Time For An Update

I know that a lot of my friends and family are frustrated or concerned by my lack of communication in recent weeks and I will do my best to respond to emails and phone calls personally, but I also know it's time for me to update externally as only a blog allows.

These past few weeks have elicited a variety of emotional experiences and mental provocation. I am not really sure where to begin in terms of processing much of this, but I suppose as is standard Sarah behavior, I'll just jump in and tackle it one thing at a time while multi-tasking the rest.
************************************
Matt:
Many of you know Matt or have heard me reference him conversation, blog or otherwise. Matt is one of my closest friends and all though the relationship between us has had it's bumpy moments, it's always been a friendship based on laughter and a unique bond that I've not shared with many other people.

In recent months, Matt has been battling a number of serious health problems including major surgery which involved the removal of a kidney and the tumor surrounding it and his adrenal gland. In the past two weeks his condition worsened significantly, then improved slightly only to worsen again. In the name of privacy, I won't go into to much detail but I can tell you that these are the times in life that you must be prepared for a middle of the night phone call at any time indicating that you need to get down to the hospital immediately. There have been many tears shed, night sat up worrying and a number of other questions, frustrations and concerns that arise when you are helplessly watching someone you love fight for his life.

I will see him Thursday, and do my best not to cry in front of him and put on my happiest Tree Fruit face and then come home and sob. This experience with Matt has prompted some deep thought about who I am and wondering if I am truly living my life's purpose. Not just because witnessing struggle of this kind triggers this naturally within us on the human level, but also because this isn't even close to the first time I've walked this mile, nor I suspect will it be the last. It cannot be. People get sick, get in car accidents, can't take any more and self destruct. And I can't help but feel that this life is teaching me about that brutality and how to manage it without loosing myself in the process. In my own voice, I can hear the words of someone how knows how to manage crisis, pain, suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be doing more with that ability, giving back more? I don't know...

All I do know is that right now, this isn't about me, it's about Matt and supporting his friends and family to the best of my ability, which isn't at all easy because there is a certain amount of tension and conflict that naturally arises during these times because people want to be angry and blame and find distractions. It all feels to big.

In the meantime, I have started a campaign of intentional positive thought and love in Matt's direction. I believe in the power of love and asking for guidance and assistance.

Max:
Kids have impeccable timing. Seriously. There must be this internal radar that when it's time, the alarm is sounded and it's time to start acting out. Perhaps it's the "I am uncomfortable but I am not sure why so I am going to do something to get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.

Or maybe it's the "Your not paying me the attention I think I am entitled to and therefore you are a sucky mom, so I think I'll do so something get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.

Or, it could be simply be the "My hormones are raging and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things but I definitely know when I am not getting what I want so I'll act like a jerk until I DO get what I want, but you'd better still be there for me even if I act like I hate you." alarm.

All I know is that it is like clock work that this kid instinctively knows when I am juggling one too many balls and he loves to throw a bowling pin in there just to make it that much more interesting. I am kidding, I highly doubt it's intentional, but I do notice that when I am managing big stuff Max tends to act out. I think it's mostly that he feels my attention diverted otherwise. Max may be a 16 year old man-child, but there is no doubt in my mind that he still believes the entire world revolves around him and I think Max is far more sensitive to the reality of life then most kids his age, but he still wants most, if not ALL of my attention. Sometimes I think it's very lucky for him that he never had a sibling, other times I think if he HAD had a sibling, he'd likely be less needy.

Regardless of the reason WHY the kid acts out, he does and he did a doosey this time. School suspension for fighting. WOOOPSIES! Apparently some kid came up and tried to smoosh a piece of carrot cake in Max's face and Max went bollistic and punched the kid in the nose, complete with blood/black eye and all. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaaaat. Understand that we live in Jefferson County Colorado. We all know that what happened at Columbine was truly horrific and there is no doubt in my mind about why the school district made the choices that they made. There was no choice and what this means is that there is a ZERO tolerance policy toward violence amongst students, any forms of violence or threats and that leaves things like punching a kid in the nose totally out of the question. No matter WHAT, it's not an option unless you want to face the consequences. Argue all you want about the policy (and trust me, I've heard more than my share of reactions to Max's suspension from friends) but it is what it is. It IS the policy in no uncertain terms. Max knows that. ALL kids in this school district know that, it's not a big secret trust me. So, while I've heard the argument that maybe the kid deserved it (over a piece of cake? hrrrmmm, that is suspect to me but I am not a 16 year old boy with an image to uphold and raging hormones) or that this is ridiculous, that kids fight and so on and so forth the fact is that Max made a choice that will ultimately affect him a good portion of this school year. He is on suspension from the soccer team. That's a negative. He will get behind in school work and have to work twice as hard from the very get go of the year to catch up. Which, is exactly what Max DOES NOT need, I assure you. And finally, he now has a reputation which subjects him to more of this nonsense.

Don't even get me started on Max's totally smug attitude about the whole thing either. Acting as if he was completely entitled to pop some kid in the face and practically break the poor kids nose over a piece of freaking carrot cake. When I responded by grounding him for one week for each day he was suspended, he acted as if I was over reacting totally and like he didn't even give a shit at all. Basically challenging me, daring me to go any further with it. As soon as I saw that look on his face, I knew exactly what it was and decided to stop talking and let his actions and choices work themselves out and I stated terms of his discipline clearly and that was the end of it from me. By day 3 of being grounded, he was whinning about when he was going to have privileges back and acting as if I'd really gone to far this time. I told him we'd revisit the situation this coming Thursday, one week into the whole ordeal. Stomp stomp stomp slam goes the bedroom door.

Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood. I wouldn't trade this kid for anything, he keeps it to interesting! Luckily, I am able to have slight sense of humor about the whole thing. I find myself giggling about it all in private. Why does mother nature make this whole teenager/parent experience so obtrusive and difficult for all parties? I will tell you this, I know I've grown as a parent significantly in the past several months. It's like Max and I went from mother and boy to mother and man-child in an instant. My accident and the circumstances surrounding it I know was part of that and the fact that he's also growing up, and I mean UP UP UP in the literal sense, but also he's becoming a man very quickly and I have no choice but to respond to that accordingly. It's strange that the more I see him becoming his own person, the more I see him making his choices knowing full well that now those choices will become more and more real, I feel less stressed out about managing it all and therefore, able to be more of a guiding force rather than the hard core disciplinarian. I feel much less of an urge to try and control it. Though, obviously I had to do SOMETHING about the whole school suspension, that's my job is to let him know when it's not ok. But, I sense a real shift in how I managed this situation now versus how I might have handled it a year ago. Kids, they are truly an indicator of progress on all levels. To bad we have to experiment on them to figure stuff out.

Broken Femurs & Ankle Aches
I am healing well, I can't complain at all other then that I am beginning to feel impatient with my progress. Right now, I am hobbling around and ever so slightly putting a little bit of weight on my boot. The boot makes it a little easier, but it's going to be a few more weeks before I am actually walking without the crutches. My leg looks alien from the knee down on the right side. Thin, a funky color/texture and it's hard to ignore the glaring 6 inch incision (that is still totally scabbed up) running vertically up and down my ankle. I long for the day when that incision is simply a shiny pink scar that will serve as a reminder of many things, too many to even list here.

One strange side effect of this whole situation are the dreams. Dreams of falling and breaking my left leg, the searing pain, the humiliation and fear. Dreams of my current injury never totally healing and walking around with a cast or a boot or an scabbed up incision for ever, complete with peoples stares and questioning glances. Dreams where my ankles roll up under me (like this one would often before the surgery) and me just acting like it's fine, don't worry. Dreams tell us so much about our fears and what's lying just underneath the surface. It's hard to ignore them, though sometimes I'd rather they weren't SO brutally honest. Damn them.

On this front, I just continue to plod along, slowly slowly slowly. But getting there, one day at a time.

Friendships, Relationships & The Transitions That Occur Within Them
There have been some fundamental shifts in both old and new friendships/relationships in recent months.

First and foremost, the change between my mother and I is noteworthy. She has been my rock through this experience, giving me the support and attention that only mothers can, especially during the first month or so after my surgery. This experience has bridged a gap between us and I am grateful for that. She really stepped up to the plate and frankly, surprised us all. It worked out for her as well, she has been in between jobs and it was summer time so getting down the mountain was a non issue. I also know that this was something she may have needed to do for her own sense of healing, the opportunity to mother me. It's been a long, long time since I've needed someone in such a basic way and while I think I've needed her before, this may have been the first time it was tangible to her. Or maybe it was the first she was able to do anything about it really.

However, I will say this....I am not at all used to this new interaction between us. I am not used to talking with her every day and I will say that I feel the need to let her know that I need a little space. I think I have sent that message and she is respecting it, which is great and appreciated. I can tell that we have yet another transition to explore between us based on the fact that my need is less intense now, that we now must begin developing a relationship around something besides my injury. I wondered the other day if that is really possible, but I am willing to take this as an opportunity to explore that possibility totally.

On another note, I had met someone of interest before leaving for Washington. We talked and texted basically through this whole situation, until after my surgery and then he would do nice things like bring dinner over and hang out and watch a movie with me. Or bring flowers, his guitar and just sit with me for the afternoon. He really has been very sweet to me and it's been nice to have a little adult male company while I've been sort of dealing with all this other big stuff in my life, it was nice to share that passion for music and talk about everything BUT this other big stuff in my life and his as well.

Then, suddenly the opportunity came up for him to move up to the mountains and work at a local ski resort for the winter until next spring when he's supposed to go back to school. I was really excited for him. I knew he was unhappy with his living situation in Denver (sloppy roommate who chain smokes, ew) and wasn't exactly thrilled with his job either as it was basically something to pay the bills until he's done with school. So, I was like DOOD what an amazing opportunity! He was excited too, but I would be lying if I said that both of us were like ummmm okay well I guess this changes things up a little in terms of our "hanging out." Neither of us are in any kind of hurry to get involved romantically, at least not heavily involved...but I know that we enjoyed one anothers company very much and have a tremendous amount in common. It was beginning to get hard to ignore the connection and the chemistry there, but I know we were both trying pretty hard to do so. I will admit, that tension was kind of fun :)

Anyway, obviously he decided to take the job. That really wasn't up for debate, though I know in my heart he struggled with it. Whether he should stay here and maybe get to know this girl more and see where it goes, or take a great job opportunity that ultimately benefits his long term quality of life. I did appreciate that he actually acknowledged that he was disappointed that life got in the way of a possibly budding relationship. I also appreciated that he is mature enough to know that there are times when you HAVE to do what is right for you. Certainly he and I are not on the level in which you would really agonize over such a decision, but I appreciate his thoughtfulness in at least acknowledging how he felt. He's got feelings, wow what a concept!

We agreed to stay in touch and he said he'd come down to visit when he could, but I am not counting on it. I generally find myself to be a little cynical about such things and I don't really know him well enough to predict one way or the other, but again, I appreciate the thought.

Actually, the bottom line is that I appreciate the experience very much. Just meeting someone that I have so much in common with, seeing that I can have a connection with a guy again without it feeling to scary or overwhelming. I am not ready to get out there and date again by any means, I have much to focus on in my life right now without the distraction of "love." But I won't deny that the afternoons and evenings I shared with this person were special and I greatly appreciate him for that, even if I never see him again. It reiterated to me that relationships change and transition, that people come in and out of your life always....and it's a good thing. I can never stop connecting with people, it's just not in who I am and I see no reason to deny it.

Which brings me to my final topic.....

Chance
Many new developments on this front have come to pass, none of which I will list because I no longer have the energy to rehash the detail. What I can tell you is that it is finally, over a year later, almost over. And while I will never, ever forget what I learned, I will some day forgive. Probably not anytime to soon though, my heart has not yet healed and I am comfortable giving it as much time as it needs to do so. I am in no rush, I know it will come with time. But finally, maybe it can be over. We will move by the end of the year, the bike is in the banks possession and I go to bankruptcy court in early October.

Buh bye Chance, I have not much more to say to you then Good Luck. Based on what I've seen these past weeks, you are going to need it.

************************************
This feels like an adequate update. There is more, filing for bankruptcy is pretty damn stress full that's one thing I can tell you. But really, that's it. You don't need all the detail. It's not that interesting.

Other than these things, which as I detail them out seem as big as they've felt to me in the past month, I am reading a lot. I've missed books, how they encourage thought and emotion. I've always read at least a little each night on most nights, but lately, I've been reading whole books in a few days. Partly because I am still not sleeping well which gives adequate time for reading but also because I feel I have the actual energy to do so. Reading prompts thought on my end, to the extent that I often can't books down or must journal on what I am thinking/feeling immediately which then brings me into a whole other method of procesesing that can take hours upon hours. Plus, it keeps me out of the refridgerator. Which actually, you will all be pleased to know that I have managed not to put on any weight. Though, I FEEL flabby and bloated. I cringe at the amount of muscle tone I've probably lost during all this...but I am pleased that I have managed to mostly stay out of the fridge and peanut butter. I will tell you one thing I've learned for sure is that there IS a huge difference between actual hunger and emotional eating, not being able to perform a simple act like walking up or down the stairs to get into the peanut butter jar or have left overs from dinner makes this fact very real. For this, I am thankful. And since I burn very few calories right now, I am not hungry a lot. Thirsty, yes cuz it's summer in Colorado, but not hungry.

I should go. I am trying to cook simple meals each night now, though I still need a fair amount of help from Max. He might be a hormonal teenager, but I will tell you that he IS such a cool person. Which you all know anyway:)

Until next time, my love to you all.

xo
SLC

Michelle

I live in Colorado right now, it's the era of DNC. It's big news around here, you'd think you'd landed in Donkey Land. Which is ironic cuz Bronco's Haters call the Bronco's the Donkey's...but anyway.....

Michelle Obama's speech tonight rocked my world. She got up there, said what she needed to say and stood tall for her man and what she believes in. I almost cried (I am strangely void of emotion in recent months, perhaps I've cried out all my tears finally?) and made Max watch it, cuz it's a monumental time in our culture.

She was amazing, plain and simple. I would be honored to have her as our first lady, because in spite of what many people might say about my politics, I DO love this country and I DO appreciate all the sacrifice that has occurred in order for me to live as a young, single mother with an education and a great job in this culture. Yes, it could be better....but that's what life is, there's always room for improvement.

Well done, I salute you girl!

Meme ( as borrowed from Crystal)

Every day, I would like to:
1. Practice greatfullness, compassion & kindess.
2. Hug & Kiss my baby boy.
3. Excercise (preferrabley outside.)
4. Laugh

Every week, I would like to:
1. Visit with friends & family.
2. Nap in the middle of the afternoon.
3. Get to the mountains, ocean or other things nature.
4. Write at least 3 x's in my blogg, journal, poetry/short stories.

In three months, I would like to:
1. Have settled into a manageable and reasonable excercise regime to keep improving the health and strength of my body.
2. See Matt get out of the hospital.
3. Have found the perfect place to move to.
4. Give my attention and efforts to those in my life who need me.

Before next year, I would like to:
1. Loose 20 lbs and attended all physical therapy sessions.
2. Obtain my Microsoft Certification (.Net Developer.)
3. Begin rebuilding my life financially.
4. Get my ass to Red Rocks for a concert, it's been too long!

In two to five years, I would like to:
1. Begin helping Max look at life after high school.
2. Begin setting goals for myself after Max is out of high school.
3. Go on vacation outside of Colorado.
4. Committ to my next tattoo and begin that work.

Before I die, I would like to:
1. Fall in love again and possibley consider marriage.
2. Travel out of the country.
3. Visit my father's grave.
4. Work with homeless/battered women and children.

*********

Eight Things: A Meme

8 things I am passionate about:
- Tolerance
- Compassion
- Kindness
- Love
- The Pursuit Of Knowledge
- Animals
- Children
- World Peace

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
- The Tao Te Ching (Many versions)
- Eat, Pray, Love
- This Much I Know Is True
- The Prophet
- The Time Traveler's Wife
- Blue Shoes
- When The Messenger Is Hot
- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

8 words/phrases that I say often:
- DOOD!
- It is what it is.
- Max or Max James!
- Gaia, you are a BAD KITTY! That's MY potpie, bad Mr. Kitty!
- Wow
- Yes
- Thank You
- Please

8 things I want to do before I die:
- Travel all over the world.
- Work/volunteer with animals.
- Have completed a quarter sleeve on my right arm.
- See my son find love and marry.
- See my grandchildren into the world.
- Have found forgiveness.
- Learn to ride a motorcycle.
- Go back to school.

8 things I've learned in my life:
- Change is the only consistent permanent.
- The people you love in life can be gone in an instant.
- Joy can be found in every day, even on the ones that don't feel so joyous.
- Time does heal, slowly but surely.
- Karma is a real thing and it doesn't mess around.
- Love isn't someting I can ever stop doing.
- Grab opportunities as they present themselves, even if you feel unsure of it.
- Trusting until you are given a reason not to isn't something I can ever give up on, but if you are given a reason not to, stop the trust, be done with it and move on.

8 places I want to see:
- New Zealand
- Rome
- New York
- India
- The Carribean
- Jamaica Mon
- Can Cun
- Brazil

8 things I currently want/need:
- For Matt to get stabilized
- Restful Sleep (sleeping w/a cast sucks)
- To get back to work
- To loose 20 lbs
- For Max to understand the basic importance of feeding the cats
- Someone to come help clean my house
- To be able to drive
- Sunlight

How to not take things personally.....

My son had an assignment for school in which he was to prepare a "Me-Bag." This bag was to represent, amongst many other things, his favorite music, activities, experiences and people. He choose pictures, items from his room, songs from his iPod and so on to do so. He do a fairly thorough job and I was pleased with the effort he took in doing this assignment.

Except, that I couldn't help but notice that Max basically FILLED his entire photo album with pictures of his Dad and his Dad's family.

HUH? WTF?

Ok ok, so I shouldn't take this personally. Max has the right to feel how he feels about his Dad and his Dad's family, however delusional (doh, that wasn't very nice was it?) Alot of his memories of them are very "fun" memories in that they only get to DO the FUN stuff with Max, like take him on vacations to Florida and spend the money they make on buying him toys and gadgets and other things instead of things like you know, food and making sure he has health insurance. They are grandparents, that's what they get to do! Lucky lucky. I realize that, I get it. But it's hard to deny that it hurt me that there was not a single picture of me or my family in that album. Not a SINGLE one.

UM, HELLO!

It's no secret that Max basically can't stand me half the time right now. I represent all that is fundmentally obnoxious in his world right now. Responsibility, accountability and the glaring truth that this little family we've created may be minus the "traditional" aspects of a family, but that we still love each other and stick by each other no matter what and that sometimes means that I screw up to. Clearly, I am not the picture of perfection. That's fair. Totally.


BUT.....

Not even one photo of the several hundred of he and I? I'm like okay so the last almost 17 years (I have to count the time I was actually pregnant with the boy becuase that was pretty intense too) have little relevance in the mind of a self-absorbed teenager when he's discussing the most notable moments of his life thus far with his classmates.

So how does a mom NOT take that personally?

Why I Love Colorado.....

Snow in summer.

Yes folks, they are forecasting SNOW on Friday & Saturday, even though it is 90 degree's today, we are supposedly going to see thunder snow this weekend which is quite the event if you've never experienced it. It's sort of eery actually, because snow has this isolating effect for me and then there's this ominous booming from up above from no obvious source....it's sort of disorienting. BUT very cool and I enjoy it in all it's disorienting glory.

Very cool and this, is Why I *Heart* Colorado. It's about as back assward as I am:)

Forgiveness

I am not sleeping well, so I am doing a lot of reading. Staying up until all hours of the night reading and I'll tell you, reading until 3 AM can have a strong affect on ones mental state. Life already feels pretty dream like as it is, so all this "input" until the wee hours of the night can do a number on a girl.

On my mind lately is forgiveness. Last night I had this moment that was so painfully clear I can hardly believe it took me THIS long to let it come to the forfront:

Forgivness may be the only way for me to ever fully find happiness and clarity within. I've always forgiven on the premis that it is just what is the right thing to do, I honestly am not sure I've spent any real time thinking of the ultimate implications for how forgiving others affects me. To some degree yes, but last night's moment was definately one of "this just might be it girl, keep digging that direction!"

I love those moments, it's part of what makes me feel alive.

Communication

I've recently ran into some minor communication blunders that have puzzled me. I consider myself a fairly capable communicator. I am comfortable communicating on large social levels as well as in one on one scenarios. I enjoy interactions with others a great deal and because part of my personality is so clearly extroverted, I enjoy (at times) processing externally and/or having interactions with others in which they are processing or problem solving with me externally.

However, there was a time in my life, where I felt I spent almost to much time explaining myself. Defending what I meant by this comment or that look so as to avoid confusions with others. I would find myself apologizing and feeling really guilty, wondering if someone had misunderstood me and as a result would have hurt feelings or end up disliking me in some manner.

Through the years, I've felt less inclined to do so. Partly, I believe, because age and experience has provided me with more confidence and I find myself putting MUCH less energy into what others think of me. Time has given me some room to observe others and myself both socially and interpersonally and I have learned to be less concerned about how my communications may be perceived by others as I guess I just generally believe that others will know my intentions are not ill intended or otherwise contain hidden messages of any kind.

However, I am finding out that like all things, there is sort of a balance of the two extremes. How does one articulate confidently, efficiently and effectively without somehow miscommunicating the intended message? I recongize that there are many other factors to consider: Body language, tone of voice, etc...I am wondering if that is where I need to focus my efforts more lately? Or, perhaps I've just gotten lazy and simply assumed that others are going to KNOW what I mean by my messages.

All I know, is that in as many time weeks I've had at least 3 or 4 communications that somehow went awry and I managed to upset, catch off guard or otherwise peeve good friends off without my even knowing I'd done so.

Maybe all the alone time is turning me into a crazy cat lady, one who's loosing touch with her human counterparts. Soon I'll be all like "Meow meow,meow mowoooww?"

:)

2 Weeks

2 weeks since the surgery, all is going well. YAY Me.

Mom went home today, she has been such a blessing, we'll sure miss her.

More soon, just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing ok. I'm a little achy and, but otherwise good.

How you could even have the balls to look at me and laugh today in Safeway is beyond me. How can YOU laugh at ME? How can you laugh at MY suffering, when so much of is a result of your actions, how can you not see that?

After everything you've done. You've stolen from, cheated, lied, conned and otherwise disrespected me and my entire family. I am sure you've still managed some how to rationalize it in your mind. Cuz you know, you are SUCH a good guy. You are so sound in the karmic sense? You are a good man, a kind man, a compassionate man? Humble and worshipping of the feminne divine, full of integrity and a martry of peace?

I am sure you are still, to this day after having stolen SO much from me, almost everything some might say....are still quite full of your self, still so sure of what kind of man you are, when in fact, you are nothing more than a child.

You make me sick. You aren't even man enough to face me, my son, any of my family. Coward. Narcassistic, self-absorbed slime. To say that I dislike you is an understatement but I can't ever hate you, not really, because it goes against what I believe in. I won't propegate the hate of this world, not on your sorry ass. Your not even worth it.

Besides, I would first have to hate myself for falling for your lies and manipulation and I can never do that. I've already lost enough, I won't loose what's left of my self worth.

Today you may have sealed your fate with the Universe. I keep trying to keep the faith, trying to remember that you will some day reap what you've sown. Right now, it sometimes feels like I am the only one suffering for this mess we made together. I try to remember that someday this will all be over, I even have days where I almost feel sorry for you because you really are screwed on the macro level. You can't do something so horrendous to another person and not have it come back to you, you just can't. At least I hope not, otherwise everything I've always believed in is a lie. You can keep passing it off like it's nothing, denying it. But it will come back to you. I hope that I am already paying for my mistakes and that I can just move on with my life.

I don't have anything else to say right now, I am still shocked that you would be so cruel as to laugh at me while I'm in this condition. You really are scum.

07/14/2008 Update

Hi All,

Hope your summer is treating you well, it's a hot one on this side of the world that's for sure!

My surgery is sheduled for Wednesday at 1 PM, it will last 1 - 3 hours depending on how badly damaged my ligaments and bones are. I am expected to recover well and likely have

I will be pretty out of it for the first few days, you likely won't hear much from me for the next week or two. I am really not allowed to do much except ice and elevate, ice and elevate. And then, ice and elevate again:) After that I will steadily be more available (hopefully) and expect to return to working from hnome b mid August.

Hope you are all well, I'll keep you posted as more info becomes available.

Much love
S

07/09/08 Update

Hello All,

You are receiving this because you have requested that I keep you in the loop
about my current situation or I figured you may not have the detail and I should
fill you in. I apologize for not being more personal, but it’s about the best I
can do right now.

A few weeks ago, while on vacation in WA, I slipped down a small flight of
stairs and busted my right leg up pretty badly. At first we thought it was just
a bad sprain, but the pain was pretty severe and I heard crunching when I fell.
We were staying at my dear friends Dane & Crystal’s at the time. We were
supposed to be wrapping up our vacation there and heading home. The Universe
had different plans for moiJ

As it turned out, my fibula is broken in one spot, as well as two smaller
fractures beneath it closer to my foot. The fibula (for those of you who don’t
know, because I didn’t know) is the small leg bone next to your tibia. So, the
dr. at the urgent care facility gave me a boot, some pain meds and sent me on my
way, insisting I see a podiatrist/orthopedic specialist upon our return to CO. I was also
under strict instruction NOT to fly, so we had to postpone our flight and we
didn’t return to Denver until Tuesday 07/02/2008 (postponed from Sunday
06/29/2008.) With the 4th of July holiday; I wasn’t able to get into Drs until
today.

Today, Mom came and took me to the Drs, more x-rays were done and unfortunately,
my fears about surgery were solidified and I am scheduled for surgery Wednesday
or Thursday next week (07/16 or 07/18.) They are going to plate my fibula and
insert screws to get everything back to normal. I’m going to have hardware, woo
hoo! I’ll set off alarms at airports for real now.

The prognosis thus far is that I will be in recovery mode from surgery for a
minimum of two weeks after the surgery, most likely I won’t be able to work from
home at all during that time. Thus far, I’ve been lucky enough to still be able
to work some hours from home and I should be able to continue working from home
after that 2 week period is finished (hopefully, dr said some folks take up to 4 weeks to
get past the initial surgery depending on pain and what not.)

I will have a hard cast for 4 – 6 weeks after surgery; it is my right foot so I
am unable to drive. I will be in a boot cast for another 4 weeks after that.
We are looking at a minimum of 2 –3 months recovery time. Like the doc said, I
sure didn’t mess around on this one! Apparently when I hurt myself I do it up
right!

I am not 100% sure about what's going to happen with work, I need to get with my
boss and see what's the best for everyone involved. I am lucky to have a pretty
great employer, my supervisor totally rocks for which I am also grateful. I
feel pretty confident that we'll get things worked out in such a way that
addresses everyones needs. Some people might think I am nuts, but I will miss
being in the office these weeks. I'll miss my coworkers, that's for sure.

A lot of people have expressed concern about pain. Right now, I am pretty ok.
They gave me a splint until the surgery, it’s like a soft/half cast type of thing
and it’s not comfortable, but it feels more stable then the boot cast. Bathing
should be interesting with this, argh. Pre surgery, I am going to try and just
stay on the ibuprofens for the most part and maybe some pain meds at night (it’s
usually pretty creepy by the end of the day) and then when the surgery comes
I’ll probably be pretty doped up for the first few weeks. So I’ll be doing a
lot of sleeping I’m sure. Resting people heal quicker, go figure huh?

In the midst of this we have Max starting his sophomore year of high school next
month, I am still unsure of how long we have at the house and I have no idea how
much all of this is going to cost. Thank the gods for insurance, but even with
that and because I will have less income and not mention our regular bills
(food, etc…) it’s still looking a little scary at the moment.

But, I keep telling myself to hang in there. Lots of deep breathes. Again, I
do feel surprisingly positive. Everyone has been so supportive. I need to give extra props
out to Dane for his patience with the situation while I was in WA and to my mom,
Kristen and everyone else who has gone grocery shopping, given me rides,
listened to me cry, brought us food, etc. Thank you so much! I suspect I will
be calling on all of you again in the coming weeks and months, actually you can
pretty much expect it at this point.

And, Max of course deserves a pretty significant high five. We’ve had a few
rough days, but he really has been amazing. I can’t imagine doing this without
him. I also have Thomas (my teddy bear) and two very sweet kitty cats too keep
myecompany.

If I could get the hang of the crutches on the stairs we’d be in good shape. I
never once thought I be in crutches when we moved in this place, ah well, I’m
learning to crab crawl well and my abs and upper body are getting a good work
out that’s for damn sure.

That’s about it for now. I will update more as I can. Keep us in your hearts and thoughts; we need all the good juju we can get right now.

My love to you all
Xo
S

An Update

I plan to have more detail on our trip to WA up sometime this week.

I am improving daily, I haven't taken any pain meds today yet which makes me happy. I am going to start getting off those and go straight to ibuprofens in the coming week. The swelling has also gone down significantly and blood is beginning to move through the area's, which I have to tell you, is an experience. I can feel the blood moving around in there and things crunch a little and it kind of stings and aches which is a really strange sensation, it's really odd to feel my body actually healing, but interesting too. Since the blood is moving around finally, everything is starting to bruise. Starting to look pretty gnarly, I will be sure to document this via photograph and post accordingly so as to adequately disgust you all:)

I haven't gotten to the orthopedist yet because of the holiday weekend, that will also happen this week.

Max is being pretty great most of the time. I've had to pull rank on him once or twice, remind him that I am simply human and this was an accident and he's really all I've got out here.

It has been an emotionally trying week in a number of ways. MB asked me if the work I mentioned in earlier posts feels less scary still, my answer is yes. Much feels like it is coming full circle for me, it's taken time, but I am getting back on top. A little bit each day, I'm making progress. My friends and family are amazing and supportive, yet comfortable giving me lots of space to come to the light in my own way, on my own terms. I don't even know who I am or what I am going to do with my life, but there seems to be a lot of faith in me anyways. I am grateful for that.

I am ordering pizza for dinner, it's a cop out but it will make Max happy (so he doesn't have to put something in the microwave which is apparently more than should be expected of him today) and me too b/c cheese and veggies on dough makes me happy:) I've been really watching my caloric intake, not today:)

Love to you all, more to come soon!
xo,
S

PS: I watched this fabulous movie about Sex Education in schools called "The Education Of Shelby Knox." It's about a 15 year old girl named Shelby Knox in Lubbox TX (this city at the highest teen pregnancy/STD rate in the USA in 2002) who had taken the purity pledge and also began noticing the increasing numbers of pregnant girls and teens with Gonohrea (it's back, scary!) in her grade. She basically begins a cruscade to educate teens about contraception and safe sex practices. It journals her experiences through the process, including serious backlash from her right-wing Christian community. Good stuff, they should watch it in schools!

You may surprised to know....

We just go home and I am in incredibely high spirits all things considered. My trip to WA was insightful (as it always is) and I came home with a lot of work to do, but none of it feels as scary as it did before I left Colorado.

The trip home was really pretty simple. I am still shocked and awed by the love and support of my friends and family. Dane & Crystal (thanks for that extra squeeze before I got on the plane D, it meant a lot) are saints, there's no way I could've got through these past few days without either of you and Crystal, I promise to blog the spider drama in depthly for later reminsicing:)

I love you all, I promise to detail the trip (with photos) soon. Tonight, it's bed time for us.

Max, you are my hero. You truly are a blessing in every possible way imaginable. I love you.

Ouch

I am taking a quick moment to blog to a) inform everyone of what a wonderful trip we had in WA and b) to also let everyone know that I broke my fibula in 3 places falling down Crystl's stairs (hard wood, socks, bad combo) and have been instructed not to fly for at least another full day, so we won't be back to Colorado until Tuesday, July 1st 2008.

More to come soon, have some great pics and stories to share, but until then I am going to ice the heck out of my shin/ankle and try not to worry to much about what life on crutches for four weeks is going to be like.

Brought To You By The Letter....YAY!

My vocabulary actually contains a letter "YAY" so it works for me. I doubt I'll be blogging much while out in WA, but I may try to if I can. In the meantime, here's one of my all time favorite songs EVER for your enjoyment:) I heard it on the way in to work, it seemed the whole world was on a mission to bring happiness my way this morning. A favorite song played, the gas station attendant gave me a free iced tea when I paid for my gas and in spite of traffic, it only took me 17 minutes to get to work today. Not a bad deal!

Loves to you all, I shall return.....

I treated myself today at lunch and got the little sampler platter thing from the deli up the street. It costs $5.99 and it has 3 types of cheese, walnuts, grapes and a mini hoagie with some kind of honey drizzled on it that makes a scrumptious base for the before mentioned items all smooshed on top of it. It also comes with a small desert of green apples/strawberries and vanilla yogurt. swooon.

They say that food shouldn't be used to change your mood, but I can't help it. It comes to me both naturally whenever I eat and even when I buy that gluttonous jar of peanut butter that I know will be devoured within 24 hours if it's in my home. And on a Friday such as this, that seems longer then it should considering I'm leaving at 2:30 to face the music, this little treat made me happy and really, what can the harm in that be?

The harm in that is, when you are an instant gratification monger such as myself, it's pretty easy to use food as a crutch rather than as something that should YES be enjoyed, but only in moderation as much as ones body requires for fuel. I've never been able to be that person, who simply only eats when I am hungry. I'm not big on moderation, guess I'm not a very good quitter HA!

Someone told me that once, I shit you not. Years ago when they were trying to quit smoking "I'm not a quitter!" as if it some how implied that this person was fanatically unable to quite ANYTHING and was achieving the utmost success for it, other than the nasty smoking that is.

If I'd never been a smoker, I might make one of those smug comments that some people who never have smoked do like "Just stop!" or "Don't you know how bad that is for you? It's KILLING YOU!"

But I wasn't even tempted, I just thought it was hilarious and filed it away for another day. I understand all to well how hard it is to quite and I assure you, any comments that you friends or family might make aren't going to do anything except make you feel like shit and really, who wants to make their loved ones feel bad on purpose? Not moi.

They say quitting smoking is like quitting heroin. Good gawd that's a horrible thought. I knew a junkie in CA, he lived downstairs in the hotel we lived at for a while with 2 other guys. He was a nice enough guy, but I knew he was messed up. One day I saw him sitting outside on the fire escape just wretching and wretching, I literally thought he was dying, he was kind of green. Sean explained to me that he was detoxing and that people actually do die during heroin withdrawals. Silly Sarah, so youung and naive. I don't see how THAT can be anything like quitting cigarettes, but that's what they say.

I think it's more of folks quitting for the long term, heroin relapse is pretty high I guess as is smoking. Most everyone I know in my own generation has quite umpteen times only to start up again, including myself in little intervals. I was die hard no smoker there for about two years, but now....the weekends creep on me and I have a glass of wine or play video games or talk with Crystal on the phone and that sneaky little bastard practical lights itself and forces me to inhale.

Food and cigarettes, whatya gonna do? My anxiety level has reached it's pique for the day I think. I HATE meeting w/ my attorney and today feels like the big big scary appointment. Once I turn this stuff in and sign some paper work, that's it. It's on. Something about this makes me want to vomit. blech. And then eat and smoke.

Lucky for me, I have some thing very fun to look forward to. One week from now, I'll be in a spa with Crystal & Heather. Doing nothing but.....RELAXING? I won't even know how probably, Crystal will have to talk me down from a few episodes of panic brought on by the residual panic I've been experiencing on a daily basis for over a year now. Nothing like a little fight or flight to get those juices pumping boy....I tell you what!

Till next time, wish me good luck today....

Love Is All Around You

There's a radio station in Colorado called "Jack FM 105.5" which is an all encompessing, "play what we want" type of station. And they, quite literally do play whatever one can think of. I've heard everything from 60's & 70's arena rock, classic rock, 80's/90's everything and even some more recent hip hop and pop classics from the past 8 years. I love it, I feel like I can almost always find something on that station if I've grown tired of everything else and my iPod is at home charging.

Today on that station, I heard "Love Song" by Tesla and my eyes welled up instantly.

I first heard this song on ZRock in 1990 I want to say, or there abouts. It was this horrible quality AM station that you could only listen to between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM, I could also only get reception if my radio was in the farthest corner of my room, next to the window. I listened religiously, loosing lots of sleep just waiting to hear what was going on in the rock scene. The first time I heard bands like GNR, Metallica, Slayer (ick) and Motley Crue were on that station and I was hooked immediately. They also played all the old Black Sabbath, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin from back in the day so that was a bonus since I was into all that then too. The hair bands hadn't quite been accepted at that point into this more hard core metal, so Poison and the likes were kind of shunned and made fun of. "POSERS!" sigh. That makes me laugh to even say that now. However, someone on that station must've seen some value in Tesla's music, even though they were considerably softer and being played on standard radio pretty regularly. And one night, they played the entire "The Great Radio Controversy" at about 2 in the morning and I recorded it on cassette tape. The sound quality was atrocious, wickedly bad, but it became my tape of the hour and it was in my walkman for quite some time after that first night.

Fast forward about a year, Kristen and I become good friends instantly and music was a way in which we bonded. One night, a little drunk and being bad (sorry whomever is reading this might be offended by that) we went down in her mom's basement and drank and started going through all of our collective tapes. We had at least 10 of the same tapes, including the original "Purple Rain" by Prince and "She Bop" by Cindy Lauper, which by then we'd been hiding from our friends and boyfriends, because that was too uncool at that point. Tesla's "Love Song" came on ZRock at exactly the right moment and we both (again, pretty drunk by this point) began singing this at the top of our lungs. The bond was sealed forever more :)

Ever since, I can tell you that when I hear it I smile. And cry also. Because the irony of this song is that it's one that holds a message I could relate to at 15 years old and again at 20 something and again now at 32. At 15, it was that I was getting over whatever boy at the time I'd decided wasn't cool enough to hang out with "us" then (we were SO shallow it's embarrassing now) at 20 something it just reminded me of that night with Kristen and how much I cherish it and her and now, it's hard for me to ignore this very universal message:

"Love is all around you"
"Love will find it's way back to you"

It's hard for me not to cry over the simplicity of that and how good it feels to hear those words again. I thought I'd lost them. I thought I'd lost that part of me that practically worships the idea of universal love and compassion. Thank you Jack FM! You made my whole day.

Lyrics

Song

My Accidental Genius Amazes Even ME!

So, I'm sitting here, coding along and an AH HA moment came up and smacked right upside the head......

We have a 4 day work week/long weekend after we get back from Vacation because it's 4th of July! YEAAAAH BUDDY:)

Damn I'm good!

Xo,
S

PS: I finally was able to listen to Bruce Cockburn with out sobbing and feeling nauseas today. Tears sill, yes....but it's major progress. I'd better slow down, to much at once might confuse me.

OH AND.....

I paid $51.39 for gas this morning. Annnnnnnnnnnd that's just regular, 85 grade....Baby Jetta is supposed to ONLY have 87 or 91 grade. Yeah right, these days my car isn't the only thing getting less quality. Anyone seen how much a loaf of bread costs these days? Max eats at least 2 loaves of bread and 2 gallons of milk each week, it's like $20 a week just to keep him in that. That's twice what it was this time last year.

damn!

"Controlled" Chaos

Life is slightly chaotic on this end of the universe right now, the lull before the storm has dissapated. The next days before our trip to WA are going to be beyond busy, I may be exhuasted by the time we get there.

I'm finalizing the bankruptcy, which I can tell you is no simple task. Apparently the change in laws has made it substantially more painful for folks to get this thing moving. I have to have this all in my by Friday, which there are still a number of things that have to happen in order to make that happen, primarily getting all my paperwork ducks in a row, which has more to do with me begging my debtors for copies of everything. Most are being helpful, some give me the run around. I spend more time on the phone dealing with this then I ever imagined. It will be a relief to have this thing filed and moving on. Once it's filed, it doesn't mean it's all done, but this is the bulk of it from what I understand.

Everything else is mostly normal, but I think the deadline of the bankruptcy paperwork is making me anxious. It's been like having a second job, seriously!

Oh well, this Friday evening I *should* be able to just breathe and start thinking about getting ready for our trip.

Love to you all, will blogg when time permits.
Xo,
S

Whooooopeeeeeeeeeee

Season 3 of Weeds came out today and I just watched the first episode. It is up there on my favorites list with SITC, The Soprano's, Dexter and Boston Legal.

http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do

Aint It The Truth?

http://www.thewvsr.com/adsvsreality.htm

A Song For Crying The Good Tears

A Shift In The Tide

Something significant has shifted within me, just in these past few days and weeks. I find myself randomly smiling. Joy seems less fleeting. Things don't feel as hard some days.

I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.

About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.

After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.

It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.

Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.

Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.

The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.

I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.

No fun for you!

It's a raucous day in PDC land, whoa nelly! There is giggling and yuk yuking going on all around me. I participated a little myself and then all hell broke loose.

We all just got the smack down from the higher ups about giggling and too much fun going on in the office.

wow. NO FUN FOR YOU!

Ricky Raccoon, Watch Your Speed Man!

Ok, to all the raccoons that live in the fields and tree growth on either side of West I76 between Kipling & Pecos will you PLEASE PLEASE stop trying to cross the highway? Is there something so totally delicious on the other side of the high way that you simply must have it? If your family is over there, you must all decide to stay on one side and call it good. Your sweet, little, furry bodies are simply not capable of moving faster than cars careening down the highway at 65+ miles per hour at all hours of the day and night.

Consider the following:

Fact 1a: Raccoons weigh approximately 12 - 25 pounds
Fact 1b: Cars weigh approximately 2 - 4 tons

Fact 2a: Raccoons are made of fur and whiskers and cute little stripy things that make them look like little burglars
Fact 2b: Cars are made of steel and petroleum products and a standard combustion engine

Fact 3a: Raccoons amble and highways are not meant for ambling
Fact 3b: Cars move quickly, make sudden and sometimes erratic movements pending on their operators

Fact 4a: Raccoons live and climb in trees
Fact 4b: Cars cannot climb trees

Logic would dictate that raccoons should thus avoid highways and large, loud, heavy things that move at a rate of speed not conceivable by said raccoons.

Can't we all decide that it's in your best interest to simply pretend as if the highway isn't there, it's like some great looming unknown that you don't dare explore? I know it's not fair, I know you were here first and us stinky humans came along and screwed it all up for you. Trust me, this saddens me tremendously. But seeing your lifeless little bodies in numbers unparalleled to years before makes my heart wrench.

If nothing else, please try to put the fear of the Gods in the hearts of your babies so they will at least avoid all that concrete! It's scary stuff danget and I love you and don't want anyone else getting smooshed. It's just not such a great way to start the day, you know?

Peace be with you little furry burglars and stay off the damn highway! Don't even go near it! Ok?

Yours truly,
Fruity Raccoon Lover

This Should Be A Crime

OMG, last night I made breakfast for dinner. Max's personal favorite, cheap and easy. I made a huge pan of fried potatoes in olive oil with garlic and onions, turkey bacon and sunnyside eggs for the man and egg beaters w/ mushrooms and tomatoes for moi! I love fungus, on everything, even eggish things.

Well, I had some left over and reheated for breakfast today at work, it should be illegal to eat this good on a Wednesday morning! YUMMMMMO

Annnnnnd Obama is at the Thornton tonight with Roy Romer for a Town Hall meeting? WHATTT?

http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=92495

To bad it's not open to the public, that's ok, I'll let it slide this time. Education reform is on the docket for today, which is sorely needed in this state and the surrounding I know as well, specifically Wyoming and New Mexico. Unless your kid goes to private school in these states, there is a good chance they aren't receiving adequate education to help transition them into adult hood, i.e...the work force. We'll see what Mr. Man has to say about that:)

* Happy Sigh *

I'm an Obama Girl!

OH and I get to take my first official .Net certification class in September. WOOT WOOT! Approved by Nancy and comped by Ameriteach. BUYAH BABY!

Long Weekends - Le Purrrr

This weekend was so relaxing, active, but still enjoyable.

Friday: Max and I spent time with my mom and Jim. It was fun, though I will never ever play Monopoly again with either of them. Some people have different idea's about what constitutes a healthy competitive spirit:)

Saturday: We mostly slept and ate all day, we were both totally wiped from my Mom's the night before.

Sunday: Got up early, did some laundry and went to Iron Man. Good flick if your into that genre. Better then most of the other Marvel Comic movies, sans XMen which is my personal favorite. The sound track was exceptional, definitely added a touch of intensity to the already action packed film. Oh and I love Robert Downey, Jr. I think he's an incredible actor and has grown in the public eye to the best of his abilities.

Helen invited us to her mom's for a bbq. We went, families are fun. Passing the baby around, boys playing sports and girls sitting around talking. Good stuff. I was totally humbled by the story of one family that I met and it has stuck with me since. This 23 year old woman and her husband adopted her 6 (or 8, I can't remember) brothers & sisters after her mother abandoned them and her father went to prison. The children range in age from 8 - 18, mostly boys:) It's a very sad story, but one of triumph and hope. If this young woman, who has been through so much pain and abuse can strive to do the right thing for her family and make it work, surely we all can take something from that?

Monday: We slept and ate all day again. It rained most of the day, so it was perfect for those activities anyway.

Max has finals this week and is actively looking for a job. This week looks mostly quiet for me, I should be starting the doggy day care on Saturday, though I still haven't received confirmation of that. hmmm, flakey? We see.

I missed two calls from Kai & Kenari yesterday and didn't realize it until later in the evening, so I need to firm up plans with them to this week. It's amazing how difficult it can be to connect with people sometimes, between schedules and life and family! Jeesh.

Signing off for now
Xo
S

www.postsecret.com

The Reason (Hoobastank)

A song close to my heart, it's my theme song for Max.

A weird mouth day?

I'm having a weird mouth day. Everything I eat tastes weird, off somehow. Even my salad, that I prepared myself last night tastes strange today. The iced tea I have drunk every day for the past 3 years of my life even tastes a little bitter and metallic. ick. Something is amiss...

Hopefully, we'll get to leave early today. I'm already eyeballing the time and it's only 12:30. Sigh. It's been a long week. I hope this weekend can be calmed and defused at home, it's been tense with Max. He's probably at home breaking my fairy and sticking things in my candles. It is an all battle of wills at my house right now, he's not getting his way and I'm not backing down. Fun stuff.

I've decided that nature is just cruel. The love that parents have for their children is surpassed by nothing else and once you become a mother, this becomes your entire life for many years so you and that baby can bond. Bonding then serves as the connection while surfing through the difficult waves of adolescence. Except, the adolescent ends up resenting the parent for the bond on some level because it feels to consuming and they must break away and become their own individuals. Which the parent wants for the child of course, because this is how you become a healthy adult. But the growing pains in between it all are heartbreaking. yick.

We are supposed to go to my mom's tonight, we'll probably go. She offered to front me a little gas cash, it's wicked expensive right now in CO for gas. It might help to get Max and I out of the house..

I really want to eat the rest of my salad, but the memory of my last bite is still lingering. I'll settle for some water I guess and see how that goes.

Off for now, happy long weekend everyone. Have a good one!

I've Decided

That whoever came up with the term "Slept Like A Baby" either:

a) Never had children, because babies don't really sleep all that much

or

b) Only caught his infant son sleeping soundly after his son's mother had breastfed, burped and walked/rocked the baby for 3 hours.

I've also decided that when babies DO finally sleep, after their basic needs are met, it's only because:

a) They don't know yet what loss, anxiety, pain, fear and worry are

and

b) They don't yet that they will someday have a child that will keep them up at night fretting

You were born to love, Sarah, no matter the cost, no matter what someone else said, and no matter how the past once played out.

- The Universe

TUT TUT!
http://www.tut.com/

I'll Miss That Tree

Summer is visiting Colorado. Almost 90 today. It's warm enough that I need to keep the windows wide open and at night, I am asking the wind to come and the air around in the house. Especially that top level, it gets wicked hot up there in the summer as heat rises you know! Luckily, the basement has been our refuge in the 100+ degree weather of past summers.

Last night, the wind was giving the Aspen in my neighbors yard plenty of banter for discussion. This tree has lulled me to sleep many a hot night when the welcome summer breezes whisper through it and the leaves get to talking to one another. This tree is about 20 years old and pretty mighty for it's age, it shares it's leaves with my yard each fall and each spring. Funny that I never really minded raking the leaves, though the joke was always that Danny (the neighbor) should have to rake them since it was his tree

As I lay there listening to the tree rustling and bustling, a fresh batch of tears sprouted as I drifted off to sleep. I will miss that tree. I will miss my house and my front yard, which is sprouting up all the flowers I planted last summer beautifully. Spring has been kind to us this year.

I have unbearable days of anxiety, fear and depression about the house. I have others where it's more bearable and it really feels like the right decision. Regardless, one thing I've learned for certain is that this life is determined to give me clear instruction about accepting and managing change and what can be done to avoid chaos in the process. Like listening to my intuition and being proactive, even when it's painful. And taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. duh, I know.

I hope there will be a tree outside my window wherever we land next. It's such a soothing sound. Aspens have always been a favorite of mine. To me, they are the crème de la crème of Colorado tree's, each with their own unique personality, almost animated in nature. Except that Aspens actually reproduce their root structures in a genetically identical fashion, so you can have these huge forests that are all connected by one root system with clumps of tree's that match genetically, which generally means they will look similar depending on environmental factors and growth patters.

Hm. A day trip to Estes Park may be necessary in the fall, to wish those forests a good nights sleep until the spring. It's still boggles my mind that one of the oldest and largest living organism is actually a forest of connected root bound Aspen tree's in Utah. A trip to Utah in my life time might be in order.

Until then, I will appreciate the Aspen tree that is basically in my front yard and hope for lots and lots of subtle breezes in the coming months.

Another Shoe Dream

Last night I dreamt again about shoes. This time a salesmen was trying so sell me a beautiful pair of black and white Mary Jane chunky heels that looked amazing on me and I actually could afford them as I was getting some kind of insane discount. I looked a lot like a blonde Betty Page with a black and white polka dot dress in this dream. Unfortunately, I was having a terrible time making up my mind over the whole thing and the salesmen was pressuring me and I ended up running out of the store, sobbing. The whole dream was in black and white btw and the salesmen was a total creep, but I was madly fascinated with those shoes.

So, since this is the second shoe dream in as many nights, I finally looked it up out of fun and maybe to ease my subconscious a little. Google "Shoes" or "Black & White" along with "Dream Interpretation" and you'll come up with the same results I did. They all pretty much say the same, some blah blah about love and relationships and my path in life. Like WE didn't already know that:)

The Gods Are Smiling Upon Me Today?

Finally, after 3 full months of ongoing communications with this potential employer for part time work, they have finally offered me one of the two weekend shifts available. I've been pinning for this position since I was first in contact with the owner, who I find to be quite enjoyable to interact with. But, it seems her employee's don't like to give up their jobs at Dogtopia willingly, so I've been waiting, yes actually on a waiting list for this opportunity. All of the other doggy daycare places needed me to be available during week days, usually in shifts of 10am - 2pm or 11am - 3pm. That sort of thing, obviously not going to work. The evenings were like 10 PM - 6 AM. Yeah, sure only if I wanted to land in the nuthouse for realsies this time. So, this was the one I was wishing and hoping for and voila....here it is!

Here is the website to give you an idea of the work I'd be doing, mostly doggy day care which I can tell you sounds like way too much fun to get paid for. Some admin work, easy peasy stuff.

http://www.dog-topia.com/

This type of part time work, doesn't exactly pay a ton, but it is extra cash. Not enough to save my current situation or get me out of Chance's debt, which is the whole reason I was searching high and low for an extra job from Nov 2007 - March 2008. But I'm going to take it anyway, at least through the summer. I can committ to wrastling with doggehs for 6 hours on Saturday or 5 on Sundays. And it would bring in SOME extra cash, which no one can really ever complain about that right? Besides, I asked for it and here it is so I figure I owe it to this very sweet small business owner to commit to something. Work ethics aside, it just feels right.

I'm hoping to start this weekend, she wasn't sure if she wanted to train me on a Holiday weekend, so we'll see. And no one panic, they already know about our trip to WA in June and I will have to trade shifts with someone, but it will get worked out.

WOOF!

One more thing from this weekend....

I forgot to blogg on my dreams from last night, which seem worth documenting to me for some reason.

I dreamt that I was living with two men in a large house with hard wood floors. I am a little older, Max is off at college. Neither of the men are at all familiar to me. One is obviously my boyfriend, dark haired (why do men always have dark hair in my dreams?) and major five o clock shadow, kind eyes, softly spoken and very tall, considerably taller then myself. Probably at least 6' 4" or more.

The other man, is younger by about 5 years or so, possibly my boyfriends brother. I'm not sure, but they are very familiar with one another like family tends to be.

It is a Monday morning, I am getting ready for work and I am running late. I emerge from the shower and am dressed, hair and make up done perfectly. You would never know that I'd just taken a shower, but there steam rising from all around behind me when I open the door. I am quite stunning in this dream. I am wearing a dark green knee length broomstick skirt, lined with black velvet and a white tank top with a black velvet vest. My eyes are huge and a bluish violet color. I am tall and lean and even slightly tan. My hair is huge, almost like a spiral perm, but it's very very long so the curls aren't to kinked up. Kind of like mermaid hair. Totally larger then life and exaggerated idealistic version of myself.

When I open the door from the bathroom, my boyfriend and his *brother* are watching something on a desktop computer sitting on a desk in the room directly in front of me. They are laughing and pointing at something on the screen and giving me a hard time for making us all late for work. Between us are literally hundreds and hundreds of boxes of shoes. I begin to dig through the shoe boxes frantically because we are REALLY REALLY late, it's like 9 AM already and I still don't have my shoes on! Except, I can't find the shoes I want to wear that match what I am wearing. There is a very distinct pair I am looking for obviously and when I do find the shoes I want to wear, there is only one of them and then I can't find the matching shoe. I am really upset about this, the boys are poking fun at me and asking why can't I just pick a pair of black shoes, it doesn't' matter which pair right?

Finally, because we are all so late for work, I settle on a pair of shoes that aren't exactly what I'd pictured wearing with my outfit that day but fit and are comfortable and look nice enough and at least they match right? My boyfriend comes up to me and says "You've never looked more beautiful to me."

And that's the end of it.

What the?

Rico Suave

What a weekend! Productive AND fun, my kind of way to spend a few days away from the office.

Friday: I wasn't feeling well at all and did nothing Friday night.

Saturday: Woke up feeling refreshed and embarked on a completely crazy day. House cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and a little cooking. Max and I went on a hike in Golden. This Spring is absolutely amazing, very lush for Colorado.

H texted me at about 7 to see if I might like to come with her to the Rock Rest, the only place like it west of Denver. At first, I was hesitant. I am broke, I was tired after a long day and H's friends are a slightly different crowd then I'm used to. Nothing directly unpleasant about them, we are just very different people from what I can see. Matt is still on the mend and I could tell she wanted to get out a bit, which I realized I also did so I agreed. She picked me up and we were there by 10 or so. I danced for 3 solid hours, I'm talking solid hours of aerobic exercise Gilad would envy. My thighs, calves and abs are still sore today. My hair was soaked with sweat by the time we left the club and my arms were even getting a good work out toward the end there. It was all worth it, I had a fantastic time. Reminiscent of my days with Crys & Dane at The Church. Those days are long gone and I am definitely pushing the edge of the age where it borders on inappropriate for me to be at such an establishment, but who really cares right? The music was thumping and a good mix, the dance floor was packed and I was feeling it 100%. Good times. We went to Village Inn after and munched some greasy, fatty fried foods and went home and slept until 10 AM only to wake up with RICO stamped on my hand, which inadvertently was then stamped to my face from sleeping on it. You'd think I'd have learned THIS lesson by now! Ha!

I did gain some insight from Saturday night. Solitude has become a critical factor in my over all equation toward growth, it took my some tough situations to learn this, but I now know that I require solitude regularly in order to reflect and regenerate. However, in standard Sarah form, I took it to far there for a while. I have been in a self imposed isolation for some time now and I think I'm about over it. I had forgotten that I am a naturally social individual. Social extroversion is an obvious aspect of my personality. I thrive off of the energy of large crowds and experiences that allow me to interact with alot of different people. Exposing myself to new people and experiences is something I genuinely enjoy and get excited about. I've missed that and I realized that a large piece of my social network has changed in this past year. All for the better, I assure you. But it has changed nonetheless and I now have the opportunity to explore my options. It's kind of exciting to think about it. The next question would be what do I want to do to expose myself to different people and environments? Book club fizzled out (too many working moms!) so that's not going to happen yet. I don't want to go to clubs every weekend and it's not quite what I have in mind, that's for sure. I thought a class at Colorado Free University after we move might be a good option. I have 3 weeks of classes to take at Ameriteach, but that's all during work hours and is totally devoted to the advancement of my career. CFU would be more for fun anyway. Maybe Spanish or Creative Writing or a Dance class of sorts? Or maybe a class in graphic design. It's not free, but there courses are considerably less then CU and some actually qualify for credit! Volunteering is also something I've been considering. I've been off and on with PAH for years, I may stick with them, but as I've mentioned before working with animals or young children also seems to be a direction I feel pulled in.

I guess we'll see. Certainly the current political climate gives me some opportunities as well, there is much going on in the world right now that I could sink myself into that would be both stimulating emotionally and mentally, but socially on some level. I find that when you are involved with a group of people with one common goal, you are likely to have a lot in common with them on other levels.

Sunday, I did a little cooking and Max and I lounged about the house. It's getting warm in CO, I was actually hot last night. Supposed to be close to 90 tomorrow, it's a little early for that if you ask me. Good thing I packed away those flannel sheets already!

This week doesn't look overly chaotic, normal I'd say in terms of activity. I am supposed to do something with Pam this weekend, we'll see if that happens. Either way, it's a long weekend and I'm ready to chill a little. June is going to be busy busy busy! I can't wait to see my family, I miss them all so much.

Xo,
S

I did it!

I have a cold, I feel like giant crap today. I caught it from Max, who had it last week and as far as I can tell it only lasts a few days.

However, I am happy today! Not because I am hacking and my nose is trying to run straight off my face? Noooo silly! Because it's been almost two full months since my last cold thing, which is a record for this past year in which I have been almostly constantly ill with flu-ish, cold-ish, stomach problems. I did get a touch of food poisoning about a month ago, but that's just par for the course and couldn't be helped. The fact that it's my first viral thing in a while seems like progress yes? I've been taking my vitamins, have almost completely cut out fast food (except salads and even then I use my own dressings) and have been walking a bit more regularly. So, all things considered, could it be I am on the up swing physically?

HALLELUJAH!

The goal now is to avoid it becoming a full blown sinus/ear infection. I will overcome!

Heart burn or burnt heart?

Helllllp, my biscuits are burnin'!

Last night, I experienced full on heart burn for the first time ever. Or at least, that's what I think it was. My stomach has been rockin' and rollin' since last Monday night. I've never had my body react so strongly to stress as this. My guts feel like something is seriously wrong in there and last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon all this nastiness came up from my tummy and burned my throat and about made me throw up.

I DON'T THINK SO STOMACH! You and me, we need to talk.

I thought I could reason with my tummy. Explain to it that I haven't been eating anything particularly acidic or otherwise problematic to my standard tough-as-nails stomach lining, I don't take vitamins or drink OJ without eating something first and (baaaaad idea by the way, you know, in case you were considering it) I don't much care for tomato based sauces, but do eat them raw whenever I get the chance b/c they are SOOOO yummy!

I said "Tummy, what's your deal? I'm good to you, in fact a little too good...have you noticed the muffin top you've got going on? HELLLO!"

It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp."

I said "Tummy, come on. We can be friends, right? I know times are tough, I know the rest of my body isn't exactly agreeing with me either right now, but YOU? I've always thought I count on you?"

It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp." and more burning crud came up, which made me run to the potty because I thought I was loosing my lunch. No such luck, this was WORSE then the dreaded porcelain god worshipping, way worse!

Fine, you win tummy. For now. But don't get too excited, this isn't over.

Rainy Day....Just Keep Swimming!

It's perfect for my mood, I am a bit....deflated I guess today. I am not sleeping well at all. I sit up and worry and fret and agonize about my choices and whether I'm doing the right thing. Certainly, I did not get here on my own. I wouldn't have even probably traveled down this road were it not for outside influences and my not being strong enough to say when. I am stronger now, but that doesn't exactly solve the current situation at hand.

Just keep swimming.....just keep swimming!

A 30 something woman's take on 40 something men

Max has been doing yard work for our neighbor, Gary. Which has given me the opportunity to get to know him a little more in the past month or so.

Very kind, crazy sense of humor and is in his late 40's. He is a successful photographer and will be traveling to China to cover the Olympics in Beijing for a few contracts he's secured, one of which is National Geographic. His home is basically a storage area for his equipment. Literally, every room is wall to wall camera's, lens, tri-pods, digital equipment, lighting equipment and things I as a novice have no clue about. The basement is being used as a dark room (perfect, the basement in that unit is not finished like mine) and this residence doesn't really feel like a home, more as a place he has landed. It belongs to his ex wife and he is renting it while on assignment in CO for the next year or so.

Friday night, after Matt & Helen left (we had some food and visited for a bit) I was heading out to my car to get my iPod. As I was heading back up the stairs from my car, I noticed Gary sitting on his deck having a cocktail. Joining him was Tracy, a long time friend of Gary who has been in town from Milwaukee. Tracy is also a photographer, out here on assignment from a magazine Wisconsin for the Democratic Convention, this was his first visit to familiarize himself with Denver. I found out this weekend that Gary is also from Wisconsin, Kenosha. Freaking cheese heads, wow small world aye?

In any event, I smiled, waved and they invited me over for drinks and I proceeded to spend the remainder of the evening chatting with them and having probably one of the best evenings I've had in months. We talked and laughed about Wisconsin. We talked about their work, my work. Max and life in Colorado. Conversation flowed incredibly well and I found myself basically enthralled by these guys and frankly, I think they both appreciated a pretty woman to spend the evening with, even though they were both perfect gentlemen and I did not at all feel like either of them were looking at me as if I had nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation. I felt more as if I was appreciated, just for being who I am. Considering that Gary is 48 (16 years my senior) and Tracy is 42 (10 years my senior) I was sort of expecting some degree of condescending comments about my age or lack of experience or any number of different things. Not once, in fact both of them seemed quite impressed by what I had achieved thus far (though I briefly explained my poor decision making in the past 3 years) and generally seemed interested in what I had to say. I kept checking for signs of creepiness, whether or not they were really more interested in my anatomy then our conversation, but I didn't get that vibe and I kept thinking to myself, could it be that THIS is what maturity does to men? Or maybe just these men.....

I learned a lot about these two people in the time we spoke. The photo journals they each have are breath-taking, it's like looking at 20 years of someone's life all documented in black & white or vivid color. They have loved, lost loves. Both have been married before, but not since. Traveled all over the world and lived in various cultures, had money and none at all. Lost mothers, fathers, children (one story was particularly heart breaking) siblings and best friends. Of course they both play instruments and eat organic food and are politically minded. And of course, I was totally charmed by them both. I'd say mostly because neither was in a big hurry to congratulate themselves on their own self importance or some how trying to impress me or one another.

Tracy and I hit it off quite well and Gary ended up heading into bed. Tracy and I sat up talking until 2 or so in the morning, drinking champagne and swapping life stories. I felt incredibly guilty for keeping him so late as his plane left for WI at 11 AM on Saturday, but he kept reassuring me that he was a "big boy" and sleep was something he'd become accustomed to coming and going. We exchanged email addresses, as he'll be back in town in July and then again in August to cover the convention. I realized, at the end of the evening that I had, once again been utterly charmed by a creative intellectual with a rainbow of life experience behind him, some incredibly sad and horrifying stories and some amazing. I even spent part of Saturday wondering what it might be like to date this man? Considerably older then myself and seems to share some of my passions in life. I am most definitely attracted to him, I can't lie. I thought that to myself the first time I met him 2 weeks ago. He is tall, dark and looks like someone you might see in a movie. Dark dark hair and skin, his mother is Puerto Rican and his father is French. He is cultured and interesting and has a masters degree in history and world religions. He is creative and a musician and is definitely passionate about life, though not at all creepy or disrespectful.

At least, this is what I saw in him Friday night based on what he's shared with me. Which could all be lies, though I'm inclined to believe much of what he say's because of the interaction between he and Gary. They obviously have known one another for at least as long as they say and it's sort of hard to ignore the photo journals. Pictures of past photo shoots, locations, wives, girlfriends, kids and families. It's hard to ignore that....

Silly woman! NO NO NO! BAD SARAH! Hello, haven't you learned your lesson? Chance APPEARED to be many of these things when you first met him, right? Hello, remember how madly insanely in love with him you were? How blinded you were by his charm and we all know how that turned out. Don't be stupid. Though, just writing about my evening makes me smile because it was, again, one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had in some time. And I won't deny that I secretly hope Tracy does email me, because I find him fascinating and would like to talk with him more and hell, if he wants to take me to dinner when he comes back here in July, why wouldn't I let him? He certainly was hinting around about that, but I am still sort of weird about men and don't trust anything that comes out of their mouths. But I will admit to softening a bit in this man's direction.

I will also admit to thinking to myself long and hard about why I it was that I happened upon these two at 8:30 on a Friday night? Both of these guys basically treated me like a princess the whole night. I didn't have to lift a finger. If I was low on champagne it was immediately noticed (and no, they were not trying to get me drunk) and I was asked if I would like a refill. And it wasn't cheap crap, their taste in liquor is pretty high end. Food was ordered from the Italian deli up the street and their choices were outstanding. Neither of them goffed at my requests (they asked what I would like) for at least one vegetarian dish and to my surprise 3 were ordered, along with their own choices and we all shared with plenty to spare. When I tried to pay my way for my portions of the meal, they looked at me as if I was insane and said absolutely not. Tracy made every effort to be quiet when Gary went to sleep so we would not disturb him and was considerate of that the entire evening. He was, after all a guest in this man's house. A little consideration of one's fellow man? Whoa, I was floored.

Maybe it was the universe giving me a little nudge, if you ARE going to date at some point, maybe you should consider your options and open your horizons a little. Dismissing a man simply because he is 10 or more years your senior seems ridiculous now. Quite the contrary, more so the idea seems more appealing.

There must be something seriously wrong with both of them, that's all I can say. The range of things have entered my mind. Commitment phobic? Set in their ways and insane? They eat with their feet? Have exploding foot fungus? *giggle*

How sad am I? Can't even trust it when the world hands it to me on a platter. That's enough of that distraction, but it was a nice one for a few hours:)

A Sweet Sweet Day

I woke up early, had some break feast with Max and we both went back to bed until noon! I slept like a baby and a Gaia cat was even keeping me company. I awoke to fresh roses and baby's breathe from Max and this silly little sheepish grin on his face. What a darling he is, he was so proud of himself and I was of him as well. It's the kind of thing only a son can do for their mom's that brings that silly grin out in their face, I am so blessed to see it every now and then:)

We spent a few hours putzing around the house and then ordered pizza and rented some movies. Turned off our phones and the boy actually cuddled me! Can you believe that? It made me realize how starved I am for physical contact, I felt like I never wanted to let him go. I realized as I was snuggling my boy and feeling totally content in the moment that our lives are changing in such a rapid motion that I am pretty overcome by it. I feel a little alone and a lot scared. But I still hold a sense of trust in the world and the people in it. I'm growing up a bit, Max is growing up alot. Big changes, universal shifts for us and the world at large I think. All of us are going through major transitions in this time, certainly I am not the only person I know facing adversities, challenges and growth. There's isn't exactly a sense of contentment in that knowledge, but at least the idea that we are changing. As a culture, as a world nation. I hope for the better, mostly I think so.

I am heading to bed, having checked my emails for the night and a few other sites I check in daily. Here's an interesting Alternet article, definitely worth a read:
http://www.alternet.org/workplace/84962

BAAAAAD KITTEHS!

Pumpkin:
A rare shot of her in total kitteh peace. She's quiet, not licking me or molesting my shoulder and is tucked up in a nice little kitteh hug.

Gaia: Going ape shit over the blue feather duster thingy. BEHOLD DEMON CAT!

Cat Hair

I just noticed there is Pumpkin hair all over my shirt. sigh. That's what I get for dressing in the dark and having a cat that sometimes sleeps on my clean laundry. That's ok, I'll go home and put my human smell all over her and then she'll have to take a long bath...wait, that's Gaia. Pumpkin can't get enough human, Gaia could mostly pass on it unless there's sink water or milk in it for her....oh and Kitty Krack (catnip) as Max now calls it. It occurred to me last night as we performed our daily catnip ritual and Gaia was rubbing all over it, only to flip over unexpectedly and race up and down the stairs a few times that it says alot about our culture that there is an entire industry devoted soley to the intoxication of our dear kitteh's so that they can goes nuts, all for entertainment purposes. Ours and the cat's I guess too. But more for ours I think, this seems a little sick when I think of it like that.

Gaia is looking gorgeous by the way, most of her fur has grown back from the surgery and her coat is getting back to it's luxuriously beautiful black self. Pumpkin is old and crotchety and needs constant attention when I am home, which I don't really mind except she has to be practically on top of me at all times if I am sitting and sometimes it's like DOOOD, I need some space!!!!!

I sort of feel like that in general right now, like I need some space. Physical space. Head space. Sometimes things get so complicated and emotional that I'm not totally able to manage it. Being a big girl isn't always easy and unlike when I was younger, I require a lot more solitude than I used to and I've not been getting it. Luckily, weekend is looking quiet. First weekend without a soccer game for.....2 months? Something like that. No social engagements, no work. Wow. I'm kind of excited actually b/c I have some motiviation to sort through junk in the basement and get all the shelving boxed up and cleaned out. It's something I've been ignoring, there's still a box full of Chance's garbage in there if you can believe it. I'm not sure what to do with some of it as it's electronics stuff, I think there's somewhere I can take it to be recycled? I also need to call the people to come and pick up the old washer and dryers. I know those can be useful somewhere.

Some big changes going on at home, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Said solitude is required before I can do so.

Xo,
S

www.postsecret.com

Thanks for reminding me P!

My current favorites....

You Came In With The Breeze....On Monday Morning!

Blogg title reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUqTH9e9sQU

Happy Monday Friends!

I'm at work, bright and early and ready to start another week. Our lead developer is currently yucking it up with our new DBA, swapping stories about past nasty roommates. They are being pretty loud for 7:15 AM on a Monday morning, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't annoying me as I got in early to get a head start on my week. I'm trying to ignore them because frankly it's pretty rude and the content of their discussion is seriously gross (5 guys living in a house during college, yeah ewwww!) except the stories remind me of what a total slob and inconsiderate person Chance was to live with and how happy I am to no longer be cleaning up after him. Max is an amazing helper around the house, cleaned his room spotless yesterday without even a word on my end and also manages to keep his own bathroom fairly neat. Getting Chance to even lift a finger was like pulling teeth and I was made to feel like a crazy person for requesting assistance and expecting a fairly organized and neat environment. What a freaking relief.

Dinning Out For Life went well on Thursday night, I don't have totals yet for our location but I'm sure they'll update the website at some point:
http://www.projectangelheart.org/

No new information on Matty, our thoughts are with him. I really hope we will have more information today, I keep repeating in my mind that speculating and worry will do no good at all.

Plans are coming together for our WA trip in June. I will have a pretty solidly itinerary by Friday. I need to just wrap up a few things with the Cousins and Crystal and we should be good.

The knee feels like it's on the mend, all the stairs at Jose O' Shea's on Thursday night for Dining Out For Life did a number on me though, probably could've done with out that.

Max is doing ok, I see a bit of a shift in attidue which is most appreciated. Perhaps the wave of hormones has subsided, School is still up for debate, it is what it is.

Ok, off to work. Busy week, as usual but my funk seems to have lifted a little, thank the sweet goddesses because otherwise I was thinking of checking in at Sunnybrook for a few:)

Xo,
S