Drama Mongers

The situation in VA is terrible, it truly truly is. I am saddened and my heart goes out to each of these families and all of the students affected by such an act of violence. It's awful, ugly and certainly a sad day in our history.

My disgust for the media through times of tribulation are not pardoned by my sadness though. It has been less than 48 hours, not all the facts are known and the media is crawling all over it like cockroaches. And like cockroaches, they have very little respect for privacy. There are hundreds if not thousands of people directly effected by the deaths of these students, faculty...by a horror that none of us can understand when it happens. Yet this college campus, instructors and anyone closely related to the situation is being actively stocked, hounded and questioned without restraint.

And...what does it matter if the person, that for what ever reason felt inclined to start shooting people, is South Korean? How does that factor AT all into the situation? I'm pretty baffled by it, but that's the first thing you read when you see the description of the 'killer.' As if you can't tell by the kids picture that is now plastered all over the internet. Apparently his ethnic origin is a critical factor in what type of person he was. And that he was a 'loner'. ooooh scary, that MUST make him a bad guy. Speculating on this persons character is totally inappropriate. It doesn't change the facts.

Primarily though, what irks me the most, is how you can almost imagine some Franken-Journalist salivating over this news. Eyes gleaming, lips in a grim smile. Wringing a sweaty set of palms with eager anticipation of the details. And even worse than the freakish plastic people contained in little electronic boxes spewing forth accounts of information that cannot be proven at the moment are their masters who decide what should be reported based on the desires of those currently stuffing the pockets of their network.

It is all very sad, I do not discount that. I do not discount the fact that there is something very wrong here. It's just very painful to see how grossly uneven the balance is between the media and the reality.

One thought I've had all day though is this: Fox News has been approved to show footage and air audio of 911 one calls from this even but not dead soldiers coming home from Iraq. Or the 100 Iraqi's killed for every American soldier. Anna Nicole Smith and idiot Imus were considered breaking news for days, those topics are STILL HOT.

Diversions diversions diversions.

Fear fear fear!

Top 3 Reasons Why Teens Are Brats

3) It's very interesting to poke and prod the world around you, to see what types of reactions you will get and learn about who will tolerate certain behaviors and who will not. Unfortunately, it's even more interesting and seemingly angstful to pout and walking around being melancholy when said poking and prodding of the external world does not equate into the desired results.

2) Actually, being angstful really is the best part of being a teenager. Very emo, gets a lot of attention and causes concerns to the adults who love her. Plus speaking with dripping sarcasm and boastful disrespect is the ultimate way to express ones total dissapointment and apathy with the world around him.

1) And the #1 reason why teens are total flippin' brats? Cuz they just can't help it. Those hormones pulsing through their blood streams, coupled with the realities of life they are suddenly facing in a fast and furious manner can only equal one thing: Grouchy, snotty, rude and impatient people. Oh and people growing at impossible rates out of their existing bodies into adult bodies, with adult like urges and adult like behaviors...but not quite adult like yet. And everyone is SO controlling and mean and it doesn't matter and the whole world totally sucks and it'd be just a lot better if you weren't always telling me what to do. Ooops...got sidetracked there.

Anyway, it's not easy being green...I mean a teen and probably not one adult out out there would go back and do it again. I sure as hell wouldn't but what I do know...is that this boy I am raising is such a lovely spirit and he has much to give the world, someday he'll know that I DO understand alot of his fussing and cussing about life and how unfair it all seems...AND I know he can't help it cuz he's one large semi-gilatenous hormone ready to burst through into the big scary world and it IS alot of pressure. I know and I understand and I love you. But I still have to tell you take out the garbage and do your homework and scold you when you are nasty to me b/c if I don't...I'd be a really shitty Mom and trust me...that's the last thing I want to be and I have to start somewhere. Right? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I do cherish and love you and I do want you to be happy. But that doesn't mean I have to let you treat me and others like crap. We ALL have to start somewhere.

Bless ya kid, it's gonna be alright...just breathe and give everyone a chance to catch up with you.

Wicked Busy At The Moment

Title says it all, I've got my hands full and my head spinning with tasks, details, deadlines and decisions to make. Weekend was restful and peaceful, mostly because Max had strep and I had no choice but to mellow at home and take care of him. I think he enjoyed all the attention and doting, it's good to have Mom be on call when you are sick. It makes it all better. I also got him some new head phones for his IPod on clearance for $14.99 yesterday. I'm such a good Poo Poo (Max's pet name for me, nice huh?)

No word on the car. It's a big stinky icky mess of paper work and red tape, but I have a loaner still and as long as I can get around I'm not freaking to much from moment to moment.

Got the "Yoga Sanctuary" area in motion this weekend thanks to Chance. Thanks Chance (sing song.) I'm really excited about having a place of my own in the house, except C is already trying to take over with "Just think, now we can watch Boston Legal when we are going to bed!" ARRRRRRGH! THAT IS NOT THE POINT! This is not about you or Max, this is for me! ROAR!

~ patience little one ~

So instead, I said "I don't know. I think I really like the idea of having a quiet place in the house to call my own. You have an entire office area in the basement, Max has his own room. I'd sure like to just have one little spot of the house that is my sacred Mango space."

"OK Mango"

Good job for me. I almost ripped his head off for a moment, but managed to maintain some level of composure. Though, the men are certainly much more direct about their need for 'space' why can't I be? That is a battle for another day. For now, I just want my yoga matt, my dvd's and some peace and quiet. I can't wait:)

I have taken to eating massive quantities of oranges, which is odd as I generally am not an orange or citrus fruit fan. I have learned that they are not exactly "desk friendly" food b/c they are squirty and sticky. but very very yummy. So I have handi wipes.

3 people from my work just back from vacations of some sort, cruises....Vegas, whatever. Sigh. Must be nice. I'm looking at a paper route again, $800 measly bucks to get up at 4 AM and deliver papers. It might be worth it though, I haven't decided. Surely its' not less of a commitment to do some contract work and I'd get paid A LOT more?!?!?! I dunno.

Follow up tests and ink test MRI on the 25th, just so you all know. Until then we don't know much else. The headache FINALLY subsided, longest migraine I've ever had. I'm glad it's over.

Oh....song of the day is John Mayer - Heavier Things

Gotta go. peace all.

love,
s

Ooy, Spoke To Soon....

My official mood today is "Emo Mango." I've been listening all day to my favorite Emo music (Radiohead, Massive Attack, Depressed...I mean Depeche Mode) just to help get it all out. The weather, is very Emo here today and our big snow storm is no more. I was looking forward to spending the day in bed....but to no avail. Car issue is not resolved, long...boring story I cannot tell again right now...but it's still at the shop, except now it's a zillion pieces on some guys floor. sucky:(

And the doc wonders why I have these migraines.

For the record....just to clarify...I really AM a happy person. I love life and I feel really good and positive about MOST of the time. But today, is not that time. It's just that day where everything feels complex and have to many things to think about and make decisions about....car, money, Max, work demands, getting Kasha neutered IMMEDIATELY, my ever expanding waist line, picking the right cat food for Pumpkin cuz everything is being recalled and I can't keep straight which foods are which.

Luckily, I don't feel overwhelmed by most of it....I'm just sort of resigned to the fact that this is how things are right now and am trying to plug through one thing at a time. In one hour, I will go home and snuggle up warm and cozy with Max and take a nap. Then, I will get up and have a salad and some cranberry juice and watch a movie.

I won't think about my poor car or how much money I don't have or the fact that I am behind on everything at the moment. It'll all get done. AND it WILL still be there tomorrow, so tonight...I rest. and breaaaaaaaathe.

Shew!

$500 to fix everything for the Baby Jetta! SHEW! That's still more than I can afford right now, we'll be eating ramen for a few weeks. But at least I'll have my Baby Jetta home, safe and sound with The Mango where she belongs. I've decided to treat her to a 60k mile service when I can afford it, which includes a full detail. OH YEAH...SHINY BABY JETTA!

Otherwise, I'll I can say is

TGIF

May The VW Gods Bless Us

Check engine light on. sigh.
Transmission acting up. bad.
Loss of power. very bad.
At the dealership. double very bad.

Driving a 2007 Jetta. that part is good, though it's not my Baby Jetta. that part is bad.

May The VW Gods Bless Us!

Please send your prayers for a speedy recovery and low bill.

Until then.....I'm off to run more errands and take Max out for ice cream.

Oh yes, let's also please pray for SNOW....LOTS OF IT!

A Girl In Need, Many Friends Indeed

In accordance with the changes I am attempting to make to care for my physical, mental and spiritual self...I am creating a yoga sanctuary in the most quiet, secluded and personal space I have in my home....my bedroom.

I am overjoyed with the idea that I might have a space of my own, where I can lock the door, burn my incense and move my body in a physical manner which is conducive to the goals I am striving toward.

Feng Shui would dictate that ones bedroom should be just for rest, nothing else, b/c it needs to be the one place in your home where your mind, spirit and body can escape what needs to be done, responsibilities, etc. However, it is the only space in my home that seems the most viable option so I think I must go with my gut and make it my own. The boys both have their own spaces, I am the only person in the house without something to call my own...though the entire house is mine to care for and be responsible for. So, I think it is the best option. If nothing else, because I can close the door and have peace and quiet. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

That said, I am planning to focus mostly on yoga and tai chi in this space. My plea to you all is to ask that if you have any instructional DVDs that you are not using or can part with, to please send them my way as all my yoga is on VHS and we don't have a working VHS player these days. But we do have an extra DVD player that I can hook up in there and I have other plans for making it my own.

One of them being to create a signal that indicates I am in my room alone for a purpose and I wish for it to remain that way until I am ready (unless there is a dire emergency, for which I will have to provide detailed instructions to the men about what a dire emergency is...like the house is burning down or someone has an open wound that requires ER attention, NOT if someone can't find something or wants to know if they can go to the skate park with Andrew.) A do not disturb card if you will. I'm thinking I'll hang my prayer beads on the door, I'm not sure yet.

Soooo, I know many of you ladies have been around the yoga block once or twice yourselves and I thought I'd make my request public with the idea that sending out my feelers may at the very least, bring back some much calming and soothing energy to me. It's been several years since I have done yoga, my hope is to get back up to a beginners level speed and perhaps then begin classes. Time will tell, but for now...I have a goal and that is my north star at the moment.

Birth Of The Mango

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess named Sarah, with corn silk hair, green eyes and gregarious laughter. She was a happy princess mostly, but she did want more. She searched the land high and low, but often found herself unsatisfied and rather irritated with her findings.

Then one day, she met a charming prince, with dark hair and lovely kind and compassionate eyes named Chance. He too was a happy prince mostly and he didn't really realize that he wanted more until he met the totally intoxicating princess Sarah. Then he had no choice but to submit and fall in love.

Time past and the bond grew deeper. Many a night was spent at the prince's cottage, dancing in the dark and drinking delicious concoctions designed to delight and appease. The princess and prince were quite happy and it was fun to be young and in love.

One fine afternoon, the princess contacted the prince via telephone to decide on their plans for the evening. The prince answered with an enthusiastic "Hello Mango" with a long drawl and touch of tease in his voice. It was at that moment that the princess became "The Mango" and everyone in the royal court would eventually follow suit in addressing the revered princess in such a manner.

Since that time, as the handsome and extremely intelligent prince came to know The Mango on a daily basis and became subject to her ever evolving emotional state, different definitions of the The Mango came to light.

When The Mango is being difficult, ornery or nasty, she becomes "The Prickly Cactus Apple Fruit" or just "Rotten Fruit" for short.

When The Mango is giggly, happy and joyous, she becomes "A Semi-Gelatinous Tree Fruit" or "Happy Mango Knee Fruit."

When The Mango is being bad and particularly devilish, she becomes "El Mango Del Diablo" or "The Devil Fruit" or "The Mango Devil" depending on the princes mood.

When The Mango is being adored by her prince, she becomes "The Most ______ Mango On The Tree" (Beautiful, Special, Lovely, etc....)

When the prince has had too much wine and is being silly, she becomes "The Free Truit"

Variations and additions of the before mentioned terms can change on a daily basis and generally do, but it can be safely said that The Mango is a fruit and she is happy to be a fruit and she loves her prince very much for giving her such a special name. She is a very special tree fruit indeed.

And THAT, is how The Mango came to be. The Mango Fruit and her prince lived happily ever after. ~ bling ~

The End.

Little Fishy Longing To Be Free

This little fishy has recently had a fishy epiphany.

I want freedom.

It's a pretty simple sentiment, there is nothing at all complex about the idea.

• I want freedom from my wallet and the countless number of hands out for money.
• I want freedom from my cell phone and it's constant barrage of ringing and demands.
• I want freedom from this physical body I no longer recognize or feel comfortable in.
• I want freedom from the whisperings of my various addictions, begging to be fed.
• I want freedom from this cube hell, artificial lighting and recycled air.
• I want freedom from serving a purpose no higher than making someone else independently wealthy.
• I want freedom from something deeply painful within me that works diligently to sabotage any sense of happiness I might be feeling.
• I want freedom from feeling I have failed my child, from those memories of his early years and all that I cannot take back.
• I want freedom from dysfunctional relationships and co-dependant behaviors.
• I want freedom to heal, to enjoy this life, to spend my time existing with purpose.
• I want freedom from a past that never seems far enough away.
• I want freedom from self-indulgent, self-destructive and self-absorbed narcissism.
• I want freedom to learn, try, be, give and do new things.
  

Accepting and embracing the idea that I have the power to make and effect the changes I wish to see, has been slow in coming. Outwardly, I am a grand and wise theoretical thinker, inwardly, in matters of self....I am not able to think past the parts where I am still small, weak, victimized. To insecure to take risks or admit that I've fallen. Those voices that love to scream at me, and tell me what a terrible person I am, how guilty I should be feeling about x, y or z...those voices are not my own. They were planted how ever many decades ago by something entirely outside of who I have become and I think it's time to let them go.

• I want freedom from the voices that are convinced I will fail.
• I want freedom from the ever doubtful rational that has ruled my life.
• I want freedom from the asshole that told me I'd never be worth anything.
• I want freedom from the mask that suffocates me.

Some times, I don't know where to start. I often think I've taken a good step in moving up the road to some sense of recovery of who I can be, and then I slam into a brick wall going about 90. Somewhere, I learned the "crash and burn" method as a way of coping. Perhaps it is that I strive in chaos, or at least...I have in the past. A past I no longer wish to revisit.

• I want freedom to be happy and smile a lot.
• I want freedom to not take myself so seriously.
• I want freedom to love with passion and not fear.

This little fishy is treading water at the moment....carefully pondering which direction to swim, it's not as scary as she might have thought. But actually doing it, that's where fish's start flopping.

good luck fishy. you can do it. and do not, ever, let the turkeys get you down.

gobble gobble.

Long Nights, Longer Days

I went to the hospital this morning. Noone panic please, I was the one that panicked and while others may think I am silly, I don't care. I had a moment of fear and decided to act on it. So be it.

My neck has been in severe pain for over a week, Monday night I began having blinding flashes of lights in my eyes that obscured my vision for several minutes a time. Last night, I hardly slept at all...I've been grinning and baring it for almost 3 days. This morning, woke up and the entire right side of my face was completely numb...and so was my right arm. I totally freaked. Went to the ER. These are all signs of a number of rather scary health situations, no way in hell I'm going to risk it out of ego.

So, I was poked, prodded and tested. CT scan showed no sign of rupture blood cells or any blood clots, that's a good start. Blood work came out great, other than pretty low on potasium and something else that they then allieviated with giant horse pills that got stuck in my throat but, I got them down.

MRI on Friday should show any pending lurking issues.

They wanted to do a spinal tap for fear of possible menengitis. I told them to stick it. No freaking way is someone poking my spine again (epidural during birth = very bad experience for Sarah) and no need to if they aren't 100% sure. I promised the doc if I suddenly began having high fever and flu symptoms in addition to this other crap, I'd come and they could poke me all they wanted. She seemed pleased about this and stopped harassing me. That's good, cuz I'd had it with her by that point.

The staff at this hospital are so kind and gentle, really...it's a field I have a great admiration for. How do they get up every day and watch people suffer and still do it with a smile and a warm heart? A life form from another plant might find these field workers to be quite cold, I'd contest it is exactly the opposite. Though, I've known my fair share of Nurse Ratchets in my life time, that is generally not the case. Bless these men and women, who work so hard to make others comfortable and safe. Bless you.

I was promptly kicked out of my room for 2 men who'd injected a bad does of heroin. Oh my goddess, not something I wish to witness again. Those poor men. It makes me carefully consider how lucky I am that I never got hooked on the stuff, everyone was doing it in San Francisco when I lived there, a guardian soul definately had it's sights on me during that time. Thank you for never getting me in the mindset that I'd like poke myself to get rid of the pain! yuck.

I am home, I'm really tired though and keep wondering if I over reacted. But I also keep telling myself that sometimes, a girl has to take care of herself. My genetic biology is made up of a plethera dynamic and rather odd possible health issues that I may face in life, I have to take my health seriously and cannot just dismiss a headache/neckache like this when I know full well it could've been.

By the way, doc thinks it is probably just a severe migraine which traveled down my spine and is prob causing the pain in my neck. They gave me some wicked pain relievers, so I feel NOTHING at the moment and am frankly pretty shocked I am coherant enough to type.

I am going to look into acupuncture and massage, it's time and my body has been screaming at me to care for it better as of late....if not me, who will?

Peace ya'll, go to bed tonight and give thanks for the millions upon millions of health care providers in the world that give so much to us, so thanklessly. Bless you nurse who poked that IV in me today and gave me hell about being dehydrated, bless you doc who wanted to poke my spine, but also still wanted to make sure I didn't burst some thing in my head. Bless you all!

Weekend Warrior

Friday:
Headed home from work a little early to walk Kasha before a busy evening ensued. Lovely day Friday, weather was gorgeous. Perfect Colorado day. Met up with K & S for dinner at Forest Room 5. Fab food, amazing atmosphere, but mostly it was nice to have time with my girls. We chatted each other up about current events, respective families and work situations and so on. I'm hoping to get this sort of thing on the calendar about once per month, b/c I am really feeling out of touch with the feminine aspect of life that I so revere.

Picked up C from motorcycle safety training and went home and promptly fell asleep. Probably the 2 vodka tonics and very little sleep from last week finally did me in.

Saturday:
Woke up uber early to take C to his motorcycle safety training. Snapped at him for rushing me, accusing me of not knowing where I am going and all around being a bit of a weeny boy. I AM a fully capable individual and I grow tired of his implying otherwise. That and I'm not a morning person, so silence or near silence is a great way to start my day. C generally has other ideas, he's pretty perky in the morning.

Came home and took the most glorious nap with Kasha on the couch. 3 HOURS! Can you believe it? The house was totally quiet and I was alone for the first time in I don't know how long. It was a no brainer, I sat down and was pretty much down for the count until my cell phone started buzzing. Max giving me the low down on the plans for the day, Chance calling to check in and so on. Time to get up I guess.

Made some lunch, cleaned house, gabbed on the phone with Kristen. Picked up C from motorcycle safety, took him home and met up with J & C and baby Evan for dinner. Max had been with them for a few days over spring break, so he was with them when we met up. I missed him, being away from him for more than a day or two seems like forever. I wonder what him being in Tennessee this summer will be like? Dinner at this place in Golden was so so, actually, it was kind of gross. I'm a bit of a guacamole Nazi and this guacamole was pretty nasty, more like some sort of green sauce then guacamole...which should be thick and chunky and flavorful, not goopy and totally unappealing. Food aside, company was good and it was nice to see J & C and Baby Evan. Seems like we mostly just see each other when we are exchanging children for whatever reason, we hardly ever just hang out any more. So that was nice.

Came home, Max took a shower and passed out. C passed out and I played some computer games for a while. C woke up and we played some spades. I like that game, I think I could get good at it. I whooped C's butt my first game, so that's always a bonus considering he kicks my butt in every other game we play. Went to bed EXTREMELY early for a Saturday night, that was very nice.

Sunday:
Woke up uber early to take C to his motorcycle safety training. Again. Snapped at him again for snotty comments regarding my error in the time in which Max needed to be to the soccer field. Max wasn't at all upset, but I did mess up and have him to the field to early. Oh well, I'm only one human being - certainly it's a forgivable offense? C wasn't too perky this morning, I think we were all very tired. I know I was.

Dropped grumpy-puss off at his training and took Max out to breakfast. Went to the soccer game, which they won (woop woop) and tried to working on Kasha's socialization skills at the game...only to discover that our little princess is in heat and is essentially in another dimension at the moment. She is pretty much out of control, poor thing...she doesn't know what's happening to her and she doesn't like it I don't think. I knew it was coming, female intuition or some thing I guess and now here it is and we have to deal with it. We can't spay her in the middle of a heat cycle, so now we are looking at 2 - 4 weeks of keeping her away from other dogs (especially male!) and being patient with her as her little hormones do their thing. Great! Just what we need....MORE HORMONES at our house.

After the game I came home and watched a squishy movie ("Woman On Top") on IFC and napped some more. That was nice:) I was on call Sunday afternoon, so I spent most of the day fussing on my laptop for work, driving C & Max various places and trying really hard not to bicker with the boys....they were both driving me nuts yesterday. Sometimes, the attitude, the constant demands and requests, the "me me me" approach AND the fact that I seem to have a giant dollar sign hovering over my head REALLLY begins to wear on me. It is at these moments, when I am worn down and feeling like no one is hearing me, that I generally loose it and then I become the mean, bad guy ogre which is ultimately convenient for them b/c then they can both sit there and tell me how mean, and awful and unfair I am.

I have considered locking them both in the closet, I'm not sure yet if that constitutes a child/spousal abuse or not...I'm researching that with my attorney.

All in all, it was a great weekend...I'm pretty tired, but did finally get a really good nights sleep last night. I'm going to need it!

More To Come....

An adventurous and busy few days it's been, so much to report and reflect upon, not enough time...promise to blogg soon....until then, I leave you with this:

http://www.alternet.org/workplace/49678/

Celebrate Equinox!

Ready yourself for the lushness of spring and warm nights of summer to come!

This spring should be a lovely one in Colorado, surely a plentiful environment for bunnies to make more bunnies and columbines to bloom a'plenty.

Peace to you all, Happy Ostara!

Moody Mondays

I am exhausted today, hurt my back over the weekend some how and now basically feel useless. Feeling guilty b/c I am supposed to go to a reunion of previous CORRA coworkers this evening and don't have the energy to face the Tech Center traffic with the back thing and sit at a restaurant for 3 hours. So I'm backing out and feeling like a shit in doing so. Chance is madly scrambling to prep for his finals today, which I know he'll do fine on but he is essentially on another planet until he is done with them all. He then starts class again the week of April 1st, so he'll have a few weekends to chill...but it's Spring and time for yard work, no rest for the wicked!

I could deal with all these things, except for the following 2:

a) My Pumpkin kitty had some sort of episode on Saturday night, something that appeared to be similar to a seizure. So I spent Saturday night snuggling her and crying and trying to face the reality that I must take her to the vet and the possibility that the vet will want to put her to sleep. I am still pretty much not dealing with it, so I can't go to much more into it except to say that the complexities of this situation are enormous and it truly challenges my spirit. And it is quite painful.

b) My clients are giving me a pretty hard time when I try to take time off, as if they some how own me or can make that decision. When I contact them with an update about my schedule...I'm not ASKING. Hello! I alerted them to the fact that I'd be off this week to spend time with my Aunty (2 weeks ago I told them) they are pouting and being difficult....I also gave them a heads up about my trip to Mexico in July 2007. They've basically said a firm "No" unless I can find a back up, which like so many jobs I've had before....there is NO back up for my position. Not to this extent. I understand, both of these scheduled time off periods are around close out...but I've always worked very hard to accommodate their close out periods and the corresponding reporting that is needed. I have 2 close outs each month, both of which take up several days before and after to finalized. So about 2 weeks out of the month I work very hard not to schedule time off. But in this case, it cannot be helped. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit! If they were charged for every night and weekend hour I've worked for them, to meet their time frames which are often completely unreasonable and usually totally based on a lack of proper planning and decision making....if they'd been charged for all that extra stress....they would be complaining about billing more and more and I would have gotten a much bigger raise this past review period.

And again...I'm not ASKING.

Nancy is my boss, not them. Problem is, this puts me in a quandary with her as well because she needs me to do the job. Period. That is why I am hired, at some point...I may be promoted and moved off these projects, but for now...I am assigned to these clients and I know she looks to me to be on the ball for them. She really needs me to handle these guys, because she doesn't have time to. She knows I work hard, she knows I am on the ball. I know that I am and she knows they are often unreasonable, but the client is generally the one you want to satisfy. Nancy is also on that list, she is an excellent boss. Not to mention that Nancy is a no-nonsense kind of player, if the answer is "No" the answer is "No" to her and that's the end of it. She is reasonable, which I appreciate...but if the client throws a fit, her hands are going to be tied and she may not be able to do anything about it.

I call this the "Don't Ask, Don't Take PTO Policy" wherein I have PTO, but am not really encouraged to take it or allowed to use it. I get the idea that vacations must be planned in advance and all bases covered, historically I've been very responsible about this (I've only take one week long vacation in the 2 years I've been here) and am always sure to wrap up any loose ends...but dang, at what point does this become unfair to me and inappropriate of the client?

So, I'm feeling a little cranky at the moment...I'd rather be with my kitty.

Baby Birdies

There are baby birdies flitting about every near my work, it's very sweet. Prancing about, following their momma birdies....searching for whatever little nitpicky piece of something they might find. They made me smile today, that's always a bonus yes?

Has anyone watched "Mind Of Mencia" on Comedy Central? Goodness is that some raunchy humor, but danget if it isn't some funny stuff still. Laughing at American culture and how ridiculously racist and contradictive we are is pretty hard to ignore, if I was a comedian I'd probably pick that stuff to mock as well...it's just to open for fodder not to. It's on after Cobert so we sort of bumped into on accident, C and I were both just stared at the television and then burst into ruckus laughter. Quite funny. Then South Park came on which means I have to go to bed because I am getting old and need to be sleeping by 10:30 or 11 these days or I am essentially worthless.

I'm sorta grumpy, hormonal mostly...too much to do and not enough energy at the moment. I also have the worst case of cramps on recent record, so I'm trying to grin and bear but mostly I feel like getting violent toward those in my way (which is every one today of course, because every one is bothersome to me at the moment) or running home to cry and cuddle my dog. All that unconditional love, tail wagging and face licking is sort of hard not to look forward to. Last night we went to bed before Chance did and she spent a good portion of our in-between sleep/awake time taking up the entire bed until she was comfortable. Of course I patiently waited for her to get to sleep before I could myself get situated, I don't mind. She is my baby, I just laugh at her...turning circles, this little lump moving around under the covers sniffing my feet and popping up in random spots for air.

Work is fine, life is over all fine...Spring is on it's way and this rebirth brings a thrill to my life, I enjoy it every year...but the change of seasons bring a certain moodiness my direction. I generally ignore it, but it is a real thing for me so I sort of have to go through the motions of what ever emotion it is that gets me going when the seasons change. Fall is especially difficult for me, but Spring brings so much excitement to me that I think I get a little overly anxious.

I've got to get my big bloated butt moving to pick up Max, make a quick dinner and head to Georgia's, then we have to get home and go pick up his hardware for his next shop project. Max's schedule will be the focus of my attention besides work for several months, unit July or so. It's great stuff for him, albeit totally demanding for everyone involved, it's still forward motion and that's really good. Luckily, I've finally learned how to really say no to people...I say this b/c there have been many social aspects of life that are essentially on hold for both Chance and I and while this means that many of our friends are feeling a little put out because we can't hang out as much or watch their baby or have dinner parties, that's pretty much ok with us. One thing I know for certain in life is that when you don't do what's right for you, you loose you...you loose focus and you loose direction. Max, our home and my family are my direction and affirming this both in this blogg, but also pretty consistently with others has been really good for me. I certainly am learning allot about who's supportive and understanding of this and who is not.

Peace ya'll, love
s

Fast Food Nation

Fast Food Nation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_Food_Nation

I never did pick up this book and read it, after seeing the movie, I'm not so sure I have it in me at this point. As a vegetarian for a good portion of my life, I am fairly familiar with this information and the message that is attempting to be conveyed to the world about what what's really in the meat and the cruel steps involved in getting it from farm to plate. Certainly I have an obligation to read this book, but I'm just not sure I can read one more horrifying commentary on factory farming, torture and mass murder, environmental effects and the number of chemicals in your average fast food burger. It's pretty horrifying stuff, it's difficult for me to absorb.

However, it pleases me greatly that documentary and documentary style cinema have become increasingly popular. Surely there isn't much choice, the Mtv generation isn't going to be able to sit through the 2 and 3 hour long documentaries of 20 years ago, let alone read. The attention spans and busy life styles can only support short, quick bursts of entertaining, sensory overloading, heart wrenching, attention demanding blasts of information. Luckily, folks are getting hip to this game and more and more information is becoming more and more available to more and more audiences. Perhaps audiences that might not have the inclination otherwise to research a particular topic, such as factory farming or casein and how it effects your body or the astronomical impacts of mass produced food has on our environment. My hope would be that these audiences that have broader access to information, might become curious and take a small sample of what they saw in the movie and research it on the internet or (gasp) go to their local library and check out a book on the subject. It's encouraging, the idea of getting the message out to the world.

One area in which this movie is particularly powerful is how humanizing the stories are. I feel it brings forward how far reaching the problem is, to what scale and depth the impacts of this industry. It truly is a macro level issue, and the personal plight of each character in the movie reaches any number of us personally. If the slaughter house scenes don't move the viewer enough to consider this issue more completely, the emotional drama's might. There are a number of conversation and scenes which affected me deeply, in particular a conversation an uncle has with his 17 year old nice who works at a fast good chain in a small Colorado town. It is a message of hope and clarity, it is a message a thousand other 17 year olds living in desolate towns need to hear.

The film could have defiantly devoted more time to the governmental policies propagating this industry's total disregard for life and health It is touched on briefly, by a group of college freshmen hippy kids ready to effect change, some of that dialogue I thought was well presented and not to full of jargon so it might make sense to someone unfamiliar with the various terminologies. Over all though, the whole issue of politics in this scenario was largely ignored.

I also watched "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" http://www.ifc.com/films?aId=18019 yesterday afternoon and found it to be an interesting and well directed documentary about the cinema rating guidelines and decision makers in America. The method in which the films is produced breathes a little life into the censorship discussion and the ultimately, the back-assward priorities in American culture about sex and violence. It's also pretty entertaining and a little flashy here and there to keep us GenXer's interested long enough to possibly absorb the information, but it's not over the top. I'd say that's a good goal for those interested in the documentary scene, keeping it edgy is a good way to keep viewers focused, but keep it authentic. Don't try to bullshit your audience. We aren't the brightest stars in the sky, but going over the top and being overtly flamboyant will distract viewers and obscure the message.

Oh yes, and congratulations to Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim for sticking it to Oscar. Informing the public and getting people on board isn't about winning awards and public accolades, but it doesn't really hurt either.

Random Moments Of Clarity

In days long ago, I lived with little or no money or possessions to speak of. Familiarity with the truest form of hunger and sickness was very real. I was very alone and vulnerable in the world, literally on the edge of reaching the depths of absolute hopelessness. I experienced a humbling existence in which I had no where to live and only by the good graces of a devoted community striving to help the likes of me, did I survive. Truly, I was saved more than once by a kind heart and the loving spirit of those willing to give so much of themselves thanklessly. I didn't know anything else but to accept their help because I couldn't help myself, I was too far gone....off in some place that still exists for however many thousands of children each day in America.

Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.

For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.

The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.

But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.

What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.

The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.

Max Version 14.4

Max certainly is a fortunate young lad. His support system is truly massive. Though he may not know it now, there are a number of loving souls invested in his academic success, future and over all state of mental, spiritual and physical health. He is blessed more than he can know right now, he has more opportunity and resources than children that exist in a place he can't even know of right now, a place that does not exist to him because, really in so many ways...Max has not suffered in the ways of the world.

Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.

So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.

I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.

Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.

His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.

And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.

What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.

Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.

The Wheels On The Bus...

Go round and round, round and round.....

I fell off the bus yesterday and had dairy for breakfeast. I feel physically weighed down and something is a bit off for certain. I committed a vegan cardnal sin by eating somewhere I was pretty sure didn't have many options for me AND I was starving. So I basically set myself up for failure and today and am regretting that failure deeply. Partly because I have managed to do extremely well for several months now, but mostly because I feel sickened by the whole idea of eating those foods and like failed a cause I am committed to.

Today is a new day and I am back on the bus. I am feeling like I need to do a formal cleansing of some sort, in all my spare time I'm sure I'll be able to make THAT happen (gifaw) so I'll just recomitt my focus to what I believe is important and chug the water in hopes of flushing out my system.

Friday night Max and I went to D's play at his high school in Denver. West Side Story (Ha, Crys...thought of you! I feel pretty...oh so prettttty) perfromed by quite the high school cast. These kids are fun to watch, such talent and promise. D certainly had those dance steps down and Max was entertained for the entire performance, certainely an indicator of how captivating each scene was.

Saturday C & Max went to the art museum (free 1st sat of every month, score!) and I....what did I do? I painted my nails, took a nap....drank some wine, talked to Kristen on the phone and watched a Tupac movie I'd never seen or heard of. The boys came home and C had yet more work to do and trips to make and next thing I knew, M & H were at my door banging on it like the damn police. Normally I might mention to someone that banging on the door in such a manner is a little irritating, but it's M and he's pretty much harmless and has good intentions...so I didn't curse him for startling me. This time. Next time I might answer the door with a bucket of ice water. We'll see, guess that's his gamble:)

M & H had a party to attend and hung out for only a bit before speeding off to the next destination. They are cute, like all couples trying to work through what works for them, what their boundaries are...not to mention finding out who they are in the process. Being young and in love isn't always easy, some times sacrifices are nessisary and real life stuff eventually pops up that must be dealt with...but the whole process can teach us so much about who we are, what we want, what we don't want and being selfless.

Sunday went shopping to get Mj all set up for soccer (starts tonight, how exciting!) and did some laundry, resting...so on. C worked on school projects well into the night. Another weekend flew, but it was a fun weekend for me. The last before our weekends are loaded with soccer games and outdoor activities. SPRING is almost here - that's right! I'm sort of ready for clearing of the air, out with that stale winter stuff and in with the new summery smelling, fresh stuff!

Happy Monday All...may the wheels on your bus bring you to a place of peace.

- Content Sigh -

My Aunty came last night and is now on her way to her retreat in Red Feathers. She will have a grand time I am sure. I feel very happy and warm today. We spent the afternoon catching up, checking out the house, looking at pictures and having a meal out. I don't feel sad seeing her go today because I know I'll see her again very soon. She is wonderful spirit, she makes me feel calm and balanced. She is honest and genuine. She is someone I relate to and feel comfortable with. She held me as a baby, she knew my father, she knew my mother, she's the baby of my beloved GramE and Grandpa John. But besides all that, she's my Aunty and I love her and she makes me happy. That's a good way to be:)


Love you Aunty, enjoy yourself!