I’m happy to report that I am definitely feeling better. At first, I was pretty cheesed at the idea of spending the weekend sneezing, coughing and blowing my nose. And missing the corn maze with Crystal and Dane, but I’m glad I was a good girl and stayed in bed. I must’ve slept at least 10 hours each night and lots of naps each day, which is always something one can appreciate.
In other news, I’d just like to report that Sean is a total ass. I can’t even believe the kind of assery he thinks he can get away with. It is unbelievable that a 40 year old man behaves in this manner, but then again, THIS particular 40 year old man has yet to disappoint me in the assery department. That said, last Thursday went a little something like this:
I’m working from home with what turned out to be the worst of the cold/sinus crap last week (thank goodness) and I start getting all these nasty texts from Max telling me I need to get the state to stop taking money of his dad’s checks and who do I think I am still trying to collect, etc…etc…etc…
HUH?
a) Why in the heck is Max even involved in this conversation?
b) Max obviously doesn’t have all the details, that is very clear by what he was saying and it was basically Sean’s words being regurgitated from my baby’s mouth.
c) I have done everything I am supposed to do revoke the child support order, Sean was the one slacking in getting the required information to my employer and the state regarding Max’s health insurance. I am not even getting checks any more and haven’t since August
I catch my breath and try to explain to Max calmly that he shouldn’t even be involved in this conversation, period the end and that Sean and I need to discuss this directly. Which, for the record, I have called Sean and left a voice mail regarding this issue at least 4 different times now. I figured there are just only so many attempts one can make before ones says hey, I’ve done my due diligence, it’s on you now buddy.
Max is just irate (I’m assuming because Sean was probably being a huge jerk to Max as a result of this issue, which is never even should’ve gotten this far anyway, but I digress) and insists I call Sean immediately and resolve this. So, I suck up my pride and call Sean. He begins the conversation by accusing me of trying to black mail him, that I am trying to scam him because that is the kind of shady person I am.
Explanation: Sean has always insisted I am out for his money. Ha, what money? But anyway, when I got pregnant with Max and decided I was going to have this baby, he immediately began accusing me of trying to trap him and make him support me and Max. It just went south from that point on.
Anyway, Sean continues to berate, accuse, disrespect and threaten me until I finally yell back at him to let me speak. He hangs up. Calls me back 5 minutes later and is acting just as crazy, if not more. He will not let me get a word in edgewise to explain what is going on, he hangs up on me again. He calls back a few minutes later and is literally screaming into the phone and then he did it, he threatened me physically and I hung up on him.
That said, I then spent the next 2 hours making phone calls and found out that the state and my employer had literally just received the day before the paper work Sean should’ve sent over a month ago. Meanwhile, Max is continuing to send me snarky texts and act as if this is all my doing. Like on purpose, like I’m trying to make things harder for them or something. Finally, I had to clearly tell Max to back off of me and to stay out of it. Which he seemed to respect and I felt really bad for the poor kid, all this war between his parents. That must suck
I send Sean a text and explain to him what’s going on (he’ll be reimbursed with all the support they took out of his check for September) and called it day. I get a text from him later that night saying “Thanks for your cooperation?” What? Are you freaking high dood? I was never being uncooperative to begin with. In fact, I’ve been pretty compliant over all with this situation. There is something very seriously wrong with this person. I know this for sure, if he threatens me like that again, I will get a restraining order. I won’t have a choice. And his behavior does nothing to reassure me that my son is safe. Not to mention what Max must be hearing about me. I know how scary Sean can be when he’s in that head space. Max is not used to that kind of crazy. My cup of crazy is only half full, Sean’s is over flowing. I’ve once never gone around putting my fists through walls, breaking windows and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I’m not saying Sean is doing this with my son in the house, but based on how he was talking to me…that’s exactly what I envisioned, or worse. After all, we are talking about someone who never had a problem hitting me while I was pregnant and grabbing Max out of my arms so he could beat the hell out of me.
Yes, I get it that this stuff is going to bring up a lot of trauma from our history. Sean has put me through a lot at a very young age and I get it that some of my reactions to this might be post traumatic stress stuff. I can accept all that. But I have to be strong and maintain some sense of sanity between us for Max. I have to find a way to overcome all that fight or flight stuff that comes up for me when Sean starts the threats and manipulations, because when he is yelling at me like that, I am literally shaking with both rage and fear. I hate that I’m still scared of him, I hate that I’m not “better” in this regard, I’m 33 years old after all. I should have better coping skills then this right? Cripes.
Anyway, I think things are “ok” between Max and I. I’ve gotten a few emails from him, strangley though, all asking me for money. I’m undecided on how to handle the money thing. On the one hand, I think Sean should be responsible for all of Max’s financial needs. I did it for 15 years without a dime from Sean, surely he can figure it out for the next 11 months until Max turns 18? On the other hand, I don’t want my son to suffer for it either. Though, it has been pointed out to me that maybe Max needs to see the results of his choices just as I have to bare the burden of my own. That maybe bailing him out right now isn’t the best thing, even though my little mommy heart strings are all a flutter and full of worry.
Ugh. Well, at least I know Sean is consistently and ass. My rational side says he’s feeling threatened too, he’s probably overwhelmed also, he has zero ability to have conflict resolution in any kind of way and even less ability to parent and manage his own stress. The other side of me, the part that is tired of letting him intimidate me, just says “He’s an ASS, that’s just the way it is and when someone acts that way, you treat them that way.” It’s like dealing with a big giant toddler throwing a fit. Kristen said: “You know Sarah, all you can do is live your life and do the best you can. Sean is going to be an asshole today and tomorrow and the day after that.” That made me laugh, gawd I love that woman. She has a fair amount of experience in this department, her baby daddy and Sean used to be best friends. So you can imagine what kind of guy Bethany’s dad is, just as bad, worse in some ways. Kristen always handles it with a lot of grace and strength, so I shall look to her and my many other resources when I feel overcome by the madness of all of this.
Sigh. Glad that day is over. Cheers to the many more to come. Not.
M’s surgery is tomorrow. Of course, I’m trying not to worry or panic because she’s really freaking tough and brave. But I love her and I won’t feel ok until she’s out of surgery and safe and sound. So, extra big ju ju out for her tomorrow.
I miss Crystal, I am pissed I still haven’t seen her. What a sucky friend I am right now. To everyone it feels like. I’m just sort of floating through the days. Sometimes it goes by so fast I’m like WHOA, it’s what day already? Other times, it drags and I feel like I’m living in slow motion. I feel much more clear headed today though, for the first time in a few weeks now so that’s good.
I’m very nervous about my review coming up. This summer wasn’t exactly kind in terms of hours and my ability to focus. I’ve had better summers, that’s for sure. Cross your fingers on that review, probably some time in November. Nancy is on vacation next week and that’s when she’s doing them. I told her I’d give her rum money if she promised to drink it will doing my review.
That’s all for now. Love to you all.
S
Monday, October 05, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
ugh can't focus today
Either I have zero motivation to work (even tho I have loads to do) or I just can’t focus because I am to the point where I’m sitting here just staring at code, going “durrrhhhhhhhhhhh.” We are rewriting our core application starting November 1 and I have been tasked with helping to build requirements for the rewrite because I’m so familiar with the application. I will say writing requirements isn’t my favorite thing to do. It gives me brain damage trying to think of every possible detail because forgetting something would be criminal that’s for certain, we are talking about people’s phone books here and the gods might strike me down should I list a field type as VarChar instead of a Char. Pure tedium Hey, it pays the bills and this should keep me busy through next October at this rate. I surely won’t complain about having a job to come to every day, I just need to remember when to take breaks.
I’m a little cranky today. I’m feeling that need to retreat within and escape and that urge is something I am dissecting rather submitting to. This urge is strong at times and it can manifest itself in many many ways, some of them are extremely productive and those are what we put energy into. I no longer consider the self destructive behaviors as options. Since doing so, it’s amazing how you can get through the anxiety and cranky days without doing something you regret. It passes, it always does.
One area of particular focus on this subject is that I’ve lived in the drama for such a long period of time in my life (off and on) that when things are just kind of “oK’ and nothing is blowing up, I tend to get very anxious. in the past, I can see times when I’ve unintentionally, but still played a role in creating some kind of drama to deal with. So you see, now that I’m settling into this new life after the last series of drama and things are kind of working themselves out for me on a daily basis, new routines, etc….I find myself either waiting for something awful to happen (the current fear is getting laid off) or getting all antsy about wanting to go DO something about it, but I never know what and we all know that old habits die hard so I fight the urges to be self destructive and thus, do nothing, which feels a little unproductive and wasteful.
Tonight tho, after a few light chores, a bath is on the agenda. I also have some delicious spinach tortellini’s to make for dinner and I’m looking forward to that and snuggling my dog. Who cares if I don’t clean the house tonight or mow the lawn or do anything one might deem productive, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Sometimes, doing nothing is way better then doing something you later regret.
I’m a little cranky today. I’m feeling that need to retreat within and escape and that urge is something I am dissecting rather submitting to. This urge is strong at times and it can manifest itself in many many ways, some of them are extremely productive and those are what we put energy into. I no longer consider the self destructive behaviors as options. Since doing so, it’s amazing how you can get through the anxiety and cranky days without doing something you regret. It passes, it always does.
One area of particular focus on this subject is that I’ve lived in the drama for such a long period of time in my life (off and on) that when things are just kind of “oK’ and nothing is blowing up, I tend to get very anxious. in the past, I can see times when I’ve unintentionally, but still played a role in creating some kind of drama to deal with. So you see, now that I’m settling into this new life after the last series of drama and things are kind of working themselves out for me on a daily basis, new routines, etc….I find myself either waiting for something awful to happen (the current fear is getting laid off) or getting all antsy about wanting to go DO something about it, but I never know what and we all know that old habits die hard so I fight the urges to be self destructive and thus, do nothing, which feels a little unproductive and wasteful.
Tonight tho, after a few light chores, a bath is on the agenda. I also have some delicious spinach tortellini’s to make for dinner and I’m looking forward to that and snuggling my dog. Who cares if I don’t clean the house tonight or mow the lawn or do anything one might deem productive, it’ll still be there tomorrow. Sometimes, doing nothing is way better then doing something you later regret.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Everyone run, here come the hormones....
So, I’ve learned enough about my body to know when the hormones are coming and given my normal cycle, they should hit any day now. Last months were really really bad. Max’s first birthday away from home didn’t help. This time, I plan to take a whole lot better care of myself. But do be prepared for some whining, cuz you know it’s coming :D
The most rockin’ part is that I can be a hormonal bitch if I want to, I don’t have anyone at home that I need to man up for. HA! Take that.
Gaia tortured a poor gardener snake to death this weekend and looked puzzled when it stopped “playing” with her. She pawed and stared for longer then I imagine I could even stand to see if that thing was going to come back to life and play with me and then promptly dropped the whole situation and moved on to the grasshoppers bouncing all over my backyard. After ensuring Gaia was indeed done with the snake, Bailey went and gobbled it up when she thought no one was looking. Apparently, this snake is the gift that keeps on giving because I then felt a warm, squishy sensation under my toes as I went into my room to prepare for bed. Mmmm, regurgitated snake bits. I’m so lucky my doggy loves me enough to share everything with me, even the dead stuff.
This weekend is Dane’s birthday and there are plans for the corn maze and possibly a movie. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve really missed them.
Micheal Moore was Bill Mahr last weekend, that was good stuff. I can’t wait to see his new movie, probably do that on Friday night.
Matty’s last treatment is this week, I really hope it goes well for him. It’s been a hard year, I hope this can mark a new beginning in his recovery.
Speaking of recovery, I learned this weekend that my meds interact pretty strongly with alcohol and spent Saturday paying for what would normally be a slight blip in my radar. Apparently, I can have approximately ¼ of what I’m used to or suffer the consequences and those consequences are a definite deterrent. Ugh!
I wish Iran would stop playing the “look what we can do” card with us and attend the Geneva convention with a very convincing argument about why we shouldn’t react so strongly because they are freaking me out. I know I don’t really need to sit here and list the number of reasons why the word “nuclear” freaks me out, but I am anxious about this thing turning ugly. We all know Iran was on Bush’s radar at some point, I know Obama doesn’t share that radar screen (thank the gods) but it doesn’t mean Iran isn’t feeling anxious anyway, I mean cripes….look what we are doing to their neighbors? Wouldn’t you feel a little defensive? I think I might, so I don’t know that I can blame them for wanting to have access to the same measures that we have to protect themselves. Sadly, this of course means there’s just one more group of people out there running around with missles pointed at each other and I just can’t wrap my head around that. They should fill those missiles up with maple syrup, non-lethal but very very messy and annoying. In fact, I think being annoyed is a fate worse then death, so maybe we can all start fighting wars without killing each other, just being really really annoying? Idiots.
PS: I finally found out that I really don’t like swiss cheese unless it’s on a Rueben. That is all.
The most rockin’ part is that I can be a hormonal bitch if I want to, I don’t have anyone at home that I need to man up for. HA! Take that.
Gaia tortured a poor gardener snake to death this weekend and looked puzzled when it stopped “playing” with her. She pawed and stared for longer then I imagine I could even stand to see if that thing was going to come back to life and play with me and then promptly dropped the whole situation and moved on to the grasshoppers bouncing all over my backyard. After ensuring Gaia was indeed done with the snake, Bailey went and gobbled it up when she thought no one was looking. Apparently, this snake is the gift that keeps on giving because I then felt a warm, squishy sensation under my toes as I went into my room to prepare for bed. Mmmm, regurgitated snake bits. I’m so lucky my doggy loves me enough to share everything with me, even the dead stuff.
This weekend is Dane’s birthday and there are plans for the corn maze and possibly a movie. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve really missed them.
Micheal Moore was Bill Mahr last weekend, that was good stuff. I can’t wait to see his new movie, probably do that on Friday night.
Matty’s last treatment is this week, I really hope it goes well for him. It’s been a hard year, I hope this can mark a new beginning in his recovery.
Speaking of recovery, I learned this weekend that my meds interact pretty strongly with alcohol and spent Saturday paying for what would normally be a slight blip in my radar. Apparently, I can have approximately ¼ of what I’m used to or suffer the consequences and those consequences are a definite deterrent. Ugh!
I wish Iran would stop playing the “look what we can do” card with us and attend the Geneva convention with a very convincing argument about why we shouldn’t react so strongly because they are freaking me out. I know I don’t really need to sit here and list the number of reasons why the word “nuclear” freaks me out, but I am anxious about this thing turning ugly. We all know Iran was on Bush’s radar at some point, I know Obama doesn’t share that radar screen (thank the gods) but it doesn’t mean Iran isn’t feeling anxious anyway, I mean cripes….look what we are doing to their neighbors? Wouldn’t you feel a little defensive? I think I might, so I don’t know that I can blame them for wanting to have access to the same measures that we have to protect themselves. Sadly, this of course means there’s just one more group of people out there running around with missles pointed at each other and I just can’t wrap my head around that. They should fill those missiles up with maple syrup, non-lethal but very very messy and annoying. In fact, I think being annoyed is a fate worse then death, so maybe we can all start fighting wars without killing each other, just being really really annoying? Idiots.
PS: I finally found out that I really don’t like swiss cheese unless it’s on a Rueben. That is all.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wish it was 4 OClock on a Friday
Wah. It’s not 4 pm yet. This has been the longest week on record. I am really ready for it to be over. Let’s see, on the agenda for this weekend: NOTHING! BUWAHAHAHA! It’s all mine, yes! Score one for the Tree Fruit. I might go see a movie tonight w/ D if I feel up to it. All I know is that there will be a lot of resting and not much working. Sigh….weekends….how I adore you.
Note to self, must take most medications with food. My little nervous system just isn’t designed to tolerate meds without something in mah belly, else I have a rougher time then expected. Still a little jittery and weird today, but a definate improvement from yesterday.
Am having some weird flashbacks and making connections about things I hadn’t previously thought of. Funny how when your mind begins to clear, that happens. I wouldn’t say my mind is the picture of clarity at the moment, far from it, but I surely do feel more able to focus and be on task which results in the kind of productivity that is both rewarding and has a purpose. Plus, my mind isn’t racing with insanity and I can actually think about things with a bit more objectivity. It’s good.
Well that’s it for now, I guess I should try to get some work done. Cripes. That’s what they pay me the big bucks for right? blahhh
Note to self, must take most medications with food. My little nervous system just isn’t designed to tolerate meds without something in mah belly, else I have a rougher time then expected. Still a little jittery and weird today, but a definate improvement from yesterday.
Am having some weird flashbacks and making connections about things I hadn’t previously thought of. Funny how when your mind begins to clear, that happens. I wouldn’t say my mind is the picture of clarity at the moment, far from it, but I surely do feel more able to focus and be on task which results in the kind of productivity that is both rewarding and has a purpose. Plus, my mind isn’t racing with insanity and I can actually think about things with a bit more objectivity. It’s good.
Well that’s it for now, I guess I should try to get some work done. Cripes. That’s what they pay me the big bucks for right? blahhh
Thursday, September 24, 2009
ok, better....Happy Thursday.
I feel better this morning, mood wise. Physically, I still feel like butt. Sinus thing kinda kicking me in the head, but considering all the people I know with health problems I feel I really can’t complain about a sinus headache and creepy all over feeling that won’t quite go away. I also realize this could be due to all this emotional work I am doing right now, it’s been pointed out to me that emotional stuff can manifest itself into physical stuff (which I know, but forget sometimes) so I’m focusing on taking really good care of myself and getting to work every day. Last night I went home, made grilled cheese and soup for dinner, did crosswords and snuggled my dog. Was in bed by 9 and asleep by 9:30 or so.
I am having some wildly vivid dreams. Last night’s was about Chance. At first in my dream, I was kind and tolerant of him. Overly so, to which of course he was receptive and began taking advantage of very quickly. Then I completely went off on him, accusing him of ruining my life, which he responded to by deflecting it all unto me (typical, no accountability) and acting as if I’d said nothing at all. Then I beat the living hell out of him with my little fists. Rather violent for me, so this woke me up and I was breathing heavily and everything. Hmmmm, no unresolved issues there huh?
Max and I spoke for about 30 minutes yesterday. Babble about nothing really, but it’s the longest we’ve spoken since he moved. He was receptive and actually participated in the conversation. It was good enough that I didn’t hang up and cry after, so that’s something.
The weekend looks quiet, girls night maybe on Friday night if everyone is up to it. Based on how I feel at the moment, that seems unlikely but we’ll see. I wish it was next weekend, Micheal Moore’s new movie comes out and I can’t wait to see that. Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he makes these issues palatable for the average consumer, which helps to both inform and motivate. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
I am having some wildly vivid dreams. Last night’s was about Chance. At first in my dream, I was kind and tolerant of him. Overly so, to which of course he was receptive and began taking advantage of very quickly. Then I completely went off on him, accusing him of ruining my life, which he responded to by deflecting it all unto me (typical, no accountability) and acting as if I’d said nothing at all. Then I beat the living hell out of him with my little fists. Rather violent for me, so this woke me up and I was breathing heavily and everything. Hmmmm, no unresolved issues there huh?
Max and I spoke for about 30 minutes yesterday. Babble about nothing really, but it’s the longest we’ve spoken since he moved. He was receptive and actually participated in the conversation. It was good enough that I didn’t hang up and cry after, so that’s something.
The weekend looks quiet, girls night maybe on Friday night if everyone is up to it. Based on how I feel at the moment, that seems unlikely but we’ll see. I wish it was next weekend, Micheal Moore’s new movie comes out and I can’t wait to see that. Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he makes these issues palatable for the average consumer, which helps to both inform and motivate. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Well, I’m in a craptastic mood today. Bailey decided that she was going to be up, then down, then up again ALL night long. This went on from midnight until 4 AM. It’s just like having an infant. And I’m thinking of adding ANOTHER puppy to the mix in 6 months? I must be crazy. I would say this is one of the first times I’ve left the house feeling really agitated with her. I’ve tolerated her nipping, puppy gnawings, potty training and all the things that go along with having a puppy, but last night definitely did some wear and tear on my nerves on the Bailey front.
Then, the Excel Energy doods show up at my door at 7:15 AM while I’m still in my bathrobe, slippers and hair towel on my head wanting access to the back yard to trim the trees. They left a note yesterday saying they’d be by today and to leave the gate open, but I didn’t expect them at 7:15 AM. I am glad they are coming to trim the trees, but seriously people…can you give a girl until 8 AM to come barging in and upsetting the whole damn household? Meanwhile, Bailey is barking her fool head off because of all these strange men stomping through the back yard and I’m trying to get ready for work. Gaia is clawing at kitchen window SCREEN to be let in (probably the most annoying habit she’s picked up thus far), Pumpkin is meowing like she’s just going to DIE if I don’t feed her RIGHT NOW and I still don’t have any real clothes on.
No.
THEN, I get to work and check my home email and this woman who was supposed to come pick up the elliptical I am selling emails me and says she can’t make it after all, husband doesn’t want to bother with it…blah blah excuses. This is the 4th time in 2 weeks I’ve had someone flake on me after I’ve held the damn thing for them.
I’ve had a sinus headache for weeks now, I don’t feel quite right at the moment and the weather just makes me want to go back to my comfy warm bed and flip the bird to the world. I’m worried about Mary, I have to call Max today (anxiety provoking activity) and I really really wish it was Friday.
RAWR!!!!!!
I know, I’m real scary.
Then, the Excel Energy doods show up at my door at 7:15 AM while I’m still in my bathrobe, slippers and hair towel on my head wanting access to the back yard to trim the trees. They left a note yesterday saying they’d be by today and to leave the gate open, but I didn’t expect them at 7:15 AM. I am glad they are coming to trim the trees, but seriously people…can you give a girl until 8 AM to come barging in and upsetting the whole damn household? Meanwhile, Bailey is barking her fool head off because of all these strange men stomping through the back yard and I’m trying to get ready for work. Gaia is clawing at kitchen window SCREEN to be let in (probably the most annoying habit she’s picked up thus far), Pumpkin is meowing like she’s just going to DIE if I don’t feed her RIGHT NOW and I still don’t have any real clothes on.
No.
THEN, I get to work and check my home email and this woman who was supposed to come pick up the elliptical I am selling emails me and says she can’t make it after all, husband doesn’t want to bother with it…blah blah excuses. This is the 4th time in 2 weeks I’ve had someone flake on me after I’ve held the damn thing for them.
I’ve had a sinus headache for weeks now, I don’t feel quite right at the moment and the weather just makes me want to go back to my comfy warm bed and flip the bird to the world. I’m worried about Mary, I have to call Max today (anxiety provoking activity) and I really really wish it was Friday.
RAWR!!!!!!
I know, I’m real scary.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Well, Mother Nature is surely pushing us into saying goodbye to summer whether we like it or not. I like that about her, crafty old crone…she’s probably had just about enough of our crap for one millennium and is keeping us on our toes. A few benefits to cooler, wetter weather:
- You have an excellent excuse to snuggle the ones you love under a blanket with a good book, movie or your favorite episode of whatever tv show catches your fancy.
- Sweaters, hoodies, scarves and hiking boots.
- Leaves turn and begin to fall, which if you are lucky enough to live by Aspen tree’s is an even more exciting event.
- Grilled cheese and soup for dinner.
- Cool nights that translate into cool mornings with squeeashy puppies under the covers. Man I loves me that dog!
If it does actually snow tonight, I’m thinking I’ll probably need to get the camera out and throw Bailey out in it and start snapping photo’s because if I know that doggeh, it’ll be a photo worthy event.
My mood is improving, I still have really shitty days and that’s just the way it is. We’ll see what the wonders of modern medicine can do for me. So far, I have the WORST cotton mouth ever and I’m a little drowsy, well and I guess I just feel different. So far, in a good, positive way. I am definitely able to focus more at work which is nice (if you don’t count this blogg entry in the middle of my work day LOL) and I feel more able to think things through instead of just immediately reacting.
In news completely unrelated to little old self absorbed me: Crystal is here! TA DAAAAA! Yay. This makes me a very very happy tree fruit. I can’t believe that now, I can drive 30 minutes and there she is! Their new house is just lovely and Crystal is taking a lot of time to set up her nest so that it represents her, Dane and their marriage. Which is quite a lovely thing in and of itself. I’m still REALLY jealous about the chopper thingy, WANT!
P is talking about a visit, I hope that can happy for her. Ok, I want her to come for me more then anything…but I know how this stuff can go. I love my Spicy Wasabi P, especially when she has her Vulcan ears on cuz she’s at her spiciest then. Secretly, I’m hatching a plan to move P and her kiddo out here to so that I’d be surrounded by all my girls and then I’d be in femme fatale heaven!
Seriously, when I think of the women in my life it’s like something you’d see in a sit com or a modern day Charlie’s Angels. That would be scary, all of us as Charlie’s Angels? I’d pity the poor man that got in our way. I get to the cute blonde seductress who uses her seemingly innocent charm to lure them in and then poison them. BUWAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Take that beeetches.
Whoa…what would happen if I managed to get my cousins and Aunties and GramE & Grandpa John here too? Holy crap….NOW I’m thinking huge I know. Oh well, I never said I wasn’t totally selfish. I mean really, some days I wonder how the world even continues to function when I go to sleep at night.
Life kind of plugs along, I’m still getting through the days one at a time and that’s ok. I don’t make a lot of plans or commit to much more then I can do in the foreseeable future. I am enjoying doing things on my own terms and in my own space. My plans for classes and things are on hold for about another month or so and then I can start looking at what interests me. Right now I’m thinking of a Spanish class, a creative writing class (en espanol? No beuno!), an art class of some kind or belly dancing. Oh and puppy training classes with the Mogwai. She’s so smart, it’s a shame not to put all that brilliance to good use.
I speak with Max on Wednesdays and we talk often. I’ll let you know how tomorrow’s talk goes. Last weeks wasn’t so great, he’s being pretty jerky to me and sounds more like his father then I can stomach. But such is the reality of the situation. I still can’t help but feel this isn’t permanent, perhaps that’s my instinct talking to me or maybe I’m just in denial. Who knows.
Peace out for now
Xo
- You have an excellent excuse to snuggle the ones you love under a blanket with a good book, movie or your favorite episode of whatever tv show catches your fancy.
- Sweaters, hoodies, scarves and hiking boots.
- Leaves turn and begin to fall, which if you are lucky enough to live by Aspen tree’s is an even more exciting event.
- Grilled cheese and soup for dinner.
- Cool nights that translate into cool mornings with squeeashy puppies under the covers. Man I loves me that dog!
If it does actually snow tonight, I’m thinking I’ll probably need to get the camera out and throw Bailey out in it and start snapping photo’s because if I know that doggeh, it’ll be a photo worthy event.
My mood is improving, I still have really shitty days and that’s just the way it is. We’ll see what the wonders of modern medicine can do for me. So far, I have the WORST cotton mouth ever and I’m a little drowsy, well and I guess I just feel different. So far, in a good, positive way. I am definitely able to focus more at work which is nice (if you don’t count this blogg entry in the middle of my work day LOL) and I feel more able to think things through instead of just immediately reacting.
In news completely unrelated to little old self absorbed me: Crystal is here! TA DAAAAA! Yay. This makes me a very very happy tree fruit. I can’t believe that now, I can drive 30 minutes and there she is! Their new house is just lovely and Crystal is taking a lot of time to set up her nest so that it represents her, Dane and their marriage. Which is quite a lovely thing in and of itself. I’m still REALLY jealous about the chopper thingy, WANT!
P is talking about a visit, I hope that can happy for her. Ok, I want her to come for me more then anything…but I know how this stuff can go. I love my Spicy Wasabi P, especially when she has her Vulcan ears on cuz she’s at her spiciest then. Secretly, I’m hatching a plan to move P and her kiddo out here to so that I’d be surrounded by all my girls and then I’d be in femme fatale heaven!
Seriously, when I think of the women in my life it’s like something you’d see in a sit com or a modern day Charlie’s Angels. That would be scary, all of us as Charlie’s Angels? I’d pity the poor man that got in our way. I get to the cute blonde seductress who uses her seemingly innocent charm to lure them in and then poison them. BUWAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Take that beeetches.
Whoa…what would happen if I managed to get my cousins and Aunties and GramE & Grandpa John here too? Holy crap….NOW I’m thinking huge I know. Oh well, I never said I wasn’t totally selfish. I mean really, some days I wonder how the world even continues to function when I go to sleep at night.
Life kind of plugs along, I’m still getting through the days one at a time and that’s ok. I don’t make a lot of plans or commit to much more then I can do in the foreseeable future. I am enjoying doing things on my own terms and in my own space. My plans for classes and things are on hold for about another month or so and then I can start looking at what interests me. Right now I’m thinking of a Spanish class, a creative writing class (en espanol? No beuno!), an art class of some kind or belly dancing. Oh and puppy training classes with the Mogwai. She’s so smart, it’s a shame not to put all that brilliance to good use.
I speak with Max on Wednesdays and we talk often. I’ll let you know how tomorrow’s talk goes. Last weeks wasn’t so great, he’s being pretty jerky to me and sounds more like his father then I can stomach. But such is the reality of the situation. I still can’t help but feel this isn’t permanent, perhaps that’s my instinct talking to me or maybe I’m just in denial. Who knows.
Peace out for now
Xo
Monday, September 21, 2009
Princess Post
Once up a time, long long ago there was a pretty pretty princess with long blonde hair, lots of freckles and a castle full of energy. She was a happy princess, she loved the world and everyone in it; she was very bouncy and playful. She played with kittens and butterfly’s and flourished for a while. But as time passed, the freckles and energy faded, she encountered a few ogres, kissed a few frogs and her love for the world was challenged.
After the world would hand her another blow, the princess would cry huge drippy tears that distorted her face and reddened her eyes, but she was resilient and always bounced back eventually, usually only after filling up buckets and buckets with her tears. And, she was never ever afraid to let the tears fall, no matter who might see them.
Then one day, after a particularly painful abrasion, the princess found herself unable to cry openly or not at all. Oh the tears made themselves known, that wasn’t the problem. They stung and stabbed at her eyes. They lumped her throat and caused her jaw to tighten. But no matter how they battered her, she was simply unable to allow them to actually fall from her eyes. She would fight them back with all her might, getting angry at the tears for embarrassing her and making her feel vulnerable to whomever might bare witness to them. She would look away as the tears rose and fell in her throat, squeeze her eyes tightly, and remain silent until they passed. It was like she was helpless to will the tears to fall even if she wanted them to.
At first, this was a great puzzle to the princess. She’d never thought herself as emotionally capable of so many of her fellow princesses seemed to be. After all, some of those princesses had really been through the ringer and they didn’t blubber like a baby every time they got a little scratch. She knew she was a soft spirit, sensitive, overly so some might say. But here she was, almost over night, somehow suddenly a much less externally emotional being then she once was. Even if her lip was quivering half the time, a colossal shift had occurred and she felt robotic in nature. This made the sweet princess very anxious because she didn’t want to build up a wall that even she couldn’t climb. Plus, like her beloved hugs, peanut butter and wine; those tears had been her friends for so many years. They’d served her well in the past, cleansed her and allowed her to sleep all those restless nights when the wounds ached loudly.
The princess wondered if it was possible to cry a life time of tears in a few short years. Had she used them all up? Was there a quota and she’d already reached hers? Maybe the gods had frowned on all the self-indulgent water works and cursed her with dry eyes for an eternity? And then, they came. They came in great rivers and floods and waterfalls. They came on a day she would normally be celebrating, but instead she was mourning in great anguish. Her heart burned and begged for relief from all the pain she felt, all that she’d been stuffing down for months. She sobbed until her eyes seared and could not produce even one more tear. After, she slept. She woke up in agony, but at least the tears had finally come to her rescue when she needed them most.
From this, the princess learned that there will be ogres, there will be heart break, the tears will come whether she wants them to or not, there is no shame in this. Like all creatures, great and small, she is still learning and all learning must have a curve. We have to find a way to release the dark to make room for the light. It’s true that the princess is more cautious and tender then she might have once been, but that’s ok because she’s all the stronger from the learning curve. Life has a way of doing that to a girl.
After the world would hand her another blow, the princess would cry huge drippy tears that distorted her face and reddened her eyes, but she was resilient and always bounced back eventually, usually only after filling up buckets and buckets with her tears. And, she was never ever afraid to let the tears fall, no matter who might see them.
Then one day, after a particularly painful abrasion, the princess found herself unable to cry openly or not at all. Oh the tears made themselves known, that wasn’t the problem. They stung and stabbed at her eyes. They lumped her throat and caused her jaw to tighten. But no matter how they battered her, she was simply unable to allow them to actually fall from her eyes. She would fight them back with all her might, getting angry at the tears for embarrassing her and making her feel vulnerable to whomever might bare witness to them. She would look away as the tears rose and fell in her throat, squeeze her eyes tightly, and remain silent until they passed. It was like she was helpless to will the tears to fall even if she wanted them to.
At first, this was a great puzzle to the princess. She’d never thought herself as emotionally capable of so many of her fellow princesses seemed to be. After all, some of those princesses had really been through the ringer and they didn’t blubber like a baby every time they got a little scratch. She knew she was a soft spirit, sensitive, overly so some might say. But here she was, almost over night, somehow suddenly a much less externally emotional being then she once was. Even if her lip was quivering half the time, a colossal shift had occurred and she felt robotic in nature. This made the sweet princess very anxious because she didn’t want to build up a wall that even she couldn’t climb. Plus, like her beloved hugs, peanut butter and wine; those tears had been her friends for so many years. They’d served her well in the past, cleansed her and allowed her to sleep all those restless nights when the wounds ached loudly.
The princess wondered if it was possible to cry a life time of tears in a few short years. Had she used them all up? Was there a quota and she’d already reached hers? Maybe the gods had frowned on all the self-indulgent water works and cursed her with dry eyes for an eternity? And then, they came. They came in great rivers and floods and waterfalls. They came on a day she would normally be celebrating, but instead she was mourning in great anguish. Her heart burned and begged for relief from all the pain she felt, all that she’d been stuffing down for months. She sobbed until her eyes seared and could not produce even one more tear. After, she slept. She woke up in agony, but at least the tears had finally come to her rescue when she needed them most.
From this, the princess learned that there will be ogres, there will be heart break, the tears will come whether she wants them to or not, there is no shame in this. Like all creatures, great and small, she is still learning and all learning must have a curve. We have to find a way to release the dark to make room for the light. It’s true that the princess is more cautious and tender then she might have once been, but that’s ok because she’s all the stronger from the learning curve. Life has a way of doing that to a girl.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Solitary does not equal secluded…..
Naturally, transitional periods bring about new understandings, experiences and processes. This is an understatement really when you consider what these past several years have been like but today I am going to focus on how I am experiencing living on my own for the first time in my life.
Emotional/Physical/Social:
Pro’s
• The decrease in crisis point stress is notable.
• I no longer feel held captive by the moods, behaviors and choices of others.
• I am able to sleep again.
• Every day I am being reminded of how strong and capable I am.
• I feel motivated to pay close attention to my health and general well being for the first time in 5 or 6 years.
• I have more time and able to focus on my own needs, wants interests and desires.
• I have a kind of freedom I have never known, not ever…..I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn exciting.
• I am feeling incredibly supported and loved.
• I have more time and energy to focus on my existing relationships and consider building new ones.
Cons
• I am suddenly “Sarah the Adult w/ no kid @ home” at 33 years old and it’s pretty damn scary (at times.)
• The crisis point stress reduction was definitely the only option for everyone involved, but given the circumstances a new form of anxiety and depression has taken its place.
• This experience has dug up some dark demons from my past.
• It has also sparked some drama between Pam and I, which sucks after all we’ve overcome.
• I have no idea what to do with myself half the time.
• I feel like I am constantly fighting to stay on track, focused, in control.
• My entire life is totally disrupted; I sometimes feel I am still in shock and trying to acclimate to new routines and ways of thinking.
• Some days I feel like I am screwed up beyond repair.
• Some times I feel a little overwhelmed by a couple of people in my life, like they aren’t giving me enough space or respecting the situation enough and I’m not always sure how to communicate that without hurting anyone’s feelings.
• I am having a lot of anxiety about my weight, more then usual.
Environmental:
Pro’s
• The only dishes are my own. The dishwasher is run once per week instead of every other day.
• The only laundry to be done is my own. There is also far less laundry because there is less need for towels, bed linens, etc…
• The garbage can is emptied twice per week versus every day or every other day.
• Everything (bathroom, kitchen, floors, and general surfaces) stays cleaner unless I have people over.
• Noise is kept to a minimum unless I am bumping the music or the animals are talking excessively.
• I don’t have to worry about whether I have clothes on (one of my personal favorites!)
• I love all the physical space, spreading out has its advantages.
• The house is my own, it’s starting to feel like my own little sacred space and I enjoy nurturing that. I am not contending with greasy bike parts, video game chords, baseball caps and other man crap all over the place. If I want to make it a little princess fairy land then I can.
• The animals are considerably calmer in general and I don’t feel I am fighting with someone else to be consistent in training Bailey or working with the cats. Also, Gaia is noticeably less aggressive.
Cons
• Right now, the door to Max’s room stays shut at all times. I’m still not ready to deal with it.
• I like having someone there when I go into the storage areas, there are huge bugs/spiders in there and I am not as trusting after the Brown Recluse incident.
• This hasn’t happened yet, but I know there are going to be days where I feel really lonely and the house is a little too quiet.
• I like the yard work actually, but I wouldn’t mind having someone to help out with that once in a while.
• I occasionally feel like a jerk for living in a 3 bedroom house with just one person. I know people with 5 kids who live in less space then I do. Not to mention the extra few hundred I am paying rent each month versus something smaller.
Economical:
Pro’s
• I am no longer responsible for food, clothing, school supplies/fee’s, sports equipment/fee’s, bike parts, health insurance, allowance, personal items, etc…for another person. The amount I am saving on food alone is ridiculous.
• I spend about 1/4th what I used to on things like toilet paper, paper towels, soap, shampoo/conditioner, dish-soap, dishwasher soap, laundry detergent, fabric softener (Max used to use 5 of them EVERY time he dried his clothes), etc.
• Now, if I can just get 100% caught up from all that car drama this summer we’ll be in better shape.
Cons
• I am no longer head of household and do not have a dependant. That’s going to affect my net worth each month, but I am thinking with everything else it’s going to work out in the wash.
This list does not feel conclusive for me, but I feel I need to stop here. What is probably apparent here is that there’s a large part of me that is enjoying, no….embracing this new “life” and running with it, trying to explore and experience every aspect of it with open arms and chin up.
Then, there are the voices and the old baggage that pop up and like to really cause my feathers to ruffle. Not to mention the situation with Max burning in the back ground at all times. Therapy is helping tremendously, some days it’s a struggle just to get there. Other days I wonder how I got through life this far without her. Max’s birthday was really bad. I barely could get out of bed, sobbed most of the day, had to go home early and had a panic attack in the car. I had an appointment that afternoon with her and I can truthfully say that without that appointment, I may have not made it out of bed the next day.
I can tell you that I am undoubtedly experiencing a change unlike any other before. I have really positive, exciting days. I have really rough, down days. But I’m getting through it and I’m doing ok, mostly. And when I’m not, I call my family or my friends who are like family and cry about it or let people hold me and comfort me.
Bottom line here for anyone wondering….unplanned, unexpected empty nest isn’t for wimps!
Till next time….
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Today, I am reminded of the progress I am making and it’s starting to FEEL like progress.
Today, I am reminded of the many skills I do possess, I just need a little help remember how to use them.
Today, I am reminded that I am intelligent, articulate, capable and a fine communicator.
Today, I am reminded that I must be firm in my boundaries with people once I can truly understand what they are, whether that means they no longer “like” me or not.
Today, I am reminded of all the reasons I am beginning to enjoy living alone. I could easily fill up an entire blog just on this subject.
Today, I am reminded that my connection with the divine has not been lost and that I am loved as much as any other day.
Today, I am reminded that I have not failed. I have experienced.
Today, I am reminded that I will have days where I feel like this and days where I will feel hopeless and sad. That’s ok.
Today, I am reminded of the many skills I do possess, I just need a little help remember how to use them.
Today, I am reminded that I am intelligent, articulate, capable and a fine communicator.
Today, I am reminded that I must be firm in my boundaries with people once I can truly understand what they are, whether that means they no longer “like” me or not.
Today, I am reminded of all the reasons I am beginning to enjoy living alone. I could easily fill up an entire blog just on this subject.
Today, I am reminded that my connection with the divine has not been lost and that I am loved as much as any other day.
Today, I am reminded that I have not failed. I have experienced.
Today, I am reminded that I will have days where I feel like this and days where I will feel hopeless and sad. That’s ok.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Blogg
Clearly my blogg has been a casualty of these recent months of transition. It saddens me to admit that I really have had no interest in writing lately, nor have I had the energy to sit down and hash through all the details as of late, truly it’s just exhausting to think about. There is a definite shift in what I’d prefer to share, how and when to do that, etc…..plus, Facebook has kind of wormed it’s way into my life so my blogg ends up getting ignored while Facebook gets all the love these days. Poor blogg.
So, that said, I am at place of indecision about what to do with my blogg because it’s something I’ve invested a lot of energy and time into and I can’t really see me just scrapping it. No, that definitely cannot happen. It’s been a tool of both documentation and communication and a useful one at that. I like going back and reading through previous entries, I like the process of journaling where I’m at and what I am learning about, I like it all…it’s just that lately I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing much of anything other then what is absolutely required of me. You know how that goes…this stretch has lasted several months, but I’m now seeing that I must continue to explore that which is positive, enlightening, uplifting and encouraging. Writing are all of those things and more. Now it’s a matter of trying to decide where to go with it next, which one could easily argue is what my whole life is about at the moment. There is always the possibility that I may go more private with it, which I think is a very plausible option…we’ll see. That or I may have to reconsider some of my own personal blogging policies thus far….
For now, I think I will just make some random notes and see where that takes us….
- I am feeling some irritation today. A little consumed by others, which is mostly my own fault for allowing it to go on in the first place. Those old boundary issues creeping up on me again, as usual.
- Looking forward to going home tonight and playing w/ my Bailey Boo Boo. She nommed my pillow again this morning and made me laugh. She’s definitely my saving grace most days. Getting another puppy/friend for her AND I is still a pretty big consideration for the spring of 2010. She is lonely I think, big time.
- It’s interesting how time can change people. For some people, it seems to cause really good, positive changes….I am not convinced I’m one of those people yet.
- yawn….more tomorrow. Or sometime soon….I am pretty non committal these days.
So, that said, I am at place of indecision about what to do with my blogg because it’s something I’ve invested a lot of energy and time into and I can’t really see me just scrapping it. No, that definitely cannot happen. It’s been a tool of both documentation and communication and a useful one at that. I like going back and reading through previous entries, I like the process of journaling where I’m at and what I am learning about, I like it all…it’s just that lately I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing much of anything other then what is absolutely required of me. You know how that goes…this stretch has lasted several months, but I’m now seeing that I must continue to explore that which is positive, enlightening, uplifting and encouraging. Writing are all of those things and more. Now it’s a matter of trying to decide where to go with it next, which one could easily argue is what my whole life is about at the moment. There is always the possibility that I may go more private with it, which I think is a very plausible option…we’ll see. That or I may have to reconsider some of my own personal blogging policies thus far….
For now, I think I will just make some random notes and see where that takes us….
- I am feeling some irritation today. A little consumed by others, which is mostly my own fault for allowing it to go on in the first place. Those old boundary issues creeping up on me again, as usual.
- Looking forward to going home tonight and playing w/ my Bailey Boo Boo. She nommed my pillow again this morning and made me laugh. She’s definitely my saving grace most days. Getting another puppy/friend for her AND I is still a pretty big consideration for the spring of 2010. She is lonely I think, big time.
- It’s interesting how time can change people. For some people, it seems to cause really good, positive changes….I am not convinced I’m one of those people yet.
- yawn….more tomorrow. Or sometime soon….I am pretty non committal these days.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Summer That Did Not Relent....Or Forgive - Part 2 - Cat Chaos
Next, we shall discuss the current state of cat chaos that seems to permeate my existence. We’ll start with Pumpkin because she often ranks simultaneously as “the most amazing cat that ever lived” and “the most annoying cat that ever lived.” Awwww, poor Pumpkin kitty.
The spring and early summer were kind to Pumpkin. She truly seemed as healthy and happy as anyone could possibly expect for a 20 year old feline and I was pleased to see she hadn’t had a seizure in several months. She was even beginning to take those tentative first steps outside to explore her new surroundings. Then the seizure came and it was a bad one. I sat there with her, hoping this wouldn’t be how she finally does make her way to kitty heaven and thankfully it did not. But she was acting very strange, which prompted all those horrible thoughts I always face when she has a seizure. Is she suffering? Is it time for me to help her move on? I am of the opinion that she’s on her 9th life at this point, so I doubt she’ll be back to visit me which makes me sad. It’s all very complex and confusing as any of you who have cats know. I believe that next to loosing a human we love, loosing our companion animals can be just as devastating.
As if the anxiety of how to manage an ailing cat isn’t hard enough, it turns out, Pumpkin had other, far more interesting plans for me. Apparently, she didn’t intend on waiting around me for me to figure out what to do next. She took actions into her own paws and up and disappeared on me one Sunday. At first, this was no real cause for alarm. Cats aren’t like dogs; they aren’t super glued to your side at all times. They wander and crawl under beds and jump up into cabinets, they are curious and independent by nature. Qualities I’ve long admired and appreciated. So, naturally I’m not going to flip out if she’s not sitting in her normal spot some random night.
But the next morning, she still wasn’t in her room, sleeping where she normally sleeps and this DID get my attention. So I called for her, put her breakfast out and tried to ignore the worried voices getting louder in my head. By the time I got home and saw that her food was untouched the most horrible feeling of dread came over me. I spent hours calling her, searching every nook and cranny in the house, every nook and cranny SURROUNDING the house and then began the mostly depressing, but still hopeful process of posting/searching Craigslist and other online sites for lost/found pets. The online search went on well into the late evening and I really don’t want to relive the thoughts racing through my mind because all I could think about was what could’ve happened to her and I pretty much lost it. Trying to sleep was pointless.
By Tuesday morning, I’d settled into a pretty nasty dark place. Feeling like a total failure to her. How could I let this happen to Pumpkin who’s been such a good friend to me? If she did crawl off to die somewhere, why didn’t I do something sooner? I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the worst days I can remember. I didn’t expect it all to hit me so hard. I always thought when Pumpkin’s time came, that I would handle it well because she’d had such a long, happy life. But given the circumstances, my heart felt broken. Like I’d really let her down and I would have no closure with her, like so many things in my life, she was gone. Just like that. I was convinced I should never be allowed to bring another cat, dog, hamster, fish, reptile, plant or human child into my house ever again because my track record recently has been sub par. Kasha, Pumpkin, Jessie…sigh. These thoughts are part of what prompted me to go back to therapy FYI, I decided that I have to go every week until I learn to stop hating myself when I have a perceived failure and start loving myself again so I can stop whining about it all and move on. More on that later…
I should also note that I was not the only one who was distraught over Pumpkin’s disappearance. It seemed to have affected a lot of people in my life because naturally I was stressed out and called unto my friends for support. I really appreciated how empathetic everyone was.
Tuesday evening I had previous arrangements with my mom to meet up so I could get her desktop that I’d promised to reformat and re-install the OS AND I had dinner plans with an acquaintance I’d already cancelled on 2 different times in the past 2 months and I just couldn’t do it again. Not even I am that flakey. So even though I had zero energy and couldn’t seem to get through a sentence without crying, I went through with my plans and it was a good thing because if nothing else, it got me out of the house and gave my heart a reprieve from the overwhelming sadness.
Around 10:30 that evening after dinner was over and I had 2 large glasses of red wine to anestitihize the whole situation, I opened my front door and the porch light caught the unmistakable reflection of laser eyes in the back French door window. At first I thought it might be Gaia’s, but there was no shadowy figure, no bulk to indicate that it was Gaia’s form. Plus, Gaia was sitting on the counter in the kitchen flicking her tail and looking annoyed that I’d interrupted her nap. So I opened the back door and Pumpkin attempted to leap onto my shoulder (she is a parrot cat after all) and narrowly missed my face with back claws as I managed to get the situation under control. I cried, scolded her severely and then cried some more. My dinner companion was in total shock - he was of the opinion that “it’s just a cat and why are you so upset?” to which I glared at him (asshole, how could he NOT understand how mortified I was that my childhood cat had disappeared without a trace? Men are so insensitive some times, gar!) and mumbled something like “not to me she’s not” – at the whole unfolding scene and suddenly seemed as thrilled as I was to see Pumpkin. Apparently, happiness and joy are infectious. Ha, I could’ve told HIM that but that’s a whole other story all together that does not result in happily ever after so I’ll skip it.
After inspecting Pumpkin for any obvious injuries, she was promptly bathed. There was Vaseline like substance all down her spine, starting from the top of her head to the first section of her tail. It was disgusting and it looked like maybe she did the elevator-butt thing on something and ended up with a nasty slick of Vaseline on her which had accumulated some gross stuff from the time it initially occurred. The bathing process was humiliating for her (which I kept reminding her that she probably deserved for doing that to me in the first place) and a little frustrating for me because she is so fragile that it’s hard to give her a bath without worrying about hurting her. Her howling like she was being tortured and trying to scratch my eyes out with her non existent front claws didn’t help either. I wish I’d gotten a picture of her all wet and looking like something a much larger cat had just vomited up, but she took off for her room and went under the bed and stayed there for a solid 2 days, coming out for only food, water and kitty box visits.
Once I shared the news that Pumpkin was back, I ended up having to scold her on the behalf of all the other people in our lives who were worried about her. She didn’t really seem to care, but I let her have it on account of every single one
I still am not sure why I just automatically assumed that Pumpkin had disappeared and left me without me getting a chance to stay goodbye, but that’s exactly what it felt like, no matter which way I tried to rationalize it internally. I know this probably sounds like pretty hysterical thinking (and obviously a strong motivator for therapy because it’s totally jumping to conclusions and then preparing myself for the worst) but I had this really strong feeling that she probably wouldn’t be making it back and so I think I was preparing myself for her not to return. I do that. With the people in my life all the time, if there is a conflict or I am frustrated with them and I feel I can’t approach them directly. I begin the process of writing them off internally and emotionally so I don’t end up feeling humiliated or crying. This is a new behavior, new as in the last 3 years or so. Clearly this is s a combination of being more protective of my heart – because say it with me now “If I don’t do it, WHO will?” – and just trying to avoid frustrating, unesisary pain. The problem with this behavior is that a) It’s not really effective: pain is pain no matter how much you try to rationalize it into something else; b) It actually makes the problem worse because it only really serves as a medium to stuff my feelings down and not deal with them either directly with the person or, if that’s not possible, internally within myself, i.e.…no real closure is occurs; c) I can’t always control if my cat runs away and dies or if someone in my life isn’t treating me in way I can appreciate. So, anyway….I learned a lot from this experience with Pumpkin. For some reason, it became a red flag to me that left unmanaged, my reactions and emotional state of mind when things feel scary or threatening could absolutely result in a life of depression and struggle and I just can’t resign myself to that. It’s not even just about me, it’s about the people in my life who care for me and rely on me. Besides, I don’t want to be someone who adds yet another layer of doom and gloom to an already turbulent world.
Moving on…….
Pumpkin is hanging in there. I took her to the vet (that I could afford, car problems have made my life difficult financially) and they did a quick check on her to make sure there was nothing obvious. The seizures are going to be an issue, it really is only a matter of time…but for now, crisis averted with her. I realize this should be a sign that perhaps I do need to address my fears about not having done enough for her and look at the big picture. As you all know, that’s easier then it sounds. I’m still in crisis management mode on that subject until I can figure out what to do.
So, then I stupidly allowed myself to bring a new kitten home against my better judgment. She is insanely adorable and I thought it might be fun to bring a young kitten into the mix. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this because it only lasted a week and I feel ok about the ultimate turn out…basically these kittens were to young to be adopted out, both their human mom AND their feline mom/siblings were having fits without each other. She would howl all night and it was beyond obvious that she missed her littermates. Then, there was the issue of Bailey thinking the new kitten was a toy and wanting to “play“ with her 24/7, meanwhile Gaia remained on the slightly annoyed but indifferent end and Pumpkin…well Pumpkin hates everyone except me, so that’s just the way it is. Sending the new kitten back to the human momma caused some drama, but it got worked out and I know it was the right decision for everyone. I will say this; Bailey is an amazing dog over all when it comes to cats. We also learned how quickly Bailey can learn with a little squirt of the squirt bottle.
Gaia is fine, she spends a lot of time hanging out in the back yard and surrounding areas. I’m not thrilled about the idea of her being outside during the days, but it’s clear to me that she is a much happier cat and it doesn’t seem she strays to far from the immediate area. Actually, 9 times out of 10, she is sitting on the back patio furniture sleeping the day away or watching the world go by. I have some super cute pics to post of her and Bailey playing in the back yard which I can assure is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen her do. Gaia is not the “cute” variety of cat. Gaia is sexy and serious and otherworldly. To see her frolicking with Bailey in the back yard is always reason to stop everything I am doing and watch because it’s a rare treat to see her go to some silly side of herself. I will also say that her being outside seems to have really brought out a beauty in her, her coat is stunning, her eyes seem greener then ever and she’s lost some weight. She is serving as a good reminder to me that being a sedentary house cat is not the only lot in life, there’s much to be discovered out there while the option still exists.
Cats teach us so much, don’t they?
The spring and early summer were kind to Pumpkin. She truly seemed as healthy and happy as anyone could possibly expect for a 20 year old feline and I was pleased to see she hadn’t had a seizure in several months. She was even beginning to take those tentative first steps outside to explore her new surroundings. Then the seizure came and it was a bad one. I sat there with her, hoping this wouldn’t be how she finally does make her way to kitty heaven and thankfully it did not. But she was acting very strange, which prompted all those horrible thoughts I always face when she has a seizure. Is she suffering? Is it time for me to help her move on? I am of the opinion that she’s on her 9th life at this point, so I doubt she’ll be back to visit me which makes me sad. It’s all very complex and confusing as any of you who have cats know. I believe that next to loosing a human we love, loosing our companion animals can be just as devastating.
As if the anxiety of how to manage an ailing cat isn’t hard enough, it turns out, Pumpkin had other, far more interesting plans for me. Apparently, she didn’t intend on waiting around me for me to figure out what to do next. She took actions into her own paws and up and disappeared on me one Sunday. At first, this was no real cause for alarm. Cats aren’t like dogs; they aren’t super glued to your side at all times. They wander and crawl under beds and jump up into cabinets, they are curious and independent by nature. Qualities I’ve long admired and appreciated. So, naturally I’m not going to flip out if she’s not sitting in her normal spot some random night.
But the next morning, she still wasn’t in her room, sleeping where she normally sleeps and this DID get my attention. So I called for her, put her breakfast out and tried to ignore the worried voices getting louder in my head. By the time I got home and saw that her food was untouched the most horrible feeling of dread came over me. I spent hours calling her, searching every nook and cranny in the house, every nook and cranny SURROUNDING the house and then began the mostly depressing, but still hopeful process of posting/searching Craigslist and other online sites for lost/found pets. The online search went on well into the late evening and I really don’t want to relive the thoughts racing through my mind because all I could think about was what could’ve happened to her and I pretty much lost it. Trying to sleep was pointless.
By Tuesday morning, I’d settled into a pretty nasty dark place. Feeling like a total failure to her. How could I let this happen to Pumpkin who’s been such a good friend to me? If she did crawl off to die somewhere, why didn’t I do something sooner? I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the worst days I can remember. I didn’t expect it all to hit me so hard. I always thought when Pumpkin’s time came, that I would handle it well because she’d had such a long, happy life. But given the circumstances, my heart felt broken. Like I’d really let her down and I would have no closure with her, like so many things in my life, she was gone. Just like that. I was convinced I should never be allowed to bring another cat, dog, hamster, fish, reptile, plant or human child into my house ever again because my track record recently has been sub par. Kasha, Pumpkin, Jessie…sigh. These thoughts are part of what prompted me to go back to therapy FYI, I decided that I have to go every week until I learn to stop hating myself when I have a perceived failure and start loving myself again so I can stop whining about it all and move on. More on that later…
I should also note that I was not the only one who was distraught over Pumpkin’s disappearance. It seemed to have affected a lot of people in my life because naturally I was stressed out and called unto my friends for support. I really appreciated how empathetic everyone was.
Tuesday evening I had previous arrangements with my mom to meet up so I could get her desktop that I’d promised to reformat and re-install the OS AND I had dinner plans with an acquaintance I’d already cancelled on 2 different times in the past 2 months and I just couldn’t do it again. Not even I am that flakey. So even though I had zero energy and couldn’t seem to get through a sentence without crying, I went through with my plans and it was a good thing because if nothing else, it got me out of the house and gave my heart a reprieve from the overwhelming sadness.
Around 10:30 that evening after dinner was over and I had 2 large glasses of red wine to anestitihize the whole situation, I opened my front door and the porch light caught the unmistakable reflection of laser eyes in the back French door window. At first I thought it might be Gaia’s, but there was no shadowy figure, no bulk to indicate that it was Gaia’s form. Plus, Gaia was sitting on the counter in the kitchen flicking her tail and looking annoyed that I’d interrupted her nap. So I opened the back door and Pumpkin attempted to leap onto my shoulder (she is a parrot cat after all) and narrowly missed my face with back claws as I managed to get the situation under control. I cried, scolded her severely and then cried some more. My dinner companion was in total shock - he was of the opinion that “it’s just a cat and why are you so upset?” to which I glared at him (asshole, how could he NOT understand how mortified I was that my childhood cat had disappeared without a trace? Men are so insensitive some times, gar!) and mumbled something like “not to me she’s not” – at the whole unfolding scene and suddenly seemed as thrilled as I was to see Pumpkin. Apparently, happiness and joy are infectious. Ha, I could’ve told HIM that but that’s a whole other story all together that does not result in happily ever after so I’ll skip it.
After inspecting Pumpkin for any obvious injuries, she was promptly bathed. There was Vaseline like substance all down her spine, starting from the top of her head to the first section of her tail. It was disgusting and it looked like maybe she did the elevator-butt thing on something and ended up with a nasty slick of Vaseline on her which had accumulated some gross stuff from the time it initially occurred. The bathing process was humiliating for her (which I kept reminding her that she probably deserved for doing that to me in the first place) and a little frustrating for me because she is so fragile that it’s hard to give her a bath without worrying about hurting her. Her howling like she was being tortured and trying to scratch my eyes out with her non existent front claws didn’t help either. I wish I’d gotten a picture of her all wet and looking like something a much larger cat had just vomited up, but she took off for her room and went under the bed and stayed there for a solid 2 days, coming out for only food, water and kitty box visits.
Once I shared the news that Pumpkin was back, I ended up having to scold her on the behalf of all the other people in our lives who were worried about her. She didn’t really seem to care, but I let her have it on account of every single one
I still am not sure why I just automatically assumed that Pumpkin had disappeared and left me without me getting a chance to stay goodbye, but that’s exactly what it felt like, no matter which way I tried to rationalize it internally. I know this probably sounds like pretty hysterical thinking (and obviously a strong motivator for therapy because it’s totally jumping to conclusions and then preparing myself for the worst) but I had this really strong feeling that she probably wouldn’t be making it back and so I think I was preparing myself for her not to return. I do that. With the people in my life all the time, if there is a conflict or I am frustrated with them and I feel I can’t approach them directly. I begin the process of writing them off internally and emotionally so I don’t end up feeling humiliated or crying. This is a new behavior, new as in the last 3 years or so. Clearly this is s a combination of being more protective of my heart – because say it with me now “If I don’t do it, WHO will?” – and just trying to avoid frustrating, unesisary pain. The problem with this behavior is that a) It’s not really effective: pain is pain no matter how much you try to rationalize it into something else; b) It actually makes the problem worse because it only really serves as a medium to stuff my feelings down and not deal with them either directly with the person or, if that’s not possible, internally within myself, i.e.…no real closure is occurs; c) I can’t always control if my cat runs away and dies or if someone in my life isn’t treating me in way I can appreciate. So, anyway….I learned a lot from this experience with Pumpkin. For some reason, it became a red flag to me that left unmanaged, my reactions and emotional state of mind when things feel scary or threatening could absolutely result in a life of depression and struggle and I just can’t resign myself to that. It’s not even just about me, it’s about the people in my life who care for me and rely on me. Besides, I don’t want to be someone who adds yet another layer of doom and gloom to an already turbulent world.
Moving on…….
Pumpkin is hanging in there. I took her to the vet (that I could afford, car problems have made my life difficult financially) and they did a quick check on her to make sure there was nothing obvious. The seizures are going to be an issue, it really is only a matter of time…but for now, crisis averted with her. I realize this should be a sign that perhaps I do need to address my fears about not having done enough for her and look at the big picture. As you all know, that’s easier then it sounds. I’m still in crisis management mode on that subject until I can figure out what to do.
So, then I stupidly allowed myself to bring a new kitten home against my better judgment. She is insanely adorable and I thought it might be fun to bring a young kitten into the mix. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this because it only lasted a week and I feel ok about the ultimate turn out…basically these kittens were to young to be adopted out, both their human mom AND their feline mom/siblings were having fits without each other. She would howl all night and it was beyond obvious that she missed her littermates. Then, there was the issue of Bailey thinking the new kitten was a toy and wanting to “play“ with her 24/7, meanwhile Gaia remained on the slightly annoyed but indifferent end and Pumpkin…well Pumpkin hates everyone except me, so that’s just the way it is. Sending the new kitten back to the human momma caused some drama, but it got worked out and I know it was the right decision for everyone. I will say this; Bailey is an amazing dog over all when it comes to cats. We also learned how quickly Bailey can learn with a little squirt of the squirt bottle.
Gaia is fine, she spends a lot of time hanging out in the back yard and surrounding areas. I’m not thrilled about the idea of her being outside during the days, but it’s clear to me that she is a much happier cat and it doesn’t seem she strays to far from the immediate area. Actually, 9 times out of 10, she is sitting on the back patio furniture sleeping the day away or watching the world go by. I have some super cute pics to post of her and Bailey playing in the back yard which I can assure is about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen her do. Gaia is not the “cute” variety of cat. Gaia is sexy and serious and otherworldly. To see her frolicking with Bailey in the back yard is always reason to stop everything I am doing and watch because it’s a rare treat to see her go to some silly side of herself. I will also say that her being outside seems to have really brought out a beauty in her, her coat is stunning, her eyes seem greener then ever and she’s lost some weight. She is serving as a good reminder to me that being a sedentary house cat is not the only lot in life, there’s much to be discovered out there while the option still exists.
Cats teach us so much, don’t they?
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Summer That Did Not Relent....Or Forgive - Part 1 - Bailey Rae
I know I’ve sort of disappeared of the blogsphere in recent months; it’s not for lack of content or commitment to documenting. More like lack of energy, motivation, drive…take your pick. To get up to speed, I’m going to start at the beginning, see where that takes us and extrapolate accordingly.
Bailey Rae (aka: Bailey Boo Boo)
We can start with Bailey Rae because she became the center of my universe immediately and remains a fairly prominent aspect of my daily existence; she is the one thing that can bring me from Craptastic to Fantastic in a matter of moments. How Bailey came to me is a long story, but I want to make it clear that I did not buy her from a breeder. It was friend of a former co-worker type of situation, one of those opportunities you just can’t pass up and I was lucky enough to only have to pay for the items that came with her (food, small crate and blankets), her spay and shots. I need to clarify this because I am firm opponent to many of the breeding practices incorporated by many pug breeders and vowed I would never buy one, thus the reason I thought I’d never in the world actually get to have one, let alone a puppy. Not all dog breeders are the greedy, neglectful, dishonest slime balls you see on television and I know that, but my issue was always, how do I REALLY know? You don’t, you have to take their word for it and that’s just not enough for me. Besides, there are so many animals that need adopting; I truly never thought I’d end up doing it any other way then researching adoption options at Table Mountain Animal Rescue. So, you can imagine my excitement when she did fall into my lap unexpectedly and such a way that I felt comfortable going forward with it.
This is not to say I didn’t agonize about the decision to bring Bailey into my home. I did (and still do) have some residual guilt about Kasha. I know sending Kasha off to live in rescue until she could be adopted out was the best thing for all of us; she truly was such a disruptive source in my home that her very presence was overwhelming and I sometimes dreaded coming home. Let me also remind my readers (because this is what I do to make myself feel better) that I did not choose that dog and in not doing so, I subjected myself to the trauma of having to clean up that mess as well. I felt (and still feel) that Kasha’s presence in my life was much like C’s presence in my life, disruptive and traumatic and nothing I did could remedy it, no matter how much I tried because I was dealing with a being that was damaged in ways my love could not repair. So when Bailey came along, I was very frightened and resisted it a first. What if I can’t take good care of her? Can I afford this? What about Pumpkin and Gaia? What if I screw this up to? What if I’m just being impulsive and leaping before looking long enough, etc..etc…I tried really hard to talk myself out of it and even when I said “Ok sister, you won’t know unless you give it a shot and you’ve wanted this a long long long time and the Universe responded so suck it up” and I got her home, I STILL spent the first week or so simultaneously in love and freaking the frick out!
Let’s just say, I’m happy that I took that chance. Not ALL “chances“ are scary things I’m finding, especially when the decisions are made with clear minds and outside the rose colored glass. This particular adventure has thus far, been one of my favorites. Bailey truly is one of the sweetest companion animals I’ve ever shared a space with. She’s surprisingly mellow for a puppy (I think) and has this general “hey it’s cool as long as your playing with me” kind of attitude. The fact that she might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen helps too. And the puppy breath and curly little pig tail and “rarrooooooooooooo” when she yawns oh and the puppy head tilt thing? That never ever gets old, not ever.
I will also say that with all of the rewards, having my very first pug puppy has also been an experience in patience. She potty trained remarkably well, partly I’m sure this is due the fact that she was 4 months when I got her and her previous momma did a lot of the work. Her bday is Feb 19th btw. That said, the first 2 weeks were still pretty much all about her. I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I think there is such a thing as being overly attentive. The crate training went really well, but I couldn’t commit to driving at home for lunch every single day forever so we began working what I call the “doggy jail” which is something like this:
http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3510034
What’s great about this is that the one I have is adjustable in size so I can create a space for her that is as small as a crate/kennel or as big as an apartment sized patio. It travels really well if I want to take her with me somewhere and set it up if we are going to be there for a while, it’s washable, pretty much the perfect thing and it was a left over from Kasha so I didn’t have to buy anything. This basically replaced the crate/kennel training and works perfectly because she can be contained during the day while I am gone, yet she has the freedom to move around in a fairly decent sized space and if she does have an accident…well it’s in the kitchen so it’s not the end of the world. She has had one in the entire time she’s been in there and that was due to a little too much wet food/treats the night before…otherwise she somehow manages to hold it all day while I’m at work. I joke w/ her that she’s got the bladder of a grown man inside that little body…she just licks my face when I say that.
I’ve been told to avoid any other type of training until they are 6 months because pugs are notably intelligent, but they have to grow up a tad before you can really train them efficiently. I don’t think I can wait that long for the basics tho, which would be “leave it” and “down.” Leave it will address an array of issues, in particular the nipping and when she’s feeling really feisty running off with my slipper or clamping down on my pajama bottoms and refusing to let go unless I pry her little jaws open…oh and um, puppy teeth? Let’s all say it together “OW.” Yep, they are like little razors and I think she knows JUST how much pressure to apply to really make it hurt if she’s mad at me. Now, because she weighs all of 8 lbs (maybe) it’s fairly simple to manage her – as in remove her from the situation – but I still don’t want her nipping…so the “leave it” will help with that. “Down” because I need her to not jump on the cats or people, again because of her size some of that behavior can be easily forgiven. It’s not like it hurts when she jumps on you, but it still needs to be addressed.
I’m working with what is known as “clicker training” and it’s quite effective in getting her attention for very short periods of time, though I’ll admit that Bailey gets her fair share of treats around my house. Puppies are excellent vacuum cleaners in the kitchen when cooking, so I don’t discourage her from being in there while I’m cooking. But I am trying to teach her to not sit there and stare at me while I’m eating b/c that IS annoying….who wants to be stared down while they are finishing off half a gallon of ice cream? I mean, cripes, I feel guilty enough as it is!
One difficulty I face in training her is that she’s so damn cute. Some of the stuff she shouldn’t be doing (like running off with my slippers or sandals or trying to eat my shoe laces or taking off with a guests flip flop should it be sitting under the patio furniture, things like that) is really hilarious. It’s a lot like toddlers, sometimes it’s impossible to cover the laughter while you are disciplining them and therefore, the discipline isn’t very effective because the puppy can absolutely gauge how serious you are about it all. Oh that’s the other thing, this dog is absolutely 100% attuned to my mood at all times. She’s no fool, she knows when I’m being serious and when mom is serious she usually listens. So, like all things in life, I am learning how choose my battles with her and if I am laughing my ass off and trying to tell her “no” at the same time….it might be wise to re-examine how important the situation really is. Plus, puppies chew on stuff….the world is their oyster for nom-ming and I do my best to make sure she has plenty to nom on (looks like a puppy child care center in my house) but sometimes, she just wants to nom on something different…like my hand or toes.
Puppy proofing was and is an adventure. Puppies will find whatever you did think of plus everything you didn’t. I can’t even tell you the weird stuff I find in her mouth and she’s hip to my game, she knows when she’s chewing on something of question when I come after her because she runs away…which then becomes a game. Oh? Mommy is chasing me…wooo hoooo wweeeeeeeeeeee, come get me mommy! I’ve pulled out some disgusting stuff out of her mouth….another toddler similaritie. Essentially, it is very much like having a human 12 month old baby in your house.
Over all, she has brought nothing but joy to my life. In between the moments when I want to chuck her out the back door and the occasional nipping that went a little too far, she truly is the best part of my day. I love when I come home; her little curly tail wiggles so much she almost knocks herself over. All the little sounds she makes, the stubborn-ness, her relentless curiosity, the chorus of “awwwwwwwwww” when I take her out in public (which can be difficult when I’m trying to get her some exercise cuz she loves EVERYONE and everyone loves her) and our routines when we wake up and go to sleep at night (she sleeps w/ me of course) are some of the most memorable thus far. Much like our human children, our furbabies become beings you create memories with and I know Bailey will be a big part of my life for as long as I’m lucky to have her. She is my best friend and I can honestly say that when I was in the midst of the funk (more on that later) I wanted nothing but to be with her, she played a pivotal role in getting me out of it and I appreciate that.
Memorable moments:
- One morning, I woke up around 6:30 am, opened my eyes and there she was…maybe 3 inches from my face very quietly and gently nom-ming the corner of my pillow. She noticed that I’d woken up and her big huge bubble eyes looked up at me and her little tail began to wiggle slowly. I almost cried it was so sweet.
- Various trips to the vet for ingesting plastic arm men. Good times.
- The first time I caught Bailey and Gaia playing together, Gaia was totally busted and she knew it.
- The night I’d taken her out twice and she pooed both times and STILL had an accident on my bed in the middle of the night. This is when we learned that puppies don’t really need wet food, it’s not all that good for them anyway and now it’s only a treat on the weekends.
- The night we had the tornado and she was terrified, keeping her calm helped me to stay calm.
- The night she was breathing funny and I sat up with her all night freaking out.
- Her playing with her furbaby cousins (she goes bat shit around other dogs, in the best way possible)
- Teaching her to go up and down the “stairs” we’d made for her from my bed to the floor.
There are tons more and there will be tons more if I am lucky, more on her to come.
Bailey Rae (aka: Bailey Boo Boo)
We can start with Bailey Rae because she became the center of my universe immediately and remains a fairly prominent aspect of my daily existence; she is the one thing that can bring me from Craptastic to Fantastic in a matter of moments. How Bailey came to me is a long story, but I want to make it clear that I did not buy her from a breeder. It was friend of a former co-worker type of situation, one of those opportunities you just can’t pass up and I was lucky enough to only have to pay for the items that came with her (food, small crate and blankets), her spay and shots. I need to clarify this because I am firm opponent to many of the breeding practices incorporated by many pug breeders and vowed I would never buy one, thus the reason I thought I’d never in the world actually get to have one, let alone a puppy. Not all dog breeders are the greedy, neglectful, dishonest slime balls you see on television and I know that, but my issue was always, how do I REALLY know? You don’t, you have to take their word for it and that’s just not enough for me. Besides, there are so many animals that need adopting; I truly never thought I’d end up doing it any other way then researching adoption options at Table Mountain Animal Rescue. So, you can imagine my excitement when she did fall into my lap unexpectedly and such a way that I felt comfortable going forward with it.
This is not to say I didn’t agonize about the decision to bring Bailey into my home. I did (and still do) have some residual guilt about Kasha. I know sending Kasha off to live in rescue until she could be adopted out was the best thing for all of us; she truly was such a disruptive source in my home that her very presence was overwhelming and I sometimes dreaded coming home. Let me also remind my readers (because this is what I do to make myself feel better) that I did not choose that dog and in not doing so, I subjected myself to the trauma of having to clean up that mess as well. I felt (and still feel) that Kasha’s presence in my life was much like C’s presence in my life, disruptive and traumatic and nothing I did could remedy it, no matter how much I tried because I was dealing with a being that was damaged in ways my love could not repair. So when Bailey came along, I was very frightened and resisted it a first. What if I can’t take good care of her? Can I afford this? What about Pumpkin and Gaia? What if I screw this up to? What if I’m just being impulsive and leaping before looking long enough, etc..etc…I tried really hard to talk myself out of it and even when I said “Ok sister, you won’t know unless you give it a shot and you’ve wanted this a long long long time and the Universe responded so suck it up” and I got her home, I STILL spent the first week or so simultaneously in love and freaking the frick out!
Let’s just say, I’m happy that I took that chance. Not ALL “chances“ are scary things I’m finding, especially when the decisions are made with clear minds and outside the rose colored glass. This particular adventure has thus far, been one of my favorites. Bailey truly is one of the sweetest companion animals I’ve ever shared a space with. She’s surprisingly mellow for a puppy (I think) and has this general “hey it’s cool as long as your playing with me” kind of attitude. The fact that she might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen helps too. And the puppy breath and curly little pig tail and “rarrooooooooooooo” when she yawns oh and the puppy head tilt thing? That never ever gets old, not ever.
I will also say that with all of the rewards, having my very first pug puppy has also been an experience in patience. She potty trained remarkably well, partly I’m sure this is due the fact that she was 4 months when I got her and her previous momma did a lot of the work. Her bday is Feb 19th btw. That said, the first 2 weeks were still pretty much all about her. I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I think there is such a thing as being overly attentive. The crate training went really well, but I couldn’t commit to driving at home for lunch every single day forever so we began working what I call the “doggy jail” which is something like this:
http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3510034
What’s great about this is that the one I have is adjustable in size so I can create a space for her that is as small as a crate/kennel or as big as an apartment sized patio. It travels really well if I want to take her with me somewhere and set it up if we are going to be there for a while, it’s washable, pretty much the perfect thing and it was a left over from Kasha so I didn’t have to buy anything. This basically replaced the crate/kennel training and works perfectly because she can be contained during the day while I am gone, yet she has the freedom to move around in a fairly decent sized space and if she does have an accident…well it’s in the kitchen so it’s not the end of the world. She has had one in the entire time she’s been in there and that was due to a little too much wet food/treats the night before…otherwise she somehow manages to hold it all day while I’m at work. I joke w/ her that she’s got the bladder of a grown man inside that little body…she just licks my face when I say that.
I’ve been told to avoid any other type of training until they are 6 months because pugs are notably intelligent, but they have to grow up a tad before you can really train them efficiently. I don’t think I can wait that long for the basics tho, which would be “leave it” and “down.” Leave it will address an array of issues, in particular the nipping and when she’s feeling really feisty running off with my slipper or clamping down on my pajama bottoms and refusing to let go unless I pry her little jaws open…oh and um, puppy teeth? Let’s all say it together “OW.” Yep, they are like little razors and I think she knows JUST how much pressure to apply to really make it hurt if she’s mad at me. Now, because she weighs all of 8 lbs (maybe) it’s fairly simple to manage her – as in remove her from the situation – but I still don’t want her nipping…so the “leave it” will help with that. “Down” because I need her to not jump on the cats or people, again because of her size some of that behavior can be easily forgiven. It’s not like it hurts when she jumps on you, but it still needs to be addressed.
I’m working with what is known as “clicker training” and it’s quite effective in getting her attention for very short periods of time, though I’ll admit that Bailey gets her fair share of treats around my house. Puppies are excellent vacuum cleaners in the kitchen when cooking, so I don’t discourage her from being in there while I’m cooking. But I am trying to teach her to not sit there and stare at me while I’m eating b/c that IS annoying….who wants to be stared down while they are finishing off half a gallon of ice cream? I mean, cripes, I feel guilty enough as it is!
One difficulty I face in training her is that she’s so damn cute. Some of the stuff she shouldn’t be doing (like running off with my slippers or sandals or trying to eat my shoe laces or taking off with a guests flip flop should it be sitting under the patio furniture, things like that) is really hilarious. It’s a lot like toddlers, sometimes it’s impossible to cover the laughter while you are disciplining them and therefore, the discipline isn’t very effective because the puppy can absolutely gauge how serious you are about it all. Oh that’s the other thing, this dog is absolutely 100% attuned to my mood at all times. She’s no fool, she knows when I’m being serious and when mom is serious she usually listens. So, like all things in life, I am learning how choose my battles with her and if I am laughing my ass off and trying to tell her “no” at the same time….it might be wise to re-examine how important the situation really is. Plus, puppies chew on stuff….the world is their oyster for nom-ming and I do my best to make sure she has plenty to nom on (looks like a puppy child care center in my house) but sometimes, she just wants to nom on something different…like my hand or toes.
Puppy proofing was and is an adventure. Puppies will find whatever you did think of plus everything you didn’t. I can’t even tell you the weird stuff I find in her mouth and she’s hip to my game, she knows when she’s chewing on something of question when I come after her because she runs away…which then becomes a game. Oh? Mommy is chasing me…wooo hoooo wweeeeeeeeeeee, come get me mommy! I’ve pulled out some disgusting stuff out of her mouth….another toddler similaritie. Essentially, it is very much like having a human 12 month old baby in your house.
Over all, she has brought nothing but joy to my life. In between the moments when I want to chuck her out the back door and the occasional nipping that went a little too far, she truly is the best part of my day. I love when I come home; her little curly tail wiggles so much she almost knocks herself over. All the little sounds she makes, the stubborn-ness, her relentless curiosity, the chorus of “awwwwwwwwww” when I take her out in public (which can be difficult when I’m trying to get her some exercise cuz she loves EVERYONE and everyone loves her) and our routines when we wake up and go to sleep at night (she sleeps w/ me of course) are some of the most memorable thus far. Much like our human children, our furbabies become beings you create memories with and I know Bailey will be a big part of my life for as long as I’m lucky to have her. She is my best friend and I can honestly say that when I was in the midst of the funk (more on that later) I wanted nothing but to be with her, she played a pivotal role in getting me out of it and I appreciate that.
Memorable moments:
- One morning, I woke up around 6:30 am, opened my eyes and there she was…maybe 3 inches from my face very quietly and gently nom-ming the corner of my pillow. She noticed that I’d woken up and her big huge bubble eyes looked up at me and her little tail began to wiggle slowly. I almost cried it was so sweet.
- Various trips to the vet for ingesting plastic arm men. Good times.
- The first time I caught Bailey and Gaia playing together, Gaia was totally busted and she knew it.
- The night I’d taken her out twice and she pooed both times and STILL had an accident on my bed in the middle of the night. This is when we learned that puppies don’t really need wet food, it’s not all that good for them anyway and now it’s only a treat on the weekends.
- The night we had the tornado and she was terrified, keeping her calm helped me to stay calm.
- The night she was breathing funny and I sat up with her all night freaking out.
- Her playing with her furbaby cousins (she goes bat shit around other dogs, in the best way possible)
- Teaching her to go up and down the “stairs” we’d made for her from my bed to the floor.
There are tons more and there will be tons more if I am lucky, more on her to come.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
No Dear Blog, I've NOT Abandoned You
I'm just busy, going through some personal things I don't much feel like elaborating on and find myself MUCH more inclined to be outside playing my dogs/garden/hula hoops then inside sitting behind a computer monitor any longer then I absolutely have to....so sit tight friends and I'll be back in due time.
Until then:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30854268@N03/sets/72157620685619893/
Until then:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30854268@N03/sets/72157620685619893/
Monday, June 29, 2009
i know, i know
I know I need to blogg, so much to detail and record. So little time. The weeks with Max gone seem to have escaped me and now he comes home tonight (only for a week and then he’s gone again until August 1st) so this week I’m sure I’ll be busy after work hanging out with him and doing 4th of July-ish things, not to mention the wedding we have on Saturday and other possible visits with friends who are in town over that weekend. I’ve also been sick with bronchitis for the past week which essentially kicked my ass right into bed, so I’ve been trying to manage that and work. Not doing a very good job as it turns out because there are a ton of people in my life I’m neglecting at the moment, not at all intentionally, but neglecting nonetheless and I need to get it together. So my lovelies, exepect updates (and gasp PICTURES) to follow as soon as I am able. Until then, just know that I love you and if you need me, you might need to hit me upside the head with a frying pan so I’ll understand b/c I’m a little dense right now. Love to you all :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Bailey Ray
Adorable black 4 month old pug of unknown name has officially been named:
Bailey Ray
Also known as Bailey Boo or Bailey Butt (when nipping momma to play/wake up/be fed/nom nom nom) she is essentially the entire focus of my life at the moment and I have so much fun things to post, but not a moment to do so because this is basically what my schedule has been for the past week:
a) Wake up at 6 am to “nom nom nom mom it’s time to get up!” puppy nibbles, whining or other noises
b) Make breakfast for everyone, hop in the shower while everyone is munching
c) Walk Bailey for about 20 minutes, play for another 10 minutes or so before work and in her crate she goes
d) Snuggle the cats for a few minutes, make sure everyone has plenty of water and fresh air and out the door I go
d) Drive work, work 3.5 – 4 hours
e) Drive home at lunch, walk Bailey for about half an hour make sure she gets a good pee/poo in and a drink – back into the crate
f) Drive back to work; work another 3.5 – 4 hours
g) Drive home, chase Bailey around the house/back yard with toys, water and food for about 30 mint to an hour to get all that pent up crate energy out a (sort of) and try to do some chores/make dinner/etc….while she is playing (always playing, always)
h) Eat part of my dinner while she’s having her dinner after I’ve done chores
i) Take Bailey for at least an hour walk
j) Get home, more playing while I watch a movie or read….in fact there is ALWAYS playing, always….always a toy in the mouth/chew bone or some other odd and end in her mouth that either requires removing or careful inspection for acceptable in the mouth activity
k) In bed by about 10, asleep by 10:15…if I make we make it that long.
This will continue for a few more weeks as we work through crate training and until Max comes home for a week. I should easily loose another 10 lbs at this rate right?
Life is good, more to come…next up “Tales Of Walking With Bailey” it’s good stuff.
xoxo
Bailey Ray
Also known as Bailey Boo or Bailey Butt (when nipping momma to play/wake up/be fed/nom nom nom) she is essentially the entire focus of my life at the moment and I have so much fun things to post, but not a moment to do so because this is basically what my schedule has been for the past week:
a) Wake up at 6 am to “nom nom nom mom it’s time to get up!” puppy nibbles, whining or other noises
b) Make breakfast for everyone, hop in the shower while everyone is munching
c) Walk Bailey for about 20 minutes, play for another 10 minutes or so before work and in her crate she goes
d) Snuggle the cats for a few minutes, make sure everyone has plenty of water and fresh air and out the door I go
d) Drive work, work 3.5 – 4 hours
e) Drive home at lunch, walk Bailey for about half an hour make sure she gets a good pee/poo in and a drink – back into the crate
f) Drive back to work; work another 3.5 – 4 hours
g) Drive home, chase Bailey around the house/back yard with toys, water and food for about 30 mint to an hour to get all that pent up crate energy out a (sort of) and try to do some chores/make dinner/etc….while she is playing (always playing, always)
h) Eat part of my dinner while she’s having her dinner after I’ve done chores
i) Take Bailey for at least an hour walk
j) Get home, more playing while I watch a movie or read….in fact there is ALWAYS playing, always….always a toy in the mouth/chew bone or some other odd and end in her mouth that either requires removing or careful inspection for acceptable in the mouth activity
k) In bed by about 10, asleep by 10:15…if I make we make it that long.
This will continue for a few more weeks as we work through crate training and until Max comes home for a week. I should easily loose another 10 lbs at this rate right?
Life is good, more to come…next up “Tales Of Walking With Bailey” it’s good stuff.
xoxo
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Another quickie
Life is abnormally busy on my end. Perhaps it’s the weather because I spend a lot of time outside these days walking, gardening and otherwise running to and fro. Perhaps it’s all this energy I seem to have and the 5 lbs I’ve last since D-Day one week ago. Perhaps it’s that work is in it’s typical all or nothing phase. Maybe it’s because we have been going pretty non stop since Memorial Day with getting Max ready for his trip to WY, spending time with friends and family and maintaining chores around the house…..
Or maybe….just maybe…..we are getting a puppy! Not just ANY puppy….a PUG puppy. Yes, my friends my desires and plea’s to the Universe to bring me a new baby have come true. I am picking up my 4 month old pug pup in approximatly 60 minutes. Her name is Niki (soon to be changed when I determine what will better suit her) and she is a leetle teeny tiny little baby doggeh because she’s the runt of the litter (of course, I’m SUCH a sucker) and she’s all black with bulgy eye balls and smooshed up face and little curly tail, kind of like a piggy tail. I can’t wait to smell her and snuggle her and take her home and call her George! Oh yes, she will be mine!
I will post pics when I can, between the new puppy and the rest of my life…I really am running a million miles an hour and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t loving every single minute of it!
Or maybe….just maybe…..we are getting a puppy! Not just ANY puppy….a PUG puppy. Yes, my friends my desires and plea’s to the Universe to bring me a new baby have come true. I am picking up my 4 month old pug pup in approximatly 60 minutes. Her name is Niki (soon to be changed when I determine what will better suit her) and she is a leetle teeny tiny little baby doggeh because she’s the runt of the litter (of course, I’m SUCH a sucker) and she’s all black with bulgy eye balls and smooshed up face and little curly tail, kind of like a piggy tail. I can’t wait to smell her and snuggle her and take her home and call her George! Oh yes, she will be mine!
I will post pics when I can, between the new puppy and the rest of my life…I really am running a million miles an hour and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t loving every single minute of it!
Friday, May 29, 2009
A Quick Update
Started the big shake down this week, so far so good. I feel incredible. I have tons of energy, I don’t know why I didn’t start this a long long time ago. But I’m doing it now and that’s what matters. Already lost a few lbs, I won’t start bouncing around until that first 20 comes off tho I have a non-food/non-booze present for myself at that mid way mark….I’ve already picked out the jewelry and everything and I’ll just go to wear Max got his ears pierced, that guy did a great job.
Crystal’s visit was lovely. She and D were on the go for most of it so we only got together twice, but I realize I have to share so I don’t get pouty about such things. Dancing and bogeying the night away was just what the doctor ordered for this fruit. It’s nice to have D in Denver, all the more enticing for Crystal visit, how did we get so lucky here in CO is what I want to know? I miss her and Peck so much, friends like that just don’t come along all that often.
Max leave’s for WY June 6th, he’ll be out there through August 1st with a week long break in between at home for 4th of July. I have mixed emotions about sending him off, but I sense it’s going to be ok. More on that when I have more time.
I’ve signed up for a yoga class 2 nights a week for the duration of June and belly dancing classes for most of July and into August. Tammy plans to participate in the belly dancing with me, which should be fun b/c she is like master-sowing woman so she and I have plans to make costumes together. I cannot afford much more then that right now, I had to put the guitar project on the side until I can fund it properly. June and July have booked up pretty quickly already. I am taking full advantage of this time for myself which will include lots of physical activity, time with loved ones, time with nature and plenty of down time. If my energy level holds up as it is currently, things should go swimmingly….
Gardening is coming along; the back yard is still in maintenance mode. I’m not sure pumpkins will have enough time to seed if we don’t get it done this weekend and this is my last weekend w/ Max so I don’t know, we’ll see….I’d really like some for the fall though. Gardening of this magnitude does cost money, we need a weed whacker and loppers and clippers…..all in due time. We enjoy the back yard plenty. Front yard looks great, my seeds are starting to sprout, next Spring should be absolutely gorgeous in my window boxes…this year, we’ll see. Now that I have an idea of how the sun hits everything and where the shade is, I’ll be on top of it next spring.
I’m still searching for the perfect show to go to, haven’t found one yet….Modest Mouse is high on the list, as is Ween. Mile High Music Fest would be the ideal, I mean that would freaking rock, maybe I’ll find tickets under a rock somewhere, maybe the back yard while digging those big ole suckers up?
Still talking to doggeh case worker, it’s slow go, but it’s in motion. I expect my attention may be else where for a while, so it might have to wait till Fall. The really cool thing about life is that there is SO much fun stuff to be doing and trouble to get into that I just can’t help myself, I have to taste a little bit of all of it
Happy Friday chickens, I love you!
Crystal’s visit was lovely. She and D were on the go for most of it so we only got together twice, but I realize I have to share so I don’t get pouty about such things. Dancing and bogeying the night away was just what the doctor ordered for this fruit. It’s nice to have D in Denver, all the more enticing for Crystal visit, how did we get so lucky here in CO is what I want to know? I miss her and Peck so much, friends like that just don’t come along all that often.
Max leave’s for WY June 6th, he’ll be out there through August 1st with a week long break in between at home for 4th of July. I have mixed emotions about sending him off, but I sense it’s going to be ok. More on that when I have more time.
I’ve signed up for a yoga class 2 nights a week for the duration of June and belly dancing classes for most of July and into August. Tammy plans to participate in the belly dancing with me, which should be fun b/c she is like master-sowing woman so she and I have plans to make costumes together. I cannot afford much more then that right now, I had to put the guitar project on the side until I can fund it properly. June and July have booked up pretty quickly already. I am taking full advantage of this time for myself which will include lots of physical activity, time with loved ones, time with nature and plenty of down time. If my energy level holds up as it is currently, things should go swimmingly….
Gardening is coming along; the back yard is still in maintenance mode. I’m not sure pumpkins will have enough time to seed if we don’t get it done this weekend and this is my last weekend w/ Max so I don’t know, we’ll see….I’d really like some for the fall though. Gardening of this magnitude does cost money, we need a weed whacker and loppers and clippers…..all in due time. We enjoy the back yard plenty. Front yard looks great, my seeds are starting to sprout, next Spring should be absolutely gorgeous in my window boxes…this year, we’ll see. Now that I have an idea of how the sun hits everything and where the shade is, I’ll be on top of it next spring.
I’m still searching for the perfect show to go to, haven’t found one yet….Modest Mouse is high on the list, as is Ween. Mile High Music Fest would be the ideal, I mean that would freaking rock, maybe I’ll find tickets under a rock somewhere, maybe the back yard while digging those big ole suckers up?
Still talking to doggeh case worker, it’s slow go, but it’s in motion. I expect my attention may be else where for a while, so it might have to wait till Fall. The really cool thing about life is that there is SO much fun stuff to be doing and trouble to get into that I just can’t help myself, I have to taste a little bit of all of it
Happy Friday chickens, I love you!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Haven't forgotten about you dear Blogg
Life is busier then normal, wonderfully busy, but still not much room for blogging at the moment....more to come soon. xo my lovlies!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Memorial Day Shenanigans
Well, the weekend is upon us and I have so much fun stuff planned I can barely sit still. On the agenda:
Friday Night – Mall & Movie Night
I’m not a big consumer; in fact I mostly despise shopping of all kinds. However, every now and then I get a bug in my butt and like to spend the afternoon perusing stores with Max, eating mall junk food and we usually wind it up at the movie theatre. I have no desire to see much of anything out right now, but Mj is sold on the new Terminator and being that I’ve got 2, maybe 3 weekends left with the man child before he leaves for the summer, I can probably concede to a little futuristic robot war horror for a few hours in the name of hanging out with the kiddo.
Saturday
I have to work in the morning, big project trying to go live in 2 weeks, but getting requirements from the project manager on this project (not Nancy of course) is proving difficult. I could’ve written better requirements in 3rd grade, let’s just put it that way. He doesn’t take anything seriously, everything is half assed and he thinks everything is “easy” as in “Well, how hard can it be to just…x, y & z?” uh, yeah ok buddy….that’s why the average developer in my office is 34 years old and has an average of 10 years experience already. And that’s each pal, EACH of us have been doing this for 10 years already…AT LEAST that, most more like 15. So yeah….I have to do a little hand holding this weekend so I can actually do my job next week. Did I mention this guy gets on my nerves?
Saturday Night
Crystal, Dane, Peck, Randall, Melanie and friends….need I say more?
Sunday
I suspect there will be a recovery period, no one is DDing, everyone is either cabbing or light-railing the night before…this means debauchery. I’m so excited, I expect to do some groove thang shaking my bad self
Sunday Night
Dave & Busters with the whole crew and Max. That should be fun.
Monday
Rest and hang w/ the boy….he’ll be gone soon, I want as much time w/ him as possible.
Bring it on! Woo hoot!
Friday Night – Mall & Movie Night
I’m not a big consumer; in fact I mostly despise shopping of all kinds. However, every now and then I get a bug in my butt and like to spend the afternoon perusing stores with Max, eating mall junk food and we usually wind it up at the movie theatre. I have no desire to see much of anything out right now, but Mj is sold on the new Terminator and being that I’ve got 2, maybe 3 weekends left with the man child before he leaves for the summer, I can probably concede to a little futuristic robot war horror for a few hours in the name of hanging out with the kiddo.
Saturday
I have to work in the morning, big project trying to go live in 2 weeks, but getting requirements from the project manager on this project (not Nancy of course) is proving difficult. I could’ve written better requirements in 3rd grade, let’s just put it that way. He doesn’t take anything seriously, everything is half assed and he thinks everything is “easy” as in “Well, how hard can it be to just…x, y & z?” uh, yeah ok buddy….that’s why the average developer in my office is 34 years old and has an average of 10 years experience already. And that’s each pal, EACH of us have been doing this for 10 years already…AT LEAST that, most more like 15. So yeah….I have to do a little hand holding this weekend so I can actually do my job next week. Did I mention this guy gets on my nerves?
Saturday Night
Crystal, Dane, Peck, Randall, Melanie and friends….need I say more?
Sunday
I suspect there will be a recovery period, no one is DDing, everyone is either cabbing or light-railing the night before…this means debauchery. I’m so excited, I expect to do some groove thang shaking my bad self
Sunday Night
Dave & Busters with the whole crew and Max. That should be fun.
Monday
Rest and hang w/ the boy….he’ll be gone soon, I want as much time w/ him as possible.
Bring it on! Woo hoot!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday Ramblings....
1. My male friends who are married keep telling me how great their wives are, how lucky they are to have such a wonderful wife. Also, based on what I’ve seen, wives appear to do many of the same chores and other domestic duties I do in a day…so I’ve decided I am going to get me one of those wife thingy’s. I’m wondering where to go about hiring/purchasing one? Do they have some that
2. Food is not friend or foe, just food? Wow…that’s a concept huh? We’ll see, week one starts Tuesday, Mary 26th 2008. GO SARAH BANARAH!
3. My son has been a teenager for almost 5 solid years now. The drastic mood swings and ability to turn for sweet to sour without notice STILL catches me off guard at times.
4. I feel a sense of relief that Crystal ended up riding w/ Dane out to CO. I know it was all very last minute in nature, but I know that drive can be long on your own and I know that those two need that time considering the amount of time Dane is going to be in CO. I am looking forward to my time with Crystal while she’s in town and promise to post lots of pics. I am also looking forward to hanging out with Dane over the weekend when he’s not riding or working or WOWing.
5. Life feels really good right now, things are still uncertain with Max for the summer, but other then that. It’s all good baby.
2. Food is not friend or foe, just food? Wow…that’s a concept huh? We’ll see, week one starts Tuesday, Mary 26th 2008. GO SARAH BANARAH!
3. My son has been a teenager for almost 5 solid years now. The drastic mood swings and ability to turn for sweet to sour without notice STILL catches me off guard at times.
4. I feel a sense of relief that Crystal ended up riding w/ Dane out to CO. I know it was all very last minute in nature, but I know that drive can be long on your own and I know that those two need that time considering the amount of time Dane is going to be in CO. I am looking forward to my time with Crystal while she’s in town and promise to post lots of pics. I am also looking forward to hanging out with Dane over the weekend when he’s not riding or working or WOWing.
5. Life feels really good right now, things are still uncertain with Max for the summer, but other then that. It’s all good baby.
Here's A Thought
If it is true that when we die and go to the “Other Side” we are no longer flesh baring beings and only exist in the spirit form, this would mean that things like food and sex and the smell of incense burning or how music can change an entire day around or the embrace of my child or the sound of rain are no longer relevant? Or AS relevant? That the very glory of evolving into this higher being will supersede all of this fleshy fun?
I’m certain you must retain the memory of these events that bring such earthly pleasures our way. I have to believe that these things must be part of the benefit of being human and living life in the first place, like ice cream for listening to our hearts and trying to fulfill whatever path we are meant to fulfill. But why I would strive and struggle and pray that I might become a loving, forgiving, whole omniscient being after having experienced all these lifetimes full of really cool experiences only to end up on the other end with no peanut butter causes me some distress. Sorry, I am just getting used to enjoying myself and there’s a chance it’s only for a limited time? Really? How the heck does that work? That makes me want to become really greedy with all the earthly enjoyments I can stuff into one life time thank you very much.
My only hope is that if I ever make it there in the first place I won’t be nearly this shallow about such a gift as evolving into a higher being and becoming one with the Universe. I really wouldn’t want to disappoint whomever is waiting there for me on the other side or miss it entirely just because I am a total glutton for all things pleasurable. Sigh.
I’m certain you must retain the memory of these events that bring such earthly pleasures our way. I have to believe that these things must be part of the benefit of being human and living life in the first place, like ice cream for listening to our hearts and trying to fulfill whatever path we are meant to fulfill. But why I would strive and struggle and pray that I might become a loving, forgiving, whole omniscient being after having experienced all these lifetimes full of really cool experiences only to end up on the other end with no peanut butter causes me some distress. Sorry, I am just getting used to enjoying myself and there’s a chance it’s only for a limited time? Really? How the heck does that work? That makes me want to become really greedy with all the earthly enjoyments I can stuff into one life time thank you very much.
My only hope is that if I ever make it there in the first place I won’t be nearly this shallow about such a gift as evolving into a higher being and becoming one with the Universe. I really wouldn’t want to disappoint whomever is waiting there for me on the other side or miss it entirely just because I am a total glutton for all things pleasurable. Sigh.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
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Friday, May 15, 2009
I hate it when that happens...
I’ve recently been inserting foot into mouth far too often. For example, today I made an insensitive comment to a friend that if I’d taken the 2 extra seconds to actually consider the situation, could have been completely avoided. Somehow, the route between brain and mouth has been bypassed. Either I’ve become that person who doesn’t care what she says no matter the cost to others or I am just not patient enough to take the time to analyze a situation before commenting on it. Either way, this does not satisfy me. I’d much prefer to be a kinder, gentler type of Sarah who friends and family and loved ones can turn to without fear of being lambasted by my word vomit.
Chalk it up to experience or yet another phase in learning about interacting and communicating with others, but I’m definitely on the road to silencing that voice in my head that isn’t always as considerate of others as it could be.
Chalk it up to experience or yet another phase in learning about interacting and communicating with others, but I’m definitely on the road to silencing that voice in my head that isn’t always as considerate of others as it could be.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
A Brief Vent
Cuz I’m in the mood to cuss a little, not because life is horrible but because there are some things you just have to get off your chest:
Pet Peeve Of The Day:
People who talk on their cell phones while using a public restroom. I don’t need to hear the intimate details of your fight last night with your boyfriend while you are doing your business. I cannot avoid the conversation because of the close vicinity of the stalls. I doubt the other caller wants to hear me flushing the toilet either. There is not a single reason why cell phone usage is required in the bathroom unless calling 911 for some reason, probably because someone stuck that cell phone in unmentionable places and you need help removing it. No matter how you slice it, cell phone usage in public bathrooms is just rude and uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Worry Of The Day:
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how self centered and self indulgent I’ve been. I’ve been giving myself permission to be that way for far to long, I am rather disgusted with myself for spending these past few years completely wrapped up in how I feel about everything and not doing anything about it. It’s kind of pathetic in retrospect and while I will forgive myself, move on and try to do better next time….I am worried about how to break the habit while staying attentive to what my heart tells me is right for me. How do I stay present within myself and still love outwardly? I tend to get very lost in others and I will give of myself until there’s nothing left. I can’t do that any more. Balance is always the challenge for me no matter the subject and I am worried that will go to far to the extreme again and end up wondering how I got myself in such a mess with someone. I’m also afraid of being overly guarded as well. It’s been 2 years and I’ve still not got the energy to entertain the idea of really giving much of myself to anyone, other then my existing relationships and even some of those I find exhausting at times. I’m worried I’ve become jaded beyond repair.
Puzzle Of The Day
Why do some people think it is ok for them to treat other people poorly or disrespectfully? What makes them so special that they can scream at some poor clerk for doing her job or they can march around barking orders at their friends or kick their dogs or steal someone’s parking spot? Where do these people get the cajones to act like that? Didn’t their momma’s teach them any better and why does society tolerate it? We all have bad days and get snippy with others, but come one people, have we all lost our manners or what? If we can’t be civil to one another, how does the next generation know how to treat each other? I can’t help but feel like common courtesy and respect extends itself much farther then simply being polite to my neighbor or not going ballistic when someone cuts me off in traffic.
Pet Peeve Of The Day:
People who talk on their cell phones while using a public restroom. I don’t need to hear the intimate details of your fight last night with your boyfriend while you are doing your business. I cannot avoid the conversation because of the close vicinity of the stalls. I doubt the other caller wants to hear me flushing the toilet either. There is not a single reason why cell phone usage is required in the bathroom unless calling 911 for some reason, probably because someone stuck that cell phone in unmentionable places and you need help removing it. No matter how you slice it, cell phone usage in public bathrooms is just rude and uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Worry Of The Day:
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how self centered and self indulgent I’ve been. I’ve been giving myself permission to be that way for far to long, I am rather disgusted with myself for spending these past few years completely wrapped up in how I feel about everything and not doing anything about it. It’s kind of pathetic in retrospect and while I will forgive myself, move on and try to do better next time….I am worried about how to break the habit while staying attentive to what my heart tells me is right for me. How do I stay present within myself and still love outwardly? I tend to get very lost in others and I will give of myself until there’s nothing left. I can’t do that any more. Balance is always the challenge for me no matter the subject and I am worried that will go to far to the extreme again and end up wondering how I got myself in such a mess with someone. I’m also afraid of being overly guarded as well. It’s been 2 years and I’ve still not got the energy to entertain the idea of really giving much of myself to anyone, other then my existing relationships and even some of those I find exhausting at times. I’m worried I’ve become jaded beyond repair.
Puzzle Of The Day
Why do some people think it is ok for them to treat other people poorly or disrespectfully? What makes them so special that they can scream at some poor clerk for doing her job or they can march around barking orders at their friends or kick their dogs or steal someone’s parking spot? Where do these people get the cajones to act like that? Didn’t their momma’s teach them any better and why does society tolerate it? We all have bad days and get snippy with others, but come one people, have we all lost our manners or what? If we can’t be civil to one another, how does the next generation know how to treat each other? I can’t help but feel like common courtesy and respect extends itself much farther then simply being polite to my neighbor or not going ballistic when someone cuts me off in traffic.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Rally and Rejoice!
My horoscope was spot on today:
http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/daily-extended/20090512/;_ylt=An36C2t2UQQ5J7jO4RiruqqNb6U5
My motivation and inspiration meter is through the roof (and hopefully the energy to do it all will follow) and I’ve begun making plans for the summer and dare I say, I am a little excited to have a few months to myself. That may seem selfish, but guess what? I don’t really care if it seems that way or not. Everything in my life is pointing toward this being “ok” for the summer. It feels right and why should I fight that because of fear? To let go of my hang ups about Max and his Dad and let it flow, within reason of course. Max seems aware that this will be a summer only situation and then he’ll spend holidays and what not with the Raver’s, but during the school year he will remain at home with me. To me this seems like a fair middle ground to the scenario, though I still haven’t talked to Sean about the details so who knows what resistances I will meet when that happens.
Speaking of, Sean just couldn’t resist calling on Mother’s Day. Haven’t heard from the guy in 2 weeks and he calls on Mother’s Day? How passive aggressive is that. Jerk weed.
In any event, I’m feeling pretty optimistic today and am choosing to capitalize on it rather then question it. In the coming months, I have the following plans being set into motion as we speak:
- Diet Program
I need help to loose these pounds. I need some kind of structured system and accountability. I’ve been trying for months on my own and am getting no where, except I’m not gaining so that’s good. It’s a substantial investment, but one I feel is necessary at this time and the opportunity is presenting itself so I’m jumping on it. I have no ridiculous visions of me being a size 8 or even a 10 again. But a solid, firm size 12 would suit me just fine and is totally realistic.
- Exercise Regime
I have been getting out and walking at least 3 times per week as it is, not as long as I’d like but minimum half an hour. My plan is to up that 30 minutes each morning on the treadmill at the rec center Mon – Sat and whatever else I can fit in otherwise for the first 2 – 3 weeks. After that I am hoping to up it to morning treadmill time plus 3 afternoons of yoga, palates or other more intensive exercise that will help tone, strengthen and help my flexibility/balance. One thing about being so chunky is that my balance is way way off, it has been really ever since I sprained my ankles the first time all those years ago, but now I have very little balance at all which is frustrating. I’d like to feel a bit less clumsy and a little more physically capable.
- Doggeh
I’ve become working with a ‘case worker’ of sorts at Table Mountain Animal Center, which is our local animal shelter. It’s pretty cool, you essentially give her all your specs and she begins working with you to find a good fit. My hope is that we will find a good match within the first 2 weeks of June before Max leaves for WY, thus giving Max the change for input and then giving me plenty of time with said doggeh through the summer months to bond and work with and taking training courses at PetSmart (all free, isn’t that cool?)
- Guitar Lessons
I’m still saving up for my beginner’s guitar and have found lessons, but it’s going to be at least another month before I can afford both. There is some question about whether I should just focus on doggeh first and then pick up the guitar piece or if I want to begin belly dance classes. I guess I’m flailing a bit on the “hobby” front still; I need to focus some really meditative thought on that and proceed accordingly.
Obviously reading and gardening and spending time with friends and family is always high on my priority lists, but these things are my goals for the next 2 months starting June 1 2009. My flower garden in the front is coming along nicely; I am still amazed at how rich and healthy this soil is. Clearly someone was on the same path as me at this residence before. It’s crazy, in some spots you pick up a handful of soil and worms just spill out of it, good stuff. Max is going to help me get some more weeding done before he leaves so that I’ll have a fairly fresh canvas to work within the back; it’s like a jungle back there at the moment. That spring snow we got kicked the ass of our feared impending drought this year; let’s hope it stays that way!
Miss Crystal will be here in about a week. I cannot wait to see her fabulous self. I know Max is looking forward to it as well, he keeps joking about all the giggling and conspiring that will be going on, I tell him to get used to it, that’s what girls do. Until she gets here I have a dinner date with Miss Sassy Sandy Pants, gardening planned for the weekend and a zillion other chores to complete between now and next week, but it’s all good stuff. I love being focused and productive, I thrive on it and live for it. I wish I could express to you all how much moving has cleared my mind and heart, every day I am grateful and every day I feel I owe the Universe the work I promised it when I asked for what I wanted when we moved. I got it, we’ve settled and life is good. Now the work begins and it’s the best kind of work :)
http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/daily-extended/20090512/;_ylt=An36C2t2UQQ5J7jO4RiruqqNb6U5
My motivation and inspiration meter is through the roof (and hopefully the energy to do it all will follow) and I’ve begun making plans for the summer and dare I say, I am a little excited to have a few months to myself. That may seem selfish, but guess what? I don’t really care if it seems that way or not. Everything in my life is pointing toward this being “ok” for the summer. It feels right and why should I fight that because of fear? To let go of my hang ups about Max and his Dad and let it flow, within reason of course. Max seems aware that this will be a summer only situation and then he’ll spend holidays and what not with the Raver’s, but during the school year he will remain at home with me. To me this seems like a fair middle ground to the scenario, though I still haven’t talked to Sean about the details so who knows what resistances I will meet when that happens.
Speaking of, Sean just couldn’t resist calling on Mother’s Day. Haven’t heard from the guy in 2 weeks and he calls on Mother’s Day? How passive aggressive is that. Jerk weed.
In any event, I’m feeling pretty optimistic today and am choosing to capitalize on it rather then question it. In the coming months, I have the following plans being set into motion as we speak:
- Diet Program
I need help to loose these pounds. I need some kind of structured system and accountability. I’ve been trying for months on my own and am getting no where, except I’m not gaining so that’s good. It’s a substantial investment, but one I feel is necessary at this time and the opportunity is presenting itself so I’m jumping on it. I have no ridiculous visions of me being a size 8 or even a 10 again. But a solid, firm size 12 would suit me just fine and is totally realistic.
- Exercise Regime
I have been getting out and walking at least 3 times per week as it is, not as long as I’d like but minimum half an hour. My plan is to up that 30 minutes each morning on the treadmill at the rec center Mon – Sat and whatever else I can fit in otherwise for the first 2 – 3 weeks. After that I am hoping to up it to morning treadmill time plus 3 afternoons of yoga, palates or other more intensive exercise that will help tone, strengthen and help my flexibility/balance. One thing about being so chunky is that my balance is way way off, it has been really ever since I sprained my ankles the first time all those years ago, but now I have very little balance at all which is frustrating. I’d like to feel a bit less clumsy and a little more physically capable.
- Doggeh
I’ve become working with a ‘case worker’ of sorts at Table Mountain Animal Center, which is our local animal shelter. It’s pretty cool, you essentially give her all your specs and she begins working with you to find a good fit. My hope is that we will find a good match within the first 2 weeks of June before Max leaves for WY, thus giving Max the change for input and then giving me plenty of time with said doggeh through the summer months to bond and work with and taking training courses at PetSmart (all free, isn’t that cool?)
- Guitar Lessons
I’m still saving up for my beginner’s guitar and have found lessons, but it’s going to be at least another month before I can afford both. There is some question about whether I should just focus on doggeh first and then pick up the guitar piece or if I want to begin belly dance classes. I guess I’m flailing a bit on the “hobby” front still; I need to focus some really meditative thought on that and proceed accordingly.
Obviously reading and gardening and spending time with friends and family is always high on my priority lists, but these things are my goals for the next 2 months starting June 1 2009. My flower garden in the front is coming along nicely; I am still amazed at how rich and healthy this soil is. Clearly someone was on the same path as me at this residence before. It’s crazy, in some spots you pick up a handful of soil and worms just spill out of it, good stuff. Max is going to help me get some more weeding done before he leaves so that I’ll have a fairly fresh canvas to work within the back; it’s like a jungle back there at the moment. That spring snow we got kicked the ass of our feared impending drought this year; let’s hope it stays that way!
Miss Crystal will be here in about a week. I cannot wait to see her fabulous self. I know Max is looking forward to it as well, he keeps joking about all the giggling and conspiring that will be going on, I tell him to get used to it, that’s what girls do. Until she gets here I have a dinner date with Miss Sassy Sandy Pants, gardening planned for the weekend and a zillion other chores to complete between now and next week, but it’s all good stuff. I love being focused and productive, I thrive on it and live for it. I wish I could express to you all how much moving has cleared my mind and heart, every day I am grateful and every day I feel I owe the Universe the work I promised it when I asked for what I wanted when we moved. I got it, we’ve settled and life is good. Now the work begins and it’s the best kind of work :)
Friday, May 08, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Sigh....no laptop, no functional development environment, no real work to speak of until Nancy is out of these meetings for the next 3 days. Big changes, hurry up and wait. HURRY UP AND WAIT PEOPLE!
Outside of work life is busy as ever, not much was accomplished around the house this weekend due to Max and I feeling so under the weather. We did start weeding in the back though and much to our pleasure, we found a yard loaded with lots of healthy dirt with all kinds of worms to prove it. Specifically where I'm planning to plant the pumpkins/squash, I'm thinking they are really going to thrive there and I am eager to get a'planting. I've decided to load up on annuals/perennials in the front area and call it good. No reason to make it complicated.
The office still is in no shape for visitors, but I am chipping away at it. I am one of those people that gets really overwhelmed by the sight of a big job, aesthetically I mean. The visual of all those boxes to be sorted through, pictures to be hung and paperwork to file promptly causes me to find something else that needs to be done as soon as is human possible, like get on the computer and play Qwery on Pogo.com. But the office is slowly but surely becoming more like an office/guest room and less like a storage space.
Otherwise, the house feels pretty put together. Well, my closet/dresser is still pretty randomly sorted. No real organization there. Max's room actually looks great, he's done a lot to make it comfortable there. Speaking of Max, he's being awfully agreeable and pleasant. I'm enjoying it tremendously, but can't help but ask "Why? What the hell happened?" I've thought of asking him directly, it's all very strange. I really hope I am wrong and there isn't something suspicious about the whole situation.
Tonight I have plans to walk with Tammy and catch up, cook up some dinner and organize the rest of my books. Darrell is supposed to be down this weekend, we'll see if it happens. He's been planning it for a few weeks now, but that's happened before and something always comes up at the last minute that changes plans. Great guy, but our lives are just so not compatible and I'm really proud of both of us for seeing it for what it is and not making any hard feelings out of it. If he does make it down though, we'll have a great time and he'll go back up the mountain for an undetermined amount of time and that's fine with everyone involved. Sometimes maturing about relationships comes in the strangest forms, I swear.
I'm looking forward to Crystal's visit, only a few more weeks and it will be here! I can't believe I'm actually going to see Peck & Amy also, too crazy. I miss those girls!
Well, back to "work" for today. I really prefer my queue to be full, thank you. Otherwise, all I can think about is what I could be doing besides sitting a cube waiting for them to put me to work.
Outside of work life is busy as ever, not much was accomplished around the house this weekend due to Max and I feeling so under the weather. We did start weeding in the back though and much to our pleasure, we found a yard loaded with lots of healthy dirt with all kinds of worms to prove it. Specifically where I'm planning to plant the pumpkins/squash, I'm thinking they are really going to thrive there and I am eager to get a'planting. I've decided to load up on annuals/perennials in the front area and call it good. No reason to make it complicated.
The office still is in no shape for visitors, but I am chipping away at it. I am one of those people that gets really overwhelmed by the sight of a big job, aesthetically I mean. The visual of all those boxes to be sorted through, pictures to be hung and paperwork to file promptly causes me to find something else that needs to be done as soon as is human possible, like get on the computer and play Qwery on Pogo.com. But the office is slowly but surely becoming more like an office/guest room and less like a storage space.
Otherwise, the house feels pretty put together. Well, my closet/dresser is still pretty randomly sorted. No real organization there. Max's room actually looks great, he's done a lot to make it comfortable there. Speaking of Max, he's being awfully agreeable and pleasant. I'm enjoying it tremendously, but can't help but ask "Why? What the hell happened?" I've thought of asking him directly, it's all very strange. I really hope I am wrong and there isn't something suspicious about the whole situation.
Tonight I have plans to walk with Tammy and catch up, cook up some dinner and organize the rest of my books. Darrell is supposed to be down this weekend, we'll see if it happens. He's been planning it for a few weeks now, but that's happened before and something always comes up at the last minute that changes plans. Great guy, but our lives are just so not compatible and I'm really proud of both of us for seeing it for what it is and not making any hard feelings out of it. If he does make it down though, we'll have a great time and he'll go back up the mountain for an undetermined amount of time and that's fine with everyone involved. Sometimes maturing about relationships comes in the strangest forms, I swear.
I'm looking forward to Crystal's visit, only a few more weeks and it will be here! I can't believe I'm actually going to see Peck & Amy also, too crazy. I miss those girls!
Well, back to "work" for today. I really prefer my queue to be full, thank you. Otherwise, all I can think about is what I could be doing besides sitting a cube waiting for them to put me to work.
Monday, May 04, 2009
The Highs & Woes Of The Technie Industry
My desktop has been attacked by something with malicious intent. Must be all that “adult content” and Facebook-ing I do. Whatever. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done the networking/strictly IT side of things so I have dig way deep back in the little folds of my brain to remember the steps involved with properly detecting whatever it is that is causing my desktop to act like a squirrel on a vente double shot espresso from Starbucks. Sigh. It’s scanning right now which essentially eats up all of my resources until it’s done, thus allowing me to do little or nothing on the Internet, in Office 2003 OR use a single one of my development apps because those are the most resource intensive of the bunch (Visual Studio 2008 in particular) so I thought, hmmmmm, when in doubt, blog.
I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately. What is the purpose of it really? My intentions oscilate between it being about my own random meadorings, not really intened for any specific audience and wanting to use it as a means to keep folks posted on the somewhat mediocre life I’ve created with the occasional hiccups that produce both pleasures and pain, which in a sense seems a little narcasistic now that I am thinking on the subject. I’m undecided as to whether I need to change up the format and focus just on something specific, something USEFULL to the Internet world or if I am content to keep on posting, blathering on about whatever. I surely don’t expect that anyone is reading it, but when something blows up, I am reminded that it is being read and I should take that into consideration.
Things on the Max-front are interesting. He’s been ill for a few days and nothing brings out the “I want my mommy” – ies like having a head full of phlegm and a sore throat. So I did my duty as a mother and cared for him all weekend, meanwhile nursing my own bout of the ickness. Luckily we are both feeling much better today, no harm, no foul. I can’t quite figure him out, but something changed again around Wednesday or Thursday. He started being “nice” again, almost overly so. I am suspicious, suffice to say I don’t trust the boy at the moment. My mind wanders in all kinds of ugly places so it’s hard for me to know what’s really going on with him. Is he trying to trick me into thinking things are on the up and up, but secretly there is plotting going on behind my back? Yesterday we ran some quick errands and hung out most of the day together and I tell you, I enjoyed every moment of it. He has such a great sense of humor and can be like the sweetest guy on the planet. I figure hey, I’ll suck up this time with him where I can, it is fleeting after all. Something tells me this child is going to break someone’s heart in his life time and who’s heart to men always break first? There mother’s of course. Then, one would hope their mothers get to reap what’s been sown for the last 18 or 21 years, but we’ll see.
Work is quiet again, I keep having this fear that I’m going to come into work one of these days and get laid off. I’m trying desperately not to let that idea linger to long as to avoid it being cooked up as a reality (I’m a bit superstitious like that) because I’d really like to believe my job is stable so I can continue working on stabilizing the rest of my life, which is coming along nicely over all. But the fear hasn’t quite left me yet, it flares up and then the fear fire is put out by more code for me to write or trouble shoot, my inclusion in all things development team related and things all around being seemingly normal. For example, our department received a gold award from a global conference for delivery providers last month. It’s fairly prestigious and our department of 8 little developers and one kick ass supervisor (Ok, I GUESS the 24/7 IT admin staff had something to do with it….I mean SOMEONE has to make sure those servers are consistently operational and the database’s are being managed properly - they rock seriously) has some how managed to play with the big dogs in terms of application development to manage media delivery. So it’s nothing to sneeze at, we are even having a bbq thrown in our honor on Wednesday and I know the whole staff appreciates those types of events on occasion. Good for morale and all that. We are also getting ready to sign contract with a group that will pour a fair amount of cash into our department to merge our applications with their existing delivery media software. We are looking at potentially doubling our staff to make that transition happen so that gives you an idea of the kind of money we are talking about. Not sure where we are going to fit everyone, we are already crammed in here like sardines as it is, but I trust management to make it comfortable. They’ve never let me down yet. However, my bottom line is that I am insecure about my skill set at this point. Any new developers they hire are going to be experienced developers, I will continue to be low man on the development totem pole until I don’t know when, it really just takes time and experience and I wonder sometimes if my employer can have the patience to allow for that time to pass and experience to be gained. The reality is that they need a certain type of developer and I’m just not there yet. On the other hand, I believe that Nancy does value me and PDC isn’t the type of company to just throw someone away after 4 years, though I have seen it happen in one particular case. So I do feel like my ass is on the line and all I can do is get my butt to work every day, work hard and try to let them know I’m up to any task they have for me. It is stressfull tho, I can’t quite totally quiet the voices in my head telling me I’m on my way out and to get ready for it. That’s just how I’m built, to always be on guard for potential crisis. It wears me out some times.
Doh…back to work, my laptop is toast. It will have to be rebuilt and until then I will be sitting in the only empty cube in the office, setting up THAT environment for the next 2 days until my laptop comes back and then I’ll be setting THAT environment back up so I can actually get some work done. Poo. Not my happiest Monday, not the worst either tho I suppose :)
I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately. What is the purpose of it really? My intentions oscilate between it being about my own random meadorings, not really intened for any specific audience and wanting to use it as a means to keep folks posted on the somewhat mediocre life I’ve created with the occasional hiccups that produce both pleasures and pain, which in a sense seems a little narcasistic now that I am thinking on the subject. I’m undecided as to whether I need to change up the format and focus just on something specific, something USEFULL to the Internet world or if I am content to keep on posting, blathering on about whatever. I surely don’t expect that anyone is reading it, but when something blows up, I am reminded that it is being read and I should take that into consideration.
Things on the Max-front are interesting. He’s been ill for a few days and nothing brings out the “I want my mommy” – ies like having a head full of phlegm and a sore throat. So I did my duty as a mother and cared for him all weekend, meanwhile nursing my own bout of the ickness. Luckily we are both feeling much better today, no harm, no foul. I can’t quite figure him out, but something changed again around Wednesday or Thursday. He started being “nice” again, almost overly so. I am suspicious, suffice to say I don’t trust the boy at the moment. My mind wanders in all kinds of ugly places so it’s hard for me to know what’s really going on with him. Is he trying to trick me into thinking things are on the up and up, but secretly there is plotting going on behind my back? Yesterday we ran some quick errands and hung out most of the day together and I tell you, I enjoyed every moment of it. He has such a great sense of humor and can be like the sweetest guy on the planet. I figure hey, I’ll suck up this time with him where I can, it is fleeting after all. Something tells me this child is going to break someone’s heart in his life time and who’s heart to men always break first? There mother’s of course. Then, one would hope their mothers get to reap what’s been sown for the last 18 or 21 years, but we’ll see.
Work is quiet again, I keep having this fear that I’m going to come into work one of these days and get laid off. I’m trying desperately not to let that idea linger to long as to avoid it being cooked up as a reality (I’m a bit superstitious like that) because I’d really like to believe my job is stable so I can continue working on stabilizing the rest of my life, which is coming along nicely over all. But the fear hasn’t quite left me yet, it flares up and then the fear fire is put out by more code for me to write or trouble shoot, my inclusion in all things development team related and things all around being seemingly normal. For example, our department received a gold award from a global conference for delivery providers last month. It’s fairly prestigious and our department of 8 little developers and one kick ass supervisor (Ok, I GUESS the 24/7 IT admin staff had something to do with it….I mean SOMEONE has to make sure those servers are consistently operational and the database’s are being managed properly - they rock seriously) has some how managed to play with the big dogs in terms of application development to manage media delivery. So it’s nothing to sneeze at, we are even having a bbq thrown in our honor on Wednesday and I know the whole staff appreciates those types of events on occasion. Good for morale and all that. We are also getting ready to sign contract with a group that will pour a fair amount of cash into our department to merge our applications with their existing delivery media software. We are looking at potentially doubling our staff to make that transition happen so that gives you an idea of the kind of money we are talking about. Not sure where we are going to fit everyone, we are already crammed in here like sardines as it is, but I trust management to make it comfortable. They’ve never let me down yet. However, my bottom line is that I am insecure about my skill set at this point. Any new developers they hire are going to be experienced developers, I will continue to be low man on the development totem pole until I don’t know when, it really just takes time and experience and I wonder sometimes if my employer can have the patience to allow for that time to pass and experience to be gained. The reality is that they need a certain type of developer and I’m just not there yet. On the other hand, I believe that Nancy does value me and PDC isn’t the type of company to just throw someone away after 4 years, though I have seen it happen in one particular case. So I do feel like my ass is on the line and all I can do is get my butt to work every day, work hard and try to let them know I’m up to any task they have for me. It is stressfull tho, I can’t quite totally quiet the voices in my head telling me I’m on my way out and to get ready for it. That’s just how I’m built, to always be on guard for potential crisis. It wears me out some times.
Doh…back to work, my laptop is toast. It will have to be rebuilt and until then I will be sitting in the only empty cube in the office, setting up THAT environment for the next 2 days until my laptop comes back and then I’ll be setting THAT environment back up so I can actually get some work done. Poo. Not my happiest Monday, not the worst either tho I suppose :)
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