Nov 30th - Dec 2nd Weekend Highlights

I am absolutely exhausted this morning, literally fighting to keep my head up and my eyes open. Kasha and I both spent a lot of time groaning and stretching this morning while getting out of bed. She is so cute, I love my doggeh!

Friday:
After several interesting phone calls, a lot of errands and at least two failed attempts to get my ass motivated enough to take the dog for a walk, I finally just gave up and started making dinner for Tammy. She showed up about 4:15 and we got to chatting, eating and hair cutting! Almost 6 inches of those long blonde locks ended up on the floor that night and while I'm still adjusting and it is shorter than I'd plan to go, it is totally liberating. Sort of like shedding skin. Metamorphosis. Like sunflowers and butterfly's:)

Update:
My Aunty made me post some pics, this is the best I can do at the moment with my camera phone, at work in the bathroom so my coworkers don't have funny thoughts about me.....








Saturday:
Ran errands all morning with Max. Correction, chauffeured Max around all morning to and fro all over town. After all that hubbubb, we spent the remainder of the day at Kristen's. First working on her resume. That was pretty fun actually, I was happy to help remind her of what a valuable individual she is. "Rock Band" became to distracting and we played for 5 straight hours! I foresee this game being in most homes across the states with families, it is a blast to play with others and addictive in the way that only a video game can be. It's not simple either, it's an actual game that requires a certain level of commitment when you start it to actually complete the levels. Kristen played guitar, Max was on drums and I sang. I now know why vocalists loose their voices often and have to take great care with them. 5 hours of belting out tunes pretty much wiped me out. Max was impressive on those drums, he may very well need his own kit. I may consider it for his bday this next year. Matt & Helen came over after and we spent a pretty mellow night just chillin' after all that.

Sunday:
Up bright and early to meet up with Helen's folks for the Christmas Town event in Georgetown. Our first year, a lot of fun! Sans the frigid temperatures and strong winds, it's something I'd like to do again next year with Max. Helen's family is very sweet, just good people and you can't deny that when you engage with people on that level. The interaction between her father and his family was quite moving for me, he has a smile that lights up a room, is soft spoken and clearly is a gentle man. Sometimes the sadness of not having had a father of my own to love me in that way is quite overpowering. I sometimes wonder what I might be like now if I'd had a kind and compassionate man to guide me through this life and help to shape my views on men and love. How I may be a different person and who she might be? I learned long ago that wondering about the past is mostly futile, rather I'd expend my energy in the direction of healing from the voids than focusing on them. What I can take from the interactions I see between fathers like Charlie and their children is the love that radiates from that and the incredible happiness I feel for the kids out there who are loved and cared for so deeply by their fathers. And mothers. Children are such a blessing, they deserve all the light life can offer them.

Speaking of blessings, my own son and I have been nit picking with one another off an on a lot lately. Last night however, he seemed more interested in snuggling and eating candy then bickering with me. Ah the gift of quiet time with your only child. We both fell asleep for a few hours as we were extremely physically drained from the day, with Kasha in between and our favorite warm blanket, it was a lovely nap. To which we were awoken to the bang bang bang of a distinct knock at the door. The "cop" knock is what most of you will know it as, the one where they bang on the door with their flashlight. The kind that will startle you right out of your skin if it is silent in your house. I went to investigate, only to not find an actual police officer (of which I've had my share recently) but rather a tall (and good looking) man at my door with a tow truck idling loudly in front of me house. Looking for you know who of course. I explained (again) the situation. In an obviously irritated voice, I asked this guy why he needed yet another explanation of this situation as I've given at least 7 different people the same information and back ground scenario many times that I may cough up hairballs if I have to go over it one more single time. He didn't have a good answer for me. I question just how coordinated this effort is, but it is out of my hands and I am so over it. Ready to move on. The tall, cute repo dude handed me a card and made me promise to give him a call if I heard anything he gracefully excused himself and bid me a good night. Meanwhile, Max had been holding Kasha, who seemed threatened by the entire situation, and was standing behind me giving this poor guy the stink eye the whole time. Max is protective of his momma, that's for certain. He directly asked me the other day if you know who had ever laid a hand on me, I told him of course not. That while it IS true that Chance's behaviors resemble that of some alien form of slime, probably related to the bottom feeder, pond scum variety, but that he was never violent with me physically. And if he had ever been, he'd be rolling around on the cement of our front walk way in agony from the precise and effective groin kick I'd deliver the moment he touched me in that way and begging me to call off the troops once they arrived. That made Max laugh, which was kind of the goal. He needs to feel confident that I can take care of myself and would NEVER allow that sort of thing, but I wondered what prompted that question from him. It seemed to take a lot of energy for him to even pose the question. How I'd wish to spare him from these kinds of drama's so young, somehow I thought I'd make better decisions than these and might be able to protect him. My hope is that it will help him to realize that life simply doesn't allow for utter and complete irresponsibility, that you ARE accountable for your actions and how they affect others. No matter how much I may try to convey to him this message in all my motherly glory, he is 15 after all and mostly thinks I'm completely full of it. Maybe from this he will have learned something valuable, at the very least he is learning about boundaries and limits. We are learning that one together I'm afraid.

Please take a moment to look through this site:
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/planet.in.peril/

While I'm generally unimpressed with CCN as it reeks of Fox-Lite, I was pleased to see this program last night on The Animal Planet. It's painful, to watch and absorb this information and we all know it's happening, but my hope is that the more infromation that is shared with the masses, that maybe it is possible for a difference to be made. I have a strong urges often to quite my job, sell everything and join Green Peace or the Peace Corps so I can stop feeling like so helpless. I know though, that first I must raise my own son and start with the changes at home while trying to affect change globally. Some how. I don't know how yet, I struggle with it b/c it never feels like enough. Anyway, please see the above mentioned link and consider the ways in which we can all commit our internal environmentalists and animal rights activists to something greater than ourselves.

Crystal! YOU DID IT!

$350k for your kids! I love you and the work that you and your organization does:)

Good job!

BTW: Your smiling voice on the other end....it was good.

Something is surely amiss with the Universe.

Max just called to inform me that he is INTENTIONALLY staying after school to work on his final geography map with his teacher, an assignment worth well over 150 points. Which is huge. As in "could get my ass out of D'sville" huge.

No one asked him to do it, he's just doing it.

Whoa.

Annnnnd, last night he tracked in a size 12 shoe full of snow from the back porch and right as he was about to step on the carpet, caught himself and stopped! AND THEN....he CLEANED IT UP! And did a really good job.

Without me asking or saying a word, in fact most of this went on without me even really noticing until after the fact.

Whoa.

AND....he put kitty litter on the steps so I wouldn't fall and crack my head open and a little grippy thing on the railing to help his poor ole uncordindate mother along.

WITHOUT ANYONE ASKING!

Max is a great kid, truly one of the best I've ever known. Kind, compassionate and pretty loving for a 15 year old boy who rarely shows emotion to anyone, but I am somehow one of the lucky few who has won his love and praise. But proactive, he is not.

Dare I become excited by the smallest glimpses of potentially self-reliant and capable behaviors WITHOUT all the attitude?

It's like...New & Improved Ultra Max, gets you down the stairs safely AND does his school work without complaining the entire time about how unfair it all is.

Whoa. I'm speechless.

Clothing tag from a small american manufacturer who sells primarily to France:

In Honor Of HG's Pirate Tattoo

Brrrr!

I discovered, at 5:45 this morning that Kasha doesn't like snow plows. This was only after I discovered that in the middle of the night, out of nowhere, someone blew freezing cold wet stuff all over the place and didn't bother to inform me of. Because I AM that important you know:) No one said anything about snow? Hrm, that'll teach me to fall asleep without consulting the current weather forecast. Which is mostly pointless because it will be 50 degrees next week any way and then snow again the following week and no one will know what the heck is really going on, except for Mother Nature herself. Whom, as we all know is a lot wiser than we are.

Good thing my hall closet is packed and ready to go with jackets and other cover up things ranging from "sunny fall day" to "blizzard conditions, frigid don't breathe the air to deeply and make sure all your digits are covered." I have the cutest little purple pseudo-suede gloves and matching hat with cotton "fur" on the edges that I like to wear, not very functional but oh so warm and cuddly, AND cute! Max doesn't need a coat, he's far to sophisticated and cool to need some wimpy coat to keep himself warm. He may regret that decision today.

Just went to use the little girls room, the sun is out and beaming happily. I cannot see actual sunlight from my cube unless I get up and even then my view is obstructed by other cubes and faces, but I do manage to roam around occasionally and get some actual real light. Sometimes I feel like a gecko. One of those little guys that sits on his warming rock all day trying to warm himself under his own little 'sun' - waiting for something interesting to happen or a fly to buzz by that might be caught with such a gloriously wild tongue. Yes, a gecko in a cage, that's what I feel like in this office some times. Speaking of, I always wondered what it would be like to be able to lick my eyeball. Randomly lick your own eyeball while in the midst of conversation with your peer group or, even better, your supervisor? Heh. I've been watching too much XMen I think.

Note to self: Black olive and jalapeño pizza makes a pretty decent breakfast.....

Back to work, I'm FINALLY in a productive place this morning and must run with it...toodles.

xo,
S

Do You Ever?

Feel like your trying to communicate with an invisible force field designed to deflect all logic, reason and rationale thought? Hear the sounds of total apathy on the other end? Wonder how difficult this life must be every single day. How just to getting out of bed and making the simple decision about what to wear or the best route to take to work that morning must be?

I do. I wonder. Every, single day.

Giving Thanks

After I spent Tuesday night, all of Wednesday and Thursday morning having what I think was a rather unfortunate case of food poisoning, the long weekend was incredibly enjoyable. I could've done without all that loss of fluids, that's for sure, but it's over now, for which I'm grateful. I also could've passed on the harassing phone calls from the repo men, private investigators and collectors that are relentlessly searching for you know who, but I'm getting used to it and I'm learning that if I give them the facts, they can't really argue with me OR be nasty. I *think* this thing is starting to wrap up soon, I'm hoping by the end of January I can be celebrating the day of my birth with renewed love for life.

I spent Thursday at my mothers. It was mostly quiet, nothing really eventful to speak of other than the mini meltdown I had, which was expected. I haven't seen my mother and her husband for at least 6 months, not since her birthday. Alot has obviously transpired since then and I know they have a lot of questions and concerns, but they both were compassionate and careful with my emotions. She was surprisingly sensitive to the situation and I received a lot of reassurance from both her and Jim. This was unexpected and I think what I took from that experience was that I've been humbled on so many levels at this point, perhaps it is time for me to completely reconsider my entire perspective on many things.

Friday I picked up Kyler and mostly felt like crud still. Not enough rest and still recouping from the nastiness of the previous days, so I unfortunately didn't make it out with Paula and Jeff that night. Kyler and I spent a lot of time getting to know one another, what a sweet old man he is. Kasha did not approve of the new visitor and we had mild chaos for a moment, but I was able to get it under control. Kyler and I were both out by 8 on Friday night.

Saturday morning, Max was home, complete with 'just got home from my Dad's family' visit attitude and all. Good times. That will last several more days, I'm sure. He's just generally snappy and doesn't think I know anything about anything, a smart ass comment to everything I say. This is not unusual, or necessarily appreciated, but luckily it passes.

We had another moment of chaos Saturday morning as I was leaving for the store, in which Kasha escaped and went straight for poor Kyler. Poor dude, he was shaking and I wanted to throttle Kasha. I am not sure why she is so vicious with other dogs, it's a little concerning to me. It's not the first time I've spent time around dog aggressive dogs, but to see her go from my sweet little Kasha-baby-darling to wildly-insane-attack-mutt in an instant is upsetting. I know it's not personal, she's just who she is, but still? HUH? She went straight for his jugular, no kidding. Kyler didn't tolerate this long and let her have it before I could separate them. Yuck. Kyler was immediately rewarded for being a good good doggy with lots of loveys and dog treats and Kasha was banished for the rest of the day. Her whimpering was pathetic, but I wasn't feeling very sympathetic after that. Kyler is like a Grandpa dog, you must have some level of respect for and she crossed the line. So, after Max and I inspected for bites, everyone went to their respective area's for quiet time.

After the store I showered and got ready for lunch with Miss Paula and her clan. I was treated to some fabu artichoke dip, beers and good times with P while her crew gave us some quiet girl time. I love P, I feel so comfortable with her, even though we've only met in person a few times. The visit was too short, but they always are, aren't they? We parted ways for a few hours and her and Jeff came over to my place for a bit after their dinner. It was interesting to meet the infamous Jeff, I didn't have any real expectation of what this person would be like, so I wasn't surprised one way or the other. It is good to put it all together though and I'm happy for that opportunity. He seems quiet, a bit stoic perhaps. I was a big taken back by the hug he gave me when they were leaving though, it sort of spread warmth over me like the bestest woobie on the planet. It was like a compassion blanket, very comforting.

Sunday Max and I spent our remaining visit with Kyler playing, it is true that the puppy never exists the dog that I know for sure. But Kyler, is such a silly example of that, I can't help but grin. Those big whole huge paws, silly eyes and the energy that comes out of him in fits of excitement are so adorable. We took him home around 3 and hung out together the rest of the afternoon around the house, took a nap, chatted. Quiet way to end the long weekend.

I'm not sure what's up this coming week, I'm feeling some motivation on continuing with home improvement projects. Specifically, the basement would be next. I'd like to paint down there and reorganize a bit, perhaps rip that carpet up, but at the very least get it steam cleaned. All things that cost money that I don't have, but I can at least paint and organize it for pretty darn cheap. After the kitchen, I have a feeling the basement will feel like a piece of cake!

Onward and upward, love to you all.
peace
S

I Remember What Boys That Age Were Like

I have been in a form of denial about Max as of late. I've noticed it, it doesn't really effect me, except for it's become more than just some under the covers type of thing. The increasing rate at which he is "noticing" girls. Not just girls, women. He is generally stupified when a beautiful women walks by, is on the television or is on the cover of his favorite magazine. Speaking of magazines, he keeps bugging me to buy him these filthy magazines. Low Rider, yeah...you know the one. Nekked women draped all over some tricked out 76 Chevy Impala, with stripper heels on and something resembling a band aid. Nekked doesn't bother me, nekked is perfectly healthy and normal and we've sort of always been pretty open in our house. It's the way the women are objectified and how it is totally directed at men (achem boys) betweent the ages of 16 or so and about 21.

So, my son is joining the target demographic of all things directed at the hypersexualization of boys 16 - 21. I know the work I've done with him about safe sex and respect and good choices will have had some afffect on him. I trust him to some degree, we'll keep having those talks. BUT I REFUSE to buy him a Low Rider magazine and he can tell me it's because of the cars all he wants, yeah....okkaaaaay.

Contrary to whatever dillusion he's got in his head, I did NOT just fall off the back of a prude truck. Not in the least darling.

But Low Rider? Come on son, that stuff is just icky. At least go for something with a little more class.

Moving on...that said, Max noticed a flavored lip gloss that I'd purchased the other day. It's true, I buy flavored lip gloss. I might as well be 15 for all it's worth, I can't help it. I like fun stuff like that. Blue nail polish and glittery lip gloss. Oh well. I am who I am. Anyway, Max comments "Oh, that stuff tastes good!"

Silence.

Blank Stare.

Max! You little devil!

He proceeds to explain to me about the number of girls he is 'dating' at the moment and how the one he likes the most wears black cherry lip gloss. Apparently Max is quite the man all of the sudden and I felt it was a hint and I mean a STRONG hint that kissing wasn't all they were doing. I don't think it's what I think, yet. But I think I'd be a fool to ignore it. When a kid tells you stuff like that, it's best to file it under "Pay ATTENTION!" so that he doesn't end up a daddy before his time and I don't end up a grandmother before mine. Let's not forget who we are talking to hear, achem!

Welcome to the world of adolescent sex. How much fun. I am elated. Can't you tell? I can't wait to go home and talk to Max about how to use a condom and all the other stuff. It's not like we haven't talked about it before, but something about this feels a little bit different.

Good times.

An Exciting Week Ahead And Weekend Workings

This past weekend was quiet, pretty lazy. Had a nice catch up chat with Crys on Friday and Matty came over that night for some dinner and beers. Nice to catch up, even if he did smell like a gas station :)

This coming week promises to be exciting and slightly demanding on the energy side of things. Mon - Wed it's going to be working like a mad woman, trying to close and wrap up the audit. Plus, I'm still trying to sell my clients on new application development, so it means getting my preverbal ducks in a row and quacking in unison before I can even present them with the new process revisions.

Max is going to his Dad's parents for Thanksgiving, our first holiday ever apart. It will be strange, though I have to say I'm not at all in the 'holiday' mood, so I'm not feeling terribly sentimental about it. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and he'll be home Saturday morning, so we'll still have a pretty normal routine. Except he's always really tired when he comes home from there and I, of course, always have this sense there's something he's not telling me.

Anyway, Thursday morning I have to get up and take Kasha for a nice long walk and then get ready to go pick up Kyler. Kyler is my friend Sandy's dog who I'm watching for her over the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm looking forward to this tremendously, Kyler is such a doll. Plus, I'm being compensated handsomely. A totally mutually beneficial situation for all involved. I'm taking Kyler up to my mom's for Thanksgiving, we'll prob stay up there and have some dinner and I'll come home Friday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom, though I feel a little anxious about it also. There's so much she doesn't know and I guess, I just don't have the energy to face her with a lot of it or go through all the details. I know she's curious, but I already gave her a heads up that I'm just kind of not able to go into detail about it all right now, but when I'm ready I will. I realized hits weekend, why that is. Because it means I have to acknowledge that I've unintentionally harshly judged her for her own actions in the past. Let's just say my mom isn't the only one guilty of getting involved with men who weren't good for our family. I owe her an apology, that's for certain. I'll have to wrestle with that when I have more energy to do so. Coming out of this relationship has been a lot like working a 12 step program and one of those steps is admitting when I've been wrong and making amends to others. Talk about embracing 'humility.'

Friday I'll come home, prob need a nap and get Kasha and Kyler acclimated to one another. THAT should be interesting.

P will be here this weekend! Woop woop! I'll be meeting up with them Friday night, I'm totally looking forward to that:)

Saturday will be play time with Kyler when Max gets home. I think we'll take them all down to the Greenbelt and see how that goes. Saturday night will definitely need to be rest time with Maxter, then Sunday I'll take Kyler home and just chill.

Besides this thing with my mom, I also had another pretty startling realization this weekend. It's no secret that I'm a physical person, meaning that I can appreciate physical forms of affection. Luckily, I was raised in an environment where there was a lot of hugging and I spent countless hours snuggled up with my grandfather, it felt like the safest place in the world to me. Well, yesterday afternoon Max and I were watching a movie. Just chillin' in normal fashion, usually cozy with blankets and pillows and some what snuggly but he is a teenage boy and mostly finds any display of affection toward his mother a repulsive thought, when out of the blue he gets up to get a snack for us and comes down, hugs me pretty hard and kisses me on the cheek and tells me I'm a "good poo poo." For those of you who don't know, "poo poo" is my nickname. Don't ask, I don't know. It really caught me off guard and when he pulled away to go sit down, I had this blinding flash of realizing how much I miss being physically affectionate with someone else. In our day to day existence, we don't touch one another. People are so sterile with one another and since I don't spend a lot of time with much of anyone except Max and the people at my work, it's safe to say that between an environment where hugging my co-workers would be considered completely inappropriate (except Rhy, he's a hugger outside of work, which is nice) and living with my 15 year old who can only tolerate random moments of love in my direction, I think I'm feeling pretty physically starved. I had a similar realization while hugging Crystal good bye in the drive way of that massive house where we went to the Halloween party, because she might be the first adult in a very long long long time to hug me with such ferocious passion and love. But I think I was also just so happy to have that moment with her, those are the hugs you hold on to in your heart on the bad days. But this thing with Max really did startle me, it was like "Oh, that's right! I love to hug and be hugged! I AM a snuggle monster and I AM very good at it!" Like I'd forgotten or something. Because mostly I've had such a strong need to be alone and away from all things emotional outside of myself (Yes, yes I get it, I've been VERY self absorbed) that this may have been something that got lost.

It's not a sad thing, realizing this. Well, maybe a little, but probably in all the obvious ways you can imagine. I'm looking at more like rediscovering something valuable within me, like that I really can love and be loved back and that it feels great. That I'm not totally cold inside. Life is still budding within me, little green happy buds of my internal sunflowers:)

I'm Getting Better At This!

I guess sometimes we are just more able to deal with crisis, or when crisis occurs so often in a limited period of time ones perspective changes on what really constitutes 'crisis' and it becomes more like a 'challenge.'

This morning I reflected about how if the basement had flooded this time last week or a few weeks ago it might've put me right over the edge. Or the fact that I missed work (again) because of the basement and my boss while not directly crusty toward me, I know probably not happy with me at the moment. How knowing that I am on the 'list' of several people in my life and this helpless feeling like I can't make things right with any of them right now might've cut that very thin line I seem to be hanging on by right in half.

Something shifted though after last weeks very rough week. I realized that I can't make everyone happy all the time and with the number of directions my attention must take at any given moment, it's likely someone is going to be pissed at me, at some point, for some reason or another. That I'm doing the best that I can and that I've screwed up in a pretty fundamental core way, but it's not irreparable nor is all of within in my control to 'fix.'

Actually, I think I finally realized that in life, all in all...when all is said and done, we are all totally alone. Alone in the sense that our choices may ultimately leave us in a place that others can not help us out of. No matter how supportive, loving or compassionate the people in my life are...the fact is that I've got a gigantic black tarantula following me around, trying to drag me down and eat me up, and it must be dealt with. I've slayed some giant spiders in my day, I'm not even afraid of bugs or 8 legged things any how. I won't be killing this one anyway, just sending it home. But it IS up to me and it's going to take time. Sure it's been 5 months already and yeah, I thought I'd be in a better spot by now....but like all stubborn mules, I do things in my own time. When life is sparked into me though, I run with it. Always have, always will. I'm slowly coming back to life, but in the interim I think I can see the ways in which I am growing and becoming more the woman I want to be and thought that I was until I was taken down a few notches.

In the meantime, big black furry spiders and all....it's getting better, or at least my state of mind is getting better.

Love you all,
till next time,
S

I'm Not A Drowned Rat

A perfect example of mother nature letting us know we've gone just on step to far. My pipes were FILLED with roots, lots of them. Fresh, sprouting roots. The irony? I have no tree. My neighbor has a tree and my plumber said if my pipes were this bad, then imagine how the nieghbor's must be.

Thank the good green earth for the most holiest of all insurance, The Sacred Home Warranty. 1 $50 check, 3 hours with a funny and adorable plumber and 2 glasses of iced tea later, I have a freshly plumbed pipes.

Back to work. uck.

I'm trying to ignore my emails and the barrage of drama surrounding it today. Think "loving, well intentioned and protective loved ones" meets "the most extreme case of denial I've ever witnessed" and you have a fundamental clash of values, core beliefs and I'm in middle, watching it all pass by with wonder. I tell you this, I would NEVER want to meet Mary in a dark alley if she were pissed at me:) It's good to have people like that on your side.

And for the record, let it be known that one DOES reap what they sow. Life is NOT forgiving, in any way. Lesson learned. Check.

I'm moving along now, thank you Universe for that nice kick in the ass. I must've needed it to move into the next phase of this journey.

huh?

My basement flooded last night....every single towel I own is soaked and starting to smell like....wet towel. Mmmm, yum.

I'm waiting for the plumber to come, hoping like hell this doesn't cost alot.

*taps fingers restlessly*

I cant' shower, flush my toilet or otherwise use water.

Oh well, maybe the plumber will be cute.

We'll see.

Updates as they become available.

I'm Free Again!

I'm Free Again!

Make it stop!

Please make it stop, it's like Robert Smith on acid singing about his cat.

It just keeps spinning in my head. Like a record baby, you spin me right round, right round....
Cat, I'm A Kitty Cat.

oh lord.

Heh - Playlist Mania!

In case anyone here is wondering, I embed these playlists for my own personal use.

This new found sense of entitlement Max has is interesting to observe.

He whines and complains about why he can't get a job right now, but asking him to get up a little earlier so he can ride the bus to school so I can get off of work earlier, and thus be home with him earlier offends him somehow.

The endless (and I MEAN endless) discussions about getting a car, the zillions of dollars he seems to think he's going to have to actually purchase his first car never, ever stop. Within any given day, he will prattle on about this H3, Shelby GT or that Toyota Forerunner (yeah, I'm talking THAT huge) at least 10 different times. It's absurd. Not absurd that he'll have the success he desires some day, but absurd that he seems to think this kind of thing will just materialize with little to no effort on his part. When I remind him that he must have at least a C average (at least) to get his drivers permit, he acts as if I'm stomping all over his dream to become a BMXing, pro racing super stud star, like I'm just totally and completely full of shit.

When I attempt to assist him in getting organized with school on some level, for example a large English project he has due next Monday, he insists that he knows what I'm doing and to back off. All the while filled to the brim with attitude. I

Being a mother is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life thus far, I enjoy him and love him dearly. But today, I'm not really sure I recognize him and I wonder what Max will think of when he thinks back to these years. Right now, he pretty much hates my guts, which is not unexpected. It's not pleasant either.

I can't help but feel that the constant push/pull between teenagers and their parents not only benefits the child eventually, but the parent as well. The process helps the teenager begin to identify their own individuality and try on the many different archetypes they will explore through life. It gives the parent a glimpse of what life might be like for said teenager as he continues to grow and eventually leaves the nest. I think the idea, in the last remaining years at home, is to help Max polish the life skills he will need to achieve his own personal goals. In essence, it is the first real pre-test to life.

It's funny though, because this child resists my efforts at every single possible turn. I am left with little choice but to give it to him 100% straight.

Sorry Max, I know you won't always like me right now and I understand that. Mostly, the decisions you are making are equating in the current results you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately I am simply the messenger. Tough shit if you don't like riding the bus to school. If you think it's embarrassing or you don't want to get up that 20 minutes earlier to make it to the bus stop on time. Tough shit if you don't want to hear it that you can't have D's on your mid-term and get F's on finals and think your going to get your drivers permit before you are 16. It's too bad that you want to go riding all weekend with your friends, but haven't done your chores or your homework for the weekend. And I don't care if you don't think you should have to take out the garbage or walk the dog, guess what? At my house, you do. You will have to take out your own garbage when your a big grown up man and with all the dreams and aspirations you have, for which I am happy to hear that you do, you WILL have to walk your dog or someone's dog in some figurative sense.

I may not know much, but one thing I know for sure, nothing...not one single thing in life, just falls in your lap. It is all related, in some karmic way, to your efforts or lack thereof. Your work, your love, your spirit and your attitude.

In the amount of time you spent bitching and whining and complaining about what a horrible mother I am for reminding you that your grades are in poor shape so you should be working on that big English project diligently and that Monday night is garbage night, you could've spent that time doing something positive or loving or kind.

I love you son, with all my heart and I will always be there for you. No matter what, you may not always appreciate my methods or my choices and I the same in return, but we will always have each other. My love for you, however, does not mean I should coddle you or otherwise condone such negative behaviors or allow you to manipulate me. How I wish I could teach you everything you need to learn now so that life doesn't have to be difficult for you, but as always, you are teaching me volumes about life. And the one thing I'm learning in a big big way right now is that I can no longer hold your hand, especially if you will not accept my offers to do so. I cannot force your will. I can only guide you and be here for you.

I know it's been a hard year for us. I am sorry that you've seen the results of my own poor decisions and I am sorry that Chance disappointed you too. I am sorry that things are tighter for us financially more than ever and that I worry and that my stress level is so high. I know it's not fun to be around me when I'm in this place. These things are all unfair to you and for that I apologize. These things are not your fault and if nothing else, you have learned first hand what NOT to do from this situation. I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation, but ultimately, you are responsible for you and what you do. If you blow off school, you'll have to repeat those classes at your own expense. If you throw attitude at everyone, it's not going to help you achieve your goals. If you don't put some effort into your own life, you cannot point the finger at me and wonder why you can't have what you want like some spoiled little child. It's my job to nag you about school. It's my job to make you do your chores and take the dog for a walk. And it's my job to help you to learn how to treat people. It's my job to not always give you what you want, as much as I may want to. It's my job as the person who loves you more than anything on this planet, to be the one putting up the stop signs and setting up the boundaries when you can't do it for yourself.

As cliché' as it sounds, if I didn't care about you, I would've already given up. I know what that feels like, for people to give up on you. It's not good. I won't do that to you, but I won't casually sit by and watch you not take important things seriously, seriously enough at least. And, I won't bail you out every single you time you screw up. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I suffer right along with you. I can't bail you out every time Max, I just can't. It's not in your best interest, or mine as your mother. I believe in you, that is why. I know it makes you crazy that I do not submit to your every whim or that we aren't 'rich' like your friends or that you somewhere along the way got this notion in your head that you are not accountable for your own actions, but that's too bad. In time, it will all make a lot more sense.

And until then, we both need to take deep deep breathes.

Mostly quiet weekend, spent Friday night with Rhy & M and the Mercury Cafe. I love that place, it's hard not to enjoy some of the only vegetarian/organic spots in Denver. Plus, it's just a cool place to kick it with good friends. Margaret is a DOLL, I love her. And Rhy and her are pretty sickening. New love is a gift unlike any other and their's is soemthing I can relate to. It is heartwarming. Max also enjoys Rhy, it's hard not to. Rhy is pretty wicked cool.

Saturday Howard came to help with some odds and ends about the house. I'm so grateful to him...for him, in our lives. I never feel judged or overtly criticized, even though I am not one of his 'perfect' children. Must be all that lawyer-ing that helps him to be a neutral source of both support and love, thank goodness for Howard on so many levels. He keeps us all on the level.

Child support order papers came in the mail, homeboy has start paying each month AND 50% of Max's medical. This was effective Nov 1st 2007, SOOOO if he doesn't pay from now on at least they can take it out of his check. I am thrilled about it, it will ease the financial issues with Max slightly.

Mood wise I am persistently flat or bordering on down, it's just what it is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I do find joy and laughter in my daily life, that I have not lost myself in the total depths of despair. Though, I do find it helpful to avoid too much deep thought about my current situation or past. It seems doing so gives me license to beat myself to a pulp internally and that goes no where good.

Sunday I just slept and ate brownies. I hate getting fat, but sometiems I don't feel like doing anything about it so I can't really bitch that I'm fat when I sit on the couch all day eating brownies now can I?

I'm missing Carin terribely, I had a dream about her this morning. She comes to me a lot when I am sad, she must be be baby sitting me from afar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BTomqsanSM

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fleetwood+mac/sara_20054249.html

Ape-Shit Versus Bat-Shit

Quandary of the day:

What is the difference in the phrase "Ape-Shit" and "Bat-Shit"?

For example, you might hear a friend say something like "My dog goes bat-shit for Kong toys." or today I over heard a co-worker say "So and so is going to go ape-shit if we don't finish this today."

Please weigh in, discuss amongst yourselves as needed.

I cannot actually utter these two words out loud because it makes me laugh like a grammar schooler. I wish I could, these two phrases have an obvious implication of something...I just don't know what exactly?

Also, if you have not visited this website, I must insist that you do so immediately. It has kept me in giggles the entire day:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Another Play List (for me)

Sarah Facts

Cuz I need some distraction from work at the moment.....

• I adore the smell of banana's, but don't really care to eat them. Banana bread with cream cheese, that's another story all together. Actually, besides berries and melons I am not particularly keen on fruit over all. Put a vegetable in front of me though, and I mean ANY vegetable and I will happily engage.
  
• Colors are some of my favorite things in the world to experiment with, but I can't help my attraction to greens of all shades, dark blues and purples.
  
• I didn't graduate from high school and technically didn't complete the 9th grade.
  
• I did, however, get my GED and graduate from college at the same time as I would've if I had bothered to attend high school.
  
• Originally, I began attending school to become a graphic artist.
  
• Labor was extremely difficult, but even at such a young age, I absolutely adored being pregnant. There was something so warm about the whole thing and in all my naivitie, I knew something pretty amazing and huge was going on inside my belly. Reading and talking to "Max" before I even know he was a "Max" and eating massive quantities of oranges and watching Little House On The Prairie was our daily ritual from my 2nd trimester all the way until I went into labor. I was eating a tuna fish sandwhich when I went into labor. At that moment, I vowed never to eat tuna again. Luckily, I got over that. I LOVE TOOTER fish.
  
• The first tattoo I ever wanted was a small Tigger, holding a lilly and sitting up on his tail. I still don't have it.
  
• "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Is my favorite new bumpersticker.
  
• I didn't learn to drive until I was 19 and refused to drive on the highway for about the first year I drove.
  
• I've never broken a bone or had a cavity filled. I think I have a cavity now though, I'm not sure.
  
• A dog bit me when I was about 8 or 9 years old, right through the thigh because I had not yet learned that not all animals are lucky enough to have families who love them. He was terrified of me and I remember trying to pet him, instead he let me have it. I didn't tell my mom at first because I'd heard they killed dogs who bit little girls. I had to tell her the next day though because it was really hurting. Good call on my part, since it was infected by the time we go to the doctor and I had to get a tetanous shot. I was SO mad at that dog for making me get a tetnous shot. It took 3 people to hold me down when I was a child to adminster a shot or take my blood. Needles were bad bad BAD and I fought back when people came at me with them. I wonder what ever happened to that dog...
  
• On the subject of dogs, my mom had a boyfriend who had a HUGE and I mean HUGE Rotwieler. His name was "Bear" and we were instant friends. My mom wasn't so sure about how physically close this dog and I'd become, sitting with my face next to the jaws of a 140 lb drooling Rotwieler seemed perfectly normal to me. Later in life, I had the same fears with my own son and a large dog. It's noraml. Anyway, this boyfriend lived in a secluded town very high in the rockies and getting to his house required a jeep ride. Bear and I did a lot of hiking together, many memories of my childhood were born that summer. There was a spot we liked to hike to together, I'd been warned that a brown bear had been spotted there a few weeks earlier. I was 11, I didn't care. Bear and I were rock hunting and I was overcome with the sense that there was something behind me. Totally like you'd see in a movie. I turned around, and there was an actual bear walking along the ridge. I was paralyzed with fear, I'll admit it. It was MUCH bigger than I'd ever thought a bear could be. Or maybe I felt very small. Bear the dog immediately put himself in between the brown bear and myself. Definately trying to protect me. He began growling and pushing me, aggressively in the opposite direction. Almost like he was hearding me or something. We walked slowly, but surely, back to the boyfriends cabin. All the while, Bear the dog kept himself firmly planted in my parameter. Circling me the whole way home. I was scared, definately...but when I told my mom about she pretty much went stark white immediately. We were forbidden from hiking together unattended and Bear the dog got an elk steak for dinner that night and slept with me in my bunk.
  
  
  
  
  
  

Deep Deep Deep Bref's

Deep breathe is pretty good stuff isn't it? It's become common practice for me these days.

When my heart begins to pound and I can feel the pulsing in my temples and heart it my ears.

When that thing in my stomach starts to tickle and well up, eventually becoming some alive entity all in it's own. Churning and making noises and trying desperately to get my attention.

When my mind begins to look back at things I am helpless to change and dwell on the sheer wonder at how absolutely horrid a person can be, how devious. At just how much I'd like to wring his little, scrawny, back stabbing, lying, thieving, deceiving, smoldering piece of shit, neck. At how much disgust I feel for loving someone so so SO fake and selfish and full of himself. At how long it's going to take to recover from making the simple mistake of trusting the wrong guy. At how much I'd love to just kick him ride in the southern region, to watch him cry and see him writhe. For even one single solitary second so that he might feel for even a brief period of what I feel. Take down that very healthy sense of pride and ego he's got, just a touch. Yeah, I said it and I do feel that way. Today anyway. I don't have the energy to apologize for how I feel.

At how much I absolutely deplore feeling so much negative emotion within me toward another person and toward myself. About anything, besides my sons father and the man that abused me, I'm not sure I've EVER felt such total ickiness toward someone else and I dislike it very very VERY much. I think it must go against my grain or something, because it feels absolutely awful. While everyone else is able to openly discuss their disgust for his choices, I am simply unable to even let the thoughts enter my head b/c I just can't do it. Except they are starting to seep in. Like the good ole fashion kick in the balls fantasy, retribution. Take that you little ....sigh.

Breathe.

I am so greatful to yoga and meditation for teaching me about breathand how powerful oxygen is, it has saved me many a panic attack and more recently, bursting into tears at the most inopportune time.

Breathe.

The breath of life.

Breathe. DEEEP DEEEP breath. Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaale.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Better.

Another playlist (for me)

One Day At A Time....Again!

Yesterday afternoon wasn't such a great way to wrap up my day. I think I am just over the limit on how much I can handle on any given day, I overwhelm easily it seems. Luckily, I got through the afternoon in tact and after a lot of tears, I felt alot better today. Maybe because I am just so tired, I don't really have any energy to fret about anything today.

I'm really done with it all though, feeling like a looser, fighting with the bank over Chance's bike, wondering if I'll have a place to live in 3 months, the crying. It's just exhausting me. And finally, I got it last night that I really am depressed. Probably in a very real way, unlike anything I've experienced before. One thing I keep counting on is that it will change, no matter good or bad, it will change. Something will move this along some how.

In the meantime, I am taking great joy in my son whom seems attached to me at the hip lately. Hey, I'll take it. He's a really specially dude, I've got 3, maybe 5 years left of him being at home with me and I'm not going to waste my time left with him. Besides, he gives me a reason to focus on something else besides how insane I feel lately. Plus, since he's hurt, he's sort of stuck with me at home and that's not so bad. We watch movies, eat pizza and ice cream and play with the animals.

We watched "You Kill Me" and "Sicko" last night. You Kill Me is hilarious, I love dark comedy. This was kind of a dark, comedy, surrealist, romance type of thing. Max and I both cracked up through most of it.

Sicko was a tough movie to watch, I've sort of had to put it out my mind and will try absorb it more when I am more able. Max fell asleep half way through it and kept kicking me on the couch in his sleep. Michael Moore is a brilliant individual, albeit one I'm not always sure is truthful or totally innocent of the spinning he so vehemently accuses the media and other public figures of doing. I did decide that I might just stop my bitching about life in general and move to France. It looks like that might be a good place for me. You can drink, smoke and eat alot of fatty food and STILL live much longer than the average American. Free health care, college, child care and support services. AND the government is terrified of it's people, not the other way around. What a concept! All joking aside, the movie was informative and sparked a sense of passion in me I haven't felt for a while. I cried of course through almost the entire thing, but I laughed pretty heartily during much of it as well. Sarcastic wit is hard to ignore.

Sunshine

I don't know if was the sunshine greeting me this morning, the crispness of the fall air or this delicious "Blue Machine" (tons of vitamin B's) shake I'm drinking for breakfeast, but I feel incredible this morning.

Maybe it's that I've decided I'm not loosing my home without a fight or layers of fog are beginning to burn off or accpeting that I have to do something about my weight or suffer some fairly serious healthy consequences that are not at all worth the comfort food brings me when I'm mega stressed.

It could be that Max seems in a rather bright mood though his entire left hand is pretty much out of commission.

Or that the holidays are approaching, or that I am up for review soon and should get a small raise. Maybe it's that I will find out more about the child support situation or that I'm just not feeling as stresssed as I was last Friday and that feels good.

Maybe it's that I've been more social lately and I've forgotten what a fantastic group of people are in my life and how much I enjoy them all and how much they enjoy Max and I.

I don't think I'll spend a lot of time questioning it, I think I'll just breathe it in and allow myself to actually feel pleasure in the moment.

What a concept eh?

Weekends, Battle Scars & Focusing On The Positive

What a great weekend I had! Really, until about Sunday afternoon, it was pretty marvelous. 2 fantabulous weekends in a row...wow, really? Love it.

Friday night my dinner with Sandy was warm and comforting. I'd been pretty depressed since my meeting with the bankruptcy attorney the previous Thursday night and trying to keep it all in perspective. Life has been a roller coaster for so long now and I'm sort of getting used to the sudden drops and the occassional highs and all the dissapointments in between, except I'm done with being dissapointed in myself and am ready to just take this as a life lesson and move on. Friday though, wasn't such a great day. The idea of loosing my house, having to start all over....over what? It's hard to choke down some days.

I had a good long cry with Kristen on the phone, I almost didn't go to Sandy's because it seems like every time I've seen her this past summer I've pretty much been a total wreck. And I was doing fine until she asked me how I was doing, less than 10 minutes in the door. The tears started rolling and there was lots of hugging and reassurance. My friends are so great. She also ordered this amazing gourmet vegetarian meal, which totally blew my mind and nourished my body. After a glass of wine, a wonderful meal and lots of loving from a dear friend, I was so tired I could barely stand.

Slept like a baby and woke up bright and early to Max chasing the cat up and down the stairs and Kasha licking my face. For two minutes I almost fell back into the depression about the house and what this coming year could look like for me financially, but opted to push that aside and get up and enjoy my day. Max and I had breakfeast, took about an hour nap after and then go ready for Kim's bday party. Went downtown and had a great time at the Giggling Grizzly. Max can hardly contain his giggles over the name of this place, it's so cute. Like he's 5 or something. He had a huge hamburger and at least a pound of french fries. I had a delicious and spicy bloody mary and fun was had by all.

Kim, Max and Moi. Do not question the message of Kim's shirt, it's a Michigan thing and you can't understand unless you hang out with all these Michigan kids, which I do...and let's just say they take their sports VERY VERY seriously. Close to the frat boy level if you know what I mean....




Mandy and her husband showed up and we went over to The Falling Rock for yet more food and drinks and spent a few hours getting to know one another. What a sweet couple, I am really enjoying learning more about them. After, Max and I went home and seperated for a few hours. I went over to Kristen's and we chatted, then I went home and just chilled the rest of the night. Max and I were both in bed early.

Good times.

Sunday, slept in until about 9. Made breakfeast, before Max even finished crunching his toast he was out the door and to the skate park.

Flash forward to about 4 PM Sunday afternoon....Max comes in the door holding his hand up over his head, with a exruciating look on his face. I'm looking for blood. No blood. Except, his fingers aren't moving, his knuckles are the double the size they should be and he's cringing when I try to open his hand to ice it. I see little tears forming in his eyes and I know it's bad because I honestly don't remember the last time I saw Max cry.

ER here we come.

4 hours later: 1 failed series of xrays and another successfull one (after the vicodin finally kicked in, poor kid) which indicated no obvious fracture, but severe hyperextension in his first and middle finger, as well as a possible hairline in his hand. This is treated with a ginormous splint and vicodin w/ tylenol at night only.

Apparently he fell at the skate park and his fingers touched the other side of his arm. Ouch. No.

Little big man has his first official "battle scar" from his beloved BMX'ing, which he was quite proud of. Mom managed it all pretty well until Max cried during the xrays. I don't do well when he cries or is in pain.

Let it be known this injury occurred all in the name of a girl who hangs out at the skate park and was watching him ride AND that he is quite happy about all the nursing and sympathy he'll get from the girls at school today, since he is a little gimpy.

All in all, it was a great weekend though spending our Sunday evening in the ER wasn't exactly enjoyable, it could've been so much worse. I am so happy he is safe, ableit a little broken, safe nonetheless.

Yes, It Really Can Be THAT Overwhelming For Some People

I realize this is an extreme example, but considering my current circumstances, it caught my eye this morning while skimming the local news for weather and events.

http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=80169

Thank goodness there are people in the world educated enough on how stressfull this kind of financial difficulty is and are alert enough to be more proactive than to wait for something awful to happen.

There are so many people with no support, no one to help them make these difficult decisions, no one to wipe their tears. Those who reach out to others in need during times of crisis are definate beauties in my book, they do, very literally, save lives.

I am surrounded by love, support and a wise group of individuals who I trust to counsel me when my own head is totally out of whack.

These are people who can truly understand the absolute seriousness of this situation and can treat it as such, VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS!

VERY SERIOUS!

Except Crystal. Damn her. Last night, I called her up hysterically bawling after my meeting, ranting and raving about how my life was going to hell in a handbasket, how could I be so stupid? Beating the living crap out of myself and carrying on about woe is me and what have I done and so on and so forth. Do you know what she had the nerve to do? She made me laugh! Not just a half-assed, forced giggle. Har Har. Nope, it was FULL ON belly laughter. I mean, like buahwhwhwwhawaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then I cackled my standard Sarah cackle and it was over. And more than once too.

;-)

And then....I felt better. At least the hysterical crying stopped. Not just because she did listen and essentially mommied me while I was on the verge of breakdown (plus I know I am rather pathetic when I cry, like Puss N Boots from Shrek I've been told, so she probably was tired of hearing that) but also because she reminded me that I AM going to get through this, I'm not the first woman on the planet who loved the wrong guy and did stupid shit for love, no one hates me and pulling up my big girl panties and getting a plan in order is really the only thing left to be done at this point. Then, in only the way that Crystal & I can during a private conversation, esablished the perfect euphemism for my current situation, except that it is not at all Blogger.com freindly, so I'll leave that to your imagination.

Then I was able to compose myself long enough to talk with Howard with some sense of calm exterior, though doubtful it was totally convincing. We have the beginnings of a tentative plan and like all plans, that means getting an outline of what your options are, having a meeting with all your experts and getting action items in motion.

I realized I can no longer be married to specific outcomes, that flexibility in my decision making and my ability to problem solve must become my shield and sword as I begin this new journey. The shock has finally worn off, now I can start getting it together. All the while, keeping that north star shinning bright in front of me.

So what if today is "just gotta get through the day" days? Who cares? No town has ever rebuilt in the aftermath of a torndado in one day or one week or one month.

Rebuilding takes patience, time, forgiveness.

Busy, Drippy Tree Fruit

Not much really to report other than that I've had another sinus thing this week that put me down for almost 2 full days and am hella busy trying to catch up. Today, I am meeting with the you know who for the you know what, will know more after that about what's to come. Howard is coming this weekend to help me with some man things around the house, bless his heart. He's so good to us. Plus, it might be good for Max to see him.

Max and I are butting heads right now about school, I dont' expect him to be a scholar if that's not his choice, but he does need to at least PASS his classes. Since soccer has been out, I see a steady decline. Like he doesn't seem to think he has to keep his grades up any more. Sigh. It's difficult sometimes, I feel like Max really should be able to handle managing his own school work and projects, but every time he falters, I feel like I have to get involved and light a fire under his ass. I don't quite get that and I've begun to wonder, at what point do you as a mother have to step back a little and just let your kid fail? I don't like that idea at all, but I can't force him to do anything and short of literally going to school with him every day and holding his hand through every assignment, I'm at a loss about what to do. I communicate with teachers and they all tell me the same thing, that Max just needs to turn in higher quality work. You'd be amazed at how little homework he actually has, a large portion of what is done each week is hands on at school. And probably the most frustrating thing for everyone involved, is the knowledge that Max is a bright young man. He's got a lot going for him, but he's got to want it and when he doesn't want it, it shows. And I mean it SHOWS. He's either excelling in his classes or totally bombing them and it's not about the subject, because this can change at any given time. One semester it might be science he's got an A in a D in Math. The next semester could be the complete opposite. Yet, the whole time he's talking about how he can't wait to get a job and a car and all these things that won't happen if he fails a class by the time the semester ends. It makes me sad for him, but he is making his own choices. I can only remind him so many times that he's got a project to turn in that week, or check through his work every night or talk with his teachers. I may revisit the locking him the closet until he's 21 theory soon.

Tomorrow night I'm going to see Ms. Sandy pants at her new house. YAY! Saturday, Max ad I are going to Kim's to meet the new boyfriend and watch the college football game. Football is not my thing, but under that guise I will have plenty of time to catch up with some old friends.

Sunday will be the 'nothing' day, which is good cuz I feel like I'll need one by then.

And, it is OFFICIALLY Christmas here in Colorado. Last night I saw people dragging lights out of garages and this ungodly inflatable Santa and his eight tiny reindeer has been hoisted by some poor grunting man to his rooftop. The stores are filling up with ornaments and other holiday-ish things. I'm still stuck in July/August for some reason. Seriously. I'm always slow to accept the madness of November & December. I do look forward to decorating my own house for solstice though and there will be at least one gift for Max this year, maybe. If he's good. Right now, I might just put a car-sized piece of coal wrapped up like a car under the carport. That would be mean wouldn't it LOL. I'm terrible.

Till next time, xo all
S

Weekend Warriors, New Friends and A Happily Blissfull Tree Fruit

Purrrrrrr. Happy sigh. I am a happy tree fruit today.

A physically exhausted tree fruit, but a happily blissful tree fruit nonetheless.

I spent my weekend hugging some of my favorite people ever, making great new friends and playing volley ball in the pool at 1 AM at a rockin' Halloween party. I can't wait for those pictures. Crystal looked smokin' hot, Heather and Mark cracked me up with their creativity and Dane makes the best fuzzy dice I've ever seen. Good times.

The weekend left me feeling loved and knowing that those special relationships in life transcend location, time and life experiences. Crystal also said something that got me thinking. "No regrets Sarah, no regrets." It was in reference to a rather giggly matter, but the general concept resonated with me. Some mistakes have been made, on my part and on the part of others. Holding regret in my heart, lamenting my choices and putting energy into something I cannot change is an exercise in futility. I thought about this coming from someone who I know has experienced the kind of pain that no one should, and knew that it was the truth. That those challenges in life that bring us pain, that thwart our efforts toward progress and boggle the mind are the same challenges that are already in the past by the time we are able to fully realize the complexities of said challenges. All I can do now is try to live it right and heal along with my son. Luckily, a select core few have stuck around through a lot of growing pains. I am truly blessed in that regard.

I also was able to finally piece together the reality that I've essentially been in shock these past few months and am just now beginning to feel the feelings. It makes perfect sense as the summer has just been a roller coaster of events and results of those events, washing over me in huge waves. How else can I begin to heal and feel my feelings when I can't even catch my breathe? Finally, those first tentative gulps of air are beginning.

The weekend brought much pleasure and fun, along with some much needed clarity that sometimes can only come from the people who know you best and love you the most.

Yay weekends with friends from Seattle! Cartman says Kiiiiick ass! Oh yes and Dane, ManBearPig will be haunting you for many episodes to come. May the force be wtih you.

I Am Moon

The moon this morning, wow! Setting over the gorgeous Rockies, something about this phase of the moon, this time of year fills me with elated emotion.

Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.

In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.

Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.

Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.

Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.

My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.

Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.

She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.

Daily Gratitude's

Today, I am Grateful for:

My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.

My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.

My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.

My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.

My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.

My spirit
...for persevering.

My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.

A Little Better Today

Today is better, though my dreams are still difficult and weighing on me. I'm having alot of dreams about death, I know death in dreams can represent rebirth or any number of big changes in your life and that would make perfect sense with my current state of mind.

I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.

And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.

Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)

xo ya'll, till next time.
S

Nothing

I'm not in a good mood today, so I'll keep this brief. I really having nothing to report at the moment, nothing positive anyway. Matt's visit with me this last weekend, which was really helpful emotionally and he was supportive as usual, was good and I did appreciate the company of an old friend. Crystal is coming soon, this is something I look forward to and I'm sure as the days draw nearer, I will feel lighter and brighter.

I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.

yuck.

Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.

He Finally Did It.

He finally said it, I knew he would and I'm sure it's not the first time but it's the first time probably so publically and in regards to Iran.

World War III.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A

If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.

Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!

I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.

Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.

Coldplay - Fix You

I always thought this song was about a fathers love for his daughter, though I don't try to interpert the lyrics of other musicians. I think music is supposed to move us in the way it happens upon us, not nessisarly how it is intended by the musician. That is why art comes to us in so many forms, to help us think and feel and ponder our existance.

Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.

Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s

Friday = Funday

I am of the opinion that most days should be Fridays. I like Mondays and Tuesdays because that is when a lot of work gets done and I am my most productive. Wednesday and Thursdays are good for wrapping up work, tidying loose and preparing for the weekend. But if I could find a way for most days to be Fridays, I probably would. Except I'd still need to be paid for a full week - now THAT would be a feat in and of itself, wouldn't it?

Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.

Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.

Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?

Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.

Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S

In Honor Of.....

John Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980




My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.

I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.

People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.

Peace :)

A Repeat Of Rwanda In Progress....?

I detest the idea of posting such an ugly article on my blog, however, I have no choice as this seems a familiar story. One which was being reported in the years up to the genocide occurring in Rwanda in 1994, but the world remained silent. My one major criticism of Clinton was his failure to respond to the violence occurring during those years leading up to and during the tribal brutality.

The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background

I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.

The Simple Life

Life is relatively quiet at the moment and I am thankful for this. Max is wrapping up soccer and other than the standard teen-age testing, he seems relatively stable and happy at the moment. All the animals are healthy getting ready for winter. Pumpkin and Kasha are forever engaging in a battle of wills and territory over who is Mom's 'favorite' which is a loosing battle because I don't have a 'favorite' but I can't seem to articulate this into kitteh/puppeh language.

Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.

I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.

I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?

My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.

Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.

Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.

Till next time, love to you all.

xo,
S

Encouraging News!

A court date has been set for Oct 16th 2007 to establish an official child support order! This also means that Sean would be required to provide Max with health insurance. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much it would help for Max's father to contribute financially, it would certainly lighten the weight so I can at least breathe and avoid robbing Peter to pay Paul. At least from now forward he will be required to by law and he won't have a lot of wiggle room around that. Of course, this does then beg the question of visitation, but H and I have discussed this and agreed that we will not even discuss visitation until Sean has submitted his payments on time for 3 consecutive months. Max is not a dollar sign, he his a human being and I don't see it as trading Sean's money for time with his own son. However, Sean has had 13+ years of opportunities and done nothing with them. The idea is that if Sean commits to being responsible enough to pay his child support on time, then he may possibly be capable of committing to visitation with Max.

In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.

Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss

Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.

Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!

This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.

Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.

Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*

I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....

I KNEW IT! Course, depends on the day I guess...

What dog breed are you? Quiz

Free Fun Quizzes at FunQuizCards.com





My Result Was:
Your dog breed personality is - Bulldog, Alsatian, Labrador, etc. Aggressive, spontaneous and hyperactive.

Updates, Revelations and Joy

My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.

I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.

My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.

The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.

It will come to me, I'm sure of it.