An adventurous and busy few days it's been, so much to report and reflect upon, not enough time...promise to blogg soon....until then, I leave you with this:
http://www.alternet.org/workplace/49678/
Monday, March 26, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Celebrate Equinox!
Ready yourself for the lushness of spring and warm nights of summer to come!
This spring should be a lovely one in Colorado, surely a plentiful environment for bunnies to make more bunnies and columbines to bloom a'plenty.
Peace to you all, Happy Ostara!
This spring should be a lovely one in Colorado, surely a plentiful environment for bunnies to make more bunnies and columbines to bloom a'plenty.
Peace to you all, Happy Ostara!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Moody Mondays
I am exhausted today, hurt my back over the weekend some how and now basically feel useless. Feeling guilty b/c I am supposed to go to a reunion of previous CORRA coworkers this evening and don't have the energy to face the Tech Center traffic with the back thing and sit at a restaurant for 3 hours. So I'm backing out and feeling like a shit in doing so. Chance is madly scrambling to prep for his finals today, which I know he'll do fine on but he is essentially on another planet until he is done with them all. He then starts class again the week of April 1st, so he'll have a few weekends to chill...but it's Spring and time for yard work, no rest for the wicked!
I could deal with all these things, except for the following 2:
a) My Pumpkin kitty had some sort of episode on Saturday night, something that appeared to be similar to a seizure. So I spent Saturday night snuggling her and crying and trying to face the reality that I must take her to the vet and the possibility that the vet will want to put her to sleep. I am still pretty much not dealing with it, so I can't go to much more into it except to say that the complexities of this situation are enormous and it truly challenges my spirit. And it is quite painful.
b) My clients are giving me a pretty hard time when I try to take time off, as if they some how own me or can make that decision. When I contact them with an update about my schedule...I'm not ASKING. Hello! I alerted them to the fact that I'd be off this week to spend time with my Aunty (2 weeks ago I told them) they are pouting and being difficult....I also gave them a heads up about my trip to Mexico in July 2007. They've basically said a firm "No" unless I can find a back up, which like so many jobs I've had before....there is NO back up for my position. Not to this extent. I understand, both of these scheduled time off periods are around close out...but I've always worked very hard to accommodate their close out periods and the corresponding reporting that is needed. I have 2 close outs each month, both of which take up several days before and after to finalized. So about 2 weeks out of the month I work very hard not to schedule time off. But in this case, it cannot be helped. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit! If they were charged for every night and weekend hour I've worked for them, to meet their time frames which are often completely unreasonable and usually totally based on a lack of proper planning and decision making....if they'd been charged for all that extra stress....they would be complaining about billing more and more and I would have gotten a much bigger raise this past review period.
And again...I'm not ASKING.
Nancy is my boss, not them. Problem is, this puts me in a quandary with her as well because she needs me to do the job. Period. That is why I am hired, at some point...I may be promoted and moved off these projects, but for now...I am assigned to these clients and I know she looks to me to be on the ball for them. She really needs me to handle these guys, because she doesn't have time to. She knows I work hard, she knows I am on the ball. I know that I am and she knows they are often unreasonable, but the client is generally the one you want to satisfy. Nancy is also on that list, she is an excellent boss. Not to mention that Nancy is a no-nonsense kind of player, if the answer is "No" the answer is "No" to her and that's the end of it. She is reasonable, which I appreciate...but if the client throws a fit, her hands are going to be tied and she may not be able to do anything about it.
I call this the "Don't Ask, Don't Take PTO Policy" wherein I have PTO, but am not really encouraged to take it or allowed to use it. I get the idea that vacations must be planned in advance and all bases covered, historically I've been very responsible about this (I've only take one week long vacation in the 2 years I've been here) and am always sure to wrap up any loose ends...but dang, at what point does this become unfair to me and inappropriate of the client?
So, I'm feeling a little cranky at the moment...I'd rather be with my kitty.
I could deal with all these things, except for the following 2:
a) My Pumpkin kitty had some sort of episode on Saturday night, something that appeared to be similar to a seizure. So I spent Saturday night snuggling her and crying and trying to face the reality that I must take her to the vet and the possibility that the vet will want to put her to sleep. I am still pretty much not dealing with it, so I can't go to much more into it except to say that the complexities of this situation are enormous and it truly challenges my spirit. And it is quite painful.
b) My clients are giving me a pretty hard time when I try to take time off, as if they some how own me or can make that decision. When I contact them with an update about my schedule...I'm not ASKING. Hello! I alerted them to the fact that I'd be off this week to spend time with my Aunty (2 weeks ago I told them) they are pouting and being difficult....I also gave them a heads up about my trip to Mexico in July 2007. They've basically said a firm "No" unless I can find a back up, which like so many jobs I've had before....there is NO back up for my position. Not to this extent. I understand, both of these scheduled time off periods are around close out...but I've always worked very hard to accommodate their close out periods and the corresponding reporting that is needed. I have 2 close outs each month, both of which take up several days before and after to finalized. So about 2 weeks out of the month I work very hard not to schedule time off. But in this case, it cannot be helped. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit! If they were charged for every night and weekend hour I've worked for them, to meet their time frames which are often completely unreasonable and usually totally based on a lack of proper planning and decision making....if they'd been charged for all that extra stress....they would be complaining about billing more and more and I would have gotten a much bigger raise this past review period.
And again...I'm not ASKING.
Nancy is my boss, not them. Problem is, this puts me in a quandary with her as well because she needs me to do the job. Period. That is why I am hired, at some point...I may be promoted and moved off these projects, but for now...I am assigned to these clients and I know she looks to me to be on the ball for them. She really needs me to handle these guys, because she doesn't have time to. She knows I work hard, she knows I am on the ball. I know that I am and she knows they are often unreasonable, but the client is generally the one you want to satisfy. Nancy is also on that list, she is an excellent boss. Not to mention that Nancy is a no-nonsense kind of player, if the answer is "No" the answer is "No" to her and that's the end of it. She is reasonable, which I appreciate...but if the client throws a fit, her hands are going to be tied and she may not be able to do anything about it.
I call this the "Don't Ask, Don't Take PTO Policy" wherein I have PTO, but am not really encouraged to take it or allowed to use it. I get the idea that vacations must be planned in advance and all bases covered, historically I've been very responsible about this (I've only take one week long vacation in the 2 years I've been here) and am always sure to wrap up any loose ends...but dang, at what point does this become unfair to me and inappropriate of the client?
So, I'm feeling a little cranky at the moment...I'd rather be with my kitty.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Baby Birdies
There are baby birdies flitting about every near my work, it's very sweet. Prancing about, following their momma birdies....searching for whatever little nitpicky piece of something they might find. They made me smile today, that's always a bonus yes?
Has anyone watched "Mind Of Mencia" on Comedy Central? Goodness is that some raunchy humor, but danget if it isn't some funny stuff still. Laughing at American culture and how ridiculously racist and contradictive we are is pretty hard to ignore, if I was a comedian I'd probably pick that stuff to mock as well...it's just to open for fodder not to. It's on after Cobert so we sort of bumped into on accident, C and I were both just stared at the television and then burst into ruckus laughter. Quite funny. Then South Park came on which means I have to go to bed because I am getting old and need to be sleeping by 10:30 or 11 these days or I am essentially worthless.
I'm sorta grumpy, hormonal mostly...too much to do and not enough energy at the moment. I also have the worst case of cramps on recent record, so I'm trying to grin and bear but mostly I feel like getting violent toward those in my way (which is every one today of course, because every one is bothersome to me at the moment) or running home to cry and cuddle my dog. All that unconditional love, tail wagging and face licking is sort of hard not to look forward to. Last night we went to bed before Chance did and she spent a good portion of our in-between sleep/awake time taking up the entire bed until she was comfortable. Of course I patiently waited for her to get to sleep before I could myself get situated, I don't mind. She is my baby, I just laugh at her...turning circles, this little lump moving around under the covers sniffing my feet and popping up in random spots for air.
Work is fine, life is over all fine...Spring is on it's way and this rebirth brings a thrill to my life, I enjoy it every year...but the change of seasons bring a certain moodiness my direction. I generally ignore it, but it is a real thing for me so I sort of have to go through the motions of what ever emotion it is that gets me going when the seasons change. Fall is especially difficult for me, but Spring brings so much excitement to me that I think I get a little overly anxious.
I've got to get my big bloated butt moving to pick up Max, make a quick dinner and head to Georgia's, then we have to get home and go pick up his hardware for his next shop project. Max's schedule will be the focus of my attention besides work for several months, unit July or so. It's great stuff for him, albeit totally demanding for everyone involved, it's still forward motion and that's really good. Luckily, I've finally learned how to really say no to people...I say this b/c there have been many social aspects of life that are essentially on hold for both Chance and I and while this means that many of our friends are feeling a little put out because we can't hang out as much or watch their baby or have dinner parties, that's pretty much ok with us. One thing I know for certain in life is that when you don't do what's right for you, you loose you...you loose focus and you loose direction. Max, our home and my family are my direction and affirming this both in this blogg, but also pretty consistently with others has been really good for me. I certainly am learning allot about who's supportive and understanding of this and who is not.
Peace ya'll, love
s
Has anyone watched "Mind Of Mencia" on Comedy Central? Goodness is that some raunchy humor, but danget if it isn't some funny stuff still. Laughing at American culture and how ridiculously racist and contradictive we are is pretty hard to ignore, if I was a comedian I'd probably pick that stuff to mock as well...it's just to open for fodder not to. It's on after Cobert so we sort of bumped into on accident, C and I were both just stared at the television and then burst into ruckus laughter. Quite funny. Then South Park came on which means I have to go to bed because I am getting old and need to be sleeping by 10:30 or 11 these days or I am essentially worthless.
I'm sorta grumpy, hormonal mostly...too much to do and not enough energy at the moment. I also have the worst case of cramps on recent record, so I'm trying to grin and bear but mostly I feel like getting violent toward those in my way (which is every one today of course, because every one is bothersome to me at the moment) or running home to cry and cuddle my dog. All that unconditional love, tail wagging and face licking is sort of hard not to look forward to. Last night we went to bed before Chance did and she spent a good portion of our in-between sleep/awake time taking up the entire bed until she was comfortable. Of course I patiently waited for her to get to sleep before I could myself get situated, I don't mind. She is my baby, I just laugh at her...turning circles, this little lump moving around under the covers sniffing my feet and popping up in random spots for air.
Work is fine, life is over all fine...Spring is on it's way and this rebirth brings a thrill to my life, I enjoy it every year...but the change of seasons bring a certain moodiness my direction. I generally ignore it, but it is a real thing for me so I sort of have to go through the motions of what ever emotion it is that gets me going when the seasons change. Fall is especially difficult for me, but Spring brings so much excitement to me that I think I get a little overly anxious.
I've got to get my big bloated butt moving to pick up Max, make a quick dinner and head to Georgia's, then we have to get home and go pick up his hardware for his next shop project. Max's schedule will be the focus of my attention besides work for several months, unit July or so. It's great stuff for him, albeit totally demanding for everyone involved, it's still forward motion and that's really good. Luckily, I've finally learned how to really say no to people...I say this b/c there have been many social aspects of life that are essentially on hold for both Chance and I and while this means that many of our friends are feeling a little put out because we can't hang out as much or watch their baby or have dinner parties, that's pretty much ok with us. One thing I know for certain in life is that when you don't do what's right for you, you loose you...you loose focus and you loose direction. Max, our home and my family are my direction and affirming this both in this blogg, but also pretty consistently with others has been really good for me. I certainly am learning allot about who's supportive and understanding of this and who is not.
Peace ya'll, love
s
Monday, March 12, 2007
Fast Food Nation
Fast Food Nation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_Food_Nation
I never did pick up this book and read it, after seeing the movie, I'm not so sure I have it in me at this point. As a vegetarian for a good portion of my life, I am fairly familiar with this information and the message that is attempting to be conveyed to the world about what what's really in the meat and the cruel steps involved in getting it from farm to plate. Certainly I have an obligation to read this book, but I'm just not sure I can read one more horrifying commentary on factory farming, torture and mass murder, environmental effects and the number of chemicals in your average fast food burger. It's pretty horrifying stuff, it's difficult for me to absorb.
However, it pleases me greatly that documentary and documentary style cinema have become increasingly popular. Surely there isn't much choice, the Mtv generation isn't going to be able to sit through the 2 and 3 hour long documentaries of 20 years ago, let alone read. The attention spans and busy life styles can only support short, quick bursts of entertaining, sensory overloading, heart wrenching, attention demanding blasts of information. Luckily, folks are getting hip to this game and more and more information is becoming more and more available to more and more audiences. Perhaps audiences that might not have the inclination otherwise to research a particular topic, such as factory farming or casein and how it effects your body or the astronomical impacts of mass produced food has on our environment. My hope would be that these audiences that have broader access to information, might become curious and take a small sample of what they saw in the movie and research it on the internet or (gasp) go to their local library and check out a book on the subject. It's encouraging, the idea of getting the message out to the world.
One area in which this movie is particularly powerful is how humanizing the stories are. I feel it brings forward how far reaching the problem is, to what scale and depth the impacts of this industry. It truly is a macro level issue, and the personal plight of each character in the movie reaches any number of us personally. If the slaughter house scenes don't move the viewer enough to consider this issue more completely, the emotional drama's might. There are a number of conversation and scenes which affected me deeply, in particular a conversation an uncle has with his 17 year old nice who works at a fast good chain in a small Colorado town. It is a message of hope and clarity, it is a message a thousand other 17 year olds living in desolate towns need to hear.
The film could have defiantly devoted more time to the governmental policies propagating this industry's total disregard for life and health It is touched on briefly, by a group of college freshmen hippy kids ready to effect change, some of that dialogue I thought was well presented and not to full of jargon so it might make sense to someone unfamiliar with the various terminologies. Over all though, the whole issue of politics in this scenario was largely ignored.
I also watched "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" http://www.ifc.com/films?aId=18019 yesterday afternoon and found it to be an interesting and well directed documentary about the cinema rating guidelines and decision makers in America. The method in which the films is produced breathes a little life into the censorship discussion and the ultimately, the back-assward priorities in American culture about sex and violence. It's also pretty entertaining and a little flashy here and there to keep us GenXer's interested long enough to possibly absorb the information, but it's not over the top. I'd say that's a good goal for those interested in the documentary scene, keeping it edgy is a good way to keep viewers focused, but keep it authentic. Don't try to bullshit your audience. We aren't the brightest stars in the sky, but going over the top and being overtly flamboyant will distract viewers and obscure the message.
Oh yes, and congratulations to Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim for sticking it to Oscar. Informing the public and getting people on board isn't about winning awards and public accolades, but it doesn't really hurt either.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_Food_Nation
I never did pick up this book and read it, after seeing the movie, I'm not so sure I have it in me at this point. As a vegetarian for a good portion of my life, I am fairly familiar with this information and the message that is attempting to be conveyed to the world about what what's really in the meat and the cruel steps involved in getting it from farm to plate. Certainly I have an obligation to read this book, but I'm just not sure I can read one more horrifying commentary on factory farming, torture and mass murder, environmental effects and the number of chemicals in your average fast food burger. It's pretty horrifying stuff, it's difficult for me to absorb.
However, it pleases me greatly that documentary and documentary style cinema have become increasingly popular. Surely there isn't much choice, the Mtv generation isn't going to be able to sit through the 2 and 3 hour long documentaries of 20 years ago, let alone read. The attention spans and busy life styles can only support short, quick bursts of entertaining, sensory overloading, heart wrenching, attention demanding blasts of information. Luckily, folks are getting hip to this game and more and more information is becoming more and more available to more and more audiences. Perhaps audiences that might not have the inclination otherwise to research a particular topic, such as factory farming or casein and how it effects your body or the astronomical impacts of mass produced food has on our environment. My hope would be that these audiences that have broader access to information, might become curious and take a small sample of what they saw in the movie and research it on the internet or (gasp) go to their local library and check out a book on the subject. It's encouraging, the idea of getting the message out to the world.
One area in which this movie is particularly powerful is how humanizing the stories are. I feel it brings forward how far reaching the problem is, to what scale and depth the impacts of this industry. It truly is a macro level issue, and the personal plight of each character in the movie reaches any number of us personally. If the slaughter house scenes don't move the viewer enough to consider this issue more completely, the emotional drama's might. There are a number of conversation and scenes which affected me deeply, in particular a conversation an uncle has with his 17 year old nice who works at a fast good chain in a small Colorado town. It is a message of hope and clarity, it is a message a thousand other 17 year olds living in desolate towns need to hear.
The film could have defiantly devoted more time to the governmental policies propagating this industry's total disregard for life and health It is touched on briefly, by a group of college freshmen hippy kids ready to effect change, some of that dialogue I thought was well presented and not to full of jargon so it might make sense to someone unfamiliar with the various terminologies. Over all though, the whole issue of politics in this scenario was largely ignored.
I also watched "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" http://www.ifc.com/films?aId=18019 yesterday afternoon and found it to be an interesting and well directed documentary about the cinema rating guidelines and decision makers in America. The method in which the films is produced breathes a little life into the censorship discussion and the ultimately, the back-assward priorities in American culture about sex and violence. It's also pretty entertaining and a little flashy here and there to keep us GenXer's interested long enough to possibly absorb the information, but it's not over the top. I'd say that's a good goal for those interested in the documentary scene, keeping it edgy is a good way to keep viewers focused, but keep it authentic. Don't try to bullshit your audience. We aren't the brightest stars in the sky, but going over the top and being overtly flamboyant will distract viewers and obscure the message.
Oh yes, and congratulations to Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim for sticking it to Oscar. Informing the public and getting people on board isn't about winning awards and public accolades, but it doesn't really hurt either.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Random Moments Of Clarity
In days long ago, I lived with little or no money or possessions to speak of. Familiarity with the truest form of hunger and sickness was very real. I was very alone and vulnerable in the world, literally on the edge of reaching the depths of absolute hopelessness. I experienced a humbling existence in which I had no where to live and only by the good graces of a devoted community striving to help the likes of me, did I survive. Truly, I was saved more than once by a kind heart and the loving spirit of those willing to give so much of themselves thanklessly. I didn't know anything else but to accept their help because I couldn't help myself, I was too far gone....off in some place that still exists for however many thousands of children each day in America.
Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.
For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.
The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.
But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.
What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.
The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.
Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.
For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.
The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.
But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.
What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.
The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Max Version 14.4
Max certainly is a fortunate young lad. His support system is truly massive. Though he may not know it now, there are a number of loving souls invested in his academic success, future and over all state of mental, spiritual and physical health. He is blessed more than he can know right now, he has more opportunity and resources than children that exist in a place he can't even know of right now, a place that does not exist to him because, really in so many ways...Max has not suffered in the ways of the world.
Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.
So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.
I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.
Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.
His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.
And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.
What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.
Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.
Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.
So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.
I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.
Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.
His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.
And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.
What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.
Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.
Monday, March 05, 2007
The Wheels On The Bus...
Go round and round, round and round.....
I fell off the bus yesterday and had dairy for breakfeast. I feel physically weighed down and something is a bit off for certain. I committed a vegan cardnal sin by eating somewhere I was pretty sure didn't have many options for me AND I was starving. So I basically set myself up for failure and today and am regretting that failure deeply. Partly because I have managed to do extremely well for several months now, but mostly because I feel sickened by the whole idea of eating those foods and like failed a cause I am committed to.
Today is a new day and I am back on the bus. I am feeling like I need to do a formal cleansing of some sort, in all my spare time I'm sure I'll be able to make THAT happen (gifaw) so I'll just recomitt my focus to what I believe is important and chug the water in hopes of flushing out my system.
Friday night Max and I went to D's play at his high school in Denver. West Side Story (Ha, Crys...thought of you! I feel pretty...oh so prettttty) perfromed by quite the high school cast. These kids are fun to watch, such talent and promise. D certainly had those dance steps down and Max was entertained for the entire performance, certainely an indicator of how captivating each scene was.
Saturday C & Max went to the art museum (free 1st sat of every month, score!) and I....what did I do? I painted my nails, took a nap....drank some wine, talked to Kristen on the phone and watched a Tupac movie I'd never seen or heard of. The boys came home and C had yet more work to do and trips to make and next thing I knew, M & H were at my door banging on it like the damn police. Normally I might mention to someone that banging on the door in such a manner is a little irritating, but it's M and he's pretty much harmless and has good intentions...so I didn't curse him for startling me. This time. Next time I might answer the door with a bucket of ice water. We'll see, guess that's his gamble:)
M & H had a party to attend and hung out for only a bit before speeding off to the next destination. They are cute, like all couples trying to work through what works for them, what their boundaries are...not to mention finding out who they are in the process. Being young and in love isn't always easy, some times sacrifices are nessisary and real life stuff eventually pops up that must be dealt with...but the whole process can teach us so much about who we are, what we want, what we don't want and being selfless.
Sunday went shopping to get Mj all set up for soccer (starts tonight, how exciting!) and did some laundry, resting...so on. C worked on school projects well into the night. Another weekend flew, but it was a fun weekend for me. The last before our weekends are loaded with soccer games and outdoor activities. SPRING is almost here - that's right! I'm sort of ready for clearing of the air, out with that stale winter stuff and in with the new summery smelling, fresh stuff!
Happy Monday All...may the wheels on your bus bring you to a place of peace.
I fell off the bus yesterday and had dairy for breakfeast. I feel physically weighed down and something is a bit off for certain. I committed a vegan cardnal sin by eating somewhere I was pretty sure didn't have many options for me AND I was starving. So I basically set myself up for failure and today and am regretting that failure deeply. Partly because I have managed to do extremely well for several months now, but mostly because I feel sickened by the whole idea of eating those foods and like failed a cause I am committed to.
Today is a new day and I am back on the bus. I am feeling like I need to do a formal cleansing of some sort, in all my spare time I'm sure I'll be able to make THAT happen (gifaw) so I'll just recomitt my focus to what I believe is important and chug the water in hopes of flushing out my system.
Friday night Max and I went to D's play at his high school in Denver. West Side Story (Ha, Crys...thought of you! I feel pretty...oh so prettttty) perfromed by quite the high school cast. These kids are fun to watch, such talent and promise. D certainly had those dance steps down and Max was entertained for the entire performance, certainely an indicator of how captivating each scene was.
Saturday C & Max went to the art museum (free 1st sat of every month, score!) and I....what did I do? I painted my nails, took a nap....drank some wine, talked to Kristen on the phone and watched a Tupac movie I'd never seen or heard of. The boys came home and C had yet more work to do and trips to make and next thing I knew, M & H were at my door banging on it like the damn police. Normally I might mention to someone that banging on the door in such a manner is a little irritating, but it's M and he's pretty much harmless and has good intentions...so I didn't curse him for startling me. This time. Next time I might answer the door with a bucket of ice water. We'll see, guess that's his gamble:)
M & H had a party to attend and hung out for only a bit before speeding off to the next destination. They are cute, like all couples trying to work through what works for them, what their boundaries are...not to mention finding out who they are in the process. Being young and in love isn't always easy, some times sacrifices are nessisary and real life stuff eventually pops up that must be dealt with...but the whole process can teach us so much about who we are, what we want, what we don't want and being selfless.
Sunday went shopping to get Mj all set up for soccer (starts tonight, how exciting!) and did some laundry, resting...so on. C worked on school projects well into the night. Another weekend flew, but it was a fun weekend for me. The last before our weekends are loaded with soccer games and outdoor activities. SPRING is almost here - that's right! I'm sort of ready for clearing of the air, out with that stale winter stuff and in with the new summery smelling, fresh stuff!
Happy Monday All...may the wheels on your bus bring you to a place of peace.
Friday, March 02, 2007
- Content Sigh -
My Aunty came last night and is now on her way to her retreat in Red Feathers. She will have a grand time I am sure. I feel very happy and warm today. We spent the afternoon catching up, checking out the house, looking at pictures and having a meal out. I don't feel sad seeing her go today because I know I'll see her again very soon. She is wonderful spirit, she makes me feel calm and balanced. She is honest and genuine. She is someone I relate to and feel comfortable with. She held me as a baby, she knew my father, she knew my mother, she's the baby of my beloved GramE and Grandpa John. But besides all that, she's my Aunty and I love her and she makes me happy. That's a good way to be:)
Love you Aunty, enjoy yourself!
Love you Aunty, enjoy yourself!
Monday, February 26, 2007
My Aunty Is Coming, My Aunty Is Coming!
My Aunty Mary Beth phoned Saturday morning (after numerous attempts to reach me the night before, we were out celebrating C's bday and I didn't check messages until the next day) to tell me she was coming to Colorado for Buddhist retreat and would have a window of visit time as she comes in and as she leaves. YAY AUNTY MB! My boss lady is cool with it, so I'll be able to leave early and spend time with her on March 1st and March 22nd (too and fro) and I am so happy she was able to make it all work in terms of flights and what not!
WOOP WOOP!
Made my entire weekend. I have been so excited since I talked to her. My Aunty Mary Beth so rocks, she is one of my favorite people and every time I see her I feel good and better and like I belong somewhere.
I can't wait to show her my house (which sometimes resembles a zoo, but that's ok) and my car and my wonderful guys:) Seeing Max is going to floor her, she has some experience with teenage boys due the many siblings she has, but.....still, it's pretty shocking to me, imagine if you hadn't seen him for 3 years! Whoa. Plus, I know she'll love the cats and the Kasha.
Oh did I mention we found a new home for Mr. Wiggles? For this, I am thankful to the Hamster Gods b/c Mr. Wiggles and Kasha puppy were in serious conflict. Luckily, Mr. Wiggles went to a new family who is very into hamsters and has lots of experience with them AND they live up the street so I get weekly reports on his condition and state of affairs, which brightens my day as well to know he is happy and Kasha is going in neurotic circles.
As you can imagine, I am very excited to see my Aunty and I can't wait for her to get here. Her visit has almost made me forget about this horrendous cold I've come down with, how broke I am and my impending dental procedures. Those things all suck, my Aunty MB is wicked cool so I'll think about her and not that stuff;)
YAY Aunty MB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOP WOOP!
Made my entire weekend. I have been so excited since I talked to her. My Aunty Mary Beth so rocks, she is one of my favorite people and every time I see her I feel good and better and like I belong somewhere.
I can't wait to show her my house (which sometimes resembles a zoo, but that's ok) and my car and my wonderful guys:) Seeing Max is going to floor her, she has some experience with teenage boys due the many siblings she has, but.....still, it's pretty shocking to me, imagine if you hadn't seen him for 3 years! Whoa. Plus, I know she'll love the cats and the Kasha.
Oh did I mention we found a new home for Mr. Wiggles? For this, I am thankful to the Hamster Gods b/c Mr. Wiggles and Kasha puppy were in serious conflict. Luckily, Mr. Wiggles went to a new family who is very into hamsters and has lots of experience with them AND they live up the street so I get weekly reports on his condition and state of affairs, which brightens my day as well to know he is happy and Kasha is going in neurotic circles.
As you can imagine, I am very excited to see my Aunty and I can't wait for her to get here. Her visit has almost made me forget about this horrendous cold I've come down with, how broke I am and my impending dental procedures. Those things all suck, my Aunty MB is wicked cool so I'll think about her and not that stuff;)
YAY Aunty MB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 23, 2007
February 23rd 2007 (4:15 AM)
~ Bang ~ Thump-ump-ump-mp-p
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. DAD...wake up!)
Chance:
"Did you hear that?"
Sarah:
"Yes."
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. Yawwwn....but I'm tired)
Chance:
"What was it?"
Sarah:
"I don't know, go check!"
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. crawling back under covers)
Chance checks on possible intruder.
Sarah turns over to go back to sleep.
Chance returns.
Kasha:
Roowwwweeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr (Kasha makes her stretchy noise and passes out)
Chance:
"Your tree is destroyed?"
Sarah:
"WHAT? Which one?"
Chance:
"The one on the entertainment center."
Sarah:
"Oooooh, those cats. That sucks, Kristen gave me that as birthday present years ago. I bet it was Gaia." (Gai is "Chances" cat)
Chance:
"No way, it was Pumpkin. She was looking very guilty when I came downstairs to check." (Pumpkin is "my" cat)
Sarah:
"I doubt it, Gaia has been really bratty lately. I bet it was Gaia."
Chance:
"No, Gaia was sitting at the top of the steps wondering what was going on. I bet Pumpkin work her up with all that nonsense."
Sarah:
"It was Gaia. I'm sure of it."
Chance:
"It was Pumpkin, your cat was probably trying to eat it or something."
Kasha:
More noises and movement from the end of the bed, under the sheets...cold nose on my foot.
Sarah:
"It was Gaia." (have to get in the last word)
So much for our vicious attack dog. It's good to know that Kasha has our back, next time we leave the house our minds can rest easy that should a burglar ever decide to invade our home, Kasha will bark diligently and then pass out.
For the record....Pumpkin Cat is a tree/plant eater. She has been since she was a kitten, but she doesn't usually tip them over. So it probably was Gaia, since she is a fatty mcfat cat. She's HUGE.....Chance calls it winter weight. I call it lazy cat fat syndrome. And Gaia has been being really mean to me lately, yesterday she tried to swat at me coming down the stairs. Chance thinks its funny and she's trying to 'play' This cat doesn't play, she means business and she is a vicious, terrifying creature.
:)
Happy Birthday Chance!
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. DAD...wake up!)
Chance:
"Did you hear that?"
Sarah:
"Yes."
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. Yawwwn....but I'm tired)
Chance:
"What was it?"
Sarah:
"I don't know, go check!"
Kasha:
Woof. Ruff. Woof. Ruff. (short little barks, something is amiss. crawling back under covers)
Chance checks on possible intruder.
Sarah turns over to go back to sleep.
Chance returns.
Kasha:
Roowwwweeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr (Kasha makes her stretchy noise and passes out)
Chance:
"Your tree is destroyed?"
Sarah:
"WHAT? Which one?"
Chance:
"The one on the entertainment center."
Sarah:
"Oooooh, those cats. That sucks, Kristen gave me that as birthday present years ago. I bet it was Gaia." (Gai is "Chances" cat)
Chance:
"No way, it was Pumpkin. She was looking very guilty when I came downstairs to check." (Pumpkin is "my" cat)
Sarah:
"I doubt it, Gaia has been really bratty lately. I bet it was Gaia."
Chance:
"No, Gaia was sitting at the top of the steps wondering what was going on. I bet Pumpkin work her up with all that nonsense."
Sarah:
"It was Gaia. I'm sure of it."
Chance:
"It was Pumpkin, your cat was probably trying to eat it or something."
Kasha:
More noises and movement from the end of the bed, under the sheets...cold nose on my foot.
Sarah:
"It was Gaia." (have to get in the last word)
So much for our vicious attack dog. It's good to know that Kasha has our back, next time we leave the house our minds can rest easy that should a burglar ever decide to invade our home, Kasha will bark diligently and then pass out.
For the record....Pumpkin Cat is a tree/plant eater. She has been since she was a kitten, but she doesn't usually tip them over. So it probably was Gaia, since she is a fatty mcfat cat. She's HUGE.....Chance calls it winter weight. I call it lazy cat fat syndrome. And Gaia has been being really mean to me lately, yesterday she tried to swat at me coming down the stairs. Chance thinks its funny and she's trying to 'play' This cat doesn't play, she means business and she is a vicious, terrifying creature.
:)
Happy Birthday Chance!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Mega Squids
There was a squid discovery in New Zealand today that broke the records, wicked cool!
http://www.topix.net/content/ap/0759068941284529328508078016111732706341?threadid=CNFIFCQ2IBDB75NS
I LOVE squids....they are ginormous and alien and have HUGE eye balls. I wish they didn't have to be dead for people to find the really big ones....but the ocean works that way, it washes up what it is done with and moves on. And seeing that I currently don't have the power to form gills out of my lungs, I doubt I'll ever get to see one in this life time in it's natural habitat. So I guess I have to settle for the dead ones. But maybe we can grow gills, if you try real hard and they just pop out? I always thought something like that MUST be possible if you put enough energy into it? Like in those cartoons when they think real hard and their heads pop off? :) I don't want to pop my head off though, or anyone else's really....
GramE sent me this book a while back, "The Highest Tide" I LOVED it. I plan to give it to Max to read, but he's reading a Clive Cussler book at the moment about the military. He's pretty interested in war and blowing stuff up. Apparently the total mass of testosterone is directly proportionate to the quantity of desired explosives?
Anyhow...in that book, a young lad discovers a giant squid and describes his discovery in detail.
I wonder if that's how these guys felt, finding this enormous creature....funny how our planet seems so destined to die, doom and gloom seems eminent and then....new things are found, from a deep and dark place we cannot know yet. I'd like to think something like global warming is not the reason we are finding this sort of thing, I guess that's possible...but I try to be positive, otherwise I cry about it.
Sorry, it's my mood today. I'm sort of in and out of it, ah well...what do you do?
I should go, time to shove off....
http://www.topix.net/content/ap/0759068941284529328508078016111732706341?threadid=CNFIFCQ2IBDB75NS
I LOVE squids....they are ginormous and alien and have HUGE eye balls. I wish they didn't have to be dead for people to find the really big ones....but the ocean works that way, it washes up what it is done with and moves on. And seeing that I currently don't have the power to form gills out of my lungs, I doubt I'll ever get to see one in this life time in it's natural habitat. So I guess I have to settle for the dead ones. But maybe we can grow gills, if you try real hard and they just pop out? I always thought something like that MUST be possible if you put enough energy into it? Like in those cartoons when they think real hard and their heads pop off? :) I don't want to pop my head off though, or anyone else's really....
GramE sent me this book a while back, "The Highest Tide" I LOVED it. I plan to give it to Max to read, but he's reading a Clive Cussler book at the moment about the military. He's pretty interested in war and blowing stuff up. Apparently the total mass of testosterone is directly proportionate to the quantity of desired explosives?
Anyhow...in that book, a young lad discovers a giant squid and describes his discovery in detail.
I wonder if that's how these guys felt, finding this enormous creature....funny how our planet seems so destined to die, doom and gloom seems eminent and then....new things are found, from a deep and dark place we cannot know yet. I'd like to think something like global warming is not the reason we are finding this sort of thing, I guess that's possible...but I try to be positive, otherwise I cry about it.
Sorry, it's my mood today. I'm sort of in and out of it, ah well...what do you do?
I should go, time to shove off....
My Beautiful Baby Jetta
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I am so happy she's back. AND AND AND.....next Monday, she's going to the shop to patch up that busted up bumper (stoopid snowbank) and dented drivers side rocker arm (BAD SNOW BANK!) So soon, she'll be in tippy top shape. All pretty and beautiful again....woop. AND...all that is left is to get those running lights fixed and get an oil change. woop woop, then she'll be the happiest Baby Jetta EVER! This summer, I am hoping to put in some new speakers....she'll be so happy then. Then we cruise the boulevard, both looking hot and sounding so good with the sun roof open and the windows down...bumping to beats of Mangoliciousness. YAY Baby Jetta and Mango!
Is it ok to love a vehicle THIS much? I'm going to go ahead and say "Heck yeah!" I know a few others ladies in my life who can fully appreciate giant hunks of metal that hurtle you down the highway that bump your favorite tunes and are a whole lotta fun to drive. Foxy Lady comes to mind. And K's beast of a truck...and Colleen, she drives this insane massive truck as well. Little girls, BIG trucks! I am personally a big girl who likes fast cars, but to each his own yes?
I should get back to work. I am swamped and not as focused as I could be. Way too much on mind, most involving the all might dollar and trying to make it stretch and last to it's fullest. I'm thinking of picking up some kind of weekend work...we'll see, like my life isn't already complicated right?
Also, tomorrow is a big big day for my honey bunny! YAY C:)
Peace,
S
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I love my car.
I am so happy she's back. AND AND AND.....next Monday, she's going to the shop to patch up that busted up bumper (stoopid snowbank) and dented drivers side rocker arm (BAD SNOW BANK!) So soon, she'll be in tippy top shape. All pretty and beautiful again....woop. AND...all that is left is to get those running lights fixed and get an oil change. woop woop, then she'll be the happiest Baby Jetta EVER! This summer, I am hoping to put in some new speakers....she'll be so happy then. Then we cruise the boulevard, both looking hot and sounding so good with the sun roof open and the windows down...bumping to beats of Mangoliciousness. YAY Baby Jetta and Mango!
Is it ok to love a vehicle THIS much? I'm going to go ahead and say "Heck yeah!" I know a few others ladies in my life who can fully appreciate giant hunks of metal that hurtle you down the highway that bump your favorite tunes and are a whole lotta fun to drive. Foxy Lady comes to mind. And K's beast of a truck...and Colleen, she drives this insane massive truck as well. Little girls, BIG trucks! I am personally a big girl who likes fast cars, but to each his own yes?
I should get back to work. I am swamped and not as focused as I could be. Way too much on mind, most involving the all might dollar and trying to make it stretch and last to it's fullest. I'm thinking of picking up some kind of weekend work...we'll see, like my life isn't already complicated right?
Also, tomorrow is a big big day for my honey bunny! YAY C:)
Peace,
S
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Let The Games Begin
Spring soccer starts for big man in a few weeks. 3 practices a week, 1 - 2 games during the weekend. From March through July it's on like Donkey Kong. The spring will blow by us in a blur. I'm excited though, this will be his last season before going Jr. Varsity next year in High School. My bebe is going to be playing big boy soccer soon with big boys at big boy school. sniff.
Chance and I have been experiencing an inordinate amount of stress these past few weeks due to car difficulties, work related stress, some minor issues with a few people in our lives, school (both C & Mj), illness and of course, the ever present financial dramas. My only current focus is getting my dang car back. Hopefully today. Dentist appointment for Max will prob have to be cancelled, oh well...it is what it is. He'll be disappointed, silly child LIKES the dentist. I cannot fathom this.
Anywho...due to this stress we have decided to hibernate and focus on our priorities. This probably sounds easier than it really is for us sometimes. We are both guilty of procrastination, distraction and the occasional bout of outright laziness. We both have distracting issues in our respective lives, we both have a fairly large platter of responsibilities and well....I think we are both a little exhausted by the stresses of these past months, which have been great...but also the good kind, that teach you about life and how to deal with it.
I am just tired today. And a little whiney. My back hurts like mad and I'd really like to get my dang car back, I'd feel a whole lot better having those keys in my hand. Course, it's going to cost me $400+ dollars to get those keys, with the car, back into my hand...but hey, you do what you gotta do right?
blah. will report back soon.
Baby Jetta....where are you???????????????????????????????? OHHHH BABY JETTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Please come home to momma.....
This JUST in.....
I have been reunited with my precious Baby Jetta AND Max will make it after all to get his teeth pulled. I had to leave work early (again) and it's totally possible that my boss hates my guts at the moment, but....these things must be done. I also might now have to babysit this weekend as a favor to the person who picked me up, which I don't mind....this is all ok. I can't wait to come home, take a damn ibuoprofen for my back and lay on my couch that I worked so hard to put in this house!
Peace. All hail the mighty Baby Jetta for she is strong and uber Mangolicious!
Chance and I have been experiencing an inordinate amount of stress these past few weeks due to car difficulties, work related stress, some minor issues with a few people in our lives, school (both C & Mj), illness and of course, the ever present financial dramas. My only current focus is getting my dang car back. Hopefully today. Dentist appointment for Max will prob have to be cancelled, oh well...it is what it is. He'll be disappointed, silly child LIKES the dentist. I cannot fathom this.
Anywho...due to this stress we have decided to hibernate and focus on our priorities. This probably sounds easier than it really is for us sometimes. We are both guilty of procrastination, distraction and the occasional bout of outright laziness. We both have distracting issues in our respective lives, we both have a fairly large platter of responsibilities and well....I think we are both a little exhausted by the stresses of these past months, which have been great...but also the good kind, that teach you about life and how to deal with it.
I am just tired today. And a little whiney. My back hurts like mad and I'd really like to get my dang car back, I'd feel a whole lot better having those keys in my hand. Course, it's going to cost me $400+ dollars to get those keys, with the car, back into my hand...but hey, you do what you gotta do right?
blah. will report back soon.
Baby Jetta....where are you???????????????????????????????? OHHHH BABY JETTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Please come home to momma.....
This JUST in.....
I have been reunited with my precious Baby Jetta AND Max will make it after all to get his teeth pulled. I had to leave work early (again) and it's totally possible that my boss hates my guts at the moment, but....these things must be done. I also might now have to babysit this weekend as a favor to the person who picked me up, which I don't mind....this is all ok. I can't wait to come home, take a damn ibuoprofen for my back and lay on my couch that I worked so hard to put in this house!
Peace. All hail the mighty Baby Jetta for she is strong and uber Mangolicious!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Star Dust Children
My child asks me of the stars, my spirit comes to life with the innocence of his wonder
Flashbacks of moments without complexity or the tease of knowledge, just simple admiration
Flashbacks of moments without complexity or the tease of knowledge, just simple admiration
Why do they look so tiny, so close together,
When we know they are massive and powerful?
What causes some to seem bright and twinkling,
Yet others flash hue of softer color and texture?
How can something appear to be one thing,
When in fact it is something else all together?
Resisting the temptation to blurt out all my passion and blindside him,
With idea's, conceptualism....could he possibly know what he is asking the Universe?
I carefully refrain and focus on the basics of what I know for sure,
That we are all connected, we are all made of the same stuff.
It came from up there, the star dust,
We are down here, the same star dust.
Whatever exists in between up there and down here,
Might just be there to beckon us to think, to question, to explore.
My child asks of stars, of bigger things than himself,
I can only attempt to contain my excitement for him.
Monday, February 19, 2007
4 Day Weekends....who needs them?
It could've been a better weekend...it was going ok, but at some point...things pile up and you just throw your hands up and say "What the hell else?"
I was supposed to take Friday off, client didn't want me to have it off though it was approved by my supervisor. Client called supervisor and was pouty and acted like a child, luckily said supervisor said I shouldn't take Friday as a PTO day after all since I ended up having to be on call for inpatient client a (a is for a$$shole?) and apologized for having to call me in on my day off.
Ok, well sure...whatever, you deal with it...it's the nature of my business, sometimes you are on call. Ok, moving on.
Saturday/Sunday Max and I ended up with some freakish flu of the 48 - 72 hour sort, complete with fever, pounding headaches, chills, sore throats, coughs and congestion. The 3rd time in as many months have I've been really ill with some strange bug....and poor Max still sounds like he's got a rattling chest, he'll be into the doc if that doesn't get better within the next day or so.
Meanwhile, Chance is flying about like a mad man trying to finish up a big project he's been working on for school. He's a little cranky sometimes when he's in this mode...I think we only barked at each other 5 times on Saturday/Sunday, not tooo bad.
Oh and Max, well that's a whole other story...but let's just say he's not exactly getting a lot of privelages at the moment. Boys who are blowing it don't get to do fun stuff. But it's all a work in progress though and I love him no matter what, I've told him that about a billion times this week.
This morning, Max and I are both feeling mostly better but still off.....but I managed to get some grocieries in the house and take us out for lunch and a movie so we could have some fun time together.
Chance calls in a panic at 6:30 asking that I PLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE bring his laptop (which had the project he needed on it naturally) to him at school b/c HE HAS to turn it in immediately. Hey, it happens....I don't mind have my guys back, that's part of what this sort of thing is all about right?
Get in the car.....hrm, this is odd, we don't have any running lights. Hrm....what to do? Ok, we can handle this - drive w/ your hazards on (the guy busts his ass on his school work, I know it's important) and just get what he needs to him.
Turn the hazards ono...ok driving with these on is annoying. Turn of hazards and hope for the best....Ok, this is REALLY strange.....now I have no turn signals. Greaaaaaaaaaaat. It's dark, ok...dark AND cold.
This is all still fairly manageable....I'm not feeling to panicked b/c these are all easily fixable things but I do have to get C his laptop asap, I've got a sick kid in the car and someone had the BRILLIANT idea to bring the dog (that would be me, I take her everywhere with me) and the dog is restless.
BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. BLUB BLUB BLUB
F*cking POTHOLE! Anyone exit Colfax from I25 recently? There is a crater sized pothole just lurking there, and it's not close to the stop...it's a good distance so your still slowing down from highway speed. It was, in no way, forgiving at all.
Now, I am....upset, or something like it. Pulling out the calmish "Mom CAN handle everything!" attitude and then thinking of what to do. I call/text Matt AND Helen. No word, still no word actually and it's 3 hours later. Hope they are ok. The next obvious thing would be to throw the ole spare on there myself right? OF COURSE NOT b/c NOTHING can be that easy for me today.
Once upon a time the Baby Jetta got a flat tire and an valiant attempt was made by all to get the this one very stubborn and insanely tight lug nut off. It could not be done, not even the various heroes of my life could not use their mighty strength to pry that lug nut loose. Being that we'd JUST had the car serviced (tires rotated/aligned) by the Dealership, we felt it fitting to have them come and undo what ever super evile spell theyd cast and promptly come get the damn lug nut off. They couldn't do that, oh noo....but they agreed to tow it and fix the tire, free of charge. After Chance bitched at them for a good hour or so.
That's great, all is well in the happy kingdom of Mango when alas....she goes to have the tire replaced (it was only patched the last time and was in need of replacement) before the winter weather comes and the mechanics look at me like I am crazy. "Dear, do you see that at least 3 of these lug nuts are stripped to hell?" like I'm some kind of idiot (grr, I HATE that.)
No, I didn't know that but HOW WOULD I considering I'd had no problems since the last time....and I was trying to proactive and fix and got treated like some ditzy blonde anyawys (I HATE that) anyway, long story short....my lug nuts are all stripped to hell (as my previous mechanic so eloquently put it) and can not be pried loose by mere mortals. Heavy duty machinery with major sounding action is required to bust those puppies loose. But I thought that's why I took it to get fixed...oh no, it's not that simple...dealership has to fix it. ok. whatever.
So, I file this little deatil in my memory and have been meaning to get this fixed (which I'd planned for on Friday but couldn't b/c I HAD TO WORK and couldn't get it down in time for M to work on it)
So...yeah, lug nuts aren't moving. Chance calls and says where are you? I tell him (in brilliant detail of course) about the situation and the next step. Chance took the bus from school to try and come rescue his fair maiden, the little night and the galiant steed (Kasha dog could easily wooop someones ass if needed LOL) and one hour later he got there and began dutifully changing the tire. I said quietly...."But, I think it's stripped" I'd already called a tow truck. "Call and cancel that tow truck, I can get these off." Shrug. But...the lug nuts are stripped. Sometimes, you just gotta hope for the best. So while Chance yelled every curse word in the book in his attempts to what was later found out to be impossible...I called and cancelled the tow truck. Then all looked hopeless so I called again and said, ok we need a tow truck. Then...a lug nut came loose. So I called and cancelled. Then....after more curse words, Max and I standing out in the cold on the side of the road (Max was in his pajama's by the way, tshirt/shorts) shivvering and Kasha puppy looking very distraught...Chance said "Call the f*cking tow truck."
With the tow truck en route, Chance is worried about leaving us on the side of the road. Which is very sweet, but I did want to gently remind him that while I may be a fair maiden, I am a rather resourceful and capable individual, some even regard me as a force to be reckoned with (har har) and I was certain I could handle the situation. Instead I said "Don't worry baby, get back to school so you can turn that project in." He argued and finally I took the laptop out and shoved it in his face and told him to get moving. I apprciate his concern, but dammit...all this drama better not lead to nothing....go turn in that damn project NOW! But I handled it well and he could not hear my internal screaming, only external zen-ness. Yeah me. I am strangley calm with the big stuff. Usually. It's generally the small things that make me insane and act like a rotten fruit.
Tow truck driver shows up, sweetest guy ever and I was greatful for this b/c I couldn't deal with creepy tow truck drivers....seriously, I just could not tonight.
(Kasha INSISTS on sitting on my lap while I type, it's very cute...but pardon the typos)
We get home, get the car parked. The dearheart tow truck driver offers to try and get the lug nuts off with his tools (stock jack/tools from VW...not so great) and goes to work trying to get it off. Busts 2 sockets in the process and also cursed. Luckily his tools are insured. Max sure got an earful tonight. The f bomb has been thrown around more tonight than in your standard Quintan Terrentino flick. Ah well...not like he doesn't know those words. Except one that Chance said...he might not know that word. Well now he does I guess. Anway.....
Sweetheart tow truck drivers says "Girl, these things are stripped to hell!" I broke out into hysterical laughter, I almost started to cry at that point. I just nodded, I really couldn't say anything else. I did tell him this on the way, I guess he didn't believe me. He says "Yep, yer gonna have to take this to the dealership fer sure! I'd make them pay for it too!" The same thing Chance said the moment he met me out on Colfax earlier.
The neighbor walks up and asks if everything is alright? I say yeah He tried to poke me (these are the cute little youngin's who live next door) and ask if I was getting a reposession, I told him to piss off (I know choice language for such a fair maiden) and that of course I wasn't getting repoed. I told him about my night and he laughed and offered me a beer and gave me some more ribbing....
....actually, let me just note here that between Chance trying to save us, the sweet tow truck driver and my brother like neighbor guys who I am strangely fond of.....it actually made my whole night they were all so nice to me. It just felt good to have my guy, 1 guy i don't even know and 1 guys I barely know take care of me some how, just a sweet gesture by your average man out in the world. And Max...bless his heart, was trying VERY hard to play the big man role. In fact in he insisted he could change the tire when it first happened, luckily he was in his pajamas so I had a good reason for making him sit in the car while I figured this out..........
Finally now all is well, everyone goes home...
I walk in the door and Max tracked all the mud from standing on the side of the road into the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom.
I just deeply (very deeply) inhaled and slowly exhaled.
The carpets are getting cleaned anyway, what are you going to do?
And now, I am typing this in my blogg and thank goodness I have a ride to work tomorrow, Chance should be on his way home fairly soon and Max is in bed asleep and warm.
I am so ready to go to sleep and just start a new day tomorrow.
Here's to better tomorrows.
Cheers!
Freaking cheers.
goodnight.
s
I was supposed to take Friday off, client didn't want me to have it off though it was approved by my supervisor. Client called supervisor and was pouty and acted like a child, luckily said supervisor said I shouldn't take Friday as a PTO day after all since I ended up having to be on call for inpatient client a (a is for a$$shole?) and apologized for having to call me in on my day off.
Ok, well sure...whatever, you deal with it...it's the nature of my business, sometimes you are on call. Ok, moving on.
Saturday/Sunday Max and I ended up with some freakish flu of the 48 - 72 hour sort, complete with fever, pounding headaches, chills, sore throats, coughs and congestion. The 3rd time in as many months have I've been really ill with some strange bug....and poor Max still sounds like he's got a rattling chest, he'll be into the doc if that doesn't get better within the next day or so.
Meanwhile, Chance is flying about like a mad man trying to finish up a big project he's been working on for school. He's a little cranky sometimes when he's in this mode...I think we only barked at each other 5 times on Saturday/Sunday, not tooo bad.
Oh and Max, well that's a whole other story...but let's just say he's not exactly getting a lot of privelages at the moment. Boys who are blowing it don't get to do fun stuff. But it's all a work in progress though and I love him no matter what, I've told him that about a billion times this week.
This morning, Max and I are both feeling mostly better but still off.....but I managed to get some grocieries in the house and take us out for lunch and a movie so we could have some fun time together.
Chance calls in a panic at 6:30 asking that I PLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE bring his laptop (which had the project he needed on it naturally) to him at school b/c HE HAS to turn it in immediately. Hey, it happens....I don't mind have my guys back, that's part of what this sort of thing is all about right?
Get in the car.....hrm, this is odd, we don't have any running lights. Hrm....what to do? Ok, we can handle this - drive w/ your hazards on (the guy busts his ass on his school work, I know it's important) and just get what he needs to him.
Turn the hazards ono...ok driving with these on is annoying. Turn of hazards and hope for the best....Ok, this is REALLY strange.....now I have no turn signals. Greaaaaaaaaaaat. It's dark, ok...dark AND cold.
This is all still fairly manageable....I'm not feeling to panicked b/c these are all easily fixable things but I do have to get C his laptop asap, I've got a sick kid in the car and someone had the BRILLIANT idea to bring the dog (that would be me, I take her everywhere with me) and the dog is restless.
BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. BLUB BLUB BLUB
F*cking POTHOLE! Anyone exit Colfax from I25 recently? There is a crater sized pothole just lurking there, and it's not close to the stop...it's a good distance so your still slowing down from highway speed. It was, in no way, forgiving at all.
Now, I am....upset, or something like it. Pulling out the calmish "Mom CAN handle everything!" attitude and then thinking of what to do. I call/text Matt AND Helen. No word, still no word actually and it's 3 hours later. Hope they are ok. The next obvious thing would be to throw the ole spare on there myself right? OF COURSE NOT b/c NOTHING can be that easy for me today.
Once upon a time the Baby Jetta got a flat tire and an valiant attempt was made by all to get the this one very stubborn and insanely tight lug nut off. It could not be done, not even the various heroes of my life could not use their mighty strength to pry that lug nut loose. Being that we'd JUST had the car serviced (tires rotated/aligned) by the Dealership, we felt it fitting to have them come and undo what ever super evile spell theyd cast and promptly come get the damn lug nut off. They couldn't do that, oh noo....but they agreed to tow it and fix the tire, free of charge. After Chance bitched at them for a good hour or so.
That's great, all is well in the happy kingdom of Mango when alas....she goes to have the tire replaced (it was only patched the last time and was in need of replacement) before the winter weather comes and the mechanics look at me like I am crazy. "Dear, do you see that at least 3 of these lug nuts are stripped to hell?" like I'm some kind of idiot (grr, I HATE that.)
No, I didn't know that but HOW WOULD I considering I'd had no problems since the last time....and I was trying to proactive and fix and got treated like some ditzy blonde anyawys (I HATE that) anyway, long story short....my lug nuts are all stripped to hell (as my previous mechanic so eloquently put it) and can not be pried loose by mere mortals. Heavy duty machinery with major sounding action is required to bust those puppies loose. But I thought that's why I took it to get fixed...oh no, it's not that simple...dealership has to fix it. ok. whatever.
So, I file this little deatil in my memory and have been meaning to get this fixed (which I'd planned for on Friday but couldn't b/c I HAD TO WORK and couldn't get it down in time for M to work on it)
So...yeah, lug nuts aren't moving. Chance calls and says where are you? I tell him (in brilliant detail of course) about the situation and the next step. Chance took the bus from school to try and come rescue his fair maiden, the little night and the galiant steed (Kasha dog could easily wooop someones ass if needed LOL) and one hour later he got there and began dutifully changing the tire. I said quietly...."But, I think it's stripped" I'd already called a tow truck. "Call and cancel that tow truck, I can get these off." Shrug. But...the lug nuts are stripped. Sometimes, you just gotta hope for the best. So while Chance yelled every curse word in the book in his attempts to what was later found out to be impossible...I called and cancelled the tow truck. Then all looked hopeless so I called again and said, ok we need a tow truck. Then...a lug nut came loose. So I called and cancelled. Then....after more curse words, Max and I standing out in the cold on the side of the road (Max was in his pajama's by the way, tshirt/shorts) shivvering and Kasha puppy looking very distraught...Chance said "Call the f*cking tow truck."
With the tow truck en route, Chance is worried about leaving us on the side of the road. Which is very sweet, but I did want to gently remind him that while I may be a fair maiden, I am a rather resourceful and capable individual, some even regard me as a force to be reckoned with (har har) and I was certain I could handle the situation. Instead I said "Don't worry baby, get back to school so you can turn that project in." He argued and finally I took the laptop out and shoved it in his face and told him to get moving. I apprciate his concern, but dammit...all this drama better not lead to nothing....go turn in that damn project NOW! But I handled it well and he could not hear my internal screaming, only external zen-ness. Yeah me. I am strangley calm with the big stuff. Usually. It's generally the small things that make me insane and act like a rotten fruit.
Tow truck driver shows up, sweetest guy ever and I was greatful for this b/c I couldn't deal with creepy tow truck drivers....seriously, I just could not tonight.
(Kasha INSISTS on sitting on my lap while I type, it's very cute...but pardon the typos)
We get home, get the car parked. The dearheart tow truck driver offers to try and get the lug nuts off with his tools (stock jack/tools from VW...not so great) and goes to work trying to get it off. Busts 2 sockets in the process and also cursed. Luckily his tools are insured. Max sure got an earful tonight. The f bomb has been thrown around more tonight than in your standard Quintan Terrentino flick. Ah well...not like he doesn't know those words. Except one that Chance said...he might not know that word. Well now he does I guess. Anway.....
Sweetheart tow truck drivers says "Girl, these things are stripped to hell!" I broke out into hysterical laughter, I almost started to cry at that point. I just nodded, I really couldn't say anything else. I did tell him this on the way, I guess he didn't believe me. He says "Yep, yer gonna have to take this to the dealership fer sure! I'd make them pay for it too!" The same thing Chance said the moment he met me out on Colfax earlier.
The neighbor walks up and asks if everything is alright? I say yeah He tried to poke me (these are the cute little youngin's who live next door) and ask if I was getting a reposession, I told him to piss off (I know choice language for such a fair maiden) and that of course I wasn't getting repoed. I told him about my night and he laughed and offered me a beer and gave me some more ribbing....
....actually, let me just note here that between Chance trying to save us, the sweet tow truck driver and my brother like neighbor guys who I am strangely fond of.....it actually made my whole night they were all so nice to me. It just felt good to have my guy, 1 guy i don't even know and 1 guys I barely know take care of me some how, just a sweet gesture by your average man out in the world. And Max...bless his heart, was trying VERY hard to play the big man role. In fact in he insisted he could change the tire when it first happened, luckily he was in his pajamas so I had a good reason for making him sit in the car while I figured this out..........
Finally now all is well, everyone goes home...
I walk in the door and Max tracked all the mud from standing on the side of the road into the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom.
I just deeply (very deeply) inhaled and slowly exhaled.
The carpets are getting cleaned anyway, what are you going to do?
And now, I am typing this in my blogg and thank goodness I have a ride to work tomorrow, Chance should be on his way home fairly soon and Max is in bed asleep and warm.
I am so ready to go to sleep and just start a new day tomorrow.
Here's to better tomorrows.
Cheers!
Freaking cheers.
goodnight.
s
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Two words....
Hoo - Rah!
Hoo - Rah for 3 day weekends (coming up quick!)
Hoo - Rah for a beautiful and warm home.
Hoo - Rah for a Crystal's speedy recovery and rockin' body to boot.
Hoo - Rah for furry soft things that purr or bark and only want to love you and are never cruel.
Hoo - Rah that I made it safely to work without sliding into the guard rail.
Hoo - Rah that I have food to eat.
Hoo - Rah that people out in the world love me.
Hoo - Rah that I have a great job.
Hoo - Rah that my son is healthy and has opportunities.
Hoo - Rah that Chance has such opportunities with his career and education.
Hoo - Rah that changes are in motion.
Hoo - Rah that Mary is healing.
Hoo - Rah that life has blessed me with another day.
Hoo - Rah!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentines Day
Happy Valentines Day
May this day find you enjoying the fertile
opportunity of love in all it's beautiful form!
Peace to you all
Love
S
****************************
Mango's Question Of The Day:
Read the following quote
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get . . . Only with what you are expected to give. . . . Which is everything. --Katharine Hepburn
What are your thoughts on this? Do you give everything for love? Should your love be unconditional? Do you expect something in return? If so, what is it? What are your epectations in love?
****************************
Various info and opinions on the history of today's version of this his holiday:
http://www.goddessgift.com/pandora's_box/Valentine's_Day.htm
http://www.witchology.com/contents/february/valentines_static.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupercalia
http://www.religioustolerance.org/valentine1.htm
May this day find you enjoying the fertile
opportunity of love in all it's beautiful form!
Peace to you all
Love
S
****************************
Mango's Question Of The Day:
Read the following quote
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get . . . Only with what you are expected to give. . . . Which is everything. --Katharine Hepburn
What are your thoughts on this? Do you give everything for love? Should your love be unconditional? Do you expect something in return? If so, what is it? What are your epectations in love?
****************************
Various info and opinions on the history of today's version of this his holiday:
http://www.goddessgift.com/pandora's_box/Valentine's_Day.htm
http://www.witchology.com/contents/february/valentines_static.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupercalia
http://www.religioustolerance.org/valentine1.htm
Monday, February 12, 2007
A Lisa, Or A Bart...
Call #5 from Max’s math teacher today in the 6 days. This boy has a serious issue with authority, specifically women in authority. Isn’t that nice, he’s got this strong independent female as his mother….but some how, that’s still undermined by our culture…and probably his father and grandfather in some way. Effers. Ok, I should probably not go off on that rant.
As soon as he doesn’t ‘like’ a teacher, he just digs his heels in and expects the world to figure it out because he’s not budging. My patience level with him this past week on the whole math thing has reached its peak. Kid is facing summer school and he STILL fights it every single way. I already helped him out of a situation with a teacher he didn’t ‘like’ earlier this year and allowed him to drop the class. Now he’s asking me to help change his math teacher, because she is ‘mean’ and so on and so forth, the same shit I’ve been hearing from him since 5th grade. Every semester it’s a different teacher, he always picks at least one to totally dislike and take on. This isn’t new; this has been his nature since about 2nd grade. I think he is a Taurus, not a Virgo.
It’s so frustrating. What do you do with a kid that basically just refuses to try? He’s failing this class. He’s been failing it all year, we’ve tried to get him tutoring after school and he ‘forgets’ to go. He does nothing but fight me when I try to help him and gets very frustrated. He feels he’s so far behind that he’s not even going to try. He told me that today when I confronted him. He shows up purposefully without his supplies and then tells his teacher (this is classic) that I don’t buy him school supplies and that’s why he doesn’t have what he needs. Ms. Hecox calls me today saying, will you please BUY Max some school supplies….like I’m the reason he doesn’t have school supplies. I just bought him school supplies at the 1st of the year, plenty….enough for the whole school year. I asked his math teacher if Max has been showing up with supplies since the beginning of the year, she said…until last Monday. He told me that his ‘friends’ and him got into a paper fight (?) in the bathroom and his math notebook got destroyed. This happened a week ago, not a word was said to me. I even asked him if he had homework during the week….”Nope, we have CSAP this week” welllllllllllll….he DID have CSAP (standardized testing) but he still had homework to be completed by today, over the weekend…I just found out today.
But he couldn’t do his homework this weekend because he didn’t have any school supplies. Because his worthless mother doesn’t buy school supplies for her son. Poor little guy, man has he got it rough! It’s pretty obvious how neglected and abused he is at home I’m sure.
Now I know why Homer Simpson strangles his children.
The current theory with everyone we are working with is that Max may just have to crash and burn to figure this out, he may just have to go to summer school and if so….oh well. He is 14 for cripes sake. He is old enough to do is homework, show up to class with a freaking pencil and paper and everyone on the planet knows he’s a bright kid. Not a single soul questions whether or not he can do the work, he’s full capable….but you know the line, “He can do the work, he’s just not applying himself.” I almost screamed at the first teacher to give ME that line. I just looked at her and the images of the 10 billion teachers before her that had used that line on my mother and a million mothers before me flashed before my eyes. I mean, we KNOW that is what’s going on, maybe there’s a newer, more modern and original way of saying “Hey, your kid is distracted and we’ve got to figure it out or he/she is gonna blow it totally.”
And high school….oh boy, I mean high school is not forgiving in any way. And he goes on and on and on about his drivers license. I’m like HA…you think your getting a drivers license with those grades? Think again Mr. Man. And if you think you can get it without my permission, you are sadly mistaken. He was recently quite distressed to learn that news, which he had to verify with someone else b/c you know…I’m totally full of shit.
If I had the money, I’d stick his ass in private alternative school immediately. I’m terribly concerned about these next few years of school. He’s got the foundation, a loving family, a ton of support…we are getting him a private tutor….it’s up to him. Right?
I wish I could say that I was comfortable with just letting it be, living within my spirit and knowing that it’s up to him, that he’ll be protected…that he can get through this and he’s got to do a lot of it on his own.
The truth is, I worry endlessly. Every night I sit there and think….what has to happen for this kid to get this under control? What more can I do? How many more times do I need to communicate with the teachers? As much as it takes, I know.
At what point in life do you have to take a step back and let these kids figure it out on their own? This could very well be all my fault in the first place, for not giving him the skills to be independent….to function in the world, to be capable…
The fact that children come with no manual and really you are left out in the cold as a parent with all you know from what the world has taught you about being a parent…and a child…has got to be the biggest pile of steaming bullshit on the face of the planet. It is simply not fair that we all want better for our children but don’t know always know how to make that happen. It’s also not fair that you can’t like go back a few years and change this or that…I wish I lived on an episode of Bewitched. I always thought I’d make a much better Samantha anyway.
We’ve come too far to blow it now; I want so much for him. I want him to not have to work so hard in life to succeed and to know that life can be fun and not end up a statistic of a young, teen mother.
Even Homer Simpson who strangles his kids has brilliant, studious little Lisa Simpson…what does it all mean? That you can struggle and work hard and still end up with a Bart OR you can be a total looser of a parent and still end up with a Lisa? The grand question mark of parenting, yes?
Whether I have a Lisa or a Bart, I love him either way...I just wish I hadn't infected him with my 'difficult life' germ, I'd wanted so badly for him to be immunized against that when he was born...but I guess they don't give that to kids on Medicaid born to homeless 16 year old in California. Sucks for him eh?
As soon as he doesn’t ‘like’ a teacher, he just digs his heels in and expects the world to figure it out because he’s not budging. My patience level with him this past week on the whole math thing has reached its peak. Kid is facing summer school and he STILL fights it every single way. I already helped him out of a situation with a teacher he didn’t ‘like’ earlier this year and allowed him to drop the class. Now he’s asking me to help change his math teacher, because she is ‘mean’ and so on and so forth, the same shit I’ve been hearing from him since 5th grade. Every semester it’s a different teacher, he always picks at least one to totally dislike and take on. This isn’t new; this has been his nature since about 2nd grade. I think he is a Taurus, not a Virgo.
It’s so frustrating. What do you do with a kid that basically just refuses to try? He’s failing this class. He’s been failing it all year, we’ve tried to get him tutoring after school and he ‘forgets’ to go. He does nothing but fight me when I try to help him and gets very frustrated. He feels he’s so far behind that he’s not even going to try. He told me that today when I confronted him. He shows up purposefully without his supplies and then tells his teacher (this is classic) that I don’t buy him school supplies and that’s why he doesn’t have what he needs. Ms. Hecox calls me today saying, will you please BUY Max some school supplies….like I’m the reason he doesn’t have school supplies. I just bought him school supplies at the 1st of the year, plenty….enough for the whole school year. I asked his math teacher if Max has been showing up with supplies since the beginning of the year, she said…until last Monday. He told me that his ‘friends’ and him got into a paper fight (?) in the bathroom and his math notebook got destroyed. This happened a week ago, not a word was said to me. I even asked him if he had homework during the week….”Nope, we have CSAP this week” welllllllllllll….he DID have CSAP (standardized testing) but he still had homework to be completed by today, over the weekend…I just found out today.
But he couldn’t do his homework this weekend because he didn’t have any school supplies. Because his worthless mother doesn’t buy school supplies for her son. Poor little guy, man has he got it rough! It’s pretty obvious how neglected and abused he is at home I’m sure.
Now I know why Homer Simpson strangles his children.
The current theory with everyone we are working with is that Max may just have to crash and burn to figure this out, he may just have to go to summer school and if so….oh well. He is 14 for cripes sake. He is old enough to do is homework, show up to class with a freaking pencil and paper and everyone on the planet knows he’s a bright kid. Not a single soul questions whether or not he can do the work, he’s full capable….but you know the line, “He can do the work, he’s just not applying himself.” I almost screamed at the first teacher to give ME that line. I just looked at her and the images of the 10 billion teachers before her that had used that line on my mother and a million mothers before me flashed before my eyes. I mean, we KNOW that is what’s going on, maybe there’s a newer, more modern and original way of saying “Hey, your kid is distracted and we’ve got to figure it out or he/she is gonna blow it totally.”
And high school….oh boy, I mean high school is not forgiving in any way. And he goes on and on and on about his drivers license. I’m like HA…you think your getting a drivers license with those grades? Think again Mr. Man. And if you think you can get it without my permission, you are sadly mistaken. He was recently quite distressed to learn that news, which he had to verify with someone else b/c you know…I’m totally full of shit.
If I had the money, I’d stick his ass in private alternative school immediately. I’m terribly concerned about these next few years of school. He’s got the foundation, a loving family, a ton of support…we are getting him a private tutor….it’s up to him. Right?
I wish I could say that I was comfortable with just letting it be, living within my spirit and knowing that it’s up to him, that he’ll be protected…that he can get through this and he’s got to do a lot of it on his own.
The truth is, I worry endlessly. Every night I sit there and think….what has to happen for this kid to get this under control? What more can I do? How many more times do I need to communicate with the teachers? As much as it takes, I know.
At what point in life do you have to take a step back and let these kids figure it out on their own? This could very well be all my fault in the first place, for not giving him the skills to be independent….to function in the world, to be capable…
The fact that children come with no manual and really you are left out in the cold as a parent with all you know from what the world has taught you about being a parent…and a child…has got to be the biggest pile of steaming bullshit on the face of the planet. It is simply not fair that we all want better for our children but don’t know always know how to make that happen. It’s also not fair that you can’t like go back a few years and change this or that…I wish I lived on an episode of Bewitched. I always thought I’d make a much better Samantha anyway.
We’ve come too far to blow it now; I want so much for him. I want him to not have to work so hard in life to succeed and to know that life can be fun and not end up a statistic of a young, teen mother.
Even Homer Simpson who strangles his kids has brilliant, studious little Lisa Simpson…what does it all mean? That you can struggle and work hard and still end up with a Bart OR you can be a total looser of a parent and still end up with a Lisa? The grand question mark of parenting, yes?
Whether I have a Lisa or a Bart, I love him either way...I just wish I hadn't infected him with my 'difficult life' germ, I'd wanted so badly for him to be immunized against that when he was born...but I guess they don't give that to kids on Medicaid born to homeless 16 year old in California. Sucks for him eh?
Friday, February 09, 2007
Foggy Fridays
Fog isn't something you see a lot in Denver, especially not this thick. It's very pretty, but fog does have ominous undertones to me for some reason. Probably all those B horror flicks from my youth. The Fog, dun dun dun!!!!!! I always rather enjoyed it in San Francisco though, it has a smell. Like salty ocean water and fresh rain. I miss San Francisco sometimes, the vibrancy of the living there and the openness of the culture. I miss living in the city sometimes, the energies that exist with tens of thousands of people packed into square miles. I also miss the water, it feels like to long since I saw it last.
I am a bit foggy myself today, so it is fitting weather outside for my mood. Not melancholy in any way, just sort of out of it. I think I am pulling out of this sinus thing, but this past week feels like a blur of domestic existence, work, driving in my car and floating in water. The highlight of my week was definitely seeing Mary yesterday. I was able to get go to her earlier than we'd planned, so it was nice to steal her for a whole afternoon. I could tell she was tired, so I appreciate she stuck it out and gave me some food for thought.
This week we also got Mj registered for High School (if anyone had any doubt that he is in fact a full fledged teenager, let that doubt now cease) and he picked some great electives. I am excited for him, High School will be a lot of fun for him I think. I also finalized the child support order and Sean should receive notification within the next few weeks. I am a bit anxious about it, but I am grateful that it is now in motion. It would be great, if by some miraculous stage of events, we can all find a way to make this thing work so that ultimately it benefits Max and harms no one else. Either that, or that Sean would just go away until Max is older and let us live our lives without this constant distraction Max experiences over his Dad. That's probably not very nice and could be interpreted in many ways....but the impact Max's father has had on him in recent years has not been a good one, it's been extremely confusing for Max and he's still working desperately to figure out what this is all about. Now it is in the hands of the courts though and there is some relief for Max and I both in this.
This weekend I am going to have to work a bit to make up some time for being sick, go to my friends Bday party Sat night and hopefully just get caught up on some rest. I have all these plans, but my body may have other plans in mind. It's hard to say, we'll play it by ear.
C got his new laptop, let me just say that Mac's rock and I want one. Very lovely little pieces of wires and bits they are, I have a strange love affair with technology and all of its hardware. Sometimes I loathe it and feel inspired to completely break away entirely from the depths of dependence on it which engulfs my life. Other times, I could totally loose myself in all of it and get totally wired in. It becomes like a drug, technology and the internet. You become dependant on it and trust me, it is dependant on us The concept of technology as it's own live entity is real to me b/c I can see the inner workings of the logic behind it all and if you think of the cumulative effort by hundreds of thousands of programmers, IT professionals, web designers and administrators and so on to create their own little piece of the mega-pie, you are looking at a large collective thought process all moving in one forward motion. As a whole, a unit, with a similar intent. Then consider the millions of earthlings across the planet who are plugged into all of this information and have a regular user experience, that daily interaction with this information and technical process compounds the collective energy we are all putting into this technology. It's pretty massive.
eh eh, back to my programming....my precious.
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