It's Friday folks and I am damn happy for it. Not because I want wish my life away, each moment IS a gift that is for certain. However, this week has been an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster that I'll gladly be happy to move on from. What did I learn? Let's see, shall we:
a) Focusing on breathe outside of meditation is a fantastic stress reliever AND way to center myself. This must be done on a more regular basis, or I just cry for no reason and crying seems to upset the men for some reason.
b) I love yard work! It has essentially become my new vice and I have to tell you, this project has been rewarding in ways I couldn't have imagined. A sanctuary of my own choosing, a sacred spot on the planet in which I can beautify and support life? I think about my yard quite a lot now and it feels really good to have something, not work related, not family related, no related to ANYTHING except loving the earth and myself in the process, wow...what a deal! Plus, Kristen loves this subject so I like to see her get so excited about the whole thing. She's quite cute with it.
c) Max and I can't be friends every day. As much as I'd like for it to be different, it's just the way things are right now. It's his JOB to break away from me and it's my job to stay consistent with the rules/boundaries, whether he likes them or not. It's not easy being such a sensitive person though, I have to tell you that. I don't like feeling like my kid hates me, I don't like it when there is so much tension in our house and I sure don't like seeing him be all over the place like he is. I can't fix everything for him, I've done well in many ways with him and he is loved and that is the bottom line of it all.
d) I really miss eating fish, specifically sushi. It is the ONLY protein I've craved regularly for some time now. I have no desire to eat any other animal product, it mostly just makes me sick anyway, but fish...ooooh, I LOVE fish. I love Mahi Mahi, Ahi Tuna, Snapper, Salmon, Shell Fish of all kinds, and I adore unagi. ADORE IT! I may have to indulge myself a little in some good, fresh fish.
Peace out ya'll! Happy Mothers Day and Happy Friday!
https://civ.moveon.org/momsrisingdvds/?id=10310-5983100-Ftr8Au&t=1
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Naked Juice/Odwalla
So, I'm trying to detox/fast and with my lifestyle it is near impossible to do so in a way that is 100% ideal. Fresh fruit/veggie smoothies made homemade, all organics at home, carefully measured and researched, etc..etc..
There will be a time in my life where I can wake up in the morning, make a smoothie and sit down to enjoy it on my beautiful deck overlooking the ocean. There will be birds overhead, my dog(s) playing on the beach below and Gaia cat perched atop the deck corner amusing herself over the idiotic dogs/humans she tolerates. I will be surrounded by tranquility, exuberance, and love. aaaahhh, that sounds so so SO good.
But for now, I have to take pleasure in my ocean sounds CD, taking Kasha to the park, being swatted by Gaia (in a loving way of course), the occasional hug from the boys and grabbing food on the go that is conducive to this plan I've got started here.
Many other things are falling into place, slowly slowly...but they are, crunching their way toward peace. But food has become my enemy once again, it all started about a month ago when I ate an omelet and since, I've been eating like total crap. Not b/c I don't like FOOD, oh no no...I LOVE food. Too much actually and I generally don't feel well after I eat the foods I've vowed not to eat as a vegan. Some of it is mental, I know that for certain, but some of it is definitely not mental. Especially the dang cheese, I feel like a giant bloated cheese curd at the moment and let me tell you something, it is NOT a good thing.
My goal now is to get back on track, detox for a number of reasons and spend the summer feeling more comfortable in this bod of mine and about the choices I'm making to support what I believe in.
So, back to topic...Naked Juice. And Odwalla. I see these products as two options in helping me get back on track. At least as best as I can at the moment. They are convenient, tasty, readily available and fairly affordable, extremely high in nutrients and both have protein drinks which are a great way to start the day, and I can fit them in when I don't have time to really prepare or eat a good meal during the day, which is most of the time.
Some draw backs: Most of them are pretty high in sugar, it's 'natural' sugar from the fruit/veggie...but still, high in sugar. At least it's not unrefined, processed sugar though. Also, most don't have a lot of fiber. Why? Fruit/veggies are high in fiber usually? Ah well...they strip the hell out of the poor things to squeeze them into those little containers, so unfortunately the fibrous tissues are removed during the juicing process.
Obviously there are drawbacks, but I see many perks so I plan to try this for a week and see how I feel. It's got to be better than I feel today!
There will be a time in my life where I can wake up in the morning, make a smoothie and sit down to enjoy it on my beautiful deck overlooking the ocean. There will be birds overhead, my dog(s) playing on the beach below and Gaia cat perched atop the deck corner amusing herself over the idiotic dogs/humans she tolerates. I will be surrounded by tranquility, exuberance, and love. aaaahhh, that sounds so so SO good.
But for now, I have to take pleasure in my ocean sounds CD, taking Kasha to the park, being swatted by Gaia (in a loving way of course), the occasional hug from the boys and grabbing food on the go that is conducive to this plan I've got started here.
Many other things are falling into place, slowly slowly...but they are, crunching their way toward peace. But food has become my enemy once again, it all started about a month ago when I ate an omelet and since, I've been eating like total crap. Not b/c I don't like FOOD, oh no no...I LOVE food. Too much actually and I generally don't feel well after I eat the foods I've vowed not to eat as a vegan. Some of it is mental, I know that for certain, but some of it is definitely not mental. Especially the dang cheese, I feel like a giant bloated cheese curd at the moment and let me tell you something, it is NOT a good thing.
My goal now is to get back on track, detox for a number of reasons and spend the summer feeling more comfortable in this bod of mine and about the choices I'm making to support what I believe in.
So, back to topic...Naked Juice. And Odwalla. I see these products as two options in helping me get back on track. At least as best as I can at the moment. They are convenient, tasty, readily available and fairly affordable, extremely high in nutrients and both have protein drinks which are a great way to start the day, and I can fit them in when I don't have time to really prepare or eat a good meal during the day, which is most of the time.
Some draw backs: Most of them are pretty high in sugar, it's 'natural' sugar from the fruit/veggie...but still, high in sugar. At least it's not unrefined, processed sugar though. Also, most don't have a lot of fiber. Why? Fruit/veggies are high in fiber usually? Ah well...they strip the hell out of the poor things to squeeze them into those little containers, so unfortunately the fibrous tissues are removed during the juicing process.
Obviously there are drawbacks, but I see many perks so I plan to try this for a week and see how I feel. It's got to be better than I feel today!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
It Ain't Easy Being Green
Last night, through many emails and teary conversations later with Chance, it dawned on me that I've been a might bit unfair with the big man. Not totally now, I mean he does need to figure out how to not neglect the Mango b/c an unhappy Mango is a very sad (and thus uncooperative and likely to burst) Mango. But I did sort of get it that between my emotional state these past several days, my own work/life/mom demands and the fact that my guy is basically MIA these days...I pretty much lost in on Monday. Apologies are in order, but only for the degree to which I lost my self control b/c for all the hype....I do have way too much on my plate and so does Chance and we have to find a sustainable solution.
Consider this:
C's week goes something like this:
Wed - School from 12:30 - 10 PM
M, T, Th & F work 9 - 10 hours to make up for school hours on Wed
Sat/Sun homework which includes photographing various locations, developing film, studying for tests/papers, research etc....
Lately, he's also been having to do homework after work Mon/Tues until 10 or 11 pm
My week goes something like this:
M & W Max has tutoring and soccer
Tuesday we have therapy
Thursday Max has soccer
Games usually on the weekend
In between all this cleaning, cooking, shopping, homework, Max, yard work, bills, house upkeep, etc....etc...dr. appointments etc...OH yeah and work from 7 - 3:30.
This generally leaves us Sunday, maybe....to even SEE each other at this point. Mostly, I see him when he comes to kiss me goodnight when he gets home. Load all this unto a Mango who only has two hands, a 14 year old who wants to test everything and only so much patience to go around and BLAMMMMMMMMMO.
The solution to this issue has not yet presented itself. I am sort of faced with the challenge of accepting that I am responsible for every aspect of our home and all things with no support until Chance is out of school (at least the next 3 years) and basically having an invisible boyfriend, but supporting him in the process and laying the foundation of consistency and comfort so he can pursue his academic goals with the idea in mind that it will then be my turn when Max is out of high school?
Or. Not. Meaning, I can accept this or not. That's the tricky part you see because I don't think C realized how this project of his would take over his life when he got involved, though I did to some extent but kept my mouth shut as much as possible.
Hrm, many things to ponder. The obvious answer to me would be that of course I plan to support Chance, I love him, I am invested in and this is probably the first real, grown up relationship I've had and I am pretty sure that means you sometimes have to take one for the team and support your partner, even when it's hard and not at all convenient. Certainly Chance is worth it and though he can be a selfish weenie boy sometimes, he too is learning that love is not always easy and requires some effort on his part.
However, my own selfish voices say "Why should I?" Essentially, this means that I am putting my ass out on the line for this guy, making his life comfortable while he is out pursuing his dream and you know what that means? I am leaving myself wide open to get burned, hurt or otherwise traumatized. Nope, that doesn't sound like much of a plan.
But it is possible, that Chance isn't going to turn into that guy I've known before. You know, the one who takes everything and leaves you wondering what the hell happened? It is possible that my supporting him through this transition is not only the right thing to do because I am his partner and I would expect the same, but also because ultimately....his education could greatly benefit us both in the long run. Monetary reasons aside, the possibilities involved with this are essentially limitless and when we do have time to talk about this sort of thing, we talk alot about what could happen and where we could go together in this journey have he's out of school.
What I am seeing is that I have some fears here....fears of giving more, fears of doing so and being abandoned, fears of letting myself put myself out for a man (gasp!) and mostly...just making myself so emotionally vulnerable in regards to something that is now, so totally intangible.
Life never, ever ceases to be interesting!
Consider this:
C's week goes something like this:
Wed - School from 12:30 - 10 PM
M, T, Th & F work 9 - 10 hours to make up for school hours on Wed
Sat/Sun homework which includes photographing various locations, developing film, studying for tests/papers, research etc....
Lately, he's also been having to do homework after work Mon/Tues until 10 or 11 pm
My week goes something like this:
M & W Max has tutoring and soccer
Tuesday we have therapy
Thursday Max has soccer
Games usually on the weekend
In between all this cleaning, cooking, shopping, homework, Max, yard work, bills, house upkeep, etc....etc...dr. appointments etc...OH yeah and work from 7 - 3:30.
This generally leaves us Sunday, maybe....to even SEE each other at this point. Mostly, I see him when he comes to kiss me goodnight when he gets home. Load all this unto a Mango who only has two hands, a 14 year old who wants to test everything and only so much patience to go around and BLAMMMMMMMMMO.
The solution to this issue has not yet presented itself. I am sort of faced with the challenge of accepting that I am responsible for every aspect of our home and all things with no support until Chance is out of school (at least the next 3 years) and basically having an invisible boyfriend, but supporting him in the process and laying the foundation of consistency and comfort so he can pursue his academic goals with the idea in mind that it will then be my turn when Max is out of high school?
Or. Not. Meaning, I can accept this or not. That's the tricky part you see because I don't think C realized how this project of his would take over his life when he got involved, though I did to some extent but kept my mouth shut as much as possible.
Hrm, many things to ponder. The obvious answer to me would be that of course I plan to support Chance, I love him, I am invested in and this is probably the first real, grown up relationship I've had and I am pretty sure that means you sometimes have to take one for the team and support your partner, even when it's hard and not at all convenient. Certainly Chance is worth it and though he can be a selfish weenie boy sometimes, he too is learning that love is not always easy and requires some effort on his part.
However, my own selfish voices say "Why should I?" Essentially, this means that I am putting my ass out on the line for this guy, making his life comfortable while he is out pursuing his dream and you know what that means? I am leaving myself wide open to get burned, hurt or otherwise traumatized. Nope, that doesn't sound like much of a plan.
But it is possible, that Chance isn't going to turn into that guy I've known before. You know, the one who takes everything and leaves you wondering what the hell happened? It is possible that my supporting him through this transition is not only the right thing to do because I am his partner and I would expect the same, but also because ultimately....his education could greatly benefit us both in the long run. Monetary reasons aside, the possibilities involved with this are essentially limitless and when we do have time to talk about this sort of thing, we talk alot about what could happen and where we could go together in this journey have he's out of school.
What I am seeing is that I have some fears here....fears of giving more, fears of doing so and being abandoned, fears of letting myself put myself out for a man (gasp!) and mostly...just making myself so emotionally vulnerable in regards to something that is now, so totally intangible.
Life never, ever ceases to be interesting!
Detox
I have a mini detox planned for the next 5 days. I cannot afford to purchase additional food items to support me in this process, so I will have to use what I already have on hand. The plan is pretty simple, 3 - 5 liters of filtered water each day, no sugars/unrefined carbs, tons of colorful fruits/veggies, alot of rest, no alcohol, meditation and exercise each day, and 3 cups of detox tea each day.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week, I've been a wreck and I'm tired of feeling so poorly. My eating habits have digressed sadly to an equally poor state and I am absolutely certain after spending 3 + months as a devoted vegan that if I had any doubts before about the correlation between how one eats and how one feels, I have no doubts now.
Send healing, warm and positive energies my way and remember...garbage in, garbage out...
My emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week, I've been a wreck and I'm tired of feeling so poorly. My eating habits have digressed sadly to an equally poor state and I am absolutely certain after spending 3 + months as a devoted vegan that if I had any doubts before about the correlation between how one eats and how one feels, I have no doubts now.
Send healing, warm and positive energies my way and remember...garbage in, garbage out...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
In Honor Of....
The following (sent to me by whom else but Matty) is honor of all the crazy nights I've spent with my friends during those roaring 20's and the fond and memorable events those evenings created. Things I wish I had said are in bold:
>> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Innovative
>> 2. Preliminary
>> 3. Proliferation
>> 4. Cinnamon
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Specificity
>> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
>> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>> 4. Transubstantiate
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>> 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
>> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>> 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
>> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>> 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
>> 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
>> 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
>> have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
>> 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
>> street.
>> 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
>> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Innovative
>> 2. Preliminary
>> 3. Proliferation
>> 4. Cinnamon
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Specificity
>> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
>> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>> 4. Transubstantiate
>>
>> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>> 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
>> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>> 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
>> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>> 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
>> 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
>> 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
>> have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
>> 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
>> street.
>> 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Too Tired...
I'm too tired to post what I want to post in detail, but I do want to clarify that my post from yesterday was very emotional and I was definitely not in a good place when I wrote it. I DO love my family, I adore my home and I *think* we are continuing to grow.
There are some things that could be a lot better, that's for sure. Max could straighten up a little and stop making these choices that seem to stem from no where, Chance could perhaps take a little more time to make me feel like I am worth something to him and I, I could probably stop taking everything so personally and falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I could also probably do a lot more to care for myself and expect others to do it for me, because we all know that's not how it works when you are a mom/partner.
It is possible that my bottom line is just this: Sometimes I want someone to take care of me.
Sometimes I don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of it without so much as a thank you. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to do something nice for me and make an effort to let me know I am important to him. Sometimes I want my son to just clean his room without fighting me over it every single time. Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I want to be loved.
With so much going on in the world, I feel like our unit needs to be tight and have each others backs. Life is too short for all this nonsense, people not respecting each other and giving to one another, following up with their obligations and taking advantage of one another. It's just not cool.
I think happiness and success is possible, but I'm not sure what needs to happen next to make it so that everyone is happy, feeling fulfilled and thriving in our current situation. As it stands now, I am feeling a little puny and fragile about the whole thing and that is not a very comfortable place for me to be. My 'girl-power' fuel is at a dangerous low. Refuel is desperately needed.
In the interim, I feel like I have to be the model for loving and respecting one another and at least I can start there. I'm not always good at it either, but I try.
Max is a great kid and he means the world to me, he's going to screw up sometimes and I can deal with and I am allowed to feel disappointed with him about it. How else will he learn that his actions affect others? But he knows I love him, no matter what.
Chance has so many unique qualities, all of which I greatly respect and appreciate. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us know exactly what we are doing here and neither of us knows how to share very well. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel about the things that aren't working for me and it's ok for me to voice them to him (he certainly does!) what he does with them from their are his choices.
Sometimes I just get tired, emotionally spent from the whole thing.
I also feel like I could use a good nap. Where is my pillow and blankie....
There are some things that could be a lot better, that's for sure. Max could straighten up a little and stop making these choices that seem to stem from no where, Chance could perhaps take a little more time to make me feel like I am worth something to him and I, I could probably stop taking everything so personally and falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I could also probably do a lot more to care for myself and expect others to do it for me, because we all know that's not how it works when you are a mom/partner.
It is possible that my bottom line is just this: Sometimes I want someone to take care of me.
Sometimes I don't want to have to make all the decisions. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of it without so much as a thank you. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to do something nice for me and make an effort to let me know I am important to him. Sometimes I want my son to just clean his room without fighting me over it every single time. Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I want to be loved.
With so much going on in the world, I feel like our unit needs to be tight and have each others backs. Life is too short for all this nonsense, people not respecting each other and giving to one another, following up with their obligations and taking advantage of one another. It's just not cool.
I think happiness and success is possible, but I'm not sure what needs to happen next to make it so that everyone is happy, feeling fulfilled and thriving in our current situation. As it stands now, I am feeling a little puny and fragile about the whole thing and that is not a very comfortable place for me to be. My 'girl-power' fuel is at a dangerous low. Refuel is desperately needed.
In the interim, I feel like I have to be the model for loving and respecting one another and at least I can start there. I'm not always good at it either, but I try.
Max is a great kid and he means the world to me, he's going to screw up sometimes and I can deal with and I am allowed to feel disappointed with him about it. How else will he learn that his actions affect others? But he knows I love him, no matter what.
Chance has so many unique qualities, all of which I greatly respect and appreciate. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us know exactly what we are doing here and neither of us knows how to share very well. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel about the things that aren't working for me and it's ok for me to voice them to him (he certainly does!) what he does with them from their are his choices.
Sometimes I just get tired, emotionally spent from the whole thing.
I also feel like I could use a good nap. Where is my pillow and blankie....
Monday, May 07, 2007
When It's Hard Not To Feel Dissapointement.....
He promised the lawn would get mowed this weekend so I could plant my flowers. I've been asking for 3 weeks. I thought it was getting done Saturday, I even heard him and Max out there starting it up and making sure everything worked. But then he dissapeared with Andy and came home and cooked up a mess in the kitchen the size of Alaska. Every dish, piece of silverware and glass was used. Every surface, including the floor, was totally covered in something. It took me until today to get it cleaned up totally.
Sunday, suddenly the fact that we had to drive to Fort Collins for Max's soccer game (that he promised to come to and take pictures) was 'not something I told him' and he insisted that I did not explain this to him advance and he definately could not attend because he had to go to school to do homework. Because he didn't go on Saturday.
I took the day off today, called up Kristen and we worked on the yard ourselves. I had called him at lunch because I couldn't figure the lawn mower out (there are several tempermental aspects to the hand me down lawn mower we have, it works just fine, you just have to know how thump it in the right spot) and he offered to come home and mow the lawn at lunch. I thought, wow, that's sweet! Cool. Apparently I misunderstood, I seem to do that a lot. One of us does, that's for sure. He left in a huff, I sat and cried. Feeling abandoned and really hurt because I feel really left in the lurch with the house and all the things we are supposed to be doing 'together' and then, I just got pissed. What would 'Single Sarah' do? She wouldn't sit around and wait for a man to help her, that's for damn sure.
Kristen showed up, saw that I was upset and gave me a little friendly pep talk and a gentle kick in the butt. I wiped my eyes, brushed it off and had the best afternoon I've had in along time. Kristen is the only friend I have in the world that would devote herself, her time and her energy to helping me with something that I should know how to do and should seem simple, but I just couldn't seem to get there on my own. She would and will and does do this without making me feel like an ass and she basically saved me this afternoon. Those kind of friends do not come along often in a lifetime, that is for certain.
My yard looks beautiful, I have so many idea's and now that I can see the therapuetic value of being so close to earth in this way and see the fruits of my efforts, I know it will become a passion. Thank you Kristen, quite honestly, you are one of the only people who has never let me down. I love you for that, but mostly I love you because you are you.
As we worked on the yard, Max called and informed me that he was at Ms. Barry's working on Language Arts. You see, Ms. Barry has offered to tutor Max on Monday's after school from 2 - 3 PM. For free. On her own time. And Max has agreed to go every week for the remainder of the year.
When Max called today, a conversation ensued that instantly led me to believe that our man was lying to his Momma. Didn't take long for me to dig out the truth. Instead of going to tutoring, he's been hanging out with a bunch of other kids over at his friends house for an hour and pretending he's been going to tutoring. I soon realized that Max has been pulling this for about 3 weeks now and lying, ever so sweetly, right to my face. Kids do this, it is a test. But I am really dissapointed in him. I really thought he was making some progress and I see that he has made some choices (not only this one unfortunately) recently that are indicating that Max's direction is not exactly as on target as he is leading others to believe. I am dissapointed that he lied to me, so boldly and had a little story and everything all made up. Lying is one of my biggest pet peaves in life, especially if it is premeditated. I am dissapointed in him for pulling a guilt trip on me when I called him out on what he'd done and making ME feel like the bad guy, I'm dissapointed that he never ever mutters an apology or seems to show much remorse when he does these things. I am dissapointed that he seems so comfortable with deceit. I told him these things too, not to make him feel bad but because it is the truth. This child is constantly begging for me freedom, but he pulls these things and then I must withdraw his freedoms even more.
I really get tired of being the bad guy.
I am cast as 'unsupportive' when I ask for help because, I just can't do it all by myself and he's got school and work and a motorcycle now. I'm sitting there going...hrm, ok. Well, that's great...but this, this 'thing' we are doing, it requires your presence, energy, patience and devotion. My needs, wants and desires seem to have little bearing on anything. I am learning quickly that I can do all of this myself and I've been fairly successfull in doing so in the past and I'm not afraid...but I guess I'd just hoped for more. I am sad that I feel this way about him today, disapointed, let down....like I am sacrificing and giving and loving and it's going no where. That sure can make a girl feel worthless and miserable and I promised myself a man would never make me feel that way again.
Perhaps I expect to much, I don't know. I feel pretty deserving of honesty, that's for sure and I definately don't think it's entirely fair for me to manage the entire house, in all ways on my own with little to no assistance at all just because Chance is in school. I pretty much feel totally on my own in all ways at this point, except he does live here and makes more messes for me to clean up. Other than that, I don't feel much like a couple lately. But what I do know for sure is that at this point, for this very moment...the two men I adore have really bottomed out my list and I don't feel bad for saying so.
What does one do when they feel dissapointed? I'm not into moping or pouting, it just makes me depressed and irritable and it's not particularly pro active. My words seldom have much effect on either of them unfortunately, I express myself quite a lot and I'm thinking they've reached the point of tuning me out completely, which of course infuriates me. Confrontation on issues in this house go one of two ways a) The confrontee becomes smug and complacent and says things like "Sure" or "Whatever." b) The confrontee becomes overly aggressive and attacks, pulls guilt trips or attempts to evade the topic all together.
We are such healthy communicators here and this isn't just the guys, I have my moments I assure you. Though, I am into talking things out...I really just can't handle it any other way because communicating is a strength of mine and I essentially expect it from the people in my life, I expect at the very least that we sit and try to talk about it...I think they'd be happy just pretending like everything is fine and dandy until the cows came home. As long as I'm not the one making waves and talking openly about what I see, everything is just fine.
This stuff may seem petty to an outsider, however, it grates on ones nerves eventually to be taken advantage of, lied to and disrespected. I also don't leave things sitting under the surface just because that is easier. Not for very long at least.
What I can't figure out is what I've done to let either one of them think it is ok to act like this toward me? All I can think of is that I'm just too 'nice' and I'm not always that nice.
That and maybe it's just not personal. I find alot of males to be extremelely self-serving, selfish, inconsiderate and totally incapable of seeing much outside of their initial satisfaction. (In a perfect world, I wouldn't be saying this based on gender...but I can't help it, I'm sorry. I see it with a large majority of families in my life, with only a few exceptions.) It's very possible that I've some how messed up and let my boys think it's ok to act like that in my home.
I've recently realized that I can be a pretty accomodating person, I like giving to people and making them happy. I like taking care of the people I love. I'd do more if I could, but I only have two hands. If nothing else, by the very fact that if something isn't getting done...I'll just do it b/c I don't have the energy, patience or time to sit around and wait for others. I get it that I probably don't make the guys accountable enough and that's probably why they take advantage of me. But I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I have to tell you.
I do not want a life time of serving people who cannot, or will not, appreciate me. I just can't do it. It's not what I came here to do. I didn't come here to SERVE anyone, I came here to love and be loved and try to do something in this life time that means something.
ARGH
I think I'll just go play with the worms in my garden and pitch a tent in my grass and let the boys get their heads out of their asses. Then we can talk.
Sunday, suddenly the fact that we had to drive to Fort Collins for Max's soccer game (that he promised to come to and take pictures) was 'not something I told him' and he insisted that I did not explain this to him advance and he definately could not attend because he had to go to school to do homework. Because he didn't go on Saturday.
I took the day off today, called up Kristen and we worked on the yard ourselves. I had called him at lunch because I couldn't figure the lawn mower out (there are several tempermental aspects to the hand me down lawn mower we have, it works just fine, you just have to know how thump it in the right spot) and he offered to come home and mow the lawn at lunch. I thought, wow, that's sweet! Cool. Apparently I misunderstood, I seem to do that a lot. One of us does, that's for sure. He left in a huff, I sat and cried. Feeling abandoned and really hurt because I feel really left in the lurch with the house and all the things we are supposed to be doing 'together' and then, I just got pissed. What would 'Single Sarah' do? She wouldn't sit around and wait for a man to help her, that's for damn sure.
Kristen showed up, saw that I was upset and gave me a little friendly pep talk and a gentle kick in the butt. I wiped my eyes, brushed it off and had the best afternoon I've had in along time. Kristen is the only friend I have in the world that would devote herself, her time and her energy to helping me with something that I should know how to do and should seem simple, but I just couldn't seem to get there on my own. She would and will and does do this without making me feel like an ass and she basically saved me this afternoon. Those kind of friends do not come along often in a lifetime, that is for certain.
My yard looks beautiful, I have so many idea's and now that I can see the therapuetic value of being so close to earth in this way and see the fruits of my efforts, I know it will become a passion. Thank you Kristen, quite honestly, you are one of the only people who has never let me down. I love you for that, but mostly I love you because you are you.
As we worked on the yard, Max called and informed me that he was at Ms. Barry's working on Language Arts. You see, Ms. Barry has offered to tutor Max on Monday's after school from 2 - 3 PM. For free. On her own time. And Max has agreed to go every week for the remainder of the year.
When Max called today, a conversation ensued that instantly led me to believe that our man was lying to his Momma. Didn't take long for me to dig out the truth. Instead of going to tutoring, he's been hanging out with a bunch of other kids over at his friends house for an hour and pretending he's been going to tutoring. I soon realized that Max has been pulling this for about 3 weeks now and lying, ever so sweetly, right to my face. Kids do this, it is a test. But I am really dissapointed in him. I really thought he was making some progress and I see that he has made some choices (not only this one unfortunately) recently that are indicating that Max's direction is not exactly as on target as he is leading others to believe. I am dissapointed that he lied to me, so boldly and had a little story and everything all made up. Lying is one of my biggest pet peaves in life, especially if it is premeditated. I am dissapointed in him for pulling a guilt trip on me when I called him out on what he'd done and making ME feel like the bad guy, I'm dissapointed that he never ever mutters an apology or seems to show much remorse when he does these things. I am dissapointed that he seems so comfortable with deceit. I told him these things too, not to make him feel bad but because it is the truth. This child is constantly begging for me freedom, but he pulls these things and then I must withdraw his freedoms even more.
I really get tired of being the bad guy.
I am cast as 'unsupportive' when I ask for help because, I just can't do it all by myself and he's got school and work and a motorcycle now. I'm sitting there going...hrm, ok. Well, that's great...but this, this 'thing' we are doing, it requires your presence, energy, patience and devotion. My needs, wants and desires seem to have little bearing on anything. I am learning quickly that I can do all of this myself and I've been fairly successfull in doing so in the past and I'm not afraid...but I guess I'd just hoped for more. I am sad that I feel this way about him today, disapointed, let down....like I am sacrificing and giving and loving and it's going no where. That sure can make a girl feel worthless and miserable and I promised myself a man would never make me feel that way again.
Perhaps I expect to much, I don't know. I feel pretty deserving of honesty, that's for sure and I definately don't think it's entirely fair for me to manage the entire house, in all ways on my own with little to no assistance at all just because Chance is in school. I pretty much feel totally on my own in all ways at this point, except he does live here and makes more messes for me to clean up. Other than that, I don't feel much like a couple lately. But what I do know for sure is that at this point, for this very moment...the two men I adore have really bottomed out my list and I don't feel bad for saying so.
What does one do when they feel dissapointed? I'm not into moping or pouting, it just makes me depressed and irritable and it's not particularly pro active. My words seldom have much effect on either of them unfortunately, I express myself quite a lot and I'm thinking they've reached the point of tuning me out completely, which of course infuriates me. Confrontation on issues in this house go one of two ways a) The confrontee becomes smug and complacent and says things like "Sure" or "Whatever." b) The confrontee becomes overly aggressive and attacks, pulls guilt trips or attempts to evade the topic all together.
We are such healthy communicators here and this isn't just the guys, I have my moments I assure you. Though, I am into talking things out...I really just can't handle it any other way because communicating is a strength of mine and I essentially expect it from the people in my life, I expect at the very least that we sit and try to talk about it...I think they'd be happy just pretending like everything is fine and dandy until the cows came home. As long as I'm not the one making waves and talking openly about what I see, everything is just fine.
This stuff may seem petty to an outsider, however, it grates on ones nerves eventually to be taken advantage of, lied to and disrespected. I also don't leave things sitting under the surface just because that is easier. Not for very long at least.
What I can't figure out is what I've done to let either one of them think it is ok to act like this toward me? All I can think of is that I'm just too 'nice' and I'm not always that nice.
That and maybe it's just not personal. I find alot of males to be extremelely self-serving, selfish, inconsiderate and totally incapable of seeing much outside of their initial satisfaction. (In a perfect world, I wouldn't be saying this based on gender...but I can't help it, I'm sorry. I see it with a large majority of families in my life, with only a few exceptions.) It's very possible that I've some how messed up and let my boys think it's ok to act like that in my home.
I've recently realized that I can be a pretty accomodating person, I like giving to people and making them happy. I like taking care of the people I love. I'd do more if I could, but I only have two hands. If nothing else, by the very fact that if something isn't getting done...I'll just do it b/c I don't have the energy, patience or time to sit around and wait for others. I get it that I probably don't make the guys accountable enough and that's probably why they take advantage of me. But I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I have to tell you.
I do not want a life time of serving people who cannot, or will not, appreciate me. I just can't do it. It's not what I came here to do. I didn't come here to SERVE anyone, I came here to love and be loved and try to do something in this life time that means something.
ARGH
I think I'll just go play with the worms in my garden and pitch a tent in my grass and let the boys get their heads out of their asses. Then we can talk.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Sunny Saturdays
It's gorgeous outside! You might wonder why I am sitting at my computer when it is so beautiful out, but I am mostly biding my time until C gets done mowing the lawn. He's so good:)
Kristen and I went flower shopping yesterday and we are going to plant after C is done, then...my yard will be colorful and trimmed and happy. I LOVE IT. I love having my own house to do this sort of thing with, we are so blessed.
Max is out riding his bike, being a happy kid.
It's a good day.
BTW: Gaia cat has developed a new behavior. The back ground of the issue is this: Gaia was one a street kitty and thus, she is pretty finicky (sp?) about her food and water sources. We all know she is a sink cat, but she also has this notion that if her food is in her food bowl too long (say a day) then it is no longer acceptable for consumption. Ok...so, twice a day I give her a handful of food. If she hasn't eaten it from the morning, I stick my hand in the bag and pretend like I'm giving her a whole new handful. That trick worked a few times...but she's hip to my game. Guess that's what I get for trying to double cross The Great One. Now, if I don't actually give her a handful of fresh food (twice a day, she doesn't even eat that much but she wants me to do it because she wants me to and that's that) she has taken to taking pot shots at me when I pass by her on the stairs. This morning, she literally stuck her paw out on the stair as if to say "You shall not pass until you feed me woman!" I stepped over, she cussed at me and tried to eat my shoe lace.
I'm such a bad human.
:)
Kristen and I went flower shopping yesterday and we are going to plant after C is done, then...my yard will be colorful and trimmed and happy. I LOVE IT. I love having my own house to do this sort of thing with, we are so blessed.
Max is out riding his bike, being a happy kid.
It's a good day.
BTW: Gaia cat has developed a new behavior. The back ground of the issue is this: Gaia was one a street kitty and thus, she is pretty finicky (sp?) about her food and water sources. We all know she is a sink cat, but she also has this notion that if her food is in her food bowl too long (say a day) then it is no longer acceptable for consumption. Ok...so, twice a day I give her a handful of food. If she hasn't eaten it from the morning, I stick my hand in the bag and pretend like I'm giving her a whole new handful. That trick worked a few times...but she's hip to my game. Guess that's what I get for trying to double cross The Great One. Now, if I don't actually give her a handful of fresh food (twice a day, she doesn't even eat that much but she wants me to do it because she wants me to and that's that) she has taken to taking pot shots at me when I pass by her on the stairs. This morning, she literally stuck her paw out on the stair as if to say "You shall not pass until you feed me woman!" I stepped over, she cussed at me and tried to eat my shoe lace.
I'm such a bad human.
:)
Friday, May 04, 2007
I Am Not The Maid
If it spilled, dripped, dropped or made crumblies all over.....
Wipe it up.
If you trip, kick or fall over it.....
Pick it up and put it where it goes.
If it is used to eat or drink out of or from.....
Make an attempt to get it near the KITCHEN sink.
I don't care if it's not your mess.....PICK IT UP!
Do you think I scrub the bathtubs and toilet's after your stinky butts for the sheer joy of it?
It is not necessary to touch every surface as you walk by it....
Your hands are filthy, please keep them to yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, wet towels do not belong on the bed or the floor....
They have a home, in the bathroom where they go to dry and regenerate themselves
for the next time they are used to wipe down your sweaty, dirty bodies.
Recently science has discovered a useful tool devised and utilized by prehistoric man when transporting garments to be washed...
It's called a LAUNDRY BASKET.
When you leave a room....
Turn the light off. We are facing an energy crisis people!
FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET. Please, please....for petesake...flush the toilet.
As an added bonus, you can wash your hands too! Wooopppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The refrigerator is intended to keep foods cool for long term use...
Not as a receptacle for empty cartons or half eaten apples sitting on a shelf.
Everyone has very busy lives, with demanding schedules and daily routines that require everyone to be on task....
You are not the only one and you too, must make the time to contribute to the household.
If something needs to be done....
Don't waste everyone's valuable time complaining or procrastinating, JUST FREAKING DO IT!
Seriously...that's it, JUST DO IT.
Very simple.
And finally....
I am not the maid.
This is a difficult concept for many of you to understand because things just magically 'get done.' Guess what little darlings? How do you think that happens? It certainly is not by osmosis, it is through the extremely dried out and weary hands, back, knees, ankles and wrists of your truly.
I hate to disappoint, but I was NOT put on this planet to spend the entirety of my free time cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping, washing, disinfecting and laundering after you fine fella's. Say it ain't so, I know I know....but I am quite certain I have meaning other than to be on call for you....so suck it up little campers or else big Momma's gonna have a melt down. Please consider the following:
I too, work.
FULL TIME.
I too, have demands outside of work.
FULL TIME.
I play taxicab, banker/ATM machine & accountant, doer and be-er of all things to all people who need me.
I am not a martyr, I'm just not the maid. Millions of women face this same issue and it's total bullshit if you ask me. Sorry, I can't just lie down and pretend like it's ok that our cuture still propegates the idea that men are men and women are handy little bitch-slaves. NO THANKS. This is also not to disrespect the hard working industry that keeps people who can afford it in a clean home. CHEERS TO YOU. But at home, I'm not the maid. sorry!
You can pick up after yourself, you can..I PROMISE! A little effort goes a long way. Please take this under consideration and act accordingly. Otherwise, ye shall see a sharp decline in pleasant and accommodating attitude and an equally sharp INCLINE of 'do it your damn self' and the clear, but undeniable shape of my middle finger. I love you men very much, but let me please let me remind you once more in case your short term memory problems are prohibiting my message from coming through loud and clear....
I AM NOT THE MAID.
Wipe it up.
If you trip, kick or fall over it.....
Pick it up and put it where it goes.
If it is used to eat or drink out of or from.....
Make an attempt to get it near the KITCHEN sink.
I don't care if it's not your mess.....PICK IT UP!
Do you think I scrub the bathtubs and toilet's after your stinky butts for the sheer joy of it?
It is not necessary to touch every surface as you walk by it....
Your hands are filthy, please keep them to yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, wet towels do not belong on the bed or the floor....
They have a home, in the bathroom where they go to dry and regenerate themselves
for the next time they are used to wipe down your sweaty, dirty bodies.
Recently science has discovered a useful tool devised and utilized by prehistoric man when transporting garments to be washed...
It's called a LAUNDRY BASKET.
When you leave a room....
Turn the light off. We are facing an energy crisis people!
FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET. Please, please....for petesake...flush the toilet.
As an added bonus, you can wash your hands too! Wooopppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The refrigerator is intended to keep foods cool for long term use...
Not as a receptacle for empty cartons or half eaten apples sitting on a shelf.
Everyone has very busy lives, with demanding schedules and daily routines that require everyone to be on task....
You are not the only one and you too, must make the time to contribute to the household.
If something needs to be done....
Don't waste everyone's valuable time complaining or procrastinating, JUST FREAKING DO IT!
Seriously...that's it, JUST DO IT.
Very simple.
And finally....
I am not the maid.
This is a difficult concept for many of you to understand because things just magically 'get done.' Guess what little darlings? How do you think that happens? It certainly is not by osmosis, it is through the extremely dried out and weary hands, back, knees, ankles and wrists of your truly.
I hate to disappoint, but I was NOT put on this planet to spend the entirety of my free time cleaning, tidying, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping, washing, disinfecting and laundering after you fine fella's. Say it ain't so, I know I know....but I am quite certain I have meaning other than to be on call for you....so suck it up little campers or else big Momma's gonna have a melt down. Please consider the following:
I too, work.
FULL TIME.
I too, have demands outside of work.
FULL TIME.
I play taxicab, banker/ATM machine & accountant, doer and be-er of all things to all people who need me.
I am not a martyr, I'm just not the maid. Millions of women face this same issue and it's total bullshit if you ask me. Sorry, I can't just lie down and pretend like it's ok that our cuture still propegates the idea that men are men and women are handy little bitch-slaves. NO THANKS. This is also not to disrespect the hard working industry that keeps people who can afford it in a clean home. CHEERS TO YOU. But at home, I'm not the maid. sorry!
You can pick up after yourself, you can..I PROMISE! A little effort goes a long way. Please take this under consideration and act accordingly. Otherwise, ye shall see a sharp decline in pleasant and accommodating attitude and an equally sharp INCLINE of 'do it your damn self' and the clear, but undeniable shape of my middle finger. I love you men very much, but let me please let me remind you once more in case your short term memory problems are prohibiting my message from coming through loud and clear....
I AM NOT THE MAID.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
BURP Oh, Excuse Me!
YUM. I just ate some junk food, kettle chips. A whole bag (only 16 oz., not too bad) went pretty quick. Mmm, salt. Carbs. Salt. Carbs. Mmmmmmm. I wonder if the vending machine has any kettle chips?
Drat. This can only mean one thing! HORMONES! PMS. WOO HOO. This means I get to spend the next couple of days devouring everything in site, crying, feeling overly tired and like everyone hates me, talking to myself in the mirror in an attempt to fend of any impending migraine pain and yet more eating! Hey, at least the eating part isn't so bad. I generally use it as an excuse to eat what I want, because I've earned the right to much out once in a while. It's my consolitation prize dammit!
So life is pretty dandy, I am finally getting some time to work on the yard. Friday afternoon, I have a date with Kristen to go flower shopping and I'm going to get a crash course in "Landscaping 101." I have a vision for my yard and while it may take some time achieve, perhaps even a few years, it's going to be worth it in the end. Plus, C brought me home a sooprize for my garden! It's a fairy, hiding under a mushroom. I love it, so cute. C and I were joking about the falic nature of mushrooms and this fairy seems quite infatuated with her mushroom. I wonder if anyone else will get that vibe from it or if it's just us:)
Darn, no kettle chips in the vending machine. Lots of chocolate and cheetos. Hmmmmmm, chocolate. To bad there's no peanut brittle, they should put peanut brittle in vending machines. Write your congressmen.
Work is busy as ever, except I am playing the waiting game with the client. In this particular case, I will have about 6 weeks to complete 3 projects varying in size from large to working-weekends mode, yet I do not have what i need from the client in order to proceed. They are waiting from their clients...muddled communication stream at best as you can see. Today, I am sitting here bouncing my knee in anticipating of the email that says "Here you go, now get moving woman!" Hurry up and wait. Jump when we say jump and not before! Ha ha, silly clients. What they don't know is that we are slowly, but very surely, preening and grooming these clients to behave like the rest of our companies clients. It will probably take a good year or more to really get them on the same kilter, it's taken them 7 years to become such misbehaved little children, it will take a while to whip that out of them. As much as I'd prefer not to go this route as I despise 'games', what I have learned is that sometimes I just have let them think it was their idea first and take the high road and move on. I'm not known for quality tech support for nothin' ya know!
Weekend is full of soccer games, one both days. Soccer takes up at least half the day, in this case all day on Sunday as we'll be driving to Fort Collins (2 hours or so from where we live) for a 1:30 game.
I have been watching aire fare online, I must say, it's quite cheap to fly if you are going the 'right' place at the 'right' time. Keeping Max's TN flight open ended is going to be expensive, but that's ok. He's worth it and he'll have a great time, I want it to be a comfortable experience for him. I've also been looking at concerts, I'd like to take him to a show this summer...but of course it has to be just the right one or else he'll get freaked.
There have been some wicked thunderstoms this past few days, I love spring rain in Colorado. It's so gorgeous and dramatic. Just my type!
Okkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I guess I'd better try to get some work done before the end of the day. But I am sort of stuck, I think being at home and playing Magic Match with a large bowl of kettle chips would be a much nicer way to spend my afternoon. Except after work we have tutoring and then a make up game at 5:45. Go Avalanche (Max's Soccer Team)
Oh...before I go, there's a great article in The Westword about censorship. Check it out.
Drat. This can only mean one thing! HORMONES! PMS. WOO HOO. This means I get to spend the next couple of days devouring everything in site, crying, feeling overly tired and like everyone hates me, talking to myself in the mirror in an attempt to fend of any impending migraine pain and yet more eating! Hey, at least the eating part isn't so bad. I generally use it as an excuse to eat what I want, because I've earned the right to much out once in a while. It's my consolitation prize dammit!
So life is pretty dandy, I am finally getting some time to work on the yard. Friday afternoon, I have a date with Kristen to go flower shopping and I'm going to get a crash course in "Landscaping 101." I have a vision for my yard and while it may take some time achieve, perhaps even a few years, it's going to be worth it in the end. Plus, C brought me home a sooprize for my garden! It's a fairy, hiding under a mushroom. I love it, so cute. C and I were joking about the falic nature of mushrooms and this fairy seems quite infatuated with her mushroom. I wonder if anyone else will get that vibe from it or if it's just us:)
Darn, no kettle chips in the vending machine. Lots of chocolate and cheetos. Hmmmmmm, chocolate. To bad there's no peanut brittle, they should put peanut brittle in vending machines. Write your congressmen.
Work is busy as ever, except I am playing the waiting game with the client. In this particular case, I will have about 6 weeks to complete 3 projects varying in size from large to working-weekends mode, yet I do not have what i need from the client in order to proceed. They are waiting from their clients...muddled communication stream at best as you can see. Today, I am sitting here bouncing my knee in anticipating of the email that says "Here you go, now get moving woman!" Hurry up and wait. Jump when we say jump and not before! Ha ha, silly clients. What they don't know is that we are slowly, but very surely, preening and grooming these clients to behave like the rest of our companies clients. It will probably take a good year or more to really get them on the same kilter, it's taken them 7 years to become such misbehaved little children, it will take a while to whip that out of them. As much as I'd prefer not to go this route as I despise 'games', what I have learned is that sometimes I just have let them think it was their idea first and take the high road and move on. I'm not known for quality tech support for nothin' ya know!
Weekend is full of soccer games, one both days. Soccer takes up at least half the day, in this case all day on Sunday as we'll be driving to Fort Collins (2 hours or so from where we live) for a 1:30 game.
I have been watching aire fare online, I must say, it's quite cheap to fly if you are going the 'right' place at the 'right' time. Keeping Max's TN flight open ended is going to be expensive, but that's ok. He's worth it and he'll have a great time, I want it to be a comfortable experience for him. I've also been looking at concerts, I'd like to take him to a show this summer...but of course it has to be just the right one or else he'll get freaked.
There have been some wicked thunderstoms this past few days, I love spring rain in Colorado. It's so gorgeous and dramatic. Just my type!
Okkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I guess I'd better try to get some work done before the end of the day. But I am sort of stuck, I think being at home and playing Magic Match with a large bowl of kettle chips would be a much nicer way to spend my afternoon. Except after work we have tutoring and then a make up game at 5:45. Go Avalanche (Max's Soccer Team)
Oh...before I go, there's a great article in The Westword about censorship. Check it out.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
A Sadness....
The title of this blog may be misleading, life is great. Truly, I feel like maybe I've bounced back from a period of difficulty and it feels great. I enjoy the idea that perhaps life continues to bring more upswing and positivity and less downtrodden difficulty. But I will take each day as it graces me for I feel lucky just to be alive today, something I sense I should hold closer to my heart when I am having drama over irrilevant issues.
I learned today that I couple I've been friends with upwards of 8 years is seperating. This couple has experienced many an up and down and recently married, within the past 2 years. Now they are seperating and apparently divorce is inevidable.
This news is incredibley saddening to me, I can't stop thinking about it. I am rather close to them both in different ways and I know my friendship with them as individuals outside of their couple-dom will not cease. But my heart aches with the idea that it's just not working out for them. Through all adversity and obstacle, I thought they would be the ones to make it. If only because they'd only come through some much already. I know it is a painful split for them as well and one is moving out of state, so I think that may help a little where in years past they were not able to have real difinative (sorry no spell checker at the moment) space from one another. But honestly, I have shed tears over this news and it's difficult for me to understand why I am so deeply and profoundly rocked by this information.
I care for them both very much and have known them long enough to know that this is a case of love that is real, but perhaps not meant for this life time or time in each of their respective lives. They are both incredibley strong and I know they will come through this having learned a great deal about themselves, I also know that this may not be the 'end' for them as I've seen it happen off and on now for the entirity of my friendship with them.
Possibely my heart mourns for the very idea that a love I've always seen as a triumphant one, has faltered and leaving it's pariticpants in the dust. It has burst my happy little bubble a little, made me say to myself...this CAN happen to all of us at any moment and while taking each day as it is and being greatful for it, I can't help but feel a bit forlorn about the fact that some of my closest and dearest friends are facing this after all they have been through and all the potential within their future.
I totally respect this decision, I do not want it to come across as if I am somehow laying blame on either of them. I know them both well enough to know this decision has not come easily and only after much thorough thought and meditation on the issue.
But it still makes me sad.
Feeling myself wondering alot about 'love' and how people like my Grandparents who have been married for over 50 years make it that long and then people who you KNOW have an undeniable connection have to leave it after only a few years of marriage.
Don't mean to be a downer....I fully subscribe the idea of fate and that destiny is an actual thing. I do not believe in a single 'soul mate', however, but that there are many we might cross paths with that we find a connection that may last a life time, it may not.
I also know better than to let this totally burst through my own happiness with Chance, I am often easily influenced by the world around me and can let it mold my emotional state. I cannot do that in this particular situation because Chance and I have reached a place that feels very good to me, and even though I don't believe in a single soul mate...I'd say Chance is as close to one as I've ever found in a man and for this, I am happy. I like being happy, I like knowing this man and sharing our lives. I like that life feels good for us. Nothing is perfect, neither are we...nor are we any better from any other couple...we are just us, for now and in this place and that's ok with me.
I will stand and support my friends through this time and I will learn what I can from them. Mostly, and this is my ultimate bottom line, I love them both very very much and will be whatever I can be for them...my own issues aside, what matters to me now is letting them know that they are supported through whatever means are nessisary at this point. Somehow I suspect it will not be any time soon, but after the dust of summer chaos settles and moves have been made...I sense I will have to be strong and hold my faith in love for all things firmly within myself.
I learned today that I couple I've been friends with upwards of 8 years is seperating. This couple has experienced many an up and down and recently married, within the past 2 years. Now they are seperating and apparently divorce is inevidable.
This news is incredibley saddening to me, I can't stop thinking about it. I am rather close to them both in different ways and I know my friendship with them as individuals outside of their couple-dom will not cease. But my heart aches with the idea that it's just not working out for them. Through all adversity and obstacle, I thought they would be the ones to make it. If only because they'd only come through some much already. I know it is a painful split for them as well and one is moving out of state, so I think that may help a little where in years past they were not able to have real difinative (sorry no spell checker at the moment) space from one another. But honestly, I have shed tears over this news and it's difficult for me to understand why I am so deeply and profoundly rocked by this information.
I care for them both very much and have known them long enough to know that this is a case of love that is real, but perhaps not meant for this life time or time in each of their respective lives. They are both incredibley strong and I know they will come through this having learned a great deal about themselves, I also know that this may not be the 'end' for them as I've seen it happen off and on now for the entirity of my friendship with them.
Possibely my heart mourns for the very idea that a love I've always seen as a triumphant one, has faltered and leaving it's pariticpants in the dust. It has burst my happy little bubble a little, made me say to myself...this CAN happen to all of us at any moment and while taking each day as it is and being greatful for it, I can't help but feel a bit forlorn about the fact that some of my closest and dearest friends are facing this after all they have been through and all the potential within their future.
I totally respect this decision, I do not want it to come across as if I am somehow laying blame on either of them. I know them both well enough to know this decision has not come easily and only after much thorough thought and meditation on the issue.
But it still makes me sad.
Feeling myself wondering alot about 'love' and how people like my Grandparents who have been married for over 50 years make it that long and then people who you KNOW have an undeniable connection have to leave it after only a few years of marriage.
Don't mean to be a downer....I fully subscribe the idea of fate and that destiny is an actual thing. I do not believe in a single 'soul mate', however, but that there are many we might cross paths with that we find a connection that may last a life time, it may not.
I also know better than to let this totally burst through my own happiness with Chance, I am often easily influenced by the world around me and can let it mold my emotional state. I cannot do that in this particular situation because Chance and I have reached a place that feels very good to me, and even though I don't believe in a single soul mate...I'd say Chance is as close to one as I've ever found in a man and for this, I am happy. I like being happy, I like knowing this man and sharing our lives. I like that life feels good for us. Nothing is perfect, neither are we...nor are we any better from any other couple...we are just us, for now and in this place and that's ok with me.
I will stand and support my friends through this time and I will learn what I can from them. Mostly, and this is my ultimate bottom line, I love them both very very much and will be whatever I can be for them...my own issues aside, what matters to me now is letting them know that they are supported through whatever means are nessisary at this point. Somehow I suspect it will not be any time soon, but after the dust of summer chaos settles and moves have been made...I sense I will have to be strong and hold my faith in love for all things firmly within myself.
Monday, April 30, 2007
To Be A Fly On That Wall...
Rage Against The Machine and Zack reunited in Coachella CA last night for the first time in 7 years. C and I have been hearing about this for a few months locally, but knew us making it to CA for such an event wouldn't be feasible during this time of year for numerous reasons.
I am saddened that we could not attend, Rage fans are a unique breed and the power of their message (and the music) cannot go unnoticed. Though I am sad we missed it, I am proud of them for putting their differences aside and coming forth to make a statement about the current political situation and I now have hope that the opportunity may present itself again for an actual live show some time in my life time.
Go Zack, you'd betta testify! Those bandmates of yours are rockin' the beat yo! Who knew Bulls On Parade was prophetic?
http://www.nme.com/news/coachella/28013
I am saddened that we could not attend, Rage fans are a unique breed and the power of their message (and the music) cannot go unnoticed. Though I am sad we missed it, I am proud of them for putting their differences aside and coming forth to make a statement about the current political situation and I now have hope that the opportunity may present itself again for an actual live show some time in my life time.
Go Zack, you'd betta testify! Those bandmates of yours are rockin' the beat yo! Who knew Bulls On Parade was prophetic?
http://www.nme.com/news/coachella/28013
~ yawn ~
Friday Night:
Had a lovely visit with Mary, the parkway by her home is so beautiful when the seasons change. I miss her when life makes it difficult for us to get together, I am thinking of making it a Friday afternoon ritual perhaps so we CAN get that time in. She is working now, mostly full days from the sounds of it. Teaching and prepping D for NYU and K for graduate school in PA in the fall. It's all such a big transition at the their house, it all seems to emotional to me but M handles it in stride. Luckily, I am getting some good training on how to handle this same scenario with Max in a few years and if it's anything like what I've seen Mary and her family go through, it goes by quicker than is even remotely fair and at some point your kids are grown ups and life changes in a hurry.
After, C and I went out for a drink and a few moments of couple time and Max went over to his buddies for a few hours. Came home, laid on the couch. C was supposed to meet up with me at the house for movies and bed time (Max had early soccer game Saturday) but he ended up over at a friend of his until late and that was that.
Saturday:
Early rise and shine and off to soccer in Englewood. 4 hours of sleep, woo hoo! Great field, beautiful morning and Max played well. They tied the game, which is better than a loss in my book but Max was still disappointed. He was clearly disappointed, but generally in a good mood. Came home, picked up the house a bit and Max went over to Justin's to help with yard work and hang out with Evan. Chance went to school for the afternoon. I had the whole house to myself. whoa.
I had big plans, but I ended up: napping; taking a bath, doing yoga and snuggling my pets. I then got on the phone with my Aunty MB since I had a few moments of quite time before C got home and chatted with her a bit. It was her Birthday yesterday (Happy Birthday Aunty) so I'm glad I got at least a few minutes in with her.
C got home, I got off the phone and we had a wonderful evening. I can't remember the last time we had that kind of alone time together, we talked and snuggled and laughed and drank wine and it was good. We had some conversations that needed to be had and made some choices together that I feel really good about!
Sunday:
Up bright and early again on very little sleep, shew I'm exhausted on this day! C went on an all day adventure with Andy and I took a nap (again) and watched Evan most of rest of the day while everyone else was out running errands. He's so sweet, except he's overly fascinated by anything I might be drinking and kept sticking his little hand in my water glass. That gets messy real quick. Kasha also came up and snatched one of his graham crackers right out of his hand! That made him cry and then she moped around and made that face like she's being abused and went and hid in the blankets on the couch. He then wanted to 'share' all of his food with her which obviously was a problem so I had to put her outside and then all hell broke loose for a moment (Kasha unhappy about being outside, Evan unhappy about loosing his new friend) which was all easily redirected with a choo choo train and a goofy aunt running up and down the stairs. I then fed the little booger some glazed carrots (yum) and potatoes and he had some chicken left over from one of Max's dinners and next thing you know Mom and Dad are their to pick him up and he's gone again. I like being an Aunty, that's not such a bad gig if you ask me.
Max went out and played with his buddies the rest of the afternoon and I watched "Americas Next Top Model" marathon until C got home. And napped a bit more too. I have recently discovered the power of napping and how 20 mins here and there can make a ginormous difference. Historically, I've not been able to nap or sleep in as soon as the sun comes up...but if conditions are just right, I can nap quite well for short periods of time now.
C came home exhausted from his day trip with Andy and we watched 'The Last King Of Scotland'...well sort of, we mostly just laid there and snuggled. Then it was off to bed.
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
Then I woke up to the alarm and my phone buzzing off the night table
~ yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn ~
It was a great weekend though I didn't get much done around the house as planned, the yard is in dire need of attention. I have some major weeding to do, the lawn needs to be mowed and the back patio is in desperate need of a good cleaning/sweeping. All of these things may have needed to be done, but I think I got exactly what I needed to have done and that was spending time doing what I wanted to do for me.
Non-Work Related Goals for this week:
a) Sleep each night at least 7 hours
b) Yard work
c) House work
d) Grocery shopping
e) Half hour - hour of yoga 3 nights
f) Get Max's bike to the shop
g) Further research online free university
h) Get budget in order for next 3 months and plan to purchase airline tickets (Mexico, TN)
Happy Monday All!
Song of the day:
Norah Jones - Be Here To Love me
Had a lovely visit with Mary, the parkway by her home is so beautiful when the seasons change. I miss her when life makes it difficult for us to get together, I am thinking of making it a Friday afternoon ritual perhaps so we CAN get that time in. She is working now, mostly full days from the sounds of it. Teaching and prepping D for NYU and K for graduate school in PA in the fall. It's all such a big transition at the their house, it all seems to emotional to me but M handles it in stride. Luckily, I am getting some good training on how to handle this same scenario with Max in a few years and if it's anything like what I've seen Mary and her family go through, it goes by quicker than is even remotely fair and at some point your kids are grown ups and life changes in a hurry.
After, C and I went out for a drink and a few moments of couple time and Max went over to his buddies for a few hours. Came home, laid on the couch. C was supposed to meet up with me at the house for movies and bed time (Max had early soccer game Saturday) but he ended up over at a friend of his until late and that was that.
Saturday:
Early rise and shine and off to soccer in Englewood. 4 hours of sleep, woo hoo! Great field, beautiful morning and Max played well. They tied the game, which is better than a loss in my book but Max was still disappointed. He was clearly disappointed, but generally in a good mood. Came home, picked up the house a bit and Max went over to Justin's to help with yard work and hang out with Evan. Chance went to school for the afternoon. I had the whole house to myself. whoa.
I had big plans, but I ended up: napping; taking a bath, doing yoga and snuggling my pets. I then got on the phone with my Aunty MB since I had a few moments of quite time before C got home and chatted with her a bit. It was her Birthday yesterday (Happy Birthday Aunty) so I'm glad I got at least a few minutes in with her.
C got home, I got off the phone and we had a wonderful evening. I can't remember the last time we had that kind of alone time together, we talked and snuggled and laughed and drank wine and it was good. We had some conversations that needed to be had and made some choices together that I feel really good about!
Sunday:
Up bright and early again on very little sleep, shew I'm exhausted on this day! C went on an all day adventure with Andy and I took a nap (again) and watched Evan most of rest of the day while everyone else was out running errands. He's so sweet, except he's overly fascinated by anything I might be drinking and kept sticking his little hand in my water glass. That gets messy real quick. Kasha also came up and snatched one of his graham crackers right out of his hand! That made him cry and then she moped around and made that face like she's being abused and went and hid in the blankets on the couch. He then wanted to 'share' all of his food with her which obviously was a problem so I had to put her outside and then all hell broke loose for a moment (Kasha unhappy about being outside, Evan unhappy about loosing his new friend) which was all easily redirected with a choo choo train and a goofy aunt running up and down the stairs. I then fed the little booger some glazed carrots (yum) and potatoes and he had some chicken left over from one of Max's dinners and next thing you know Mom and Dad are their to pick him up and he's gone again. I like being an Aunty, that's not such a bad gig if you ask me.
Max went out and played with his buddies the rest of the afternoon and I watched "Americas Next Top Model" marathon until C got home. And napped a bit more too. I have recently discovered the power of napping and how 20 mins here and there can make a ginormous difference. Historically, I've not been able to nap or sleep in as soon as the sun comes up...but if conditions are just right, I can nap quite well for short periods of time now.
C came home exhausted from his day trip with Andy and we watched 'The Last King Of Scotland'...well sort of, we mostly just laid there and snuggled. Then it was off to bed.
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
Then I woke up to the alarm and my phone buzzing off the night table
~ yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn ~
It was a great weekend though I didn't get much done around the house as planned, the yard is in dire need of attention. I have some major weeding to do, the lawn needs to be mowed and the back patio is in desperate need of a good cleaning/sweeping. All of these things may have needed to be done, but I think I got exactly what I needed to have done and that was spending time doing what I wanted to do for me.
Non-Work Related Goals for this week:
a) Sleep each night at least 7 hours
b) Yard work
c) House work
d) Grocery shopping
e) Half hour - hour of yoga 3 nights
f) Get Max's bike to the shop
g) Further research online free university
h) Get budget in order for next 3 months and plan to purchase airline tickets (Mexico, TN)
Happy Monday All!
Song of the day:
Norah Jones - Be Here To Love me
Thursday, April 26, 2007
And Then................
Spent 3 hours yesterday being examined, poked, prodded, imaged, stretched, diagnosed and treated. I have migraines. big woop. So does half the planet. Soooo, luckily nothing more than that for now. We'll do another MRI in 6 months just to be sure there's nothing deeply lurking. And I've got some good drugs should I need them next time, that way I won't end up in the hospital thinking I'm having some neurological attack....~ shudder ~
Blood work came out great, blood pressure, heart rate...all the normal stuff, all good. Kidney counts are all good, even liver function is looking great. SHOCKER! Apparently, I'm a pretty healthy lady...except I did get the "you could probably loose 20 lbs, just to be safe" speech. My doc rocks, so I don't take it personal. She's right, I'd rather NOT put my body under more stress than is necessary. Sooo, I promised her I would do so before my next visit. That's doable.
She was shocked at my cholesterol, simply because I am a little overweight....I have the cholesterol counts of a women half my size. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself about that....I just grinned at her. She said "You must eat a lot of veggies!" I said, "Yeah, something like that." I did reminder her though that my pudgealicious tummy is do more to the initial weight gain from last year when I moved into the house, quite smoking and a myriad of other personal dramas occurred...I just haven't really been able to get it off since. Because I like pasta, bread, rice and potatoes (to excess, hmmmm carb-sugar, yummmm) and olive oil, it's not going any where until I decide to make it so. Make It So #1!
har. Little Star Trek humor for you there. durh.
I am wicked tired today, I usually am by Thursday nights and then Friday rolls around and I'm back on the bandwagon for the weekend. This weekend promises to be busy.
So all in all, I'm healthy happy and feeling good about many things. I always have too much to do, so I've decided to stop complaining and procrastinating about it and just move forward. Things don't get done just thinking about them right?
AND BY THE WAY..............
Just in case no one has noticed what the Mad Cowboy is up to today....
http://news.monstersandcritics.com/middleeast/news/article_1295810.php/Bush_to_veto_Democrats_Iraq_pullout_plan__Roundup_
Don't forget to read the comments...
Certainly he won't go down without a fight, that would be rolling over to easily at this point. I'm sure we'll go several more rounds before progress is made, probably not until he's out of office. But what gets me worked up is his openly belligerent attitude. He personifies the very charasticists the world nation as a whole has for despising us. blech.
Blood work came out great, blood pressure, heart rate...all the normal stuff, all good. Kidney counts are all good, even liver function is looking great. SHOCKER! Apparently, I'm a pretty healthy lady...except I did get the "you could probably loose 20 lbs, just to be safe" speech. My doc rocks, so I don't take it personal. She's right, I'd rather NOT put my body under more stress than is necessary. Sooo, I promised her I would do so before my next visit. That's doable.
She was shocked at my cholesterol, simply because I am a little overweight....I have the cholesterol counts of a women half my size. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself about that....I just grinned at her. She said "You must eat a lot of veggies!" I said, "Yeah, something like that." I did reminder her though that my pudgealicious tummy is do more to the initial weight gain from last year when I moved into the house, quite smoking and a myriad of other personal dramas occurred...I just haven't really been able to get it off since. Because I like pasta, bread, rice and potatoes (to excess, hmmmm carb-sugar, yummmm) and olive oil, it's not going any where until I decide to make it so. Make It So #1!
har. Little Star Trek humor for you there. durh.
I am wicked tired today, I usually am by Thursday nights and then Friday rolls around and I'm back on the bandwagon for the weekend. This weekend promises to be busy.
So all in all, I'm healthy happy and feeling good about many things. I always have too much to do, so I've decided to stop complaining and procrastinating about it and just move forward. Things don't get done just thinking about them right?
AND BY THE WAY..............
Just in case no one has noticed what the Mad Cowboy is up to today....
http://news.monstersandcritics.com/middleeast/news/article_1295810.php/Bush_to_veto_Democrats_Iraq_pullout_plan__Roundup_
Don't forget to read the comments...
Certainly he won't go down without a fight, that would be rolling over to easily at this point. I'm sure we'll go several more rounds before progress is made, probably not until he's out of office. But what gets me worked up is his openly belligerent attitude. He personifies the very charasticists the world nation as a whole has for despising us. blech.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Maxter Breaks The Mold!
Max has been an absolute doll this past week, reminiscent of his sweeter days as a young child. Loving, affectionate, humorous, considerate, helpful, not nearly as combative and visibly a much happier, brighter and more confident young man.
There are a number of reasons why I believe this change has come into affect and personally I feel it is a culmination of the 1+year in therapy, Howard's extraordinary efforts to work with him and get him on track, tutoring, and our being able to (possibly) work through some issues with his father.
His grades are steadily improving, as is his attitude. He seems confident and capable, he seems excited about his future, he's talking about girls in a way I've never heard before. Is it possible that some of this hard work, tough love and unwavering support has paid off for the big man?
Let's hope so, I know I've got my fingers crossed and some level of hope that maybe, just maybe he might end up being a balanced, healthy happy kid and that we might enjoy the next couple of years we have together before he's off and running out in the world.
~ sniff ~
He told G last night "It's my choice to treat people like poo, I just don't want to any more. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to have fun and get to do fun stuff. Who I want to be is my choice."
I almost started bawling.
Then he said:
"I like it when Mom and I get along, I like it when she's not stressed out because my teachers call her or because I didn't do my homework. Then she's a whole lot nicer to me and gives me more freedom. I also like it when she's relaxed because she can hang out with me more."
Then I did start crying, quietly.
FINALLY...The child has had some blinding flash of clarity?!?!?!
Who knows what prompted it and what ultimately his motives are (if any) but what I do know is that Max appears to be seeing the direct correlation between hard work and the subsequent possibilities and opportunities from his hard work. If I get a good grade on a test, everyone tells me how good I am and I feel good about myself. PLUS I get to stay out a little later with my friends. If I do my chores with out my mother having to ask 5 times (or even once in this case, he just came home and took the garbage out on Monday! w/o one word from me?!) then she trusts that I will do what I am supposed to do and that gives me more freedom to do the things I want to do. If I am cool to people and don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, they might actually see what a great person I am on the inside! I am bright and can feel good about myself.
Then he proceeded to explain about all the hot girls that were hanging out with him at the skate park and how he liked that they were there to watch him. He didn't get any numbers that day, but he's got give it time to get the 'right' girl. ALRIGHTY THEN! Wayyyyyyyy to mature for a 14 year old, but okaaaaaaaay. Then I realized, he'll be 15 soon and that's no joke. It's the real deal, he's a big man now and his life is going to change soon in a drastic way when he starts high school. Maybe, just maybe we've been able to make some progress before the bigger challenges do come along?
If nothing else, Max has been a blast these past few days and just the idea that he CAN be this way right now gives me little glimmering happy butterfly feelings. If I had one wish in the world, it would be that Mj (and all children) would have a life that is fulfilling, loving, supported and full of opportunities. Thanks to his outstanding support system, he may just have that.
Though I know that taking this one day at a time is the most sane approach.
I thought this morning that it might be time to remind him about the condoms in his bathroom and the "Mom won't be counting them or invading your privacy, just promise to use them if you are in that situation!" talk. It also occurred to me that if he DOES get B's and A's his Freshmen year as promised, I will have to send him to that very expensive driving school so he can get his permit.
Oh. My. Freaking. Goddess!
Someone please hold me.
There are a number of reasons why I believe this change has come into affect and personally I feel it is a culmination of the 1+year in therapy, Howard's extraordinary efforts to work with him and get him on track, tutoring, and our being able to (possibly) work through some issues with his father.
His grades are steadily improving, as is his attitude. He seems confident and capable, he seems excited about his future, he's talking about girls in a way I've never heard before. Is it possible that some of this hard work, tough love and unwavering support has paid off for the big man?
Let's hope so, I know I've got my fingers crossed and some level of hope that maybe, just maybe he might end up being a balanced, healthy happy kid and that we might enjoy the next couple of years we have together before he's off and running out in the world.
~ sniff ~
He told G last night "It's my choice to treat people like poo, I just don't want to any more. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to have fun and get to do fun stuff. Who I want to be is my choice."
I almost started bawling.
Then he said:
"I like it when Mom and I get along, I like it when she's not stressed out because my teachers call her or because I didn't do my homework. Then she's a whole lot nicer to me and gives me more freedom. I also like it when she's relaxed because she can hang out with me more."
Then I did start crying, quietly.
FINALLY...The child has had some blinding flash of clarity?!?!?!
Who knows what prompted it and what ultimately his motives are (if any) but what I do know is that Max appears to be seeing the direct correlation between hard work and the subsequent possibilities and opportunities from his hard work. If I get a good grade on a test, everyone tells me how good I am and I feel good about myself. PLUS I get to stay out a little later with my friends. If I do my chores with out my mother having to ask 5 times (or even once in this case, he just came home and took the garbage out on Monday! w/o one word from me?!) then she trusts that I will do what I am supposed to do and that gives me more freedom to do the things I want to do. If I am cool to people and don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, they might actually see what a great person I am on the inside! I am bright and can feel good about myself.
Then he proceeded to explain about all the hot girls that were hanging out with him at the skate park and how he liked that they were there to watch him. He didn't get any numbers that day, but he's got give it time to get the 'right' girl. ALRIGHTY THEN! Wayyyyyyyy to mature for a 14 year old, but okaaaaaaaay. Then I realized, he'll be 15 soon and that's no joke. It's the real deal, he's a big man now and his life is going to change soon in a drastic way when he starts high school. Maybe, just maybe we've been able to make some progress before the bigger challenges do come along?
If nothing else, Max has been a blast these past few days and just the idea that he CAN be this way right now gives me little glimmering happy butterfly feelings. If I had one wish in the world, it would be that Mj (and all children) would have a life that is fulfilling, loving, supported and full of opportunities. Thanks to his outstanding support system, he may just have that.
Though I know that taking this one day at a time is the most sane approach.
I thought this morning that it might be time to remind him about the condoms in his bathroom and the "Mom won't be counting them or invading your privacy, just promise to use them if you are in that situation!" talk. It also occurred to me that if he DOES get B's and A's his Freshmen year as promised, I will have to send him to that very expensive driving school so he can get his permit.
Oh. My. Freaking. Goddess!
Someone please hold me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Spring In Colorado
There is only one word that describes springs in Colorado:
Unpredictable.
You could face any one or all of the following conditions within a limited period of time:
- thunder,
- rain,
- snow,
- sleet,
- hail,
- bluster you right over,
- range in temperature from 12 degrees to 72,
- flood,
- freeze,
- cause power outages, surges or black outs;
- etc....
- oh...don't forget tornado's...
Currently, it is thundering, raining, blowing, snowing and sleeting....er something like that. I went out at lunch for a quick break and to make a few phone calls only to find one half of 120th flooding and the other getting pretty slick from all the sleet and rapidly cooling temperature.
I am personally a fan of weather, I think it is very interesting to have a first hand account from the Earth about where she's at and what she has to say. So none of this bothers me, but what does bother me is this sort of apocalyptic feeling to this day and really, recent weather here has been extreme. Everyone is talking about Global Warming now that it is no longer some tree hugging, long haired hippy environut idea. It's main stream now baby and it's about flipping time....maybe people will get off their keesters and start facing the facts that our planet is dying and we are responsible and we are the only ones who can make an effort to make change.
I've lived in Colorado more than half of my life, in the 20 odd years I've lived here....I've never seen a cycle like this one starting from the end of last summer and those crazy record heats to the snow this winter and an even more far ranging spring time. This will all melt tomorrow and that is normal and keep in mind that Colorado spans a cross section of the Rockies, so it's blizzarding about 20 miles from me at this moment while it's mostly just sleeting and raining here right now...
My point is that while I'd like to join the local masses and pretend like this is normal, some sort of cycle, there is no doubt something to be concerned about. Whether this is a normal weather cycle or not (which I am SO not buying that, sorry) decisions do need to be made about what to do when the public is facing severely adverse weather conditions in a climate culture that has not historically been required to be prepared for such things on a regular basis.
For example, due to the over 5 business days of weather that was not save to be traveled in within a 10 day period around the holidays this past year, my company has implemented a policy about snow days. If the office is closed, we are still required to make up the time or take it as PTO. That means, if the general regional manager who lives less than a mile from here cannot get into work and decides to close the office, it is our responsibility to compensate for that. On the flip side, if Max's school is closed due to snow I am expected to either leave him home and come to work or bring him with me...or if I am very very lucky, I might have a laptop already with me for such situations.
Huh? If they close the office...it's my responsibility to huh...what? Okkkaaay.
Work has to still get done, I get that. Trust me I do, I've only been allowed to take 2 PTO days without being harangued by my clients...so I get it. But I'm sorry, I'm not going to risk it...it's not worth it to me to risk my life to get to work. Which I can tell you, that storm we had before Christmas...that was probably the most terrifying drive I've ever had. It took me close to one and half hours to get here and that was BEFORE it was even bad. So because the weather is really bad and I don't have a laptop at home I have to take PTO or come in on a Saturday before Christmas? Hrmmm.
Guess I just see the potential for some abuse because of these issues...I vote if this sort of thing continues, it's going to have to go to the state level and have some decisions made about protecting employee rights.
I wonder how employers handle it in states that have tornados rip through them? Thing is with that, those states have been facing that for years...Colorado DOES have crazy weather, but it generally keeps it's distance from Denver and the Metro area. Now, it's creeping in for real and not all of us are going to drive SUV's. Sorry.
Unpredictable.
You could face any one or all of the following conditions within a limited period of time:
- thunder,
- rain,
- snow,
- sleet,
- hail,
- bluster you right over,
- range in temperature from 12 degrees to 72,
- flood,
- freeze,
- cause power outages, surges or black outs;
- etc....
- oh...don't forget tornado's...
Currently, it is thundering, raining, blowing, snowing and sleeting....er something like that. I went out at lunch for a quick break and to make a few phone calls only to find one half of 120th flooding and the other getting pretty slick from all the sleet and rapidly cooling temperature.
I am personally a fan of weather, I think it is very interesting to have a first hand account from the Earth about where she's at and what she has to say. So none of this bothers me, but what does bother me is this sort of apocalyptic feeling to this day and really, recent weather here has been extreme. Everyone is talking about Global Warming now that it is no longer some tree hugging, long haired hippy environut idea. It's main stream now baby and it's about flipping time....maybe people will get off their keesters and start facing the facts that our planet is dying and we are responsible and we are the only ones who can make an effort to make change.
I've lived in Colorado more than half of my life, in the 20 odd years I've lived here....I've never seen a cycle like this one starting from the end of last summer and those crazy record heats to the snow this winter and an even more far ranging spring time. This will all melt tomorrow and that is normal and keep in mind that Colorado spans a cross section of the Rockies, so it's blizzarding about 20 miles from me at this moment while it's mostly just sleeting and raining here right now...
My point is that while I'd like to join the local masses and pretend like this is normal, some sort of cycle, there is no doubt something to be concerned about. Whether this is a normal weather cycle or not (which I am SO not buying that, sorry) decisions do need to be made about what to do when the public is facing severely adverse weather conditions in a climate culture that has not historically been required to be prepared for such things on a regular basis.
For example, due to the over 5 business days of weather that was not save to be traveled in within a 10 day period around the holidays this past year, my company has implemented a policy about snow days. If the office is closed, we are still required to make up the time or take it as PTO. That means, if the general regional manager who lives less than a mile from here cannot get into work and decides to close the office, it is our responsibility to compensate for that. On the flip side, if Max's school is closed due to snow I am expected to either leave him home and come to work or bring him with me...or if I am very very lucky, I might have a laptop already with me for such situations.
Huh? If they close the office...it's my responsibility to huh...what? Okkkaaay.
Work has to still get done, I get that. Trust me I do, I've only been allowed to take 2 PTO days without being harangued by my clients...so I get it. But I'm sorry, I'm not going to risk it...it's not worth it to me to risk my life to get to work. Which I can tell you, that storm we had before Christmas...that was probably the most terrifying drive I've ever had. It took me close to one and half hours to get here and that was BEFORE it was even bad. So because the weather is really bad and I don't have a laptop at home I have to take PTO or come in on a Saturday before Christmas? Hrmmm.
Guess I just see the potential for some abuse because of these issues...I vote if this sort of thing continues, it's going to have to go to the state level and have some decisions made about protecting employee rights.
I wonder how employers handle it in states that have tornados rip through them? Thing is with that, those states have been facing that for years...Colorado DOES have crazy weather, but it generally keeps it's distance from Denver and the Metro area. Now, it's creeping in for real and not all of us are going to drive SUV's. Sorry.
Monday, April 23, 2007
What A Weekend!
Wow, what a great weekend we had! It was a blast, albeit extraordinarily busy, but still one I ended up enjoying quite.
Friday:
Prepared for Mom's party. Made a cake, got some decorations and spent most of the afternoon doing laundry and cleaning. I actually was not feeling good at all Friday afternoon, but luckily it seemed to pass quickly. Probably just allergies. Chance went out for his first officially ride with the boys on the bike and ended up staying out pretty late Friday night. He got home about 9:30 at which point we just ended up talking and watching movies until the wee hours of the morning. That was nice :)
Saturday:
Got up after about 5 hours of sleep and got ready to meet Howard to pick up the car. Soooo tired, but I grabbed a Starbucks on the way and pulled it together. Max was excited to get the Baby Jetta back as well and while we waited for Howard we looked at all the now '07 VW models. Some nice stuff, in particular Max likes the newest VW sporty called the "EOS" (Google it w/ the black exterior and drop top convertible.) I must admit, it is a nice ride, but not for me. Max has the "I'll be driving soon" bug so he likes to sit and stare at cars and dream about what could be. It's all very cute.
Big thanks to Howard, he's been so amazing these past few weeks with Max and helping me with the Baby Jetta.
Got the Baby Jetta back and drove all over creation running errands and prepping for Mom's party.
Ms. Helen came to meet up at my place about 3:30 before going to PFChangs and we hung out a bit and chilled and got the party under way. Her hair looks SO cute!
PFChangs was fantastic, I had my favorite (tofu lettuce wraps, Ma Po veggies/tofu) but next time will try the Buddha's Feast, steamed. Everyone else went to town on various other dishes and the meal was topped of nicely by an Asian Pear Mojito. YUMMMMM!
Christine, one of my Mom's friends from school, was extremely entertaining and I hope to see her again. What a unique individual, I always appreciate meeting new and interesting folks. Bubba Monkey (Evan) kept cooing and winking at me from the other side of the table, I miss the little booger, glad J & C could bring him.
We went home and mostly just hung out the rest of the night, everyone having their own conversations here and there. Matty showed up and he seemed in extraordinarily high spirits which I can certainly appreciate. My mother really enjoys Matt and I am happy he could come and spend some time with her on her birthday. It was nice to see him having so much fun and enjoying himself, it is an infectious energy and not one I've seen for a while.
We spent the rest of night playing spades, talking, giggling and reminiscing. I had a fantastic time with everyone and it truly was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday night. Unfortunately, Sunday was my punishment for having so much fun as I spent most of it with a terrible headache and got very nervous about it being a migraine. Luckily, it didn't go that route, but I still spent most of Sunday shaking off all the food and wine I had the night before.
During all of this activity, two things became very clear to me.
Max really likes hanging out with 'the adults' and particularly enjoys man time. Matt, Grandpa Jim and Chance spent some time just talking with him and he seemed to get quite a bit out of that. He is definitely feeling out how he fits into the male dynamic. Interesting to watch.
I miss my mother when I don't see her for a very long time. I genuinely enjoyed spending that time with her and I can see the many ways in which we both have grown and matured. This makes me happy, for her and I both.
Off to work, busy week ahead of me with too much to do as always. I have the ink thing test on Wednesday as well as a standard annual physical exam. So, a full work up will be done in addition to this stuff going on with my head. I am sure it will all turn out fine, I'll keep you posted.
Peace!
xoxo
S
Friday:
Prepared for Mom's party. Made a cake, got some decorations and spent most of the afternoon doing laundry and cleaning. I actually was not feeling good at all Friday afternoon, but luckily it seemed to pass quickly. Probably just allergies. Chance went out for his first officially ride with the boys on the bike and ended up staying out pretty late Friday night. He got home about 9:30 at which point we just ended up talking and watching movies until the wee hours of the morning. That was nice :)
Saturday:
Got up after about 5 hours of sleep and got ready to meet Howard to pick up the car. Soooo tired, but I grabbed a Starbucks on the way and pulled it together. Max was excited to get the Baby Jetta back as well and while we waited for Howard we looked at all the now '07 VW models. Some nice stuff, in particular Max likes the newest VW sporty called the "EOS" (Google it w/ the black exterior and drop top convertible.) I must admit, it is a nice ride, but not for me. Max has the "I'll be driving soon" bug so he likes to sit and stare at cars and dream about what could be. It's all very cute.
Big thanks to Howard, he's been so amazing these past few weeks with Max and helping me with the Baby Jetta.
Got the Baby Jetta back and drove all over creation running errands and prepping for Mom's party.
Ms. Helen came to meet up at my place about 3:30 before going to PFChangs and we hung out a bit and chilled and got the party under way. Her hair looks SO cute!
PFChangs was fantastic, I had my favorite (tofu lettuce wraps, Ma Po veggies/tofu) but next time will try the Buddha's Feast, steamed. Everyone else went to town on various other dishes and the meal was topped of nicely by an Asian Pear Mojito. YUMMMMM!
Christine, one of my Mom's friends from school, was extremely entertaining and I hope to see her again. What a unique individual, I always appreciate meeting new and interesting folks. Bubba Monkey (Evan) kept cooing and winking at me from the other side of the table, I miss the little booger, glad J & C could bring him.
We went home and mostly just hung out the rest of the night, everyone having their own conversations here and there. Matty showed up and he seemed in extraordinarily high spirits which I can certainly appreciate. My mother really enjoys Matt and I am happy he could come and spend some time with her on her birthday. It was nice to see him having so much fun and enjoying himself, it is an infectious energy and not one I've seen for a while.
We spent the rest of night playing spades, talking, giggling and reminiscing. I had a fantastic time with everyone and it truly was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday night. Unfortunately, Sunday was my punishment for having so much fun as I spent most of it with a terrible headache and got very nervous about it being a migraine. Luckily, it didn't go that route, but I still spent most of Sunday shaking off all the food and wine I had the night before.
During all of this activity, two things became very clear to me.
Max really likes hanging out with 'the adults' and particularly enjoys man time. Matt, Grandpa Jim and Chance spent some time just talking with him and he seemed to get quite a bit out of that. He is definitely feeling out how he fits into the male dynamic. Interesting to watch.
I miss my mother when I don't see her for a very long time. I genuinely enjoyed spending that time with her and I can see the many ways in which we both have grown and matured. This makes me happy, for her and I both.
Off to work, busy week ahead of me with too much to do as always. I have the ink thing test on Wednesday as well as a standard annual physical exam. So, a full work up will be done in addition to this stuff going on with my head. I am sure it will all turn out fine, I'll keep you posted.
Peace!
xoxo
S
Friday, April 20, 2007
Eventful Week
Friday brings me feeling like this week flew by with barely the blink of an eye and the weekend promises to be just as eventful....recap as follows:
Monday:
Mondays are all always crazy days because
a) Work usually requires catch up from the weekend
b) Max has tutoring AND soccer practice that day
c) Howard comes that night to visit with Max after soccer practice
d) Chance is generally doing homework
Tuesday:
a) Went to see Georgia
b) Took Chance to pick up his bike at Thunder Mountain Harley in Loveland
c) Took Max to dinner at Hooters while C was doing man/bike things
d) Followed C home (have to drive the 1st 50 miles under 45 mph) on his bike
e) Came home and we all barely made it into our beds
Wednesday:
a) Work kicked my butt (writing requirements now for a freaking week....gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh)
b) We had a lunch for the April birthdays and went to Heaven Dragon
c) Had Sesame Tofu/Brown Rice/Veggies...made me ill
d) Came home rushed Max to tutoring, then soccer practiced
e) Cleaned house until 12 am
Thursday:
a) More writing requirements (For those of you who don't know what this is, it's basically writing technical documentation used in the quoting process with clients. This includes EVERY single possible detail associated with the project from the database design and functionality, to how the application will flow to reports based on data collection. Very detailed...but very macro. I am very good at this process, but something about it totally drains me.)
b) Had to provide additional passport documentation (needed a birth certificate with a state seal? Go figure, don't' know what was wrong with the one I gave them...but oh well, should have it in the next two weeks or so.)
c) Laundry (blah)
d) Nails
e) Sleep
Today:
a) Wrap up requirements at work
b) Prep for Mom's 50th birthday (see Saturday below)
c) Wrap up laundry
d) Run some errands this afternoon
e) Help Mj with homework/test prep
f) Call about High School Shadowing
Saturday:
a) Yard work
b) Pick up Mom's cake
c) Pick up and decorate the house a bit
d) Max and I will meet Mom & Jim at PFChangs for lunch
e) Come back to the house and hang out with friends
Sunday:
REST! SLEEP! Course the house will require some picking up I am sure, it always does after we have people over...but we've managed to keep it to a dull roar lately so that's good.
This doesn't include the car situation and 5 billion other things going on with Maxter. Oh and my friends giving me guilt trips for not calling them back when I said I would. I am SUCH a terrible friend, I tell you what. Last I checked, my phone does receive calls as well and generally the only time I get phone calls from them is when they want me to baby sit. I think they are putting way to much energy into being hurt over a phone call. Count me out of all that, I don't need to hear it. I've got enough positive pieces on my plate to keep me more than content....no drama haters! Buh-bye!
But, I have become a master juggler! WOO HOO. Look at me go!
I also plan to kidnap Chance tonight after his ride with Andy and make him sit with me long enough to snuggle, talk and have couple time. We currently have something resembling the "high five" relationship where we see each other in passing in and out of the house. It makes spending time together, QUIET ALONE TIME a challenge...but we are getting better about it. Plus, I know big man needs to get out on the bike for real with Andy and have a go at it. Sounds like fun to me;)
Have a good weekend everyone....remember the United States Supreme Court just set back women's reproductive freedom 3 decades - but today is the 9th anniversary of Columbine and Rush Limbaugh knows the facts so we won't worry about how little emphasis our government places on proactive measures to save lives and provide women with the freedom to make their own health care choices. We'll just skip that part all together and focus entirely on all the ways our kids are totally screwed up today, so much so that they are killing each other. Then we can all stand around in shock and horror and point fingers at peer pressure and guns and the parents and Marilyn Manson and video games and bullying. All of those issues are clearly much bigger than the fact that our leaders are waging a war of fear unto us, that we are murdering hundreds of people every day all over the world, that our kids are facing times like no other in history, that American soldiers are facing 2, 3 and 4 tours of duty in an illegal war, that our economy is teetering and not one thing on the global scale feels remotely stable at the moment. Gee, I can't imagine why young, impressionable people might be stressed out and have no means of support. We are to busy trying not get blown up right now to pay attention to the needs of our own children. That's pretty depressing considering they will be our leaders someday.
Monday:
Mondays are all always crazy days because
a) Work usually requires catch up from the weekend
b) Max has tutoring AND soccer practice that day
c) Howard comes that night to visit with Max after soccer practice
d) Chance is generally doing homework
Tuesday:
a) Went to see Georgia
b) Took Chance to pick up his bike at Thunder Mountain Harley in Loveland
c) Took Max to dinner at Hooters while C was doing man/bike things
d) Followed C home (have to drive the 1st 50 miles under 45 mph) on his bike
e) Came home and we all barely made it into our beds
Wednesday:
a) Work kicked my butt (writing requirements now for a freaking week....gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh)
b) We had a lunch for the April birthdays and went to Heaven Dragon
c) Had Sesame Tofu/Brown Rice/Veggies...made me ill
d) Came home rushed Max to tutoring, then soccer practiced
e) Cleaned house until 12 am
Thursday:
a) More writing requirements (For those of you who don't know what this is, it's basically writing technical documentation used in the quoting process with clients. This includes EVERY single possible detail associated with the project from the database design and functionality, to how the application will flow to reports based on data collection. Very detailed...but very macro. I am very good at this process, but something about it totally drains me.)
b) Had to provide additional passport documentation (needed a birth certificate with a state seal? Go figure, don't' know what was wrong with the one I gave them...but oh well, should have it in the next two weeks or so.)
c) Laundry (blah)
d) Nails
e) Sleep
Today:
a) Wrap up requirements at work
b) Prep for Mom's 50th birthday (see Saturday below)
c) Wrap up laundry
d) Run some errands this afternoon
e) Help Mj with homework/test prep
f) Call about High School Shadowing
Saturday:
a) Yard work
b) Pick up Mom's cake
c) Pick up and decorate the house a bit
d) Max and I will meet Mom & Jim at PFChangs for lunch
e) Come back to the house and hang out with friends
Sunday:
REST! SLEEP! Course the house will require some picking up I am sure, it always does after we have people over...but we've managed to keep it to a dull roar lately so that's good.
This doesn't include the car situation and 5 billion other things going on with Maxter. Oh and my friends giving me guilt trips for not calling them back when I said I would. I am SUCH a terrible friend, I tell you what. Last I checked, my phone does receive calls as well and generally the only time I get phone calls from them is when they want me to baby sit. I think they are putting way to much energy into being hurt over a phone call. Count me out of all that, I don't need to hear it. I've got enough positive pieces on my plate to keep me more than content....no drama haters! Buh-bye!
But, I have become a master juggler! WOO HOO. Look at me go!
I also plan to kidnap Chance tonight after his ride with Andy and make him sit with me long enough to snuggle, talk and have couple time. We currently have something resembling the "high five" relationship where we see each other in passing in and out of the house. It makes spending time together, QUIET ALONE TIME a challenge...but we are getting better about it. Plus, I know big man needs to get out on the bike for real with Andy and have a go at it. Sounds like fun to me;)
Have a good weekend everyone....remember the United States Supreme Court just set back women's reproductive freedom 3 decades - but today is the 9th anniversary of Columbine and Rush Limbaugh knows the facts so we won't worry about how little emphasis our government places on proactive measures to save lives and provide women with the freedom to make their own health care choices. We'll just skip that part all together and focus entirely on all the ways our kids are totally screwed up today, so much so that they are killing each other. Then we can all stand around in shock and horror and point fingers at peer pressure and guns and the parents and Marilyn Manson and video games and bullying. All of those issues are clearly much bigger than the fact that our leaders are waging a war of fear unto us, that we are murdering hundreds of people every day all over the world, that our kids are facing times like no other in history, that American soldiers are facing 2, 3 and 4 tours of duty in an illegal war, that our economy is teetering and not one thing on the global scale feels remotely stable at the moment. Gee, I can't imagine why young, impressionable people might be stressed out and have no means of support. We are to busy trying not get blown up right now to pay attention to the needs of our own children. That's pretty depressing considering they will be our leaders someday.
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