This feels like the day that never ends. Work was less than pleasant and I got a frantic phone call from Max saying that Gaia had puss leaking out all over on her back and she was very cranky and wouldn’t let Max get near her, hiding under a chair and hissing. Gaia has an attitude, that’s for certain, but this is definitely not normal.
I come home and find a cat that clearly needs to go to the vet immediately. I think to myself, when was the last time I even saw Gaia eat or drink or use the litter box? I than realize she was in the same spot as she was this morning when I left for work and looked visibly in pain.
I call the vet frantically and they say they have no appointments, but I can bring her in to the kitty ER for $100.00 up front, no billing allowed for ER visits. I didn’t have a choice. Gaia gets wrapped up into towel and I try to think of what could’ve happened. She was out all day on Tuesday and after I thought it, she came in Tuesday afternoon and I really hadn’t seen her much since then. She’s obviously been in some kind of brawl or got into something, thus the puss. We get her to the vet, they take her back immediately and Max and I sit down to wait. I fill out paper work and wait some more.
30 mins later, vet comes out to announce that Gaia has a large abscess, most likely some kind of puncture wound that we didn’t catch in the past that had become infected. Wondering if this was the same spot she’d gotten bitten on late last year that I thought had healed up perfectly fine, there’s been no open wound or anything creepy except a small patch of skin that appeared to be missing some fur. I figured it just wasn’t growing back or something and she’s been acting perfectly fine, high energy etc, I would’ve had no reason to believe that there was anything wrong with her.
Vet says Gaia is going to need anesthetic, heavy antibiotic treatment and they would need to irrigate the wound to ensure they get all the bacteria out. I think ok, let’s do it! She says, ok, it’s going to be about $500. I began to cry uncontrollably. I asked them if they could work out a payment plan or something, she said they could take my application for Pet Insurance and if I qualified that would pay for it and then I would pay them back each month.
I knew they wouldn’t approve me, but I tried anyway. Within 10 mins of submitting my application, the answer was obviously no and guess why? Because I have a freaking repossession now on my record. Guess what folks, that’s basically credit murder and guess WHY I have repossession on my credit? Yeah, well we all know the story. Freaking jerk. This was my first real taste of what life will be like without access to any kind of credit. I had a moment of sheer rage toward you know who, feeling all the years of my hard work to establish my credit and get my life together all shot to shit over selfish assholes inability to be responsible or even try to rectify his choices. I can’t dwell on WHY things are the way they are now….but for brief moment I thought to myself, if my cat dies because I couldn’t get the credit I needed to save her life, it is one more innocent life affected by Chance’s super shitty choices and I am the one left holding the bill and the responsibility of all of it.....my plan for forgiveness may take longer than expected.
Vet said without the pet insurance, there was nothing they could do. She found some pain medication and antibiotics that are left over from other pets who’d passed away while in pet hospice and that was about the best she could do for today. They gave me phone #’s of lots of places who might be able to work with me. I called them all, 4 different places in the Denver Metro area who provide pet care for low income families and NOT ONE OF THEM will cut me a break. I make too much money. Isn’t that a bitch? I am a single, working mother who is lucky to see a dime out of her baby’s daddy and was left about $20k in debt by a man who claimed to love her but walked away without ever looking back. Yes, I am bitter today at myself for making some ridiculously stupid decisions and at these asshole men for being born without a conscious. Cowards. Max and I have suffered enough, this feels like icing on the cake and you may wonder why I am going there…but let me tell you something, I’ve worked my ass off to build a life for my son and myself and pulled myself up out of debt before. All that work, is gone. Nothing. Means nothing. And when I need it the most, I have no resources to fall back on. None. And this a vet bill. Not even the worst possible scenario. Though, the idea of my cat dying a preventable death feels like a pretty awful scenario.
Wow.
Besides the guilt that OBVIOULSY I must be the worst kitty mommy that ever existed because of this wound and my not realizing it was anything serious at all, I am now faced with a choice. I can get behind on my mortgage (from which I would never catch up) OR I can basically allow my cat to die a slow painful death. Or I can take her to the animal shelter and they’ll euthanize her, which is absurd because this is totally treatable and survivable. It’s not like she has terminal cancer or something. She’s got an abscessed wound from a cat or dog fight, it happens all the time. It could be something older, it could’ve happened in the past week. Vet said it was probably pretty recent, if it was anything older than a few weeks should’ve been sick a long time ago. The idea of putting Gaia to sleep is not thinkable to me. Gaia is 2.5 years old. A baby in kitty years. Some choice.
And the worst part is, I’ve got about 3 days to figure it out because that’s about how much pain medication and antibiotics I have.
I am slammed at work, I have to finish cleaning the apartment on Saturday.
I’ve cried a lot, I needed to vent. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. I feel kind of angry at the moment, probably b/c this the first real instance in which I needed emergency credit and there’s no access to and I’m broke. I just paid up all my bills, I’m all caught up on everything. But I can’t come up with the money to cover my cats vet bills.
Sigh. At least Gaia is comfortable for tonight. She’s all drugged up, the pain medication they gave her is pretty strong. She’s eating and drinking water and we have her isolated, which suits her just fine at the moment from what I can tell. She even looked me in the eye as I got her all set up, I promised her she would be ok. I hope I can live up to that promise. I have another pain medication injection to give her at midnight so she can sleep tonight. She’s such a sweet cat, really brave I think because I’m this has been bugging her for a while and we didn’t even know. It would be really great if someone would come up with the ability for our pets to communicate with us dumb ass humans now, thanks. Appreciate that!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Kate Bush - This Woman's Work
Dedicated to the incredible strength and perserverance of the women in my life who continue to inspire, motivate and amaze me. I honestly don't have the words when I think of what I've seen the woman in my life overcome, all that they have accomplished or are accomplishing, the tears and laughter we've shared. Kate Bush somehow brings this all to life in this song for me, it emotes the passion and love we share with the world and the pain we are able to endure.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I love you all.
Peck, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Funkalicious
Mmmm, tired this morning. Really tired, my body aches and I feel like someone beat the living crap out of me. But it's all in the name of progress. I received an offer this weekend to clean two apartments with Kristen after the former tenants moved out for a fair amount and I would have been a fool to pass it up! So, I spent a good portion of my weekend performing physical labor I haven't experienced the likes of for a considerable amount of time. These homes are atrocious, to say the least and we are only about 1/3 of the way. But we made a good dent and there is something gratifying about tackling these projects.
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
I will spend this next week working with Kristen to get these jobs completed. I stand to be well compensated for hours of grueling work in a totally nasty environment. People actually lived in these houses, children. It's pretty upsetting actually. I am so grateful for what I have, my god. I am undeniabley blessed. So many in this world go without or don't have the knowledge to understand that allowing a bathroom to mold to that extent is a health hazard or that leaving an unsealed pound of hamburger in a refridgerator could kill you. Why this is, I don't know. Everyone should have access to this information.
Besides feeling so incredibly honored to have a beautiful home, the energy/money to keep it tidy and a child that isn't a destroyer by nature (mostly LOL), I was also reminded of how out of shape I am. My ankles still ache, my back feels like a pretzel and my arms are literally sore from all the scrubbing and heavy lifting. I am far too young to be this old and if I wasn't already motivated to do something about it, I feel it even more so now.
I am pretty sure that it's no coincidence that when one is ready, they are finally given the motivation to make changes in their lives. This past year I experienced a depression unlike any before it and certainly not anything like I've had in at least 5 years and before then only one other. I was flailing about, trying to save a relationship that was not only doomed to fail but in retrospect I was hanging on to out of my own fear (pashawwww, how I let that man control me!) and have since faced a plethora of challenges, betrayals, adversities and breakthroughs. Big big big stuff. I finally get it that I will be given what I need, when I need it. Funny how that works huh? Probably even more funny (to me) is that it's only taken me this long to accept and full embrace this, all the years I've fought it! Struggled. Swam against the tide. Letting all that go, just walking away from it....what a trip!
Maybe I should scrub out molded bathrooms and refridgerators more often? Perhaps I should consider scouring walls and flooors my therapy? I already do it at home. I'm telling ya, it's the little things! I will pass on the pretzel back though, if took a little less pressure off the front the back would probably be in a lot better shape! Though, I've grown fond of my little pouch. It's like an old friend to me now, I'll miss it. I will also miss the bootey I've got going, if there was a way I could be thinner everywhere else and keep the roundness of my butt as it currently exists, I'd be happy :) Some women achieve great things with booteys like this!
;-)
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Whole Week And No Blogg? For Shame!
I've not been particularly motivated to write recently. Or not the energy to do so I suppose. It's been pretty busy this week, wrapping up contract work and looking for that second job. Work and running errands and life too, don't forget about LIFE outside of the every day mainstream stuff. Which mostly consists of alot sleeping, reading and avoiding my phone which STILL blows up all day long because of you know who. Oh well. But, I'll at least a few moments to update on items of interest to me:
- Today I booked reservations to WA in June 2008. THIS is probably the most eventful and positively exciting thing to come around in a while. I've been in a great mood ever since I clicked "Purchase Now!" and received the confirmation for my tickets. Happy happy sigh:) I am also excited cuz Mss Sweet P will be here in March for a long weekend and Crys is talking long weekend later in the year, just her. I am not sure how much my poor heart can take!
- Today I also said goodbye to Rhy, I am saddened by this but am happy for him. I am confident we will remain friends outside of work, but I will miss seeing him each day. He brings a certain amount of clarity and happiness to my daily world and I've appreciated him greatly for that. He became a very close male friend to me, one who is very much able to be both impartial and partial with me. It's nice to have an objective person who adores you but can still tell you how it is (from their perspective) and it's been nice to share a close bond with a male that did not feel complicated or otherwise confusing. Plus, I will miss our sushi dates. We had one final hoorah at a place up the street we like (Whhhooooa nelly, the unagi was slammin'!) and I got hugs from him and Margaret and that was that. His cube is bare and I can definably already sense the sadness of those he managed. He's a fantastic employee and his team will suffer from his departure, there is now doubt about it. PDC is definitely going to notice his absence, that's for sure.
- I finished up my contract job and my client scared up another $100 for me at the last minute as a way to let me know she appreciated my efforts. That was most excellent, I must say. It is affirming to have ones work acknowledged, appreciated and recognized.
- I landed an early hour paper route. I am supposed to start March 10th. I may have bitten off more than I can chew on this one and luckily still have the option to back out. I have to be at the delivery center by 4:00 am, which is about 20 mins from my house and have the entire route finished by 5:30 AM. This means I will be up at about 3:15 AM. So if I am lucky, I'll get about 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night AND this is EVERY day. It's not just like Monday - Friday, it's 7 days a week. I am still mulling it over, the pay is decent and it's something Max could help me out with but I have visions of myself in a zombie like state in less than a month of this kind of schedule. We'll see. Plus, the idea of not even having one day off from this sounds a little overwhelming. I may have already talked myself out of it, I'm not sure.
- Recently, I've rediscovered the Indigo Girls. While I've always liked what I'd heard on the radio, I never took the time to really explore their music. Until now. And I'm happy that I did, I find myself intensely moved by the lyrics, harmonies and acoustic guitar. These women are in love with their craft and it is clear in every single song I've heard thus far. I have a hard time getting through a lot of their songs without crying, sometimes so much so that I arrive in the land of the "Ugly Cry" and my nose runs and eyes get red and everything. They have opened a virtual flood gate of emotion for me and it's affected me on a level I've not felt in a long long time. Feeling that fire of passion again, it's pretty exhilarating. Some of it is painful, alot of it is actually. But I feel that like alot of the art, literature and music I've come across in the past several months, it has come to me during this time in my life to actively play a part in each emotional breakthrough.
- One song in particular that pulls all this really intense stuff out of me is "Prince Of Darkness." To me it is a song about how must make real effort to keep ourselves in the light with so much darkness that surrounds us, waiting to gobble us up. It reminds me to stay strong and try to remember how lucky I am to be here AND how loved we all truly are.
You can listen to it here:
http://www.last.fm/music/Indigo+Girls/_/Prince+of+Darkness
and the lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/indigogirls/princeofdarkness.html
I would encourage you to take a listen if you don't know it, it could perhaps help me to share with others how strongly these songs move and me and why.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Slightly Foul - But NOt For Much Longer
I've been slightly foul this week. In a funky funk. Sadly, anxiety and depression are real things and don't simply dissipate because one wills it so. Between the 2 weeks of upper respitory/sinus/ear infection; coming to terms with some hard realities and attempting to work and parent a teenager in the midst of it all, I'm a touch worn down. I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made.....whoa, 80's flashback. :) Anyway, yeah...I'm a little wiped out, but I tell ya, not anything I can't handle because one thing I've learned how to manage in this past year of rollercoaster rides is how to keep my head on (mostly) straight in the midst of challenge. Remaining calm is pretty critical, I have to say b/c when I get overly excited it's not good and my heart races and Max get's all whacked out from that energy and my work suffers also. So, I have to be on the level yo.
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
One might wonder what it is that helps keep a girl on such a level? Strange, I know....but I clean and clean and clean my house. Top to bottom, organize, scrub, shine and wax. I vacuum cob webs and wash walls and open up all the windows even if it's cold. I listen to my iPod and drink cheap beer and boogy with my broom. I shoo the critters off to other rooms (i.e....6 foot tall teenager who follows me around, 1 gorgeous yet grumpy ass cat who cusses when 'gently' prodded to move out of the way off the stair case and 1 puppy who insists on being under foot especially if I am any where near the kitchen) and make it clear that I'm cleaning and should be left alone. I am, what is commonly known as a periodic Type A personality. Or manic, I'm not sure. I attack my house like it's the enemy and it comes out sparkling and making me feel on the level. I'm no dummy either, I no exactly why I do this. Because it's an activity that is completely within my control and I can equally control the results. It's something I can do to make my life feel a little more sane, a little more "normalized" and I love love LOVE the feeling of freshly cleaned home. It is a simple pleasure I enjoy tremendously. Plus, it sort of lets me tune out my life for half a day and focus the things in my life that are incredible. My family, my home, the fact that my body is still able to work and feel the reward of physical activity. For 4 or 5 hours, I can just totally exist in my own insanity...sometimes it's mindless and I don't even realize I'm doing it and sometimes I have great intent and focus; either way it's strangely meditative for me.
Most people think I'm a total whacko. I know, I get that and trust me, I don't always go into this mode and approach cleaning my house like it's the best thing I've done in months. Nope, but today....I'm excited to get home and get moving. In one hour I will leave work, drop by the store to stock up on a few cleaning products (vinegar, it's your best friend - seriously!) and go home to an afternoon of existing in my own bliss. I will not hear my phone, the dog can bark and Max can give me the stink eye all he wants. I will be absorbed in my moment of clarity, however brief it might be and simply be happy. Plus, it's a good work out...can't go wrong there.
I took half a day off to go do my thing and catch up on my life for the day. Then I have FINALLY reached the end stages of this contract job and will finish that up tomorrow. Sunday, I will be outside playing with the critters and taking naps.
I should be a new woman by Monday!
WOOP WOOP
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Book Food
The challenge:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
This blog entry is intended to serve as an ongoing 'must read' list. My hope is that you, loyal reader, will particpate in populating this list so that we may share the literature that moves us with one another.
I will update regularly, so please be sure to bookmark this particular blog entry for future reference should you be interested.
Sarah's Recommendations:
- Eat, Pray, Love
Elizabeth Gilbert
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Pray-Love-Everything-Indonesia/dp/0670034711
Quite possibley one of my favorite books of all time, I am reading it right now for the 2nd time in 6 weeks. I am essentially obsessed and having a mad love affair with this book and intend to until I find whatever it is that I'm looking for that keeps driving me back to it. This was the first book I'd ever read that said, as explicity as I've always believed about fundamental truths being written on our heart. - The Time Travelers Wife
Audrey Niffenegger
http://www.amazon.com/Time-Travelers-Wife-Audrey-Niffenegger/dp/015602943X
Changed my entire perspective about the concept of love and how it transcends time and personal experience. - Blue Shoe
Anne Lamott
http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Shoe-Anne-Lamott/dp/1573223425
I love Anne, she rocks. - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Mark Haddon
http://www.amazon.com/Curious-Incident-Night-Time-Today-Show/dp/0385512104
Fascinating story narrated by a young autistic boy. - When The Messenger Is Hot
Elizabeth Crane
http://www.amazon.com/When-Messenger-Hot-Elizabeth-Crane/dp/0316608467
Pretty hip chick lit. Each short story reads like a novel, thoroughly detailed and captivating. - Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
Sharon Salzberg
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590301870/ref=pd_cp_b_0?pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1570621764&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0JKZ27ESBC5QJSBNWG6F
I think this is a must read, no matter what your spiritual beliefs. The author is Buddhist and does visit Buddhist teachings throughout the book, but I do not believe the intent to educate users on Buddhism, rather to share concepts that we can all relate to within. The meditative practice described in this book stems from the Metta form of meditation and I think it's something anyone can practice and incorporate into their lives daily. If I were only so good doing so myself! - The Prophet
Kahil Gibran
http://www.amazon.com/Prophet-Kahlil-Gibran/dp/0394404289
Kahil Gibran is something you must experience, it's not something that can be defined by another person. I beleive this book to be a personal experience, but one I would highly recommend.
A good beginning I'd say.....
Acceptance Or Apathy, I'm Not Sure
It's been a rough few days, emotionally. I don't really have the energy to rehash it,so I thought I'd share part of an email thread between myself and Mary, which I guess sort of wraps up where things are at the moment.
Anyway, from last night:
I've reached a sort of agreement with myself and the Universe about these situations in my life. Yes, this thing with Chance and Sean, these ARE unfair things. No one would or even could deny this as fact. But this changes nothing. I am still accountable for my roles in these scenario's. I still must do the 'right' thing and just move on from it., fair, just or not.
I'm at the point where I just can't put any more energy into allowing these things to effect me and sort of finally got it, that yeah...I can bitch and complain and point out to the world the realities that this is all a lot of bullshit, but it means nothing. These men, they will never get a clue or be held accountable. I just have to suck it up and be a big girl. Second job, working 60 hours a week and putting Max in the position of having to do more than is fair (this isn't new obviously for him) or not. My only real residual rage about this is the time it's taking away from my family, my son who is rapidly approaching manhood and I feel pissed that I might miss out on this. But if we want to keep this house and afford him the lifestyle he's used to (however pitiful) I have no choice and ultimately, I do this for Max. If I didn't care, we'd loose our house and the nice things we have and move into some shitty place and live like welfare babies. I can't do that to him again .
I feel like this sounds very martyr like - I want you to know it's not like that for me. It's an epiphany of sorts. I just know I'm done sitting around and waiting for these assholes to give me permission to make my (and my sons) life happen, like they are some how going to finally get it. Like Chance will suddenly come up w/ the money to take this off my shoulders and Max's dad will get a clue and realize that my finances are always devoted to paying for our son and how stupid that makes him, but that won't happen. I am the one who gets it, not them, and it's just time for me to move on with it. Plus, I've wallowed in some lame ass self pity and depression for almost a year of my life and there is no one alive that is worth that. Not Chance, not Sean, no one.
Wah wah.
This may sound negative, but it's not. Not really. I think I've just come to terms with what reality is and I know I must take the nessisary steps to rectify my current situation, certainley no one else can fix it for me, right?
Mary, of course, had some very powerful insight and her response at least gave me the knowledge that I'm not just giving in or up, just going to a different place emotionally on things and where you mind sits has EVERYTHING to do with outcomes that's for sure.
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Rant On The Trials & Tribulations Of Child Support And Absent Fathers
Certainly, there is little room for me to throw stones, curse or otherwise harbor resentment toward the father of my child. I have long since forgiven him for beating me, trying to infect me with whatever random disease he may have gotten from the many other women he slept with on a regular basis without protection or his utter lack of responsibility for his own actions from the brief life we shared together. Many moons ago, I took all that hate and rage and anger that wrestled around within me for this man and cast it out like the nasty little demon he was. Cast it all right out of my heart and forgave this man for all the scars, bruises and emotional agony I endured during and after my relationship with him.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
However, I have not forgiven him for the effect his lack of responsibility, infantile behavior and any visible signs of remorse has had on our son. To say that this person is a thorn in my side would be accurate. He's like healing scab. Once an open, festering wound, now just an irritating reminder of what once was. To say that he is a variable thorn bush in Max's side would be an understatement. Max has been the one to suffer from Sean's utter lack of ability to contribute, in any tangible way to the health and well being of his own child. Yet, Sean would argue quite the opposite if given a willing ear. He would rave about all the money that Max and I cost him for the 1 year that Max was an infant and I was still too weak and incapable to leave him. He would claim that it was MY choice to take Max (if you calling almost being murdered in front of your 1 year old son a choice when considering leaving your boyfriend, yeah ok sure) and leave him and come back to Colorado and that I stole his only son. He would tell anyone that would listen how I am only out to 'scam' him out of money and that's all I've ever been about. He would preach about what a cruel, heartless bitch I am for 'keeping' his child from him all these years and a long slew of other things I probably can't even think of or care to know about. These are just the things I am aware of.
That's funny, because last I checked I'd been raising this child by myself since the age of 18 and never even asked him for a dime until 2 years ago when I was finally able to establish real contact with him and he had a stable address. I am also quite certain that I've never done even one thing to withhold Max from Sean, ever. Oh, except fleeing San Francisco with my 15 month old baby and 3 bags of clothing/toys in the hopes that I could create a life where Max wasn't going to see his parents strung out on drugs and his mom getting the living shit beat out of her by his father, which as we all know ends up in mostly bad ways. Duh, now I CAN see how Sean would take that as my trying to 'keep' Max from him. Of course he would, because he's an abuser and abusers have this sense of insane justice about the world and their ego's are almost as large, or larger than their rather vivid and wild imaginations. So, in Sean's world....yes, I am a raging, money grubbing gold digger and I literally stole Max right out from underneath him. Yep, walked away in the middle of the night.....like some secret baby ninja, out to steal HIS only child. It's a great perspective, gives Sean all the power to play the victim and makes ME out to be the bad guy. And the best part, is this way he never ever EVER has to be accountable for his actions then, or in the 15 years since. Woooweeee, doesn't that work out nicely for him? Very nice if you ask me.
Never mind that Sean hardly ever lifted a finger to help raise his infant son when we DID live with him, never mind the fact that since his father has been relatively missing except for the occasional "blow in like a tornado and stir things up" episode and never mind the fact really, I would never ask him for jack squat if he wanted to just disappear out of our lives for ever, that would probably be just fine with me. I only went after him for child support because he's suddenly claiming he wants to be involved in Max's life, have a 'relationship' etc..... This of course, is only if it's totally convenient for Sean. Like, you know....Max gets chauffeured to him in Wyoming, on HIS terms, when HE has time. And this would absolutely mean not EVER having to pay one red penny in child support because he's not really Max's 'dad' - they are just 'getting to know each other' etc.
Do I sound frustrated, maybe a little bitter? It's because I am. Not because I've struggled over half of my life to make ends meet (at some point just trying to survive) and be the best mother and person I can be while working at least one full time job, maintaining a household and striving desperately to gain some sense of myself. I've never felt regret for having to do this on my own because it is a journey for both Max AND myself and he is as pivotal to my life experience as I am to his.
I am not bitter toward this man for my journey, nor would I change even one step along the way. I am enraged because this man is neglecting my child. For each month he opts NOT to pay child support, it makes life harder on us and my stress level goes up. For each time he makes some half-assed move to actually be something, kind of sort of like a father to Max, it almost always ends up in heart break and disappointment for Max. I'm pissed off as hell that Sean doesn't see the value in trying to support his own child and I know in my heart of hearts, he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him by asking for $300 measly freaking dollars a month. YOU ASSHOLE! Is your fragile little ego still so broken that you don't realize that your hurting Max when you think your hurting me? Damn you Sean. Damn you for inflicting suffering on an a total innocent in the situation. I don't' know if I can ever, ever forgive you for that. Ever. Your soul will bare the burden for the rest of your life Max's emotional outcomes from this, but I will be the one to hold his hand and dry his tears and take the blame for everything difficult in his life until he's able to realize that he does actually have two biological parents. But, as we all know, having sex and creating a baby with another person does not a parent make. If you think your lack of involvement doesn't get to him, you are wrong. Some days I want to scream and cry and throw a fit for him because I have a pretty good sense of what he's feeling right now. And let me tell you something, it hurts like bloody hell and I am furious with you for not doing more for this child who only wants an occasional phone call or god forbid that you actually pay the measly pittance of a child support order we've been given to help support him in some way. You really are a giant asshole. At least come up with a better excuse than you can't "afford" it right now? You can't afford $300 a month? And you have no rent of your own to pay and it's just you taking care of yourself. Are you kidding me? Not even in my most desperate times has Max gone without because I couldn't "afford" it. I will always be able to "afford" the one thing in my life that deserves to be afforded everything he needs and desires. Did I mention you really are an asshole? Name calling, I know, not very mature....but I don't feel very mature right now. I'm sick and tired of your whining and excuses. You've made a total of 2 whole child support payments in the 15 years Max has been alive, 2, that's it. You put Max and I through the humiliation of having to PROVE that Max is your child just to get a few hundred bucks out of you? What kind of message do you think that sends to Max? And now, your claiming that financial distress? I don't buy it. At all. I have never understood you, how you could be such a giant jerk to me through all these years and completely ignore your son and then feign surprise when I'm less than pleasant with you. Truly, the nerve of these men from my past is incomprehensible. Like it boggles the mind and the shear gall.
What doesn't boggle my mind is that we've made it this far without you and you really are pretty irrelevant at this point. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that Max and I've made it this far BECAUSE we've been without you. I can handle this with Max, I've been 'handling' it for a long long time now and we don't need your silly money OR for you to suddenly decide to become a father to Max. It's too late for a lot of that, he's almost a man Sean and in case you've forgotten....I vowed to never ever allow my son to be abused by you. And I absolutely will not allow it now.
I will never keep Max from you, if he wants to get to know you, fine. You know that. I've always allowed the visits as long as they were safe and I've given you as much opportunity as can be expected by a single mother in this position. But I don't have to take your abuse nor will I allow you to disappoint Max. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my anger toward you for what you've done to our son is ONLY surpassed by my love for our son and I've been given the insight and knowledge to know how to 'handle' things. I've put this all out to the Universe in the hopes that I may find further forgiveness for you. But, now I can also say that I pray that Max can some day forgive you. I do not envy you in this life time, you are facing a long long road with a child who's only wanted your love and attention. Let me also put this out there to Max:
Son, I love you more than life itself. I've dropped the ball myself through the years, I haven't always known what to do or how to approach every situation very well; but the light and love you bring to this world and to me is brighter and stronger than all of this hurt and pain and darkness that comes to us in this journey. You can't understand this now, but you will some day. I'm sure of it, and until then I'm going to be there. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me. This is what you've got and it may not always be enough, but it's more than a lot. I too am growing and getting stronger every day and you'd be amazed at what I can endure. Remember to be easy on yourself and some day, you'll learn to be easy on me and your dad too, even if you can never imagine that now. It's true. You'll find it in your heart to forgive him. And me too and when you do, it will free us both tremendously. I know that for sure. Love ya kid, you rock!
Rant over, sorry if this has been painful or offensive. I needed to get it out of me before it started to boil like one of those cartoon tea kettles that gets all red and explodes with steam pouring out. Now, I feel more able to move forward without myself, acting like a total asshole.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
They Don't Tell You This In The Maternity Ward
Kids are great, I adore them. Particularly between the ages of oh, 4 and 7 or so. Very cute, very funny and just old enough to have ALOT of fun with them and just young enough that they've not quite taken on the personality of a morose ogre living under a bridge, lamenting it's creator.
If the nurse had told me that the once sweet, kind, big blue eyed saint of a human that had just emerged from my body would some day become a conflicted, moody, demanding and arbitrarily defiant version of that same human, I might have asked her to put him back. But that's not how it works and alas, these ARE the growing pains of the many evolutions that occur in a single life time.
Max and I have grown through a lot together, we know each other on levels that not a single other person can understand. It is the bond you share with your children, it's a bond that doesn't exist with anyone else for the entire remainder of your life time once you are a) born b) become a mother. An immense novel like book could never clearly detail out what this love is and the intricate knowledge that we share of one another. And, with that knowledge comes times of both joy and discord between us. Love, has a way of doing that...emphasizing joy AND discord. Funny how that works.
Children, basically, want to be loved and adored I've learned. They really want to be mothered also, but like cats who will only allow cuddles on their terms, children of Max's age only want to be mothered on their terms. Which isn't always comfortable or at all convenient. Mothers, on the most simple level, only want for their children to be safe, healthy and happy.
But really, it's so much more complex than that and what I know to be true after raising a child for 15+ years is that the complexities shift based on personal growth, familial changes, external changes (work, etc.) and are also some how related to lunar cycles and planetary changes, or so I choose to believe as I often have no other explanation for it other that one of is about to transform into a werewolf at any moment.
What I've also learned, is that no matter how old you are, how much money you have, your social status, what kind of degree you have, how much experience you think you have or how spiritual your center may be....you WILL (I promise) make a lot of mistakes. And so will your kid(s) and ultimately, that is what life is about. Busting a knee cap, nursing it back to health and eye balling that wound for the rest of your life in the hopes that you don't do it again.
I've totally screwed some stuff up. Max has felt the repercussions of my choices off and on his entire life. After all, he didn't ASK to be born into this world and have me as his mother. Even if the Universe had other plans, this is what he got and I'm glad to have him even though he's not always so happy to have me. Thing is, in spite of my many faults, I do love him and I am here for him. I always have been, I may not always be 100% present for whatever reason, because my insides are convoluted and confused and often in pain...but I am here for him and I've worked hard to make a good life for him.
He may never be able to full understand these things, how we've struggled just to survive at various times in our lives. How I vowed he would never know what it was like to be beaten or hungry or humiliated or ignored. He will probably not know how I've agonized over trying to do every thing right and be a good mother for him so that he had least had a fighting chance in a world that will usually kick your ass first and then ask questions. About the years where all I did was work and take care of him and had absolutely no sense of self or time to discover who I was or what my purpose was and how that affects him now. Some days, I'm sure he wishes his life was a lot easier or that he had a different mother and probably really wishes he had a dad in his life. But he will never really know just how hard it can be. Not as long as he's with me anyway. And I am certain, that right now, as he's upstairs fuming and cussing me under his breathe over why I'm after him about maintaining basic grades, he cannot at all comprehend why I'm being so tough on him. Because he does not yet have the experience to truly fathom the love that mothers have for their children. Or human fallacy.
Poor kid, he's definitely got a few more bumps and bruises. But, I'll still be there to kiss them and help him up. Even if he doesn't want me or appreciate the person offering him a hand up. It's ok, it comes with time.
And really what he has to know, is that I will always love him...no matter what he does because he IS going to make some mistakes. We are going to disagree and I too, am going to royally screw stuff up and I've just accepted that and can appreciate my faults as an opportunity to face my fears and make great changes in my life when that opportunity makes itself clear.
But it doesn't mean I won't expect him to maintain a basic C average in school and it doesn't mean I won't expect him to pick up his room and it doesn't mean I will allow him to yell at his Momma, because it is NOT ok to yell at your Momma. Ever. Period.
If the nurse had told me that the once sweet, kind, big blue eyed saint of a human that had just emerged from my body would some day become a conflicted, moody, demanding and arbitrarily defiant version of that same human, I might have asked her to put him back. But that's not how it works and alas, these ARE the growing pains of the many evolutions that occur in a single life time.
Max and I have grown through a lot together, we know each other on levels that not a single other person can understand. It is the bond you share with your children, it's a bond that doesn't exist with anyone else for the entire remainder of your life time once you are a) born b) become a mother. An immense novel like book could never clearly detail out what this love is and the intricate knowledge that we share of one another. And, with that knowledge comes times of both joy and discord between us. Love, has a way of doing that...emphasizing joy AND discord. Funny how that works.
Children, basically, want to be loved and adored I've learned. They really want to be mothered also, but like cats who will only allow cuddles on their terms, children of Max's age only want to be mothered on their terms. Which isn't always comfortable or at all convenient. Mothers, on the most simple level, only want for their children to be safe, healthy and happy.
But really, it's so much more complex than that and what I know to be true after raising a child for 15+ years is that the complexities shift based on personal growth, familial changes, external changes (work, etc.) and are also some how related to lunar cycles and planetary changes, or so I choose to believe as I often have no other explanation for it other that one of is about to transform into a werewolf at any moment.
What I've also learned, is that no matter how old you are, how much money you have, your social status, what kind of degree you have, how much experience you think you have or how spiritual your center may be....you WILL (I promise) make a lot of mistakes. And so will your kid(s) and ultimately, that is what life is about. Busting a knee cap, nursing it back to health and eye balling that wound for the rest of your life in the hopes that you don't do it again.
I've totally screwed some stuff up. Max has felt the repercussions of my choices off and on his entire life. After all, he didn't ASK to be born into this world and have me as his mother. Even if the Universe had other plans, this is what he got and I'm glad to have him even though he's not always so happy to have me. Thing is, in spite of my many faults, I do love him and I am here for him. I always have been, I may not always be 100% present for whatever reason, because my insides are convoluted and confused and often in pain...but I am here for him and I've worked hard to make a good life for him.
He may never be able to full understand these things, how we've struggled just to survive at various times in our lives. How I vowed he would never know what it was like to be beaten or hungry or humiliated or ignored. He will probably not know how I've agonized over trying to do every thing right and be a good mother for him so that he had least had a fighting chance in a world that will usually kick your ass first and then ask questions. About the years where all I did was work and take care of him and had absolutely no sense of self or time to discover who I was or what my purpose was and how that affects him now. Some days, I'm sure he wishes his life was a lot easier or that he had a different mother and probably really wishes he had a dad in his life. But he will never really know just how hard it can be. Not as long as he's with me anyway. And I am certain, that right now, as he's upstairs fuming and cussing me under his breathe over why I'm after him about maintaining basic grades, he cannot at all comprehend why I'm being so tough on him. Because he does not yet have the experience to truly fathom the love that mothers have for their children. Or human fallacy.
Poor kid, he's definitely got a few more bumps and bruises. But, I'll still be there to kiss them and help him up. Even if he doesn't want me or appreciate the person offering him a hand up. It's ok, it comes with time.
And really what he has to know, is that I will always love him...no matter what he does because he IS going to make some mistakes. We are going to disagree and I too, am going to royally screw stuff up and I've just accepted that and can appreciate my faults as an opportunity to face my fears and make great changes in my life when that opportunity makes itself clear.
But it doesn't mean I won't expect him to maintain a basic C average in school and it doesn't mean I won't expect him to pick up his room and it doesn't mean I will allow him to yell at his Momma, because it is NOT ok to yell at your Momma. Ever. Period.
Obama Caucus
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/cocaucuscenter
Navigate to your state to find a local caucus center near you!
Navigate to your state to find a local caucus center near you!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wicked Good Fun!
This year, my birthday has quite possibley been the best in recent memory. I danced, I partied, I met a cute boy and I did a lot of eating and having fun with my dear friends and family. Tomorrow, we will wrap it up splendidly with Howard & Mary at Sushi Tazu in Cherry Creek. Oh la la!
I feel loved and happy and life is good. It's good to be me:)
Thank you to all of you who helped to make it special, I love you all!
I feel loved and happy and life is good. It's good to be me:)
Thank you to all of you who helped to make it special, I love you all!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Yola!
I have coined a new term and feeling quite pleased with myself about it:
Yo + Hola = Yola!
I like it, I'm keeping it.
It's almost birthday time, woopy woopy woop woop!
Yo + Hola = Yola!
I like it, I'm keeping it.
It's almost birthday time, woopy woopy woop woop!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Busy Busy
Update:
- Max is on the mend and we have visits schedule with the nephrology department at Children's for follow up on the results of his kidney work up. Biopsy may be in order at this point, though luckily for Max, they are not nearly as invasive as they once were. All done with lasers and stuff, so maybe he'll think it's kind of cool more than scary. He's had the flu or some kind of virus, really nasty actually. It started out really bad, with throwing up and high fever and then kind of went into this head cold/coughing thing and then got worse again on Tuesday with the throwing up. Poor kid, he's really been through the wringer this week.
- I think Max's crud has it out for me, trying to stare me down. I am fighting it off tooth and nail. I feel it, trying to creep on me and I'm not having it. No flu bugs for moi, thanks though.
- My contract work is about 65% complete, mostly what's left is tweaking the data entry forms and writing reports. I will be submitting that to the client tomorrow for 1st phase review.
- Work is mostly quiet, for this week anyway. Next week, I'll be busy I'm sure. Partly b/c I'm taking my birthday off that Friday and following Monday (yay me!) and my clients love to panic when I have time scheduled off, so they'll probably come up with 10 things extra for me to do before I'm out.
- I am actively planning my trip to WA in June 2008. To say that this idea makes me happy and gives me something exciting to look forward to is a total understatement. I think a vacation is totally in order dammit, it's been one hairy year on this side of the world. Time to go be where I am the happiest and with a group of people who make me equally as happy. It's unfortunate that half of my closest relationships are so far away, but fortunate that they are all in the same place, talk about efficient vacationing! I like it.
- As you all know, my birthday is next week. I finally, after all these years, had an epiphany about why my birthday makes me so happy. I always gotta show up for myself, you know what I mean? If I don't take the time to celebrate my own life and reflect on what I know now that I didn't know the year before, why should any one else? Birthdays really are only indicators of life experience and a damn good excuse to make a big fuss about myself and eat a special meal and party with my loved ones and make Max be extra nice to his Momma. Nothing wrong with taking a day or two out of the daily grind to recognize it all. It's not a bad deal if you ask me.
Till next time, xo's and peace ya'll
S
Monday, January 14, 2008
Doggeh Dilemma's
As many of you know, my dog is something of a handful. At the very least, she is not the kind of dog you can easily board or have spend a few days with friends for the following reasons:
a) Any other dogs within any vicinity, either real or imagined, is considered a threat and thus fair game for whining and squaloring fit to wake those in another dimension. Besides the before mentioned verbal ques that there is another dog looming about, other signs can (and probably will) consist of scratching at the door/reachable windows, pacing, low growling followed by high yips and furrowing of the upper brow in a display of extreme concern all in an attempt to try and 'warn' you that there is another dog outside and immediate attention is required. All forms of anxieties that I've learned to curtail or flat out ignore (I can't ALWAYS drop everything I am doing to tend to the emotional whims of my completely neurotic puppy) but not the type of behavior many boarders or my friends could tolerate.
b) Kasha's opinion of felines varies from day to day and theirs of her. Mostly, a sense of peace has been established between The Gaia Cat (Kasha's most formidable enemy initially) and Kasha has been established, but there are still days. For example, because Gaia has been bitten on the ass (literally) one too many times by the various families of foxes living in our neighborhood, she has learned to stay within a very small parameter of the house knows as the "Kitty Safety Zone." Which now consists of the route from the front door, through our front yard and the favored neighbors yard to the East, hurriedly through the parking lot and to the back of the house to be let in through the back door as quickly as possible if it is getting dark out or to perch on the fence and jump up on the roof our carport and bake in the sun. Basically though, the front yard (ours and the Eastern neighbors) are her hangouts. From here, Gaia can survey the entire neighborhood in either direction for two full city blocks and to the South directly in front of her for quite some distance. She is totally content with this, and the occasional bug chasing or grass eating. Gaia is thus allowed "out" totally on her own and without supervision, because she is a good little kitty and has deemed herself trustworthy (sans the 2 fox incidents, for which she has been forgiven) and capable of such responsibilities. Plus, she's particularly intelligent (even for a cat, who I believe to contain supernatural wisdoms) and can pretty much handle herself out in the world for several hours at a time.
Kasha, on the other hand, is completely untrustworthy and has proven this time and time again. She cannot be left unsupervised, ANYWHERE in the front yard or anywhere else really for that matter that is outside so she is kept mostly on leashes or otherwise restrained.
When Gaia comes in from her external, solitary excursions, Kasha naturally wants to sniff Gaia and then all hell breaks loose. Typically ending in Gaia perched on the 3rd stair up, tail pumped up to maximum density and one paw, ready to strike and she doesn't mess around when she's in that pose. Gaia is not a force to be reckoned with and it WILL hurt if she gets you like that, I think she sharpens her paws on flint or something. But Kasha just can't help her curious doggeh self and sometimes ends up with a sliced nose and yelping generally ensues after. Which then results in Max and I initially coddling the poor little tormented puppy, only to end up laughing and scolding her for messing with Gaia, because by now she should know better and Gaia isn't EVER going to let Kasha sniff her butt without a fight, no matter what. It just isn't in the stars.
But she doesn't learn and that's why Kasha can't really be trusted with cats. Other peoples cats specifically if she were going to be watched by someone. She wouldn't hurt them on purpose, I know that for sure....she's had many opportunities and yes, she'll chase them and yes, Kasha will pester any new cat until it's had enough and takes a good swat at her...but I've never seen her actually bite one. Still, many people might find her tactics troublesome and certainly, think of the poor kitty involved having to tolerate that? Not to mention, Gaia isn't the first bad ass cat I've met in my days. We've had a tom or two that would wrestle raccoons, hell, Pumpkin (sweet toothless ole gal that she is) used to pick fights with dogs and even KILLED a raccoon once, according to my mother. And for all Kasha's machismo, I'd wager a raccoon is far more fierce than Kasha is, even in her dreams where she's 8 foot tall and bullet proof.
c) Kasha's energy level can be extreme at times. She needs to be played with ALOT. Ideally, she needs to be walked ALOT and she requires a certain amount of attention that some may not be able to tolerate. She must sleep in the bed with you, she will want to be in your lap at most times when playing is not going on (unless it's the middle of summer) and she follows her humans every where they go. If I leave a room, she is immediately in tow. Especially to the kitchen. Oh and she begs, like she's never eaten a day in her life. She bounces, yelps, howls, still nips occasionally (though she FINALLY stopped doing it every time I came home, which was nice) and will try to get your feet under the covers if she thinks it's play time. If the bathroom door is open and you are in the bath, be prepared. She doesn't care if you are taking a bath....all she see's is running water. Somewhere in her mind, running water only exists as a play thing for her and it doesn't matter if it's coming out of the bath tub, the hose or spilling out of a glass. It's cause for IMMEDIATE attention. She groans, she moans, she yawns and talks alot. She's generally very verbal, VERY.
Kasha is my baby, she is precious to me and all of these things I find either absolutely gut-breakingly freaking hilarious or have learned to manage in our daily life. I like the spirit within her and mostly find her to be one of the sweetest dogs I've ever known, she adores me completely. What's not to like about that? Besides, did I mention that she makes me laugh so hard my guts hurt? I have my days, where she gets on my nerves. It's true. But I can handle it. She is, in essence, my baby and like all mothers, you over look those things about your children that others may not find as funny or endearing as you do.
The dilemma? What to do with her when I come to Washington? I can't afford to board her, that's for sure. That is, if they would even allow her to come. Alot of places will not accept dog aggressive dogs. I can't really ask any of my friends to take her because they either have cats or dogs or both and Kasha would wreak total havoc on their household for 10 days. I am willing to pay someone to come to my house, but it must be someone 100% trustworthy. Again, we are talking about my baby! And that would probably be ideal b/c then they can feed the cats and give everyone lovey's.
So, since I don't have a solution for this yet, I am petitioning the Universe for assistance in this matter formally. I am open to many suggestions, options and idea's. I am confident that a solution can be reached, I just don't know what that looks like. I plan to ask Kristen, as she would be my first choice and it is convenient because she is less than half a mile from me. I also realize she is quite inundated with her own family, life and animals that I tend to avoid asking her for huge favors, but this is one of those that I might have to ask of her because it is a pretty important trip to me.
Kasha is a great doggeh woggeh, to the right person, this can be managed efficiently. I am sure of it!
a) Any other dogs within any vicinity, either real or imagined, is considered a threat and thus fair game for whining and squaloring fit to wake those in another dimension. Besides the before mentioned verbal ques that there is another dog looming about, other signs can (and probably will) consist of scratching at the door/reachable windows, pacing, low growling followed by high yips and furrowing of the upper brow in a display of extreme concern all in an attempt to try and 'warn' you that there is another dog outside and immediate attention is required. All forms of anxieties that I've learned to curtail or flat out ignore (I can't ALWAYS drop everything I am doing to tend to the emotional whims of my completely neurotic puppy) but not the type of behavior many boarders or my friends could tolerate.
b) Kasha's opinion of felines varies from day to day and theirs of her. Mostly, a sense of peace has been established between The Gaia Cat (Kasha's most formidable enemy initially) and Kasha has been established, but there are still days. For example, because Gaia has been bitten on the ass (literally) one too many times by the various families of foxes living in our neighborhood, she has learned to stay within a very small parameter of the house knows as the "Kitty Safety Zone." Which now consists of the route from the front door, through our front yard and the favored neighbors yard to the East, hurriedly through the parking lot and to the back of the house to be let in through the back door as quickly as possible if it is getting dark out or to perch on the fence and jump up on the roof our carport and bake in the sun. Basically though, the front yard (ours and the Eastern neighbors) are her hangouts. From here, Gaia can survey the entire neighborhood in either direction for two full city blocks and to the South directly in front of her for quite some distance. She is totally content with this, and the occasional bug chasing or grass eating. Gaia is thus allowed "out" totally on her own and without supervision, because she is a good little kitty and has deemed herself trustworthy (sans the 2 fox incidents, for which she has been forgiven) and capable of such responsibilities. Plus, she's particularly intelligent (even for a cat, who I believe to contain supernatural wisdoms) and can pretty much handle herself out in the world for several hours at a time.
Kasha, on the other hand, is completely untrustworthy and has proven this time and time again. She cannot be left unsupervised, ANYWHERE in the front yard or anywhere else really for that matter that is outside so she is kept mostly on leashes or otherwise restrained.
When Gaia comes in from her external, solitary excursions, Kasha naturally wants to sniff Gaia and then all hell breaks loose. Typically ending in Gaia perched on the 3rd stair up, tail pumped up to maximum density and one paw, ready to strike and she doesn't mess around when she's in that pose. Gaia is not a force to be reckoned with and it WILL hurt if she gets you like that, I think she sharpens her paws on flint or something. But Kasha just can't help her curious doggeh self and sometimes ends up with a sliced nose and yelping generally ensues after. Which then results in Max and I initially coddling the poor little tormented puppy, only to end up laughing and scolding her for messing with Gaia, because by now she should know better and Gaia isn't EVER going to let Kasha sniff her butt without a fight, no matter what. It just isn't in the stars.
But she doesn't learn and that's why Kasha can't really be trusted with cats. Other peoples cats specifically if she were going to be watched by someone. She wouldn't hurt them on purpose, I know that for sure....she's had many opportunities and yes, she'll chase them and yes, Kasha will pester any new cat until it's had enough and takes a good swat at her...but I've never seen her actually bite one. Still, many people might find her tactics troublesome and certainly, think of the poor kitty involved having to tolerate that? Not to mention, Gaia isn't the first bad ass cat I've met in my days. We've had a tom or two that would wrestle raccoons, hell, Pumpkin (sweet toothless ole gal that she is) used to pick fights with dogs and even KILLED a raccoon once, according to my mother. And for all Kasha's machismo, I'd wager a raccoon is far more fierce than Kasha is, even in her dreams where she's 8 foot tall and bullet proof.
c) Kasha's energy level can be extreme at times. She needs to be played with ALOT. Ideally, she needs to be walked ALOT and she requires a certain amount of attention that some may not be able to tolerate. She must sleep in the bed with you, she will want to be in your lap at most times when playing is not going on (unless it's the middle of summer) and she follows her humans every where they go. If I leave a room, she is immediately in tow. Especially to the kitchen. Oh and she begs, like she's never eaten a day in her life. She bounces, yelps, howls, still nips occasionally (though she FINALLY stopped doing it every time I came home, which was nice) and will try to get your feet under the covers if she thinks it's play time. If the bathroom door is open and you are in the bath, be prepared. She doesn't care if you are taking a bath....all she see's is running water. Somewhere in her mind, running water only exists as a play thing for her and it doesn't matter if it's coming out of the bath tub, the hose or spilling out of a glass. It's cause for IMMEDIATE attention. She groans, she moans, she yawns and talks alot. She's generally very verbal, VERY.
Kasha is my baby, she is precious to me and all of these things I find either absolutely gut-breakingly freaking hilarious or have learned to manage in our daily life. I like the spirit within her and mostly find her to be one of the sweetest dogs I've ever known, she adores me completely. What's not to like about that? Besides, did I mention that she makes me laugh so hard my guts hurt? I have my days, where she gets on my nerves. It's true. But I can handle it. She is, in essence, my baby and like all mothers, you over look those things about your children that others may not find as funny or endearing as you do.
The dilemma? What to do with her when I come to Washington? I can't afford to board her, that's for sure. That is, if they would even allow her to come. Alot of places will not accept dog aggressive dogs. I can't really ask any of my friends to take her because they either have cats or dogs or both and Kasha would wreak total havoc on their household for 10 days. I am willing to pay someone to come to my house, but it must be someone 100% trustworthy. Again, we are talking about my baby! And that would probably be ideal b/c then they can feed the cats and give everyone lovey's.
So, since I don't have a solution for this yet, I am petitioning the Universe for assistance in this matter formally. I am open to many suggestions, options and idea's. I am confident that a solution can be reached, I just don't know what that looks like. I plan to ask Kristen, as she would be my first choice and it is convenient because she is less than half a mile from me. I also realize she is quite inundated with her own family, life and animals that I tend to avoid asking her for huge favors, but this is one of those that I might have to ask of her because it is a pretty important trip to me.
Kasha is a great doggeh woggeh, to the right person, this can be managed efficiently. I am sure of it!
Understandably Distracted
Pretty distracted this morning, Max has some medical things going on and it's always this feeling of hurry up and wait. Lab work takes time to process. I have a dinner tomorrow night and have to present my first version of my contract database by Friday afternoon. I'm supposed to be figuring school out and getting vacation plans figured out to WA.
The distraction is warranted I'd say and I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by it....just acknowledging it and letting it be what it is until it transitions into whatever is next.
I am currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. My Aunty MB recommended it months ago, which I did immediately put on hold at the 5 library branches in my county and still am not even close to having access to a copy for check out. Everyone wants it and I'm finding that if I really want to read a current book, I just have to buy it. Plus, I joined a book club in my area (woot woot) and it's the first book on our list. So, I had a number of reasons to spend the $16 on the book and have since fallen hard and fast for this author and her writing style, but mostly the wide ranging subject matter of the book itself. This author is hilarious and heart-breakingly authentic. I can now see why MB would say READ THIS NOW several months ago, because, in essence, this book describes much of the anxiety and pain and depression I had been feeling the latter half of 2007. In intricate, painful and gorgeous detail. I am about 3/4s of the way done. Thus far I have become completely enthralled by the descriptions of her pain, her travels, her experiences, her love and her loss and all the ways in which this woman finds glory and gratitude in the symbiotic relationships between her existence in this life time and the various spiritual realms she experiences. Ultimately, what I found in this book was the connection with someone out there that seemed to share such similar concepts as I about the spiritual path that was presented to her, her willingness to embark upon it in the first place and where her heart sits within it all. The journey is never over, the opportunity for further growth is literally right in front of us every day.
It's good stuff. It makes me very happy, it will be something I read again I am sure.
I'm not sure what's next, we'll see how the book club goes :)
More details on Max as they become available, love to you all.
S
The distraction is warranted I'd say and I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed by it....just acknowledging it and letting it be what it is until it transitions into whatever is next.
I am currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. My Aunty MB recommended it months ago, which I did immediately put on hold at the 5 library branches in my county and still am not even close to having access to a copy for check out. Everyone wants it and I'm finding that if I really want to read a current book, I just have to buy it. Plus, I joined a book club in my area (woot woot) and it's the first book on our list. So, I had a number of reasons to spend the $16 on the book and have since fallen hard and fast for this author and her writing style, but mostly the wide ranging subject matter of the book itself. This author is hilarious and heart-breakingly authentic. I can now see why MB would say READ THIS NOW several months ago, because, in essence, this book describes much of the anxiety and pain and depression I had been feeling the latter half of 2007. In intricate, painful and gorgeous detail. I am about 3/4s of the way done. Thus far I have become completely enthralled by the descriptions of her pain, her travels, her experiences, her love and her loss and all the ways in which this woman finds glory and gratitude in the symbiotic relationships between her existence in this life time and the various spiritual realms she experiences. Ultimately, what I found in this book was the connection with someone out there that seemed to share such similar concepts as I about the spiritual path that was presented to her, her willingness to embark upon it in the first place and where her heart sits within it all. The journey is never over, the opportunity for further growth is literally right in front of us every day.
It's good stuff. It makes me very happy, it will be something I read again I am sure.
I'm not sure what's next, we'll see how the book club goes :)
More details on Max as they become available, love to you all.
S
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Random Thoughts
- Salad with mega doses of crunchy, raw vegetables and plastic forks don't play well together.
- I also finally, after 30+ years of really really trying, have decided that I just don't like raw broccoli. I like it cooked just fine, with some salt or lemon...but I've crinkled my nose for the last time at the sourness of it raw. It may just be, the first vegetable I've declared not to like in some capacity, but I am feeling ok with it. Sorry broccoli, we can no longer be meet over my salad bowl.
- I've recently discovered a new love: "Cuties", they are the ideal 'desk' food as they peel easy, aren't overly juicy (thus avoiding mass stickiness and keyboard/mouse activity) and are extra, extra good for you. Oh and they taste good too, and curb those nasty 3 PM sugar cravings.
- Dammit, I really should call my Grandma Barbie. I keep forgetting. She gets worried when it's more than a month with no word, the last email I got was rather threatening and entailed my getting a 'whoppin'.' I won't reminder that I've been easily 8" taller than here since I was 13 and that she never actually spanked me, but gave me a few raps over the knuckles with that awful wooden spoon as a youngster; but that I forgive her for that. I will also remind myself that Grandmothers love (and agonize over) their grandchildren like no other and there must be a special place in the after life for bad little girls who don't call, write and/or update them regularly.
- Hillary cried on national television. I can't decide how I feel about it except to say that no matter what I think, alot of people willl see it as a weakness. As an avid fan of crying myself, I know how it can be misconstrued by those who witness it.
- Mitt Romney annoys me, but McCain scares me a little. I am not holding my breathe yet, but 6 months from now should be a damn interesting time in American history.
- I wish my body would just pick a size and be it, I'm in between sizes (again) so it's either I am very close to wearing my favorite jeans with the cute shirt, or.....not. I think it's safe to assume that hormones having something to do with that. FREAKING HORMONES!
- Off for now....
Monday, January 07, 2008
I've fallen in love!
If it's possible to do so, I've fallen in love with my brand new vacuum cleaner. Tonight, I was finally able to really have fun with it. I'd put it together and used it briefly over the high traffic area's, but using it on the stairs and in all the area's that are perpetually covered with black, white/brown and orange (at least 3 different shades) of fur was more fun than one person should have with a vacuum cleaner. Oh and my hair (this is kind of wierd) attaches itself in odd places. Like seeds. Ha, Tree Fruit Seeds! Anyway, when it is long, I find it clinging to the carpet. Like little blonde leache. They don't just come out, you have to pull on them. Yank them out like weeds! They ATTACH themselves to the carpet, my car seats, clothes, other peoples clothes who might ride in my car OR they have been known to secure them selves into other people's car seats, jackets or hoodies if I where them. Which I always hear about later if someone happens upon them, I think it's hillarious. Not everyone thinks it's as hillarious as I do.
So, anyway, the vacuum, it's good. It has all these neat attachments that reach really far and I don't have to break my back to vacuum my stairs (all 4 flights) and when I vacuum, it ACTUALLY works! Wow, what a concept? And, it doesn't have that smell that vacuums you've had in your house for years with multiple animals have. AND....it's bagless (and won't get that smell can u can sanitize it), so I can actually see all the dirt whirling around in there and then when you turn it off, it settles down at the bottom and you CAN DUMP it out. Right then and there, it doesn't sit in the vacuum and get all nasty and build up dander and other creepy who knows what's? How cool is that?
Really, I haven't been this fascinated by a piece of machinery for some time. Partly, becuase it's pretty neat how everything is designed to make the vacuum-ers life a whole helluva lot easier (which is a mega score for me), but you can actually see it all, how it works on the inside. Perhaps I really am a mechanical nerd and just didn't know it yet?
Ok and I guess I like the feeling like my carpet is getting really clean. I am not like some maniachly anal clean freak, but I like my house to be at least tidy, neat and sanitary. And when you have animals, it doesn't take long for a house to get a little 'ripe' if you know what I mean. Not that I mind ripe nessisarly, but for me, it's not something I can deal with over time. So the bagless vacuum helps in that way too, is pretty cool.
Another thing I've fallen in love with? My favorite flannel sheets. Again :) I love flannel things. It shows my age, why? Cuz I am a child of the late 80's and early 90's when flannel was KING and dammit there was a good reason. a) It keeps you warm, but layers nicely. b) It comes an assortment of colors, blues/greens/reds/purples/white/reds....not bad colors to wrap yourself in, c) I feel I am in THE most secure, warm, comfortable and loving place on the earth when I get into bed at night AND finally (the best part) c) It's SO SOFT. Good flannel is soft like peach skin, a little fuzzy but not too much so that it's creepy AND good flannel doesn't fade over washings. It doesn't ball up in fuzzies, it doesn't get thread bare (unless it's 20 years old, then of course, that happens) and it always fades in color, but never in comfort :)
So, flannel things and I are friends. It's snowy, cold and wintery outside. I'm going to read on my flannel sheets.
Until next time, cheers wicked cool vacuum cleaners and comfy,sleep-the-best-nights-sleep-ever flannel sheets! Oh...and also cheers my friend who will remain nameless who is coming in late March for more good times and lots of smiles, hugs and smooches! YEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWW!
So, anyway, the vacuum, it's good. It has all these neat attachments that reach really far and I don't have to break my back to vacuum my stairs (all 4 flights) and when I vacuum, it ACTUALLY works! Wow, what a concept? And, it doesn't have that smell that vacuums you've had in your house for years with multiple animals have. AND....it's bagless (and won't get that smell can u can sanitize it), so I can actually see all the dirt whirling around in there and then when you turn it off, it settles down at the bottom and you CAN DUMP it out. Right then and there, it doesn't sit in the vacuum and get all nasty and build up dander and other creepy who knows what's? How cool is that?
Really, I haven't been this fascinated by a piece of machinery for some time. Partly, becuase it's pretty neat how everything is designed to make the vacuum-ers life a whole helluva lot easier (which is a mega score for me), but you can actually see it all, how it works on the inside. Perhaps I really am a mechanical nerd and just didn't know it yet?
Ok and I guess I like the feeling like my carpet is getting really clean. I am not like some maniachly anal clean freak, but I like my house to be at least tidy, neat and sanitary. And when you have animals, it doesn't take long for a house to get a little 'ripe' if you know what I mean. Not that I mind ripe nessisarly, but for me, it's not something I can deal with over time. So the bagless vacuum helps in that way too, is pretty cool.
Another thing I've fallen in love with? My favorite flannel sheets. Again :) I love flannel things. It shows my age, why? Cuz I am a child of the late 80's and early 90's when flannel was KING and dammit there was a good reason. a) It keeps you warm, but layers nicely. b) It comes an assortment of colors, blues/greens/reds/purples/white/reds....not bad colors to wrap yourself in, c) I feel I am in THE most secure, warm, comfortable and loving place on the earth when I get into bed at night AND finally (the best part) c) It's SO SOFT. Good flannel is soft like peach skin, a little fuzzy but not too much so that it's creepy AND good flannel doesn't fade over washings. It doesn't ball up in fuzzies, it doesn't get thread bare (unless it's 20 years old, then of course, that happens) and it always fades in color, but never in comfort :)
So, flannel things and I are friends. It's snowy, cold and wintery outside. I'm going to read on my flannel sheets.
Until next time, cheers wicked cool vacuum cleaners and comfy,sleep-the-best-nights-sleep-ever flannel sheets! Oh...and also cheers my friend who will remain nameless who is coming in late March for more good times and lots of smiles, hugs and smooches! YEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWW!
Happy Monday Matey's!
Hello friends, happy Monday to ya! It's supposed to snow today (only a few inches) and then we'll have weather in the 50's the rest of the week. Gotta love Colorado:) My car is in desperate need of a bath, this weather is hell on white paint and tinted windows, I'm telling ya!
Max is home from his visit with the grandparents, how I missed him. He seems happy to be home, going to a movie today with friends to round out the remainder of his winter break and then it's back to school tomorrow to begin a new semester. A new semester containing an actual GYM class which I think will either help improve his grades in other classes (less physical energy to distract him) or distract him further, it's hard to say. It changes every year with him. Boys are funny, but I love mine and am thrilled to have him home. His hair is SO cute, he looks so skater-boi, I love it on him. I swear his voice changed while he was gone that one week.....Mothers! That's what Max says to me now "Mom, your being a "Mother" again!" and I laugh at him and say "Damn skippy." It's a good way to keep things light.
So now begins 'real' life again after the Holidays end and normal life ensues, the grind as it were. Except, for the first time in many many moons I feel so incredibly, authentically and genuinely happy, positive and motivated that I feel more and more like that smiling, giggling girl we all know and love. Damn I've missed her, I know you have too! In any event, life promises to be busy this year, filled with new demands of both my mental capacity but of my emotional and physical as well, all which are conducive to completely well rounded tree fruit.
Speaking of fruit, I've decided to make a real effort to add it to my diet. I've recently re-discovered citrus fruits which I've avoided greatly for years for whatever reason. A big juicy, chilled orange is a great breakfast as it turns out. Also, I've noticed that the fruit seems to curb my sugar cravings. I know, I know, fruit is still loaded with sugars...but at least it's natural and not all that unrefined nastiness right?
Ok, back to this issue. For those of you who don't know, JavaScript and I are NOT friends. It's truly truly the dirge of my programming existence. Today tho, I will overcome it and if I don't actually overcome it, I'll work around it like everyone else does!
Max is home from his visit with the grandparents, how I missed him. He seems happy to be home, going to a movie today with friends to round out the remainder of his winter break and then it's back to school tomorrow to begin a new semester. A new semester containing an actual GYM class which I think will either help improve his grades in other classes (less physical energy to distract him) or distract him further, it's hard to say. It changes every year with him. Boys are funny, but I love mine and am thrilled to have him home. His hair is SO cute, he looks so skater-boi, I love it on him. I swear his voice changed while he was gone that one week.....Mothers! That's what Max says to me now "Mom, your being a "Mother" again!" and I laugh at him and say "Damn skippy." It's a good way to keep things light.
So now begins 'real' life again after the Holidays end and normal life ensues, the grind as it were. Except, for the first time in many many moons I feel so incredibly, authentically and genuinely happy, positive and motivated that I feel more and more like that smiling, giggling girl we all know and love. Damn I've missed her, I know you have too! In any event, life promises to be busy this year, filled with new demands of both my mental capacity but of my emotional and physical as well, all which are conducive to completely well rounded tree fruit.
Speaking of fruit, I've decided to make a real effort to add it to my diet. I've recently re-discovered citrus fruits which I've avoided greatly for years for whatever reason. A big juicy, chilled orange is a great breakfast as it turns out. Also, I've noticed that the fruit seems to curb my sugar cravings. I know, I know, fruit is still loaded with sugars...but at least it's natural and not all that unrefined nastiness right?
Ok, back to this issue. For those of you who don't know, JavaScript and I are NOT friends. It's truly truly the dirge of my programming existence. Today tho, I will overcome it and if I don't actually overcome it, I'll work around it like everyone else does!
Friday, January 04, 2008
When Things Click
Do you ever have that experience, where you might be discussing something with someone and you have this moment where something possibly profound clicks in your mind? Like all the mysteries surrounding quantum physics could be solved in an instant, like your close to something bigger than you've ever know before. On the edge of a breakthrough or some remarkable consensus to all your life long burning questions. I experience this regularly when I am communicating with certain humans, reading books, listening to music or being with the water. It's sort of an overwhelming sensation for me sometimes, primarily because I generally don't expect. Perhaps I should learn to acknowledge that my entire being sometimes goes into hyperactivity mode.
Over these past few days I've been programming in a language I haven't used for a while, I've been having the "clicking" experience a lot. More than a lot, I seem in a constant state "click."
For example, I was discussing with my Aunty MB (a notable click-inducer) about how boys take up so much space, in all ways. Teenage boys and young men, they have this energy that is wickedly delicious about them. They can also be so completely consuming it can engulf you in ways you never imagined. I was joking with her about Max and how some days I feel like he fills up the entire house by himself and I am squished into the corner by his enormity and then I realized, she had a ton of teenager brothers. Really, far more than any young girl should have to endure! And we had a good laugh about it and later I thought about Mary and how she too had several brothers, many many. And my Aunty Marcy of course, but she was the teenager so maybe all that testosterone was less inhibiting? I don't know. And my mother, she had 4 younger brothers. The click was being surrounded by men in your youth as a young woman must be a powerful shaping tool, because all the women I know who had more than 2 brothers in their lives have a unique quality about them. Strong outer shells, soft inner perhaps? I'm not sure, I can't really put a label on what that unique quality is because it's different for each of them, but I couldn't help but feel this pull that I might be onto something there. Men and how they shape us as women.
It then occurred to me that every single male relationship I've known for the past x amount of time, has changed drastically in the past year. Max, has grown so much. He's like a whole new person whom I am ever attempting to keep up with and just try to enjoy what I have with him. Bryan moved to DC in May and our contact is minimal, but sweet. I miss him some days more than I can stand, just a nice B hug would be good. I always appreciated his kind directness and unwavering faith that I was such a great chick. Justin and I are not really able to be in connect with one another right now and I am not sure if that will change, but I think it's healthy thing for both of us. For me, I know that's for certain. Dane has been gone forever, but he and I got closer over the summer and he was pretty supportive b/c he loves me, but also because his strong dislike for Chance was far to tempting a motivator to ignore. Now he's working like a mad man again and really, never has much time. Matt is starting a completely new phase in his own life and relationships with friends are always affected during that transition, it's only natural. Really, Howard has been the only mainstay on this level in my life this year, bless his heart. And my grandfathers are pretty great also of course! Consistency, not something I've ever felt with men. Ever.
My realization that these relationships have changed was slow in coming I think (again, I've been pretty damn self absorbed) and I had a moment of pure sadness for what feels like the loss of the men I've always held dear to my heart, as my own brothers of sorts I suppose. There was a time in my life when Bryan and I had dinner regularly, Justin and I talked at least 3 or 4 times a week and Dane would threaten to beat up any creep that might be eyeballing me inappropriately at the club. :)
My eyes got a little moist, I miss them sometimes. I really do. After my eyes dried out and my logical mind came back on board, it occurred to me that this is what happens in families. Kids grown up, get their own lives and drift apart. Certainly all the while I'd absorbed myself with Chance, these men in my life were probably wondering about me as well, though I doubt on such a sentimental level, but caring nonetheless. There may be something to this, cosmically. It seems no coincidence that this would all happen within a fairly short period of time and then I sort of got it. I haven't been able to emotionally engage a single one of them on any kind of real level for a very, very, very long time. That's also what happens in relationships, if your ability to connect dissipates for what ever reason, then the relationships gets sick and eventually, dies. With some, I haven't been able to simply for the fact that it's to painful. For others, it's because there is discord in the friendship and the timing was impeccable I suppose, but the flames had been fanning for sometime for something to blow up. And it did.
What I've been asking myself is if, how and why these relationships are important to me. I question why it takes far less effort in my friendships with men, I generally feel quite comfortable with them on that initial level. But not at all in my romantic relationships. It's all a puzzle really.
Then my entire perspective shifted to the bottom where while I've become mostly estranged from my long time male buddies, the relationships with the women in my life have strengthened ten fold this year. Perhaps it is the undying loyalty and nurturing support, or maybe I'm just incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such a fluid circle of feminine love, strength and empowerment. I am regularly acknowledge on that feminine plain by grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, best friends, cousins and daughters. All these vibrant, capable, intellectual and independent woman whom I've formed powerful bonds with since my own childhood. Half of them aren't even related to me. The other half carries a great physical distance between us, but they sort of connect me to the outer world that I sometimes escapes me and clues me into the bigger picture when I need that grounding. I can literally form a vision in my mind of these women, in a great circle and this great power love that comes from it.
This part of the clicking got pretty detailed, more than I can go into in one sitting. The summation of this experience for me is that maybe I am at a point in my life where I am reconnecting with that feminine aspect of who I am, and nurturing these relationships as they've been meant to be nurtured, but have been neglected for some time? I remember another time in my life, like this. Those were the days of Carin and drumming circles and sweats and things that made me laugh and smile a lot, and cry too, but in good ways. Those were times when I felt more connected with the Universe and God and The Divine Feminine than I could even absorb on an intellectual level, it just was what it was and it wasn't until later that I was able to full recognize it's impact on me. Maybe now I am more experienced and (as much as one silly tree fruit can be) can gauge more accurately the intricate inner workings of what my life experiences have taught me and where I am now and where, it is a good possibility that I might be going.
So many great questions in life, and so many interesting answers and possibilities.
Told you I was clicking away, like some insane dolphin trying to absorb it's new surroundings!
Over these past few days I've been programming in a language I haven't used for a while, I've been having the "clicking" experience a lot. More than a lot, I seem in a constant state "click."
For example, I was discussing with my Aunty MB (a notable click-inducer) about how boys take up so much space, in all ways. Teenage boys and young men, they have this energy that is wickedly delicious about them. They can also be so completely consuming it can engulf you in ways you never imagined. I was joking with her about Max and how some days I feel like he fills up the entire house by himself and I am squished into the corner by his enormity and then I realized, she had a ton of teenager brothers. Really, far more than any young girl should have to endure! And we had a good laugh about it and later I thought about Mary and how she too had several brothers, many many. And my Aunty Marcy of course, but she was the teenager so maybe all that testosterone was less inhibiting? I don't know. And my mother, she had 4 younger brothers. The click was being surrounded by men in your youth as a young woman must be a powerful shaping tool, because all the women I know who had more than 2 brothers in their lives have a unique quality about them. Strong outer shells, soft inner perhaps? I'm not sure, I can't really put a label on what that unique quality is because it's different for each of them, but I couldn't help but feel this pull that I might be onto something there. Men and how they shape us as women.
It then occurred to me that every single male relationship I've known for the past x amount of time, has changed drastically in the past year. Max, has grown so much. He's like a whole new person whom I am ever attempting to keep up with and just try to enjoy what I have with him. Bryan moved to DC in May and our contact is minimal, but sweet. I miss him some days more than I can stand, just a nice B hug would be good. I always appreciated his kind directness and unwavering faith that I was such a great chick. Justin and I are not really able to be in connect with one another right now and I am not sure if that will change, but I think it's healthy thing for both of us. For me, I know that's for certain. Dane has been gone forever, but he and I got closer over the summer and he was pretty supportive b/c he loves me, but also because his strong dislike for Chance was far to tempting a motivator to ignore. Now he's working like a mad man again and really, never has much time. Matt is starting a completely new phase in his own life and relationships with friends are always affected during that transition, it's only natural. Really, Howard has been the only mainstay on this level in my life this year, bless his heart. And my grandfathers are pretty great also of course! Consistency, not something I've ever felt with men. Ever.
My realization that these relationships have changed was slow in coming I think (again, I've been pretty damn self absorbed) and I had a moment of pure sadness for what feels like the loss of the men I've always held dear to my heart, as my own brothers of sorts I suppose. There was a time in my life when Bryan and I had dinner regularly, Justin and I talked at least 3 or 4 times a week and Dane would threaten to beat up any creep that might be eyeballing me inappropriately at the club. :)
My eyes got a little moist, I miss them sometimes. I really do. After my eyes dried out and my logical mind came back on board, it occurred to me that this is what happens in families. Kids grown up, get their own lives and drift apart. Certainly all the while I'd absorbed myself with Chance, these men in my life were probably wondering about me as well, though I doubt on such a sentimental level, but caring nonetheless. There may be something to this, cosmically. It seems no coincidence that this would all happen within a fairly short period of time and then I sort of got it. I haven't been able to emotionally engage a single one of them on any kind of real level for a very, very, very long time. That's also what happens in relationships, if your ability to connect dissipates for what ever reason, then the relationships gets sick and eventually, dies. With some, I haven't been able to simply for the fact that it's to painful. For others, it's because there is discord in the friendship and the timing was impeccable I suppose, but the flames had been fanning for sometime for something to blow up. And it did.
What I've been asking myself is if, how and why these relationships are important to me. I question why it takes far less effort in my friendships with men, I generally feel quite comfortable with them on that initial level. But not at all in my romantic relationships. It's all a puzzle really.
Then my entire perspective shifted to the bottom where while I've become mostly estranged from my long time male buddies, the relationships with the women in my life have strengthened ten fold this year. Perhaps it is the undying loyalty and nurturing support, or maybe I'm just incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such a fluid circle of feminine love, strength and empowerment. I am regularly acknowledge on that feminine plain by grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, best friends, cousins and daughters. All these vibrant, capable, intellectual and independent woman whom I've formed powerful bonds with since my own childhood. Half of them aren't even related to me. The other half carries a great physical distance between us, but they sort of connect me to the outer world that I sometimes escapes me and clues me into the bigger picture when I need that grounding. I can literally form a vision in my mind of these women, in a great circle and this great power love that comes from it.
This part of the clicking got pretty detailed, more than I can go into in one sitting. The summation of this experience for me is that maybe I am at a point in my life where I am reconnecting with that feminine aspect of who I am, and nurturing these relationships as they've been meant to be nurtured, but have been neglected for some time? I remember another time in my life, like this. Those were the days of Carin and drumming circles and sweats and things that made me laugh and smile a lot, and cry too, but in good ways. Those were times when I felt more connected with the Universe and God and The Divine Feminine than I could even absorb on an intellectual level, it just was what it was and it wasn't until later that I was able to full recognize it's impact on me. Maybe now I am more experienced and (as much as one silly tree fruit can be) can gauge more accurately the intricate inner workings of what my life experiences have taught me and where I am now and where, it is a good possibility that I might be going.
So many great questions in life, and so many interesting answers and possibilities.
Told you I was clicking away, like some insane dolphin trying to absorb it's new surroundings!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I Got A Ra-aise, I Got A Ra-aise
Review time today, I was shocked at my performance review and the raise they gave me. The average raise was 4%, I got 8%. So, it's not just a cost of living raise this year. And Nancy said I deserved it, 3 years of working with this client deserves SOME kind of recognition.
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
Aunty, I might not have to get that second job after all....we'll have to see how it all pans out. We know for this month all is well cuz of the other contract job. I know that will make you happy, probably not as happy as it makes ME (buyyyaaaaah baby!) but I know you have expressed concern.
And I talked to her about vacation, she insisted I take real vacation this year. At least a week, maybe 2. Whoa. Ok.
And school, they'll pay the weeks I am out.
ha.
BUYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also asked the Universe to send me an available, flexible and appropriate person to take care of my fur-babies while we are in Washington. OMG....we might actually REALLY get to go this year! WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I can barely contain myself!
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
I Got A Ra-aise
Aunty, I might not have to get that second job after all....we'll have to see how it all pans out. We know for this month all is well cuz of the other contract job. I know that will make you happy, probably not as happy as it makes ME (buyyyaaaaah baby!) but I know you have expressed concern.
And I talked to her about vacation, she insisted I take real vacation this year. At least a week, maybe 2. Whoa. Ok.
And school, they'll pay the weeks I am out.
ha.
BUYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also asked the Universe to send me an available, flexible and appropriate person to take care of my fur-babies while we are in Washington. OMG....we might actually REALLY get to go this year! WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I can barely contain myself!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Reflections
2007 was a pivotal time for me.
- It tuaght me about loving, forgiveness, patience and humility. I learned that there is NOTHING a good coat of paint or 2 hours sobbing in the arms of your best friend can't solve.
- It taught me that there will always be dissapointments, that others will move in and of your life fluidly, that change is inevidable and best left unchallenged and that my emotional capacity to withstand pain and experience joy is far greater than even I had previously imagined.
- Somehow, I regained something I'd thought I'd lost out there, somewhere along the way. I realized that the quality of love that surrounds me is magnificent. That I am magnificent, in my own way. That I am loved and capable of loving, deeply. That my spirit is strong.
- And finally, I learned to trust my intuition, no matter how much it hurts or brings forth fears. And never to give anyone that power over me again, ever.
For 2008, in no particular order:
- Secure some type of part time work
- Get finances in order
- Retreat at Shambhala and visit The Great Stupa
- Strive toward balanced health, mind, body, spirit
- Go to Washington to reconnect with the water and visit my dearly missed loved ones
- Watch "Bridgette Jones" and "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" on the bad days
- Take long walks with my dog and my favorite human (Max)
- Join a book club (ha, found one already. I'm ahead of the game!)
- Read. A lot.
- Rest. A lot.
- Eat hummus and pita often
- Go on at least once date with at least one really great person, but avoid any and all silly love drama's
- Oh yes, just avoid drama's and complications of all kinds would be ideal
- Begin hugmongous transition to .Net at work, which....will probably take up my life totally for quite some time once I get there, if I get there....?
- Ignore the extremes, EVERYTHING in moderation :)
- Take hot, uninterrupted baths when I feel like it
- Visit the Denver Aquariam
That's a pretty ambitous start......
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Let's Rock 2008!
I had such a fantastic evening last night, started a little rocky because of some unessisary moodiness (mine) but after we got things under way a good time was had by all. I danced, flirted and partook in generally sillyness until the wee hours. Met a cute boy, a few actually, kind of an ego boost I guess to get all that attention; but mostly it was all just a lot of fun and while I am suffering from a horrid head ache today (like a number of my fellow party goers last night I'm sure!) it was all worth it. The evening put some things in very clear perspective for me, that's for certain.
Bye bye 2007, I'm so over you! Helllllllooo 2008, Let's Do This!
Bye bye 2007, I'm so over you! Helllllllooo 2008, Let's Do This!
Monday, December 31, 2007
The Wheel - John Mayer
John Mayer - Wheel Lyrics
People have the right to fly
And when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along
And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her
And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me
You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me [repeat 1x]
YouTube = Wheel John Mayer
People have the right to fly
And when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along
And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her
And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me
You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me [repeat 1x]
YouTube = Wheel John Mayer
Friday, December 28, 2007
Holiday Update
mmmmmm, someone is making fresh coffee in the kitchen at my office. Smells delish, alas, I haven't had coffee in quite some time but even if I wanted it, I'm cut off. I am no longer allowed coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages until my next check up. And no over the counter cold or sinus medications that aren't specifically for those with high blood pressure. No cigarettes (duh, nasty anyway!) and less salt (dammit!) and more exercise. High blood pressure is a bitch. Before anyone gets all up in arms and starts cussing me about my health, this was discovered when I went in for the antibiotics to kill this nasty crud I've had for weeks. But, the high blood pressure could also very well be a symptom of the Alports (the heditary kidney disease in my family which I have) progressing. My grandmother requires blood pressure meds and has since her late 30's. There's a certain amount I can do with diet, etc, but eventually, I'll probably have to start taking actual medications to lower my blood pressure. It's a known side effect in women. Guess that's not really any less alarming. Mostly, I just have to do what I'm doing and focus on getting well. On many levels.
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Holidays!
Happy Holidays all. Please forgive my lack of phone calls and emails, I am quite ill this year and am taking it as easy as possible. I love you all.
Xo,
S
Xo,
S
Friday, December 21, 2007
Happy Yule!
Happy Solstice All!
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/pholidays/SolsticeArticle.html
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Kind of yuck today
I'm a little yuck today, both physically and emotionally. I've got a cold of sorts I think, sinus thing maybe. It's either going to get a lot worse or a lot better, I'm just letting it take it's course and drinking gallons of water and orange juice and taking my EmergenC, which actually does seem to have an affect on the severity and length of my colds. A free commercial for the makers of EmergenC.
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Just Thought Of Something....
Oh.....I DID manage to get Christmas cards out before it was too late. This may seem minor, but it is a feat I am quite proud of as I've not been able to make that happen in at least 3 years. I am such a good good Tree Fruit and I know my Conlee clan will be especially proud of me and I will earn mega brownie points for doing so.
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Not Much On This Side Of The Planet....
Nothing much to report, nothing eventful really going on. Had kind of a rough day on Saturday, I saw K & S for an early breakfeast at Lucille's (oh man, creole food rocks!) and got some news that sort of startled me and threw me into a funk for most of the rest of the day. It was that kind of day when I could've really used a hug or a little comfort, but it just wasn't in the stars. Max and I consulted Deep Thought (So Long & Thanks For All The Fish! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371724/quotes) and rented Shrek The Third, which was totally uplifting. I must have them all on DVD, I'm sure they'll release a box set now.
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Good Morning!
What a gorgeous snowy morning! Driving in the weather is a lot easier with proper tires, now isn't it? One might think by now that would be second nature, living in Wisconsin and Colorado for most of my life, but let me remind you that no matter what type of car you have, new tires are costly. My drive was fairly low stress for this kind of snowy morning in Colorado, one where the side roads require you to travel 1/2 to 1/3 the normal speed and the high ways move at a crawl, even with all those horrid chemicals they lay down to melt the snow. The drive home may be a bit more challenging, we are expected to get another 3 - 6" at work and 5 - 10" on my side of town. I suspect they'll let us out early.
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Quote From "For One More Day"
"A child who is ashamed of his mother hasn't lived long enough."
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
Ha ha - YOU SUCK VICK!
That'll teach you, you smarmy little bastard.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
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