~ Mom's rockin' out to 'Just Lay Here' by SnowPatrol on the way home last night from 3 hours worth of errands ~
Max: "Mom, if you are a singer or you marry a singer or a singer is in your family, do you HAVE to listen to their music....being sung by the singer."
~ giggle, Max's vocabulary and grammar skills are still in development ~
Mom: "You don't HAVE to listen to any kind of music. You have the option and right to listen to any kind of music you want, knowing someone who sings in a band doesn't obligate you to listen to their music."
Max: "Ok, well then would you be EXPECTED to?"
~ Mom laughs ~
Mom: "Ah, isn't that the confusing part? The difference between the expectations others have of you and what you think you are supposed to do or the expectations you have for yourself?"
~ Max laughs ~
Max: "Yes it is! It's very frustrating. "
Mom: "What prompted this question?" (I'm still trying to compose myself because this is one of those rare moments in life when Max genuinely is interested in what I have to say and asking a serious question, but the humor here must be obvious?)
Max: "I don't know, I've just always wondered what I am supposed to do if I ever marry a rock star. What if I don't like her music?"
Mom: "If you don't like it, you don't like it...you are allowed to have opinions about everything Max. You have that freedom, to think what you want, to feel how you want, to listen to whatever kind of music it is that you like."
Max: "What if she gets mad at me for not liking it."
Mom: "I would think then that it's her choice to be angry and that maybe you might want to let her know it's not personal, just not the type of music you like."
Max: "Yeah....." (Interesting thought provoking silence ensues...)
~ a few moments pass ~
Max: "I bet I will probably like her music and the way she sings, why would I marry someone if I didn't like their music?"
~ giggle ~
Mom: "You are probably right Max, I guess it just depends on what is important to you. If music is important to you, then it's something you might have in common with her. Chance and I talk about music a lot, it is pretty important to both of us and though we don't always agree on everything, there are some artists that we both appreciate very deeply and it's even more enjoyable to listen to it together."
Max: "As long as she likes Bob Marley, we'll be fine I'm sure. Mom, why does Bob Marley smoke so much pot?"
~ oh boy ~
Mom: "Yeah ole Bob sure did like the weed. I think he believed, like a lot of people do, that marijuana is a gift from the Earth and should be appreciated by all Mother Earth's gifts. I think he was a good man, very loving and kind...and has a zillion kids to prove it! He was a busy guy."
~ Max laughs ~
Max: "Did you know it's not actually illegal to have in Colorado as long as you aren't going to sell it? Up to an ounce of weed."
~ My son just said weed. ~
Mom: "How did you know that?"
Max: "We talked about it today in my American History class."
Mom: "Really?" (Wondering why we never talked about the possession laws when I was a kid?)
Max: "Have you ever smoked pot?"
Mom: "Yes, when I was younger. I don't any more though, it's just not for me."
Max: "What did it feel like?"
Mom: "For me, it made me hungry and sleepy and giggly sometimes. I think it's different for everyone, I know some people find it to be a good experience."
Max: "What if my wife smokes pot and I don't want to?"
~ what? OK what is going on here? ~
Mom: "Max, has someone offered you pot?"
Max: "Nah, not yet. I know kids that smoke it though...I don't hang out with them."
Mom: "Just curious then?"
Max: "Kind of, I don't understand what the big deal is."
Mom: "Me either, I don't know why it's not fully legalized and we are farming hemp for paper and clothing and possibly alternative fuel resources."
Max: "But you don't smoke pot I thought?"
Mom: "You don't have to participate in something to see the validity of it's cause."
Max: "HUH?"
Mom: "I don't have to smoke weed to see that the legalization of marijuana could be beneficial for a number of different reasons. Besides, there a lot of people who smoke it already, I think our government is in denial about The Weed."
~ Max laughs ~
~ Long pause, we arrive at the house, get out of the car ~
Max: "Mom?"
Mom: "Yep?"
Max: "I think it's ok that I like Bob Marley and he smokes pot."
Mom: "Um yeah, I gave you your first Bob Marley CD for Christmas, remember?"
Max: "And I also think it's ok if I don't smoke pot and I like Bob Marley. People think that if you like Bob Marley that you smoke weed."
Mom: "Yeah well, sometimes people can't help but judge things they don't know or understand. It's not your fault, just listen to whatever you like."
Max: "I'm really tired."
Mom: "I know, go take a shower and get in bed, I'll be up in a minute to say good night."
~ deep breathe ~
************************************************************************
Proof that Max is growing up in a complicated world? Yes. Was I quite ready for The Weed conversation just yet? Um no, not quite. But I was proud of myself for not freaking and turning into Momzilla. Panicking. Now the question is, is in he fact already smoking The Weed and if so, when, where and with whom? I really don't think so, if anyone would know what it looks like when your kid comes home stoned...it would be me. See, there are some benefits to having a crazy childhood. sigh.
I'm pretty sure that at the moment, my baby is still pretty pure. I don't think he's been drinking or smoking anything at all, not cigarettes or anything else for that matter. I think he's probably been exploring The Females, but to what extent I don't know. Probably not too much yet, he's very shy in that regard.
Some might be shocked that we are already having this talk at 14, don't be. It's the reality and again, if anyone knows that...it's me.
Aside from the initial trauma of this conversation, I can now reflect on how proud of Max I am and can be. Look at him, how thoughtfully and carefully he thinks about things. Don't ask me how words like "wife" and "marry" have crawled into his daily conversation at 14, but it does more often than this. I think Max wants a big family, I think he fantasizes about it being there when he's a grown man, maybe to compensate for what he feels he doesn't have now. That's fair, it's not his fault he doesn't have a sibling or a huge immediate family like a lot of his friends. He knows he's loved and all I can do now is help support and nurture the sense of family that exists within us and to let him know that from across the miles, he is loved by many. Besides, he's trying on the archetype. Playing with the idea, that he might some day be a husband, a father. It wouldn't surprise me if Max ends up with 5 kids, even if he vehemently denies it now. Let's hope he doesn't do that in the next 10 years or so, this isn't the first 'adult' like conversation Max and I have had about things like drugs or sex. Max is a good looking guy, he's going to get attention, he already does. I am in no way ready to be Grandma at 35, or even earlier, thank you very much.
~ ponders locking Max in the closet for the next 5 years at least ~
So today, I am having a "I handled the Mom thing well" moment. I didn't panic, I didn't even flinch. I was right on my game. Wish I could that every day! Some day I suppose, even the best of us are still but pups in training yes?
Peace out homies.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What Does Your Heart Speak?
When you meet, what does your heart speak?
Are his eyes kind and searching yours?
Do they wash over you like hungry, selfish eagerness?
Does he remind you of someone, perhaps from a dream?
Maybe a heavenly, maybe perilous?
Were his first words to you thoughtful, curious?
Courteous? Interested? Interesting?
What of last night or at first days light?
Do those words still charm you? Woo you? Interest you?
Are his hands gentle, slow, patient?
Would another man pay if he touched you this way?
Can he forgive your insecurities, fears, your inadequacies?
Are you suffering for them and his too?
Is the door held for you, are you treated like a lady?
Not because you demand it, because you are worth it?
Is the door left closed, your needs neglected to meet his own?
Demands, requests, desires go unnoticed?
Do you see your path together, bright, meaningful, calmly meandering?
Too forced, too faked, too far gone?
Did you whisper his name and know it was perfect?
Did he says yours and know it was perfect, for now?
How you long to hear his voice, fill yourself with his smile, breathe him in?
How he must feel the same?
Surely he too must?
How you feel needy for something once endearing, now vulnerable, frightened, alone.
Surely he too does?
Did lazy Sunday mornings remind you of safety, something good, right?
Something you wanted and needed closer to you?
Can you forgive those Sundays now if they've gone forever?
Can you forgive the heart? For it's fickle ways and tendencies to dwadle?
When you meet, what does your heart speak?
***********************************************************************************************************
I wrote this with many people I love, and a few I don't in mind.
The woman we all are that search, hunger, thrive from love and passion.
The men who love us, who give to us, who make efforts to see our smile.
The men who don't, cannot, who still lost in their own cowardice.
I wrote this for all of us who see our partners as valuable, worthy, comfortable...and how easy it can be to loose it.
I wrote this for all the times I've wanted something so badly from someone and then I realized wanting it, simply did not make it so.
I wrote this for all the tears I've blinked back because of love, the good and the bad. I am still learning that even the best of people can still hurt you in the worst ways.
I wrote this for all moments I've acted like a complete jack ass because I didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give the man I love everything he needs and deserves from me.
I wrote this for all moments he acted like a complete jack ass because he didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give me everything I need and deserve from him.
I wrote this to remember, forgive, maybe you forget, maybe you don't. But you do your best to move past it and love each other any way.
Are his eyes kind and searching yours?
Do they wash over you like hungry, selfish eagerness?
Does he remind you of someone, perhaps from a dream?
Maybe a heavenly, maybe perilous?
Were his first words to you thoughtful, curious?
Courteous? Interested? Interesting?
What of last night or at first days light?
Do those words still charm you? Woo you? Interest you?
Are his hands gentle, slow, patient?
Would another man pay if he touched you this way?
Can he forgive your insecurities, fears, your inadequacies?
Are you suffering for them and his too?
Is the door held for you, are you treated like a lady?
Not because you demand it, because you are worth it?
Is the door left closed, your needs neglected to meet his own?
Demands, requests, desires go unnoticed?
Do you see your path together, bright, meaningful, calmly meandering?
Too forced, too faked, too far gone?
Did you whisper his name and know it was perfect?
Did he says yours and know it was perfect, for now?
How you long to hear his voice, fill yourself with his smile, breathe him in?
How he must feel the same?
Surely he too must?
How you feel needy for something once endearing, now vulnerable, frightened, alone.
Surely he too does?
Did lazy Sunday mornings remind you of safety, something good, right?
Something you wanted and needed closer to you?
Can you forgive those Sundays now if they've gone forever?
Can you forgive the heart? For it's fickle ways and tendencies to dwadle?
When you meet, what does your heart speak?
***********************************************************************************************************
I wrote this with many people I love, and a few I don't in mind.
The woman we all are that search, hunger, thrive from love and passion.
The men who love us, who give to us, who make efforts to see our smile.
The men who don't, cannot, who still lost in their own cowardice.
I wrote this for all of us who see our partners as valuable, worthy, comfortable...and how easy it can be to loose it.
I wrote this for all the times I've wanted something so badly from someone and then I realized wanting it, simply did not make it so.
I wrote this for all the tears I've blinked back because of love, the good and the bad. I am still learning that even the best of people can still hurt you in the worst ways.
I wrote this for all moments I've acted like a complete jack ass because I didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give the man I love everything he needs and deserves from me.
I wrote this for all moments he acted like a complete jack ass because he didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the ability to give me everything I need and deserve from him.
I wrote this to remember, forgive, maybe you forget, maybe you don't. But you do your best to move past it and love each other any way.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloweeeeeeenieeeeee
Happy Halloween Gang!
I work with a bunch of freaks who insist on celebrating Halloween the ENTIRE month of October (my kind of freaks) and today is the crescendo of this month long celebration!
HALLOWEEN!
This year, it was "Pirates Of The Caribbean, The Black Pearl." I currently have a mast, sails and 'water' surroudning my cube. My row of cubes is serving as the ship. We have a VERY convincing Captain Jack Sparrow (B is a cutie anyway, so you add the Johnny Depp-ish-ness and he's looking pretty piratey) and a whole crew of skally wags!
And moi? Well, all sea-fairing vessels must have a wench and that be me, aye! I'm the Dirty Wench, responsible for keeping these mangy scoundrels in check and on balance! How might I do that? Tis easy as two seagulls mating on the mast! By ensuring each n' every one of these stanky fools is nice n' drunk. B'Sides, these little devils loosen their pockets when they loosen their lips to drink the Devils drink. Tips AHoy! YAR!
I work with a bunch of freaks who insist on celebrating Halloween the ENTIRE month of October (my kind of freaks) and today is the crescendo of this month long celebration!
HALLOWEEN!
This year, it was "Pirates Of The Caribbean, The Black Pearl." I currently have a mast, sails and 'water' surroudning my cube. My row of cubes is serving as the ship. We have a VERY convincing Captain Jack Sparrow (B is a cutie anyway, so you add the Johnny Depp-ish-ness and he's looking pretty piratey) and a whole crew of skally wags!
And moi? Well, all sea-fairing vessels must have a wench and that be me, aye! I'm the Dirty Wench, responsible for keeping these mangy scoundrels in check and on balance! How might I do that? Tis easy as two seagulls mating on the mast! By ensuring each n' every one of these stanky fools is nice n' drunk. B'Sides, these little devils loosen their pockets when they loosen their lips to drink the Devils drink. Tips AHoy! YAR!
More to come....
Monday, October 30, 2006
Baby Daddy Drama
Sunday, October 29th 2006.
Max has an incoming call on his cell phone, the area code is 307. I knew it was his Dad, but I didn't stop Max from answering the phone.
Max: Hello
Sean: Hi Max (I could hear his voice clearly), what are you doing?
Max: Hi Dad, how are you? I'm hanging out with my Mom.
Sean: Can I talk to her?
Max: Yeah, here she is....
Hands phone to me inquisitively. Eyebrows raised, Max was clearly sensing my immediate rise in blood pressure. This is the first time Sean and I have spoken in probably about 7 years.
Sarah: Hello
Sean: Hi Sarah, jeez you still sound like a little girl
~ cringe ~ Just the sound of his voice makes me nauseas....
Sarah: Ha, well, I'm not.
Sean: Oh I know, I know. I hear you are doing well. Bought a new house, have a nice fancy car, doing well for yourself. That's good, that's good.
Sarah: Yes, we are doing well thank you. How are you? (exchanging formal pleasantries, hoping to get this over with ASAP)
Sean: Oh I'm fine, you know I own 2 houses out here in Wyoming. You should come see them sometime. Hey, what I want to know is how you are doing this all, I mean...knowing you.
~ Is it possible to dislike someone this much? ~
Sarah: Are you calling about the child support and visitation issues regarding Max?
Sean: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Sarah: That's really none of your business Sean.
Sean: Oh ok, I won't ask again. I was just wondering, you know..I'm doing really well for myself here in Wyoming, I have a lot of money.
Sarah: Sean, let's talk about child support then.
Sean: You know your little schemes, in California (I was on Medicaid and food stamps while pregnant with his child, go figure?) well that ended up costing me about $6k in damages. Who's going to pay me back for that?
Sarah: I was on Medicaid because I was pregnant with your child and Max and I were both on Medicaid after that b/c you could not provide health care. I was also on Food Stamps because you could not afford to feed us.
Sean: Oh I know, I know...this is all ancient history to you because you never did care about me or us.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: How could you have done that to us Sarah? We were doing so well in California. I loved you and Max. And then you left me, took Max and left me to start your own life with out me.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: Sarah, you know that last time I came to see you? I came to see you because I love you, I didn't even care about seeing Max.
~ Yes, he actually said that ~
Sarah: Sean, I'm sorry that you are hung up on things from the past but all that matters between you and I is Max. I would like to establish a visitation agreement and set up a child support order.
~ Silence On Sean's Part ~
Sarah: I have a great attorney who can help us with this, did you get our letters?
Sean: So all you want is money? You just want me to start writing you blank checks?
Sarah: No, I'd like to set up a child support arrangement, a monthly amount used to support Max. He needs clothing, school supplies, do you want to know how much his health insurance costs each month?
Sean: You want me to pay for health insurance too?
Sarah: No Sean, listen...didn't you get the letters? It was all detailed?
Sean: I got one from your attorney, but no others.
Sarah: That's strange, because I sent them to you twice to the same exact address as where my attorney sent his letter.
Sean: What if I send you $100 bucks, will that get you off my back?
Sarah: Sean, are you serious?
Sean: Why don't you and Max come to Wyoming and we'll have dinner, I'd be happy to spend money on Max AND you. Whatever you want, I have plenty. I need a woman to spend it on.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Are you there?
Sarah: Are you willing to set up a child support agreement and/or visitation?
Sean: Well if you are expecting me to drive to Denver every week, I just can't do that. I have a life here you know, I have bills too. You think MY bills are free?
Sarah: Sean, you owe a lot of child support, we can work with my attorney to get this set up to so it works well for everyone involved but you have to start contributing to the upbringing of your child.
~ I am NOT calm by the way here, my voice is beginning to raise ~
Sean: Sarah, I have resources you know. I mean, I have friends who will help me if you make this legal.
~ Hm, this sounds like a possible threat to me? ~
Sarah: Are you suggesting that you are NOT somehow responsible for helping to support Max?
Sean: I've paid over 20k for Max, remember in California? When you weren't working?
Sarah: You mean when I was having our baby? And stayed home with him b/c child care was completely unaffordable?
Sean: It'll be a cold day in hell Sarah before you ever see a dime from me. You left me! It's your problem.
Sarah: So your not willing to work me directly on this then? I'd really like to come to an agreement if possible, it'll be a lot simpler on all of us.
Sean: I can send you a $100 if you want, will that help?
~ Sarah laughs ~
Sean: I'll tell you what, I'll start sending money every month if it goes directly to Max and he can spend it how ever he wants.
Sarah: No f*cking way Sean, that's completely ridiculous. I'll be happy to give some of that money to Max for spending, but what you aren't hearing is that he needs clothes, FOOD...you know, SUPPORT.
Sean: What do you want from me?
Sarah: I WANT you to pay child support every month, on time, the same amount. I want you to get on board with being a part of Max's life because it's what he wants, are you willing to work me?
Sean: I can't believe you wouldn't let Max come see me last time I was in Colorado.
~ This is a very long story, but has to do with Sean's side of the family trying to sneak behind my back to make it all happen and not a single person coming to me with the request to get them together, pretty shady business ~
Sarah: I didn't keep him from seeing you, no one ever approached me or asked me if Max could come.
Sean: So your going to punish Max?
Sarah: I didn't punish Max (now I'm yelling now) no one asked me. I HAVE sole custody of Max, you have to ASK if you want to see him.
Sean: You won't be able to control him forever Sarah, he's a man. Eventually, he'll figure out that he doesn't need you and he'll be out of there.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Actually, in about a year he's going to figure it out and if he comes here, he's welcome and you might never know where he is.
~ This guy hasn't changed a bit ~
Sarah: Sean, you don't know what your talking about.
Sean: What about my parents? Your keeping Max from them now too?
Sarah: That is not the case, there is a lot going on here that you have no clue about.
Sean: What about the birthday money I sent? My parents were supposed to give it to Max.
Sarah: He hasn't seen it. This has to stop going through your parents, it's time for this to be between us. We are adults.
~ Calmer now, but heart thumping ~
Sean: See, that's the poison apple Sarah. I gave up my whole life in California to come here to be closer to Max, to you. Don't you see that? And you've done nothing but fight me.
Sarah: That's not true, up until this past year I've allowed all the visits to Wyoming with your parents. I stopped it when it started getting out of hand and I've learned quite a few very interesting things since about what goes on during these visits, or what doesn't, meaning I have general concerns about his safety and care when he's with them.
Sean: So your going to try and control everything? He's not going to listen to you, he doesn't even need you any more. Eventually, he'll figure that out and I won't have a problem letting him know it either if I get to see him.
Sarah: You don't know what the hell your talking about Sean.
Sean: I'm not giving you a cent Sarah, nothing..your getting nothing from me. I refuse to just sign my life over after all I've already done.
~ Yeah, can you believe that? ~
Sarah: Ok, this conversation is going nowhere. I'm going to have my attorney get in touch with you to see if an arrangement is possible.
I can't even remember what he said after that cuz I was so angry I just hung up on him. I didn't handle this conversation very well, I wish I'd been stronger, calmer, more mature. But hearing his voice brought up so much for me, so much pain from the past and now, he's threatening me in that underhanded, subtle, manipulative way that he does. Not an ounce of respect for the woman who had his baby and has since worked so hard to make a life for that child, almost completely by myself. I've had help, I won't lie...Mary & Howard, my Dad's family has helped a lot through the years to, but on the day to day...I've done this by myself. Max and I have made a very good life together. Max was just as a big a part of making it happen as me, because he is patient and loving and good.
My biggest fear? That he will some relay this message to Max, send him the message that I am not to be respected. That woman are not to be respected. Max has the foundation, I've done a good job of helping to build that for him. Of instilling kindness, warmth and compassion for all life within him, though I know it already existed within him long before he was born unto this Earth.
My baby will be strong, I know. I will have to be too. It's all just so painful and the fear is very very real, I cannot protect Max from this man at the end of the line. I have legal custody of Max, sole custody which bottom line means what I say goes and I will pull that card where needed. The reality is, however, that ultimately...Max has every right in the world to at least have the opportunity to know his Dad. Albeit awful timing with the teenager thing and all and yes, there is a small, selfish part of me that is terrified that Sean will somehow 'turn' Max on me. But it's a chance I have to take, I have no choice. It wouldn't be right to deny Max his father.
Feelings about Max are clearly at the forefront, after all isn't that what all this fighting is for? At least from my end it is, Sean clearly still has a bruised ego about the whole situation. And, he's got some f*cking nerve the way he talked to me...like he's done a damn thing for us in all this time? Like I OWE HIM something? Like he can still push me around? Like even if I wasn't with Chance, whom I utterly adore and value beyond belief, that I would ever....ever....in a zillion years....EVER even consider being a part of Sean's life in any other way than how it involves Max. ~ shudder ~ My personal disgust for Sean is only surpassed by my love for Max and what it is that HE is owed in this situation. And how in the bloody hell can Sean even in some way, in ANY way act like it's not his responsibility to help support Max? WTF?????
Unbelievable.
Thank the good sweet Goddess that Chance was there to comfort me last night, I was shaking and crying and the tears would not stop...and I couldn't sleep at all. Thank you Chance, I love you and appreciate your support more than you know. I know things have been tough with you in school and all, but you know I'm down for my boo:)
And poor Max...in all of this, all he see's is his Mom walking up the stairs talking to his long lost father and come down later obviously shaken. We talked about it, as much as I could really...I told him that his Dad and I still have a lot of detail to work out, but that we are working on it the best we can and I'll keep him updated. That seems to be enough for him, for now.
Freaking hell.
Max has an incoming call on his cell phone, the area code is 307. I knew it was his Dad, but I didn't stop Max from answering the phone.
Max: Hello
Sean: Hi Max (I could hear his voice clearly), what are you doing?
Max: Hi Dad, how are you? I'm hanging out with my Mom.
Sean: Can I talk to her?
Max: Yeah, here she is....
Hands phone to me inquisitively. Eyebrows raised, Max was clearly sensing my immediate rise in blood pressure. This is the first time Sean and I have spoken in probably about 7 years.
Sarah: Hello
Sean: Hi Sarah, jeez you still sound like a little girl
~ cringe ~ Just the sound of his voice makes me nauseas....
Sarah: Ha, well, I'm not.
Sean: Oh I know, I know. I hear you are doing well. Bought a new house, have a nice fancy car, doing well for yourself. That's good, that's good.
Sarah: Yes, we are doing well thank you. How are you? (exchanging formal pleasantries, hoping to get this over with ASAP)
Sean: Oh I'm fine, you know I own 2 houses out here in Wyoming. You should come see them sometime. Hey, what I want to know is how you are doing this all, I mean...knowing you.
~ Is it possible to dislike someone this much? ~
Sarah: Are you calling about the child support and visitation issues regarding Max?
Sean: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Sarah: That's really none of your business Sean.
Sean: Oh ok, I won't ask again. I was just wondering, you know..I'm doing really well for myself here in Wyoming, I have a lot of money.
Sarah: Sean, let's talk about child support then.
Sean: You know your little schemes, in California (I was on Medicaid and food stamps while pregnant with his child, go figure?) well that ended up costing me about $6k in damages. Who's going to pay me back for that?
Sarah: I was on Medicaid because I was pregnant with your child and Max and I were both on Medicaid after that b/c you could not provide health care. I was also on Food Stamps because you could not afford to feed us.
Sean: Oh I know, I know...this is all ancient history to you because you never did care about me or us.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: How could you have done that to us Sarah? We were doing so well in California. I loved you and Max. And then you left me, took Max and left me to start your own life with out me.
~ Total Silence ~
Sean: Sarah, you know that last time I came to see you? I came to see you because I love you, I didn't even care about seeing Max.
~ Yes, he actually said that ~
Sarah: Sean, I'm sorry that you are hung up on things from the past but all that matters between you and I is Max. I would like to establish a visitation agreement and set up a child support order.
~ Silence On Sean's Part ~
Sarah: I have a great attorney who can help us with this, did you get our letters?
Sean: So all you want is money? You just want me to start writing you blank checks?
Sarah: No, I'd like to set up a child support arrangement, a monthly amount used to support Max. He needs clothing, school supplies, do you want to know how much his health insurance costs each month?
Sean: You want me to pay for health insurance too?
Sarah: No Sean, listen...didn't you get the letters? It was all detailed?
Sean: I got one from your attorney, but no others.
Sarah: That's strange, because I sent them to you twice to the same exact address as where my attorney sent his letter.
Sean: What if I send you $100 bucks, will that get you off my back?
Sarah: Sean, are you serious?
Sean: Why don't you and Max come to Wyoming and we'll have dinner, I'd be happy to spend money on Max AND you. Whatever you want, I have plenty. I need a woman to spend it on.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Are you there?
Sarah: Are you willing to set up a child support agreement and/or visitation?
Sean: Well if you are expecting me to drive to Denver every week, I just can't do that. I have a life here you know, I have bills too. You think MY bills are free?
Sarah: Sean, you owe a lot of child support, we can work with my attorney to get this set up to so it works well for everyone involved but you have to start contributing to the upbringing of your child.
~ I am NOT calm by the way here, my voice is beginning to raise ~
Sean: Sarah, I have resources you know. I mean, I have friends who will help me if you make this legal.
~ Hm, this sounds like a possible threat to me? ~
Sarah: Are you suggesting that you are NOT somehow responsible for helping to support Max?
Sean: I've paid over 20k for Max, remember in California? When you weren't working?
Sarah: You mean when I was having our baby? And stayed home with him b/c child care was completely unaffordable?
Sean: It'll be a cold day in hell Sarah before you ever see a dime from me. You left me! It's your problem.
Sarah: So your not willing to work me directly on this then? I'd really like to come to an agreement if possible, it'll be a lot simpler on all of us.
Sean: I can send you a $100 if you want, will that help?
~ Sarah laughs ~
Sean: I'll tell you what, I'll start sending money every month if it goes directly to Max and he can spend it how ever he wants.
Sarah: No f*cking way Sean, that's completely ridiculous. I'll be happy to give some of that money to Max for spending, but what you aren't hearing is that he needs clothes, FOOD...you know, SUPPORT.
Sean: What do you want from me?
Sarah: I WANT you to pay child support every month, on time, the same amount. I want you to get on board with being a part of Max's life because it's what he wants, are you willing to work me?
Sean: I can't believe you wouldn't let Max come see me last time I was in Colorado.
~ This is a very long story, but has to do with Sean's side of the family trying to sneak behind my back to make it all happen and not a single person coming to me with the request to get them together, pretty shady business ~
Sarah: I didn't keep him from seeing you, no one ever approached me or asked me if Max could come.
Sean: So your going to punish Max?
Sarah: I didn't punish Max (now I'm yelling now) no one asked me. I HAVE sole custody of Max, you have to ASK if you want to see him.
Sean: You won't be able to control him forever Sarah, he's a man. Eventually, he'll figure out that he doesn't need you and he'll be out of there.
~ Silence ~
Sean: Actually, in about a year he's going to figure it out and if he comes here, he's welcome and you might never know where he is.
~ This guy hasn't changed a bit ~
Sarah: Sean, you don't know what your talking about.
Sean: What about my parents? Your keeping Max from them now too?
Sarah: That is not the case, there is a lot going on here that you have no clue about.
Sean: What about the birthday money I sent? My parents were supposed to give it to Max.
Sarah: He hasn't seen it. This has to stop going through your parents, it's time for this to be between us. We are adults.
~ Calmer now, but heart thumping ~
Sean: See, that's the poison apple Sarah. I gave up my whole life in California to come here to be closer to Max, to you. Don't you see that? And you've done nothing but fight me.
Sarah: That's not true, up until this past year I've allowed all the visits to Wyoming with your parents. I stopped it when it started getting out of hand and I've learned quite a few very interesting things since about what goes on during these visits, or what doesn't, meaning I have general concerns about his safety and care when he's with them.
Sean: So your going to try and control everything? He's not going to listen to you, he doesn't even need you any more. Eventually, he'll figure that out and I won't have a problem letting him know it either if I get to see him.
Sarah: You don't know what the hell your talking about Sean.
Sean: I'm not giving you a cent Sarah, nothing..your getting nothing from me. I refuse to just sign my life over after all I've already done.
~ Yeah, can you believe that? ~
Sarah: Ok, this conversation is going nowhere. I'm going to have my attorney get in touch with you to see if an arrangement is possible.
I can't even remember what he said after that cuz I was so angry I just hung up on him. I didn't handle this conversation very well, I wish I'd been stronger, calmer, more mature. But hearing his voice brought up so much for me, so much pain from the past and now, he's threatening me in that underhanded, subtle, manipulative way that he does. Not an ounce of respect for the woman who had his baby and has since worked so hard to make a life for that child, almost completely by myself. I've had help, I won't lie...Mary & Howard, my Dad's family has helped a lot through the years to, but on the day to day...I've done this by myself. Max and I have made a very good life together. Max was just as a big a part of making it happen as me, because he is patient and loving and good.
My biggest fear? That he will some relay this message to Max, send him the message that I am not to be respected. That woman are not to be respected. Max has the foundation, I've done a good job of helping to build that for him. Of instilling kindness, warmth and compassion for all life within him, though I know it already existed within him long before he was born unto this Earth.
My baby will be strong, I know. I will have to be too. It's all just so painful and the fear is very very real, I cannot protect Max from this man at the end of the line. I have legal custody of Max, sole custody which bottom line means what I say goes and I will pull that card where needed. The reality is, however, that ultimately...Max has every right in the world to at least have the opportunity to know his Dad. Albeit awful timing with the teenager thing and all and yes, there is a small, selfish part of me that is terrified that Sean will somehow 'turn' Max on me. But it's a chance I have to take, I have no choice. It wouldn't be right to deny Max his father.
Feelings about Max are clearly at the forefront, after all isn't that what all this fighting is for? At least from my end it is, Sean clearly still has a bruised ego about the whole situation. And, he's got some f*cking nerve the way he talked to me...like he's done a damn thing for us in all this time? Like I OWE HIM something? Like he can still push me around? Like even if I wasn't with Chance, whom I utterly adore and value beyond belief, that I would ever....ever....in a zillion years....EVER even consider being a part of Sean's life in any other way than how it involves Max. ~ shudder ~ My personal disgust for Sean is only surpassed by my love for Max and what it is that HE is owed in this situation. And how in the bloody hell can Sean even in some way, in ANY way act like it's not his responsibility to help support Max? WTF?????
Unbelievable.
Thank the good sweet Goddess that Chance was there to comfort me last night, I was shaking and crying and the tears would not stop...and I couldn't sleep at all. Thank you Chance, I love you and appreciate your support more than you know. I know things have been tough with you in school and all, but you know I'm down for my boo:)
And poor Max...in all of this, all he see's is his Mom walking up the stairs talking to his long lost father and come down later obviously shaken. We talked about it, as much as I could really...I told him that his Dad and I still have a lot of detail to work out, but that we are working on it the best we can and I'll keep him updated. That seems to be enough for him, for now.
Freaking hell.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
So NOT In A Good Place Today
I've been in the worst mood these past two or three days, making myself and everyone else around me completely and utterly miserable. I feel grumpy, pissed off at the world, everyone hates me and I hate them too, take that! I want to smoke cigarettes very badly. I flipped some poor guy off this morning that cut me off in traffic. Max and Chance are deep dookey every time they talk to me or look at me, it's best for both of them to steer pretty clear of me at the moment. I have back pain that would make Mike Tyson double over in agony.
Being at home, in bed with a good book and some chocolate is all I can think about.
Freaking hormones. Behave DAMMIT!
~ sigh ~
It will pass.
~ sigh ~
While I could probably pass on the volatile mood swings, acne and feeling like I'm trapped in someone else body for a few days I do revel in my feminity and all that it entails. Even if that means I am a complete and utter nuisance for a few days.
At least I haven't smashed a bag of poor defenseless frozen pea's into the wall...today.
Being at home, in bed with a good book and some chocolate is all I can think about.
Freaking hormones. Behave DAMMIT!
~ sigh ~
It will pass.
~ sigh ~
While I could probably pass on the volatile mood swings, acne and feeling like I'm trapped in someone else body for a few days I do revel in my feminity and all that it entails. Even if that means I am a complete and utter nuisance for a few days.
At least I haven't smashed a bag of poor defenseless frozen pea's into the wall...today.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Top 10 Fridays - Reasons Why Fridays Don't Suck!
Hi Everybody,
Welcome to the infamous "Top 10 Fridays" with your host, the infamous and always Mangolicious, Sarah Banarah!
(applause)
Ok boys and girls, today we will be discussing the top 10 reasons why Friday's Don't Suck! This should be a fun and easy one so snuggle up with something (or someone) warm and cuddly and revel in the all the glorious reasons to find yourself happy and full of wonder for life each and every Friday.
(woo hoo, Fridays RULE!)
Oh yes and kiddies, do YOU have a super-duper-fantasmic topic for "Top 10 Fridays?" If so, please send us your name, "Top 10 Fridays" topic and a brief description to ME and I will happily add it to the hat used to select our weekly installments. Remember, I am the DECIDER...achem, sorry I mean, the author of the Top 10 lists presented on "Top 10 Fridays" so your suggestions are totally open to my interpretation (mood) and may or may not be used on the show. Those offering bribes in the form of chocolate, Captain Morgan's, money, sushi, gift certificates, massages and/or conspicuous praise of my obvious intelligence and beauty will most likely have a better chance of getting on the show. Those not bearing gifts and/or arse kissing should refrain from begging or guilt trips because I've gotten wise to this trick.
(applause)
So send in your suggestions ASAP and hey, don't forget to check back every Friday for next weeks "TOP 10 FRIDAYS!"
(woo hoo, Sarah RULES! applause applause applause)
*************************************************************************************
Top 10 Reasons Why Fridays DON'T SUCK!
10. Friday is weekend foreplay.
9. Notice the bluer skies with brighter and warmer rays from the Sun on Fridays?
That's because the Sun is closer to the Earth on Fridays and therefore it's a much better day then Thursday or Monday.
8. I no longer have to share 2 bathroom stalls with 20 women 8+ hours a day for 2 WHOLE days.
7. Did you know that you can eat ANYTHING on a Friday and not gain one single pound?
You can also drink and smoke as much as you want and not feel like total shit the next day. WOW!
6. I wear whatever I want to work. Even my favorite rainbow glitter afro and fuzzy flower slippers!
5. There's comfort in knowing your not the only one blogging, chatting or emailing your lover while feigning interest in your daily duties.
4. It's the best reason I can think of to bump "Shiny Disco Balls" on the way to work.
3. It's a little known fact that Dick Cheney actually grows a soul only once per week, you guessed it! FRIDAY.
2. I can barely contain myself with the idea that on Saturday, I'll still be sleeping at 5:45 AM! whoa.
1. It's freaking Friday and for me, that means BEER NIGHT! WOOP WOOP!
Welcome to the infamous "Top 10 Fridays" with your host, the infamous and always Mangolicious, Sarah Banarah!
(applause)
Ok boys and girls, today we will be discussing the top 10 reasons why Friday's Don't Suck! This should be a fun and easy one so snuggle up with something (or someone) warm and cuddly and revel in the all the glorious reasons to find yourself happy and full of wonder for life each and every Friday.
(woo hoo, Fridays RULE!)
Oh yes and kiddies, do YOU have a super-duper-fantasmic topic for "Top 10 Fridays?" If so, please send us your name, "Top 10 Fridays" topic and a brief description to ME and I will happily add it to the hat used to select our weekly installments. Remember, I am the DECIDER...achem, sorry I mean, the author of the Top 10 lists presented on "Top 10 Fridays" so your suggestions are totally open to my interpretation (mood) and may or may not be used on the show. Those offering bribes in the form of chocolate, Captain Morgan's, money, sushi, gift certificates, massages and/or conspicuous praise of my obvious intelligence and beauty will most likely have a better chance of getting on the show. Those not bearing gifts and/or arse kissing should refrain from begging or guilt trips because I've gotten wise to this trick.
(applause)
So send in your suggestions ASAP and hey, don't forget to check back every Friday for next weeks "TOP 10 FRIDAYS!"
(woo hoo, Sarah RULES! applause applause applause)
*************************************************************************************
Top 10 Reasons Why Fridays DON'T SUCK!
10. Friday is weekend foreplay.
9. Notice the bluer skies with brighter and warmer rays from the Sun on Fridays?
That's because the Sun is closer to the Earth on Fridays and therefore it's a much better day then Thursday or Monday.
8. I no longer have to share 2 bathroom stalls with 20 women 8+ hours a day for 2 WHOLE days.
7. Did you know that you can eat ANYTHING on a Friday and not gain one single pound?
You can also drink and smoke as much as you want and not feel like total shit the next day. WOW!
6. I wear whatever I want to work. Even my favorite rainbow glitter afro and fuzzy flower slippers!
5. There's comfort in knowing your not the only one blogging, chatting or emailing your lover while feigning interest in your daily duties.
4. It's the best reason I can think of to bump "Shiny Disco Balls" on the way to work.
3. It's a little known fact that Dick Cheney actually grows a soul only once per week, you guessed it! FRIDAY.
2. I can barely contain myself with the idea that on Saturday, I'll still be sleeping at 5:45 AM! whoa.
1. It's freaking Friday and for me, that means BEER NIGHT! WOOP WOOP!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Random Thoughts On Winter....
Colorado had it's first snow last night, it was gorgeous. I love the sound of my feet crunching the snow down...stomp stomp...it reminds me of Wisconsin where the winters are VERY cold and snow is very crunchy and heavy. Colorado gets very cold in Jan/Feb, but nothing like Wisconsin where I once went out on the lake in the middle of the winter with my Grandpa Comer and my poor mother sat on the sidelines in utter agony while I squealed for him to do more donuts in that big ole heavy car, sliding atop a very deep and dark lakes in the depths of winter.
I liked Wisconsin when I was a little girl. I have some very interesting memories, it's very pretty up where my family lives and I always liked the house which consist of old school southern plantation style homes and this sort of over-sea's architecture (or so I was told) by the folks who settled there from France. I remember the fish that would nibble my scabs in the lakes, watching my Uncle water skiing on the lake, playing at the park...by the lake.
Lots of lakes, more water than you can imagine in all sorts of random places. Sometimes your driving and you see the massive water looming in the distance and bump right into an inlet of some other body of water. So, I suppose it makes sense that most of my memories as a child involve a lot of water. I was pretty terrified of it actually, the water out there is considered "dead" meaning that the life is not self-sustaining or something, ask my Grandpa Comer. I thought Grandpas must know EVERYTHING and be the nicest guys ever when I was a kid. Both of mine are pretty wonderful dudes.
There are also a lot of trains in Wisconsin too, and they are loud and seemed to go on forever. I used to get very impatient waiting for them, usually because I would have to pee. Why does it always take so long to get places when your a kid, especially when you have to pee? Maybe it was all that water that made me have to pee all the time:)
And of course, there was cheese. Cheese curds, cheese fondue, fried cheese, cheese this, cheese that...etc..etc..cheese! And bratwursts. And fried perch/catfish. Yum, alot of people don't do catfish or perch in other parts of the US, but in Wisconsin...it's GOOD STUFF AYE! I always liked the food growing up there, it taught me to eat hardily and fill up plenty. Mom did teach me to eat lots of veggies early on, for which I am grateful to her for that because otherwise the only vegetable we seemed to eat at family functions was potatoes and corn, which are not particularly high in nutrition. But tasty, with lots of butter and salt. You'd wonder how people out there make it to 40 the way we used to eat, that and EVERYONE smoked then...but...things change I suppose.
I won't touch the Packers football thing cuz I always hated Sundays. When football was on my Uncles and Grandfather weren't paying enough attention to me and since I was the only grand-child for a very long time, this was a pretty big deal when no one was paying attention to me. Actually, my Mom and Grandma were just as bad as the beer drinking, brat munching male traitors, so everyone was on my list by the end of the day. The only thing I liked about Sundays then was that my Mom's homemade potato salad was made the night before to chill and I would munch as much as I wanted while everyone else was distracted. That and deviled eggs, I LOVED THEM! I will admit though, if the Packers won, it was a good day. We would have ice cream and everyone would be happy. If they lost, ugh...you'd think the world had come crashing down upon my family in one afternoon.
Winter always reminds me of Oshkosh, I guess that's where this came from:) Those were strange and soft years in my life, some of them were very hard but I remember how much I liked being around my family as a young girl. Those boys, all of them, my uncles and my grandfather...all completely adored me and doted on me like I was a Princess. My Grandpa called me Princess and the biblical meaning for Sarah is "Princess" so naturally, I thought I was one. What's not to like about being showered with love? Especially when everything was so crazy with my Dad at the time and I was very confused about men, and then when he died...they all tried so hard to really be the "men" in my life. It was a sweet gesture and I think sometimes that's why we came to Colorado, was because my Mom's parents moved here and I think we both needed them at that time for different reasons. I clung to my Grandpa Comer like an annoying ankle biting puppy, followed him everywhere and he would pick on me relentlessly and love me just as recklessly, spoiled the crap out of me and gave me countless opportunities to learn about unconditional love. We could do no wrong in each others eyes, those were good times, even though we were both terribly flawed.
I think that I wasn't allowed to see my Dad's side of the family much for these years, which explains the blank in my memory of them from about 7 to 9ish or so. I thought about them a lot and I know I asked questions, but I think things were turbulent and maybe the dust needed to settle before I could go visit more. I know they loved me just as much as my Grandpa Comer did, I got letters very consistently from my GramE so I always knew they were out "there" though I didn't know where "there" really was. Moving to Colorado was a little disorienting for me at first, but I loved it pretty much right away. My Grandpa got "me" a dog (achem, not mine at all, but Baron loved ME the most anyway!HA) so I had a buddy and I found Maurice (my baby kitty that I grew up with) only a year after we moved here, so I was surrounded by fur and my Grandfathers unconditional love for several years while we all tried to heal from the craziness of those early years in Wisconsin.
Memories are interesting, bring out nostalgia and sentiment....I miss my Grandpa Comer a lot, that's why I have a butterfly tattooed on my butt. Just for him! LAUGH. Some things can't be explained easily sorry.
Our first snow is all but melted unfortunately, it is rather early though I must say and I think it caught us all of guard. Max insisted on riding his bike this morning to school, in the snow. And, tried to get out the door in shorts if you can believe it. Max's California roots bursting through I suppose. He loves the snow though, he used to try and eat it all the time and now he just likes to throw it at me:)
Besides the snow, life is good. I took yesterday off and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned the house to my hearts content. I think there is something wrong with me, the way I can clean for 12 hours and still not feel like it's clean enough. But it was good to be home by myself for a few hours, I appreciate the quietness of my home and the satisfaction of making it my home. I bought some lovely candles and stunk up the house pretty for the afternoon while I was home. I can't wait for Chances family to be in town for Thanksgiving, to show them how much work we've done on the house, how it's finally coming to feel like a "home." A home that would not be possible without them.
I had a real conversation with Pam last night, the 1st in many moons. Coupled with the snow, that might be were all this Wisconsin detail came from. It was good to talk to her, she's so busy with school and Jim is traveling alot so I know she gets sorta lonely when he's out of town. We are different birds, I think she's getting to the point of being able to see that just because I might think or feel or be a different individual, it is not some how a reflection of her...it is a reflection of me as my own person. I'm 30 years old, but I know she still finds herself thinking of me as a young child, which in terms of life is still very very young.....I can see how that's possible I think with Max being the age he is now. They are always your babies right? It's an awkward time now, between us too...I've grown and changed so much this past year, I don't know who I am sometimes when I'm around here. It's conflicting, old patterns and behaviors and new ones and how they intermingle and how you'd like them to separate into healthy progressive interactions. I guess it takes time? What I do know, is that like my father, I have some healing and forgiving to do with her. And like him, I owe it to her to try and do so. She deserves a chance, I no longer wish to harbor anger and resentment toward her.
I love you Mom.
BTW: This is a fantastic book, I just got done reading it from the library. Crys & Amy, I think you might enjoy it very much. It's a fantastic story about a brilliant and progressive young woman and her life story which touches on so many of the paths we find ourselves on sometimes as women.
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Gwyneth-Jones/dp/0974655929
Love to you all.
S
Monday, October 16, 2006
It's Good To Be Drama Free
We had a busy weekend, we'd intended to be busier but got somewhat distracted. Chance bumped into a friend of his downtown a few weeks back, we'll call him Dude X and Dude X has a wife, so naturally her name would be Mrs. X. C mentioned the encounter to me, but I didn't really think much about it except that this particular couple are from C's old school crew, which is always a good opportunity to get the goods on C's life pre-Mango/Maxter.
So this weekend, we are working on the basement and what not and C said, "Hey I'm going to go grab Dude X and we'll come back have a few beers and he'll be on his way." I thought, ok cool, C's been working hard and I'm sure could use a little time with the guys. Let's just say it turned into a bit more activity then that and Dude X brought Mrs. X and next thing you know we are all having quite a bit of fun.
We invited the crew, a few showed, a few didn't. I was happy to see Matt (we needed a good sit down) and Helen (the red looks so good on you girl) and another long time friend of mine came over for a bit and it was a pretty wonderful evening over all. Oh yeah, and J popped in and forgot his cell phone AGAIN! But I was happy to see him, he's just a pup but he's a good kid I think. Trying hard to be anyway and that's a good start.
However, there was one fundamental aspect to the evening that made me the happiest of all. That night, I saw the range of drama's occurring all around. Lover, friendship, sister, brother, children, work, the whole gambit. Some times it cannot be helped, relationships so often require some mucking about to figure out how it all works. And even when it "works" sometimes people just fuss and nitpick with one another.
But I looked at C and thought to myself, It's Good To Be Drama Free. Even if it's just for a minute.
C and I have managed to get our lives into an ever healthier place, reaching different levels of growth within ourselves and with one another. Our love, trust and ability to cohabitate peacefully has grown exponentially in the past few months. 2006 started in a pretty crazy way, due in part because we weren't able to draw boundaries where needed and also because I think C & I both were pretty overwhelmed with all the changes and were sort of functioning the best we could, but I'm not sure how connected we were during those first few months at the new place. It's a lot, a big transition.
This is not to say that C and I will never have another argument, find ourselves really frustrated with each other or our situation, etc...etc...it's part of the deal. But for this moment in time, I found myself so happy within the core of myself about the work we've been doing, the decisions we've made about our lives, our health, our love. Just happy that Chance was there, that we'd some how find each other in all the madness.
One thing that was made brilliantly clear to me this weekend is that who you have in your life does matter, their energy, their activities, the entire interaction...it matters. It matters because the energy that surrounds the spirits in your every day experience can be profoundly positive and emphasize progress and some times they are not. What I saw this weekend enforced for me that this life I have is incredibly valuable. The love I share with my child and my partner, the love they have for me, the choices we are making in an effort to become some thing more, to live with integrity, to live with passion and compassion. It is not all for not, it is worthwhile. And this whole experience is much to short to be unhappy or in a bad way, much to short.
So, I will take this as a lesson learned in living in the drama-free realm as much as is humanly possible. And since we are all prone to it from time to time, I will reserve what I saw this weekend for those days when I find myself barking at Chance over something petty or hounding Max for the umpteenth time to clean his room. Or beating myself down because I made a mistake. Because there is so much to be thankful for, so much. SO MUCH!
So this weekend, we are working on the basement and what not and C said, "Hey I'm going to go grab Dude X and we'll come back have a few beers and he'll be on his way." I thought, ok cool, C's been working hard and I'm sure could use a little time with the guys. Let's just say it turned into a bit more activity then that and Dude X brought Mrs. X and next thing you know we are all having quite a bit of fun.
We invited the crew, a few showed, a few didn't. I was happy to see Matt (we needed a good sit down) and Helen (the red looks so good on you girl) and another long time friend of mine came over for a bit and it was a pretty wonderful evening over all. Oh yeah, and J popped in and forgot his cell phone AGAIN! But I was happy to see him, he's just a pup but he's a good kid I think. Trying hard to be anyway and that's a good start.
However, there was one fundamental aspect to the evening that made me the happiest of all. That night, I saw the range of drama's occurring all around. Lover, friendship, sister, brother, children, work, the whole gambit. Some times it cannot be helped, relationships so often require some mucking about to figure out how it all works. And even when it "works" sometimes people just fuss and nitpick with one another.
But I looked at C and thought to myself, It's Good To Be Drama Free. Even if it's just for a minute.
C and I have managed to get our lives into an ever healthier place, reaching different levels of growth within ourselves and with one another. Our love, trust and ability to cohabitate peacefully has grown exponentially in the past few months. 2006 started in a pretty crazy way, due in part because we weren't able to draw boundaries where needed and also because I think C & I both were pretty overwhelmed with all the changes and were sort of functioning the best we could, but I'm not sure how connected we were during those first few months at the new place. It's a lot, a big transition.
This is not to say that C and I will never have another argument, find ourselves really frustrated with each other or our situation, etc...etc...it's part of the deal. But for this moment in time, I found myself so happy within the core of myself about the work we've been doing, the decisions we've made about our lives, our health, our love. Just happy that Chance was there, that we'd some how find each other in all the madness.
One thing that was made brilliantly clear to me this weekend is that who you have in your life does matter, their energy, their activities, the entire interaction...it matters. It matters because the energy that surrounds the spirits in your every day experience can be profoundly positive and emphasize progress and some times they are not. What I saw this weekend enforced for me that this life I have is incredibly valuable. The love I share with my child and my partner, the love they have for me, the choices we are making in an effort to become some thing more, to live with integrity, to live with passion and compassion. It is not all for not, it is worthwhile. And this whole experience is much to short to be unhappy or in a bad way, much to short.
So, I will take this as a lesson learned in living in the drama-free realm as much as is humanly possible. And since we are all prone to it from time to time, I will reserve what I saw this weekend for those days when I find myself barking at Chance over something petty or hounding Max for the umpteenth time to clean his room. Or beating myself down because I made a mistake. Because there is so much to be thankful for, so much. SO MUCH!
Friday, October 13, 2006
10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Then Working....In No Particular Order
1) Tae Bo Boot Camp" DVD
Kickboxing has long been a favorite of mine, it's such a powerful release of energy AND you get a Grade-A, #1 work out. It gets everything, calves, thighs, butt, abs/hips and of course upper body. You sweat hard and definitely know you've been working out. Plus, even the sweet little Mango loves to kick and punch away her work week.
2) "Power Yoga For Weight Loss" DVD
I miss my yoga, I used to be so active in it and I've had a hard time getting back on track. Partly because of my schedule and lack of QUIET (key element here) time for myself. I particularly like this DVD because there are three participants involved in beginner, intermediate and advanced poses and you can pick and choose what bests suits you. Plus, you have the opportunity to really push yourself. I'm VERY fond of Warrior Poses as they can be somewhat challenging for balance and there is something extremely empowering about them. I'm not terribly fond of the Arm Balance poses as my upper body is pretty weak these days, but I still grunt and cuss my way through them, even if I'm only on the beginners level poses.
3) Going To The Eye Doctor
This sounds pathetic, but I haven't been in far too long. My night vision has gotten alarmingly bad and long hours at the computer leave everything looking a little blurry by the end of the day most day. I just can't afford it mostly, I haven't had vision coverage on my insurance for quite some time. I guess I shouldn't complain, at least I have insurance.
4) Chilling With Max
He's particularly sweet this week, something has come over him and I'm like the best Mom ever and he's pretty thrilled about life. It's fun to be a Mom when your kids likes you:)
5) Snuggling Up With Chance
He's not home much these days, and when he is, he's very focused on school work. Any moment in which I have his full attention is much appreciated. But, I've never been so proud of him. It's like falling in love with him all over again, the idea that he's so unafraid to challenge himself, his creativity, the way his face lights up when he's having meaningful discussions. It's good stuff. Plus, I LOVE all his neat art supplies, books and projects.
6) Cleaning Out My Basement
I know, I'm weird. But there is a mountain of boxes that need to examined. Better late then never right?
7) Reformatting My Blogg
I have some idea's, but have to research carefully which site I might want to switch to and I'd really like to customize my own. We'll see what I find. I also have a ton of pics to post, so....yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.
8) Playing With My Pug Dog(s)
In Sarah's fantasy world, I would have two baby Pug Dogs. One black and one tan/cream. They would be different genders and might be brother/sister...might not. I don't believe in breeding, so if they come my way in a pair (they get lonely easily) that would be even better. They would love me and be my ever faithful companions and sneak up on Chance and Max and nip their bums on my command. Whoops, I mean...give Pugly kisses to Max and Chance on my command. And I could take them with me every way I go. And they would be my squishees:) But I'd settle for any smallish dog we could have, pound puppy or otherwise;)
9) Reading Alternet.org
My favorite info site and I don't get nearly enough time together. It makes me sad.
10) SLEEEPING!
Because even the most beautifullest Mango's need their beauty sleep! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Kickboxing has long been a favorite of mine, it's such a powerful release of energy AND you get a Grade-A, #1 work out. It gets everything, calves, thighs, butt, abs/hips and of course upper body. You sweat hard and definitely know you've been working out. Plus, even the sweet little Mango loves to kick and punch away her work week.
2) "Power Yoga For Weight Loss" DVD
I miss my yoga, I used to be so active in it and I've had a hard time getting back on track. Partly because of my schedule and lack of QUIET (key element here) time for myself. I particularly like this DVD because there are three participants involved in beginner, intermediate and advanced poses and you can pick and choose what bests suits you. Plus, you have the opportunity to really push yourself. I'm VERY fond of Warrior Poses as they can be somewhat challenging for balance and there is something extremely empowering about them. I'm not terribly fond of the Arm Balance poses as my upper body is pretty weak these days, but I still grunt and cuss my way through them, even if I'm only on the beginners level poses.
3) Going To The Eye Doctor
This sounds pathetic, but I haven't been in far too long. My night vision has gotten alarmingly bad and long hours at the computer leave everything looking a little blurry by the end of the day most day. I just can't afford it mostly, I haven't had vision coverage on my insurance for quite some time. I guess I shouldn't complain, at least I have insurance.
4) Chilling With Max
He's particularly sweet this week, something has come over him and I'm like the best Mom ever and he's pretty thrilled about life. It's fun to be a Mom when your kids likes you:)
5) Snuggling Up With Chance
He's not home much these days, and when he is, he's very focused on school work. Any moment in which I have his full attention is much appreciated. But, I've never been so proud of him. It's like falling in love with him all over again, the idea that he's so unafraid to challenge himself, his creativity, the way his face lights up when he's having meaningful discussions. It's good stuff. Plus, I LOVE all his neat art supplies, books and projects.
6) Cleaning Out My Basement
I know, I'm weird. But there is a mountain of boxes that need to examined. Better late then never right?
7) Reformatting My Blogg
I have some idea's, but have to research carefully which site I might want to switch to and I'd really like to customize my own. We'll see what I find. I also have a ton of pics to post, so....yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.
8) Playing With My Pug Dog(s)
In Sarah's fantasy world, I would have two baby Pug Dogs. One black and one tan/cream. They would be different genders and might be brother/sister...might not. I don't believe in breeding, so if they come my way in a pair (they get lonely easily) that would be even better. They would love me and be my ever faithful companions and sneak up on Chance and Max and nip their bums on my command. Whoops, I mean...give Pugly kisses to Max and Chance on my command. And I could take them with me every way I go. And they would be my squishees:) But I'd settle for any smallish dog we could have, pound puppy or otherwise;)
9) Reading Alternet.org
My favorite info site and I don't get nearly enough time together. It makes me sad.
10) SLEEEPING!
Because even the most beautifullest Mango's need their beauty sleep! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Premonitions
As a young girl, I sometimes had "feelings" about others that I could not explain. I once had an experience in which I met a man in a laundry mat who wanted to play a video game with me, he smiled at me and I experienced something that might described as a vision of him committing a violent act toward a girl about my age with blonde hair, perhaps even murder. I don't know the outcome because it terrified me so deeply that I somehow stopped the "vision" mid stream and ran as fast as I could back to my mother. I never saw the man again and I thought carefully about that day as I grew older. Did I imagine what I saw? Did he just give me the creeps and my mind went wild with vivid possibilities? Was what I saw something he'd already done? Was what I saw that day something he might've done to me if he's somehow lured me away from that laundry mat?
This sort of thing happened more than once, this account being the most prominent for me personally. I never told anyone about it (adults rarely believe children I learned at a very young age, especially about something so far fetched) but I continued to feel these intense and strange rushes of information that suddenly washed over me. About people I knew, didn't know...my friends, a teacher once, random cashier at McDonalds, even my cat. Usually it wasn't anything scary or seemingly substantial, just these quick flashes of life type stuff. Though, there were moments that I was rather startled.
As I grew up, I think I sort of denied it into nonexistence. Or maybe I didn't know how to nurture something so seemingly conceptual and unconventional, or if I should even. I think humans are born with an intuition that is slowly sponged out until there's nothing left and it's merely left as an impression within us. People are easily controlled when they are not actively conscious, right? But, we all have those senses about people, places, things. Something you can't quite put your finger on. Instances of De Ja Vue (which science dismisses as the memory playing tricks on itself) in which a faint resemblance of the current "reality" exists in some unknown, otherworldly awareness. What might happen if we'd fostered these senses since birth? Encouraged rather than discouraged? Imagine the impacts on our collective consciousness?
My intuition as a woman, as a being, it's still thriving. Even after I was frightened of it and attempted to beat it into submission. I revisit the concept often and go through periods of working internally to build upon and trust my internal voice. When I am not continually doing so, I find myself feeling lost and sort of unbound to myself. When I do not trust it, I later agonize over that decision and this life has given me ample opportunity to do so. It's only taken me 30 years, a couple of selfish resistant actions to the murmurings of "The Voice" for me to fully realize and accept it's existence openly and comfortably.
It's very easy for some to cast aside the idea that we as humans, have premonitions, intuition...even physic abilities. It's hard for me to understand how someone could deny it. All animals have senses, varying and wide in their depth and nature. Why shouldn't we? At some point, I doubted it myself. Sure, someone might be able to take a certain set of circumstances and draw from it conclusions and/establish a scenario or outcome. Definitely, we all do it, every day as we walk to school or drive to work or pet the neighbors dog or read of the worlds happenings on the Net. That's called being "observant." It's a pretty necessary tool to our survival.
But cultures long ago reveled and praised the "visions" described by tribal elders, medicine women, spirit guides. We have some how lost this knowledge and the ability to respect it. I might challenge the world to revisit the idea of actively nurturing their Minds Eye, the intuitions of existence, finding guidance and meaning from a long forgotten sense...and to trust in what we find there.
This sort of thing happened more than once, this account being the most prominent for me personally. I never told anyone about it (adults rarely believe children I learned at a very young age, especially about something so far fetched) but I continued to feel these intense and strange rushes of information that suddenly washed over me. About people I knew, didn't know...my friends, a teacher once, random cashier at McDonalds, even my cat. Usually it wasn't anything scary or seemingly substantial, just these quick flashes of life type stuff. Though, there were moments that I was rather startled.
As I grew up, I think I sort of denied it into nonexistence. Or maybe I didn't know how to nurture something so seemingly conceptual and unconventional, or if I should even. I think humans are born with an intuition that is slowly sponged out until there's nothing left and it's merely left as an impression within us. People are easily controlled when they are not actively conscious, right? But, we all have those senses about people, places, things. Something you can't quite put your finger on. Instances of De Ja Vue (which science dismisses as the memory playing tricks on itself) in which a faint resemblance of the current "reality" exists in some unknown, otherworldly awareness. What might happen if we'd fostered these senses since birth? Encouraged rather than discouraged? Imagine the impacts on our collective consciousness?
My intuition as a woman, as a being, it's still thriving. Even after I was frightened of it and attempted to beat it into submission. I revisit the concept often and go through periods of working internally to build upon and trust my internal voice. When I am not continually doing so, I find myself feeling lost and sort of unbound to myself. When I do not trust it, I later agonize over that decision and this life has given me ample opportunity to do so. It's only taken me 30 years, a couple of selfish resistant actions to the murmurings of "The Voice" for me to fully realize and accept it's existence openly and comfortably.
It's very easy for some to cast aside the idea that we as humans, have premonitions, intuition...even physic abilities. It's hard for me to understand how someone could deny it. All animals have senses, varying and wide in their depth and nature. Why shouldn't we? At some point, I doubted it myself. Sure, someone might be able to take a certain set of circumstances and draw from it conclusions and/establish a scenario or outcome. Definitely, we all do it, every day as we walk to school or drive to work or pet the neighbors dog or read of the worlds happenings on the Net. That's called being "observant." It's a pretty necessary tool to our survival.
But cultures long ago reveled and praised the "visions" described by tribal elders, medicine women, spirit guides. We have some how lost this knowledge and the ability to respect it. I might challenge the world to revisit the idea of actively nurturing their Minds Eye, the intuitions of existence, finding guidance and meaning from a long forgotten sense...and to trust in what we find there.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Blogg Construction
I've long been wanting to revise my blogg, being that I'm a fairly long winded individual I need more space to fit my mindless meanderings on the page. That said, you'll probably see some changes in the coming weeks.
I'll keep you posted.
Also, I've linked to a few of my fellow bloggers that I regularly visit...including a very special student of mine whom we all are very proud of. WOOP WOOP!
I also linked to Crys, MG and Ms. Ma Dukes....please advise if you are some how profoundly offended by this ASAP:) I know I've asked you all in the past so I wasn't tooo worried about getting the blogger beat down.
Loves to ya'lls peeps...more to come....
I'll keep you posted.
Also, I've linked to a few of my fellow bloggers that I regularly visit...including a very special student of mine whom we all are very proud of. WOOP WOOP!
I also linked to Crys, MG and Ms. Ma Dukes....please advise if you are some how profoundly offended by this ASAP:) I know I've asked you all in the past so I wasn't tooo worried about getting the blogger beat down.
Loves to ya'lls peeps...more to come....
Monday, October 02, 2006
The Absent Blogger
Where to begin....mostly, it's just organized chaos.
Max's schedule is keeping us both insanely busy, November 4th (The last soccer game) cannot come fast enough as far as I'm concerned. I love it, and he loves it...but I long for the days when I can actually get things done around the house on weeknights and have dinner with Max instead of rushing to and fro.
He was playing flag football after school and opted out of that on his own b/c it really was just not working with everyone else. I was proud of him for making that decision on his own, I thought it was a very mature and proactive measure to avoiding the same downfalls he's found himself in before.
We've had some bumps along the way with the new school year, but I gather he's on the upswing and I defiantly see that he's putting in a great deal of effort toward achieving higher grades and all around generally better behavior. Maybe, just possibly, I am thinking he's starting to see that positive action and behavior has equally positive results, i.e....time with friends, more freedom to go to "cooler" locations like the skate park and hang out at Dairy Queen with his buddies, etc. There was about a 2 week period in which I essentially had to put the hammer down on him (not my favorite activity), which of course he did not appreciate and I then became The Ogre Mother From Hell. There was a lot of head butting, pissing and moaning and stomping of stairs. But it was needed, the transition between the freedom of summer and the mega-structured school year is quite an adjustment, plus, he seems to have to test the waters every now and then to see if I am going to be consistent. His timing with this, of course, is always impeccable. He has some sort of little radar that starts beeping when Mom is already ultra stressed, it's like "Her defenses are low, ready...aim...FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One thing I know for certain, living with a teen age boy requires a great deal of humor, love, support and the occasional fire under his ass by the people who love him.
My work situation has exploded into a super-nova of upper management politics, middle level micro-management and some extremely needy and somewhat incompetent finger pointers. It was REALLY bad for about a week (about the same week Max's teachers were calling alot and I was getting the evil eye from EVERYONE at my house) and I almost walked out. Not because I hate my job, but because I just cannot tolerate any level of abuse at this point. I was getting no support from management, the clients were being on the verge of ridiculous and every attempt I made to put my foot down was met with yet more whining and finger pointing.
And then, I told the client if they weren't happy, they could find another developer. And then I went completely off on my supervisor. And then I left early for the day and went home and pet my cat and tried to envision a calmer, quieter place that involved the ocean, and my cat...and me. Just us, all alone...quietly purring the days away.
Putting my foot down seems to have quieted the nay-sayers as since my rather forceful, but still professional rebuttal to both my clients and supervisor must have made an impact, as since...things are just...better. I am not allowing the client to play their games and holding supervisors accountable. I don't think they like it all that much either, but I do think that whether they appreciated my confrontation about the situation or not, they know I am right and some changes need to be made. So, we'll see.
Needless to say, I am ever on the hunt to rejoin my much loved non-profit sector, so I am keeping my eyes open. In the interim, I am pleased with the results of my taking a stand. It's so sad, but so true...people often mistake kindness and tolerance for weakness (i.e....an excuse to stomp all over a person) and in my case, it is yet one more lesson in which I am learning that though laying down the boundaries isn't always easy, it's a necessary evil as it seems that the general population doesn't have alot of common sense respect for one another and you must send an openly explicit message that says "Um, no. You can't take advantage of me, be rude or inappropriate or a general all jerk-weed to me. Thanks anyway. Have a nice day!"
One exceptionally valuable lesson I've learned in these past several years is that I cannot assume that others will treat me with the same open, unassuming way in which I initially approach all relationships. This does not mean I have some gift in dealing with people (some times to quite the contrary) but I know that I trust until given a reason not to, and I am still learning that I must take action when that trust is broken instead of waiting around for the situation to become more satisfying on it's own. This applies to professional relationships as well as personal. It is a fact of life I don't truly understand, but accept as a truth that I am still learning to ground myself in and be open to learning from.
Proactive. good word.
Home life is ok. We've all been sniffling and coughing off and on, I was hit particularly hard this weekend. But am back on top today, sort of. The boys rarely seem to get sick. I've noticed that Chance and I have a pattern that involves nitpicking one another to death and bickering when our respective lives become overly chaotic or stressful. It's an unfortunate thing in my mind as I'd rather strive to make extra efforts to love one another more so during those times, to soften the blows and surround the outside harshness with our love...but this pattern we're involved is one I fear might be hard to break. We are BOTH guilty of it, we both handle stress differently and we are both still adjusting to the whole concept of sharing a life together and figuring out what that really means. We've been together 2 years in November, it certainly doesn't seem that long and we've accomplished so much together. We must be doing some thing right!
Chance starts school this week, I'm really proud of him. The camera that came with his supply kit is off the freaking hook! It's SUCH a nice camera, I'm shocked that they give these to the students as part of their supplies...but I guess this is real life college and you get the goods when you go to a school like AI. It better be for (brace your self) $400+ A CREDIT! Can you believe that?
Chance has already managed to catch me in a number of extremely unflattering poses, but I thought to myself yesterday as he was shooting pictures of me coming out of the bathroom in my pajama's...well this should make the folks happy:) I am terrible at sending pictures, now...everyone will have some high quality images of the house, the cat, Max, me...the stove...the sky, Chance is on a role already! I am quite certain that by the time he is through, Chance will no how to transform me into the goddess on film that I am in person. Ta Da....Mango On A Tree, Mango In The Bathtub, Mango's Shoulder....pure beauty LOL.
Outside of my glamour shot fantasies, I'm curious about how Chance will apply his new skills to his work and his art. Chance is extremely talented in a number of ways. It is one of the things that drew me to him like budding flowers to the sun. Sigh. I did fall for him so hard to, in such a way, I can't even tell you. Achem..anyway....I've also thought that a collaboration between (if we could let our ego's subside a bit) us could go places, but this is his time to shine and I am sure he will in the most luminescent ways. There's so much potential here for him, in terms of his future. I think this educational path provides him with numerous opportunities to tangible translate his art to the world. That's an extremely exciting possibility, isn't it? I am so proud of him for jumping on this, Chance has an exceptional eye for not letting a good thing pass him by:)
As for me...well, my focus is going to be on these boys pretty much for a bit. Keeping the house in order (our washer putzed out this weekend, draggg!) and I want very desperately to get on track with my physical self again. I've missed her, buried under the 25 lbs of smokers weight I've gained...it's time to reclaim that once shapely, voluptuous body of mine and feel the burn (and oh so satisfying) of loosing fat and building muscle. I'm sort of on this track of wanting to get us all in better shape at home and making better food choices. Chance is going to be so busy with school, his head will be spinning...so I want to try and make sure we are all eating well. Spiritually, I am feeling some draw toward doing some internal work. I've spent a great deal of time in these past few years on establishing work situations, relationships and trying to build a home with my family. At this point, it is now time for me to fit in the things I need for me to be a healthy and whole person into the mix and not in ways that are counterproductive to that healthy and whole being I strive to be.
Good times all, will keep you updated as updates become available.
Also, let me remind you that mid-term elections are coming up soon. Please, please, please for the love of humanity...VOTE!!!!!! If you aren't registered, you have like...I don't know, 2 or days at this point.... so get on it!
Max's schedule is keeping us both insanely busy, November 4th (The last soccer game) cannot come fast enough as far as I'm concerned. I love it, and he loves it...but I long for the days when I can actually get things done around the house on weeknights and have dinner with Max instead of rushing to and fro.
He was playing flag football after school and opted out of that on his own b/c it really was just not working with everyone else. I was proud of him for making that decision on his own, I thought it was a very mature and proactive measure to avoiding the same downfalls he's found himself in before.
We've had some bumps along the way with the new school year, but I gather he's on the upswing and I defiantly see that he's putting in a great deal of effort toward achieving higher grades and all around generally better behavior. Maybe, just possibly, I am thinking he's starting to see that positive action and behavior has equally positive results, i.e....time with friends, more freedom to go to "cooler" locations like the skate park and hang out at Dairy Queen with his buddies, etc. There was about a 2 week period in which I essentially had to put the hammer down on him (not my favorite activity), which of course he did not appreciate and I then became The Ogre Mother From Hell. There was a lot of head butting, pissing and moaning and stomping of stairs. But it was needed, the transition between the freedom of summer and the mega-structured school year is quite an adjustment, plus, he seems to have to test the waters every now and then to see if I am going to be consistent. His timing with this, of course, is always impeccable. He has some sort of little radar that starts beeping when Mom is already ultra stressed, it's like "Her defenses are low, ready...aim...FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One thing I know for certain, living with a teen age boy requires a great deal of humor, love, support and the occasional fire under his ass by the people who love him.
My work situation has exploded into a super-nova of upper management politics, middle level micro-management and some extremely needy and somewhat incompetent finger pointers. It was REALLY bad for about a week (about the same week Max's teachers were calling alot and I was getting the evil eye from EVERYONE at my house) and I almost walked out. Not because I hate my job, but because I just cannot tolerate any level of abuse at this point. I was getting no support from management, the clients were being on the verge of ridiculous and every attempt I made to put my foot down was met with yet more whining and finger pointing.
And then, I told the client if they weren't happy, they could find another developer. And then I went completely off on my supervisor. And then I left early for the day and went home and pet my cat and tried to envision a calmer, quieter place that involved the ocean, and my cat...and me. Just us, all alone...quietly purring the days away.
Putting my foot down seems to have quieted the nay-sayers as since my rather forceful, but still professional rebuttal to both my clients and supervisor must have made an impact, as since...things are just...better. I am not allowing the client to play their games and holding supervisors accountable. I don't think they like it all that much either, but I do think that whether they appreciated my confrontation about the situation or not, they know I am right and some changes need to be made. So, we'll see.
Needless to say, I am ever on the hunt to rejoin my much loved non-profit sector, so I am keeping my eyes open. In the interim, I am pleased with the results of my taking a stand. It's so sad, but so true...people often mistake kindness and tolerance for weakness (i.e....an excuse to stomp all over a person) and in my case, it is yet one more lesson in which I am learning that though laying down the boundaries isn't always easy, it's a necessary evil as it seems that the general population doesn't have alot of common sense respect for one another and you must send an openly explicit message that says "Um, no. You can't take advantage of me, be rude or inappropriate or a general all jerk-weed to me. Thanks anyway. Have a nice day!"
One exceptionally valuable lesson I've learned in these past several years is that I cannot assume that others will treat me with the same open, unassuming way in which I initially approach all relationships. This does not mean I have some gift in dealing with people (some times to quite the contrary) but I know that I trust until given a reason not to, and I am still learning that I must take action when that trust is broken instead of waiting around for the situation to become more satisfying on it's own. This applies to professional relationships as well as personal. It is a fact of life I don't truly understand, but accept as a truth that I am still learning to ground myself in and be open to learning from.
Proactive. good word.
Home life is ok. We've all been sniffling and coughing off and on, I was hit particularly hard this weekend. But am back on top today, sort of. The boys rarely seem to get sick. I've noticed that Chance and I have a pattern that involves nitpicking one another to death and bickering when our respective lives become overly chaotic or stressful. It's an unfortunate thing in my mind as I'd rather strive to make extra efforts to love one another more so during those times, to soften the blows and surround the outside harshness with our love...but this pattern we're involved is one I fear might be hard to break. We are BOTH guilty of it, we both handle stress differently and we are both still adjusting to the whole concept of sharing a life together and figuring out what that really means. We've been together 2 years in November, it certainly doesn't seem that long and we've accomplished so much together. We must be doing some thing right!
Chance starts school this week, I'm really proud of him. The camera that came with his supply kit is off the freaking hook! It's SUCH a nice camera, I'm shocked that they give these to the students as part of their supplies...but I guess this is real life college and you get the goods when you go to a school like AI. It better be for (brace your self) $400+ A CREDIT! Can you believe that?
Chance has already managed to catch me in a number of extremely unflattering poses, but I thought to myself yesterday as he was shooting pictures of me coming out of the bathroom in my pajama's...well this should make the folks happy:) I am terrible at sending pictures, now...everyone will have some high quality images of the house, the cat, Max, me...the stove...the sky, Chance is on a role already! I am quite certain that by the time he is through, Chance will no how to transform me into the goddess on film that I am in person. Ta Da....Mango On A Tree, Mango In The Bathtub, Mango's Shoulder....pure beauty LOL.
Outside of my glamour shot fantasies, I'm curious about how Chance will apply his new skills to his work and his art. Chance is extremely talented in a number of ways. It is one of the things that drew me to him like budding flowers to the sun. Sigh. I did fall for him so hard to, in such a way, I can't even tell you. Achem..anyway....I've also thought that a collaboration between (if we could let our ego's subside a bit) us could go places, but this is his time to shine and I am sure he will in the most luminescent ways. There's so much potential here for him, in terms of his future. I think this educational path provides him with numerous opportunities to tangible translate his art to the world. That's an extremely exciting possibility, isn't it? I am so proud of him for jumping on this, Chance has an exceptional eye for not letting a good thing pass him by:)
As for me...well, my focus is going to be on these boys pretty much for a bit. Keeping the house in order (our washer putzed out this weekend, draggg!) and I want very desperately to get on track with my physical self again. I've missed her, buried under the 25 lbs of smokers weight I've gained...it's time to reclaim that once shapely, voluptuous body of mine and feel the burn (and oh so satisfying) of loosing fat and building muscle. I'm sort of on this track of wanting to get us all in better shape at home and making better food choices. Chance is going to be so busy with school, his head will be spinning...so I want to try and make sure we are all eating well. Spiritually, I am feeling some draw toward doing some internal work. I've spent a great deal of time in these past few years on establishing work situations, relationships and trying to build a home with my family. At this point, it is now time for me to fit in the things I need for me to be a healthy and whole person into the mix and not in ways that are counterproductive to that healthy and whole being I strive to be.
Good times all, will keep you updated as updates become available.
Also, let me remind you that mid-term elections are coming up soon. Please, please, please for the love of humanity...VOTE!!!!!! If you aren't registered, you have like...I don't know, 2 or days at this point.... so get on it!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Our Deepest Fear...
Our Deepest Fear...
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were all born to manifest the glory of God within us.
It's not just some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically
liberates others. -Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were all born to manifest the glory of God within us.
It's not just some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically
liberates others. -Marianne Williamson
Monday, September 11, 2006
Back In The Saddle....or, getting there....
Random thoughts....
Probably like alot of us, 911 is a forefront thought in my mind. It really is such a sad day, no matter what you believe or what your thoughts are...it's hard not to feel the emotion of that event. The media rhetoric this year is like, unbelievable. I don't even know what to think about it, we watched some of "The Path to 911" on ABC tonight. It was so horrible, we had to turn it off. I'm not sure what we were thinking, I knew it would enrage Chance....(um DUH)...but I didn't realize how much it would upset me until I started watching some of it. We are not idiots, that program...was insulting. Literally, like I thought to myself....does the media corporation really think that people aren't going to see through this? Some of it is blatant propaganda, not to mention the poor quality of how the movie was presented. It's like a cheesy soap opera, or some twisted version thereof. Preying on the emotional toll of massive loss of life. I'm not sure what else to say, except I know one thing for sure and that is when my son is a grown man he probably won't remember much about what life was like here before 911. Before our government turned into what it has become. And I will have to explain it to him some how, how things like mass murder and war change a culture, and how it ever got to this point? I don't know the answer to that.
I know it's a hard day for a lot of us for different reasons, so it's not something I need to speak on elaborately or in much more detail. Because it means something different to all of us.
Onward....I received a lovely email from my Aunty MB that sparked in me much warmth. It's really amazing how that works, some people are pretty pschyically intuned and know exactly the right words to say or information to send at exactly the right time. It's generally from my girls that I get these little messages of love and comfort from afar, perhaps our feminine intuition in all it's lovely glory!?!?!?
So for me, today...even though I'm somber about the historical meaning of this day...I am quite happy about my desktop at home. I'm going to get the link for the specs in case any of my nerd friends (Dane!) want to take a gander, but I'm pretty dang happy with the outcome. Financed this puppy for as cheap as I never ever THOUGHT computers would be back in the day, and here it is all these years later and a brand new shiny shiny desktop w/ all the RAM, SDRAM, Memory, hard disk space, dvd/cd burners, fire wires and USB ports OH MY. The list is long and I was able to customize this puppy for development work, so I'm set up! Now, I just need some contract work? Helllooooooo, clients...I just need one of you, you know like a 50 - 75 hour project with a nice long development time frame? Here clients, heeeeeeeere clients!
Ok, and finally....since I didn't want to blow it I didn't post it on my blogg, but we had a surprise party for Mj for his 14th bday this past weekend (September 9th 2006 was the party, Mj's bday on the 10th) and it was a hit. The look on his face when we opened that door and he realized what was going on....like priceless. I should get a damn credit card for it (terrible tv joke in case you dont know) it's so good.
Will post more detail on this little tidbit soon, but it's damn good fodder for his next few teen years.....I mean there were sombrero's and moraca's! Good times:)
Probably like alot of us, 911 is a forefront thought in my mind. It really is such a sad day, no matter what you believe or what your thoughts are...it's hard not to feel the emotion of that event. The media rhetoric this year is like, unbelievable. I don't even know what to think about it, we watched some of "The Path to 911" on ABC tonight. It was so horrible, we had to turn it off. I'm not sure what we were thinking, I knew it would enrage Chance....(um DUH)...but I didn't realize how much it would upset me until I started watching some of it. We are not idiots, that program...was insulting. Literally, like I thought to myself....does the media corporation really think that people aren't going to see through this? Some of it is blatant propaganda, not to mention the poor quality of how the movie was presented. It's like a cheesy soap opera, or some twisted version thereof. Preying on the emotional toll of massive loss of life. I'm not sure what else to say, except I know one thing for sure and that is when my son is a grown man he probably won't remember much about what life was like here before 911. Before our government turned into what it has become. And I will have to explain it to him some how, how things like mass murder and war change a culture, and how it ever got to this point? I don't know the answer to that.
I know it's a hard day for a lot of us for different reasons, so it's not something I need to speak on elaborately or in much more detail. Because it means something different to all of us.
Onward....I received a lovely email from my Aunty MB that sparked in me much warmth. It's really amazing how that works, some people are pretty pschyically intuned and know exactly the right words to say or information to send at exactly the right time. It's generally from my girls that I get these little messages of love and comfort from afar, perhaps our feminine intuition in all it's lovely glory!?!?!?
So for me, today...even though I'm somber about the historical meaning of this day...I am quite happy about my desktop at home. I'm going to get the link for the specs in case any of my nerd friends (Dane!) want to take a gander, but I'm pretty dang happy with the outcome. Financed this puppy for as cheap as I never ever THOUGHT computers would be back in the day, and here it is all these years later and a brand new shiny shiny desktop w/ all the RAM, SDRAM, Memory, hard disk space, dvd/cd burners, fire wires and USB ports OH MY. The list is long and I was able to customize this puppy for development work, so I'm set up! Now, I just need some contract work? Helllooooooo, clients...I just need one of you, you know like a 50 - 75 hour project with a nice long development time frame? Here clients, heeeeeeeere clients!
Ok, and finally....since I didn't want to blow it I didn't post it on my blogg, but we had a surprise party for Mj for his 14th bday this past weekend (September 9th 2006 was the party, Mj's bday on the 10th) and it was a hit. The look on his face when we opened that door and he realized what was going on....like priceless. I should get a damn credit card for it (terrible tv joke in case you dont know) it's so good.
Will post more detail on this little tidbit soon, but it's damn good fodder for his next few teen years.....I mean there were sombrero's and moraca's! Good times:)
Friday, September 08, 2006
Already?
Max is turning the big 14 on Sunday. It's really too much sometimes, to think of how quickly this life we've created is passing us both by. When he was a baby, I used to daydream about what he'd look like as a young man. I would wonder if that beautiful platinum blonde hair would stay with him through his life and what his laugh would sound like when he grew up. I would do the math to determine our respective ages and milestones. The realization that he would be 14 the year I turned 30 was astonishing, but I really never lingered on this detail because then, it seemed so far away. 30 seemed like an eternity and 14 was almost unimaginable when here he was, just learning to climb at the park and had more then 10 words in his vocabulary.
And now, here it is. It's real. He's closer to being a man than a child and it shows.
Wednesday night we were cooking dinner together and talking (Note: This is usually when we really get into the meat of life together, especially if we are alone because when we are alone he becomes Max again and the bravado subsides) about his day. The way he stood next to me, came up and kissed my cheek and stood beside me, chattering on and munching carrots while I cooked dinner....it was a startling glimpse of him as a man and me as an older woman. It seemed the sort of scenario you'd see any child and Mom in, but this was like...well, I saw him as a man and me still as his Mom when he becomes a man. It was almost physic in nature and while those who know me may think I'd normally be overwhelmed by this, it was extremely soothing and warm and some how affirming that maybe, just maybe this kid is going to be ok.
Then I say to myself....Of course he's going to be "OK"....right?
14 was an extremely traumatic year for me, that summer is when it all happened and my life was changed forever. Again. After that summer, I went into a tail spin downward that I never recovered from. I'm not sure anyone could "recover" from what happened that year. You may overcome, you may heal, but you never forget. The next summer, when I was 15...I met Max's Dad and the rest is history. Those years may have been a pivotal turning point in forming the spirit within me and I never question their validity as I believe those experiences are ultimately what brought Max and I together. But when the memories bubble up, especially of the 2 years or so between my 14th birthday and when Max was born, I feel frozen inside. I become emotionally paralyzed and something that ranges from painful vulnerability to pure rage spews forth. But it's getting better with time, I think.
How this is relevant now? To this topic of this once toddling little powerhouse of energy and big huge lovely blue eyes and a hug that would melt the heart of any ice queen? It's relevant for the following reasons....
Max's life is wide open, he could go in any direction and has a great deal of potential. Like all children (excuse me, young adults), he is but in the first lines of his own book.
14 was a year that markedly changed my entire life. I have some pretty tense fears for Max because of this I think. I KNOW how bad things can get. Of course I don't want that for him. No mother does.
However, it has come to my attention that because my teen years were so extreme, that I am hypersensitive to a potentially similar outcome for Max and I am constantly evaluating our situation in the hopes of helping him to avoid the potential pitfalls of youth that can effect ones entire life.
I cannot punish, judge or crucify him for something he hasn't even done simply because I am terrified that he might end up on the wrong road. Granted, he's made some dumbass maneuvers already...but he's got a fighting chance to have a stellar life, and I must nurture and support that rather than worrying about the "could be's" because my worrying doesn't do anything except plant the seed of negativity and leave it out in the Universe to fester and grow into a potential reality. Think positive right?
Not to mention the fact that Max doesn't need to inherit my dysfunction. It's not his fault I had such a rough time as a kid and he doesn't need to be parented like in some tyrannical fashion to avoid it the same pitfalls that I made.
This isn't about me, this is about him. This is his time to shine, to play football and kiss girls and go to dances and get a drivers license. And hopefully, build some memories along the way that warm his heart as an adult.
And in the mean time, it's my job to consider my own experiences, continue to heal and grow and give this kid every fair shot he's got at life. And that includes sharing what I've learned with him, not living in fear that he'll repeat this cycle. Life will throw him enough challenges, right now he doesn't need to carry the burden of mine. If nothing else, I can teach him how to cope and grow through those challenges.
And really, the best part of all of this is that Max makes it all so easy. In those moments where he does plant a kiss on my cheek for some random reason I'm not aware of, or still does the whole "Mom watch me!" thing, or works hard to study for a test because he just knows he has too....and even when he's being an uber shit and makes me want to pull my hair out, I am so proud of the Man-Child he has quickly become, I'm proud of his heart, his love, his kindness and his boyness. I love that he loves to make people laugh. I love that I get to be part of all of this.
Happy Birthday Max. May 14 bring you muddy days at the bike jumps, crushes on girls, many a soccer goal made, school dances, music that moves you, 8th grade that doesn't suck for you and hopefully, you'll learn a few things about yourself in the midst of all the chaos that is being a teenager.
I love you and some day, you'll know that more than you can right now.
And now, here it is. It's real. He's closer to being a man than a child and it shows.
Wednesday night we were cooking dinner together and talking (Note: This is usually when we really get into the meat of life together, especially if we are alone because when we are alone he becomes Max again and the bravado subsides) about his day. The way he stood next to me, came up and kissed my cheek and stood beside me, chattering on and munching carrots while I cooked dinner....it was a startling glimpse of him as a man and me as an older woman. It seemed the sort of scenario you'd see any child and Mom in, but this was like...well, I saw him as a man and me still as his Mom when he becomes a man. It was almost physic in nature and while those who know me may think I'd normally be overwhelmed by this, it was extremely soothing and warm and some how affirming that maybe, just maybe this kid is going to be ok.
Then I say to myself....Of course he's going to be "OK"....right?
14 was an extremely traumatic year for me, that summer is when it all happened and my life was changed forever. Again. After that summer, I went into a tail spin downward that I never recovered from. I'm not sure anyone could "recover" from what happened that year. You may overcome, you may heal, but you never forget. The next summer, when I was 15...I met Max's Dad and the rest is history. Those years may have been a pivotal turning point in forming the spirit within me and I never question their validity as I believe those experiences are ultimately what brought Max and I together. But when the memories bubble up, especially of the 2 years or so between my 14th birthday and when Max was born, I feel frozen inside. I become emotionally paralyzed and something that ranges from painful vulnerability to pure rage spews forth. But it's getting better with time, I think.
How this is relevant now? To this topic of this once toddling little powerhouse of energy and big huge lovely blue eyes and a hug that would melt the heart of any ice queen? It's relevant for the following reasons....
Max's life is wide open, he could go in any direction and has a great deal of potential. Like all children (excuse me, young adults), he is but in the first lines of his own book.
14 was a year that markedly changed my entire life. I have some pretty tense fears for Max because of this I think. I KNOW how bad things can get. Of course I don't want that for him. No mother does.
However, it has come to my attention that because my teen years were so extreme, that I am hypersensitive to a potentially similar outcome for Max and I am constantly evaluating our situation in the hopes of helping him to avoid the potential pitfalls of youth that can effect ones entire life.
I cannot punish, judge or crucify him for something he hasn't even done simply because I am terrified that he might end up on the wrong road. Granted, he's made some dumbass maneuvers already...but he's got a fighting chance to have a stellar life, and I must nurture and support that rather than worrying about the "could be's" because my worrying doesn't do anything except plant the seed of negativity and leave it out in the Universe to fester and grow into a potential reality. Think positive right?
Not to mention the fact that Max doesn't need to inherit my dysfunction. It's not his fault I had such a rough time as a kid and he doesn't need to be parented like in some tyrannical fashion to avoid it the same pitfalls that I made.
This isn't about me, this is about him. This is his time to shine, to play football and kiss girls and go to dances and get a drivers license. And hopefully, build some memories along the way that warm his heart as an adult.
And in the mean time, it's my job to consider my own experiences, continue to heal and grow and give this kid every fair shot he's got at life. And that includes sharing what I've learned with him, not living in fear that he'll repeat this cycle. Life will throw him enough challenges, right now he doesn't need to carry the burden of mine. If nothing else, I can teach him how to cope and grow through those challenges.
And really, the best part of all of this is that Max makes it all so easy. In those moments where he does plant a kiss on my cheek for some random reason I'm not aware of, or still does the whole "Mom watch me!" thing, or works hard to study for a test because he just knows he has too....and even when he's being an uber shit and makes me want to pull my hair out, I am so proud of the Man-Child he has quickly become, I'm proud of his heart, his love, his kindness and his boyness. I love that he loves to make people laugh. I love that I get to be part of all of this.
Happy Birthday Max. May 14 bring you muddy days at the bike jumps, crushes on girls, many a soccer goal made, school dances, music that moves you, 8th grade that doesn't suck for you and hopefully, you'll learn a few things about yourself in the midst of all the chaos that is being a teenager.
I love you and some day, you'll know that more than you can right now.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Daughters
I'm having one of those days in my life where I'm really missing my Dad. I have these days sometimes, I'm not sure what sparks the emotion but on these days I find my eyes filled with tears and my heart heavy with grief. I think there are those who can't understand this, because I was so young when he passed....I didn't really know him. These same people still hold a great deal of resentment toward him, resentment I no longer choose to allow into my own spirit and heart. But there are still others who I know can understand and can allow me to grieve and feel the loss, without questioning it or having judgment of me for it.
It's tricky stuff, the loving someone who is gone from your life....someone maybe you don't how to feel about, but someone you WANT to love. Someone you wish could still love you back, someone you wish you could know or understand.
I think alot of this is imaginary for me, it's very easy for me to create this fantasy character in my mind of who and what my father was, or what might have become. But regardless of any potential conceptual idea's I have of this man, I do know that he loved me. I can hear it and see it in the eyes of my Grandmother, and so I except that as the truth of his legacy for me.
This song, written by John Mayer, "Daughters"...I've posted it here before. But I think it's a very powerful song and it certainly speaks to my heart when I'm allowing myself to feel the pain of this loss and acknowledge it, instead of pushing it into a place that does not surface. I think for me, this song represents the beauty of the daughter/father bond and the relevance.
Enjoy.
*************************************************
John Mayer - "Daughters"
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart
On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.
It's tricky stuff, the loving someone who is gone from your life....someone maybe you don't how to feel about, but someone you WANT to love. Someone you wish could still love you back, someone you wish you could know or understand.
I think alot of this is imaginary for me, it's very easy for me to create this fantasy character in my mind of who and what my father was, or what might have become. But regardless of any potential conceptual idea's I have of this man, I do know that he loved me. I can hear it and see it in the eyes of my Grandmother, and so I except that as the truth of his legacy for me.
This song, written by John Mayer, "Daughters"...I've posted it here before. But I think it's a very powerful song and it certainly speaks to my heart when I'm allowing myself to feel the pain of this loss and acknowledge it, instead of pushing it into a place that does not surface. I think for me, this song represents the beauty of the daughter/father bond and the relevance.
Enjoy.
*************************************************
John Mayer - "Daughters"
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart
On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.
Friday, September 01, 2006
>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE
>>>These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paull, a former
>>>Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes:
>>>"The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars.
>>>I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger.
>>>If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good."
>>>
>>>
>>>*AT LEAST IN VIETNAM, BUSH HAD AN EXIT STRATEGY
>>>
>>>*BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM
>>>
>>>*IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT
>>>
>>>*POVERTY, HEALTHCARE & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES
>>>
>>>*OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT
>>>
>>>*BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT
>>>
>>>*RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME
>>>
>>>*GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)
>>>
>>>*BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR
>>>
>>>*PRO AMERICA, ANTI BUSH
>>>
>>>*WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT
>>>
>>>*FEEL SAFER NOW?
>>>
>>>*I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED
>>>HIS COUNTRY
>>>
>>>*JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST - THAT IS A LIBERAL
>>>
>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE
>>>
>>>*IS IT 2008 YET?
>>>
>>>*DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson
>>>
>>>*DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!
>>>
>>>*ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE; THINK FOR YOURSELF
>>>
>>>*VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT
>>>
>>>*HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL
>>>
>>>*STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE
>>>
>>>*GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM
>>>
>>>*KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY
>>>
>>>*DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?
>>>
>>>*ASPIRING CANADIAN
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION
>>>
>>>*DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM
>>>
>>>*STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE
>>>
>>>*HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>>>
>>>*HONOR OUR TROOPS - DEMAND THE TRUTH
>>>
>>>*REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?
>>>
>>>*FACT: BUSH OIL
>>>1999 - $19 BARREL
>>>2006 - $70 BARREL
>>>
>>>*THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE
>>>STAKE
>>>
>>>*I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT
>>>
>>>*SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - IMPEACH BUSH
>>>
>>>*HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?
>>>
>>>Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes:
>>>"The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars.
>>>I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger.
>>>If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good."
>>>
>>>
>>>*AT LEAST IN VIETNAM, BUSH HAD AN EXIT STRATEGY
>>>
>>>*BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM
>>>
>>>*IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT
>>>
>>>*POVERTY, HEALTHCARE & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES
>>>
>>>*OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT
>>>
>>>*BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT
>>>
>>>*RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME
>>>
>>>*GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)
>>>
>>>*BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR
>>>
>>>*PRO AMERICA, ANTI BUSH
>>>
>>>*WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?
>>>
>>>*IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT
>>>
>>>*FEEL SAFER NOW?
>>>
>>>*I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED
>>>HIS COUNTRY
>>>
>>>*JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST - THAT IS A LIBERAL
>>>
>>>*MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE
>>>
>>>*IS IT 2008 YET?
>>>
>>>*DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson
>>>
>>>*DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!
>>>
>>>*ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE; THINK FOR YOURSELF
>>>
>>>*VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT
>>>
>>>*HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL
>>>
>>>*STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE
>>>
>>>*GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM
>>>
>>>*KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY
>>>
>>>*DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?
>>>
>>>*ASPIRING CANADIAN
>>>
>>>*CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION
>>>
>>>*DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM
>>>
>>>*STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE
>>>
>>>*HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
>>>
>>>*HONOR OUR TROOPS - DEMAND THE TRUTH
>>>
>>>*REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?
>>>
>>>*FACT: BUSH OIL
>>>1999 - $19 BARREL
>>>2006 - $70 BARREL
>>>
>>>*THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE
>>>STAKE
>>>
>>>*I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT
>>>
>>>*SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - IMPEACH BUSH
>>>
>>>*HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?
>>>
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Not Terrible....but a bummer.
I have to type this quickly as I have been moved out of the safety of the more remote location of my former cube to this...PLACE that I am now. It's a long story and I choose not to complain about it cuz I do have to work here, but we are hiring new developers and they wanted all the C## developers on one side, the testers in one spot and the SQL programmers in another. That leaves me, the lowly classic ASP developer to fend for herself and deal with wherever they stick me...and of course, they stuck me in the WORST spot imaginable. Highest amount of traffic, noise and the light over my cube is so dim I feel like it's raining outside all day b/c I have no natural light.
I'm not very happy about this. I voiced my opinions, to no avail. Got shut down before the words even got out of my mouth.
Not to mention the bigger picture implications about my position, it's safe to assume at this point that it may eventually be squeezed out. I doubt I'd get laid off, they'd just roll me over into a .Net developer...which would rock, no doubt...but I am fast learning that this company doesn't communicate so well with it's employee's until the very last minute.
Over the weekend, my home desktop took a digger. It's a goner pretty much, not sure if it's even recoverable. I'm still not ready to talk about this. All I can do now is hope we can at least get some of the files backed up, I don't know...hard to say.
What this does mean, is that my internet resources are pretty much down to the bare basics, please do not be offended if you do not hear much from me until I get the home thing figured out....which I am not sure how we will get another box set up at home any time soon, we'll see.
I intend to practice much ritual until I am, again, in the favors of the Technology Goddesses.
I'm not very happy about this. I voiced my opinions, to no avail. Got shut down before the words even got out of my mouth.
Not to mention the bigger picture implications about my position, it's safe to assume at this point that it may eventually be squeezed out. I doubt I'd get laid off, they'd just roll me over into a .Net developer...which would rock, no doubt...but I am fast learning that this company doesn't communicate so well with it's employee's until the very last minute.
Over the weekend, my home desktop took a digger. It's a goner pretty much, not sure if it's even recoverable. I'm still not ready to talk about this. All I can do now is hope we can at least get some of the files backed up, I don't know...hard to say.
What this does mean, is that my internet resources are pretty much down to the bare basics, please do not be offended if you do not hear much from me until I get the home thing figured out....which I am not sure how we will get another box set up at home any time soon, we'll see.
I intend to practice much ritual until I am, again, in the favors of the Technology Goddesses.
Friday, August 25, 2006
A Small, But Crucial Stepping Stone
3 years and countless efforts by conservatives to deny women their reproductive rights, finally "The Morning After Pill" has been approved by the FDA and is now legally and OTC option to prevent pregnancy.
The Morning After Pill
I know that I, like many women's activist organizations out there, am NOT pleased that this option has been limited to only women over the age of 18.
Women under 18 get raped too.
America also has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the "Western World." HELLO PEOPLE....why are some so eager to deny teenagers the right to avoid a life that statically can be a lonely uphill struggle for the parents and the child? Max and I are potentially a success story in this scenario, so many are not. Teen pregnancy has long been this countries dirty little secret and there is very little support for teen parents that has the potential to empower them, so much of the resources out there often condemn these children who are having children to a life time of dependency on the government, their families, drugs, alcohol....what have you, the current cycle does NOT work, so why not empower these kids NOW, while they have a choice...before they become parents?
Not to mention the blatant misconception by some that if you instruct a teen to be abstinent, they will do it. HELLO AGAIN PEOPLE....being sexual is a very normal part of human development and it starts earlier than our culture seems to want to acknowledge. Teaching them to respect themselves and their potential partners and to be safe and protect themselves seems a more tangible approach.
The idea of controlling pregnancy has been around long before the birth control pill, condoms, IUD or any of the other commonly used birth control measures of today even existed. I just think how women avoided pregnancy was a bit more secret, a secret that I think women kept to themselves. We now live in a time where we know people are having sex and sex not only has the potential to create life, but it can now kill you. We have NO choice but to protect ourselves and our bodies!
In spite of my frustrations over the age requirements to access this birth control option, I am extremely hopeful for the women who can. It feels like another small victory towards women ultimately having the right to choose for ourselves and protect our bodies.
I think the next challenge in this issue will be how available access truly is to "Plan B." I predict a slew of pharmacies and health care providers refusing to carry or sell the product. Protests for those who do. I also don't think that now that this option is legal, that their will not be forces actively working to demonize it.
Until then, for those of you who lobbied for FDA approval on this issue...congratulations - this work will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
The Morning After Pill
I know that I, like many women's activist organizations out there, am NOT pleased that this option has been limited to only women over the age of 18.
Women under 18 get raped too.
America also has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the "Western World." HELLO PEOPLE....why are some so eager to deny teenagers the right to avoid a life that statically can be a lonely uphill struggle for the parents and the child? Max and I are potentially a success story in this scenario, so many are not. Teen pregnancy has long been this countries dirty little secret and there is very little support for teen parents that has the potential to empower them, so much of the resources out there often condemn these children who are having children to a life time of dependency on the government, their families, drugs, alcohol....what have you, the current cycle does NOT work, so why not empower these kids NOW, while they have a choice...before they become parents?
Not to mention the blatant misconception by some that if you instruct a teen to be abstinent, they will do it. HELLO AGAIN PEOPLE....being sexual is a very normal part of human development and it starts earlier than our culture seems to want to acknowledge. Teaching them to respect themselves and their potential partners and to be safe and protect themselves seems a more tangible approach.
The idea of controlling pregnancy has been around long before the birth control pill, condoms, IUD or any of the other commonly used birth control measures of today even existed. I just think how women avoided pregnancy was a bit more secret, a secret that I think women kept to themselves. We now live in a time where we know people are having sex and sex not only has the potential to create life, but it can now kill you. We have NO choice but to protect ourselves and our bodies!
In spite of my frustrations over the age requirements to access this birth control option, I am extremely hopeful for the women who can. It feels like another small victory towards women ultimately having the right to choose for ourselves and protect our bodies.
I think the next challenge in this issue will be how available access truly is to "Plan B." I predict a slew of pharmacies and health care providers refusing to carry or sell the product. Protests for those who do. I also don't think that now that this option is legal, that their will not be forces actively working to demonize it.
Until then, for those of you who lobbied for FDA approval on this issue...congratulations - this work will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
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