There's a radio station in Colorado called "Jack FM 105.5" which is an all encompessing, "play what we want" type of station. And they, quite literally do play whatever one can think of. I've heard everything from 60's & 70's arena rock, classic rock, 80's/90's everything and even some more recent hip hop and pop classics from the past 8 years. I love it, I feel like I can almost always find something on that station if I've grown tired of everything else and my iPod is at home charging.
Today on that station, I heard "Love Song" by Tesla and my eyes welled up instantly.
I first heard this song on ZRock in 1990 I want to say, or there abouts. It was this horrible quality AM station that you could only listen to between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM, I could also only get reception if my radio was in the farthest corner of my room, next to the window. I listened religiously, loosing lots of sleep just waiting to hear what was going on in the rock scene. The first time I heard bands like GNR, Metallica, Slayer (ick) and Motley Crue were on that station and I was hooked immediately. They also played all the old Black Sabbath, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin from back in the day so that was a bonus since I was into all that then too. The hair bands hadn't quite been accepted at that point into this more hard core metal, so Poison and the likes were kind of shunned and made fun of. "POSERS!" sigh. That makes me laugh to even say that now. However, someone on that station must've seen some value in Tesla's music, even though they were considerably softer and being played on standard radio pretty regularly. And one night, they played the entire "The Great Radio Controversy" at about 2 in the morning and I recorded it on cassette tape. The sound quality was atrocious, wickedly bad, but it became my tape of the hour and it was in my walkman for quite some time after that first night.
Fast forward about a year, Kristen and I become good friends instantly and music was a way in which we bonded. One night, a little drunk and being bad (sorry whomever is reading this might be offended by that) we went down in her mom's basement and drank and started going through all of our collective tapes. We had at least 10 of the same tapes, including the original "Purple Rain" by Prince and "She Bop" by Cindy Lauper, which by then we'd been hiding from our friends and boyfriends, because that was too uncool at that point. Tesla's "Love Song" came on ZRock at exactly the right moment and we both (again, pretty drunk by this point) began singing this at the top of our lungs. The bond was sealed forever more :)
Ever since, I can tell you that when I hear it I smile. And cry also. Because the irony of this song is that it's one that holds a message I could relate to at 15 years old and again at 20 something and again now at 32. At 15, it was that I was getting over whatever boy at the time I'd decided wasn't cool enough to hang out with "us" then (we were SO shallow it's embarrassing now) at 20 something it just reminded me of that night with Kristen and how much I cherish it and her and now, it's hard for me to ignore this very universal message:
"Love is all around you"
"Love will find it's way back to you"
It's hard for me not to cry over the simplicity of that and how good it feels to hear those words again. I thought I'd lost them. I thought I'd lost that part of me that practically worships the idea of universal love and compassion. Thank you Jack FM! You made my whole day.
Lyrics
Song
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My Accidental Genius Amazes Even ME!
So, I'm sitting here, coding along and an AH HA moment came up and smacked right upside the head......
We have a 4 day work week/long weekend after we get back from Vacation because it's 4th of July! YEAAAAH BUDDY:)
Damn I'm good!
Xo,
S
PS: I finally was able to listen to Bruce Cockburn with out sobbing and feeling nauseas today. Tears sill, yes....but it's major progress. I'd better slow down, to much at once might confuse me.
We have a 4 day work week/long weekend after we get back from Vacation because it's 4th of July! YEAAAAH BUDDY:)
Damn I'm good!
Xo,
S
PS: I finally was able to listen to Bruce Cockburn with out sobbing and feeling nauseas today. Tears sill, yes....but it's major progress. I'd better slow down, to much at once might confuse me.
Monday, June 09, 2008
OH AND.....
I paid $51.39 for gas this morning. Annnnnnnnnnnd that's just regular, 85 grade....Baby Jetta is supposed to ONLY have 87 or 91 grade. Yeah right, these days my car isn't the only thing getting less quality. Anyone seen how much a loaf of bread costs these days? Max eats at least 2 loaves of bread and 2 gallons of milk each week, it's like $20 a week just to keep him in that. That's twice what it was this time last year.
damn!
damn!
"Controlled" Chaos
Life is slightly chaotic on this end of the universe right now, the lull before the storm has dissapated. The next days before our trip to WA are going to be beyond busy, I may be exhuasted by the time we get there.
I'm finalizing the bankruptcy, which I can tell you is no simple task. Apparently the change in laws has made it substantially more painful for folks to get this thing moving. I have to have this all in my by Friday, which there are still a number of things that have to happen in order to make that happen, primarily getting all my paperwork ducks in a row, which has more to do with me begging my debtors for copies of everything. Most are being helpful, some give me the run around. I spend more time on the phone dealing with this then I ever imagined. It will be a relief to have this thing filed and moving on. Once it's filed, it doesn't mean it's all done, but this is the bulk of it from what I understand.
Everything else is mostly normal, but I think the deadline of the bankruptcy paperwork is making me anxious. It's been like having a second job, seriously!
Oh well, this Friday evening I *should* be able to just breathe and start thinking about getting ready for our trip.
Love to you all, will blogg when time permits.
Xo,
S
I'm finalizing the bankruptcy, which I can tell you is no simple task. Apparently the change in laws has made it substantially more painful for folks to get this thing moving. I have to have this all in my by Friday, which there are still a number of things that have to happen in order to make that happen, primarily getting all my paperwork ducks in a row, which has more to do with me begging my debtors for copies of everything. Most are being helpful, some give me the run around. I spend more time on the phone dealing with this then I ever imagined. It will be a relief to have this thing filed and moving on. Once it's filed, it doesn't mean it's all done, but this is the bulk of it from what I understand.
Everything else is mostly normal, but I think the deadline of the bankruptcy paperwork is making me anxious. It's been like having a second job, seriously!
Oh well, this Friday evening I *should* be able to just breathe and start thinking about getting ready for our trip.
Love to you all, will blogg when time permits.
Xo,
S
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Whooooopeeeeeeeeeee
Season 3 of Weeds came out today and I just watched the first episode. It is up there on my favorites list with SITC, The Soprano's, Dexter and Boston Legal.
http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do
http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
A Shift In The Tide
Something significant has shifted within me, just in these past few days and weeks. I find myself randomly smiling. Joy seems less fleeting. Things don't feel as hard some days.
I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.
About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.
After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.
It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.
Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.
Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.
The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.
I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.
I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.
About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.
After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.
It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.
Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.
Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.
The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.
I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.
Friday, May 30, 2008
No fun for you!
It's a raucous day in PDC land, whoa nelly! There is giggling and yuk yuking going on all around me. I participated a little myself and then all hell broke loose.
We all just got the smack down from the higher ups about giggling and too much fun going on in the office.
wow. NO FUN FOR YOU!
We all just got the smack down from the higher ups about giggling and too much fun going on in the office.
wow. NO FUN FOR YOU!
Ricky Raccoon, Watch Your Speed Man!
Ok, to all the raccoons that live in the fields and tree growth on either side of West I76 between Kipling & Pecos will you PLEASE PLEASE stop trying to cross the highway? Is there something so totally delicious on the other side of the high way that you simply must have it? If your family is over there, you must all decide to stay on one side and call it good. Your sweet, little, furry bodies are simply not capable of moving faster than cars careening down the highway at 65+ miles per hour at all hours of the day and night.
Consider the following:
Fact 1a: Raccoons weigh approximately 12 - 25 pounds
Fact 1b: Cars weigh approximately 2 - 4 tons
Fact 2a: Raccoons are made of fur and whiskers and cute little stripy things that make them look like little burglars
Fact 2b: Cars are made of steel and petroleum products and a standard combustion engine
Fact 3a: Raccoons amble and highways are not meant for ambling
Fact 3b: Cars move quickly, make sudden and sometimes erratic movements pending on their operators
Fact 4a: Raccoons live and climb in trees
Fact 4b: Cars cannot climb trees
Logic would dictate that raccoons should thus avoid highways and large, loud, heavy things that move at a rate of speed not conceivable by said raccoons.
Can't we all decide that it's in your best interest to simply pretend as if the highway isn't there, it's like some great looming unknown that you don't dare explore? I know it's not fair, I know you were here first and us stinky humans came along and screwed it all up for you. Trust me, this saddens me tremendously. But seeing your lifeless little bodies in numbers unparalleled to years before makes my heart wrench.
If nothing else, please try to put the fear of the Gods in the hearts of your babies so they will at least avoid all that concrete! It's scary stuff danget and I love you and don't want anyone else getting smooshed. It's just not such a great way to start the day, you know?
Peace be with you little furry burglars and stay off the damn highway! Don't even go near it! Ok?
Yours truly,
Fruity Raccoon Lover
Consider the following:
Fact 1a: Raccoons weigh approximately 12 - 25 pounds
Fact 1b: Cars weigh approximately 2 - 4 tons
Fact 2a: Raccoons are made of fur and whiskers and cute little stripy things that make them look like little burglars
Fact 2b: Cars are made of steel and petroleum products and a standard combustion engine
Fact 3a: Raccoons amble and highways are not meant for ambling
Fact 3b: Cars move quickly, make sudden and sometimes erratic movements pending on their operators
Fact 4a: Raccoons live and climb in trees
Fact 4b: Cars cannot climb trees
Logic would dictate that raccoons should thus avoid highways and large, loud, heavy things that move at a rate of speed not conceivable by said raccoons.
Can't we all decide that it's in your best interest to simply pretend as if the highway isn't there, it's like some great looming unknown that you don't dare explore? I know it's not fair, I know you were here first and us stinky humans came along and screwed it all up for you. Trust me, this saddens me tremendously. But seeing your lifeless little bodies in numbers unparalleled to years before makes my heart wrench.
If nothing else, please try to put the fear of the Gods in the hearts of your babies so they will at least avoid all that concrete! It's scary stuff danget and I love you and don't want anyone else getting smooshed. It's just not such a great way to start the day, you know?
Peace be with you little furry burglars and stay off the damn highway! Don't even go near it! Ok?
Yours truly,
Fruity Raccoon Lover
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
This Should Be A Crime
OMG, last night I made breakfast for dinner. Max's personal favorite, cheap and easy. I made a huge pan of fried potatoes in olive oil with garlic and onions, turkey bacon and sunnyside eggs for the man and egg beaters w/ mushrooms and tomatoes for moi! I love fungus, on everything, even eggish things.
Well, I had some left over and reheated for breakfast today at work, it should be illegal to eat this good on a Wednesday morning! YUMMMMMO
Annnnnnd Obama is at the Thornton tonight with Roy Romer for a Town Hall meeting? WHATTT?
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=92495
To bad it's not open to the public, that's ok, I'll let it slide this time. Education reform is on the docket for today, which is sorely needed in this state and the surrounding I know as well, specifically Wyoming and New Mexico. Unless your kid goes to private school in these states, there is a good chance they aren't receiving adequate education to help transition them into adult hood, i.e...the work force. We'll see what Mr. Man has to say about that:)
* Happy Sigh *
I'm an Obama Girl!
OH and I get to take my first official .Net certification class in September. WOOT WOOT! Approved by Nancy and comped by Ameriteach. BUYAH BABY!
Well, I had some left over and reheated for breakfast today at work, it should be illegal to eat this good on a Wednesday morning! YUMMMMMO
Annnnnnd Obama is at the Thornton tonight with Roy Romer for a Town Hall meeting? WHATTT?
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=92495
To bad it's not open to the public, that's ok, I'll let it slide this time. Education reform is on the docket for today, which is sorely needed in this state and the surrounding I know as well, specifically Wyoming and New Mexico. Unless your kid goes to private school in these states, there is a good chance they aren't receiving adequate education to help transition them into adult hood, i.e...the work force. We'll see what Mr. Man has to say about that:)
* Happy Sigh *
I'm an Obama Girl!
OH and I get to take my first official .Net certification class in September. WOOT WOOT! Approved by Nancy and comped by Ameriteach. BUYAH BABY!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Long Weekends - Le Purrrr
This weekend was so relaxing, active, but still enjoyable.
Friday: Max and I spent time with my mom and Jim. It was fun, though I will never ever play Monopoly again with either of them. Some people have different idea's about what constitutes a healthy competitive spirit:)
Saturday: We mostly slept and ate all day, we were both totally wiped from my Mom's the night before.
Sunday: Got up early, did some laundry and went to Iron Man. Good flick if your into that genre. Better then most of the other Marvel Comic movies, sans XMen which is my personal favorite. The sound track was exceptional, definitely added a touch of intensity to the already action packed film. Oh and I love Robert Downey, Jr. I think he's an incredible actor and has grown in the public eye to the best of his abilities.
Helen invited us to her mom's for a bbq. We went, families are fun. Passing the baby around, boys playing sports and girls sitting around talking. Good stuff. I was totally humbled by the story of one family that I met and it has stuck with me since. This 23 year old woman and her husband adopted her 6 (or 8, I can't remember) brothers & sisters after her mother abandoned them and her father went to prison. The children range in age from 8 - 18, mostly boys:) It's a very sad story, but one of triumph and hope. If this young woman, who has been through so much pain and abuse can strive to do the right thing for her family and make it work, surely we all can take something from that?
Monday: We slept and ate all day again. It rained most of the day, so it was perfect for those activities anyway.
Max has finals this week and is actively looking for a job. This week looks mostly quiet for me, I should be starting the doggy day care on Saturday, though I still haven't received confirmation of that. hmmm, flakey? We see.
I missed two calls from Kai & Kenari yesterday and didn't realize it until later in the evening, so I need to firm up plans with them to this week. It's amazing how difficult it can be to connect with people sometimes, between schedules and life and family! Jeesh.
Signing off for now
Xo
S
Friday: Max and I spent time with my mom and Jim. It was fun, though I will never ever play Monopoly again with either of them. Some people have different idea's about what constitutes a healthy competitive spirit:)
Saturday: We mostly slept and ate all day, we were both totally wiped from my Mom's the night before.
Sunday: Got up early, did some laundry and went to Iron Man. Good flick if your into that genre. Better then most of the other Marvel Comic movies, sans XMen which is my personal favorite. The sound track was exceptional, definitely added a touch of intensity to the already action packed film. Oh and I love Robert Downey, Jr. I think he's an incredible actor and has grown in the public eye to the best of his abilities.
Helen invited us to her mom's for a bbq. We went, families are fun. Passing the baby around, boys playing sports and girls sitting around talking. Good stuff. I was totally humbled by the story of one family that I met and it has stuck with me since. This 23 year old woman and her husband adopted her 6 (or 8, I can't remember) brothers & sisters after her mother abandoned them and her father went to prison. The children range in age from 8 - 18, mostly boys:) It's a very sad story, but one of triumph and hope. If this young woman, who has been through so much pain and abuse can strive to do the right thing for her family and make it work, surely we all can take something from that?
Monday: We slept and ate all day again. It rained most of the day, so it was perfect for those activities anyway.
Max has finals this week and is actively looking for a job. This week looks mostly quiet for me, I should be starting the doggy day care on Saturday, though I still haven't received confirmation of that. hmmm, flakey? We see.
I missed two calls from Kai & Kenari yesterday and didn't realize it until later in the evening, so I need to firm up plans with them to this week. It's amazing how difficult it can be to connect with people sometimes, between schedules and life and family! Jeesh.
Signing off for now
Xo
S
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
A weird mouth day?
I'm having a weird mouth day. Everything I eat tastes weird, off somehow. Even my salad, that I prepared myself last night tastes strange today. The iced tea I have drunk every day for the past 3 years of my life even tastes a little bitter and metallic. ick. Something is amiss...
Hopefully, we'll get to leave early today. I'm already eyeballing the time and it's only 12:30. Sigh. It's been a long week. I hope this weekend can be calmed and defused at home, it's been tense with Max. He's probably at home breaking my fairy and sticking things in my candles. It is an all battle of wills at my house right now, he's not getting his way and I'm not backing down. Fun stuff.
I've decided that nature is just cruel. The love that parents have for their children is surpassed by nothing else and once you become a mother, this becomes your entire life for many years so you and that baby can bond. Bonding then serves as the connection while surfing through the difficult waves of adolescence. Except, the adolescent ends up resenting the parent for the bond on some level because it feels to consuming and they must break away and become their own individuals. Which the parent wants for the child of course, because this is how you become a healthy adult. But the growing pains in between it all are heartbreaking. yick.
We are supposed to go to my mom's tonight, we'll probably go. She offered to front me a little gas cash, it's wicked expensive right now in CO for gas. It might help to get Max and I out of the house..
I really want to eat the rest of my salad, but the memory of my last bite is still lingering. I'll settle for some water I guess and see how that goes.
Off for now, happy long weekend everyone. Have a good one!
Hopefully, we'll get to leave early today. I'm already eyeballing the time and it's only 12:30. Sigh. It's been a long week. I hope this weekend can be calmed and defused at home, it's been tense with Max. He's probably at home breaking my fairy and sticking things in my candles. It is an all battle of wills at my house right now, he's not getting his way and I'm not backing down. Fun stuff.
I've decided that nature is just cruel. The love that parents have for their children is surpassed by nothing else and once you become a mother, this becomes your entire life for many years so you and that baby can bond. Bonding then serves as the connection while surfing through the difficult waves of adolescence. Except, the adolescent ends up resenting the parent for the bond on some level because it feels to consuming and they must break away and become their own individuals. Which the parent wants for the child of course, because this is how you become a healthy adult. But the growing pains in between it all are heartbreaking. yick.
We are supposed to go to my mom's tonight, we'll probably go. She offered to front me a little gas cash, it's wicked expensive right now in CO for gas. It might help to get Max and I out of the house..
I really want to eat the rest of my salad, but the memory of my last bite is still lingering. I'll settle for some water I guess and see how that goes.
Off for now, happy long weekend everyone. Have a good one!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I've Decided
That whoever came up with the term "Slept Like A Baby" either:
a) Never had children, because babies don't really sleep all that much
or
b) Only caught his infant son sleeping soundly after his son's mother had breastfed, burped and walked/rocked the baby for 3 hours.
I've also decided that when babies DO finally sleep, after their basic needs are met, it's only because:
a) They don't know yet what loss, anxiety, pain, fear and worry are
and
b) They don't yet that they will someday have a child that will keep them up at night fretting
a) Never had children, because babies don't really sleep all that much
or
b) Only caught his infant son sleeping soundly after his son's mother had breastfed, burped and walked/rocked the baby for 3 hours.
I've also decided that when babies DO finally sleep, after their basic needs are met, it's only because:
a) They don't know yet what loss, anxiety, pain, fear and worry are
and
b) They don't yet that they will someday have a child that will keep them up at night fretting
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I'll Miss That Tree
Summer is visiting Colorado. Almost 90 today. It's warm enough that I need to keep the windows wide open and at night, I am asking the wind to come and the air around in the house. Especially that top level, it gets wicked hot up there in the summer as heat rises you know! Luckily, the basement has been our refuge in the 100+ degree weather of past summers.
Last night, the wind was giving the Aspen in my neighbors yard plenty of banter for discussion. This tree has lulled me to sleep many a hot night when the welcome summer breezes whisper through it and the leaves get to talking to one another. This tree is about 20 years old and pretty mighty for it's age, it shares it's leaves with my yard each fall and each spring. Funny that I never really minded raking the leaves, though the joke was always that Danny (the neighbor) should have to rake them since it was his tree
As I lay there listening to the tree rustling and bustling, a fresh batch of tears sprouted as I drifted off to sleep. I will miss that tree. I will miss my house and my front yard, which is sprouting up all the flowers I planted last summer beautifully. Spring has been kind to us this year.
I have unbearable days of anxiety, fear and depression about the house. I have others where it's more bearable and it really feels like the right decision. Regardless, one thing I've learned for certain is that this life is determined to give me clear instruction about accepting and managing change and what can be done to avoid chaos in the process. Like listening to my intuition and being proactive, even when it's painful. And taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. duh, I know.
I hope there will be a tree outside my window wherever we land next. It's such a soothing sound. Aspens have always been a favorite of mine. To me, they are the crème de la crème of Colorado tree's, each with their own unique personality, almost animated in nature. Except that Aspens actually reproduce their root structures in a genetically identical fashion, so you can have these huge forests that are all connected by one root system with clumps of tree's that match genetically, which generally means they will look similar depending on environmental factors and growth patters.
Hm. A day trip to Estes Park may be necessary in the fall, to wish those forests a good nights sleep until the spring. It's still boggles my mind that one of the oldest and largest living organism is actually a forest of connected root bound Aspen tree's in Utah. A trip to Utah in my life time might be in order.
Until then, I will appreciate the Aspen tree that is basically in my front yard and hope for lots and lots of subtle breezes in the coming months.
Last night, the wind was giving the Aspen in my neighbors yard plenty of banter for discussion. This tree has lulled me to sleep many a hot night when the welcome summer breezes whisper through it and the leaves get to talking to one another. This tree is about 20 years old and pretty mighty for it's age, it shares it's leaves with my yard each fall and each spring. Funny that I never really minded raking the leaves, though the joke was always that Danny (the neighbor) should have to rake them since it was his tree
As I lay there listening to the tree rustling and bustling, a fresh batch of tears sprouted as I drifted off to sleep. I will miss that tree. I will miss my house and my front yard, which is sprouting up all the flowers I planted last summer beautifully. Spring has been kind to us this year.
I have unbearable days of anxiety, fear and depression about the house. I have others where it's more bearable and it really feels like the right decision. Regardless, one thing I've learned for certain is that this life is determined to give me clear instruction about accepting and managing change and what can be done to avoid chaos in the process. Like listening to my intuition and being proactive, even when it's painful. And taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. duh, I know.
I hope there will be a tree outside my window wherever we land next. It's such a soothing sound. Aspens have always been a favorite of mine. To me, they are the crème de la crème of Colorado tree's, each with their own unique personality, almost animated in nature. Except that Aspens actually reproduce their root structures in a genetically identical fashion, so you can have these huge forests that are all connected by one root system with clumps of tree's that match genetically, which generally means they will look similar depending on environmental factors and growth patters.
Hm. A day trip to Estes Park may be necessary in the fall, to wish those forests a good nights sleep until the spring. It's still boggles my mind that one of the oldest and largest living organism is actually a forest of connected root bound Aspen tree's in Utah. A trip to Utah in my life time might be in order.
Until then, I will appreciate the Aspen tree that is basically in my front yard and hope for lots and lots of subtle breezes in the coming months.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Another Shoe Dream
Last night I dreamt again about shoes. This time a salesmen was trying so sell me a beautiful pair of black and white Mary Jane chunky heels that looked amazing on me and I actually could afford them as I was getting some kind of insane discount. I looked a lot like a blonde Betty Page with a black and white polka dot dress in this dream. Unfortunately, I was having a terrible time making up my mind over the whole thing and the salesmen was pressuring me and I ended up running out of the store, sobbing. The whole dream was in black and white btw and the salesmen was a total creep, but I was madly fascinated with those shoes.
So, since this is the second shoe dream in as many nights, I finally looked it up out of fun and maybe to ease my subconscious a little. Google "Shoes" or "Black & White" along with "Dream Interpretation" and you'll come up with the same results I did. They all pretty much say the same, some blah blah about love and relationships and my path in life. Like WE didn't already know that:)
So, since this is the second shoe dream in as many nights, I finally looked it up out of fun and maybe to ease my subconscious a little. Google "Shoes" or "Black & White" along with "Dream Interpretation" and you'll come up with the same results I did. They all pretty much say the same, some blah blah about love and relationships and my path in life. Like WE didn't already know that:)
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Gods Are Smiling Upon Me Today?
Finally, after 3 full months of ongoing communications with this potential employer for part time work, they have finally offered me one of the two weekend shifts available. I've been pinning for this position since I was first in contact with the owner, who I find to be quite enjoyable to interact with. But, it seems her employee's don't like to give up their jobs at Dogtopia willingly, so I've been waiting, yes actually on a waiting list for this opportunity. All of the other doggy daycare places needed me to be available during week days, usually in shifts of 10am - 2pm or 11am - 3pm. That sort of thing, obviously not going to work. The evenings were like 10 PM - 6 AM. Yeah, sure only if I wanted to land in the nuthouse for realsies this time. So, this was the one I was wishing and hoping for and voila....here it is!
Here is the website to give you an idea of the work I'd be doing, mostly doggy day care which I can tell you sounds like way too much fun to get paid for. Some admin work, easy peasy stuff.
http://www.dog-topia.com/
This type of part time work, doesn't exactly pay a ton, but it is extra cash. Not enough to save my current situation or get me out of Chance's debt, which is the whole reason I was searching high and low for an extra job from Nov 2007 - March 2008. But I'm going to take it anyway, at least through the summer. I can committ to wrastling with doggehs for 6 hours on Saturday or 5 on Sundays. And it would bring in SOME extra cash, which no one can really ever complain about that right? Besides, I asked for it and here it is so I figure I owe it to this very sweet small business owner to commit to something. Work ethics aside, it just feels right.
I'm hoping to start this weekend, she wasn't sure if she wanted to train me on a Holiday weekend, so we'll see. And no one panic, they already know about our trip to WA in June and I will have to trade shifts with someone, but it will get worked out.
WOOF!
Here is the website to give you an idea of the work I'd be doing, mostly doggy day care which I can tell you sounds like way too much fun to get paid for. Some admin work, easy peasy stuff.
http://www.dog-topia.com/
This type of part time work, doesn't exactly pay a ton, but it is extra cash. Not enough to save my current situation or get me out of Chance's debt, which is the whole reason I was searching high and low for an extra job from Nov 2007 - March 2008. But I'm going to take it anyway, at least through the summer. I can committ to wrastling with doggehs for 6 hours on Saturday or 5 on Sundays. And it would bring in SOME extra cash, which no one can really ever complain about that right? Besides, I asked for it and here it is so I figure I owe it to this very sweet small business owner to commit to something. Work ethics aside, it just feels right.
I'm hoping to start this weekend, she wasn't sure if she wanted to train me on a Holiday weekend, so we'll see. And no one panic, they already know about our trip to WA in June and I will have to trade shifts with someone, but it will get worked out.
WOOF!
One more thing from this weekend....
I forgot to blogg on my dreams from last night, which seem worth documenting to me for some reason.
I dreamt that I was living with two men in a large house with hard wood floors. I am a little older, Max is off at college. Neither of the men are at all familiar to me. One is obviously my boyfriend, dark haired (why do men always have dark hair in my dreams?) and major five o clock shadow, kind eyes, softly spoken and very tall, considerably taller then myself. Probably at least 6' 4" or more.
The other man, is younger by about 5 years or so, possibly my boyfriends brother. I'm not sure, but they are very familiar with one another like family tends to be.
It is a Monday morning, I am getting ready for work and I am running late. I emerge from the shower and am dressed, hair and make up done perfectly. You would never know that I'd just taken a shower, but there steam rising from all around behind me when I open the door. I am quite stunning in this dream. I am wearing a dark green knee length broomstick skirt, lined with black velvet and a white tank top with a black velvet vest. My eyes are huge and a bluish violet color. I am tall and lean and even slightly tan. My hair is huge, almost like a spiral perm, but it's very very long so the curls aren't to kinked up. Kind of like mermaid hair. Totally larger then life and exaggerated idealistic version of myself.
When I open the door from the bathroom, my boyfriend and his *brother* are watching something on a desktop computer sitting on a desk in the room directly in front of me. They are laughing and pointing at something on the screen and giving me a hard time for making us all late for work. Between us are literally hundreds and hundreds of boxes of shoes. I begin to dig through the shoe boxes frantically because we are REALLY REALLY late, it's like 9 AM already and I still don't have my shoes on! Except, I can't find the shoes I want to wear that match what I am wearing. There is a very distinct pair I am looking for obviously and when I do find the shoes I want to wear, there is only one of them and then I can't find the matching shoe. I am really upset about this, the boys are poking fun at me and asking why can't I just pick a pair of black shoes, it doesn't' matter which pair right?
Finally, because we are all so late for work, I settle on a pair of shoes that aren't exactly what I'd pictured wearing with my outfit that day but fit and are comfortable and look nice enough and at least they match right? My boyfriend comes up to me and says "You've never looked more beautiful to me."
And that's the end of it.
What the?
I dreamt that I was living with two men in a large house with hard wood floors. I am a little older, Max is off at college. Neither of the men are at all familiar to me. One is obviously my boyfriend, dark haired (why do men always have dark hair in my dreams?) and major five o clock shadow, kind eyes, softly spoken and very tall, considerably taller then myself. Probably at least 6' 4" or more.
The other man, is younger by about 5 years or so, possibly my boyfriends brother. I'm not sure, but they are very familiar with one another like family tends to be.
It is a Monday morning, I am getting ready for work and I am running late. I emerge from the shower and am dressed, hair and make up done perfectly. You would never know that I'd just taken a shower, but there steam rising from all around behind me when I open the door. I am quite stunning in this dream. I am wearing a dark green knee length broomstick skirt, lined with black velvet and a white tank top with a black velvet vest. My eyes are huge and a bluish violet color. I am tall and lean and even slightly tan. My hair is huge, almost like a spiral perm, but it's very very long so the curls aren't to kinked up. Kind of like mermaid hair. Totally larger then life and exaggerated idealistic version of myself.
When I open the door from the bathroom, my boyfriend and his *brother* are watching something on a desktop computer sitting on a desk in the room directly in front of me. They are laughing and pointing at something on the screen and giving me a hard time for making us all late for work. Between us are literally hundreds and hundreds of boxes of shoes. I begin to dig through the shoe boxes frantically because we are REALLY REALLY late, it's like 9 AM already and I still don't have my shoes on! Except, I can't find the shoes I want to wear that match what I am wearing. There is a very distinct pair I am looking for obviously and when I do find the shoes I want to wear, there is only one of them and then I can't find the matching shoe. I am really upset about this, the boys are poking fun at me and asking why can't I just pick a pair of black shoes, it doesn't' matter which pair right?
Finally, because we are all so late for work, I settle on a pair of shoes that aren't exactly what I'd pictured wearing with my outfit that day but fit and are comfortable and look nice enough and at least they match right? My boyfriend comes up to me and says "You've never looked more beautiful to me."
And that's the end of it.
What the?
Rico Suave
What a weekend! Productive AND fun, my kind of way to spend a few days away from the office.
Friday: I wasn't feeling well at all and did nothing Friday night.
Saturday: Woke up feeling refreshed and embarked on a completely crazy day. House cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and a little cooking. Max and I went on a hike in Golden. This Spring is absolutely amazing, very lush for Colorado.
H texted me at about 7 to see if I might like to come with her to the Rock Rest, the only place like it west of Denver. At first, I was hesitant. I am broke, I was tired after a long day and H's friends are a slightly different crowd then I'm used to. Nothing directly unpleasant about them, we are just very different people from what I can see. Matt is still on the mend and I could tell she wanted to get out a bit, which I realized I also did so I agreed. She picked me up and we were there by 10 or so. I danced for 3 solid hours, I'm talking solid hours of aerobic exercise Gilad would envy. My thighs, calves and abs are still sore today. My hair was soaked with sweat by the time we left the club and my arms were even getting a good work out toward the end there. It was all worth it, I had a fantastic time. Reminiscent of my days with Crys & Dane at The Church. Those days are long gone and I am definitely pushing the edge of the age where it borders on inappropriate for me to be at such an establishment, but who really cares right? The music was thumping and a good mix, the dance floor was packed and I was feeling it 100%. Good times. We went to Village Inn after and munched some greasy, fatty fried foods and went home and slept until 10 AM only to wake up with RICO stamped on my hand, which inadvertently was then stamped to my face from sleeping on it. You'd think I'd have learned THIS lesson by now! Ha!
I did gain some insight from Saturday night. Solitude has become a critical factor in my over all equation toward growth, it took my some tough situations to learn this, but I now know that I require solitude regularly in order to reflect and regenerate. However, in standard Sarah form, I took it to far there for a while. I have been in a self imposed isolation for some time now and I think I'm about over it. I had forgotten that I am a naturally social individual. Social extroversion is an obvious aspect of my personality. I thrive off of the energy of large crowds and experiences that allow me to interact with alot of different people. Exposing myself to new people and experiences is something I genuinely enjoy and get excited about. I've missed that and I realized that a large piece of my social network has changed in this past year. All for the better, I assure you. But it has changed nonetheless and I now have the opportunity to explore my options. It's kind of exciting to think about it. The next question would be what do I want to do to expose myself to different people and environments? Book club fizzled out (too many working moms!) so that's not going to happen yet. I don't want to go to clubs every weekend and it's not quite what I have in mind, that's for sure. I thought a class at Colorado Free University after we move might be a good option. I have 3 weeks of classes to take at Ameriteach, but that's all during work hours and is totally devoted to the advancement of my career. CFU would be more for fun anyway. Maybe Spanish or Creative Writing or a Dance class of sorts? Or maybe a class in graphic design. It's not free, but there courses are considerably less then CU and some actually qualify for credit! Volunteering is also something I've been considering. I've been off and on with PAH for years, I may stick with them, but as I've mentioned before working with animals or young children also seems to be a direction I feel pulled in.
I guess we'll see. Certainly the current political climate gives me some opportunities as well, there is much going on in the world right now that I could sink myself into that would be both stimulating emotionally and mentally, but socially on some level. I find that when you are involved with a group of people with one common goal, you are likely to have a lot in common with them on other levels.
Sunday, I did a little cooking and Max and I lounged about the house. It's getting warm in CO, I was actually hot last night. Supposed to be close to 90 tomorrow, it's a little early for that if you ask me. Good thing I packed away those flannel sheets already!
This week doesn't look overly chaotic, normal I'd say in terms of activity. I am supposed to do something with Pam this weekend, we'll see if that happens. Either way, it's a long weekend and I'm ready to chill a little. June is going to be busy busy busy! I can't wait to see my family, I miss them all so much.
Xo,
S
Friday: I wasn't feeling well at all and did nothing Friday night.
Saturday: Woke up feeling refreshed and embarked on a completely crazy day. House cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and a little cooking. Max and I went on a hike in Golden. This Spring is absolutely amazing, very lush for Colorado.
H texted me at about 7 to see if I might like to come with her to the Rock Rest, the only place like it west of Denver. At first, I was hesitant. I am broke, I was tired after a long day and H's friends are a slightly different crowd then I'm used to. Nothing directly unpleasant about them, we are just very different people from what I can see. Matt is still on the mend and I could tell she wanted to get out a bit, which I realized I also did so I agreed. She picked me up and we were there by 10 or so. I danced for 3 solid hours, I'm talking solid hours of aerobic exercise Gilad would envy. My thighs, calves and abs are still sore today. My hair was soaked with sweat by the time we left the club and my arms were even getting a good work out toward the end there. It was all worth it, I had a fantastic time. Reminiscent of my days with Crys & Dane at The Church. Those days are long gone and I am definitely pushing the edge of the age where it borders on inappropriate for me to be at such an establishment, but who really cares right? The music was thumping and a good mix, the dance floor was packed and I was feeling it 100%. Good times. We went to Village Inn after and munched some greasy, fatty fried foods and went home and slept until 10 AM only to wake up with RICO stamped on my hand, which inadvertently was then stamped to my face from sleeping on it. You'd think I'd have learned THIS lesson by now! Ha!
I did gain some insight from Saturday night. Solitude has become a critical factor in my over all equation toward growth, it took my some tough situations to learn this, but I now know that I require solitude regularly in order to reflect and regenerate. However, in standard Sarah form, I took it to far there for a while. I have been in a self imposed isolation for some time now and I think I'm about over it. I had forgotten that I am a naturally social individual. Social extroversion is an obvious aspect of my personality. I thrive off of the energy of large crowds and experiences that allow me to interact with alot of different people. Exposing myself to new people and experiences is something I genuinely enjoy and get excited about. I've missed that and I realized that a large piece of my social network has changed in this past year. All for the better, I assure you. But it has changed nonetheless and I now have the opportunity to explore my options. It's kind of exciting to think about it. The next question would be what do I want to do to expose myself to different people and environments? Book club fizzled out (too many working moms!) so that's not going to happen yet. I don't want to go to clubs every weekend and it's not quite what I have in mind, that's for sure. I thought a class at Colorado Free University after we move might be a good option. I have 3 weeks of classes to take at Ameriteach, but that's all during work hours and is totally devoted to the advancement of my career. CFU would be more for fun anyway. Maybe Spanish or Creative Writing or a Dance class of sorts? Or maybe a class in graphic design. It's not free, but there courses are considerably less then CU and some actually qualify for credit! Volunteering is also something I've been considering. I've been off and on with PAH for years, I may stick with them, but as I've mentioned before working with animals or young children also seems to be a direction I feel pulled in.
I guess we'll see. Certainly the current political climate gives me some opportunities as well, there is much going on in the world right now that I could sink myself into that would be both stimulating emotionally and mentally, but socially on some level. I find that when you are involved with a group of people with one common goal, you are likely to have a lot in common with them on other levels.
Sunday, I did a little cooking and Max and I lounged about the house. It's getting warm in CO, I was actually hot last night. Supposed to be close to 90 tomorrow, it's a little early for that if you ask me. Good thing I packed away those flannel sheets already!
This week doesn't look overly chaotic, normal I'd say in terms of activity. I am supposed to do something with Pam this weekend, we'll see if that happens. Either way, it's a long weekend and I'm ready to chill a little. June is going to be busy busy busy! I can't wait to see my family, I miss them all so much.
Xo,
S
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I did it!
I have a cold, I feel like giant crap today. I caught it from Max, who had it last week and as far as I can tell it only lasts a few days.
However, I am happy today! Not because I am hacking and my nose is trying to run straight off my face? Noooo silly! Because it's been almost two full months since my last cold thing, which is a record for this past year in which I have been almostly constantly ill with flu-ish, cold-ish, stomach problems. I did get a touch of food poisoning about a month ago, but that's just par for the course and couldn't be helped. The fact that it's my first viral thing in a while seems like progress yes? I've been taking my vitamins, have almost completely cut out fast food (except salads and even then I use my own dressings) and have been walking a bit more regularly. So, all things considered, could it be I am on the up swing physically?
HALLELUJAH!
The goal now is to avoid it becoming a full blown sinus/ear infection. I will overcome!
However, I am happy today! Not because I am hacking and my nose is trying to run straight off my face? Noooo silly! Because it's been almost two full months since my last cold thing, which is a record for this past year in which I have been almostly constantly ill with flu-ish, cold-ish, stomach problems. I did get a touch of food poisoning about a month ago, but that's just par for the course and couldn't be helped. The fact that it's my first viral thing in a while seems like progress yes? I've been taking my vitamins, have almost completely cut out fast food (except salads and even then I use my own dressings) and have been walking a bit more regularly. So, all things considered, could it be I am on the up swing physically?
HALLELUJAH!
The goal now is to avoid it becoming a full blown sinus/ear infection. I will overcome!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Heart burn or burnt heart?
Helllllp, my biscuits are burnin'!
Last night, I experienced full on heart burn for the first time ever. Or at least, that's what I think it was. My stomach has been rockin' and rollin' since last Monday night. I've never had my body react so strongly to stress as this. My guts feel like something is seriously wrong in there and last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon all this nastiness came up from my tummy and burned my throat and about made me throw up.
I DON'T THINK SO STOMACH! You and me, we need to talk.
I thought I could reason with my tummy. Explain to it that I haven't been eating anything particularly acidic or otherwise problematic to my standard tough-as-nails stomach lining, I don't take vitamins or drink OJ without eating something first and (baaaaad idea by the way, you know, in case you were considering it) I don't much care for tomato based sauces, but do eat them raw whenever I get the chance b/c they are SOOOO yummy!
I said "Tummy, what's your deal? I'm good to you, in fact a little too good...have you noticed the muffin top you've got going on? HELLLO!"
It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp."
I said "Tummy, come on. We can be friends, right? I know times are tough, I know the rest of my body isn't exactly agreeing with me either right now, but YOU? I've always thought I count on you?"
It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp." and more burning crud came up, which made me run to the potty because I thought I was loosing my lunch. No such luck, this was WORSE then the dreaded porcelain god worshipping, way worse!
Fine, you win tummy. For now. But don't get too excited, this isn't over.
Last night, I experienced full on heart burn for the first time ever. Or at least, that's what I think it was. My stomach has been rockin' and rollin' since last Monday night. I've never had my body react so strongly to stress as this. My guts feel like something is seriously wrong in there and last night, after a particularly difficult afternoon all this nastiness came up from my tummy and burned my throat and about made me throw up.
I DON'T THINK SO STOMACH! You and me, we need to talk.
I thought I could reason with my tummy. Explain to it that I haven't been eating anything particularly acidic or otherwise problematic to my standard tough-as-nails stomach lining, I don't take vitamins or drink OJ without eating something first and (baaaaad idea by the way, you know, in case you were considering it) I don't much care for tomato based sauces, but do eat them raw whenever I get the chance b/c they are SOOOO yummy!
I said "Tummy, what's your deal? I'm good to you, in fact a little too good...have you noticed the muffin top you've got going on? HELLLO!"
It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp."
I said "Tummy, come on. We can be friends, right? I know times are tough, I know the rest of my body isn't exactly agreeing with me either right now, but YOU? I've always thought I count on you?"
It said "Burllllurrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppp." and more burning crud came up, which made me run to the potty because I thought I was loosing my lunch. No such luck, this was WORSE then the dreaded porcelain god worshipping, way worse!
Fine, you win tummy. For now. But don't get too excited, this isn't over.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Rainy Day....Just Keep Swimming!
It's perfect for my mood, I am a bit....deflated I guess today. I am not sleeping well at all. I sit up and worry and fret and agonize about my choices and whether I'm doing the right thing. Certainly, I did not get here on my own. I wouldn't have even probably traveled down this road were it not for outside influences and my not being strong enough to say when. I am stronger now, but that doesn't exactly solve the current situation at hand.
Just keep swimming.....just keep swimming!
Just keep swimming.....just keep swimming!
Monday, May 12, 2008
A 30 something woman's take on 40 something men
Max has been doing yard work for our neighbor, Gary. Which has given me the opportunity to get to know him a little more in the past month or so.
Very kind, crazy sense of humor and is in his late 40's. He is a successful photographer and will be traveling to China to cover the Olympics in Beijing for a few contracts he's secured, one of which is National Geographic. His home is basically a storage area for his equipment. Literally, every room is wall to wall camera's, lens, tri-pods, digital equipment, lighting equipment and things I as a novice have no clue about. The basement is being used as a dark room (perfect, the basement in that unit is not finished like mine) and this residence doesn't really feel like a home, more as a place he has landed. It belongs to his ex wife and he is renting it while on assignment in CO for the next year or so.
Friday night, after Matt & Helen left (we had some food and visited for a bit) I was heading out to my car to get my iPod. As I was heading back up the stairs from my car, I noticed Gary sitting on his deck having a cocktail. Joining him was Tracy, a long time friend of Gary who has been in town from Milwaukee. Tracy is also a photographer, out here on assignment from a magazine Wisconsin for the Democratic Convention, this was his first visit to familiarize himself with Denver. I found out this weekend that Gary is also from Wisconsin, Kenosha. Freaking cheese heads, wow small world aye?
In any event, I smiled, waved and they invited me over for drinks and I proceeded to spend the remainder of the evening chatting with them and having probably one of the best evenings I've had in months. We talked and laughed about Wisconsin. We talked about their work, my work. Max and life in Colorado. Conversation flowed incredibly well and I found myself basically enthralled by these guys and frankly, I think they both appreciated a pretty woman to spend the evening with, even though they were both perfect gentlemen and I did not at all feel like either of them were looking at me as if I had nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation. I felt more as if I was appreciated, just for being who I am. Considering that Gary is 48 (16 years my senior) and Tracy is 42 (10 years my senior) I was sort of expecting some degree of condescending comments about my age or lack of experience or any number of different things. Not once, in fact both of them seemed quite impressed by what I had achieved thus far (though I briefly explained my poor decision making in the past 3 years) and generally seemed interested in what I had to say. I kept checking for signs of creepiness, whether or not they were really more interested in my anatomy then our conversation, but I didn't get that vibe and I kept thinking to myself, could it be that THIS is what maturity does to men? Or maybe just these men.....
I learned a lot about these two people in the time we spoke. The photo journals they each have are breath-taking, it's like looking at 20 years of someone's life all documented in black & white or vivid color. They have loved, lost loves. Both have been married before, but not since. Traveled all over the world and lived in various cultures, had money and none at all. Lost mothers, fathers, children (one story was particularly heart breaking) siblings and best friends. Of course they both play instruments and eat organic food and are politically minded. And of course, I was totally charmed by them both. I'd say mostly because neither was in a big hurry to congratulate themselves on their own self importance or some how trying to impress me or one another.
Tracy and I hit it off quite well and Gary ended up heading into bed. Tracy and I sat up talking until 2 or so in the morning, drinking champagne and swapping life stories. I felt incredibly guilty for keeping him so late as his plane left for WI at 11 AM on Saturday, but he kept reassuring me that he was a "big boy" and sleep was something he'd become accustomed to coming and going. We exchanged email addresses, as he'll be back in town in July and then again in August to cover the convention. I realized, at the end of the evening that I had, once again been utterly charmed by a creative intellectual with a rainbow of life experience behind him, some incredibly sad and horrifying stories and some amazing. I even spent part of Saturday wondering what it might be like to date this man? Considerably older then myself and seems to share some of my passions in life. I am most definitely attracted to him, I can't lie. I thought that to myself the first time I met him 2 weeks ago. He is tall, dark and looks like someone you might see in a movie. Dark dark hair and skin, his mother is Puerto Rican and his father is French. He is cultured and interesting and has a masters degree in history and world religions. He is creative and a musician and is definitely passionate about life, though not at all creepy or disrespectful.
At least, this is what I saw in him Friday night based on what he's shared with me. Which could all be lies, though I'm inclined to believe much of what he say's because of the interaction between he and Gary. They obviously have known one another for at least as long as they say and it's sort of hard to ignore the photo journals. Pictures of past photo shoots, locations, wives, girlfriends, kids and families. It's hard to ignore that....
Silly woman! NO NO NO! BAD SARAH! Hello, haven't you learned your lesson? Chance APPEARED to be many of these things when you first met him, right? Hello, remember how madly insanely in love with him you were? How blinded you were by his charm and we all know how that turned out. Don't be stupid. Though, just writing about my evening makes me smile because it was, again, one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had in some time. And I won't deny that I secretly hope Tracy does email me, because I find him fascinating and would like to talk with him more and hell, if he wants to take me to dinner when he comes back here in July, why wouldn't I let him? He certainly was hinting around about that, but I am still sort of weird about men and don't trust anything that comes out of their mouths. But I will admit to softening a bit in this man's direction.
I will also admit to thinking to myself long and hard about why I it was that I happened upon these two at 8:30 on a Friday night? Both of these guys basically treated me like a princess the whole night. I didn't have to lift a finger. If I was low on champagne it was immediately noticed (and no, they were not trying to get me drunk) and I was asked if I would like a refill. And it wasn't cheap crap, their taste in liquor is pretty high end. Food was ordered from the Italian deli up the street and their choices were outstanding. Neither of them goffed at my requests (they asked what I would like) for at least one vegetarian dish and to my surprise 3 were ordered, along with their own choices and we all shared with plenty to spare. When I tried to pay my way for my portions of the meal, they looked at me as if I was insane and said absolutely not. Tracy made every effort to be quiet when Gary went to sleep so we would not disturb him and was considerate of that the entire evening. He was, after all a guest in this man's house. A little consideration of one's fellow man? Whoa, I was floored.
Maybe it was the universe giving me a little nudge, if you ARE going to date at some point, maybe you should consider your options and open your horizons a little. Dismissing a man simply because he is 10 or more years your senior seems ridiculous now. Quite the contrary, more so the idea seems more appealing.
There must be something seriously wrong with both of them, that's all I can say. The range of things have entered my mind. Commitment phobic? Set in their ways and insane? They eat with their feet? Have exploding foot fungus? *giggle*
How sad am I? Can't even trust it when the world hands it to me on a platter. That's enough of that distraction, but it was a nice one for a few hours:)
Very kind, crazy sense of humor and is in his late 40's. He is a successful photographer and will be traveling to China to cover the Olympics in Beijing for a few contracts he's secured, one of which is National Geographic. His home is basically a storage area for his equipment. Literally, every room is wall to wall camera's, lens, tri-pods, digital equipment, lighting equipment and things I as a novice have no clue about. The basement is being used as a dark room (perfect, the basement in that unit is not finished like mine) and this residence doesn't really feel like a home, more as a place he has landed. It belongs to his ex wife and he is renting it while on assignment in CO for the next year or so.
Friday night, after Matt & Helen left (we had some food and visited for a bit) I was heading out to my car to get my iPod. As I was heading back up the stairs from my car, I noticed Gary sitting on his deck having a cocktail. Joining him was Tracy, a long time friend of Gary who has been in town from Milwaukee. Tracy is also a photographer, out here on assignment from a magazine Wisconsin for the Democratic Convention, this was his first visit to familiarize himself with Denver. I found out this weekend that Gary is also from Wisconsin, Kenosha. Freaking cheese heads, wow small world aye?
In any event, I smiled, waved and they invited me over for drinks and I proceeded to spend the remainder of the evening chatting with them and having probably one of the best evenings I've had in months. We talked and laughed about Wisconsin. We talked about their work, my work. Max and life in Colorado. Conversation flowed incredibly well and I found myself basically enthralled by these guys and frankly, I think they both appreciated a pretty woman to spend the evening with, even though they were both perfect gentlemen and I did not at all feel like either of them were looking at me as if I had nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation. I felt more as if I was appreciated, just for being who I am. Considering that Gary is 48 (16 years my senior) and Tracy is 42 (10 years my senior) I was sort of expecting some degree of condescending comments about my age or lack of experience or any number of different things. Not once, in fact both of them seemed quite impressed by what I had achieved thus far (though I briefly explained my poor decision making in the past 3 years) and generally seemed interested in what I had to say. I kept checking for signs of creepiness, whether or not they were really more interested in my anatomy then our conversation, but I didn't get that vibe and I kept thinking to myself, could it be that THIS is what maturity does to men? Or maybe just these men.....
I learned a lot about these two people in the time we spoke. The photo journals they each have are breath-taking, it's like looking at 20 years of someone's life all documented in black & white or vivid color. They have loved, lost loves. Both have been married before, but not since. Traveled all over the world and lived in various cultures, had money and none at all. Lost mothers, fathers, children (one story was particularly heart breaking) siblings and best friends. Of course they both play instruments and eat organic food and are politically minded. And of course, I was totally charmed by them both. I'd say mostly because neither was in a big hurry to congratulate themselves on their own self importance or some how trying to impress me or one another.
Tracy and I hit it off quite well and Gary ended up heading into bed. Tracy and I sat up talking until 2 or so in the morning, drinking champagne and swapping life stories. I felt incredibly guilty for keeping him so late as his plane left for WI at 11 AM on Saturday, but he kept reassuring me that he was a "big boy" and sleep was something he'd become accustomed to coming and going. We exchanged email addresses, as he'll be back in town in July and then again in August to cover the convention. I realized, at the end of the evening that I had, once again been utterly charmed by a creative intellectual with a rainbow of life experience behind him, some incredibly sad and horrifying stories and some amazing. I even spent part of Saturday wondering what it might be like to date this man? Considerably older then myself and seems to share some of my passions in life. I am most definitely attracted to him, I can't lie. I thought that to myself the first time I met him 2 weeks ago. He is tall, dark and looks like someone you might see in a movie. Dark dark hair and skin, his mother is Puerto Rican and his father is French. He is cultured and interesting and has a masters degree in history and world religions. He is creative and a musician and is definitely passionate about life, though not at all creepy or disrespectful.
At least, this is what I saw in him Friday night based on what he's shared with me. Which could all be lies, though I'm inclined to believe much of what he say's because of the interaction between he and Gary. They obviously have known one another for at least as long as they say and it's sort of hard to ignore the photo journals. Pictures of past photo shoots, locations, wives, girlfriends, kids and families. It's hard to ignore that....
Silly woman! NO NO NO! BAD SARAH! Hello, haven't you learned your lesson? Chance APPEARED to be many of these things when you first met him, right? Hello, remember how madly insanely in love with him you were? How blinded you were by his charm and we all know how that turned out. Don't be stupid. Though, just writing about my evening makes me smile because it was, again, one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had in some time. And I won't deny that I secretly hope Tracy does email me, because I find him fascinating and would like to talk with him more and hell, if he wants to take me to dinner when he comes back here in July, why wouldn't I let him? He certainly was hinting around about that, but I am still sort of weird about men and don't trust anything that comes out of their mouths. But I will admit to softening a bit in this man's direction.
I will also admit to thinking to myself long and hard about why I it was that I happened upon these two at 8:30 on a Friday night? Both of these guys basically treated me like a princess the whole night. I didn't have to lift a finger. If I was low on champagne it was immediately noticed (and no, they were not trying to get me drunk) and I was asked if I would like a refill. And it wasn't cheap crap, their taste in liquor is pretty high end. Food was ordered from the Italian deli up the street and their choices were outstanding. Neither of them goffed at my requests (they asked what I would like) for at least one vegetarian dish and to my surprise 3 were ordered, along with their own choices and we all shared with plenty to spare. When I tried to pay my way for my portions of the meal, they looked at me as if I was insane and said absolutely not. Tracy made every effort to be quiet when Gary went to sleep so we would not disturb him and was considerate of that the entire evening. He was, after all a guest in this man's house. A little consideration of one's fellow man? Whoa, I was floored.
Maybe it was the universe giving me a little nudge, if you ARE going to date at some point, maybe you should consider your options and open your horizons a little. Dismissing a man simply because he is 10 or more years your senior seems ridiculous now. Quite the contrary, more so the idea seems more appealing.
There must be something seriously wrong with both of them, that's all I can say. The range of things have entered my mind. Commitment phobic? Set in their ways and insane? They eat with their feet? Have exploding foot fungus? *giggle*
How sad am I? Can't even trust it when the world hands it to me on a platter. That's enough of that distraction, but it was a nice one for a few hours:)
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A Sweet Sweet Day
I woke up early, had some break feast with Max and we both went back to bed until noon! I slept like a baby and a Gaia cat was even keeping me company. I awoke to fresh roses and baby's breathe from Max and this silly little sheepish grin on his face. What a darling he is, he was so proud of himself and I was of him as well. It's the kind of thing only a son can do for their mom's that brings that silly grin out in their face, I am so blessed to see it every now and then:)
We spent a few hours putzing around the house and then ordered pizza and rented some movies. Turned off our phones and the boy actually cuddled me! Can you believe that? It made me realize how starved I am for physical contact, I felt like I never wanted to let him go. I realized as I was snuggling my boy and feeling totally content in the moment that our lives are changing in such a rapid motion that I am pretty overcome by it. I feel a little alone and a lot scared. But I still hold a sense of trust in the world and the people in it. I'm growing up a bit, Max is growing up alot. Big changes, universal shifts for us and the world at large I think. All of us are going through major transitions in this time, certainly I am not the only person I know facing adversities, challenges and growth. There's isn't exactly a sense of contentment in that knowledge, but at least the idea that we are changing. As a culture, as a world nation. I hope for the better, mostly I think so.
I am heading to bed, having checked my emails for the night and a few other sites I check in daily. Here's an interesting Alternet article, definitely worth a read:
http://www.alternet.org/workplace/84962
We spent a few hours putzing around the house and then ordered pizza and rented some movies. Turned off our phones and the boy actually cuddled me! Can you believe that? It made me realize how starved I am for physical contact, I felt like I never wanted to let him go. I realized as I was snuggling my boy and feeling totally content in the moment that our lives are changing in such a rapid motion that I am pretty overcome by it. I feel a little alone and a lot scared. But I still hold a sense of trust in the world and the people in it. I'm growing up a bit, Max is growing up alot. Big changes, universal shifts for us and the world at large I think. All of us are going through major transitions in this time, certainly I am not the only person I know facing adversities, challenges and growth. There's isn't exactly a sense of contentment in that knowledge, but at least the idea that we are changing. As a culture, as a world nation. I hope for the better, mostly I think so.
I am heading to bed, having checked my emails for the night and a few other sites I check in daily. Here's an interesting Alternet article, definitely worth a read:
http://www.alternet.org/workplace/84962
Friday, May 09, 2008
BAAAAAD KITTEHS!
Pumpkin:
A rare shot of her in total kitteh peace. She's quiet, not licking me or molesting my shoulder and is tucked up in a nice little kitteh hug.
A rare shot of her in total kitteh peace. She's quiet, not licking me or molesting my shoulder and is tucked up in a nice little kitteh hug.
Gaia: Going ape shit over the blue feather duster thingy. BEHOLD DEMON CAT!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Cat Hair
I just noticed there is Pumpkin hair all over my shirt. sigh. That's what I get for dressing in the dark and having a cat that sometimes sleeps on my clean laundry. That's ok, I'll go home and put my human smell all over her and then she'll have to take a long bath...wait, that's Gaia. Pumpkin can't get enough human, Gaia could mostly pass on it unless there's sink water or milk in it for her....oh and Kitty Krack (catnip) as Max now calls it. It occurred to me last night as we performed our daily catnip ritual and Gaia was rubbing all over it, only to flip over unexpectedly and race up and down the stairs a few times that it says alot about our culture that there is an entire industry devoted soley to the intoxication of our dear kitteh's so that they can goes nuts, all for entertainment purposes. Ours and the cat's I guess too. But more for ours I think, this seems a little sick when I think of it like that.
Gaia is looking gorgeous by the way, most of her fur has grown back from the surgery and her coat is getting back to it's luxuriously beautiful black self. Pumpkin is old and crotchety and needs constant attention when I am home, which I don't really mind except she has to be practically on top of me at all times if I am sitting and sometimes it's like DOOOD, I need some space!!!!!
I sort of feel like that in general right now, like I need some space. Physical space. Head space. Sometimes things get so complicated and emotional that I'm not totally able to manage it. Being a big girl isn't always easy and unlike when I was younger, I require a lot more solitude than I used to and I've not been getting it. Luckily, weekend is looking quiet. First weekend without a soccer game for.....2 months? Something like that. No social engagements, no work. Wow. I'm kind of excited actually b/c I have some motiviation to sort through junk in the basement and get all the shelving boxed up and cleaned out. It's something I've been ignoring, there's still a box full of Chance's garbage in there if you can believe it. I'm not sure what to do with some of it as it's electronics stuff, I think there's somewhere I can take it to be recycled? I also need to call the people to come and pick up the old washer and dryers. I know those can be useful somewhere.
Some big changes going on at home, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Said solitude is required before I can do so.
Xo,
S
Gaia is looking gorgeous by the way, most of her fur has grown back from the surgery and her coat is getting back to it's luxuriously beautiful black self. Pumpkin is old and crotchety and needs constant attention when I am home, which I don't really mind except she has to be practically on top of me at all times if I am sitting and sometimes it's like DOOOD, I need some space!!!!!
I sort of feel like that in general right now, like I need some space. Physical space. Head space. Sometimes things get so complicated and emotional that I'm not totally able to manage it. Being a big girl isn't always easy and unlike when I was younger, I require a lot more solitude than I used to and I've not been getting it. Luckily, weekend is looking quiet. First weekend without a soccer game for.....2 months? Something like that. No social engagements, no work. Wow. I'm kind of excited actually b/c I have some motiviation to sort through junk in the basement and get all the shelving boxed up and cleaned out. It's something I've been ignoring, there's still a box full of Chance's garbage in there if you can believe it. I'm not sure what to do with some of it as it's electronics stuff, I think there's somewhere I can take it to be recycled? I also need to call the people to come and pick up the old washer and dryers. I know those can be useful somewhere.
Some big changes going on at home, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Said solitude is required before I can do so.
Xo,
S
Monday, May 05, 2008
You Came In With The Breeze....On Monday Morning!
Blogg title reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUqTH9e9sQU
Happy Monday Friends!
I'm at work, bright and early and ready to start another week. Our lead developer is currently yucking it up with our new DBA, swapping stories about past nasty roommates. They are being pretty loud for 7:15 AM on a Monday morning, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't annoying me as I got in early to get a head start on my week. I'm trying to ignore them because frankly it's pretty rude and the content of their discussion is seriously gross (5 guys living in a house during college, yeah ewwww!) except the stories remind me of what a total slob and inconsiderate person Chance was to live with and how happy I am to no longer be cleaning up after him. Max is an amazing helper around the house, cleaned his room spotless yesterday without even a word on my end and also manages to keep his own bathroom fairly neat. Getting Chance to even lift a finger was like pulling teeth and I was made to feel like a crazy person for requesting assistance and expecting a fairly organized and neat environment. What a freaking relief.
Dinning Out For Life went well on Thursday night, I don't have totals yet for our location but I'm sure they'll update the website at some point:
http://www.projectangelheart.org/
No new information on Matty, our thoughts are with him. I really hope we will have more information today, I keep repeating in my mind that speculating and worry will do no good at all.
Plans are coming together for our WA trip in June. I will have a pretty solidly itinerary by Friday. I need to just wrap up a few things with the Cousins and Crystal and we should be good.
The knee feels like it's on the mend, all the stairs at Jose O' Shea's on Thursday night for Dining Out For Life did a number on me though, probably could've done with out that.
Max is doing ok, I see a bit of a shift in attidue which is most appreciated. Perhaps the wave of hormones has subsided, School is still up for debate, it is what it is.
Ok, off to work. Busy week, as usual but my funk seems to have lifted a little, thank the sweet goddesses because otherwise I was thinking of checking in at Sunnybrook for a few:)
Xo,
S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUqTH9e9sQU
Happy Monday Friends!
I'm at work, bright and early and ready to start another week. Our lead developer is currently yucking it up with our new DBA, swapping stories about past nasty roommates. They are being pretty loud for 7:15 AM on a Monday morning, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't annoying me as I got in early to get a head start on my week. I'm trying to ignore them because frankly it's pretty rude and the content of their discussion is seriously gross (5 guys living in a house during college, yeah ewwww!) except the stories remind me of what a total slob and inconsiderate person Chance was to live with and how happy I am to no longer be cleaning up after him. Max is an amazing helper around the house, cleaned his room spotless yesterday without even a word on my end and also manages to keep his own bathroom fairly neat. Getting Chance to even lift a finger was like pulling teeth and I was made to feel like a crazy person for requesting assistance and expecting a fairly organized and neat environment. What a freaking relief.
Dinning Out For Life went well on Thursday night, I don't have totals yet for our location but I'm sure they'll update the website at some point:
http://www.projectangelheart.org/
No new information on Matty, our thoughts are with him. I really hope we will have more information today, I keep repeating in my mind that speculating and worry will do no good at all.
Plans are coming together for our WA trip in June. I will have a pretty solidly itinerary by Friday. I need to just wrap up a few things with the Cousins and Crystal and we should be good.
The knee feels like it's on the mend, all the stairs at Jose O' Shea's on Thursday night for Dining Out For Life did a number on me though, probably could've done with out that.
Max is doing ok, I see a bit of a shift in attidue which is most appreciated. Perhaps the wave of hormones has subsided, School is still up for debate, it is what it is.
Ok, off to work. Busy week, as usual but my funk seems to have lifted a little, thank the sweet goddesses because otherwise I was thinking of checking in at Sunnybrook for a few:)
Xo,
S
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I Love The Smell Of NIN In The Morning
I'm pretty worked up these past few days. To others it might sound counterproductive, but angry rageful violent music helps me transcend this energy into something more positive. Because I can release it safely, that's the beuaty of music. For some of us, it serves as such a poweful outlet it can change an entire situation around so one can think more clearly. NIN, Tool, Blue October are perfect for such situations for moi. The angry situations I mean. The frustrated-hateful-I-want-to-thrash-around-and-scream-my-head-off in-the-car ones.
There really isn't any new reason for the place I'm at emotionally. Filing for bankruptcy is pretty stressfull. Max is a teenage boy who can only see me as the tyrant who wants to control him and is constantly in his business about school (How dare I CARE about him!) and I've managed to blow out my knee pretty badly via an injury that would've never occurred 30 lbs ago. The blues are also perservering, which makes me want to scream. Sometimes I despise those raging chemicals in my body. Don't they have better things to do then put me in a funk? Why can't they work on shaping me into a glowing, svelt beuaty? I feel more like a cranky old witch, complete with wart on my nose and crooked little teeth. The better to eat you with my dear.
Yargh.
Oh well, I should learn to follow my own advice to others who are panicking. Last time I spoke to Pam, I told her "At least you know it will change. Something will eventually change and with changes comes the opportunity for progress and growth."
Sounds better than it feels right now.
Yargh MATEY!
There really isn't any new reason for the place I'm at emotionally. Filing for bankruptcy is pretty stressfull. Max is a teenage boy who can only see me as the tyrant who wants to control him and is constantly in his business about school (How dare I CARE about him!) and I've managed to blow out my knee pretty badly via an injury that would've never occurred 30 lbs ago. The blues are also perservering, which makes me want to scream. Sometimes I despise those raging chemicals in my body. Don't they have better things to do then put me in a funk? Why can't they work on shaping me into a glowing, svelt beuaty? I feel more like a cranky old witch, complete with wart on my nose and crooked little teeth. The better to eat you with my dear.
Yargh.
Oh well, I should learn to follow my own advice to others who are panicking. Last time I spoke to Pam, I told her "At least you know it will change. Something will eventually change and with changes comes the opportunity for progress and growth."
Sounds better than it feels right now.
Yargh MATEY!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Holy Exhaustion Batman!
Why I come into work on Monday's dragging ass like I do, I'll never know. The only real reason I have is that my weekends are not as restful as they probably should be, but such is life.
Friday night I played catch up with Crystal, which was not only desperately needed but also greatly appreciated. Crystal's stories of Egypt and her experiences are awe inspiring and I look forward to hearing more in detail as she is able to document and/or verbalize with me. I know that this trip was important for her and I do hope that she has gained further insight and healing from this journey.
I also spoke at length with my Aunty MB about our coming trip to WA in June, which was a good start to what will probably end up being a trip to remember considering the amount of people we plan to see and the events planned thus far are considerable. I can't wait to see everyone and be near the water, just thinking of it soothes me.
Max had soccer Saturday and I had to work a good portion of the day. Boo on the work, Hoorah on the soccer game:) Max is a splendid goalie, I am so proud!
Bryan S is in town getting his condo ready for renters. I think his decision to rent rather than sell was an incredibly wise one at this juncture in his situation, besides the housing market sucks for sellers and he has put a lot of work into that place and I suspect he may want to hold onto it in case he comes back to Denver some day. It's the perfect place for a single person or a young couple, so beautiful and peaceful and loads of character. Good stuff. However, a fair amount of work was needed to get it in order for the renters, enter "Good Friends Who Work For Beer & Pizza" :) Sandy and Tony were also there as well as Bryan's buddies from school Ryan and Kevin. Max and I were there early to get the kitchen in order and get windows washed before the boys painted. Then we moved on to the bathroom and yard work. It was a good day, albeit a totally exhausting one.
How much I miss Bryan can't really be described in words. He is a good friend to me and when he hugs me I know that he loves me too. Like all relationships, the bond we share is a unique one. We process information and emotions similarly, we share a certain Type A, slightly anal and controlling temperament that we are both constantly trying to manage for the sanity of the world around us as we tend to torture those in our lives with our intensity. We can go months without seeing one another but are instantly on point within the first few moments of our visits, like we are still working beside each other day to day at CORRA all those years ago or having drinks at the Thin Man on a Friday night. He is kind of a male version of Crystal to me in some ways, if that's possible LOL :) We both have been knocked around pretty good this past year, it was almost exactly a year ago this weekend that I saw him before he left for DC and he & Kim had announced their divorce, which rocked all of us pretty deeply. Funny how much you associate two people together when that's all you know of them. It's still kind of strange to think of them as separate, not together...no more. This scenario, between them has taught me loads and loads about how to be a friend to both parties and how to try and be compassionate in the process. Naturally you may feel strongly in one direction or another, though I really didn't in this situation, I just felt a lot of sadness for them both.
A side note, I have to bring this one thing up which in retrospect totally floored me yesterday when it kind of popped into my head as I was scrubbing out the oven.....When I told Chance that B & K were divorcing, Chance seemed almost...I don't know, EXCITED about the idea because he seemed to just naturally assume that someone had cheated. Even though I several times "DOOD, Bryan DID NOT cheat on her!" but he kept bringing it up and I remember thinking, what is his deal with this? Hrm....guilty conscience? If it's possible that Chance does in fact have that little voice in him that tells him he's done wrong, then maybe. Either that or he wanted to feel justified that if someone so honorable as Bryan (b/c Chance KNOWS how I feel about Bryan) could cheat on someone so beautiful and incredible as Kim (whom is an equally good friend to me) then surely Chance can't be that much of a bastard in cheating on me, right? Ha, that theory would work out fine if cheating had even been remotely close to the cause of their divorce. But of course, it was not b/c these are two people who kind enough to one another to not do something so horrendous, even in their parting they have been exceptionally kind to one another, which I know has taken some effort on both parts to do so.
Sorry, little distraction there.....anywhoozle, the day was a success and all things considered, I see a much happier and healthier man now then I did a year ago and he commented that I look a bit shinier then I've sounded on the phone and this made me happy, someone notices. That's good:) The most exciting news is that B will be visiting Colorado once per quarter for the next 2 years, which means I will have a fair amount of opportunity to see him and hear about his adventures in DC and the non profit world and talk about love and how complicated it can be, but also how rewarding it is and Max and what it's like to be me and what it's like to be him. I look forward to that. I also look forward to seeing those silly boys again. Ryan makes me laugh like a hyena and has probably the sweetest and kindest eyes I've ever seen on a man. Kevin talks in golfing and bartender terms at all times, he reminds me faintly of what my grandfather might've been like at 34. Sandy and I see each other regularly luckily, but when we all get together there tends to be a lot of beer drinking and debate about the vicious cycle of homelessness or the election or can America really go "Green" and generally how relieved we all are that GWB is on his way out regardless of who wins.
I'm tired from yesterday, but it was a good day. And the house looks great. We met the couple that is moving in, they are cute. Young, hipsters. Perfect.
This week is average on the scale of activity, my main goal socially is to get a walk in with Mary and possibly meet up with Rhy & Margaret for the art walk on Sante Fe Friday night. Thursday night Max and I have volunteer duty for "Dining Out For Life," details can be found here: http://www.projectangelheart.org/ Saturday is soccer. I'm already looking forward to Sunday for rest!
Tonight I will rest to I think, I'm beat!
Work is going ok, life is mostly ok. I'm hanging in there.
Xo all, more to come as it becomes available.
S
Friday night I played catch up with Crystal, which was not only desperately needed but also greatly appreciated. Crystal's stories of Egypt and her experiences are awe inspiring and I look forward to hearing more in detail as she is able to document and/or verbalize with me. I know that this trip was important for her and I do hope that she has gained further insight and healing from this journey.
I also spoke at length with my Aunty MB about our coming trip to WA in June, which was a good start to what will probably end up being a trip to remember considering the amount of people we plan to see and the events planned thus far are considerable. I can't wait to see everyone and be near the water, just thinking of it soothes me.
Max had soccer Saturday and I had to work a good portion of the day. Boo on the work, Hoorah on the soccer game:) Max is a splendid goalie, I am so proud!
Bryan S is in town getting his condo ready for renters. I think his decision to rent rather than sell was an incredibly wise one at this juncture in his situation, besides the housing market sucks for sellers and he has put a lot of work into that place and I suspect he may want to hold onto it in case he comes back to Denver some day. It's the perfect place for a single person or a young couple, so beautiful and peaceful and loads of character. Good stuff. However, a fair amount of work was needed to get it in order for the renters, enter "Good Friends Who Work For Beer & Pizza" :) Sandy and Tony were also there as well as Bryan's buddies from school Ryan and Kevin. Max and I were there early to get the kitchen in order and get windows washed before the boys painted. Then we moved on to the bathroom and yard work. It was a good day, albeit a totally exhausting one.
How much I miss Bryan can't really be described in words. He is a good friend to me and when he hugs me I know that he loves me too. Like all relationships, the bond we share is a unique one. We process information and emotions similarly, we share a certain Type A, slightly anal and controlling temperament that we are both constantly trying to manage for the sanity of the world around us as we tend to torture those in our lives with our intensity. We can go months without seeing one another but are instantly on point within the first few moments of our visits, like we are still working beside each other day to day at CORRA all those years ago or having drinks at the Thin Man on a Friday night. He is kind of a male version of Crystal to me in some ways, if that's possible LOL :) We both have been knocked around pretty good this past year, it was almost exactly a year ago this weekend that I saw him before he left for DC and he & Kim had announced their divorce, which rocked all of us pretty deeply. Funny how much you associate two people together when that's all you know of them. It's still kind of strange to think of them as separate, not together...no more. This scenario, between them has taught me loads and loads about how to be a friend to both parties and how to try and be compassionate in the process. Naturally you may feel strongly in one direction or another, though I really didn't in this situation, I just felt a lot of sadness for them both.
A side note, I have to bring this one thing up which in retrospect totally floored me yesterday when it kind of popped into my head as I was scrubbing out the oven.....When I told Chance that B & K were divorcing, Chance seemed almost...I don't know, EXCITED about the idea because he seemed to just naturally assume that someone had cheated. Even though I several times "DOOD, Bryan DID NOT cheat on her!" but he kept bringing it up and I remember thinking, what is his deal with this? Hrm....guilty conscience? If it's possible that Chance does in fact have that little voice in him that tells him he's done wrong, then maybe. Either that or he wanted to feel justified that if someone so honorable as Bryan (b/c Chance KNOWS how I feel about Bryan) could cheat on someone so beautiful and incredible as Kim (whom is an equally good friend to me) then surely Chance can't be that much of a bastard in cheating on me, right? Ha, that theory would work out fine if cheating had even been remotely close to the cause of their divorce. But of course, it was not b/c these are two people who kind enough to one another to not do something so horrendous, even in their parting they have been exceptionally kind to one another, which I know has taken some effort on both parts to do so.
Sorry, little distraction there.....anywhoozle, the day was a success and all things considered, I see a much happier and healthier man now then I did a year ago and he commented that I look a bit shinier then I've sounded on the phone and this made me happy, someone notices. That's good:) The most exciting news is that B will be visiting Colorado once per quarter for the next 2 years, which means I will have a fair amount of opportunity to see him and hear about his adventures in DC and the non profit world and talk about love and how complicated it can be, but also how rewarding it is and Max and what it's like to be me and what it's like to be him. I look forward to that. I also look forward to seeing those silly boys again. Ryan makes me laugh like a hyena and has probably the sweetest and kindest eyes I've ever seen on a man. Kevin talks in golfing and bartender terms at all times, he reminds me faintly of what my grandfather might've been like at 34. Sandy and I see each other regularly luckily, but when we all get together there tends to be a lot of beer drinking and debate about the vicious cycle of homelessness or the election or can America really go "Green" and generally how relieved we all are that GWB is on his way out regardless of who wins.
I'm tired from yesterday, but it was a good day. And the house looks great. We met the couple that is moving in, they are cute. Young, hipsters. Perfect.
This week is average on the scale of activity, my main goal socially is to get a walk in with Mary and possibly meet up with Rhy & Margaret for the art walk on Sante Fe Friday night. Thursday night Max and I have volunteer duty for "Dining Out For Life," details can be found here: http://www.projectangelheart.org/ Saturday is soccer. I'm already looking forward to Sunday for rest!
Tonight I will rest to I think, I'm beat!
Work is going ok, life is mostly ok. I'm hanging in there.
Xo all, more to come as it becomes available.
S
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Could Do It All By Mah-Self
I had a mega "Imma rockin' cool chick" moment today.
My radio mysteriously decided to just die out on me, about a week ago. Those of you who know me, know that I listen to music in the car almost every time I'm in it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my stereo. Jetta's come with a cranking stock stereo, it's truly a perk of owning this car. All I need to do is replace a blown out speaker in the rear drivers side door and it will sound great! Good as new at it's increasing age (the baby Jetta will officially be 5 years old in about 7 months) creeps up on me, I can't ask for more.
So this has been a bit traumatic for me. Anxiety, my daily routine has been all jacked up and I mostly feel like I might go crazy if I have to sit in total silence to and from work each day for another straight work week. It also caused me all this silly worry about how I would get it fixed and not at all wanting to take it to a service station (cuz where I live, if you have breasts, they tend to rip you off and talk to you like you are a five year old, but I digress) and deal with all that hassle over something I suspected couldn't be THAT hard right?
Well, lucky for me in this case, I was right. I did a little research on the interwebs and after reading about 6 articles on the subject, I found out that this is just a weird quark VW Jetta's have (particularly my year) and what to do to fix it. I popped open that dreaded fuse box, cast the magic spell described in these articles (which consists of removing the fuse that powers the radio and another fuse, waiting 10 seconds and plugging them both in at the same time, something about resetting something or other blah blah whatever) and voila......my stereo is back in action! YAYYYYYYY STEREO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FRUIT!
Tonight, it will be YAYYYYYYY BEER as I am proud of myself over this little victory.
This might seem silly to some of you. Particularly because I am capable of doing things like changing out hardware in my computer, hanging dry cement screws (another YAY Me moment, cuz it' kind of a pain in the ass, I can tell you!) and have even managed to learn some things about minor plumbing repair. Go freaking figure!
But to me, it's another "I'm a big girl and don't need anyone to help me!" moment.
Now, if I could only figure out how to change my own oil and not freak out every time I start up the lawn mower (it's loud and smells and theres MEGA amounts of gas right next to a spark plug, that just doesn't seem safe to me somehow) we'd be in business!
My radio mysteriously decided to just die out on me, about a week ago. Those of you who know me, know that I listen to music in the car almost every time I'm in it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my stereo. Jetta's come with a cranking stock stereo, it's truly a perk of owning this car. All I need to do is replace a blown out speaker in the rear drivers side door and it will sound great! Good as new at it's increasing age (the baby Jetta will officially be 5 years old in about 7 months) creeps up on me, I can't ask for more.
So this has been a bit traumatic for me. Anxiety, my daily routine has been all jacked up and I mostly feel like I might go crazy if I have to sit in total silence to and from work each day for another straight work week. It also caused me all this silly worry about how I would get it fixed and not at all wanting to take it to a service station (cuz where I live, if you have breasts, they tend to rip you off and talk to you like you are a five year old, but I digress) and deal with all that hassle over something I suspected couldn't be THAT hard right?
Well, lucky for me in this case, I was right. I did a little research on the interwebs and after reading about 6 articles on the subject, I found out that this is just a weird quark VW Jetta's have (particularly my year) and what to do to fix it. I popped open that dreaded fuse box, cast the magic spell described in these articles (which consists of removing the fuse that powers the radio and another fuse, waiting 10 seconds and plugging them both in at the same time, something about resetting something or other blah blah whatever) and voila......my stereo is back in action! YAYYYYYYY STEREO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FRUIT!
Tonight, it will be YAYYYYYYY BEER as I am proud of myself over this little victory.
This might seem silly to some of you. Particularly because I am capable of doing things like changing out hardware in my computer, hanging dry cement screws (another YAY Me moment, cuz it' kind of a pain in the ass, I can tell you!) and have even managed to learn some things about minor plumbing repair. Go freaking figure!
But to me, it's another "I'm a big girl and don't need anyone to help me!" moment.
Now, if I could only figure out how to change my own oil and not freak out every time I start up the lawn mower (it's loud and smells and theres MEGA amounts of gas right next to a spark plug, that just doesn't seem safe to me somehow) we'd be in business!
Floating through a Friday.....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm
and my results in case you are dying to know what colors say about me....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/color.php?c0=2&c1=4&c2=3&c3=1&c4=5&c5=7&c6=0&c7=6
:)
and my results in case you are dying to know what colors say about me....
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/color.php?c0=2&c1=4&c2=3&c3=1&c4=5&c5=7&c6=0&c7=6
:)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
We All Scream For Ice Cream!
Each month, my office has cake to celebrate the birthdays of our employee's who have birthdays that month. The type of cake varies from month to month, sometimes it's just plain chocolate or maybe carrot cake (yum) and sometimes it's the raspberry white cake which I like because I *heart* berries. Either way, no one in my office is shy about helping themselves and it always disappears in less than an hour.
However, in the warmer months of spring and summer we know there is a treat coming. We have all been conditioned to become these neurotic deranged little sugar fiends because we know it's going to be the season of "Ice Cream" cake soon. Buyaaaaah buddy! Today was our first official ice cream cake of the season and after one small piece, I already feel like a 5 year old who just downed a 6 pack of Mountain Dew in 3.5 seconds flat. Sugar is indeed a powerful, mood altering drug, no wonder people get addicted to it. It's cheap, legal and easily accessible. I have been significantly reducing my sugar intake and from this small piece of (freaking DELICIOUS) ice cream cake, I am bouncing off the damn walls and feel a huge burst of energy. Which, will inevitably be followed by the sugar crash of 2008 and I'll be dragging ass later after work when I've got a million and one things to do. And what would the solution be to that crash? MORE SUGAR! That's right, but I won't. I'll be good. I'll drink a lot of water and eat my veggies before I go and hopefully that will balance me out for the afternoon.
Let's see....what's new in the land of Sarah & Honey. Well, I got a new cell phone b/c my other one got water logged (oops) and pretty much fried the battery. By the grace of the universe, I had LITERALLY just come up for my 2 year offer (Verizon offers you significant discounts on a new phone every 2 years if you sign up w/ them again, which works out well for moi as I like their service) on 04/12/2008. HA, gotta love it. I graciously thanked the powers that be for keeping an eye on little me since I'm broke (always) and a new phone could've been painful right now. I still had to pay, only $40. Not bad.
Max is playing Goalie for his soccer team now full time. I'm so proud of him. He's taking it pretty seriously. I wish he'd take school as seriously. He'll be lucky to pass his Freshmen year with a 2.0 GPA. I suppose in time he'll figure it out.
We are getting excited about our trip to WA in the summer. Still unsure of how the Frontier bankruptcy may or may not affect our travel plans, I'm keeping a close on eye on it but as far as I can tell, they are honoring tickets at least through the end of this year. Now that Crystal is home from Egypt, we can start nailing down the details so I can do the same with GramE & Grandpa, my cousins Kai & Kenari and my ever wonderful Aunty MB. Less than 2 months people! WOOT WOOT!
My mood has been off lately. I always forget that I experience something like seasonal depression until it actually happens and I'm in the midst of it. It's far less worse in the spring, the fall is when it's really noticeable. Still, I try to understand how my body can chemically react to such a beautiful experience as spring. Spring is literally the ultimate rebirth, it is absolutely my favorite time of the year. The breezes wafting through my bedroom at night, the smells in the early morning, flowbers blooming and the world SHOULD seem a little brighter because it IS a little brighter. But for whatever reason, I always have to go through the initial funk before I can actually enjoy it all. I keep thinking, some day all these hormones won't affect me as much. Some day, I won't be so easily affected by my bodies chemistry and it's seemingly insatiable desire to complicate everything when NOTHING is really that complicated. I try to be thankful that it's not worse, because I know it certainly could be.
And on that note, I'll sign off as I'm going to wrap up my work day, go home and plant the rest of my flowers. Clean up a bit and get ready for a bbq at Kim & Nick's for the evening! I can't wait;)
Xo all
S
However, in the warmer months of spring and summer we know there is a treat coming. We have all been conditioned to become these neurotic deranged little sugar fiends because we know it's going to be the season of "Ice Cream" cake soon. Buyaaaaah buddy! Today was our first official ice cream cake of the season and after one small piece, I already feel like a 5 year old who just downed a 6 pack of Mountain Dew in 3.5 seconds flat. Sugar is indeed a powerful, mood altering drug, no wonder people get addicted to it. It's cheap, legal and easily accessible. I have been significantly reducing my sugar intake and from this small piece of (freaking DELICIOUS) ice cream cake, I am bouncing off the damn walls and feel a huge burst of energy. Which, will inevitably be followed by the sugar crash of 2008 and I'll be dragging ass later after work when I've got a million and one things to do. And what would the solution be to that crash? MORE SUGAR! That's right, but I won't. I'll be good. I'll drink a lot of water and eat my veggies before I go and hopefully that will balance me out for the afternoon.
Let's see....what's new in the land of Sarah & Honey. Well, I got a new cell phone b/c my other one got water logged (oops) and pretty much fried the battery. By the grace of the universe, I had LITERALLY just come up for my 2 year offer (Verizon offers you significant discounts on a new phone every 2 years if you sign up w/ them again, which works out well for moi as I like their service) on 04/12/2008. HA, gotta love it. I graciously thanked the powers that be for keeping an eye on little me since I'm broke (always) and a new phone could've been painful right now. I still had to pay, only $40. Not bad.
Max is playing Goalie for his soccer team now full time. I'm so proud of him. He's taking it pretty seriously. I wish he'd take school as seriously. He'll be lucky to pass his Freshmen year with a 2.0 GPA. I suppose in time he'll figure it out.
We are getting excited about our trip to WA in the summer. Still unsure of how the Frontier bankruptcy may or may not affect our travel plans, I'm keeping a close on eye on it but as far as I can tell, they are honoring tickets at least through the end of this year. Now that Crystal is home from Egypt, we can start nailing down the details so I can do the same with GramE & Grandpa, my cousins Kai & Kenari and my ever wonderful Aunty MB. Less than 2 months people! WOOT WOOT!
My mood has been off lately. I always forget that I experience something like seasonal depression until it actually happens and I'm in the midst of it. It's far less worse in the spring, the fall is when it's really noticeable. Still, I try to understand how my body can chemically react to such a beautiful experience as spring. Spring is literally the ultimate rebirth, it is absolutely my favorite time of the year. The breezes wafting through my bedroom at night, the smells in the early morning, flowbers blooming and the world SHOULD seem a little brighter because it IS a little brighter. But for whatever reason, I always have to go through the initial funk before I can actually enjoy it all. I keep thinking, some day all these hormones won't affect me as much. Some day, I won't be so easily affected by my bodies chemistry and it's seemingly insatiable desire to complicate everything when NOTHING is really that complicated. I try to be thankful that it's not worse, because I know it certainly could be.
And on that note, I'll sign off as I'm going to wrap up my work day, go home and plant the rest of my flowers. Clean up a bit and get ready for a bbq at Kim & Nick's for the evening! I can't wait;)
Xo all
S
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Better Day
It's a better day.
I took a walk, wrapped my head around further steps for chasing my bliss and realized some painful, but necessary, choices I must make in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be that happily content girl I long to see in the mirror. Perhaps I am just naturally tortured and angsty, perhaps I have not yet dealt with that which makes my heart ache so and she is under neath it all? Maybe I am just destined to repeat and repeat until I get a clue, because that seems to be the only way that I learn.
I sometimes envision a giant baby animated blue Buddha, watching me from afar. His little cherub face smiling and sort of "tsking" me. "Silly girl! Why must you persistently fight this when you already know the way?" Though, I'm sure he'd have something much wiser and more profound to say and I highly doubt he'd shaking his finger at me, but it makes me giggle.
I've been thinking long and hard about love. About how I want to love this life and myself and give to the world. I am perpetually confused by how easy it is to become so distracted and lost, and yet so enraptured and bound to the very concepts I wish to live by each day.
Sometimes it's too much to think about and still function. It wouldn't be hard to get lost in this place of constant wonderment, searching and learning. Except....life likes to slap me in the face though so I don't stray far into the clouds.
We watched "Juno" this weekend which made me cry and laugh equally hard. It's a sweet movie, it's a love story actually more than anything. I can tell you that it was an excellent movie to watch with my 15 year old. It prompted a plethora of questions from Max about getting pregnant and what it's like to be pregnant, which I was grateful for. He's ASKING the good questions. FINALLY, some real questions. I also wondered if it made him wonder about what things were like for me when I was pregnant with him. Abortion and adoption are both openly discussed in this movie and I wonder what he thought of that. If he can even put it all together, how complicated it all can be and the position I was in when I became unexpedtly pregnant. Hopefully, he'll know that he's here, with me and that's all that matters. Not the meandering mind of a 15 year old pregnant girl.
This week promises to be a repeat of these past few. Spring is a time of change, which my temperament naturally resists but my mind embraces. It is beautiful outside, so much to do before the summer gets here!
I took a walk, wrapped my head around further steps for chasing my bliss and realized some painful, but necessary, choices I must make in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be that happily content girl I long to see in the mirror. Perhaps I am just naturally tortured and angsty, perhaps I have not yet dealt with that which makes my heart ache so and she is under neath it all? Maybe I am just destined to repeat and repeat until I get a clue, because that seems to be the only way that I learn.
I sometimes envision a giant baby animated blue Buddha, watching me from afar. His little cherub face smiling and sort of "tsking" me. "Silly girl! Why must you persistently fight this when you already know the way?" Though, I'm sure he'd have something much wiser and more profound to say and I highly doubt he'd shaking his finger at me, but it makes me giggle.
I've been thinking long and hard about love. About how I want to love this life and myself and give to the world. I am perpetually confused by how easy it is to become so distracted and lost, and yet so enraptured and bound to the very concepts I wish to live by each day.
Sometimes it's too much to think about and still function. It wouldn't be hard to get lost in this place of constant wonderment, searching and learning. Except....life likes to slap me in the face though so I don't stray far into the clouds.
We watched "Juno" this weekend which made me cry and laugh equally hard. It's a sweet movie, it's a love story actually more than anything. I can tell you that it was an excellent movie to watch with my 15 year old. It prompted a plethora of questions from Max about getting pregnant and what it's like to be pregnant, which I was grateful for. He's ASKING the good questions. FINALLY, some real questions. I also wondered if it made him wonder about what things were like for me when I was pregnant with him. Abortion and adoption are both openly discussed in this movie and I wonder what he thought of that. If he can even put it all together, how complicated it all can be and the position I was in when I became unexpedtly pregnant. Hopefully, he'll know that he's here, with me and that's all that matters. Not the meandering mind of a 15 year old pregnant girl.
This week promises to be a repeat of these past few. Spring is a time of change, which my temperament naturally resists but my mind embraces. It is beautiful outside, so much to do before the summer gets here!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Crabby Butt
I'm in a foul mood today, I had all these big plans around the house and just ended up renting some movies and bought some Light Brie and stawberries and am setting up shop for a quiet day at home.
Max is pissy with me as he threw attitude at me and this isn't the best day for him to throw his hormones around and I kind of just let him have it. He's allowed to be Mr. Grumpy Pants and walk around the house morosely, but surely Momma Bear is not.
I'm a little peeved with someone right now and I have no idea how to approach the subject, but I've felt something brewing for some time now and I need to talk with this particular party and try to be heard, otherwise I predict conflict. Sadly, I know this person has NO idea how I am feeling and I'm not even sure would care all that much. It's hard to say, I don't really feel I know them any more.
I am just grumpy I guess. It's not based on any one thing other than that I'm probably a little tired and feel dissappiontment, but in order to feel dissapointment one must have expectations of others and having expectations is often dangerous.
Sigh.
On a sweeter note, my day lilly's are coming up like gangbusters. I have more flowbers to plant, but have yet to get motivated to do so. I had planned on that this morning, woke up bright and early on a Sunday and everything to get to it and realized in the shower that I'm far more sunburned then I'd realized from Max's soccer game yesterday. In fact, all exposed skin from those 4 hours in the sun are a deep to deeper shade of red depending on the location (forhead, upper arms and shoulders are toasted) and I feel like a giant dumbass for forgetting sunscreen. HELLO! It's Colorado and this is Ms. White As A Ghost Sarah, DURGGGGH!
Maybe that's why I'm so grumpy? Do I really need a reason? Aren't I just allowed sometimes to be feel this way and that can be ok, right? I don't HAVE to be happy happy joy joy all the time. Definately not today. I feel bad for Max, he'll probably stear clear of me all day:)
Max is pissy with me as he threw attitude at me and this isn't the best day for him to throw his hormones around and I kind of just let him have it. He's allowed to be Mr. Grumpy Pants and walk around the house morosely, but surely Momma Bear is not.
I'm a little peeved with someone right now and I have no idea how to approach the subject, but I've felt something brewing for some time now and I need to talk with this particular party and try to be heard, otherwise I predict conflict. Sadly, I know this person has NO idea how I am feeling and I'm not even sure would care all that much. It's hard to say, I don't really feel I know them any more.
I am just grumpy I guess. It's not based on any one thing other than that I'm probably a little tired and feel dissappiontment, but in order to feel dissapointment one must have expectations of others and having expectations is often dangerous.
Sigh.
On a sweeter note, my day lilly's are coming up like gangbusters. I have more flowbers to plant, but have yet to get motivated to do so. I had planned on that this morning, woke up bright and early on a Sunday and everything to get to it and realized in the shower that I'm far more sunburned then I'd realized from Max's soccer game yesterday. In fact, all exposed skin from those 4 hours in the sun are a deep to deeper shade of red depending on the location (forhead, upper arms and shoulders are toasted) and I feel like a giant dumbass for forgetting sunscreen. HELLO! It's Colorado and this is Ms. White As A Ghost Sarah, DURGGGGH!
Maybe that's why I'm so grumpy? Do I really need a reason? Aren't I just allowed sometimes to be feel this way and that can be ok, right? I don't HAVE to be happy happy joy joy all the time. Definately not today. I feel bad for Max, he'll probably stear clear of me all day:)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Quicker Than A Ray Of Light!
I like to pretend this song was written just for me:)
Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one
Happy Friday To You My Lovlies!
Love to you all
Xo,
S
PS: in 4 months people! Let's get ready to rummmmmbbbbbbble!
http://www.denverconvention2008.com/
Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one
Happy Friday To You My Lovlies!
Love to you all
Xo,
S
PS: in 4 months people! Let's get ready to rummmmmbbbbbbble!
http://www.denverconvention2008.com/
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I Miss That Girl, But Don't Really Know Who She Is
There was a time in my life, pretty much during the entirety of my twenties when I took a great deal of pride in how I looked. I do not believe it was out of vanity, I believe it was that then I enjoyed it. My nails were always polished. My entire body was smooth, soft and smelled yummy. I'd spend hours getting ready to go out and surely a far cry more than my 15 minutes in the morning now to get ready for work. I wore cute clothes and shopped thrift stores relentless to find things that fit my style and were affordable for a working, single mom. I worked out 5 - 6 days a week and ate pretty much perfectly at least that many days a week. I was down to a size 9/10 jeans and wore a size 8 dress. I was still chunky, but a healthy chunky for me. My tummy was pretty flat, my legs were long and firm and I remember looking forward to summer so I could wear shorts and skirts rather than fearing it like the plague. I loved shoes, chunky shoes and heels and my favorites were boots. Boots of all kinds. Long sleek black leather knee highs. Hiking boots. Ankle high boots. I look back at the girl I was then I think of how much I miss her. Unfortunately, I of course did not appreciate her back then. I was always striving to loose another 5 lbs or get the perfect arch in my eyebrow. I was never satisfied then with her and now I'd cry a million tears to be her again. Sort of.
The bottom line has become that I am a changed women. My mind, spirit and body have suffered tremendous travesties in these past years. On some levels, my self esteem is so far gone down the toilet that I've lost any and all interest in taking the time to or make the effort to even feel pretty again, let alone look it. Much of it is my weight. Some of it is that I simply don't want the attention. Let me just say that during those years as a long legged pixie cherub, the majority of attention I received was unwanted and unsolicited. I never realized it then, but I was a pretty sexual being. Most of it truly was unintentional, but my body is naturally buxom and when you are built like that and have long blonde hair to boot....you get attention. I didn't like it a lot of the time and then when I did start to like it, I sought it from sources that were not healthy for me. Men who would spill lies from their mouths and were just self destructive enough at the for me to fall for them. Women who would insult me and talk about me behind my back and I would let them, because I didn't really think I was worth much more either.
But the attention piece isn't all of it, I am just plain fat and out of shape and I'm so tired of it. Maybe I wouldn't want to be the 24 year old vixen again and have all of her insecurities and experiences to go through again. But I wouldn't mind being closer to a size 10 again, hell a good solid size 12 would make me happy at this point. I wouldn't mind feeling pretty and sexy again and young! I'm aging myself every day it feels like just being in this body. This isn't my body, this isn't my ass and this belly is definitely not my belly. It's some strangers who took me over for a while and let herself throw caution to the wind in every way and it didn't work out so now it's time to find that girl again with some will power, a sense of self, and how she loved to work out and eat salad every day. I know that now I'd know how to manage any weird attention I might get because I have grown significantly from those days when I let people treat me like shit because I didn't know I deserved any better. Sure, now I might dress a little different (I still love boots though, I just love them...actually my shoe style will always remain funky on some level, I love blue toe nail polish and chunky sandals, what can I say?) or wear my hair differently. I may adopt a more sophisticated 30 something look rather than a 20 something club hopping party girl. And most definitely I wouldn't want to be 20 something again, go through all that heartache and pain again? HELLO NO! I've already been there and done that. But that's not really what this is about, I don't need to prattle on about the 1001 ways I've matured and gained knowledge from 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 years because that is readily apparent I'd say. More so, I just miss a part of someone that I once was, not all of her, just a part. I miss caring about how I look, I miss feeling desirable and interesting and pretty and fun. I miss thinking of myself as "fairly fit." I miss blue toe nail polish and working out for hours and feeling the lean ness of my body during upward and down ward dog during a good yoga session. I've never been able to jog (bad for the kidneys) but I once could hike for 3 or more hours at a time. In Colorado, this is no small feat. I would kick box 3 times a week, walk at least 1 - 2 miles per day and do yoga the other 2 - 3 days a week. I did sit ups and girly push ups and lots and lots of leg/butt/hip toning. My ankles didn't ache. My knees weren't sore from being so heavy. My belly didn't protrude like some alien growing from within it. I once wore cute skirts and teeny little tank tops in the summer and jeans and sweaters in the winter. I spent 2 years devoutly learning and reading the teachings of Taoism and Buddhism. I meditated, I strived for my spirituality. I couldn't wait to get another tattoo on my body somewhere because I enjoyed the process and my body in it. Sure, during this time I agonized and ached and spent many moons in total angst over love and memories from my childhood and trying to understand the world and how I fit into it. I cried and thought I might die some days from the confusion and pain of what I saw around me. I saw horrible things happen to good people, I lost jobs and money and made it all back and lost it again. I was sick and well and sick again. I still go through all of these things regularly, but with age and time and experience these things all appear differently to me. I experience them differently. Yes, I still ache and when I think of how I literally thought I might not make it through another day last summer...sigh. I've felt pain I didn't even know could exist and am certainly wiser in some senses obviously. But I am a colder woman, I feel it. A little darker, more cynical, less innocent. Surely I wasn't an innocent then, perhaps that's the wrong word. Maybe idealistic is a better choice. Naive? Ignorance is bliss no? I loved freely, gave of myself openly and certainly never thought of the people around me as cruel or heartless or manipulative. As I've said repeatedly before, some died in me. Something important, something I miss. And as I type this I realize that my external body, my external self won't reflect any kind of inner peace or harmony or balance until it is actually achieved. Which is a life long journey for all of us, I believe. I certainly wasn't these things when I was a size 10, but I surely faked it well didn't I? I don't want to fake it any more. I want to feel true freedom and joy in my spirit. I do more and more every day. I feel more alive and brighter, I find solace and peace is small things each day. Birds in the park when I walk, an afternoon with a good friend. My home feels more like my home every day and my family feels closer with each bump and trip and fall. Certainly I've begun the process of eviction of that which is not healthy for me or my family.
The real question I have I think is more....how do I find myself again? I do I become this new version of myself? A Sarah TODAY that is interesting and grounded and pretty and loving and open and giving? A Sarah today that is living life happily and not abusing her body or her psyche? I don't even know where to start some days...though I'm certain it has something to do with sparkly blue toe nail polish.
The bottom line has become that I am a changed women. My mind, spirit and body have suffered tremendous travesties in these past years. On some levels, my self esteem is so far gone down the toilet that I've lost any and all interest in taking the time to or make the effort to even feel pretty again, let alone look it. Much of it is my weight. Some of it is that I simply don't want the attention. Let me just say that during those years as a long legged pixie cherub, the majority of attention I received was unwanted and unsolicited. I never realized it then, but I was a pretty sexual being. Most of it truly was unintentional, but my body is naturally buxom and when you are built like that and have long blonde hair to boot....you get attention. I didn't like it a lot of the time and then when I did start to like it, I sought it from sources that were not healthy for me. Men who would spill lies from their mouths and were just self destructive enough at the for me to fall for them. Women who would insult me and talk about me behind my back and I would let them, because I didn't really think I was worth much more either.
But the attention piece isn't all of it, I am just plain fat and out of shape and I'm so tired of it. Maybe I wouldn't want to be the 24 year old vixen again and have all of her insecurities and experiences to go through again. But I wouldn't mind being closer to a size 10 again, hell a good solid size 12 would make me happy at this point. I wouldn't mind feeling pretty and sexy again and young! I'm aging myself every day it feels like just being in this body. This isn't my body, this isn't my ass and this belly is definitely not my belly. It's some strangers who took me over for a while and let herself throw caution to the wind in every way and it didn't work out so now it's time to find that girl again with some will power, a sense of self, and how she loved to work out and eat salad every day. I know that now I'd know how to manage any weird attention I might get because I have grown significantly from those days when I let people treat me like shit because I didn't know I deserved any better. Sure, now I might dress a little different (I still love boots though, I just love them...actually my shoe style will always remain funky on some level, I love blue toe nail polish and chunky sandals, what can I say?) or wear my hair differently. I may adopt a more sophisticated 30 something look rather than a 20 something club hopping party girl. And most definitely I wouldn't want to be 20 something again, go through all that heartache and pain again? HELLO NO! I've already been there and done that. But that's not really what this is about, I don't need to prattle on about the 1001 ways I've matured and gained knowledge from 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 years because that is readily apparent I'd say. More so, I just miss a part of someone that I once was, not all of her, just a part. I miss caring about how I look, I miss feeling desirable and interesting and pretty and fun. I miss thinking of myself as "fairly fit." I miss blue toe nail polish and working out for hours and feeling the lean ness of my body during upward and down ward dog during a good yoga session. I've never been able to jog (bad for the kidneys) but I once could hike for 3 or more hours at a time. In Colorado, this is no small feat. I would kick box 3 times a week, walk at least 1 - 2 miles per day and do yoga the other 2 - 3 days a week. I did sit ups and girly push ups and lots and lots of leg/butt/hip toning. My ankles didn't ache. My knees weren't sore from being so heavy. My belly didn't protrude like some alien growing from within it. I once wore cute skirts and teeny little tank tops in the summer and jeans and sweaters in the winter. I spent 2 years devoutly learning and reading the teachings of Taoism and Buddhism. I meditated, I strived for my spirituality. I couldn't wait to get another tattoo on my body somewhere because I enjoyed the process and my body in it. Sure, during this time I agonized and ached and spent many moons in total angst over love and memories from my childhood and trying to understand the world and how I fit into it. I cried and thought I might die some days from the confusion and pain of what I saw around me. I saw horrible things happen to good people, I lost jobs and money and made it all back and lost it again. I was sick and well and sick again. I still go through all of these things regularly, but with age and time and experience these things all appear differently to me. I experience them differently. Yes, I still ache and when I think of how I literally thought I might not make it through another day last summer...sigh. I've felt pain I didn't even know could exist and am certainly wiser in some senses obviously. But I am a colder woman, I feel it. A little darker, more cynical, less innocent. Surely I wasn't an innocent then, perhaps that's the wrong word. Maybe idealistic is a better choice. Naive? Ignorance is bliss no? I loved freely, gave of myself openly and certainly never thought of the people around me as cruel or heartless or manipulative. As I've said repeatedly before, some died in me. Something important, something I miss. And as I type this I realize that my external body, my external self won't reflect any kind of inner peace or harmony or balance until it is actually achieved. Which is a life long journey for all of us, I believe. I certainly wasn't these things when I was a size 10, but I surely faked it well didn't I? I don't want to fake it any more. I want to feel true freedom and joy in my spirit. I do more and more every day. I feel more alive and brighter, I find solace and peace is small things each day. Birds in the park when I walk, an afternoon with a good friend. My home feels more like my home every day and my family feels closer with each bump and trip and fall. Certainly I've begun the process of eviction of that which is not healthy for me or my family.
The real question I have I think is more....how do I find myself again? I do I become this new version of myself? A Sarah TODAY that is interesting and grounded and pretty and loving and open and giving? A Sarah today that is living life happily and not abusing her body or her psyche? I don't even know where to start some days...though I'm certain it has something to do with sparkly blue toe nail polish.
Monday, April 14, 2008
BLECH
I got food posioning last night, will blogg more soon.
On another fun note, my Day Lillies are HAPPY HAPPY
Xo til next time
S
On another fun note, my Day Lillies are HAPPY HAPPY
Xo til next time
S
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
RANT RANT RANT!
These past two weeks, I am basically at my wits end with Max. I am so frustated with him today and yesterday and the day before. This time it's a school issue, grades. How hard is it to pull a C? To turn in a 100 point homework assignment. I've SEEN his homework assignments, it's not like this is brain surgery for freshmens. We all know Max is capable, we all know he can do the work. Yet, none of this is reflected by his actions in school. Seriously. Arghhhhhh!!!!!
All the excuses and attitude and BS I get from him about school has just about pushed me over the edge. I don't know what else to do short of literally going to class with him and showing him how to take notes and listen, forcing this kid to pay attention and holding his hand through the day. If nothing else, it might totally humiliate him which I don't wish to do but nothing I do or his teachers do or anyone else does seems to have any impression on him.
These are the days when I feel hopelessly anxious about his future and depressed about my ability to parent this kid properly. There comes a time when love and doing your best simply isn't enough and lately, I've been feeling totally helpless when it comes to him. I don't know how to motivate him, half the time my attempts to communicate with him about school are basically futile b/c he knows EVERYTHING and I'm just the stupid mom and some days I just get sick of dealing with it!
I feel like I'm failing him and he's going to have to learn everything the hard way. It's the last thing I've wanted for him. As it stands, I am concerned about him actually finish high school. This year has been beyond hard. It's been like a loosing battle with him on all things school related, except soccer of course. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth with him to even have a basic conversation about school because he thinks it's none of my business. He actually tells me that!
I really miss the Max that he was not that long ago. He's officially turned into one of THEM and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little overwhelmed by all of it. I love this kid so much and I feel like things are just going to hell in a handbasked, FAST. I don't know what to do.
One thing I know I have to do is rant about it on my own time so I can be calm with him. That's a good start.
All the excuses and attitude and BS I get from him about school has just about pushed me over the edge. I don't know what else to do short of literally going to class with him and showing him how to take notes and listen, forcing this kid to pay attention and holding his hand through the day. If nothing else, it might totally humiliate him which I don't wish to do but nothing I do or his teachers do or anyone else does seems to have any impression on him.
These are the days when I feel hopelessly anxious about his future and depressed about my ability to parent this kid properly. There comes a time when love and doing your best simply isn't enough and lately, I've been feeling totally helpless when it comes to him. I don't know how to motivate him, half the time my attempts to communicate with him about school are basically futile b/c he knows EVERYTHING and I'm just the stupid mom and some days I just get sick of dealing with it!
I feel like I'm failing him and he's going to have to learn everything the hard way. It's the last thing I've wanted for him. As it stands, I am concerned about him actually finish high school. This year has been beyond hard. It's been like a loosing battle with him on all things school related, except soccer of course. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth with him to even have a basic conversation about school because he thinks it's none of my business. He actually tells me that!
I really miss the Max that he was not that long ago. He's officially turned into one of THEM and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little overwhelmed by all of it. I love this kid so much and I feel like things are just going to hell in a handbasked, FAST. I don't know what to do.
One thing I know I have to do is rant about it on my own time so I can be calm with him. That's a good start.
Monday, April 07, 2008
ohhhhhh, durh!
The current atmosphere in my home is ripe with "Why do you need to know where I am EVERY second of the day" and "You don't get to decide who I hang out with!" or "Why does there always need to be a parent around if I am at someone's house?" etc....etc... and of course the classic "You just don't understand me!"
oh jeez. It finally happened. For real this time. Something internally tickles me that perhaps this is just the beginning of another phase with Max. sigh. It's always interesting and challenging, I'll give him that.
As it turns out there is a girl in the picture and from the sounds of the voicemails, emails and text messages....they are deeply and madly in love. I'm talking that insane kind of love that only hormones and 15 year old bodies can produce. yuck. I feel bad for the kid, he's not going to know what hit him.
This explains a lot actually. The obvious need to pull away from me. The insistence on total privacy. The snotty behavior and acting like I'm a total embarrassment to his very existence.
Yessss, it's allll making a lot more sense. DUH Mom, jeez.
However, I do have the unfortunate duty of informing him this evening that his phone will be confiscated after the hours of 8 PM until 6 AM Sunday - Fridays. You see, these days kids who are madly in love and think they can outsmart their parents stay up until 3 AM on a school night texting their hormone fueled confessions of love and angst about their sucky parents to one another. It's all so romantic isn't it? Swoon. Yeah, well not so romantic that Mom doesn't get to come in with a hard core does of reality.
Because you see dear Max, you can't just take a nap during math class to catch up on the sleep you lost while telling your girlfriend how much you adore her and think she's really hot. Of course, really, who needs math anyway? You certainly won't because you'll be digging ditches at this rate. Yet, as I am someone who ALSO adores you a great deal, I will take the lead and do the motherly thing and ground your ass from your phone at night so the natural repercussions of your actions will be made clear.
You can argue that I am annoying and controlling and difficult to communicate with. You can throw a tantrum and stomp around and try to punish me by not speaking to me. You can claim invasion of privacy, that I simply don't want you to have a social life and that because I don't have a love interest, I have NO possible way of relating to what you are going through.
I know, I know. It's all really unfair. You are right about that. Except, I'm your mom and while I do respect your right to privacy as much as possible if you think I'm not going to find out about what your up to at 3 AM on a Sunday night, you are sadly mistaken. You see, while you kids these days have all the benefits of technological advances that no generation before you has had, you must also understand that these communication advantages you have leave a trail. And your sucky mom (and this is the really unfortunate part for you my dear boy) has a fairly high working knowledge of such things as texts and emails and MySpace pages. I know, it's shocking AND as you've mentioned previous times annoying. I hear ya, I seem to remember thinking all adults were extremely irritating as well there for a while. Sorry though kiddo, the bummer thing about life in general is that if you blow it one too many times, you often don't get second changes. And then don't get to have things like text messages with your girlfriend whenever you feel like it and the freedom to spend the night with friends. I will always respect you, I love you and care about you. But because I'm your mom, I have to be the one to draw the line. I really have no choice and I'm sure you'll do your best to punish me and be nasty for the next few days, but now that I know there is a girl in the picture, it all makes alot more sense. It really doesn't need to be this hard, I'm not asking you to give me the full details of your dates (ew) or content of your phone conversations. Flirt away my dear boy, have fun! But you do have to stay awake during math class and you really don't need to be on the phone at 3 AM bragging to Kayley about how you don't' have to listen to your mom and you can do whatever you like.
Oh and lying to me. That's another no no that will get your freedom pass revoked. You are clearly old enough to begin dating, you are also old enough to be doing this with your friends without supervision to some extent. Except, when you lie to me about where you are and who you are with.....how do you expect me NOT to be all up in your business? Mmmmm, silly boy. If you think I won't find out...I'm sad to inform you that I usually will. Another really unfortunate thing for you Max is that I am wise to what your up to. Not all of it, but definitely a good portion of it. Because you see it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager myself and I was a wiley one in my own way. Yes, you need to explore and test and try and find out how much you can get away with. I expect a certain amount of that because it's your job right now to begin the journey of finding out who you are without me. That's cool and I totally support it. But again, if you blow it really bad.....well I have to be the mom then and I know you don't always like that, but tough tookies kid. One thing I learned for some from previous experience is that people who love you actually do put down boundaries, they say No and let you know that your behavior isn't cool. if I didn't care....you'd be out doing whatever you like at hours of the night with whomever you want. I know you know kids like this and it all sounds pretty appealing right now, but again....I care about what happens to you, a lot. I care that you don't think school is as important as "hooking up" with your girlfriend and I care that you think that you can blow of your school work like this and still play soccer. I care about your body and that your not getting enough sleep, which was apparent by the fact that getting you out of bed this morning was at least 10 x harder then normal and you were late for school even with me cracking the whip to get your butt moving. And I care when your snippy and nasty too me because guess what, not only is not cool to be mean to your mom, I know you don't know this right now....but I'm setting the precedence for how you'll treat women the rest of your life right now and mostly, you are fantastic......but this crap of lying and sneaking around and being disrespectful and nasty, it ain't gonna fly with me and I'd be appalled if you grew up to treat the women in your life the same way.
But above and beyond all this Maxter, I love ya and I think life doesn't have to be this hard. But it's mostly up to you and all I can do is keep letting you know that your loved and at the same time, I have to allow the natural repercussions of your actions to occurr as well. Negative or positive. For which you may blame me and take it out on me because you are pissed off that your not getting what you want, but that's ok, you'll get over that too.
Hang in there, you will make it through the next week with no texting at 3 am. I promise!
oh jeez. It finally happened. For real this time. Something internally tickles me that perhaps this is just the beginning of another phase with Max. sigh. It's always interesting and challenging, I'll give him that.
As it turns out there is a girl in the picture and from the sounds of the voicemails, emails and text messages....they are deeply and madly in love. I'm talking that insane kind of love that only hormones and 15 year old bodies can produce. yuck. I feel bad for the kid, he's not going to know what hit him.
This explains a lot actually. The obvious need to pull away from me. The insistence on total privacy. The snotty behavior and acting like I'm a total embarrassment to his very existence.
Yessss, it's allll making a lot more sense. DUH Mom, jeez.
However, I do have the unfortunate duty of informing him this evening that his phone will be confiscated after the hours of 8 PM until 6 AM Sunday - Fridays. You see, these days kids who are madly in love and think they can outsmart their parents stay up until 3 AM on a school night texting their hormone fueled confessions of love and angst about their sucky parents to one another. It's all so romantic isn't it? Swoon. Yeah, well not so romantic that Mom doesn't get to come in with a hard core does of reality.
Because you see dear Max, you can't just take a nap during math class to catch up on the sleep you lost while telling your girlfriend how much you adore her and think she's really hot. Of course, really, who needs math anyway? You certainly won't because you'll be digging ditches at this rate. Yet, as I am someone who ALSO adores you a great deal, I will take the lead and do the motherly thing and ground your ass from your phone at night so the natural repercussions of your actions will be made clear.
You can argue that I am annoying and controlling and difficult to communicate with. You can throw a tantrum and stomp around and try to punish me by not speaking to me. You can claim invasion of privacy, that I simply don't want you to have a social life and that because I don't have a love interest, I have NO possible way of relating to what you are going through.
I know, I know. It's all really unfair. You are right about that. Except, I'm your mom and while I do respect your right to privacy as much as possible if you think I'm not going to find out about what your up to at 3 AM on a Sunday night, you are sadly mistaken. You see, while you kids these days have all the benefits of technological advances that no generation before you has had, you must also understand that these communication advantages you have leave a trail. And your sucky mom (and this is the really unfortunate part for you my dear boy) has a fairly high working knowledge of such things as texts and emails and MySpace pages. I know, it's shocking AND as you've mentioned previous times annoying. I hear ya, I seem to remember thinking all adults were extremely irritating as well there for a while. Sorry though kiddo, the bummer thing about life in general is that if you blow it one too many times, you often don't get second changes. And then don't get to have things like text messages with your girlfriend whenever you feel like it and the freedom to spend the night with friends. I will always respect you, I love you and care about you. But because I'm your mom, I have to be the one to draw the line. I really have no choice and I'm sure you'll do your best to punish me and be nasty for the next few days, but now that I know there is a girl in the picture, it all makes alot more sense. It really doesn't need to be this hard, I'm not asking you to give me the full details of your dates (ew) or content of your phone conversations. Flirt away my dear boy, have fun! But you do have to stay awake during math class and you really don't need to be on the phone at 3 AM bragging to Kayley about how you don't' have to listen to your mom and you can do whatever you like.
Oh and lying to me. That's another no no that will get your freedom pass revoked. You are clearly old enough to begin dating, you are also old enough to be doing this with your friends without supervision to some extent. Except, when you lie to me about where you are and who you are with.....how do you expect me NOT to be all up in your business? Mmmmm, silly boy. If you think I won't find out...I'm sad to inform you that I usually will. Another really unfortunate thing for you Max is that I am wise to what your up to. Not all of it, but definitely a good portion of it. Because you see it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager myself and I was a wiley one in my own way. Yes, you need to explore and test and try and find out how much you can get away with. I expect a certain amount of that because it's your job right now to begin the journey of finding out who you are without me. That's cool and I totally support it. But again, if you blow it really bad.....well I have to be the mom then and I know you don't always like that, but tough tookies kid. One thing I learned for some from previous experience is that people who love you actually do put down boundaries, they say No and let you know that your behavior isn't cool. if I didn't care....you'd be out doing whatever you like at hours of the night with whomever you want. I know you know kids like this and it all sounds pretty appealing right now, but again....I care about what happens to you, a lot. I care that you don't think school is as important as "hooking up" with your girlfriend and I care that you think that you can blow of your school work like this and still play soccer. I care about your body and that your not getting enough sleep, which was apparent by the fact that getting you out of bed this morning was at least 10 x harder then normal and you were late for school even with me cracking the whip to get your butt moving. And I care when your snippy and nasty too me because guess what, not only is not cool to be mean to your mom, I know you don't know this right now....but I'm setting the precedence for how you'll treat women the rest of your life right now and mostly, you are fantastic......but this crap of lying and sneaking around and being disrespectful and nasty, it ain't gonna fly with me and I'd be appalled if you grew up to treat the women in your life the same way.
But above and beyond all this Maxter, I love ya and I think life doesn't have to be this hard. But it's mostly up to you and all I can do is keep letting you know that your loved and at the same time, I have to allow the natural repercussions of your actions to occurr as well. Negative or positive. For which you may blame me and take it out on me because you are pissed off that your not getting what you want, but that's ok, you'll get over that too.
Hang in there, you will make it through the next week with no texting at 3 am. I promise!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
It’s just been that kind of weekend……
Some days I feel like Max hates me. I heard once that your not doing it right if your teenagers don’t dislike you at least some of the time. If that’s true, it doesn’t feel very good I can tell you that.
He spent the night at a friends, I got him some new bike parts and service done on it so he could ride it around this beautiful spring weekend. He comes home from his friends this morning in a terrible mood and has been holed up in his room the entire day, basically refusing to come down and when I do talk to him he’s obviously upset about something. I’ve left him alone most of the day, we all have those days I know I have them, that’s for sure.
Finally I asked him to come down for some dinner and he begrudgingly agreed. After much probing from my end he blurts out “I JUST DON”T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!”
He must’ve been going for shock value. He got it.
I asked him if it was specifically ME that he didn’t want to be around or did something happen at his friends or what the heck was going on. He has been acting very strangely all day and I shared with him that I feel really concerned about his behavior.
“I just don’t want to be around you. Your annoying me today.”
I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. A lot. More so because of the delivery, something is obviously wrong and his being nasty isn’t going to resolve it and I’ve barely seen him so we feel disconnected. And honestly, in this moment I’m more than a little angry at him. I spend all this money getting his bike fixed for him so he could get out and ride this weekend, agree to allow him over to his friend’s for the night even though I’ve barely seen him in the last week because I’ve been working so much and Friday night he was in bed by 10 or so and out the door by 10 AM on his bike and he’s still stomping around here like some Maxenstien.
And this texting thing has already gotten out of control. He’s ridiculous with it, he’s on it every waking moment and it’s hard to keep track of who’s he talking to or what they are talking about. Not all of his business is my business, but most of it is. It’s my job to know what he’s doing, where he’s going and who he’s spending time with. Something about all this texting makes me really nervous. I may have that turned off, he just got it turned off again and it’s already a problem it seems like. In fact, he seems to think it can be a way of communicating with me rather than actually speaking to me. I’m not in that, not with my own son.
But all kids text like mad these days, I realize that. Hell, my friends and I do it pretty regularly. Maybe mom is having that moment of feeling really out of control and not sure what to do about any of it.
Besides, my feelings are really hurt right now. So I should probably just relax, go give him a kiss and hug before bed and hope the crust washes of him tomorrow morning in the shower. Some days it just feels like I can’t reach this kid and he’s doing his best to put up a wall between us because he views me as the arbitrarily controlling adult and doesn’t think he should have to listen to anything I say, even though generally always does. Sometimes with a lot of attitude, but usually he listens pretty well.
Sigh.
He spent the night at a friends, I got him some new bike parts and service done on it so he could ride it around this beautiful spring weekend. He comes home from his friends this morning in a terrible mood and has been holed up in his room the entire day, basically refusing to come down and when I do talk to him he’s obviously upset about something. I’ve left him alone most of the day, we all have those days I know I have them, that’s for sure.
Finally I asked him to come down for some dinner and he begrudgingly agreed. After much probing from my end he blurts out “I JUST DON”T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!”
He must’ve been going for shock value. He got it.
I asked him if it was specifically ME that he didn’t want to be around or did something happen at his friends or what the heck was going on. He has been acting very strangely all day and I shared with him that I feel really concerned about his behavior.
“I just don’t want to be around you. Your annoying me today.”
I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. A lot. More so because of the delivery, something is obviously wrong and his being nasty isn’t going to resolve it and I’ve barely seen him so we feel disconnected. And honestly, in this moment I’m more than a little angry at him. I spend all this money getting his bike fixed for him so he could get out and ride this weekend, agree to allow him over to his friend’s for the night even though I’ve barely seen him in the last week because I’ve been working so much and Friday night he was in bed by 10 or so and out the door by 10 AM on his bike and he’s still stomping around here like some Maxenstien.
And this texting thing has already gotten out of control. He’s ridiculous with it, he’s on it every waking moment and it’s hard to keep track of who’s he talking to or what they are talking about. Not all of his business is my business, but most of it is. It’s my job to know what he’s doing, where he’s going and who he’s spending time with. Something about all this texting makes me really nervous. I may have that turned off, he just got it turned off again and it’s already a problem it seems like. In fact, he seems to think it can be a way of communicating with me rather than actually speaking to me. I’m not in that, not with my own son.
But all kids text like mad these days, I realize that. Hell, my friends and I do it pretty regularly. Maybe mom is having that moment of feeling really out of control and not sure what to do about any of it.
Besides, my feelings are really hurt right now. So I should probably just relax, go give him a kiss and hug before bed and hope the crust washes of him tomorrow morning in the shower. Some days it just feels like I can’t reach this kid and he’s doing his best to put up a wall between us because he views me as the arbitrarily controlling adult and doesn’t think he should have to listen to anything I say, even though generally always does. Sometimes with a lot of attitude, but usually he listens pretty well.
Sigh.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I've not forgotten anyone....
I have a long letter drafted to my Aunt Marcy and GramE, am visiting Mary tomorrow for a walk and Sandy and I are going to free day at the Denver Art Museum Saturday morning. I am secretly seeing Matt under the guise of needing his help (LOL, j/k, but sometimes it's the only way anyone has time) and I've got a dinner date with Rhy & Margaret next Friday and another with Kim & Nick the following Saturday. In between all of this I am working dilligently to secure this part time job that I want really really REALLLLLLLY badly. More on that if it pans out. Work has got me turning in circles and Max's soccer season is in full swing. Taxes and FINALLY filing for bankruptcy this month. I hope, I keep thinking to myself that you know who should at least have to ante up for THAT since it's his doing in general, but I only think that way when I want to torture myself. We'll see, every time I get ready to do it something comes up. I know I need to call my Aunty MB and my cousins to firm up plans for my WA trip. I have a drs appt today to get the stupid antibotics I need to clear up this sinus/ear infection as a result of the last crud, I've been putting it off since Monday b/c I'm slammed at work. I've been sleeping like a baby lately and eating well, except I did last night discover that actual peanut butter out of the jar and dark chocolate Hershey's go togther better than any premanufactured candy. Sigh. What's a girl to do? I have a problem, what can I say :) Oh and a friend who I've not seen in a while will be in Colorado on business next week and we have dinner arrangements. That should be fun too. I wonder how he'd feel about Hershey's chocolate and peanut butter out of the jar for dinner....?
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
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