Celebrating The 4th

Tuesday Night:
C came over to pick a lens and ended up taking me to dinner for a quick bite to eat on him, it was a nice gesture...but awkward. He's a funny bird some days and I've given up trying to understand him and just let things be what they are. I think he feels some need to check in on me, to try and 'take care of me' in some manner from a distance. *shrugs* We discussed finances, the house and life, we talk about how things are working out for both of us. We go longer periods without speaking but we still must talk regularly due to our current financial connections. And the house is still pretty full of his stuff, in the basement anyways. I tell him how I'm worried, worried about the motorcycle payment and making sure the mortgage is getting paid on time. I explained that I feel pretty raw in terms of the financial outcomes of this situation. He tells me that life isn't easy for him either right now and that it's been hard on him too. I know that's true. I bit my tongue though, I didn't bring up the number of comments I could've made at that moment, but I'm sure the look on my face made my point evident. It is what it is, that's what he keeps saying. Ha...that's one way of looking at it I guess.

After dinner, Matt & Helen came over and we had a great time. It's been months since I've seen them both, long over due if you ask me! Matt blew some stuff up across the street and took Kasha for a walk, which I know she greatly appreciated. They are getting their own place together! WOOOP WOOOP. That's so great, congratulations guys. It's helluva deal, jeesh. Nice place for a great price, can't beat that! Good luck, can't wait to see the outcome!

Wednesday:
Slept in a bit, watched some TV, napped, ate yummy things and tried to stay cool. The heat has been getting to me a bit lately, it's better today though. Manageable at least. Kasha spent the evening whining, shaking, barking, crying and otherwise being pitiful due the kids up and down the street blowing stuff up. I am a definite fan of fireworks, the big pretty ones...not so much all the noise and fire aspect of it all. It really does feel a little overwhelming, I don't blame Kasha. It is a little much if you ask me. I'm sleepy today for sure, a restless puppy doesn't make for such a great nights sleep.

All in all, it was a nice day off. Too short, this day off in the middle of the week thing is a little distracting. I'm totally slammed at work today, I see Georgia at 4 and have some cleaning to do at home. Tomorrow night I see Kim for a nice girls night at her place. I'm eager to see her, I've been concerned about her mental/emotional state. Her and her husband are divorcing and it's a tough time. Something in the air it seems b/c everyone I know is either doing really well or really not so well! Ah....

Saturday, we paint! Mary and Howard are coming to help me get the kitchen situated. WOO HOO. I'm excited about that, it's going to make such a huge difference. I can't wait:)

peace out ya'll, have a great day.

In Honor Of Crystal & Dane

May this sacred day be memorable and bright in your mind when you look to it years from now. I love you both so dearly, it is sad that I am not with you today physically, but I am with you in spirit. Congratulations! Your love brings inspiration to many and the vision of you in my mind is a testament of that love. I've never been able to see it any other way!

Live long and prosper friends, be well.

Changed My Header....

I updated the header on my blogg....my Aunt Marcy sent me this quote, the reason for my posting it is probably obvious.

Tonight, I was presented with yet another opportunity to practice patience and tolerance. What I'm learning is that I cannot control how others feel or perceive me, but I can control how I act/react when faced with their opinions/judgements. For one moment, I began getting bristly...ready to give someone an earful. My ego wanted to react and react strongly. I did not. I started too and then I heard the tone in my voice elevate and the pit of my stomach became notted. I remebered that I don't have to defend myself for me to know what is true. I don't have to defence myself to people demanding explanations about unwarraned assumptions. I can no longer feel responsible for how anyone else feels about me, my life style, who I am or the decisions that I make. If I had engaged this person in the debate they were working to chide me in, I would have failed myself by over-reacting and getting defensive. Instead of giving into what they were looking for from me and that was a rise, to some how appease them, to tell them what they wanted to hear and for me to say all the right things to make it ok again. I can't do that any more, I won't do it. I will always be kind, but I do not have to expend my energy anymore trying to get my own back off the wall. I'm working to be the person I want to be, I don't have to provide explanations, especially not when they are demanded in such a negative fashion. Funny what we think others owe us, it can be a deceptive game, friendship, love. I've never understood how that same love that someone will profess for you can turn around and hurt you in a mere second.

I'm sure we all saw it coming...but you can believe this crap with Scooter Libbey? WTF? Where is the freaking outrage? HELLO?! The entire nation just spent how many weeks talking about stoopid Paris Hilton and her short time in jail for being a pretty princess with a drinking problem....EVERYONE had a damn opinion. You couldn't read anything, not even Alternet with out seeing her face. But somehow The Mad Cowboy gets to pardon his little buddy and Libbey just gets off. That's it. No biggy. NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US! Least we know if Rove ever does get indicted, what's waiting for him. Unless GWB goes down too. GARH. Sometimes I feel like a hampster, just running the wheel and watching it all go down around me with no hope. '08 help me help me!

07/02/2007

Friday:
After a rather trying day emotionally for a number of reasons, I spent the evening with Mary and Howard, had a delicious meal (I haven't had real meal in a while it seems like) and a few hours of quiet, comfortable interactive time with just the two of them. I was reluctant to go because going home to my bed to cry and moan and spend the evening feeling pitiful sounded much more appealing. I took a bath, played with Kasha and fed the cats. I felt a little better after that. So I went, and I'm glad I did. Rhy and his g/f invited me out to coffee after downtown but I honestly just couldn't do much more than making it to Mary & Howard's. The fact that I made it all felt like a small miracle, so I thought I ought not push it too hard. I went home, had a brief conversation which C that ended up with him laughing at my attempts to stand up for myself and me feeling really humiliated in the process, but I ignored that and went to bed with Kasha snuggled up next to me and we both slept like there wasn't a care in the world.

Saturday:
Slept in longer than I anticipated and pittered around the house a little before I got my day started. This 'pittering' consisted of sleeping a little more, wandering about my house admiring the quiet and serene nature of my home when it is not boiling over with apathy and discord and eating peanut butter out of the jar for breakfast. I kept stopping by Max's room and trying to figure out if I wanted the door open or shut. He keeps it shut when he's home b/c that is what teenage boys do, they are private and especially don't want squirrelly nosey Mom's all up in their business. But, Max isn't here so I decided to keep it open until he gets home. Besides, Gaia likes his room as the window in this room over looks her vast kingdom in which she has a great many duties and responsibilities such as seeking and destroying moths, surveying the land for any intruders and sampling the various delicates of her land which all of her loyal servants happily provide her.

After showering and some more piddling, I spent the remainder of the daylight hours running errands, visiting with Kristen and her ladies and tidying up my home. Watered the plants, the grass and Kasha. Kasha needs to be watered, it apparently is an important aspect of her growth, otherwise...she rolls in things and smells bad and I'm sort of not into that smelling bad thing. So, she's had several baths recently actually after a unfortunate mishap while on a walk (muddy water, fresh cut grass, you do the math) and whatever it is in the back field that she wants to roll around in.

After all this, Max and I spoke at length and he sounded like he was having a total ball. My grandparents seem to be enjoying him a great deal as well. How fun to be 14 and carefree, it must be a good life. I am happy he's got the opportunities to do so!

I watched the cheesiest movie ever, I always think I'm going to get into chick flicks...and then am so sadly disappointed by the quality that I end up turning it off before I even get through it. Maybe I'm just a little cynical at the moment...I don't know. But, love isn't like what is portrayed in your typical chick movie. Come on! No wonder everyone is so confused with messages like that, can we PLEASE stop propagating the fairy tale bullshit and get real with love is really like? Let's talk about the patience and commitment and two parties who are able to be less selfish then the other when the time is needed and how much energy and time and work goes in to relationships? Anyone ever see "The Story Of Us?" That movie is slightly more realistic I think.

I spoke with my cousin Kenari, good to hear her voice. She's a good girl. Tried to call my aunty MB but I figured she was probably gallivanting about in a forest some where, breathing in the cool moist Washington sea air and observing life in it's infinite pattern of change and glory.

Colleen invited me over, I had thought Matt, Helen and I were getting together but it turned out Helen had a rough week and opted to stay in. Understandable, so I headed over to Colleens and spent the remainder of the evening giggling, laughing and eating. Came home late, slept well again!

Sunday:
Slept in, walked the puppy wuppy before it got to HOT...did I mention it's hot here? I mean wickedly hot, like not safe to be outside kind of hot. I have the AC on at home for the animals today, it's such a waste of money and terribly for the environment so I avoid it. Plus, ours isn't the most efficient. There's a leak somewhere in the piping so it makes it a little less than useful. But, it gets the job done when it's really hell-fire hot.

Watched Sopranos all day, ate more peanut butter, napped. Chance called, which again ended with me in tears and feeling like a fool after all was said and done, but that's the law of this land from what I can tell right now. We all have good and bad days I guess.

I thought about Crystal and Dane a lot this weekend. Feeling joyful for their progress and excited about the details from their trip. And sad that I can't be there right now. It doesn't seem fair to me some days, that all my plans have to be readjusted b/c of this shift in my life...but I guess that's how it works. I thought alot about the various relationships in my life, how things have changed and grown and that the entire direction of my life is pointing toward me living for me at the moment and how gratifying that is. I thought about the sense of sadness that I still feel and disappointment and how it's still there, but is dissipating slowly. I also thought that the pain will fade and I will be me again at some point and Chance will be a memory. I'll be able to know the lesson from this time with him will have been beneficial, we will have both learned something and taken that with us to the next phase. I then cried my eyes out over a wedding scene on The Sopranos and thought it was time for me to put all this love stuff on the back burner for the rest of the day.

Didn't sleep so well Sunday night, too hot. Kasha was restless and making weird noises and Gaia kept mewling for me to get up and turn the water on in her bathroom sink. And then I had to get up and turn it off. She must have a really good laugh at my expense. Freaking brat cat. I keep trying to remove that tiara from her magnificent little head, however she is pretty protective of it so I don't care to risk a swatting and possible blood loss over it. Gaia should watch her back though, Kasha is preparing herself for a fierce battle of who will rule in The House Of Mango's. While Gaia has maintained the coveted tiara for some time, Kasha is gaining points. It's really quite silly, this competition between them. Kasha thinks she is a cat and Gaia KNOWs she's a cat, so I don't get it? Oh well. Pumpkin and I (The House Of Mango's resident bitches) just roll our eyes and sigh. Silly baby tree fruits!

Max Has Landed

Just got off the phone with Mj, he's sitting in the plane on the tarmac in Nashville.

I've been holding my breathe since I saw his plane take of and was strictly forbidden by our faithful little soldier to cry or blubber on him in public and NOT TO WORRY because everything would be fine.

When he called, my heart about jumped out of my throat...I asked him if he was ok, how was the flight, any turbulence...were you nervous? Are you ok? Was everyone nice to you?

"Mom, I had peanuts and sprite. The flight was fine and everything is fine. I have to go, I'll call you later!"

How is it fair that Mom's get to have the heart attacks and kids get to have all the fun? I am sort of breathing now. Sort of.

You've got to wonder how these parents who have to send there kids all over creation to spend time with the other parent must feel. yuck.

BFI Hit Me In The Head!

We all experience moments in life in which we brilliantly realize a profound truth, direction or sense of mindfulness.

Yesterday, I experienced that moment with shinning clarity. I now know what I have to do. I've never known it to be more truthful or more meaningful than at this juncture in my own personal journey. Though I know it's going take dedication, hard work and a sense of willpower I've not been able to maintain before. But it's exciting, it's really exciting and it feels good to know that my spirit will speak to me at the moments in which I need her motivation the most.

Blinding Flash of Inspiration = BFI

BFI smacked me right upside the head last night like a red-headed step child and said...woman! getchyo shit together and live up to the promise this life has to offer you! Stop living for others, this is YOUR time sister. Embrace it with grace and the honor it deserves. Cry those tears, be angry...let yourself go into that place you need to be to heal. Cast aside that which is holding you down. And then....go for it. Go for what you want! Who you want to be!

I humbly concur.

Round N Round She Goes....

This clearly is a great time of change not only for myself, but a great many around me. Consider the following that has occurred or will be occurring within close vicinity during an exceptionally brief period of time:

• Chance has moved out, er...moving out I should say.
  
• Max will be in TN.
  
• My days at work have become increasingly demanding.
  
• Raquel, my nearest and dearest co-worker will be starting a new job at a development firm downtown. It promises to be a lucrative move for her, both financially and professionally and I am over joyed for her on a personal level. She has become a good friend to me and I will miss her, but I know we'll stay in touch. On a professional level, however, I know it has come to a great shock to my team and she has typically been the only other classic ASP developer besides myself on the team. This could end up being an opportunity for me and since I am looking for additional income, I may approach my supervisor about seeing if they can somehow assign me all the classic ASP development and increase my pay to include another 10 hours a week. It sure would help! We'll see, but I am definitely staying alert to the possibilities.
  
• M and her family are experiencing the gambit of change from employment shifts and medical issues, to both kids leaving for college. Big stuff going on there.
  
• Crystal and Dane are getting married (WOOT! WOOT!) and will be here to see me in October. WOOT WOOT! I'm sad I'm missing the wedding though:(
  
• When Mj returns from TN, there will be soccer camps, school registrations and then HIGH SCHOOL. dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Not only Maxter, but Bethany will be starting at the same time. Kristen and I plan to hold one another alot.
  
• And in between all of this, I have many a personal challenge ahead of me and I am looking forward to facing all of them. The great, the annoying and the horrifically neurotic...it's all good in the land of tree fruits!

Should be some good times...this is a summer that will definitely go down in the memory books.

peace
xo
S

Nothing Much...

I'm ok today, sort of not feeling much of anything. Swamped at work, trying to get too much done before Max goes to TN and not having enough energy to deal with it. The depression and stress is still here for sure, I imagine it will be for a while. I am definately not in a good position right now in a number of ways and yeah, I'm sorta pissed right now. I feel like I'm getting a pretty raw deal out of this situation.

What I keep telling myself is that for right now, the mortgage is paid. We have food in the house, there's gas in my car and I have a job. Max is going to have a wonderful summer thanks to Mary & Howard and my grandparents and even though I don't get to go to Mexico now, the solitude will be highly beneficial. That's all I can do right now.

Empty Walls

C moved most of his critical items out this weekend, TV, clothes, art-work, bath needs, etc. He left tonight for his first night at the new condo with T (new roomie.) He stayed most of Friday and last night, last night wasn't bad really. We are both sad, I know...but moping around in such a depressive state is just too overwhelming all the time...so we both sort of made light of things and managed to have an ok night.

I'm sitting here feeling a little overwhelmed, my house is in disorder now b/c of all the moving of things about and this state of 'waiting' we've been in for the last few weeks. The walls are almost totally barren, most of the art work was C's. The house feels a bit quiet and I don't feel as anxious as I have these past few weeks, that's a score.

However, the realization hit me pretty quickly after he walked out the door that I have my hands full with this house. I know NOTHING about handy-work, painting or general household mainteance of any kind. This of course speaks nothing of the financial outcomes, but I will navigate that situation carefully and see where it goes. I also can't really delve into the emotional pieces too deeply. It's not time yet. I've been doing that for weeks, so I've started digesting a lot of that. But, I still feel a sense of betrayel and sort of left in the lurch in a number of ways. And hurt. Hurts like hell sometimes actually. But thinking like that feels pretty worthless to me, it certainly does nothing to address the current issues at hand. I will acknowledge my emotion and let it be what it is. I cannot predict how this will pan out for me in that regard, but the fact remains that no matter what my heart speaks and my mind screams, I've got a full plate in more ways then just worry about how to take care of a leaking pipe.

Tonight though, I will embrace the memories (happy and maybe not so happy) of these past few years and begin my plans for a new life altogether. Cycles of change never end, the more I am confronted with the things that once traumatized me, the more I am able to overcome the fears and feel like I am capable, I am worthy of having the life I want.

It's Official....

Chance found a place, looks pretty nice. Upscale condo's off Speer. Big pool, weight room, club house...all that good stuff. Should make a nice bachelor pad.

The fact that he's found a place and will be moving out sooner, by the end of month at the lastest has it's comforts and I feel ready to start the real mourning of this relationship, healing, regrouping and having some time to myself to absorb these changes. I am very ready for that b/c having him here has been close to unbearable for me.

As predicted, however, I am sad and feel broken. Again. It is sadly, a reminder that I am loosing something that has meant something pretty profound to me. I am being rejected by someone who once claimed to love me so deeply that he would never leave me. I know he believed that then, I know he did. He's not a bad person and there's a part of me....that is still very deeply in love with him and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again now that it is real.

But, no matter how much I cry and feel sad...I know in my heart it's the right thing for both of us ultimately. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, that's how lost I've been in this relationship and that speaks volumes as to the importance of this seperation. I know he feels the same, plus...the bottom line is that he wants his freedom. He's getting it.

This is Jack Johnsons most recent release, which I essentially start to sob every time I hear it. I guess when we go through pain, things reach us. Music is a big one for me. When Carin passed, Sarah M's "I Will Remember You" pretty much broke me in two every time I heard it. This is when that song was brand spanking new and they were just starting to play it on the radio.

Maybe 7 years from now I'll feel the same about this song:
Jack Johnson - Let It Be Sung

Happy Solsitce!

Diamonds On The Inside

Ben Harper - Diamonds On The Inside

Max's lab results came back normal, we are still waiting on results from the radiologist. But so far, this is a good sign.

Life is moving quickly, work is pretty consuming at the moment and between that and getting Max ready for TN I am pretty much spinning around in circles. They are good circles though, I am settling into my own life again, slowly but surely and it feels good. I have days where I feel absolutely nothing, I must admit. Like my body is still allowing me to grieve AND function each day. Luckily those days of feeling absolutely nothing, like a zombie in an unknown body...those days are fewer and the days where my flowers make me smile and Max's hugs make me feel alive and taking Kasha for a walk gives me peace of mind...those days are becoming more frequent.

I will be able to see Georgia on my own for about 6 weeks through the summer and we have discussed what direction our sessions should take. I believe this is going to be a summer of great growth and personal opportunity for self-development. For the first time in what feels like eons, I can just live for myself. The exception of course is my son, but he does not drain me. Do I worry about him? Of course and some days, he does take a lot out of me...but for the summer, life be quiet and I am looking forward to that more than I ever thought possible. I am looking forward to being alone, to living in solitude and having space to just be who I am. Having the freedom to explore this new me, the woman that I was before I met Chance is no longer. I am changed. I am stronger, I am confident, I am capable and I am on the path I believe I am meant to be on. Chance has had something to do with this and I am grateful to him. There was a time when his kindness and seemingly endless ability to understand and love me did exist and for that, I am changed. To know it exists, that is a gift. And while I am still struggling with the hope I once felt for my life with him, the idea that we might marry and live a happy life together, anyone would be pained by the loss of that hope with someone they once loved very deeply and couldn't imagine their life without the other. I am still allowing myself to mourn that loss, but the passing of that life gives me room to breathe life into a new one for myself and my family.

I am ready.

Where it goes now, I'm not really sure...but I know it has a whole lot more to do with healing myself and taking who I am to the next level. Whatever that means.


www.dreamingheart.com

I LOVE THIS STUFF

Ok, soooo....everyone knows I am total peanut butter freak. It ranks extremely high on my favorite foods list. It is delicious, relatively healthy, aesthetically pleasing in numerous ways and super on-the-go friendly.

All of my favorite candy has peanut butter in it, peanut butter fudge, Butterfingers, Peanut Butter MnM's, Reeses Pieces and has anyone ever had that ridiculous Peanut Butter pie thing? It really is just totally sick and wrong how delicious that is. I would even think about men if I could eat that every day!

However, back to peanut butter....it is extremely high in fat and calories and my problem is that 2tablesppons just isn't enough. I could eat that in one mouthful if I was really have a PB-Attack! But...never fear my Dear Sweet Mango!

CHECK THIS OUT

http://www.betternpeanutbutter.com/

It is SO good. And I MEAN DAMN SKIPPY kind of good. The type of good that makes you feel even good...good-der (?) when you are done eating it. And why? B/c it is not only nutritionally balanced and uber low in fat/cals compared to my chunky favorite, but it's about the CLOSEST thing I've eaten to actual peanut butter that I liked ALMOST as much as the real thing.

It is amazing and I just ate my last scoopful on an apple and I feel zero guilt for doing so.

Try it my fellow weight watchers, let me know what you think. It doesn't taste exactly like peanut butter so don't be totally surprised, but pretty close!

Till next time....
Peanut-Butter-Lovin-Tree-Fruit

PS: Now, if this sort of thing could be done with Pizza, Onion Rings, Crab/Cheese WonTons and every other fried, fatty, cheesy thing I'm not supposed to be eating....imagine the possibilities!

Sunday Salutations

It's a sizzling Sunday here in Colorado, almost 95 right now and for any of you that don't know, that's like dessert heat. So, it's hot, extremely arid and pretty windy today. Perfect for fires, thank goodness we've more than average precipitation this past winter and even this spring, so that moisture is on our side.

Max had a doc appointent on Friday afternoon, kidney counts are up pretty high so he's going in for an ultra sound on Monday. Everyone send thoughs and prayers, we'll know more tomorrow.

Friday night was sort of a drag around my house, but it was redeemed later by my neighbor inviting out with him and his sister and her hubby for a few drinks. I had a blast, this family is the sweetest bunch I've met in a while. Both physically attractive and sweet as the dickens, just good people. I LOVE IT when that happens! They came over after for a bit and we hung out a little longer and then it was 3 in the morning and time for everyone to be in bed. Fun night!

So that was fun, yesterday Max and I slept and snuggled and watched movies. Was in bed early. Today, we are escaping the heat and working hard to stay hyrdated by hibernating in our dark and rather cool basement. It's at least 10 degrees cooler down here, if not more...I'll take it.

Funny story.....Kasha has a new 'baby.' Max and I picked out a new squeaky toy for her on Friday night and the moment she started playing with it, it was clear this was to be different then all the other toys. We aren't sure what is going on in that facinating mind of hers, but this toy has captivated her and she essentially treats it like a mother pup would care for her puppy. It is a bright orange dragon, about the size of a month old puppy. Kasha carries it with her everyway, she hides it under the blankets and doesn't like it when people try to take it away or play with it. THIS IS NOT A TOY! That's the look she gives me when I try to play with her with it. She tried to throw in in the bathtub with me just now and it must be treated very gentley, otherwise...the baby might get hurt. I've never seen her be that gentle with anything! So, I've decided it is probably best to give her space and let her have this experience whatever it may be. Chance thought it was a little nuerotic, which is possible...Kasha IS A little nuerotic, but so am I. And that's ok!

I'd better wrap up, Max just went to pull weeds before we get ice cream and maybe watch another movie. I keep thinking about how important it is for me to get more active and pull myself out of this rut of laying around all weekend and sleeping and then I decided that will happen and I am getting stronger every day, I can feel it. Depression has that effect on me, it sucks every single ounce of energy out of me....but I'm feeling more more active by the day, so that is a good indicator that I'm making progress.

Chance stayed at a friends most of the weekend thus far, I think that's been good. He doesn't seem particularly happy at the moment, the little I saw of him this weekend. I can't tell if it's me or if he's just overwhelmed, but his patience is at all time low and I think it's best that we are having time apart as much as possible until we can both regroup.

signing off for now, tired again. Besides, Kasha needs me to hold her baby now, so I can't type and do that at the same time.
xo,
S

06/12/2007

I've been fighting the tears all day today, but after work was the worse. Oncey they start, I can't make them stop until all the big fat drippy ones are gone and just puffy dry eyes remain.

I feel betrayed, hurt and completely spent.

I talked to him briefly today, as he was out at the bar celebrating with his fellow classmates 'getting' through the class. This teacher has really been a challenge I know, so it is warranted. The celebration. But, I heard all these screaming voices...men and women, and Chance. And they are getting a hotel room down town tonight so no one has to drive and I immediately thought to myself, I should be the one celebrating with you. I've been the one supporting you and helping you create this life you've wanted, I've been the one taking care of the house for you and making sure you have food to eat and listen to your stories about how much your teacher bugs you and I've stood by you through so much and wanted to give up a few times and didn't b/c I beleived in you and I just feel....so ANGRY that I am hurting this bad. It's not fair.

I know this is just my ego talking and releasing ones ego is easier said then done. I also know that no one meant to hurt anyone in this scenario, it's just how this thing has worked out.

But it doesn't make it any less painfull. And I am mad at him dammit and I need to let myself feel that or else I'll never work through it.

"Hold on, hold onto yourself...cuz this is gonna hurt like hell." Sarah M.

Mary Jane - Alanis

"Mary Jane" (Jagged Little Pill)

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane...

Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired

I've been sick off an on for months now, I realize now it's most likely underlying stress and bouts of crappy lifestyle choices that have burned my immune system up. I'm sick of it. So done.

Worked from home today and went to the doctor. No bronchitis, no sinus infection though he said....mmm, you rlungs sound a little funny. Huh? What does mean? "Funny." 1,2,3 your out the door, call me if it doesn't clear up in a couple of days. Didn't put me on antibiotics since I don't have a fever. But that doesn't change that I really feel bad, I think coughing takes so much out of you.

So, I am plugging away at work at home today. Doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen (finally, only took me 3 weeks) and mopping in between. Kasha in her 'downstairs house' next to me at my desk. Trying to feel better, wishing I didn't have to drive downtown today 5 pm, but knowing it'll be really good for Max to see Georgia before he goes to TN. I realized today, as I am picking up Chance's clothes and other miscellaneous items that:

a) I won't miss picking up his crap, being unappreciated for all that I do and hearing myself ask umpteen times to pick h up his damn towel.

b) This is stuff we could've worked through some how I think and there are many aspects of who he is and what he means to me that I will miss. But, as time passes and I am able to see him without my love-goggles on (ha, Mary!) I can see that he needs some time on his own and so do I.

I am looking forward to making my home my own, I am nervous about how I'm going to manage the financial obligations, but I will do the best that I can. There ar so many things that need to be done here, like the kitchen seriously needs to be painted. So does the back deck, those two things would make me very happy. But I am not sure I can swing that any time soon. I may have to get a part time job, I'm putting my feelers out. Work of any kind is hard to find in Colorado right now, let alone the 'right' part time job...but I know it's out there.

Until then, I will just hope and pray that nothing serious happens at the house and that I don't get laid off or something. It's going to be VERY tight couple of months, but I think if I stay on budget I can probably save a little for Christmas. The good news is that I'll probably loose some weight:) just kidding.....no body panic, we'll be eating just fine. Even if it is ramen noodles, we will be fine!

Anyway, I should go...I'm listening to Dr. Phil (seriously don't' ask me why) and now my interest is somewhat piqued. They are talking about marriage deal breakers. Huh.

Momma Said...

We've all heard it..."If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." Granted, there are times when a good confrontation is warranted and it is important to roll out the issues on the table, but in certain circumstances, it does nothing but hurt the other person. And what purpose does that serve? Last night, I was given a good dose of exactly what my former amour thinks of me and I suspect today he is wondering why he said those things. Thankfully, I was able to maintain my composure and fairly gracefully indicated that unless he wishes to sour this fairly decent repoire between us during this difficult time, it might be wise to keep bitter comments to ones-self. I have refrained from doing so, I will expect him to do so. However, I am totally shocked at the degree to which I have been underestimated. Truly. And hurt. I never realized I was such a disappointment.

Otherwise, my weekend generally sucked. I was/am sick, spent most of Saturday coughing, sneezing and being miserable. I didn't get to one single social event this weekend that I'd had planned and missed P's visit on Sunday which really was a bummer as I wanted to meet her boys very much. Plus, I just need girl time in general. I missed my hike date w/ Sandy and B's going away party. I didn't get to talk to my GramE on her birthday and my house is in total disarray.

Work should be kicking my ass for the next several weeks and I have a fantastic opportunity to actually go to Mexico after I thought I wasn't going to be able to, but it's still all very complex and confusing b/c Chance has no real clue about what he's doing and when he's doing it I can no longer put my life on hold while he figures out what he wants, that's for sure. I have to find a way to go, it's a good opportunity...one I may not come across again and Crystal and Dane want to make this happen for me b/c they love me and want me there....who can say no to that? I love them, we have 5+ years of history and deep friendship between us....

back to work, life will be nutty these next few weeks. Family: Please be patient with me. Friends: The same.

love you all
xo,
S

I Think I Have Tuberculosis!

I guess that's probably not very funny considering the current controversy here in Denver...but I haven't coughed this hard in years. I look and feel like something out of The Stand. My spirits are relatively high though, which is saying something since my life is way more confusing than need be at the moment.

Peace and clarity and tranquility...take me awaaaaaaaaay. But I know, these next few weeks are going to be imbalanced and probably pretty up and down.

AND with a good dose of NyQuil (or some such intoxicant) I should be ready to ride the night night express tonight and hopefully, that will help me a) sleep b) get better and c) not cough my throat raw so I can eat. I hacked most of last night, so the head hurts from the hacking and the lungs/chest hurt from the constant motion.

poor me. wah. I need a cookie.

At least I have a sense of humor, something I've found more useful as I get older in times of adversity. It keeps me from becoming to bogged down in depressions, which is easy for me to do. Taking myself too seriously is a major flaw of mine.

Till next time my fellow fruits, I bid you a fond farewell and I wish you all well until next time.

Bit Of A Breath

Today, I woke up and didn't feel like a zombie and also didn't feel like my heart was literally in pieces in my stomach. I even giggled on the way to work in my car, listening to my fav morning show on the radio. Last night, I went to bed feeling a little angry at C (he recently got a new phone and took a pic of Kasha with it, I asked to see it and he didn't want to give the phone up...didn't want me looking at the pictures AT ALL....hrm, seemed a bit like a game to me...but he was adamant so I said screw this and went to bed) but as I went to sleep I realized that soon, all this anguish and uncertainty will be over. There will be no more question like "How can I help to make this better?" or "Why doesn't he do x, y or z?" and "What is wrong with me that he doesn't seem to love me like he once did?" That, in and of itself, is a relief.

I don't feel bitter or hateful, I feel sad and appropriately so. I hope I can maintain this. I also don't see my relationship as "over" with Chance, but I don't know what form it will take. That remains to be seen and I really don't have any sort of expectations, I am just comfortable letting it be what it will be. He seems to have a strong need to 'take care of me' through this process, assuring me that he isn't abandoning me and hasn't fallen off the face of the Earth...which is sweet...but I can't help but wonder why it's so important to him. I know Chance cares for me deeply and I will let that be the reason and not speculate any further. Plus, in spite of his almost total lack of emotion during this process (which I never realized how totally cold and harsh he could be until this) I suspect that somewhere, deep down inside...he is disappointed too. And maybe a little sad, I'm not sure. Maybe he's trying to take care of both of us.

I also had some obviously meaningful dreams last night, ones in which Chance was in all of them...but I was in control of the outcomes and maintained my resolve of strength through this phase and into the next of my life.

So, it feels good to have a day where I don't feel broken. It feels good to wake up and not feel like getting out of bed takes more energy then it should. Except, of course, I have come down with some sort of cold or allergy thing going on. Itchy throat...actually, more like burning/raw throat...headache, sniffles a bit. I'm sure it's just a cold and what better time? I'm already beat to shit right now, it makes total sense to me.

I know not every day is going to feel good, I also think when Chance moves out...I will probably break down all over again. I know me, I know how I work...the physical act of him leaving and all of his things being gone will probably make it all real...so I'm not holding my breath on that being a particularly easy time for either of us. But...it gets better, I know that for a fact.

Cheers to each day getting better and my cold taking a hike sooner rather than later.

xo
S