Today is a little brighter then yesterday on some levels. Max and I had a fairly civil conversation last night resulted in lightening the situation a little. I feel pretty confident with the current course of action on the Max-front and even though I still couldn’t predict how this situation will pan out, what I do know is that everything will be ok in the long run. The current plan of action is this:
a) I have contacted a family therapist and I have an appointment scheduled with her for Thursday. I will meet with her alone and lay out the situation, baggage and all. Max and I will then meet with until he goes to Wyoming after school is out. I will continue to work with this family therapist while Max is in Wyoming and upon his return we will begin therapy together again.
b) I have yet to contact Sean or his parents. I am still too worked up about their role in the situation to feel confident that I can have a conversation with them yet that won’t result in something negative. I have to be strong, firm and able to let their comments slide past me. I’m not quite there yet. But when I DO speak with them, my plan is to inform them (again) that communicating through Max is unacceptable and puts him in the middle. I intend to let Sean know that I feel if he plans to be a part of Max’s life on this level, he needs to start acting like an adult an acknowledge that we are BOTH the parents and that it is entirely inappropriate for him to undermine me. I do not do it to him and he should return the favor. Things like Max’s driver’s license and school are things we both have to be involved in. I am sure he will try to pacify me and my words will not matter, but I have to be heard.
c) Max will go to Wyoming for the summer probably sometime in the 2nd week of June. He will return the first week of August to register for school.
d) Sean will be responsible for Max’s summer school, including all financial cost involved. I will save any child support from the 2 summer months in a savings account to be used for school registration fees, supplies and clothes.
e) Max will return to CO for the school year and spend Christmas/Spring Break with his dad.
This is what I’m putting on the table. I have already spoken with Max about this and he is not happy about it obviously, I think he thinks something might change between now and the end of the summer, but I also sense that he doesn’t want to give up his life in CO either. I think he isn’t always happy with my choices (which is fair), thinks I’m too harsh on him about school and is trying to run away from his responsibilities. In essence, I think the kid is really fighting growing up and the grass looks pretty green on the other side of the fence. I am not sure how it’s going to go down but I do think it’s a good start. I know some of the people in my life don’t agree with me or think I am trying to control the situation and that I should just let him go live with his Dad and let that be that. I’m not saying that won’t happen, I am not saying I might not get to the point with him where I’m “done” but to me I still have to try and make the best effort I can to do what I think is right for Max because the fact is that I have been raising him his entire life and maybe I’m not a perfect mother, but I’ve stuck through it for him no matter what. Until there is no other choice, I feel like I at least have to try.
Now, if I could just restrain myself from reacting to his crummy attitude on the day to day we might get through this without further insult to injury. That’s sort of the hard part, how do we live together during this period of transition? No matter the outcomes, this IS a time of transition and that fact cannot be denied so I have to learn how to manage the situation for the next 6 weeks or so without driving either one of us batty. My natural tendency is to want to fix everything right away, but experience has finally taught me that this isn’t always the way.
I also spoke with Max more in detail regarding the sex text messages stuff. I didn’t berate the guy for being 16 and sexual, it’s pretty normal. I just took the time to talk with him about respect for women and to remind him that all young ladies have a daddy or a brother or an uncle or SOMEONE who will educate him on how to talk to their daughter/sister/niece/friend etc….should something like this ever come to their attention and I don’t know ANYONE that wants stare down a very pissed off daddy. I also explained to him the definition of harassment and to pay close attention to the many recent stories on the news about “sexting” and legal charges being brought about because of the more over the top stuff. I was really trying not to shame him. I think he felt a certain amount of that on his own. I also took it as an opportunity to have another safe sex discussion, for which he essentially ignored me but I reminded him that he’s got what he needs to protect himself and his future, don’t forget that.
So who knows what the coming weeks will bring. I’ve fully prepared myself for a lot of tension, attitude, conflict with Sean’s family and the fact that Max might not be home when I get off work one of these days. I know I can’t play the patsy with this kid either. I have a career, one that is beginning to really bloom and it’s pretty essential that my personal life no longer impact my day to day job. I also can’t spend my daily allotted emotional energy pining away over the whole situation. I think what I have to do here is focus on not being married to one specific outcome and be prepared for anything. That should be pretty simple with my one and only child right? Ha.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Is breathing a little more evenly, sometimes we all need the space to "freak out" about something so that we can come to terms with the situation in our own time and mind space. Luckily for me, I am surrounded by so many different types of people that I get input from ALL spectrums of the rainbow. I *heart* the rainbow!
Ok, turns out I do have a second to blog after all. The one issue I had today was already completed quite some time ago by another process so we are waiting on the big stuff to come in this week, then it should be good times at work.
Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.
Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.
Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.
He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.
Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.
Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.
First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.
As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.
Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.
At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.
On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.
Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.
Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.
I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.
Now on to Max as I’m sure all will be curious and frankly, I need to vent because I’m not sure I’ve felt this full of frustration, anger, hurt and disappointment in a long long time. To boot, I am a little disappointed that I was reaching a happy place again only to have it all come down on me in a matter of moments.
Let me preface this with the following: Max has been “off” for about a week. At first I sort of chalked it up to teen angst. Any of you who have teenagers or were a teenager at some point in your life (har) can attest to the fact that humans at 16 years old are volatile at best. Really, there are times when being in the same room with him is like being in the same room with a Tasmanian devil in a hormonal frenzy., Last week, after weeks of relative harmony he became moody and defiant about stupid things, began isolating himself from me more and more, etc,…..In retrospect, I notice this behavior increases when he’s feeling that life is “unfair” and that my rules are overly harsh. For example, last week I asked him to do some yard work as he Wednesday off. This was apparently a huge injustice to his sensibilities and he made sure I’d pay for it with attitude for the remainder of the day. It didn’t get any better Thursday or Friday. In any event, things were going great until about last Monday and then something sparked this kid’s fire on Friday. Friday evening we had guests over and had a wonderful night of good food and good friends. They went home and Max promptly went to bed. I figured he was just tired, so I let it go.
Matt came over, we watched some movies; he went home I went to bed. I wake up Saturday morning and Max is stomping around the house with a mega attitude. Clearly something is on this kid’s mind. I ask him repeatedly if something is up and he just ignores me and finally I get tired of asking, I figure he’ll come to me when he’s ready. Meanwhile, he’s being awfully sneaky running in and out of the house and I’m thinking, ok…whatever.
He finally confronts me and a whole slew of very tense moments occur in which I find out he’s already got it all set up, that he’s going to live with his dad and he’s taking his stuff, etc…etc…etc… He almost started loosing it, cussing, calling me names, etc…but I calmed him down by gently reminding him that I am his mother, no matter what, I’m still his mother and he might want to reconsider what he’s saying to me before he says something he can’t take back. I almost slapped him; he was way over the top. He calmed down, I ponder his behavior (we’ve been through this before as you all know) and my first reaction is “You have to finish this school year.” My goal was to reason with him and get him to calm down and that did seem to help. I then find out he’s been talking w/ the dad’s side of the family about this all morning and he needs to go call them and update them. I am like raging pissed at this point. For the record, I feel they are totally coddling him and not really looking at the bigger picture which I can tell you are making for some difficult situations as a whole. In any event, Saturday was pretty awful and Max and I went rounds pretty good but I did manage to defuse the situation fairly well by letting him know he might be able to go to his dad’s for the summer, we’d have to talk about it.
Pins and needles all weekend as you can imagine. I will be honest, I am very hurt. He said some awful stuff to before I was able to check him. I also feel Max is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage (and now that I know what I know, I know why.) I feel he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities here, I think he’s trying to run away from reality and go somewhere he thinks will offer him escape. Which it would temporarily. And I am absolutely furious/livid with Sean’s side of the family. They are absolutely adding to the situation without even considering how things might look from an adult’s perspective in the situation, they are pretty much going through Max without even talking to me about it. I’m EFFING PISSED at them. More then I care to even describe here.
Fast forward to Sunday night…..I started snooping. In my defense, I’ve always been very fair about Max’s privacy. I’ve given him a wide birth in this department because I believe kid’s need that to grow into themselves. However, given his recent behavior and what I perceive as a possible crisis here, I didn’t really care if Max likes it that I am going through his phone or his MySpace page. The old adage about curiosity and the cat is surely true in this scenario.
First I found messages dating back several weeks between Max and his father. His father promising him to help him get a license, telling Max he would buy him a car, etc….(please remember that I’ve told Max he needs to have at least a C average to have his drivers license and that he’d have to pay for his own gas/insurance some how) not to worry about money etc….totally undermining a lot of what I’ve laid down with Max about driving, which is obviously a very appealing thing for a 16 year old. In my eyes though, the kid hasn’t earned it. He’s doing much better in school and I am giving him props for that, but he’s still has unacceptable grades in 2 classes and I feel firmly about this, especially if I am going to put him on MY insurance. Kid needs to show some initiate and responsible behavior before I’ll consider that.
As you can imagine, I am LIVID with Sean and it’s taking everything I have to not call him and rip him a new one. Even as I type this, my mind is racing with how to approach this in the best way possible because this is a very delicate situation.
Second, I then find several pretty vial text messages between Max and a girl he’s been seeing. Mostly at his urging I’m sad to say. She seemed rather uncomfortable with some of this discussion. I’m not surprised that my son is “sexting” as it were; I know this is a pretty common thing amongst kids these days. I’m not surprised that he’s experimenting with sexual ideas and attitudes. I am not even upset about the idea of him acting on it to be honest, he’s almost 17 years old and I believe sexuality is healthy, not something to be feared or quilted over. What I AM upset about is that he was being disrespectful in these texts. Pushing her about things that I think are WAY over the top for 16 year olds to be discussing (this is stuff I didn’t even KNOW about until I was in my mid 20’s) and it kills me to say this, but I am really disappointed in him. I really never thought he’d be “that” guy. Even if he is just trying it on for size, I still don’t like it and I guess I don’t have to. And what kills me even more is that Max portrays himself as an utter angel to me, I know better, but again, I feel manipulated.
At the moment I have no idea what the next step is. On the one hand, part of me is like “Fine. Go.” I’ve kind of had it with this posturing Max is doing between Sean’s family and me. They are not helping the situation one bit IMO, in fact, it feels to me like Sean is taking this as his opportunity to play on Max’s issues with me to gain Max’s affections. Jerk. Part of me is like maybe this is the best thing for the summer? I do see value in it on some level. Sean can deal with summer school and all of its expenses, Sean can take him to the kidney appointments and find a way to keep Max occupied while he’s at work all day long. Whether or not Sean would follow up with any of these things of course is the other concern. And the reality is that Max may just go anyway, I might not be left with much choice. Besides, he’s not a little child any more, he does have some say in his life and I’m not going to go down as the ogre who wouldn’t let him get to know his dad. Which we all know isn’t the case, but its sure being painted that way.
On the other hand, I of course don’t want him to go for my own reasons but I know some of that I need to start working through. He’s growing up quick, it’s time for me to start building my own life, but he’s still got 2 solid years of high school left and he’s got a life in CO. I also don’t think anyone in this situation should be conceding to the whims of a hormonal-rebellious 16 year old without further discussion and communication. The bottom line here is that things are the way they are for a reason. I have full custody of this child because his father was an abusive jack ass and I had to protect Max and Sean has been almost totally absent from Max’s life up until the last 2 years or so. I am beginning to leave the past in the past with Sean and I 100% support a relationship between Sean’s family and Max (if they stop acting like back stabbing selfish teenagers themselves), but I’m sorry, he hasn’t earned my trust enough to just allow Max to go traipsing off to some po dunk Wyoming town with no opportunity, shitty schools and a lower unemployment rate then even Denver at the moment. Sean doesn’t even work consistently for cripes sake, HELLO! No one is thinking about this stuff, about Max’s future should he move to Wyoming. Everyone just wants what they want. I am very concerned that if Max doesn’t stay in CO for his school years that he won’t finish high school and even above my love for my only child, it’s my responsibility to try and help him have a good life and education in some form is critical. He has to find some way to support himself in the next 2 – 4 years and without at least a high school diploma, his chances are eating regularly are low. I won’t have it.
Plus, Sean and his family have NO right whatsoever to get involved on this level without even talking to me. They are communicating all through Max. It’s ridiculous and childish and unfair to both of us. Again, I am absolutely LIVID.
Now that I’ve vented some (and not for the first time in the last 2 days) I can say that I feel myself getting to a place of more impartialness then I was able to a few days ago. Max isn’t a child any more, in some ways yes, but not totally. He does deserve the opportunity to establish a relationship with Sean and I have no real problem with Max going to Sean’s for the summer IF everyone involved comes to an agreement on how this should go down AND there’s a lot less conniving behind my back. I will fight for Max to stay in CO for his school years and live with me because it’s what I think is best, but if they want to set something up where Max spends summers/holidays with Sean, I am open to that. Max won’t like it because he’s got it in his head that he’s going to live with Sean this summer, but tough shit. I may only have 16 years on the kid, but it’s enough to know that I still have to fight for what’s right with this kiddo.
I am still fuming over the texts/emails I found though. Seriously fuming. Max got an earful from me this morning. Maybe it’s about time this kid see’s that I’m not as stupid as he seems to think and that he can point his fingers at me all he wants, but that he’s responsible for his own life and behavior at the end of the day.
A little hectic....
I am not ignoring anyone, I know I have emails/voicemails/texts to respond to. Max is pulling the "I want to go live with my dad" thing again and I won't even tell you what this snooping mother found on his phone and on his MySpace page. I am pretty shocked, no one wants to see that kind of filth coming ouf of the mouthes of babes....but it is what it is. Anywa, no time to really update...I will when I can. Love you to all and please send your prayers and good juju my way as things with Max are tense (again) and I've sort of had it with what feels like some game playing an manipulation on Max's end to get what he wants and punish me at the same time. good times.
sigh.
love to you all
s
sigh.
love to you all
s
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I Iz Purty Happity
Mom and I had a wonderful meal yesterday at Joe’s for her birthday. It was good to see her; I appreciate the growth in our relationship very much. It’s nice to have a momma again. Bummer news from yesterday though is that Jim’s dad has fallen ill and is in the hospital so they may be going to CA to visit him, which means we’d end up watching Abbey & Hannah and that’s totally cool with me. Abbey is like the coolest dog ever and Hannah is like the goofiest dog ever so between them both you get some silliness. Plus it’ll be a good dry run for when we are ready to get dogs.
Max has the day off today as the upper classmen are doing the ACT tests, so I put his butt to work on the yard while I am at work. He’s pretty put out at the idea that I would actually expect him to do yard work at all, let alone on his day off instead of out tooling around with his friends on their bikes. That’s ok, he can be put off. I am chalking it up to teen angst and letting him get over it….while he’s raking and gets the garbage from the back bagged and ready for disposal.
This weekend is looking busy in all kinds of fun ways, dinners, guitar browsing and yard work. All things I could get on board with. I’m anxious to get a guitar in my hands and start learning how to read sheet music, it seems like a skill I would need regardless. I’ve found someone I think might be good for giving me lessons through F and he only charges $25 for half an hour if I come to him, so maybe I think I can afford that once a week.
My hair also desperately need a trim but am still having a hard time finding someone I trust to actually touch my hair again. I’ve decided to grow it out, I like having long hair….makes me feel pretty and I’m on a mission to do things that make me feel pretty. I purchased some new bath items and make up that are very spring-ish and a few new peasant shirts as they always remind of spring. There is also the issue of shoes now with my leg, I can’t really wear heels or anything to chunky, so that does limit my selection a little. Famous Footwear has some adorable gladiator sandals I want and they are super sassy, so those are my spring shopping agenda as well. I wish I was closer to P or Crys because they are girly girls and then I would have someone to get mani/pedi’s with, go to Starbucks with and maybe browse the new spring collection at Kohl’s (which I like very much btw) and get their opinions on what looks good on me and what doesn’t. But alas, they are far away for the moment so I’ll do this stuff on my own. Which is a good thing, learning how to do things on your own with out the armor of a friend by your side at all times? So anyway, I am going to check out this new salon on 44th and see what they are all about, I have a coupon so we’ll see what they can do for me.
In other news, Dining Out For Life is coming up next week and though I am not volunteering this year my office is going to a burrito place in Thornton for the event. The timing was a little off for me this year. Luckily, Project Angel Heart will be participating at the People’s Fair and PrideFest in June and I am working with the volunteer coordinator to participate in those events. Max is giving me little hints that he’s interested in participating as well, so we’ll see if he actually signs up when the time comes. We are also trying to get folks involved with FurryScurry sponsored by the Denver Dumb Friends league, so we’ll see how that pans out. I have two people with doggeh’s who are interested in participating and I told them that I need a doggie of my own to walk that day, but have yet to find a fur baby I can borrow and there’s NO way I’m putting Gaia on a leash and parading her big butt all over Washington Park. She’d be absolutely mortified
So life feels pretty good and rewarding. I have days where I really miss my friends and family who are so far away and I’m still chubby and that’s bothering me and probably always will, but for the most part, I am not finding it to hard to feel gratitude at the moment and that is a blessed thing.
Happy Earth Day my friends!
Max has the day off today as the upper classmen are doing the ACT tests, so I put his butt to work on the yard while I am at work. He’s pretty put out at the idea that I would actually expect him to do yard work at all, let alone on his day off instead of out tooling around with his friends on their bikes. That’s ok, he can be put off. I am chalking it up to teen angst and letting him get over it….while he’s raking and gets the garbage from the back bagged and ready for disposal.
This weekend is looking busy in all kinds of fun ways, dinners, guitar browsing and yard work. All things I could get on board with. I’m anxious to get a guitar in my hands and start learning how to read sheet music, it seems like a skill I would need regardless. I’ve found someone I think might be good for giving me lessons through F and he only charges $25 for half an hour if I come to him, so maybe I think I can afford that once a week.
My hair also desperately need a trim but am still having a hard time finding someone I trust to actually touch my hair again. I’ve decided to grow it out, I like having long hair….makes me feel pretty and I’m on a mission to do things that make me feel pretty. I purchased some new bath items and make up that are very spring-ish and a few new peasant shirts as they always remind of spring. There is also the issue of shoes now with my leg, I can’t really wear heels or anything to chunky, so that does limit my selection a little. Famous Footwear has some adorable gladiator sandals I want and they are super sassy, so those are my spring shopping agenda as well. I wish I was closer to P or Crys because they are girly girls and then I would have someone to get mani/pedi’s with, go to Starbucks with and maybe browse the new spring collection at Kohl’s (which I like very much btw) and get their opinions on what looks good on me and what doesn’t. But alas, they are far away for the moment so I’ll do this stuff on my own. Which is a good thing, learning how to do things on your own with out the armor of a friend by your side at all times? So anyway, I am going to check out this new salon on 44th and see what they are all about, I have a coupon so we’ll see what they can do for me.
In other news, Dining Out For Life is coming up next week and though I am not volunteering this year my office is going to a burrito place in Thornton for the event. The timing was a little off for me this year. Luckily, Project Angel Heart will be participating at the People’s Fair and PrideFest in June and I am working with the volunteer coordinator to participate in those events. Max is giving me little hints that he’s interested in participating as well, so we’ll see if he actually signs up when the time comes. We are also trying to get folks involved with FurryScurry sponsored by the Denver Dumb Friends league, so we’ll see how that pans out. I have two people with doggeh’s who are interested in participating and I told them that I need a doggie of my own to walk that day, but have yet to find a fur baby I can borrow and there’s NO way I’m putting Gaia on a leash and parading her big butt all over Washington Park. She’d be absolutely mortified
So life feels pretty good and rewarding. I have days where I really miss my friends and family who are so far away and I’m still chubby and that’s bothering me and probably always will, but for the most part, I am not finding it to hard to feel gratitude at the moment and that is a blessed thing.
Happy Earth Day my friends!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Weekend was really enjoyable, busy, but enjoyable. Matty & Amanda braved the storm to come over for pizza and silly what not’s. I really like Amanda, she is a good egg and has herself way more together then I did at her age. Good for her. Matty looks pretty good all things considered, he’s a trooper and is about as positive as one could get about the whole situation. I love his new cane; as long as he doesn’t chase me with it we’ll be fine. Everyone cross their fingers for a swift recovery from radiation this week, I’ll keep you posted on that front.
Saturday I did some work-work and some house work. Sunday was more of the same, nothing terribly eventful but busy. But this week looks busier then last. I forget how quickly schedules begin to fill up when the weather starts to get warmer. Kim, Nick & Baby Quinn are over for dinner Friday night, Winter Park boy may be in town this week in which case I’m sure we’ll get together and I’m supposed to go with F to look at guitars as he’s the perfect guy to ask for guidance on such subjects. The month of May looks like more of the same and I could see me settling into a pattern this summer of good times with Max and friends AND good times with me. It’s good when we focus on ourselves; it gives us the energy to give of ourselves to others.
I’m also really looking forward to Crystal’s visit over Memorial Day. We go through spurts of being uber connected via phone/text/email and that lulls at times with busy schedules and not enough hours in the day between the two of us. However, even in those lulls I don’t ever really feel disconnected from her and I believe the fact that we’ve had at least one visit per year since she’s moved to Seattle has helped to maintain that bond. I know that her visits to CO are always filled with more people to see in a day then she has days, but she always makes lots of extra time for me and I am grateful to her for that. I know this visit will be extra special since she’s staying at my house and my main concern is that she is comfortable. Dane and I have been talking more also and that’s been really good. The married Dane and the Dane I know from CO are vastly changed beings and I am enjoying getting to know him again here and there. I’ve decided I will call him more often, he seems to respond to that and maybe he just needed a little nudge. I am blessed to have friendships with both of them as individuals and as a couple.
After Crystal’s visit I’m hoping to get to Albuquerque to see Paula. If 4th of July does pan out, Max and I will probably take that whole week off and go on our own mini vacation of CO before heading out to P’s for 4th of July weekend. If I can afford it, I think I’d like to hit Ouray and head over to Pagosa Springs and do some hiking and maybe horseback riding. Max will love it.
As for other travel plans, sadly I don’t see us getting out of CO this year. My savings account simply doesn’t have adequate funds to commit to it, nor will it by end of year. Not to mention my PTO from work. I’m down almost 5 full days from last year due to my injury and subsequent time on the couch. I also used some during the move, so I’ve got about 6 left which isn’t much for the rest of the year. A minor annoyance really, but it could’ve been so much worse. I am still unbelievably thank full at how that whole situation turned out. Anyway, July is probably our big vacation for the year and that’s it.
Mj will be out of school soon which always presents its own challenges. I’m anxious about him being busy during the day as summers are prime for trouble, I’m encouraging him to find a job and he’ll have summer school for English from last semester. If he doesn’t bomb in Math this semester, he’ll get to do summer school online. If not, it’ll be the real deal in an actual class every day. It’s a huge motivator for him, that’s for sure. The idea of sitting in a class room a few hours a day when he should be “off” I know is a bit of a kick in the rear for him. He’s working so hard, he really is….he just struggles on tests and 75% of his grade is test grade in this Math class. I never really know how to help him on the test taking itself. He clearly knows the material, his homework assignments are always A’s and B’s. I think he rushes through the tests (like just about anything school related because there ARE far more important things to do like ride BMX with Steven or talk to Tasha on the phone LOL) and doesn’t check his work when he’s done. We are working on slowwwwing it down for the dear boy and that does seem to help some. We’ll see, math still could be in his summer school future if he doesn’t pull it together in the next 4 weeks.
In other Max news his visit w/ his father doesn’t seem to have any negative lasting effects. In fact, it seems the opposite. We had a few days of snotty comments and abrasive remarks, but that was expected and momma bear didn’t growl too much. Otherwise, he’s been great. Very helpful, communicative, not quite so withdrawn and generally I’d say we’ve got a pretty happy teenager on our hands. I also suspect some of it is the house, he’s really happy there. We are happy there together. He’s changing so much, sometimes I get these glimpses of him as an adult and I just hope he and I will remain close on some level throughout his life so I get to be around to see him grow into the really special dood I think he’s going to be. I expect we will honestly, it’s hard to believe we’d go through so much together and NOT stay close after the initial “get out of my life Mom” phase. He’s talking about La Crosse next year at school, let’s hope he goes for it…Max is such an athlete; I do hope he gives it a shot.
The moisture from last week has made everything absolutely gorgeous already and now comes a favorite time of year of mine in Colorado. Spring here can be incredible, especially if we get a bunch of weather in April, which we have. So, I am eager to get the yard cleaned up and planted. That’s kind of on my agenda in my ‘spare’ time this week. One of my favorite things about this house is that I don’t feel like I am constantly scrubbing, wiping, shinning or otherwise hunched over things trying to make it sparkle. One small bathroom to clean, one kitchen, one level. The floor is super easy, a sweep it every few days and wash it with vinegar once a week or so. It’s super easy to keep clean and I love it, it leaves me with so much more free time for which anyone would be happy I’m sure.
Pumpkin is hanging in there, she’s sleeping a lot and it’s clear she’s kind of at the end, but I think she is comfortable. No seizures for 3 weeks now I want to say? She’s such a special animal, I will surely miss her when the time comes but I think we are both more comfortable with how things are going right now. I think we both know it’s going to be any time now, it might be days or weeks….but soon. I can feel it and I’ve not been able to say that before which is why the decision to euthanize her has been so hard.
Work is good. I had a mini meltdown this weekend about whether or not I can really swing this .Net stuff now that it’s in my lap. I got here today, it’s really tough stuff…I’m not going to pretend I’m NOT struggling with the learning curve. But I expected that and my employers and fellow developers are more patient then I am with myself. I require knowledge and experience on a subject to feel confident that I know what I am doing. That will take time. I’ll get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day or some such cliché.
Today is the 10th anniversary of Columbine. It’s still pretty difficult to digest; especially when you’ve heard the tapes and read the transcripts and now that the detail has all come to the surface. It’s pretty horrifying. For all of us, I’m sure those not living in Co can feel it as well. Those moments never fade from your memory, the shock of those experiences live through you pretty authentically for a life time I imagine. Every generation has them and they should be acknowledged so that those kids and teachers know they are loved and not forgotten. Every year my heart breaks for those families who lost their loved ones and that heart break makes me remember. Those kids deserve that at the very least.
Saturday I did some work-work and some house work. Sunday was more of the same, nothing terribly eventful but busy. But this week looks busier then last. I forget how quickly schedules begin to fill up when the weather starts to get warmer. Kim, Nick & Baby Quinn are over for dinner Friday night, Winter Park boy may be in town this week in which case I’m sure we’ll get together and I’m supposed to go with F to look at guitars as he’s the perfect guy to ask for guidance on such subjects. The month of May looks like more of the same and I could see me settling into a pattern this summer of good times with Max and friends AND good times with me. It’s good when we focus on ourselves; it gives us the energy to give of ourselves to others.
I’m also really looking forward to Crystal’s visit over Memorial Day. We go through spurts of being uber connected via phone/text/email and that lulls at times with busy schedules and not enough hours in the day between the two of us. However, even in those lulls I don’t ever really feel disconnected from her and I believe the fact that we’ve had at least one visit per year since she’s moved to Seattle has helped to maintain that bond. I know that her visits to CO are always filled with more people to see in a day then she has days, but she always makes lots of extra time for me and I am grateful to her for that. I know this visit will be extra special since she’s staying at my house and my main concern is that she is comfortable. Dane and I have been talking more also and that’s been really good. The married Dane and the Dane I know from CO are vastly changed beings and I am enjoying getting to know him again here and there. I’ve decided I will call him more often, he seems to respond to that and maybe he just needed a little nudge. I am blessed to have friendships with both of them as individuals and as a couple.
After Crystal’s visit I’m hoping to get to Albuquerque to see Paula. If 4th of July does pan out, Max and I will probably take that whole week off and go on our own mini vacation of CO before heading out to P’s for 4th of July weekend. If I can afford it, I think I’d like to hit Ouray and head over to Pagosa Springs and do some hiking and maybe horseback riding. Max will love it.
As for other travel plans, sadly I don’t see us getting out of CO this year. My savings account simply doesn’t have adequate funds to commit to it, nor will it by end of year. Not to mention my PTO from work. I’m down almost 5 full days from last year due to my injury and subsequent time on the couch. I also used some during the move, so I’ve got about 6 left which isn’t much for the rest of the year. A minor annoyance really, but it could’ve been so much worse. I am still unbelievably thank full at how that whole situation turned out. Anyway, July is probably our big vacation for the year and that’s it.
Mj will be out of school soon which always presents its own challenges. I’m anxious about him being busy during the day as summers are prime for trouble, I’m encouraging him to find a job and he’ll have summer school for English from last semester. If he doesn’t bomb in Math this semester, he’ll get to do summer school online. If not, it’ll be the real deal in an actual class every day. It’s a huge motivator for him, that’s for sure. The idea of sitting in a class room a few hours a day when he should be “off” I know is a bit of a kick in the rear for him. He’s working so hard, he really is….he just struggles on tests and 75% of his grade is test grade in this Math class. I never really know how to help him on the test taking itself. He clearly knows the material, his homework assignments are always A’s and B’s. I think he rushes through the tests (like just about anything school related because there ARE far more important things to do like ride BMX with Steven or talk to Tasha on the phone LOL) and doesn’t check his work when he’s done. We are working on slowwwwing it down for the dear boy and that does seem to help some. We’ll see, math still could be in his summer school future if he doesn’t pull it together in the next 4 weeks.
In other Max news his visit w/ his father doesn’t seem to have any negative lasting effects. In fact, it seems the opposite. We had a few days of snotty comments and abrasive remarks, but that was expected and momma bear didn’t growl too much. Otherwise, he’s been great. Very helpful, communicative, not quite so withdrawn and generally I’d say we’ve got a pretty happy teenager on our hands. I also suspect some of it is the house, he’s really happy there. We are happy there together. He’s changing so much, sometimes I get these glimpses of him as an adult and I just hope he and I will remain close on some level throughout his life so I get to be around to see him grow into the really special dood I think he’s going to be. I expect we will honestly, it’s hard to believe we’d go through so much together and NOT stay close after the initial “get out of my life Mom” phase. He’s talking about La Crosse next year at school, let’s hope he goes for it…Max is such an athlete; I do hope he gives it a shot.
The moisture from last week has made everything absolutely gorgeous already and now comes a favorite time of year of mine in Colorado. Spring here can be incredible, especially if we get a bunch of weather in April, which we have. So, I am eager to get the yard cleaned up and planted. That’s kind of on my agenda in my ‘spare’ time this week. One of my favorite things about this house is that I don’t feel like I am constantly scrubbing, wiping, shinning or otherwise hunched over things trying to make it sparkle. One small bathroom to clean, one kitchen, one level. The floor is super easy, a sweep it every few days and wash it with vinegar once a week or so. It’s super easy to keep clean and I love it, it leaves me with so much more free time for which anyone would be happy I’m sure.
Pumpkin is hanging in there, she’s sleeping a lot and it’s clear she’s kind of at the end, but I think she is comfortable. No seizures for 3 weeks now I want to say? She’s such a special animal, I will surely miss her when the time comes but I think we are both more comfortable with how things are going right now. I think we both know it’s going to be any time now, it might be days or weeks….but soon. I can feel it and I’ve not been able to say that before which is why the decision to euthanize her has been so hard.
Work is good. I had a mini meltdown this weekend about whether or not I can really swing this .Net stuff now that it’s in my lap. I got here today, it’s really tough stuff…I’m not going to pretend I’m NOT struggling with the learning curve. But I expected that and my employers and fellow developers are more patient then I am with myself. I require knowledge and experience on a subject to feel confident that I know what I am doing. That will take time. I’ll get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day or some such cliché.
Today is the 10th anniversary of Columbine. It’s still pretty difficult to digest; especially when you’ve heard the tapes and read the transcripts and now that the detail has all come to the surface. It’s pretty horrifying. For all of us, I’m sure those not living in Co can feel it as well. Those moments never fade from your memory, the shock of those experiences live through you pretty authentically for a life time I imagine. Every generation has them and they should be acknowledged so that those kids and teachers know they are loved and not forgotten. Every year my heart breaks for those families who lost their loved ones and that heart break makes me remember. Those kids deserve that at the very least.
Friday, April 17, 2009
wow, Friday alllzready?
This week flew by in a flurry of activity (ha, made that funny again P!) and I can’t believe it’s Friday already? I love it. It’s not that I wish to squander my days away; I just enjoy being productive and learning things. Work picked up considerably this week and that always does wonder for my mood. My mind thrives on activity, it craves it…desires it like the heart desires love. So I tend to get a little buzz when work is keeping that part of my brain active and over all I’m a lot happier. This simply reiterates that a valuable work experience really does affect ones life on all levels; we spend 2/3’s of our work days doing it so it should be something that keeps us motivated to get up and can back and do it again the next day.
However, I love it when the weeks fly by because I love my weekends the best. Especially now that the crappy part of moving is over and I’m pittering and making my home “mine.” I am so enjoying the vibe there, the bathroom is finally under control (thanks repairman Rick, you rock!) and my room is really coming along nicely. It really does feel like home there, I don’t know if it’s because it’s more lived in or if it’s cuz I am not as stressed about the financial aspects of managing it or what, but whatever it is it is pretty clear that Max and I are bouncy bunnies about the whole situation. We’ve both been a lot less stressed over all since the move (sans the funk sludge that tried to swallow me earlier this month) and I see it as a positive trend.
For the house: I bought pumpkin, butternut and acorn squash seeds and am working on rooting them. I planted 2 more new house plants and they seem happy. One is a prayer plant and I love it when I go to sleep it’s all folded up in prayer and when the sun comes out, it comes alive and opens back up to greet it. Someone was thinking when they made that plant, like “A HA, this will get the attention of those silly humans and their short attention spans! Look at what a lovely representation of life this plant is!”
Today we are supposed to get about a foot of very wet, April snow that only happens in Colorado as far as I know. It’s the kind that will make driving challenging and being outside sort of off limits, but will also saturate the ground and make all the beautiful spring things come to life. Its 35 today, 60 on Sunday. This truly is the only place I’ve ever lived that is consistently inconsistent. One of our DBA’s just moved here from Nepal in summer 2008. Not only is she just adorable in general (very petite, dark complexion and thick accent with that kind of glimmer in her eye I’ve noticed people from other countries seem to have) her facial expressions and comments when the weather whips up a new surprise for us are truly hysterical. I probably shouldn’t laugh, I’m sure she’s tired of that by now. It’s hard not to though, she’s just so damn cute. You can tell she is genuinely shocked by the fact that it can be 68 on Tuesday and raining/snowing by Thursday night. Like it’s inconceivable even though it is happening. I think this strange coming from someone who lived near the Himalaya mountain range and we all know mountains are a huge weather pattern forming force, but she said the weather is pretty consistent unless you get up on the mountain itself. Huh. Weird.
I remember a real noticeable thing for me when we lived in San Francisco was the seemingly huge lack of weather. Northern California is absolutely beautiful, it is after all on its’ way to becoming Oregon and Washington state so it starts out just as beautifully as it ends. Problem is, in San Fran it’s like humid and hot or humid and mild or humid and kind of chilly, but never really like COLD. The range of temperature there can’t be any more then 20 degree’s in between seasons, where as here you could see that range of temperature in the same day. Wisconsin is the flip side of CA obviously....humid and hot for about one month per year and then it’s like humid and cool, cooler and cold! Colorado is like the bi polar state, one or the other. Up down all over the place, perfect for me As much as I long to be closer to the ocean and my people in the Northern Pacific, I sure do love Colorado.
So since it’s going to be snowing through tomorrow I’ll probably be holed up in the house this weekend puttering some more. I am determined to create the perfect pumpkin patch in the backyard so I have more research to do on that. I also need to write some letters and download some music and organize my iPod. It really needs some love and since I’ve been working out/walking again it really needs to be updated. Even 30 different play lists can get old believe it or not. I am always hungry for new music. I did get the new Incubus and Foo Fighters from Kristen so I’m listening to that on cd in my car (gasp, CD? What’s that….?) and 101.5 pretty regularly. Hey guys at 101.5.....work on your transmission strength, music kicks ass but reception is sketchy at best!
Oh I also plan to do some cooking this weekend. Peppers were on sale at King Soopers, so I went crazy and bought 3 of each color…12 total LOL. I am going to make some salsa, pasta and salmon with red pepper pesto. Max will turn his nose up at all of these things, because this is not “man” food. Man food = meat in all of its possible forms, potatoes, anything fried and copious amounts of chocolate cake or ice cram. No vegetable shall pass his lips unless it’s in the form of a carrot, ice burg lettuce only w/ ranch, green beans, corn and if loaded with butter….brussell sprouts. Yes, my son, the pickiest eater on the planet loves brussel sprouts. But vegetables not on the before mentioned list are off limits. Which includes peppers. So my menu for the weekend will also have to include something for the poor starving child to eat. I also bought a bunch of different types of mushrooms AND he won’t even consider a mushroom, so I am in double trouble. Fungus is a favorite of mine, I worship the mushroom. I think it’s a beautiful little creature and particularly enjoy them in soups, stews, stir fry, omelets and pasta. And 100% raw in salads. Max knows this all to well so if mushrooms of any sort are on the fridge, he will be scanning his dinner plate for any rogue mushroom bits that might’ve made it onto his plate. Even though I’ve always made sure his food is what he likes, while encouraging him to try new things here and there and would never DREAM of sneaking a mushroom in on him, he’s not convinced and has to verify this for himself by picking. I learned the mushroom thing with this kid at about age 3…..mushrooms and spaghetti sauce, NOT toddler friendly food. I like to avoid gagging at my dinner table, thanks though. I will enjoy them this weekends meals sure enough for both of us, he’ll get over it.
I’ve been eating mega veggies this week…funny thing about vegetables, they truly are a feast for all the senses. I also notice that my complexion takes on a slightly less pale tone, like you know….…it’s happy or something! In fact, I’ve had 5 solid days of uber healthy food intake (sans the chocolate truffle blizzard I had from DQ last night that I treated myself for being such a good girl and not cussing out the doctor performing yesterdays procedure) and the house is stocked full of good things, even a few low cal sweets because I just can’t help it….I like chocolate. I like peanut butter. I like ice cream and things like that. And I shall have them………..in moderation. I’m tired of being frenemies with food. It and I shall become like one, a happy union of what’s good and good for me and I’m not going to feel guilty if I have a little bit of ice cream or a peanut butter and banana sandwich with chocolate syrup once in a while. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a plateful of salad and I LOVE salad. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a cup of berries and I LOVE berries. Why should I feel guilty when I have a little bit of low fat/cal sweet things? Or if I DO crave meat once in a while, what’s wrong with that? Nothing and I shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a little bit of everything. Poo poo on whomever it was that taught me to feel guilty when I eat. I suspect I know where it might’ve been brought to my attention. A seemingly innocuous comment made to me by a family member at the very tender and awkward age of 13 about being a “little piggy” at a bbq once set into motion 20 years of feeling like everyone thought I was fat and I am sure I was coddled with food as a very young child (like MOST American children are) so I already had “food” established as a comfort thing and then suddenly it was a bad thing and I was sure everyone thought I was fat and unlovable because I ate so much at that bib that one day. I’m so over it. Tired of fighting it. I’m never going to be a size 8 again, maybe not ever a size 10 or even a 12 again…..but I wasn’t healthy when I was those sizes either….let’s not forget I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day and worked out neurotically. I ate very very little food, probably not enough to really survive on and food was DEFINITELY my enemy then. Then it became my friend again in recent years and I went to the other extreme of eating volumes of bad foods, not exercising my body…..oh but I quit smoking so that makes it all okay? Shyeahhhhhh, ok….I don’t see any monkey’s flying out of my butt so that CANNOT be a true statement. So finally, I am ready to strike up a healthy balance with food and my body. Can we please stop hating and start enjoying again? Thanks. Next subject.
I realize I’m rambling and I should probably get back to work….so off for now. Love to you all.
However, I love it when the weeks fly by because I love my weekends the best. Especially now that the crappy part of moving is over and I’m pittering and making my home “mine.” I am so enjoying the vibe there, the bathroom is finally under control (thanks repairman Rick, you rock!) and my room is really coming along nicely. It really does feel like home there, I don’t know if it’s because it’s more lived in or if it’s cuz I am not as stressed about the financial aspects of managing it or what, but whatever it is it is pretty clear that Max and I are bouncy bunnies about the whole situation. We’ve both been a lot less stressed over all since the move (sans the funk sludge that tried to swallow me earlier this month) and I see it as a positive trend.
For the house: I bought pumpkin, butternut and acorn squash seeds and am working on rooting them. I planted 2 more new house plants and they seem happy. One is a prayer plant and I love it when I go to sleep it’s all folded up in prayer and when the sun comes out, it comes alive and opens back up to greet it. Someone was thinking when they made that plant, like “A HA, this will get the attention of those silly humans and their short attention spans! Look at what a lovely representation of life this plant is!”
Today we are supposed to get about a foot of very wet, April snow that only happens in Colorado as far as I know. It’s the kind that will make driving challenging and being outside sort of off limits, but will also saturate the ground and make all the beautiful spring things come to life. Its 35 today, 60 on Sunday. This truly is the only place I’ve ever lived that is consistently inconsistent. One of our DBA’s just moved here from Nepal in summer 2008. Not only is she just adorable in general (very petite, dark complexion and thick accent with that kind of glimmer in her eye I’ve noticed people from other countries seem to have) her facial expressions and comments when the weather whips up a new surprise for us are truly hysterical. I probably shouldn’t laugh, I’m sure she’s tired of that by now. It’s hard not to though, she’s just so damn cute. You can tell she is genuinely shocked by the fact that it can be 68 on Tuesday and raining/snowing by Thursday night. Like it’s inconceivable even though it is happening. I think this strange coming from someone who lived near the Himalaya mountain range and we all know mountains are a huge weather pattern forming force, but she said the weather is pretty consistent unless you get up on the mountain itself. Huh. Weird.
I remember a real noticeable thing for me when we lived in San Francisco was the seemingly huge lack of weather. Northern California is absolutely beautiful, it is after all on its’ way to becoming Oregon and Washington state so it starts out just as beautifully as it ends. Problem is, in San Fran it’s like humid and hot or humid and mild or humid and kind of chilly, but never really like COLD. The range of temperature there can’t be any more then 20 degree’s in between seasons, where as here you could see that range of temperature in the same day. Wisconsin is the flip side of CA obviously....humid and hot for about one month per year and then it’s like humid and cool, cooler and cold! Colorado is like the bi polar state, one or the other. Up down all over the place, perfect for me As much as I long to be closer to the ocean and my people in the Northern Pacific, I sure do love Colorado.
So since it’s going to be snowing through tomorrow I’ll probably be holed up in the house this weekend puttering some more. I am determined to create the perfect pumpkin patch in the backyard so I have more research to do on that. I also need to write some letters and download some music and organize my iPod. It really needs some love and since I’ve been working out/walking again it really needs to be updated. Even 30 different play lists can get old believe it or not. I am always hungry for new music. I did get the new Incubus and Foo Fighters from Kristen so I’m listening to that on cd in my car (gasp, CD? What’s that….?) and 101.5 pretty regularly. Hey guys at 101.5.....work on your transmission strength, music kicks ass but reception is sketchy at best!
Oh I also plan to do some cooking this weekend. Peppers were on sale at King Soopers, so I went crazy and bought 3 of each color…12 total LOL. I am going to make some salsa, pasta and salmon with red pepper pesto. Max will turn his nose up at all of these things, because this is not “man” food. Man food = meat in all of its possible forms, potatoes, anything fried and copious amounts of chocolate cake or ice cram. No vegetable shall pass his lips unless it’s in the form of a carrot, ice burg lettuce only w/ ranch, green beans, corn and if loaded with butter….brussell sprouts. Yes, my son, the pickiest eater on the planet loves brussel sprouts. But vegetables not on the before mentioned list are off limits. Which includes peppers. So my menu for the weekend will also have to include something for the poor starving child to eat. I also bought a bunch of different types of mushrooms AND he won’t even consider a mushroom, so I am in double trouble. Fungus is a favorite of mine, I worship the mushroom. I think it’s a beautiful little creature and particularly enjoy them in soups, stews, stir fry, omelets and pasta. And 100% raw in salads. Max knows this all to well so if mushrooms of any sort are on the fridge, he will be scanning his dinner plate for any rogue mushroom bits that might’ve made it onto his plate. Even though I’ve always made sure his food is what he likes, while encouraging him to try new things here and there and would never DREAM of sneaking a mushroom in on him, he’s not convinced and has to verify this for himself by picking. I learned the mushroom thing with this kid at about age 3…..mushrooms and spaghetti sauce, NOT toddler friendly food. I like to avoid gagging at my dinner table, thanks though. I will enjoy them this weekends meals sure enough for both of us, he’ll get over it.
I’ve been eating mega veggies this week…funny thing about vegetables, they truly are a feast for all the senses. I also notice that my complexion takes on a slightly less pale tone, like you know….…it’s happy or something! In fact, I’ve had 5 solid days of uber healthy food intake (sans the chocolate truffle blizzard I had from DQ last night that I treated myself for being such a good girl and not cussing out the doctor performing yesterdays procedure) and the house is stocked full of good things, even a few low cal sweets because I just can’t help it….I like chocolate. I like peanut butter. I like ice cream and things like that. And I shall have them………..in moderation. I’m tired of being frenemies with food. It and I shall become like one, a happy union of what’s good and good for me and I’m not going to feel guilty if I have a little bit of ice cream or a peanut butter and banana sandwich with chocolate syrup once in a while. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a plateful of salad and I LOVE salad. I don’t feel guilty when I eat a cup of berries and I LOVE berries. Why should I feel guilty when I have a little bit of low fat/cal sweet things? Or if I DO crave meat once in a while, what’s wrong with that? Nothing and I shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a little bit of everything. Poo poo on whomever it was that taught me to feel guilty when I eat. I suspect I know where it might’ve been brought to my attention. A seemingly innocuous comment made to me by a family member at the very tender and awkward age of 13 about being a “little piggy” at a bbq once set into motion 20 years of feeling like everyone thought I was fat and I am sure I was coddled with food as a very young child (like MOST American children are) so I already had “food” established as a comfort thing and then suddenly it was a bad thing and I was sure everyone thought I was fat and unlovable because I ate so much at that bib that one day. I’m so over it. Tired of fighting it. I’m never going to be a size 8 again, maybe not ever a size 10 or even a 12 again…..but I wasn’t healthy when I was those sizes either….let’s not forget I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day and worked out neurotically. I ate very very little food, probably not enough to really survive on and food was DEFINITELY my enemy then. Then it became my friend again in recent years and I went to the other extreme of eating volumes of bad foods, not exercising my body…..oh but I quit smoking so that makes it all okay? Shyeahhhhhh, ok….I don’t see any monkey’s flying out of my butt so that CANNOT be a true statement. So finally, I am ready to strike up a healthy balance with food and my body. Can we please stop hating and start enjoying again? Thanks. Next subject.
I realize I’m rambling and I should probably get back to work….so off for now. Love to you all.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Weekend(s)
The mood has lifted (as I should always consider when ranting about it) as expected and my weekend was a mixed bag of personal joys, social interactions and communications from afar.
Thursday evening I had a lovely conversation with GramE. What a hip bunch of kids those Conlee grandfolk are! GramE’s energy sounded good and we enjoyed a solid visit. She always makes my eyes twinkle. I also cleaned house and spent a good portion of my evening playing games online, I’m addicted to this game called “QWERTY” on pogo.com.
Friday while Max was at school, I worked on my room, napped and watched Oprah. My bedroom is always my haven and it requires much nurturing to help it to become that, it’s getting there. I’m setting up a space to do yoga, I really do need a proper yoga mat and a band since I’m so out of the yoga loop, but I think I’ve got a nice space set up and I spotted a gorgeous 3 wick candle at Pier1 that I’d like to have in my yoga zone, if I could justify spending the money on it. It’s of the floor candle variety, which are generally well over $50.00, and that’s if they are on sale. I’ll keep my eyes out.
Saturday was more of the same, running errands, doing chores and puttering around the house. Max pissed and moaned about my taking up HIS morning with MY chores (ha) but we got through it and he went to Denver to skate with his buddies and I was left to a quiet house. More boxes of nick knacks unpacked, I found a jar of sand from Monterey Bay that Randall brought back for me years ago. I’d forgotten how dark that sand is. I can never forget how much I miss the beach, it’s all around me in my mind, but the sand itself always gives me a tangible closeness to it. So I put that little guy out, along with my sandcastles, shells, rocks and various pieces of drift wood. This morning as I prepared for my day and wondered through my home I felt such marvel at how almost quite literally I got what I asked for when I found out we’d be loosing the condo. Almost to the very tee. I am overcome by how giving and forgiving the Universe. These are the moments in life in which you might catch Sarah blushing.
Unfortunately, also on Saturday afternoon I got a piece of news from some dear friends and t fertilized my already seeded concerns about these financial times we are living in. I am fearful for this country and how we are going to survive this economy. I am fearful for the security of my own job to be quite frank, I’ve had some whispers of doubt recently about whether I may be next on the growing list of those I know who have been laid off or are unemployed. While I quickly chase those thoughts away, I can’t help but feel it is wise to at least acknowledge it as a possibility, whereas in the past I’ve never really felt that worried here about being laid off from my current employer. It would make sense to cut the fat to so to speak and since I am low man on the developer’s totem pole and someone else was just let go which almost NEVER happens here, it’s not something that would completely surprise me at this point either. I will work not to dwell on these thoughts and focus on the positives.
Saturday evening upon Max’s return from Denver, we proceeded to host an impromptu dinner at our house with Kristen’s family, including two of Bethany’s cousins who reminded me that our children (Bethany and Max) are not at all as close to rebellious or out of control as some teenagers are. Not even a little. Bethany and Max were like shinning little angels in comparison with these two, it was a little shocking. I’ve known these girls since they were born and they’ve grown into absolutely beautiful young women as we always suspected….but I’m appreciative of that fact that they aren’t living in my house, that’s all I can say. Kristen and I then spent the remainder of the evening drinking Captain & Coke, with one eye open on the 5 teenagers running rampant through our homes, dying Easter eggs and watching “Twilight.” Oh can I just say……………….now I totally get it! I’ll be adding that movie/book series to my wish list for sure. I know I’m like 15 years older then these characters, but let’s just say I can see the appeal of girls all over the planet. Now the rest of the world seems to have inherited my strong leanings toward pasty-blue/green-eyed-moody Brits! Yessss, victory is mine!
Easter Sunday it rained all day in Denver (very fitting after watching Twilight twice in one night) and Max and I spent oh…….probably about the whole day napping, snuggling, snacking, teasing the cats and watching the birds dive bomb bugs and worms. My son truly is my best buddy in so many ways, we hang out a lot together and I love that he’s 16 and not afraid to sit next to his momma on a rainy day with a blanket and some Chinese food and enjoy it with her. Lucky momma indeed!
And now the week begins…..plans/tasks as follows:
a) Walk/work out every day (except Sunday)
b) Get the repair dood out to the house to fix the tub, sink, toilet and light fixture in the office
c) File my taxes (slight problem with short term disability W2’s from last year and I’m still waiting from corporate on that)
d) Continue with unpacking/organizing
e) Bills/chores/blah blah blah
f) Figure out what to cook for four people that’s in my budget (my mom’s bday is the 21st)
Thursday evening I had a lovely conversation with GramE. What a hip bunch of kids those Conlee grandfolk are! GramE’s energy sounded good and we enjoyed a solid visit. She always makes my eyes twinkle. I also cleaned house and spent a good portion of my evening playing games online, I’m addicted to this game called “QWERTY” on pogo.com.
Friday while Max was at school, I worked on my room, napped and watched Oprah. My bedroom is always my haven and it requires much nurturing to help it to become that, it’s getting there. I’m setting up a space to do yoga, I really do need a proper yoga mat and a band since I’m so out of the yoga loop, but I think I’ve got a nice space set up and I spotted a gorgeous 3 wick candle at Pier1 that I’d like to have in my yoga zone, if I could justify spending the money on it. It’s of the floor candle variety, which are generally well over $50.00, and that’s if they are on sale. I’ll keep my eyes out.
Saturday was more of the same, running errands, doing chores and puttering around the house. Max pissed and moaned about my taking up HIS morning with MY chores (ha) but we got through it and he went to Denver to skate with his buddies and I was left to a quiet house. More boxes of nick knacks unpacked, I found a jar of sand from Monterey Bay that Randall brought back for me years ago. I’d forgotten how dark that sand is. I can never forget how much I miss the beach, it’s all around me in my mind, but the sand itself always gives me a tangible closeness to it. So I put that little guy out, along with my sandcastles, shells, rocks and various pieces of drift wood. This morning as I prepared for my day and wondered through my home I felt such marvel at how almost quite literally I got what I asked for when I found out we’d be loosing the condo. Almost to the very tee. I am overcome by how giving and forgiving the Universe. These are the moments in life in which you might catch Sarah blushing.
Unfortunately, also on Saturday afternoon I got a piece of news from some dear friends and t fertilized my already seeded concerns about these financial times we are living in. I am fearful for this country and how we are going to survive this economy. I am fearful for the security of my own job to be quite frank, I’ve had some whispers of doubt recently about whether I may be next on the growing list of those I know who have been laid off or are unemployed. While I quickly chase those thoughts away, I can’t help but feel it is wise to at least acknowledge it as a possibility, whereas in the past I’ve never really felt that worried here about being laid off from my current employer. It would make sense to cut the fat to so to speak and since I am low man on the developer’s totem pole and someone else was just let go which almost NEVER happens here, it’s not something that would completely surprise me at this point either. I will work not to dwell on these thoughts and focus on the positives.
Saturday evening upon Max’s return from Denver, we proceeded to host an impromptu dinner at our house with Kristen’s family, including two of Bethany’s cousins who reminded me that our children (Bethany and Max) are not at all as close to rebellious or out of control as some teenagers are. Not even a little. Bethany and Max were like shinning little angels in comparison with these two, it was a little shocking. I’ve known these girls since they were born and they’ve grown into absolutely beautiful young women as we always suspected….but I’m appreciative of that fact that they aren’t living in my house, that’s all I can say. Kristen and I then spent the remainder of the evening drinking Captain & Coke, with one eye open on the 5 teenagers running rampant through our homes, dying Easter eggs and watching “Twilight.” Oh can I just say……………….now I totally get it! I’ll be adding that movie/book series to my wish list for sure. I know I’m like 15 years older then these characters, but let’s just say I can see the appeal of girls all over the planet. Now the rest of the world seems to have inherited my strong leanings toward pasty-blue/green-eyed-moody Brits! Yessss, victory is mine!
Easter Sunday it rained all day in Denver (very fitting after watching Twilight twice in one night) and Max and I spent oh…….probably about the whole day napping, snuggling, snacking, teasing the cats and watching the birds dive bomb bugs and worms. My son truly is my best buddy in so many ways, we hang out a lot together and I love that he’s 16 and not afraid to sit next to his momma on a rainy day with a blanket and some Chinese food and enjoy it with her. Lucky momma indeed!
And now the week begins…..plans/tasks as follows:
a) Walk/work out every day (except Sunday)
b) Get the repair dood out to the house to fix the tub, sink, toilet and light fixture in the office
c) File my taxes (slight problem with short term disability W2’s from last year and I’m still waiting from corporate on that)
d) Continue with unpacking/organizing
e) Bills/chores/blah blah blah
f) Figure out what to cook for four people that’s in my budget (my mom’s bday is the 21st)
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Mood? Elevating.....Confusion Level? Also Elevating.....
I’m going to the doc today to switch up the allergy meds (because my nose is either running off my face or creating a pressurized cabin inside my melon) and see if they can give me something for the apparently looming migraine. I went like how long? 6 months, a year or more? I’ve even had red wine a few times (a sure fire trigger) with no negative result. Something triggered it though; I’ve had a headache for about a week now. It seems to be building steam. Getting to that point where light and noise make me want to be somewhere very dark and quite. I realize that it could be psychosomatic….my body reacting to the annoying blue tint my world seems to have taken on in recent weeks. Surely the very LOCATION of the physical discomfort would suggest that, don’t you think? What a vicious cycle, the grumpy makes my physical body react; the physical reaction makes me grumpy.
But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.
I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?
I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!
The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?
This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?
Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.
Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.
Xoxo’s
S
But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.
I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?
I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!
The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?
This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?
Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.
Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.
Xoxo’s
S
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Frank The Rabbit
Mmmm, so Tuesday is shaping up to be a better day. Turns out copious amounts of sleep and chocolate really do have health promoting qualities…too bad I can’t figure out how stay on task with copious amounts of exercise and loving myself right? Oh well, I’ll take when I can get for today. I am still dragging ass though, my whole body feels like it’s under water. Why does this stuff pull my down so deeply physically as well? My energy just goes right down the toilet and my only aspirations involved being snuggled up in my bed, reading and snuggling my cats or eating. Total double whammy. The funk isn’t gone, but it’s tolerable today. I can function at least. As much as I’d resisted posting all my negativity outwardly, I did feel better afterward so perhaps I should let go a little and document where I’m at regardless of my fears. Being fearless is a skill I’m still honing:) Maybe I’ll work on that one in therapy too.
Today I was at Barnes & Nobles (sorry Aunty, they didn’t have the book you recommended but I found another deliciously spicy one I think) and I could very literally feel the clerk judging my choices as I was checking out. I read the classics. I read empowering books about women. I read books by authors who hardly have to work at being fabulous and authors working way too hard to be fabulous. I read short stories, novels and everything in between. I read non-fiction about quantum physics and Buddhism and Taoism and Paganism and books that are really hard for me to wrap my head around but I read them anyway because I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy the books that make me slow it down and contemplate. I read biographical books about those who have formed our societies, one way or the other. I also read books about dead musicians and artists who committed suicide and drug addicts and sex workers and people who have lived lives to depths I will probably never understand, but can possibly relate to based on my own experiences of brushing up against some of those depths.
I have watched from the side-lines (i.e…my fearlessness hidden away for another day) and then switched gears and jumped into life head first without even blinking. I can go from the “I don’t try anything, I just do it!” mentality to the “over-think it, process it until it’s a little nub of annoyance in the back of my day to day” mentality in moments. Sometimes I feel like a wide eyed bunny, happily content to hop along and live life without questioning anything who suddenly bumps into Frank The Rabbit from “Donnie Darko” and follows him down the Tangent Universe rabbit hole. I know I am not alone. I know that most, if not all of us, are questioning our purpose, experiencing the plague of self-doubt and then the reward of self-discovery. We are all grappling with our pasts, wondering about our futures and trying desperately to make sense of our current existence. I also think we are all just trying to do the best we can, be the best people we can and not everyone succeeds. Not everyone succeeds at life period. And to me, all art forms reflect this struggle of the human condition.
That’s why I read books about situations and people that might make the clerk who checked me out uncomfortable. These stories of those who have overcome adversities, of those who have experienced such trial and tribulation and came out of it all the wiser and are willing to share that wisdom with others…they give me hope. I think it’s honorable and I admire them for having the balls to share things we don’t tell our best friends or mothers. I think it’s brave for authors to explore subjects that force us to consider things we might not otherwise even ever think to. Some of you who know may question why I would subject myself to yet more stories of hardships because let’s face it kids, I’ve surely seen enough of my own and been close to a number of painful situations with those that I love. I’ve cried enough to tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Admittedly, there have been some books I have put down simply because it was just too painful or caused some spark of post traumatic stress. But that becomes rarer as my skin gets thicker and life experiences teach me how unfair and sometimes unpractical our time on earth is, except it always ends up teaching us something incredible one way or another. I’d also like to think I’m not such a damaged drama-monger that I don’t read these books to revel in the pain of others. I refuse to believe that - even if I get a little jolt out of the shock value of some of these stories because my nature is extreme so it takes A LOT to shock me – my self assessment is that I pick out books that call to me, no matter the subject or content.
I think next time I am hitting Barnes & Nobles, I might just dress in my most professional attire, with my hair and make up perfect, nails done and looking fabulous and go buy a book on demon worshipping child care workers who run a brothel out of their child care center on the weekends. And make SURE I find this same clerk. THAT would be a really good time.
:)
Today I was at Barnes & Nobles (sorry Aunty, they didn’t have the book you recommended but I found another deliciously spicy one I think) and I could very literally feel the clerk judging my choices as I was checking out. I read the classics. I read empowering books about women. I read books by authors who hardly have to work at being fabulous and authors working way too hard to be fabulous. I read short stories, novels and everything in between. I read non-fiction about quantum physics and Buddhism and Taoism and Paganism and books that are really hard for me to wrap my head around but I read them anyway because I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy the books that make me slow it down and contemplate. I read biographical books about those who have formed our societies, one way or the other. I also read books about dead musicians and artists who committed suicide and drug addicts and sex workers and people who have lived lives to depths I will probably never understand, but can possibly relate to based on my own experiences of brushing up against some of those depths.
I have watched from the side-lines (i.e…my fearlessness hidden away for another day) and then switched gears and jumped into life head first without even blinking. I can go from the “I don’t try anything, I just do it!” mentality to the “over-think it, process it until it’s a little nub of annoyance in the back of my day to day” mentality in moments. Sometimes I feel like a wide eyed bunny, happily content to hop along and live life without questioning anything who suddenly bumps into Frank The Rabbit from “Donnie Darko” and follows him down the Tangent Universe rabbit hole. I know I am not alone. I know that most, if not all of us, are questioning our purpose, experiencing the plague of self-doubt and then the reward of self-discovery. We are all grappling with our pasts, wondering about our futures and trying desperately to make sense of our current existence. I also think we are all just trying to do the best we can, be the best people we can and not everyone succeeds. Not everyone succeeds at life period. And to me, all art forms reflect this struggle of the human condition.
That’s why I read books about situations and people that might make the clerk who checked me out uncomfortable. These stories of those who have overcome adversities, of those who have experienced such trial and tribulation and came out of it all the wiser and are willing to share that wisdom with others…they give me hope. I think it’s honorable and I admire them for having the balls to share things we don’t tell our best friends or mothers. I think it’s brave for authors to explore subjects that force us to consider things we might not otherwise even ever think to. Some of you who know may question why I would subject myself to yet more stories of hardships because let’s face it kids, I’ve surely seen enough of my own and been close to a number of painful situations with those that I love. I’ve cried enough to tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Admittedly, there have been some books I have put down simply because it was just too painful or caused some spark of post traumatic stress. But that becomes rarer as my skin gets thicker and life experiences teach me how unfair and sometimes unpractical our time on earth is, except it always ends up teaching us something incredible one way or another. I’d also like to think I’m not such a damaged drama-monger that I don’t read these books to revel in the pain of others. I refuse to believe that - even if I get a little jolt out of the shock value of some of these stories because my nature is extreme so it takes A LOT to shock me – my self assessment is that I pick out books that call to me, no matter the subject or content.
I think next time I am hitting Barnes & Nobles, I might just dress in my most professional attire, with my hair and make up perfect, nails done and looking fabulous and go buy a book on demon worshipping child care workers who run a brothel out of their child care center on the weekends. And make SURE I find this same clerk. THAT would be a really good time.
:)
Monday, April 06, 2009
I haven’t really felt like blogging lately, there’s just too much to think about, to much to figure out…..anyone know that song? If not, here’s the link: http://www.lyricstime.com/todd-snider-statistician-s-blues-lyrics.html
The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!
The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…
And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!
But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..
I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.
Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!
The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!
The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…
And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!
But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..
I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.
Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's Fun To Ride The Waves, Especially The Really High Ones!
This weekend was incredible. I am at that fun part of moving where you get to start unpacking pictures and nick nacks and the little trinkets we surround ourselves for whatever reason. It’s amazing what you find that you’ve forgotten about, things that make you smile or bring back memories. And since we are mostly “functional” at this point (as in the kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms and main living area’s are mostly put together) I can slow it down a little and focus on arranging my home in a manner that suits me. The relief I feel about having found such a sweet little place to call home has given me a pretty big buzz at the moment. The Universe gave me so much to work with and so much opportunity in this situation that it’s hard not to feel overcome with gratitude. And something like victorious, in fact I’m achieving a series of minor victories as of late on many fronts and it’s pretty satisfying to feel the flutterings of confidence again. Right now, life has a new light about it. I find myself feeling less selfish for living for me; for making decisions for myself that are in my own best interest, in spite of what others might say or think. I am sure there is a balance I must strike here to avoid becoming self-absorbed and narcissistic (ugh, someone shake me if that comes about please) but at the moment I am exploring the days to days of making healthy decisions for myself, including how I interact with my own son. Even with him, I find myself putting down boundaries and making attempts to more effectively communicate with him. It seems to go a long way with him and in turn, comes back to me. Like all I things I suppose, someone recently said to me “I think the least amount of shit you’ll put with is what will come to you.” I see this as a very different thing then the concept of intolerance, to me this says “put out to Universe what your limits are as you discover them and they will be respected” or something along those lines.
Indeed, another great phase of introspection and personal development for this little duck. I keep trying ride the highs and just enjoy them, try to avoid creating unnecessary drama and take this as an opportunity to start anew. And what better timing with Spring and all? Wow, how lucky am I?
Indeed, another great phase of introspection and personal development for this little duck. I keep trying ride the highs and just enjoy them, try to avoid creating unnecessary drama and take this as an opportunity to start anew. And what better timing with Spring and all? Wow, how lucky am I?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Worn Out
We ran into a slight snafu Monday night when we the entire septic system backed up in my bathroom because we flushed the toilet and had the washer going. What a mess. Plumbers came out yesterday and fixed it. Apparently there’s a trend of rentals that have been vacant for some time flooding as of late because they sit vacant for 3 or 6 months and with how arid it is in CO right now, everything dries out and settles. Then a new tenant moves in and starts using the hot water and what not and all that nastiness expands very rapidly and causes all kinds of problems. Plus, the plumber said that septic system probably hasn’t been snaked in at least 5 years. Ew.
But it’s over now and it all really turned out to be a blessing in disguise because since I had to stay home yesterday and deal with all of this madness and clean up after it as a result, I ended up getting quite a bit done around the house. The living room and office are at least functional now. As it his bathroom thank goodness. I got the kitchen put together Monday night before we discovered the flood in the bathroom, so things are moving along well.
Not surprisingly, I’m exhausted. My leg/ankle is letting me know it’s there, it’s swollen and sore. Iced it last night along with 3 ibuprofen, that helped a lot. Plus, I keep going at that bathroom with a bottle of bleach, I’m not even going to give any of that an opportunity to fester or mold.
We also did a little work on the lawn last night, started watering and raking. I feel bad for that grass, trying to so hard to survive. If our summer is anything like our winter, we are in for a long, hot and dry summer. I can’t stress again how concerned I am about the fire danger in CO. Probably because my mother has almost lost her house twice to forest fire and it’s pretty freaky stuff. We’ve already had like 3 fires in Boulder and surrounding area’s where it gets a lot of wind. This little girl knows better then to play with fire, it’s a delicate force. I hope my mountains make it through the summer unscorched.
Max is going to his Dad’s for Spring Break soon. Sean called last night. He makes me cringe, have I mentioned that? I’m like on instant alert second his presence is felt. Can anyone say post traumatic stress? Max and I had a heart to heart last week about some issues that have recently stemmed from his interactions with Sean. Max is forming his own idea’s about who his dad is and who I am as well. He’s at that age where parents start to become human and boy is he in for a shocker. I rmember that moment with my own mother, except I was well into my 20’s before I ever gave her an inch. At 16, I see some signs that Max gets it that parents are people too. Good stuff. Except, he’s not *quite* there yet. I am not sure what kind of feedback he gets from his father about me, but it’s quite clear that Max has some interesting idea’s about how child support works and how much money his father has given us. He also hasn’t quite put the facts together about timelines and that fact that has dad has mostly been absent up until recently and this isn’t ALL my doing. Max is trying not to pick sides, I can see that. But he sometimes feels the need to defend Sean and his choices. It’s very sad. Harder still is that more often then not, all his defenses and even attacks at times are all directly squarely in my direction. I realize this is natural, I’m his mom after all and I’ve been the solid for as long as he can remember. So it makes sense that he’ll lash out at me. He knows in his heart that I love him unconditionally. But I think he also feels a sense of alliance with his father when he defends Sean. As if it somehow unites them. Naturally, this tickles my sense of justice and momma bear protectiveness, but I am able to see that it will pass. Sean will only hurt himself in the long run by talking negatively about me to Max. My son is confused about many things as are to be expected for a child in his situation, this is tough stuff. But he is protective of his momma. It’s that whole idea of “I can talk as about much shit about my mom as I want, but when YOU do it, it’s really not ok.” I often wonder how Max would feel if he heard how Sean talks to me on the phone when he knows Max is out of earshot. It’s pretty shoddy to say the least. I’ll leave it alone, but I do wonder sometimes because I get the sense that it might give Max insights into his father that he doesn’t know. But I would never do it of course because Max needs to make his own decisions about his dad, he doesn’t need my help. I have a completely biased opinion of Sean; Max never needs to know why. It’s best I just stay out of it and give them all the space they need to figure out their relationship. It’s not easy. At all. I’m already feeling some panic about taking Max to WY and leaving him there. There is a lot of deep breathing going on regarding the whole subject, but I know it’s all going to be ok in the end. I just wish Sean at 40 years old could act as maturely as his own 16 year old son. Sigh.
Well, I should get to work I suppose. We have a luncheon at Zen Café today which is DA BOMB so I’m looking forward to that. They have pretty decent sushi so I’ll be all over that for sure. Tonight when I get home I really need to work on my room so I can get up in the morning and not bang into boxes. You should see the bruises; I look like a mi tai fighter kicked the crap out of me.
But it’s over now and it all really turned out to be a blessing in disguise because since I had to stay home yesterday and deal with all of this madness and clean up after it as a result, I ended up getting quite a bit done around the house. The living room and office are at least functional now. As it his bathroom thank goodness. I got the kitchen put together Monday night before we discovered the flood in the bathroom, so things are moving along well.
Not surprisingly, I’m exhausted. My leg/ankle is letting me know it’s there, it’s swollen and sore. Iced it last night along with 3 ibuprofen, that helped a lot. Plus, I keep going at that bathroom with a bottle of bleach, I’m not even going to give any of that an opportunity to fester or mold.
We also did a little work on the lawn last night, started watering and raking. I feel bad for that grass, trying to so hard to survive. If our summer is anything like our winter, we are in for a long, hot and dry summer. I can’t stress again how concerned I am about the fire danger in CO. Probably because my mother has almost lost her house twice to forest fire and it’s pretty freaky stuff. We’ve already had like 3 fires in Boulder and surrounding area’s where it gets a lot of wind. This little girl knows better then to play with fire, it’s a delicate force. I hope my mountains make it through the summer unscorched.
Max is going to his Dad’s for Spring Break soon. Sean called last night. He makes me cringe, have I mentioned that? I’m like on instant alert second his presence is felt. Can anyone say post traumatic stress? Max and I had a heart to heart last week about some issues that have recently stemmed from his interactions with Sean. Max is forming his own idea’s about who his dad is and who I am as well. He’s at that age where parents start to become human and boy is he in for a shocker. I rmember that moment with my own mother, except I was well into my 20’s before I ever gave her an inch. At 16, I see some signs that Max gets it that parents are people too. Good stuff. Except, he’s not *quite* there yet. I am not sure what kind of feedback he gets from his father about me, but it’s quite clear that Max has some interesting idea’s about how child support works and how much money his father has given us. He also hasn’t quite put the facts together about timelines and that fact that has dad has mostly been absent up until recently and this isn’t ALL my doing. Max is trying not to pick sides, I can see that. But he sometimes feels the need to defend Sean and his choices. It’s very sad. Harder still is that more often then not, all his defenses and even attacks at times are all directly squarely in my direction. I realize this is natural, I’m his mom after all and I’ve been the solid for as long as he can remember. So it makes sense that he’ll lash out at me. He knows in his heart that I love him unconditionally. But I think he also feels a sense of alliance with his father when he defends Sean. As if it somehow unites them. Naturally, this tickles my sense of justice and momma bear protectiveness, but I am able to see that it will pass. Sean will only hurt himself in the long run by talking negatively about me to Max. My son is confused about many things as are to be expected for a child in his situation, this is tough stuff. But he is protective of his momma. It’s that whole idea of “I can talk as about much shit about my mom as I want, but when YOU do it, it’s really not ok.” I often wonder how Max would feel if he heard how Sean talks to me on the phone when he knows Max is out of earshot. It’s pretty shoddy to say the least. I’ll leave it alone, but I do wonder sometimes because I get the sense that it might give Max insights into his father that he doesn’t know. But I would never do it of course because Max needs to make his own decisions about his dad, he doesn’t need my help. I have a completely biased opinion of Sean; Max never needs to know why. It’s best I just stay out of it and give them all the space they need to figure out their relationship. It’s not easy. At all. I’m already feeling some panic about taking Max to WY and leaving him there. There is a lot of deep breathing going on regarding the whole subject, but I know it’s all going to be ok in the end. I just wish Sean at 40 years old could act as maturely as his own 16 year old son. Sigh.
Well, I should get to work I suppose. We have a luncheon at Zen Café today which is DA BOMB so I’m looking forward to that. They have pretty decent sushi so I’ll be all over that for sure. Tonight when I get home I really need to work on my room so I can get up in the morning and not bang into boxes. You should see the bruises; I look like a mi tai fighter kicked the crap out of me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sore, bruised, exhausted and lacking sleep....but Oh Happy Day!
I couldn’t have asked for a simpler move. Sans the Washer/Dryer drama which Rhy & Nick spent about 3 hours cussing, getting totally slimed with washer water and frustration beyond even both of their mad patience levels….it really went amazing. The bulk of the move took all of 3 hours, with four trucks and 8 people. Then some straggling items throughout the rest of the day, but for the most part it all went quite smoothly and though we are far from being settled in, we are at the very least, considered “moved.” Shew, I’m glad for it fo shizzle.
Max has been so helpful, I just don’t know what I’d have done without him. What a great kid he is, I’ll file this little nugget for the next visit to the principal’s office or ER
Pumpkin is fairing well with the move for the most part, she’s been through several moves in her 20 years on this planet, and surely she’s not new to this game. I am quite impressed other then how incredibly needy she is. If I’m sitting down anywhere in the house, she has to be on top of me. Drooling. It wearing a little thin on my own patience level at the moment, but I know it will pass with time. She really is a sweet old girl, I sure do love her.
Gaia on the other hand, is having a harder time with the transition. For one, she’s really unhappy about something in either my room or Max’s because she spends a lot of time snooping around back there. In fact, most of her time since we moved in. She also seems to require constant reassurance, she barks and mewls and is making more noise then I’ve heard from her in the past 4 years combined. Max and I figure she may not remember the last move as she was only a few months old and she’s gotten a little older and more set in her ways since then. She is clearly quite unsettled and I really feel for her as this must all be really traumatic. That said however, the humor of her behavior is not lost on anyone in the house. She walks around with her tail poofed up half the time for no apparent reason. The French doors in the back have become an area of great interest as she has the perfect view of the back yard and any critters that might wander through there. She also loves the front window sill and we’ve decided to get an “Attack Cat” sign as she is on high alert for any intruders or anything out of the ordinary. There are also A LOT of dogs and young children in this neighborhood. That’s going to be an adjustment but she really seems pretty pissed about the whole affair. The big joke is that perhaps Gaia see’s something supernatural in the house that us silly humans cannot and trying to warn us vehemently OR she really is just wigging out and big tough scary Gaia is a softie little kitten underneath all that growling and cussing and hissing. Poor thing, I suppose laughing her apparent sense of injustice over the whole situation isn’t very nice.
I have yet to sleep a solid night in the new house, but it’s only night 2 and I know me, it takes me a while to get settled whenever I move. I will say that I feel more comfortable in this house then I expected and nary was a tear shed in saying goodbye to the old place. I think I cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool about the whole situation long ago and once one accepts their fate, one can begin moving on. And I’ve been ready to move on for some time now, something about this move feels like an indicator on the scale of healing for which I am grateful. The new house certainly is a different environment. The building itself and all of its internal appliances are considerably older then my condo. The hardwood floors are going to be an adjustment and I haven’t quite figured out yet how we’ll manage a smaller fridge. But something about the simple and lived in feel this house has is appealing to me. It already feels like home, I love the back yard. I love the character of the place as a whole. I love all the wood and that we have an office now and that it’s an actual house, no shared walls and plenty of room around us. I am looking forward to meals on my back patio, planting vegetables in the back and flowers in the front. I can’t wait to have company and a bed to offer the various friends and family who make there way to or through Colorado in any given year. I don’t mind that the floors creak and that there is one bathroom and it’s small or that all the drains drain verrrrry slowly or that the dishwasher/washer/dryer set up were all obviously after thoughts in the over all kitchen design. Don’t really mind any of that because perhaps there is a part of me that feels good about these things being MY decisions. I feel slightly victorious that we found such a cool place to live and that I’ve come out of this thing finally on top. Not to mention that I can live with challenges when they are totally 100% my decisions and not decisions I felt forced into under duress and or stupid head. So I’ve been feeling a little braver and confident ever since we stepped into this house and for whatever reason that is, I’m running with it and there’s no need to shed tears over the past when I feel more able to embrace the future then I have in some time.
I did find myself crying though over how many people came to my rescue all in the name of pizza and beer. Truly, I was totally overcome with how many people offered to help and actually showed up. Even better, everyone got along very well and I felt a glimmer of true happiness witnessing the various groups of people in my life come together. I also came to the conclusion that I am quite literally surrounded by beautiful people in my social groups, we are all a bunch of hotties! I really don’t’ have the words right now to express how grateful I am for all of them and their help this weekend, including Max’s buddies who came to lend a hand. Everyone busted some serious ass getting this thing done and I appreciate that.
So in spite of the fact that all the dust being kicked up over the move has tickled my allergies a little, that I have bruises all over my legs and arms, that my upper body aches because it is normally lazy and how totally exhausted Max and I both are, we are in high spirits and life is good. I will post some picks after every room isn’t filled with boxes and I get to work on the gardening. I’m thinking we might grow some pumpkins behind the shed come Aug/September. Perfect spot for a little pumpkin patch back there. I’m also thinking that while I’m in no hurry for my own little Pumpkin to find her way to kitty heaven, that is when we will most likely begin thinking about dogs so it will be sometime before that happens unless two little Pugly Uglies just happen to fall in my lap somehow.
Happy Monday kids, love to you all!
Max has been so helpful, I just don’t know what I’d have done without him. What a great kid he is, I’ll file this little nugget for the next visit to the principal’s office or ER
Pumpkin is fairing well with the move for the most part, she’s been through several moves in her 20 years on this planet, and surely she’s not new to this game. I am quite impressed other then how incredibly needy she is. If I’m sitting down anywhere in the house, she has to be on top of me. Drooling. It wearing a little thin on my own patience level at the moment, but I know it will pass with time. She really is a sweet old girl, I sure do love her.
Gaia on the other hand, is having a harder time with the transition. For one, she’s really unhappy about something in either my room or Max’s because she spends a lot of time snooping around back there. In fact, most of her time since we moved in. She also seems to require constant reassurance, she barks and mewls and is making more noise then I’ve heard from her in the past 4 years combined. Max and I figure she may not remember the last move as she was only a few months old and she’s gotten a little older and more set in her ways since then. She is clearly quite unsettled and I really feel for her as this must all be really traumatic. That said however, the humor of her behavior is not lost on anyone in the house. She walks around with her tail poofed up half the time for no apparent reason. The French doors in the back have become an area of great interest as she has the perfect view of the back yard and any critters that might wander through there. She also loves the front window sill and we’ve decided to get an “Attack Cat” sign as she is on high alert for any intruders or anything out of the ordinary. There are also A LOT of dogs and young children in this neighborhood. That’s going to be an adjustment but she really seems pretty pissed about the whole affair. The big joke is that perhaps Gaia see’s something supernatural in the house that us silly humans cannot and trying to warn us vehemently OR she really is just wigging out and big tough scary Gaia is a softie little kitten underneath all that growling and cussing and hissing. Poor thing, I suppose laughing her apparent sense of injustice over the whole situation isn’t very nice.
I have yet to sleep a solid night in the new house, but it’s only night 2 and I know me, it takes me a while to get settled whenever I move. I will say that I feel more comfortable in this house then I expected and nary was a tear shed in saying goodbye to the old place. I think I cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool about the whole situation long ago and once one accepts their fate, one can begin moving on. And I’ve been ready to move on for some time now, something about this move feels like an indicator on the scale of healing for which I am grateful. The new house certainly is a different environment. The building itself and all of its internal appliances are considerably older then my condo. The hardwood floors are going to be an adjustment and I haven’t quite figured out yet how we’ll manage a smaller fridge. But something about the simple and lived in feel this house has is appealing to me. It already feels like home, I love the back yard. I love the character of the place as a whole. I love all the wood and that we have an office now and that it’s an actual house, no shared walls and plenty of room around us. I am looking forward to meals on my back patio, planting vegetables in the back and flowers in the front. I can’t wait to have company and a bed to offer the various friends and family who make there way to or through Colorado in any given year. I don’t mind that the floors creak and that there is one bathroom and it’s small or that all the drains drain verrrrry slowly or that the dishwasher/washer/dryer set up were all obviously after thoughts in the over all kitchen design. Don’t really mind any of that because perhaps there is a part of me that feels good about these things being MY decisions. I feel slightly victorious that we found such a cool place to live and that I’ve come out of this thing finally on top. Not to mention that I can live with challenges when they are totally 100% my decisions and not decisions I felt forced into under duress and or stupid head. So I’ve been feeling a little braver and confident ever since we stepped into this house and for whatever reason that is, I’m running with it and there’s no need to shed tears over the past when I feel more able to embrace the future then I have in some time.
I did find myself crying though over how many people came to my rescue all in the name of pizza and beer. Truly, I was totally overcome with how many people offered to help and actually showed up. Even better, everyone got along very well and I felt a glimmer of true happiness witnessing the various groups of people in my life come together. I also came to the conclusion that I am quite literally surrounded by beautiful people in my social groups, we are all a bunch of hotties! I really don’t’ have the words right now to express how grateful I am for all of them and their help this weekend, including Max’s buddies who came to lend a hand. Everyone busted some serious ass getting this thing done and I appreciate that.
So in spite of the fact that all the dust being kicked up over the move has tickled my allergies a little, that I have bruises all over my legs and arms, that my upper body aches because it is normally lazy and how totally exhausted Max and I both are, we are in high spirits and life is good. I will post some picks after every room isn’t filled with boxes and I get to work on the gardening. I’m thinking we might grow some pumpkins behind the shed come Aug/September. Perfect spot for a little pumpkin patch back there. I’m also thinking that while I’m in no hurry for my own little Pumpkin to find her way to kitty heaven, that is when we will most likely begin thinking about dogs so it will be sometime before that happens unless two little Pugly Uglies just happen to fall in my lap somehow.
Happy Monday kids, love to you all!
Monday, March 09, 2009
Satisfaction and appreciation
My feet are swollen. My ankles, knees and back ache. I am covered from head to toe in a grime I can only describe as "moving stank" which is a combination of dust, dirt and who knows what else that seems to explode on me every time I move something big or make any attempt to organize things that have been sitting for a while. It doesn't seem to wash off. Also because we are literally having THE driest winter on RECORD in Colorado, essentially any and all fluids have been sucked from my body by the arid conditions. Therefore, I am prone to paper cuts, box/cardboard cuts and a lot of static electricity. We are living in a shantytown of boxes, garbage bags and absolutely nothing is in its place. And Max and I are both absolutely exhausted.
The really good news? The REALLY REALLY good news? In spite of all the standard unpleasantness that accompanies moving, I am notably happy and positive. So is Max. We make a pretty stellar team as it turns out and I can't even express how grateful I am for all of his help and with such a patient and cooperative attitude. A strong and willing body goes a long way in these situations, you know?
Additionally, Randall came Saturday to help with some of the bigger preliminaries and get Mary's bookshelf to her and trade her out the one she gave me in return. Thanks Mary:) Back to Randall though, can I just say what a joy it is to work with a competent, patient male who can problem solve and get things done without talking to me like I am stupid or just a “silly woman?” I realized from those few hours of working with Randall and my recent experiences with Richard that I really have a strong appreciation for it. I guess I’m just so used to doing so much on my own that I feel almost overwhelmed by it all. I am so desperately grateful for their help that I think they are both tired of my “thank you’s” and would just prefer I shut up about it already. These are the kind of guy’s that simply see it as their responsibilities as men to help a girl in need out. And not because either of them want anything from me either. THAT's the real dig for me, it's taken me a long long time to get it that this is how guy’s who are really your friends are supposed to be. It's taken knowing Howard and Nick and Bryan and Matt, amongst others, for me to really get it that. This might sound sexist in nature, but understand that this externalizing of my thoughts is just part of my over all figuring out what adult men are all about for me and what my relationships with them are like, historically, in the present and in the ideal future. Its pretty fascinating stuff. And I have to say, even the my kiddo has his days where we’ve both had just about enough of each other, I see the glimmers of a pretty amazing guy behind all that hormonal machismo and I am proud of him for that.
Safe to say that Sarah is learning a lot right now. The move is liberating and empowering and feel’s like something of a relief. Once again, I am overcome by the number of really amazing people in my life and how I am forever gaining insight from my relationships with them.
Good stuff.
More to come as time permits. I ended up taking some time off of work to get everything done so I am going to be pretty focused at work the remainder of this week to get caught up. It’s all a cycle isn’t it?
Anyway, love you all. Big X’s and O’s!
The really good news? The REALLY REALLY good news? In spite of all the standard unpleasantness that accompanies moving, I am notably happy and positive. So is Max. We make a pretty stellar team as it turns out and I can't even express how grateful I am for all of his help and with such a patient and cooperative attitude. A strong and willing body goes a long way in these situations, you know?
Additionally, Randall came Saturday to help with some of the bigger preliminaries and get Mary's bookshelf to her and trade her out the one she gave me in return. Thanks Mary:) Back to Randall though, can I just say what a joy it is to work with a competent, patient male who can problem solve and get things done without talking to me like I am stupid or just a “silly woman?” I realized from those few hours of working with Randall and my recent experiences with Richard that I really have a strong appreciation for it. I guess I’m just so used to doing so much on my own that I feel almost overwhelmed by it all. I am so desperately grateful for their help that I think they are both tired of my “thank you’s” and would just prefer I shut up about it already. These are the kind of guy’s that simply see it as their responsibilities as men to help a girl in need out. And not because either of them want anything from me either. THAT's the real dig for me, it's taken me a long long time to get it that this is how guy’s who are really your friends are supposed to be. It's taken knowing Howard and Nick and Bryan and Matt, amongst others, for me to really get it that. This might sound sexist in nature, but understand that this externalizing of my thoughts is just part of my over all figuring out what adult men are all about for me and what my relationships with them are like, historically, in the present and in the ideal future. Its pretty fascinating stuff. And I have to say, even the my kiddo has his days where we’ve both had just about enough of each other, I see the glimmers of a pretty amazing guy behind all that hormonal machismo and I am proud of him for that.
Safe to say that Sarah is learning a lot right now. The move is liberating and empowering and feel’s like something of a relief. Once again, I am overcome by the number of really amazing people in my life and how I am forever gaining insight from my relationships with them.
Good stuff.
More to come as time permits. I ended up taking some time off of work to get everything done so I am going to be pretty focused at work the remainder of this week to get caught up. It’s all a cycle isn’t it?
Anyway, love you all. Big X’s and O’s!
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Lock the doors and close your curtains.....it's on like Donkey Kong
Crystal is coming to Denver for Memorial Day weekend. She’s staying with me all but one night and there’s going to be much fun. All the way from Texas, Peck will also be joining us to assist in the shenanigans. It will be the first time we’ve all been together in at least 5 years. Holy crapamoli batman, get ready to rumble!
I can’t wait!
I can’t wait!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Cheers To A Better Day
My walk with Mary produced the expected out income in that she always helps me to put things in perspective, especially when I am not able to do so myself. Plus the exercise itself and walking along the beautiful parkway where she lives I think added to a bit of stress relief. I promised myself after our visit that I’d walk half an hour at least 5 days a week OUTSIDE in the sweet Colorado sun that I hold so dear. Surely it’s an important aspect of stress management if I learned anything from previous stressfull situations, it’s that taking care of myself physically during those time periods is a pivotal aspect of conquering the blues or excessive stress or what have you. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully and eating quite well, I’m sure this will also aid in helping me through this transition as well. I was hoping to begin therapy sooner rather then later, but I can’t afford it until after we move, so it’s one of those things that gets put on the back burner until I can, but I am motivated to not let it stay there.
Well, the packing/moving situation is going to be in full swing from this evening on I suspect. I think I may feel a little less burdened once I get that basement completely sorted and packed. There’s so much junk that accumulates, you know? Its nuts!
CHEERS to a much better day and housecleaning, in every sense of the word!
Happy Wednesday!
Well, the packing/moving situation is going to be in full swing from this evening on I suspect. I think I may feel a little less burdened once I get that basement completely sorted and packed. There’s so much junk that accumulates, you know? Its nuts!
CHEERS to a much better day and housecleaning, in every sense of the word!
Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Black Tuesday
It’s a moody Tuesday for sure.
I waxed my eyebrows this morning and one rogue eyebrow resisted. I finally got the little bugger only for it to turn out to be a bleeder.
Much to my dismay, when I went to power up my laptop it wasn’t at my desk. Duh! I forgot it in the car. Out the front door, past the smokers once (how I’ve been craving cigarettes lately, those things are the devil I tell you!) to the car, grab the laptop again and then past the smokers again through the front door. Damn you smokers, can’t you tell a girl is feeling weak over here?
Upon reviewing my work queue for the day an issue has come back to me from the ITC (again) and I don’t know how many different ways I can explain this scenario to them to help them understand that this report IS populating according to the requirements. The requirements need revision before I can adjust the report. And since this particular ITC is in Chicago, getting him on the phone is close to impossible so most communication is done via email, which as well know can leave a certain amount to interpretation. And frankly, I’m interpreting his tone as a little snarky this morning and I don’t appreciate it.
For the last several weeks I’ve had this overwhelming urge to confront my nearest and dearest friend about something that has really been bothering me as of late, but I don’t know how to go about it because I know confronting her won’t resolve a thing. This is who she is, we are different people and this is often celebrated in our friendship, but sometimes it’s a challenge as well. I am that girlfriend that talks on the phone, hangs out, likes to be active with said friend. She is much more introverted, leaves the house only for the nessisary reasons and I cannot tell you how long it’s been since my phone rang and her number came up, at least not without me calling her first. I know this probably sounds very childish to the reader, but it’s been close to 20 years of me feeling like I am putting far more effort into the friendship. She knows me better then probably anyone and I will always love her, sometimes I get tired of being the one to call, the one to try and get her to spend time with me (which is almost impossible, literally) and frankly, why should I put so much effort into someone who seems to care very little about my presence in her life. I’ve even wondered at times if she is merely being polite to me because she cares for Max very deeply. Then I get sweet birthday cards that tells me how much she appreciates me and loves me and so on. Rarely, but on occasion, I am acknowledged as an important part of her life. But I still feel hurt that there seems to be very little, if any, attempts on the other party to call, hang out, jeesh even spend an afternoon with me. This is all probably very silly, like a silly high school scenario, but this situation wears on me at times and I am experiencing a phase in my life where I’m evaluating my relationships and this one in particular seems to keep popping up in the lime light as one that I am not always sure I feel I am being met halfway.
Sigh.
It’s 8 AM and I am tired, bloated and moody. And overwhelmed with the move and all that needs to be done. I want to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and go home and pack my basement. I know this is a total bitch session and my apologies for spewing all this poo poo out to the world, but I have to get it out or I’ll cry and I’ve avoided tears now for quite some time. I’m getting pretty capable of holding them back these days, I like it.
My saving grace at the moment is that I will meet Mary for a walk this afternoon. I will put a smile on my face, try to stay positive and plug through the day. Then I will get out in the sunshine and spend time with a much wiser woman then myself. That will help :)
I waxed my eyebrows this morning and one rogue eyebrow resisted. I finally got the little bugger only for it to turn out to be a bleeder.
Much to my dismay, when I went to power up my laptop it wasn’t at my desk. Duh! I forgot it in the car. Out the front door, past the smokers once (how I’ve been craving cigarettes lately, those things are the devil I tell you!) to the car, grab the laptop again and then past the smokers again through the front door. Damn you smokers, can’t you tell a girl is feeling weak over here?
Upon reviewing my work queue for the day an issue has come back to me from the ITC (again) and I don’t know how many different ways I can explain this scenario to them to help them understand that this report IS populating according to the requirements. The requirements need revision before I can adjust the report. And since this particular ITC is in Chicago, getting him on the phone is close to impossible so most communication is done via email, which as well know can leave a certain amount to interpretation. And frankly, I’m interpreting his tone as a little snarky this morning and I don’t appreciate it.
For the last several weeks I’ve had this overwhelming urge to confront my nearest and dearest friend about something that has really been bothering me as of late, but I don’t know how to go about it because I know confronting her won’t resolve a thing. This is who she is, we are different people and this is often celebrated in our friendship, but sometimes it’s a challenge as well. I am that girlfriend that talks on the phone, hangs out, likes to be active with said friend. She is much more introverted, leaves the house only for the nessisary reasons and I cannot tell you how long it’s been since my phone rang and her number came up, at least not without me calling her first. I know this probably sounds very childish to the reader, but it’s been close to 20 years of me feeling like I am putting far more effort into the friendship. She knows me better then probably anyone and I will always love her, sometimes I get tired of being the one to call, the one to try and get her to spend time with me (which is almost impossible, literally) and frankly, why should I put so much effort into someone who seems to care very little about my presence in her life. I’ve even wondered at times if she is merely being polite to me because she cares for Max very deeply. Then I get sweet birthday cards that tells me how much she appreciates me and loves me and so on. Rarely, but on occasion, I am acknowledged as an important part of her life. But I still feel hurt that there seems to be very little, if any, attempts on the other party to call, hang out, jeesh even spend an afternoon with me. This is all probably very silly, like a silly high school scenario, but this situation wears on me at times and I am experiencing a phase in my life where I’m evaluating my relationships and this one in particular seems to keep popping up in the lime light as one that I am not always sure I feel I am being met halfway.
Sigh.
It’s 8 AM and I am tired, bloated and moody. And overwhelmed with the move and all that needs to be done. I want to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and go home and pack my basement. I know this is a total bitch session and my apologies for spewing all this poo poo out to the world, but I have to get it out or I’ll cry and I’ve avoided tears now for quite some time. I’m getting pretty capable of holding them back these days, I like it.
My saving grace at the moment is that I will meet Mary for a walk this afternoon. I will put a smile on my face, try to stay positive and plug through the day. Then I will get out in the sunshine and spend time with a much wiser woman then myself. That will help :)
Monday, March 02, 2009
NannerPuss
Has anyone seen that Denny’s commercial with the “NannerPus” on it? Well if not, check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kK6F7t-x6E
NannerPus has become the newest catch phrase in my house. I can’t even recall the last time I ate at a Denny’s (Crys, I think it was that night we went with Peck after Vinyl’s? Do you vaguely recall that? Seriously, I think it’s been that long) nor do I expect to actually breakfast at Denny’s any time in the near future sober (extenuating circumstances would include: starvation, at gun point or if it was the last place on earth that served eggs Benedict) unless of course it’s at 2:30 AM and I’ve found myself there under the exact same circumstances as my the last 3 visits in the last 10 years: late night intoxication that requires immediate sustenance. I assure you, everyone else in that restaurant is just as tipsy, tired or otherwise ready to pass out (especially if it’s the one off Federal, yikes!) as you think you are and no one cares what they are eating, saying, drinking or how loud they are being. No one! Its like “Animal Farm” up in that joint for the after hours crowd all across the nation. Luckily, I believe those days are (mostly) in my past and now if I am out late I just want to go home and go to bed.
Moving on, NannerPus. Yes, it’s really caused a certain amount of similar after hour’s behavior as mentioned above in our house as of late. When Max is being crusty to me, I just shout “Look everybody, it’s NannerPus!” and that catches him off guard, makes him laugh and he sub sequentially shuts it without further comment. Additionally, I will occasionally, throughout the day, test him simply “NannerPus!” For which I receive this response: “no” or “No” or “NO!” But I know it gets a giggle out of him, I can just feel it and if not, I definitely do. I think it’s all out hilarity on all accounts and a true testament to the fact that while I would never eat at Denny’s again unless I’d been clubbed over the head and dragged in by my future caveman husband OR I wasn’t the DD and it happened to be where the girls ended up after a long night of dancing and partying and fried animals parts of unknown origin slathered in ranch dressing or extra salty/spicy hash browns with a Diet Coke and a pitcher of water sound absolutely delicious; I can still laugh at a stupid ass commercial, make it my own and not even find myself remotely interested in consuming the product.
Merry Monday kids, it’s going to be a fun week. My fruity senses are already tingling……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kK6F7t-x6E
NannerPus has become the newest catch phrase in my house. I can’t even recall the last time I ate at a Denny’s (Crys, I think it was that night we went with Peck after Vinyl’s? Do you vaguely recall that? Seriously, I think it’s been that long) nor do I expect to actually breakfast at Denny’s any time in the near future sober (extenuating circumstances would include: starvation, at gun point or if it was the last place on earth that served eggs Benedict) unless of course it’s at 2:30 AM and I’ve found myself there under the exact same circumstances as my the last 3 visits in the last 10 years: late night intoxication that requires immediate sustenance. I assure you, everyone else in that restaurant is just as tipsy, tired or otherwise ready to pass out (especially if it’s the one off Federal, yikes!) as you think you are and no one cares what they are eating, saying, drinking or how loud they are being. No one! Its like “Animal Farm” up in that joint for the after hours crowd all across the nation. Luckily, I believe those days are (mostly) in my past and now if I am out late I just want to go home and go to bed.
Moving on, NannerPus. Yes, it’s really caused a certain amount of similar after hour’s behavior as mentioned above in our house as of late. When Max is being crusty to me, I just shout “Look everybody, it’s NannerPus!” and that catches him off guard, makes him laugh and he sub sequentially shuts it without further comment. Additionally, I will occasionally, throughout the day, test him simply “NannerPus!” For which I receive this response: “no” or “No” or “NO!” But I know it gets a giggle out of him, I can just feel it and if not, I definitely do. I think it’s all out hilarity on all accounts and a true testament to the fact that while I would never eat at Denny’s again unless I’d been clubbed over the head and dragged in by my future caveman husband OR I wasn’t the DD and it happened to be where the girls ended up after a long night of dancing and partying and fried animals parts of unknown origin slathered in ranch dressing or extra salty/spicy hash browns with a Diet Coke and a pitcher of water sound absolutely delicious; I can still laugh at a stupid ass commercial, make it my own and not even find myself remotely interested in consuming the product.
Merry Monday kids, it’s going to be a fun week. My fruity senses are already tingling……
Friday, February 27, 2009
Brothel Barbie
Thanks to Crys & P for entertaining me all afternoon on what could’ve easily been a far more frustrating Friday afternoon then it turned out to be. You see, I am going to pick up my new house keys today and pay my first months rent. I’m so excited I can barely stand it and sitting in my cube, trying to focus on work became torturous around 11 AM today. It is days like this that I have the attention span and work ethic of a 12 year old boy.
Clearly we all needed a little distract this afternoon. I know the CPA is giving Crys a run for her money and the Spicy P is signing the lease on her new bodacious abode and is eager to move as well, we are moving the same weekends by the way. Fun.
I’d like to state for the record that IMHO, it would be an unfair decision between P and Crys for the Barbie Brothel Madam position. Both are strong, capable and efficient leaders. Both are just girly enough that they could pull off the Madam exterior quite well and neither would ever tolerate any of Barbie’s shit or let Ken get in for free just because it’s his birthday. No, I’d say both candidates are clearly qualified for the job, but only one can remain. Who will win the challenge? Tune in next week to find out.
Until then, I am content to play the role of Heimlich (A Bugs Life – caterpillar.) Cleaning my many LEGS and doing my very best not to let my eye ball pop out because I know Paula won’t push it back in for me even if we were 100 million miles from the nearest ER because she thinks I want to be a pirate and she’s scared of slimy eyeballs even though she can pop her own shoulder back into place. Oh yeah, I see how it is.
And again, for the record, my Cabbage Patch baby had NOTHING but the best intentions for my neighbors Cabbage Patch baby. They were JUST friends. Who occasionally liked to bathe together. So there.
Clearly we all needed a little distract this afternoon. I know the CPA is giving Crys a run for her money and the Spicy P is signing the lease on her new bodacious abode and is eager to move as well, we are moving the same weekends by the way. Fun.
I’d like to state for the record that IMHO, it would be an unfair decision between P and Crys for the Barbie Brothel Madam position. Both are strong, capable and efficient leaders. Both are just girly enough that they could pull off the Madam exterior quite well and neither would ever tolerate any of Barbie’s shit or let Ken get in for free just because it’s his birthday. No, I’d say both candidates are clearly qualified for the job, but only one can remain. Who will win the challenge? Tune in next week to find out.
Until then, I am content to play the role of Heimlich (A Bugs Life – caterpillar.) Cleaning my many LEGS and doing my very best not to let my eye ball pop out because I know Paula won’t push it back in for me even if we were 100 million miles from the nearest ER because she thinks I want to be a pirate and she’s scared of slimy eyeballs even though she can pop her own shoulder back into place. Oh yeah, I see how it is.
And again, for the record, my Cabbage Patch baby had NOTHING but the best intentions for my neighbors Cabbage Patch baby. They were JUST friends. Who occasionally liked to bathe together. So there.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Snow
I’m sad. It feels like it’s never going to snow again in Colorado. Or rain. Just wind. I don’t want to jinx myself by complaining because ideally this weather will hold out for our move in a few weeks. It still makes me sad though because one of my favorite things about Colorado is the tangibility of season changes. We know when it’s Winter because it snows and it’s significantly cooler. We know when it’s Spring because it rains (or snows depending on the month) and everything starts to blossom and grow and there are lots of baby bunnies and birdies. We know when it’s Summer because in July and August it is not uncommon to see 90+ degree weather for a solid 2 months, HOT. And who can deny the beauty of Fall in Colorado? It’s incredible. The smells, sights and sounds of the seasons thrill me and yet they all seem to be blending in with one another. Plus, I fear the fire danger could prove dangerous as Summer approaches. The mountains have gotten snow and hopefully that run-off will help keep the Front Range out of drought, but it’s hard to say. It might just evaporate on its way down the mountain.
Sigh. Poor Mother Nature. She must really see us a plague to her beautiful planet. Stoopid humans.
Sigh. Poor Mother Nature. She must really see us a plague to her beautiful planet. Stoopid humans.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday Meanderings
Friday was eventful at our house. Max ended up in the ER with a concussion after a tackle football injury. Gave us all a good scare, I keep trying to chalk it up to the experiences of having teenage sons but I am pretty sure I grew a gray hair that afternoon. The look in his eyes, his breathing, that he wasn’t recalling things as quickly as normally and that he had some memory loss was scary. But CAT scan came back ok, no neck injury and so far, nothing seems out of the norm. I kept him in bed all weekend and am monitoring his behavior accordingly. He knocked his noggin pretty good, if it were cartoon land he’d have little yellow birdies circling his head.
In case I haven’t shared this with you all, I cursed Max about 2 years ago to have a girl for every gray hair he puts on my head prematurely. He’s up to 3 girls now since I started counting. I hope he gets a good job. He thinks I’m joking about this and convinced he’ll have all boys. He wont’ think it’s so funny when his partner starts popping out adorable little chumpkins ALL of the female persuasion.
Buwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that’ll teach him.)
Sigh, I’m so glad he’s ok. Narrowly escaping yet another potential traumatic injury isn’t exactly how either of us would’ve liked to have spent Friday afternoon.
In other news, we go to pick up the keys this Friday for the new house. I’m so excited and am slowly packing books, knick knacks what nots and what have you’s. A little at a time feels less stressful then all at once. Although, I’m already feeling eager to get moved in and get it over with. I’m never satisfied, I swear.
Also slow in coming is the realization that perhaps the person I’ve put out to the universe in my “non domestic” hours is not necessarily the person I wish to be. Or be portrayed as. I’ve always walked the fine line between trying to identify who I am outside of my responsibilities and accountabilities that keep me in check, i.e…Max, my job, my family, etc…There’s long been a streak of rebellion in my blood and I’ve never apologized for acting on it within my own self inflicted confines, which I am forever testing because that’s who I am. I test life’s boundaries. Whether intentionally or not, I can now see that it’s how I’m built. However, as I mature or have more experiences, perhaps I can now see the importance of self-discipline on a level other then my domestic responsibilities and it’s causing a mild identity crisis at the moment. It could easily be said that I don’t really know who I am right now and I am in the process of redefining myself and all that comes along with doing that, which includes accepting ones past self as part of the self I am today. This is probably pretty confusing to the world outside my own head, but I know what it means and it’s kind of complicated and a journey only I can take on my own. It’s good stuff, trust me…I think what I wonder is if I’m strong enough to actually do it. Maybe not just yet, we’ll see.
Though, what am I waiting for?
In case I haven’t shared this with you all, I cursed Max about 2 years ago to have a girl for every gray hair he puts on my head prematurely. He’s up to 3 girls now since I started counting. I hope he gets a good job. He thinks I’m joking about this and convinced he’ll have all boys. He wont’ think it’s so funny when his partner starts popping out adorable little chumpkins ALL of the female persuasion.
Buwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that’ll teach him.)
Sigh, I’m so glad he’s ok. Narrowly escaping yet another potential traumatic injury isn’t exactly how either of us would’ve liked to have spent Friday afternoon.
In other news, we go to pick up the keys this Friday for the new house. I’m so excited and am slowly packing books, knick knacks what nots and what have you’s. A little at a time feels less stressful then all at once. Although, I’m already feeling eager to get moved in and get it over with. I’m never satisfied, I swear.
Also slow in coming is the realization that perhaps the person I’ve put out to the universe in my “non domestic” hours is not necessarily the person I wish to be. Or be portrayed as. I’ve always walked the fine line between trying to identify who I am outside of my responsibilities and accountabilities that keep me in check, i.e…Max, my job, my family, etc…There’s long been a streak of rebellion in my blood and I’ve never apologized for acting on it within my own self inflicted confines, which I am forever testing because that’s who I am. I test life’s boundaries. Whether intentionally or not, I can now see that it’s how I’m built. However, as I mature or have more experiences, perhaps I can now see the importance of self-discipline on a level other then my domestic responsibilities and it’s causing a mild identity crisis at the moment. It could easily be said that I don’t really know who I am right now and I am in the process of redefining myself and all that comes along with doing that, which includes accepting ones past self as part of the self I am today. This is probably pretty confusing to the world outside my own head, but I know what it means and it’s kind of complicated and a journey only I can take on my own. It’s good stuff, trust me…I think what I wonder is if I’m strong enough to actually do it. Maybe not just yet, we’ll see.
Though, what am I waiting for?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A Few Random Thoughts While My Report Queue Job Executes
• For the first time EVER, I have highlighted my hair. Sure I’ve played with reds and maroons and even black (oh those angsty teen years, weren’t THEY fun?) but I’ve never actually added blonde highlights to my already naturally blonde hair. Why you might ask? Because as I’ve aged, my hair has become more dishwater then blonde and finally my vanity stepped in said “Sarah, you are far too young to be looking so haggard! You can do something about it you know?” So, after careful research I found a product that would highlight my existing highlights and supposedly give my lovely locks and all over gorgeous shine. And guess what kids? It worked and now my hair is the same sun kissed color I remember from my 20’s. Now, if I could only get the rest of me to appear as youthful, I’d be quite please. Next is the weight and I’m considering a new piece of body art to signify my next transition.
• Realizing that I rarely spend money on creature comforts, I purchased a very cozy white cotton hospital blankie to go under my comforter because I find myself colder at night then I’d like to be. Very unpleasant side affect to a quickly deteriorating heating system. Whoever moves in there after me will definitely have to have that looked at. I also purchased a cool mist humidifier for my room. I am in heaven in my bed, it’s like my sanctuary and I’ve decided to make it as such from here on out. I’ve also decided to stop denying myself such things as warmth and feeling pretty for whatever reason it is that I do that to myself. Perhaps I feel I have to punish myself right now because no one else is. THAT’s something to take with me to the therapist’s office.
• Speaking of, I’m “interviewing” at the moment. I’m sure I’ll find the right match; I wish I didn’t have to pay a co-pay every time. After all, you have to kiss a few couches before you find the perfect one in which to be analyzed on.
• We are very eager to move. Don’t expect much communication from me in the coming weeks. For those of you who don’t know, moving makes me an insane person. I get worked up, really worked up about everything being out of place. My OCD kicks into high gear and I end up feeling like a basket case during the entire experience. At least, that’s how the last move went. Maybe this won’t be like that, surely it can’t be. I’m not facing the same situation, which included well intentioned friends who pretty much planted themselves at my house for 5 days straight and frankly gave me no room to manage the whole thing, a broken toe oh and Chance. Who could forget. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten (or quite forgiven yet) but we are almost there. Clearly the move represents transition on many levels. Kristen thought I might not be sick as often, let’s hope she’s right. Maybe I can begin shedding skins that are weighing me down like you wouldn’t believe.
• Max has been wonderful recently. As I said to Mary, let’s not jinx it. But we are in a good place at the moment, he’s working hard at school (with a certain amount of hand holding from mom, but whatever, you do what you have to do with your children) and he has a friend that is a girl, though they aren’t actually dating yet, but they like each other and “hang out.” Swoon. Young love, it really can be sweet can’t it and not screw up your whole life because you ran off with a guy 6 years your senior with long hair and a car and could buy beer and wanted to get you out of your abusive home life. Oh wait….that’s not Max. Duhhh Sarah, don’t forget girl…he’s NOT YOU. Get over yourself sister.
• Facebook has become so much more a joy then MySpace ever was for me. I fear it’s headed down the MySpace path but what I’m realizing is that like in “real” life, who you spend time interacting with makes all the difference.
• I have exciting news about a dear friend but I’m not sure if I can “out” the news yet. I’ll leave that up to her.
• Crystal is rocking the CPA as we all knew she would. And loosing weight and looking like the hot mommasita we all know she always has been and always will be. I might get to see her soon depending on what Memorial Day brings. I keep thinking of how weird it is that every time I hug her after not having seen her for a long time, I almost knock her over with and then inhale deeply because I always like her smell. Is that weird stalker behavior or what? It seems a little strange to me, but she’s never been like “Ok freak, that’s enough!” so I guess I’ll just let that be what it is and move on.
• Matty and I had a lovely visit Friday night. Gawd I miss him, it’s hard not to miss someone you practically spent every weekend with for several years. We’ve both grown so much and I’d say we are closer then ever and we’ve decided that it will be my job to get us to Mexico and his job to sit on the beach and drink a lot. He’s already got his passport ready, yayyy Matty. Almost there bro, hang in there.
• Richard is working on my car again this weekend. It needs a new power steeling line installed. All together now “PAIN IN THE ASS” for him. Poor guy, he’s so patient and understanding. How lucky am I? It’s a pricey job, shitty timing but I can’t help but still feel a sense of gratitude because with Richard I would be so much more stressed about it. And I wouldn’t know Richard without Randall and I wouldn’t know Randall without Carin. It is fascinating how one amazing person in a life time can affect you forever. I thanked Randall for that the other night. For introducing me to Crystal, who also changed my life. I’m like shocked out how truly cool Richard is, like he’s just one of those people. Like Randall. Randall keeps telling me “See, there are GOOD guys out there. Just hold out ok?” I think he’s trying to make a point, seeing that we’ve both been put though the love wringer recently. Sigh, another day. Anyway, thank the good sweet gods for Richard. I can’t help but feel such joy for the simple fact that I can rely on him. Relying on a man? Whoa, not to be entered into lightly no matter what the context of the relationship.
• Doh gotta go. Jobs done. I’m out, I’ve gotta go to the store, do some light house cleaning and make my kid do his homework. Peace out ya’ll, love you!
• Realizing that I rarely spend money on creature comforts, I purchased a very cozy white cotton hospital blankie to go under my comforter because I find myself colder at night then I’d like to be. Very unpleasant side affect to a quickly deteriorating heating system. Whoever moves in there after me will definitely have to have that looked at. I also purchased a cool mist humidifier for my room. I am in heaven in my bed, it’s like my sanctuary and I’ve decided to make it as such from here on out. I’ve also decided to stop denying myself such things as warmth and feeling pretty for whatever reason it is that I do that to myself. Perhaps I feel I have to punish myself right now because no one else is. THAT’s something to take with me to the therapist’s office.
• Speaking of, I’m “interviewing” at the moment. I’m sure I’ll find the right match; I wish I didn’t have to pay a co-pay every time. After all, you have to kiss a few couches before you find the perfect one in which to be analyzed on.
• We are very eager to move. Don’t expect much communication from me in the coming weeks. For those of you who don’t know, moving makes me an insane person. I get worked up, really worked up about everything being out of place. My OCD kicks into high gear and I end up feeling like a basket case during the entire experience. At least, that’s how the last move went. Maybe this won’t be like that, surely it can’t be. I’m not facing the same situation, which included well intentioned friends who pretty much planted themselves at my house for 5 days straight and frankly gave me no room to manage the whole thing, a broken toe oh and Chance. Who could forget. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten (or quite forgiven yet) but we are almost there. Clearly the move represents transition on many levels. Kristen thought I might not be sick as often, let’s hope she’s right. Maybe I can begin shedding skins that are weighing me down like you wouldn’t believe.
• Max has been wonderful recently. As I said to Mary, let’s not jinx it. But we are in a good place at the moment, he’s working hard at school (with a certain amount of hand holding from mom, but whatever, you do what you have to do with your children) and he has a friend that is a girl, though they aren’t actually dating yet, but they like each other and “hang out.” Swoon. Young love, it really can be sweet can’t it and not screw up your whole life because you ran off with a guy 6 years your senior with long hair and a car and could buy beer and wanted to get you out of your abusive home life. Oh wait….that’s not Max. Duhhh Sarah, don’t forget girl…he’s NOT YOU. Get over yourself sister.
• Facebook has become so much more a joy then MySpace ever was for me. I fear it’s headed down the MySpace path but what I’m realizing is that like in “real” life, who you spend time interacting with makes all the difference.
• I have exciting news about a dear friend but I’m not sure if I can “out” the news yet. I’ll leave that up to her.
• Crystal is rocking the CPA as we all knew she would. And loosing weight and looking like the hot mommasita we all know she always has been and always will be. I might get to see her soon depending on what Memorial Day brings. I keep thinking of how weird it is that every time I hug her after not having seen her for a long time, I almost knock her over with and then inhale deeply because I always like her smell. Is that weird stalker behavior or what? It seems a little strange to me, but she’s never been like “Ok freak, that’s enough!” so I guess I’ll just let that be what it is and move on.
• Matty and I had a lovely visit Friday night. Gawd I miss him, it’s hard not to miss someone you practically spent every weekend with for several years. We’ve both grown so much and I’d say we are closer then ever and we’ve decided that it will be my job to get us to Mexico and his job to sit on the beach and drink a lot. He’s already got his passport ready, yayyy Matty. Almost there bro, hang in there.
• Richard is working on my car again this weekend. It needs a new power steeling line installed. All together now “PAIN IN THE ASS” for him. Poor guy, he’s so patient and understanding. How lucky am I? It’s a pricey job, shitty timing but I can’t help but still feel a sense of gratitude because with Richard I would be so much more stressed about it. And I wouldn’t know Richard without Randall and I wouldn’t know Randall without Carin. It is fascinating how one amazing person in a life time can affect you forever. I thanked Randall for that the other night. For introducing me to Crystal, who also changed my life. I’m like shocked out how truly cool Richard is, like he’s just one of those people. Like Randall. Randall keeps telling me “See, there are GOOD guys out there. Just hold out ok?” I think he’s trying to make a point, seeing that we’ve both been put though the love wringer recently. Sigh, another day. Anyway, thank the good sweet gods for Richard. I can’t help but feel such joy for the simple fact that I can rely on him. Relying on a man? Whoa, not to be entered into lightly no matter what the context of the relationship.
• Doh gotta go. Jobs done. I’m out, I’ve gotta go to the store, do some light house cleaning and make my kid do his homework. Peace out ya’ll, love you!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
We Got The House!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go in on Monday to sign the lease, pay the deposit and pick up the keys. We can start moving on March 1st (which is a Sunday) but she said we could start on Feb 28th if we want (it needs to be Sarah-cleaned for sure before we can move in. We will have well into March to move, but I'd like to make it happen and be out of our current place by March 15th at the latest. I will miss the 47th street condo, I'm sad it didn't pan out as expected...but I won't lie, there is a part of me that is really ready to move on and be done with this part of my life. I will feel a tug about all that we are leaving behind, but a fresh start is something I can't help but look forward to.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
More details to come :)
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
More details to come :)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
OMG OMG OMG
This is the house we are looking at tomorrow @ 4:30:
http://denver.craigslist.org/apa/1028016135.html
It friggin' rocks! I can't believe how incredibley cheap it is, they had it up there for $1200 a month ago, they must want to rent it. I already talked with the management company and my credit score qualifies. If everything goes smoothly tomorrow and our application is approved, we'd start moving in March 1st 2009.
OMG OMG OMG
Keep your fingers crossed!
:)
http://denver.craigslist.org/apa/1028016135.html
It friggin' rocks! I can't believe how incredibley cheap it is, they had it up there for $1200 a month ago, they must want to rent it. I already talked with the management company and my credit score qualifies. If everything goes smoothly tomorrow and our application is approved, we'd start moving in March 1st 2009.
OMG OMG OMG
Keep your fingers crossed!
:)
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