The Difference Between 23 and 33

Reflective birthdays are probably the most productive I’ve decided. Admittedly, I was disappointed that I spent 3 nights and 2 days very literally in bed; sneezing, hacking, gagging and otherwise engaging in battle with the Snot Monster. I was also none to pleased to cancel my various long standing birthday plans with my girls because let’s face it kids, my girlz are my rock, without them I’d surely have gone completely insane by now. So, I allowed myself a few moments pout and got over it. Clearly, other plans were in store for me so I just went with it and I will say this; I slept like a baby (with medicinal assistance) all three nights for the first time in weeks. I also feel, in spite of how I may sound to my co-workers, considerably better and more rested on a Monday then I have in so long I can’t even remember. Max spent a good portion of the weekend at a friends, playing video games and when he came home he was tired and slept most of the time. Between his absence and my forced bed rest, I had some time to ponder 33 and what it means to me and so I will share that with you now in no particular order. Don’t expect anything terribly profound here people, this blog is based purely on a few scattered notes I made amid naps, sneezing attacks and hazy head spaces.

The Difference between 23 and 33

1. Obviously, the relationship between Max and his momma has changed dramatically. We’ve surely suffered through some tough times together, and had plenty of incredibly positive ones as well. I would say the main difference is one that can only come from age, both from me as a person/mother and him as a young child becoming a young man. Our communication is much more direct. I’ve lightened up considerably and find that we laugh more then I ever thought possible. He’s becoming who he is and I enjoy him more and more every day. On the days when I want to strangle him and I am covered in cloud of worry and doubts, I am more able to take a step back and see how far we’ve come and know that we’ve accomplished something as a family. I can look back at 10 years ago and see how completely inexperienced I was as a woman and as a parent. I can see that I truly did not realize the full depth of what it meant to be a mother, the importance of my impact on him. I know that might sound like a cop out, but I really truly did not “get it” until fairly recently just how critical I am to this kiddo. Again, one can know something logically, but not fully grasp it until it hits them in some grand manner. These past 2 years or so have definitely done that with Max and my main hope now is that it’s not to late and if nothing else, being a mother has been the most defining experience for me thus far. That’s not something I would have said in my early 20’s, I was determined to be more then “just” a mother. Silly woman, didn’t you realize then what an incredible honor it is to be someone’s mother? Cripes. I could just slap me.

2. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have cared how sick I was and went on with my plans anyway. I would have taken a ton of meds, went out and shared my germs with everyone, most likely drinking way too much and staying out way too late and ending up with bronchitis or something ten times worse then a simple cold. Because at that time in my life, nothing was going to get in the way of a rare opportunity to go out and party because those opportunities were far and few between. Now, I can safely say that I’ve had more then my fair share of fun and know that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll have fun again, so one weekend of plans in the grand scheme of things surely isn’t worth getting my panties to bunched up about. I’ve still been known to go out and party like a rock star though, so I’ve not kicked the bucket yet on that front.

3. There is a song by Alanis Morrisette entitled “Unsent.” It chronicles what I can only assume are her own reflections on past relationships with boys. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/unsent.html
It is painfully familiar to me. Each verse is like a chapter from my own book of my very complex love life in my 20’s. In retrospect, I can see that I hurt people, I was selfish, I agonized, I cried and languished. I ached for loves that were clearly not in my best interest and pushed away men that were good to me for men who could never appreciate me and would only end up breaking my heart. I was impatient, careless and truly relentless in my pursuit for a love that would some how complete me. I was searching for something I would never find in someone else and however unintentional hurtful my actions were, I caused a great deal of grief for more then just me during that time period. Finally, after years of unsatisfying love affairs, I began a journey of self-induced celibacy so I could get my head right and begin a journey of understand and healing, which I cut short only to get involved with this extremely charismatic man and found myself in an even more complex and painful relationship from 28 – 31.

Now, I cannot claim that I have the answers to all my years of searching or feign a stronger understanding of romantic love, but I know a few more things then I did a few years ago and undoubtedly, much more then I did 10 years ago. I know that I have to do what’s right for me and my family first and it’s ok to take my time. I know that you can have an intense chemistry with someone and it doesn’t mean you are meant to fall madly in love OR that you should jump into bed together. I know that my choices and actions have a farther reach then seem immediately apparent in any given situation. I know that lust can be a powerful and confusing experience, but that it does fade and often you are left with nothing else if you act on it prematurely. I know that sex serves an important purpose in romantic love and should not be used in any other fashion then to bond physically with your partner and strengthen intimacy and that anyone who plays those kind of games with me isn’t someone I want to share my body with. I know that how I trust people has changed and that I feel it’s important to be forthcoming and genuine about where you are in your life rather then risk hurt feelings later on because you just couldn’t help yourself. I know that I need to share a spiritual understanding with the man that I share my life with and it’s not just in the theoretical sense, I’m talking in the core-day-to-day stuff. I know that I cannot shrink myself to fit his needs or his idea’s of who I should be because I will burst out of it eventually, even if I wanted to stifle who I am at this point in my life, I simply cannot. I know that I have so much work to do on myself and that I will continue to grow and I need someone in my life who can grow with me and not be intimidated by that. I know that I have a lot of love to give and that not everyone can or will be able to receive it. I know I still have a lot of learning to do and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I am damaged beyond recognition because of the choices I’ve made. I know I could go on (and probably will) go on forever when it comes to this subject, but that I am making progress.

4. When I was 23, my mother and I were still barely speaking to one another. If we did speak, there was the chance that war would erupt at any moment. She said and did some very hurtful and manipulative things. I conceded to her every whim, kept my true feelings at bay and constantly gave her permission to rationalize her behavior. I also started realizing then that she had made life style choices I very strongly disagreed with at the time. I was judgmental and unsympathetic to the fact that she was a human being. I would not put down my own defenses long enough to see that she was really struggling and that she needed a little compassion and not just for me to agree with her. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her, which did neither of us any good.

Today, we are speaking regularly. She had an opportunity to mother me and take care of me this past summer with my leg injury and she did it. Not begrudgingly, she gladly did it and it helped us to begin the process of reuniting us as mother and daughter rather then adversaries. Our relationship will always be complicated, there’s just so much history there that we haven’t worked through and that’s something we are both working on respectively in our own lives. But I have forgiven her for many things and can now see her as a human being. She has started treating me much more like a daughter then her best friend and that has helped to change the dynamic of our communication. I feel positive about our continued growth and expect the bumps to come and go, but it’s a step in the right direction.

5. I weigh a solid 50 + lbs more then I did when I was 23. 2/3rds of that was gained in the last 3 years. It bothers me; I dislike very much being so chunky. I also look significantly older. My hair is short now and I wear glasses full time. Both things I never said I’d do.

6. My tastes in general have ‘matured.’ I listened to such a variety of music genre’s that attempting to classify what “type” of music I listen to now versus then would be unfair to the artists. I just know that I can see what appears to me to be a steady progression in depth. This goes for just about everything when I think of it. Food, make up, how I dress, what I read, what I write, what movies I watch, what art I enjoy. I’ve definitely found the light in my day to day rather then wallowing in darkness, which is so easier and much more fun to pretend you are a tortured artist then actually to be one.

7. Career wise I am more confident and find myself in a position I never even had the reach to dream for at 23. I just wanted to make enough money to get off the system and I did. After that, I sort of floundered for a while and now I’ve landed somewhere that both challenges and rewards me on all levels.

8. I didn’t realize how truly capable I am. I never gave myself enough credit and I took my youth for granted.

9. My friendships and whom I choose to spend time with have changed dramatically. My core group and my family have always been there though, no matter what and its taken time for me to learn how important that is and how not to screw up those relationships.

10. Rather then avoiding being alone at all costs, I have become protective of my solitude and more interested in quality interaction when I do have them with others.

11. I take things less personally.

12. I believe that the world is beautiful and that life is worth living, even on the shitty days.

13. I find myself more confident in general and less dependant on others for emotional support.

14. It is in everyone’s best interest to do the right thing and we all know what the right thing is when faced with a situation. It may not be the easiest or most immediately gratifying route, but down the line, it will make things so much simpler.

15. I no longer believe myself to be invincible and can see that this life does not last forever, so do your best not to blow it while you can.

To name a few *wink**wink**wink*

Curse You Germs, Curse You!

I caught the crud from my visitor last weekend, I fought it all week and now just in time for my bday weekend I feel like giant poo. There is a shiny red-Rudolph nose and I sound like a cat working out a hair ball when I cough. I have basically had to cancel all of my plans to spend time with friends I rarely see and new babies this weekend. I know if I don’t stay in bed and rest all weekend, I’m going to regret it later and I can’t risk missing work. I have reached my limit on patience with my immune system and I am feeling very pouty right now so if anyone wants to give me a hard time for being sick all the time, you might want to save it for a day when I didn’t have to cancel all my birthday plans.

On the upside, I think I’ve got most of my plans rescheduled for NEXT weekend which is fine with me if my friends don’t mind. I just hate to cancel on people who’ve gone out of their way to schedule me in their busy schedules to spend time with me for my BDay. Damn you germs! I keeeeel you!

So, I’m leaving early to go home and go to bed because I can’t face the world right now and I’m feeling very cranky about the whole situation.

Spicy Wasabi P

This blog is on honor of the Spiciest Wasabi P I know! I love you girl, feel better and if you come to Colorado I promise you will not be dissapointed.

Bow chica bow wow

The Many Wonders Of Life

Yesterday was incredible, wasn’t it? I was able to watch a rebroadcast of the inauguration speech later in the evening at home as we aren’t “supposed” to stream at the office else face the possibility of a serious flogging. I know it happens all the time, but I’ll keep that between you and me and the fencepost. Bandwidth issues aside, the inauguration speech was beautifully well spoken as is customary for Mr. Obama. Support his politics or not, I’ve yet to find a single person who can deny his abilities as an orator. What a courageous man, he just seems to ooze integrity in my eyes. There seems to be this sense that finally, perhaps American’s can look to the future with promise of positive outcome, rather then fear and shame. Maybe now we can begin to rebuild, at least there’s that hope now. Which is about all any of us can ask for at this point, it’s a start. Bless you Mr. Obama, be well.

January 20th 2009 brought about another defining moment for me. In the waiting room yesterday, surrounded by pregnant women of all stages and ethnicities and ages and socio-economic levels I was blinded-sided by just how miraculous the female is, how all of our complexities some how come together as one to become this being capable of bringing life into this world and sustaining it from our own bodies. This immediately brought me back to the responsibilities women bare simply because they can become pregnant and how that beautiful gift can become a burden. No doubt, having the right to choose when and/or if a woman becomes pregnant was a prominent factor in the women’s rights movement and while we know there have been ways to control pregnancy for thousands of years, having it out there in public as a basic human right makes this choice all the more empowering. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you to those women who fight for me to have the very right to choose what I want for my body and my life. I am forever indebted to you. The beauty of being a mother, of how our bodies radiate warmth and sensuality, how truly astonishing the female body is….none of this is lost on me, I celebrate it regularly. But I also celebrate my freedoms regularly as well and being knee deep in pregnant woman and visiting this specialist to help me protect my own body in the same office made me realize that these freedoms should never be taken for granted. It might be wise for me to consider this when thinking of where I’d like to put my volunteering energies because I was pretty overcome by the entire experience and I never want our daughters to go without this option. Hopefully, Obama’s administration will help halt the assault on woman’s rights and bring forth a new era of protecting us rather then trying to strip away our rights one sneaky bill at a time.

This morning, as I was taking Max to school, the streets were misted and a little dewed. It was beautiful. It’s January 21st 2009, not April 21st 2009 and though I’d like to just enjoy the forecast of 72 degree’s today and take a walk in the park and feel the sun on my skin, I cannot because I know as someone who’s lived in Colorado for more than half her life that this is entirely too warm for January. It’s happened before, but only in the last 15 years and only once. I don’t think I am being hysterical or exaggerating the issue, we all know what’s happening, yet I personally feel helpless to stop it other then by doing my part which seems like not enough. I know many feel this way and choose to do nothing. This thinking surely is partly why our planet is fighting to survive at this point and I’m left wondering what can be done to educate the masses and get the message out that we’ve already done irreparable damage. We don’t have the luxury of time to “fix’ these problems, we have to start living differently now and I think in order to make that happen it has to come from the top. Legislation has to happen to force people to change because so many can’t or won’t do it on their own.

Easily, I could go on about the challenges our culture faces. On and on. But my heart has been lightened considerabley, Obama has a full plate. We all do. But maybe we can tackle it together now as a world community.

Controlled Chaos

Life does that to us sometimes, doesn’t it? Throws a little spin in the mix to keep it interesting, this week will most definitely be interesting time wise. The month or so previous to now has been the calm before the storm, as I’d suspected all along. You dirty birdy you, time just keeps ticking.

This week in a nutshell:

Monday, January 19, 2009
1) Work
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) Max Drs @ 3:30 (something weird going on w/ right elbow)
4) Max’s hair cut
5) Light house cleaning
6) Laundry
7) Burn Aunty MB’s CD’s
8) Burn Darrell’s CD’s
9) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1) Come in by 6:30 AM, work till 12:30 PM
2) OBGYN Drs Appt 1
3) Bank
4) Gas/Car Wash
5) Mail CD’s
6) 2 hour work out
7) Pay speeding ticket online (don’t ASK, but it was a doosey….did you know they don’t’ like it when you speed in working zones? Shit!)
8) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) 1 hour work out
3) Grociery shopping
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Thursday, January 22, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 5:00 PM
2) My birthday lunch at work
3) 2 hour work out
4) Make dinner for Thursday & Friday nights
5) Visit Matty for his bday
6) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)

Friday, January 23, 2009
1) Work 7 AM – 4:30 PM, half hour for lunch
2) Run errands @ lunch
3) 1 hour work out
4) Settle Max for the night (dinners etc)
5) Dinner w/ Sandy @ Little India @ 6 PM

Saturday, January 24, 2009
1) 7 AM - 2 hour work out
2) Brunch @ Kim’s @ 10 AM – 12 AM for baby snuggling and bday brunch
3) Apartment hunting
4) Catch up time with Max (help with homework, etc…)
5) I need a hair cut badly
6) 5 PM + PARTAAAY For My Birthday

Sunday, January 25, 2009
1) Whatever I damn well want

This or course is all contingent on how crazy work gets and anything that might come up with Max.

Next week is going to be all about working out, packing up the house and apartment hunting. Woo hoo, no stress at all right?

In February I have an appointment to meet with a student advisor at Metro to discuss what credits will carry over from my previous degree and what core classes I can start taking that can be applied to my BA once I figure out what I want that to be. I have Microsoft Certification classes schedule in March.

We should be moving by March 1st, April 1st if we are lucky. We’ll see, I’m still waiting on that definite date from the bank/county trustee. They are dragging ass I can tell you, but I’m not complaining. Longer to save up money.

Ok, off for now. Love to you all
xoxo

Good Good Ju Ju Matty

Matt is going in for his stem cell harvest tomorrow, it’s a big big day people and we all need to get on board with sending out the good ju ju to the Universe, asking for protection and health. Next week should (hopefully) be his last round of chemo, then radiation and then let the healing begin.

I promised Matt we’d go on vacation together when he’s up to it. Any suggestions?

GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU
GOOD GOOD JU JU

Review Time

I'm crazy busy so this will be brief:

My company rocks. My manager rocks. I rock.

Life is good, got another sizable raise. Wow. I'm sort of speechless right now.

They are going to make me work for it this year, that's for sure. Expect less blogging and communication from yours truly in the coming months.

Wow

xo
S

Ok Wind, Let's Have A Chat

I realize the importance of wind. Mother Earth uses wind to propagate plant life, spread the various temperatures of the planet around, move precipitation around to the land masses from the sea and speak to us of changes. I get this and lest I be struck down for complaining about such a powerful and important element, I have to say that I’ve had about all I can take of the winds lately.

Gentle breezes that talk and excite the trees in the summer and fall are just fine by me, the air that comes off the ocean on the beach or in the bay’s is quite enjoyable and when it’s 100+ degree’s in Denver in the middle of July, then I know we are all thankful for some kind of air disruption. Which rarely happens because heat rises and stifles even then wind when it’s THAT hot out.

But this, this blustery bout as of late has gotten under my skin. It rattles my windows at night, toys with the ceiling fan in the bathroom and sounds like some angry spirit rising up to give me a piece of its mind. It yells at me when I open the door to my office and I have to fight it to get back out. It tries to blow me off the highway and I have to fight it again to stay on the road. And, it just throws my whole being into a funk when I am faced with it whipping around me as I travel from car to house or house to car and to work or whatever. It unsettles me and makes me crappy and I’m already crabby today because I want to eat everything, my tummy looks like a Goodyear Tire has been attached to it and I’d rather be at home reading a book, under the covers then at work right now.

So wind, what gives? I realize the world can’t stop for just one person and I’m not asking for any kind of special treatment here, but I have to tell you….I’m getting a little put off from the whole thing and I know it’s not intentional, but could you gut a girl a break today? Please. Because I can’t go another night with not enough rest and I seriously can’t get warm, no matter how many layers I have on.

How about we make a deal? I will more openly acknowledge how vastly amazing your powers are if you stop blowing in my ear tonight so I can sleep like a baby? Just for tonight, ok?

Ok, thanks.

Love you wind, you’re the best.

Happy Birthday To You

Today is my father’s birthday. He would be in his mid fifties now, barely old enough to have a 33 year old daughter, let alone a 16 year old grandson. I wonder what kind of grandfather my father would have been to Max. Naturally, I also often wonder what kind of father he would have become through the years. Who would I be today? How would his presence have differently formed me? I realize these questions are moot, but it is fair for me to ask them and finally, I’ve stopped feeling otherwise. As if by doing so I am betraying my mother. Or his memory.

Some might believe you cannot miss someone you hardly know. You cannot long for a man whose face you hardly remember. This is not true for me. I do miss him, or maybe I miss the part of me that is missing. It’s hard to say.

He may be gone from this life and my questions may never be answered, but clearly, an aspect of his legacy lives on. It is said that my father was a fiercely passionate man and that in this way, I take after him. I thank him for that. I know there must be other things within me that stem from him that live on, but I am sort of always left to question that because I’ll never really know for sure.

It took a rather startling comment from my Aunty MB for me to realize that another way in which my father lives on through the generations is the fact that my son does look quite a bit like my father. I went and dug up some pictures that I tend to not look through very often because I have spent a life time thinking I needn’t really “deal with a lot of this right now” and by putting those pictures and letters and poems in boxes for a later date, I could sort of pretend like this pain wasn’t lurking somewhere in that closet which I can now realize is wholly symbolic of my heart. I think I’ve always been so absorbed with just surviving or other distractions to begin to delve much further then the logical obvious that when a little girl’s daddy dies, it’s going to affect her forever. Stuffed down pain doesn’t hide for long, it surfaces and when it does, it surely can take some ugly forms if not managed properly. Anyway, that’s a subject for another day. What I will tell you is that while looking through some of these photo’s of my father as a young man, I can see a pretty clear resemblance between him and my son. And now that I can see this, I can’t un-see it. It does not make me sad. Not in the least. That’s progress folks, major.

Some days, I feel I can’t dwell to long on this subject because clearly the fates had different ideas for me and my father. I know he loved me, I know my mom loves me. I know they did the best they could, I know how easy it is to fall into the abyss as a parent and not fully realize how your decisions are affecting your children, or the other people you share bonded love with. Experience does that to you, you know. It brings about tolerance of things that perhaps you once blamed another harshly for. My parents were just children, jeez he was still such a young man when he passed….still only on the verge of man-hood once could argue, even though he had a daughter and another on the way. I’ve long since forgiven him in my mind.

But, sadly, the heart is another matter. I still haven’t forgiven him for leaving such a big hole in me, even if it’s not his fault that he was taken so early, that’s where the blame lies. Again, it’s that whole idea of logically knowing something and reality being two different things. And on days like today, I miss him and I am sad that he’s not here to share in life’s little pleasures. No doubt Rose will likely have children and while I am done having kids, I know my father would have liked very much to have a grandson. I think my dad would’ve grown into himself, like we all do.

So, I wanted to wish him happy birthday in a public way.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you. You are missed.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve said that word, it makes me cry but it feels good.

Silence

Max is with his dad, up at the grandparent’s house in Idaho Springs. It is always much to quiet in the house without him. It’s a silence that only the absence of a child can leave. Every sound permeates the entire house and I find myself feeling more comfortable holed up in my bedroom, with Gaia on my lap, reading then anywhere else in the house at the moment.

In years past, when Max was with his father’s family for any period of time I took it as an opportunity to be social with friends or get work done. I now realize this can’t go on forever. I no longer need to use that time to go party and be “young” because I am growing up and so is he. Some day soon he’ll be spending longer and longer periods away from mom, away from home and I suppose it is in those spaces that I must begin to progress my activities accordingly. Navigating this experience is new to me. It is taking on the form of exploring the next chapters of my own life while Max is out beginning his own. It’s a noticeable transition, both internally and externally. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am ready to establish some goals and go after them. Finishing my BA seems to be the most obvious and logical choice, plus it’s what I always said I would do when Max got old enough. Though, frankly, I am not entirely sure it’s what I truly want. I am not quite sure what this looks like yet.

There are times when I welcome this space from Max. Other times, like now, I don’t so much. We had such a gloriously relaxing Holiday (other then a stomach thing that made my life uncomfortable for about 24 hours) complete with too much food, movies and video games together. It is in those moments that I truly enjoy him and it is in those moments that we bond so that we can be there for each other when we aren’t enjoying each other so much. It was hard to let him go yesterday after such 5 days together that felt absolutely necessary, especially with the knowledge that we’ll face the standard “Mom, your rules are ridiculous and I don’t have to listen to you.” attitude upon his return, complete with irritability and crankiness that lasts for anywhere from 1 – 2 weeks. During this time period he is prone to pick fights, snap at me without provocation, and be of the mindset that he can do as he pleases without any sort of repercussion or consequence. Without fail, some incident always occurs at school either with a teacher or another kid. And unfortunately, this particular visit coincides with Max getting home on a Sunday and returning to school on Monday. I wish it weren’t the case, but I am prepared for a full on battle upon his return both at home and at school because besides the “Disneyland Dad Syndrome” he’s going to incur, he’s also facing being off school for two weeks and returning to start a new semester.

Goddess help us all.

So, in short while I am of the opinion that these visits are clearly something Max needs, it’s never something I look forward to in terms of the bigger picture because there is always fall out. I’d say it’s the most tangible example of how the primary care taker is almost always left to clean up the messes of the absent parent. It’s some straight up BS in my opinion, but happening nonetheless and it kills me to see my son come home and struggle like he does after these visits. It brings on momma bear rage and all sorts of feelings of frustration toward Sean AND the grandparent’s because it doesn’t have to be this way and I get tired of all the finger pointing that goes on. And I’m tired of pointing mine (can you guess which one?) at them, so I’ll stop before I begin ranting.

In other news, I have the option to take another 4 day weekend this weekend with the New Year’s holiday. I am considering it, though with my injury from this year and how I accrue PTO, I will be less some PTO for 2009 so I want to be sure and use those days wisely. I am thinking of a trip to San Francisco with Max. I think it might be a really great experience for him, to see where he was borne, where we lived, the beautiful city. I am not sure how I’d swing this financially; I may pick up a contract job after we move to do so. We’ll see.

Out for now friends, peace to you all.

*NOM NOM NOM*

My co worker made some of these and brought them OH MY FRIGGEN GAWD!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/george-duran/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-recipe/index.html

Never Thought I'd See The Day!

Well, I never thought I'd see this day come. That's right, you'rs truly.....bleeding heart - lefty - peace loving - liberal purchased an actual gun for her 16 year old son. Maybe I'm turning to the dark side after all?

Ha ha, don't get too excited....it's just an air rifle that shoots little plastic beads. A comprimise between a bb gun and a paintball gun. It's still not for wussies, it can totally put a hole in things and smarts like a mother if it hits you. You have to be over 18 to buy one and it is something that comes with a certain amount of responsibility attached to it, so it's an excercise in trust between a mother and her boy. I trust Max not to shoot an animal or little kids with it (those were the #1 rules, if an animal gets shot with that thing it's GONE!) and in general, I get the sense from him that he's not going to blow it. There are several rules along with this thing that include no damage to property, people or animals, that kind of basic stuff. Besides, his friends (who all have one and like to shoot each other in the ass with it wth?) are oohing and ahhing over it and Max is strutting around like a peacock over the whole thing, so apparently mom did good.

It's one of those things he knows he's lucky to have in the first place I guess. Especially coming from this slightly over-protective hippy momma, who wouldn't even buy him toy guns when he was a young boy and encouraged him more to play with lego's and cars and be outside with me in the garden. Yet, he'd still "shoot" things with bannana's or whatever else might be fashioned into a weapon so I'm certain this is some kind of genetic predisposition for males, you know...bang bang kill kill destroy destroy. I see it in the role playing video games he plays and rough housing that goes on with his friends, which only re-inacts some level of a sort of 'safe' violence...but it must serve some kind of purpose, right? *sigh* I don't totally get it, but I recognize it as some inherant need that needs to be acted out for him to grow up and be a man.

Besides, I shot it at the fence and knocked a pop can over and admit to feeling a slight rush when the can went down. Go Mom. It's the first kind of 'gun' I've ever fired and it makes noise and it's kind of heavy, but still I can sort of see the appeal for a 16 year old boy. Sort of:)

If you had asked me if this would've ever happened...say 10 years ago when he was a 6 year old in Kindergarten I would've said HELL TO THE NO! Parenting is unlike any other experience I've ever known. You gotta roll with it baby.

:)

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

I'm waiting for my co-worker to finish her issue so we can go to lunch and someone in this office has something delicious cooking in the kitchen and I'm going fall over dead soon if I don't get something in my belly.

Mom says I used to get REALLY cranky when I was hungry as a child, I can so see me throwing a tantrum over it. In fact, I remember once she was making these cabbage/hamburger roll thingy's that I used to LOVE and they smelled so good when they were in the oven cooking and I was literally salivating over the smells and my stomach was growling and I kept trying to open the oven door and get one, even though they weren't done. She wopped me good with a wooden serving spoon on the knuckles so I went over board with the crying and went into the fridge and took a HUGE bite of cheese, right off the block. Without cutting a piece or anything, just big ole teeth marks all up in that cheese. That'll teach her! My poor mother, I gave her hell on occasion. Between her and my Grandma Barbie, that wooden spoon and I became quite fammiliar.

So now, I'm sitting here starving and Raquel is making me wait for my food and I'm about to get all pouty about it.

I'm such a princess diva, omg.

Almost There!

In 3 days Solstice will be upon us and I always enjoy it so much, even when I’m being all cranky and scroogy, I still get pretty brightened up around Solstice.

I found THE coolest goddess coloring book and glitter pens online, I called Journey and they said they have them in stock. I hope they are still there by the time I make my way down there.

I plan to spend my Solstice coloring and cooking as it’s going to be the perfect weekend to stay inside and cook comfort foods. I already bought some candles for the occasion….I wonder if I can get Max to eat butternut squash soup….?????

Brrrrr Dammit!

It is unusually cold in Colorado these days, 7 degree’s last night. Monday morning it was -11. Dood, this aging body does not manage the wildly fluctuating weather patterns of this state as much as it once did. I can’t get warm, no matter how much tea I drink or oatmeal I eat or sweaters I wear. I can’t get enough sleep, no matter how much I sleep. I can’t tell if it’s the crud or the weather or both. Probably both. I haven’t worked out in like 2 weeks now b/c of class last week and now this nonsense, I’m worried I’ll fall off the wagon. I was doing SO good and there is a noticable difference in my stress level when I work out regularly, as in….it becomes manageable and I’m not as prone to emotional outbursts and/or giving Max a piece of my mind when he surely wasn’t even asking for it or expecting it.

Poor kid. He’s been fighing this crap since Friday evening I think. Though he sounds much better today then he has over the past few days. He sounds almost croupy. If you’re kid ever had croup as a toddler, you know the sound. It is recognizable from the onset. He does seem on the mend tho and just texted me that he got the highest grade on the American History term final of anyone in the class! GOOOO MAX!

I finally put up few scant holiday decorations yesterday. I admit it sort of brightened the house up a little and I’d forgoitten how much I enjoy the lights. The lights are my favorite part of this time of year in terms of decoration, they sparkle and wink and talk to me. My hopes of getting cards out have faded, I’m choosing not to feel guilty about it.

We watched “Into The Wild” last night. I will be adding it to my “Sarah’s Top Movie Pick’s” list. You know, cuz my choices in music, theatre, film and literature matter a whole lot to the world. But, I’m keeping tabs of them anyway, maybe more for me then anyone else. So that when I’m an old woman, I can look back and trace my growth through the art’s? Perhaps.

“Into The Wild” is Sean Penn’s first directing/producing debut as I understand it. He is on my noted performer’s list, I began keeping close tabs on him after “I Am Sam”, “21 Grams” and “Mysic River”, all of which were heart wrenchingly profound for me, but his roles in particular in each were tremendous. Who knew Madonna’s ex bad boy would turn into such a phenomenal artist? You’re a stud Sean, seriously. I’m hoping to see you in “MILK“ this weekend.

“Into The Wild” quote I can’t get out of my head:
“….there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you.”

Gives me shivers to hear it again. Ronald Franz (the character who said it) reminds me of someone I know, it makes me cry. The whole movie is full of these kinds of tidbits, little leaders into the bigger theme….and a lot of tears for this sniffle-puss. Sometimes, you hear something that you know is truth for you and it resonates. Much of what I saw in this movie resonated for me.

I am tired and need to wrap up my work day and netti pot my head. For the record (to my concerned public) I take vitamins, get plenty of liquids and I haven’t been smoking or eating crap. The degree and length to which these colds/sinus things last are less and less and further and further in between. It is my opinion that there is something in my office or home that is attacking my immune system which is already comrpimised by kidney disease, stress and many many years of beating the hell out of my body for which I am now recovering. I haven’t lost faith in the fact that I can, some day be consistenly well andm I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I live with a teenager who brings all kinds of nastyness home from school. It is what it is, but I assure you all…I am taking very good care of myself. In fact, I’m being quite selfish about it and cancelling dinner things and other plans I’ve had for weeks so I can rest up and not be out in this freaking artic cold with a head that feels like a bubble and sinuses that are quite gooky.

It’s ALL GOOD

I am home sick today, so I'm going to write a quick update and go back to bed. And before anyone comments...I made it a whole 45 days since the "Great Strep Incident of 2008" and this isn't nearly as bad (I hope) just some crud Max brought from home that makes doing anything but laying down and breathing a challenge.....anyhow....

Training last week was incredible, what a fantastic opportunity. I'm glad the crud missed me long enough to attend, I learned so much and I am eager to get back to work and start applying it.

My weekend was a mixed bag. Rhi was in town to see Matt and we ended up having a pretty good time.

Friday night Rhi shows up with a new fairy for me, I think I am going to start collecting them. I'll post a pick of my current so ya'll can get a idea. They are too much fun. After our initial greetings and discussion, there was some shenenagans that included drunken kaorake, a visit from Sam The Man and his main squeeze and Rhi and I watching Gremlins in the middle of the night and giggling like school girls. BRIGHT LIGHT! I miss that, I miss having girlfriends in CO that I can be totally goofy with. There was a time when Crys & Rhi & I could not be trustetd, the 3 of us or any combination there of was definately prone to sillyness and they were good times. Those times are gone now and we all know that, but a brief revisit to sillyness never hurt anyone.

Saturday, Matty came over and we had some very AMERICAN Mexican food. Super generic, nothing terribley fancy...but edible. Matt seemed to be having a tough day, we'd planned to have Sam over to see him...but Nurse Sarah felt it was best to keep it super quiet. Matt is in my thoughts every day and seeing him sometimes helps me to reconnect what's in my heart with reality because I tend to get really worked up at times and seeing him more often is important, it will ground me. I am hoping we can make our "weekly dinner night" happen. I miss him.

So, through Sunday the weekend was a success in this sniffling girls opinion and I have to say, it brings a certain peace of mind to see Rhi doing well.

Sunday morning, Rhi calls the friends she rode out here with and they announce they aren't going back home (Chicago area) until Monday or Tuesday. This isn't acceptable, they basically stranded her in Denver and she had to report to work at noon today. I am not going to rehash the details but it all worked out for the best, Rhi got on a plane going one way to Chicago and met her friends there who took her home.

However, I will say this.....in this life you always have to have a back up plan. I know this, we all KNOW this but repeatedly I see it all around me. I went from "She Who Attemps To Control EVERYTHING" to "She Who Cannot Control ANYTHING" in a few short years and here I am, on the other side of it all with a whole new mixture of the two and everything in between. There are times when things happen that are out of you're control that you still have to navigaget and manage, whether it's your "fault" or not, whether you like it or not. Yes, there is much that can be done (like carefully choosing who you trust) to avoid ending up in said situations...but sometimes, it just happens. As a result, unfortunately, I've become rather jaded on the subject of relying on others in any way. There are people in my life I know I can depend on, no matter what. That I know love Max and I, that would never let us be on the street starving or left feeling alone during the tought times.

But I always wonder "At what cost to the relationship?" I'm learning that if I just handle it on my own and keep it to myself, I feel a lot less vulnerable.

Life can be so complicated, can't it? It does tend to be when you let people in doesn't it? I am still on the fence about whether there will be any "new" people "let in." So far, I'm not feeling it.

Ok, I'm off.....my whole body aches and Max just came down stairs to announce that he is nauseas and would like me to go get him some 7UP. Ha....and then monkey's are gonna fly out of my butt.

I'm going to bed.

Not A Peep....

You won't be hearing much from me this week....it's class time hoooray .Net! Class hours are from 8 - 4:30 each day out in the tech center so I won't be home until much later then my normal time, which will cause an obvious shift in my evening routines.

I'll do my best to answer emails during my lunch hours, I'll be working during that time anyways...

love you all
xo
s

For Which I Am Thankful....

It’s been a quiet, but steady seven days since this time last week. My long holiday weekend was relaxing, mostly solitary and reflective. Taking the time to consider the person one wishes to become and the person one is actually becoming can be cause for both a sense of satisfaction and arduous internal debate.

Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?

I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….

What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.

At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:

a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.

b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.


c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.

When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.

Everything Is Everything - L Hill (I LOVE YOU GIRL)

4 1/2 Day Weekends So Rock

Is there any other pleasure more simple then the anticipation of a long holiday weekend?

I am pretty amped about it, partially probably due to my lack of conciousness. I awoke at 5 AM without any real hope of drifting back into the blessed repreve that is sleep. Thomas (my bear) told me to give it up and get in the shower so I have spent the entire morning in a sleep deprived haze; which like when I was 8 years old, tends to make me a little silly and sensetive to things (up or down) I would otherwise not feel so anxious, excited, exhuasted, eager…etc about.

Why oh why, dear Tree Fruit, why were you up at such an hour when you normally sleep until at least 6:30?

Good question, I’ve been asking myself that since I dragged my sorry ass into the shower with my eyes half open, narrowingly missing Gaia’s tail as I shut the bathroom door and she scurried in at the last minute as is our morning ritual. I’d say it’s mostly because the entire night was a complete wash. I woke up at 11:30, 2:30, 3:30 and then finally at 5 it was inevidble. In between that time, what ‘sleep’ I was getting was restless. I kept thinking I heard Max getting up or having a bad dream and then my own thoughts would drift off to the current subjects at hand (Max and his Dad, sigh. When will we have to move? How much I dislike moving, how sore my arms are from those two armed-rows. Am I so wounded and cynical that I can never love romantically again?) and there you have it, recipe for fitful, absolutely unrestful and unsatisfying nights sleep.

Naturally it was decided in said shower that I’d grab a Starbucks (what a treat!) Iced Chai W/ Soy Milk and travel the yellow brick road to work. I was in the office by 6:15 AM this morning, at which point Anthony (our morning 24x7 guy who reminds me vaguely of the devious Wyle E. Coyote, not in looks but in behavior and in a good way) apparently thought it would be hillarious to scare the living crap out of me by jumping out from behind the first row of cubes as you walk in the door in a completely pitch black office sans the emergency lights that leave a green, misty, zombie-movie-esque glow around the entire office. After Anthony almost wore my chai tea, was scolded and swatted with my purse I made my way to my cube and got to work. He keeps walking by me and giggling like a 12 year old boy, I know this guy must have a little sister out there somewhere who hates him.

Nancy (The Bionic Wonder Boss) peaked her head in my cube as she got in and said “What…..Sarah, whare are you doing here at this hour?” I said: “What are you doing here at this hour?” She laughed and said she comes in every day by 6:45, I told her I knew that but it was no excuse. There was giggling and more ribbing and then straight to the business end of things.

Since, she has informed me that it is an early release day and the rest of the staff will be leaving at 3, but that I may leave at 2 because she saw my smiling (albeit caffiene enhanced and bleary eyed) face this morning before her own in an otherwise empty office. She asked if everything was ok. I told her I just couldn’t sleep. No biggy. She nodded, clearly understanding and said “We have those days, don’t we?” Meaning woman, mothers, best friends, sisters, aunts, grandmothers. She gets it, but she does it in such a matter of fact way, the way that a woman who’s been around the block a time or two might. Man, does she share some qualities with the other women I am close to or what? What's up with that? I love her......

Anthony just walked by my cube and threw a gum wrapper in my hair and walked away snickering. He’s either in love with me and metaphorically pulling my pig tails or likes to get a rise out of me, which males in general seem to enjoy doing a great deal. Apparently my reactions to their shennenagns are quite humorous. Mostly I just feel like I want screech and pout and stomp my foot and make them stop this instant! It’s something I never learned, how to not let little boys get me worked up.

I am going to give him a litlte love tap with my ruler next time he walks by if he doesn’t watch it. The guy is like 6’4”, there are many area’s in which a ruler can make sufficient impact without leaving a mark *snicker*

Needless to say, I am not getting much work done as I’ve pretty much wrapped up all my issues this morning…the rest can wait till Monday. Plus, I am not only thoroughly distracted by the behavior of my co-workers (omg I am going to let this kid have it – another gum wrapper – wth? I swear to GAWD) I am pretty eager to get a move on and start my weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I am a fan of free time. MY free time to do with as I choose. I enjoy my work, I see it as a source of pride and ongoing brain food, I realize that domestic duties and your standard social interactions are also a nessisary aspect of a well rounded individual and am in tune with all of that more and more these day. But I see play time as pretty esssential to this girl’s state of mind. Possibley because perhaps I’ve had very little of it most of my life. My time has always been dictacted by something external, school, my mother, my son, college, my career, demanding people….or maybe I’m just getting selfish in my old age? And seeing that my boy is off with his Dad’s family for 4 days, I am left to my own devices which will consist of:

a) Dexter-a-thon on my couch with my favorite candles burning and a kitty on my lap.
b) Long hot baths, warm chai tea and blue toe nail polish.
c) A little Karoake/Party time.
d) Sleep, sleep and more sleep
e) Hopefully lunch with Matty.
f) Dinner w/ Mom & Jim and play time with their doggehs whom I find great joy and laughter in.

These are my goals for the weekend. That’s it. Whatever else comes along…I’ll take it as it comes.

4 ½ Day Weekends SO Rock

Oh and PS kiddo’s…guess who’s labs all came back perfectly normal? Kidney functions are right on target, no sign of diabetes, high cholestrol, heart disease, pap smear came back normal and all my woman parts are in order....etc…etc…etc…what great news to start the weekend with, no?

*smoochies to you all, I love you*

A Testament To The Validity Of Bodily Motion

I had a physical today, my first in quite some time. My blood pressure has pretty much normalized without medications because (my doctor believes) I am more physical active and not eating junk. I have lost close to 20 lbs since my last physical 18 months ago (I had put on about 10 more lbs after that last physical the end of last year boo hiss) but it’s more like close to 25 because of what the fluctuation in weight between then and now and my doctor is quite pleased with my general attitude, etc….

The blood work will be the true test. Cross your fingers. Kidney function is the biggy as always.

I would also tell you that with out the sanity that only sweat can bring, I would likely be off the deep end by now given the current situation with Max. A walk with a dear friend reminded me of just how far off the deep end I went last year and I wish to never, ever go there and the only way I know to keep my general mood healthy and sanity in check is to go burn some calories and KYAAAH my way through the anxiety. It will be months before I can really build my ability up to actually kicking the bag again (I’ve been taken off the bag indefinitely until my ankle/leg/foot doc gives me the ok that) but I am allowed all non contact kick boxing in moderation according to the doc today.

I am approaching this new me as any addict would, one day….for one minute, one second at a time I am committed to being a better me. Some of it starts with the external physical body; some of it starts deep in my heart and spirit where all that good gooey stuff is. But one second at a time feels like enough. It’s a start.

It’s good stuff. Yep.

PS: Thanks to my many loving friends and family for their support this past week with Max, I couldn’t do it without you guys either. You are food for my soul.

What I learned This Week (11/17 - 11/21 2008)

a) People don’t always say what they mean ~ or ~ mean what they say.

b) I have too much to give to be expending all this energy on negativity, putting out fires and attaching myself to unknown end results.

c) When browsing the candle section, be sure that the lid of the candle jar you intend to handle is securely fastened. As in screwed on tight enough not to send said glass jar containing candle to the ground in a fantastic splash of glass and audible gasps from fellow shoppers. Also, make sure you are not on your cell phone if something of this nature should occur. It is common knowledge that cell phone usage and stupidity (when driving, manhandling candles on clearance, etc…) are interdependent and I assure you, the rolling eyes and crusty facial expressions of your fellow human are not hard to notice. In fact, you can almost see the invisible words escaping their lips like a vaporous cloud of insults. “Get off your cell phone you stupid (expletive) and drive/shop/whatever.”

d) Have patience with other’s on their cell phones; maybe they are fighting back the tears while talking to their best friends about the welfare of their children as well as their own sanity as mothers. We ALL have bad days, candles will fall, people will get short with you…shit happens. Cut the other guy a break once in a while.

e) The introduction of a kind, honest and genuine person can make all the difference in an otherwise trying situation. The fact that he is extraordinarily fine-a-licious and hella cool on top of it doesn’t hurt either. What more could a girl ask for then a hot, honest Audi/VW mechanic that is willing to do side work in his garage for a fair price and decent turn around time? This guy makes me smile like a school girl, and has brought about a sense of relief I haven’t felt in some time. Having a reliable, capable and HONEST “go to guy” for you car is undeniably the best thing a poor single girl can hope for these days. Now, if I could just get him to come help me move my washer and dryer, hang pictures and put together the new desk I intend to get for my “office space” when we move then I’d be set. He has a girlfriend so I’ll refrain from externalizing any other thoughts about what I might like, but get your minds out of the gutter people…he’s a decent guy. Good people like Crys said, mostly I just wouldn’t mind having a beer with the dood and let him talk about cars and his daughter and “Friday jobs.”

f) A kind, honest and genuine person you’ve known for 10+ years can also be such a great resource of comfort. Thanks to you Randall, I was silly to forget that I could come to you. I will always love you and I know it’s mutual. Thank you.

Cheers to the weekend, TGI FREAKING F!

November 2008

So far, this month hasn’t exactly been kind to me as of yet. I’m hoping the upcoming holiday will change that. Between being sick that wiped me out for almost a full week, trying to catch up my life from that, my son’s rebellion and car/financial stresses (what’s new?) I am feeling a little worn down. Too bad, I was on quite the high there for a while. It really is all manageable. I just have to keep a sane head and an even saner approach when addressing these issues. One moment, one breathe at a time is how I’ve learned to cope. It gets you through the day.

Obama’s victory however, has totally lifted my spirits and I am due diligent at keeping the bigger picture in my direct line of vision. I feel for this man, he is facing such challenge. The whole world seems to be literally holding their breathe with anticipation at what The Man will pull out of his hat of tricks and hoping desperately that we are not disappointed. The pressure must be monumental, I can’t even imagine.

It reminds me of how I and my little problems are but a grain of sand in the hour glass of our current era. Minuscule in comparison with how it must be to even approach the idea of managing a war, economic crisis, environmental doom and gloom and other political issues at hand. Meanwhile, the whole world is watching. Yeah, I’m glad it’s not me. I can barely manage my own issues without feeling like I want to break down and cry. How must our president elect be fairing? Surely he must be made of sturdier stuff then I? I sure hope so!

I will blog more when I have the energy; I know some of you have received seemingly cryptic emails/texts from me about Max. Well, I will tell you that we both reached a new high and equally, a new low with one another this past weekend and it was not pretty. How tender the relationship between mother and child is. How fragile. How frustrating! He will be with his Grandparents for Thanksgiving; I think the break will be a good one for both of us. Will give me time to think. And him too maybe, if he’s able. He’s pretty caught up in some pretty strong ideas about how things should be right now and he’s not getting what he wants and doesn’t like that one damn bit. Kids…..it never ceases to be interesting.

That is all for now. Love you all.

Snowflakes

We awoke this morning to our first official snow. Not substantial in terms of volume, but lovely nonetheless. I especially enjoy these early snow falls as it’s generally not so frigidly cold out side that the roads freeze over or anything more then a little extra layering is required to maintain a comfortable body temperature. Let me also just say (as I do every year since I first purchased the Baby Jetta) that I enjoy any excuse to heat up my buns via the Baby Jetta’s infamous individual climate control (or butt warmers as we like to call them.) I am still quite in awe of this technology, who knew 15 years ago when I first started driving that a girl could get into her car on a wintery day and in a matter of seconds become instantly warm and cozy, meanwhile every other mechanical aspect of the car is still trying to warm up and defrost and wipe away frozen bits…but I, the driver, am already totally comfortable and ready to rock and roll. Nice. It’s so easy to become spoiled by the little things in life isn’t it?

Today’s mood is a far improvement from yesterdays. These days I am finding that I am just moody some times for seemingly inexplicable reasons. Though I am quite aware of what these reasons most likely are as my body chemistry has experienced a pretty substantial shift in the past 6 months and when you spend 16 years of your life ingesting a hormone and then suddenly stop taking it, one’s body is bound to rebel. However, learning to manage these new changes in my biology has it’s challenges some days and it’s perfectly divine joys on others.

For example, as a whole I am in a much more positive state of mind in comparison to the past several years. I have more energy, am generally much more able to manage stress without breaking down and as a rule, tears don’t randomly spew from my eyes at the most inopportune time as they once did. Simply put, I am just a happier person all around and this isn’t something to question or otherwise debate with the Universe. I am of the opinion that a girl should just go with it and call it good!

However, it’s hard to know how much of this is based on the biological and hormonal changes or if it’s related to the emergence of “Self Version 5.0” which is still in it’s core development phase, but this new scope and functionality are quite the improvement from recently past versions of “Self” in which there were issues with broken hardware, severely defragmented disk drives, corrupted software and an aching mother board that was in dire need of reconfiguration in the form of lovin’, TLC and solitude. Or maybe I just feel good because I’ve stop polluting myself quite so harshly and my body is slowly making friends with walking paths, treadmills, stationary bikes, resistance equipment and lap pools. Or maybe I’ve rediscovered music and how critical it is to my survival. Or maybe I’m just finding myself again and it feels damn good. All in all, it’s safe to say that in spite of the challenges of these past few months which I know are just what life likes to bring to us to keep it interesting (challenging teenagers, strep throat, stubborn muscles that are still trying to heal) I would say I feel more on an even keel 90% of the time compared to that of oh…about 30% of the time about 6 months ago.

Unfortunately though, the other 10% of the time when I do feel like a crazy person….I SERIOUSLY feel fit to be committed. Today, I still feel the twinges of annoyance and irritability over stupid things like sounds that seem too loud, though I’m sure they really aren’t. I’ve actually noticed a significant intolerance to noise pollution in general since I’ve been back at work after my surgery. I can blast my car stereo to probably unhealthy decibels and find absolute bliss in that experience (especially on a Friday afternoon on my way home from work), but the heater kicking on just now above my desk and the 3 coworkers standing next to my cube babbling in Friday Speak right now is cause for teeth grinding and actual effort to not spin around in my chair and ask them to kindly find someone else to annoy. The television is another source of contention at the moment, I hate TV. I cannot even believe the new lows in which programming has reached and while I don’t watch it all that much of my own accord other then a few select programs that are admittedly mindless and probably feeding my brain full of garbage (I am addicted to a certain series on Bravo) it does seem that Max has that damn thing on all the time. In the past week I have done everything in my power to avoid that little box like the plague but it still incessantly spills out nonsense and chaos and it makes me want to scream. My new tactic with the man child is to simply keep him so busy with other things (working out together, making dinner, chores, reading..etc…) that he simply doesn’t even think about it. He’s going to be mortified when we move and he finds out that the cable TV is going bye bye. Oh woe is me, all hell will break loose. When Max was a small child I severely limited the amount of TV he watched, but as he’s gotten older I’ve gotten more lenient on the subject. He’s not a child any more, kids watch MTV even it is unbelievable sodding rubbish these days (not like in the good ole days when they actually aired video’s and it was THE hotspot for all things musical in the 80’s and early 90’s ha ha right? Cuz it wasn’t rubbish “Back in the day” riiiiight? LOL) and I realize that he mostly watches “man” programs about cars and how things are made and MythBusters and how fast the fastest super bike can go on the salt flats and air planes and so on….but it’s still noise and these programs are even noisier because apparently men have a lean attention span and don’t hear as well as the rest of us so the producers of these programs make everything very LOUD AND EXTREME ALL THE TIME! Argh.

Yesterday I found myself literally screaming at this woman who was (really) driving like a complete jack ass in front of me with my son in the car. The f-bomb was my best friend in that moment and Max just looked at me like I’d gone completely mad. I flipped her off and everything. The child has heard cuss words before, it’s not something we generally regulate in my home any more because there are bigger things to be concerned about then the choice use of words, but still….I cold tell that Max was pretty surprised by my behavior, as was I. It just sort of came out of nowhere.

So, as you can see that while some of these issues may be legitimate, I have experienced a new sense of intolerance I am not quite used to and it does feel related to my biology some how. That or maybe I’m just feeling less able to tolerate bullshit? My bullshit meter has been adjusted? I don’t know, I just know that this aspect of “Self 5.0” has some tweaking that needs to be done. It’s not all day lilies and rainbows, there is something sinister lurking internally and I’m still learning how to manage it. There has always been a darker part of my personality, a Goth gone wild girl inside of me that has been both a source of inspiration/creativity and an absolute menace, able to completely twist my world around and give me license to act like someone even I don’t recognize. She can be dangerous and self-destructive and while I am generally able to keep her at bay, I do my very best to embrace her and allow her self expression (else risk her wrath when repressed) in some healthy way because she’s always in there. Maybe this 10% is that girl inside me who doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt, anger and rage that doesn’t otherwise come naturally to me. Anyone ever see a movie called “Me, Myself & Irene?” Ha, I can relate. Maybe I should name her, like Crystal did with Jeebus  Give it a name, maybe that can make it less powerful?

Doh, I just go assigned some issues. YAY WORK. Ok, I’m off….the weekend has in store some good stuff for me. Tonight is Little India with Sandy McSandy Pants, tomorrow morning I’m hoping for a phone call w/ Crystal while I am packing/cleaning house and then Max and are off to a movie “The Boy In The Striped Pajama’s.” Karoake w/ Tammy may also be in my future for tomorrow night depending on my energy level and if she can get a sitter….I LOVE that Max can be on his own for a few hours on a Friday/Saturday night. Heck, he could probably even babysit and make a few bucks eh?

*smooches*

Oxygen Abuse

The Front Range is experiencing something about as close to a windstorm as is possible in Colorado. This is the kind of wind that feels more like you are being abused by it rather then comforted or lulled softly by it’s presence. This is the sort of wind that creates an unsettled feeling for me, makes me anxious and a little too easily irritated by sounds (as in the sounds of others speaking to me) or someone getting a little too close to me (as in it felt like the man behind me in line at Target felt like he was literally breathing down my neck and it took everything I had not to turn around and not say something incredibly rude and inappropriate.)

And I am wicked pms’y today so couple Mother Nature’s Moods with MY own body’s natural cycle and it’s resulting mood swings and you have yourself one extremely irritable Tree Fruit.

These are the days when I’m convinced that no one loves me(obviously not true), that I am a huge bulbous enormity of a human being (not totally true) and that somewhere along the line…I completely lost my freaking mind (probably true.) WTF? I want to know how between the wind and my own biology everything can feel so totally unreal and unrealistic in the blink of an eye.

Maybe this miso soup will help, lots of soy and comforting things….this should help I’m sure of it.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

I should get back to work I suppose, I spent too long screwing around in Target as it is. I don’t have a lot to do today at work, this is not adding to my stellar mood I can tell you…but I should at least try to get the 2 issues completed that I do have. Big woop.

Going To My Happy Place, See You Later

I am leaving in 15 minutes to take Max to the doc as I am quite convinced he also has strep now. Of course, cuz that’s how we do it riiiiight? Pass it along to a loved one, it’s so much more fun to share?

No matter that I’ve missed a ton of work because of my own bout with this BS.
No matter that I have issues due on projects I am unfamiliar with, learning curve not withstanding.
No matter that I still am not totally up to par myself.

No no, none of this matters to germs and bacteria. No sireee bob.

Sooooooo, I’m going to my happy place for the rest of the afternoon as I care for the man-child and try not to crunch crunch to hard on the idea that I feel *this* close to getting written up for the amount of time I’ve missed, that I am terrified that Max & I will end up living in squalor in some poo poo apartment and of the many, many things that must get done at home tonight when we get back from docs and picking up RX’s and fighting traffic.

OH FREAKING WELL RIGHT?

It is what it is, all I can do is focus on getting my family healthy and hope I don’t get fired in the process.

Bruised Fruit

Ow. Someone kicked me in the stem.

If I had the appropriate animation tools (a legal version of Photoshop *achem*) I could probably mock up such an image. A tree fruit, bent stem, forlorn eye balls looking downward and a weary, yet triumphant half smile? Yeah, something like that.

Triumphant smile because America made short work of this election, there was some wicked good juju in the air on the night of November 4th, 2008. As soon as Ohio was predicted in Obama’s favor, the tears began to roll. Not big sobby, ugly face tears….no no, just the beautifully silent kind. The kind that you cry when you are so moved that you cannot exhale because you are so fraught with love and gratitude and all the other good-feelings that a person can feel that you simply have nothing to express verbally. It wasn’t until Obama’s exception speech that it seemed I could feel a collective sigh of relief all around me. Like perhaps the people of the world could take a moment out of all that is resistant to us every day and know that for a brief moment in history, something incredible happened that whatever our personal motives, we united for something greater then ourselves.

I FREAKING LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! Dood, so how much we rock when work together. It’s good stuff.

On a personal note, my stem aches and is bent funny because I was exposed to strep throat Friday night (for which much Halloween shenanigans occurred!) and have just now gotten out of bed and in to work. Saturday I just felt itchy throated and achy. Sunday, I thought hrrm…..this isn’t good. Monday I began to whine for my mommy and by Tuesday I had to text message Kristen and beg her to take me to the doctor because I literally couldn’t get out of bed or swallow any liquid without screaming in pain. By this time I had a fever of 102 and had officially joined the ranks of the semi-delirious. The doctor peered into my mouth and recoiled in horror, asking if my tonsils hurt. I just stared at him thinking “What the f* do you think AHOLE?” (I get a little cranky when I’m this sick) and the point was clearly taken. “Sarah, the strep bacteria is attacking your tonsils. Especially the left tonsil, it is severely infected. They are swollen 3-5x the normal size and you will need to be on at least 10 days worth of anti-biotics. Are you having trouble getting fluids down?” I nodded my head wearily. He asked if I might like my antibiotics in fluid form, I nodded. He asked if I wanted something for the pain….I nodded my head again and then almost went agro on him when he stuck the official strep throat test (we both knew it was strep but he has to do the official test for tracking purposes) down my throat, swabbed and brought out a chunk of disease throat/tonsil tissue. But I didn’t because I went to my happy place; it’s a swooshy, bubbly, Pacific Ocean type of place with orca whales and aged forests and slugs. I’m such a good fruit. Tuesday I came home and went to sleep for the rest of the day, except to wake up when Max came home from school and was in and out of deep sleep during the whole election coverage. But I was still happy, even more so actually because Tylenol with codeine enabled my poor throat to allow a whole cup of hot tea and another small cup of water in without making me want to pull my own hair out AND there was so much blue on the election coverage board I could barely stand it. Wednesday I stayed in bed all day again, got some work done though which was good.

My house is a disaster, there is no food. Max may plan a mutiny soon if the fridge isn’t miraculously filled with goodies and the bath-tub doesn’t get scrubbed out (dood, do it yourself!) and I’m sure he’s sick of being in exile from his own room (comfy bed, tv in it, my old favorite comforter….sucks to be him LOL) but even though this last week has been all but been a complete waste of personal productivity….the people spoke and it was good.

Bruised Fruit’s UNITE!

We Have Hope Again!

Provisional Ballot Voting Rocks!

Took 2 hours and standing on my poor feet that whole time, but I did it! I voted!

WOOT WOOT

GO OBAMA! ROCK IT BOY!

ok, good to know....

Courtesy of Aunty MB:

http://www.wisebread.com/sexually-transmitted-debt-eewww

The Tribulations Of A Short Attention Span

I work in an environment laden with distractions.

Let’s start with my physical work space where it seems to be common practice for the 3 senior developers (all male, 2 single, 1 married) to stand around and talk a lot of mad shit about women in obvious full range of my cube. Partly, the cause of this is because my cube is positioned kitty corner to my supervisors, everyone and their brother is either already chatting with her or waiting in line to chat with her. When they wait in line, it becomes anyone’s game at that point because the boys get to talking (let me just say that it is NOT a myth that many senior level techies are completely socially inept) and they are either a) Talking nerd speak about some piece of code they “tried out” over the weekend (yes on their TIME OFF, just for fun) that no one else (even us other developers) understands or cares to or b) How the women in their lives suck either because they don’t have a woman in their life or because the ones they do have hate that they spend all this time coding and playing WOW on the weekends instead of going to dinners or walking the dog together. Shocking, I KNOW!

I do my very best to tune out these conversations via headphones or the age old technique adopted by mothers since the dawn of time: passive aggressive heavy sighing and glances in their direction that clearly say “SHUT IT!” Sometimes though, I just can’t ignore them so I end up wandering over to Raquel’s cube and beginning our own dialogue (usually about our children or her ginormous family that reads more like a Telemundo soap opera then someone’s life) or going outside or to the bathroom in the hopes that my absence will be noted and they will be gone when I get back because my fear is that one of these days, one of these guys is going to get schooled on just exactly WHY they are single or their wives are complain all the time. And I won’t apologize for it afterwards because I’ve been listening to this crap for about 2 years now since our cubes were moved and not only is it unprofessional and unacceptable discussion for a work environment, I for one have had ENOUGH of the woman bashing.

In addition to the women-haters, my cube lives right under a big smelly and noisy heating/AC vent that kicks off approximately every hour or so. When it does, I cough, sneeze and otherwise begin to feel a little strange. I’m either freezing or roasting within a matter of seconds, only for it to later disappear as quickly as it arrived. I initially thought I might be experiencing the onset of menopause, but Raquel who shares the cube next to me has a vent not far from her and she experiences the same symptoms though not as severe as she shared a story of sitting at my desktop one day while I was out with the broken leg and said she didn’t know how I could stand it. This vent, I believe, has something to do with what seems like a constant battle to stay well when I’m in this office. I’ve made mention of it numerous times for which I get the following response: “We’ll have the air ducts cleaned.” For which my mental response is: “Why don’t’ you just MOVE me? There are umpteen numbers of open cubes available all over this office now, hello!” But I just smile and nod and do as I’m told.

Secondly, because I work on the Internet I am exposed to all sorts of tempting goodies every day. Perhaps it’s time to check my personal email again to see if I’ve heard anything back from my cousins about their weddings within 3 months of each other in OshKosh next summer? How about now? Now? Then, there are LOL Cats, LOL Dogs, The Westword, Alternet, local news blogs, my personal blogs (both reading and writing) etc.et.etc….THEN there are bills to be paid online, book/dvd/incense shopping and various other things that can pique my interest in a millisecond when I am NOT distracted, let alone when I’ve written 800 lines of code this morning and need a break and I just so happen to find myself on Google. Crap.

When I leave work, I get in my car and I am overwhelmed by options….do I listen to my iPod or the local radio (which mostly sucks) or do I drive in silence and consider what’s next on my daily journey? Often when I am in silence in my car, I totally space out so it’s not really safe I’ve learned. At least with music I am having some fun with the driving and actually focused on driving instead of making mental notes about what needs to get done at home, who needs phone calls, what should we have for dinner and what book is next on my agenda for reading or some other random subject like why did so and so say that to me like THAT? Or if I were a dog what kind would I be? Or what would be so wrong with starting a new life where I travel all the time and meet some handsome, exotic man toy to lavish love and attention and all of his independent wealth upon me so that I can feed my wander lust?

Then I get home and there’s always too much to do, but I’m getting better at deciding what is important. Or, at the very least, where I really want to put my little precious energy and time. Usually by then I’ve been assaulted by my son’s presence in some manner because his physical body is still clumsy and his emotional one seeps out of the doors and windows, but I always stop to hug him and tell him hello and snuggle the cats before I go on to the next thing.

I do the dinner/domestic life thing and get up and do it all again the next day….no freaking wonder I have adult ADD. It’s easier said then done to stay focused; one of my favorite Alanis songs has a lyric in it as follows:

Why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
Why do I care whether you like me or not?
Why is it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?

This whole song speaks wildly to me, you can read the lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alanis+morissette/these+are+the+thoughts_20005439.html

And listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kBt3SM3h1c

I’m off, my ADD is calling again….

Longer Weekends, Shorter Work Weeks!

I vote YES on Longer Weekends, Shorter Work Weeks!

I’d like to consider going to 4 10’s, but I’m not sure it can happen. There’s been talk of that around here a lot lately, but I know it’s one of those subjects that might be a little scary to broach with the powers that be. Certainly with our job market what it is right now, no one wants to rock the boat.

I still think work weeks are too long relatively speaking though, where’s the time for fun and R&R? Saturday is generally spent on various domestic duties and/or work and/or social engagements that by the time Sunday rolls around I’m fried. Guess I’m just still getting used to being back at work. My weekend was lovely, however brief it is and I suppose I won’t spend too much time lamenting the days I DO have off.

Saturday was Kim’s baby shower. Pregnant ladies are so beautiful. I always thought the pre-natal vitamins had something to do with it, but I think in many cases the women are just generally happy and we all know that happiness translates into such a warm kind of beauty, the best kind I’d say. Kim made out like a bandit; I can’t believe how far baby products have come in the past 16 years. SO much has changed, though it’s all still basically the same. Diapers, butt paste, soft things to wrap baby in, bottles, pacifiers, bouncy seats, bassinets, car seats, high chairs and of course (my favorite) TOYS! Toys that blink and whir and beep and bop and buzz and crinkle and are extraordinarily soft…..its good stuff. I love the little things that you attach to their baby carriers or car seats that you pull and they dance and light up and charm baby. OMG and bath toys, dood seriously bath toys have come A LONG way. I may just buy myself some of those bath crayons and little tumblers.

Let me not forget to mention the amazing food, it was mostly pot-luck and it turned out incredibly. It thrills me to share such an experience with people that I love. Sandy & Jen were there also as well as many other women I’ve not seen in some time. The entire experience was very heart warming, albeit totally exhausting.

I came home and spent an hour or so chatting up my Aunty MB! Yay Aunty MB, you rock.

After that I picked up Max, made some dinner and did some catching up with various friends. Talked to Matty for a little bit, he sounds pretty good. I’m hoping to see him this week some time.

Things at home are weird with Max right now. The transition between young boy and young man is challenging for both of us. Life with my boy has taken a bizarre turn, but not one that couldn’t have been predicted. None of this is unexpected I’m afraid, but how I manage it both as my own person and as his mother is where I find myself in unexpected territories. The terrain of parenthood is never dull, boring or lacking in substance.

Wish us luck!

Happy Monday all, I’m off to work.
Xo’s
S

For the record.......

My boss freaking rocks!

We are managing....

I know some of my friends and family haven’t heard from me in a while and are concerned. In the past 5 days the following has happened:

a) Max was injured and required emergency care. Long story, partly stupid teenage behavior…partly karmic I suspect.

b) Bankruptcy court on Friday Oct 10th. All went fine, it’s official and now we have to find a place to live in the next 2 – 3 months.

c) Pumpkin had a horrible seizure Friday night. Her second in as many weeks.

d) Working in the midst of all of this to catch up on hours, I’ll be shocked if they don’t fire me with all the work I’ve missed due to my injury and Max in the past several weeks. A raise of any substance this year is definitely out of the question! I am begging the universe to please have mercy on me on this issue. Please, just until we find somewhere to live and something in our lives is stable!

e) Worked all Saturday, went to a fun housewarming party, did laundry and slept ALL day Sunday.

f) Monday I had a very long (ouch) physical therapy session and a Dr. Appointment. People came to appraise the house; they gave me dirty looks the whole time as if to suggest that I am looking forward to loosing my house and moving again. Aholes. Was out of the office AGAIN but did work from home so I’m not totally screwed on hours.

g) I have jury duty tomorrow….maybe. I hope not, I’m not feeling particularly patient at the moment.

And in the midst of all of this, I’ve been running up and down the stairs taking care of Max. Making sure he has ice and Advil. Driving him to appointments, making sure he’s got everything he needs on top of life…..good stuff.

Everything hurts, I am exhausted…but we are managing. Still to come this week is work, more drs appts for Max, a baby shower I am supposed to be helping to both fund AND orchestrate (commitment from eons ago, very close friends, have to suck it up) and what to do about Pumpkin with all the extra money I have to take her to the vet so they can tell me to have her put to sleep.

This may sound horrid, but it’s not…it’s just life and I am hanging in there in spite of my tone. I know in my heart, that we are facing another round of obstacles and I think after that things will start to smooth out….at least it’s what I am asking for.

Love to you all.
S

wow

I’ve been sorting through upwards of 7 years worth of email on my Comcast.net account recently as I’m getting nasty grams from Comcast telling me what a crappy customer I am for hogging so much of their email server space. That’s hilarious considering how much I pay these bloodsuckers each month, but it’s a monopoly and monopolies leave a girl with little or no choice so whatever.

Here I am cleaning away, tossing stuff in the trash bin like a garbage man on crack and it feels good to “clean house” when lo and behold what do I discover? Apparently some kind of secret stash of love letters, poems, discussions and wooing between Chance and myself from 04/05. Before things got hairy between us. When we were still madly, deeply and stupidly in love.

I thought I’d deleted all that stuff last year, but apparently not.

I spent about 20 minutes reading through a few of them, just wondering if it might spark something in my heart….guess what kids? Nothing. Not a thing, except a lot of eye rolling. Wow. That and in reading through these letters, I can now see indicators of the lessons I had in store. 20/20 hindsight is a bitch.

Then, I came upon the time when shit hit the fan and let me tell you there is a definitive point. It’s right around the time we moved into the house together and things got very real, real quick for homeboy and he didn’t manage it well at all. Neither did I because I didn’t recognize this person any more and I became someone I didn’t recognize either. I can see me now, at that time, struggling with it all and how I almost instantly regretted that decision which I’ve never really told anyone. I think I knew very quickly that I’d made a terrible mistake, but didn’t want to admit it to anyone. How could I tell everyone the truth? About how unhappy and worried I was? After all, I wanted to believe it wasn’t true too.

But it was and the fact that we made it another 18 months together totally blows my mind. No wonder “I got fat, got angry…started hating myself, without a sense of my name” (Baby Bitch, Ween)

Needless to say, I’m pretty sure I deleted everything. It was several gigs of pictures, emails, etc….a huge heavy weight was just lifted off my email servers shoulders, GO ME!

Somewhere inside, I want to believe this man loved me at some point. I think he may have, I’m fairly loveable on most ends and while I never claimed to be perfect, it’s taken me a long time to see what my true worth is, to look at the bigger picture of my value in this life. I am capable of love and loyalty and giving of myself and that’s not something he took from me, it made me wiser certainly….but that wisdom can only enhance my ability to love and go forward. It took getting my heart stomped on and learning big huge important life lessons for me to finally see it all. I guess if nothing else, I can thank Chance for that. His legacy in my life has not gone unnoticed.

Oh & By The Way….TODAY IS DANCING FRUIT DAY:

From Growl To Grin

I am uber frustrated today, I am trying to remain calm and collected. To have perspective. To be the capable woman I know that I am. I am trying to take with me what I’ve learned about how to manage all that is this life. I am trying not to tie my son up and lock him in a closet. I am doing my best not to want to run away screaming like a banchee. Some days, all you can do is get through the day and hope it’s enough. These past few days have felt like that to me. I’ve considered picking up cigarettes again; ah hell part of me is already smoking again full time in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really living my life’s purpose because I seem so often to be against the grain, rather than flowing with it.

*growl*

Pishaww…I don’t intend to put this negativity out to the Universe, I am just letting it go. Love & Release. Buh bye bad juju for today. Breattthhhhe.

If I Were.....

If I were......

A multivitamin:
I would suppliment all your Tree Fruit Root needs. (c/o Miss P)

A smoothie flavor:
I would taste like Honey Bunny Berry Monkey.

The Name Of An All Female Group:
The Blonde Lobsters

A Theme Song:
Pink & Blue Won't Make Me Love You!

A Programming Language:
SarahScript