Some days I feel like Max hates me. I heard once that your not doing it right if your teenagers don’t dislike you at least some of the time. If that’s true, it doesn’t feel very good I can tell you that.
He spent the night at a friends, I got him some new bike parts and service done on it so he could ride it around this beautiful spring weekend. He comes home from his friends this morning in a terrible mood and has been holed up in his room the entire day, basically refusing to come down and when I do talk to him he’s obviously upset about something. I’ve left him alone most of the day, we all have those days I know I have them, that’s for sure.
Finally I asked him to come down for some dinner and he begrudgingly agreed. After much probing from my end he blurts out “I JUST DON”T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!”
He must’ve been going for shock value. He got it.
I asked him if it was specifically ME that he didn’t want to be around or did something happen at his friends or what the heck was going on. He has been acting very strangely all day and I shared with him that I feel really concerned about his behavior.
“I just don’t want to be around you. Your annoying me today.”
I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings. A lot. More so because of the delivery, something is obviously wrong and his being nasty isn’t going to resolve it and I’ve barely seen him so we feel disconnected. And honestly, in this moment I’m more than a little angry at him. I spend all this money getting his bike fixed for him so he could get out and ride this weekend, agree to allow him over to his friend’s for the night even though I’ve barely seen him in the last week because I’ve been working so much and Friday night he was in bed by 10 or so and out the door by 10 AM on his bike and he’s still stomping around here like some Maxenstien.
And this texting thing has already gotten out of control. He’s ridiculous with it, he’s on it every waking moment and it’s hard to keep track of who’s he talking to or what they are talking about. Not all of his business is my business, but most of it is. It’s my job to know what he’s doing, where he’s going and who he’s spending time with. Something about all this texting makes me really nervous. I may have that turned off, he just got it turned off again and it’s already a problem it seems like. In fact, he seems to think it can be a way of communicating with me rather than actually speaking to me. I’m not in that, not with my own son.
But all kids text like mad these days, I realize that. Hell, my friends and I do it pretty regularly. Maybe mom is having that moment of feeling really out of control and not sure what to do about any of it.
Besides, my feelings are really hurt right now. So I should probably just relax, go give him a kiss and hug before bed and hope the crust washes of him tomorrow morning in the shower. Some days it just feels like I can’t reach this kid and he’s doing his best to put up a wall between us because he views me as the arbitrarily controlling adult and doesn’t think he should have to listen to anything I say, even though generally always does. Sometimes with a lot of attitude, but usually he listens pretty well.
Sigh.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I've not forgotten anyone....
I have a long letter drafted to my Aunt Marcy and GramE, am visiting Mary tomorrow for a walk and Sandy and I are going to free day at the Denver Art Museum Saturday morning. I am secretly seeing Matt under the guise of needing his help (LOL, j/k, but sometimes it's the only way anyone has time) and I've got a dinner date with Rhy & Margaret next Friday and another with Kim & Nick the following Saturday. In between all of this I am working dilligently to secure this part time job that I want really really REALLLLLLLY badly. More on that if it pans out. Work has got me turning in circles and Max's soccer season is in full swing. Taxes and FINALLY filing for bankruptcy this month. I hope, I keep thinking to myself that you know who should at least have to ante up for THAT since it's his doing in general, but I only think that way when I want to torture myself. We'll see, every time I get ready to do it something comes up. I know I need to call my Aunty MB and my cousins to firm up plans for my WA trip. I have a drs appt today to get the stupid antibotics I need to clear up this sinus/ear infection as a result of the last crud, I've been putting it off since Monday b/c I'm slammed at work. I've been sleeping like a baby lately and eating well, except I did last night discover that actual peanut butter out of the jar and dark chocolate Hershey's go togther better than any premanufactured candy. Sigh. What's a girl to do? I have a problem, what can I say :) Oh and a friend who I've not seen in a while will be in Colorado on business next week and we have dinner arrangements. That should be fun too. I wonder how he'd feel about Hershey's chocolate and peanut butter out of the jar for dinner....?
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
Life well, I'm on the mend.....but I'm insane, so I've not forgotten any of you. Never would I:)
Love to you all,
Xo,
S
Thursday, March 27, 2008
You don't like cheese? HUH?
Turns out Gaia doesn't care for cheese. Weird huh? I figured ALL cats like dairy products, but not Gaia. uh huh. Not acceptable, too chewy? Not her favorite cat food? Yeah, unless it's actual milk....no can do. Not for Gaia. Good to know.
In other news, went to the doc today cuz my fever hit 102.3 today and I decided Hey.....when do you call a spade a spade? I finally caved after a good 3 days of feeling pretty bad, but pretending it wasn't there. Doc did this AWFUL swabby thing in my nose. Ever had a strep culture? It's like that, except opposite direction, right up your nose. Like instead of tickling your tonsels, it tickles your brain stem. Freaking gross and strange, like something out of The Matrix. This test is to determine if one have the flu, well guess what kids? I sure as heck do. Nice huh? It's a milder strain of the earlier strain of flu's that have gone around this year, but seems I caught the crud from an unsuspecting fellow traveler on the plane or in the air port.
As it also turns out (sorry guys) poor Jeff (of Paula and Jeff fame) also has a flu of some kind. My suspicion is that I brought it to them cuz I was feeling realllly bad Sunday, but sucking it up and enjoying the Easter Egg hunt and pretending I just had a mild hangover rather than feeling like a slight case of death warmed over. I probably brought it with me from Denver or someone on a connecting flight, cuz there are many...someone gave it to some one who gave it to some one else.
Paula accused me of licking her tissues while she was sleeping. I told her I licked her eyeball while she was sleeping instead(like a geicko you know?) and she thought that was reallllly gross. I think it would be cool. I've always wanted an extra apendage like a tail, or wings or a really long lizard tongue. There are many things u could do with all those things that would really get a reaction out of others.
Anyway, I've been home today and most of yesterday and I suspect tomorrow which sucks cuz it means I'll be working ALL weekend until I finish up my issues. On a really positive note, Max comes home tomorrow:)
YAYYYYY! Missed him, the house has been almost a little too quiet and it does make me think long and hard about what I'll be doing when he's grown up and I have much more time to myself cuz a) Kids in and of themselves require a lot of attention/energy/devotion b) Kids make messes, thus more house cleaning c) Kids dirty up clothes, thus more laundry and d) Kids eat more, thus more cooking/dishes oh and in Max's case we have an e) Soccer practice/games...which consume approximately 7 - 10 hours of my free time each week depending on the location of games and my "free time" is a sort of a funny way of putting "time I don't spent at working, cooking, cleaning, eating, sleeping, shopping or otherwise doing household things" which isn't much.....but I have been walking at the park while he's at practice.
This entire week I spent $40 on food for myself, did about 2 hours of house work and maybe 1 hour of laundry. That's it. Wow.
Ok, I'm off to bed now. There's something creepy dripping down my throat, which hurts like the dickens from coughing, last I took my temp it was 101 and I was waiting to my NyQuil and the strangest thing? My back and neck hurt, like ACHE....ick. NyQuil, take me away...................
In other news, went to the doc today cuz my fever hit 102.3 today and I decided Hey.....when do you call a spade a spade? I finally caved after a good 3 days of feeling pretty bad, but pretending it wasn't there. Doc did this AWFUL swabby thing in my nose. Ever had a strep culture? It's like that, except opposite direction, right up your nose. Like instead of tickling your tonsels, it tickles your brain stem. Freaking gross and strange, like something out of The Matrix. This test is to determine if one have the flu, well guess what kids? I sure as heck do. Nice huh? It's a milder strain of the earlier strain of flu's that have gone around this year, but seems I caught the crud from an unsuspecting fellow traveler on the plane or in the air port.
As it also turns out (sorry guys) poor Jeff (of Paula and Jeff fame) also has a flu of some kind. My suspicion is that I brought it to them cuz I was feeling realllly bad Sunday, but sucking it up and enjoying the Easter Egg hunt and pretending I just had a mild hangover rather than feeling like a slight case of death warmed over. I probably brought it with me from Denver or someone on a connecting flight, cuz there are many...someone gave it to some one who gave it to some one else.
Paula accused me of licking her tissues while she was sleeping. I told her I licked her eyeball while she was sleeping instead(like a geicko you know?) and she thought that was reallllly gross. I think it would be cool. I've always wanted an extra apendage like a tail, or wings or a really long lizard tongue. There are many things u could do with all those things that would really get a reaction out of others.
Anyway, I've been home today and most of yesterday and I suspect tomorrow which sucks cuz it means I'll be working ALL weekend until I finish up my issues. On a really positive note, Max comes home tomorrow:)
YAYYYYY! Missed him, the house has been almost a little too quiet and it does make me think long and hard about what I'll be doing when he's grown up and I have much more time to myself cuz a) Kids in and of themselves require a lot of attention/energy/devotion b) Kids make messes, thus more house cleaning c) Kids dirty up clothes, thus more laundry and d) Kids eat more, thus more cooking/dishes oh and in Max's case we have an e) Soccer practice/games...which consume approximately 7 - 10 hours of my free time each week depending on the location of games and my "free time" is a sort of a funny way of putting "time I don't spent at working, cooking, cleaning, eating, sleeping, shopping or otherwise doing household things" which isn't much.....but I have been walking at the park while he's at practice.
This entire week I spent $40 on food for myself, did about 2 hours of house work and maybe 1 hour of laundry. That's it. Wow.
Ok, I'm off to bed now. There's something creepy dripping down my throat, which hurts like the dickens from coughing, last I took my temp it was 101 and I was waiting to my NyQuil and the strangest thing? My back and neck hurt, like ACHE....ick. NyQuil, take me away...................
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tibet Protests
Please take a moment to visit the following site.
Various parties are attempting to censor the details associated with the protest deaths and beatings in Tibet, hoping to avoid negative publicity aimed toward the Chinese governemnt, as well as the 2008 Olympics scheduled to be held in China.
100's of peaceful protestors have been murdered and the injuries are far wider, including several monks who have been burned and/or beaten.
There are links to video as well as additional articles at the top of the page, I would encourage you to take a moment to visit those as well.
http://wikileaks.org/leak/tibet-protest-photos/index.html
Various parties are attempting to censor the details associated with the protest deaths and beatings in Tibet, hoping to avoid negative publicity aimed toward the Chinese governemnt, as well as the 2008 Olympics scheduled to be held in China.
100's of peaceful protestors have been murdered and the injuries are far wider, including several monks who have been burned and/or beaten.
There are links to video as well as additional articles at the top of the page, I would encourage you to take a moment to visit those as well.
http://wikileaks.org/leak/tibet-protest-photos/index.html
Spring Break!
Friday:
Up bright and early, snuggled and kissed Max goodbye, got the cats settled and was at the airport parking garage by 6:30. Hitched a ride on the shuttle from the airport, waddled through security with the rest of the herd and was on my plane by 7:55 and taxing to the tarmac for flight. My flight was less than 45 minutes total, smooth sailing all the way. Exited the plane and made my toward the Albuquerque Sunport terminal to find a beautifully blond and bubbly Miss Paula waiting for me.
We did a little shopping at World Market (my favorite) and Sams for the weekend. Tea's, beer, food. Supplies! And then headed back to Paula's to settle in for the weekend and grill up some yumalicious food!
I was greeted by 5 furbabies. All with their own unique personalities and varying degree's of kitteh krazy. Steiney is the old lady of the group, sweet as pie and ultra affectionate. I'd say the crone of the group, watching out, keeping an eye on things. Tia is the princess, quite beautiful with a big ole puffy tail that compliments her personality well. Spot (LOL, he's so FUNNY!) is essentially a male version of Gaia with white spots all over him. A bit of a tom cat, big and very vocal and really isn't going to take any crap from anyone. Harry is their most recent addition, a feral kitten that was found stuck to their screen door last summer. And Neil, awwww Neil....hims so sweet. He is basically a big cat stuck in a house cat sized body. He's HUGE, big ole paws like a lion. In fact, he moves and looks a lot like a lion in general. I enjoyed all of them throughout the weekend.
Of course, this was also my first real 'getting to know Jeff' experience. I found him to be pleasant, caring of Paula's needs and he and I got on well with one another. As it turns out, Miss Paula ended up becoming quite ill and took a nap Friday afternoon. During that, Jeff and I spent a few hours talking and in that time I learned that he and I have some interesting things in common. Primarily technology and crazy mothers :)
After Paula's nap, it was decided that she would need to get to the doctor as she was wheezing and gasping and freaking Jeff and I out. Paula has both asthma AND intense seasonal allergies. In late February, she came down with a nasty flu/cold thing while on travel in DC for work and hasn't ever really recovered. So, off to urgent care. We were in and out in less than an hour, with antibiotics and cough syrup with hydrocodone. Yessh, that stuff works good!
After urgent care, Paula stuck it out and we grilled and ate yum yum food and watched some Lost and everyone was tired after that.
Saturday:
Let me first say that Friday evening, around 3 AM I was visited by some kind of energy in the house. It freaked me out a little bit at first and I cannot describe it without sounding like a crazy person, but I know it was there and it knew I was there. Later, I realized it was just curious about me. Let me also say that this isn't the first time I've experienced this while on visit to New Mexico. In fact, I spent 2 weeks there several years ago and had similar experiences at an area we camped in and a small bed and breakfast we slept in only one night because THAT was a little freakish and Max with me. I believe this land is sacred and it has been defiled through the years in various ways. I always feel a sense of both sadness and proud strength during my visits to NM. More on this later but, I am affected highly by these energies of the area and while my intuition of these matters is typically strong, in this case on Friday night, I think any one would've noticed the presence. I spoke with P about the next day and she wasn't surprised at all, that there's all kinds of things going on in her home. Which I should say, is charming and epic on some level. It is filled with all kind of interesting things and I enjoyed perusing the house each day I was there, noticing things I hadn't the day before. It is a fairly older building, in the heart of down town and definitely unique in it's structure. I suspect alot of people have been in and out of that building from the time it was built, there is alot of speculation on what it was before it was residential. It does appear to be an cafe of some kind or a bread and breakfast perhaps.
Anyway(s - ha P!) Saturday morning, I woke up after having slept pretty well and we had brie for breakfast with fruit (oh yeah baby!) and I played playstation for a bit with P while she rested in the AM. Poor thing, she was still feeling really bad on Saturday but she bucked up and really made us all proud. We went to old town and spent a few hours perusing and oooohing and ahhhhing. I have to say, tourist as it may be, it is a fun way to spend an afternoon. For those of you who don't know, it's a mall of sorts I guess. My favorite part are the local artists (most native American) selling their wares on the blankets. P and I scored big time with the sweetest butterfly silver pieces you've ever seen and with the appropriate stones for both of us. I spend a lot of time admiring it, today I keep thinking about how cute it looks on my chubby little fingers:)
Jeff came to meet us and we sat and had ice cream and listened to the local music, gorgeous day. I kept looking to the sky and thinking it felt good to be somewhere different than my standard romp, how much perspective one gains from travel.
After old town, we headed home for a nap. Paula and I were both kind of tired after shopping LOL. After naps, everyone got moving for P's bday dinner. We went to pizza at Mario's, YUMMMMM! Way yum. There, we were met by several members of Paula's crew, including Alley, who I feel a lot of genuine warmth from. I enjoyed her a great deal. After dinner, we headed home and Jeff and I spent the remainder of the evening drinking wine and playing Playstation. I am newly addicted to this Star Wars game, I will have to have it for certain. I remember abruptly being VERY tired and falling asleep on the couch. Then I woke up and it was morning.
Sunday:
We had a light breakfast and I had a light hangover from the wine and bourbon shot I did. I've never had bourbon of this nature and as a general rule I don't drink whiskey, but my arm was relentlessly twisted (ha!!!! yeah.....as it always is to try new things LOL) and as it turns out, I enjoyed it. Paula and Jeff don't drink cheap booze, that helps. I felt better after breakfast and we began to prepare for Alley's son Riley to come for an Easter egg hunt. Actually, I played Star Wars and drank tea and Paula did most of the work. The mother in her came whizzing out in about 2 seconds flat, I could tell she wasn't having ANY fun with getting the whole thing set up:) It was probably the happiest I saw her all weekend and I can see why. Riley, is undeniably one of the cutest kids I've seen in while. 5 year old little bundle of compassion and intelligence. What a doll and his momma gives to that kid her all, we might just make it after all if there are more Riley's in the world. I enjoyed the Easter egg hunt a lot, he warmed right up to me and we spent the remainder of the day munching, playing with Easter things and visiting.
Then I was at the airport, on the plane and home! I came home to well cared for cats in my absence and was in bed and passed out by 9 last night. One tired girl!
Now that the detail of the trip is accounted for, some random reflections:
- This is my first time really spending any in person, one on one time with Paula. Contrary to the picture painted to me of her by others in the past, she is quite an endearing, compassionate and kind person. I already knew this obviously as we've become close this past year in particular, but spending time with her in person gave me the ability to firm up my own insights and affections for her. It is true that she is an awful lot of woman in a little teeny tiny body, with a little teeny tiny voice and big huge brown eyes that are pretty intense. It is true that she is direct, honest and I see careful with what she shares with others. It is true that like all of us, she is growing and changing and evolving regularly. You can't fault a person for any of these things. Besides, you'll find all of the women I am close with to be strong, highly intelligent and capable. We all get labeled bitches for that once in a while at least ;)
- I enjoyed getting to know Jeff more, he's alright. Loves Paula, can't go wrong there. He was extremely kind and complimentary to me the entire time I was there. He earned some brownie points too with a few things that I know men are supposed to do, but not something I see a lot. Like being considerate of their woman's needs and helping her out. Oh and Manly Things. Jeff has at least 10 high ranking Manly Traits to be appreciated LOL.
- Immediately, when I got off the plane I noticed the amount of diversity in Albuquerque. You don't see Native American's in Colorado and you don't see Hispanic/Native American babies. It made me very sad, that this beautiful culture has been holed up in a few scattered states where white people come to gamble and be waited on by the people who originally inhabited this land. I can't really put my head around it all, but I know that I can sense the cavernous divide between white people and brown people, it's hard not to notice and it's hard not to feel shame for what history has dictated.
- Albuquerque is sprawled out and probably populated in it's entirety by approximately 500,000 people. The Denver Metro area (which not only includes Denver, but west to the foothills, the south to the tech center approximately, the east ending at the Aurora city limit b/c Aurora is it's county now and to the north to roughly Thornton) is 2.5 million. 2.5 MILLION people is astronomical in proportion to where I spent the weekend, this was also hard not to notice. Rush hour in Albuquerque felt like standard I70 traffic to me and the lack of people milling around, except in the old town mall area, was also noticeable. It made me realize that I really do live in a pretty big city, it's a metropolis now. It wasn't when I was growing up and maybe that's why it's taken me this long to realize it because I still see Golden as Golden, not a suburb of Denver. But the truth is, that the population has exploded here so much in the past 15 years that the clear delineation of suburbs no longer exists. Everything is just build on top of each other. This realization was a surreal one for me.
- And finally, Paula commented on something that almost brought me to sobbing tears. It's not something I need to repeat because it is between her and I, but it's something I've thought long and hard about. The reality of my transformation this past year was made quite clear to me, that I have changed. It made me a little sad to see that others had noticed, that I'd become someone different than I was. I realize that this is an inevitable aspect of life and I embrace that, but this is the kind of difference you notice when someone has been beaten down and sand kicked in their face. I realize that my psyche has suffered, my body has been terrorized and I've come out of it on the other side stronger and most definitely wiser, but I realize that it still doesn't show on the outside. Externally, I am not who I feel like internally. Not in how I look, speak, carry myself or otherwise engage with others. Why this is, I'm not sure....but the cautious side of me tends to win. I am slowly becoming a girl I recognize, slowly. But it's taking time and I have changed, there's no denying that. And a disservice has been done unto me, how I am dealing with that, I am not entirely sure. One day at a time, I guess?
The trip was enjoyable and peaceful. Paula and Jeff were both generous and extremely hospitable, I felt very comfortable with them and being in their home and we are already coming up with "reasons" LOL for me to come again! Particularly, the hot air balloon festival! COOL!
More To Come Soon....
I will blogg on my most enjoyable trip to Albequrque to see Miss Sweet P as soon as possible, however I came to work to find that I've been given a rather large project this week which promises to keep me both busy AND challenged. WOOT WOOT!
In short, the trip was relaxing, enjoyable, comfortable and loving. Paula and Jeff were extremely generous and hospitable AND I made 5 new furbaby friends; Harry, Niel, Stieney; Spot and Tia. My flights to and fro were short and sweet (unbelievely short!) all was well at home. Couldn't have asked for a smoother long weekend! I came home with a renewed sense of warmth and love, a pretty new piece of silver on mah finger and all kinds of fun smells for Gaia and Pumpkin to explore. Gaia nosed me rather aggressively for a good hour last night. Silley kittehs!
More to come soon!
Xo,
S
In short, the trip was relaxing, enjoyable, comfortable and loving. Paula and Jeff were extremely generous and hospitable AND I made 5 new furbaby friends; Harry, Niel, Stieney; Spot and Tia. My flights to and fro were short and sweet (unbelievely short!) all was well at home. Couldn't have asked for a smoother long weekend! I came home with a renewed sense of warmth and love, a pretty new piece of silver on mah finger and all kinds of fun smells for Gaia and Pumpkin to explore. Gaia nosed me rather aggressively for a good hour last night. Silley kittehs!
More to come soon!
Xo,
S
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Groove IS In The Heart
1) One Birthday Girl
Check
2) Travel arrangments to Albequrque
Check
3) Booty shaking, body rocking song to blast off a long weekend:
CHECK!
Check
2) Travel arrangments to Albequrque
Check
3) Booty shaking, body rocking song to blast off a long weekend:
CHECK!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Quick Update
It's a busy busy week over here. Not much time at the moment to update in depth but here's a quick over view:
- The Kasha issue has been painful, I've spent a few nights agonizing over my decision. Worrying about her, feeling guilty. I called the rescue today to get an update, she was spayed over the weekend and is scheduled for surgery next week on her little knee's. She'll be able to go with a family 2 - 4 weeks after that, given the family can handle her medical care. Sigh. I do miss her. I don't miss feeling like I couldn't take proper care of her OR the chaos that tends to follow her around
- The cats have won the lottery. Gaia specifically, I haven't seen her so playful in well....years really. She's really coming out of her Gaia shell and turning into a beautiful Gaia butterfly. She actually runs to the door when I get home now to greet me? Wow. Pumpkin's appetite has improved tremendously, she gums chicken and turkey regularly now :) She is a knee cat, so Max happily obliges while watching movies and all is well accordingly.
- Thanks to Miss Paula, I'm going on a mini vacation this weekend. Her efforts to visit Colorado have been unsuccessful thus far due to a large project at work and school. Her birthday is this weekend, she said "Hey, I'll buy you fly?" I figured since she was coming out already, who am I to turn down such a sweet gift? 3 days and 2 nights in beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. Bless her heart. I leave early Friday morning and return late Sunday night. Max is on Spring Break and going to his Grandma's and Kristen is watching the kitteh's. SWEEEEET! Thanks P!
- I am wickedly broke though, King Stoopids decided to cash the same check twice (from over 3 months ago now?) and said they will reimburse me, but that I would have to wait. Apparently they don't understand how closely some of us follow our pennies. Poo on you King Stoopids!
- I now have unlimited, nationwide cell service. This means I can talk to whomever, wherever and however much I like no matter what time of day. I could be at Red Rocks talking to Crystal in Seattle or in Seattle talking to Kristen in Arvada. It's all good in the hood. THIS makes me quite happy, I'm tired of being controlled by my phone company.
Off for now, more to come. xo.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Never Again
I just got done taking my dog to the animal rescue because I can no longer meet her needs. I just got done taking my dog to a rescue where she's going to be spayed, operated on and sent to a new home and she'll be doing all of this without her momma. She's going to be scared and alone. I couldn't even look at her on the way down there because I feel a very strong need to remain composed in this situation and acknowledging her would crumble any remaining ability I have to do so. I've been trying to avoid her for days because when I look her in the eyes I fall apart. I didn't even get to say goodbye and she was so overwhelmed that she immediately went into insane mode and she was isolated immediately. It may very well be one of the coldest and most heartless things I feel I've ever done.
I will miss her so much. I feel I've faced more than my share of "unfair" things in the past 9 months of my life and this ranks up there in the top 10, that's for sure. I loved this dog. Everyone knows why I feel this thing with Kasha was incredibly unfair, no need to rehash the gory details. And everyone knows why she is where she is and it is not because I am irresponsible. If anything, it's because I am responsible enough to do the right thing even when it hurts like freaking hell. I could just throttle somebody though, sometimes I wonder how much suffering one person can endure based on things that are totally out of that persons control. For how long will this linger?
I keep telling myself Kasha is going to find a great home, that this is the right thing for everyone, that Gaia and Pumpkin will no longer be terrorized and attacked and that Kasha will be getting the medical care she needs to have a long and happy life. I will repeat it like a mantra until I believe it and this hole in my soul fills up again. Because right now I feel sick, like I might throw up sick.
I will keep her in a vision of a white protective circle around her and know that the outcomes will be positive for all of us.
I will miss her so much. I feel I've faced more than my share of "unfair" things in the past 9 months of my life and this ranks up there in the top 10, that's for sure. I loved this dog. Everyone knows why I feel this thing with Kasha was incredibly unfair, no need to rehash the gory details. And everyone knows why she is where she is and it is not because I am irresponsible. If anything, it's because I am responsible enough to do the right thing even when it hurts like freaking hell. I could just throttle somebody though, sometimes I wonder how much suffering one person can endure based on things that are totally out of that persons control. For how long will this linger?
I keep telling myself Kasha is going to find a great home, that this is the right thing for everyone, that Gaia and Pumpkin will no longer be terrorized and attacked and that Kasha will be getting the medical care she needs to have a long and happy life. I will repeat it like a mantra until I believe it and this hole in my soul fills up again. Because right now I feel sick, like I might throw up sick.
I will keep her in a vision of a white protective circle around her and know that the outcomes will be positive for all of us.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
What A Lucky Girl I Am!
This arrived on my desk today at 3PM from a very sneaky Miss Paula:
My friends so freaking rock. Could I be any more loved?
The flowers are fragrant and vibrant and gorgeous, the bear is soooooper soft and definately will be making it's way to Cuddle Buddy status at home after it's outlived it's current status as "Desk Cuddle Buddy" and the vase this arrangment came in is TOO freaking cool. I could do lots of fun things with it after all the pretty flowbers (Max used to call flowers "flowbers" as a young child LOL) have made their way to flower heaven.
Awwwww. I can tell you today hasn't been the easiest day and P must've picked up on it, cuz she's been holding my hand through this thing with Kasha.
So thanks to you P, for brightening up my day on many levels. For letting me whimper and lament and expell all my emotions about the doggeh and you know who and all the what nots that got with it.
And thanks for sending me something fun at work! What a cool feeling. I've never received flowers at work and this is actually on the 4th time in my entire life that I've even received flowers from anyone, so it's like a huge huge treat.
No WONDER girls like flowers, durh. I now see the value of having a beautiful boquet of smelly good things within eye shot (and nose shot, flowbers on your desk are pretty yummy!)
Seriously, my friends freaking rock. I am humbled by all of you.
YAY P. Thank you.
YAY ME:)
The flowers are fragrant and vibrant and gorgeous, the bear is soooooper soft and definately will be making it's way to Cuddle Buddy status at home after it's outlived it's current status as "Desk Cuddle Buddy" and the vase this arrangment came in is TOO freaking cool. I could do lots of fun things with it after all the pretty flowbers (Max used to call flowers "flowbers" as a young child LOL) have made their way to flower heaven.
Awwwww. I can tell you today hasn't been the easiest day and P must've picked up on it, cuz she's been holding my hand through this thing with Kasha.
So thanks to you P, for brightening up my day on many levels. For letting me whimper and lament and expell all my emotions about the doggeh and you know who and all the what nots that got with it.
And thanks for sending me something fun at work! What a cool feeling. I've never received flowers at work and this is actually on the 4th time in my entire life that I've even received flowers from anyone, so it's like a huge huge treat.
No WONDER girls like flowers, durh. I now see the value of having a beautiful boquet of smelly good things within eye shot (and nose shot, flowbers on your desk are pretty yummy!)
Seriously, my friends freaking rock. I am humbled by all of you.
YAY P. Thank you.
YAY ME:)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The Decision I've Been Dreading For Months
I have decided to release Kasha to the animal rescue down town. It is a no kill animal rescue and they will do their best to match her with a good home.
It makes my stomach turn just to think about it, but I've decided this just isn't working out for anyone involved, most of all Kasha, poor thing. Dogs need their mommies and big brothers to be home more. Doggies need a lot of attention, patience and energy. Especially doggies like Kasha, whose breed is known to be extremely high energy and require a lot of interaction with their owners. Kasha came to our home more against my will than with my consent and while I love her dearly and I will miss her tremendously, the disharmony that her energy is causing in my home has become unbearable.
The final straw was this morning. Kasha is not at all pleased that Gaia gets to sleep with me each night now, this was after all Kasha's highly coveted place in the pecking order. Kasha is also quite curious in general, but when it comes to the cats she is about as nosey as they come. I also believe that Kasha can smell that Gaia is vulnerable right now and this interests her. So, Kasha hovers around the door. Smells, scratches at the door and whines basically. I'll be blunt, it's obnoxious. In fact, her behavior in general has become increasingly obnoxious because she just isn't getting enough exercise, time outside and time with Max and I. Anyway, I was getting out of the shower and going to dress for the day and Kasha slipped past me and instantly attacked Gaia. Like attacked her, went right for her wound area. Gaia who just got her stitches out a few days ago. Gaia who was absolutely terrified but still will not turn down a fight, even if she is still recovering from major kitty surgery. The look Gaia's face when Kasha went after basically broke my heart and I decided, this just can't work any more. All of the animals in our home are basically not getting along and require separation in order to avoid chaos. Kasha has taken over my home and one thing I've learned is that no matter how painful it might be, you have to know when to say when and move on. This truly will be for the best in the long run.
I absolutely adore dogs and I will have one again someday, but right now I simply don't have the time, energy or resources to devote to the needs of a dog like Kasha. Some day, but not today. Not any more and I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my face, I know too that like many things in my life, Kasha also represents an aspect of Chance (this was his dog, he wanted her badly and I conceded b/c I fell in love w/ her immediately as well not fully realizing what I was getting in to) and Chance's irresponsible and reckless behavior. Kasha, in some ways is another piece of the wreckage and I opted to keep her because I knew he could not and that was my choice and certainly I don't allow this aspect of the situation affect my life for her, it's not her fault that the person who adopted her didn't have the maturity to realize that taking a dog into your home is a pretty major committement. And committement, is not one of Chance's strongest suites unfortunately. I've tried so hard to make this work with her, but it's just not happening and I give up. My white flag is raised and I guess it's ok to say, Hey you tried it and it didn't work and go forward.
Except it's not that simple because this is a living, breathing, loyal spirit and it's hard for me. I feel like I am abandoning her. I wouldn't ever dream of taking Gaia to the animal rescue, EVER. Or Pumpkin. I feel terribly guilty and pained by the decision.
However, I have to say that I am more and more able to see possible growth from these difficult decisions. In this case, I can clearly see the need for change and I am acting on it, rather than being fearful of it. And rather than allowing my pain to rule my decision making process, I am doing what is right. Per The Fray's ever powerful lyric: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
So dear Kasha, I will miss you. I know you will find the perfect home for you, one with a huge yard and an energetic parent to walk you twice a day and play with you all the time and there will most definitely be NO cats, hamsters or other dogs within your wide ranging ear shot! Best of luck to you dear one, you are a special little girl and I am grateful for our time together.
It makes my stomach turn just to think about it, but I've decided this just isn't working out for anyone involved, most of all Kasha, poor thing. Dogs need their mommies and big brothers to be home more. Doggies need a lot of attention, patience and energy. Especially doggies like Kasha, whose breed is known to be extremely high energy and require a lot of interaction with their owners. Kasha came to our home more against my will than with my consent and while I love her dearly and I will miss her tremendously, the disharmony that her energy is causing in my home has become unbearable.
The final straw was this morning. Kasha is not at all pleased that Gaia gets to sleep with me each night now, this was after all Kasha's highly coveted place in the pecking order. Kasha is also quite curious in general, but when it comes to the cats she is about as nosey as they come. I also believe that Kasha can smell that Gaia is vulnerable right now and this interests her. So, Kasha hovers around the door. Smells, scratches at the door and whines basically. I'll be blunt, it's obnoxious. In fact, her behavior in general has become increasingly obnoxious because she just isn't getting enough exercise, time outside and time with Max and I. Anyway, I was getting out of the shower and going to dress for the day and Kasha slipped past me and instantly attacked Gaia. Like attacked her, went right for her wound area. Gaia who just got her stitches out a few days ago. Gaia who was absolutely terrified but still will not turn down a fight, even if she is still recovering from major kitty surgery. The look Gaia's face when Kasha went after basically broke my heart and I decided, this just can't work any more. All of the animals in our home are basically not getting along and require separation in order to avoid chaos. Kasha has taken over my home and one thing I've learned is that no matter how painful it might be, you have to know when to say when and move on. This truly will be for the best in the long run.
I absolutely adore dogs and I will have one again someday, but right now I simply don't have the time, energy or resources to devote to the needs of a dog like Kasha. Some day, but not today. Not any more and I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my face, I know too that like many things in my life, Kasha also represents an aspect of Chance (this was his dog, he wanted her badly and I conceded b/c I fell in love w/ her immediately as well not fully realizing what I was getting in to) and Chance's irresponsible and reckless behavior. Kasha, in some ways is another piece of the wreckage and I opted to keep her because I knew he could not and that was my choice and certainly I don't allow this aspect of the situation affect my life for her, it's not her fault that the person who adopted her didn't have the maturity to realize that taking a dog into your home is a pretty major committement. And committement, is not one of Chance's strongest suites unfortunately. I've tried so hard to make this work with her, but it's just not happening and I give up. My white flag is raised and I guess it's ok to say, Hey you tried it and it didn't work and go forward.
Except it's not that simple because this is a living, breathing, loyal spirit and it's hard for me. I feel like I am abandoning her. I wouldn't ever dream of taking Gaia to the animal rescue, EVER. Or Pumpkin. I feel terribly guilty and pained by the decision.
However, I have to say that I am more and more able to see possible growth from these difficult decisions. In this case, I can clearly see the need for change and I am acting on it, rather than being fearful of it. And rather than allowing my pain to rule my decision making process, I am doing what is right. Per The Fray's ever powerful lyric: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
So dear Kasha, I will miss you. I know you will find the perfect home for you, one with a huge yard and an energetic parent to walk you twice a day and play with you all the time and there will most definitely be NO cats, hamsters or other dogs within your wide ranging ear shot! Best of luck to you dear one, you are a special little girl and I am grateful for our time together.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The Weekend In Wonderful & Weird
Friday:
Fantabulous time with the crew at El Noa Noa and Rhy's show. He sold a piece that night, yay Rhy! I wonder, does that somehow cement your status as an artist externally? When your work is displayed to the world and someone finds it interesting enough to actually pay money for it? That must be pretty damn affirming, like getting a raise or when you child squeezes you tightly for no particular reason. A sign that your passion and efforts have not gone unnoticed?
The night was a success. The food was fantastic (I Heart Fish Tacos) and I managed to join two groups of unknown friends together in one night and all worked out swimmingly. Why I have more friends from the midwest in Colorado than I do natives to Colorado is beyond me, but it works out that way these days. It is my hope to eventually have my many facets of unique relationships intermingled so that they will all find as much joy in one another as I do. Plus, it cuts down on tedious process of introductions each and every time we get together. Works for me.
Saturday:
Gaia Cat had her sutures removed and the vet said she should make a complete recovery. The infection is totally cleared up, the one iffy area where the stitches were super tight are scabbed perfectly and she only has to wear her crazy clown cat thingy for another week. Which is good for all involved, because she REALLY needs a kitty bath and I know she's looking forward to having one. She's been attempting a good lick at her hind quarters for some time now, she probably feels like I do after a solid week of camping and no shower.
Max had a soccer game in Pueblo, carpooled and didn't get home until 9:30 ish. I worked most of the day after he left, we are trying to rebuild the stoooopid dev server at work and I wanted to make sure my work was all there. POO! Some of it isn't, but most is so thank goodness for the small blessings!
Sunday:
Bad bad BAD funk day. Sometimes I just have these days where I'm mad at the world for no real reason. Sunday was my mothers turn. I spent a good portion of the day fuming over her, why? I don't know. Nothing really prompted it, which is exactly what probably did spark it.....there's simply nothing there unless I pursue it, nurture and maintain it. I don't know why I let it get to me. I am after all, a well adjusted, educated and fairly capable woman right? Maybe it's because I see now what families are like based on the family that's been built up around Max and I these past years and see that a general concern and actual caring about the well being of one another is something you inherently do when you love someone and you make an effort to check in, send updates, tell each other that you love one another and mean it. I know I shouldn't take it personal because my logical mind can see that it has nothing to do with me. My inner child explodes with fear and anxiety and something that feels alot like abandonment.
I seriously seriously need therapy.
I'm kind of laughing here, just in case that's not obvious. About the therapy part, actually. Not my mom. Right now it's probably good that things are the way they are, an unexpected phone call could lead to a burst of disharmony amongst us I'm sure.
But on the therapy, I've decided I really do need to find a way to get my ass to a therapist I connect with that takes my insurance because on the days that I take myself too seriously, I feel like one super messed up cookie. Like REALLY screwed up somewhere deep down inside and while being melancholy and cynical make for interesting poetry and a rather unintentionally eventful life, it doesn't always make for such a happily fulfilled and centered human being and really, if I am at all lucky, I have a while yet before I'm done with this life so wouldn't it be more enjoyable if I wasn't harboring all this crap from when I was a kid that can't be changed but still haunts me? That's probably the worst part of it, I think I have a pretty good idea about the various poisons inside me, I just don't know what to do about them. They are like little gremlins that I wish to eradicate completely.
And on that rather heavy note (though I'm not in a heavy mood today, so if this sounds like I'm horribley depressed I am not) I bid you all ado until next time.
peace out
S
Fantabulous time with the crew at El Noa Noa and Rhy's show. He sold a piece that night, yay Rhy! I wonder, does that somehow cement your status as an artist externally? When your work is displayed to the world and someone finds it interesting enough to actually pay money for it? That must be pretty damn affirming, like getting a raise or when you child squeezes you tightly for no particular reason. A sign that your passion and efforts have not gone unnoticed?
The night was a success. The food was fantastic (I Heart Fish Tacos) and I managed to join two groups of unknown friends together in one night and all worked out swimmingly. Why I have more friends from the midwest in Colorado than I do natives to Colorado is beyond me, but it works out that way these days. It is my hope to eventually have my many facets of unique relationships intermingled so that they will all find as much joy in one another as I do. Plus, it cuts down on tedious process of introductions each and every time we get together. Works for me.
Saturday:
Gaia Cat had her sutures removed and the vet said she should make a complete recovery. The infection is totally cleared up, the one iffy area where the stitches were super tight are scabbed perfectly and she only has to wear her crazy clown cat thingy for another week. Which is good for all involved, because she REALLY needs a kitty bath and I know she's looking forward to having one. She's been attempting a good lick at her hind quarters for some time now, she probably feels like I do after a solid week of camping and no shower.
Max had a soccer game in Pueblo, carpooled and didn't get home until 9:30 ish. I worked most of the day after he left, we are trying to rebuild the stoooopid dev server at work and I wanted to make sure my work was all there. POO! Some of it isn't, but most is so thank goodness for the small blessings!
Sunday:
Bad bad BAD funk day. Sometimes I just have these days where I'm mad at the world for no real reason. Sunday was my mothers turn. I spent a good portion of the day fuming over her, why? I don't know. Nothing really prompted it, which is exactly what probably did spark it.....there's simply nothing there unless I pursue it, nurture and maintain it. I don't know why I let it get to me. I am after all, a well adjusted, educated and fairly capable woman right? Maybe it's because I see now what families are like based on the family that's been built up around Max and I these past years and see that a general concern and actual caring about the well being of one another is something you inherently do when you love someone and you make an effort to check in, send updates, tell each other that you love one another and mean it. I know I shouldn't take it personal because my logical mind can see that it has nothing to do with me. My inner child explodes with fear and anxiety and something that feels alot like abandonment.
I seriously seriously need therapy.
I'm kind of laughing here, just in case that's not obvious. About the therapy part, actually. Not my mom. Right now it's probably good that things are the way they are, an unexpected phone call could lead to a burst of disharmony amongst us I'm sure.
But on the therapy, I've decided I really do need to find a way to get my ass to a therapist I connect with that takes my insurance because on the days that I take myself too seriously, I feel like one super messed up cookie. Like REALLY screwed up somewhere deep down inside and while being melancholy and cynical make for interesting poetry and a rather unintentionally eventful life, it doesn't always make for such a happily fulfilled and centered human being and really, if I am at all lucky, I have a while yet before I'm done with this life so wouldn't it be more enjoyable if I wasn't harboring all this crap from when I was a kid that can't be changed but still haunts me? That's probably the worst part of it, I think I have a pretty good idea about the various poisons inside me, I just don't know what to do about them. They are like little gremlins that I wish to eradicate completely.
And on that rather heavy note (though I'm not in a heavy mood today, so if this sounds like I'm horribley depressed I am not) I bid you all ado until next time.
peace out
S
Friday, March 07, 2008
Learn To Take A Compliment Woman, Jeez!
Our development environment is basically down at work today and what happens when an application development shop doesn't have access to it's development files? Yep, you guessed it: No work gets done! Not a lick and I feel for our network admins, because they have to rebuild the servers and reinstall everything and then pull from the back up to re-establish all the network files and shares. What a pain. SOMEONE is going to pulling long hours this weekend. Poor guys.
This happens about twice a year here. Last time we were down for about 3 business days, this time it's looking like more of the same. There's really nothing that can be done, it happens all the time, all over cyber space. Servers go down, hardware blows up and users unwittingly corrupted code/data/files. It happens. What can you do? *shrug*
And, on top of this technical issue, we have about half of our staff out this afternoon. It's not uncommon around here, I tend to leave pretty early on Fridays also unless I'm wickedly busy. So it's ultra quiet in here. And what do the bored remaining employee's do with their time? Play Suduko online, chat with friends and co-workers, clean out their desks/desktops, etc....I'd prefer to just go home, but I can't yet. Waiting for the one issue I could work on today to be moved to production.
In the midst of all of this downtime and silence, the co-worker to co-worker chatting has begun. I work with a man named Vadim, his Russian accent is thick and like me, he is very very white, stocky and light hair/eyes. He joked with me that if I didn't speak (western accent) I could easily pass for Russian if I were to visit. I told him that might be hard, I speak. Sarah speak alot :)
Anyway, he stopped by my cube and we started blabbing on about what not and life and out of nowhere he said "Sarah, you deserve and award or a medal or something." I nervously giggled (when I receive compliments, I become VERY uncomfortable and turn red and play with my hair and laugh nervously, this has been pointed out more than once) and said "Ok. Sure. Why?" Giggle giggle. Face feeling red and flushed. He proceeded to share with me that he's never met a single mom who seems to have it together so well, that he doesn't know how I do it, how Max and I've come so far alone, how do I work so hard all day and go home and do the mom thing and finally how is that I'm still single because I seem so social and bubbly and in his opinion, I'm a very pretty girl.
Face burning up, hot, beyond flushed. I'm certain I am visibly blushing now.
And since his accent is SO thick, it was like I had to listen extra carefully and really allow the words to permeate through me to clearly get a picture of what he was trying to say to me. So when he stopped speaking, I was still absorbing it all and as it was all sinking in I really just felt like I wanted to end the conversation immediately. Not because he'd done anything wrong, but because.....what do you say to that?
Talk about red red red. I know, I know....most of you are going "Ok, the Sarah I know doesn't embarrass or offend easily, what gives?"
I'm not embarrassed or offended, but to have a co-worker be so forward with me and out of the blue, it just really took me by surprise. So once I screamed in my head to cut the blushing off already and I gave him the answers to why I think things are the way they are for Max and I. We've had an incredible support system almost since the moment we set foot back in Colorado. I have a best friend who's never lived more than 10 minutes from me and has, in essence co-parented Max in a way through all these years. Kristen's love for Max is immense, and my love for her daughter the same. We are, a smalll family all our own of sorts. I have many trustworthy resources. I have witnessed how Mary has raised her children through the years and she is there to advise and gently encourages me (which she does perfectly) and nurtures me when I fall apart. The Conlee aspect of our family tree is quite powerful, much love and unending support emanating from that source. Max and I are surrounded by those who only want the best for us. My close friends have offered up their time, energy, even money through the years to help Max and I survive. Consistently for all this time. Crystal has always been there at the drop of a dime for anything, I know if I need her all I have to do is call. Matt will always help me in a pinch if it's an emergency. P and I have gotten closer this past year and I would easily add her to my list of confidants. This doesn't even go into the countless others, Kim & Sandy and Stacy and people I've worked with through the years who have supported us both.
I've been incredibly lucky in the range of employers I've had also, sans TNT, I couldn't ask for any better. They are all flexible and trusting of my abilities. I am a loyal employee and work hard. It all works out in the wash really. But I believe this to be an equally contributing factor in addition to our existing support systems. Without a flexible, tolerant and otherwise family friendly work environment, we would NEVER be where we are now. It is not to say that I demand special treatment, but kids get sick, get bit by dogs at the dog run, fall off bikes and need stitches, plumbing events occur, Moms get the flu, relationships explode and lives go into turmoil. This is the just the reality of life and when you are a single parent, you can't just call your partner to say "Hey, I'm in the middle of a huge project here that has to go live by the end of the day, can you go pick up Max, he just stuck a bead up his nose and needs to go to the ER again?" Nope, that's not how it works.
I explained this all to him as briefly as possible, but he wasn't letting me get away with it. He said "This may be true and you are fortunate to have so much support, but none of this would be without you. Max is a lucky kid to have such a strong mother."
Freaking eyeballs betrayed me and I started to tear up quickly, lip began quivering. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and simply said "Thank you." and let it be what it was. The guy was congratulating me on managing to raise a great kid, work hard and make a life for myself and my family. What's the harm in taking the compliment and owning it? And just saying "Thank you" and being done with it?
Not so hard really, once you get through the tears and blushing and stuff. Why I don't think I deserve it, I'll never know. I think my guilt as a mother is massive. The flashbacks to the times I was selfish or made poor decisions that have affected Max. I have guilt about things I can't even control, like his Dad or the fact that Max was born to a relatively inexperienced human, let alone someone who could scarcely call herself a mother at 16. I can't change of these things, but I still feel anxiety over them sometimes. I'm sure that has something to do with it. But even guilt, can't kill the feeling that if a relative stranger (who has met Max and sits near me so I'm sure he hears a lot) can come up to me and say, "Hey....your doing alright! Hang in there!" that maybe I should just accept that and believe him?
This happens about twice a year here. Last time we were down for about 3 business days, this time it's looking like more of the same. There's really nothing that can be done, it happens all the time, all over cyber space. Servers go down, hardware blows up and users unwittingly corrupted code/data/files. It happens. What can you do? *shrug*
And, on top of this technical issue, we have about half of our staff out this afternoon. It's not uncommon around here, I tend to leave pretty early on Fridays also unless I'm wickedly busy. So it's ultra quiet in here. And what do the bored remaining employee's do with their time? Play Suduko online, chat with friends and co-workers, clean out their desks/desktops, etc....I'd prefer to just go home, but I can't yet. Waiting for the one issue I could work on today to be moved to production.
In the midst of all of this downtime and silence, the co-worker to co-worker chatting has begun. I work with a man named Vadim, his Russian accent is thick and like me, he is very very white, stocky and light hair/eyes. He joked with me that if I didn't speak (western accent) I could easily pass for Russian if I were to visit. I told him that might be hard, I speak. Sarah speak alot :)
Anyway, he stopped by my cube and we started blabbing on about what not and life and out of nowhere he said "Sarah, you deserve and award or a medal or something." I nervously giggled (when I receive compliments, I become VERY uncomfortable and turn red and play with my hair and laugh nervously, this has been pointed out more than once) and said "Ok. Sure. Why?" Giggle giggle. Face feeling red and flushed. He proceeded to share with me that he's never met a single mom who seems to have it together so well, that he doesn't know how I do it, how Max and I've come so far alone, how do I work so hard all day and go home and do the mom thing and finally how is that I'm still single because I seem so social and bubbly and in his opinion, I'm a very pretty girl.
Face burning up, hot, beyond flushed. I'm certain I am visibly blushing now.
And since his accent is SO thick, it was like I had to listen extra carefully and really allow the words to permeate through me to clearly get a picture of what he was trying to say to me. So when he stopped speaking, I was still absorbing it all and as it was all sinking in I really just felt like I wanted to end the conversation immediately. Not because he'd done anything wrong, but because.....what do you say to that?
Talk about red red red. I know, I know....most of you are going "Ok, the Sarah I know doesn't embarrass or offend easily, what gives?"
I'm not embarrassed or offended, but to have a co-worker be so forward with me and out of the blue, it just really took me by surprise. So once I screamed in my head to cut the blushing off already and I gave him the answers to why I think things are the way they are for Max and I. We've had an incredible support system almost since the moment we set foot back in Colorado. I have a best friend who's never lived more than 10 minutes from me and has, in essence co-parented Max in a way through all these years. Kristen's love for Max is immense, and my love for her daughter the same. We are, a smalll family all our own of sorts. I have many trustworthy resources. I have witnessed how Mary has raised her children through the years and she is there to advise and gently encourages me (which she does perfectly) and nurtures me when I fall apart. The Conlee aspect of our family tree is quite powerful, much love and unending support emanating from that source. Max and I are surrounded by those who only want the best for us. My close friends have offered up their time, energy, even money through the years to help Max and I survive. Consistently for all this time. Crystal has always been there at the drop of a dime for anything, I know if I need her all I have to do is call. Matt will always help me in a pinch if it's an emergency. P and I have gotten closer this past year and I would easily add her to my list of confidants. This doesn't even go into the countless others, Kim & Sandy and Stacy and people I've worked with through the years who have supported us both.
I've been incredibly lucky in the range of employers I've had also, sans TNT, I couldn't ask for any better. They are all flexible and trusting of my abilities. I am a loyal employee and work hard. It all works out in the wash really. But I believe this to be an equally contributing factor in addition to our existing support systems. Without a flexible, tolerant and otherwise family friendly work environment, we would NEVER be where we are now. It is not to say that I demand special treatment, but kids get sick, get bit by dogs at the dog run, fall off bikes and need stitches, plumbing events occur, Moms get the flu, relationships explode and lives go into turmoil. This is the just the reality of life and when you are a single parent, you can't just call your partner to say "Hey, I'm in the middle of a huge project here that has to go live by the end of the day, can you go pick up Max, he just stuck a bead up his nose and needs to go to the ER again?" Nope, that's not how it works.
I explained this all to him as briefly as possible, but he wasn't letting me get away with it. He said "This may be true and you are fortunate to have so much support, but none of this would be without you. Max is a lucky kid to have such a strong mother."
Freaking eyeballs betrayed me and I started to tear up quickly, lip began quivering. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and simply said "Thank you." and let it be what it was. The guy was congratulating me on managing to raise a great kid, work hard and make a life for myself and my family. What's the harm in taking the compliment and owning it? And just saying "Thank you" and being done with it?
Not so hard really, once you get through the tears and blushing and stuff. Why I don't think I deserve it, I'll never know. I think my guilt as a mother is massive. The flashbacks to the times I was selfish or made poor decisions that have affected Max. I have guilt about things I can't even control, like his Dad or the fact that Max was born to a relatively inexperienced human, let alone someone who could scarcely call herself a mother at 16. I can't change of these things, but I still feel anxiety over them sometimes. I'm sure that has something to do with it. But even guilt, can't kill the feeling that if a relative stranger (who has met Max and sits near me so I'm sure he hears a lot) can come up to me and say, "Hey....your doing alright! Hang in there!" that maybe I should just accept that and believe him?
Monday, March 03, 2008
I'm exhausted this morning, I've been working like a mad woman and my weekend kind of caught up to me this morning.
Friday night was Sushi at Sa Sa's (mmmmmmmm, what a treat!) compliments of Mary & Howard for my birthday, yes it took us this long to make it finally happen. Between their schedule, mine and at least bouts of flu/cold/crud it took us over a month to arrange a time that worked best for all involved. It was well worth the wait, I've missed them so much! I also had THE most incredible martini, I may begin exploring gin martini's as it seemed smoother than my standard dirty vodka. I suppose it's like all things alcoholic, the higher the grade of poison, the better it tastes :) These were amazing though, soooo yummy!
After lots of laughing, catching up, amazing food and Max's incredibly brave attempts at trying each and every dish (this is the picky kid who doesn't let his food touch at home, but he seemed pretty open to the experience) we went home and Max crashed out, I ended up talking with Crys until 1 in the morning. We've also needed to catch up for some time and it was good to hear her voice, plus she is facing some painful personal situations in her life and I feel we needed to connect on that so I could fully gauge where she's at.
Saturday we FINALLY finished the nasty ghetto houses. Seriously, these places need to be condemned, torn down and be rebuilt as HUD homes for the area's population that can't afford to live in Arvada, but have most of their lives. In fact, two of the places actually ARE condemned. Scary stuff. Anyway, it's over and Kristen and I are officially in complete and utter appreciation for the lives we've been given. This experience was a wake up call for both of us, let's just put it that way. Considering where we've been and where we could be and where are now, life is damn good for two single mothers who had children when they were children themselves.
Saturday night Matty came over a few, we had some beers and chatted about life for a few. He seems good, steady. We like that. After he left, I watched movies for a bit, chatted with a friend from Kansas for a few and the couch became my bed after not to long. Which I slept like crap on, but that's ok....it was sleep.
Sunday, Max and I watched movies all day and ate chicken taquito's :) Yum. I ended it with "Gone Baby Gone" and have to tell you that while I think the premise of the story is fascinating AND the social quandaries posed in the story, some of it wasn't very well acted and I found the lead characters a little flat. Really, it could've been even more powerful than it was. Worth watching though for some people though. Was in bed by 9. Gaia is still isolated in my room and beginning to let me know that she's had it with all this nonsense, she keeps trying to rub on me with the nasty spot and it makes me cringe....but she's my kitty and I love her so she can pretty much do what she wants at this point. I spent a good half an hour with her on the floor last night with a feather from my red boa, good to see her getting back to her playful self.
This week promises more of the same business. Drs appointments, taxes to file, my own house to clean, big things going on at work and Max has CSAP/soccer this week which means his schedule will be demanding. Friday night is Rhy's show, hopefully I'll get a chance to meet up with Sandy for drinks before hand as we discussed and I guess Andy wants to come meet us also, we'll see on that. Saturday Gaia gets her sutures out and I am in desperate need of grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry at home so I'm sure I'll be pretty much home bound Saturday (nice, I'll take it) while Max has his first soccer game in Pueblo, luckily he can carpool. I can't afford the gas right now anyway!
Oh, I've recently discovered an enchanting band (courtesy of Rhy) named Devotchka. Can't really describe it, you have to hear it yourself....you can hear some influences, I hear a little Ween in there amongst others, but these guys are all their own sound. Gypsy meets indie? I dunno, but I love it and can't get enough which is good b/c alot of what is on the radio is crap. What was life like before iPods anyway? HA!
Check it out:
http://www.devotchka.net/
My personal current favorite from their first release:
Too Tired To Be In Love
Love to you all, more to post as it becomes available.
Xo,
S
Friday night was Sushi at Sa Sa's (mmmmmmmm, what a treat!) compliments of Mary & Howard for my birthday, yes it took us this long to make it finally happen. Between their schedule, mine and at least bouts of flu/cold/crud it took us over a month to arrange a time that worked best for all involved. It was well worth the wait, I've missed them so much! I also had THE most incredible martini, I may begin exploring gin martini's as it seemed smoother than my standard dirty vodka. I suppose it's like all things alcoholic, the higher the grade of poison, the better it tastes :) These were amazing though, soooo yummy!
After lots of laughing, catching up, amazing food and Max's incredibly brave attempts at trying each and every dish (this is the picky kid who doesn't let his food touch at home, but he seemed pretty open to the experience) we went home and Max crashed out, I ended up talking with Crys until 1 in the morning. We've also needed to catch up for some time and it was good to hear her voice, plus she is facing some painful personal situations in her life and I feel we needed to connect on that so I could fully gauge where she's at.
Saturday we FINALLY finished the nasty ghetto houses. Seriously, these places need to be condemned, torn down and be rebuilt as HUD homes for the area's population that can't afford to live in Arvada, but have most of their lives. In fact, two of the places actually ARE condemned. Scary stuff. Anyway, it's over and Kristen and I are officially in complete and utter appreciation for the lives we've been given. This experience was a wake up call for both of us, let's just put it that way. Considering where we've been and where we could be and where are now, life is damn good for two single mothers who had children when they were children themselves.
Saturday night Matty came over a few, we had some beers and chatted about life for a few. He seems good, steady. We like that. After he left, I watched movies for a bit, chatted with a friend from Kansas for a few and the couch became my bed after not to long. Which I slept like crap on, but that's ok....it was sleep.
Sunday, Max and I watched movies all day and ate chicken taquito's :) Yum. I ended it with "Gone Baby Gone" and have to tell you that while I think the premise of the story is fascinating AND the social quandaries posed in the story, some of it wasn't very well acted and I found the lead characters a little flat. Really, it could've been even more powerful than it was. Worth watching though for some people though. Was in bed by 9. Gaia is still isolated in my room and beginning to let me know that she's had it with all this nonsense, she keeps trying to rub on me with the nasty spot and it makes me cringe....but she's my kitty and I love her so she can pretty much do what she wants at this point. I spent a good half an hour with her on the floor last night with a feather from my red boa, good to see her getting back to her playful self.
This week promises more of the same business. Drs appointments, taxes to file, my own house to clean, big things going on at work and Max has CSAP/soccer this week which means his schedule will be demanding. Friday night is Rhy's show, hopefully I'll get a chance to meet up with Sandy for drinks before hand as we discussed and I guess Andy wants to come meet us also, we'll see on that. Saturday Gaia gets her sutures out and I am in desperate need of grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry at home so I'm sure I'll be pretty much home bound Saturday (nice, I'll take it) while Max has his first soccer game in Pueblo, luckily he can carpool. I can't afford the gas right now anyway!
Oh, I've recently discovered an enchanting band (courtesy of Rhy) named Devotchka. Can't really describe it, you have to hear it yourself....you can hear some influences, I hear a little Ween in there amongst others, but these guys are all their own sound. Gypsy meets indie? I dunno, but I love it and can't get enough which is good b/c alot of what is on the radio is crap. What was life like before iPods anyway? HA!
Check it out:
http://www.devotchka.net/
My personal current favorite from their first release:
Too Tired To Be In Love
Love to you all, more to post as it becomes available.
Xo,
S
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Those Days Still Come & Go
Yesterday was a bad Chance day. They are about 90% gone for the most part, thank goodness and I'm not totally sure what sparks them, but every now and then I find myself feeling the pangs of ego and aches of betrayal. Most notable, are the feelings of total humiliation, shame and self-loathing I feel for my own role in the scenario and how it will be affecting me for many many years to come. I feel incredibly stupid, beyond stupid.....it's hard to explain. And it is still very difficult for me to understand his actions, or lack thereof I should say. Does he have no conscious? I'm sure he's justified stealing the bike and not paying for it in his mind somehow. He's justified quitting his job so he wouldn't have to pay the money he owed for all the bounced checks he wrote to me. I'm sure he's somehow written off stealing from Max. "It's just an XBox!" I can hear him saying. But it's not really, it's some shady ass behavior if you ask me. Max was an innocent in this scenario, but Chance was never able to fully reconcile that with himself. Last night, I had this absolutely HORRID revelation that I had suspected Chance's eye was wandering early in 2007, which was after a particularly bad period between us in which I did talk to him about moving out and that I wasn't sure the relationship was working. Of course, his response was that he was sorry, he loved me, and wanted it all so badly and that he would try and I agreed to try again as well. The irony was, that it was shortly after this promise of renewed dedication and love in my direction, was about the time I began to suspect him of cheating. I convinced myself he would never do that, because I truly did trust him (at the time) in that regard. Out of all the men I've dated in my life, Chance was the ONE guy I would never thought would actually do something like that. There are many things I didn't think he would do that he did in the end and that is where the lingering feelings of betrayal come into play. Trust can be a fragile thing and while I know that both of us were on unhappy in the end and it was time to end the relationship (a good 6 - 9 months before we actually did) I feel that the situation was handled extremely poorly and doubt I will ever see any kind of effort on his part to take responsibility for the financial effects his choices have had on my family. Again, it's hard for me to understand how someone can simply just walk away from the ones commitments in such a manner and never look back or even make an attempt to reconcile the situation. To me, it speaks volumes about where he's at in his mind and it's quite sad really, he's still very much a small child in a rapidly aging mans body.
When I think of the manipulations, that I can now see...it's pretty horrifying. I remembering a situation with his mother, fairly early in our relationship, where he was trying to talk her into buying a VERY expensive bicycle for him. She resisted, he persisted. I remember feeling uneasy about what I was seeing, how it seemed he was trying to wear her down and actually threw something of a fit when she finally put her foot down and said no. Like a spoiled little boy. I sort of dismissed it later, remember, I was MADLY in love with this man at one point. Wildly, madly and ridiculously in love and love is beyond blind. This kind of love is the kind that makes you do some pretty dumb shit, at least I did. Little did I know that it wouldn't be long before I would be the target of this same kind of manipulation and let me tell you, I now realize that Chance spent many many months, close to 6 or more, wearing me down in more than one way. Emotionally, physically and mentally....by the Spring of 2007. I was very literally exhausted by him and the entire situation occurring in my home. Then he began badgering me about co-signing on the bike. I told him out rightly that I didn't want to do it. He persisted. And persisted. And persisted more for a good 2 months. What a total and complete fool I was and I assure you, if my mind had been clearer, I would've been able to clearly give him the boot. I can now see that he contributed immensely to my lack of clarity at the time. I could just kick myself now, because it was about this time last year that things were getting really difficult at home with him and it was at about this time that he began to really put the pressure on about the bike. He was, in essence, manipulating me in every possible way he could think of to get his way. Ranging from total love and adoration to withdrawing and with-holding love completely from me and being incredibly cold, basically implying that I didn't love him if I didn't help him, etc.
It his pattern, as I understand it. This kind of thing has been going on with his mother for years and other friends as well. In essence, he is a con man. A shyster. And for all his talk of love and respect for women, I truly wonder if he's more of a misogynist than a lover of females. He see's the women in his life as objects, as a means to end and that's about it. He plays a good game at first, but in the end, he ends up screwing over everyone he's involved with. And how I fell for it, I do not know. I wish I could blame it on being young and naive, but I cannot. I was 28 when I met Chance and a single mother all that time, I should have known better. I certainly do now, that's for certain.
Sigh.
Luckily, I rarely find myself in this headspace any more. More so, I find myself finally acknowledging that I feel a sense of hollowness internally, that a part of me has died. Perhaps it was the idealist in me, the girl who trusted too easily and gave too much always because that is all I've ever known. That girl believed, that basically, all people are good in their hearts. I still believe that, but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't totally cynical in ways I never imagined and the idea of ever becoming involved with anyone again on a romantic level is totally unthinkable to me. Truly, like I can't even fathom the concept of putting energy into another person. Which makes me a little sad because I love being in love and I believe I have alot to offer, but I've grown into a place of comfortable acceptance that I may spend the remainder of my life single and happily so.
The positive outcomes of this relationship and it's related scenario's are many. I finally realized just how strong I really am and that not one single person on this planet has the right to look down upon me, make me feel inferior or less than and that I won't take being treated with anything less than respect from anyone from this point forward. It took getting beat to shit (again, funny how that works out? Maybe I'm the misogynist?) to really get it that my ability to endure pain and loss is extremely high, to see my value and worth and to come to terms with a lot of crap I have about men. Which, I will likely be working on for the rest of my life in some manner. Bottom line really is that this experience has made me a much stronger, more self confident and capable woman. Certainly my self esteem has suffered, I mean it's been pretty intense and there are some results from this situation that I have to deal with (i.e, weight, eating like shit and drinking too much) that are having an effect on me still. But I figure that will all come with time, I'm getting there. It took me 3 years to get to the place I'm at now, it's going to take some time to elevate rather than deviate.
It is encouraging to me that I continue to take lessons from this experience, that I continue to find new revelations. I don't feel particularly bitter really, I have days trust me. But mostly, I think I am mending about to be as expected. My goal is to take from this and move on, continue to live my life the best that I can. And while I've needed some time to process and be in solitude for my own purposes, I continue to feel myself beginning to put my feelers back out to the world and life again. One thing for sure that I've learned from this whole thing is that the moment I excepted responsibility for my own happiness and growth was the same moment I began to feel alive again. I no longer feel alone in this world, because I feel wholly loved by God and The Universe and my cat and my dear dear friends and family and of course Max. But mostly, I'm finally starting to love myself again and that's a good place to be. Forgiveness of one's self seems to be the hardest and most energy consuming, but I'm getting there:)
When I think of the manipulations, that I can now see...it's pretty horrifying. I remembering a situation with his mother, fairly early in our relationship, where he was trying to talk her into buying a VERY expensive bicycle for him. She resisted, he persisted. I remember feeling uneasy about what I was seeing, how it seemed he was trying to wear her down and actually threw something of a fit when she finally put her foot down and said no. Like a spoiled little boy. I sort of dismissed it later, remember, I was MADLY in love with this man at one point. Wildly, madly and ridiculously in love and love is beyond blind. This kind of love is the kind that makes you do some pretty dumb shit, at least I did. Little did I know that it wouldn't be long before I would be the target of this same kind of manipulation and let me tell you, I now realize that Chance spent many many months, close to 6 or more, wearing me down in more than one way. Emotionally, physically and mentally....by the Spring of 2007. I was very literally exhausted by him and the entire situation occurring in my home. Then he began badgering me about co-signing on the bike. I told him out rightly that I didn't want to do it. He persisted. And persisted. And persisted more for a good 2 months. What a total and complete fool I was and I assure you, if my mind had been clearer, I would've been able to clearly give him the boot. I can now see that he contributed immensely to my lack of clarity at the time. I could just kick myself now, because it was about this time last year that things were getting really difficult at home with him and it was at about this time that he began to really put the pressure on about the bike. He was, in essence, manipulating me in every possible way he could think of to get his way. Ranging from total love and adoration to withdrawing and with-holding love completely from me and being incredibly cold, basically implying that I didn't love him if I didn't help him, etc.
It his pattern, as I understand it. This kind of thing has been going on with his mother for years and other friends as well. In essence, he is a con man. A shyster. And for all his talk of love and respect for women, I truly wonder if he's more of a misogynist than a lover of females. He see's the women in his life as objects, as a means to end and that's about it. He plays a good game at first, but in the end, he ends up screwing over everyone he's involved with. And how I fell for it, I do not know. I wish I could blame it on being young and naive, but I cannot. I was 28 when I met Chance and a single mother all that time, I should have known better. I certainly do now, that's for certain.
Sigh.
Luckily, I rarely find myself in this headspace any more. More so, I find myself finally acknowledging that I feel a sense of hollowness internally, that a part of me has died. Perhaps it was the idealist in me, the girl who trusted too easily and gave too much always because that is all I've ever known. That girl believed, that basically, all people are good in their hearts. I still believe that, but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't totally cynical in ways I never imagined and the idea of ever becoming involved with anyone again on a romantic level is totally unthinkable to me. Truly, like I can't even fathom the concept of putting energy into another person. Which makes me a little sad because I love being in love and I believe I have alot to offer, but I've grown into a place of comfortable acceptance that I may spend the remainder of my life single and happily so.
The positive outcomes of this relationship and it's related scenario's are many. I finally realized just how strong I really am and that not one single person on this planet has the right to look down upon me, make me feel inferior or less than and that I won't take being treated with anything less than respect from anyone from this point forward. It took getting beat to shit (again, funny how that works out? Maybe I'm the misogynist?) to really get it that my ability to endure pain and loss is extremely high, to see my value and worth and to come to terms with a lot of crap I have about men. Which, I will likely be working on for the rest of my life in some manner. Bottom line really is that this experience has made me a much stronger, more self confident and capable woman. Certainly my self esteem has suffered, I mean it's been pretty intense and there are some results from this situation that I have to deal with (i.e, weight, eating like shit and drinking too much) that are having an effect on me still. But I figure that will all come with time, I'm getting there. It took me 3 years to get to the place I'm at now, it's going to take some time to elevate rather than deviate.
It is encouraging to me that I continue to take lessons from this experience, that I continue to find new revelations. I don't feel particularly bitter really, I have days trust me. But mostly, I think I am mending about to be as expected. My goal is to take from this and move on, continue to live my life the best that I can. And while I've needed some time to process and be in solitude for my own purposes, I continue to feel myself beginning to put my feelers back out to the world and life again. One thing for sure that I've learned from this whole thing is that the moment I excepted responsibility for my own happiness and growth was the same moment I began to feel alive again. I no longer feel alone in this world, because I feel wholly loved by God and The Universe and my cat and my dear dear friends and family and of course Max. But mostly, I'm finally starting to love myself again and that's a good place to be. Forgiveness of one's self seems to be the hardest and most energy consuming, but I'm getting there:)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Thank you, whoever you are:)
Dedicated to the black Toyota Tacoma that graciously allowed me over at a moments notice when a huge semi came barreling down the highway and began veering into my lane as he passed me today. I don't know who you are, but I absolutely must openly thank you because you may very well have saved someones life today.
Takes a sec to load.....FYI
http://www.spike.com/video/2667771
Takes a sec to load.....FYI
http://www.spike.com/video/2667771
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Gaia Kitty Update
I am happy to report that thanks to some much needed assistance from Crystal and Dane, Gaia was able to have the procedure she needed yesterday to address the abscess wound issue and she is on the mend. She is heavily medicated of course, and isolated from the family (as I think she prefers at the moment) for the next few days, but she is expected to make a full recovery. The wound has a drain in it to help alleviate pressure and drain the infection. The antibiotics are already making a huge difference and her fever has subsided. She came through the surgery and being anestitized just fine, the vet said she had no problems waking up and came through the entire procedure as well as can be expected. Gaia will have a big yucky wound for a while, but she's going to be ok.
I can't thank Crystal and Dane enough, as I keep telling them, thank you's only mean so much. Thanking them really doesn't express my gratitude. Gaia is safe and getting healthy now, which is a huge relief and for that, I am truly greatful to them for helping us out with this emergency situation.
I'm off now to wipe the drool from Gaia's cute little mouth, the pain medication makes her drool really bad. It's pretty humorous and now that Gaia is safe, I can kind of giggle at the big clown collar she's got around her neck and the drooling :)
I can't thank Crystal and Dane enough, as I keep telling them, thank you's only mean so much. Thanking them really doesn't express my gratitude. Gaia is safe and getting healthy now, which is a huge relief and for that, I am truly greatful to them for helping us out with this emergency situation.
I'm off now to wipe the drool from Gaia's cute little mouth, the pain medication makes her drool really bad. It's pretty humorous and now that Gaia is safe, I can kind of giggle at the big clown collar she's got around her neck and the drooling :)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Day The Won't End!
This feels like the day that never ends. Work was less than pleasant and I got a frantic phone call from Max saying that Gaia had puss leaking out all over on her back and she was very cranky and wouldn’t let Max get near her, hiding under a chair and hissing. Gaia has an attitude, that’s for certain, but this is definitely not normal.
I come home and find a cat that clearly needs to go to the vet immediately. I think to myself, when was the last time I even saw Gaia eat or drink or use the litter box? I than realize she was in the same spot as she was this morning when I left for work and looked visibly in pain.
I call the vet frantically and they say they have no appointments, but I can bring her in to the kitty ER for $100.00 up front, no billing allowed for ER visits. I didn’t have a choice. Gaia gets wrapped up into towel and I try to think of what could’ve happened. She was out all day on Tuesday and after I thought it, she came in Tuesday afternoon and I really hadn’t seen her much since then. She’s obviously been in some kind of brawl or got into something, thus the puss. We get her to the vet, they take her back immediately and Max and I sit down to wait. I fill out paper work and wait some more.
30 mins later, vet comes out to announce that Gaia has a large abscess, most likely some kind of puncture wound that we didn’t catch in the past that had become infected. Wondering if this was the same spot she’d gotten bitten on late last year that I thought had healed up perfectly fine, there’s been no open wound or anything creepy except a small patch of skin that appeared to be missing some fur. I figured it just wasn’t growing back or something and she’s been acting perfectly fine, high energy etc, I would’ve had no reason to believe that there was anything wrong with her.
Vet says Gaia is going to need anesthetic, heavy antibiotic treatment and they would need to irrigate the wound to ensure they get all the bacteria out. I think ok, let’s do it! She says, ok, it’s going to be about $500. I began to cry uncontrollably. I asked them if they could work out a payment plan or something, she said they could take my application for Pet Insurance and if I qualified that would pay for it and then I would pay them back each month.
I knew they wouldn’t approve me, but I tried anyway. Within 10 mins of submitting my application, the answer was obviously no and guess why? Because I have a freaking repossession now on my record. Guess what folks, that’s basically credit murder and guess WHY I have repossession on my credit? Yeah, well we all know the story. Freaking jerk. This was my first real taste of what life will be like without access to any kind of credit. I had a moment of sheer rage toward you know who, feeling all the years of my hard work to establish my credit and get my life together all shot to shit over selfish assholes inability to be responsible or even try to rectify his choices. I can’t dwell on WHY things are the way they are now….but for brief moment I thought to myself, if my cat dies because I couldn’t get the credit I needed to save her life, it is one more innocent life affected by Chance’s super shitty choices and I am the one left holding the bill and the responsibility of all of it.....my plan for forgiveness may take longer than expected.
Vet said without the pet insurance, there was nothing they could do. She found some pain medication and antibiotics that are left over from other pets who’d passed away while in pet hospice and that was about the best she could do for today. They gave me phone #’s of lots of places who might be able to work with me. I called them all, 4 different places in the Denver Metro area who provide pet care for low income families and NOT ONE OF THEM will cut me a break. I make too much money. Isn’t that a bitch? I am a single, working mother who is lucky to see a dime out of her baby’s daddy and was left about $20k in debt by a man who claimed to love her but walked away without ever looking back. Yes, I am bitter today at myself for making some ridiculously stupid decisions and at these asshole men for being born without a conscious. Cowards. Max and I have suffered enough, this feels like icing on the cake and you may wonder why I am going there…but let me tell you something, I’ve worked my ass off to build a life for my son and myself and pulled myself up out of debt before. All that work, is gone. Nothing. Means nothing. And when I need it the most, I have no resources to fall back on. None. And this a vet bill. Not even the worst possible scenario. Though, the idea of my cat dying a preventable death feels like a pretty awful scenario.
Wow.
Besides the guilt that OBVIOULSY I must be the worst kitty mommy that ever existed because of this wound and my not realizing it was anything serious at all, I am now faced with a choice. I can get behind on my mortgage (from which I would never catch up) OR I can basically allow my cat to die a slow painful death. Or I can take her to the animal shelter and they’ll euthanize her, which is absurd because this is totally treatable and survivable. It’s not like she has terminal cancer or something. She’s got an abscessed wound from a cat or dog fight, it happens all the time. It could be something older, it could’ve happened in the past week. Vet said it was probably pretty recent, if it was anything older than a few weeks should’ve been sick a long time ago. The idea of putting Gaia to sleep is not thinkable to me. Gaia is 2.5 years old. A baby in kitty years. Some choice.
And the worst part is, I’ve got about 3 days to figure it out because that’s about how much pain medication and antibiotics I have.
I am slammed at work, I have to finish cleaning the apartment on Saturday.
I’ve cried a lot, I needed to vent. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. I feel kind of angry at the moment, probably b/c this the first real instance in which I needed emergency credit and there’s no access to and I’m broke. I just paid up all my bills, I’m all caught up on everything. But I can’t come up with the money to cover my cats vet bills.
Sigh. At least Gaia is comfortable for tonight. She’s all drugged up, the pain medication they gave her is pretty strong. She’s eating and drinking water and we have her isolated, which suits her just fine at the moment from what I can tell. She even looked me in the eye as I got her all set up, I promised her she would be ok. I hope I can live up to that promise. I have another pain medication injection to give her at midnight so she can sleep tonight. She’s such a sweet cat, really brave I think because I’m this has been bugging her for a while and we didn’t even know. It would be really great if someone would come up with the ability for our pets to communicate with us dumb ass humans now, thanks. Appreciate that!
I come home and find a cat that clearly needs to go to the vet immediately. I think to myself, when was the last time I even saw Gaia eat or drink or use the litter box? I than realize she was in the same spot as she was this morning when I left for work and looked visibly in pain.
I call the vet frantically and they say they have no appointments, but I can bring her in to the kitty ER for $100.00 up front, no billing allowed for ER visits. I didn’t have a choice. Gaia gets wrapped up into towel and I try to think of what could’ve happened. She was out all day on Tuesday and after I thought it, she came in Tuesday afternoon and I really hadn’t seen her much since then. She’s obviously been in some kind of brawl or got into something, thus the puss. We get her to the vet, they take her back immediately and Max and I sit down to wait. I fill out paper work and wait some more.
30 mins later, vet comes out to announce that Gaia has a large abscess, most likely some kind of puncture wound that we didn’t catch in the past that had become infected. Wondering if this was the same spot she’d gotten bitten on late last year that I thought had healed up perfectly fine, there’s been no open wound or anything creepy except a small patch of skin that appeared to be missing some fur. I figured it just wasn’t growing back or something and she’s been acting perfectly fine, high energy etc, I would’ve had no reason to believe that there was anything wrong with her.
Vet says Gaia is going to need anesthetic, heavy antibiotic treatment and they would need to irrigate the wound to ensure they get all the bacteria out. I think ok, let’s do it! She says, ok, it’s going to be about $500. I began to cry uncontrollably. I asked them if they could work out a payment plan or something, she said they could take my application for Pet Insurance and if I qualified that would pay for it and then I would pay them back each month.
I knew they wouldn’t approve me, but I tried anyway. Within 10 mins of submitting my application, the answer was obviously no and guess why? Because I have a freaking repossession now on my record. Guess what folks, that’s basically credit murder and guess WHY I have repossession on my credit? Yeah, well we all know the story. Freaking jerk. This was my first real taste of what life will be like without access to any kind of credit. I had a moment of sheer rage toward you know who, feeling all the years of my hard work to establish my credit and get my life together all shot to shit over selfish assholes inability to be responsible or even try to rectify his choices. I can’t dwell on WHY things are the way they are now….but for brief moment I thought to myself, if my cat dies because I couldn’t get the credit I needed to save her life, it is one more innocent life affected by Chance’s super shitty choices and I am the one left holding the bill and the responsibility of all of it.....my plan for forgiveness may take longer than expected.
Vet said without the pet insurance, there was nothing they could do. She found some pain medication and antibiotics that are left over from other pets who’d passed away while in pet hospice and that was about the best she could do for today. They gave me phone #’s of lots of places who might be able to work with me. I called them all, 4 different places in the Denver Metro area who provide pet care for low income families and NOT ONE OF THEM will cut me a break. I make too much money. Isn’t that a bitch? I am a single, working mother who is lucky to see a dime out of her baby’s daddy and was left about $20k in debt by a man who claimed to love her but walked away without ever looking back. Yes, I am bitter today at myself for making some ridiculously stupid decisions and at these asshole men for being born without a conscious. Cowards. Max and I have suffered enough, this feels like icing on the cake and you may wonder why I am going there…but let me tell you something, I’ve worked my ass off to build a life for my son and myself and pulled myself up out of debt before. All that work, is gone. Nothing. Means nothing. And when I need it the most, I have no resources to fall back on. None. And this a vet bill. Not even the worst possible scenario. Though, the idea of my cat dying a preventable death feels like a pretty awful scenario.
Wow.
Besides the guilt that OBVIOULSY I must be the worst kitty mommy that ever existed because of this wound and my not realizing it was anything serious at all, I am now faced with a choice. I can get behind on my mortgage (from which I would never catch up) OR I can basically allow my cat to die a slow painful death. Or I can take her to the animal shelter and they’ll euthanize her, which is absurd because this is totally treatable and survivable. It’s not like she has terminal cancer or something. She’s got an abscessed wound from a cat or dog fight, it happens all the time. It could be something older, it could’ve happened in the past week. Vet said it was probably pretty recent, if it was anything older than a few weeks should’ve been sick a long time ago. The idea of putting Gaia to sleep is not thinkable to me. Gaia is 2.5 years old. A baby in kitty years. Some choice.
And the worst part is, I’ve got about 3 days to figure it out because that’s about how much pain medication and antibiotics I have.
I am slammed at work, I have to finish cleaning the apartment on Saturday.
I’ve cried a lot, I needed to vent. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. I feel kind of angry at the moment, probably b/c this the first real instance in which I needed emergency credit and there’s no access to and I’m broke. I just paid up all my bills, I’m all caught up on everything. But I can’t come up with the money to cover my cats vet bills.
Sigh. At least Gaia is comfortable for tonight. She’s all drugged up, the pain medication they gave her is pretty strong. She’s eating and drinking water and we have her isolated, which suits her just fine at the moment from what I can tell. She even looked me in the eye as I got her all set up, I promised her she would be ok. I hope I can live up to that promise. I have another pain medication injection to give her at midnight so she can sleep tonight. She’s such a sweet cat, really brave I think because I’m this has been bugging her for a while and we didn’t even know. It would be really great if someone would come up with the ability for our pets to communicate with us dumb ass humans now, thanks. Appreciate that!
Kate Bush - This Woman's Work
Dedicated to the incredible strength and perserverance of the women in my life who continue to inspire, motivate and amaze me. I honestly don't have the words when I think of what I've seen the woman in my life overcome, all that they have accomplished or are accomplishing, the tears and laughter we've shared. Kate Bush somehow brings this all to life in this song for me, it emotes the passion and love we share with the world and the pain we are able to endure.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Funkalicious
Mmmm, tired this morning. Really tired, my body aches and I feel like someone beat the living crap out of me. But it's all in the name of progress. I received an offer this weekend to clean two apartments with Kristen after the former tenants moved out for a fair amount and I would have been a fool to pass it up! So, I spent a good portion of my weekend performing physical labor I haven't experienced the likes of for a considerable amount of time. These homes are atrocious, to say the least and we are only about 1/3 of the way. But we made a good dent and there is something gratifying about tackling these projects.
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Whole Week And No Blogg? For Shame!
I've not been particularly motivated to write recently. Or not the energy to do so I suppose. It's been pretty busy this week, wrapping up contract work and looking for that second job. Work and running errands and life too, don't forget about LIFE outside of the every day mainstream stuff. Which mostly consists of alot sleeping, reading and avoiding my phone which STILL blows up all day long because of you know who. Oh well. But, I'll at least a few moments to update on items of interest to me:
- Today I booked reservations to WA in June 2008. THIS is probably the most eventful and positively exciting thing to come around in a while. I've been in a great mood ever since I clicked "Purchase Now!" and received the confirmation for my tickets. Happy happy sigh:) I am also excited cuz Mss Sweet P will be here in March for a long weekend and Crys is talking long weekend later in the year, just her. I am not sure how much my poor heart can take!
- Today I also said goodbye to Rhy, I am saddened by this but am happy for him. I am confident we will remain friends outside of work, but I will miss seeing him each day. He brings a certain amount of clarity and happiness to my daily world and I've appreciated him greatly for that. He became a very close male friend to me, one who is very much able to be both impartial and partial with me. It's nice to have an objective person who adores you but can still tell you how it is (from their perspective) and it's been nice to share a close bond with a male that did not feel complicated or otherwise confusing. Plus, I will miss our sushi dates. We had one final hoorah at a place up the street we like (Whhhooooa nelly, the unagi was slammin'!) and I got hugs from him and Margaret and that was that. His cube is bare and I can definably already sense the sadness of those he managed. He's a fantastic employee and his team will suffer from his departure, there is now doubt about it. PDC is definitely going to notice his absence, that's for sure.
- I finished up my contract job and my client scared up another $100 for me at the last minute as a way to let me know she appreciated my efforts. That was most excellent, I must say. It is affirming to have ones work acknowledged, appreciated and recognized.
- I landed an early hour paper route. I am supposed to start March 10th. I may have bitten off more than I can chew on this one and luckily still have the option to back out. I have to be at the delivery center by 4:00 am, which is about 20 mins from my house and have the entire route finished by 5:30 AM. This means I will be up at about 3:15 AM. So if I am lucky, I'll get about 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night AND this is EVERY day. It's not just like Monday - Friday, it's 7 days a week. I am still mulling it over, the pay is decent and it's something Max could help me out with but I have visions of myself in a zombie like state in less than a month of this kind of schedule. We'll see. Plus, the idea of not even having one day off from this sounds a little overwhelming. I may have already talked myself out of it, I'm not sure.
- Recently, I've rediscovered the Indigo Girls. While I've always liked what I'd heard on the radio, I never took the time to really explore their music. Until now. And I'm happy that I did, I find myself intensely moved by the lyrics, harmonies and acoustic guitar. These women are in love with their craft and it is clear in every single song I've heard thus far. I have a hard time getting through a lot of their songs without crying, sometimes so much so that I arrive in the land of the "Ugly Cry" and my nose runs and eyes get red and everything. They have opened a virtual flood gate of emotion for me and it's affected me on a level I've not felt in a long long time. Feeling that fire of passion again, it's pretty exhilarating. Some of it is painful, alot of it is actually. But I feel that like alot of the art, literature and music I've come across in the past several months, it has come to me during this time in my life to actively play a part in each emotional breakthrough.
- One song in particular that pulls all this really intense stuff out of me is "Prince Of Darkness." To me it is a song about how must make real effort to keep ourselves in the light with so much darkness that surrounds us, waiting to gobble us up. It reminds me to stay strong and try to remember how lucky I am to be here AND how loved we all truly are.
You can listen to it here:
http://www.last.fm/music/Indigo+Girls/_/Prince+of+Darkness
and the lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/indigogirls/princeofdarkness.html
I would encourage you to take a listen if you don't know it, it could perhaps help me to share with others how strongly these songs move and me and why.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Slightly Foul - But NOt For Much Longer
I've been slightly foul this week. In a funky funk. Sadly, anxiety and depression are real things and don't simply dissipate because one wills it so. Between the 2 weeks of upper respitory/sinus/ear infection; coming to terms with some hard realities and attempting to work and parent a teenager in the midst of it all, I'm a touch worn down. I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made.....whoa, 80's flashback. :) Anyway, yeah...I'm a little wiped out, but I tell ya, not anything I can't handle because one thing I've learned how to manage in this past year of rollercoaster rides is how to keep my head on (mostly) straight in the midst of challenge. Remaining calm is pretty critical, I have to say b/c when I get overly excited it's not good and my heart races and Max get's all whacked out from that energy and my work suffers also. So, I have to be on the level yo.
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Book Food
The challenge:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
- Eat, Pray, Love
Elizabeth Gilbert
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Pray-Love-Everything-Indonesia/dp/0670034711
Quite possibley one of my favorite books of all time, I am reading it right now for the 2nd time in 6 weeks. I am essentially obsessed and having a mad love affair with this book and intend to until I find whatever it is that I'm looking for that keeps driving me back to it. This was the first book I'd ever read that said, as explicity as I've always believed about fundamental truths being written on our heart. - The Time Travelers Wife
Audrey Niffenegger
http://www.amazon.com/Time-Travelers-Wife-Audrey-Niffenegger/dp/015602943X
Changed my entire perspective about the concept of love and how it transcends time and personal experience. - Blue Shoe
Anne Lamott
http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Shoe-Anne-Lamott/dp/1573223425
I love Anne, she rocks. - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Mark Haddon
http://www.amazon.com/Curious-Incident-Night-Time-Today-Show/dp/0385512104
Fascinating story narrated by a young autistic boy. - When The Messenger Is Hot
Elizabeth Crane
http://www.amazon.com/When-Messenger-Hot-Elizabeth-Crane/dp/0316608467
Pretty hip chick lit. Each short story reads like a novel, thoroughly detailed and captivating. - Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
Sharon Salzberg
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590301870/ref=pd_cp_b_0?pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1570621764&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0JKZ27ESBC5QJSBNWG6F
I think this is a must read, no matter what your spiritual beliefs. The author is Buddhist and does visit Buddhist teachings throughout the book, but I do not believe the intent to educate users on Buddhism, rather to share concepts that we can all relate to within. The meditative practice described in this book stems from the Metta form of meditation and I think it's something anyone can practice and incorporate into their lives daily. If I were only so good doing so myself! - The Prophet
Kahil Gibran
http://www.amazon.com/Prophet-Kahlil-Gibran/dp/0394404289
Kahil Gibran is something you must experience, it's not something that can be defined by another person. I beleive this book to be a personal experience, but one I would highly recommend.
A good beginning I'd say.....
Acceptance Or Apathy, I'm Not Sure
It's been a rough few days, emotionally. I don't really have the energy to rehash it,so I thought I'd share part of an email thread between myself and Mary, which I guess sort of wraps up where things are at the moment.
Anyway, from last night:
I've reached a sort of agreement with myself and the Universe about these situations in my life. Yes, this thing with Chance and Sean, these ARE unfair things. No one would or even could deny this as fact. But this changes nothing. I am still accountable for my roles in these scenario's. I still must do the 'right' thing and just move on from it., fair, just or not.
I'm at the point where I just can't put any more energy into allowing these things to effect me and sort of finally got it, that yeah...I can bitch and complain and point out to the world the realities that this is all a lot of bullshit, but it means nothing. These men, they will never get a clue or be held accountable. I just have to suck it up and be a big girl. Second job, working 60 hours a week and putting Max in the position of having to do more than is fair (this isn't new obviously for him) or not. My only real residual rage about this is the time it's taking away from my family, my son who is rapidly approaching manhood and I feel pissed that I might miss out on this. But if we want to keep this house and afford him the lifestyle he's used to (however pitiful) I have no choice and ultimately, I do this for Max. If I didn't care, we'd loose our house and the nice things we have and move into some shitty place and live like welfare babies. I can't do that to him again .
I feel like this sounds very martyr like - I want you to know it's not like that for me. It's an epiphany of sorts. I just know I'm done sitting around and waiting for these assholes to give me permission to make my (and my sons) life happen, like they are some how going to finally get it. Like Chance will suddenly come up w/ the money to take this off my shoulders and Max's dad will get a clue and realize that my finances are always devoted to paying for our son and how stupid that makes him, but that won't happen. I am the one who gets it, not them, and it's just time for me to move on with it. Plus, I've wallowed in some lame ass self pity and depression for almost a year of my life and there is no one alive that is worth that. Not Chance, not Sean, no one.
Wah wah.
This may sound negative, but it's not. Not really. I think I've just come to terms with what reality is and I know I must take the nessisary steps to rectify my current situation, certainley no one else can fix it for me, right?
Mary, of course, had some very powerful insight and her response at least gave me the knowledge that I'm not just giving in or up, just going to a different place emotionally on things and where you mind sits has EVERYTHING to do with outcomes that's for sure.
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Rant On The Trials & Tribulations Of Child Support And Absent Fathers
Certainly, there is little room for me to throw stones, curse or otherwise harbor resentment toward the father of my child. I have long since forgiven him for beating me, trying to infect me with whatever random disease he may have gotten from the many other women he slept with on a regular basis without protection or his utter lack of responsibility for his own actions from the brief life we shared together. Many moons ago, I took all that hate and rage and anger that wrestled around within me for this man and cast it out like the nasty little demon he was. Cast it all right out of my heart and forgave this man for all the scars, bruises and emotional agony I endured during and after my relationship with him.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
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