I Am Moon

The moon this morning, wow! Setting over the gorgeous Rockies, something about this phase of the moon, this time of year fills me with elated emotion.

Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.

In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.

Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.

Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.

Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.

My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.

Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.

She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.

Daily Gratitude's

Today, I am Grateful for:

My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.

My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.

My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.

My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.

My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.

My spirit
...for persevering.

My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.

A Little Better Today

Today is better, though my dreams are still difficult and weighing on me. I'm having alot of dreams about death, I know death in dreams can represent rebirth or any number of big changes in your life and that would make perfect sense with my current state of mind.

I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.

And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.

Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)

xo ya'll, till next time.
S

Nothing

I'm not in a good mood today, so I'll keep this brief. I really having nothing to report at the moment, nothing positive anyway. Matt's visit with me this last weekend, which was really helpful emotionally and he was supportive as usual, was good and I did appreciate the company of an old friend. Crystal is coming soon, this is something I look forward to and I'm sure as the days draw nearer, I will feel lighter and brighter.

I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.

yuck.

Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.

He Finally Did It.

He finally said it, I knew he would and I'm sure it's not the first time but it's the first time probably so publically and in regards to Iran.

World War III.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A

If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.

Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!

I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.

Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.

Coldplay - Fix You

I always thought this song was about a fathers love for his daughter, though I don't try to interpert the lyrics of other musicians. I think music is supposed to move us in the way it happens upon us, not nessisarly how it is intended by the musician. That is why art comes to us in so many forms, to help us think and feel and ponder our existance.

Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.

Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s

Friday = Funday

I am of the opinion that most days should be Fridays. I like Mondays and Tuesdays because that is when a lot of work gets done and I am my most productive. Wednesday and Thursdays are good for wrapping up work, tidying loose and preparing for the weekend. But if I could find a way for most days to be Fridays, I probably would. Except I'd still need to be paid for a full week - now THAT would be a feat in and of itself, wouldn't it?

Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.

Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.

Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?

Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.

Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S

In Honor Of.....

John Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980




My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.

I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.

People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.

Peace :)

A Repeat Of Rwanda In Progress....?

I detest the idea of posting such an ugly article on my blog, however, I have no choice as this seems a familiar story. One which was being reported in the years up to the genocide occurring in Rwanda in 1994, but the world remained silent. My one major criticism of Clinton was his failure to respond to the violence occurring during those years leading up to and during the tribal brutality.

The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background

I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.

The Simple Life

Life is relatively quiet at the moment and I am thankful for this. Max is wrapping up soccer and other than the standard teen-age testing, he seems relatively stable and happy at the moment. All the animals are healthy getting ready for winter. Pumpkin and Kasha are forever engaging in a battle of wills and territory over who is Mom's 'favorite' which is a loosing battle because I don't have a 'favorite' but I can't seem to articulate this into kitteh/puppeh language.

Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.

I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.

I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?

My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.

Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.

Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.

Till next time, love to you all.

xo,
S

Encouraging News!

A court date has been set for Oct 16th 2007 to establish an official child support order! This also means that Sean would be required to provide Max with health insurance. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much it would help for Max's father to contribute financially, it would certainly lighten the weight so I can at least breathe and avoid robbing Peter to pay Paul. At least from now forward he will be required to by law and he won't have a lot of wiggle room around that. Of course, this does then beg the question of visitation, but H and I have discussed this and agreed that we will not even discuss visitation until Sean has submitted his payments on time for 3 consecutive months. Max is not a dollar sign, he his a human being and I don't see it as trading Sean's money for time with his own son. However, Sean has had 13+ years of opportunities and done nothing with them. The idea is that if Sean commits to being responsible enough to pay his child support on time, then he may possibly be capable of committing to visitation with Max.

In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.

Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss

Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.

Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!

This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.

Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.

Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*

I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....

I KNEW IT! Course, depends on the day I guess...

What dog breed are you? Quiz

Free Fun Quizzes at FunQuizCards.com





My Result Was:
Your dog breed personality is - Bulldog, Alsatian, Labrador, etc. Aggressive, spontaneous and hyperactive.

Updates, Revelations and Joy

My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.

I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.

My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.

The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.

It will come to me, I'm sure of it.

My High Score: 92!

Ok, for you bowlers out there DO NOT READ this post because you will just laugh at me. But I got a 92 as my high score today! YAY MEE!

Once per quarter my company does something fun with my team, we have potlucks, go bowling, play Family Feud (that is a HOOT!) and occasionally, we just get to leave early on Friday's if our work is done on time.

Today we went bowling, had pizza (they even ordered a veggie for Rhy and I, aw) and whilst there is no libations allowed of any kind because someone always ruins it, we all plenty and plenty of fine.

Hooting, hollering and a whole lot of non-techie speak, which is almost unheard of at my work b/c if we aren't speaking nerd-speak to one another that is related to work, the jokes we make are nerd-speak and sometimes I'm just like COME ON PEOPLE the world does not exist inside a desktop computer and the world of code. Seriously.

Even J whom I rarely even hear a peep from was throwing his gorilla balls (and handed my ass to me, but oh well) and giggle like a little boy. Does much for morale I'd say.

So, out of 3 games I bowled an 86, an 82 and then...a 92! One more frame and I would've broke 100. YAY BOWLING. YAY Tree Fruits!

I'm off to finish up a few quick chores about the house and then, I'm done for the day. Max and I plan to do a little weeding this weekend, watch monkey Bubba and I will spend my standard 2 - 4 hours each day combing the internet for contract job.

YAY BOWLING!

peace

Finally, it happened...

It seemed inevitable, that I was well one my way to becoming the emotionally barren ice queen I've always feared. She's not able to embrace the warmth of life, of living each day. She cannot appreciate the beauty of others or avoid the cynical eye peering down upon the new ones crossing her path. She lost her own light somewhere and put the blame on anything else to deflect it from being her own responsibility to find it again. She hisses secretly with her fellow female cohorts, and took great pleasure in the idea's that she might become the martyr for all of those who've pained and lost and sacrificed and been taken advantage of. And surely, she would never ever love anyone again as an even great measure of self-preservation. Certainly, she wouldn't allow anyone that control over her.

She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.

Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.

And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.

The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.

Amongst the attirbutes I'd like to add to my growing list of "Super Powers" is the ability to elongate and stretch my body like cats do. In yoga, it may be possible to achieve something similar and certainely, stretching in such a manner is satisfying. Based on the the blissfull gratification that cats seem to gain from their stretching, I'm not sure the many ideartions of down-ward dog and cat pose could ever compare. Gaia Cat's look the most graceful, her paws seem to extend far beyond her normal reach and her yawning mouth exposes all those teeth and her eyes roll back in her head, you can almost see her transcending this reality for a breif moment. Gaia also has the ability to hunch her spine up in a most startling manner, much like you'd see in a child coloring book for Halloween. She is the epidome of the "Halloween Black Cat" when she arches up like that. This arching looks extremely enjoyable as it always followed by another round of the paws extended forward/teeth/posessed eyes stretch. Pumpkin is old and mostly, just takes her time doing every thing. Her stretches are mostly on her back and remind me of when she was a smalll kitten. In that moment, Pumpkin is 4 months old and staring at me upside-down, taunting and hoping beyond hope that I will produce string or some other string like object from my person. My personal favorite was to chase her with the feather duster, which put my mother through the roof because it was made of "real ostritch feathers" and that meant nothing to me except that some poor ostritch had lost it's beautiful garment to this silly household item. It made a much better kitten toy and eventually Pumpkin did have her with it and the feather duster was no more.

Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?

This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.

Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.

Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.

Johhny Behave!

Malaise

mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness

As defined by Merriam Webster....

yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.

Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!

BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!

Top 5 Reasons I Am Happy Today

1) I woke up to a pink little tongue happily licking my face (this means it's time to wake up and go to the potty, it's a short window, puppies have small bladders.)

2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)

3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'

4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.

5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.

Ok Weekend....

Weekend was pretty quiet, I mostly felt like crap Fri/Saturday from this sinus infection. M & H came over some Monopoly, which was fun. I miss Matt, I don't see him all that often these days. We all turned in relatively early for us and I was up early this morning.

Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.

It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.

I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.

Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.

Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.

Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!

Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.

I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.

Strangely....It's Not So Bad!

Ha. Caught the crud, feel lousy. Baby daddy drama. I am broker than broke and looking for ways to supplement my income actively, I owe a ton of money to a ton of different sources and my ex-boyfriend stiffed me on several thousand dollars and got a brand new Harley Davidson out of the deal AND my son's XBox and 3 years of my life.

Sounds like a country song.

But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.

Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.

Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.

But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.

All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.

The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.

So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.

Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.

Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.

Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.

I'm cleaning house!