Mood? Elevating.....Confusion Level? Also Elevating.....

I’m going to the doc today to switch up the allergy meds (because my nose is either running off my face or creating a pressurized cabin inside my melon) and see if they can give me something for the apparently looming migraine. I went like how long? 6 months, a year or more? I’ve even had red wine a few times (a sure fire trigger) with no negative result. Something triggered it though; I’ve had a headache for about a week now. It seems to be building steam. Getting to that point where light and noise make me want to be somewhere very dark and quite. I realize that it could be psychosomatic….my body reacting to the annoying blue tint my world seems to have taken on in recent weeks. Surely the very LOCATION of the physical discomfort would suggest that, don’t you think? What a vicious cycle, the grumpy makes my physical body react; the physical reaction makes me grumpy.

But in spite of all of this, I do sense an elevation in mood…or stabilization at least. That’s always a plus. Partly it’s because after work I’ve been going home, making food for the man child and basically having “down time” for the remainder of the evening. I’ve also been eating anything and everything I want, which has an enjoyable affect because chocolate and peanut butter make me happy….annnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve been sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.

I also have a 3 day weekend which is always good for the soul. I’ve not worked on my house since last Saturday so I will spend some time tooling around this weekend getting that office in order and setting out the remainder of my nick knacks and hanging pic’s. All this puttering about should be good. I’m supposed to go to a social thing on Saturday but I’ve already bowed out of that. I just don’t feel like it, it’s nothing personal. Plus I know there will be copious amounts of wine and champagne, both of which aren’t good for my head right now. So I’m saying “no” and doing what I want this weekend, what a concept huh?

I’m reading some great books at the moment, one of which discusses spiritual law in depthly unlike any other book I’ve read. The theory that spiritual law is a tangible thing like the laws of physics or mathematics reminds to stop approaching my own spiritual being as a conceptual “IDEA” and begin caring for it like an infant that needs a lot of nurturing and attention. My car is a real thing. If I don’t put oil in it, it ceases up. If there is little fuel or crappy fuel it spits and sputters until it stalls. If the brakes aren’t maintained, it doesn’t know how to stop. In essence, if the Baby Jetta isn’t cared for, it will stop running efficiently or at some point, it’ll stop running all together. There are 1001 ways to analogize the tangibility of spiritual presence in association to physical presence, it’s quite clear. The Baby Jetta and I had a moment though this morning on the way to work, so that’s the one I’m using because I had a total BFI. It was like “Girl, you take better care of this car then you do yourself! You aren’t afraid to get out there and drive this car and have fun with it! You always put good gas in it and spend the money it takes to maintain it, right? You are careful when driving so as to avoid pot holes and speed bumps but this doesn’t stop you from driving, right? You are courteous of other drivers and their vehicles and it is usually reciprocated but if it’s not you don’t just stop driving the Baby Jetta all togther, right?” DING DING DING! HELLLLO!

The problem is that I get lazy. I don’t stay present in what is important or the positive as often as I’d like. I fall of the wagon and distract myself or let myself get distracted. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s all my doing, sometimes it feels like my body is betraying me. But even that excuse is getting kind of lame because mind over matter is something I believe in when I’m not whining about blue tinted glasses. On the flip side, I’ve been accused of having rose colored glasses much too often about the world around me, but never about myself. Why can’t I just have…….what would it be? Purple colored glasses? Mauve? Whatever is balanced between blue and rose?

This internal dialogue is really good for getting me out of my funks and giving me the tools I need to embrace all the beauty in the world and try to add to it somehow. But what I can’t figure out is how I fall off the wagon SO easily? What was it THIS time? Pumpkin? The move? Max being gone? I hadn’t been reading much because of the move, is that why? I had bought a lot of beer when we moved and barely any got drank on moving day so I’ve been drinking it, could that be it? I’ve been eating like shit, are the lack of vegetables and fruit causing my normally vegetarian-esque style of eating to freak out? I’ve spent very little time with friends and family since the move and have been feeling a little isolated, maybe I’m just so needy that not having enough interpersonal interaction can cause my funk fungus to explode? Maybe it was the jack ass at karaoke that treated me shabbily and it’s gotten me thinking of why it is that men think they can treat me that way?

Dunno. I’m kinda stumped. Seems like it could be any of these or all of these, but again, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when it’s going to be that one thing that sends me over the edge and the world becomes hopeless and stormy again. What I do know is that I’m tired of being a victim to it. Surely I’m the one in control here right? That scares me to say that, I am waiting to get struck by lightening any minute. Too many things have happened to me that weren’t in my control in the past that make me fearful of the “what could be’s” and “what if’s.” At times that it, other times (as mentioned in previous blog) I am totally fearless and I jump in with no life jacket. Apparently my sense of timing is a little off LOL.

Time doesn’t allow for further comment on these issues, but I’m sure there will be more to come. I’m just thankful for the reprieve from funk and am looking forward to a long, funk-free (other then the bassy/drum beat kind maybe!) weekend.

Xoxo’s
S

Thursday is my Friday

I can't wait............

Frank The Rabbit

Mmmm, so Tuesday is shaping up to be a better day. Turns out copious amounts of sleep and chocolate really do have health promoting qualities…too bad I can’t figure out how stay on task with copious amounts of exercise and loving myself right? Oh well, I’ll take when I can get for today. I am still dragging ass though, my whole body feels like it’s under water. Why does this stuff pull my down so deeply physically as well? My energy just goes right down the toilet and my only aspirations involved being snuggled up in my bed, reading and snuggling my cats or eating. Total double whammy. The funk isn’t gone, but it’s tolerable today. I can function at least. As much as I’d resisted posting all my negativity outwardly, I did feel better afterward so perhaps I should let go a little and document where I’m at regardless of my fears. Being fearless is a skill I’m still honing:) Maybe I’ll work on that one in therapy too.

Today I was at Barnes & Nobles (sorry Aunty, they didn’t have the book you recommended but I found another deliciously spicy one I think) and I could very literally feel the clerk judging my choices as I was checking out. I read the classics. I read empowering books about women. I read books by authors who hardly have to work at being fabulous and authors working way too hard to be fabulous. I read short stories, novels and everything in between. I read non-fiction about quantum physics and Buddhism and Taoism and Paganism and books that are really hard for me to wrap my head around but I read them anyway because I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy the books that make me slow it down and contemplate. I read biographical books about those who have formed our societies, one way or the other. I also read books about dead musicians and artists who committed suicide and drug addicts and sex workers and people who have lived lives to depths I will probably never understand, but can possibly relate to based on my own experiences of brushing up against some of those depths.

I have watched from the side-lines (i.e…my fearlessness hidden away for another day) and then switched gears and jumped into life head first without even blinking. I can go from the “I don’t try anything, I just do it!” mentality to the “over-think it, process it until it’s a little nub of annoyance in the back of my day to day” mentality in moments. Sometimes I feel like a wide eyed bunny, happily content to hop along and live life without questioning anything who suddenly bumps into Frank The Rabbit from “Donnie Darko” and follows him down the Tangent Universe rabbit hole. I know I am not alone. I know that most, if not all of us, are questioning our purpose, experiencing the plague of self-doubt and then the reward of self-discovery. We are all grappling with our pasts, wondering about our futures and trying desperately to make sense of our current existence. I also think we are all just trying to do the best we can, be the best people we can and not everyone succeeds. Not everyone succeeds at life period. And to me, all art forms reflect this struggle of the human condition.

That’s why I read books about situations and people that might make the clerk who checked me out uncomfortable. These stories of those who have overcome adversities, of those who have experienced such trial and tribulation and came out of it all the wiser and are willing to share that wisdom with others…they give me hope. I think it’s honorable and I admire them for having the balls to share things we don’t tell our best friends or mothers. I think it’s brave for authors to explore subjects that force us to consider things we might not otherwise even ever think to. Some of you who know may question why I would subject myself to yet more stories of hardships because let’s face it kids, I’ve surely seen enough of my own and been close to a number of painful situations with those that I love. I’ve cried enough to tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Admittedly, there have been some books I have put down simply because it was just too painful or caused some spark of post traumatic stress. But that becomes rarer as my skin gets thicker and life experiences teach me how unfair and sometimes unpractical our time on earth is, except it always ends up teaching us something incredible one way or another. I’d also like to think I’m not such a damaged drama-monger that I don’t read these books to revel in the pain of others. I refuse to believe that - even if I get a little jolt out of the shock value of some of these stories because my nature is extreme so it takes A LOT to shock me – my self assessment is that I pick out books that call to me, no matter the subject or content.

I think next time I am hitting Barnes & Nobles, I might just dress in my most professional attire, with my hair and make up perfect, nails done and looking fabulous and go buy a book on demon worshipping child care workers who run a brothel out of their child care center on the weekends. And make SURE I find this same clerk. THAT would be a really good time.

:)

I haven’t really felt like blogging lately, there’s just too much to think about, to much to figure out…..anyone know that song? If not, here’s the link: http://www.lyricstime.com/todd-snider-statistician-s-blues-lyrics.html

The truth is that I’ve been in such a funk for the past week solid that I’m almost ashamed to put it out to the Universe in written form. I am experiencing a rush of depression not unlike those in years past and get it that this is my pattern, huge highs…tremendous lows. I get tired of it. I get tired of managing it. I don’t know why I can’t just be “normal” and have healthy ranges of emotions instead of the extremes to both ends. But that isn’t how I am built. There ARE things I can do to temper it and take care with myself (i.e…exercising regularly, avoiding over eating, self medicating) but when I get into this place those are the first things I do or don’t do and before you know I’m flailing again with no balance. Some day’s I fear I am going to spend my entire life fighting and as we all know, fighting anything over and over, for ever and ever is exhausting and can deteriorate one’s sense of hope. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed….I seriously thought about calling in and sleeping all day. But that’s not what responsible employee’s slash mothers do. Nope, we soldier on and suck it up. Life isn’t for wimps you know!

The natural instinct I know is to ask “What happened?” And the answer is everything and nothing. My kid left town for a week, my cat had seizures all night Tuesday night, I am lonely/sad/mad/hurting/fat/hating my body right now, I had a drama at work with my supervisor that was totally unprofessional, my house isn’t put together yet, there’s too much to do, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be truly intimate with a man again because I oscillate between hating them and lusting after them, but surely not loving them…...blah blah blah. These are all things that I can manage just fine if I’m in the right state of mind. But when I am not, anything and everything become an excuse to go about and pity for myself and enter into the self-loathing phase which seems to be self-fulfilling, because the more I self-loathe, the more I do stupid things to cause me to…eat to much, drink too much, cry, whine…etc…etc…

And as I’m sitting here typing this and rereading it, I feel like a whiney baby even more because there are people in my life with “real” problems. Academic challenges, relationship issues, unemployment! And I’m crying because I’m feeling “down”? Come on! Suck it up sister!

But I don’t feel like sucking it up, I FEEL like being moody and blue and sleeping all day and those are all signs to me of the onset of a possible depression and I don’t want to go there again. There’s no reason for it, my life really is amazing and I know that logically, my little chemicals are trying to tell me otherwise..

I have a message into the therapist I am interested in working with to see if she can get me in this week. I really feel like I need help and I guess if nothing else, that’s further then I’ve gotten in years past with these phases….at least I can see myself starting to spiral and I’m doing something to stop it. I decided if I can spend $40 on dinner/drinks with Tammy Saturday night, then surely I can spend that on my therapy once a week until my insurance runs out. I had a lovely time with her, sans the guy who totally creeeeeeeeeped me out at Karaoke (ew, seriously, not cool), but it was only a temporary solution because yesterday I woke up with a mild hangover, no energy and $40 less in my bank account.

Oh and my theme song for these moments in my life? Haaa, it always makes me smile and say THAT’S RIGHT DAMMIT!

In Class!

In class monday/tuesday....lots to update, more to come soon. xoxo

It's Fun To Ride The Waves, Especially The Really High Ones!

This weekend was incredible. I am at that fun part of moving where you get to start unpacking pictures and nick nacks and the little trinkets we surround ourselves for whatever reason. It’s amazing what you find that you’ve forgotten about, things that make you smile or bring back memories. And since we are mostly “functional” at this point (as in the kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms and main living area’s are mostly put together) I can slow it down a little and focus on arranging my home in a manner that suits me. The relief I feel about having found such a sweet little place to call home has given me a pretty big buzz at the moment. The Universe gave me so much to work with and so much opportunity in this situation that it’s hard not to feel overcome with gratitude. And something like victorious, in fact I’m achieving a series of minor victories as of late on many fronts and it’s pretty satisfying to feel the flutterings of confidence again. Right now, life has a new light about it. I find myself feeling less selfish for living for me; for making decisions for myself that are in my own best interest, in spite of what others might say or think. I am sure there is a balance I must strike here to avoid becoming self-absorbed and narcissistic (ugh, someone shake me if that comes about please) but at the moment I am exploring the days to days of making healthy decisions for myself, including how I interact with my own son. Even with him, I find myself putting down boundaries and making attempts to more effectively communicate with him. It seems to go a long way with him and in turn, comes back to me. Like all I things I suppose, someone recently said to me “I think the least amount of shit you’ll put with is what will come to you.” I see this as a very different thing then the concept of intolerance, to me this says “put out to Universe what your limits are as you discover them and they will be respected” or something along those lines.

Indeed, another great phase of introspection and personal development for this little duck. I keep trying ride the highs and just enjoy them, try to avoid creating unnecessary drama and take this as an opportunity to start anew. And what better timing with Spring and all? Wow, how lucky am I?

Travis - Side

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkW_SR7SgiE

http://www.lyrics007.com/Travis%20Lyrics/Side%20Lyrics.html

Worn Out

We ran into a slight snafu Monday night when we the entire septic system backed up in my bathroom because we flushed the toilet and had the washer going. What a mess. Plumbers came out yesterday and fixed it. Apparently there’s a trend of rentals that have been vacant for some time flooding as of late because they sit vacant for 3 or 6 months and with how arid it is in CO right now, everything dries out and settles. Then a new tenant moves in and starts using the hot water and what not and all that nastiness expands very rapidly and causes all kinds of problems. Plus, the plumber said that septic system probably hasn’t been snaked in at least 5 years. Ew.

But it’s over now and it all really turned out to be a blessing in disguise because since I had to stay home yesterday and deal with all of this madness and clean up after it as a result, I ended up getting quite a bit done around the house. The living room and office are at least functional now. As it his bathroom thank goodness. I got the kitchen put together Monday night before we discovered the flood in the bathroom, so things are moving along well.

Not surprisingly, I’m exhausted. My leg/ankle is letting me know it’s there, it’s swollen and sore. Iced it last night along with 3 ibuprofen, that helped a lot. Plus, I keep going at that bathroom with a bottle of bleach, I’m not even going to give any of that an opportunity to fester or mold.

We also did a little work on the lawn last night, started watering and raking. I feel bad for that grass, trying to so hard to survive. If our summer is anything like our winter, we are in for a long, hot and dry summer. I can’t stress again how concerned I am about the fire danger in CO. Probably because my mother has almost lost her house twice to forest fire and it’s pretty freaky stuff. We’ve already had like 3 fires in Boulder and surrounding area’s where it gets a lot of wind. This little girl knows better then to play with fire, it’s a delicate force. I hope my mountains make it through the summer unscorched.

Max is going to his Dad’s for Spring Break soon. Sean called last night. He makes me cringe, have I mentioned that? I’m like on instant alert second his presence is felt. Can anyone say post traumatic stress? Max and I had a heart to heart last week about some issues that have recently stemmed from his interactions with Sean. Max is forming his own idea’s about who his dad is and who I am as well. He’s at that age where parents start to become human and boy is he in for a shocker. I rmember that moment with my own mother, except I was well into my 20’s before I ever gave her an inch. At 16, I see some signs that Max gets it that parents are people too. Good stuff. Except, he’s not *quite* there yet. I am not sure what kind of feedback he gets from his father about me, but it’s quite clear that Max has some interesting idea’s about how child support works and how much money his father has given us. He also hasn’t quite put the facts together about timelines and that fact that has dad has mostly been absent up until recently and this isn’t ALL my doing. Max is trying not to pick sides, I can see that. But he sometimes feels the need to defend Sean and his choices. It’s very sad. Harder still is that more often then not, all his defenses and even attacks at times are all directly squarely in my direction. I realize this is natural, I’m his mom after all and I’ve been the solid for as long as he can remember. So it makes sense that he’ll lash out at me. He knows in his heart that I love him unconditionally. But I think he also feels a sense of alliance with his father when he defends Sean. As if it somehow unites them. Naturally, this tickles my sense of justice and momma bear protectiveness, but I am able to see that it will pass. Sean will only hurt himself in the long run by talking negatively about me to Max. My son is confused about many things as are to be expected for a child in his situation, this is tough stuff. But he is protective of his momma. It’s that whole idea of “I can talk as about much shit about my mom as I want, but when YOU do it, it’s really not ok.” I often wonder how Max would feel if he heard how Sean talks to me on the phone when he knows Max is out of earshot. It’s pretty shoddy to say the least. I’ll leave it alone, but I do wonder sometimes because I get the sense that it might give Max insights into his father that he doesn’t know. But I would never do it of course because Max needs to make his own decisions about his dad, he doesn’t need my help. I have a completely biased opinion of Sean; Max never needs to know why. It’s best I just stay out of it and give them all the space they need to figure out their relationship. It’s not easy. At all. I’m already feeling some panic about taking Max to WY and leaving him there. There is a lot of deep breathing going on regarding the whole subject, but I know it’s all going to be ok in the end. I just wish Sean at 40 years old could act as maturely as his own 16 year old son. Sigh.

Well, I should get to work I suppose. We have a luncheon at Zen Café today which is DA BOMB so I’m looking forward to that. They have pretty decent sushi so I’ll be all over that for sure. Tonight when I get home I really need to work on my room so I can get up in the morning and not bang into boxes. You should see the bruises; I look like a mi tai fighter kicked the crap out of me.

Maybe Tomorrow - Stereohonics

Sore, bruised, exhausted and lacking sleep....but Oh Happy Day!

I couldn’t have asked for a simpler move. Sans the Washer/Dryer drama which Rhy & Nick spent about 3 hours cussing, getting totally slimed with washer water and frustration beyond even both of their mad patience levels….it really went amazing. The bulk of the move took all of 3 hours, with four trucks and 8 people. Then some straggling items throughout the rest of the day, but for the most part it all went quite smoothly and though we are far from being settled in, we are at the very least, considered “moved.” Shew, I’m glad for it fo shizzle.

Max has been so helpful, I just don’t know what I’d have done without him. What a great kid he is, I’ll file this little nugget for the next visit to the principal’s office or ER 

Pumpkin is fairing well with the move for the most part, she’s been through several moves in her 20 years on this planet, and surely she’s not new to this game. I am quite impressed other then how incredibly needy she is. If I’m sitting down anywhere in the house, she has to be on top of me. Drooling. It wearing a little thin on my own patience level at the moment, but I know it will pass with time. She really is a sweet old girl, I sure do love her.

Gaia on the other hand, is having a harder time with the transition. For one, she’s really unhappy about something in either my room or Max’s because she spends a lot of time snooping around back there. In fact, most of her time since we moved in. She also seems to require constant reassurance, she barks and mewls and is making more noise then I’ve heard from her in the past 4 years combined. Max and I figure she may not remember the last move as she was only a few months old and she’s gotten a little older and more set in her ways since then. She is clearly quite unsettled and I really feel for her as this must all be really traumatic. That said however, the humor of her behavior is not lost on anyone in the house. She walks around with her tail poofed up half the time for no apparent reason. The French doors in the back have become an area of great interest as she has the perfect view of the back yard and any critters that might wander through there. She also loves the front window sill and we’ve decided to get an “Attack Cat” sign as she is on high alert for any intruders or anything out of the ordinary. There are also A LOT of dogs and young children in this neighborhood. That’s going to be an adjustment but she really seems pretty pissed about the whole affair. The big joke is that perhaps Gaia see’s something supernatural in the house that us silly humans cannot and trying to warn us vehemently OR she really is just wigging out and big tough scary Gaia is a softie little kitten underneath all that growling and cussing and hissing. Poor thing, I suppose laughing her apparent sense of injustice over the whole situation isn’t very nice.

I have yet to sleep a solid night in the new house, but it’s only night 2 and I know me, it takes me a while to get settled whenever I move. I will say that I feel more comfortable in this house then I expected and nary was a tear shed in saying goodbye to the old place. I think I cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool about the whole situation long ago and once one accepts their fate, one can begin moving on. And I’ve been ready to move on for some time now, something about this move feels like an indicator on the scale of healing for which I am grateful. The new house certainly is a different environment. The building itself and all of its internal appliances are considerably older then my condo. The hardwood floors are going to be an adjustment and I haven’t quite figured out yet how we’ll manage a smaller fridge. But something about the simple and lived in feel this house has is appealing to me. It already feels like home, I love the back yard. I love the character of the place as a whole. I love all the wood and that we have an office now and that it’s an actual house, no shared walls and plenty of room around us. I am looking forward to meals on my back patio, planting vegetables in the back and flowers in the front. I can’t wait to have company and a bed to offer the various friends and family who make there way to or through Colorado in any given year. I don’t mind that the floors creak and that there is one bathroom and it’s small or that all the drains drain verrrrry slowly or that the dishwasher/washer/dryer set up were all obviously after thoughts in the over all kitchen design. Don’t really mind any of that because perhaps there is a part of me that feels good about these things being MY decisions. I feel slightly victorious that we found such a cool place to live and that I’ve come out of this thing finally on top. Not to mention that I can live with challenges when they are totally 100% my decisions and not decisions I felt forced into under duress and or stupid head. So I’ve been feeling a little braver and confident ever since we stepped into this house and for whatever reason that is, I’m running with it and there’s no need to shed tears over the past when I feel more able to embrace the future then I have in some time.

I did find myself crying though over how many people came to my rescue all in the name of pizza and beer. Truly, I was totally overcome with how many people offered to help and actually showed up. Even better, everyone got along very well and I felt a glimmer of true happiness witnessing the various groups of people in my life come together. I also came to the conclusion that I am quite literally surrounded by beautiful people in my social groups, we are all a bunch of hotties! I really don’t’ have the words right now to express how grateful I am for all of them and their help this weekend, including Max’s buddies who came to lend a hand. Everyone busted some serious ass getting this thing done and I appreciate that.

So in spite of the fact that all the dust being kicked up over the move has tickled my allergies a little, that I have bruises all over my legs and arms, that my upper body aches because it is normally lazy and how totally exhausted Max and I both are, we are in high spirits and life is good. I will post some picks after every room isn’t filled with boxes and I get to work on the gardening. I’m thinking we might grow some pumpkins behind the shed come Aug/September. Perfect spot for a little pumpkin patch back there. I’m also thinking that while I’m in no hurry for my own little Pumpkin to find her way to kitty heaven, that is when we will most likely begin thinking about dogs so it will be sometime before that happens unless two little Pugly Uglies just happen to fall in my lap somehow.

Happy Monday kids, love to you all!

Satisfaction and appreciation

My feet are swollen. My ankles, knees and back ache. I am covered from head to toe in a grime I can only describe as "moving stank" which is a combination of dust, dirt and who knows what else that seems to explode on me every time I move something big or make any attempt to organize things that have been sitting for a while. It doesn't seem to wash off. Also because we are literally having THE driest winter on RECORD in Colorado, essentially any and all fluids have been sucked from my body by the arid conditions. Therefore, I am prone to paper cuts, box/cardboard cuts and a lot of static electricity. We are living in a shantytown of boxes, garbage bags and absolutely nothing is in its place. And Max and I are both absolutely exhausted.

The really good news? The REALLY REALLY good news? In spite of all the standard unpleasantness that accompanies moving, I am notably happy and positive. So is Max. We make a pretty stellar team as it turns out and I can't even express how grateful I am for all of his help and with such a patient and cooperative attitude. A strong and willing body goes a long way in these situations, you know?

Additionally, Randall came Saturday to help with some of the bigger preliminaries and get Mary's bookshelf to her and trade her out the one she gave me in return. Thanks Mary:) Back to Randall though, can I just say what a joy it is to work with a competent, patient male who can problem solve and get things done without talking to me like I am stupid or just a “silly woman?” I realized from those few hours of working with Randall and my recent experiences with Richard that I really have a strong appreciation for it. I guess I’m just so used to doing so much on my own that I feel almost overwhelmed by it all. I am so desperately grateful for their help that I think they are both tired of my “thank you’s” and would just prefer I shut up about it already. These are the kind of guy’s that simply see it as their responsibilities as men to help a girl in need out. And not because either of them want anything from me either. THAT's the real dig for me, it's taken me a long long time to get it that this is how guy’s who are really your friends are supposed to be. It's taken knowing Howard and Nick and Bryan and Matt, amongst others, for me to really get it that. This might sound sexist in nature, but understand that this externalizing of my thoughts is just part of my over all figuring out what adult men are all about for me and what my relationships with them are like, historically, in the present and in the ideal future. Its pretty fascinating stuff. And I have to say, even the my kiddo has his days where we’ve both had just about enough of each other, I see the glimmers of a pretty amazing guy behind all that hormonal machismo and I am proud of him for that.

Safe to say that Sarah is learning a lot right now. The move is liberating and empowering and feel’s like something of a relief. Once again, I am overcome by the number of really amazing people in my life and how I am forever gaining insight from my relationships with them.

Good stuff.

More to come as time permits. I ended up taking some time off of work to get everything done so I am going to be pretty focused at work the remainder of this week to get caught up. It’s all a cycle isn’t it?

Anyway, love you all. Big X’s and O’s!

Lock the doors and close your curtains.....it's on like Donkey Kong

Crystal is coming to Denver for Memorial Day weekend. She’s staying with me all but one night and there’s going to be much fun. All the way from Texas, Peck will also be joining us to assist in the shenanigans. It will be the first time we’ve all been together in at least 5 years. Holy crapamoli batman, get ready to rumble!

I can’t wait!

Cheers To A Better Day

My walk with Mary produced the expected out income in that she always helps me to put things in perspective, especially when I am not able to do so myself. Plus the exercise itself and walking along the beautiful parkway where she lives I think added to a bit of stress relief. I promised myself after our visit that I’d walk half an hour at least 5 days a week OUTSIDE in the sweet Colorado sun that I hold so dear. Surely it’s an important aspect of stress management if I learned anything from previous stressfull situations, it’s that taking care of myself physically during those time periods is a pivotal aspect of conquering the blues or excessive stress or what have you. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully and eating quite well, I’m sure this will also aid in helping me through this transition as well. I was hoping to begin therapy sooner rather then later, but I can’t afford it until after we move, so it’s one of those things that gets put on the back burner until I can, but I am motivated to not let it stay there.

Well, the packing/moving situation is going to be in full swing from this evening on I suspect. I think I may feel a little less burdened once I get that basement completely sorted and packed. There’s so much junk that accumulates, you know? Its nuts!

CHEERS to a much better day and housecleaning, in every sense of the word!

Happy Wednesday!

Black Tuesday

It’s a moody Tuesday for sure.

I waxed my eyebrows this morning and one rogue eyebrow resisted. I finally got the little bugger only for it to turn out to be a bleeder.

Much to my dismay, when I went to power up my laptop it wasn’t at my desk. Duh! I forgot it in the car. Out the front door, past the smokers once (how I’ve been craving cigarettes lately, those things are the devil I tell you!) to the car, grab the laptop again and then past the smokers again through the front door. Damn you smokers, can’t you tell a girl is feeling weak over here?

Upon reviewing my work queue for the day an issue has come back to me from the ITC (again) and I don’t know how many different ways I can explain this scenario to them to help them understand that this report IS populating according to the requirements. The requirements need revision before I can adjust the report. And since this particular ITC is in Chicago, getting him on the phone is close to impossible so most communication is done via email, which as well know can leave a certain amount to interpretation. And frankly, I’m interpreting his tone as a little snarky this morning and I don’t appreciate it.

For the last several weeks I’ve had this overwhelming urge to confront my nearest and dearest friend about something that has really been bothering me as of late, but I don’t know how to go about it because I know confronting her won’t resolve a thing. This is who she is, we are different people and this is often celebrated in our friendship, but sometimes it’s a challenge as well. I am that girlfriend that talks on the phone, hangs out, likes to be active with said friend. She is much more introverted, leaves the house only for the nessisary reasons and I cannot tell you how long it’s been since my phone rang and her number came up, at least not without me calling her first. I know this probably sounds very childish to the reader, but it’s been close to 20 years of me feeling like I am putting far more effort into the friendship. She knows me better then probably anyone and I will always love her, sometimes I get tired of being the one to call, the one to try and get her to spend time with me (which is almost impossible, literally) and frankly, why should I put so much effort into someone who seems to care very little about my presence in her life. I’ve even wondered at times if she is merely being polite to me because she cares for Max very deeply. Then I get sweet birthday cards that tells me how much she appreciates me and loves me and so on. Rarely, but on occasion, I am acknowledged as an important part of her life. But I still feel hurt that there seems to be very little, if any, attempts on the other party to call, hang out, jeesh even spend an afternoon with me. This is all probably very silly, like a silly high school scenario, but this situation wears on me at times and I am experiencing a phase in my life where I’m evaluating my relationships and this one in particular seems to keep popping up in the lime light as one that I am not always sure I feel I am being met halfway.

Sigh.

It’s 8 AM and I am tired, bloated and moody. And overwhelmed with the move and all that needs to be done. I want to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and go home and pack my basement. I know this is a total bitch session and my apologies for spewing all this poo poo out to the world, but I have to get it out or I’ll cry and I’ve avoided tears now for quite some time. I’m getting pretty capable of holding them back these days, I like it.

My saving grace at the moment is that I will meet Mary for a walk this afternoon. I will put a smile on my face, try to stay positive and plug through the day. Then I will get out in the sunshine and spend time with a much wiser woman then myself. That will help :)

NannerPuss

Has anyone seen that Denny’s commercial with the “NannerPus” on it? Well if not, check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kK6F7t-x6E

NannerPus has become the newest catch phrase in my house. I can’t even recall the last time I ate at a Denny’s (Crys, I think it was that night we went with Peck after Vinyl’s? Do you vaguely recall that? Seriously, I think it’s been that long) nor do I expect to actually breakfast at Denny’s any time in the near future sober (extenuating circumstances would include: starvation, at gun point or if it was the last place on earth that served eggs Benedict) unless of course it’s at 2:30 AM and I’ve found myself there under the exact same circumstances as my the last 3 visits in the last 10 years: late night intoxication that requires immediate sustenance. I assure you, everyone else in that restaurant is just as tipsy, tired or otherwise ready to pass out (especially if it’s the one off Federal, yikes!) as you think you are and no one cares what they are eating, saying, drinking or how loud they are being. No one! Its like “Animal Farm” up in that joint for the after hours crowd all across the nation. Luckily, I believe those days are (mostly) in my past and now if I am out late I just want to go home and go to bed.

Moving on, NannerPus. Yes, it’s really caused a certain amount of similar after hour’s behavior as mentioned above in our house as of late. When Max is being crusty to me, I just shout “Look everybody, it’s NannerPus!” and that catches him off guard, makes him laugh and he sub sequentially shuts it without further comment. Additionally, I will occasionally, throughout the day, test him simply “NannerPus!” For which I receive this response: “no” or “No” or “NO!” But I know it gets a giggle out of him, I can just feel it and if not, I definitely do. I think it’s all out hilarity on all accounts and a true testament to the fact that while I would never eat at Denny’s again unless I’d been clubbed over the head and dragged in by my future caveman husband OR I wasn’t the DD and it happened to be where the girls ended up after a long night of dancing and partying and fried animals parts of unknown origin slathered in ranch dressing or extra salty/spicy hash browns with a Diet Coke and a pitcher of water sound absolutely delicious; I can still laugh at a stupid ass commercial, make it my own and not even find myself remotely interested in consuming the product.

Merry Monday kids, it’s going to be a fun week. My fruity senses are already tingling……

Brothel Barbie

Thanks to Crys & P for entertaining me all afternoon on what could’ve easily been a far more frustrating Friday afternoon then it turned out to be. You see, I am going to pick up my new house keys today and pay my first months rent. I’m so excited I can barely stand it and sitting in my cube, trying to focus on work became torturous around 11 AM today. It is days like this that I have the attention span and work ethic of a 12 year old boy.

Clearly we all needed a little distract this afternoon. I know the CPA is giving Crys a run for her money and the Spicy P is signing the lease on her new bodacious abode and is eager to move as well, we are moving the same weekends by the way. Fun.

I’d like to state for the record that IMHO, it would be an unfair decision between P and Crys for the Barbie Brothel Madam position. Both are strong, capable and efficient leaders. Both are just girly enough that they could pull off the Madam exterior quite well and neither would ever tolerate any of Barbie’s shit or let Ken get in for free just because it’s his birthday. No, I’d say both candidates are clearly qualified for the job, but only one can remain. Who will win the challenge? Tune in next week to find out.

Until then, I am content to play the role of Heimlich (A Bugs Life – caterpillar.) Cleaning my many LEGS and doing my very best not to let my eye ball pop out because I know Paula won’t push it back in for me even if we were 100 million miles from the nearest ER because she thinks I want to be a pirate and she’s scared of slimy eyeballs even though she can pop her own shoulder back into place. Oh yeah, I see how it is.

And again, for the record, my Cabbage Patch baby had NOTHING but the best intentions for my neighbors Cabbage Patch baby. They were JUST friends. Who occasionally liked to bathe together. So there.

I luuuuuuvs me some Gaia :)

Snow

I’m sad. It feels like it’s never going to snow again in Colorado. Or rain. Just wind. I don’t want to jinx myself by complaining because ideally this weather will hold out for our move in a few weeks. It still makes me sad though because one of my favorite things about Colorado is the tangibility of season changes. We know when it’s Winter because it snows and it’s significantly cooler. We know when it’s Spring because it rains (or snows depending on the month) and everything starts to blossom and grow and there are lots of baby bunnies and birdies. We know when it’s Summer because in July and August it is not uncommon to see 90+ degree weather for a solid 2 months, HOT. And who can deny the beauty of Fall in Colorado? It’s incredible. The smells, sights and sounds of the seasons thrill me and yet they all seem to be blending in with one another. Plus, I fear the fire danger could prove dangerous as Summer approaches. The mountains have gotten snow and hopefully that run-off will help keep the Front Range out of drought, but it’s hard to say. It might just evaporate on its way down the mountain.

Sigh. Poor Mother Nature. She must really see us a plague to her beautiful planet. Stoopid humans.

Monday Meanderings

Friday was eventful at our house. Max ended up in the ER with a concussion after a tackle football injury. Gave us all a good scare, I keep trying to chalk it up to the experiences of having teenage sons but I am pretty sure I grew a gray hair that afternoon. The look in his eyes, his breathing, that he wasn’t recalling things as quickly as normally and that he had some memory loss was scary. But CAT scan came back ok, no neck injury and so far, nothing seems out of the norm. I kept him in bed all weekend and am monitoring his behavior accordingly. He knocked his noggin pretty good, if it were cartoon land he’d have little yellow birdies circling his head.

In case I haven’t shared this with you all, I cursed Max about 2 years ago to have a girl for every gray hair he puts on my head prematurely. He’s up to 3 girls now since I started counting. I hope he gets a good job. He thinks I’m joking about this and convinced he’ll have all boys. He wont’ think it’s so funny when his partner starts popping out adorable little chumpkins ALL of the female persuasion.

Buwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that’ll teach him.)

Sigh, I’m so glad he’s ok. Narrowly escaping yet another potential traumatic injury isn’t exactly how either of us would’ve liked to have spent Friday afternoon.

In other news, we go to pick up the keys this Friday for the new house. I’m so excited and am slowly packing books, knick knacks what nots and what have you’s. A little at a time feels less stressful then all at once. Although, I’m already feeling eager to get moved in and get it over with. I’m never satisfied, I swear.

Also slow in coming is the realization that perhaps the person I’ve put out to the universe in my “non domestic” hours is not necessarily the person I wish to be. Or be portrayed as. I’ve always walked the fine line between trying to identify who I am outside of my responsibilities and accountabilities that keep me in check, i.e…Max, my job, my family, etc…There’s long been a streak of rebellion in my blood and I’ve never apologized for acting on it within my own self inflicted confines, which I am forever testing because that’s who I am. I test life’s boundaries. Whether intentionally or not, I can now see that it’s how I’m built. However, as I mature or have more experiences, perhaps I can now see the importance of self-discipline on a level other then my domestic responsibilities and it’s causing a mild identity crisis at the moment. It could easily be said that I don’t really know who I am right now and I am in the process of redefining myself and all that comes along with doing that, which includes accepting ones past self as part of the self I am today. This is probably pretty confusing to the world outside my own head, but I know what it means and it’s kind of complicated and a journey only I can take on my own. It’s good stuff, trust me…I think what I wonder is if I’m strong enough to actually do it. Maybe not just yet, we’ll see.

Though, what am I waiting for?

A Few Random Thoughts While My Report Queue Job Executes

• For the first time EVER, I have highlighted my hair. Sure I’ve played with reds and maroons and even black (oh those angsty teen years, weren’t THEY fun?) but I’ve never actually added blonde highlights to my already naturally blonde hair. Why you might ask? Because as I’ve aged, my hair has become more dishwater then blonde and finally my vanity stepped in said “Sarah, you are far too young to be looking so haggard! You can do something about it you know?” So, after careful research I found a product that would highlight my existing highlights and supposedly give my lovely locks and all over gorgeous shine. And guess what kids? It worked and now my hair is the same sun kissed color I remember from my 20’s. Now, if I could only get the rest of me to appear as youthful, I’d be quite please. Next is the weight and I’m considering a new piece of body art to signify my next transition.

• Realizing that I rarely spend money on creature comforts, I purchased a very cozy white cotton hospital blankie to go under my comforter because I find myself colder at night then I’d like to be. Very unpleasant side affect to a quickly deteriorating heating system. Whoever moves in there after me will definitely have to have that looked at. I also purchased a cool mist humidifier for my room. I am in heaven in my bed, it’s like my sanctuary and I’ve decided to make it as such from here on out. I’ve also decided to stop denying myself such things as warmth and feeling pretty for whatever reason it is that I do that to myself. Perhaps I feel I have to punish myself right now because no one else is. THAT’s something to take with me to the therapist’s office.

• Speaking of, I’m “interviewing” at the moment. I’m sure I’ll find the right match; I wish I didn’t have to pay a co-pay every time. After all, you have to kiss a few couches before you find the perfect one in which to be analyzed on.

• We are very eager to move. Don’t expect much communication from me in the coming weeks. For those of you who don’t know, moving makes me an insane person. I get worked up, really worked up about everything being out of place. My OCD kicks into high gear and I end up feeling like a basket case during the entire experience. At least, that’s how the last move went. Maybe this won’t be like that, surely it can’t be. I’m not facing the same situation, which included well intentioned friends who pretty much planted themselves at my house for 5 days straight and frankly gave me no room to manage the whole thing, a broken toe oh and Chance. Who could forget. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten (or quite forgiven yet) but we are almost there. Clearly the move represents transition on many levels. Kristen thought I might not be sick as often, let’s hope she’s right. Maybe I can begin shedding skins that are weighing me down like you wouldn’t believe.

• Max has been wonderful recently. As I said to Mary, let’s not jinx it. But we are in a good place at the moment, he’s working hard at school (with a certain amount of hand holding from mom, but whatever, you do what you have to do with your children) and he has a friend that is a girl, though they aren’t actually dating yet, but they like each other and “hang out.” Swoon. Young love, it really can be sweet can’t it and not screw up your whole life because you ran off with a guy 6 years your senior with long hair and a car and could buy beer and wanted to get you out of your abusive home life. Oh wait….that’s not Max. Duhhh Sarah, don’t forget girl…he’s NOT YOU. Get over yourself sister.

• Facebook has become so much more a joy then MySpace ever was for me. I fear it’s headed down the MySpace path but what I’m realizing is that like in “real” life, who you spend time interacting with makes all the difference.

• I have exciting news about a dear friend but I’m not sure if I can “out” the news yet. I’ll leave that up to her.

• Crystal is rocking the CPA as we all knew she would. And loosing weight and looking like the hot mommasita we all know she always has been and always will be. I might get to see her soon depending on what Memorial Day brings. I keep thinking of how weird it is that every time I hug her after not having seen her for a long time, I almost knock her over with and then inhale deeply because I always like her smell. Is that weird stalker behavior or what? It seems a little strange to me, but she’s never been like “Ok freak, that’s enough!” so I guess I’ll just let that be what it is and move on.

• Matty and I had a lovely visit Friday night. Gawd I miss him, it’s hard not to miss someone you practically spent every weekend with for several years. We’ve both grown so much and I’d say we are closer then ever and we’ve decided that it will be my job to get us to Mexico and his job to sit on the beach and drink a lot. He’s already got his passport ready, yayyy Matty. Almost there bro, hang in there.

• Richard is working on my car again this weekend. It needs a new power steeling line installed. All together now “PAIN IN THE ASS” for him. Poor guy, he’s so patient and understanding. How lucky am I? It’s a pricey job, shitty timing but I can’t help but still feel a sense of gratitude because with Richard I would be so much more stressed about it. And I wouldn’t know Richard without Randall and I wouldn’t know Randall without Carin. It is fascinating how one amazing person in a life time can affect you forever. I thanked Randall for that the other night. For introducing me to Crystal, who also changed my life. I’m like shocked out how truly cool Richard is, like he’s just one of those people. Like Randall. Randall keeps telling me “See, there are GOOD guys out there. Just hold out ok?” I think he’s trying to make a point, seeing that we’ve both been put though the love wringer recently. Sigh, another day. Anyway, thank the good sweet gods for Richard. I can’t help but feel such joy for the simple fact that I can rely on him. Relying on a man? Whoa, not to be entered into lightly no matter what the context of the relationship.

• Doh gotta go. Jobs done. I’m out, I’ve gotta go to the store, do some light house cleaning and make my kid do his homework. Peace out ya’ll, love you!

Sheryl Crow "Detours"

http://www.last.fm/music/Sheryl+Crow/Detours/Detours

We Got The House!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go in on Monday to sign the lease, pay the deposit and pick up the keys. We can start moving on March 1st (which is a Sunday) but she said we could start on Feb 28th if we want (it needs to be Sarah-cleaned for sure before we can move in. We will have well into March to move, but I'd like to make it happen and be out of our current place by March 15th at the latest. I will miss the 47th street condo, I'm sad it didn't pan out as expected...but I won't lie, there is a part of me that is really ready to move on and be done with this part of my life. I will feel a tug about all that we are leaving behind, but a fresh start is something I can't help but look forward to.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

More details to come :)

OMG OMG OMG

This is the house we are looking at tomorrow @ 4:30:

http://denver.craigslist.org/apa/1028016135.html

It friggin' rocks! I can't believe how incredibley cheap it is, they had it up there for $1200 a month ago, they must want to rent it. I already talked with the management company and my credit score qualifies. If everything goes smoothly tomorrow and our application is approved, we'd start moving in March 1st 2009.

OMG OMG OMG

Keep your fingers crossed!

:)

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was pretty stellar over all, busy, but definitely feeling good come this Monday morning. Though, I always do wonder how my weekends seem to escape me so easily. It’s not fair, they are never long enough and I never feel rested enough. Guess that comes with the territory when you are a weekend warrior 

Friday Night:
Cleaned house, took the Baby Jetta to Richard’s. That guy is so friggin cool, so is his daughter and girlfriend. Randall met up with us and gave Max and I a ride home. We dropped Max off and went out for a few hours, shenanigans did ensue and Randall went home while I did karaoke and got a ride home from the DJ whom is quite sweet and adorable and I appreciate his kindness in getting me home safely.

Saturday:
Slept in, did some laundry, was fairly lazy. Max and I watched some movies and did a little neighborhood house hunting.

Sunday:
Picked up the Baby Jetta, she’s happy now. She needs a new power steering pump, which is going to hurt the wallet a little but Richard is the shiznit and is going to make it not hurt to badly. Proceeded to drive around Wheat Ridge/Arvada looking for a suitable rental. We found at least 4 places I am interested in calling, 2 of them are houses, 2 are duplexes. All very nice and cute. A friend of mine who also recently filed for bankruptcy just moved and had NO problems finding someone who will rent to her AND she’s got 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 kids. This gives me so much hope! While out and driving around, this happened:



The Baby Jetta is officially over the 80K mile mark. Wow. Time flies and the mileage on my car some how seems indicative of the mileage on me! In the past 4.5 years that I’ve had that car….SO very much happened. A life time of activity it seems. 4 years, man that’s crazy. And here I am, a little wiser, a lot older and feeling the wear and tear of my life…but still hanging in there. Just like the Baby Jetta. HORRAYYYY US

This week looks relatively quiet, compared to last in which I had something going on every night after work. Shew.

Love to you all, more soon.
Xo
S

Babies & Bumpkins

Max and I spent Wednesday evening with the ever lovely Kim and her boys. Yet another reschedule from my birthday weekend, I was eager to get over there and see how much that baby has changed in the month since he was born. Guess what? He’s still a baby, he still poos and coos and needs constant attention and has two parents who are handling it all pretty amazingly. Yay baby, month 1 was a success as we all knew it would be.

Nick and Max made tempeh taco’s for dinner (really good, so easy and I needn’t even discuss the nutritional value of such a meal) while Kim and I took baby Quinn for a walk at Cheesman park. Like a dumbass, I wore the wrong shoes and now have two very red and angry blisters on my heels, but it was worth it. Had to break those shoes in eventually. During our walk, Kim filled me in on what it’s like to be the mother of an infant; how they are fairing as a couple; How Dylan, Gus & Amigo (2 year old black schnauzer, 3 year old lab collie mix, 3.5 year old orange/cream long haired feline) are adapting to the new critter in the house and finally, how she’s healing up from the c-section. Poor thing, think leeeetle teeny tiny momma and big big baby head – voila c-section to go.

After our walk, we sat down and did dinner family style with baby Quinn being passed around and man handled by all during the meal. When Max was asked if HE wanted to hold the baby he said “Ha, no way! Toooo little for me!” FYI, Max has a seemingly prevalent fear amongst males that he might drop the baby or be to rough and hurt it some how. I explained to him that babies are really resilient and he’ll squeal if you are doing anything wrong (no pressure there huh?) and that I highly doubted Max would ever hurt a single living thing. Na huh, not happening. No dice. We had a wonderful meal and as we sat and visited after dinner dishes were done and dessert was on it’s way out (OMG Pete’s butter crunch ice cream? HELLO!) I felt so warm in the presence of this family, truly and honor to be included.

First, I need to say how striking it is that these two really seem to have this whole infant thing under control. As is to be expected, they are a little frazzled as they learn how to make the baby happy because we all know if baby isn’t happy, NO ONE is happy. So that’s always the first order of business of course. But besides that, they just seem very matter of fact like this is the baby and this is what he needs and we’ve got it covered. They are total naturals at this. No one seems overwhelmed or stressed or freaked. Just really tired.

Second, how they interact with Quinn is a true testament to their partnership. They have that weird unspoken telepathy thing I’ve seen with other couples (achem you know who you are) and do seem to be capable of working in total tandem with one another without much effort at all. How does that happen I wonder because other then with my girlfriends, I’ve yet to have that experience with a male. It’s fascinating to watch.

Finally, there is one more kid in the world who is wanted and going to be loved and nurtured every day of his life as such. Which also means there is one less kid in the world going hungry or being mistreated. It moves me to tears to see a child born into such love and passion and goodness. Quinn is really lucky and so are the Kim & Nick because they’ve got a brilliant start to a beautiful and happy life together.

On a more personal note, I will admit to being brought back to a time when I was the mother of a newborn baby and I felt a tinge of something (not sure exactly what) as I watched Nick actually parent his son. It might’ve been something like a retroactive jealousy? Or sadness? Or even maybe even a little pride. Max’s father did nothing to help when his son was born. In fact, Sean made things harder. Besides the obvious things anyone who knows me or has read this blog long enough knows that little bit of information, I don’t think Sean ever even once changed a diaper, got up with Max in the middle of the night, fed him, burped him or bathed him. No wonder I was so overwhelmed. I always just thought I was a horrible mother or that maybe I had no business having a baby in the first place. I always say “there’s a reason it takes two people to make a baby” but I am not sure I ever really listened to myself and acknowledged what that has meant for Max and I. It’s crazy how time and experience and watching others live their lives can really give your perspective on your own.

Happy Birthday Miss Crystal!

Happiest of Birthday's to my favorite hug-ee, Mrs. Crystal Joy Ewers-Huish! I love you darlin', may this year fill your spirit to the brim with love, happiness and prosperity. You so rock, thank you for being born and sharing your life with me :)

Noon Time Park Adventures

It’s 60-something degree’s out and sunny today, not a cloud in the sky; certainly occasion to scoot over to the park for lunch hour. So glad that I did, because without having done so I would’ve missed the following:

1. Toddlers toddling the playground equipment
2. Babies giggling in swings
3. Momma’s pushing strollers with sleeping infants while getting some much needed exercise and “me time”
4. A giant Great Dane walking a giant man
5. Random black and white long haired calico cat who trotted with me a few steps each time I circled her near her hood
6. 2 women at least in their 60’s, walking 2 matching Pomeranians with stern and serious looks
7. 4 gaggles of geese
8. 2 sets of children trying to feed 4 gaggles of geese
9. 1 solitary and somewhat shadowy figure in the partially frozen over pond
10. And 2, yes 2 Snow Geese!

The laughter and delight of children inherently colors my mood yellow. Watching women pushing strollers in their jogging suits and on roller blades reminded me of a time when I did such things with my own baby in his own stroller. The dog walkers were full of a particular kind of hilarity today and the cat that kept trotting with me, surely to keep an eye on me as I passed, was so adorable I tried to reach out to her, but she wasn’t having it. She was clearly guarding something and was friendly enough, but didn’t want me to near so I just nodded to her on my 2nd and 3rd time around.

The geese, which seem to have over-run Colorado parks and recreational area’s this winter, tickle my giggle bone. They seem so gangly and awkward on land, like teenage boys, yet unbelievably graceful in water and air. Beautiful animals, I’d really like to touch the big plump ones but I had an unfortunate goose experience at age 5 or 6 and while I am not necessarily afraid of them, I do know that many of them are not to be trusted and I don’t go out of my way to interact with them, I’m perfectly content just to watch and listen. I do take a special glee in my presence being just enough to herd those little rascals off the sidewalk as I walk by, waddle waddle honk honk. Clearly, the various groups of children attempting to feed the geese also took a great deal off glee in herding the geese around the park because there was a lot of squealing, by the kids AND the geese. Shenanigans in its truest form.

The 2 Snow Geese aren’t something I’ve seen in Colorado before. I seem to remember them from Wisconsin as a child, but never here. Obviously a couple, they strode around like celebrities and the other geese seemed fascinated by them. The bigger of the two, I’m assuming the male, had such a manner, I couldn’t help but laugh. The well known “male strut” is recognizable across just about any species.

And finally, I am sure the shadowy figure in the water is our friend the marmot. Rhy and I discovered him two summers ago, quite by accident while throwing koi fish food to the catfish. We’d made quite a ruckus on the north side of the pond and there were so many fish trying to get to the koi food that it must’ve got that marmot curious about the goings on and it came out of from a little rock cove on the west side of the pond, steadily wading his way over to where we were….sort of ominously to be honest, we were like what the hell is that? Then, in a split second, he popped up and disappeared under the water and we both saw just enough of him to know what it was. To small to be a beaver, but looks a lot like one. We think there might be two of them because we’ve seen two shapes under the water before, but today only one was out. I’m curious about what he eats; a preliminary web search indicates they are primarily herbivores. If that’s the case, there is plenty o’ green crud in that pond for the little dude to feast on.

All of this AND there was a slight breeze moving the tree’s around. I swear I smelled spring in the air today. I really could get used to this.

In Honor Of Pumpkin P Kitty

more animals

The Things We Learn In A Week

Has it really been a week since I blogged? Wow, what a slacker. Guess I should elaborate on what I’ve learned in the past 7 days:

1. I am allergic to Milk Thistle
I’ve been cleansing for the past week or so. After weeks of a very unpleasant head cold and what seems like months of my not being well, I finally had enough. So, after my birthday I cut out all animal products (including dairy *gasp*) and began supplementing my cleanse with a concoction of herbs that consisted of fiber, a natural laxative and milk thistle. All was going swimmingly (lost 2 pounds and was feeling pretty great sans the crabby mood from cheese withdrawl) when suddenly, on the 7th day you are supposed to up the amount of milk thistle you take from 1 – 3 capsules, 3 times per day. By 3 AM on Monday morning, I’d awoken to an unpleasant burning sensation in my guts. Let’s just say it didn’t get better from there and I stupidly attempted to get to work, stopping to vomit along the way, vomiting everything plus some when I got to work, turned back around only to get het home and spend the remainder of the day in misery. Finally, after flushing my system with about 2 gallons of water I began to feel better and began to do some research. I knew it had to be the milk thistle b/c it was the only thing that had changed in several days and sure enough, all the symtoms I was having (similar to a stomach flu) are a sure fire sign of allergy. Needless to say, I’ve learned that one should never, under any circumstances, mix Tree Fruits & Milk Thistle.

2. Mood & Teenagers
When managing the wiley teenage human, caregivers should take great care to avoid being influenced by the ever changing mood of said teenager in any way. They are completely insane and cannot be trusted.

3. Viva La Vida
The new Coldplay release, Viva La Vida, has made it’s way onto my iPod (thanks Max) for my birthday. As a known and long standing member of the Sarah Loves Coldplay fan club, I find myself having mixed reviews of their newest efforts. Lyrically, the entire cd is outstanding. I wouldn’t expect anything less. There are at least 5 songs that are noteable, and a few that I can’t quite get past the very poppy vibe of the music. So, I’m a little torn about a few of the tracks, but over all it’s something I’ll be listening to frequently for a while. I now have the complete set of American releases and can get started on the UK B-sides. Next, I have to get the new Radiohead which came out last year and how I can call myself a Radiohead fan and not have the new cd is beyond me, how I love those pasty Brit Rockers sigh. New music has taken a slight backseat while getting my existing collection over to iTunes.

4. February Birthdays
I now officially have more Birthdays in February to celebrate then any other month. In order, ready?

Crystal
Sandy
Winter Park Boy
Jim (mom’s husband)
Laura
Kristen
Carol

What is with all of you fellow Aqurians in Pisces in my life? Frigging fishies….  Next comes March which is another slew of people I love love love!

5. Little India
Finally, Friday night I was able to have some kind of birthday celebration with the ever lovely Miss Sassy Sandy Pants. And my goddess, that woman IS sassy as ever. In fact, I’m thinking of taking Sassing Lessons from her so I can learn how to give it back to Max without him even knowing he’s just been sassed until it’s too late! As always, our conversation was incredible, the food was delectable and I splurged and had a glass of buttery delicious red wine. How can you go wrong?

Back to work, tomorrow we are going to see the Baby Quinn and have dinner with Kim & family. Mmmmm, baby smells. They make me happy. Ta ta for now peeps. xoxo

Today's Secret

I am in the information technology industry and it pays my bills well. I enjoy the conveniences and abundance of information the internet, email, blogging, text messages, iPods, cell phones, digital camera’s/video, GPS and so on provide us. I think the internet and the resulting technologies are to be considered one the most revolutionary discoveries ever next to the wheel and fire.

But I know that our beloved technologies are slowly robbing the ability of man kind to interact with one another and our environment on a human level. I believe we are witnessing evolution in rapid progression. I am apprehensive. I am concerned about our future as a species. I am fascinated and dazzled. I am a slave to it just like everyone else on my block.

The Difference Between 23 and 33

Reflective birthdays are probably the most productive I’ve decided. Admittedly, I was disappointed that I spent 3 nights and 2 days very literally in bed; sneezing, hacking, gagging and otherwise engaging in battle with the Snot Monster. I was also none to pleased to cancel my various long standing birthday plans with my girls because let’s face it kids, my girlz are my rock, without them I’d surely have gone completely insane by now. So, I allowed myself a few moments pout and got over it. Clearly, other plans were in store for me so I just went with it and I will say this; I slept like a baby (with medicinal assistance) all three nights for the first time in weeks. I also feel, in spite of how I may sound to my co-workers, considerably better and more rested on a Monday then I have in so long I can’t even remember. Max spent a good portion of the weekend at a friends, playing video games and when he came home he was tired and slept most of the time. Between his absence and my forced bed rest, I had some time to ponder 33 and what it means to me and so I will share that with you now in no particular order. Don’t expect anything terribly profound here people, this blog is based purely on a few scattered notes I made amid naps, sneezing attacks and hazy head spaces.

The Difference between 23 and 33

1. Obviously, the relationship between Max and his momma has changed dramatically. We’ve surely suffered through some tough times together, and had plenty of incredibly positive ones as well. I would say the main difference is one that can only come from age, both from me as a person/mother and him as a young child becoming a young man. Our communication is much more direct. I’ve lightened up considerably and find that we laugh more then I ever thought possible. He’s becoming who he is and I enjoy him more and more every day. On the days when I want to strangle him and I am covered in cloud of worry and doubts, I am more able to take a step back and see how far we’ve come and know that we’ve accomplished something as a family. I can look back at 10 years ago and see how completely inexperienced I was as a woman and as a parent. I can see that I truly did not realize the full depth of what it meant to be a mother, the importance of my impact on him. I know that might sound like a cop out, but I really truly did not “get it” until fairly recently just how critical I am to this kiddo. Again, one can know something logically, but not fully grasp it until it hits them in some grand manner. These past 2 years or so have definitely done that with Max and my main hope now is that it’s not to late and if nothing else, being a mother has been the most defining experience for me thus far. That’s not something I would have said in my early 20’s, I was determined to be more then “just” a mother. Silly woman, didn’t you realize then what an incredible honor it is to be someone’s mother? Cripes. I could just slap me.

2. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have cared how sick I was and went on with my plans anyway. I would have taken a ton of meds, went out and shared my germs with everyone, most likely drinking way too much and staying out way too late and ending up with bronchitis or something ten times worse then a simple cold. Because at that time in my life, nothing was going to get in the way of a rare opportunity to go out and party because those opportunities were far and few between. Now, I can safely say that I’ve had more then my fair share of fun and know that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll have fun again, so one weekend of plans in the grand scheme of things surely isn’t worth getting my panties to bunched up about. I’ve still been known to go out and party like a rock star though, so I’ve not kicked the bucket yet on that front.

3. There is a song by Alanis Morrisette entitled “Unsent.” It chronicles what I can only assume are her own reflections on past relationships with boys. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/unsent.html
It is painfully familiar to me. Each verse is like a chapter from my own book of my very complex love life in my 20’s. In retrospect, I can see that I hurt people, I was selfish, I agonized, I cried and languished. I ached for loves that were clearly not in my best interest and pushed away men that were good to me for men who could never appreciate me and would only end up breaking my heart. I was impatient, careless and truly relentless in my pursuit for a love that would some how complete me. I was searching for something I would never find in someone else and however unintentional hurtful my actions were, I caused a great deal of grief for more then just me during that time period. Finally, after years of unsatisfying love affairs, I began a journey of self-induced celibacy so I could get my head right and begin a journey of understand and healing, which I cut short only to get involved with this extremely charismatic man and found myself in an even more complex and painful relationship from 28 – 31.

Now, I cannot claim that I have the answers to all my years of searching or feign a stronger understanding of romantic love, but I know a few more things then I did a few years ago and undoubtedly, much more then I did 10 years ago. I know that I have to do what’s right for me and my family first and it’s ok to take my time. I know that you can have an intense chemistry with someone and it doesn’t mean you are meant to fall madly in love OR that you should jump into bed together. I know that my choices and actions have a farther reach then seem immediately apparent in any given situation. I know that lust can be a powerful and confusing experience, but that it does fade and often you are left with nothing else if you act on it prematurely. I know that sex serves an important purpose in romantic love and should not be used in any other fashion then to bond physically with your partner and strengthen intimacy and that anyone who plays those kind of games with me isn’t someone I want to share my body with. I know that how I trust people has changed and that I feel it’s important to be forthcoming and genuine about where you are in your life rather then risk hurt feelings later on because you just couldn’t help yourself. I know that I need to share a spiritual understanding with the man that I share my life with and it’s not just in the theoretical sense, I’m talking in the core-day-to-day stuff. I know that I cannot shrink myself to fit his needs or his idea’s of who I should be because I will burst out of it eventually, even if I wanted to stifle who I am at this point in my life, I simply cannot. I know that I have so much work to do on myself and that I will continue to grow and I need someone in my life who can grow with me and not be intimidated by that. I know that I have a lot of love to give and that not everyone can or will be able to receive it. I know I still have a lot of learning to do and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I am damaged beyond recognition because of the choices I’ve made. I know I could go on (and probably will) go on forever when it comes to this subject, but that I am making progress.

4. When I was 23, my mother and I were still barely speaking to one another. If we did speak, there was the chance that war would erupt at any moment. She said and did some very hurtful and manipulative things. I conceded to her every whim, kept my true feelings at bay and constantly gave her permission to rationalize her behavior. I also started realizing then that she had made life style choices I very strongly disagreed with at the time. I was judgmental and unsympathetic to the fact that she was a human being. I would not put down my own defenses long enough to see that she was really struggling and that she needed a little compassion and not just for me to agree with her. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her, which did neither of us any good.

Today, we are speaking regularly. She had an opportunity to mother me and take care of me this past summer with my leg injury and she did it. Not begrudgingly, she gladly did it and it helped us to begin the process of reuniting us as mother and daughter rather then adversaries. Our relationship will always be complicated, there’s just so much history there that we haven’t worked through and that’s something we are both working on respectively in our own lives. But I have forgiven her for many things and can now see her as a human being. She has started treating me much more like a daughter then her best friend and that has helped to change the dynamic of our communication. I feel positive about our continued growth and expect the bumps to come and go, but it’s a step in the right direction.

5. I weigh a solid 50 + lbs more then I did when I was 23. 2/3rds of that was gained in the last 3 years. It bothers me; I dislike very much being so chunky. I also look significantly older. My hair is short now and I wear glasses full time. Both things I never said I’d do.

6. My tastes in general have ‘matured.’ I listened to such a variety of music genre’s that attempting to classify what “type” of music I listen to now versus then would be unfair to the artists. I just know that I can see what appears to me to be a steady progression in depth. This goes for just about everything when I think of it. Food, make up, how I dress, what I read, what I write, what movies I watch, what art I enjoy. I’ve definitely found the light in my day to day rather then wallowing in darkness, which is so easier and much more fun to pretend you are a tortured artist then actually to be one.

7. Career wise I am more confident and find myself in a position I never even had the reach to dream for at 23. I just wanted to make enough money to get off the system and I did. After that, I sort of floundered for a while and now I’ve landed somewhere that both challenges and rewards me on all levels.

8. I didn’t realize how truly capable I am. I never gave myself enough credit and I took my youth for granted.

9. My friendships and whom I choose to spend time with have changed dramatically. My core group and my family have always been there though, no matter what and its taken time for me to learn how important that is and how not to screw up those relationships.

10. Rather then avoiding being alone at all costs, I have become protective of my solitude and more interested in quality interaction when I do have them with others.

11. I take things less personally.

12. I believe that the world is beautiful and that life is worth living, even on the shitty days.

13. I find myself more confident in general and less dependant on others for emotional support.

14. It is in everyone’s best interest to do the right thing and we all know what the right thing is when faced with a situation. It may not be the easiest or most immediately gratifying route, but down the line, it will make things so much simpler.

15. I no longer believe myself to be invincible and can see that this life does not last forever, so do your best not to blow it while you can.

To name a few *wink**wink**wink*

Curse You Germs, Curse You!

I caught the crud from my visitor last weekend, I fought it all week and now just in time for my bday weekend I feel like giant poo. There is a shiny red-Rudolph nose and I sound like a cat working out a hair ball when I cough. I have basically had to cancel all of my plans to spend time with friends I rarely see and new babies this weekend. I know if I don’t stay in bed and rest all weekend, I’m going to regret it later and I can’t risk missing work. I have reached my limit on patience with my immune system and I am feeling very pouty right now so if anyone wants to give me a hard time for being sick all the time, you might want to save it for a day when I didn’t have to cancel all my birthday plans.

On the upside, I think I’ve got most of my plans rescheduled for NEXT weekend which is fine with me if my friends don’t mind. I just hate to cancel on people who’ve gone out of their way to schedule me in their busy schedules to spend time with me for my BDay. Damn you germs! I keeeeel you!

So, I’m leaving early to go home and go to bed because I can’t face the world right now and I’m feeling very cranky about the whole situation.

Spicy Wasabi P

This blog is on honor of the Spiciest Wasabi P I know! I love you girl, feel better and if you come to Colorado I promise you will not be dissapointed.

Bow chica bow wow

The Many Wonders Of Life

Yesterday was incredible, wasn’t it? I was able to watch a rebroadcast of the inauguration speech later in the evening at home as we aren’t “supposed” to stream at the office else face the possibility of a serious flogging. I know it happens all the time, but I’ll keep that between you and me and the fencepost. Bandwidth issues aside, the inauguration speech was beautifully well spoken as is customary for Mr. Obama. Support his politics or not, I’ve yet to find a single person who can deny his abilities as an orator. What a courageous man, he just seems to ooze integrity in my eyes. There seems to be this sense that finally, perhaps American’s can look to the future with promise of positive outcome, rather then fear and shame. Maybe now we can begin to rebuild, at least there’s that hope now. Which is about all any of us can ask for at this point, it’s a start. Bless you Mr. Obama, be well.

January 20th 2009 brought about another defining moment for me. In the waiting room yesterday, surrounded by pregnant women of all stages and ethnicities and ages and socio-economic levels I was blinded-sided by just how miraculous the female is, how all of our complexities some how come together as one to become this being capable of bringing life into this world and sustaining it from our own bodies. This immediately brought me back to the responsibilities women bare simply because they can become pregnant and how that beautiful gift can become a burden. No doubt, having the right to choose when and/or if a woman becomes pregnant was a prominent factor in the women’s rights movement and while we know there have been ways to control pregnancy for thousands of years, having it out there in public as a basic human right makes this choice all the more empowering. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you to those women who fight for me to have the very right to choose what I want for my body and my life. I am forever indebted to you. The beauty of being a mother, of how our bodies radiate warmth and sensuality, how truly astonishing the female body is….none of this is lost on me, I celebrate it regularly. But I also celebrate my freedoms regularly as well and being knee deep in pregnant woman and visiting this specialist to help me protect my own body in the same office made me realize that these freedoms should never be taken for granted. It might be wise for me to consider this when thinking of where I’d like to put my volunteering energies because I was pretty overcome by the entire experience and I never want our daughters to go without this option. Hopefully, Obama’s administration will help halt the assault on woman’s rights and bring forth a new era of protecting us rather then trying to strip away our rights one sneaky bill at a time.

This morning, as I was taking Max to school, the streets were misted and a little dewed. It was beautiful. It’s January 21st 2009, not April 21st 2009 and though I’d like to just enjoy the forecast of 72 degree’s today and take a walk in the park and feel the sun on my skin, I cannot because I know as someone who’s lived in Colorado for more than half her life that this is entirely too warm for January. It’s happened before, but only in the last 15 years and only once. I don’t think I am being hysterical or exaggerating the issue, we all know what’s happening, yet I personally feel helpless to stop it other then by doing my part which seems like not enough. I know many feel this way and choose to do nothing. This thinking surely is partly why our planet is fighting to survive at this point and I’m left wondering what can be done to educate the masses and get the message out that we’ve already done irreparable damage. We don’t have the luxury of time to “fix’ these problems, we have to start living differently now and I think in order to make that happen it has to come from the top. Legislation has to happen to force people to change because so many can’t or won’t do it on their own.

Easily, I could go on about the challenges our culture faces. On and on. But my heart has been lightened considerabley, Obama has a full plate. We all do. But maybe we can tackle it together now as a world community.

Controlled Chaos

Life does that to us sometimes, doesn’t it? Throws a little spin in the mix to keep it interesting, this week will most definitely be interesting time wise. The month or so previous to now has been the calm before the storm, as I’d suspected all along. You dirty birdy you, time just keeps ticking.

This week in a nutshell:

Monday, January 19, 2009
1) Work
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) Max Drs @ 3:30 (something weird going on w/ right elbow)
4) Max’s hair cut
5) Light house cleaning
6) Laundry
7) Burn Aunty MB’s CD’s
8) Burn Darrell’s CD’s
9) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1) Come in by 6:30 AM, work till 12:30 PM
2) OBGYN Drs Appt 1
3) Bank
4) Gas/Car Wash
5) Mail CD’s
6) 2 hour work out
7) Pay speeding ticket online (don’t ASK, but it was a doosey….did you know they don’t’ like it when you speed in working zones? Shit!)
8) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) 1 hour work out
3) Grociery shopping
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Thursday, January 22, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 5:00 PM
2) My birthday lunch at work
3) 2 hour work out
4) Make dinner for Thursday & Friday nights
5) Visit Matty for his bday
6) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Friday, January 23, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) 1 hour work out
4) Settle Max for the night (dinners etc)
5) Dinner w/ Sandy @ Little India @ 6 PM

Saturday, January 24, 2009
1) 7 AM - 2 hour work out
2) Brunch @ Kim’s @ 10 AM – 12 AM for baby snuggling and bday brunch
3) Apartment hunting
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)
5) I need a hair cut badly
6) 5 PM + PARTAAAY For My Birthday

Sunday, January 25, 2009
1) Whatever I damn well want

This or course is all contingent on how crazy work gets and anything that might come up with Max.

Next week is going to be all about working out, packing up the house and apartment hunting. Woo hoo, no stress at all right?

In February I have an appointment to meet with a student advisor at Metro to discuss what credits will carry over from my previous degree and what core classes I can start taking that can be applied to my BA once I figure out what I want that to be. I have Microsoft Certification classes schedule in March.

We should be moving by March 1st, April 1st if we are lucky. We’ll see, I’m still waiting on that definite date from the bank/county trustee. They are dragging ass I can tell you, but I’m not complaining. Longer to save up money.

Ok, off for now. Love to you all
xoxo

Good Good Ju Ju Matty

Matt is going in for his stem cell harvest tomorrow, it’s a big big day people and we all need to get on board with sending out the good ju ju to the Universe, asking for protection and health. Next week should (hopefully) be his last round of chemo, then radiation and then let the healing begin.

I promised Matt we’d go on vacation together when he’s up to it. Any suggestions?

GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU

Review Time

I'm crazy busy so this will be brief:

My company rocks. My manager rocks. I rock.

Life is good, got another sizable raise. Wow. I'm sort of speechless right now.

They are going to make me work for it this year, that's for sure. Expect less blogging and communication from yours truly in the coming months.

Wow

xo
S

Ok Wind, Let's Have A Chat

I realize the importance of wind. Mother Earth uses wind to propagate plant life, spread the various temperatures of the planet around, move precipitation around to the land masses from the sea and speak to us of changes. I get this and lest I be struck down for complaining about such a powerful and important element, I have to say that I’ve had about all I can take of the winds lately.

Gentle breezes that talk and excite the trees in the summer and fall are just fine by me, the air that comes off the ocean on the beach or in the bay’s is quite enjoyable and when it’s 100+ degree’s in Denver in the middle of July, then I know we are all thankful for some kind of air disruption. Which rarely happens because heat rises and stifles even then wind when it’s THAT hot out.

But this, this blustery bout as of late has gotten under my skin. It rattles my windows at night, toys with the ceiling fan in the bathroom and sounds like some angry spirit rising up to give me a piece of its mind. It yells at me when I open the door to my office and I have to fight it to get back out. It tries to blow me off the highway and I have to fight it again to stay on the road. And, it just throws my whole being into a funk when I am faced with it whipping around me as I travel from car to house or house to car and to work or whatever. It unsettles me and makes me crappy and I’m already crabby today because I want to eat everything, my tummy looks like a Goodyear Tire has been attached to it and I’d rather be at home reading a book, under the covers then at work right now.

So wind, what gives? I realize the world can’t stop for just one person and I’m not asking for any kind of special treatment here, but I have to tell you….I’m getting a little put off from the whole thing and I know it’s not intentional, but could you gut a girl a break today? Please. Because I can’t go another night with not enough rest and I seriously can’t get warm, no matter how many layers I have on.

How about we make a deal? I will more openly acknowledge how vastly amazing your powers are if you stop blowing in my ear tonight so I can sleep like a baby? Just for tonight, ok?

Ok, thanks.

Love you wind, you’re the best.

Happy Birthday To You

Today is my father’s birthday. He would be in his mid fifties now, barely old enough to have a 33 year old daughter, let alone a 16 year old grandson. I wonder what kind of grandfather my father would have been to Max. Naturally, I also often wonder what kind of father he would have become through the years. Who would I be today? How would his presence have differently formed me? I realize these questions are moot, but it is fair for me to ask them and finally, I’ve stopped feeling otherwise. As if by doing so I am betraying my mother. Or his memory.

Some might believe you cannot miss someone you hardly know. You cannot long for a man whose face you hardly remember. This is not true for me. I do miss him, or maybe I miss the part of me that is missing. It’s hard to say.

He may be gone from this life and my questions may never be answered, but clearly, an aspect of his legacy lives on. It is said that my father was a fiercely passionate man and that in this way, I take after him. I thank him for that. I know there must be other things within me that stem from him that live on, but I am sort of always left to question that because I’ll never really know for sure.

It took a rather startling comment from my Aunty MB for me to realize that another way in which my father lives on through the generations is the fact that my son does look quite a bit like my father. I went and dug up some pictures that I tend to not look through very often because I have spent a life time thinking I needn’t really “deal with a lot of this right now” and by putting those pictures and letters and poems in boxes for a later date, I could sort of pretend like this pain wasn’t lurking somewhere in that closet which I can now realize is wholly symbolic of my heart. I think I’ve always been so absorbed with just surviving or other distractions to begin to delve much further then the logical obvious that when a little girl’s daddy dies, it’s going to affect her forever. Stuffed down pain doesn’t hide for long, it surfaces and when it does, it surely can take some ugly forms if not managed properly. Anyway, that’s a subject for another day. What I will tell you is that while looking through some of these photo’s of my father as a young man, I can see a pretty clear resemblance between him and my son. And now that I can see this, I can’t un-see it. It does not make me sad. Not in the least. That’s progress folks, major.

Some days, I feel I can’t dwell to long on this subject because clearly the fates had different ideas for me and my father. I know he loved me, I know my mom loves me. I know they did the best they could, I know how easy it is to fall into the abyss as a parent and not fully realize how your decisions are affecting your children, or the other people you share bonded love with. Experience does that to you, you know. It brings about tolerance of things that perhaps you once blamed another harshly for. My parents were just children, jeez he was still such a young man when he passed….still only on the verge of man-hood once could argue, even though he had a daughter and another on the way. I’ve long since forgiven him in my mind.

But, sadly, the heart is another matter. I still haven’t forgiven him for leaving such a big hole in me, even if it’s not his fault that he was taken so early, that’s where the blame lies. Again, it’s that whole idea of logically knowing something and reality being two different things. And on days like today, I miss him and I am sad that he’s not here to share in life’s little pleasures. No doubt Rose will likely have children and while I am done having kids, I know my father would have liked very much to have a grandson. I think my dad would’ve grown into himself, like we all do.

So, I wanted to wish him happy birthday in a public way.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you. You are missed.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve said that word, it makes me cry but it feels good.