The bigger of the two, I’m assuming the male, had such a manner, I couldn’t help but laugh. The well known “male strut” is recognizable across just about any species.

And finally, I am sure the shadowy figure in the water is our friend the marmot. Rhy and I discovered him two summers ago, quite by accident while throwing koi fish food to the catfish. We’d made quite a ruckus on the north side of the pond and there were so many fish trying to get to the koi food that it must’ve got that marmot curious about the goings on and it came out of from a little rock cove on the west side of the pond, steadily wading his way over to where we were….sort of ominously to be honest, we were like what the hell is that? Then, in a split second, he popped up and disappeared under the water and we both saw just enough of him to know what it was. To small to be a beaver, but looks a lot like one. We think there might be two of them because we’ve seen two shapes under the water before, but today only one was out. I’m curious about what he eats; a preliminary web search indicates they are primarily herbivores. If that’s the case, there is plenty o’ green crud in that pond for the little dude to feast on.

All of this AND there was a slight breeze moving the tree’s around. I swear I smelled spring in the air today. I really could get used to this.

In Honor Of Pumpkin P Kitty

more animals

The Things We Learn In A Week

Has it really been a week since I blogged? Wow, what a slacker. Guess I should elaborate on what I’ve learned in the past 7 days:

1. I am allergic to Milk Thistle
I’ve been cleansing for the past week or so. After weeks of a very unpleasant head cold and what seems like months of my not being well, I finally had enough. So, after my birthday I cut out all animal products (including dairy *gasp*) and began supplementing my cleanse with a concoction of herbs that consisted of fiber, a natural laxative and milk thistle. All was going swimmingly (lost 2 pounds and was feeling pretty great sans the crabby mood from cheese withdrawl) when suddenly, on the 7th day you are supposed to up the amount of milk thistle you take from 1 – 3 capsules, 3 times per day. By 3 AM on Monday morning, I’d awoken to an unpleasant burning sensation in my guts. Let’s just say it didn’t get better from there and I stupidly attempted to get to work, stopping to vomit along the way, vomiting everything plus some when I got to work, turned back around only to get het home and spend the remainder of the day in misery. Finally, after flushing my system with about 2 gallons of water I began to feel better and began to do some research. I knew it had to be the milk thistle b/c it was the only thing that had changed in several days and sure enough, all the symtoms I was having (similar to a stomach flu) are a sure fire sign of allergy. Needless to say, I’ve learned that one should never, under any circumstances, mix Tree Fruits & Milk Thistle.

2. Mood & Teenagers
When managing the wiley teenage human, caregivers should take great care to avoid being influenced by the ever changing mood of said teenager in any way. They are completely insane and cannot be trusted.

3. Viva La Vida
The new Coldplay release, Viva La Vida, has made it’s way onto my iPod (thanks Max) for my birthday. As a known and long standing member of the Sarah Loves Coldplay fan club, I find myself having mixed reviews of their newest efforts. Lyrically, the entire cd is outstanding. I wouldn’t expect anything less. There are at least 5 songs that are noteable, and a few that I can’t quite get past the very poppy vibe of the music. So, I’m a little torn about a few of the tracks, but over all it’s something I’ll be listening to frequently for a while. I now have the complete set of American releases and can get started on the UK B-sides. Next, I have to get the new Radiohead which came out last year and how I can call myself a Radiohead fan and not have the new cd is beyond me, how I love those pasty Brit Rockers sigh. New music has taken a slight backseat while getting my existing collection over to iTunes.

4. February Birthdays
I now officially have more Birthdays in February to celebrate then any other month. In order, ready?

Crystal
Sandy
Winter Park Boy
Jim (mom’s husband)
Laura
Kristen
Carol

What is with all of you fellow Aqurians in Pisces in my life? Frigging fishies….  Next comes March which is another slew of people I love love love!

5. Little India
Finally, Friday night I was able to have some kind of birthday celebration with the ever lovely Miss Sassy Sandy Pants. And my goddess, that woman IS sassy as ever. In fact, I’m thinking of taking Sassing Lessons from her so I can learn how to give it back to Max without him even knowing he’s just been sassed until it’s too late! As always, our conversation was incredible, the food was delectable and I splurged and had a glass of buttery delicious red wine. How can you go wrong?

Back to work, tomorrow we are going to see the Baby Quinn and have dinner with Kim & family. Mmmmm, baby smells. They make me happy. Ta ta for now peeps. xoxo

Today's Secret

I am in the information technology industry and it pays my bills well. I enjoy the conveniences and abundance of information the internet, email, blogging, text messages, iPods, cell phones, digital camera’s/video, GPS and so on provide us. I think the internet and the resulting technologies are to be considered one the most revolutionary discoveries ever next to the wheel and fire.

But I know that our beloved technologies are slowly robbing the ability of man kind to interact with one another and our environment on a human level. I believe we are witnessing evolution in rapid progression. I am apprehensive. I am concerned about our future as a species. I am fascinated and dazzled. I am a slave to it just like everyone else on my block.

The Difference Between 23 and 33

Reflective birthdays are probably the most productive I’ve decided. Admittedly, I was disappointed that I spent 3 nights and 2 days very literally in bed; sneezing, hacking, gagging and otherwise engaging in battle with the Snot Monster. I was also none to pleased to cancel my various long standing birthday plans with my girls because let’s face it kids, my girlz are my rock, without them I’d surely have gone completely insane by now. So, I allowed myself a few moments pout and got over it. Clearly, other plans were in store for me so I just went with it and I will say this; I slept like a baby (with medicinal assistance) all three nights for the first time in weeks. I also feel, in spite of how I may sound to my co-workers, considerably better and more rested on a Monday then I have in so long I can’t even remember. Max spent a good portion of the weekend at a friends, playing video games and when he came home he was tired and slept most of the time. Between his absence and my forced bed rest, I had some time to ponder 33 and what it means to me and so I will share that with you now in no particular order. Don’t expect anything terribly profound here people, this blog is based purely on a few scattered notes I made amid naps, sneezing attacks and hazy head spaces.

The Difference between 23 and 33

1. Obviously, the relationship between Max and his momma has changed dramatically. We’ve surely suffered through some tough times together, and had plenty of incredibly positive ones as well. I would say the main difference is one that can only come from age, both from me as a person/mother and him as a young child becoming a young man. Our communication is much more direct. I’ve lightened up considerably and find that we laugh more then I ever thought possible. He’s becoming who he is and I enjoy him more and more every day. On the days when I want to strangle him and I am covered in cloud of worry and doubts, I am more able to take a step back and see how far we’ve come and know that we’ve accomplished something as a family. I can look back at 10 years ago and see how completely inexperienced I was as a woman and as a parent. I can see that I truly did not realize the full depth of what it meant to be a mother, the importance of my impact on him. I know that might sound like a cop out, but I really truly did not “get it” until fairly recently just how critical I am to this kiddo. Again, one can know something logically, but not fully grasp it until it hits them in some grand manner. These past 2 years or so have definitely done that with Max and my main hope now is that it’s not to late and if nothing else, being a mother has been the most defining experience for me thus far. That’s not something I would have said in my early 20’s, I was determined to be more then “just” a mother. Silly woman, didn’t you realize then what an incredible honor it is to be someone’s mother? Cripes. I could just slap me.

2. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have cared how sick I was and went on with my plans anyway. I would have taken a ton of meds, went out and shared my germs with everyone, most likely drinking way too much and staying out way too late and ending up with bronchitis or something ten times worse then a simple cold. Because at that time in my life, nothing was going to get in the way of a rare opportunity to go out and party because those opportunities were far and few between. Now, I can safely say that I’ve had more then my fair share of fun and know that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll have fun again, so one weekend of plans in the grand scheme of things surely isn’t worth getting my panties to bunched up about. I’ve still been known to go out and party like a rock star though, so I’ve not kicked the bucket yet on that front.

3. There is a song by Alanis Morrisette entitled “Unsent.” It chronicles what I can only assume are her own reflections on past relationships with boys. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/unsent.html
It is painfully familiar to me. Each verse is like a chapter from my own book of my very complex love life in my 20’s. In retrospect, I can see that I hurt people, I was selfish, I agonized, I cried and languished. I ached for loves that were clearly not in my best interest and pushed away men that were good to me for men who could never appreciate me and would only end up breaking my heart. I was impatient, careless and truly relentless in my pursuit for a love that would some how complete me. I was searching for something I would never find in someone else and however unintentional hurtful my actions were, I caused a great deal of grief for more then just me during that time period. Finally, after years of unsatisfying love affairs, I began a journey of self-induced celibacy so I could get my head right and begin a journey of understand and healing, which I cut short only to get involved with this extremely charismatic man and found myself in an even more complex and painful relationship from 28 – 31.

Now, I cannot claim that I have the answers to all my years of searching or feign a stronger understanding of romantic love, but I know a few more things then I did a few years ago and undoubtedly, much more then I did 10 years ago. I know that I have to do what’s right for me and my family first and it’s ok to take my time. I know that you can have an intense chemistry with someone and it doesn’t mean you are meant to fall madly in love OR that you should jump into bed together. I know that my choices and actions have a farther reach then seem immediately apparent in any given situation. I know that lust can be a powerful and confusing experience, but that it does fade and often you are left with nothing else if you act on it prematurely. I know that sex serves an important purpose in romantic love and should not be used in any other fashion then to bond physically with your partner and strengthen intimacy and that anyone who plays those kind of games with me isn’t someone I want to share my body with. I know that how I trust people has changed and that I feel it’s important to be forthcoming and genuine about where you are in your life rather then risk hurt feelings later on because you just couldn’t help yourself. I know that I need to share a spiritual understanding with the man that I share my life with and it’s not just in the theoretical sense, I’m talking in the core-day-to-day stuff. I know that I cannot shrink myself to fit his needs or his idea’s of who I should be because I will burst out of it eventually, even if I wanted to stifle who I am at this point in my life, I simply cannot. I know that I have so much work to do on myself and that I will continue to grow and I need someone in my life who can grow with me and not be intimidated by that. I know that I have a lot of love to give and that not everyone can or will be able to receive it. I know I still have a lot of learning to do and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I am damaged beyond recognition because of the choices I’ve made. I know I could go on (and probably will) go on forever when it comes to this subject, but that I am making progress.

4. When I was 23, my mother and I were still barely speaking to one another. If we did speak, there was the chance that war would erupt at any moment. She said and did some very hurtful and manipulative things. I conceded to her every whim, kept my true feelings at bay and constantly gave her permission to rationalize her behavior. I also started realizing then that she had made life style choices I very strongly disagreed with at the time. I was judgmental and unsympathetic to the fact that she was a human being. I would not put down my own defenses long enough to see that she was really struggling and that she needed a little compassion and not just for me to agree with her. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her, which did neither of us any good.

Today, we are speaking regularly. She had an opportunity to mother me and take care of me this past summer with my leg injury and she did it. Not begrudgingly, she gladly did it and it helped us to begin the process of reuniting us as mother and daughter rather then adversaries. Our relationship will always be complicated, there’s just so much history there that we haven’t worked through and that’s something we are both working on respectively in our own lives. But I have forgiven her for many things and can now see her as a human being. She has started treating me much more like a daughter then her best friend and that has helped to change the dynamic of our communication. I feel positive about our continued growth and expect the bumps to come and go, but it’s a step in the right direction.

5. I weigh a solid 50 + lbs more then I did when I was 23. 2/3rds of that was gained in the last 3 years. It bothers me; I dislike very much being so chunky. I also look significantly older. My hair is short now and I wear glasses full time. Both things I never said I’d do.

6. My tastes in general have ‘matured.’ I listened to such a variety of music genre’s that attempting to classify what “type” of music I listen to now versus then would be unfair to the artists. I just know that I can see what appears to me to be a steady progression in depth. This goes for just about everything when I think of it. Food, make up, how I dress, what I read, what I write, what movies I watch, what art I enjoy. I’ve definitely found the light in my day to day rather then wallowing in darkness, which is so easier and much more fun to pretend you are a tortured artist then actually to be one.

7. Career wise I am more confident and find myself in a position I never even had the reach to dream for at 23. I just wanted to make enough money to get off the system and I did. After that, I sort of floundered for a while and now I’ve landed somewhere that both challenges and rewards me on all levels.

8. I didn’t realize how truly capable I am. I never gave myself enough credit and I took my youth for granted.

9. My friendships and whom I choose to spend time with have changed dramatically. My core group and my family have always been there though, no matter what and its taken time for me to learn how important that is and how not to screw up those relationships.

10. Rather then avoiding being alone at all costs, I have become protective of my solitude and more interested in quality interaction when I do have them with others.

11. I take things less personally.

12. I believe that the world is beautiful and that life is worth living, even on the shitty days.

13. I find myself more confident in general and less dependant on others for emotional support.

14. It is in everyone’s best interest to do the right thing and we all know what the right thing is when faced with a situation. It may not be the easiest or most immediately gratifying route, but down the line, it will make things so much simpler.

15. I no longer believe myself to be invincible and can see that this life does not last forever, so do your best not to blow it while you can.

To name a few *wink**wink**wink*

Curse You Germs, Curse You!

I caught the crud from my visitor last weekend, I fought it all week and now just in time for my bday weekend I feel like giant poo. There is a shiny red-Rudolph nose and I sound like a cat working out a hair ball when I cough. I have basically had to cancel all of my plans to spend time with friends I rarely see and new babies this weekend. I know if I don’t stay in bed and rest all weekend, I’m going to regret it later and I can’t risk missing work. I have reached my limit on patience with my immune system and I am feeling very pouty right now so if anyone wants to give me a hard time for being sick all the time, you might want to save it for a day when I didn’t have to cancel all my birthday plans.

On the upside, I think I’ve got most of my plans rescheduled for NEXT weekend which is fine with me if my friends don’t mind. I just hate to cancel on people who’ve gone out of their way to schedule me in their busy schedules to spend time with me for my BDay. Damn you germs! I keeeeel you!

So, I’m leaving early to go home and go to bed because I can’t face the world right now and I’m feeling very cranky about the whole situation.

Spicy Wasabi P

This blog is on honor of the Spiciest Wasabi P I know! I love you girl, feel better and if you come to Colorado I promise you will not be dissapointed.

Bow chica bow wow

The Many Wonders Of Life

Yesterday was incredible, wasn’t it? I was able to watch a rebroadcast of the inauguration speech later in the evening at home as we aren’t “supposed” to stream at the office else face the possibility of a serious flogging. I know it happens all the time, but I’ll keep that between you and me and the fencepost. Bandwidth issues aside, the inauguration speech was beautifully well spoken as is customary for Mr. Obama. Support his politics or not, I’ve yet to find a single person who can deny his abilities as an orator. What a courageous man, he just seems to ooze integrity in my eyes. There seems to be this sense that finally, perhaps American’s can look to the future with promise of positive outcome, rather then fear and shame. Maybe now we can begin to rebuild, at least there’s that hope now. Which is about all any of us can ask for at this point, it’s a start. Bless you Mr. Obama, be well.

January 20th 2009 brought about another defining moment for me. In the waiting room yesterday, surrounded by pregnant women of all stages and ethnicities and ages and socio-economic levels I was blinded-sided by just how miraculous the female is, how all of our complexities some how come together as one to become this being capable of bringing life into this world and sustaining it from our own bodies. This immediately brought me back to the responsibilities women bare simply because they can become pregnant and how that beautiful gift can become a burden. No doubt, having the right to choose when and/or if a woman becomes pregnant was a prominent factor in the women’s rights movement and while we know there have been ways to control pregnancy for thousands of years, having it out there in public as a basic human right makes this choice all the more empowering. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you to those women who fight for me to have the very right to choose what I want for my body and my life. I am forever indebted to you. The beauty of being a mother, of how our bodies radiate warmth and sensuality, how truly astonishing the female body is….none of this is lost on me, I celebrate it regularly. But I also celebrate my freedoms regularly as well and being knee deep in pregnant woman and visiting this specialist to help me protect my own body in the same office made me realize that these freedoms should never be taken for granted. It might be wise for me to consider this when thinking of where I’d like to put my volunteering energies because I was pretty overcome by the entire experience and I never want our daughters to go without this option. Hopefully, Obama’s administration will help halt the assault on woman’s rights and bring forth a new era of protecting us rather then trying to strip away our rights one sneaky bill at a time.

This morning, as I was taking Max to school, the streets were misted and a little dewed. It was beautiful. It’s January 21st 2009, not April 21st 2009 and though I’d like to just enjoy the forecast of 72 degree’s today and take a walk in the park and feel the sun on my skin, I cannot because I know as someone who’s lived in Colorado for more than half her life that this is entirely too warm for January. It’s happened before, but only in the last 15 years and only once. I don’t think I am being hysterical or exaggerating the issue, we all know what’s happening, yet I personally feel helpless to stop it other then by doing my part which seems like not enough. I know many feel this way and choose to do nothing. This thinking surely is partly why our planet is fighting to survive at this point and I’m left wondering what can be done to educate the masses and get the message out that we’ve already done irreparable damage. We don’t have the luxury of time to “fix’ these problems, we have to start living differently now and I think in order to make that happen it has to come from the top. Legislation has to happen to force people to change because so many can’t or won’t do it on their own.

Easily, I could go on about the challenges our culture faces. On and on. But my heart has been lightened considerabley, Obama has a full plate. We all do. But maybe we can tackle it together now as a world community.

Controlled Chaos

Life does that to us sometimes, doesn’t it? Throws a little spin in the mix to keep it interesting, this week will most definitely be interesting time wise. The month or so previous to now has been the calm before the storm, as I’d suspected all along. You dirty birdy you, time just keeps ticking.

This week in a nutshell:

Monday, January 19, 2009
1) Work
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) Max Drs @ 3:30 (something weird going on w/ right elbow)
4) Max’s hair cut
5) Light house cleaning
6) Laundry
7) Burn Aunty MB’s CD’s
8) Burn Darrell’s CD’s
9) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1) Come in by 6:30 AM, work till 12:30 PM
2) OBGYN Drs Appt 1
3) Bank
4) Gas/Car Wash
5) Mail CD’s
6) 2 hour work out
7) Pay speeding ticket online (don’t ASK, but it was a doosey….did you know they don’t’ like it when you speed in working zones? Shit!)
8) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) 1 hour work out
3) Grociery shopping
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Thursday, January 22, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 5:00 PM
2) My birthday lunch at work
3) 2 hour work out
4) Make dinner for Thursday & Friday nights
5) Visit Matty for his bday
6) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Friday, January 23, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) 1 hour work out
4) Settle Max for the night (dinners etc)
5) Dinner w/ Sandy @ Little India @ 6 PM

Saturday, January 24, 2009
1) 7 AM - 2 hour work out
2) Brunch @ Kim’s @ 10 AM – 12 AM for baby snuggling and bday brunch
3) Apartment hunting
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)
5) I need a hair cut badly
6) 5 PM + PARTAAAY For My Birthday

Sunday, January 25, 2009
1) Whatever I damn well want

This or course is all contingent on how crazy work gets and anything that might come up with Max.

Next week is going to be all about working out, packing up the house and apartment hunting. Woo hoo, no stress at all right?

In February I have an appointment to meet with a student advisor at Metro to discuss what credits will carry over from my previous degree and what core classes I can start taking that can be applied to my BA once I figure out what I want that to be. I have Microsoft Certification classes schedule in March.

We should be moving by March 1st, April 1st if we are lucky. We’ll see, I’m still waiting on that definite date from the bank/county trustee. They are dragging ass I can tell you, but I’m not complaining. Longer to save up money.

Ok, off for now. Love to you all
xoxo

Good Good Ju Ju Matty

Matt is going in for his stem cell harvest tomorrow, it’s a big big day people and we all need to get on board with sending out the good ju ju to the Universe, asking for protection and health. Next week should (hopefully) be his last round of chemo, then radiation and then let the healing begin.

I promised Matt we’d go on vacation together when he’s up to it. Any suggestions?

GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU

Review Time

I'm crazy busy so this will be brief:

My company rocks. My manager rocks. I rock.

Life is good, got another sizable raise. Wow. I'm sort of speechless right now.

They are going to make me work for it this year, that's for sure. Expect less blogging and communication from yours truly in the coming months.

Wow

xo
S

Ok Wind, Let's Have A Chat

I realize the importance of wind. Mother Earth uses wind to propagate plant life, spread the various temperatures of the planet around, move precipitation around to the land masses from the sea and speak to us of changes. I get this and lest I be struck down for complaining about such a powerful and important element, I have to say that I’ve had about all I can take of the winds lately.

Gentle breezes that talk and excite the trees in the summer and fall are just fine by me, the air that comes off the ocean on the beach or in the bay’s is quite enjoyable and when it’s 100+ degree’s in Denver in the middle of July, then I know we are all thankful for some kind of air disruption. Which rarely happens because heat rises and stifles even then wind when it’s THAT hot out.

But this, this blustery bout as of late has gotten under my skin. It rattles my windows at night, toys with the ceiling fan in the bathroom and sounds like some angry spirit rising up to give me a piece of its mind. It yells at me when I open the door to my office and I have to fight it to get back out. It tries to blow me off the highway and I have to fight it again to stay on the road. And, it just throws my whole being into a funk when I am faced with it whipping around me as I travel from car to house or house to car and to work or whatever. It unsettles me and makes me crappy and I’m already crabby today because I want to eat everything, my tummy looks like a Goodyear Tire has been attached to it and I’d rather be at home reading a book, under the covers then at work right now.

So wind, what gives? I realize the world can’t stop for just one person and I’m not asking for any kind of special treatment here, but I have to tell you….I’m getting a little put off from the whole thing and I know it’s not intentional, but could you gut a girl a break today? Please. Because I can’t go another night with not enough rest and I seriously can’t get warm, no matter how many layers I have on.

How about we make a deal? I will more openly acknowledge how vastly amazing your powers are if you stop blowing in my ear tonight so I can sleep like a baby? Just for tonight, ok?

Ok, thanks.

Love you wind, you’re the best.

Happy Birthday To You

Today is my father’s birthday. He would be in his mid fifties now, barely old enough to have a 33 year old daughter, let alone a 16 year old grandson. I wonder what kind of grandfather my father would have been to Max. Naturally, I also often wonder what kind of father he would have become through the years. Who would I be today? How would his presence have differently formed me? I realize these questions are moot, but it is fair for me to ask them and finally, I’ve stopped feeling otherwise. As if by doing so I am betraying my mother. Or his memory.

Some might believe you cannot miss someone you hardly know. You cannot long for a man whose face you hardly remember. This is not true for me. I do miss him, or maybe I miss the part of me that is missing. It’s hard to say.

He may be gone from this life and my questions may never be answered, but clearly, an aspect of his legacy lives on. It is said that my father was a fiercely passionate man and that in this way, I take after him. I thank him for that. I know there must be other things within me that stem from him that live on, but I am sort of always left to question that because I’ll never really know for sure.

It took a rather startling comment from my Aunty MB for me to realize that another way in which my father lives on through the generations is the fact that my son does look quite a bit like my father. I went and dug up some pictures that I tend to not look through very often because I have spent a life time thinking I needn’t really “deal with a lot of this right now” and by putting those pictures and letters and poems in boxes for a later date, I could sort of pretend like this pain wasn’t lurking somewhere in that closet which I can now realize is wholly symbolic of my heart. I think I’ve always been so absorbed with just surviving or other distractions to begin to delve much further then the logical obvious that when a little girl’s daddy dies, it’s going to affect her forever. Stuffed down pain doesn’t hide for long, it surfaces and when it does, it surely can take some ugly forms if not managed properly. Anyway, that’s a subject for another day. What I will tell you is that while looking through some of these photo’s of my father as a young man, I can see a pretty clear resemblance between him and my son. And now that I can see this, I can’t un-see it. It does not make me sad. Not in the least. That’s progress folks, major.

Some days, I feel I can’t dwell to long on this subject because clearly the fates had different ideas for me and my father. I know he loved me, I know my mom loves me. I know they did the best they could, I know how easy it is to fall into the abyss as a parent and not fully realize how your decisions are affecting your children, or the other people you share bonded love with. Experience does that to you, you know. It brings about tolerance of things that perhaps you once blamed another harshly for. My parents were just children, jeez he was still such a young man when he passed….still only on the verge of man-hood once could argue, even though he had a daughter and another on the way. I’ve long since forgiven him in my mind.

But, sadly, the heart is another matter. I still haven’t forgiven him for leaving such a big hole in me, even if it’s not his fault that he was taken so early, that’s where the blame lies. Again, it’s that whole idea of logically knowing something and reality being two different things. And on days like today, I miss him and I am sad that he’s not here to share in life’s little pleasures. No doubt Rose will likely have children and while I am done having kids, I know my father would have liked very much to have a grandson. I think my dad would’ve grown into himself, like we all do.

So, I wanted to wish him happy birthday in a public way.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you. You are missed.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve said that word, it makes me cry but it feels good.