My new favorite word is "indicator." One single word encompasses gauging a situation.
R (a total doll of a co-worker and interesting too, proof that looks, brains and a soul do exist a guy!) took me to Kabob Station today (hmmm) and I spent the entire time feeling hypersensitive to things I hadn't noticed before. He went to get his truck to pick me up and drop me off near the door so I didn't have to walk to much, he listened to what I had to say. He looked me in the eye while communicating and gave me a little squeeze when I got a little frustrated about my ankle and how long it takes me to move around; he brought me crutches today at work and is trying, to no avail - I am CLUMSY these days - to use them. He yelled at me for having cigarettes in my purse, he said he didn't want to have wooop my ass over something so stupid since he's sure I must be smarter than that. He holds the door and offered to carry my purse (ha man purse) while I was trying not fall and split my head open on those crutches, he doesn't bullshit me. He's not trying to be a good-guy, he's not trying to get in my pants or my wallet. He's happily involved with a beautiful young lady and loves her and her son. I see marriage for these two, it's so very sweet. He talks about her like she his princess and swells with pride when even the mention of her name comes up.
Then I got it, this is just how he treats women. The women he likes. He and I get along quite well, much like my relationships with Brian, Matt and Dane through the years...it's very honest and brotherly, but still fun enough to feel like good close friends.
I forgot what it is like to be treated like I am worth something by a man, like I count, like who I am interests him. I forgot what's like to spend time with a man that opens the door for you and doesn't smooth everything over with a thin film of charm. Spending time around someone that isn't trying to so hard to convince me (or themselves) that they are a good person, honorable, genuine, authentic, compassionate....not trying to convince me, just are those things....wow, the clarity!
Yup. Talk about a wake up call.
Then I thought to myself that R treated me sweeter in an hour than I'd been treated by a guy in a very long time and how really sad that is. I thought about the long lunches I used to take with Brian and how we had a similar repoire, just comfortable and he seemed to think I was a pretty special girl. So special in fact that he asked me to help him pick out his then-fiance's engagement ring because it mattered what I thought.
All of these things, actions....the things people DO and not just say, they are indicators. Indicators of who they are, not what they say they are. Why I've never realized this before is beyond me....Howard treats Mary like she is a queen (and she is) without question, the respect they have between them is not like anyhting I've seen. My Grandfather takes care of my GramE and vice versa. Dane really tries to make Crystal happy, he cares about she feels. Matt wants to know that Helen is happy and in love, because it matters to him. Matt CLEANS the bathroom!?!?!? Can you imagine? Dane takes Crystal to the movies and does stuff with her. They hang out - together!
The closest people to me, their actions also say more than any words I've heard from the people that have come and gone through out my life. My best friend and I haven't been able to live more than 15 miles apart since I moved home from CA. My family is supportive and loving and always there, no matter what. Howard said to call him at 3 in the morning if I need to. Sandy is trying to help me find a contract job, Crystal offered to pay for me to come to Mexico for cripes sakes so I wouldn't miss her wedding b/c it was important and I was sad that I was missing it. That's what people who love you do.
Slowly, the realization of what love is becomes clearer. It's not about what you say....it's about what you do. Duh. And from the beginning, when you are first getting to know someone...there are indicators about what type of person they are simply based on these little things.
It's not about judgement. It's about allowing myself to see what is real and not what I want it to be.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Random Meanderings... (OUUUUUUUUUCH)
I talked at length with my Aunt Marcy last night, it was neat. I feel so open with her, my Conlee's sure do rock! Their all so loving, accepting...like what families do right? I was in a mood last night I tell ya, Aunty got to see me in a prime state of mind. But hey, everyone has those days where they cuss too much and are angry at the world. I think it was the combination of the pain pills and one too many cigarettes. I don't smoke any more - remember! Danget, busted.
Anywhoozle...it feels good to get to know my fathers family, I like finding out where I come from and it never hurts to have one more person out in the world to love! I talked to my GramE for a few minutes last night too, I love her voice. It makes me feel good.
I am miserable today though, those freaking pain killers are killing ME! They make me feel worse than they are worth, which really is a bummer because it hurts today. I won't lie, I'm feeling pitiful about it kind of. I'm exhausted by the whole thing...hurting takes a lot out of a girl. It's safe to say I am completely drained at this point. So, I'll be going home soon I think. Going home to look at my Hello Kitty fun things from P and snuggle my Max and water the dog. Yeah, I have to water my dog. She LOVES water. It's hard to deny her.
The motorcycle people are calling me, luckily I know what to say. I'm getting more and more nervous about it....it's unbelievable to me how much a person can deny their irresponsibility and how it's adversely affected others. The strain this situation has put on me, Max and Mary & Howard is so painful. My life has suffered, my relationships are suffering and I end up left feeling like all of this for a guy? Wow. I'll know better next time, that's for sure.
On that note, because I am left with huge furniture payments that were supposed to be paid off in trade for my credit helping him to buy the bike....blah blah blah..(I'm not bitter) blah blah blah...I'm bidding on contract work. I can't under cut myself on this one, but it is non-profit so I have to be as minimal as possible. If it pans out, I should get a little closer to not going bankrupt.
Other news....Max starts soccer camp Monday and he's gigantic. I am going home now to snuggle him and forget about money and work and soccer practice for a few hours and then sleep!!!!
Anywhoozle...it feels good to get to know my fathers family, I like finding out where I come from and it never hurts to have one more person out in the world to love! I talked to my GramE for a few minutes last night too, I love her voice. It makes me feel good.
I am miserable today though, those freaking pain killers are killing ME! They make me feel worse than they are worth, which really is a bummer because it hurts today. I won't lie, I'm feeling pitiful about it kind of. I'm exhausted by the whole thing...hurting takes a lot out of a girl. It's safe to say I am completely drained at this point. So, I'll be going home soon I think. Going home to look at my Hello Kitty fun things from P and snuggle my Max and water the dog. Yeah, I have to water my dog. She LOVES water. It's hard to deny her.
The motorcycle people are calling me, luckily I know what to say. I'm getting more and more nervous about it....it's unbelievable to me how much a person can deny their irresponsibility and how it's adversely affected others. The strain this situation has put on me, Max and Mary & Howard is so painful. My life has suffered, my relationships are suffering and I end up left feeling like all of this for a guy? Wow. I'll know better next time, that's for sure.
On that note, because I am left with huge furniture payments that were supposed to be paid off in trade for my credit helping him to buy the bike....blah blah blah..(I'm not bitter) blah blah blah...I'm bidding on contract work. I can't under cut myself on this one, but it is non-profit so I have to be as minimal as possible. If it pans out, I should get a little closer to not going bankrupt.
Other news....Max starts soccer camp Monday and he's gigantic. I am going home now to snuggle him and forget about money and work and soccer practice for a few hours and then sleep!!!!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
The Nerve Of Man
Max's father is contesting parternity. Meaning, he's making Max PROVE that he is his child (which is Sean's right) before Sean will even proceed with court ordered activity child support activity. Ok, fine...like I get it, probably some one advised him to do so. Fine. Except, Max is like almost 15 years old and Sean has NEVER denied that Max is his son. And, it's only when it comes to dollar signs does Sean suddenly want to get serious about weather this kid is his or not.
The endless nerve that men in my generation seem to have is apalling. There seems to be little, or none at all, sense of accountablility or moral ground for them to say..."Hey, what I does might actually affect someone!" Like his child, or his ex-partner, or even is current wife. I totally give up.
Next Tuesday, at 9 AM...Max and I have to report to DNA testing at Jeffco Social Services. Hrm...how to discuss this with Max. Well first of all, when I spoke w/ my case worker and she informed not only did Max have to swab his mouth I also had to, to prove that I was his mother. I know I shouldn't be insulted...but I WAS. I asked her if she'd ever seen a picture of my son....she said "Yes, I have it right here." I didn't have to say anymore, we both just laughed.
I thought to myself, after all this time that I've been the one changing his perverbial diaper and feeding him and worrying about him...someone is going to question whether I am his mother or not. Screw that junk. I know it's a formality...but HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Back to how to discuss with Max...so I've thought about it for a few days, and I thought the best thing was just to give him the facts and see what he says. He asked, "Why would we have to go get our DNA tested to prove that Sean is my dad?" I gave him some mumbo jumbo about how it's his dad's rigbht to ask and he just wants to be sure before we enter into a child support order....Max interrupted with "He wants to be sure that I am his son?" I said yes and monitored carefully.
If I ever have to see my child's face like that again, I will take care of Sean's attitude problem myself. The heartbreak was obvious and as if I've not had to mend his heart enought b/c of a man who was irresponsible with his heart...here, let me pick it up off the floor for you again.
He asked if I knew why he was doing this. I told him b/c he just wants to be sure. Max said "Because he doesn't want to have to pay to help me if I am not his son?" And I said..."Yes, he's probably trying to get out of paying child support." Max looked at my like puppies do when they are curious.
I held him and told him there was no doubt that he was Sean's son and that it was about time for his dad to start helping out. Max said "Your right Mom, and if Sean doesn't think I am his kid...what about my adam's apple? Or my teeth?" I told him he was right and I was sorry if he was hurting. He denied it, but immiedately wanted to go outside and hang out with his friends. Clearly, he's hurt and pissed.
Honestly, there's a part of me that is glad he's pissed. I hate having to be the one to explain to my child that his dad is a total jerk-weed, but I've been kind long enough. I can no longer protect Max from the facts. And that is that his father is forcing us to go to a DNA testing cetner and verify that Sean is the father of my child, and tha tI am the mother, even though his name is on the birth certificate and he has never ever EVER denied that Max is his son.
Freaking losers. How it is that people like this cannot see outside of themselves enough to realize who else they may be hurting is beyond me. We were all vulnerable once, we were all children once....how does that get lost in people? How do they forget and then loose sight of how their selfish actions might hurt others?
I don't get it.
The endless nerve that men in my generation seem to have is apalling. There seems to be little, or none at all, sense of accountablility or moral ground for them to say..."Hey, what I does might actually affect someone!" Like his child, or his ex-partner, or even is current wife. I totally give up.
Next Tuesday, at 9 AM...Max and I have to report to DNA testing at Jeffco Social Services. Hrm...how to discuss this with Max. Well first of all, when I spoke w/ my case worker and she informed not only did Max have to swab his mouth I also had to, to prove that I was his mother. I know I shouldn't be insulted...but I WAS. I asked her if she'd ever seen a picture of my son....she said "Yes, I have it right here." I didn't have to say anymore, we both just laughed.
I thought to myself, after all this time that I've been the one changing his perverbial diaper and feeding him and worrying about him...someone is going to question whether I am his mother or not. Screw that junk. I know it's a formality...but HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Back to how to discuss with Max...so I've thought about it for a few days, and I thought the best thing was just to give him the facts and see what he says. He asked, "Why would we have to go get our DNA tested to prove that Sean is my dad?" I gave him some mumbo jumbo about how it's his dad's rigbht to ask and he just wants to be sure before we enter into a child support order....Max interrupted with "He wants to be sure that I am his son?" I said yes and monitored carefully.
If I ever have to see my child's face like that again, I will take care of Sean's attitude problem myself. The heartbreak was obvious and as if I've not had to mend his heart enought b/c of a man who was irresponsible with his heart...here, let me pick it up off the floor for you again.
He asked if I knew why he was doing this. I told him b/c he just wants to be sure. Max said "Because he doesn't want to have to pay to help me if I am not his son?" And I said..."Yes, he's probably trying to get out of paying child support." Max looked at my like puppies do when they are curious.
I held him and told him there was no doubt that he was Sean's son and that it was about time for his dad to start helping out. Max said "Your right Mom, and if Sean doesn't think I am his kid...what about my adam's apple? Or my teeth?" I told him he was right and I was sorry if he was hurting. He denied it, but immiedately wanted to go outside and hang out with his friends. Clearly, he's hurt and pissed.
Honestly, there's a part of me that is glad he's pissed. I hate having to be the one to explain to my child that his dad is a total jerk-weed, but I've been kind long enough. I can no longer protect Max from the facts. And that is that his father is forcing us to go to a DNA testing cetner and verify that Sean is the father of my child, and tha tI am the mother, even though his name is on the birth certificate and he has never ever EVER denied that Max is his son.
Freaking losers. How it is that people like this cannot see outside of themselves enough to realize who else they may be hurting is beyond me. We were all vulnerable once, we were all children once....how does that get lost in people? How do they forget and then loose sight of how their selfish actions might hurt others?
I don't get it.
Monday, July 30, 2007
This is Moose Tracks
Everyone keeps asking what is "Moose Tracks?"
This is Moose Tracks. It is the best ice cream ever, except that stuff I used to get at some family place in Wisconsin by my Mom's old work....
But....this is the best ice cream besides that....except Coldstone is pretty flipping good too, I mean you can't beat that place. Can you tell me ANY ice cream parlor that lets you put ACTUAL PEANUT BUTTER right IN your ice cream? And Butterfingers and all this yummy fruit and waffle cone pieces too mmmmmmmmmm.
Ok, ok, this is the best ice cream you can by at most major grociery chains.
How's that????????????
http://www.moosetracks.com/flavors/detail/14
HA HA! Along with 50 mgs Vicadin for my ankle, I have half a gallon of Moose Tracks too. And some artichoke dip and crackers. Yum. If I didn't know for sure that it is not even possible...I'd think I was pregnant. Nah, just a little disheartened and in pain. That will all be over soon.......lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
buh bye searing, burning pain in my ankle
buy bye scorching, awful pain in my heart
buy bye annoying, selfish pain in my ass
buh bye buh bye buh bye buh bye
laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is Moose Tracks. It is the best ice cream ever, except that stuff I used to get at some family place in Wisconsin by my Mom's old work....
But....this is the best ice cream besides that....except Coldstone is pretty flipping good too, I mean you can't beat that place. Can you tell me ANY ice cream parlor that lets you put ACTUAL PEANUT BUTTER right IN your ice cream? And Butterfingers and all this yummy fruit and waffle cone pieces too mmmmmmmmmm.
Ok, ok, this is the best ice cream you can by at most major grociery chains.
How's that????????????
http://www.moosetracks.com/flavors/detail/14
HA HA! Along with 50 mgs Vicadin for my ankle, I have half a gallon of Moose Tracks too. And some artichoke dip and crackers. Yum. If I didn't know for sure that it is not even possible...I'd think I was pregnant. Nah, just a little disheartened and in pain. That will all be over soon.......lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
buh bye searing, burning pain in my ankle
buy bye scorching, awful pain in my heart
buy bye annoying, selfish pain in my ass
buh bye buh bye buh bye buh bye
laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The Iran discussion has been quiet for a while, I think it's wise to keep it open. I love Chomsky, I wonder how does a person become so wise?
http://www.alternet.org/story/58243/
Oh yeah, and Al Gore's kid got busted for weed in his Toyota Prius! HA! Eh, good for him. I think Gore should incorporate the legalization of marijuana into his slide-show. LOL. It's sort of hard to deny the benefits for both the public and the money grubbing government, why not shoot for the moon? I'd also like to mandate that any baby's daddy not currently paying child support be required to immediately report to Iraq so that not even one more child has to.
http://www.alternet.org/story/58243/
Oh yeah, and Al Gore's kid got busted for weed in his Toyota Prius! HA! Eh, good for him. I think Gore should incorporate the legalization of marijuana into his slide-show. LOL. It's sort of hard to deny the benefits for both the public and the money grubbing government, why not shoot for the moon? I'd also like to mandate that any baby's daddy not currently paying child support be required to immediately report to Iraq so that not even one more child has to.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I Have Been Humbled. Again.
The ankle fairies took it upon themselves to intervene and humble me last night. Unfortunately, it brought a potentially fun evening out with friends to a screeching halt. There is a meat ball now on my ankle, I expect it will get blue and purple and look awfully ugly soon....I'll take a picture and post it to keep as a memory of last night so that Helen, Matt and myself can all laugh about it later and reminisce. ha. ha. HA! Hilarious. It will take a while for this heal, until then I'll be a limping, gimpy tree-fruit!
In addition to my physical body having been humbled, my spiritual and emotional one has been as well. There are people in life that come and go and either cannot, or will not, be authentically who they are. Other times though, there are people who believe in you and support you and they don't need a reason, they just do. Some times, being loved by others isn't easy. It can be hard loving them back. For me, if I respect someone, I feel accountable to them. I feel I must honor and reciprocate the same love that is being shown to me. Some times, that feels really hard for me. Like my heart might break if I screw up so badly that I have been damaged in the eyes of those I love. And then I get angry if someone calls me out on something that makes me uncomfortable. Or if I feel judged. Which usually means I have some internal space that knows so and so is right about what they are saying, that feeling of being judged I mean. Usually, if I feel judged...it is because there are kernels of truth that I don't want to acknowledge.
With time, I am getting it that letting other people love me means having to release my egos and fears about being disliked or abandoned or unloved any longer because of something I may have done or said that I believe to reflect on me poorly in the eyes of my loved ones. I get it that it means I'm not always going to be perfect, and that's ok AND that it's ok for my friends and family to call bullshit if I am acting the fool. That's sort of what people who really care about you do, right? And that doesn't mean they are going to be eternally dissapointed in me, or no longer love me because I'm not perfect. This also doesn't mean they don't have a right to express said concerns to me simply because I have authority issues and am not terribley fond of anyone telling me what to do....and my little 12 year old mind gets to thinking "Well, I'll show them!" or "Screw him, he can't tell me what to do!" The irony is that the drive and determination that exists within me to strive for some thing more than what's been handed to me is an awful lot like that stubborn, imature and naive 12 year old that one minute is begging to be loved and appreciated and the next spitefully casting aside anyone that gets in my way or tells me no.
I am such an emotional train wreck right now. Seriously, I can really see that now. The only way I seem to be able to react emotionally to anything right now is with anger. The other night, I was watching a movie that struck an extremeley sensetive chord and I became angry about that because I simply no longer wanted to feel sorrow. Damn that movie for making me cry! I've cried enough for one life time thank you very much. More and mroe, I am able to see how people become embittered toward the world and emotionally defunct. Being angry, putting armor on to face the world is much more simple than facing the hurt and deep-seeded sadness within a person.
That's not going to be me. I can't let it be. It's too painful, to think that I might spend my life in that space. How would I ever unfold into more than this if I spend my years being closed off to life and experiences simply for the sake of not hurting any more. Or feeling upset because someone said something to me that I know is true, but I don't want to admit it and I just dismiss it because I'd rather not hear it? (I apologize Matt, you are right and I do love you for that.) There are many things that are not fair about this life, there are many things that hurt like hell but you get up every day and face it and if you shut up long enough to really hear what your friends who love you are trying to say....you understand some things maybe you can't by yourself. Or learn something about love instead of thinking you already know it all.
In addition to my physical body having been humbled, my spiritual and emotional one has been as well. There are people in life that come and go and either cannot, or will not, be authentically who they are. Other times though, there are people who believe in you and support you and they don't need a reason, they just do. Some times, being loved by others isn't easy. It can be hard loving them back. For me, if I respect someone, I feel accountable to them. I feel I must honor and reciprocate the same love that is being shown to me. Some times, that feels really hard for me. Like my heart might break if I screw up so badly that I have been damaged in the eyes of those I love. And then I get angry if someone calls me out on something that makes me uncomfortable. Or if I feel judged. Which usually means I have some internal space that knows so and so is right about what they are saying, that feeling of being judged I mean. Usually, if I feel judged...it is because there are kernels of truth that I don't want to acknowledge.
With time, I am getting it that letting other people love me means having to release my egos and fears about being disliked or abandoned or unloved any longer because of something I may have done or said that I believe to reflect on me poorly in the eyes of my loved ones. I get it that it means I'm not always going to be perfect, and that's ok AND that it's ok for my friends and family to call bullshit if I am acting the fool. That's sort of what people who really care about you do, right? And that doesn't mean they are going to be eternally dissapointed in me, or no longer love me because I'm not perfect. This also doesn't mean they don't have a right to express said concerns to me simply because I have authority issues and am not terribley fond of anyone telling me what to do....and my little 12 year old mind gets to thinking "Well, I'll show them!" or "Screw him, he can't tell me what to do!" The irony is that the drive and determination that exists within me to strive for some thing more than what's been handed to me is an awful lot like that stubborn, imature and naive 12 year old that one minute is begging to be loved and appreciated and the next spitefully casting aside anyone that gets in my way or tells me no.
I am such an emotional train wreck right now. Seriously, I can really see that now. The only way I seem to be able to react emotionally to anything right now is with anger. The other night, I was watching a movie that struck an extremeley sensetive chord and I became angry about that because I simply no longer wanted to feel sorrow. Damn that movie for making me cry! I've cried enough for one life time thank you very much. More and mroe, I am able to see how people become embittered toward the world and emotionally defunct. Being angry, putting armor on to face the world is much more simple than facing the hurt and deep-seeded sadness within a person.
That's not going to be me. I can't let it be. It's too painful, to think that I might spend my life in that space. How would I ever unfold into more than this if I spend my years being closed off to life and experiences simply for the sake of not hurting any more. Or feeling upset because someone said something to me that I know is true, but I don't want to admit it and I just dismiss it because I'd rather not hear it? (I apologize Matt, you are right and I do love you for that.) There are many things that are not fair about this life, there are many things that hurt like hell but you get up every day and face it and if you shut up long enough to really hear what your friends who love you are trying to say....you understand some things maybe you can't by yourself. Or learn something about love instead of thinking you already know it all.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Aunty Guilt, Oh....The Horror!
Aunty MB and I had a fab-u-lous conversation last night, her voice is of an instant comfort and joy to me!
However, I felt so shamed after I hung up for not posting pics of the new kitchen yet that I promised myself I would post some today so I wouldn't have to endure that guilt any longer!
xo - love you Aunty!
However, I felt so shamed after I hung up for not posting pics of the new kitchen yet that I promised myself I would post some today so I wouldn't have to endure that guilt any longer!
xo - love you Aunty!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Lauryn Hill - Forgive Them Father Lyrics
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Although them again we will never, never, never trust
Dem noh know weh dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto
Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Don't Shake Ya Tailfeather At Work!
So, I'm all busting a move in my cube just now....bobbing my head and boogying down in my office chair. Just generally having a helluva good time all by my bad self with my code and my new play list and then it happened. My general manager came to ask for my signature on something and I was all busting out Mango Style! AND, I have a tank top on today b/c it's beyond warm in my freaking office and there were tattoos and cleavage and everything. DOH! Tank tops are explicitly listed on the dress code as 'unacceptable' I had a cutie little shirt over it when I came in today, but I thought...what's the harm if I take it off while I'm sitting at my desk?
He just smiled and laughed, turned and walked out. I instantly became red and as you all know, an embarrassed Mango is a very very red Mango. I don't hide that very well unfortunately, with the translucent skin and all. Great. He either laughed b/c I was doing the cube boogey or b/c he enjoyed the view...I'm not sure, either way...a smile is way better than a smirk. He's got a great sense of humor, but still...he will now think of me as the freak that sits in her cube and dances by herself. That'll teach me to have fun at work. Good think he didn't notice the open toed sandals and poor ergonomic placement of my keyboard.
He just smiled and laughed, turned and walked out. I instantly became red and as you all know, an embarrassed Mango is a very very red Mango. I don't hide that very well unfortunately, with the translucent skin and all. Great. He either laughed b/c I was doing the cube boogey or b/c he enjoyed the view...I'm not sure, either way...a smile is way better than a smirk. He's got a great sense of humor, but still...he will now think of me as the freak that sits in her cube and dances by herself. That'll teach me to have fun at work. Good think he didn't notice the open toed sandals and poor ergonomic placement of my keyboard.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I love Norah Jones. The sound of her voice is both soothing and sultry. To me, she is epitome of both a gorgeous classic voice and a gorgeously classic woman. Her lyrics are magic to me and I find myself lulled by her lyrics.
For the past month, until today, those songs just filled me with sadness because the majority of her music is about the joys and the burdens of love. Then, on the way home from my lunch date with Max, I had an epiphany. When I hear music that is love laden and sentimental, instead feeling this sadness over a guy that could not appreciate what he had while he was with me, I will think of the guy that will and can. It's sort of fun, visualizing this fabled person, as if he could possibly exist because my standards now seem impossibly high. It's still fun though, capable, loving, self-less, giving, honorable, truly independent and carefully intentional. Certainly this person exists somewhere and if not, that's ok too...until I happen upon that person, if I ever do, I'll gladly sing my heart out with Norah in my car and cry no more.
For the past month, until today, those songs just filled me with sadness because the majority of her music is about the joys and the burdens of love. Then, on the way home from my lunch date with Max, I had an epiphany. When I hear music that is love laden and sentimental, instead feeling this sadness over a guy that could not appreciate what he had while he was with me, I will think of the guy that will and can. It's sort of fun, visualizing this fabled person, as if he could possibly exist because my standards now seem impossibly high. It's still fun though, capable, loving, self-less, giving, honorable, truly independent and carefully intentional. Certainly this person exists somewhere and if not, that's ok too...until I happen upon that person, if I ever do, I'll gladly sing my heart out with Norah in my car and cry no more.
Monday, July 23, 2007
"Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye
Poem:* "Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye, from /The Words Under the Words:
Selected Poems/. © Eighth Mountain Press, 1995. Reprinted with permission.
*Kindness*
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Selected Poems/. © Eighth Mountain Press, 1995. Reprinted with permission.
*Kindness*
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Weekend Review
Max is home, we are happy about that! He's got a touch of the hanging out w/ the grandparents too long syndrome so he thinks he doesn't have to do chores or listen to his Momma...that'll pass after the 18th time I remind him that he's home. I am just so happy to see him, his voice sounds different?
Gaia has managed to get herself into a fight and has a nasty wound on her right hind-leg and a strange lump on her right rear huanch. Was about this time last year she did the same. Garh, her timing is perfect. I'll have to see how this goes the next few days, Gaia isn't a totally domesticated cat in many ways. She may be able to get through this on her own, we'll see. She certainely seems willing to let me care for her though, so she might need a little human intervention to get that cleaned up and healed.
I'm going to be slammed at work this week, I'll check in soon.
Aunty MB: Sorry I didn't get back with you yesterday and I missed your call later, I was asleep. When it's this hot, going to sleep is a great option though it's hard to get there. Anywhoozle, I love you and will talk to you soon.
xo all,
S
Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale
Gaia has managed to get herself into a fight and has a nasty wound on her right hind-leg and a strange lump on her right rear huanch. Was about this time last year she did the same. Garh, her timing is perfect. I'll have to see how this goes the next few days, Gaia isn't a totally domesticated cat in many ways. She may be able to get through this on her own, we'll see. She certainely seems willing to let me care for her though, so she might need a little human intervention to get that cleaned up and healed.
I'm going to be slammed at work this week, I'll check in soon.
Aunty MB: Sorry I didn't get back with you yesterday and I missed your call later, I was asleep. When it's this hot, going to sleep is a great option though it's hard to get there. Anywhoozle, I love you and will talk to you soon.
xo all,
S
Joy increases as you give it, and diminishes as you try
to keep it for yourself. In giving it, you will accumulate
a deposit of joy greater than you ever believed possible.
--Norman Vincent Peale
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Ha, This Is What I Am Talking About....
This made me laugh so hard this morning, here I've been thinking of the steps I will take to avoid becoming the overly-zealous-bitter-man-hater type...and I came across this and laughed and laughed....why? Because it's FUNNY!
Who says you can't find humor in rotten situations? That poor sand castle *shakes head*
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Cheers To Quiet Saturday Evenings!
I finished reading Waltzing The Cat by Pam Houston. Outstanding book, empowering and hopeful. The metaphorical content in this book is interesting, I plan to read it again and take notes, plus I love the author's method of communicating from Lucy's (main carachter) perspective.
Max and I watched SherryBaby together, well told story of a woman with a complex history who wants to make it right with her family. Melancholy certainly, but it felt authentic. Maggie G did a fantastic job acting this part, I'm actually quiet shocked to be honest. She really made it work, these are the roles I would totally go after if I was an actress. Of course, I'd have to loose about 100 lbs and get a boob lift. I watched another movie with an extremely tiny Christina Ricci, too skinny. I'm going whoa, it's getting worse. The waif actress syndrome, here I thought it was getting better. Christina Ricci has always been petite, but well proportioned. She looked like death warmed over in this part, it's hard for me to believe how thin these woman must really be b/c the camera warps the body anyway. Such a bunch of bullshit, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! Some people are born naturally thin, most aren't. Most of us have hips, bellies, thighs and hips. And in my case, lots of junk in the trunk! Booties are sexy if you ask me, these girls have no booties...just skinny little tiny bodies that look more like 14 year old boys then a full grown woman. Our culture is so twisted.
Anyway, the book was great and I'd recommend it to anyone and the movie also for sure.
'night
Max and I watched SherryBaby together, well told story of a woman with a complex history who wants to make it right with her family. Melancholy certainly, but it felt authentic. Maggie G did a fantastic job acting this part, I'm actually quiet shocked to be honest. She really made it work, these are the roles I would totally go after if I was an actress. Of course, I'd have to loose about 100 lbs and get a boob lift. I watched another movie with an extremely tiny Christina Ricci, too skinny. I'm going whoa, it's getting worse. The waif actress syndrome, here I thought it was getting better. Christina Ricci has always been petite, but well proportioned. She looked like death warmed over in this part, it's hard for me to believe how thin these woman must really be b/c the camera warps the body anyway. Such a bunch of bullshit, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT! Some people are born naturally thin, most aren't. Most of us have hips, bellies, thighs and hips. And in my case, lots of junk in the trunk! Booties are sexy if you ask me, these girls have no booties...just skinny little tiny bodies that look more like 14 year old boys then a full grown woman. Our culture is so twisted.
Anyway, the book was great and I'd recommend it to anyone and the movie also for sure.
'night
Avoiding the cycnism
I have found myself with many intensely cycnial thoughts recently. How will I ever trust again? Will I ever trust again? How will I ever believe a word that comes out of any mans mouth? What within me has changed so deeply that I generally find myself feeling literal disgust toward men. The extent to which I feel betrayed, horrified, dishonored and lied to at this point is overwhelming. Surely, I must still be in shock. This sense of disbelief continues to wash over me in huge waves. He wouldn't do this to me, I never thought he would be 'that' guy. I made my mistakes, plenty. We both have, it's true. Often, I find myself shaking my head with wonder. In retrospect, it is all so clear and when those images come in my mind, the history, the memories, what I thought was someone who thought I was special...the tears well up and that tightness in my chest begins to widdle away at my breathe and I find myself trying to understand how people can treat each other so cruely.
My foremost concern at this poing is that I feel so hopeless about my future in terms of relationships with anyone, not just possibley romantic ones. At this point, I cannot even fathom dating and that is to be expected considering the current situation. What worries me more than that is that I feel this fundamentl shift at the core of who I am, what little remaining innocence that existed in me feels betrayed. That place that always believed that we all are good in our hearts and when given the chance, we will do the right thing. I will miss that ignorant bliss, because as I see it now, I'm not sure it can be reclaimed. I feel anxious about the idea that I may spend the rest of my life eyeballing others closely before I feel I can trust them in any way. This feels undescribabley sad to me, it makes my heart ache.
Time is imperative in healing this, that is painfully obvious. Certainely I must spend some time agonizing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't cry tears over this. Somewhere in my heart, I keep thinking I might just speed through the process some how and emerge shiny and new. It can't happen like that, as unfair as that some how seems to me. My friends and family might be thinking that compared to what I've been through already in this life, this is merely a road block. That may be true, but I don't feel as resilliant as I once was. With the experiences I've had in my youth, one might think I would be totally untrusting by nature. I've been cautious, that' for certain....but I can easily say that what I feel right now is bleeding every ounce of energy and concepts of trust out of my very being. I feel consumed, eaten alive.
The main challenge I forsee is avoiding becoming a completely cynical and mistrusting indivdiaul with a jaded view of the world and the people in it. And learning how to protect myself and love again at the same time.
sigh.
My foremost concern at this poing is that I feel so hopeless about my future in terms of relationships with anyone, not just possibley romantic ones. At this point, I cannot even fathom dating and that is to be expected considering the current situation. What worries me more than that is that I feel this fundamentl shift at the core of who I am, what little remaining innocence that existed in me feels betrayed. That place that always believed that we all are good in our hearts and when given the chance, we will do the right thing. I will miss that ignorant bliss, because as I see it now, I'm not sure it can be reclaimed. I feel anxious about the idea that I may spend the rest of my life eyeballing others closely before I feel I can trust them in any way. This feels undescribabley sad to me, it makes my heart ache.
Time is imperative in healing this, that is painfully obvious. Certainely I must spend some time agonizing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't cry tears over this. Somewhere in my heart, I keep thinking I might just speed through the process some how and emerge shiny and new. It can't happen like that, as unfair as that some how seems to me. My friends and family might be thinking that compared to what I've been through already in this life, this is merely a road block. That may be true, but I don't feel as resilliant as I once was. With the experiences I've had in my youth, one might think I would be totally untrusting by nature. I've been cautious, that' for certain....but I can easily say that what I feel right now is bleeding every ounce of energy and concepts of trust out of my very being. I feel consumed, eaten alive.
The main challenge I forsee is avoiding becoming a completely cynical and mistrusting indivdiaul with a jaded view of the world and the people in it. And learning how to protect myself and love again at the same time.
sigh.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Finally Friday Came...
This day finally came and let me tell you, it's none to soon! This week has been horrid, horrid, horrid. I've had bad weeks, I mean....bad bad BAD weeks. But this week the pummeling came down on me with all the fury of Zeus himself. The only reason I am in a half way decent mood at all today is b/c Max will be home in 4 hours and Crystal & Dane have agreed to loan me money to buy groceries so that Max will have a normal house to come home too, or at least the appearance of such. I can't wait to see him. I'm going to make him his favorite (burritos) and hear all about his trip. I am then going to snuggle him and let him hug me back b/c I need a good hug from my baby. Then we will sleep and have the air conditioning on all weekend b/c it's going to be like a bazillion degrees this weekend.
And pray. I'll be doing a lot of praying.
Crystal & Dane, thank you so much for all of your help. I know Mary & Howard are so thankful that I have such a great support system. Paula, Kristen, my Aunties....you guys, everyone has been really really great in helping me to not feel so freaked out and alone in this. The bills will get paid, my heart will heal and Max will have burritos for dinner.
love to you all!
Thanks to my Aunt Marcy too for the check she sent, it was the perfect amount to put gas in my car, feed me dinner for 2 nights and pay for Max's unacompanied minor fee! YOU ROCK!
And pray. I'll be doing a lot of praying.
Crystal & Dane, thank you so much for all of your help. I know Mary & Howard are so thankful that I have such a great support system. Paula, Kristen, my Aunties....you guys, everyone has been really really great in helping me to not feel so freaked out and alone in this. The bills will get paid, my heart will heal and Max will have burritos for dinner.
love to you all!
Thanks to my Aunt Marcy too for the check she sent, it was the perfect amount to put gas in my car, feed me dinner for 2 nights and pay for Max's unacompanied minor fee! YOU ROCK!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
It's A Real Thing!
My body is doing weird things from the stress, besides the normal distraction, inability to sleep or too much sleep, general nervousness and some pretty near full on panic attacks......my throat keeps acting like it's going to close up on me and hurts and it's really got to be the strangest things ever.
I, hereby solemnly vow, from this point on too diligently work to keep myself out of harms way in all manners, shapes and sizes. This includes poor choices in jobs, men, financial decisions and food/drink. KISS baby, all the way for me. Keep It Simple Stupid! The extent of stress in my life recently is totally avoidable and that starts with me, so whoooppppeeeee I am officially on the No Drama Train and that will be boarding as soon as I can possibly catch up to it.
TOOT TOOT
No, no no more....Drama...CHUG CHUGGGA CHUGAAA CHOOO CHOOO
Song of the day: Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Word sister!
I, hereby solemnly vow, from this point on too diligently work to keep myself out of harms way in all manners, shapes and sizes. This includes poor choices in jobs, men, financial decisions and food/drink. KISS baby, all the way for me. Keep It Simple Stupid! The extent of stress in my life recently is totally avoidable and that starts with me, so whoooppppeeeee I am officially on the No Drama Train and that will be boarding as soon as I can possibly catch up to it.
TOOT TOOT
No, no no more....Drama...CHUG CHUGGGA CHUGAAA CHOOO CHOOO
Song of the day: Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Word sister!
Max Comes Home Tomorrow!
I can't wait, I miss him soooo much! I am ready for some normalcy again, some thing that feels less like chaos and more like comfort. I can't wait to hear all of Max's new stories and things he'll want to share with me, it's exciting. Plus, I know Kasha and Pumpkin will be happy to see him also.
Not much else to say, things are the same as yesterday...but today I woke up breathing, the sun came up and I didn't cry all morning, so that's a good start. I'm more than ready for a little stability in all regards. Looking for some extra work, I have to do something. Considering Starbucks on the weekends.
Mostly though, I just need to focus at work, go home and wrap up the remaining items I wanted to get done before Max comes home and get a good nights rest. It's been hot, no one is sleeping at my house again so that's a lot of fun. Tonight, will be better...for sure!
Not much else to say, things are the same as yesterday...but today I woke up breathing, the sun came up and I didn't cry all morning, so that's a good start. I'm more than ready for a little stability in all regards. Looking for some extra work, I have to do something. Considering Starbucks on the weekends.
Mostly though, I just need to focus at work, go home and wrap up the remaining items I wanted to get done before Max comes home and get a good nights rest. It's been hot, no one is sleeping at my house again so that's a lot of fun. Tonight, will be better...for sure!
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