In 3 days Solstice will be upon us and I always enjoy it so much, even when I’m being all cranky and scroogy, I still get pretty brightened up around Solstice.
I found THE coolest goddess coloring book and glitter pens online, I called Journey and they said they have them in stock. I hope they are still there by the time I make my way down there.
I plan to spend my Solstice coloring and cooking as it’s going to be the perfect weekend to stay inside and cook comfort foods. I already bought some candles for the occasion….I wonder if I can get Max to eat butternut squash soup….?????
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Brrrrr Dammit!
It is unusually cold in Colorado these days, 7 degree’s last night. Monday morning it was -11. Dood, this aging body does not manage the wildly fluctuating weather patterns of this state as much as it once did. I can’t get warm, no matter how much tea I drink or oatmeal I eat or sweaters I wear. I can’t get enough sleep, no matter how much I sleep. I can’t tell if it’s the crud or the weather or both. Probably both. I haven’t worked out in like 2 weeks now b/c of class last week and now this nonsense, I’m worried I’ll fall off the wagon. I was doing SO good and there is a noticable difference in my stress level when I work out regularly, as in….it becomes manageable and I’m not as prone to emotional outbursts and/or giving Max a piece of my mind when he surely wasn’t even asking for it or expecting it.
Poor kid. He’s been fighing this crap since Friday evening I think. Though he sounds much better today then he has over the past few days. He sounds almost croupy. If you’re kid ever had croup as a toddler, you know the sound. It is recognizable from the onset. He does seem on the mend tho and just texted me that he got the highest grade on the American History term final of anyone in the class! GOOOO MAX!
I finally put up few scant holiday decorations yesterday. I admit it sort of brightened the house up a little and I’d forgoitten how much I enjoy the lights. The lights are my favorite part of this time of year in terms of decoration, they sparkle and wink and talk to me. My hopes of getting cards out have faded, I’m choosing not to feel guilty about it.
We watched “Into The Wild” last night. I will be adding it to my “Sarah’s Top Movie Pick’s” list. You know, cuz my choices in music, theatre, film and literature matter a whole lot to the world. But, I’m keeping tabs of them anyway, maybe more for me then anyone else. So that when I’m an old woman, I can look back and trace my growth through the art’s? Perhaps.
“Into The Wild” is Sean Penn’s first directing/producing debut as I understand it. He is on my noted performer’s list, I began keeping close tabs on him after “I Am Sam”, “21 Grams” and “Mysic River”, all of which were heart wrenchingly profound for me, but his roles in particular in each were tremendous. Who knew Madonna’s ex bad boy would turn into such a phenomenal artist? You’re a stud Sean, seriously. I’m hoping to see you in “MILK“ this weekend.
“Into The Wild” quote I can’t get out of my head:
“….there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you.”
Gives me shivers to hear it again. Ronald Franz (the character who said it) reminds me of someone I know, it makes me cry. The whole movie is full of these kinds of tidbits, little leaders into the bigger theme….and a lot of tears for this sniffle-puss. Sometimes, you hear something that you know is truth for you and it resonates. Much of what I saw in this movie resonated for me.
I am tired and need to wrap up my work day and netti pot my head. For the record (to my concerned public) I take vitamins, get plenty of liquids and I haven’t been smoking or eating crap. The degree and length to which these colds/sinus things last are less and less and further and further in between. It is my opinion that there is something in my office or home that is attacking my immune system which is already comrpimised by kidney disease, stress and many many years of beating the hell out of my body for which I am now recovering. I haven’t lost faith in the fact that I can, some day be consistenly well andm I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I live with a teenager who brings all kinds of nastyness home from school. It is what it is, but I assure you all…I am taking very good care of myself. In fact, I’m being quite selfish about it and cancelling dinner things and other plans I’ve had for weeks so I can rest up and not be out in this freaking artic cold with a head that feels like a bubble and sinuses that are quite gooky.
It’s ALL GOOD
Poor kid. He’s been fighing this crap since Friday evening I think. Though he sounds much better today then he has over the past few days. He sounds almost croupy. If you’re kid ever had croup as a toddler, you know the sound. It is recognizable from the onset. He does seem on the mend tho and just texted me that he got the highest grade on the American History term final of anyone in the class! GOOOO MAX!
I finally put up few scant holiday decorations yesterday. I admit it sort of brightened the house up a little and I’d forgoitten how much I enjoy the lights. The lights are my favorite part of this time of year in terms of decoration, they sparkle and wink and talk to me. My hopes of getting cards out have faded, I’m choosing not to feel guilty about it.
We watched “Into The Wild” last night. I will be adding it to my “Sarah’s Top Movie Pick’s” list. You know, cuz my choices in music, theatre, film and literature matter a whole lot to the world. But, I’m keeping tabs of them anyway, maybe more for me then anyone else. So that when I’m an old woman, I can look back and trace my growth through the art’s? Perhaps.
“Into The Wild” is Sean Penn’s first directing/producing debut as I understand it. He is on my noted performer’s list, I began keeping close tabs on him after “I Am Sam”, “21 Grams” and “Mysic River”, all of which were heart wrenchingly profound for me, but his roles in particular in each were tremendous. Who knew Madonna’s ex bad boy would turn into such a phenomenal artist? You’re a stud Sean, seriously. I’m hoping to see you in “MILK“ this weekend.
“Into The Wild” quote I can’t get out of my head:
“….there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you.”
Gives me shivers to hear it again. Ronald Franz (the character who said it) reminds me of someone I know, it makes me cry. The whole movie is full of these kinds of tidbits, little leaders into the bigger theme….and a lot of tears for this sniffle-puss. Sometimes, you hear something that you know is truth for you and it resonates. Much of what I saw in this movie resonated for me.
I am tired and need to wrap up my work day and netti pot my head. For the record (to my concerned public) I take vitamins, get plenty of liquids and I haven’t been smoking or eating crap. The degree and length to which these colds/sinus things last are less and less and further and further in between. It is my opinion that there is something in my office or home that is attacking my immune system which is already comrpimised by kidney disease, stress and many many years of beating the hell out of my body for which I am now recovering. I haven’t lost faith in the fact that I can, some day be consistenly well andm I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I live with a teenager who brings all kinds of nastyness home from school. It is what it is, but I assure you all…I am taking very good care of myself. In fact, I’m being quite selfish about it and cancelling dinner things and other plans I’ve had for weeks so I can rest up and not be out in this freaking artic cold with a head that feels like a bubble and sinuses that are quite gooky.
It’s ALL GOOD
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am home sick today, so I'm going to write a quick update and go back to bed. And before anyone comments...I made it a whole 45 days since the "Great Strep Incident of 2008" and this isn't nearly as bad (I hope) just some crud Max brought from home that makes doing anything but laying down and breathing a challenge.....anyhow....
Training last week was incredible, what a fantastic opportunity. I'm glad the crud missed me long enough to attend, I learned so much and I am eager to get back to work and start applying it.
My weekend was a mixed bag. Rhi was in town to see Matt and we ended up having a pretty good time.
Friday night Rhi shows up with a new fairy for me, I think I am going to start collecting them. I'll post a pick of my current so ya'll can get a idea. They are too much fun. After our initial greetings and discussion, there was some shenenagans that included drunken kaorake, a visit from Sam The Man and his main squeeze and Rhi and I watching Gremlins in the middle of the night and giggling like school girls. BRIGHT LIGHT! I miss that, I miss having girlfriends in CO that I can be totally goofy with. There was a time when Crys & Rhi & I could not be trustetd, the 3 of us or any combination there of was definately prone to sillyness and they were good times. Those times are gone now and we all know that, but a brief revisit to sillyness never hurt anyone.
Saturday, Matty came over and we had some very AMERICAN Mexican food. Super generic, nothing terribley fancy...but edible. Matt seemed to be having a tough day, we'd planned to have Sam over to see him...but Nurse Sarah felt it was best to keep it super quiet. Matt is in my thoughts every day and seeing him sometimes helps me to reconnect what's in my heart with reality because I tend to get really worked up at times and seeing him more often is important, it will ground me. I am hoping we can make our "weekly dinner night" happen. I miss him.
So, through Sunday the weekend was a success in this sniffling girls opinion and I have to say, it brings a certain peace of mind to see Rhi doing well.
Sunday morning, Rhi calls the friends she rode out here with and they announce they aren't going back home (Chicago area) until Monday or Tuesday. This isn't acceptable, they basically stranded her in Denver and she had to report to work at noon today. I am not going to rehash the details but it all worked out for the best, Rhi got on a plane going one way to Chicago and met her friends there who took her home.
However, I will say this.....in this life you always have to have a back up plan. I know this, we all KNOW this but repeatedly I see it all around me. I went from "She Who Attemps To Control EVERYTHING" to "She Who Cannot Control ANYTHING" in a few short years and here I am, on the other side of it all with a whole new mixture of the two and everything in between. There are times when things happen that are out of you're control that you still have to navigaget and manage, whether it's your "fault" or not, whether you like it or not. Yes, there is much that can be done (like carefully choosing who you trust) to avoid ending up in said situations...but sometimes, it just happens. As a result, unfortunately, I've become rather jaded on the subject of relying on others in any way. There are people in my life I know I can depend on, no matter what. That I know love Max and I, that would never let us be on the street starving or left feeling alone during the tought times.
But I always wonder "At what cost to the relationship?" I'm learning that if I just handle it on my own and keep it to myself, I feel a lot less vulnerable.
Life can be so complicated, can't it? It does tend to be when you let people in doesn't it? I am still on the fence about whether there will be any "new" people "let in." So far, I'm not feeling it.
Ok, I'm off.....my whole body aches and Max just came down stairs to announce that he is nauseas and would like me to go get him some 7UP. Ha....and then monkey's are gonna fly out of my butt.
I'm going to bed.
Training last week was incredible, what a fantastic opportunity. I'm glad the crud missed me long enough to attend, I learned so much and I am eager to get back to work and start applying it.
My weekend was a mixed bag. Rhi was in town to see Matt and we ended up having a pretty good time.
Friday night Rhi shows up with a new fairy for me, I think I am going to start collecting them. I'll post a pick of my current so ya'll can get a idea. They are too much fun. After our initial greetings and discussion, there was some shenenagans that included drunken kaorake, a visit from Sam The Man and his main squeeze and Rhi and I watching Gremlins in the middle of the night and giggling like school girls. BRIGHT LIGHT! I miss that, I miss having girlfriends in CO that I can be totally goofy with. There was a time when Crys & Rhi & I could not be trustetd, the 3 of us or any combination there of was definately prone to sillyness and they were good times. Those times are gone now and we all know that, but a brief revisit to sillyness never hurt anyone.
Saturday, Matty came over and we had some very AMERICAN Mexican food. Super generic, nothing terribley fancy...but edible. Matt seemed to be having a tough day, we'd planned to have Sam over to see him...but Nurse Sarah felt it was best to keep it super quiet. Matt is in my thoughts every day and seeing him sometimes helps me to reconnect what's in my heart with reality because I tend to get really worked up at times and seeing him more often is important, it will ground me. I am hoping we can make our "weekly dinner night" happen. I miss him.
So, through Sunday the weekend was a success in this sniffling girls opinion and I have to say, it brings a certain peace of mind to see Rhi doing well.
Sunday morning, Rhi calls the friends she rode out here with and they announce they aren't going back home (Chicago area) until Monday or Tuesday. This isn't acceptable, they basically stranded her in Denver and she had to report to work at noon today. I am not going to rehash the details but it all worked out for the best, Rhi got on a plane going one way to Chicago and met her friends there who took her home.
However, I will say this.....in this life you always have to have a back up plan. I know this, we all KNOW this but repeatedly I see it all around me. I went from "She Who Attemps To Control EVERYTHING" to "She Who Cannot Control ANYTHING" in a few short years and here I am, on the other side of it all with a whole new mixture of the two and everything in between. There are times when things happen that are out of you're control that you still have to navigaget and manage, whether it's your "fault" or not, whether you like it or not. Yes, there is much that can be done (like carefully choosing who you trust) to avoid ending up in said situations...but sometimes, it just happens. As a result, unfortunately, I've become rather jaded on the subject of relying on others in any way. There are people in my life I know I can depend on, no matter what. That I know love Max and I, that would never let us be on the street starving or left feeling alone during the tought times.
But I always wonder "At what cost to the relationship?" I'm learning that if I just handle it on my own and keep it to myself, I feel a lot less vulnerable.
Life can be so complicated, can't it? It does tend to be when you let people in doesn't it? I am still on the fence about whether there will be any "new" people "let in." So far, I'm not feeling it.
Ok, I'm off.....my whole body aches and Max just came down stairs to announce that he is nauseas and would like me to go get him some 7UP. Ha....and then monkey's are gonna fly out of my butt.
I'm going to bed.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Not A Peep....
You won't be hearing much from me this week....it's class time hoooray .Net! Class hours are from 8 - 4:30 each day out in the tech center so I won't be home until much later then my normal time, which will cause an obvious shift in my evening routines.
I'll do my best to answer emails during my lunch hours, I'll be working during that time anyways...
love you all
xo
s
I'll do my best to answer emails during my lunch hours, I'll be working during that time anyways...
love you all
xo
s
Thursday, December 04, 2008
For Which I Am Thankful....
It’s been a quiet, but steady seven days since this time last week. My long holiday weekend was relaxing, mostly solitary and reflective. Taking the time to consider the person one wishes to become and the person one is actually becoming can be cause for both a sense of satisfaction and arduous internal debate.
Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?
I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….
What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.
At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:
a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.
b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.
c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.
When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.
Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?
I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….
What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.
At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:
a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.
b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.
c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.
When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
4 1/2 Day Weekends So Rock
Is there any other pleasure more simple then the anticipation of a long holiday weekend?
I am pretty amped about it, partially probably due to my lack of conciousness. I awoke at 5 AM without any real hope of drifting back into the blessed repreve that is sleep. Thomas (my bear) told me to give it up and get in the shower so I have spent the entire morning in a sleep deprived haze; which like when I was 8 years old, tends to make me a little silly and sensetive to things (up or down) I would otherwise not feel so anxious, excited, exhuasted, eager…etc about.
Why oh why, dear Tree Fruit, why were you up at such an hour when you normally sleep until at least 6:30?
Good question, I’ve been asking myself that since I dragged my sorry ass into the shower with my eyes half open, narrowingly missing Gaia’s tail as I shut the bathroom door and she scurried in at the last minute as is our morning ritual. I’d say it’s mostly because the entire night was a complete wash. I woke up at 11:30, 2:30, 3:30 and then finally at 5 it was inevidble. In between that time, what ‘sleep’ I was getting was restless. I kept thinking I heard Max getting up or having a bad dream and then my own thoughts would drift off to the current subjects at hand (Max and his Dad, sigh. When will we have to move? How much I dislike moving, how sore my arms are from those two armed-rows. Am I so wounded and cynical that I can never love romantically again?) and there you have it, recipe for fitful, absolutely unrestful and unsatisfying nights sleep.
Naturally it was decided in said shower that I’d grab a Starbucks (what a treat!) Iced Chai W/ Soy Milk and travel the yellow brick road to work. I was in the office by 6:15 AM this morning, at which point Anthony (our morning 24x7 guy who reminds me vaguely of the devious Wyle E. Coyote, not in looks but in behavior and in a good way) apparently thought it would be hillarious to scare the living crap out of me by jumping out from behind the first row of cubes as you walk in the door in a completely pitch black office sans the emergency lights that leave a green, misty, zombie-movie-esque glow around the entire office. After Anthony almost wore my chai tea, was scolded and swatted with my purse I made my way to my cube and got to work. He keeps walking by me and giggling like a 12 year old boy, I know this guy must have a little sister out there somewhere who hates him.
Nancy (The Bionic Wonder Boss) peaked her head in my cube as she got in and said “What…..Sarah, whare are you doing here at this hour?” I said: “What are you doing here at this hour?” She laughed and said she comes in every day by 6:45, I told her I knew that but it was no excuse. There was giggling and more ribbing and then straight to the business end of things.
Since, she has informed me that it is an early release day and the rest of the staff will be leaving at 3, but that I may leave at 2 because she saw my smiling (albeit caffiene enhanced and bleary eyed) face this morning before her own in an otherwise empty office. She asked if everything was ok. I told her I just couldn’t sleep. No biggy. She nodded, clearly understanding and said “We have those days, don’t we?” Meaning woman, mothers, best friends, sisters, aunts, grandmothers. She gets it, but she does it in such a matter of fact way, the way that a woman who’s been around the block a time or two might. Man, does she share some qualities with the other women I am close to or what? What's up with that? I love her......
Anthony just walked by my cube and threw a gum wrapper in my hair and walked away snickering. He’s either in love with me and metaphorically pulling my pig tails or likes to get a rise out of me, which males in general seem to enjoy doing a great deal. Apparently my reactions to their shennenagns are quite humorous. Mostly I just feel like I want screech and pout and stomp my foot and make them stop this instant! It’s something I never learned, how to not let little boys get me worked up.
I am going to give him a litlte love tap with my ruler next time he walks by if he doesn’t watch it. The guy is like 6’4”, there are many area’s in which a ruler can make sufficient impact without leaving a mark *snicker*
Needless to say, I am not getting much work done as I’ve pretty much wrapped up all my issues this morning…the rest can wait till Monday. Plus, I am not only thoroughly distracted by the behavior of my co-workers (omg I am going to let this kid have it – another gum wrapper – wth? I swear to GAWD) I am pretty eager to get a move on and start my weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I am a fan of free time. MY free time to do with as I choose. I enjoy my work, I see it as a source of pride and ongoing brain food, I realize that domestic duties and your standard social interactions are also a nessisary aspect of a well rounded individual and am in tune with all of that more and more these day. But I see play time as pretty esssential to this girl’s state of mind. Possibley because perhaps I’ve had very little of it most of my life. My time has always been dictacted by something external, school, my mother, my son, college, my career, demanding people….or maybe I’m just getting selfish in my old age? And seeing that my boy is off with his Dad’s family for 4 days, I am left to my own devices which will consist of:
a) Dexter-a-thon on my couch with my favorite candles burning and a kitty on my lap.
b) Long hot baths, warm chai tea and blue toe nail polish.
c) A little Karoake/Party time.
d) Sleep, sleep and more sleep
e) Hopefully lunch with Matty.
f) Dinner w/ Mom & Jim and play time with their doggehs whom I find great joy and laughter in.
These are my goals for the weekend. That’s it. Whatever else comes along…I’ll take it as it comes.
4 ½ Day Weekends SO Rock
Oh and PS kiddo’s…guess who’s labs all came back perfectly normal? Kidney functions are right on target, no sign of diabetes, high cholestrol, heart disease, pap smear came back normal and all my woman parts are in order....etc…etc…etc…what great news to start the weekend with, no?
*smoochies to you all, I love you*
I am pretty amped about it, partially probably due to my lack of conciousness. I awoke at 5 AM without any real hope of drifting back into the blessed repreve that is sleep. Thomas (my bear) told me to give it up and get in the shower so I have spent the entire morning in a sleep deprived haze; which like when I was 8 years old, tends to make me a little silly and sensetive to things (up or down) I would otherwise not feel so anxious, excited, exhuasted, eager…etc about.
Why oh why, dear Tree Fruit, why were you up at such an hour when you normally sleep until at least 6:30?
Good question, I’ve been asking myself that since I dragged my sorry ass into the shower with my eyes half open, narrowingly missing Gaia’s tail as I shut the bathroom door and she scurried in at the last minute as is our morning ritual. I’d say it’s mostly because the entire night was a complete wash. I woke up at 11:30, 2:30, 3:30 and then finally at 5 it was inevidble. In between that time, what ‘sleep’ I was getting was restless. I kept thinking I heard Max getting up or having a bad dream and then my own thoughts would drift off to the current subjects at hand (Max and his Dad, sigh. When will we have to move? How much I dislike moving, how sore my arms are from those two armed-rows. Am I so wounded and cynical that I can never love romantically again?) and there you have it, recipe for fitful, absolutely unrestful and unsatisfying nights sleep.
Naturally it was decided in said shower that I’d grab a Starbucks (what a treat!) Iced Chai W/ Soy Milk and travel the yellow brick road to work. I was in the office by 6:15 AM this morning, at which point Anthony (our morning 24x7 guy who reminds me vaguely of the devious Wyle E. Coyote, not in looks but in behavior and in a good way) apparently thought it would be hillarious to scare the living crap out of me by jumping out from behind the first row of cubes as you walk in the door in a completely pitch black office sans the emergency lights that leave a green, misty, zombie-movie-esque glow around the entire office. After Anthony almost wore my chai tea, was scolded and swatted with my purse I made my way to my cube and got to work. He keeps walking by me and giggling like a 12 year old boy, I know this guy must have a little sister out there somewhere who hates him.
Nancy (The Bionic Wonder Boss) peaked her head in my cube as she got in and said “What…..Sarah, whare are you doing here at this hour?” I said: “What are you doing here at this hour?” She laughed and said she comes in every day by 6:45, I told her I knew that but it was no excuse. There was giggling and more ribbing and then straight to the business end of things.
Since, she has informed me that it is an early release day and the rest of the staff will be leaving at 3, but that I may leave at 2 because she saw my smiling (albeit caffiene enhanced and bleary eyed) face this morning before her own in an otherwise empty office. She asked if everything was ok. I told her I just couldn’t sleep. No biggy. She nodded, clearly understanding and said “We have those days, don’t we?” Meaning woman, mothers, best friends, sisters, aunts, grandmothers. She gets it, but she does it in such a matter of fact way, the way that a woman who’s been around the block a time or two might. Man, does she share some qualities with the other women I am close to or what? What's up with that? I love her......
Anthony just walked by my cube and threw a gum wrapper in my hair and walked away snickering. He’s either in love with me and metaphorically pulling my pig tails or likes to get a rise out of me, which males in general seem to enjoy doing a great deal. Apparently my reactions to their shennenagns are quite humorous. Mostly I just feel like I want screech and pout and stomp my foot and make them stop this instant! It’s something I never learned, how to not let little boys get me worked up.
I am going to give him a litlte love tap with my ruler next time he walks by if he doesn’t watch it. The guy is like 6’4”, there are many area’s in which a ruler can make sufficient impact without leaving a mark *snicker*
Needless to say, I am not getting much work done as I’ve pretty much wrapped up all my issues this morning…the rest can wait till Monday. Plus, I am not only thoroughly distracted by the behavior of my co-workers (omg I am going to let this kid have it – another gum wrapper – wth? I swear to GAWD) I am pretty eager to get a move on and start my weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I am a fan of free time. MY free time to do with as I choose. I enjoy my work, I see it as a source of pride and ongoing brain food, I realize that domestic duties and your standard social interactions are also a nessisary aspect of a well rounded individual and am in tune with all of that more and more these day. But I see play time as pretty esssential to this girl’s state of mind. Possibley because perhaps I’ve had very little of it most of my life. My time has always been dictacted by something external, school, my mother, my son, college, my career, demanding people….or maybe I’m just getting selfish in my old age? And seeing that my boy is off with his Dad’s family for 4 days, I am left to my own devices which will consist of:
a) Dexter-a-thon on my couch with my favorite candles burning and a kitty on my lap.
b) Long hot baths, warm chai tea and blue toe nail polish.
c) A little Karoake/Party time.
d) Sleep, sleep and more sleep
e) Hopefully lunch with Matty.
f) Dinner w/ Mom & Jim and play time with their doggehs whom I find great joy and laughter in.
These are my goals for the weekend. That’s it. Whatever else comes along…I’ll take it as it comes.
4 ½ Day Weekends SO Rock
Oh and PS kiddo’s…guess who’s labs all came back perfectly normal? Kidney functions are right on target, no sign of diabetes, high cholestrol, heart disease, pap smear came back normal and all my woman parts are in order....etc…etc…etc…what great news to start the weekend with, no?
*smoochies to you all, I love you*
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Testament To The Validity Of Bodily Motion
I had a physical today, my first in quite some time. My blood pressure has pretty much normalized without medications because (my doctor believes) I am more physical active and not eating junk. I have lost close to 20 lbs since my last physical 18 months ago (I had put on about 10 more lbs after that last physical the end of last year boo hiss) but it’s more like close to 25 because of what the fluctuation in weight between then and now and my doctor is quite pleased with my general attitude, etc….
The blood work will be the true test. Cross your fingers. Kidney function is the biggy as always.
I would also tell you that with out the sanity that only sweat can bring, I would likely be off the deep end by now given the current situation with Max. A walk with a dear friend reminded me of just how far off the deep end I went last year and I wish to never, ever go there and the only way I know to keep my general mood healthy and sanity in check is to go burn some calories and KYAAAH my way through the anxiety. It will be months before I can really build my ability up to actually kicking the bag again (I’ve been taken off the bag indefinitely until my ankle/leg/foot doc gives me the ok that) but I am allowed all non contact kick boxing in moderation according to the doc today.
I am approaching this new me as any addict would, one day….for one minute, one second at a time I am committed to being a better me. Some of it starts with the external physical body; some of it starts deep in my heart and spirit where all that good gooey stuff is. But one second at a time feels like enough. It’s a start.
It’s good stuff. Yep.
PS: Thanks to my many loving friends and family for their support this past week with Max, I couldn’t do it without you guys either. You are food for my soul.
The blood work will be the true test. Cross your fingers. Kidney function is the biggy as always.
I would also tell you that with out the sanity that only sweat can bring, I would likely be off the deep end by now given the current situation with Max. A walk with a dear friend reminded me of just how far off the deep end I went last year and I wish to never, ever go there and the only way I know to keep my general mood healthy and sanity in check is to go burn some calories and KYAAAH my way through the anxiety. It will be months before I can really build my ability up to actually kicking the bag again (I’ve been taken off the bag indefinitely until my ankle/leg/foot doc gives me the ok that) but I am allowed all non contact kick boxing in moderation according to the doc today.
I am approaching this new me as any addict would, one day….for one minute, one second at a time I am committed to being a better me. Some of it starts with the external physical body; some of it starts deep in my heart and spirit where all that good gooey stuff is. But one second at a time feels like enough. It’s a start.
It’s good stuff. Yep.
PS: Thanks to my many loving friends and family for their support this past week with Max, I couldn’t do it without you guys either. You are food for my soul.
Friday, November 21, 2008
What I learned This Week (11/17 - 11/21 2008)
a) People don’t always say what they mean ~ or ~ mean what they say.
b) I have too much to give to be expending all this energy on negativity, putting out fires and attaching myself to unknown end results.
c) When browsing the candle section, be sure that the lid of the candle jar you intend to handle is securely fastened. As in screwed on tight enough not to send said glass jar containing candle to the ground in a fantastic splash of glass and audible gasps from fellow shoppers. Also, make sure you are not on your cell phone if something of this nature should occur. It is common knowledge that cell phone usage and stupidity (when driving, manhandling candles on clearance, etc…) are interdependent and I assure you, the rolling eyes and crusty facial expressions of your fellow human are not hard to notice. In fact, you can almost see the invisible words escaping their lips like a vaporous cloud of insults. “Get off your cell phone you stupid (expletive) and drive/shop/whatever.”
d) Have patience with other’s on their cell phones; maybe they are fighting back the tears while talking to their best friends about the welfare of their children as well as their own sanity as mothers. We ALL have bad days, candles will fall, people will get short with you…shit happens. Cut the other guy a break once in a while.
e) The introduction of a kind, honest and genuine person can make all the difference in an otherwise trying situation. The fact that he is extraordinarily fine-a-licious and hella cool on top of it doesn’t hurt either. What more could a girl ask for then a hot, honest Audi/VW mechanic that is willing to do side work in his garage for a fair price and decent turn around time? This guy makes me smile like a school girl, and has brought about a sense of relief I haven’t felt in some time. Having a reliable, capable and HONEST “go to guy” for you car is undeniably the best thing a poor single girl can hope for these days. Now, if I could just get him to come help me move my washer and dryer, hang pictures and put together the new desk I intend to get for my “office space” when we move then I’d be set. He has a girlfriend so I’ll refrain from externalizing any other thoughts about what I might like, but get your minds out of the gutter people…he’s a decent guy. Good people like Crys said, mostly I just wouldn’t mind having a beer with the dood and let him talk about cars and his daughter and “Friday jobs.”
f) A kind, honest and genuine person you’ve known for 10+ years can also be such a great resource of comfort. Thanks to you Randall, I was silly to forget that I could come to you. I will always love you and I know it’s mutual. Thank you.
Cheers to the weekend, TGI FREAKING F!
b) I have too much to give to be expending all this energy on negativity, putting out fires and attaching myself to unknown end results.
c) When browsing the candle section, be sure that the lid of the candle jar you intend to handle is securely fastened. As in screwed on tight enough not to send said glass jar containing candle to the ground in a fantastic splash of glass and audible gasps from fellow shoppers. Also, make sure you are not on your cell phone if something of this nature should occur. It is common knowledge that cell phone usage and stupidity (when driving, manhandling candles on clearance, etc…) are interdependent and I assure you, the rolling eyes and crusty facial expressions of your fellow human are not hard to notice. In fact, you can almost see the invisible words escaping their lips like a vaporous cloud of insults. “Get off your cell phone you stupid (expletive) and drive/shop/whatever.”
d) Have patience with other’s on their cell phones; maybe they are fighting back the tears while talking to their best friends about the welfare of their children as well as their own sanity as mothers. We ALL have bad days, candles will fall, people will get short with you…shit happens. Cut the other guy a break once in a while.
e) The introduction of a kind, honest and genuine person can make all the difference in an otherwise trying situation. The fact that he is extraordinarily fine-a-licious and hella cool on top of it doesn’t hurt either. What more could a girl ask for then a hot, honest Audi/VW mechanic that is willing to do side work in his garage for a fair price and decent turn around time? This guy makes me smile like a school girl, and has brought about a sense of relief I haven’t felt in some time. Having a reliable, capable and HONEST “go to guy” for you car is undeniably the best thing a poor single girl can hope for these days. Now, if I could just get him to come help me move my washer and dryer, hang pictures and put together the new desk I intend to get for my “office space” when we move then I’d be set. He has a girlfriend so I’ll refrain from externalizing any other thoughts about what I might like, but get your minds out of the gutter people…he’s a decent guy. Good people like Crys said, mostly I just wouldn’t mind having a beer with the dood and let him talk about cars and his daughter and “Friday jobs.”
f) A kind, honest and genuine person you’ve known for 10+ years can also be such a great resource of comfort. Thanks to you Randall, I was silly to forget that I could come to you. I will always love you and I know it’s mutual. Thank you.
Cheers to the weekend, TGI FREAKING F!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
November 2008
So far, this month hasn’t exactly been kind to me as of yet. I’m hoping the upcoming holiday will change that. Between being sick that wiped me out for almost a full week, trying to catch up my life from that, my son’s rebellion and car/financial stresses (what’s new?) I am feeling a little worn down. Too bad, I was on quite the high there for a while. It really is all manageable. I just have to keep a sane head and an even saner approach when addressing these issues. One moment, one breathe at a time is how I’ve learned to cope. It gets you through the day.
Obama’s victory however, has totally lifted my spirits and I am due diligent at keeping the bigger picture in my direct line of vision. I feel for this man, he is facing such challenge. The whole world seems to be literally holding their breathe with anticipation at what The Man will pull out of his hat of tricks and hoping desperately that we are not disappointed. The pressure must be monumental, I can’t even imagine.
It reminds me of how I and my little problems are but a grain of sand in the hour glass of our current era. Minuscule in comparison with how it must be to even approach the idea of managing a war, economic crisis, environmental doom and gloom and other political issues at hand. Meanwhile, the whole world is watching. Yeah, I’m glad it’s not me. I can barely manage my own issues without feeling like I want to break down and cry. How must our president elect be fairing? Surely he must be made of sturdier stuff then I? I sure hope so!
I will blog more when I have the energy; I know some of you have received seemingly cryptic emails/texts from me about Max. Well, I will tell you that we both reached a new high and equally, a new low with one another this past weekend and it was not pretty. How tender the relationship between mother and child is. How fragile. How frustrating! He will be with his Grandparents for Thanksgiving; I think the break will be a good one for both of us. Will give me time to think. And him too maybe, if he’s able. He’s pretty caught up in some pretty strong ideas about how things should be right now and he’s not getting what he wants and doesn’t like that one damn bit. Kids…..it never ceases to be interesting.
That is all for now. Love you all.
Obama’s victory however, has totally lifted my spirits and I am due diligent at keeping the bigger picture in my direct line of vision. I feel for this man, he is facing such challenge. The whole world seems to be literally holding their breathe with anticipation at what The Man will pull out of his hat of tricks and hoping desperately that we are not disappointed. The pressure must be monumental, I can’t even imagine.
It reminds me of how I and my little problems are but a grain of sand in the hour glass of our current era. Minuscule in comparison with how it must be to even approach the idea of managing a war, economic crisis, environmental doom and gloom and other political issues at hand. Meanwhile, the whole world is watching. Yeah, I’m glad it’s not me. I can barely manage my own issues without feeling like I want to break down and cry. How must our president elect be fairing? Surely he must be made of sturdier stuff then I? I sure hope so!
I will blog more when I have the energy; I know some of you have received seemingly cryptic emails/texts from me about Max. Well, I will tell you that we both reached a new high and equally, a new low with one another this past weekend and it was not pretty. How tender the relationship between mother and child is. How fragile. How frustrating! He will be with his Grandparents for Thanksgiving; I think the break will be a good one for both of us. Will give me time to think. And him too maybe, if he’s able. He’s pretty caught up in some pretty strong ideas about how things should be right now and he’s not getting what he wants and doesn’t like that one damn bit. Kids…..it never ceases to be interesting.
That is all for now. Love you all.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Snowflakes
We awoke this morning to our first official snow. Not substantial in terms of volume, but lovely nonetheless. I especially enjoy these early snow falls as it’s generally not so frigidly cold out side that the roads freeze over or anything more then a little extra layering is required to maintain a comfortable body temperature. Let me also just say (as I do every year since I first purchased the Baby Jetta) that I enjoy any excuse to heat up my buns via the Baby Jetta’s infamous individual climate control (or butt warmers as we like to call them.) I am still quite in awe of this technology, who knew 15 years ago when I first started driving that a girl could get into her car on a wintery day and in a matter of seconds become instantly warm and cozy, meanwhile every other mechanical aspect of the car is still trying to warm up and defrost and wipe away frozen bits…but I, the driver, am already totally comfortable and ready to rock and roll. Nice. It’s so easy to become spoiled by the little things in life isn’t it?
Today’s mood is a far improvement from yesterdays. These days I am finding that I am just moody some times for seemingly inexplicable reasons. Though I am quite aware of what these reasons most likely are as my body chemistry has experienced a pretty substantial shift in the past 6 months and when you spend 16 years of your life ingesting a hormone and then suddenly stop taking it, one’s body is bound to rebel. However, learning to manage these new changes in my biology has it’s challenges some days and it’s perfectly divine joys on others.
For example, as a whole I am in a much more positive state of mind in comparison to the past several years. I have more energy, am generally much more able to manage stress without breaking down and as a rule, tears don’t randomly spew from my eyes at the most inopportune time as they once did. Simply put, I am just a happier person all around and this isn’t something to question or otherwise debate with the Universe. I am of the opinion that a girl should just go with it and call it good!
However, it’s hard to know how much of this is based on the biological and hormonal changes or if it’s related to the emergence of “Self Version 5.0” which is still in it’s core development phase, but this new scope and functionality are quite the improvement from recently past versions of “Self” in which there were issues with broken hardware, severely defragmented disk drives, corrupted software and an aching mother board that was in dire need of reconfiguration in the form of lovin’, TLC and solitude. Or maybe I just feel good because I’ve stop polluting myself quite so harshly and my body is slowly making friends with walking paths, treadmills, stationary bikes, resistance equipment and lap pools. Or maybe I’ve rediscovered music and how critical it is to my survival. Or maybe I’m just finding myself again and it feels damn good. All in all, it’s safe to say that in spite of the challenges of these past few months which I know are just what life likes to bring to us to keep it interesting (challenging teenagers, strep throat, stubborn muscles that are still trying to heal) I would say I feel more on an even keel 90% of the time compared to that of oh…about 30% of the time about 6 months ago.
Unfortunately though, the other 10% of the time when I do feel like a crazy person….I SERIOUSLY feel fit to be committed. Today, I still feel the twinges of annoyance and irritability over stupid things like sounds that seem too loud, though I’m sure they really aren’t. I’ve actually noticed a significant intolerance to noise pollution in general since I’ve been back at work after my surgery. I can blast my car stereo to probably unhealthy decibels and find absolute bliss in that experience (especially on a Friday afternoon on my way home from work), but the heater kicking on just now above my desk and the 3 coworkers standing next to my cube babbling in Friday Speak right now is cause for teeth grinding and actual effort to not spin around in my chair and ask them to kindly find someone else to annoy. The television is another source of contention at the moment, I hate TV. I cannot even believe the new lows in which programming has reached and while I don’t watch it all that much of my own accord other then a few select programs that are admittedly mindless and probably feeding my brain full of garbage (I am addicted to a certain series on Bravo) it does seem that Max has that damn thing on all the time. In the past week I have done everything in my power to avoid that little box like the plague but it still incessantly spills out nonsense and chaos and it makes me want to scream. My new tactic with the man child is to simply keep him so busy with other things (working out together, making dinner, chores, reading..etc…) that he simply doesn’t even think about it. He’s going to be mortified when we move and he finds out that the cable TV is going bye bye. Oh woe is me, all hell will break loose. When Max was a small child I severely limited the amount of TV he watched, but as he’s gotten older I’ve gotten more lenient on the subject. He’s not a child any more, kids watch MTV even it is unbelievable sodding rubbish these days (not like in the good ole days when they actually aired video’s and it was THE hotspot for all things musical in the 80’s and early 90’s ha ha right? Cuz it wasn’t rubbish “Back in the day” riiiiight? LOL) and I realize that he mostly watches “man” programs about cars and how things are made and MythBusters and how fast the fastest super bike can go on the salt flats and air planes and so on….but it’s still noise and these programs are even noisier because apparently men have a lean attention span and don’t hear as well as the rest of us so the producers of these programs make everything very LOUD AND EXTREME ALL THE TIME! Argh.
Yesterday I found myself literally screaming at this woman who was (really) driving like a complete jack ass in front of me with my son in the car. The f-bomb was my best friend in that moment and Max just looked at me like I’d gone completely mad. I flipped her off and everything. The child has heard cuss words before, it’s not something we generally regulate in my home any more because there are bigger things to be concerned about then the choice use of words, but still….I cold tell that Max was pretty surprised by my behavior, as was I. It just sort of came out of nowhere.
So, as you can see that while some of these issues may be legitimate, I have experienced a new sense of intolerance I am not quite used to and it does feel related to my biology some how. That or maybe I’m just feeling less able to tolerate bullshit? My bullshit meter has been adjusted? I don’t know, I just know that this aspect of “Self 5.0” has some tweaking that needs to be done. It’s not all day lilies and rainbows, there is something sinister lurking internally and I’m still learning how to manage it. There has always been a darker part of my personality, a Goth gone wild girl inside of me that has been both a source of inspiration/creativity and an absolute menace, able to completely twist my world around and give me license to act like someone even I don’t recognize. She can be dangerous and self-destructive and while I am generally able to keep her at bay, I do my very best to embrace her and allow her self expression (else risk her wrath when repressed) in some healthy way because she’s always in there. Maybe this 10% is that girl inside me who doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt, anger and rage that doesn’t otherwise come naturally to me. Anyone ever see a movie called “Me, Myself & Irene?” Ha, I can relate. Maybe I should name her, like Crystal did with Jeebus Give it a name, maybe that can make it less powerful?
Doh, I just go assigned some issues. YAY WORK. Ok, I’m off….the weekend has in store some good stuff for me. Tonight is Little India with Sandy McSandy Pants, tomorrow morning I’m hoping for a phone call w/ Crystal while I am packing/cleaning house and then Max and are off to a movie “The Boy In The Striped Pajama’s.” Karoake w/ Tammy may also be in my future for tomorrow night depending on my energy level and if she can get a sitter….I LOVE that Max can be on his own for a few hours on a Friday/Saturday night. Heck, he could probably even babysit and make a few bucks eh?
*smooches*
Today’s mood is a far improvement from yesterdays. These days I am finding that I am just moody some times for seemingly inexplicable reasons. Though I am quite aware of what these reasons most likely are as my body chemistry has experienced a pretty substantial shift in the past 6 months and when you spend 16 years of your life ingesting a hormone and then suddenly stop taking it, one’s body is bound to rebel. However, learning to manage these new changes in my biology has it’s challenges some days and it’s perfectly divine joys on others.
For example, as a whole I am in a much more positive state of mind in comparison to the past several years. I have more energy, am generally much more able to manage stress without breaking down and as a rule, tears don’t randomly spew from my eyes at the most inopportune time as they once did. Simply put, I am just a happier person all around and this isn’t something to question or otherwise debate with the Universe. I am of the opinion that a girl should just go with it and call it good!
However, it’s hard to know how much of this is based on the biological and hormonal changes or if it’s related to the emergence of “Self Version 5.0” which is still in it’s core development phase, but this new scope and functionality are quite the improvement from recently past versions of “Self” in which there were issues with broken hardware, severely defragmented disk drives, corrupted software and an aching mother board that was in dire need of reconfiguration in the form of lovin’, TLC and solitude. Or maybe I just feel good because I’ve stop polluting myself quite so harshly and my body is slowly making friends with walking paths, treadmills, stationary bikes, resistance equipment and lap pools. Or maybe I’ve rediscovered music and how critical it is to my survival. Or maybe I’m just finding myself again and it feels damn good. All in all, it’s safe to say that in spite of the challenges of these past few months which I know are just what life likes to bring to us to keep it interesting (challenging teenagers, strep throat, stubborn muscles that are still trying to heal) I would say I feel more on an even keel 90% of the time compared to that of oh…about 30% of the time about 6 months ago.
Unfortunately though, the other 10% of the time when I do feel like a crazy person….I SERIOUSLY feel fit to be committed. Today, I still feel the twinges of annoyance and irritability over stupid things like sounds that seem too loud, though I’m sure they really aren’t. I’ve actually noticed a significant intolerance to noise pollution in general since I’ve been back at work after my surgery. I can blast my car stereo to probably unhealthy decibels and find absolute bliss in that experience (especially on a Friday afternoon on my way home from work), but the heater kicking on just now above my desk and the 3 coworkers standing next to my cube babbling in Friday Speak right now is cause for teeth grinding and actual effort to not spin around in my chair and ask them to kindly find someone else to annoy. The television is another source of contention at the moment, I hate TV. I cannot even believe the new lows in which programming has reached and while I don’t watch it all that much of my own accord other then a few select programs that are admittedly mindless and probably feeding my brain full of garbage (I am addicted to a certain series on Bravo) it does seem that Max has that damn thing on all the time. In the past week I have done everything in my power to avoid that little box like the plague but it still incessantly spills out nonsense and chaos and it makes me want to scream. My new tactic with the man child is to simply keep him so busy with other things (working out together, making dinner, chores, reading..etc…) that he simply doesn’t even think about it. He’s going to be mortified when we move and he finds out that the cable TV is going bye bye. Oh woe is me, all hell will break loose. When Max was a small child I severely limited the amount of TV he watched, but as he’s gotten older I’ve gotten more lenient on the subject. He’s not a child any more, kids watch MTV even it is unbelievable sodding rubbish these days (not like in the good ole days when they actually aired video’s and it was THE hotspot for all things musical in the 80’s and early 90’s ha ha right? Cuz it wasn’t rubbish “Back in the day” riiiiight? LOL) and I realize that he mostly watches “man” programs about cars and how things are made and MythBusters and how fast the fastest super bike can go on the salt flats and air planes and so on….but it’s still noise and these programs are even noisier because apparently men have a lean attention span and don’t hear as well as the rest of us so the producers of these programs make everything very LOUD AND EXTREME ALL THE TIME! Argh.
Yesterday I found myself literally screaming at this woman who was (really) driving like a complete jack ass in front of me with my son in the car. The f-bomb was my best friend in that moment and Max just looked at me like I’d gone completely mad. I flipped her off and everything. The child has heard cuss words before, it’s not something we generally regulate in my home any more because there are bigger things to be concerned about then the choice use of words, but still….I cold tell that Max was pretty surprised by my behavior, as was I. It just sort of came out of nowhere.
So, as you can see that while some of these issues may be legitimate, I have experienced a new sense of intolerance I am not quite used to and it does feel related to my biology some how. That or maybe I’m just feeling less able to tolerate bullshit? My bullshit meter has been adjusted? I don’t know, I just know that this aspect of “Self 5.0” has some tweaking that needs to be done. It’s not all day lilies and rainbows, there is something sinister lurking internally and I’m still learning how to manage it. There has always been a darker part of my personality, a Goth gone wild girl inside of me that has been both a source of inspiration/creativity and an absolute menace, able to completely twist my world around and give me license to act like someone even I don’t recognize. She can be dangerous and self-destructive and while I am generally able to keep her at bay, I do my very best to embrace her and allow her self expression (else risk her wrath when repressed) in some healthy way because she’s always in there. Maybe this 10% is that girl inside me who doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt, anger and rage that doesn’t otherwise come naturally to me. Anyone ever see a movie called “Me, Myself & Irene?” Ha, I can relate. Maybe I should name her, like Crystal did with Jeebus Give it a name, maybe that can make it less powerful?
Doh, I just go assigned some issues. YAY WORK. Ok, I’m off….the weekend has in store some good stuff for me. Tonight is Little India with Sandy McSandy Pants, tomorrow morning I’m hoping for a phone call w/ Crystal while I am packing/cleaning house and then Max and are off to a movie “The Boy In The Striped Pajama’s.” Karoake w/ Tammy may also be in my future for tomorrow night depending on my energy level and if she can get a sitter….I LOVE that Max can be on his own for a few hours on a Friday/Saturday night. Heck, he could probably even babysit and make a few bucks eh?
*smooches*
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Oxygen Abuse
The Front Range is experiencing something about as close to a windstorm as is possible in Colorado. This is the kind of wind that feels more like you are being abused by it rather then comforted or lulled softly by it’s presence. This is the sort of wind that creates an unsettled feeling for me, makes me anxious and a little too easily irritated by sounds (as in the sounds of others speaking to me) or someone getting a little too close to me (as in it felt like the man behind me in line at Target felt like he was literally breathing down my neck and it took everything I had not to turn around and not say something incredibly rude and inappropriate.)
And I am wicked pms’y today so couple Mother Nature’s Moods with MY own body’s natural cycle and it’s resulting mood swings and you have yourself one extremely irritable Tree Fruit.
These are the days when I’m convinced that no one loves me(obviously not true), that I am a huge bulbous enormity of a human being (not totally true) and that somewhere along the line…I completely lost my freaking mind (probably true.) WTF? I want to know how between the wind and my own biology everything can feel so totally unreal and unrealistic in the blink of an eye.
Maybe this miso soup will help, lots of soy and comforting things….this should help I’m sure of it.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I should get back to work I suppose, I spent too long screwing around in Target as it is. I don’t have a lot to do today at work, this is not adding to my stellar mood I can tell you…but I should at least try to get the 2 issues completed that I do have. Big woop.
And I am wicked pms’y today so couple Mother Nature’s Moods with MY own body’s natural cycle and it’s resulting mood swings and you have yourself one extremely irritable Tree Fruit.
These are the days when I’m convinced that no one loves me(obviously not true), that I am a huge bulbous enormity of a human being (not totally true) and that somewhere along the line…I completely lost my freaking mind (probably true.) WTF? I want to know how between the wind and my own biology everything can feel so totally unreal and unrealistic in the blink of an eye.
Maybe this miso soup will help, lots of soy and comforting things….this should help I’m sure of it.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I should get back to work I suppose, I spent too long screwing around in Target as it is. I don’t have a lot to do today at work, this is not adding to my stellar mood I can tell you…but I should at least try to get the 2 issues completed that I do have. Big woop.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Going To My Happy Place, See You Later
I am leaving in 15 minutes to take Max to the doc as I am quite convinced he also has strep now. Of course, cuz that’s how we do it riiiiight? Pass it along to a loved one, it’s so much more fun to share?
No matter that I’ve missed a ton of work because of my own bout with this BS.
No matter that I have issues due on projects I am unfamiliar with, learning curve not withstanding.
No matter that I still am not totally up to par myself.
No no, none of this matters to germs and bacteria. No sireee bob.
Sooooooo, I’m going to my happy place for the rest of the afternoon as I care for the man-child and try not to crunch crunch to hard on the idea that I feel *this* close to getting written up for the amount of time I’ve missed, that I am terrified that Max & I will end up living in squalor in some poo poo apartment and of the many, many things that must get done at home tonight when we get back from docs and picking up RX’s and fighting traffic.
OH FREAKING WELL RIGHT?
It is what it is, all I can do is focus on getting my family healthy and hope I don’t get fired in the process.
No matter that I’ve missed a ton of work because of my own bout with this BS.
No matter that I have issues due on projects I am unfamiliar with, learning curve not withstanding.
No matter that I still am not totally up to par myself.
No no, none of this matters to germs and bacteria. No sireee bob.
Sooooooo, I’m going to my happy place for the rest of the afternoon as I care for the man-child and try not to crunch crunch to hard on the idea that I feel *this* close to getting written up for the amount of time I’ve missed, that I am terrified that Max & I will end up living in squalor in some poo poo apartment and of the many, many things that must get done at home tonight when we get back from docs and picking up RX’s and fighting traffic.
OH FREAKING WELL RIGHT?
It is what it is, all I can do is focus on getting my family healthy and hope I don’t get fired in the process.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Bruised Fruit
Ow. Someone kicked me in the stem.
If I had the appropriate animation tools (a legal version of Photoshop *achem*) I could probably mock up such an image. A tree fruit, bent stem, forlorn eye balls looking downward and a weary, yet triumphant half smile? Yeah, something like that.
Triumphant smile because America made short work of this election, there was some wicked good juju in the air on the night of November 4th, 2008. As soon as Ohio was predicted in Obama’s favor, the tears began to roll. Not big sobby, ugly face tears….no no, just the beautifully silent kind. The kind that you cry when you are so moved that you cannot exhale because you are so fraught with love and gratitude and all the other good-feelings that a person can feel that you simply have nothing to express verbally. It wasn’t until Obama’s exception speech that it seemed I could feel a collective sigh of relief all around me. Like perhaps the people of the world could take a moment out of all that is resistant to us every day and know that for a brief moment in history, something incredible happened that whatever our personal motives, we united for something greater then ourselves.
I FREAKING LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! Dood, so how much we rock when work together. It’s good stuff.
On a personal note, my stem aches and is bent funny because I was exposed to strep throat Friday night (for which much Halloween shenanigans occurred!) and have just now gotten out of bed and in to work. Saturday I just felt itchy throated and achy. Sunday, I thought hrrm…..this isn’t good. Monday I began to whine for my mommy and by Tuesday I had to text message Kristen and beg her to take me to the doctor because I literally couldn’t get out of bed or swallow any liquid without screaming in pain. By this time I had a fever of 102 and had officially joined the ranks of the semi-delirious. The doctor peered into my mouth and recoiled in horror, asking if my tonsils hurt. I just stared at him thinking “What the f* do you think AHOLE?” (I get a little cranky when I’m this sick) and the point was clearly taken. “Sarah, the strep bacteria is attacking your tonsils. Especially the left tonsil, it is severely infected. They are swollen 3-5x the normal size and you will need to be on at least 10 days worth of anti-biotics. Are you having trouble getting fluids down?” I nodded my head wearily. He asked if I might like my antibiotics in fluid form, I nodded. He asked if I wanted something for the pain….I nodded my head again and then almost went agro on him when he stuck the official strep throat test (we both knew it was strep but he has to do the official test for tracking purposes) down my throat, swabbed and brought out a chunk of disease throat/tonsil tissue. But I didn’t because I went to my happy place; it’s a swooshy, bubbly, Pacific Ocean type of place with orca whales and aged forests and slugs. I’m such a good fruit. Tuesday I came home and went to sleep for the rest of the day, except to wake up when Max came home from school and was in and out of deep sleep during the whole election coverage. But I was still happy, even more so actually because Tylenol with codeine enabled my poor throat to allow a whole cup of hot tea and another small cup of water in without making me want to pull my own hair out AND there was so much blue on the election coverage board I could barely stand it. Wednesday I stayed in bed all day again, got some work done though which was good.
My house is a disaster, there is no food. Max may plan a mutiny soon if the fridge isn’t miraculously filled with goodies and the bath-tub doesn’t get scrubbed out (dood, do it yourself!) and I’m sure he’s sick of being in exile from his own room (comfy bed, tv in it, my old favorite comforter….sucks to be him LOL) but even though this last week has been all but been a complete waste of personal productivity….the people spoke and it was good.
Bruised Fruit’s UNITE!
If I had the appropriate animation tools (a legal version of Photoshop *achem*) I could probably mock up such an image. A tree fruit, bent stem, forlorn eye balls looking downward and a weary, yet triumphant half smile? Yeah, something like that.
Triumphant smile because America made short work of this election, there was some wicked good juju in the air on the night of November 4th, 2008. As soon as Ohio was predicted in Obama’s favor, the tears began to roll. Not big sobby, ugly face tears….no no, just the beautifully silent kind. The kind that you cry when you are so moved that you cannot exhale because you are so fraught with love and gratitude and all the other good-feelings that a person can feel that you simply have nothing to express verbally. It wasn’t until Obama’s exception speech that it seemed I could feel a collective sigh of relief all around me. Like perhaps the people of the world could take a moment out of all that is resistant to us every day and know that for a brief moment in history, something incredible happened that whatever our personal motives, we united for something greater then ourselves.
I FREAKING LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! Dood, so how much we rock when work together. It’s good stuff.
On a personal note, my stem aches and is bent funny because I was exposed to strep throat Friday night (for which much Halloween shenanigans occurred!) and have just now gotten out of bed and in to work. Saturday I just felt itchy throated and achy. Sunday, I thought hrrm…..this isn’t good. Monday I began to whine for my mommy and by Tuesday I had to text message Kristen and beg her to take me to the doctor because I literally couldn’t get out of bed or swallow any liquid without screaming in pain. By this time I had a fever of 102 and had officially joined the ranks of the semi-delirious. The doctor peered into my mouth and recoiled in horror, asking if my tonsils hurt. I just stared at him thinking “What the f* do you think AHOLE?” (I get a little cranky when I’m this sick) and the point was clearly taken. “Sarah, the strep bacteria is attacking your tonsils. Especially the left tonsil, it is severely infected. They are swollen 3-5x the normal size and you will need to be on at least 10 days worth of anti-biotics. Are you having trouble getting fluids down?” I nodded my head wearily. He asked if I might like my antibiotics in fluid form, I nodded. He asked if I wanted something for the pain….I nodded my head again and then almost went agro on him when he stuck the official strep throat test (we both knew it was strep but he has to do the official test for tracking purposes) down my throat, swabbed and brought out a chunk of disease throat/tonsil tissue. But I didn’t because I went to my happy place; it’s a swooshy, bubbly, Pacific Ocean type of place with orca whales and aged forests and slugs. I’m such a good fruit. Tuesday I came home and went to sleep for the rest of the day, except to wake up when Max came home from school and was in and out of deep sleep during the whole election coverage. But I was still happy, even more so actually because Tylenol with codeine enabled my poor throat to allow a whole cup of hot tea and another small cup of water in without making me want to pull my own hair out AND there was so much blue on the election coverage board I could barely stand it. Wednesday I stayed in bed all day again, got some work done though which was good.
My house is a disaster, there is no food. Max may plan a mutiny soon if the fridge isn’t miraculously filled with goodies and the bath-tub doesn’t get scrubbed out (dood, do it yourself!) and I’m sure he’s sick of being in exile from his own room (comfy bed, tv in it, my old favorite comforter….sucks to be him LOL) but even though this last week has been all but been a complete waste of personal productivity….the people spoke and it was good.
Bruised Fruit’s UNITE!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Provisional Ballot Voting Rocks!
Took 2 hours and standing on my poor feet that whole time, but I did it! I voted!
WOOT WOOT
GO OBAMA! ROCK IT BOY!
WOOT WOOT
GO OBAMA! ROCK IT BOY!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The Tribulations Of A Short Attention Span
I work in an environment laden with distractions.
Let’s start with my physical work space where it seems to be common practice for the 3 senior developers (all male, 2 single, 1 married) to stand around and talk a lot of mad shit about women in obvious full range of my cube. Partly, the cause of this is because my cube is positioned kitty corner to my supervisors, everyone and their brother is either already chatting with her or waiting in line to chat with her. When they wait in line, it becomes anyone’s game at that point because the boys get to talking (let me just say that it is NOT a myth that many senior level techies are completely socially inept) and they are either a) Talking nerd speak about some piece of code they “tried out” over the weekend (yes on their TIME OFF, just for fun) that no one else (even us other developers) understands or cares to or b) How the women in their lives suck either because they don’t have a woman in their life or because the ones they do have hate that they spend all this time coding and playing WOW on the weekends instead of going to dinners or walking the dog together. Shocking, I KNOW!
I do my very best to tune out these conversations via headphones or the age old technique adopted by mothers since the dawn of time: passive aggressive heavy sighing and glances in their direction that clearly say “SHUT IT!” Sometimes though, I just can’t ignore them so I end up wandering over to Raquel’s cube and beginning our own dialogue (usually about our children or her ginormous family that reads more like a Telemundo soap opera then someone’s life) or going outside or to the bathroom in the hopes that my absence will be noted and they will be gone when I get back because my fear is that one of these days, one of these guys is going to get schooled on just exactly WHY they are single or their wives are complain all the time. And I won’t apologize for it afterwards because I’ve been listening to this crap for about 2 years now since our cubes were moved and not only is it unprofessional and unacceptable discussion for a work environment, I for one have had ENOUGH of the woman bashing.
In addition to the women-haters, my cube lives right under a big smelly and noisy heating/AC vent that kicks off approximately every hour or so. When it does, I cough, sneeze and otherwise begin to feel a little strange. I’m either freezing or roasting within a matter of seconds, only for it to later disappear as quickly as it arrived. I initially thought I might be experiencing the onset of menopause, but Raquel who shares the cube next to me has a vent not far from her and she experiences the same symptoms though not as severe as she shared a story of sitting at my desktop one day while I was out with the broken leg and said she didn’t know how I could stand it. This vent, I believe, has something to do with what seems like a constant battle to stay well when I’m in this office. I’ve made mention of it numerous times for which I get the following response: “We’ll have the air ducts cleaned.” For which my mental response is: “Why don’t’ you just MOVE me? There are umpteen numbers of open cubes available all over this office now, hello!” But I just smile and nod and do as I’m told.
Secondly, because I work on the Internet I am exposed to all sorts of tempting goodies every day. Perhaps it’s time to check my personal email again to see if I’ve heard anything back from my cousins about their weddings within 3 months of each other in OshKosh next summer? How about now? Now? Then, there are LOL Cats, LOL Dogs, The Westword, Alternet, local news blogs, my personal blogs (both reading and writing) etc.et.etc….THEN there are bills to be paid online, book/dvd/incense shopping and various other things that can pique my interest in a millisecond when I am NOT distracted, let alone when I’ve written 800 lines of code this morning and need a break and I just so happen to find myself on Google. Crap.
When I leave work, I get in my car and I am overwhelmed by options….do I listen to my iPod or the local radio (which mostly sucks) or do I drive in silence and consider what’s next on my daily journey? Often when I am in silence in my car, I totally space out so it’s not really safe I’ve learned. At least with music I am having some fun with the driving and actually focused on driving instead of making mental notes about what needs to get done at home, who needs phone calls, what should we have for dinner and what book is next on my agenda for reading or some other random subject like why did so and so say that to me like THAT? Or if I were a dog what kind would I be? Or what would be so wrong with starting a new life where I travel all the time and meet some handsome, exotic man toy to lavish love and attention and all of his independent wealth upon me so that I can feed my wander lust?
Then I get home and there’s always too much to do, but I’m getting better at deciding what is important. Or, at the very least, where I really want to put my little precious energy and time. Usually by then I’ve been assaulted by my son’s presence in some manner because his physical body is still clumsy and his emotional one seeps out of the doors and windows, but I always stop to hug him and tell him hello and snuggle the cats before I go on to the next thing.
I do the dinner/domestic life thing and get up and do it all again the next day….no freaking wonder I have adult ADD. It’s easier said then done to stay focused; one of my favorite Alanis songs has a lyric in it as follows:
Why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
Why do I care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?
This whole song speaks wildly to me, you can read the lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alanis+morissette/these+are+the+thoughts_20005439.html
And listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kBt3SM3h1c
I’m off, my ADD is calling again….
Let’s start with my physical work space where it seems to be common practice for the 3 senior developers (all male, 2 single, 1 married) to stand around and talk a lot of mad shit about women in obvious full range of my cube. Partly, the cause of this is because my cube is positioned kitty corner to my supervisors, everyone and their brother is either already chatting with her or waiting in line to chat with her. When they wait in line, it becomes anyone’s game at that point because the boys get to talking (let me just say that it is NOT a myth that many senior level techies are completely socially inept) and they are either a) Talking nerd speak about some piece of code they “tried out” over the weekend (yes on their TIME OFF, just for fun) that no one else (even us other developers) understands or cares to or b) How the women in their lives suck either because they don’t have a woman in their life or because the ones they do have hate that they spend all this time coding and playing WOW on the weekends instead of going to dinners or walking the dog together. Shocking, I KNOW!
I do my very best to tune out these conversations via headphones or the age old technique adopted by mothers since the dawn of time: passive aggressive heavy sighing and glances in their direction that clearly say “SHUT IT!” Sometimes though, I just can’t ignore them so I end up wandering over to Raquel’s cube and beginning our own dialogue (usually about our children or her ginormous family that reads more like a Telemundo soap opera then someone’s life) or going outside or to the bathroom in the hopes that my absence will be noted and they will be gone when I get back because my fear is that one of these days, one of these guys is going to get schooled on just exactly WHY they are single or their wives are complain all the time. And I won’t apologize for it afterwards because I’ve been listening to this crap for about 2 years now since our cubes were moved and not only is it unprofessional and unacceptable discussion for a work environment, I for one have had ENOUGH of the woman bashing.
In addition to the women-haters, my cube lives right under a big smelly and noisy heating/AC vent that kicks off approximately every hour or so. When it does, I cough, sneeze and otherwise begin to feel a little strange. I’m either freezing or roasting within a matter of seconds, only for it to later disappear as quickly as it arrived. I initially thought I might be experiencing the onset of menopause, but Raquel who shares the cube next to me has a vent not far from her and she experiences the same symptoms though not as severe as she shared a story of sitting at my desktop one day while I was out with the broken leg and said she didn’t know how I could stand it. This vent, I believe, has something to do with what seems like a constant battle to stay well when I’m in this office. I’ve made mention of it numerous times for which I get the following response: “We’ll have the air ducts cleaned.” For which my mental response is: “Why don’t’ you just MOVE me? There are umpteen numbers of open cubes available all over this office now, hello!” But I just smile and nod and do as I’m told.
Secondly, because I work on the Internet I am exposed to all sorts of tempting goodies every day. Perhaps it’s time to check my personal email again to see if I’ve heard anything back from my cousins about their weddings within 3 months of each other in OshKosh next summer? How about now? Now? Then, there are LOL Cats, LOL Dogs, The Westword, Alternet, local news blogs, my personal blogs (both reading and writing) etc.et.etc….THEN there are bills to be paid online, book/dvd/incense shopping and various other things that can pique my interest in a millisecond when I am NOT distracted, let alone when I’ve written 800 lines of code this morning and need a break and I just so happen to find myself on Google. Crap.
When I leave work, I get in my car and I am overwhelmed by options….do I listen to my iPod or the local radio (which mostly sucks) or do I drive in silence and consider what’s next on my daily journey? Often when I am in silence in my car, I totally space out so it’s not really safe I’ve learned. At least with music I am having some fun with the driving and actually focused on driving instead of making mental notes about what needs to get done at home, who needs phone calls, what should we have for dinner and what book is next on my agenda for reading or some other random subject like why did so and so say that to me like THAT? Or if I were a dog what kind would I be? Or what would be so wrong with starting a new life where I travel all the time and meet some handsome, exotic man toy to lavish love and attention and all of his independent wealth upon me so that I can feed my wander lust?
Then I get home and there’s always too much to do, but I’m getting better at deciding what is important. Or, at the very least, where I really want to put my little precious energy and time. Usually by then I’ve been assaulted by my son’s presence in some manner because his physical body is still clumsy and his emotional one seeps out of the doors and windows, but I always stop to hug him and tell him hello and snuggle the cats before I go on to the next thing.
I do the dinner/domestic life thing and get up and do it all again the next day….no freaking wonder I have adult ADD. It’s easier said then done to stay focused; one of my favorite Alanis songs has a lyric in it as follows:
Why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
Why do I care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?
This whole song speaks wildly to me, you can read the lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alanis+morissette/these+are+the+thoughts_20005439.html
And listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kBt3SM3h1c
I’m off, my ADD is calling again….
Monday, October 20, 2008
Longer Weekends, Shorter Work Weeks!
I vote YES on Longer Weekends, Shorter Work Weeks!
I’d like to consider going to 4 10’s, but I’m not sure it can happen. There’s been talk of that around here a lot lately, but I know it’s one of those subjects that might be a little scary to broach with the powers that be. Certainly with our job market what it is right now, no one wants to rock the boat.
I still think work weeks are too long relatively speaking though, where’s the time for fun and R&R? Saturday is generally spent on various domestic duties and/or work and/or social engagements that by the time Sunday rolls around I’m fried. Guess I’m just still getting used to being back at work. My weekend was lovely, however brief it is and I suppose I won’t spend too much time lamenting the days I DO have off.
Saturday was Kim’s baby shower. Pregnant ladies are so beautiful. I always thought the pre-natal vitamins had something to do with it, but I think in many cases the women are just generally happy and we all know that happiness translates into such a warm kind of beauty, the best kind I’d say. Kim made out like a bandit; I can’t believe how far baby products have come in the past 16 years. SO much has changed, though it’s all still basically the same. Diapers, butt paste, soft things to wrap baby in, bottles, pacifiers, bouncy seats, bassinets, car seats, high chairs and of course (my favorite) TOYS! Toys that blink and whir and beep and bop and buzz and crinkle and are extraordinarily soft…..its good stuff. I love the little things that you attach to their baby carriers or car seats that you pull and they dance and light up and charm baby. OMG and bath toys, dood seriously bath toys have come A LONG way. I may just buy myself some of those bath crayons and little tumblers.
Let me not forget to mention the amazing food, it was mostly pot-luck and it turned out incredibly. It thrills me to share such an experience with people that I love. Sandy & Jen were there also as well as many other women I’ve not seen in some time. The entire experience was very heart warming, albeit totally exhausting.
I came home and spent an hour or so chatting up my Aunty MB! Yay Aunty MB, you rock.
After that I picked up Max, made some dinner and did some catching up with various friends. Talked to Matty for a little bit, he sounds pretty good. I’m hoping to see him this week some time.
Things at home are weird with Max right now. The transition between young boy and young man is challenging for both of us. Life with my boy has taken a bizarre turn, but not one that couldn’t have been predicted. None of this is unexpected I’m afraid, but how I manage it both as my own person and as his mother is where I find myself in unexpected territories. The terrain of parenthood is never dull, boring or lacking in substance.
Wish us luck!
Happy Monday all, I’m off to work.
Xo’s
S
I’d like to consider going to 4 10’s, but I’m not sure it can happen. There’s been talk of that around here a lot lately, but I know it’s one of those subjects that might be a little scary to broach with the powers that be. Certainly with our job market what it is right now, no one wants to rock the boat.
I still think work weeks are too long relatively speaking though, where’s the time for fun and R&R? Saturday is generally spent on various domestic duties and/or work and/or social engagements that by the time Sunday rolls around I’m fried. Guess I’m just still getting used to being back at work. My weekend was lovely, however brief it is and I suppose I won’t spend too much time lamenting the days I DO have off.
Saturday was Kim’s baby shower. Pregnant ladies are so beautiful. I always thought the pre-natal vitamins had something to do with it, but I think in many cases the women are just generally happy and we all know that happiness translates into such a warm kind of beauty, the best kind I’d say. Kim made out like a bandit; I can’t believe how far baby products have come in the past 16 years. SO much has changed, though it’s all still basically the same. Diapers, butt paste, soft things to wrap baby in, bottles, pacifiers, bouncy seats, bassinets, car seats, high chairs and of course (my favorite) TOYS! Toys that blink and whir and beep and bop and buzz and crinkle and are extraordinarily soft…..its good stuff. I love the little things that you attach to their baby carriers or car seats that you pull and they dance and light up and charm baby. OMG and bath toys, dood seriously bath toys have come A LONG way. I may just buy myself some of those bath crayons and little tumblers.
Let me not forget to mention the amazing food, it was mostly pot-luck and it turned out incredibly. It thrills me to share such an experience with people that I love. Sandy & Jen were there also as well as many other women I’ve not seen in some time. The entire experience was very heart warming, albeit totally exhausting.
I came home and spent an hour or so chatting up my Aunty MB! Yay Aunty MB, you rock.
After that I picked up Max, made some dinner and did some catching up with various friends. Talked to Matty for a little bit, he sounds pretty good. I’m hoping to see him this week some time.
Things at home are weird with Max right now. The transition between young boy and young man is challenging for both of us. Life with my boy has taken a bizarre turn, but not one that couldn’t have been predicted. None of this is unexpected I’m afraid, but how I manage it both as my own person and as his mother is where I find myself in unexpected territories. The terrain of parenthood is never dull, boring or lacking in substance.
Wish us luck!
Happy Monday all, I’m off to work.
Xo’s
S
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
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