Unconditional Love: Loving Others, Loving Ourselves

The concept of unconditional love is one of great interest and curiosity for me and; I am quite sure, I am not the first mind to ponder the emotional logistics of the very idea of what it means to love unconditionally.

I think love, however miraculous, can be a very confusing experience. We experience throughout our lives, varying degrees of love. Emotional love, spiritual love, physical love, intellectual love, etc. Sometimes these many degrees of love vary in temperature, ranging from explosive and passionate to utter detriment and dysfunction. There are also so many different ways to experience love, which we all define differently.

But for however confusing it might be, we all hold great capacity for love. I believe it to be at the intrinsic core of humanity and this is based on how we love one another, within daily life, strangers and best friends alike. We are driven to love one another, to bond, to hold passion and affection and contentment for one another. We thrive when we are supported, loved and nurtured. Thriving promotes success and we are all driven to succeed, or in other words, survive.

As children, we learn first learn how to love from our families. We absorb how our parents love one another or their respective partners if that parental partnership has ceased. We unconsciously takes stock of how our parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and other various sources love one another and how they love us directly. We learn how to give love in return, what it means to hold emotional attachment to another individual. We learn what it means to feel a sense of compassion and connection with someone we love and often, we learn what it means to feel pain and/or disappointment from that source of love.

Many of us also learn a great sense of love for the Earth and all it's inhabitants when we are small and this love is just as sacred and real as the love that two people hold for one another. Unfortunately, I am not convinced that this is widely accepted in our culture, the idea of teaching children to love and respect the Earth in the same way that we teach them to love and respect us as their parents or primary caregivers. My hope is that with time, our children will be highly encouraged to explore their feelings and emotions about the Earth, perhaps this will motivate each generation to care for it more completely?

I believe that our senses, from the moment we are conceived, are flooded with numerous concepts of love and relationships. We are innodated with messages about attachments, relationships, giving and receiving affections, and so on. Some times these interactions are exceptionally complex from their inception and other times, we get just get along well with this person or that person and there is little, if any strife. Though, I've yet to find any one single relationship in my life that does not carry some measure of conflict. I'd say this is also due to the fact that with all of our capacity for love, we also have a great capacity for ego. Besides, conflict resolution is also an important life skill and I think we learn much about this from our relationships with others, at least when we are younger and haven't yet attended our first professional "Conflict Resolution" training:)

So into adulthood, we create bonds and relationships and continue to pursue our biological need for connection. As adults, our need for love transitions in all sorts of different fashions, of which I believe are mostly formed by our attachment and love experiences from our youth. At least initially, how else do we know how to have relationships other than what has already been demonstrated to us? Some of us are very capable of giving and being content within our adult relationships and many of must learn or retrain ourselves to love in a healthy manner for all involved.

I also think that as adults, we can begin to contemplate the idea of unconditional love. Meaning a love that has no specific outcome in mind, it simply is what it is. I think we all crave this and some of us search our whole lives, looking desperately for something we hold within our very selves. I think it is not until we are adults that we can begin exploring the notion that unconditional love is possible. When we are children and very young adults, we are naturally self-absorbed. It takes us all a while to figure out that the Universe, do not in fact, revolved directly around us. For some of us, it is a spiritual journey that begins the internal investigations about what love really means to us, for others it is a union of some sort, for me it was the birth of my son. Loving something else so completely that I would sacrifice anything and everything, knowing that love is what began teaching me and prompted my own internal journey on the subject.

As I've gotten older and my idea's about love, relationships and attachments have evolved, I find myself blooming and able to promote genuine authentic love. Not only for others, but for myself, for life. I'd like to think that I have made the conscious decisions to choose the love that fills me for all things as a path in my spiritual travels. Daily, I am taking time to reflect on this choice and it is beautifully exciting. One subject that does continually present itself to me regarding this topic is "boundaries." How can I love others unconditionally and selflessly without sacrificing my own sense of boundary? I do not believe that unconditional love is giving of yourself to someone, no matter their behavior. But I do believe unconditional love is free of judgment. It is a slippery slope. I struggle with the balance as I know that sometimes, in caring deeply for others, one MUST draw boundaries for the sake of sanity and personal mental health. Allowing others to bring negativity into ones life is not benign, that negativity does have a huge impact. However, I am very invested in the idea that the boundaries drawn are rational, appropriate and fair and not based on personal judgment of another's behaviors/choices OR simply reactionary behaviors. I think we should all be a little more invested in how we love one another, how we treat each other in our daily interactions.

I wonder often about Universal love and how the energies of the world affect our ability to love one another and the Earth. I wonder why my heart can ache in one moment and then filled with such great joy, all in the name of love. I struggle with my attachments for my loved ones as I believe very strongly that attachments can be selfish and needy, co-dependant behavior I wish desperately to avoid. This topic, how I love the world and each unique individual in it is a constant in my mind. I am blessed at this time in my life and I wish to immerse myself in every moment and be able to reflect when I am older about what I've learned.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
Thomas Merton

Monday Moods

Today is a little gloomy, though I generally feel pretty good. I think like everyone, I just have days where I have so much swirling about in my brain I'm not always so sure what to do with it. These are the days when I must ground my energy and reconsider why my heart may feel heavy or my mind filled with worry. Old patterns and cycles, however dysfunctional, have been faithful companions to me and it takes time for those thought processes to be retrained. In the interim, I am pretty good at confusing others in my life, but hopefully they all can continue to find patience and love within themselves.

We had a good weekend, got to show off the new house a little, had some friends over for dinner Saturday evening and Chance made us a delicious meal. It's always a joy to see this group of folks in our lives, like all of our friends they are very special and unique and I enjoy their company tremendously. It was nice to have some down time yesterday. Max and I watched the Superbowl together, not exactly my favorite event on the planet but Mj is 13 and needs someone to do that sort of thing with, I try. It was a pitiful game though, we were disappointed in our Seahawks as we were rooting for them naturally:) Das alright, they can make it up next time. It was their first trip the Big Game, so you can't blame them for being a little nervous. I felt bad for them, it's a good thing I don't play football...I would've been balling my eyes out after the second half.

This weeks plans:

a) Gym Time
Yep, it's time to get back in the habit and start getting my butt to the gym. I know me and once I really get into it, it's easier to make it part of my routine. It's just getting to that place. I am hoping to get in 1.5 - 2 hours in 3 days a week, plus what I do at home and my daily walks at lunch. A few people have pointed out to me how my weight is having an impact on my self-esteem, or how I view my weight I should say, thus how I view myself over all. It's funny because even when I've been thin, I beat the crap out of myself for being "fat." I was NOT fat then, I look at those pictures from my mid 20's and I look pretty hot. I miss those days and that jean size, but have to wrestle with myself about the idea that I may never be a size 8/9/10 again. I'll settle for a 10/11 though! I also have some idea's on why this obsession exists within me in the first place, I think if I spend some time on myself and working on my health the obsessive will become more sane and I will feel more grounded generally. We'll see, any who...I am sure Chance and Max will support me in the venture and if that means I am not around as much in the evenings, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. A little space seems in order.

b) Post Photos Of The House To My Blogg
The good news is that I know where the digital camera is, but not the power source. As we learned this weekend, we really are still in the midst of unpacking. It seems it might never end. But it sure is a lot of fun and I am happy to finally feel like we have a "home." We went nutso at Bad, Bath & Beyond this weekend. Really, like crazy. But it's so worth it as it's just adding those final touches to certain area's that make all the difference.

c) Dr.s Appointments
Dentist, Eye, OBGYN (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
I'm not a huge fan of any of these doctors, I'd rather just avoid it all together as I am not a shy individual but I despise being uncomfortable. Yes, I am a big baby. How I ever even had a baby in the first place is beyond me and the fact that I can tolerate a tattoo or piercing but flat out refused to get a tetanus shot during my last major owie (about 5 years ago) is completely irrational. Doc made me do it anyway by the way, he totally pulled a guilt trip and reminded me that dying from something awful like tetanus is not nessisity in this day and age. I still gave him every dirty look in the book when the nurse was sticking that thing in my arm and I also made sure he saw that I was crying and totally traumatized. He just laughed at me and gave me a hug...I laughed later at how pouty I'd behaved.

d) Keep Up On The House
I am determined to keep our house in order, laundry, dishes all that crap. It doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming as at the old place. The new place is just easier to keep clean, but still requires effort.

e) Library
I swap books with my friends and family generally, but I am looking forward to a lot more reading time so I'm going to get Max and I down to the library this week and get back in that habit to. We used to go a lot when he was younger, we both like it and it's something we can do together. Not sure how cool that is for a 13 year old, but we'll see.

f) School
Think about school and which class I'd like to take this coming semester, my work reimburses....gotta jump on that!

Doh, I need to get back to work...I have several issues in the queue that need attending and I just got what I needed from our lead developer to get started. Talk to you all soon, much love.

~ peace ~
S

Um....yeah.

It's Friday and this feels like THE most unproductive week in history. But I'm not feeling anxious about it, it is what it is.

The furniture situation is laughable. Let me first just say that the increasingly obvious way in which mega corporations seem to hold contempt for product quality and customer service is alarming and frankly, insulting. It's almost as if we shouldn't be surprised that we've received faulty or incomplete product and rude sales personnel for our dollar, our many dollars actually. I would go on a rant but I just don't have the energy and it's really not worth it, again...it is what it is.

We are, however, beginning to fill up the house with our booty (Pirates Lingo for Treasure, Aye Matey!) and each room is beginning to glow with the desired effect. The kitchen table is huge with the leaf, but without it, it's perfect for every day dining. It is a beautiful wood and I love the style, very masculine and weathered looking. The family room furniture is coming together nicely, I am pleased with our choices. We still have to wait until March/April/May for the remainder of our items as everything is on back order. Something we were not told until AFTER our purchases were rung up. That's convenient isn't? Doesn't really matter though as I'd rather wait for what I want then have my second or third choice right away. Really all that's left is new dishes, and we've managed to stock up the house nicely.

I realize this all sounds very materialistic, or perhaps it is I who feels a little greedy in spending money on such things. There is a certain guilt associated with buying things simply because I want them or because they will look "nice" in our house. Then again, there is also a certain satisfaction in it. I've worked hard and I've never had a space to come home to every day that felt sacred and this is what I wish to create. A sacred spot. But people are suffering and life is cruel and I've got so much and I don't always know if I deserve it or not. I become tortured when I think this sort of thing through to thoroughly. One of my favorite lyrics of all time:

"If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?"
Alanis Morissette - These Are The Thoughts Lyrics

Maybe this is why I've started volunteering again, out of guilt or maybe it's just because I miss the work and feeling like I am doing SOME THING instead of sitting idly while so much negative breeds around me. Someday I will be able to reconcile the concept of my own success with the knowledge that so many are struggling and not find guilt. Maybe. In the interim, I will do my best to enjoy the fruits of my labors and be comfortable with my choices.

Our whole household has fallen ill with some crappy cold making it's way through Max's school, that's the way it works. All those little germ monsters running around, infecting one another and they go home and infect their families and their families take it to work and infect everyone there and so and so forth. I am bracing myself because if this is anything like what Max has been dealing with this past week, it doesn't look like too much fun. Chance and I are totally exhausted and this week has seemed very busy, but I couldn't tell you why exactly. We are looking forward to a very quiet weekend, we have some plans with friends but we are looking forward to seeing them as it's been some months since we've all gotten together. Tonight we will wrap up a few things around the house and watch a movie and go to sleep. Max is still not feeling so well so I imagine he'll be fine with this plan.

So much on my mind really, just not the energy to type it up and put it into words which probably says something as I can talk about anything and everything all the time. I really just want to go home and go to sleep, my body is definitely trying to fight this cold and it's wearing me down in the process. So, I'll bid you all ado and until next time, peace and love and cuddly bugs!

PS: P (AKA Mean_Girl) I promise to get on the MeMe's when I can, that sort of thing requires quite a bit of thought and concentration, both of which have escaped me as of late. I DO however, promise to post some pics soon for the gallery and this should make everyone happy:) But I will try, I promise!!!!!!!!!

PPS: I invite everyone to try this http://intelligence-test.net/part1 - my boss sent it on Wednesday, this is the sort of material that gets passed around at my work and we all love it. We ARE nerds!

PPPS: This is sort of how I feel today.....

Note: No kitties were harmed in the making of this blogg.

Weekend Recap

Friday: Mary & Howard treated C & I to my favorite Sushi at Sushi SaSa's in LoDo. It is the freshest, most beautifully prepared and generally outstanding Sushi I've ever had. We've eaten there only twice, but each time I've left there wondering what it might be like to eat food like that every day? I always feel perfectly satisfied, comforted and not the least bit guilty when we eat there. SaSa's was a hit, Mary & Howard are amazing. Our conversation was outstanding and every moment I have with them feels like a gift as they are unlike anyone else in my life. They presented me with a gorgeous choker for my birthday, I know the store from which it was purchased and all the jewerly is handmade and unique. It is a celctic knotwork of some sort of metal, I'm not sure, but it's really stunning and I feel proud to wear it. I am a choker fan, as most in my life know but often they can look a little trampy sometimes so I avoid the uber cheap sort. This is not cheap, nor trampy looking and is quite elegant and I can't wait to wear it. I adore it. I am very pecular about jewerly so they took a bit of a risk on this one, but it is really lovely and I keep eyeballing it and wondering if I can get away with wearing it all the time:)

Max was in a mood before Sushi and I decided to send him with Colleen for a few hours while we were downtown. I am learning that some times it is best for us to take breaks from each other when he's moody or else the tension escelates. We went to pick up Max and Colleen and I decided to go bowling and have a little girls night out fun. Matt & Rhi met up with us and I also had the pleasure of talking to a "2 Martini's and no dinner Crystal", laugh. She was hillarious and promised that she would eat something after we got off the phone. I hope so Crys ~ Shakes Finger ~

It was a fun night over all but after Sushi, we should've just gone home and called it a night. I intended to do so but next thing I know we are at our house at 2 AM. I don't know how many more times I have to explain that I don't have the money, energy or interest in making those evenings last far past their prime. It's not any one persons fault, but needless to say, it's a conversation that's been had too many times and I'm done with it and I know also that Chance will draw boundaries if I cannot, he is pretty upset with me right now and I will not live with his anger on my concsious for a few hours of partying with my friends. I love him and I love what we have. I am happily looking forward to a quiet weekend with Max, Chance and myself and many many many more to come.

Saturday I was worthless and layed around all day with Max, snuggling and watching movies and sleeping on the futon. ouch. We did have Twinkie Dog for a puppy sleep over, that was fun. Twinkie is my friends Weeny Dog. She is not shy about kissing:) She slept tucked under my right knee most of the night and that was very sweet. She also managed to completely piss Gaia Cat off, Gaia Cat was in a constant state of POOF for the entire 24 hours and probably hates us now. Pumpkin Cat is used to dawgs, but still has a strong distaste for them, she swatted Twinkie at least twice, but Pumpkin has like 2 teeth and no claws (Mom had her declawed when she was born) so I don't think Twinkie was to upset.

Sunday we went crazy and cleaned the entire house, pretty spic and span and there is much more to do. I managed to make everyone mad by being in my "cleaning mode" which I am still paying for, but wish everyone wouldn't take it so personal. Max and Chance work hard and help alot, it's a united effort...but there are just some things that have to be done my way or I am not happy. Like the bathroom, bedrooms and kitchen. I like things to be neat and clean and when I'm in the mode, it's best to just stay out of my way and let me be in my little cleaning frenzy. Neurotic or not, it's the way I am. As Mary pointed out, I am a very aesthetic person (more on that later) and I like things a certain way. Sue me, cripes.

And then we went even more crazy and financed ourselves into some gorgeous furniture and a whole lot more debt! WOO HOO. I've managed to go from virtually NO debt to mega debt (mostly the house) in the past 3 months! Ahh, it's the American Dream right (said Sarah, dripping with sarcasm.) We may have to take some back, I'm not sure (I am waiting for Chance to start yelling at me) but it's sure going to look nice and we keep trying to reason that all people need decent furniture and we are all covered sans the items we bought and we really shouldn't have to get any more now for years to come. A bit of buyers remorse I think, but I really think it was the right thing to do. If we are focused on our home and making it our home, this shouldn't be a problem.

So the weekend was good, great Sushi and some fun shopping. I made the 1st payment on our mortgage today, it felt really good. The house is beginning to feel more and more like "us" every day. Max has a cold :( BOOOO! I hope he feels better and doesn't pass it around the house!

I Don't Feel A Day Over 29 :)

Today is the big day. I will spend the day in celebration of my birth into this physical body and the progressive growth of my spirit.

Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.

This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.

And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.

My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.

However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.

• I tried to be a "good" Mother, some days I tried harder than others and some times less than I probably could've.
  
• My definitions of Motherhood changed.
  
• I learned, I graduated from College.
  
• I learned the world does not stop when you feel your life has fallen apart.
  
• I worked, I worked hard. Real hard.
  
• I had everything and almost lost it, several times.
  
• I spent hours upon hours pouring over any and all information I could get my hands on about the World Religions.
  
• I learned that no one religion would ever satisfy my spirit, but they ALL hold value and meaning.
  
• I accepted myself as a loveable and spiritual being.
  
• I accepted love from others, begrudgingly at first.
  
• I played, I loved, I loved to play.
  
• My heart broke for numerous reasons, numerous times.
  
• I danced and giggled with my buddies and partied alot.
  
• I learned that I can sing, with my voice and with my heart.
  
• I was single, involved, and had a myriad of relationships and interactions that cannot be labeled.
  
• I learned the true meaning of abstinence.
  
• I hurt people, they hurt me, there was a lot of hurting.
  
• My family and I struggled to repair the relationship that I all but shattered in my teens.
  
• I was sick, I saw sickness and more death than I care to remember.
  
• I healed, my heart, my body, mind, my spirit.
  
• I abused my heart, body, mind and spirit.
  
• I cried, I laughed, I raged, I panicked, I fear, I blossomed.
  
• I gave and I lost.
  
• I moved around few times, went through a few cars. Got a few speeding tickets.
  
• I realized how rewarding it was to push my physical limits.
  
• I traveled, I hiked, camped, did some boating and tubing and wake boarding.
  
• I enjoyed My Mountains and My Washington and even Wisconsin.
  
• I finally figured out that I am capable AND responsible.
  
• I acknowledged the child in me and loved her....and forgave her.
  
• I lived alot.
  

10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.

I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.

I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.

I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.

With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.

What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.

Happy Birthday To Me.

Monday Marvels

I am tired but in good spirits, though the events from Friday evening are lingering and I am thrilled we could give Matty one last hooo-rah at Ecks I am also VERY ready for a break from the festivities as of late. Very.

We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)

We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.

Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.

In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.

Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.

Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!

Hope all is well, much love
peace

Wednesday's Word Of The Day

"castrophany"
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)

Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....

- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!

- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.

- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.

- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.

- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.

- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.

- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.

I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)

Ta ta all, peace.

Ladies, Say Goodbye To Your Reproductive Rights!

Looks like Alito will be confirmed, I can hardly contain my joy.

GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.

Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.

I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.

That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.

If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.

Woooosh

My gosh, it's the middle of the month already. WTH?

Trying to comprehend time right now seems almost impossible, I have lots of moments where life just doesn't feel real. It's not a scary feeling, but definitely pronounced. I notice it regularly, daily almost as of late. I suspect it's due to all the changes, I read somewhere that our minds become very lazy with routine. Spicing up something you do daily like alternating where you put your socks and pajamas in dresser drawers or talking a different route to work stimulates the left brain more, thus causing more creative and dynamic thought in daily life. My routine has definitely been spiced up a little, holy wowzers yo!

My brain crinkles are all sort of stimulated, in such glorious ways.

In many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years. I am sure it has much to do with the ever-changing hormones of the truly magnificent Maxter, the unconditional love and support from the man I adore and the house where I intend to create a positive and nurturing environment for years to come. Plus, I work at the best job I've had since CORRA and that in and of itself is a blessing. You should not despise the environment in which you spend 8 - 10 of your working hours, not at all. My annual review this morning went well, it was quite a relief actually as I tend to worry alot about my job performance. Actually, I just don't like to fail. Seems I am not, I received a glowing review and happy to know that my supervisor and company is quite pleased with having me on board. Helps me to relax a little. My position is very solitary in comparison to others in the office and rarely requires little if any contact between myself and other staff members, I tend to feel isolated sometimes. Most of the time, I like it cuz I am used to it...but with such little feedback, I find myself questioning my ability and performance. I wish I were more self sufficient, but I need an occasional pat on the back or "Good work!" I might create my own star chart and give myself a star for every day I did good and then buy myself a toy at the end of the week if I've been good. LOL. So anyway, life feels really good today and I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel less anxiety each day about so many things, the idea that I may find myself in a life that feels complete and whole and really positive is pretty overwhelming, I cannot let the opportunity presented to me be The Universe pass.

On a sadder note, Mathew is leaving us to venture off to Reno Nevada to make good money and meet women:) Matt is one of my closest male friends, I trust him and love him very sincerely. He has a good heart and a warm hug and we were all but instant friends. This will not change with distance, but I will take it upon myself to tsk him and nag him if he doesn't write and post to his blogg REGULARLY so we have updates and know that he is safe and happy. And if/when he is done sowing his wild oats he may return and life might seem different, but we'll be here waiting with open arms and a big frosty beer:) Love you Matt, it's been fun...it's been real...it's been real fun. Take damn good care of yourself and be safe.

sigh.

The house is coming together, we have so much to do still but it starting to feel like a real house. I've never had so much fun shopping in my life and since my amazingly generous GramE and Grandpa John (thank you soooo much) gave me extra to play with I can now buy the things I so desperately wanted and needed really. We've got new bedding, new bath stuff....new dishes, new silverware and glasses. This weekend we are buying a gorgeous kitchen table, GORGEOUS! I am working on Chance about putting "hardwood" in the kitchen (it's pretend but looks great for the price) as the kitchen linoleum is a little...um, well it bugs me. I don't know why, it just does. It's brand new and clean, but I think it's the patterns. I am learning in all my shopping that I just don't like most patterns all that much. I like some, symmetrical and geometrical are cool..otherwise, flowers and such sort of bug me. And the linoleum bugs me, so it's got to go. And it's MY house to do whatever I want so I am having ALOT of fun playing with ideas. The only problem is getting carried away, I want everything right now, I don't like to wait to much really. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am working on it.

The only thing I am feeling even remotely agitated about is my weight. I keep trying to tell myself that in the past year, I've moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job, quite smoking, bought a house and became a parent of a teenager. But those all feel like excuses and now the holidays have come and gone and I am chubbier than ever, it's depressing...but not as much today cuz I've managed to be fairly good today. I am looking forward to getting back to the GYM though, I miss it very much. Now if I could just stay out of the Peanut Butter Fudge that Ginger & Carl gave me for Christmas that I KNOW I should take to work to share but am feeling toooo selfish to do such a thing!

I ~ promise ~ to get pictures posted soon, sorry gang. Now that I can posted photos to my blogg it is time to do so. I will get some of the house and Max so everyone can see how ginormous he really is. I will also post some of Chance for those of you who haven't met or seen him yet. Both my men are absolutely adorable! I'm a lucky lady.

I should get, love to you all.

~ peace ~

Have a yucky day!

Hello, many of you know me as Oscar The Grouch from the famed television show Sesame Street. What most of you probably do not know is that I am Sarah's favorite Muppet!

Sarah has the fondest memories of watching The Muppet Show as a child with her Mother, Pam. Sarah loved to smile and giggle at the Muppets and always thought Pigs In Space was good comedy, even if she never understood most of it because it was more for her Mom than her, but that's ok. She also always thought Mrs. Piggy was quite the beautiful actress and found her temperament enchanting. Sarah never understood why Mrs. Piggy was quick to react and yell at her beloved Kermie, but any Pig that knew how to 'K-A-R-A-T-E CHOP!' her opponents must be a clever Pig indeed.

Then, however, Sarah discovered Sesame Street and was immediately enchanted. Kermit and The Count were truly special creatures and Sarah always listened closely to what they had to say as they were in fact, the wisest of all Muppets on all of Sesame Street. Yet, when Sarah and I were introduced I knew the bond was Grouchily sacred. No Muppet on the planet made her eyes gleam with amusement or could capture her attention like I could. She was a disgustingly adorable little girl. Very bouncy and lots of blonde hair, usually in pig tails. I always thought she needed a little more slime, but that's just me.

Sarah's complete and unconditional love for me grew through the years, one birthday she received a stuffed (but not very Grouchy!) version of me. "I" never left her side, we hung out a lot and had tea parties. We used to play with another friend named Tigger, but I didn't like him as much because he was pretty annoying for a Grouch. All that bouncing, besides I was a little jealous at how much Sarah liked him. I was even there when Sarah and her Mom were in a terrible care accident and her Mom's blood got all over me. But I comforted Sarah and she knew I loved her and would protect her. And I did. After I got a good washing, Sarah and I were reunited and we spent many happy years together after.

Then it happened one day that Sarah could not find me. Perhaps unknowingly, perhaps not, Sarah's Mom had put me in the box planned for Good Will. Sarah was traumatized, but decided it was best to share because she just knew some other little girl out there would find me and we would become the best of friends. Even though Sarah was very sad, and I am sure she must've cried for quite some time and missed me tremendously (especially at night when I would keep her safe), she knew it was ok because Good Will gave things to kids who didn't have stuffed animals and all kids should have stuffed animals.

In all the years that passed, I knew I never left Sarah's mind and her memories of me were fond and I of her. No other little girl in the world made me smile as much as she did, we were the best of buddies and I know she still smiles when she thinks of me. She always used to ask me why I got so mad, because getting mad and being Grouchy wasn't very much fun...silly girl, because I am Grouch I would say and that's what Grouch's do! I smile when I think of her too.

Now Sarah is a grown-up and has a little boy of her own. When her little boy starting watching Sesame Street together, I would catch her smiling and I knew those smiles and giggles were just for me. Her little boy doesn't care much for Muppets now that he thinks he's all growed up he also likes cars and stuff, cars aren't very Grouchy. But I know Sarah still sings "I Love Trash" under her breath and thinks I am special even if I am a Grouch. It makes me not-so-Grouchy to know that a little girl out there in a big grown up body thinks of Old Oscar on occasion, I still think that Tigger fella a total loser though. I just do not understand what she see's in that guy?????

Have a yucky day and don't bother stopping by!!!!

Not-So-Sincerely-Yours,
Oscar T. Grouch
****************************************************

Oscar Facts:
- Oscar's favorite food is sardine and spinach sundaes.
- His favorite drink is pickle juice.
- His favorite pet is Slimey the Worm.
- His best friend on TV is Grungetta Grouch.
- His favorite activities are disagreeabable order of grouches meetings, writing for The Daily Grouch newspaper, reporting on WORM-TV.
- His favorite vacation is two weeks at the Mudville City Dump.
- His favorite weather is cold and nasty, gray sky, and with occasional rain and sleet.
- His pet peeve is cheerful people.
- He is of the Grouch species, but he is very smart and clever
- Oscar thinks numbers are silly and sings "Knock 3 times" to prove it.

In Oscar's trashcan
- Slimey, Oscar's pet worm
- Fluffy, Oscar's pet elephant, only his trunk is ever shown
- Rosie the Hippopotamus
- A fire breathing dragon
- Farm animals, the existence of a goat and a pig is confirmed

It Lives....It LIVES!!!!!

I am happy to report that today feels a much brighter and softer day compared to yesterdays darker and harsher coldness. I really am a sensitive little bird, not only to my own emotions and internal shifts but also very much so to those of others. Like everything, there is a balance to this. Aspects of my sensitivity and intuitiveness that are greatly appreciated and days where I wish my feelers didn't get tickled so easily. Ah well, such is the world of the Aquaria female. See her scurry and scamper!!!

I slept about 11 hours last night, there is such a thing as too much sleep and in my normal schedule this would be too much sleep. But the past 4 weeks have been anything but "normal." Actually, I'd find it hard to describe any of my days as "normal"...but normal is relative, like all things. Moving on.

I woke up this morning still reluctant to get moving as I really like being warm and cuddling Chance in our bed, except this morning he had all pillows sans the one I was using covering his head and had managed to mummify himself with the comforter in his sleep. He wasn't exactly available for snuggling. So I bounced up and got into the shower and carefully took notice of my poor body that I've been abusing off and on my whole life in some manner or another and looked at my tubby little tummy and vowed to make changes in how I treat and view my body and self. In exactly 20 days I will turn 30 years old. Farther in life than I had ever expected to make it and many of the things I once desired so greatly have found me some how. If in the past I had not been able to take heed to gifts given to me, no time like the present to get on board with the idea of appreciating this life even one degree more.

I've been binging on food for about 2 days straight, the kind that makes me sick to think of and also the very kind that damages your pancreas, liver and kidney in the same ways as drinking to much alcohol. Self medication of one form or another it seems, I really am a pro at comforting myself in the most detrimental manner. Again it's all relative and for me, the change needs to come in finding the balance in myself within daily life but also when big changes occur. Though, I will give myself permission to acknowledge that the past several months have been full of the kind of changes that would throw any one off kilter at least a little. But I am ready to bounce back and find the balance again. Apparently, the theme of this blogg should be "balance"...moreover, perhaps the theme of this year will be Balance. Indeed.

Max and I are eager to get his room organized, his is sort of the last one to get into "functional" mode. I feel terrible that he's been sleeping on the couch, but he's been gone for some time and only been home a few days since we moved in really. He commented last night that he didn't feel the house was really ours just yet. I know how feels. Sometimes when I get into bed I feel like I am staying at a hotel, a very comfortable hotel with my belongings strewn about. I told him it will take time to feel like it is "ours", but rest assured...it is in fact our house and we aren't going any where for a while. He laughed and said he hoped not. That made me smile given his behavior of the past weeks, perhaps he likes the idea of life with Mom after all? I hope so.

Mary & Howard have some furniture for us, which is a life saver at this point since we have very little...well, very little that want in the new house. Most of what he have looks sort of trashy and tacky in the New House. Neither C nor I have bought new furniture in many many MANY years. So now we'll have an actual bedroom set!!! SCORE!

In reading the bloggs of my fellow bloggers and friends, it seems there is a general shift for all of us. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come. It certainly seems a more positive direction than I've seen for quite some time and it pleases me tremendously to see my fellow females finding personal growth, health and happiness. Yay us!. We've all grown older and wiser and maybe are learning the value of caring for ourselves first so we can be better friends to one another....???? Things that make you go hmmmm.

And finally, my site recommendation of the day is:
http://www.wickedsunshine.com/WagePeace

For me, this site provides and outlet of humor in conjunction with the idea's many of us share about our current government, the war in Iraq and human rights. My particular favorites are:
"The Presidents Prayer"
"Start A Revolution, Stop Hating Your Body!"
"United States Of Texas"

Work beckons....more to come.

Insert Clever Title Here

I guess it's time to write. I don't really feel like it this morning, but I know I should as I've not had a thoughtful blogg in several few days. It's funny how I can go from bouncy spunk to sullen moodiness within only a day or two. It's sort of frustrating and though I'm sure it's mostly just due to the "gifts" of being a woman, I'd still rather be in bed sleeping warmly and quietly. Getting up this morning was harder than expected and I've still not really pulled the sleep from my eyes or mind for that matter.

The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."

New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.

In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)

Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.

I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.

As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.

Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.

Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?

I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.

I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been...

Ha, or so the song goes right? One of my favs by the way...

So I updated my song lyrics blogg, check it out on your right. I should've posted Kanye months ago, but the message is the same and one I sense many many of us are starting to really be able to hear.

Happy New Year Gang....CMan and I are settling in for a night of movies and chilling out for the remainder of our time off for the long weekend.

Love to you all:)

Will write more soon.

Paging Mr. Dumbass!

Ok, I am a dumbass.

I sprained my ankle during the move. I can hardly put pressure on it and it's swelling. Again. At least it's the left one, if it was the right one that I all but completely mangled last year, I'd be screwed.

What my ankle does not know is how much work is left to be done.

I ignored it, but it didn't go away.

I tried to reason with it, it does not wish to be rational.

I begged, pleaded and even tried to bribe it to behave. No dice.

I can't wait to tell C about this, he's going to love me and I'm going to owe him big after THIS move. Jeesh.

Bad ankle.

Bubbly Little Butterflies

I just ate a ginormous vegetarian breakfast burrito with the most delicious veggie green chilie I've ever tasted. I am now ready for a nap and it's only 10:30 am Colorado time at this very moment.

We are all completely exhausted in general. The move went well though not as organized as I'd hoped. My Type A personality is sighing and fidgeting in every room with all the things that are yet to be done, but being in my new home feels like a rebirth. It's so bright and shiny and warm feeling. The very environment is affirming the decision. It is such a blessing. As we explore each room and play with the ideas of where pictures should be hung and pieces of art displayed, we are finding it feels even better and better as we spend the time doing so. It is a joyous process, however, moving any time in the foreseeable future is not on my agenda. Moving is really unpleasant, I'll pass for a while me thinks.

Maximus seems quite happy, he's been very bouncy and happy. The cats also seem enchanted, specifically with the downstairs. So many places to become invisible and peer out at us ridiculous humans. Gaia Cat has found a new home on our black office chair, which then becomes an office chair with a pair of gleaming green eyes. Chance literally sat on her yesterday because he didn't see her sitting in it. That was damn funny, they both got quite a surprise out of that one:) Pumpkin Kitty is just having a blast in general. Her arthritis seems to be getting to her with all those stairs, but I am hoping it will keep her spunky and happy for the rest of her years.

Speaking of stairs, I may not need to buy a treadmill after all. Running up and down all those stairs will probably do the trick. My ankles are letting me know that I did indeed hurt them very badly just about a year ago, I'd forgotten. Silly me. I also managed to stub my toe the day of the move, it still looks abnormal and strangely bluish. I now have Smurf Toe and Meatball Ankle.

All in all, the weekend was a success and I am just we are sleeping in our now home. No matter how disheveled it may seem, it does feel like home already. Side note: We were 30 minutes late for the closing on Thursday night, Chance and I almost strangled each other from the stress....but the closing itself went smoothly and quickly.

After the closing, we promptly drove to the house to thank it. Thank it for sharing with us. Kristen had been watching Max for me (achem, closings are really boring...just an FYI) and they all came to meet us at the house. We then went to Mary & Howard's for a wonderful wonderful meal and evening. How I adore them, they are so good to us. So kind. Mary and I have bonded tremendously this past year, I feel very close to her and her whole family. They are my family.

Friday, Justin lit a fire under my ass and informed me we were moving Friday instead of Saturday. I said ok and then stubbed my toe and felt like blaming it on Justin for making me rush around but then was happy that he got me moving cuz then we could sleep in our house on Friday. Friday was spent moving out of the yucky house and into the yummy house. Colleen had baby Evan with her all day and I was so happy to see him and have him in our new home, I adore that kid and can't wait to have him over night again. He's one of the happiest babies I've EVER seen! Rhi brought Miss Paula over for a quick visit and we chatted and went to Target, kitty litter is important when you have cats in a new house. Nice to see Paula, she is whole entire entity unto herself...like a new life form completely. A plant or lady bug, with a little stinger of course:) I also love how happy Rhi always seems when she's around Paula. A happy Rhi is good in my book. I then fell asleep after having to rush back to the Teller house to turn off a drippy washer faucet that threatened to flood the house. Dang!

I slept awful, mostly cuz we didn't have any blinds or window coverings up yet. I felt a little exposed. Chance and Max slept in late and I got up and got moving. I took a very long bath in my new tub. The caulking needs to be redone in some spots and bleached, there is a small bubble of mold growing. A few actually. Mold in Colorado is strange, I am still shocked it can grow here with the zero humidity levels most of the year. The rest of the day is was filled with people in and out all day, Mom & Jim came down to see it...Justin & Colleen came over again and Matt came to help finish what was left after a very long night for him, bless his heart. He's quite the reliable friend, I was so proud of him even though he looked pretty wrecked and very tired. He worked very hard.

Saturday night I had a fantastic chat with Aunty MB, I love her voice. It's got it's own character, like it's alive outside of her self. I miss her tremendously and in our usual fashion I babbled on and on about my life before I finally asked what was new for her. I am terrible with that, I just get excited and sort of "Blah" everything right away, ah well...that's just how I tick. Aunty sounds great, but Lil Tory sadly did not sound quite on top of his game. I got an email from her this morning that was profoundly moving, I really don't have the words as the email not only demonstrates her deep love for this sweet Lil Farm cat, but her ability to convey thought and emotion through written word. My heart hurt and rejoiced at the same time in reading of this love, it's a deeply curious thing...love, how we love each and our furry little buddies and all the that grow and give around us. Bravo to Aunty MB in capturing this love and setting it free. Thank you for sharing it with me, Tory is definitely the King of your heart and mine to in that he brought so much to your life. Bless him.

After I got off the phone with Aunty, we settled in and relaxed. Wrapped some soooprize gifts for Max, he was under the impression there was not Christmas this year. He was wrong, yay!

"Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" He found the Christmas Tree we put up and his gifts and spent an awful lot of time eyeballing them before finally coming to wake me, I was proud...he was rather patient. We got up and had a wonderful morning, it was a wonderful day in general. We didn't do much, I really couldn't cuz my ankles were swollen and my Smurf Toe was acting up...so I decided to leave the unpacking alone. We just chilled and watched movies and played games and Max played with his new toys, he's still a little guy in lots of ways even though he acts like a really big guy in most ways:) I love him, he is a dear.

Oh..and Matt did NOT ruin Christmas for the record.

Monday was not as productive as it could've been, I was actually quite irritated with everyone and really just wanted to go back to bed but there was much to be done. I did some work and then settled in for some golf. There was definitely some unneeded drama between Matt, Chance, Rhi and I. That won't be happening again. I think there were just too many cranky bodies needing some space, that said...everyone should probably apologize and move on.

Chance and I have decided to keep New Years ultra low key this year and spend it at home just he and I. We need some time together in our new house together, I am looking forward to it. We are going to make Sushi and drink Saki and hold hands and be in love. :) Yay.

Max is with his Grandparents until 01/02/2006. sigh. That is a very long time for Momma Bear to be away from her cub, but my little cub is pushing for more space and I am left with little choice. He's pushing in LOTS of directions...mostly just mine:) That's ok, we are finding our groove.

Well kids, I should be off. I have relatively little work to do, but should try to stay somewhat focused today. It's so quiet in here today, there is literally only about half the staff here...it's really nutty! Also, just an FYI to all...I don't have Comcast.Net access at home until Friday, so I am only checking email from work for now.

Love you all so so so much, peace.

Dear Friends & Family...

Dear Friends & Family...

Our lives are totally crazy right now, for reasons many of you know and some most of you don't right now...please do not take my lack of communication personal. I love you all and please send your positive vibes and prayers our way right now...we really need them.

Happy Holidays and I hope this finds you all well. More to come soon.....

I've Had It

I need to vent for a moment.

I am a little angry today and since I am supposed to be working on alleviating my anxiety more and stressing less, I will take this opportunity to blow off a little steam.

a) If you say your going to do something, do it.
If you do not, I don't not forgive this easily. To me, if you renege on a plan or task you've obligated yourself to and then blow it off, distrust begins to form in my mind. What's worse is if you obligate yourself to something and then leave me stuck with it; again and again and then act all confused when I call you out on it.

b) Double Standards
I work a full time job, I am a mother and I am a fairly sensitive person. I can not do and will not do everything. I am sorry if I have let some people in my life down. If you have suddenly realized that I am human and not some image of perfect, ever-nurturing, ever-tolerant individual and you are disappointed, tough ta ta's. Oh yes, and please don't assume that since I am a female it is my responsibility to act proper or chaste simply because it makes you more comfortable. What you see is what you get.

c) Accountability
I can not tolerate those who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own behaviors, actions, opinions, etc. Do not blame or point your finger at me if you screwed up and especially do not expect me to bail you out or attempt to manipulate me to emotionally rationalize your own behavior. I'm tired of the guilt trips, I'm tired of the mental abuse and I'm damn tired of your chilly attitude. Don't expect more from me then you are willing to put forth yourself.

d) Kindness
Never ever mistake my kindness for weakness.

e) Gentleness
Those with gentle and tolerant character catch my eye, open my heart and perk my ears to listen carefully. Negativity, sarcasm, cruelty and apathy disgust me; and though I have love in my heart for all things, it does not mean I have to subject myself to that behavior and I have the right to walk away and remove myself form it. If this offends you, that is your choice.

I feel a little better, I am definitely looking forward to a good work out this afternoon though. breath and activity do wonders.

Peace all, hope your having a great day.

It finally happened....

Much to my dismay, it has finally happened.

I have officially "blossomed" into the round, semi-gelatinous tree fruit that is my namesake.

Main Entry: man·go
Pronunciation: 'ma[ng]-(")gO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mangoes also mangos
Etymology: Portuguese manga, probably from Malayalam mAnna
1 : a tropical fruit commonly with a firm yellowish red skin, hard central stone, and juicy aromatic pulp; also : an evergreen tree (Mangifera indica) of the cashew family that bears mangoes

Thanks Chance, I hope you are happy ;-)

I just consumed a gigantic bag of Moose Munch. 8 oz. of dark chocolate, almondy crunch-n-munch goodness. Before that I ate a round chocolate ball filled with gooey gummy peanut butter.

For lunch I ate a bowl of very healthy, low sodium vegetable soup and quickly added about 3 good pinches of salt and pepper to it. Sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it? Chance would KILL me if he knew I had a secret stash of salt in my drawer at work.

For breakfast I ate a bowl of very healthy oatmeal with and then promptly drank 4 cups off coffee with cocoa in it. OMG....CHOCOLATE in my COFFEE! That's right kids, I stirred chocolate into my coffee cuz cream and sugar just wasn't cutting it this morning.

I am developing cube butt and my middle has grown exponentially in the past several months. FYI, the Moose Munch is now gurgling around in my tummy and my tummy is pretty happy about it. Thank you Moose Munch, I am so glad you are not really a Moose.

I am round. It is cold outside and I am packing on the blubber, I expect to go into hibernation at any moment. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Or...wait, what do Bears say? ROOOOARRRRRRRRR! ~ Waddles Back To Hibernation Cave ~

I like salt, caffeine, sugar, cheese, peanut butter, wine and the occasional cigarette. I like all the things that are bad for me. I like all the things that are good for me too, I like almost all food and drink and know I am blessed to NOT be a "selective" eater...cuz there are so many delicious things to consume it's almost maddening to think of. What I don't really like is that my metabolism is noticeably pokey these days and I, unfortunately, have not been blessed with the ability to eat whatever I want and look simply dashing doing so.

THEN I've got the "I'm stressed so I'll start grazing" munchies. I'm a little tense these days, admittedly. Who wouldn't be? I'm buying a house, slammed at work, have "sort-of" quite smoking, I have a 13 year old who loves to torment me and a 33 year old who apparently also takes great joy in giving me a damn hard time AND it's the freaking Holidays. Don't even talk to me about money. What I want to know is, why then can't I be one of those people who gets THINNER when stressed? You know what I mean? Well not me, no maam. I just get hungrier and do tend to work out more, but that does NOTHING when you eat a whole bag of Moose Munch and a freaking peanut butter ball for your snack at your sedentary job where you sit for 8 - 10 hours a day. Nope, that is NOT conducive to a sleek and cellulite free body, nope nope nope.

Danget, where's that Moose Munch?

So, I'm done with that whole rant. I mostly just wanted everyone to know that I am a big round jiggly and giggly fruit now. Don't be alarmed when you see me. You'll be able to spot me by the long blonde hair atop my gigantic Mango head, supported by my huge Pear shaped body.

My primary concern at this point is that I may spontaneously combust into a large pitcher of Mango Juice which will make a huge mess in my cube or car.

Whoooaaaa Nelly!

Um...it's like Windy and stuff:)

For any of you living in the Denver area you know what I am referring one of the blustery days I've ever witnessed in Colorado. It's a little unsettling, not too mention totally and completely freezing. But it is part of winter here, at least some of the time and I've always thought of the Wind as Mother Earth's way of very blatantly providing us with information of some sort or another. A warning, a sign, a sweet caress on a warm day. Wind is powerful and gentle all at the same time, no matter the intensity I always listen.

That said, I managed to avoid 2 boxes and 1 plastic garbage can (yes, GARBAGE can) on the way to work. One box almost slammed right into me from the other side of the highway on the way in, doubt it would've done damage to The Baby Jetta, but it startled me nonetheless. The garbage can was bouncing all around my exit off I25 to work and seemed to be mocking me more than anything, I'd steer away from it and it seemed to go the same way, steer the other direction. It was following me, I'm sure of it.! The highway was a challenge and I am thankful I made it without serious incident.

I am wrapping up the final pieces of documentation required in order to process my loan agreement with the lender. The inspection piece is completed and the sellers have agreed to the terms and conditions of items they must fix and/or address before we move in. The appraisal will be scheduled for next week and things are moving quickly, but smoothly. Every day we work through this process is another day in which I am reminded of how blessed and loved we are. Everyone has been so amazing, I am overwhelmed and overcome and grateful all at the same time. I think I may just need to pack the magnitude of this generosity in the depths of my heart for right now as trying to absorb it on top of going through the actual process of buying a home is probably a little much for anyone.

The weekend was a joyous one, tho exhausting to be frank. I had little baby Evan for the night on Friday and most of the day on Saturday. He's so sweet and I do enjoy him tremendously, so that was nice. I enjoy his little baby giggles and smiles and coo's and warmth, he provides an escape that is unlike any other.

We then went bowling and I mopped the floor with Chance and Max. I'm a good bowler and yes I am gloating, but it's cuz it's the ONLY thing I am at par with the guys on, otherwise, they kick my butt at EVERYTHING. Good thing I'm not pouty about it, but I will take my 15 minutes in the spotlight when needed:) After bowling we invited the gang over for dinner and some video games and what not.

I did need some girl time with Rhi and I am happy she could oblige. It's amazing how just verbalizing a thought or working through an emotion with another person can put things in perspective, I am glad she could listen as it helped me sort out some things I already knew the answers to but needed to just spit out in words. Also got to talk with Crystal which was such a treat, I miss her so and I enjoy hearing her voice. I miss our talks. Crys was at the fun store, we shared a few silly jokes and it was time for us to part temporarily. The remainder of the evening was fairly quiet and as always, I enjoyed my time with Matt and Rhi tremendously. I am also pleased to be getting to know Sam on a more personal level, I've always found him interesting and am happy to be learning more about his experiences and who he is.

Unfortunately, I did pay for staying up too late with the "kids", I am learning very quickly that my body doesn't bounce back like it used to from little sleep and it takes me days to recover when my routine is broken. Ah well, like everything else I am still finding the balance.

Sunday afternoon I spent some time with Max, talking about the new house and just snuggling him. He's pretty excited and I know he's going to love the new place, he's a great kid albeit an ornery one on occasion, but over I couldn't ask for more.

Last night C and I planned to have some quiet time to ourselves, but that did not pan out as I was soooo tired I fell asleep on his arm and that was that. mmmm, sleep good. So tonight, we will have quiet time after we clean up the house and make sure Max has everything ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow night is his first band concert, I'm excited;)

I should get to work. The townhouse is definitely consuming a lot of my resources, so I am having to make up time at work where I can. This means missed lunches and nose to the grindstone when I am not picking up a fax from my realtor or on the phone with my lender....talk about juggling, I should be good at this.

FYI: I'm telling everyone not to take it personal if I am not in touch or you've not heard from me much, especially given the time of year. It's not personal and I love you all. Oh and by the way, 2.5 weeks and counting till we move....whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!

Oatmeal With A Fork? Ok, that'll work...

Yes boys and girls, it's that time again where I am attempting to eat oatmeal with a fork at work as I have no spoon today and our company is much to cheap to supply any sort of plasticware for our breakfeast and/or lunchtime pleasure. But I don't mind, becuase so far it's going well. It's the bottom of the bowl where the fork situation gets tricky. I also don't mind that my company is cheap about such things, they take pretty good care of us over all.

Next.

After a rather annoying moody day yesterday, I am feeling tip top today and ready to get going. I am pretty excited about the inspection today, mostly becuz it gives me an opportunity to ooooh and ahhhhh and MY (yes, MY! okay...I guess it's Max and Chances too) new digs. I can't wait to grin and smile and start taking measurements for the window coverings and really hope that there's nothing terribley wrong during the inspection.

Work of course is very busy, one thing I know for sure about life is that just becuase something life altering is going on in your immediate world, the rest of the world does not cease to stop moving. Danget. And here all this time I thought it was all about me ;-P

In other news, the 15 year old Orange Noise Monster now wakes me up at 5:30 each morning with her insessant mewing and sitting on my head. I have not decided if this is a positive thing or not, I am not an early riser generally but I am trying to make my mornings more usefull...perhaps Punky is here to help with that.

And finally....as if it was a big surprise that Alito was uber conservative and definately tips the scales (as if they needed tipping) in the Supreme Court...there it is quite clear that his stance on abortion and womens productive health will continue to complicate the issue and Planned Parenthood attorneys will certainly not be unemployed anytime soon. What bugs me is how sneaky he is about it, at least stand your ground if your going to have an option!