To All My Butt Cheeks!

Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap separates them once in a while, but in the end, they always come
back together!

Send this to all the butt cheeks you know!

Finding The Time

The ever demanding events of school and soccer have returned, finding time to write in my blogg could prove difficult. I've not had a chance to even account for our vacation or the current going on's at home.

The short answer: Vacation was extremely restful and this rest was sorely needed. I did not a damn thing. Slept, ate, drank some wine and took Max to 6 Flags. Good times. Though it took me almost a week to clean up after that week, when Mom doesn't do dishes or clean for a week...it's um....noticeable.

Max starts school tomorrow and turns 14 on September 10, 2006. I certainly consider him a full blown teenager at this point, his moods can be trying and the occasional bouts of sweetness that accidentally pour forth endearing. He still loves his Momma and knows he has a good life, even if he's oh so totally tortured at the moment.

C also starts school in October. I am so completely ecstatic for him. The opportunities for growth from this experience are endless. My only complaint is that I fear he's going to burn out a little. We won't be seeing much of each for several months at a time, from about October through late December and then it will all start again in January 2007 until March or April I think. We will have to master the art of stealing quite moments with one another when we can. This complaint aside, I support him 100% and know that when life brings opportunities, you must jump on them. I am so proud of him for jumping. He is a good man and I love him.

My work, oh man. Where would I start? It's hard to know, but what I DO know is that the demanding schedule of these past 6 months will continue until at least the end of the year. In a recent conference call, my main client has ominously promised "to keep me as busy as ever" until mid December. My project may also switch supervisors/project managers mid process...I'm not even sure how to consider THAT little detail into the next several months. I also like how no one mentioned this to me, I found out through the job announcement that the new Project Manager would be managing me and my projects. PDC is notorious for it's poor direct communication, unless of course you are on the "A List" of employees...ie...Senior Developers, Lead SQL Developers....I am but a lowly developer. Ah well, as long as the new PM doesn't come in trying to micro-manage me to death, I think all will be fine.

I suspect the fall brings for me a tricky balancing act. I will be sporting my invisible Super Mango cape, brewing up some sort of energy concoction to keep me refreshed and ready for anything - AND definitely have to be on top of my game. No slippage allowed. After all, it takes quite a woman to maintain a health work/life balance, provide excellent services to my clients, manage a household (whether others see it that way or not), a 14 year old in junior high, a 30 something in college who works full time and maintain some level of sanity.

Oh, did I mention I might take on a contract client too? Gotta generate funds for Crys & Dane's wedding dontchya know!

Yep, I'm the shiznit!

Go Mango, yer so good...Go Mango!

PS: So, if you see me...looking tired, a little anxious and babbling to myself, don't worry...it's just a side effect of Fall Madness.

PPS: Sam got a new apartment and is moving in this weekend, YAY Sam! Can't wait to see the new pad yo!

Hi Kids

~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~ ~ Peep ~

~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~ ~ Waves ~

~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~ ~ Smooch ~

I am so crazy at work after get back from vacation and probably will be for a while....just a quick hello, a wave and a kiss to let you all know that I am still functional and out and about.....

A special shout out to my Aunty MB who is currently traveling India and I know must be really engaged in the experience, I am thinking of you every day Aunty...arms wide open, trying to absorb some of that amazing experience from afar...I can't wait to hear every single detail. Imagine, Buddha's every where. And the sacred people of that land, wow...when I think of it I am overcome. I love you and please be safe.

Will write more soon.... buncha huggaz until next time ;-P

To Say That I Am Ready...Is An Understatement!

I am officially on vacation in 1.27 work days. I'm ready.

Hello....over here....I'm ready!

It's been years since I had a whole week off, years. I can't wait. To hang out with my men, sleep in, eat to much and play XBox Monopoly. We have some plans, but couldn't really afford the things we wanted to do...but my work doesn't know that...shhhhh....I am officially "unavailable"

hee hee

No pager. Which always has a dead battery in it anyways.

No email. I will resist the temptation to check it from home, which might not be too hard since our cable internet is down at home (blink)

No phone. Blessed silence. I will steal this opportunity with great pleasure.

No clients. I love my clients, but I need a break. They are making me crazy at the moment.

So, if I appear to have dissappeared of the face of the Earth...don't worry, I'm just being reclusive in my humble abode, happily honoring my life (and sanity) with gratitude. And wine. Cheers!

Holy Head Cold Batman

I am staring down this monitor with a very fuzzy head, enormous pressure on my sinuses and strange achiness all over my body. All forms of mental clarity have escaped me and I have only one, repetitive and inviting thought.....sleep. sleep. sleep.

Life is really great and I'm working diligently to keep that in mind as I try to get through this day without dozing off.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nose is starting to drip.

Scratchy throat is turning to achy throat.

In general, I feel like ca-ca. poo poo. ick. yuck.

I fear, it might be a head cold.

The sort that will feel like my head is in a vice, that burns my sinuses and dries my throat. I will wander abut the days in a congested haze, attempting at all costs to avoid the dreaded pseudoephedrine laden decongestants only to submit just so I can breathe and open my eyes all the way. And then I'll be even MORE whacked out because whatever it is that is in those heavy duty decongestant makes me feel like a child of the 60's having a flashback. Which if I HAD been a child of the 60's, I would be grateful for the experience, but since I am NOT, it's just uncomfortable.

I will make Chance insane through the night as I toss and turn, blow my nose and try really hard just to rest long enough to feel like I actually got some sleep instead of cursing the damn head cold for betraying me of my much beloved sleep.

Sidenote: It has been brought to my attention that I have not shared with many people the years in which I suffered fairly severe insomnia. Due to stress and an over active mind most likely. I suppose I never spoke of it much with others because it was something I'd suffered with for years and was mostly a normal part of my life. It got interesting during the more stressful periods of my life (the loss of loved ones, being unemployed, Max being sick, surgery) I envied those that could fall asleep in an instant, almost on command, in any location. Chance can do this. It still irritates me. However, I also haven't slept as good as I have in the past year that Chance and I have been living together - so I can forgive him for having the one super-power I wish I had. But my bottom line is that I sleep good now and for those of you who've ever experienced long periods with very little sleep, it is a blessing that I cannot describe in words.

~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~
~ aaaachoooooooooooooo ~

yuck.

Okay then, well....now that I've thoroughly complained and whined and whimpered about something so simple as a common head cold, I'm going to go home and snuggle up in my bed and do a little napping, a little reading and make Chance take care of me when he gets home. That's what this is really all about you know...just making sure that Chance knows JUST how sick I really am so he can come home and take good care of his Mango. wink. wink.

Oh Glorious Day!

Today is a good day (Fav Ice Cube song EVER) even though the ever present drama-demon threatens, I am able to cast it aside without even flinching, nary a thought. Away ye demon, off with you now...buh bye!

I look at this life that I have, this amazing child, I mean he's just incredible. This man whom can see so deeply within me and still loves me so strongly somehow in spite of my oddities and pain. This home I never thought would really happen in a million years. A job where I feel I might settle for a few years and that would be ok, not just ok...it would be pretty good.

For as long as it all lasts, I vow to consciously live within gratitude.

What a strange life this is, how the transition from one level to another can occur within a millisecond. So many of those shifts are unforeseen, but some...like this moment which I find myself more and more each day, these are the shifts that I tentatively may look around and say "I did this. I made this happen." Not because I have some special key or because I have been favored by the Gods, but partly because I've worked so hard. So hard. Struggled. Cried so many big drippy tears that my face seemed permanently streaked for several years. Spent infinite hours considering myself, my family, this universe, love...life, breathing, breathe. Found great strength within myself when there wasn't a single soul in the world who wanted anything to do with the life I was trying to create at that time. Looking externally for so much and realizing that it was all within me, even if it meant I had to suck it up, wipe away the tears and tough it out through the times that WERE really hard; by M.Y.S.E.L.F! I really DID work hard. I gave it 100% and broke my neck and then bruised the hell out of every molecule of my body doing it.

I did it. I achieved. I climbed one more step.

This is not to say that I did not experience enormous influence and guidance or acquire a great many lesson from numerous sources along the way. Max as an influence is quite obvious I am sure, but his very existence breathes life into me and the World. Mary & Howard have been unwavering in their support. The love of Kristen and her family has been crucial, Carin taught me so much I did not know. Could not know. My Aunty MB and my beloved GramE & Grandpa John...their unique lives have encouraged me to be strong and unconditional and open with my love. The talks over the table on Teller, where Crys and I learned we were uniquely different but share the same thought process. And even the friendships that were never destined to be long term in nature or ended poorly, were powerful learning tools about letting go, saying goodbye and forgiveness. And now, Chance. And his Mom. They have brought so much to our lives. So so much.

So, no, I didn't do it alone. But I have worked hard. Damn hard. So damn hard. I am proud of that.

It is only now that I can look at the life around me and have some tangible result of my efforts. As the insanity of previous years winds down, I am anxious about what the future may bring, what experiences life may bestow unto me each day. I sense renewal, a new experience blossoms.

Though I have great pain and fear for our collective World at the moment, I have to trust that Love and Humanity will ultimately reign. We all have to, I believe it is all we have and the more we unite in a positive direction, the more the World may begin to heal and know it as Truth. It's hard not to feel overcome by all the strangeness of this moment in time, but even for all the wars and fighting and rage and intolerance that sometimes fills my view every where I turn, I trust the Love will overcome. Because I can see IT more clearly in my view than the darkness that attempts to pick at IT.

This all may seem very random, but in short, I am just happy. Happy to be alive and live this life. I have fears, they exist...that this all might crumble at any moment, but I can no longer take any stock in that sort of thinking as it's not served me well in the past. I'm just ready. Ready to move on. To grow, to heal, to live, to love.

And perhaps, the reason for all of this? I rolled over this morning to find this on my night stand:

Max had left it for me, it made my whole day. Maybe those Hippies had something after all?

Ya think?

Learning To Fly

I'm in training this week for SQL development, so far a good class. On lunch break now.

Weekend was good, worked on Saturday, had a great talk with my cousin and spent Saturday evening with numerous groups of friends. I've really missed B & his gals, it was nice to have a few moments of one on one with each of them, however fleeting it may be. Matt's lady friend is pretty great and I enjoyed getting to know more about her, I like the way he smiles at her. Great weekend over all:)

Congrats to Miss Crystal on the engagement, wow...freaking cool girl! It's going to be a blast and I'm so happy that Dane was able to make the experience memorable, I told him in IM the other day that you deserve the Princess Treatment and most certainly got it. I'm proud of Dane and incredibley happy for you! YAY:)

Life is good and we are managing to keep it quieter these days, mostly. This coming weekend should be very quiet, it's a weekend for just the 3 of us and I'm looking forward to it very much. This week is going to be sort of odd, so I won't be online much...but off for now.

Much love and toodles.
Peace
Mango Love Nugget

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

We'll miss you Roger (Syd) Barrett (Co-Founder Pink Floyd)

Reports do not indicate when and/or the exact cause of death, but I am saddened by the news as it is painful for a Rock Legend to fall. I believe his influence in music is wide-reaching and I am certain his former band-mates are mourning this loss tremendously. However, it is also widely known that Syd was a pretty tortured and pained individual, perhaps now he can rest and be at ease.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond!
"Come on you raver, you seer of visions, "
"come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!"

Put On A Happy Face

How does that song go?

"Gray skies are gonna clear up,"
"Put on a happy face;"
"Brush off the clouds and cheer up,"
"Put on a happy face."
Bye Bye Birdie

I've never heard that song all the way through and am sure I've only heard it in movies and the like, but I'm taking it's advice today....

It's been raining in Colorado for several days, but the heat is returning and I am so grateful for the rain we had over the weekend. We needed it so badly and it was nice and cozy, a good way to spend the few short days we are given each week to spend with our families and loved ones. The weekend....it was pretty great, I could use many many more like it. It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that we didn't have something filling it up the entire time. There weren't people at our house all weekend, there weren't excessive chores to be done, nobody had to work and my Little Man came home from the Grandparents in a fairly light and happy mood, for which I am truly greatful.

We met with C's family for Sunday lunch as his Grandfather was in town, what a treat to meet him! Though I was telling Max that Gayle & Chance must get their eyes from Gayle's Mom cuz Robert's (Gayle's Dad) are a brilliant and playful blue. Robert also just turned 70 this year which is like shocking when you meet him, whatever he's done his whole life to be in such great spirits and health, he could probably sell it in a bottle. Chance and I were discussing our hopes that we might be so lucky to have look so great in 40 years! We both agreed that laying of the Mexican food and beer would be a good start ;-)

It was also very sweet of Gayle to treat us all to such a great lunch, we are so broke and a good meal out was desperately needed. We will miss her so much, I worry that C isn't really showing his true feelings about them moving to California. I am heartbroken for one and I know Max is pretty sad too, but we keep rationalizing that California isn't that far away really, if we had to drive it or something it's doable.

I am looking forward to another, somewhat quiet weekend ahead. I hate to wish my life away by speeding through the weeks and longing for the weekends, but I think I am at that point in life where I'm just a bit fried on the whole work thing. I know, I know...I'd better suck it up. I've got what...another 35+ years of working ahead of me. sigh. ok, that's depressing. I love what I do, I love where I work...I just wish I had a bit more free time to be at home with my family. Even if just for a while, Max is growing so fast and I love my home but never have enough time in it.

I am finding myself absolutely exhausted a lot of the time, it's making it hard to get up and do anything but drag my butt to work and maybe get home and do some laundry and cook dinner. It's starting to concern me a bit, when I mentioned it to my doctor his instant response was that I was likely depressed and need Xanax, here Sarah, let me write you a prescription and dope you up like the other 2/3rds of America. No thanks, I am looking into another physician. If I am depressed, I don't want to fix it with a pill...I want to figure out why and get healthy, but mostly I think I am just worn down and often feel like I have very little, if any help because I do have a great deal of responsibility and most of it is not the kind that one can get help with. Except the guys can do things like put the toaster away when they are done with it or wipe up their crumbs or (gasp) actually put their dishes in the dishwasher. But otherwise, it's mostly stuff I have to do anyway. It's just life right?

Suck it up and put on a happy face. That's my motto for the day. It sounds a little bitter doesn't it? Doh...ah well, I don't mean to be. I, like most other working Mom's I know, just want a break...maybe a long term one that doesn't involve living my life in my car and working for a company that may appreciate me to some degree, but I am easily replaceable and therefore a drone. Like on a beach somewhere, sipping fruity drinks and looking absolutely fabulous doing so (cuz I magically lost 30 lbs) with Chance and watching Max frolic in the water.

sigh.

Calgon, take me away!

Not much new....

Here's a pic of Max sneaking up on me while I am cleaning the bathroom, he scared the crap out of me actually, enough to make me laugh pretty hard and then scold him for scaring his Momma Bear......

Not the most flattering, but hey...I'm a working Mom with 2 males that keep me pretty busy and a whole lot going on my crazy head...it's hard to be Goddess Like externally at all times:)

Anyway, not much new to report...life is good, albeit I feel the world has officially gone insane and I am just along for the ride. It's hard too feel positive some days when our bullying has finally caused others to play with their own nuclear toys so openly, there are hunger strikes and I have days where I feel this general sense of dread about the going on's of the world....but a girl's gotta keep her wits about her I suppose, otherwise I'd be brooding a whole lot more than I currently am.

We are off to see "An Inconvenient Truth" this evening and I am eagerly awaiting the return of my not-so-wee Big Man...though I anticipate their will be much attitude upon his return home. Moms' and their sucky rules - jeez! I'm such a horrid woman, really...ask anyone.

Gotta run, looking forward to getting home for a bit of time before CMan gets in and we get ready for another long weekend.

Smoochies Boochies Babies!

Long Weekends.....

....Are never quite long enough are they?

Friday night we wrapped up house cleaning and rested up for Saturday evenings concert. Saturday we were up finishing up some re-organizing we'd started Friday night and ended up working a good portion of the day before we got ready for the show. The house feels more and more like home every day, it's a good place to be:)

Saturday's show was great, The String Cheese Incident is by far one of the best jam bands I've ever seen. What a great vibe, great show and great people.....see my amateur camera phone photo's below:

And of course Chance with the much earned beer in hand while tailgating in the parking lot:


I'm not really sure what to say about the rest of the weekend, we mostly just spent it hanging out with friends. I'm not sure I got the time I was hoping to have with Chance, I was pretty disappointed actually that it didn't worked out as I'd hoped. Hopefully next time we can communicate better about such things. One thing I know for sure is that just as much as communication, forgiveness is a pretty pivotal piece in loving and committing to someone.

I did, however, experience a moment I NEVER thought I'd witness in a million years....


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a bigger event in our house than one might think! While watching movies in my room yesterday afternoon, Pumpkin Cat kept nosing around but not perching in her normal spot by me on the bed because Gaia Cat was snoozing away lazily on the end of the bed and Pumpkin Cat still finds Gaia Cat rather annoying. Pumpkin mewed and purred and did everything to convince me that Gaia Cat should be kicked off the coveted bed spot and Pumpkin could then promptly take over, no fuss, no muss. I think Pumpkin needs to get over it. Gaia didn't even care about Pumpkin trying to get on the bed and was in a Cat Coma (that must be a good place to be because her eyes roll back in her head) and it's always Pumpkin cussing Gaia over some self-declared sense of seniority. So I didn't budge, but did try to coax Pumpkin up on the bed with me in the hopes that these two could finally stand one in another in such close proximity.

Much to my surprise, the coaxing was a success and after a lot of circling and Pumpkin eyeing Gaia carefully out of the corner of her eye while she kneaded my leg and the blanket into a comfortable spot for her sweet old bones, Pumpkin FINALLY laid down and joined Gaia cat in blissful Kitty Nap heaven. sigh.

The fact that I was able to get up and take a picture is even more shocking, neither of them even flinched when I moved off the bed to photograph them there. Has peace finally found our felines at last? Me thinks so:)

Max is still with the Grandparents until Saturday, I miss him terribley and he acts annoyed when I call. Sounds about right I guess for an almost 14-year old.

Ok, back to work...I'm definately not on top of my game this morning and have so much to do, I suppose I'd better get it together and get some work done.

Much love all, hope your long weekend was a good one!

Yes Indoodly Deedy......

I am sharing these quotes with you today....

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."
--Goethe
Because Max's unwavering ability to dream big that bubbles brightly from his youth and obvious kindness inspires me, he inspires me every single day we share together....

Don't fight a problem, solve it!
--Millard Fuller
Founder of Habitat for Humanity International
Because Chance firmly subscribes to this principle and feverently encourages me to do the same when I am whining.....

If things are not going well with you, begin your
effort at correcting the situation by carefully
examining the service you are rendering, and
especially the spirit in which you are rendering it.
--Roger Babson
Because my behaviors may cause others question, but my spiritual journey is very much centered on the growth of my spirit and how it is rendered to the Universe and those whom inhabit it, which includes every bruise, bump and trip up along the way....

The reason a dog has got so many friends is
because its tail waggles and not its tongue.
-Anonymous
Because gossip and spreading people's business is far more dangerous than one might think.....

Busy Bee's

Not much time to write, hopefully tomorrow or very soon I will have time to post my most recent train of thought....

much love all
~ Mango

Finally....

A weekend to myself. A weekend to do as I wish, with my time. We have plans of course, to clean and spend time perking up our every evoloving home a bit...but thank the Good Goddess that life has finally given me the opportunity to breathe and take some comfort in all my efforts.

I am also looking forward to some time with CMan, I miss him. We've had a rough week only b/c I think we are both a little stressed, overworked, underpaid and maybe just maybe we don't really with one another the value and importance of our love. Perhaps we've allowed some very negative distractions too close to home and have some healing to do?

I also have some lovely candles and incense I've been waiting to burn, our house in deeply in need of some cleansing.

All fairs well, not a complaint or gripe.

My only current primary concern is that of the mid-term elections, I am already feeling anxiety over the potential outcomes and locally, I think the fires are already being stoked as the advertisements for my vote have already begun.

My requests as a citizen are pretty basic, common sense stuff really....I'm not sure why that's so difficult to comprehend or achieve.

That part makes me sad:(

But otherwise, on a personal level, life is good the weekend promises to be lovely.

Much love all, catch ya on the flip side
~ Mango

Celebrate Summer Solstice!

Warmest wishes to all on this blessed day, the longest of the year and a day in which we take a moment to acknowledge the power of the sun and the life it bestows upon us!

For Mah Aunty MB (Cuz I love you!)

Aunty,

Here are some much promised pictures, I am sorry it took forever but I am a busy busy woman and admittedly a slacker who takes her sweet time doing just about EVERYTHING...BUT I got a too cool new camera phone (oh boy oh boy oh boy!) which is also an MP3 player and has everything a geeky-girl like myself might appreciate on it...except I've not had much time to play with it all, so we are still figure it out...

BUT...I have some pics for you, as promised. Now the floggings may cease....temporarily at least;)

This is Max at his tournament this weekend, he's wearing the White Jersey and blocking this punk kid (they lost) heading straight toward him.


This is Chance....becuase he refuses to give me a nice smile and show the world is gorgeous eyes, I am posting this very manly, lovely image of him smooching my favorite little Pumpkin Kitty. Hopefully, this will teach him to mind...but I doubt it:)

PS: This Pumpkin Kittie's favored location, otherwise it's the knee....

This is Max looking especially teenagerish in the back of my beloved Baby Jetta.

There will be more to come and I am sure the quality will increase as I figure out the best settings and what not, but have no fear...you will now have pics galore.

Love
Sarah

At the risk of sounding ungrateful for each and every lovely breath bestowed upon me by the grace of the Goddess, I am happy that this week is over. Exuberant. Really.

It's been a long one, some stress, some drama but mostly I am just looking forward to spending some time with my men-folk. Though the weekend is proving busy as ever, I it will be busy being healthy and focusing on that which deserves every ounce of my focus.

Max has a soccer tournament this weekend.
Saturday we have a 10 AM game & 3:30 PM.
Sunday, 9:30 AM & 3:30 (if they place, they play the afternoon, otherwise Sunday afternoon is all ours)

This afternoon, I plan to do a little shopping and then go home and watch my "Meeting People Is Easy" DVD from Netflix. For those of you who have don't know, this is a Radiohead rocumentary directed by Grant Gee and I've never been able to rent it anywhere until now, bless you Netflix, you are my hero. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00000IPG9/103-8846372-3765434?v=glance&n=130

Also, for those of you who don't know (duh, if you know me, you know this) Radiohead would be in heavy rotation on "Sarah's Life: The Soundtrack." You may also find my favorite indie rockers like Natalie Merchant and Coldplay, a dose of Massive Attack/Portishead trip-hop, a good healthy portion of 90's and early 2000's hip-hop rap (yo) and round it off with all my classics ranging from Supertramp & Tesla or maybe a little 80's Depeche Mode doh and don't don't don't forget to sprinkle my favorite, late night, boogey down girl beats...some good ole fashion, bass booming in your heart, tempo making your mind crazy....Techno like Mr. Paul Oakenfoald or ATB. Can't forget Bruce Cochburn and Francis Dunnery, ala Chances influence. Yep yep uh huh, woo hoo:) It would take me years to get all this stuff into one collection and probably a few brains cells.

~ shakes it off ~

That was a nice tangent, but now I am of course thinking of how long it's been since I did some mixing and burned some cd's. It's due time I'd say, really though...really what's on the forefront of my musical mind are 2 things:

1) ipod nano....ipod nano....IPOD NANO people!
It's rare that I pine for something material, I mean sure I might want something shiny to wear on my person or those cute chunky shoes or a new tattoo, but I am rarely impulsive enough to just go buy it (even if I have the money) because I want it. I generally have to make myself buy stuff out of need, this is probably due to being poor and a single Mom for almost half of my life now. But this IPOD thing, this is different. It is more like desire, dare I say lust for a thing. Now I've had lust before for "things", my Baby Jetta being one. I got it, hee hee...yay me. I still love "it" and "it' has become more like a friend to me then a "thing" and I still love the purple dashboard lights, the sunroof, power everything and um...the Turbo. Yes. Turbo's are good. Anyway anyway...back to my IPOD lust. The point is that I rarely want something this badly, but I REALLY want this and while this may sound very spoiled, I almost always get what I want. Eventually. You know why? Cuz I don't really want/need/ask for much AND Cuz I am the Independent Mango Momma, complete with her own money and J.O.B. and ability to get what she wants all by her bad self. But, *wink* C has hinted that he knows how badly I want this "thing" and that he might be inclined to "help" me buy it, except that he would get to use it "once in a while." There's always a catch (frown) I share EVERYTHING with EVERYONE....but there a precious few items that are mine..mine...mine. MINE! Yes, I was raised an only child and no, I don't like to share. This is one of those "things" that will be MINE, mine to customize my playlists and keep Chance's weird Dennis Leary stuff away, bad.

2) Studio Equipment In The Basement
Long ago I dreamed of Rock-Stardom, I could've been Gwen Stefani (hiccup, put down that martini Sarah, jeesh!) in another life time. But alas, I now do not have th waistline or even the stomach for it. The complete and utter lack of privacy would probably drive me right into the arms of a straight-jacket AND fighting with record-labels, oh that would be bad. I would end up some eccentric, reclusive artist like Prince or Andy Warhol. BUT....my passion for music still burns brightly and how I wish I had just a few simple items, a mixing board, a mic and an amp. And some sound proofing so we don't make the neighbors more annoyed with our loudness.

Ok, so #1 is more reasonable then #2 in terms of expenses but really I cannot have either at the moment so I will stop whining and going back to mere daydreams about IPOD playlists (mine - Enter Finding Nemo) and rocking out in the privacy of my own home with my mic and my tambourine and belting out crackly versions of my favorite songs through the amp.

~ shakes it off ~

Ok, enough day dreaming...I have half an hour of work left, for shame that I would write in my blogg on a Friday afternoon at work but hey, that's what I get paid the not-so-big bucks for right? To bust my a$$ through the week and slack a little on Friday afternoon?

Did I mention there is hardly a soul in the office today? Myself and one other gal are the only two developers here, it's wicked quiet and I enjoy that...but it also makes me want to run like the wind and go go go GO home! ;-P

Happy weekend all, much love and hopefully, some day soon, maybe for my Aunty MB I'll have some pics of MJ to get up here...maybe, if she's a good Aunty:)

:)

Accountability

Acknowledging accountability for ones behaviors, actions and decisions can be a difficult burden to endure.

Accountability for the positive achievements in life, is easy for some, not so for others.
Some are often embarrassed when others reference their achievements,
other times they can be filled with acceptance and pride for their diligence and effort in achieving those accomplishments.

Either way, acceptance of ones positive outcomes is a much simpler task then admitting to ones mistakes.

Accountability for a known (intentional or unintentional) negative impact on another or oneself, that's a much more painful and potential embarrassing journey.
It requires effort and energy, holding yourself accountable.
It requires honesty. With yourself and with others.
It requires looking inward at your own wrongdoings.
It requires getting real with yourself and those you have harmed.
It requires facing the reality, rather than running away or living in denial within.

It requires courage, but it's a nessisity courage.
The kind of courage a conscious heart must muster in order to heal.
Heal ones heart and spirit and the heart and spirit of another.

If you have abused, you are accountable.
If you owe money, you are accountable.
If you have taken advantage of the hospitality and good will of others, you are accountable.
If you lie, manipulate or purposefully coerce, you are accountable.
If you have emotionally drained, damaged or hurt another, you are accountable.
If you have pandered opportunity, you are accountable.
If you pre-emptively invaded a country based on false pretenses and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, you are definitely accountable.

Our experiences in this life time, be it positive or painful, are part of our growth experience. These experiences help us develop into the spirits we are ever evolving into, sometimes those experiences adversely effect others, sometimes we succeed and reach a pinnacle moment in our development, sometimes we inflict a damage that cannot be undone.

Sometimes we are forgiven, sometimes we are not.

But one thing I believe for certain, is that we are always held accountable in some fashion or another for our actions. Whether it is receiving a bonus for a job well done, a bill going to collections because we didn't bother to pay it or when those we've mistreated rebel and let us know how we are accountable to them, at some point, I definitely believe it comes full circle.

Someday, there are dealings with that I will be held accountable for. Most likely with my child the child within me, he is a glorious being for which I should be grateful but have not always been able to honor out of selfishness. The pig-tailed little Sarah, her owies seems still fresh some days and fully scabbed over the next, the healing never seems to end and when she thinks she might be reaching a place of comfort, some white blinding flash of pain reminds her that she her owies are still tender for the mistakes she made.

Everyday, I am certainly held accountable and responsible for my very own existence.
Going to work every day so that I may achieve a goal set by my clients, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going to work every day so that I may support my family and my home, for which I am then held accountable for.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may achieve goals set by myself and collectively by those I love.
Going home every day and working just as hard as I do at my day job, so that I may enjoy the environment I am striving to create.
Loving my child and working to be a better mother to him than the day before.
Loving my partner and working to be a partner to him than the day before.
Striving to live consciously and wholly.
Striving to live completely and spiritually.

And on and on and on...every day, we are all spinning in a wheel of accountability and responsibility.

It's pretty simple stuff, accountability, responsibility, facing the very reality of every day life and exploring yourself within, living by the core rules that are written so boldly on our hearts....living with a conscious, living with integrity and listening to your heart. The responsibility of your heart and spirit, what you hear it saying and letting it guide you.

I suspect there is a much greater ease in living in this manner, fighting it only seems to bring upon the sort of accountability that severs friendships and creates tensions in our culture.

My hope is that I can continue to work toward this goal rather than away from it.
My hope is that we can all hold ourselves accountable internally and see how that manifests externally.
My hope is that those who are struggling with their own wrongdoings, that they will be held accountable justly and fairly, without excessive harshness.
My hope is that our Global Community can hold itself accountable and that we will survive.

It Saddens Me

It saddens me that when I draw boundaries with people, when they have explicitly and clearly crossed the line, there is instant attitude and defensiveness. I understand that because I have not been consistent in my messages in the past, that I am responsible for how people treat me and I am working through that, but it still makes me sad.

Sad that I should bare the brunt their anger because I stood up for myself. That I then become the outcast, the scapegoat, the "bad guy", no longer a "true-friend."

Saddens me even more that I've always know that might be the case if I were to ever put my foot down and what does that say about the friendship in the first place?

Mostly, what's probably the saddest of all...is that I just don't care all that much. It's not keeping me up at night knowing that they are angry at me or that I might not be a part of their lives any more. I love these people, but I can no longer find the room in my spirit to allow them to treat me poorly and take advantage of me and when I expressed this through my actions and directly verbally, the friendship became unstable.

This is the very sort of social drama I am working to disengage from. I simply don't have the energy, not to mention that it is not conducive to healthy friendships or healthy people within those respective friendships.

I'm just sort of done with it. If this means that I at some point am down to a very small, select few group with whom I interact on only rare occasions, so be it. I am sort of ready for that in many ways as I can clearly see how I've allowed myself to be distracted by many and the quality of those distractions was low to moderate at best.

I am shifting again, I feel it. Growing, becoming my "self." I did this at about 24 or 25. It was an intensely spiritual journey in many ways and I find the seeds of such in my heart at the moment. I made choices in friendships during that time too...housecleaning if you will. It gets easier with age I am finding, maybe because I feel more secure in myself and the life I am creating, or maybe I just don't have the same needs.

The bottom line is this, there are some people in your life that will be an indefinite figure in your life, I can name a few and I feel incredibly lucky that I can do that. The rest, come and go and that's ok too, but one thing I have learned in these past several years is how to establish a level of mutual respect within your relationships from the get go, otherwise the relationship simply cannot exist.

It's just hard for me to see people treat each other this way, to be petty and catty and disrespectful of one another. This life is just too short to waste it on such trivial things.

WRONG-0 Daddio

Weekend got jacked up, too much to do and not enough hours...but it's getting better. Less distractions, more interactions...it's a good place to be even though the balance will take some time to level out.

Max and I are often at odds these past few days, I wonder if a small break might be good for us. He lambasted me in therapy the other night, I know this might not be appropriate...but he pissed me off SO bad during that session, I mean I still find myself feeling anger toward him. Not because of WHAT he said, but because of HOW and WHY. I felt he was being smug, bordering on disrespectful and blatantly giving Georgia a show. He was behaving in such a false manner, even though his message was clear...I don't know, it almost seemed like he just looking for a fight. I was disappointed in him and felt like he was manipulating the situation, that's not cool at all. Real frankly, since our communication has been poor. I definitely plan to bring it up at the next session.

I am in a particularly rebellious mood myself this morning, probably vibing off of MJ's little 'tude from the weekend or maybe it's my new Pink CD - this is a great one for those moments in life when a girl feels like hearing a little female angst in full throttle. I love that she's not afraid any more, to say what's on her mind. To drop the F bomb and say what she thinks about the men in her life, her family, her ex-lovers and the ones to come....she just doesn't take any shit, it's hard NOT respect that. It's been enjoyable watching her evolve as an artist from the early days, Pink's a good girl in my book, I'd buy her a beer anytime.

I should get to work, my desktop has been al out of sorts lately, I am pretty sure it's a memory issue conflicting with my .Net install...which I told them about 3 or 4 weeks ago at least...achem, anyway...but I think it's fixed now. That's what IT tells me anyway. The worst part is that most times, I can easily troubleshoot and fix whatever is wrong with my workstation....but I am not "allowed" as I am simply a lowly peon developer and not an IT Administrator (at this job anyway)...plus I don't think they'd appreciate being shown up by a "chick"....alas my lovelies, it is still true that even in an industry in which I've been working for almost a decade now, my fellow techie momma's and myself face the occasional a-hole with a stereo-type in his mind about women and technology. Luckily, there is only one said a-hole here, and he's on vacation this week. In a perfect world, he would be on vacation permanently.

Happy Monday, cheers to you all - have a lovely week:)